. GROOVY LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS' 'DR EVIL' PLAYS # Evil ` # Evil is his one and only name. # Evil ` # in his mind, there is no other game. # MAN ON RADIO: Houston, this is Condor. We are doing an EVA of the payload. We are about to present the module with... What the...? Oh my gentle Jesus. Houston,... ah, we have a problem. COMPUTERISED VOICE: Launch procedure commence. COMPUTERISED VOICE: Launch procedure commence. MUFFLED MANIACAL LAUGHTER WHOOSH! WOMAN GASPS AND MOANS WOMAN: Oh... Oh yes! Yes! Oh God! Oh. And I'm spent. (SIGHS) Whoo. Do you smoke after sex? Do you smoke after sex? I don't know, baby. I never looked. Do you smoke after sex? I don't know, baby. I never looked. BOTH LAUGH HEARTILY Whoo! Oh, Austin. Oh, Austin. (PURRS) What shall we do now? What shall we do now? Well, I've got an idea. Why don't we shag? Again? Again? Sure, baby. We're only up to Chapter 11 in the Kama Sutra. Don't you want to try the wheelbarrow or the praying donkey or the Chinese shag swing? I'll get more champagne, Jungle Boy. TAPE REWINDS TAPE REWINDS I'll get more champagne, Jungle Boy. Are you OK? > I've never felt better, Austin. I've never felt better, Austin. SMASH! All right, then (!) I'm just going to go watch a movie. Hey, In Like Flint! That's my favourite movie. TAPE BURBLES VANESSA BURBLES Vanessa, what's going on? I don't know what you mean, Austin. I'm the same Vane` I don't know what you mean, Austin. I'm the same Vane` SILENCE MAN'S VOICE: ...tu imaginacion esta jugando con ti, querido. MAN'S VOICE: ...tu imaginacion esta jugando con ti, querido. Oh my God! (CHOKES) MUFFLED: Vanessa, you're a fembot! No shit, Sherlock. Machine-gun jubblies ` how did I miss those, baby? Perhaps next time you should try foreplay. Perhaps next time you should try foreplay. Right. Oh my God! GUNFIRE GLASS SHATTERS GUNFIRE CONTINUES GUNFIRE CEASES DR EVIL: Here's your wedding present, Mr Powers ` a kamikaze bride, from me, Dr Evil. BOOM! Oh, thank God. SAD PIANO MUSIC PLAYS I can't believe Vanessa ` my bride,... my one true love,... the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy ` was a fembot all along. Wait a tick. That means I'm single again! Oh, behave! (CHUCKLES) Yeah! Yeah, baby, yeah! Halt! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GASPS) (GROWLS) QUINCY JONES' 'SOUL BOSSA NOVA' PLAYS < WOMAN: Disgusting. < WOMAN: Disgusting. MAN LAUGHS (LAUGHS) Whoo! Yeah, baby, yeah! (LAUGHS) Hey! (GIGGLES) Ooh! < WOMAN: Look! Hey, how are you? Hey! (CHORTLES) How revolting. What's that? What's that? Oh, yes! Yeah. Good on you, man! Hey, what's going on? Good to see you guys. Ooh, ah! Yeah! Rabbis, how are you? Nice meat, yes. Nice meat. Ooh. Photo op! ALL: Lechayim! BABY GIGGLES AND COOS BABY SQUEALS GENTLY SPLASH! GURGLES: Yeah, baby! SQUEAKING Captions by David Treacher. Edited by Glen Moffatt. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 MUSIC RISES TO CRESCENDO ALL CHEER MILITARY MUSIC PLAYS MAN SPEAKS SLAVIC LANGUAGE FAINTLY ON RADIO Keep a close eye on that Kreplachistan situation. Keep a close eye on that Kreplachistan situation. Sir. AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! JERRY SPRINGER: Thank you. If you've just joined us, today's topic is, 'My father is evil and wants to take over the world.' AUDIENCE BOOS AUDIENCE BOOS OK. Let's meet Scott Evil. AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHOOPS Hi, Scott. Nice to have you with us. Hi, Scott. Nice to have you with us. Thanks, Jerry. Tell us about your father. Tell us about your father. Um, well,... my dad is the head of a worldwide evil organisation... with aspirations of world domination. with aspirations of world domination. AUDIENCE BOOS Wow. Serious stuff. Where is he now? Um, he's, like, cryogenically frozen, orbiting the Earth, or something. That's what YOU think, but we have a surprise for you. OK. Let's bring out Scott's father, Dr Evil. AUDIENCE BOOS What? What? Are you...? AUDIENCE BOOS General, we've got a situation here. What is it, Sergeant? What is it, Sergeant? Hello, Scott. Daddy's back. How could you do this to me ` on national television? Throw me a frickin' bone here, Scott. Why'd you run out on me? Because you're not quite evil enough. Because you're not quite evil enough. AUDIENCE: Aw. Well, it's true. You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie ` not even enough. What are you, some kind of freak? What are you, some kind of freak? Hey, shut up! What are you, some kind of freak? Hey, shut up! OK, OK. I'll kick your <BLEEP!> I'll kick your <BLEEP!> Bring it on, skanky <BLEEP!> No one talks to my son like that. It's OK. You mother... <BLEEP!> No one talks to my son like that. It's OK. You mother... <BLEEP!> AUDIENCE BOOS INCESSANT BLEEPING You were born in your mother's <BLEEP!> AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! All right. You were born in your mother's <BLEEP! BLEEP!> I'll kill you both! I got your hood! I got your hood! I got your hood! I got your hood! Wait, wait. Settle down. OK. It's OK. OK, come on. It's only a television show. Calm down. OK, come on. It's only a television show. Calm down. OK, I'm all right. I'm easy. OK. Get this jerk outta here. Get this jerk outta here. I'll give you BLEEP! you piece of BLEEP! He's biting me, he's biting me! The BLEEP is biting me! Give me that! The world is mine! The world is mine, you BLEEP! GROOVY '60S MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC STOPS REM'S 'DRAGGIN' THE LINE' PLAYS ELECTRONIC TONES SOUND COMPUTER: You've got mail. COMPUTER: You've got mail. < Hello, Basil. Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon? Well, it turns out that Vanessa was a fembot. Yes, we knew all along, sadly. Anyway, I have a new assignment for you. You're scheduled for a photo shoot... and one of the models works for Dr Evil. and one of the models works for Dr Evil. Groovy, baby! Shaguar! (CHUCKLES) Shaguar! (CHUCKLES) TYRES SQUEAL TYRES SQUEAL UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Show me to the models, baby. Let the magic begin. < Who have we got today? OK, great. Austin, I'm Rebecca Romijn. I don't believe I've had the pleasure. Well, of course you haven't had... THE PLEASURE, Rebecca. We just met, baby, yeah. (LAUGHS) Who are you, baby? Ivana. Ivana Humpalot. Excuse me? Ivana Humpalot. And I vanna toilet made out of solid gold, but it's just not in the cards, now, is it? (CHUCKLES) OK, everyone. Let's get started. Yes, beautiful. Feeling it. Let's get some smiles. It's all in here. That's it, yes. Let the inside out. OK, you're an animal. Yes, there we go. You're a tiger. You're Tony the tiger. You're grrrreat! Very good. Loving it. Now you're a lemur. Running as a pack. Yes, yes, we go left. We go right. Yes, yes. There's a predator in the jungle. What's going on? Burrow! You're a lemur, it's all you've got. You don't have sharp teeth for biting. Make an interconnected series of tunnels, like the Vietcong. And I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy. And I'm spent. Right. That's a wrap, everyone. Miss Humpalot. Da, darling? Shall we? Shall we? Give me a moment, mm? (CHORTLES) Yes. DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS Dr Evil, several years ago we invested in a small Seattle-based coffee company. Today, Starbucks offers premium quality coffee at affordable prices. Delish. Dr Evil, if we shift our resources away from evil empires and towards Starbucks,... we can increase our profits fivefold. Number Two, I make the decisions here, OK? I demand a little respect. Dr Evil, you have a bit of the` SILENCE! I will not tolerate your insolence. Frau Farbissina, wie gehts is einen? Zehr gut, Herr Doctor. How are things? I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name. To my right is my lover. We met at the LPGA tour. Her name is Unibrau. Right on. Right on. VELCRO RIPS Welcome, Unibrau. > Ahem. Ah, Dr Evil,... What? What? ...you have a little milk-nose moustache. I knew. I knew, I knew. Meant to. It's how we drink it in Belgium. It's called a Belgian dip. It's called a Belgian dip. Dr Evil, while you were frozen,... we began a programme to clone you. Cool. Cool. Send in the CLONE! He is exactly like you in every way,... DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS < ...except one eighth your size. Breathtaking. I shall call him... Mini-Me. Your stock is rising, Number Two. Come, Mr Bigglesworth. Mini-Me, are you hungry? Something to eat? Not even a hot pocket? An Eggo? CAT MIAOWS CAT MIAOWS No, we don't gnaw on our kitty. No, leave Mini Mr Bigglesworth alone. Just love him and stroke him. As you know, every diabolical scheme that I have hatched has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and gentlemen? Cos you never kill him when you get the chance to and you're a big dope. Cos you never kill him when you get the chance to and you're a big dope. No, no, no. Down. Down, Mini-Me. No. Austin Powers always defeats me because he has mojo. Mojo? Mojo. The libido, the life force, the essence, the right stuff, what the French call a certain... I don't know what. Ladies and gentlemen, I've developed a device for travelling through time, which I call a time machine. Using this time machine, I'm going to go back to the '60s and steal Austin Powers' mojo. If you have a time machine, why not just go back and kill Austin Powers when he's sitting on the crapper? How about... no, Scott, OK? Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could make trillions. Why make trillions when we could make... billions? A trillion is more than a billion, numb nuts. A trillion is more than a billion, numb nuts. All right, zip it. You know, you can't even` You know, you can't even` < Zip it. Zip. Look, all I'm` Look, all I'm` Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A. Number Two, would you please back me up? Number Two, would you please back me up? Look, I'm Zippy Longstockings. (SIGHS) I can't` (SIGHS) I can't` # When a problem comes along, you must zip it. # (MAKES LASHING NOISE) Frau, would you please`? Frau, would you please`? (SPEAKS CHINESE) Subtitle ` 'Zip it.' I'm just trying to` I'm just trying to` Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my zipple? I want` I want` < Zip. Stop` Stop` Zip! Zip it! Zip it, zip it, zip it, zip it! You're like a child` > You're like a child` > Zip it, zip it! Talk` > Talk` > Zip! If you` > If you` > Zip! Just one time` > Just one time` > Zip it. Unveil the time portal. DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I will travel to 1969 ` two years after he was frozen. He'll be helpless. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to travel through time. I bid you adieu. BANG! I'm OK, I'm OK. Not turned on, I suppose. Yeah. Do you think you could...? Yeah, thanks. Come, Mini-Me. Don't be scared, Mini-Me. ZOOM! ZOOM! Ah. Dr Evil,... welcome to 1969. Thank you, Number Two. You look so healthy and youthful. Well, thank you. Herr Doctor. > And, Frau, you look so... Right. You know, Dr Evil, I received your memo from the future. Your new lair is up and running. Is it a hollowed-out volcano like I asked for? Of course. < Good. Then it's all going perfectly to plan. (CHORTLES EVILLY) ALL CHORTLE EVILLY DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS CHORTLING ECHOES THE WHO'S 'MY GENERATION' PLAYS Yeah, baby, yeah! When did you get the clapper? When did you get the clapper? November 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave. Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? Do you know how we keep warm in Russia? (CHORTLES HEARTILY) I can guess, baby. WHISPERS: We play chess. WHISPERS: We play chess. I guessed wrong. It takes a keen intellect to play chess, Mr Powers. I assume you know how to play. (LAUGHS) Of course, baby. (GASPS) Uh-huh. (LAUGHS) Uh-huh. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) SULTRY SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS (SIGHS) What to do, what to do? (GRUNTS) (GAGS) (CHOKES) SMASH! Let me ask you a question,... and be honest. Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I make you randy? Yeah. No more games. Dr Evil sent me here to kill you, but... I find you so... < sexy and... Just make love to me. < Now, Austin Powervic! Hurry! (GASPS) Oh, you are hairy like animal! Grr, baby, very grr! Make love to me, monkey man! Make love to me, monkey man! (LAUGHS) Dr Evil, I don't understand how we can hope to steal Austin Powers' mojo. We've tried this before. The security around Powers is foolproof. Ah, but this time we have an operative inside the Ministry of Defence. Really? Yes, really. He's stealing Austin Powers' mojo even as we speak. He's stealing Austin Powers' mojo even as we speak. Really? Really. 'He's a disgruntled Scottish guard, known for his lethal temper and unusual eating habits. 'He weighs a metric ton. His name ` Fat Bastard.' BAGPIPE SKIRLS We've had reports there's a spy in the Ministry of Defence. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. The contents of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert. Yes, sir! And, ah, try to lose some weight, for God's sake. And, ah, try to lose some weight, for God's sake. Yes, sir! Mr English Colonel telling me to lose weight. Oh, I'm a hard case, he says. Well, listen up, Sonny Jim! I ate a baby! Oh, aye! Baby, the other OTHER white meat! Baby, it's what's for dinner! BAGPIPE SKIRLS (LAUGHS) DRILL WHIRRS (LAUGHS EVILLY) Oh, I've got your mojo now, Sonny Jim. What's wrong? Crikey! I've lost my mojo! Austin, the test results confirm that you've lost your mojo... and it couldn't come at a worse time. We have evidence that Dr Evil has developed a time machine... and has travelled back to the year 1969. Luckily, we, too, have developed a time-travel device to transport you back to the '60s. This is where you input your destination. > Basil, if I travel back to 1969, and I was frozen in 1967, presumably I could go visit my frozen self. But if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and travelled... Oh no, I've gone cross-eyed. I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing. Just enjoy yourself. That goes for you all, too. Yes. Well, this is smashing, Basil. I'll go back to the '60s, recharge my mojo, defeat Dr Evil... and be back in time for tea. Swinging '60s, here I come, baby, yeah! Move, move, move! ENGINE REVS TYRES SQUEAL SMASH! SMASH! No! Sorry. I bet that's expensive. Whoa! Stop, stop! Sorry! Here we go, here we go. Yeah, baby, yeah! Godspeed, Austin Powers. STEPPENWOLF'S 'MAGIC CARPET RIDE' PLAYS REVELLERS SCREAM I'm home! Ew. < WOMAN: It's Austin Powers! < WOMAN: It's Austin Powers! Austin Powers? < WOMAN: It's Austin Powers! Austin Powers? Yes. I'm back in the '60s, baby, yeah! 'MAGIC CARPET RIDE' CONTINUES 'MAGIC CARPET RIDE' CONTINUES Yeah, all right. Yeah! Hey, hey, hey. Get your hands off my Heinie, baby. # Close your eyes, girl. # Look inside, girl. # Let the sound take you away. # WOMEN SQUEAL Who are you today, baby? Who are you today, baby? (LAUGHS) My name is Robin Swallows. Swallows. That's an interesting name. Maiden name, Spitz. Well, which is it, baby? Spitz or Swallows? (LAUGHS) THE GUESS WHO'S 'AMERICAN WOMAN' PLAYS Ooh! Ooh! (GASPS) (GROWLS) # American woman,... # stay away from me. # American woman,... # mama, let me be. (BARKS) # Don't come a-hangin' around my door, I don't wanna see your face no more. # I've got more important things to do than spend my time growin' old with you. Those are skintight. How do you get into those pants, baby? You could start by buying me a drink. You could start by buying me a drink. (WHEEZES) Hm. (LAUGHS) I want, I want! # ...get away from me. # American woman,... WHIMPERS: I want. # Don't come a-knockin' around my door, don't wanna see your shadow no more. # Coloured lights can hypnotise... # You better play it cool. Your friend works for Dr Evil. You better play it cool. Your friend works for Dr Evil. And just who do you work for, baby? Tell me, Mr Powers,... do you swing? Are you kidding, baby? I put the grr in swinger, baby! (CHUCKLES) Then why don't you... come right... over... here? OK. (LAUGHS) I can do that. That's easy. Cheeky. Argh! REVELLERS SCREAM AND SQUEAL REVELLERS SCREAM AND SQUEAL Prepare to die, Powers! Use the machine gun! Oh! Oh! GUNFIRE Argh! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Say goodbye, Powers. (GRUNTS) Use the bazooka! No! No! BANG! No! Argh! SMASH! BOTH SCREAM The fall will kill us both, Powers! You can't win, Powers. Why won't you die? GUNFIRE 'AMERICAN WOMAN' PLAYS TYRES SQUEAL, HORN TOOTS Care for a ride? Ooh! Oh! Go, go, go! Go! Austin Powers, I presume. Austin Powers, I presume. Powers by name, Powers by reputation. (CHUCKLES) Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, shag very well by reputation. Shagwell by name, shag very well by reputation. Oh, behave! (CHORTLES) Not if I can help it. Not if I can help it. BOTH LAUGH HEARTILY Yes. Ooh. # American woman,... # listen what I say. # You know what's remarkable, is how much England looks in no way like southern California. RACY JAMES BOND-TYPE MUSIC PLAYS TYRES SQUEAL BANG! BANG! BANG! Crikey! We've got company. It looks like one of Dr Evil's assassins. BANG! BANG! Argh! (SCREAMS) SMASH! Steady, now. Steady. Hands up! Do you remember me, Austin Powers? I don't recall your name, but your fez is familiar. (CHUCKLES) My name is Mustafa and I'm the man who will be killing you now. (SCREAMS) (MAKES KUNG FU FIGHTING NOISES) Who sent you? You'll have to kill me! You'll have to kill me! WHO sent you? Kiss my ass, Powers. WHO SENT YOU?! Dr Evil. That was easy. That was easy. That WAS easy. Why did you tell us? I hate being asked the same question three times. It just irritates me. I hate being asked the same question three times. It just irritates me. Where is Dr Evil hiding? Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries. Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries. Where is Dr Evil hiding? You'll have to torture me first. You'll have to torture me first. WHERE'S DR EVIL HIDING?! You'll have to torture me first. WHERE'S DR EVIL HIDING?! Damn, three times. (PANTS) He is hiding in the secret volcano lair. Where's Dr Evil's secret volcano lair? (SPITS) I spit at the question. Do I really have to ask you two more times? Do I really have to ask you two more times? Go to hell, Powers. Fine. Where is Dr Evil's secret volcano lair? I will take it to the grave with me. I will take it to the grave with me. Aha! You have to answer, he asked you three times. No, no, no. The second question was, 'Do I have to ask you two more times?' That would be the first question in a new set of questions and wouldn't count in the other set. He's right. I'm just trying to get information from you. I don't need any consistency in the questions. No, no. You are preaching to the converted. I` Argh! If I'm preaching to the converted, why are you being so slavish in the three-question form is my question. Now you're just being rude. You're not listening, man. Now you're just being rude. You're not listening, man. (SCREAMS) CRUNCH! CRUNCH! Ooh, crikey. Well, Austin, I think this time you may have finally met your match. Well, Austin, I think this time you may have finally met your match. Oh, no, baby. I've beaten Dr Evil before and I'll beat him again. I've beaten Dr Evil before and I'll beat him again. I was talking about me. (LAUGHS) Yeah! > Hello up there. I seem to have fallen down a cliff. I'm still alive and I'm very badly injured. > I think my legs might be broken, but I'll try to stand up. > CRACK! CRACK! Argh! Yes, they are broken. Perhaps you could toss me a Band-Aid... > or some antibacterial cream. I'm in an extraordinarily large amount of pain. > The bone has gone through the skin. I feel it might be gangrenous. The wound smells like almonds,... > which is not good. Please. > No one? > Sorry. I'll try the other leg. > I'll try the other leg. > SNAP! I'll try the other leg. > SNAP! THUD! Two of my assassins are dead. I will not tolerate failure. I'm the man who will maintain the dignity... of this evil organisation. of this evil organisation. BANG! of this evil organisation. BANG! What the hell was that? Volcanic eruption. FOOTSTEPS POUND May I present to you my spy in the Ministry of Defence? Fat Bastard. First things first ` where's your shitter? I've got a turtle head poking out. Charming (!) I'm not kidding. I've got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey. Oh, it's squidgy. Oh. Christ, I'm getting all emotional from it, you know? Right. Fat Bastard, could I have my mojo, please? Where's my money? < All right, give him his money. CLATTERING Jesus Christ, he's tiny. I've had bigger chunks of corn in my crap! Wait a minute. He kinda looks like a baby. Come 'ere, I'm gonna eat ya! I'm bigger than you, I'm higher in the food chain. Get in my belly. Come on. You're a lucky wee man. Could I have a hug? Dr Evil, let me make you a deal, all right? You get the mojo, you keep your money, and I'll get your baby. Right. # I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back ribs. # I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back ribs. # I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back ribs. Excuse me. # Chilli... # baby back ribs. # Dr Evil, what are we going to do about Powers? Austin Powers is no longer a threat to me. I have his mojo. (CHORTLES EVILLY) MARVIN GAYE'S 'LET'S GET IT ON' PLAYS # I've been really tryin',... # baby. # Tryin' to hold back this feelin' for so long. # And if you feel like I feel, baby,... # then come on. # Oh, come on. All right, everyone, you're dismissed. Private time. # Let's get it on. # Let's love, baby. # Let's get it on, sugar. SCRAPING # Let's get it on. # Whoo-hoo. # We're all sensitive people... # with so much to give. # Understand me, sugar. Dr Evil, I don't want this to interfere with our work. Don't worry, mama. Things won't get weird. # There's... # nothing wrong with me lovin' you. # One for me,... and one for my homies. (WHISPERS) Herr Doctor... (SPEAKS GERMAN) BOOM! . Ooh. Hello. So, what happened here? An agent named Fat Bastard infiltrated the unit guarding your cryogenic chamber. He used some sort of nerve gas. These men don't remember a thing. Captain, cross-check Fat Bastard's profile with the mainframe. Captain, cross-check Fat Bastard's profile with the mainframe. Yes, ma'am. Can I borrow that, please? Thank you. Yes, Austin, yes, yes. Look at me. I'm a sexy bitch, baby, yeah. You're a Popsicle. Yes, yes. No! No! And I'm spent. < Let's go, baby. Yeah! # I thought love was only true in fairy tales; # meant for someone else, but not for me. # Oh, love was out to get me,... # that's the way it seemed. Come on, Felicity. Come on. # Then I saw her face. # Now I'm a believer. # Not a trace... # of doubt in my mind. # I'm in love. # I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried. # Yes, I saw her face. # Now I'm a believer. # (LAUGHS) Yeah, babe! Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! (LAUGHS) Yeah, babe! Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! (LAUGHS) Shall we sit down? Shall we sit down? Yeah. Shall we sit down? Yeah. Yeah. This is great. This is great. Groovy. Ah. So, Austin, what's the future like? Everyone has a flying car, entire meals come in pill form, and the Earth is ruled by damned dirty apes! Oh my God. Had you for a second. Had you for a second. (LAUGHS) You can have me for even longer, if you want. You can have me for even longer, if you want. You're one groovy baby,... baby. baby. BOTH LAUGH Too many babies. Don't you dare move. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Burt Bacharach and Mr Elvis Costello. GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS # What do you get when you fall in love? # A guy with a pin to burst your bubble. Would you care to dance? Would you care to dance? I'd love to. < # ...for all your trouble. < # I'll... < # never fall in love again. # I'll never fall in love again. < # Don't tell me what it's all about,... < # cos I've been there and I'm glad I'm out ` < # out of those chains, those chains that bind you,... < # that is why I'm here to remind you. # What do you get when you fall in love? # You only get lies and pain and sorrow. < # So, for at least until tomorrow,... < # I'll... # never fall in love again. < # I'll... < # never fall in love... < # again. # You're quite good on your feet. You're quite good on your feet. I'm even better OFF my feet. Ah. ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Oh, behave, baby. (SIGHS) Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi there. How are things? How are things? Good, Doctor. And you? Great. Great. Just taking a break. Try the hot pockets, they're breathtaking. It got weird, didn't it? It got weird, didn't it? Ja. It got weird, didn't it? Ja. I knew it. You haven't called. Look, we talked about this. We promised each other it wouldn't get weird. I can't let my feelings for you interfere with taking over the world. You know that. You know, I will never love another man. Yes, that's true. Yeah. Dr Evil, I'm late. No, you got here right on time. No, you got here right on time. No. I mean,... I'M LATE. Dad. > Scott. Hey there, sport. What are you doing here? I was just thinking that maybe we could work all this out. After all, you are my father. Scott, you had your chance. OK? I already had someone created in my image. He's evil, he wants to take over the world and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins. Him? Look at him, he's crazy. He's like a vicious little chihuahua thing. He'll kill me the first chance he gets. He'll kill me the first chance he gets. Probably. I love you. I love you. JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS I am a sexy bitch, yes. (CHUCKLES) Felicity, make yourself at home, baby. < What do you think of my shag pad, darling? < What do you think of my shag pad, darling? It's amazing, Austin. Oh. (CHORTLES) Wait a tick. BEEP! That's how my mojo was stolen ` Fat Bastard! Uh-oh. Oh, she's a professional agent. She's not interested in shagging. Please, God. Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch. Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch. < Austin, I'm waiting. BEEP! (WHEEZES) How about one of your world-famous massages? Y-Y-You mean a... sensual massage? Right, then. OK, ah... Here we go. Yes. (CHUCKLES) Oh, wait a minute. Something's itching me. That's better. Crikey. SPURT! AUSTIN PANTS (MOANS) How does that feel, baby? How does that feel, baby? Mmm. Lower. DEEP VOICE: How does that feel, baby? What? You don't have to be cute with me. We're way past that. You don't have to be cute with me. We're way past that. W-We are? What do you think? Listen, Felicity,... I'm sorry. I can't do this. (SIGHS) Is it me? I can't explain. ELECTRONIC TONES SOUND Hello, Agent Shagwell. Where's Austin? I must have said something wrong. He just left all of a sudden. Listen, Felicity, I don't want you getting too close to Austin. It's not meant to be. I don't get too close to anybody, Basil. I'm a professional. Good, then you won't mind tracking down Fat Bastard tonight. Good, then you won't mind tracking down Fat Bastard tonight. No problem. We need you to plant this homing device on him by any means necessary. No problem. Keep up the good work. Remember, by any means necessary. # If I'm smart then I'll run away. # But I'm not, so I guess I'll stay. Haven't you heard? # I fell in love with a beautiful stranger. # (SIGHS) Look at yourself. You used to be so virile. You were a swinger, man. And now you're nothing. But at least it can't get any worse. Well, surprise, surprise, huh? Look at that, now. (LAUGHS) I'm dead sexy. Look at my sexy body. Oh yeah. Oh, look, I'm like a singer. # Sexy man, sexy man. # Eating lard, the sexy man can. # By the way, would you like some chicken? I've got more. By the way, would you like some chicken? I've got more. No, thanks. > Enough of that. All right. DEVICE BEEPS BASIL: 'Remember, by ANY means necessary.' Ooh! Frisky, are we? (SHRIEKS) . Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to begin phase two of our evil project. Or is it phase...? I don't know phases. Anyways, this is the phase in which we put a giant laser on the moon. As you know, the moon rotates around the Earth, like so. When the moon reaches its appropriate lunar alignment, it will destroy Washington DC. You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a Death Star. (SNIGGERS) What? What? Ah, nothing, Darth (!) What did you call me? What did you call me? No, nothing. Rip-off! Bless you. Anyways, the key to this plan is the giant laser. It was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist Dr Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it the Alan Parsons Project. Oh my God. (LAUGHS) What now? The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just call it Operation Wang Chung, ass? What should we...? Nothin'. I'm sure Operation Bananarama will be huge. Nothin'. I'm sure Operation Bananarama will be huge. Wh-What are you saying? If you` If you` Shh. ...trying to be hip, you` ...trying to be hip, you` www.shh.com.org. You're so` You're so` Shh. > Dr Evil, if we could put aside the family squabbling, I think we could get down to some serious business. Really? Really? Yeah. I don't like that insolent tone. I don't like that insolent tone. I-I meant nothing by it. > No, you want to run things here? No, you want to run things here? No, not at all. Huh? You want to be Daddy? Is that it, Number Two? You wanna wear the daddy pants? Are you gonna cry? You wanna wear the daddy pants? Are you gonna cry? Oh! Huh? You gonna cry? You gonna cry? Huh? You gonna cry? You gonna cry? Oh! Wait... Are you gonna squirt some? Are you gonna cry? Are you gonna squirt some? Are you gonna cry? Oh! (SOBS) Yeah, see, you were gonna cry. You're a big man now, huh? Yeah. Thought so. (EXHALES) HORNS TOOT Felicity. Austin. About what happened last night... That's OK. You don't have to explain. That's OK. You don't have to explain. No, no, no, no, no. You don't understand. You see,... I've lost my mojo. Oh. So that's why you...? So that's why you...? Yes, yes. (LAUGHS) I thought you didn't like me. I thought you didn't like me. Oh no, baby. You're very shagadelic. I didn't want to fall in love again and I thought you'd never love me without my mojo. It's not you. You're fab, you're switched on, you're a bit of all right. Yes. (CHUCKLES) That is so great. There's something I should tell you, too. I've planted a homing device on Fat Bastard. Smashing. Then we can track him down, get my mojo, go back to my place,... hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Yes. (CHUCKLES) But there's more. In order to get close to Fat Bastard, I had to` But there's more. In order to get close to Fat Bastard, I had to` Ooh! The signal's coming through. He's at Paddington Station. Let's go! We're close, baby. We're close, baby. This way. This way, straight. No, no. Left. Through here. BAGPIPE PLAYS FAINTLY We've got him. Private, bring up the ram. Go, go, go! Where is he? Where is he? DEVICE BEEPS, FLY BUZZES Oh my God! Fat Bastard left a floater! In the name of all things sacred, that is the most foul-smelling thing ever. Somebody flush it down. No, no. Nobody touch anything. We have to get the sample to the lab to be analysed. (GAGS) Austin, there you are. Has the sample been analysed? Cor, baby, you look VERY shagadelic. Yeah. (LAUGHS) But do we REALLY have to be here, Felicity? I mean, it's so boring. I don't believe in science. When it comes to the spy game, to me, it's all instinct. (LAUGHS) Hello, everybody. Hello, everybody. Hello, Basil. Hello, everybody. Hello, Basil. The results are in. We discovered trace elements of a rare vegetable found only on one island, here in the Caribbean. Whoop-de-do (!) What does it all mean, Basil? It means that THIS is the location of Dr Evil's lair. Smashing, Basil (!) Cor, this coffee smells like shit. It IS shit, Austin. Oh good. Then it's not just me. ALL GROAN It's a bit nutty. ALL GROAN (GROWLS) Excuse me, Dr Evil. I have to speak to you about this Mini-Me. Excuse me, Dr Evil. I have to speak to you about this Mini-Me. He's not fitting in? Is he giving off too much of a creepy Oompa Loompa vibe? Is he giving off too much of a creepy Oompa Loompa vibe? No, it's just that he bites. He's a biter. What's wrong, Mini-Me? Something you wanna tell us? Teething, yeah. Get me the President of the United States of America. < He's on, he's on. What do you want, Dr Evil? Mr President, in 12 hours I will destroy Washington DC with this giant laser. < What the...? < What the...? Jesus. Mini-Me, stop humping the laser. OK. Honest to God. Why don't you and the giant laser get a frickin' room, for God's sakes. Mr President, after I destroy Washington DC, I will destroy another major city... every hour on the hour. That is, unless, of course, you pay me... one hundred billion dollars. ALL LAUGH INCREDULOUSLY Dr Evil, this is 1969. That amount of money doesn't even exist. That's like saying, 'I want a kajillion bajillion dollars.' Come on, Mr President. Show me the money. Show you WHAT money? Show you WHAT money? 'Show me the money. Show me the money.' 'You had me at hello.' Tear. Nothing? Psst. It's 1969. Jerry Maguire won't even come out for another 30 years. Nobody knows what you're talking about, ass. Nobody knows what you're talking about, ass. Scott, Daddy's working, OK? And when you're in the main chamber, try and use the big-boy voice, OK? Thank you. Mr President, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons Project. Fire the laser! ZAP! BOOM! ALL SCREAM < Damage report! Damage report! It's OK. It's all right. Come on. That was just footage from the movie Independence Day, but the real laser would be like that. Scary. Now, Dr Evil` Now, Dr Evil` Talk to the hand cos the face don't wanna hear it any more. What hand? Talk to YOUR hand? You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Don't go there, girlfriend. Mm-hm. Whose girlfriend? Don't mess with me, I'm one crazy mofo. I had to pop a cop cos he wasn't giving me my props. No? I heard that somewhere. You're an idiot. Mr President, I think we have an understanding. Bye-bye. Dr Evil, what are our plans regarding Austin Powers? Austin Powers? He's the snake to my mongoose,... or the mongoose to my snake. Either way, it's bad. I don't know animals. But I do know this ` this time, it's personal. Kill him. . There's Dr Evil's island. ORCHESTRAL MUSIC SWELLS SCRATCH! Let's set up camp. Let's set up camp. Be careful with that bag. There's explosives in it. > This could be dangerous. > (PLAYS 'WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US') # What if God was one of us,... # just a slob like one of us? # Blue blue blue, blue blue blue blue. # Ya blah blee blee blee. # Well done. Very good. Well done. Very good. Dr Evil, that was fantastic. Thank you, Number Two. I wrote that. Dad,... he put this in my bed. Who? Your stupid Mini-You! He put road kill in my sheets. Mini-Me, don't you ever do that again, you hear me? Don't you ever do that again. I can't stay mad at you. Look at him. Dr Evil's headquarters is right over that next ridge. Dr Evil's headquarters is right over that next ridge. Let me look. (CHOKES) Dammit. How do we get in? MUFFLED: Hello, Mummy. Mummy, can I have some chocolate? I want some Mars Bars. Please smack my bottom. Austin. Sorry, love. (LAUGHS) I got stuck in your dirty pillows. Let's look at the map. BANG! BANG! Oh blimey. Austin, what's our plan? According to this map, the entire island is crawling with Dr Evil's guards. I want to check the explosives are dry, but I can't find them. I want to check the explosives are dry, but I can't find them. Look in the bottom. OK, I'll dig a little deeper. Wow, this bag is really full. Just keep digging, darling. Just keep digging, darling. I'll just feel around for them. Good Lord, Austin. What sort of things do you keep in here? Good Lord, Austin. What sort of things do you keep in here? Anything that catches my fancy. Give it a good tug. Oh, do you really need this? Oh, do you really need this? Please don't open that inside, thank you very much. WHISPERS: Oh my God. HISS! HISS! Oops! It went off. HISS! Oops! It went off. Yes, it does that from time to time. < (COUGHS) < (COUGHS) Yeah, that's nasty. Yeah, sorry about that. Smelly. These people make me sick. Can you snap me a beer? Can you snap me a beer? POP! (SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKS) What is it? It's a gerbil. How did THAT get in your bag? I-I don't know. Dr Evil, we have a problem. Austin Powers is on the island. Bring him to me... alive. Ah, you. Hit it. This is a very sensitive subject. 'JUST THE TWO OF US' PLAYS # Just the... # two of us. # Just the two of us. RAPS: From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone I knew that I'd be safe cos I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings,... my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to me; run the business of the family, head an evil empire, just like his dear old dad; give him my love and the things I never had. Scott would think I was a good guy; return the love I have, make me want to cry; be evil, but have my feelings, too; change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou ` but Scott rejected me. C'est la vie. Life is cruel, treats you unfairly. Even so, a God there must be. Mini-Me, you complete me. # Just the two of us,... # Just the two of us,... Uh-huh. # ...we can make it if we try. Just the two of us. # Just the two of us. # Just the two of us, building castles in the sky. # Just the two of us. REALLY DEEP VOICE: # You and I. # INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS You've got this packed really tight. Are you OK? Are you OK? Yeah, I've just got a bit of a back cramp, that's all. Just keep packing it in. God. I've found the explosives. Help me check them. I've found the explosives. Help me check them. You're surrounded! Drop your weapons Hands up! Move out! Ladies and gentlemen, in just a few moments, we're going to place a giant laser on the moon. From my Death Star, I will destroy every city on the planet. Get out of it. Ah! Mr Powers, Ms Shagwell ` welcome to my hollowed-out volcano. This is my associate Fat Bastard. Felicity, I think you two may have already met. Unfortunately. Unfortunately. Oh, is that all the thanks I get for the night of hot sex? I'm dead sexy. You were crap! (LAUGHS) Yes. In your dreams. (CHUCKLES HEARTILY) Felicity would never sleep with you. Right? I did what I had to do. I'm a secret agent. What? Aw. Boohoo (!) < (LAUGHS) All right, that's enough, Fat Bastard. As much as I like seeing Powers in agony ` and I do ` the thought of you naked is just gross. You can't stop me now, Mr Powers. I have your mojo and I'm taking it with me to the moon. Put them in a jail cell! (CHORTLES EVILLY) Put them in a jail cell! (CHORTLES EVILLY) My mojo! I'll get you, Dr Evil! I'll get you! Oh, look at me, I'm shaking in my little space boots (!) Oh, look at me, I'm shaking in my little space boots (!) I want my mojo! Give me back... Great plan, Einstein (!) You're gonna put him in a cell with one inept guard. They'll escape. God, you do this every time. You know, Scott, I've been a frickin' evil doctor for 30 frickin' years. OK? Cut me some frickin' slack. You forget, Scott, we're in a volcano. We're surrounded by liquid-hot magma. What are you drawing? Just a goodbye card, that's all. It's sweet. Whoa, whoa. Hey. Whoa, whoa. Hey. Get him! Get the baby! Whoa, whoa. Hey. Get him! Get the baby! Back off. Back off. Simmer down. He's my posse. OK. You take special care of him. He's my special boy. PA: Attention. Prepare for launch. HORN HONKS HORN HONKS Repeat, all technicians to launch positions. Gentlemen, I'm about to go to the moon. Initiate pre-launch sequence. Main rocket engine ignition... Frau, begin the countdown. Five! Four! < Three! Two! Two! Frau, begin the countdown at 30. 30! < 29! < 28! < 27! 26! 25! < 24! < 23! < 22! < 21! 20! 19! < 18! < 17! < 16! < 15! < 14! < 13! < 13! You know what? When the doors close, just say go. Better. Go! BEEP! ROCKETS ROAR DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS . RADAR BEEPS Colonel, you better take a look at this radar. What is it, son? I don't know. It looks like a giant` Dick. RADIO: Yeah? RADIO: Yeah? Take a look out of starboard. RADIO: Yeah? Take a look out of starboard. Oh my God, it looks like a huge` Pecker! Oh, where? Oh, where? It's no woodpecker. It looks like someone's` BARKS: Privates! We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with` Two balls. What is that? That looks just like an enormous` Wang! Pay attention. I was distracted by that huge, flying` Willie. Willie. Yeah? Willie. Yeah? What's that? It looks like a giant` Johnson. Johnson. Yes, sir? Get on the horn to British intelligence and let them know about this. BOTH GRUNT BOTH GASP What do we do? Why don't you just shag Fat Bastard again? Austin, this is no time to get jealous. Austin, this is no time to get jealous. Well, how could you do it? I was just doing my job. I was just doing my job. No, I mean, literally, how could you do it? The man's huge. The mechanics of it are mind-boggling. Don't try to lay your hang-ups on me just cos you lost your mojo. Don't try to lay your hang-ups on me just cos you lost your mojo. Ouch, baby. Very ouch. Look, Austin, we're running out of time. I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you would do in the same situation. You're the reason that I became a spy. You're the reason that I became a spy. (CHUCKLES) I thought that I wanted to be you, but then I realised that... I want to be WITH you. You do? Yeah. Hang on, baby. Alley-oop. PHONE RINGS PHONE RINGS We should talk about this later. We need to get past that inept guard. Here's the plan. What if I pretend to be ill with food poisoning? The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, comes to investigate. Meanwhile, you dig a pit,... line it with sticks made from sharpened toothbrushes. The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, we flee. That might work, but what about this? What do you think of these, my man? What do you think of these, my man? Mommy. ARGH! Oh. Oh. Ugh. What a... burn. (LAUGHS) That sort of thing could get a man... fired. (CHUCKLES) I think he was... hot for... you. (CHUCKLES) That's enough. That's enough. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my moon base. You've all been chosen to be part of my elite moon unit, which is divided into two divisions ` Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa. In exactly six hours, the moon will move in its orbit around the Earth,... bringing Washington DC within range of my giant laser. Begin laser ignition sequence. Begin laser ignition! Begin laser ignition! WHIP! PA: Attention. Moon Unit Zappa to firing station. Initiation sequence in progress. OK, all right. All I asked for was a frickin' rotating chair. Oh, OK. OK. OK. Getting a little afraid. I need an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. Whoa, hello. OK. Sick as a dog now. OK. (SPITS) OK. Gonna vomit. GROOVY '60S MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC STOPS AUSTIN: We need to hitch a ride to the moon, baby. RADIO: Apollo 11 is good to go. Crew to all stations. We will have lift-off in T minus five seconds. Four. Three. Two. WHOOSH! We have lift-off. Apollo 11 has cleared the tower and is heading for a rendezvous with the moon. (SCREAMS) > Whoo-hoo! Arm the laser. Arming the laser! Attention. Arming the Death Star. Battle stations. Attention. Arming the Death Star. Battle stations. < Laser on! All personnel to battle stations. Get me the President. You're gonna like this part, Mini-Me. This is the part where we threaten the world leader. I know we do it every time. However, it IS important... I know we do it every time. However, it IS important... Ee! Mini-Me? Mini-Me, where are you? Can someone put a frickin' bell on him, or something? Can someone put a frickin' bell on him, or something? Ee! Ee! Ee! Great (!) Somebody get the stick. Ee! Just grab on to the hook, all right? You complete me. I love you. Hang in there, Mini-Me. If anything should happen to you, I don't know what I would do. I'd probably move on and get another replica, but there'd be a 10-minute period when I would be inconsolable. We have your money, Dr Evil, but it wasn't easy. We have your money, Dr Evil, but it wasn't easy. Papa has to do some work. Well, you have exactly 30 minutes to get it to me. Ciao. (CHORTLES EVILLY) Jiminy German jitters, I can't believe we're going to pay that madman! I got nukes out the yin yang. Let me launch one, for Christ's sake! I got nukes out the yin yang. Let me launch one, for Christ's sake! Sir! Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon? Are you suggesting that we blow up the moon? Would you miss it? Would you miss it? . Mission control, the swinger has landed. Yeah! COMPUTER: Airlock open. Let's find Dr Evil. Let's find Dr Evil. Enjoy your stay on the moon. Hello, hello. There he is. BANG! BANG! SMASH! (GIGGLES) I'll cover your rear. I'll cover your rear. No, you go ahead. This time it's personal. Argh! (CHOKES) SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! (GRUNTS) Ha! Ha! Argh! Oh. Oh. SMACK! SMACK! (GROANS) Ha! Ha! (GROANS) Ha! Ha! Argh! Argh! Argh! (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GROANS) SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! Oh! Oh! Argh! Argh! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! (GRUNTS) Oh! (CHUCKLES) SMACK! (SOBS) No more! I can't take it any more. Peace? You've brought my glasses. Bless your little heart. You've brought my glasses. Bless your little heart. (GROWLS) That's not right. That's` Oh! (GROANS) Now I'm pissed! Judo flip! (HOICKS) (SPITS) CLANG! Poor little bugger. He's so small. He's like a dog or something. Poor little bugger. (SNARLS) (SNARLS) CRUNCH! (SNARLS) CRUNCH! (GROANS) Oh, get off! Oh, get off! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! Argh! RIP! OK. Oh! Argh! Get out of my suit! Argh! Oh! Argh! Get out of my suit! Argh! (GIGGLES) Oh, it tickles! (LAUGHS) Oh! Oh! (GRUNTS) Gotcha! Gotcha! MUFFLED: Ee! Ee! FAINT MUZAK PLAYS (STRAINS) (GROANS) (GRUNTS) WHOOSH! RIP! Argh! Poor little bugger. MELODRAMATICALLY: I salute you. All right, slap-head. Turn around. Where's my mojo? Well, it looks like you have a choice, Mr Powers ` save the world or save your girlfriend. Austin! Felicity! HISS! HISS! Don't worry about me, Austin. You've gotta save the world. (COUGHS) Kill him! GUNFIRE Fire the laser! COMPUTER: Target locking. COMPUTER: Target locking. PISTOL CLICKS Laser set to full lethality. Judo kick! Judo kick! SMACK! WHIRR! ZAP! WHOOSH! You may have won the battle, Mr Powers, but you lost the war. You may have won the battle, Mr Powers, but you lost the war. NO! No! No! Felicity! Wake up, Felicity! Wake up! BEEP! I love you, Felicity. I love you. Dr Evil. I'll kill him! (CHORTLES EVILLY) BANG! BANG! Gotcha! Ow! You shot me, you A-hole! And now I'm going to kill you. Before you do that,... (DEEP VOICE) know this. Austin,... (BREATHES NOISILY) I am your father. Really? No, not really. I can't back that up. Right. Idiot. Yes. But isn't it interesting, Mr Powers, that you would rather kill me than save your precious Felicity? What do you mean? Remember, there's a time portal in the main chamber. You could go back and save her. I'll do that. (LAUGHS EVILLY) BANG! Felicity! FAINT, MUFFLED SHOUTING DISTORTED AND VERY LOUD: Good work! ZOOM! Well, it looks like you have a choice, Mr Powers ` save the world or save your girlfriend. Austin! Felicity! Don't worry about me, Austin. You've gotta save the world. (COUGHS) Don't worry about me, Austin. You've gotta save the world. (COUGHS) I choose love, baby. Wait a tick. Who are you? I'm you, 10 minutes from now. Dammit. You are handsome. Dammit. You are handsome. BOTH CHUCKLE I was just thinking the same. We are sexy. We are sexy bitches. Yeah. All right, this is ri-goddam-diculous. Kill them both. GUNFIRE (MOUTHS) Fire the laser. Past Austin, can you save the world while I go get the girl? Sure, Austin from 10 minutes from now. (LAUGHS) Laser set to full lethality. Laser set to full lethality. SMASH! SMACK! WHIRR! ZAP! Come on. You're all right. Yeah, come on. Come on. You're all right. Yeah, come on. (COUGHS) Are you all right? Are you OK? Say, what's the policy on menage a trois? Say, what's the policy on menage a trois? AUSTINS CHUCKLE You are adorable. BOTH CHUCKLE Looking for this, Mr Powers, hm? My mojo. COMPUTER: Self-destruct ` two minutes and counting. SLOWED-DOWN AUDIO: No! SLOWED-DOWN AUDIO: No! No! Watch out! WHOOSH! See you in hell, Powers! (CHORTLES EVILLY) No. Hey, Austin from 10 minutes from now, this place is gonna blow! Let's go, come on! ZOOM! Self-destruct ` 30 seconds and counting. 29. Let's go. Let's go. No! My mojo! We have to go now. My mojo ` I'm useless without it. My mojo ` I'm useless without it. But you've had it all along. My mojo ` I'm useless without it. But you've had it all along. What do you mean? You defeated Dr Evil, you saved the world and, believe me, you're gonna get the girl. Whoa. CRASH! Oh! All right, then. Maybe later. Yeah. Come on. BOOM! ZAP! FIZZ! Go! I'll set the control for 1967. Felicity, why don't you come with me to 1999? The '60s were just so groovy. I want to see what happens in the '70s and the '80s. The '70s and the '80s? You're not missing anything. I looked into it. There's a gas shortage and A Flock Of Seagulls. That's about it. Let's go. ZOOM! BANG! BOOM! I love you, Austin Powers. I love you, Austin Powers. And I love YOU, Felicity Shagwell. Wherever we go... ...there we are. Mmm. KNOCK ON DOOR MUFFLED: Special delivery. MUFFLED: Special delivery. CRASH! Ah! Surprise, surprise. Listen, Missy ` do you fancy another go? Cos once you've had fat, you never go back. (LAUGHS) You shut your mouth, you bastard...! ...who is fat. Ah, that's right, yeah. Ah, that's right, yeah. Before you kill us, let me ask you one question. Are you happy? What kind of stupid-arse question is that? I'm rich and I'm dead sexy. (CHUCKLES) Oh yeah! (GRUNTS) You didn't answer my question. Are you happy? Of course I'm no happy. Look at me ` I'm a big, fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phone book. I've not seen my willy in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead. I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy... ...and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. > If you'll excuse me, there's someone I have to get in touch with and forgive ` (WHISPERS) myself. (FARTS) Oh God. Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead. Oh, who am I kiddin'? I'm gonna kill you anyway. Oh, who am I kiddin'? I'm gonna kill you anyway. Judo chop! Oh, right in the mummy-daddy button! That's for calling me crap, Fattie. Argh! CRASH! SMASH! Baby, I don't care if he IS a fat bastard, you don't give a man a shot in the pills. It's just not cricket. Do you think I'll be happy in the '90s? Well, I know the '90s might sound boring, but as far as I'm concerned,... I've brought the best part of the '60s back with me. You. You. (GIGGLES) Wait a minute. Where are you going? (LAUGHS) THE BANGLES' 'GET THE GIRL' PLAYS # Wherever you go... # there you are. # There you are. There you are,... # a superstar. # No matter what, you're gonna gonna get the girl. # Eeeeeeeee! Did we get Dr Evil? No. He got away in that rocket that looks like a` Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong or` Wiener? Any of you kids want another wiener? Any of you kids want another wiener? Dad, what's that? I don't know, son, but it's got great big` Nuts. Hot, salty nuts! Who wants some... Lord almighty. Who wants some... Lord almighty. That looks just like my husband's` One-eyed monster. Step right up and see the one-eyed monster. One-eyed monster. Step right up and see the one-eyed monster. (ROARS) Hey, what's that? Looks like a big` Woody. Woody Harrelson. Can I have your autograph? Woody. Woody Harrelson. Can I have your autograph? Sure, no problem. Oh my Lord. Look at that thing. It's so big. I've seen bigger. That's` Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. It's a flu shot. Ooh. You've been in the coldness of space, I don't want you to get sick. It's one thing to attack me ` it's quite another to attack my Mini-Me. I'm going to get you, Austin Powers. I'm going to get you. BOTH LAUGH EVILLY 'DR EVIL' PLAYS # Evil ` # Evil is his one and only name. # Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015 Today, we're doing a follow-up to a segment we did previously... on fathers who are trying to take over the world. on fathers who are trying to take over the world. AUDIENCE BOOS Let's begin with Scott Evil. Let's begin with Scott Evil. AUDIENCE CHEERS What's going on with your dad? What's going on with your dad? He tried to take over the world with a giant laser on the moon. AUDIENCE OOHS I know. Well, Scott, we have a surprise for you. Well, Scott, we have a surprise for you. What, my dad? No, it's not your father. It's your mother. Come on out. No, it's not your father. It's your mother. Come on out. AUDIENCE CHEERS AUDIENCE CHANTS: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! AUDIENCE CHANTS: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom? Scott,... you are my love child with Dr Evil. I thought I was a test-tube baby. I thought I was a test-tube baby. Lies, all lies! I love you, Mom. I love you, Mom. AUDIENCE: Aw. I love you, too, son. I love you, too, son. AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS Thank you. You know, what have we learnt here today? Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo. You can look around all you want, but what you're really trying to find is on the inside. Take care of yourself and each other. ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS LAUGHTER, SCREAMS OF DELIGHT AND PLEASURE LAUGHTER, SCREAMS OF DELIGHT AND PLEASURE Oh no. < (GIGGLES) Oh! Felicity. Austin? How could you? I thought that... Past Austin? > Technically it's not cheating. Felicity, I can't blame you. The man is handsome, baby. We're just plain handsome, man. Am I wrong? But this makes me horny, baby. Very randy! ALL LAUGH One thing's for sure ` I've got my mojo back. Oh yes. It's definitely back. Hello. Are you all right? Hello. Are you all right? BOTH AUSTINS CHUCKLE Hello. Are you all right? BOTH AUSTINS CHUCKLE Me spuds are boiling. BOTH AUSTINS LAUGH Come on. Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Paging Dr Freud. LENNY KRAVITZ'S 'AMERICAN WOMAN' PLAYS # American woman, stay away from me. # American woman,... # mama, let me be. # Don't come hangin' round my door. I don't wanna see your face no more. # I've got more important things to do than spend my time growin' old with you. # Now, woman,... # stay away. # American woman,... # listen what I say. # American woman,... # get away from me. # American woman,... # mama, let me be. # Don't come knocking round my door, I don't wanna see your shadow no more. # Coloured lights can hypnotise ` sparkle someone else's eyes. # Now, woman,... # get away. # American woman,... # listen what I say. # American woman, stay away from me. # American woman... # # Ow, pretty ladies around the world, got a weird thing to show you,... # so tell all the boys and the girls. # Tell your brother, your sister and your mama, too,... # cos we're about to go down and you know just what to do. # Wave your hands in the air like you don't care. # Glide by the people as they start to look and stare. # Do your dance, do your dance, do your dance, quick, mama. # Come on, baby, tell me, what's the word? # Word up,... # everybody say. # When you hear that call, you've got to get it under way. # Word up ` # it's the code word. # No matter where you say it, you know that you'll be heard. Word up... # Hello up there. Is the movie over? I'm still down here and I'm still in quite a lot of pain. > Maybe someone in the lobby could call an ambulance. > The pain is really quite severe. I've fashioned a makeshift splint. > Here goes nothing. > Here goes nothing. > CRACK! Here goes nothing. > CRACK! ARGH! >