(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (TYRES SKIDDING) (CLINKING) (TYRES SCREECHING) D'OH! (SCREAMS) (TYRES SCREECHING) D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! D'OH! (SCREAMS) (BUZZING) (GULPS) (ROARING) (SHRIEKS) (ROARING) (CHITTERING) HEY. WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? (SIGHS) MARGE/BART/LISA: # HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR HOMER # # HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! # I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE A WISH, BECAUSE I ALREADY HAVE THIS WONDERFUL FAMILY. I WISH FOR INFINITY HAMBURGERS. (INHALES DEEPLY) HUH? (CHUCKLING): OH, I GET IT. THESE ARE THOSE TRICK CANDLES YOU CAN'T BLOW OUT. NO, DAD, THEY'RE THE OPPOSITE. "E-Z BLO." (GASPS) THIS ENDS NOW. (INHALING DEEPLY) (WHEEZES) (WHEEZING) IT'S OKAY, HOMIE. YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST TIRED FROM NOT DOING ANYTHING ALL DAY. (PANTING): UH-HUH. UH-HUH. DAD, YOU'RE OUT OF SHAPE EVEN FOR AN AMERICAN. I'LL JUST FOCUS ON ONE AREA. (BREATH PETERING OUT) HOW MANY DID I GET? NONE? THAT'S COOL. (WHEEZING) (WHEEZING) (MOANING) (BEEPING) YOU KNOW HOW MANY FIRES ARE STARTED BY BIRTHDAY CANDLES? IF YOU DO, TELL ME. IT WOULD SETTLE A BET DOWN AT THE STATION HOUSE. I SAY FIVE, GUS SAYS A MILLION. (SIGHS) THIS DISASTERETTE WAS A REAL WAKE-UP CALL. WE NEED TO FIND A WAY TO PROTECT OUR IRREPLACEABLES. YOU COULD BUY A FIREPROOF SAFE. OR WE COULD JUST RESOLVE TO BE MORE CAREFUL WITH OUR OPEN FLAMES. SIR, WE'VE BEEN HERE SIX TIMES THIS MONTH. YEAH, BUT, UM, ONE OF THOSE, I DIALED 9-1-1 BY MISTAKE, BUT I WAS TOO EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT IT, SO I SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE. FEELS GOOD TO TELL THE TRUTH. NO, I'M LYING AGAIN, IT FEELS BAD. (SIGHS) MARGE: OKAY. EVERYONE GETS TO PUT ONE PRECIOUS ITEM IN OUR FIREPROOF SAFE. FOR ME, IT'S THE FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM. HOMER: AW. OUR KIDS USED TO BE SO CUTE. USED TO?! OH, DEAL WITH IT. IT'S SO HARD TO CHOOSE JUST ONE ITEM WORTHY OF THE SAFE. SO I MADE THIS ELABORATE DECISION TREE, WHICH IN ITSELF IS WORTHY OF PRESERVATION. (CHUCKLES) TICK TOCK, SWEETIE. I PICKED MY MALIBU STACY HYBRID CONVERTIBLE. IT RUNS ON HER OLD MAKEUP AND OUT-OF-STYLE SHOES. I'M GOING WITH THE COLOGNE I WORE ON OUR FIRST DATE. (CHUCKLING) OOH. I'M PUTTING IN MY "CATCH A RISING KRUSTY" DOLL! (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) WHERE DO THE KIDS TODAY GET THESE BAND NAMES? "THE KINKS?" "THE STONES?" SOUNDS LIKE MY LAST PHYSICAL! (LAUGHING) REFERENCES. (DOLL GROANING) NO. WAIT. DON'T... NOW WE HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT IN THE EVENT OF A FIRE EXCEPT OUR LIVES. YOU SEE ALL THOSE CRAZY NEW ELECTRONICS? IPOD... ITUNES... I GIVE UP! (LAUGHING) (EFFERVESCING) WHAT'S THAT COMING OUT OF THE SAFE? I DON'T KNOW-- MAYBE THE KRUSTY DOLL ACCIDENTALLY TURNED ON THE CAR'S HEADLIGHT, WHICH FOCUSED ON THE COLOGNE BOTTLE, CAUSING IT TO BOIL, AND SOON EXPLODE. DAD, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. (EXPLOSION) (ALL SCREAM) WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THIS "CALIFORNIA PIZZA"? IF I WANTED... (DISTORTED): CHEESE AND FRUIT, I'D HAVE TO... (GROANING) (SIGHING) NO! IT'S GONE. THAT FAMILY ALBUM WAS A RECORD OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS. IT'S LIKE WHAT A RESUME IS FOR A MAN. I AGREE, MOM, IT'S VERY SAD. BUT WE'LL HAVE TO MOVE ON. IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN RESTAGE ALL OUR FAMILY PHOTOS. RESTAGE THE PHOTOS? LISA, YOU FOOL. YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (CRYING): NO! (J GEILS BAND'S "FREEZE FRAME" PLAYING) (MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV) OKAY, WE'RE RECREATING OUR SERIES FINALE PARTY FOR STAR TREK: VOYAGER. (WEEPY): OH, MAN, I THOUGHT I WAS STRONG ENOUGH TO GET THROUGH THIS AGAIN, BUT I'M NOT. (SOBBING) (SOBBING): OH, CAPTAIN JANEWAY! YOUR MISSION ENDED TOO SOON. TOO SOON. OUR NEW PHOTOS ARE BACK! (GRUNTS): OOH! (ALL SCREAMING) THAT'S WHY I GOT DUPLICATES. AW! THERE'S MY FIRST SAXOPHONE RECITAL. BART LOOKS SO CUTE AS A MIGHTY OAK IN THE SCHOOL PLAY. HERE I AM ON THE SPACE SHUTTLE, ORBITING EARTH. IT SURE WAS NICE OF NASA TO SEND YOU UP AGAIN. OH, MY GOD! CHECK OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING BEHIND YOUR RESTAGED ANNIVERSARY DINNER. LISA: DUFFMAN'S ON A DATE WITH BOOBERELLA. (GASPS) HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE IN A STABLE, LONG-TERM GAY RELATIONSHIP. HMM. THIS IS A CELEBRITY SCANDAL. WE COULD SELL THAT PHOTO TO A TABLOID. AND THEY PAY BIG MONEY FOR PHOTOS. MARGE, THIS ISN'T LIKE YOU. WELL, IT'S JUST ABOUT WHAT WE NEED TO PAY FOR OUR FIRE DAMAGE. SPOOKY. THIS IS GOOD, REAL GOOD. LIKE LINDSAY LOHAN LOOKING DRUNK, HIGH AND BONY. CLICK, CLICK, CAREER OVER, SEE YA IN THE GUTTER, FRECKLES! HOMER, I'LL PAY YOU 200 BUCKS. BRING ME MORE SNAPS LIKE THIS, AND I'LL MAKE YOU A MODERATELY WEALTHY MAN. MODERATELY WEALTHY? (GASPS) WHEE! I'M SORT OF RICH! I CAN RENT ANYTHING I WANT! THAT'S QUITE AN OFFER. CAN I DISCUSS IT WITH MY WIFE? SURE, WHY NOT? THEN I'LL DO IT! 1 OH, BOY! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE KRUSTY. LOOK, THERE'S HIS CHAUFFEUR-DRIVEN TOWN CAR. (TYRES SCREECHING) YOUR HEAD DINGED MY DOOR PANEL! JERKS LIKE YOU OUGHT TO BE SHOT! KRUSTY! HOW ABOUT A NICE SHOT OF YOU WITH THE BOY YOU INJURED? PAPARAZZI?! GET LOST, YA PARASITE. HOW ABOUT YOU, GABBO? AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI! OKAY, HOW ABOUT AN AUTOGRAPH FOR MY KIDS? WELL, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY... AY-YI-YI-YI-YI. OKAY, BOY, THIS IS THAT SNOOTY SUPERMARKET ALL THE CELEBRITIES SHOP AT. YOU'RE GONNA HELP ME AMBUSH THEM. LOOK AT THIS PLACE. IMPORTED BEER? SEEDLESS GRAPES? CHEWING GUM? (GASPS) THE CLOWN ON THIS CEREAL BOX IS JUST A PERSON. (GASPS) THERE'S THE RICH TEXAN AND HIS DAUGHTER, PARIS TEXAN. COME ON, BABY, BARF FOR MAMA. OKAY, BOY, DO SOMETHING ANNOYING, BUT LEAVE YOURSELF ROOM TO BUILD. HEY, PARIS, I SAW A DISGUSTING PART OF YOUR BODY ON THE INTERNET-- YOUR FACE! I'M STILL BREAKING IN THIS NOSE! (GRUNTING, SHUTTER CLICKING) (SHUTTER CLICKING) LOOK AT THOSE CELEBRITIES. I'VE MET THEM ALL, AND YET THEY DON'T EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE. HELLO, HOMER. HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT? OH, LIKE YOU CARE, BETTY WHITE. TELL ME, HOW'S MAGGIE? HER NAME IS MARGE! I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOUR BABY. OH. UH, SHE'S LOOKING VERY... SNAPPY! THANKS FOR TAKING MY PICTURE. IF YOU WANT ME TO SIGN IT, HERE'S A STAMPED, SELF-ADDRESSED ENVELOPE. AND GIVE SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER A BIG HUG FOR ME. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, JUST WALK AWAY. (LISPING): BEAUTIFUL DAY, ISN'T IT, FREDDIE? GOD BLESS YOU AND YOURS. DAD, IT'S DREDERICK TATUM. TRY TO GET HIM TO PUNCH YOU. NO PROBLEM. HEY, DREDERICK! YES, HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MY HANDSOME FRIEND? YOUR HIP-HOP CD WAS BOASTFUL AND UNNECESSARY. OKAY, HERE WE GO. THAT'S WHAT I THINK OF THE FOURTH ESTATE! WHAT ARE THE FIRST THREE? NOBILITY, CLERGY AND COMMONERS. LEARN YOUR FRENCH HISTORY. OKAY. TERRIFIC! OUTSTANDING! THIS HAS PAGE ONE WRITTEN ALL OVER IT. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR? I WANTED TO REMEMBER MY PLACE IN THE BOOK I WAS READING. BOY, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D HAVE MY OWN DARKROOM. LISA: YES, BUT WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE IN MY BEDROOM? LIS, YOU CAN'T STAY HERE IF YOU'RE GONNA KEEP TALKING. IT'S 11:00 AT NIGHT, AND I CAN'T GET TO SLEEP! WELL, THEN YOU COULD COME OVER HERE AND HELP DADDY POUR CHEMICALS. (SIGHS) OKAY. (SIZZLING) (GROANING) KIDS-- THEY ALWAYS SAY THEY'RE NOT TIRED WHEN THEY'RE THE MOST TIRED OF ALL. (CHUCKLES) THAT PHOTO'S MINE. THAT PHOTO'S MINE. THAT PHOTO'S MINE. WELL, I DO LIKE THE EXTRA MONEY. BUT I THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP EXPLOITING HUMAN BEINGS' PRIVATE MISFORTUNES. SEE, MARGE-- EVERYONE SAYS THEY HATE THESE MAGAZINES, BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO SET THEM DOWN. OH, IT IS NOT. WATCH ME. (GROANING, GRUNTING) OOH... (SCREAMING) SIDESHOW MEL IS IN A CUSTODY BATTLE?! (GASPS) AND IT'S TURNING BITTER? IF YOU READ ONE MORE THING, IT IS A PURCHASE. EXPERTS DISAGREE ON LOCATION OF HEAVEN? PURCHASE! (REGISTER BEEPS) OKAY, THIS IS THE PLACE. DID I ATTACH THE HARNESS?! NO! SHOULD I ATTACH IT FOR YOU?! IF YOU DON'T MIND...! THANK YOU! NOW TO MAKE A YOUNG WOMAN'S WEDDING DAY ALL ABOUT ME. DO YOU, RAINIER LUFTWAFFE WOLFCASTLE, TAKE MARIA SHRIVER- KENNEDY-QUIMBY TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED... HOMER: UP, UP, AND ANNOY! YES! (CROWD GASPING) I ALSO WRECK BAR MITZVAHS! IS THAT HORRIBLE MAN GONE YET? YES, MOTHER, BARRING SOME SORT OF PENDULUM EFFECT. (GROANING) FIRST AMENDMENT RULES, PRIVACY DROOLS! (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) (GERMAN ACCENT): TIME TO SQUASH THAT SHUTTERBUG. YOU PROMISED ME ONE DAY WHERE YOU WOULDN'T SWEAR REVENGE ON SOMEONE. PROMISE REVOKED. 1 RAINIER WOLFCASTLE: GREETINGS, FAMOUS FACES AND SIZZLING STARS. (MURMURING IN AGREEMENT) THANK YOU FOR RESPONDING TO MY E-VITE. KRUSTY, YOUR RESPONSE WAS THE LEAST FUNNY. I'M A VISUAL COMEDIAN. DID YOU GET THE J-PEG? WOULDN'T OPEN. OH! I WISH TO DISCUSS OUR MUTUAL ENEMY, HOMER SIMPSON. (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) NOW, DO NOT WORRY. IN MY FILM 'A FUTURE DROID IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT', I LEARNED THAT IT TAKES A ROBO KNIGHT TO DEFEAT A ROBO KNIGHT. (MURMURING IN AGREEMENT) AND TO DEFEAT A PAPARAZZO, IT TAKES THIS MAN! LET ME INTRODUCE THE WORLD'S GREATEST CELEBRITY SHUTTERBUG-- ENRICO IRRITAZIO. BUONO GIORNO! HOW ARE YOU GONNA HELP US, BEEFARONI? ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN. I TAKE EMBARRASSING PICTURES OF HOMER, HARASS HIM DAY AND NIGHT. JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED, AND I WILL BE A GOD IN YOUR EYES! (AGREEABLE MURMURS) SEE? IT IS GOOD. I DECLARE THIS MEETING ACHOURNED. NOW PLEASE, TAKE SOME SUSHI, 'CAUSE IF I GIVE IT TO THE DOGS, THEY WILL THINK, "OH, NOW I GET SUSHI ALL THE TIME." AND I AM NOT MADE OF SUSHI. NOW, MAGGIE, I HAD TO USE YOUR CAR SEAT TO HOLD THE NEW TV GUIDE... SO I'M GONNA HANG YOU FROM THE MIRROR. (GIGGLING) (ENGINE REVVING, TYRES SQUEALING) SMILE! (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) HE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A BAD FATHER. MAGGIE, TAKE THE WHEEL! (GRUNTING) TEN AND TWO, EINSTEIN! (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) CAN'T I EVEN HAVE PRIVACY HERE?! (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) SCANDALOUS! REPUGNANT! AUSGEZEICHNET! I SHALL MAKE THIS PHOTO INTO MY SCREENSAVER! SOMEHOW. HOW COULD YOU PUBLISH THIS? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS! I HAVE NO FRIENDS. FRIENDS TAKE TIME. AND TIME IS MONEY, AND MONEY PAYS FOR THINGS, LIKE A MANICURE AND A BOILED EGG. GET ME ONE OF EACH, BUT NOT BOILED, POACHED. AH, WHAT THE HELL-- IT'S FRIDAY-- SCRAMBLED! SOMETIMES I WISH I HAD A TWIN. NOT THAT MUCH, THOUGH. WE'D JUST FIGHT. HOMER: AND THEN HE SAID HE DIDN'T WANT A TWIN BECAUSE THEY'D JUST FIGHT. SWEETIE, MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU RETIRED FROM PAPARAZZYING. IT'S NEVER FUN TO GET A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE. YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M GIVING UP PHOTOGRAPHY... AND MY OWN MEDICINE! SO LONG, ANTI-CLOTTING AGENT! CLOT, CLOT, CLOT, CLOT CLOT, CLOT, CLOT, CLOT! (KYLIE MINOGUE'S "CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD" PLAYING) (CHUCKLES) WITH HOMER SIMPSON OUT OF THE WAY, WE CAN GO BACK TO OUR LIVES OF SYBARITIC EXCESS. STEM CELL FAJITA? LEAVE THE TRAY. (LOUD LAUGHTER) (THUNDER RUMBLING) LISTEN TO 'EM. THEY'RE ON TOP OF THE WORLD WHILE I'M SITTIN' HERE PRETENDING I HAVE A STOOL. ALL BECAUSE OF A BUNCH OF STUFF THAT HAPPENED. AH, HOMER, DON'T BE SO QUICK TO ABANDON THIS PAPARAZZO THING. YEAH, IT'S AN AMERICAN TRADITION TO CUT PEOPLE DOWN TO SIZE BECAUSE THEY'VE BROUGHT SO MUCH JOY INTO OUR LIVES. YOU KNOW WHO I CAN'T STAND? THAT ROBIN WILLIAMS. YOU KNOW, ONE TIME I SAW HIM EATING DINNER WITH HIS CHILDREN. HE WOULDN'T TAKE THE TIME OUT TO DO ALL THE FUNNY BITS FROM HIS MOVIES. AND MY SISTER ONCE SAW BURT REYNOLDS AT AN AIRPORT, AND HE WOULDN'T EVEN COSIGN HER MORTGAGE. YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT-- I SHOULD GET BACK IN THE GAME. OH! BUT I THREW AWAY MY CAMERA. OH, HERE, USE THIS ONE. I WAS GONNA USE IT TO TAKE SECRET PHOTOS IN THE LADIES' TOILET, BUT, UH, NO DAMES EVER COME IN THIS JOINT. THANKS, MOE! SURE. EXCUSE ME, DO YOU HAVE A LADIES' ROOM? WE NEED TO TRADE BRAS AND PANTIES. OH, YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! (SONG CONTINUES) (THUNDER RUMBLING) OH! YOU CALL THIS A DRINK? NO, I NEVER CALLED IT A DRINK. (THUNDER RUMBLING, MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR COMEUPPANCE-- EIGHT BY TEN OR WALLET SIZE? CELEBRITIES, HIDE YOUR SHAME! (LOUD SHOTGUN-LIKE POPS OF SHUTTER CLICKING) (ALL GROANING AND WHIMPERING) WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THOSE PHOTOS? NOTHING. ALL: HUH? PROVIDING YOU CELEBRITIES DO SOMETHING FOR ME. I WANT YOU ALL TO SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO MADE YOU WHAT YOU ARE. SIGN AN AUTOGRAPH OR TWO. SUPPORT A CHARITY FOR SOMETHING THAT HASN'T HAPPENED TO A MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY. LET ONE OF US REGULAR GUYS WRITE A TERRIBLE CHILDREN'S BOOK! WE WILL TAKE THE DEAL. AS A SIGN OF GOOD FAITH, I INVITE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY TO A BARBECUE ON MY OFFSHORE PARTY PLATFORM. (SIGHS) IT IS GOOD DOING REAL THINGS WITH REAL PEOPLE. SAY, RAINIER, YOU'RE IN SHOW BUSINESS. WOULD YOU MIND TAKING A LOOK AT THIS SCREENPLAY I WROTE? OH, SORRY. I DO NOT READ UNSOLICITED MANUSCRIPTS. (GRUNTS) WELL, AT LEAST IT GOT MADE. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015