SKINNER: NEXT ITEM ON THE AGENDA, I'M AFRAID THAT DUE TO FUNDING CUTS, 5 (TYRES SCREECHING) D'OH! (SHRIEKS) SKINNER: NEXT ITEM ON THE AGENDA, I'M AFRAID THAT DUE TO FUNDING CUTS, WE'VE HAD TO SELL THE SCIENCE DEPARTMENT SKELETON AND REPLACE IT WITH THIS HALLOWEEN COSTUME. THANK YOU, WILLIE. NOW, PLEASE RETURN IT TO ITS PLASTIC SNAP CASE. (CLEARS THROAT) MOVING ON-- OUR CLASS TRIP TO ITALY IS NOW SPAGHETTI NIGHT AT PAPA JOHN'S, AND YOUR $1,500 DEPOSITS WILL NOT BE REFUNDED. OOH, PAPA JOHN'S! WE WILL CONCLUDE BY PASSING AROUND A SHEET ON WHICH I WOULD LIKE EVERYONE'S E-MAIL ADDRESS. (GROANING) (GROANING) WHAT'S WRONG? I CAN'T FILL OUT THAT CLIPBOARD. I DON'T HAVE E-MAIL. (CROWD GASPS) OH, MARGE, YOU GOT TO GET ON THE NET. IT'S GOT ALL THE BEST CONSPIRACY THEORIES. DID YOU KNOW THAT HEZBOLLAH OWNS LITTLE DOLLY SNACK CAKES? THIS STUFF WILL ROCK YOUR WORLD! FINE, I'LL LOG ONTO WAHOO OR YIPPY OR A-O-K OR POOKA-DOOKA OR WHATEVER IT'S CALLED. CAN WE MOVE THIS MEETING ALONG? I PAY MY TAXES, I EXPECT MY ORANGE DRINK! AMBROSIA! AND THIS WEB SITE WILL TELL YOU THE WEATHER. SUNNY? I NEVER HAVE TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN. # LET'S GO SURFING NOW, EVERYBODY'S LEARNING HOW # # COME ON AND SAFARI WITH ME # PAPER TOWELS FOR 69 CENTS. 68 CENTS. 66 CENTS! KIDS, GET IN THE CAR! WE'RE GOING TO PENNSYLVANIA! OOH. 629,000 RESULTS?! WOW. AND ALL THIS TIME, I THOUGHT "GOOGLING YOURSELF" MEANT THE OTHER THING. IT'S OUR HOUSE! BUT WHAT'S THAT THING? (GASPS) EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU! GET INSIDE! NEVER! MARGE: JUST PUT ON A TOWEL! HOMER: WHY DON'T I JUST PUT ON A DRESS? (HOMER GRUNTING, PANTING) (DOOR OPENS) FLANDERS: HOMER, YOU'VE MET MY PARENTS. HOMER: NOT NAKED, I HAVEN'T. THAT INTERNET HAS IT ALL. TODAY, I FOUND I HAD THE SAME BIRTHDAY AS RANDY QUAID, I MAPQUESTED A GREAT NEW ROUTE TO THE ARMOURY, AND I GOT A LIST OF LOCAL HOUSES WHERE I'M NOT LETTING YOU KIDS TRICK OR TREAT ANYMORE. I'M PROUD OF YOU, MOM. YOU'RE LIKE CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS. YOU DISCOVERED SOMETHING MILLIONS OF PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT BEFORE YOU. HMM! (CRICKETS CHIRPING) (MOUSE CLICKS, MARGE GROANS) I SENT EVERYONE I KNOW AN E-CARD FOR ST. PATRICK'S DAY, BUT NOT ONE PERSON WROTE ME BACK. HMM. MAYBE IF I HIT "REFRESH." (GROANS) STILL NOTHING. BUT MAYBE NOW. OR NOW. (GROANS) THE ONLY THING THAT CHANGES IS THE BANNER AD. HMM? (GROANS) OOH. EARTHLAND REALMS? (TINNY FANFARE PLAYING) EARTHLAND REALMS IS A MULTIPLAYER ONLINE ROLE-PLAYING GAME. DO YOU AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING TERMS AND CONDITIONS? "FOR AMUSEMENT ONLY. CREDIT CARD INFORMATION MAY BE SOLD TO KOREAN GANGSTERS." (SIGHS) JUST CLICK "AGREE." STEP ONE, CREATE YOUR CHARACTER. LET'S SEE. WHAT KIND OF GOOFY GOOBLY SHOULD I BE? WHOA. LOOK AT THOSE BAZOOMS. WHO DESIGNED THIS CHARACTER? PROBABLY A MAN. HMM! I CAN MAKE HER LOOK ANY WAY I WANT. LET'S SEE. HAIR: BLUE. SHOES: SENSIBLE. BODY TYPE: OLIVE OYL. FACE: OTHER. THAT'S BETTER. NOW, LET'S ROLE... PLAY. WOW, IT'S LIKE A RENAISSANCE FAIR, BUT WITHOUT ALL THE CHUBBY COUPLES. THIS IS REALLY ANNOYING. YOU'RE TELLING ME. GREETINGS, CLERIC. WILL YOU UNDERTAKE A QUEST ON MY BEHALF? EH, MAYBE I SHOULD RUN THIS BY MY HUSBAND FIRST. THINGS ARE MORE FUN IF YOU JUST ANSWER "YES." THEN, YES. HITHER ME FORTH ON MINE ARDUOUS QUEST. ONCE AGAIN, JUST "YES." YES. FIRST, YOU MUST FIND THE ARMANDAHL OF NUXINOR. ALL I SEE IS THAT ROCK. YOU HAVE FOUND IT! OH! (TYPING) OKAY, ACTIVATE MY LEVEL SEVEN POWER STONES. WIELD THE ORB OF OBLIVION. AND ZAP! HMM, NEEDS MORE GOAT SOUL. BART: MOM?! WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING UP SO LATE? WE JUST GOT UP. IT'S 7:00 A.M. (GASPS) I WAS ON THE COMPUTER ALL NIGHT! ACTUALLY, IT'S SATURDAY. (GASPS) I PLAYED A DAY AND A NIGHT. BART, IT'S NOT SATURDAY. SHH. I SHOULD GET SOME SLEEP. (YAWNS) I BETTER CHECK ON MY ELF-SELF. (TINNY FANFARE PLAYING) (GROWLS) THANK YOU. COME AGAIN. APU? MRS. HOMER. HOW NICE TO SEE YOU IN THE REALMS. HOW DID YOU GET IN MY GAME? ARE YOU A VIRUS? OH, NO. I, TOO, AM ONLINE PLAYING. THAT COBRA KING OVER THERE IS ACTUALLY SNAKE. THE PRISON GUARDS THINK I'M GETTING MY ONLINE LAW DEGREE. HA, HA! AND THAT BEGUILING ENCHANTRESS IS MRS. KRABAPPEL. THIS GAME IS A GREAT WAY TO MEET ELIGIBLE MEN WHO CAN AFFORD A COMPUTER. (PANTING) OR HAVE ACCESS TO ONE AT THE SCHOOL LIBRARY. IT'S AMAZING HOW YOU CAN BE A TURKEY IN EVERY REALITY. WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS WE'RE TALKING. I'M MOE. I'M PLAYING THIS WHILE I'M ON THE CAN. WOW, MOE! YOU'RE A TROLL. WHAT? NO. MY CHARACTER'S SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE ME. WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP THINKING I'M A TROLL?! (MUTTERING ANGRILY) (HORSE NEIGHING) (NEIGHING) (GASPS) WHO ARE WE HIDING FROM? THE SHADOW KNIGHT. WHERE HE RIDES, DEATH IS SURE TO FOLLOW. THE SHADOW KNIGHT? HE'S THE MOST EVIL, DESTRUCTIVE PLAYER IN THIS GAME. HE ONCE BEAT ME TO DEATH WITH MY OWN LIFE BAR. MMM... MMM. (BOOMING VOICE): WHO DARES BATTLE WITH THE SHADOW KNIGHT? (SINISTER LAUGH) (GROANING) HE WAS A GOOD MAN. A GOOD, MOIST MAN. EWW. I CAN'T WATCH THIS. BART: ANOTHER SENSELESS KILLING BY... THE SHADOW KNIGHT! HMM? (SINISTER LAUGH) (GASPS) MY SON IS AN EVIL KNIGHT! THE MOST SUCCESSFUL EVIL KNIGHT IN ALL THE EARTHLAND REALMS! NOT BAD. WE'VE HAD TO SELL THE SCIENCE DEPARTMENT SKELETON AND REPLACE IT WITH THIS HALLOWEEN COSTUME. THANK YOU, WILLIE. NOW, PLEASE RETURN IT TO ITS PLASTIC SNAP CASE. 5 (BOOMING VOICE): AYE CARUMBA, WHAT A DAY! BRAVE SIR KNIGHT? (NORMAL VOICE): WHAT IS IT, LADY MILHOUSE? I'M NOT A LADY, IT'S A SPELL. A SPELL YOU SAID YOU'D REVERSE. YEAH, YEAH, IT'S ON MY LIST. ANYWAY, SOMEONE'S HERE TO SEE YOU. HI, BART! IT'S YOUR MOM! I'M IN YOUR VIDEOGAME WITH YOU! WHAT? (GROANS) WHY MILHOUSE, DON'T YOU LOOK PRETTY! IT'S A SPELL! AND THANK YOU. MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY GAME?! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I SUDDENLY STARTED GOING SHOPPING WITH YOU? I'D LIKE THAT VERY MUCH. (GRUNTING) UH, WH-WHAT CAN I GET YA, MR. SHADOW KNIGHT, SIR? A GROG? GROG LIGHT? UH, DIET GROG WITH LEMON? JUST WRING THE BLOOD FROM THIS PIXIE HEAD. YES, SIR. HI, EVERYBODY! HOW DO YOU PLAY THIS GAME? (MOANING) OW! (GROANING) NOW FLOG YOURSELF WITH THIS MACE WHILE RECITING THE GOBLIN'S CODE! GOBLIN'S CODE, YES, SIR! ALL GOBLINS MUST BE FREE OF VISIBLE WORMS. OOOH! IN THE PRESENCE OF A LADY, A GOBLIN MUST REMOVE HIS HAT AND EARS. (GRUNTS) (LAUGHING) BART, ARE YOU DRINKING? MOM! (LAUGHING) YOU'RE MAKING ME LOOK BAD IN FRONT OF MY MINIONS! IF THEY THINK LESS OF YOU BECAUSE OF ME, THEN THEY'RE NOT REALLY YOUR MINIONS. (GRUNTS) I'M GOING OFF TO EXPLORE THE CREVICES OF LAGRIMMAR. GREAT, I'LL COME WITH YOU. SHOULDN'T YOU BUNDLE UP? HERE, LET ME ENCHANT YOUR PANTS. (GRUNTS) HEY, LISA, SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT YOUR SHINS? IN MY DAY, GIRLS WERE WORRIED ABOUT THEIR BOOBS. DAD, I'M GOING TO PLAY SOCCER. I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE GAME WHEN I SAW 'BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM'. (INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS) FATHER, I AM PROUD OF MY CULTURAL HERITAGE, BUT I ALSO LOVE SOCCER! (CHEERING) YOU TELL HIM, JESMINDER! I FORBID YOU TO BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM. PLUS, YOU MUST MARRY THIS COMPLETE STRANGER. HIS FATHER IS AN IMPORTANT BUSINESS ACQUAINTANCE OF MINE. LOVE COUNTS FOR NOTHING! YOU TELL HER, MR. DHANABHAI! BUSINESS CONTACTS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN LOVE! (GIRLS GRUNTING) WAIT, THAT'S SOCCER? I ALWAYS CALLED IT "HUMAN FOOSBALL." WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TAKE YOU TO YOUR GAME? YOU ALREADY PROMISED YOU WOULD. AW, DO I HAVE TO? (GIRLS GRUNTING) UH-HUH. OKAY, MORTY, I'LL TELL THEM. SORRY, LADIES. WE GOT NO REFEREE, SO THE GAME'S BEEN CANCELLED. (LAUGHING) I'M SORRY. I'M SURE YOU'RE VERY DISAPPOINTED. (LAUGHING) WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REF? HE QUIT! BEING A REF IS A THANKLESS JOB... THE PARENTS HATE YA... THE ONLY UPSIDE IS THE KIDS SHARE THEIR SNACK WITH YOU. HOMER: DID SOMEONE SAY "SNACK"? I'LL BE YOUR REF! (GIRLS CHEERING) DAD, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT OUTFIT? I GOT FIRED FROM FOOT LOCKER. # KICKS JUST KEEP GETTING HARDER TO FIND... # WHAT'S THE MATTER, BUDDY? THE AMERICAN FLAG NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YA? (GRUNTS) THAT WAS MY FATHER. I'M YOUR FATHER NOW. I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN! # NO, BUT NOT WITH KICKS # # YOU JUST NEED HELP, GIRL... # (PANTING) SO... TIRED. (VOMITING) COULD SOMEONE BRING ME ANOTHER BARF CONE? SO... I THOUGHT IT WENT REAL WELL. UNTIL I SWALLOWED THE WHISTLE. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE RULES! THIS COULD BE MY NEW THING, AND YOU'RE TURNING IT INTO A JOKE! HILARIOUS JOKE? SADLY, NO. I'M DISAPPOINTED WITH THE WAY YOU ACTED TODAY... BUT I'M NOT SURPRISED. (SIGHS) (WHISTLE BLOWING) OH, LET'S SEE. SHOULD I TAKE THE TRAIL OF DEATH, OR THE PATH OF DOOM? MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO BACK. (SHRIEKS) (GASPS) IS THIS 'WALL STREET JOURNAL' ONLINE? (SCREAMS AND GROANS) WELL, WELL, LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING'S FINALLY ABOUT TO HAPPEN IN THIS GAME. JUST IN TIME. I WAS ABOUT TO GO TO THE POTTERY BARN SITE TO GET DESIGN IDEAS. (METAL CLANGING) IT'S THE SHADOW KNIGHT! RUN! I FORGET HOW TO DO THAT. CONTROL-SHIFT-R... (DOLPH SCREAMING) THANK YOU, BART. THIS FRAME GRAB'S GOING ON MY COFFEE CUP. YOU GUYS WANNA MEET AT THE KWIK-E-MART? I'M IN THE TUB RIGHT NOW. I'M IN DENMARK! GIRL: LET'S GO, COME ON! (GIRLS CHEERING) OW. (WHISTLE BLOWING) HAND BALL! DIRECT KICK! DAD, I'M IMPRESSED! YOU'VE BECOME A MUCH BETTER REFEREE. THANKS, HONEY. AFTER WHAT YOU SAID TO ME, I WATCHED HOURS AND HOURS OF SOCCER. I ALMOST SAW A GOAL! BUT THERE WERE SO MANY ADS FOR SPANISH CELL PHONES. (PANTING) DO IT, SWEETIE! SAVE OUR TROUBLED MARRIAGE! (GRUNTING) (WHISTLE BLOWING) FOUL ON 23! THAT'S CRAZY. YOUR DAUGHTER JUST TRIPPED ON HER OWN CLUMSY FEET! COME ON, LISA. ADMIT IT! UM, UH... I'M A SPECTATOR ADDRESSING A PLAYER-- ANSWER ME! I SAID FOUL ON 23! YOU ARE SO BLIND, EVEN JESUS COULDN'T HEAL YOU! HELEN, PLEASE. DON'T DROP THE J BOMB. WELL, I'M THROWING YOU BOTH OUT OF THE GAME! (BOTH GASP) (LISA GASPS) OW! SHE TRIPPED ME. OW! OH! OW! (BLOWS WHISTLE) FOUL ON THE OTHER GIRL. LISA GETS A PENALTY KICK, AND EVERY OTHER KID HAS TO PAY HER A DOLLAR. THAT IS AN OUTRAGE! YOUR DAUGHTER'S BEEN FLOPPIN' ALL DAY! SHE HAS NOT. YOUR DAUGHTER'S A DIRTY PLAYER. SIR, I HAVE SIRED A DUM-DUM, A MUSH-HEAD, A WHAT'S-IT, A DOG BOY, AND SOMETHIN' WITH A HUMAN FACE AND FISH BODY, WHAT WE CALLED KEVIN, BUT MY YOUNG'UNS IS NOT DIRTY PLAYERS. I DON'T NEED A SOCCER LECTURE FROM A HILLBILLY. THAT'S HILL-WILLIAM TO YOU, SIR. HOW ABOUT A LECTURE FROM ME, RONALDO? (GASPS) RONALDO?! WINNER OF TWO WORLD CUPS AND THREE FIFA PLAYER OF THE YEAR AWARDS? YES, I AM WHAT YOU SAID. NOW I TRAVEL THE WORLD EXPOSING FLOPPERS, AND YOUR DAUGHTER IS A FLOPPER. NOW, RONALDO AWAY! YOU HEARD GERALDO. WHAT'S IT GONNA BE? (SIGHS) YELLOW CARD! YOU CAN'T GIVE ME A YELLOW CARD. YOU'RE MY FATHER. WHEN I PUT ON THESE SHORTS, I'M NOT YOUR FATHER ANYMORE, AND JUDGING BY HOW TIGHT THEY ARE, I'M NEVER GOING TO BE ANYONE ELSE'S, EITHER. (GRUNTS) THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF YOUR YELLOW CARD! UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT. THAT'S A RED CARD. YOU'RE OUT OF THE GAME! BUT... BUT... OH! ANOTHER FAMILY BROKEN UP BY RONALDO. YES! WHAT A FUN QUEST! AREN'T YOU GLAD I MADE YOU TAKE THAT NAP IN THE MIDDLE? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. LET ME JUST PUT THIS HOLY GRAIL IN MY TROPHY ROOM. WHOA! WHERE'S ALL MY STUFF?! I THOUGHT ALL THE SWORDS AND SEVERED HEADS WERE KIND OF GORY, SO I REDECORATED USING THE HELLO KITTY EXPANSION PACK. NO! MOM? MOM?! I WAS KILLED BY MY OWN SON. SKINNER: NEXT ITEM ON THE AGENDA, I'M AFRAID THAT DUE TO FUNDING CUTS, 9 HOW COULD YOU KILL YOUR OWN MOTHER? IT WAS JUST A GAME. A GAME I USED TO ENJOY BEFORE YOU MOMMED ALL OVER IT. LISA, SWEETIE, I WAS JUST FOLLOWING THE RULES. GREAT. THE ONE TIME YOU ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING RIGHT, YOU RUIN MY LIFE. (SOBBING) I THINK I'LL GO TO BED. IT'S 5:00 IN THE AFTERNOON. WHO CARES? I'M DEAD. JUMPIN' JOHNNYCAKES! THOSE DAMES ARE CHEESED. SON, I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WOMEN IF I LIVE TO BE 40. BIG IF. YOU SAID IT. ENJOY ME WHILE I LAST. (BOTH LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) WANT TO GO SLAM A FEW BEERS? WANT TO WATCH ME? YOU KNOW IT. (GLASS SQUEAKING) WHAT'S THE MATTER, HOMER AND BART? LISA'S MAD AT ME, AND MARGE IS MAD AT HIM. WELL, I'M JUST THE BARTENDER HERE, BUT IT SEEMS TO ME, YOU COULD WIN LISA BACK BY APPEALING TO HER SENSE OF REASON, AND YOU CAN WIN YOUR MOM BACK BY APPEALING TO HER FEELINGS. GEE, MOE, YOU GIVE GREAT ADVICE. YEAH. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE REAL MOE? (ALL LAUGH) (GRUNTING) LISA, HONEY, I BOUGHT YOU SOMETHING. A DVD! NOT INTERESTED. IT'S A DOCUMENTARY BY THE B.B.C. IN COOPERATION WITH CANAL PLUS. (GASPS) GIVE ME, GIVE ME, GIVE ME. (HOMER LAUGHS) (WHIRRING) ANNOUNCER: BRIGHTON, ENGLAND, 1985. MANCHESTER UNITED PLAYS SUSSEXTON HAMPTONSHIRE-ON-LEITH WHEN A DEADLY RIOT BREAKS OUT IN THE STANDS. OI, YOUR BOY'S A FLOPPER, HE IS! NO, HE ISN'T, HE ISN'T! YOUR MOTHER CAN KISS ME BUM! (GRUNTING AND CLAMOURING) (LOUD CHATTER AND BLOWS HITTING) (POIGNANT MUSIC PLAYS) ANNOUNCER: 22 YEARS LATER, THIS RIOT IS STILL GOING ON. (CLAMOURING VOICES) ANNOUNCER: LAST YEAR IN BRAZIL, AN ON-FIELD SCUFFLE TURNED SO VIOLENT, LOCALS SAY A STATUE OF THE VIRGIN MARY CAME ALIVE... AND BEAT THE HOLY SNOT OUT OF EVERYONE. ("ADAGIO FOR STRINGS" PLAYS) OH. MOM, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU LIFE THE WAY I IMAGINE YOU GAVE ME LIFE-- BY PRESSING ALT-F-5 REPEATEDLY. (ELECTRICAL HUMMING AND POPPING) (THEME FROM 'X-MEN' PLAYS) (MOANING) (THUDDING) BART, YOU BROUGHT ME BACK TO LIFE! AS BEST YOU COULD. HA-HA! (ROLLER SQUEAKING) SWEETIE, ARE YOU HERE TO FORGIVE ME? NO. OH! BUT TO GET THAT DVD, I HAD TO BECOME A PBS SUBSCRIBER. NOW I'M PAYING FOR CRAP LIKE 'AMERICAN MASTERS'. (SOBBING) DAD, I CAN'T FORGIVE YOU, BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO FORGIVE. HUH?! YOU WERE RIGHT TO KICK ME OUT OF THAT GAME. SOCCER WAS MAKING ME INSANE, JUST AS IT DID THE CONTINENTS OF EUROPE AND SOUTH AMERICA. THOSE PLACES ARE PRETTY TERRIBLE. SO FROM NOW ON, I'LL PLAY SOCCER FOR THE SAME REASON I STUDY CHEMISTRY-- FOR FUN. DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A LITTLE? I SURE DO. WAIT TILL I TELL THE OTHER MOMS YOU GAVE TWO-THIRDS OF YOUR LIFE FORCE TO SAVE ME. WHAT A GOOD BOY. (POUNDING ON DOOR) THIS WAY. SLAY HIM AND TAKE HIS EXPERIENCE POINTS! (ALL GRUNTING) WAIT. STOP! IF YOU KILL ME, I'LL EGG YOUR HOUSES IN REAL LIFE! IT'S STILL WORTH IT. (GROANS) DON'T WORRY, HONEY. I'LL HUNT DOWN OUR FRIENDS WHO MURDERED YOU... ONE BY ONE. WHATEVER. I'M GONNA GO PLAY OUTSIDE. (LAUGHTER) (BLOWS WHISTLE) LOOK WHAT I CAN DO! (GRUNTS) (LAUGHS) I HAVE TAUGHT YOU WELL. (ECHOING): TOO WELL. MOM, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO PLAY? NO, NO. I'M FINE. (GRUNTING) WHY AM I PAYING $14.95 A MONTH FOR THIS? www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 SHH!