www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 (WOMEN SCREAM AND YELL) (WEAPON CLICKS) (CALLS OUT IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (GRUNTS) (ENGINES REV) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (PEOPLE SHOUT AND EXCLAIM) (GEARS GRIND) Keep this sucker steady, Toll! I'm doing my best! Here we go! (MEN YELL AND GRUNT) Come on, you bastards. BOTH: Arggh! (ALL CRY OUT) Eat shit! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) You better duck. Oh, shit! Hah! Yeah! (EXCLAIMS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOOMING AND GUNFIRE ECHOES) (YELLS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Cover up! Whoo! Hyah! (GRUNTS) Break! Watch your head, Insect! Shut up, Gunner! (LAUGHS) Gotta love it! (TYRES SQUEAL) (LAUGHS) MAN: Hoo-rah! (HELICOPTER MOTOR WHIRRS IN DISTANCE) BARNEY: Incoming chopper! We gotta get this thing outta here. You got any ideas? That's what I'm asking you. Well, I'm asking you. Clear! (REVS ENGINE) MAN: Ohh! (MEN YELL) Hyah! (ALL GRUNT AND YELL) I got this. Arggh! Yeah! (BOTH GRUNT) Arggh! (DRAMATIC FAST-PACED MUSIC) (SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Hah! Hyah! Ohh! Toll Road, get him up. Trench? Oh, this is embarrassing. Yeah, it sure is. CHRISTMAS: What's he doing here? Saving this Chinese billionaire. Oh, yeah? That's funny. So are we. Well, then we have a scheduling problem, don't we? Cut me loose, Frankenstein. Don't get nuts, Gunner. Do it. (GRUNTS) Where's your team? Waiting. I need a weapon, something big. Yours! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. My big weapon's hanging right where it is. Come on, Caesar. You got a backup. If I don't get this back, your ass is terminated. In your dreams. Trench, we got a way out. Thanks. I got my own. Let's get you outta here, pal. Look. I hate to break up the bromance. We're 20 seconds late. Get Moneybags up! A thank you would be nice. I hate owing you. Well, you do, big boy. Let's go, Yang! Did you win? Of course I win. Let's go! (GUNFIRE) I'm out! Now you put on your lucky ring? One wet wall coming up! (ALL CRY OUT) (GUNFIRE) I got your gang bang right here! Arggh! What?! Ohh! Arggh! CHRISTMAS: I got your back! Keep moving! Here we go! Why always me? Are you hit? Yeah, twice. Better you than me. That's nice. Nice. (MEN YELL IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) You order room service? Not really. This could be a piss-poor ending. (MEN CONTINUE YELLING) That loaded? We can only hope. Ohh! Sorry, sir. I had to adjust for the wind shift. BARNEY: No, problem. Hit the last position. Moving out. Over. CAESAR: Let's go, go, go! Oh! (MOTOR REVS) Yeah! Go! Come on! BARNEY ON RADIO: OK, hold on, ladies. The cavalry's here. CAESAR: It's about time you got here! Wake up Sam. On it. Shit! The guy is good. You're good. Appreciate it, sir. BARNEY: We'll swing around and pick you up, Kid. I won't be late, sir. Hyah! Oh! Arggh! TOLL ROAD: Go! Alright, guys, put your toys away. Target in sight. Chute's hot! Fire! You missed. You're aiming! Fire! Fire! Fire! Yeah! Whoo! That was a statement. Hit it! (ENGINES ROAR) Dump the skis! Get rid of this weight! (GRUNTS) Climb, baby. Climb, baby! (INSTRUMENTS BEEP) Climb! It ain't getting up. (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) Lucky ring. Lucky ring. (BOTH LAUGH) CHRISTMAS: We are approximately 20 miles out of Beijing. BARNEY: Not that I wanna hear, but what's the oil pressure? Faulty. Oh, great. And the altimeter? Would you believe it's stuck on 10,000 feet? Hydraulics? What hydraulics? Congratulations. You bought another piece of junk. Hey, can we talk when you're not too busy? Sure. Anytime. Kid's amazing. Really? So am I. You're just used to it. (CHUCKLES) Get the client ready. Hey, what is going on? Looks like you're taking a short cut home, pal. Parachute good? Parachute? Why he got a parachute? Can you believe they changed their landing permit until tomorrow? Yeah, it's OK. He'll get home a little earlier. 15 seconds. Opening the hatch! Yang, get Moneybags home safely. So when are you coming back? Maybe soon, maybe never. Maybe try new life. Then who am I supposed to pick on? You will find another minority. Yang. Smile. See you later, alligator. Zao ba. Huh? (BARNEY SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) That's real Chinese take-out. (ALL LAUGH) Floor it. I'm homesick. You got it. SONG: # Yeah, I'm a wanderer Yeah, a wanderer # I roam around, around, around, around # Yeah, oh, I go... # (BLUESY MUSIC PLAYS) Yes! I love this song! Whoo! Juliet, two. Christmas, my friend, please tell me you ain't going through with this. Of course I am. Look at the girl. Who wouldn't marry her? She cheated on you. It was a half-cheat. Which is? The other side of a half-truth. The facts are murky. Murky? I hate to break this to you, pal, but your girlfriend over there has a world-class cheating gene. I should stab you in the heart. Too late. Hi. Cheers. You know, I used to think you had a black heart. Black is too colourful. Hey, babe. Hey. Mm. Hey, Barney. Hey, Lace. Promise next time not to keep my baby away so long? Cross my heart. If he had one. Look who's lost in space. Got a pen? Hey! You got anything that doesn't have skulls on it? Matter of fact, I don't. Einstein's theory of special relativity, only I made it better. (BLOWS NOSE) (MEN CHUCKLE) Believe it or not, before Gunner became chemically unbalanced, he went to MIT, had a master's degree in chemical engineering. This idiot actually had a brain. You believe that? Well, what happened? He quit to be a bouncer. I wanted to get close to this girl who danced at this disco. Yeah, I can't believe she dumped you. Wouldn't you? I would, yeah. (ALL LAUGH) Can we talk outside? Yeah, sure. Let's go. (SIGHS) How do I put this? Just be straight-up, honest. I feel, uh... I'm not sure what I feel. This life, it's not for you, is it? I thought it was. You gave me a chance to be one of you. You've got my respect forever. You've got my respect too. What are you gonna do? Well, I'd like to finish out the month, then I wanna go meet up with my girlfriend. Where's she from? She's, uh...she's French. Believe it or not, I met her in Afghanistan. She was a nurse. (CHUCKLES) That comes in handy. Yeah. You'd like her. You know, she's the kind of person you wanna do things for. It's why I took this job - 'cause the money's great and I can afford to get her everything she deserves. It's one of those things that just feels right. You know when you can be with someone and you don't even have to talk, you already know what they're thinking? You ever had that? Sure. I don't want you to think that I'm deserting you. No, listen. If I had to do it all over again, at your age, I'd be doing what you're doing. Why don't you freshen up that beer? Alright. (STARTS ENGINE) (PENSIVE MUSIC) MAN: Barney Ross. What do you want from me, Church? Not too good on the memory category, are you, Barney? You made a deal with me. You gave me your word. And you end up blowing up half of Vilena, punching holes and a bowie knife through a fellow CIA agent, even if he was a dirtbag. But what breaks my heart is that you stole $5 million from me. And for all this male pattern badness, I could've put you in the deepest, darkest hole in Gitmo. No sunlight. But I kept you out. Right. Because I knew the day would come when you were gonna pay me back, and today is that day. Keep talking. A Chinese plane got shot down over the mountains near a hellhole called Gasak. Yeah? Who shot it down? Take a guess. On board that plane is a safe carrying something you don't need to know about. All you need to know is you can't let it fall into the wrong hands. You're gonna go in there, get the contents of that safe before anyone else and bring it to me. It should be a walk in the park for you. And then we're even? We'll get to that. The safe in that plane is very high-tech. The access code changes every 120 seconds. You use the wrong code, it blows. So we need to get you in... Wait. We? Who's we? Who are you working with? That's none of your business. Let's just call our host the Corporation, alright? I'm sending along a pro who specialises in this type of situation. Her name is Maggie Chang. A woman? That usually goes along with the name Maggie, yeah. Forget it. She can handle herself. But let me be clear. If anything happens to her, if she gets a hangnail, she gets hurt, gets roughed up, doesn't come back in exactly the same condition she went in, you and your little gang of psychotic mutts will never be seen again. And that I promise you. I don't make a very good babysitter. (CHUCKLES) Don't sell yourself short. You're gonna make a very good babysitter. Be there at 7:00. (ENGINE ROARS) (ENGINE STOPS) (MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVS IN DISTANCE) Hey. I'm Maggie Chang. You Barney Ross? Yeah. Mr Church told you about me? He said you wanna tag along. Help, not tag along. Nice motorcycle. Where we're going is new. We don't know what to expect. Is it custom? I think it's a mistake, you coming along. Build it yourself? Yeah, I built it myself. Are you playing games with me, Maggie? No. Are you playing games with me? Church told me what you said. I'm combat proficient. I don't need a babysitter. So when do we leave? 0500. Nice meeting you. (ENGINE REVS) (SIGHS, STARTS ENGINE) 1 (RELAXED '60s POP MUSIC PLAYS) (GUNNER CLEARS THROAT) (CLEARS THROAT) She's into me. She hates you. (EXHALES SHARPLY) Watch this. (GUNNER CLEARS THROAT AND COUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT, GRUNTS) (COUGHS) Um... (CHUCKLES) You know if something happens to her, it's coming back on us. Did you ever think to ask me for my opinion? I've told you 10 times before, I didn't have a choice, unless you don't mind going to jail. Well, Church intimidated you. Really? Yeah. (DUCKS QUACKING ON RINGTONE) Is that the woman you can never fully trust calling again? I will stab you one day. Mm. Hey, baby. Yeah, of course I'm thinking about you. What else is there to think about? (SCOFFS) Hopeless. Hey. You were in the army, right? I can tell. Yes, ma'am. Three years. Last tour was Afghanistan, Kunar Province. Didn't like it anymore? Uh, it's a long story. I would like to hear it. Well, alright. I was trained as a sniper and an instructor too, but I just really wanted to mix it up, get in on the action. But this one time we were stuck out in this hellhole valley, about 30 Taliban opened up from these houses in the hills above us and they got about eight of us pinned down bad so I called in for artillery support, but, 'No way,' says the captain. He didn't want to endanger the locals. So we scattered. Some crawled to a ditch, some to a dry riverbed and the rest bailed, but we were still stuck in the kill zone. We battled for... I don't know. Three hours. Then finally an Apache gunship chopper showed up to provide air cover. They scattered the hajis, but... The smoke clears, four of my squad are dead in the ditch and two in the riverbed. Yeah, I was mad and sick. All dead for nothing. You know, the most screwed-up thing of all is when I got back to base that night I found out that they had shot this stray dog that I adopted. Commander's orders to get rid of all animals on the base. I mean, you'd think we'd had enough damn shooting for one day, you know? Anyway, I, uh...I figured it was time to move on. I heard these guys were looking for someone and here I am. BARNEY: You got that transponder? MAGGIE: Yes. Apparently 15 kilometres north-west. OK. (ALL GRUNT AND PANT) (DUCKS QUACKING ON RINGTONE) 'Oh, hello, darling!' Hello, darling. I'm a little busy. Hey, let's move. We're in and out of here fast. CAESAR: The sooner the better. Billy the Kid! Yeah? Today's your lucky day. You get to take point. My pleasure, sir. Impressive. Hold on. (SIGHS) Remember when you could do that? No. Do you? Could blow him away if I needed to. Really? Look down. Look down. You see what I see? Short legs. 1,000 bucks you can't catch him. Come on, Flash. I'm a little busy. Are you? BILLY ON RADIO: Found the wreck at the bottom of the hill, sir. BARNEY: Slow it down, Billy. You're making us look bad. Say it again? Over. You heard. Roger that. Slowing it down. (CHUCKLES) We appreciate it. The rest of the plane's over the hill, sir. Good work, Billy. CAESAR: Looks like somebody had a bad day. You guys go to the right. (WOLVES SNARL) (GUNSHOTS) BARNEY: Take off, Rover. Alright, Billy. You get a vantage point up there. There's fur in their hands. These guys were alive until the wolves got to them. Be careful. (WOLVES HOWL NEARBY) Is this it? Yes, it's here. Caesar, I need you in here! Grab a hold of this thing. I think it's spring-loaded. Lee, hook that on. Now, on the count of three let's pull it back. Ready? One, two, three. (ALL GRUNT) We can't hold this! You have to! (MEN GROAN) (COMPUTER TRILLS) BARNEY: Come on, Maggie! (COMPUTER BLIPS) Something's wrong. What? The timer's triggered. How long? 54 seconds. If we leave now we'll make it. Maggie, let it go! No, I can do it. (GROANS) BARNEY: Come on, Maggie! Hey, what's going on? She tripped the detonator. Stay back! (ALL GROAN AND GRUNT) I'm losing my grip! You do, she's cut in half. Come on, Maggie! Got it! Ohh! Arggh! (ALL PANT AND GASP) Ohh! Yeah, lucky I was here. Just thinking that. I'm sorry. It's important I get this. You got guts. No common sense, but guts. Come on. It's alright. We got it. Let's go. You're strong! Billy, come on down. We're outta here. What happened? CAESAR: That woman is crazy, but I got a good pump. CHRISTMAS: Aren't you curious about what's inside the case? No, I just wanna get Church off our back. Billy the Kid! Where the hell is he? Billy! MAN: Drop your weapons! CHRISTMAS: No way. Ain't happening. No? Are you sure? I'm sorry, sir. They were waiting. Drop the weapons now. Don't do it. (COCKS GUN) He's a strong soldier. Let's see how strong he is. Do it. No! Oh-ho-ho! (GRUNTS) Don't do nothing he says! (GROANS) Don't talk. You should not speak. I'm gonna kill him. When I fire, his head will be gone. Three seconds. Don't give your weapons. You don't owe me anything! One. Two. Don't do this. They'll kill everyone. He's gonna kill him. Et numro trois! Drop them! (GROANS) I'm impressed. Very good use of intelligence. Everybody stay calm. We'll be done soon and then we'll be on our way. Bring me that knife. What's this symbol? I like symbol. This is the symbol of the goat. The pet of Satan... ..they say. You have a case that belongs to me. Does it? Yes, like your lives. It was lost. He doesn't have it. Last time - the case or you will force me... ..to cut... ..his heart out. Do it, you piece of shit. MAGGIE: Wait! (GROANS) CHRISTMAS: Let me have it. MAN: Hey! You talking to me? Pick it up. Hand it to me. Go get it yourself. What was that? You heard. Now pick it up, hand it to me nicely or you'll get what he got. Do it, Lee. It'll be alright, Billy. Respect is everything. Without respect, we're just people, common, shitty people. I'm sorry, sir. It's not your fault. Now what? We're both fighting men and I respect that. And fighting men, they don't deserve to be killed like sheep. But... ..respect must be taught. Lie down with your face on the ground until we leave. Don't challenge me. Get down. (HELICOPTER WHIRRS OVERHEAD) Up. Are you afraid of me? No, I'm not. You should be. (GRUNTS) I'm dying. Don't talk, Billy. Cut his hands loose! The letter in my pocket... Alright, kid, I got it. I got it. I'm so sorry. I believe you. What was in the case? A computer blueprint of a mine. A mine? What mine?! The Russians stored nearly five tons of weapons-grade plutonium. The mine was abandoned after the Cold War. No-one knows it's there. The blueprints show where the plutonium is stored. We wanted to stop it before it gets in the wrong hands. I guess that didn't happen, did it? This kid died so some dirtbag can make bombs. I'm so sorry. Not as sorry as I am. Let's take care of him. (READS) 'Dear Sophia, 'I wish I could find something different to do besides just missing you, but I can't. 'The team's treating me good. 'We got each other's backs. 'I want you to know that wherever I end up 'I'll be wanting the very best for you, 'and if some miracle happens and I come back again 'I hope I'm still your man. Much love, Billy.' Why is it the one of us who wants to live the most, who deserves to live the most, dies and the ones that deserve to die keep on living? What's the message in that? What's the plan? Track him, find him, kill him. 1 MAN: CZ-1492, come on. Requesting a response immediately. Who's this bozo? ON RADIO: CZ-1492, this is a secure air wave. Do you read? What's this about? CHURCH: What's taking so long, Barney Ross? This should've been a walk in the park for you guys. Where's the case? Don't have it. I warned you what would happen to you mutts if you pulled this shit again. A good man died trying to get that case. I'm sorry about that. BARNEY: Are you? Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. But this sort of situation comes with the territory, wouldn't you say? And so does payback. Church, you're the kind of guy that pulls the strings and everyone else does your dirty work 'cause you've never had the guts to do it yourself. We're done. (RADIO BLIPS) Sir, we got a problem. The digging has slowed down. Too many are dying. They're exhausted. He's tired. Anybody else tired?! Get more workers. We've already taken most of the men from the villages. Get all the rest - women, children, all of them. Show me. Now we know where it is. Right, right. OK, I know what to do. Good. I want the plutonium out in three days. Three days? I have people ready to pay four million a kilo now. Three days. No more. Understood. You're smart - imagine if six pounds of pure plutonium is powerful enough to change the balance of the world. So imagine what five tons would do. It's very interesting, yeah? (COMPUTER BLIPS) Something's happening. What? The transmission stopped. They're underground. I'm putting it down right here. (ENGINES WHIRR) BARNEY: Come on. Let's hustle. Hustle! We gotta move. Christmas! Come on. Do you even know what the hell you're doing? Five minutes. Don't get your knickers in a twist. BARNEY: Another transport truck. Could be one of theirs. Let's check this place out. (COCKS GUN) No shooting. Classics? Yeah. I've been dying to use these. We'll beat the truth out of them. Maggie, tell the guys to wait in the truck. OK. (PEOPLE CHATTER IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (QUIETLY) They're here. Yeah. Speak English? He's slightly gigantic. So? Just saying. He's really gigantic. I said that! (SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (CONTINUES SPEAKING) Hey! Can't beat a classic. I say we beat some info out of these guys and get moving. Sounds good to me. Let's start with the midget. Calm down, boys. I can get them to talk with much less effort. What's she gonna do? Give them a pedicure? (SQUELCHING) (MAN MOANS) It's a little sick. Christmas, hot-wire that truck, go back to the plane and get the weapons. Get one of those cheese-heads to do it. Stop complaining. Should've bounced one of these of off your skull. How'd it go? We're on. Let's move. TOLL ROAD: Cheese-heads! 1 They call themselves Sangs. They say they control everything east of the mountains. Robbery, kidnapping, assassinations... Basically, a cartel for hire. How do you know the language? Easy. I put it together. It's a cross between the Ukraine and Bulgarian dialect. Impressed? A little. Christmas. What?! BARNEY: Why are you yelling? 'Cause you gave me the shit job. That's why. I'm gonna shoot you in the face when I see ya. Where are you? The 60-year-old deathtrap you call a plane. Well, what's taking so long? There's bridges out, signs missing. I've been driving these dirt roads for the last seven hours! You done complaining? Thanks for the sympathy. This is weird. It's just like home. That figures. What the hell is this place? MAGGIE: I believe it's an old Soviet army base. Probably used in the '80s, Cold War. They most likely staged manoeuvres and practised attacks against the US here. Is there anything you don't know? CAESAR: Great. Just what I need - 50-year-old pizza. We'll bed down here for the night. (BLUES MUSIC PLAYS) Oh! This tastes like shit. How's yours? Can't complain about rigatoni. Plan ahead, fellas. That's all I have to say. Yo, what if you knew you were gonna die tomorrow? What would your last meal be? One choice. One choice? Probably cereal for you, huh? What the hell's wrong with cereal? It's cliche. CAESAR: You gotta be original. If you were an original, broad-thinking man you'd probably come up with some special cereal, like Earios, you know, just like your ear. Pour milk on them suckers, they just lay there and you don't hear shit. For the record, my hearing is 20/20. Barney? Doughnuts and most food that kills ya. That's deep, man. Oh, you think so? Maggie? Crispy aromatic duck with plum sauce. Very sexy. But I like Italian too. I'm starting to think Italian's overrated. (ALL LAUGH) Hey! What about me? My favourite Swedish dinner would be... ..baby seal and whale ass in the summer. But I'd really die for some Chinese. Then you're gonna starve to death. (ALL LAUGH) Alright, sweet dreams. Hey, Barney. I'm not done eating, man. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Can I ask you something? Sure. Go ahead. Why are you so nervous around me? I don't get nervous, Maggie. What is it, then? I just like keeping a distance. Is it because you don't want to know any more people? Let's just say bad things have happened to people I've gotten close to. Not a good way to live. I know. Do you think about the young man who died? All the time. You don't talk about him much. No, that's how we deal with death. Can't change what it is so we keep it light until it's time to get dark and then we get pitch black. Understand? I understand. Goodnight. Goodnight, Maggie. SONG: # It's a beautiful morning # Oh... # (SNORING) I swear to God, if he doesn't stop snoring, I'm gonna shoot him. Gunner! (GRUNTS, COUGHS) You rang? I know it's a stupid question - I don't suppose you have any more of that coffee? Pot only makes one cup. Yeah, that's what I figured. Listen up. Those guys said the congregation of Sangs are probably in this area, concentrated east, so that's where we're going. We're out of here in 10 minutes. So get ready, do what you gotta do. (SIGHS) (MEN CHATTER IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Houston, we got a problem. Down! (GUNFIRE) (UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS) Get down, get down! We gotta get outta here! Go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go, go, go! Go! (UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) Save your ammo. (RADIO TRILLS) Where the hell are you? I'm almost there. (GUNSHOTS OVER RADIO) What's going on? Are those shots? Yeah. What's happening? The Sangs got us pinned down. Can you hold them off? Maybe with a tank. (RUMBLING) Oh, shit. What? They got a tank. Come on, come on, come on. Oh! Let's roll. Come on! I'm out. One left. Why not? (RAPID GUNFIRE) Hey, who did that? Not me. I'm out. 1 What just happened? Somebody got a little carried away. It looks that way. Where are the shooters? I don't know, but if they wanted us dead, we'd be dead. Barney. (THEME SONG FROM 'THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY') Don't freak out. Small world, huh, Barney? Booker? Rumour has it you were dead. Yeah, I heard that too. So how's life treating ya? Been better. You did all this? I fight solo. I thought you knew that. Yeah, I heard it, but I didn't buy it. Well, now you do. This your team? Yeah. Gunner, Toll Road, Hale Caesar and Maggie. Booker. You're the one people call the Lone Wolf? I've been called that, but I have mellowed. Not that much. I heard another rumour that you were bitten by a king cobra. Yeah, I was. But after five days of agonising pain, the cobra died. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) Hey, Booker. Great to see you, man. BOOKER: So how'd you wind up in this godforsaken place? We got ambushed by Sangs about 100 kilometres east of here. They killed one of my men - a young kid. Sorry to hear that. Yeah. The Sangs are the lowest form of scum. Shooting them has been a good business. You know who the leader is? Yeah, a guy named Vilain. Vilain? Mm-hm. He pretty much controls everything in this area. You're gonna need more men if you expect to get out alive. Can you help out? Oh, sorry, Barney. I work alone. I understand. Thanks for showing up. My pleasure. Hey, Barney! There's a village down the road. They're good people and they hate the Sangs. Maybe they can help out. Thanks. Happy hunting. What happened? I'm still alive. That's a matter of opinion. What'd I miss? I'll tell you on the way. Come on, guys. Unload these weapons. Looks like Christmas came way late this year. Yeah, I love you too. Well, I'm happy to see you. Finally - somebody with class. This has gotta be the town that Booker was talking about. I could retire to a place like this. Clean air, no stress, raise some kids. You know, Maggie, I could retire to a place like this. You are so full of shit. (LAUGHS) (GUNFIRE) Out, out, out! They're missing us by a mile! WOMAN: Put down guns! That's not happening! (GASPS) Oh! The safest place is in front of their gun. (ALL CHUCKLE) We will shoot you! No! Wait. These guys are here to help. They want to help. Even you two rejects could get lucky around here. GUNNER: You think? TOLL ROAD: I doubt it. Do you mind? Who you are? We're Americans. Since when? Swedish. Blackfoot. Chinese. Retards. Are you done? What do you want? We're here to take care of the Sangs. OK, come inside. Come on. This is who we think you come for. This is who we will die for. First they told us there would be good jobs, good money. Some went, but nobody come back. They come for more. They say as soon as our men go to job the others come home. My husband goes. For a long time we hear nothing, then the Sangs come and they take all of the rest of the men, forced them to work in the mines. Same in the next village, and the next. They take my sons. Now all that is left are the very young and they will be back for them too. I know this. We all know this. So we hide them and we wait. Why don't you just move on, leave? This is our home. Our lives will be the last thing they take. Tell us why you're here now. We're tracking them. Can't you stay and help? You saw the children! Soon they'll be done and they'll kill them all. We have our own business with them. I'm sorry. Let's go. (WOMAN CRIES SOFTLY) I don't think they're gonna last here much longer. I think they know that. So we're not gonna do anything about it? (SIGHS) I got an idea. And with your ego, I think you're gonna love it. My ego? Your ego. What do you mean, my ego? You've got a big ego. Well, check your ego out. Oh, please. Your ego is, like, the size of a dinosaur. Huge. 1 (MEN CALL OUT IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) We have it. We found the plutonium. (VILLAGERS CHATTER) (ENGINE WHIRRS IN DISTANCE) (WOMAN SPEAKS FRANTICALLY) (PEOPLE SHOUT AND YELL) (RINGS BELL FRANTICALLY) (PEOPLE YELL AND ARGUE IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (MEN YELL) (WOMAN SHRIEKS) (MAN GIVES ORDERS) (MURMURS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (CONTINUES MURMURING) By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you... ..man and knife. Ohh! (GRUNTS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (ALL GRUNT AND YELL) Oh... Arggh! (GUNFIRE AND SHOUTING) One more! Rest in pieces! (MEN CALL OUT AND YELL IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) -This is the last one? -Yeah. -Good. -Oh! Arggh! The chambers are cleared. No loose ends. You bury them all. BARNEY: I see about a dozen guards, light weapons, a couple of bad-ass .50-cals. CHRISTMAS: Worse - anti-tank devices. There's no way our trucks will get through that minefield. Look, I know this is a stupid question, but you got any ideas that won't get us killed? I got a few I'm thinking about. (MOMENTOUS MUSIC) (AEROPLANE ENGINE WHIRRS IN DISTANCE) (MEN YELL AND SHOUT) -Boom time? -Boom time. (MEN YELL FRANTICALLY) (MEN YELL ORDERS) Target in sight! -Baby wants to travel! -Fire! -Rock'n'roll! -Fire! -(MEN SCREAM) -Bombs away! (MAN CALLS OUT ORDER) -Tighten up. -What's happening now? Chaos! You're not doing what I think you're doing? -Yeah, I am! -Let's do it! Come on! Let's move! (BARNEY GRUNTS) (MAGGIE SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) You're gonna need a new plane. (GUNS COCK) (WHISTLE) -MAGGIE: We're too late! -BARNEY: What? The plutonium's gone. -(BOOMING) -(MEN EXCLAIM) Come on, come on, come on! Come on, come on! -Go, go, go, go! -Move it, move it, move it! Go on! Get outta here! (ALL YELL AND SHOUT) (BOOMING STOPS) (PEOPLE GASP AND COUGH) We're gonna be here a while. 1 (BLUES ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) It doesn't seem right. Going out this chicken-shit way? Yeah, something like that. Hey, it ain't over yet, kids. I got a plan. Everybody calm down. Phosphate rock. What's he doing? Probably making a bomb. -Are you serious? -Ask him. What you doing, Gunner? I'm making a bomb. You mind? A maniac with brains. Scary. Phosphate rock - it's got a density of 1.852, a melting point of 44.2 Centigrade. Guys, I want some gunpowder, fast. Do it! The man's a chemical engineer, right? And a Fulbright scholar. Pour it in the pipe. The big man might be onto something. -You think? -Probably not. Need some help with that? Let's go! Here! Go blow yourself up. Lighter? I want that back. Better get back. This is gonna be loud. (LAUGHS) Get back! OK, uh... Alright, let's go. Alright. Better turn around unless you want your heads blown off. And better cover your ear. (CHUCKLES) Come on. (FIZZES AND POOFS) (BARNEY SIGHS) Well, the phosphorus must have been damp. -Yeah, right. -TOLL ROAD: Or you suck. -CAESAR: There's that. -MAGGIE: Don't cry, Gunner. BARNEY: You almost had an idea. (RUMBLING) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) I'm back. How are you doing, Trench? (PEOPLE CHEER AND SHOUT) Oh, I thank you, I thank you. You're welcome. (MEN AND WOMEN CALL OUT) -Rojan! -(YELLS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (BOTH CONTINUE CALLING OUT) Mmm. We're even now, right? Right. I'll be seeing you around, Trench. Thanks a lot. Relax. It's not over yet. -What? -That's right. -How you doing, pal? -I was doing pretty good. What are you doing here? I heard there was a party in town. Yeah, but it's my party. Has he always been this selfish? -Always. -Thanks. (HELICOPTER MOTOR WHIRRS) Do you wanna kick Vilain's ass or not? Don't forget the Little Rascals. Move it. (REVS ENGINE) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (TYRES SQUEAL) Move out! (PEOPLE SCREAM) Take the rest of the nukes to the hangar now and get the plutonium on the plane. Follow me. We need to buy some time. -(MAN GRUNTS) -(PEOPLE SCREAM AND SHOUT) Go, go! (EXCERPT FROM 'THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY' THEME SONG) BARNEY: I'm out. VILAIN: Hold them up! Go! Go! Move! Shit! (ALL GRUNT) (PEOPLE SCREAM) -Fun, huh? -Yeah. Oh, there he is! Come on, Vilain! Let's go! -Yeah. -Tear him apart! Ohh! I'm almost out. I'll be back. You've been back enough. I'll be back. (FLATLY) Yippee-ki-yay. Who's next? Rambo? -GUNNER: Goodbye! -Arggh! Let's go. Hah! (ALL GRUNT AND YELL) Maggots! Start the engine. Get that thing in the air. I want to make some money! Move! Trench, get in! My shoe is bigger than this car. -Shoot something! -(ENGINE HUMS) Gun! -(TYRES SQUEAL) -Arggh! (SCANNER BEEPS) 1 Start the helicopter. We have a special guest coming. Let's go! (MEN YELL IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Oh! Take care of him! Oh! This way! Arggh! (BOTH GRUNT) (GRUNTS) (BLADES BUZZ) Can't beat a classic. -Barney! -What are you doing here? (DOOR OPENS) I'm going in there alone. Don't follow me no matter what. Do you understand? -Do you understand? -Yes. If that door opens up and I don't come out and he does, you kill him. VILAIN: Let's make it more dramatic. Now that's better. -I'm out of bullets! -That's your problem. Not really. You wanna kill me like a man? Or you wanna kill me... ..like a sheep? Nice knife. (KNIFE CLATTERS) So... ..what's it going to be? Man or sheep? You wanna man up? I'll man you up. Ooh! You must want to hurt me bad. I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm gonna take your life. Come. (BOTH GRUNT AND YELL) -(COUGHS) -Huh! Over so soon? I want my money's worth. -Come on. Get up! -Coming right up. Ooh! Going back down! Taste good? You talkin' to me? Ohh! -Arggh! -Time to wrap this up. (GAGS AND GRUNTS) Huh! Oh! (BARNEY GROANS) Ironic - here we are, you and I, and your knife. You're going to die...like him. What was his name? What did you call him? What does it matter? Come on, Vilain. Somebody's dying. Come on, Vilain. Come on, Vilain! -Come on! -Huh! (GRUNTS) Oh...oh! Get up, Vilain. Get...up. Now turn around. Turn around, sheep. -Now what? -Arggh! (GROANS) His name was Billy. (GROANS) You know how to carve a turkey? -Did you win? -I think so. Well, where's the proof? Heads up. -Hmm. -Nice touch. Mm-hm. It is a nice touch. -A little extreme, but nice. -Mm-hm. And as much as I hate to say this, Bam-Bam, now that we got control of the plutonium, that makes us even. Good. So, Maggie, you'll be coming with us, then? When you're ready. So I just wanted... Wow. They're OK, just a little immature. I don't have to go. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. And I did save the babysitter's life. That you did do. Maybe I'm good luck for you. But I could be bad luck for you and I can't allow that. Hmm. If you ever want help, call me or you're dead. I'll do that. What are you doing here? Moving on. You killed all my business. I thought you were the Lone Wolf. (CHUCKLES) Sometimes it's fun to run with the pack. Yeah, you got a point. You take care, Maggie. Oh, I almost forgot. As a token of my gratitude, my violent friend, I got you and the Little Rascals a ride home. -Behold. -What? Consider it a gift. That thing belongs in a museum. -(LAUGHS) -We all do. (SCOFFS) -Hey. It was fun, right? -Yeah, fun. Take care. (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) (SOLEMN MUSIC) (SINGSONG) Beware, beware ALL: Walk with care Careful what you do Or Mumbo Jumbo's gonna hoodoo you Mumbo Jumbo's gonna hoodoo you Boomlay, boomlay, boomlay, boom! To Billy! -BARNEY: To Billy. -ALL: To Billy. GUNNER: Rest in peace. -Man, I need a massage. -Don't look at me. Hey. What? From one friend to another? What? You really should learn how to fight. (BOTH LAUGH) SONG: # One, two, three, four... #