1 www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (BEEPING) (PLAYING THE BLUES) (PLAYING THE BLUES) (TYRES SCREECHING) OH. HEY. (BELCHING) HEY. (HORN HONKING) D'OH! (SCREAMS) (SUCKS) LAME, LAME, LAME, LAME, HAVE IT, LAME, SUPERMAN DIES, AQUAMAN DIES, CASPER DIES, CAVEMAN ROBIN, BLACK ROBIN, BORN-AGAIN ROBIN. (GASPS) WHOA! THE INFAMOUS WOLVERINE COMIC WITH POP-OUT CLAWS. WHY WAS THIS SO CONTROVERSIAL? (CRYING) NICE WORK, DR BOO-WHO. YOUR TEARS HAVE SMUDGED WOLVERINE'S ICONIC SIDEBURNS. HENCE, YOU MUST BUY THIS COMIC. AND THE COST OF YOUR INNOCENT ACCIDENT IS... $25, PLEASE. BUT THAT'S THE MONEY YAYA SOPHIA GAVE ME FOR GREEK ORTHODOX EASTER. I HATE WHEN THEY TELL ME THINGS ABOUT THEMSELVES. YOU SHOULD STOP BEING SO MEAN TO US KIDS. WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU COULD BUY YOUR COMICS SOMEWHERE ELSE. MAYBE THEY SELL COMICS AT THE DRY CLEANERS. NO? PERHAPS THEY SELL COMICS AT THE MATTRESS STORE. NO? OR PERHAPS YOU COULD BUY YOUR COMICS AT THAT NEW COMIC BOOKSTORE ACROSS THE STREET? PHILIP K DICK. IT CAN'T BE. IT'S AS IF SUPERMAN MOVED TO GOTHAM CITY. WHICH HE DID, IN WORLD'S FINEST COMICS NUMBER 94. SEE. THAT WAS AN IMAGINARY STORY DREAMT BY JIMMY OLSEN AFTER HE WAS KICKED IN THE HEAD BY SUPERGIRL'S HORSE, COMET. IT NEVER REALLY HAPPENED. NONE OF THESE THINGS EVER REALLY HAPPENED. GET OUT OF MY STORE. GRAND OPENING! HEY WHAT UP, YOU GUYS? HOW G-G-G-GOES IT? MY NAME'S MILO, AND THIS IS COOLSVILLE. NOW LISTEN, BEFORE EVERYONE CHILLS WITH SOME SWEET COMIC B'S, EVERYONE GETS A FREE PIECE OF JAPANESE HARD CANDY. ONE FOR YOU. SHORT KID IN BACK. DOWN LOW. GO LONG. I GOT PRAWN. MMM. I GOT MISO. MMM. I GOT DOLPHIN. NOW, I HOPE YOU ALL LIKE KOREAN POP COVERS OF TOM JONES SONGS, COS THEY'RE ABOUT TO BE BLASTED. # HANYONG, PUSSYCAT? # WAH, WAH, WAH-AH. # HANYONG, PUSSYCAT? WAH, WAH, WAH-AH. # PUSSYCAT, PUSSYCAT... (SINGING IN KOREAN) ASTERIX! TINTIN! I HEARD THESE ONLY EXISTED IN HIGH SCHOOL FRENCH CLASSES. COME ON, SNOWY, WE MUST SAVE THE BELGIAN AMBASSADOR FROM THE BLACK ORCHID GANG. (RUMBLING) WHAT'S THAT? A SOUND OF IGNITION? ZUT ALORS! THIS CASTLE IS ACTUALLY A FOUR-STAGE ROCKET, AND IT'S HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE POMPIDOU CENTRE. OH NO, I RIPPED IT. HEY, NO WORRIES, LITTLE LADY. THESE BOOKS ARE MEANT TO BE READ AND ENJOYED, NOT HOARDED AND THEN SOLD WHEN YOU GET DIVORCED. WOW! HE'S SO COOL. ALL RIGHT, I GET IT. YOU'RE COOL; YOU'RE NOT 'MAINSTREAM,' YOU WEAR A PORKPIE HAT. MMM,... PORKPIE. BUT LET'S SEE WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT SUPERHEROES. HEY, I'M ALL ABOUT THE CAPES. FLAME ON. WHO'S STRONGER? THE THUNG OR THE MULK? AND SHOW YOUR WORK. WHOA, OH, HEAD RUSH. OK, WELL, THE MULK KICKED A TIDAL WAVE INTO THE SUN, WHEREAS... THE THUNG GAVE A PIGGYBACK RIDE TO THE 1985 CHICAGO BEARS. HOO, BOY, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE. WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK? DOES GALACTUS EAT PLANETS? OF COURSE I DO. WOW. I WAS IN SUCH A BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH MY EX-COMIC BOOK GUY, I'D FORGOTTEN HOW GOOD IT COULD BE. MM. BYE, BART. ENJOY YOUR FUNNY BOOKS. (HUMMING) LOOK, MAGGIE, I'M WONDER WOMAN. OH. I'VE LOST MY PERFECT 26-26-26 FIGURE. NEVER COMPARE YOURSELF TO A STANDEE. HEY, YOU'RE WAY SKINNIER THAN A LOT OF SUPERHEROES. GIRTHQUAKE, FLABERELLA. KEARNEY'S MOM. SHUT UP! HER DEPRESSION MEDICATION MAKES HER BLOATED. SHE'S DEPRESSED COS YOU'RE SO LAME. SHUT UP! (GROANING AND GRUNTING) OOH, I'D BETTER JOIN A GYM BEFORE I GO FROM HIPPY TO HIPPO. I WISH MY MOM SAID CUTE THINGS LIKE THAT. SHE CAN'T COS SHE'S DEPRESSED. SHUT UP. (GROANING AND GRUNTING) (GASPS) LOOK AT ALL THESE ALTERNATIVE COMIC BOOK CREATORS. ALAN MOORE, ART SPIEGELMAN. OH, DAN CLOWES. I REALLY IDENTIFIED WITH THE GIRLS IN GHOST WORLD. THEY MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WASN'T SO ALONE. YEAH, YEAH, WHATEVER. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO WORKS AT BATMAN? COS I REALLY WANT TO DRAW BATMAN. I'M AWESOME AT UTILITY BELTS. CHECK THESE OUT. THIS IS WHERE THE BATMAN KEEPS HIS MONEY IN CASE HE HAS TO TAKE THE BUS. MM-HM. ALAN MOORE, YOU WROTE MY FAVOURITE ISSUES OF RADIOACTIVE MAN. OH REALLY. SO YOU LIKE THAT I MADE YOUR FAVOURITE SUPERHERO A HEROIN-ADDICTED JAZZ CRITIC WHO'S NOT RADIOACTIVE? I DON'T READ THE WORDS. I JUST LIKE WHEN HE PUNCHES PEOPLE. HOW DO YOU MAKE HIS COSTUME STICK SO CLOSE TO HIS MUSCLES? (SIGHS) MR MOORE, WILL YOU SIGN MY DVD OF WATCHMEN BABIES? WHICH OF THE BABIES IS YOUR FAVOURITE? YOU SEE WHAT THOSE BLOODY CORPORATIONS DO? THEY TAKE YOUR IDEAS AND THEY SUCK THEM. SUCK THEM LIKE LEECHES UNTIL THEY'VE GOTTEN EVERY LAST DROP OF THE MARROW FROM YOUR BONES! HEY, TEACUP, WHY DON'T YOU CHILL OUT? (SIGHS) VERY WELL. (CHUCKLING) # OH, LITTLE LULU, I LOVE YOU-LU, JUST THE SAME. # (SIGHS) ATTENTION, COMIC BOOK AFICIONADOS! THIS MAN IS NOT ONE OF US! HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND! (SHOCKED GASPS) MY NAME'S STRAWBERRY. MY PURSE IS A LUNCHBOX. NOW, LISTEN UP, MY WAYWARD LITTLE FANBOYS. I HAVE THE MOST WONDERFUL NEWS. MY STORE NOW SELLS NINJA WEAPONS. WHOA! YOU WOULD SELL WEAPONS OF THE ORIENT TO CHILDREN? THAT IS WEAK. FACE THE FACTS, HAS-BEEN. THIS MAN IS THE COMIC BOOK GUY OUR TOWN DESERVES. VERY WELL, I GUESS THE MATURE THING TO DO IS... (CRAZED SCREAMING) OH NO! THE STORE'S IN TROUBLE! LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY FREELANCERS, ACTIVATE! MAUS IS IN THE HOUSE! (CARNIVAL MUSIC) (GRUNTING) OOH, L.A! THIS COULD BE THE GYM FOR ME. (TECHNO MUSIC) YOU'RE GONNA GET SO RIPPED HERE. WE'VE GOT TUMMY TONE WITH SASHA, POWER BOUNCE WITH ZACH D, ZEN ABS WITH ZACH G, AND YOU'VE JUST GOTTA TRY MOMMY AND ME KICKBOXING! (KIDS GRUNTING) HMM. HMM. OOH! ARGH! WHO THOUGHT WALKING COULD BE SO DIFFICULT? WELL, I'M SURE EVERYONE ELSE IS HAVING TROUBLE TOO. # OH, HERE IT GOES, HERE IT GOES, HERE IT GOES AGAIN. NOW, AW, HERE IT GOES AGAIN. # I SHOULD'VE KNOWN, SHOULD'VE KNOWN, SHOULD'VE KNOWN AGAIN. OH, BUT HERE IT GOES AGAIN. # OH, HERE IT GOES. # (SIGHING) MAYBE I'LL JUST HIT THE SHOWERS. HMM. (HUMMING) MARGE, YOU MISSED A SPOT. ARGH! OH, I WISH THERE WAS A GYM FOR US REGULAR LADIES. HMM. MM... HM. 'RULES: NO MEN, NO CELL PHONES, NO MIRRORS, NO SHAME.' MARGE, I WISH YOU WELL, BUT WHY WOULD WOMEN WANT TO GO TO A GYM IF THERE WERE NO MEN THERE WATCHING THEM AND JUDGING THEM? WE'RE GONNA BE RICH! WE CAN FINALLY START A FAMILY! WE HAVE A FAMILY. A BETTER ONE! 1 MARGE (OVER P.A.): SWITCH STATIONS! (BELL RINGS) I LOVE THIS GYM. ME TOO! FINALLY, AN EXERCISE BIKE FOR WOMEN OF A CERTAIN AGE ` JURASSIC! (LAUGHING LIKE PHYLLIS DILLER) MOM, EVERY WORKOUT APPOINTMENT IS BOOKED UP FOR MONTHS! WE'LL HAVE TO OPEN A SECOND SHAPES. WE JUST NEED TO FIND A VACANT RENTAL PROPERTY. HMM. (SOBBING) I CAN'T BELIEVE THE LABOUR BOARD IS SHUTTING ME DOWN! YOU LOCK YOUR WORKERS IN AT NIGHT. IT'S SO THEY CAN'T TELL THEIR STORIES! MR KRUSTY CAME TO MY VILLAGE. HE SAID HE WOULD MARRY ME. NO RING! JUST FILL APPLE PIES ALL DAY! OW! # I'VE GOT THE BRAINS, YOU'VE GOT THE LOOKS. # LET'S MAKE LOTS OF MONEY. # (CHEERING, WHISTLING) TODAY'S GUEST CREATED THE WOMEN'S-ONLY GYM THAT'S TAKING THE TRI-COUNTY AREA BY STORM: SINGSONGY: MARGE... SIMPSON! (APPLAUSE, CHEERING) MARGE, I THANK YOU FOR CREATING SHAPES, AND, UH, MY BOYFRIEND THANKS YOU TOO. AUDIENCE: OOH! WHEN IS STRAIGHTMAN GONNA POP THE QUESTION? UH, UH,... YOU'RE ALL GETTING GERMAN CUCKOO CLOCKS! (EXCITED SCREAMING) YOU'RE GETTING A CUCKOO CLOCK! AND YOU'RE GETTING A CUCKOO CLOCK! AND YOU'RE GETTING A CUCKOO CLOCK! AND YOU'RE GETTING A CUCKOO CLOCK! (SCREAMING) OH YEAH, MARGE, I LOVE THESE BUSINESS TRIPS OF YOURS. (GASPS) THE TV REMOTE ISN'T NAILED ON! MY WHOLE LIFE, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A HOTEL THAT TRUSTED ME. HORS D'OEUVRES, BIG FANCY DESSERTS,... AND MY WIFE IS PAYING FOR EVERYTHING. NOW I KNOW WHY PIMPS ARE SO HAPPY. YEP, NOTHING BEATS LIVING ON WIFE-SUPPORT. (CHUCKLES) I HEAR THAT. YO, GUYS, COME MEET A NEW HUSBAND! HEY, HOW YA DOIN'? I'M HOMER. MY WIFE INVENTED A GYM FOR 'REGULAR' WOMEN. OOH! MY WIFE INVENTED 'SKYPILLS.' SHE, UH, MIXED VITAMINS WITH ALKA-SELTZER AND PRETENDED IT WAS MEDICINE. I PAY $10 A TUBE FOR THOSE! THAT'S WHY I DRIVE A BENTLEY. YEAH, I HAVEN'T DECIDED WHAT KIND OF NEW CAR TO GET. WELL, YOU'D BETTER DECIDE SOON. COS I HAVE A FEELING YOUR WIFE WILL ALSO BE GETTING A 'NEW MODEL.' YEAH, SHE'LL BE 'TRADING UP.' AND THEY'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT CARS. (DERISIVE LAUGHTER) ARE YOU SURE THEY'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT CARS? BECAUSE THOSE ARE CAR WORDS. HOMER, WE'RE ALL SECOND HUSBANDS. AS SOON AS OUR WIVES HIT IT BIG, THEY DUMPED THE FAT OLD GUYS THEY WERE WITH AND MARRIED US. YES! YES! MARGE WON'T DUMP ME. I'M THE ANCHOR THAT KEEPS HER WEIGHED DOWN. MM-HM. HERE'S HOW IT STARTS: SHE GETS A TOTAL MAKEOVER, AND SHE STARTS WEARING FANCY NEW CLOTHES. THEN SHE STOPS WANTING TO TELL YOU ABOUT HER DAY. WHA...? HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW SHE'S REALLY ABOUT TO GO: YOUR WIFE SEEMS HAPPY AND FULL OF LIFE. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! MARGE! MARGE! (GASPS) A MAKEOVER! OH MY GOD. THE PROPHECY IS BEING FULFILLED. (GRUNTS) HMM. UM, SO, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY. OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY BORING OLD DAY. I DO! I DO! WELL, THE FIRST INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH OF THE DAY WAS BY THE WOMAN WHO CLIMBED MOUNT EVEREST AND GOT EVERYONE ELSE KILLED. HEY, THE NETWORKS HAVE DIFFERENT CHANNELS IN THIS CITY. THAT'S OK. I DON'T CARE THAT YOU DON'T CARE. GO WATCH YOUR THING. ARE YOU HAPPY AND FULL OF LIFE? I SURE AM! (CRYING) (PIANO PLAYING GENTLE MELODY, CROWD CHATTER) MARGE, NOW THAT YOU'RE RICH, YOU REALLY SHOULD GET RID OF THAT BAG. REALLY? BUT I'M SO USED TO MY OLD ONE. OLD ONE? THEY'RE CONVINCING MARGE TO DUMP ME! OH, IT'S EASY. I GET A NEW ONE EVERY TWO YEARS. FROM ITALY! YOU WOULD LOVE A BIG BLACK ONE. OH! MARGE, GET AWAY FROM THEM! WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU? I'M GOING TO THE SUCCESSFUL LADIES ROOM. (GRUMBLES) (WHIMPERING) YOU GUYS GOT TO HELP ME! IF MARGE LEAVES, I'LL HAVE NOTHING EXCEPT MY MANY FRIENDS AND HALF THE FORTUNE SHE IS NOW MAKING AND WILL CONTINUE TO MAKE. HOMER, I'M GOING TO LET YOU IN ON A SECRET. I AM A FIRST HUSBAND. I USED TO LOOK LIKE THIS. HUH? WHAT'S YOUR SECRET? OH, THERE'S NO SECRET. JUST HARD WORK,... UH-HUH. ...EXERCISE TWO HOURS A DAY,... OK. ...KEEP UP WITH THE LATEST FASHIONS,... FASHIONS. ...AND OF COURSE, CUT OUT ALL THE FATTY FOODS AND ALCOHOL. UH-HUH, UH-HUH. GOT IT. I KNOW JUST WHAT IT'LL TAKE TO HANG ON TO MARGE. 1 MR SIMPSON, LET ME OUTLINE THE GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY PROCEDURE FOR YOU, OK? WE PUT A BAND AROUND YOUR STOMACH SO THAT NO SOLID FOOD MAY ENTER. YOU SEE? JUST LIKE SO. IT'S A VERY, VERY SERIOUS OPERATION. YOU SHOULD ONLY UNDERGO IT AS A LAST RESORT. PLEASE, DOC. I KNOW I'M NOT THE GREATEST-LOOKING GUY IN THE WORLD, BUT I TOOK CARE OF MY FAMILY, AND THAT USED TO BE ENOUGH. BUT NOT ANY MORE. VERY WELL. IF YOU WISH, WE CAN PERFORM THE PROCEDURE IN THE OFFICE TODAY. AND I KNOW HOW I CAN KNOCK MYSELF OUT. I'LL LOOK AT YOUR BILL. HMM. I GUESS, CONSIDERING ALL THE TRAINING YOU'VE RECEIVED, THIS IS QUITE REASONABLE. I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO REASONABLE! IT'S THE BARGAIN OF A LIFETIME! AND... (THUDDING) (BIRDS SINGING) DAD, ARE YOU OK? I SEE FOOD ON YOUR PLATE INSTEAD OF BLURRING MOTIONS. KIDS, YOUR DADDY UNDERWENT A SPECIAL PROCEDURE SO HE CAN BE MORE ATTRACTIVE TO YOUR MOTHER. YOU HAD YOUR HOT DOG PLUMPED? NO, I HAD MY STOMACH STAPLED! (WHIRRING) (LOUDER WHIRRING) (VERY LOUD WHIRRING) (EXTREMELY LOUD WHIRRING) OH. ALL FOOD TASTES LIKE BARF NOW. (CRICKETS CHIRPING) HOMIE, I'M BACK! (GASPS) (ROMANTIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS) WELCOME HOME, MARGE. YOU REMEMBERED I LIKE ROMANCE! A SMART SUCCESSFUL WOMAN LIKE YOU DESERVES THE VERY BEST. YOU ALSO REMEMBERED I LIKE FLATTERY! DO YOU LIKE GUYS WHO ARE... ATTRACTIVE? HOMIE, YOU LOOK GOOD! ALL FOR YOU, BABY. LET ME GET A GOOD LOOK AT YOU. UH, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. SLOW DOWN, SEXY BEAST. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE SOME TIME TO SAVOUR THE FRONT? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM ME? IS IT CHOCOLATE? UH, IT USED TO BE. WHOA! WHOA! THOSE BUNS ARE POPPIN' FRESH! YEAH, I'M GONNA TURN OFF THE LIGHTS NOW. (HOMER MOANS) MARGE: AND I'LL JUST FOLD THIS OLD SWEATY BLANKET AND PUT IT IN THE CLOSET. (STRETCHING SKIN SQUEAKING) HOMER: OH! (DOOR CLOSING) OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! DR, I'M EMBARRASSED TO SHOW MY BODY TO MY WIFE, AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR SURGERY! YOU WANT ME TO UNSTAPLE YOUR STOMACH? NO, I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME EVERY OTHER SURGERY YOU HAVE SO I CAN LOOK GOOD! AND CAN YOU CALL IT AN AORTIC VALVE REPLACEMENT SO MY INSURANCE WILL COVER IT? NO PROBLEM. OK. COUNT BACKWARDS FROM 10. FINE, I ADMIT IT. I'M DRUNK! AND SO, TO HONOUR HER SUCCESS, I BESTOW UPON MARGE SIMPSON THIS $100 GIFT CARD TO SWEATPANTS ETC. HMM. DID SOMEONE ORDER A SUPER STUD? OOH. MY IMPLANTS FEEL ITCHY. YES, I WAS OUT OF SILICONE RUBBER, SO I USED ROLLED-UP SOCKS. (ALL GASPING) HE'S A MONSTER! PITCHFORKS, EVERYONE. CROWD: MONSTER! MONSTER! MONSTER! MONSTER! (SCREAMS) (CROWD SHOUTING ANGRILY) CUT HIS HEART OUT! (CROWD CLAMOURING) CROWD: DIFFERENT FROM US! DIFFERENT FROM US! DIFFERENT... LISTEN, HOMER, I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU. YOU'D BETTER NOT MAKE ME CRY, COS I DON'T KNOW WHERE MY TEAR DUCTS ARE ANY MORE. I APPRECIATE YOU TRYING TO BECOME MORE ATTRACTIVE FOR ME, BUT THE TRUTH IS, I'M WAY TOO SUCCESSFUL FOR YOU NOW. I'M GETTING ME A TROPHY HUSBAND! (SOBBING) (GROANING) HUH?! WHAT?! HEY! (GASPS) WHY DO I LOOK LIKE ME AGAIN? THE DOCTOR CALLED ME ABOUT ALL THE CRAZY SURGERIES YOU WANTED, AND I SAID NO. BUT I DID HAVE HIM UNSTAPLE YOUR STOMACH AND TURN YOU BACK INTO THE SWEET MAN I LOVE. THEN IT WAS ALL A DREAM? I NEVER BECAME A HIDEOUS MONSTER? THE ONLY PERSON WHO THINKS YOU'RE A MONSTER IS THE ONE WHO HAD TO GIVE YOU A SPONGE BATH. (KISSING SOUNDS) AND DAD, I HOPE YOU LEARNED SOMETHING FROM THIS. I SURE HAVE. PLASTIC SURGERY IS A MISTAKE, BECAUSE IT HASN'T BEEN PERFECTED TO WHERE YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD. WHEN IT IS, EVERYONE SHOULD GET IT. AMEN. MM. LISTEN, MARGE, I'VE BEEN WONDERING ALL THESE YEARS, WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT YOU FIND SO IRRESISTIBLE? LET'S FACE IT ` YOU COULD DO BETTER. WELL, MAYBE I COULD. BUT EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU, I SEE THE SAME ADORABLE BOY I FELL IN LOVE WITH. AW. WELL, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A HAPPY ENDING. HOLY HEAVENS! IS THAT A METEOR HEADING FOR THE EARTH? MAYBE. BUT TONIGHT THERE'S A BENEFIT FOR UNDERPAID COMIC BOOK ARTISTS OF THE '40S AND '50S. TO THE CASH BAR! (WHOOSHING) (RUMBLING) (JACK BLACK SINGING 'WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?' IN KOREAN) Able 2015 (MUSIC CONTINUES) JACK BLACK: MIGHT BE SOME WRONG WORDS IN THERE, BUT, UH, PRETTY MUCH NAILED IT.