1 Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 ...to recover contents such as shoes, socks and undergarments. Now an item of special note. The softball game between the 133rd and 4th infantry divisions will resume as scheduled at the Bha Mi Tu Park, here in Saigon. Make a note of it. (Coughs) Excuse me. Those who lost equipment in the rain should contact Lieutenant Shear. Lieutenant Shear asks men with waterlogged mitts to dry them out in the sun. Bookworms - Headquarters Support Activities Saigon offers libraries at six locations in Vietnam. American personnel can get books in Khu Bai, Da Nang, Vung Tau, Saigon, Bien Hoa and San Trang. Or you can write to the H.S.A.S. library. Ask for the books and your selections will be mailed to you. With holidays approaching, those wishing to spend Christmas cards... SEND Christmas cards to the States are asked to do so no later than August 13. Don't disappoint... LOUD NOISE ...watch the liberties we take. Lost luggage. The Armed Forces regrets any inconvenience due to luggage lost on transport carriers. Personal missing luggage... rather, PERSONNEL missing luggage should contact Major Gerald Kleiner at the 5th. Send a card describing the contents of your duffle. Don't describe your duffle, as all duffles look alike. Those personnel with lost... Cronauer? You got it. Welcome to Saigon. Careful with that. It's warm, huh? This is a setting for London broil. I'm Private Edward Montesquieu Garlick, sir. Garlick, requisition a new name. I like you already, sir. Actually, I'm your assistant in charge of orientating and billeting enlisted personnel. Company clerk. I'm impressed. CRUNCHING NOISE It's already started. I understand. (Laughs nervously) This is AFRS Radio Saigon. AFRS is operated by the US Government, and operates on a frequency of 540 at... That guy's really boring. No, he's telling us the radio waves' radius. Mantovani? That's for insomniacs who don't respond to drugs. General likes easy listening. Dragon lady with incredible figure! Stop. I can't, sir. After those Greek island women, I thought I'd never like women again. And you won't stop! We have an important meeting. There she is again! That's another person. She's beautiful and quick. My God, they're quick, they're fast and small! I'm like a fox in a chicken coop. We've got a new man. Understand? No, I don't, sir. Would you lower your tone, please? Yes, sir. I run this show, General. I should be notified of any changes that are made. Nobody's arguing that with you. I heard this guy and he is funny! I was laughing and the troops love him! This is a tempest in a teacup. For crying out loud, this isn't brain surgery! Don't get crazy, Dick. It's just a damned DJ! There's no such thing as 'only' here. Lieutenant Hauk is our immediate supervisor. He's goofy, but he's OK. Sergeant Major Dickerson. That's another story altogether. He was in the Special Forces. But he got prostate problems and some social infection. He probably got shot in the ass. He's the man you shouldn't aggravate. Are you always this happy? Cronauer! At ease. I am General Taylor. How are you, General? Pleasure. Any problems, see me. I'm the tallest hog in the trough. Have you put on weight? No, sir. Your ass's shadow would weigh 20 pounds. I'll work on that. Don't address a general that way. That's a new rule? Old rule. That's Lt Hauk in there. Who's the guy with the ears? You could fly with those. Cronauer, sir. It wouldn't kill you people to salute me. Yes, sir. I understand you're a pretty funny DJ. Comedy's a hobby of mine. Actually, it's more than a hobby. Reader's Digest is considering publishing my jokes. Really? Yeah. Perhaps we could get together and swap humorous stories. And play some Tennessee Ernie Ford records. That's a joke, right? Maybe. I get it. Where's his paperwork? Right here, Sergeant. Thank you. United States Airforce. The hat's a giveaway. What sort of uniform is that? Cretan camouflage. A disguise amongst drunken Greeks. That is humour. I recognise that. I also recognise your species of soldier. I knew someone like you. His humour cost the lives of three very fine individuals. I hope... Shut your hole! You've got your cushy assignment. I can't change that. In time, you'll make me forget it. Stay away from me and we'll have no problems. You toy with me, I'll burn you bad. Am I being clear? Yes, sir. I work for a living, Airman. Address me as Sergeant Major Dickerson. Yes, Sergeant Major Dickerson. He reminds me of Donna Reed. Hello, hello, hello. This is your chaplain, Captain Noel. Your radio programme of personal beliefs. Great are our blessings today. This great miracle of radio gives me the opportunity to speak on the air! Sir, it's time to rise. It's Mardi Gras. I'm on the main float. You'll get used to it. Let me sleep. You must get up. What's the time? 5:30. Too early. Call me in five minutes. You have to get on the air. Come on, sir. Fine. It's down the hall. OK. Nervous? I'm not even here. This way, sir. You have a few minutes. You read the news from these. But every item is checked by these two guys in here. Guys, meet our new DJ, Adrian Cronauer. That's Marty Lee Dreiwitz. He's impeccably clean. He has cleaning products shipped in. He's also your room-mate. I'd think about suicide. Sir, you don't want to use those records. We have a selection... It's great to meet you. Can you say something funny? I doubt it. (Laughs) I'm on your frequency! What's the appeal of Joey Bishop? The man's not funny. He's a nice guy, but so's my father, and he's not funny either. Joey Bishop. I can't understand. You're on air in 10 seconds. Nine...eight...seven... Hey, this is Marty Lee. Now, direct from Crete, the smooth sound of Adrian Cronauer. Goooooooooood morning, Vietnam! Hey, this is rock and roll! From the delta to the DMZ! Sounds like an Elvis movie. Ohhhhh, viva Da Nang! Da Nang me, get a rope and hang me! Am I a little too loud? It's 0600. Oh my God, it's early. Speaking of early, how about that Cro-Magnon Marty? Thanks. Good morning, Vietnam? What does that mean? I guess it means good morning, Vietnam. And who gave anyone permission to programme modern music? Freddie and the Dreamers. RECORD PLAYS AT SLOW SPEED (Speaks in deep voice) It's the wrong speed. For those with hangovers, that'll sound just right. Let's try it faster, up on 78. (Speaks quickly with high voice) I really like that music! It's still a bad song. Let's try playing it backwards. Vez nee vev, Freddie is a devil. (Sings 'Twilight Zone' theme) Picture a man journeying beyond sight and sound. He's left Crete. He's entered the Demilitarised Zone. Ahhhhhhhhh!! Diddle ah, pnh! Diddle ah, pnh! Hey, what is this Demilitarised Zone? Police action? Sounds like cops in Brooklyn. Anyway, it wakes you up better than a cappuccino. It's like the 'Wizard of Oz'. (High voice) Don't go in there! (Deep voice) Ho Chi Minh. (High voice) You're in Saigon. You're among the little people now. (Munchkin voice) We represent the northern army. Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail. (Witchy) I'll get you, my pretty! It's the wicked witch of the north! Hanoi Hannah! (Witchy) Little GI! Your little Tutu, too! (Cackles wickedly) (Speaks like woman) What are you doing, Adrian? Hannah, you slut, you've been down on everything but the Titanic. He's really funny. He's like a Marx Brother. Which Marx brother would that be, Private? Zeppo? He's not funny. Zeppo? With the hat? What's your name? Roosevelt D. Roosevelt! Where are you stationed? Poontang! What's the weather like? So hot I could cook things in my shorts! What does it feel like? It's hot. Were you born on the sun? It's so hot, I saw a monk burst into flames. What about tonight? Hot and wet - nice if you're with a lady! Thank you, Roosevelt. Here's 'Nowhere To Run To' by Martha and the Vandellas. Hey, you understand? HEAVY DRUM BEAT Too much? SONG: # Nowhere to run Nowhere to hide # Got nowhere to run to baby # Nowhere to hide... # That's not what we programme here! AFBN rocking you from the delta! AFBN - better than AFVD which means you need a shot. SONG: # I get around I get around... # What's the difference between the army and the scouts? Scouts don't have artillery. # ..get around I get around # I'm getting bugged driving up and down the same old strip # I've gotta find a place where the kids are hip... # I'm on again at 1600. Why? The army makes me. What's your name? (Shouts) BOB FRIMMER! What's your unit? I'M IN ARTILLERY! Any requests? ANYTHING! JUST PLAY IT LOUD! OK? # ...get around get around I get around. # I get around round Ooh hoo hoo hoo aah... # I've come from Crete. The women look like Zorba. (Speaks like Gomer Pyle) 'Such pretty girls!' Gomer, you're in Vietnam? 'Yes, I am! Surprise!' Lyndon, why's your daughter named Linda Bird? 'Because Linda Dog would be too cruel.' Hold 'em by their ears. You're going straight to hell for that one! Is Ho Chi Minh really Colonel Sanders? Traffic report on the Ho Chi Minh Trail. (Makes chopper noise) There's a water buffalo jackknifed. We're gonna drop some napalm and try and have us a little barbecue. SONG: # The purpose of a man is to love a woman # The purpose of a woman is to love a man # Come on, baby Let's play the game of love # L-l-l-love... # We've got Mr Leo, the army's fashion consultant here. (Camp) I'm happy to be here, Adrian. This camouflage thing doesn't work for me. I can't see you. It's like wearing stripes and spots. Make a statement. If you're going to fight, clash. That funky music will drive us till the dawn. Let's boogaloo till we puke. That's about it for the Adrian Cron-hour. Now, over to Mr Excitement. A man with limp hair, but nevertheless, a fireball. Dan Levitan! This is ARFS Radio Saigon. I'm Dan 'The Man' Levitan. Greetings to all servicemen in the area. Thanks for joining us. (All cheer) I know funny. This guy's funny! At ease! We already are. Cool your tongue. I'm taking issue with your performance. First, don't make fun of the weather. The weather isn't always the same here. It's two degrees cooler today. And me without my muff. MARTY: Boy, this guy is funny! I'm running a meeting. I hate the fact that you never salute. I'm a lieutenant. I'd like salutes. That's what rank's all about. Second... Second... Programming taste. Programming taste! I found your police action remark way out of line. How can you compare Vietnam with a cappuccino coffee? I was trying to be funny. Funny is good! It's good! But use humour, not police action and coffee remarks. Furthermore, stick to normal modes of music, not wild stuff. Those we find acceptable here include Lawrence Welk, Jim Nabors, Mantovani... Percy Faith. Percy Faith! Good! Thanks. Andy Williams, Perry Como and certain ballads by Mr Sinatra. Would Bob Dylan be out? Way out! Former VP Richard Nixon will arrive here this week. Dreiwitz, you're covering the PC. He says PC instead of press conference. And if you do happen to speak with him be polite at all times. Affirmative, sir. Affirmative, sir. Good. OK. Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November? Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but he won't come. Why not? He doesn't play police actions. Just wars. Bob likes a big room. (Everyone laughs) That's not funny! It might escalate. What might escalate? The Vietnam conflict. The Vietnam conflict. We're not going to escalate a war for Bob Hope! We can get Tony Bennett! Jerry Vale. He's finishing at the Copa. You're sure? My niece told me. Get the Beach Boys. Don't dick around here. Their agent says they'll be on the sand until November. Didn't someone bearing a striking resemblance to myself just say that music is inappropriate? Sorry, sir. The former VP arrives on Friday. (Sniggers) His PC will be broadcast within 12 hours of his arrival. Would you like to share that joke? No, sir. The former Vice-President's a delight. Seeing how the VP's such a VIP, shouldn't the PC stay QT? The VC might hear. I'd like to leave now. Oh, yes, sir. (Everyone laughs loudly) And if you do... And if you do... 1 Eddie Kirk here. A Ray Coniff jubilee coming up soon. Actually, it's a Ray Coniff featurette. Three or four Coniff classics back to back. SONG ON RADIO: 'Smoke Gets In Your Eyes'. GARLICK: We are here, sir. This is where we hang out. It's real homey. That's Jimmy Wah, the owner. Earl, hi, hi! Now, say hi and smile. BOTH: Hi! You want some beers? We'd love some beers. I'm Earl? He calls everybody Earl. Is he light in the loafers? He's got this thing for Walter Brennan. For years he's wanted naked photographs of the actor. Walter Brennan. You know, he's on TV. (Imitates Walter Brennan) Anyway, this infantry guy swore he could get him naked photographs of the actor. I've told him it's no go. Nude photographs of Walter Brennan. Your beers. Thank you, Jimmy. Any movement on the Brennan photos? It doesn't look good. He look good to me. This is the best beer in Vietnam. It's the only beer in Vietnam. Try it. What happened? We put in just a touch of formaldehyde for flavour. If you're hospitalised, when you return I give you free salad. That seems fair. It really does. You'll get used to it. Maybe. I can't let that girl down. The hunt is on. I've got to catch her. Hi, how's Lynn doing? I'm sorry, you look like Lynn's friend from Toledo. Let me buy you a coffee. I not think be not correct. Please, OK? What did she say? She said no, sir. Think she likes seafood? She's getting away! Get the jeep! OK! It's blocked in. I'll move them. No time. Taxi! Bikes! We'll buy bikes. No! The tyres are bald. Picky, picky. Let's go. Yow, the chase! (Rings bell) Sir! How about a little dignity?! (Rings bell) Sir! CAR HORNS BLARE TRUCK HORN BLARES Good afternoon, class. ALL: Good afternoon. In our last class we read the chapter... Should've gotten one with training wheels. I was almost killed. This far from the truck's bumper. My life flashed before me and it wasn't even interesting. I must get to first base. TEACHER: Butter and cheese. Zoomed right by, just as they say. Stamp collections, working for my dad, arranging rakes by size for my mom. I could encapsulate my whole life in two seconds - very alarming. I've got to go out with her. You can't. This is a different culture. You'd need family sanctions... Shhh! Listen. (Speaks broken English) I never heard rhymes like that. I've got to meet her. Could the teacher date her? Possibly, but you'd need very... That's enough. ..specific...introductions. TEACHER: Today we'll talk about shopping for dinner and the things you buy during your shopping trip. Specifically... Excuse me. What is it? I'm dying and I'd like to teach. I don't think you understand me. It's all yours. Hello, class. My name is Adrian Cronauer. To get to know all of you, write down your name, address and telephone number. You're not supposed to be here. I was sent by the Colonel. Question one is, what subject is this? Is it English? Yes, and how lucky for me. Thank you for playing. English is a fantastic language. Let's try a phrase - 'My boyfriend's back and there's gonna be trouble.' My boyfriend's back? This isn't for you. Why do I feel like The Miracle Worker here? This is a nightmare. I can't really teach English. I can only tell you about talking on the real streets of America. In New York, people don't say, 'Excuse me, I'd like to buy some butter.' No, they say, 'Hey, man. What's happenin'?' 'Ow! You look hip today. Slip me some skin.' That doesn't mean that they're a leper. It's a greeting, like, 'How are you doing?' 'Slip me some skin.' Here's how. Put your hand out - yeah, there's some skin. Your turn. Then you say groovy. Gloovy. Yes! (They all laugh) Baaaby! If something's really nice you say it's groovy. Try this one - 'Hey baby, what's happening? Let's groove.' Hey baby, w-w-what's happenin'? Let's groo. BELL RINGS Mr Cronauer, we're liking you. I'm liking you too. Teach American thing, OK? Play game of softball. Yeah, we'll get the equipment. Forget the girl. Let her say no. She walk away from you. I'm interested in her, not you. She's my sister. I'd love to buy you lunch. I not like you. But I got a great personality. You phoney. Here to get something. You come into the class for the girl. You get her, you go. OK, Sherlock. You got me. But I like the class and I'm staying. Let's be friends. Come on. Why you like me? Because you're honest and you're shorter than me. Come for a beer. Your face look like a fish. True. An insult, right? 1 Buy me lunch but please forget about my sister. Americans see a girl they like, put her in a fancy car, buy her expensive food, then take her to bed. So? It's not like that here. Does this food give you diarrhoea? You wanting some? What is this? Noodle soup with fishballs. Didn't know they had balls. Eat. Eat. I can't - it's still paddling. No, they OK. I tell you. You like it. You see? You don't trusting me. I trust you, man, but it looks like a cesspool. If you want to be my friend, trust me - eat it. I want to be your pal, I'll eat it. Mmm-mmm. Yech! Shit! God! Oh, hot! Shit, that stuff's burning the hair off my feet! Hot? No, it's great! (Coughs) (The woman cackles) A little spicy? A little. Isn't that funny? You like that too? A little of this? She likes the Three Stooges. American, you silly. (Splutters) You old enough? Think so. Hi, good to see you again! Look at the new friend. Too young for you. I want to show you something nice. It look wonderful. I can confide in you? Sure. Look at the shape of that ankle, elegantly cut into his boot. Help me photograph that ankle, you take my bar. You're a very sick man. Aaah, thank you. Oh, God. Ladies and gentlemen, here's the new voice of Saigon. Adrian Cronauer! (All cheer) Not enough for the car. Get the girl? No. This is Tuan from my English class. Tuan, the guys. Hey, Tuan. Guys, Tuan. Hi, Tuan. Long time no twee! Those are gorgeous gals. I never had girls like that as a child. Who gets laid as a child? And don't call them gals - they're French-Vietnamese beaver. Don't ruin it. Can you believe the shape of them? Those behinds are designed by a Jewish scientist, Dr Finetusch. Dr Heinrich Finetusch. Nobody's got any good lines. Try this one. Oh, girls? Girls? Come on over. Pardon me, girls? Excuse me, girls? Hello? Come on. Yes. Here she comes. The memo said we're not supposed to fraternise with these girls. Forget memos, pretty women are coming. Here she comes. Hello, I'm William Holden. Oh! Oh! Merry Christmas! You believe in Santa. What about me? Dan Levitan - heard my radio show? What's your name? Can you say my name - Levitan? Who brought the gook? I said, who brought in the fucking gook? A khaki eclipse. I'd better go. I did. Come on, now. Kick out the gooks, chinks, spics, spooks and kikes? That only leaves brain dead rednecks. They've stopped talking. How about a beer? Shut up! Get him out. Hey, hey! Hey! Come on, now. You got to prove something? This is a GI bar - no gooks! Everybody say goodbyes, all right? Jump in any time. Sure. I've been all around the world - seen many places, many people. But I've never seen a man so large, with as much muscles, who has no penis. Please stop. Shit! You asshole! (People scream and shout) Call police! Talk. Two rednecks were abusing a Vietnamese national, so... So you start a brawl. Real intelligent solution. It makes me look ridiculous. A man under my command starts a bar brawl. You won't last long here, pal. Send me back to Crete. This isn't a joke. I can come up with alternatives to Crete. You think I can't come up with something good? Can you envision unattractive alternatives? Not without slides. A bar brawl - that's one, Cronauer. You better stay cool. You better not get involved in anything that happens, or your ass is grass and I'm a lawnmower, understand? Yes, sir. Sir?! I'm not an officer! What's three up, three down? Inning's ended? Sergeant Major. Get the hell out of here. (Sings reveille loudly) Bop-bop-ba-de-bop. I've heard it! Wake up, Mr Sleepyhead. You are late. What can I say? Hiya. Hiya. Hiya. One of you throws his voice. Censor, censor, censor. Join the army and mark things. What news are you leaving me? Nixon? Singapore? Lake Erie? You're on! Two seconds! It's time for Adrian Cronauer. Gooood morning, Vietnaaaaam! Hello, campers. Monday is malaria day. Time for the Ho Chi Minh two-step. SONG: # Sugar and spice and all things nice # Kisses sweeter than wine # Sugar and spice and all things nice # You know that little girl's mine. # The news - approved by the US Army, the sweetest-smelling army. (Imitates a telex machine) Britain recognises the state of Singapore. How do you recognise an island? Didn't we meet at the Feinman bar mitzvah? You look a lot like Hawaii. Pope celebrated mass in Italian. Call me crazy, he's in Rome. Mississippi River breaks through protective dyke. That's a large woman going, (gruff) 'Don't go near the river!' We can't say 'dyke' or 'lesbian', it's 'women in comfortable shoes'. Now, with the weather, Roosevelt D. Roosevelt. 'I'm with somebody - don't bother me!' Thanks. No weather? 'I'm tryin' to score! 'You got a window - open it!' Thank you, Roosevelt. We'll have to go to Walter Cronkite for the weather. 'I'll begin by saying, 'What it is, what it shall be, what it was'. 'Today's weather - hot and shitty, then hot and shitty. 'Tomorrow - continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming. 'Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass.' Right now, some songs are coming your way. What was that? Crappy weather? Shitty weather? Comedy, sir. Comedy? No, not comedy. Comedy is fun, antics, hysterical type things. Could you elaborate, sir? Antics, comedy of errors. Like the Keystone Cops falling down. Falling down on the radio? Not literally falling down. Wouldn't work on radio. See? I mean the spirit of the Keystone Cops. Sir, it wouldn't work. Nobody would see you fall through a radio. Why are you here? I'm helping... Don't help! And you... You're not funny but you're a maniac, so change your life. Sir? I'm privileged to take comedy notes from someone like you. Fine. Don't let it happen again. Whoa! In the dictionary, under 'asshole' it says 'See him'. Why am I here? Gonna play some music for you. Here's James Brown coming your way! Baby, hit me please! # SONG: Wow! I feel good # I knew that I would now # I feel good # I knew that I would now # So good, so good # I got you Oww! Ow, back again! Heh, heh! Ooh! Ow! # When I hold you in my arms # I know I can do no wrong # Hold you in my arms # Love can't do me no harm # And I feel nice, like sugar and spice # I feel nice # Like sugar and spice Sugar and spice! # So nice So nice! # So nice, I got you Owwww!! # I feel good Hurt 'im now! Ha ha! Good God! Hit me! Put through it! # I feel good # I knew that I would # So good, so good # Sir, Walter Cronkite's in New Jersey! It was a joke, sir. Sarcasm. It's a form of humour, sir. In Hackensack! We're happy with him too, sir. That wasn't Walter Cronkite. Yes, sir. Didn't I speak to you before? 1 LAUGHTER IN CLASSROOM All right. Let's recap. If someone is lying, they're full of... ALL: Shit! ONE MAN: Shit! If someone's making you angry, you say, 'You have...' ALL: Pissed me off! Join the others if you can. Some gypsies in a car cut you off. So you... ALL: Flip them the bird! Bird! Very good, OK. OK, a waitress brings you some tomato soup. She slips, she spills it on your brand new gaberdine pants. You're pretty angry. You say...Min? Look what you did. And goddammit and stupid and crap. You don't call someone crap. You step on crap. You can. You can be full of shit. Step in shit, full of crap. Sure you can step in crap. How can some person look like shit? Let's stop the great ca-ca debate. Wilchy, you go into a restaurant. The waitress comes up to you - you're wearing your best suit. She spills soup all over you. What would you say? She spilled something on your pants. I do nothing. It's cursing class - what would you do? I just remain reticent. She gets a knife and starts stabbing you. She's stabbing you with forks, she's got spoons in your eyes! What would you do? I'm waiting to die. We like your lessons better than the books. Play baseball? You teach us. Spring training comes first. Where you come from? Queens. What are Queens? Big men with moustaches named Mary who wear mascara. (Translates) (Imitates translation) Relax, crazy American. I make a date for tomorrow. Date? By the fruit and flower vendors, where you burned your mouth. Where's that? The noodles, remember? Oh! Of course. I warn you - you not like it. You say it ridiculous. That's ridiculous. Hi. ALL: Hi! This could be very ugly. Hi! Chaperone. (Baby howls) In Vietnam, family often come to mind someone, to meet someone. Well, the gang's all here. (Laughs) Oh God, this is wonderful. You know, you're very beautiful. You're also very quiet. I'm not used to girls being quiet unless they're medicated. Normally they talk enough to power a small town. You talk very much. Going on a date with a grand jury makes me nervous. I don't want makes you nervous. I knows you very nice and for trusting, you is the best. On the gentry of what you say are never to be for both the same in another. You just lost me at the end. Hey, hey. Uncle Phil. For you. There we go, for you. Here we go. Knock yourselves out. What's one fifteenth of $1 among friends? No problem. They're having a great... Listen, I KNOW there's no way. But we can have a few laughs. I'll take whatever you can give - I'm just happy to be with you. Want to see a movie? Must to ask the people. No problem. Attention, shoppers. People? People, settle. You know 'Under the Boardwalk'? 'Shout' by the Isley Brothers? Do you know ANY American songs? 'Puff the Magic Dragon'. Sing it. (Sings) # Puff the magic dragon living by the tree. # That's wonderful. Twelve, please. Um... (In Vietnamese) Twelve. (Repeats it) SONG ON FILM: # Blanket for two # Add a boy and a girl # That's the game for me and you # Let's give it a whirl # Beach blanket bingo # Beach blanket bingo Beach blanket bingo # That's the name of the game. # (Speaks Vietnamese) My thoughts exactly. Can't I read this? It's happening now. They'd never approve releasing that. That's censorship. That's not American. We're not in America. You're doing a show. This'd send amphetamine freaks to sleep. 'Agreement on Guam' - sounds like bird droppings. 'Hubert Humphrey at Capitol Hill' - a children's story. I'm reading this. You can't. Don't you bend rules sometimes? No - causes trouble. Try getting into trouble. It's fun. What's that? Take some chances sometimes. That's what life's all about. Find anything? No, I'll invent something. That silence was Marcel Marceau's single, 'Walking in the Wind'. Here are the headlines. (Makes beeping noise) Pope is Jewish. Liberace is Anastasia. Ethel Merman jams Russian radar. Berlin Wall is a fraternity prank. Pope also releases Vatican related bath products. It's the new 'Pope on a rope'. Wash with it and go to heaven. Thank you. Ethel Merman jams Russian radar. This is her jamming. (Sings) # Oh, I've got a feeling that love is here to stay. # Russians replied, 'What the hell was that?' Here's a news flash. President Lyndon Johnson passed a highway beautification bill stopping his daughters driving convertibles on public highways. Former Vice-President, Richard Nixon's in town. The Big Dick is here. Get ready. An incredible coincidence - he sounds like Mr Ed. (Nixon) 'I tell you this.' Now listen... (Mr Ed) 'Wilbur, come in the room.' Moving on into the dawn with the Dawn Busters. Yeah! SONG: # Well if you want me it's all right... Requests will be taken soon. Where can you call from? 'I'm in a phone booth in the DMZ.' # And I think that you might... Lock and Loll, baby. Lock and Loll. # Now I know you believe me # If you want me it's all right... # Our friend from military intelligence. What have you learnt about the enemy? (Intelligence officer) 'We've learnt we can't find them. 'They're out there. 'We're having major difficulty finding the enemy.' What do you use to look for them? 'We ask people, 'Are you the enemy?' 'Whoever says yes, we shoot them.' # It's all right, it's all right... # It's difficult to find a Vietnamese man name. They're all named Nguyan or Dao, things like that. It's very difficult. Were you really too near the nerve agents they were testing? 'Nerve gas?' Yes, have you used any? 'Well, once yes - on myself. 'It had no... Whoa, whoa! ..effect on me. 'I've had no actual... 'Whoa! Shoo-hoo! Big dogs landing on my face. 'I don't understand that.' That's it. I'm out of here. Now, it's over to Mr Warmth. Dan 'the tan' Levitan! Thank you so much, Adrian. Adrian Cronauer, a welcome, whacky addition... Nixon's press conference. He's this far from sincerity. Let me just feed my face first. Where are you going? To get some food. No time. Stay here and drink instant beverage. We promised our audience Nixon highlights by 4:00pm. I'm hungry after four hours. A joke? I understand. No, I'm actually hungry. Well, I'm actually giving you an order. Oh, it's an order. In that case, gentlemen, let's edit. 1 Thank you. Mmmm-mm. Ah-ha! You again. No more fighting, OK? Nice shiny green suit, like an oriental leprechaun. You like? I got it in Hong Kong - home of the shiny green suit. NIXON ON RADIO: There's no place for a neutral settlement in South Vietnam. There is no doubt... That's Nixon. ..the Viet Cong will be defeated. This war will be won. It involves, as you've suggested, give and take. CRONAUER: I really didn't suggest that, sir. The US has no right to give... Why is Cronauer on this tape? I don't know. Mr Nixon, thanks for that political commentary. I'd like to delve into something more personal. How would you describe your testicles? They're soft, shallow and have no purpose. God! What's that? They lack physical strength. Describe your sex life with your wife. It's unexciting, sometimes. Have you considered a sex change? Don't do this to me. You'd become a well-hung chihuahua. It's rumoured you've smoked marijuana in Vietnam. How would you take marijuana home to the US? By plane, by helicopter and also by automobile. Could you do your Mr Ed? People love that. I said turn it off! Sir. Where is Cronauer? Still eating, sir. I want to see him ASAP. What, sir? As soon as possible. VG, sir. We interrupt for an emergency selection of the Benny Goodman orchestra. Consider taking him off the air. We get thousands of letters - fan mail. He's the first military DJ to get fan mail. Every GI in Vietnam is glued to his radio twice a day to hear that lunatic. The man has an irreverent tendency. He did an off-colour parody of former V-P Nixon. I thought it was hilarious. Respectfully, sir, the former V-P is a good, decent man. Bullshit! I know Nixon personally. He lugs a train-load of shit behind him. I'd never trust the bastard and I consider him a close friend. What's going on here? Amidst the mounting crisis, there's a DJ the men dearly love. If you have personal problems, solve them. Thank you, Lieutenant. Thank you, Lieutenant. Speak your piece. I have over 15 years command experience. You want me to run this station with nothing to say and no way to do it? Right now, yes. Yes, sir. This isn't over yet. Why you still here? I'm drinking my formaldehyde. You said you'd discuss her. She doesn't like me. She do. She don't. She want to meet you today. I'm due back on air... Meet today, or miss big chance. Couldn't miss that. Yes, come. We go. You learnt English from Tonto? Come! She really wants to see me? Yeah. Guess that beach movie really impressed her. I'll get her something. How about bananas? No. That doesn't say the right thing... BOMB EXPLODES (People scream and cry) FIRE ENGINE SIREN My bar! Why would they do that? You can't leave her in this shit. This one's gone. Hey, where's he going? What's this? You can't read anything unchecked... I was there. It happened. Legitimate news goes through proper channels. It's real. Think I cut myself shaving? I'll report the truth for a change. What's going on? Sir, please listen. This isn't official news. It didn't happen. It did. Quiet. Scared to mention there's a war? This news isn't official. Don't pretend it's safe here. Fighting's not just in the hills. It's none of your goddamn business! I see your point. Sorry. When I hit these air-conditioners I get a little dizzy. Thanks for setting me straight. I'll be OK. It's time for the King Kong of Saigon, Adrian Cronauer. Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I always say 'morning' - 'evening' is too depressing. We're going straight to the news. (Sighs) From England. Today, Princess Margaret threw a shoe. (Neighs) Easy, Madge. Also, Eliz...Queen Elizabeth... Liz...Elizabeth Taylor! She's still married after six months. Way to go, Liz. In Saigon today, according to official sources, nothing actually happened. A bomb didn't officially explode at 1430 hours, unofficially destroying Jimmy Wah's cafe. Get him out! 3 men were unofficially wounded. Two men whose identities are unknown... It's locked. Break the goddamn door down! Police and fire department responded to what's still considered unofficial. Turn it off. But... Turn it off! I just think that you should... He should be court-martialled. I've got much more serious matters to address. He's a goddamn subversive. He made a mistake. Mistake?! Next he'll broadcast troop movements to the enemy. I follow strict military intelligence guidelines. Military intelligence? A contradiction in terms. He's a walking bomb. For eight weeks, he's disobeyed orders on style and content, read unofficial news. Imagine him in six months, even more popular. It'll be impossible to stop him. Who'd do the Cronauer show? Hauk can do it, till I find a replacement. OK, for now suspend him. You've made the correct choice. 1 We introduce 'Diana Ross and the Suprawns'. (Sings) # Set me free why don't you babe # You don't really need me You just keep me steaming on. # (Imitates Diana Ross) Thank you very much. (Speaks Vietnamese) What's that? He say you drink too much. Tell him I drink to be this funny. (Translates) (Speaks Vietnamese) It's not funny at all, he say. It's nice to bomb in another language. Drinking will make you sick. Come on. My village isn't far. You could come for resting. See how we live. Seeing your production of 'Our Town' won't cheer me up. You see Trinh there. I'll drive. Red leather, yellow leather, led...red leather, yellow leather... Reading news is easy. But this isn't funny, it's sad. Please don't try comedy. It's not in you. Comedy's what you make it. I've got pages of material, right, Abersold? I'm afraid you'll hit bottom. Why were you laughing when you typed it? I was thinking of something else. Thanks for your support. I've got a show to do. Sir, you're not funny. Ask around. Ask me. With due respect, you might lay an egg. I know funny - you're not. That's life. I'm hopeless with power tools. That was the exciting sound of Petula Clark... Beach Boys - they're guys. ..of the Beach Boys. That's it for me. Adrian Cronauer's on temporary assignment, but here's a surprise. Don't build him up - he'll fall. Welcome the lieutenant of laughs, the officer of oral, the Westmorland of wit, swinging Steven Hauk! Hello, Vietnam. And greetings. Soon the news, then... (French accent) Lieutenant Steve, Lieutenant Steve. Who's that? It's me, your old pal Frenchy. Frenchy, do you like good food? But of course! The French love good food. Then that makes you an Eydie Gorme! (Honks horn) Ho ho ho, Lieutenant Steve! Ho ho ho, Frenchy! Ho ho ho, Lieutenant Steve! Ha ha ha, Frenchy. I really shouldn't kid, Frenchy. Sometimes his dad gets... (honks) ..mad at me and he could hurt. (Honks) Lieutenant Steve, play some music. What music, Frenchy? I love a good polka as much as anyone. A good polka then, for my good friend Frenchy. POLKA Some apologies are in order. POLKA ON RADIO You won't continue this broadcast, sir? What are they doing? They're Buddhists. They're sitting for peace, wisdom and knowledge. They're waiting for enlightenment. This man lose one son from blasting American mine. His father and brother killed by French. He think this not fair. (Baby cries) (Speaks Vietnamese) It's no big deal. Look... (Sings) # How loving can you feel when you got that Mormon whim? # Don't you know the times can be that-a-way, whack-a-whack # You feel the time is here Whack-a-whack, whack-a-whack... # Look up there. Pull! (Makes gunshot sound) Pull! (Gunshot) You not understand. You not. We no future together, Cronauer. My country - maybe no future. I like you. I just want to be friends. I not can do this, Cronauer. No. No friend, Cronauer. No good for me. My brother, OK friends. But Vietnam ladies not friends. Please? OK? Not friends. Great week. POLKA ON RADIO You'll never hear a better polka. PHONES RING You want Hauk removed? You want Cronauer back? Want Cronauer back on air? Thousands of letters ask for Cronauer's reinstatement. The men hate Hauk. They want Cronauer back. He's an exhilarating personality. Polkas are no substitute. There's a pattern here. These letters are unequivocal. (Reads) 'Hauk, eat shit. You suck!' That's pretty much to the point. One positive caller found Hauk's comedy visionary and interesting. 1,100 others said he can't do comedy to save his dick. Direct quote, sir. They just don't like Hauk. (Reads) 'Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls.' I don't understand that, but it seems very negative. The troops are saying something. If it's my programming choices, I can change. I broadcast polkas because many men are unrepresented by Cronauer's rock'n'roll broadcasts. I can play an occasional Gary Lewis record. I don't care about polkas. It's military politics. Nothing personal. Men just like him more than you. He maliciously, with purposeful intent, read unofficial news. No, he made a mistake. This thing's a delicate balance. I don't want it dependant on a disc jockey. The men want him. I want him. Those callers don't like my humour. But the silent masses do. Polkas are a much-maligned musical taste. You don't know whether you're shot, fucked or snake bit. I don't care about polkas. We're bringing in thousands of troops every month. Terrorism's increasing in Saigon. The problems of this country have nothing to do with polkas. The men want him back. I want him back. Reinstate the man. Sir, in my heart I know I'm funny. Thank you, Lieutenant. 1 There you are, sir. Don't call me 'sir'. You're back on air, sir. I refuse. What do you mean? You should attend English classes. I refuse. Very attractive man, Abersold. I have noticed. You'll be bored. What will you do? Find a Vietnamese man called Phil. I may stay here and listen to old Pat Boone records. I believe that man is a misunderstood genius. Genius? What are you saying? That I'm through. I'm tired of being gagged. 'This news is unofficial, that's too sarcastic...' I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon. So... Sorry! Is he all right? No, he's not. People don't normally call Pat Boone a genius. Sir! Garlick. Collate these one-minute spots prior to broadcast. You have a problem with that? Absolutely not. I live to collate. Good. So do I. Get a job. A job! (Laughs) 'Get a job' - right! You're cooking now! Sir. Edward. I'd like an explanation. Anything in particular? Lots of people pushed for you. Thousands of guys wrote in to get you reinstated. You owe it to them to get back on air. The army doesn't want me. They've never stopped harassing me. So what? It's the guys in the field that matter. When I told the truth, they kicked me out. Next stop, the battlefield. What you do matters. Forget it. Listen, I give up. Enough bullshit. 'Bye, fellas. Buy you some lunch. Can't let you do that. Listen, if I don't get to my class, there's going to be a bunch of Vietnamese speaking in short, choppy sentences. Look, we gotta talk. Not now, man. Come on. I can't believe you! What? That's it? You're going to leave the whole fucking thing behind? You're gonna leave everything fucking hanging? People are depending on you. Edward, please. That's two nasty words in one year. Forgive me. Wanna give me a ride? You're pissing me off. (Argue in Vietnamese) What's the hold-up? Garlick, lay off. You sound like some priest in a '40s movie. Gentlemen! What are you doing? Hey, guys. Guess who this is. Don't do this shit. Groucho Marx! A Stooge? Guess again. Bag it, Garlick. This fellow here is the gentleman, the one and the only... You're dead. ..king of the airwaves, Adrian Cronauer. Hey, it's Cronauer here. Hey, Cronauer, say 'Good morning, Vietnam.' Gimme a break. It's too hot. Come on! Yeah, come on! We don't know it's Cronauer. OK. I'll give it a shot. Goood morning, Vietnaaam! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE All right! Go get 'em! WHISTLES Glad you came. This is Adrian Cronauer, on at 6 o'clock and 4. Welcome to Vietnam, the country more stimulating than an enema. Fashion report from a Special Forces sergeant. (Camp) This fall, the discerning GI will wear green in the jungle. The leaves falling on the helmet - it says 'yes' to me. Newsflash coming your way now. Dit dit dit dit - we can't afford the teletype. Former President Eisenhower - actually Elmer Fudd - said, 'Thanks, Amewica, it was fun being pwesident.' Gina Lollobrigida has been declared the Italian national mountain range. LAUGHTER, WHISTLES Who knows who sang 'My Guy'? Hi, where are you from? Boston. Who sang 'My Guy'? Can't remember. BEEP! Thanks for playing. You don't win the case of lizard testicles. Thanks anyway. What's your name? Patrick O'Ma...O'Malley. Patrick O-O-O'Malley? Praise God, I don't know! It's the Irish for you. I haven't gotten laid yet. I'm a Catholic boy and I don't know when I'll be getting laid. Where you from? From the Village, New York. From the Village? Well, nice to have you here. Nice to have you here in Vietnam. You obviously just said, 'Well, fuck it ` I'll join the army 'and be with people in green.' What's your name? Jimmy Wilkes. Where are you from? New York. You joined together! 'I got drunk, next thing I know I'm on a truck.' You're both New Yorkers. Where are you going? Nha Trang. Be careful! It's heavy up there. That's like Newark after dark. Like George Wallace campaigning in Harlem. 'Get outta here!' What sort of music do you like? Little Anthony? The Stones! James Brown's better. And the Stones! Mick Jagger is a photo negative of Little Richard. LAUGHTER That accent! 'Orright'. (Mick) These lips - they're moving! They'll flap my eyebrows to death. Look out, everybody, I'm singing! Watch out. All right. Where are you from? Cleveland. Cleveland? Vietnam's no great change for you, then. LAUGHTER You all look like - 'I dunno what's gonna happen!' What's that thing on your helmet? Try it out. Look at this! It says here 'Sizes: Large, Medium and Caucasian.' An Italian party favour. Oh, no, boys and girls! Look at this! Check it out. How big is this? Black man says, 'It's just for the tip.' It's a bathing cap. It's a Vietnamese word - con-dom. Italian moon launch. It almost blew up in my face. There's prophylactic everywhere. It's not pretty - there's rubber all over his face. Be careful. What's your name? Lewis Striker. Thank you, Brother Striker. Shaun Donham. Jay Schneider. Feels like a Mouseketeer Show. Take care. I won't forget you. Say goodbye to the radio star. We're outta here. 'Bye, 'bye, 'bye. (On radio) Gooood morning, Vietnaaam! It's another delightful day in vacation land. (Sings) # Time to get up, get up wherever you are. # That's right, rise and shine. Some songs now for guys on the road to Nha Trang. You know what I mean. O'Malley-O'Malley, the Irish twins. Special song for you. SONG: # I see trees of green # Red roses too # I see them bloom for me and you # And I think to myself # What a wonderful world # I see skies of blue # And clouds of white # The bright blessed day # And the dark sacred night # And I think to myself # What a wonderful world # The colours of the rainbow # So pretty in the sky # Are also on the faces # Of people going by # I see friends shaking hands # Saying, 'How do you do?' # They're really saying, # 'I love you' # I hear babies cry # I watch them grow # They'll learn much more # And I'll never know # And I think to myself # What a wonderful world # Yes... # I think to myself # What a wonderful world # Oh, yeah. # Oh, yeah. That was Louis B. Armstrong - the great Satchmo. They want to interview some GIs in the field, sir? God knows what they'd say. Cronauer's involvement makes me suspicious immediately. Cronauer will definitely be going. Hold on a minute, sir. G2, Corporal Tyser, sir. One moment. Only one route to An Lac. Is it secure? No, sir. It's Victor Charlie, sir. Definitely not friendly? Negative, sir, it's not. It's been hazardous for about 48 hours. Heavily fortified, considered very unsafe. Thank you. I recommend we issue a 24-hour pass. 1 This is where they grow rattan love seeds. God, it's hot. What a country. Heat, humidity, terrorism... Better than New York in summer. How's the cough drop business? We haven't passed many checkpoints since Chon Thanh. You make Vietnamese towns sound like Mexican restaurants. Britain imposed an oil embargo on Rhodesia after its declaration of independence. Gambia and Singapore joined the United Nations. Seretse Khama became premier of Bechuanaland. In sport, All-Star Pete Rose... What will you do after the army? Maybe I can work in a radio station back home. Really? Try something. Give it a go. This is Ed Garlick from Saigon. Give me some real funk. Give it to me. This is Eddie Garlick... Good morning, Vietnam! You're listening to Eddie Kirk on AFRS. A big special... RADIO IN JEEP PLAYS (Soldiers speak in Vietnamese) Heya! Take you home. You come out. Good friends. Take you home. Save now from V-C. Marty Lee Dreiwitz at Cronauer Control Centre. Adrian Cronauer's on temporary assignment and I'm filling in until he arrives. Here's a song from Adrian's playlist. ROCK MUSIC It'll be an exciting day, listening and learning, so please tune in. SONG: # Baby, please don't go Baby, please don't go. (Speaks in Vietnamese) # I love you so Baby, please don't go # Where your mind done gone? # Hey! (Argue in Vietnamese) What's up? I'm trying to find Cronauer. He wasn't at work. Can you help? Listen - we're fighting for YOUR country! WHERE DID CRONAUER GO? His pass say An Lac. An Lac? Shit. You OK? Yeah. Yeah - are you OK? No. Come on. We'll make it. How far have we gone? 10, 15 miles. Have we reached Cambodia yet? How can you fight in this shit? Where are they? Where am I? Can't see dick - like hunting with Ray Charles. It OK! Come out now! I can't find you unless you talk. Too dangerous staying here. You don't believe it's me? OK. Flip them the bird! Tuan? There you are! How did you find us? Your jeep. We're not in Cambodia. SOUND OF ENGINE STALLING Try it again. ENGINE STALLS AGAIN One more time. ENGINE STILL STALLS Damn. Our jeep's blown up, his van won't start. You know why we're back here? Why? Your limp pulls right. We walked in circles. Stick with me. I don't wanna go round again. We're not in Kansas any more, Toto. Listen. DISTANT HELICOPTER Somewhere over there. There it is. YO!! YO!! Down here! Hello, sailor, hello! HEY! To avoid razor burn, always rinse your razor with cold water. Your skin will feel much better. That's 'Hygiene in the Heat'. Welcome back. Thanks. I've missed you. You're out of here. Be ready to leave tomorrow. I'll take this to the authorities. I'm the authorities, moron! I've got your pansy ass in a sling. Who's Tuan? Who's the South Vietnamese boy they found with you and Garlick? A friend who saved my life. Your friend is a V-C terrorist. And my mother's a werewolf. He's also called Phan Duc Toh. He's wanted in connection with several bombings including the one at Jimmy Wah's. Surely you're familiar with that? How does a South Vietnamese boy move around V-C held territory? It's dangerous out there. This boy gets in and out without a scratch. Why were you pulled out of Wah's moments before it blew up? Are you normally not that inquisitive? Friends of Phan Duc Toh. They were executed shortly after this was taken. Your friend is next. You'd better not tangle with me on this one. No one's sympathetic to a serviceman with links to terrorists. The army's quirky that way. A conviction of treason against the US carries some stiff penalties. I have arranged for an honourable discharge provided you leave quietly. Attention. At ease. I'm sorry about this thing. I like what you do. You've helped the men. But facts are facts. I'm not going to cover for you this time, son. Sir, what about the show? We'll handle it. I'm sorry, son. Why did you do this? I don't like your style, your politics or sense of humour. From now on, the men will hear what they're supposed to hear. You're on a DC8 tomorrow at 1830 hours. I recommend you pack quietly. That's all I have for you. You need a blow job more than any man in history. DOOR CLOSES Put the brakes on. I wanted to talk with you. I'm transferring you. Transferring me? Mmm-hmm. Where to, sir? You're going to Guam. There's nothing happening there! Why Guam? Dick, I've covered for you many times but you're not crazy, you're mean. And this is just radio. 'You need a blow job more than any man.' That's funny! When are you teaching us? We've got to talk. Now, come on! Tell me where your brother is. I don't know. His life is in danger. I don't... Bullshit! No more games, OK? The army knows about Tuan. They're making me leave Vietnam. If they find him they'll shoot him. Take me to him now! Phan Duc Toh! Get back here! I know about the bombings. No wonder you hauled ass. You were my friend. I trusted you. Do you hear me? You're a naive man, Cronauer. You were stupid. It's better that you go. That's not the fucking point! Understand me? I fucked to get you into that bar, and you blow the fucking place up! Listen, I gave you my friendship, my trust. Now they tell me my best friend's the enemy. What is enemy? You're killing my people. We're not the enemy, you are. You used me to kill people. Two people died in that fucking bar. My mother is dead. My other brother, who'd be 29 years old, he's dead. Shot by Americans. My neighbour, dead. His wife, dead. Why? Because we're not human to them. We're only Vietnamese. And I still saved your bullshit life. Wait. We're here to help this country. Where the fuck you gone?! Unbelievable! Five months in Saigon and my best friend's a V-C. This will not look good on a resume! 1 Can I drive? Go ahead. CRUNCHING SOUND If the engine's humming, it's already started. Can we make a little unscheduled stop? If you deviate from the schedule you're under arrest. OK, everybody, let's play ball! Over that fence. OK, here we go. It's a daiquiri. A little conference. Time out, everyone. A real baseball is smaller and harder than this. I'm sorry, I've got to get on a plane. Give me your hand. Thank you. Thank you all the same. Take the ball. No. We need a pitcher. I'm returning the ball. OK, this one's a better one. No. Not that? We haven't got the money for a real baseball. Is that one OK? It's a very good substitute. Let's just play with that. OK. It's a deal. I'll pay you to pitch. No. No? I'm sorry. I have no money. Get a psychiatrist! Whoa! Yeah! Go! Run, run, run! He had both hands on the ball. Yeah, go! Run! She's going home! SONG: # I'm going out west where I belong # Where days are short and nights are long # Where they walk and I'll walk # They twist and I'll twist # They shimmy and I'll shimmy # They fly and I'll fly # Well, they're out there having fun # In that warm California sun # I'm going out west to the coast # California girls are really the most # Where they walk and I'll walk # They twist and I'll twist # They shimmy and I'll shimmy # They fly and I'll fly # They're out there having fun # In that warm California sun. # I'll miss you. We'll write to you. We will some day. (Speaks Vietnamese) Thank you. We thank you for your fine teaching about softball. We've learned a lot. We wish you luck and success. Thank you. Thank you. Give me a minute. He's saying goodbye to the whole country. I want to say goodbye before you go. To tell you, thank you for being so kind. So many things not happen the way you want them. You are so good person but I could not with you. We are so different. I say tomato, you say kaitomat. See you. CRUNCHING SOUND It staggers the imagination. I'm unique. What a plus. (Shouts in Vietnamese) It was a pleasure meeting you. Thanks. We're the same rank. What'll I do without you? Carry on, Montesquieu. (Mimics) Carry on, Montesquieu. I like that. It makes me feel British. I've got something for you. Play this. It says goodbye to everybody. I will. It's trouble. Trouble is actually my new middle name. Now I'll punch your shoulder. It's a stupid thing to do. You take care. Ed, your fly's open. Made you look. Gooood morning, Vietnaaam! This is Eddie Garlick live from AFRS - Armed Forces Radio Saigon. It's 1621. Adrian Cronauer's going home today. He left a farewell message for you. So, without further ado, here's a farewell extravaganza. Goodbye, Vietnam! That's right, I'm history. I got the lucky ticket home. (Sings) # Keep them wagons rolling Rawhide! # The final Adrian Cronauer broadcast brought to you by the Pentagon, the people who brought you Korea. If it's being done correctly, the army's not involved. (Nixon character) 'I heard that.' Oh, you're here. 'I'll make sure you don't say anything controversial.' Is it true about the marijuana problem in Vietnam? 'It's not a problem - everybody has it.' (Camp) 'I don't know. 'Adrian, take care of yourself. 'If you're dressing in civilian clothes don't forget pumps.' Thank you, Leo. These are special. 'Put them on and say, 'There's no place like home.'' I hope we all go home. Supertext Subtitles Copyright 1992 Australian Caption Centre www.able.co.NZ Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017