LOUDSPEAKER CHIMES MAN: Your attention, please. Flight 217 from Venice, Italy, now arriving at Gate 34. Please claim all baggage from carousel number 2. FUNKY MUSIC SONG: # I don't need no TV # I don't need no news # All I need is a bumping beat # To bump away my blues... # Able 2017 (Gasps) Hot! Hot! (Laughs) (Growls) # Boom, bing, boom, bang, bang # Boom, bing, boom, bang, bang # Oooh, do your thing # Oooh, do your thing # Make my body dance # Oooh, do your thing # Oooh, do your thing... # (Shrieks) I'll be by tomorrow for my stuff. Oh, call first, 'cause I might be having sex with a complete stranger! (Sighs) Cheese and rice! Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! Boy, you got it in there, didn't you, honey? Thank you SO MUCH! (Sighs) I need a ride. Get out of my way. SINISTER MUSIC (Starts car) ENGINE REVS Oooh! Get in! TENSE MUSIC Try and keep it on the road, for a change. Can't you get it any closer? I don't wanna scratch the paint. What are you do here, Tom Leezak? Just open the gate, Yuan. You and Tom not together anymore. JUST OPEN THE GATE, YUAN! OK. ENGINE REVS LOUDLY, TYRES SCREECH SOARING MUSIC That one looks heavy. Get that junk wagon out of here. Right away, princess! Not one word. Are Mom and Dad home? No. They're at the emphysema ball. Don't worry, Peewee, we'll get this Tom mess cleaned up. GENTLE MUSIC (Gently) Sarah. (Sighs) SONG: # I want to feel something better... # (Reproachfully) Kyle. (Snores) Kyle? Kyle. OK. I'm home, so... you can leave whenever you want. MACHINE BEEPS SARAH: Hi, this is Tom and Sarah, and we can't come to the phone right now because we're honeymooning in Europe...yay! TOM: Send a large wedding gift or we won't call you back. I'm serious. MACHINE BEEPS MAN: Tom? Kyle. I got your message. I'm sorry the honeymoon sucked. Anyway, don't wig - I'll set up lodging in your place, and when you get back we'll do some Budweiser therapy. MACHINE BEEPS MAN: Hi, Sarah. It's Peter. I thought I might catch you in. And Tom, if you're listening, buddy, I feel your pain. MACHINE BEEPS So, where you been, man? You're on in five. I walked. Had to clear my head. So? What happened? Well, I had the perfect relationship that was ruined by marriage. I mean, you saw it, right? We were perfect from the minute we met. Right? Yeah. In fact...it was nauseating. Thank you, Fred. REFLECTIVE MUSIC Boom! 28! Boom! 28! Watch the 1! Watch the 1! And...hut! I'm open! I'm open! Football! Huh? Oh. Sorry! Are you OK? Yeah. You had nothing on it. (Chuckles) ROCK MUSIC Cheers, Sarah McNerney. Cheers, Tom Leezak. So, what do you do when you're not Joe Montana? I work at KNR Radio, "your traffic information station". So, I have myself a real live radio host, then? Oh, someday I'll be that guy. Sports, hopefully. But right now, I just do spot traffic reports. On the graveyard shift. Every other week. When the full-time guy's sick. You're THAT Tom? Yeah. You actually heard me on the air? Yeah, I called in about a week ago, like, 3am. You said the Pasadena Freeway was all clear, so I took it, and got stuck behind a jack-knifed big rig for, like, three hours. Yeah. Sarah from Beverly Hills. Who called me a... fathead. We got pretty heated. Very heated. So, 3am? It's a bit past your bedtime now. How do you know my bedtime? I was wrapping at an auction. I'm a gofer at Sotheby's. Beverly Hills, Sotheby's - let me guess. Marketing major, Stanford, smarty-pants in the front row. Art history major, Wellesley, back row. Back row? Sweet! Me too. Communications, Burbank Community College. You wanna hear the fight song? No, thank you. Are you sure? I'm really good at it. No, thanks. It's a good choice. McNerney. You're not, by any chance, daughter of Dan McNerney, part-owner of the Lakers and Dodgers McNerney...? I'll take that as a yes. You ready to get your ass kicked at eight ball, Leezak? (Laughs) You are dreaming, Wellesley. I went to day care in a pool hall. Ha! Pretty confident there, huh, fathead? SONG: # It doesn't mean anything without you... # Bags, shh! Shh! # And I can try to justify # But I still need you here with me # In my heart, I had hope # Built on dreams I'll never know # Answers to love left behind # Visions filled my head # But trapped didn't seem so bad # 'Cause you were near... # Wow. # 'Cause you were near... # Wow. Yeah. TOM: And that was it. A month later, we moved in together. And why the hell did we get married when we had loving each other so completely nailed? I dunno. 10 seconds. Well, why does anyone get married? Does it make sense to be with one person for your entire life? (Stammers) People change! They grow! You're on, Tom! Maybe we'd still be together if I'd gotten the proposal right, but...nup! (Smoothly) This is Tom Leezak with KNR traffic at 2.06am. At this hour, there are approximately seven vehicles on all Southland freeways, so, if you feel like skateboarding down the 405, she's wide open. Stay tuned for another traffic update in 10 minutes on KNR, your traffic information station. And... we're out. Look here, Tom. You've gotta focus, alright, man? Forget about proposals. Forget about marriage, alright? (Grunts) Bags? Do you have to grunt ALL the time? It's like... a little pig with hair. Would you...oh, look at me, I'm just a cute little doggie. I'm the cutest in the whole world. Throw the ball for me! I'll pull on your leg all day. Bags! Seriously, I will... Bags, I mean it. Arggh! Look. Fetch. (Whimpers) BRAKES SCREECH SARAH: It wasn't like Bags to chase pigeons. This pigeon was cruel. It was... Bagsy just... (Whistles) ...just went for him. He was taunting. And squawking. Squawking? And squawking. Squawking? Squawking. I mean, at first, it was more of a purring. (Coos) You know how they... (Coos) You know, I mean, Bags was, you know, it got his attention. He had a low tolerance for those kind of annoyances. But then, it turned into this, like, shrill... (Shrieks) (Shrieks) You're lying. What? You're lying. What? Your nostrils always flare when you lie. Flare! Flare! They're not...flaring. I'm not lying! Honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just really overwhelmed. You promise me we'll never lie to each other? It's a promise. (Whispers) I love you so much. Listen, Sarah... I wanna marry you, Tom Leezak. I wanna marry you too. FUNKY WEDDING MARCH YUAN: Why you bring Dodge to front? Park at service entrance. Open the gate, Yuan. OK. (Both laugh) Here we go! Whoo! (Giggles) (Tom hums the 'Wedding March') CLOCK CHIMES SOFTLY Well, well, well. (Laughs nervously) What a surprise! (Laughs nervously) (Chuckles nervously) Oh, welcome to the family, Tom. Thank you, Mrs McNerney. Oh, you can call me 'Pussy' now. Thank you... ...Pussy. Well, wonderful. Wonderful! Yuan, champagne for everybody! Knock it off, Dickie! Peewee. My youngest daughter. (Chuckles) You little rebel. And, you, Tom Leezak. You're... Well...wonderful surprise. (Chuckles) Thank you, Mr McNerney. I... I just hope that I can be... ...just all that I can... be. In this... family. CLOCK TICKS Well... I love Sarah. That's all I need to know. (Sighs) Well, you really missed the boat, didn't you, Prentiss? (Sighs) Well, you really missed the boat, didn't you, Prentiss? Yes, I did, Dan. You bet your ass you did. I should've been courting Sarah instead of doing 19-hour days at the office. Anyway, congratulations... (Laughs) ..to both of you. Seriously, from...from my heart. Thank you, Peter. You're a lucky man. Hey. I know that. Grab a flute of bubbly and rise. Everybody ready? Why is Peter Prentiss here? Everybody ready? Why is Peter Prentiss here? Dad's doing a business deal with him. Alright. Dad's doing a business deal with him. Alright. Health, wealth, happiness! deal with him. Alright. Health, wealth, happiness! (All) Health, wealth, happiness! Alright. Peewee, 10 yard out. Leezak, give me a 5-yard slant. You got this, man? Don't worry about it. Calm down. What do you mean, 'calm down'? Hey, why do bad things happen to good people, Father? Where's that in your book? She's very determined, you know. She's very determined. Look, he's a Polack. He's a Polack. I know that, and I warned you. Let's see what Leezak's packing. I know that, and I warned you. Let's see what Leezak's packing. Ready? Alright. And...break! On one. Ready? SARAH AND PAUL: Break! You girls ready for this? DOWN! SET! Remember those... Oooh! (Wheezes) That was a hard one. That was a tough one. (Groans) YEAH! That's what I'm talking about. What are you doing, Willie? I slipped! (Groans) I still got my flag. I'm good. I'm good. Oh, my Peewee. Always moving so fast. Oh, you move in together after a month, live together for nine months, and... ...now you're engaged. Oh, I know you love him, but, you know, sometimes it takes more than love to sustain a marriage. (Sighs) You... you need to be old enough to know who you are and what you want, and who HE is! Oh, Momma - Momma, he's wild and spontaneous and hysterical, and offbeat, and, on top of all that, he's centred, and he's down-to-earth. He's everything I want. And we have this passion for each other that's just...oooh! (Chuckles) I'm jealous. (Laughs) (Giggles) Alright - first thing tomorrow... ...we're gonna plan this wedding! Alright - first thing tomorrow... ...we're gonna plan this wedding! (Shrieks) QUIRKY MUSIC Hey, you. So, I guess everyone thinks that we're crazy for doing this. Hey, when did we start caring about what other people think? Well, are you sure that you don't wanna... marry a guy like Peter? If I wanted to know exactly what my life would be from here on out, I would marry a guy like Peter. But I love not knowing. I love our messy loft. Your beater car. I love our messy loft. Your beater car. (Both chuckle) I wanna start a life with you. KNOCK AT DOOR DAN: Sarah? I wanna start a life with you. KNOCK AT DOOR DAN: Sarah? (Whispers) Go, go, go! Hi, Daddy. Peewee... ...marriage is like a business investment. Its... its long-term viability is best established unemotionally. a business investment. Its... its long-term viability is best established unemotionally. Bottom line, Daddy? We love each other. That is all that matters. (Coughs) QUIRKY MUSIC Leezak. (Clears throat) Night, sir. (Whimpers) ANIMATED CONVERSATION MAN: Congratulations, Mr Leezak! MAN: Big Daddy Leezak's in the house! Oh, I hope she doesn't spook on you, man. What do you mean? I love Sarah, don't get me wrong, but... rich chicks spook. It's a powerful daddy plus family money equals...expectations. Expectations are like a fungal rot on a marriage. Our marriage is not gonna have a fungal rot. We're gonna be happily married, every day for the rest of our lives. Unless she finds out that you slaughtered her dog. (Laughs) Oh, don't worry. I'll take that to my grave. ANIMATED CONVERSATION OK. If you change your mind at the altar, just pass out. I'm not going to change my mind. OK. If you change your mind at the altar, just pass out. I'm not going to change my mind. OK. I'm just saying - if you do, just hit the floor. Thank you, alright, but it's not gonna happen. (Laughs) So, you're sure you're ready to give up your grazing rights? not gonna happen. (Laughs) So, you're sure you're ready to give up your grazing rights? I'm not a grazer, Kyle. But what if you became one later in life? I mean, over the next 10 years, you're giving up five hay rides per year. So, I can either be happily married to Sarah, or have 50 one-night stands. Minimum! That's not even a choice. OK, OK. Let's move on. Are there any chicks you didn't have that you wish you had? You are, like, the worst best man ever! I can't believe she invited Prentiss! worst best man ever! I can't believe she invited Prentiss! Hey, man. She ever hook up with that yahoo? Uh... they went backpacking in Europe once. It was after high school. I don't think anything happened. in Europe once. It was after high school. I don't think anything happened. Whoa! You're getting married, and she didn't share the roster? She shared the roster. THUNDER CRASHES Merrick and Bruce. What about Prentiss? THUNDER CRASHES And you never asked again? I won. It's irrelevant. Oh! OK. As long as you're OK with a bogus roster. It's not a bogus roster. Is he on, or is he off? He's... Shut up. Huh? Huh? (Both laugh) And you could've had Peter. (Both laugh) And you could've had Peter. I DID have Peter. It wasn't that hot, OK? (Laughs) Excuse me? I was in Seattle helping on an appraisal. I ran into Peter, we went out. I drank way too much, and before I knew it, we'd... ...tussled. before I knew it, we'd... ...tussled. You BAD girl! I wanted to tell Tom so many times, but he gets so jealous, you know? Listen. It doesn't matter that he doesn't know. It's not like you guys were married, and even if you were... that he doesn't know. It's not like you guys were married, and even if you were... No, no, no. It matters to me. It's like living a lie. I cannot live a lie. There will always be this big, fat elephant in the room with us. I cannot live a lie. There will always be this big, fat elephant in the room with us. Listen, Peewee. NEVER tell him. It's time to go, Sarah. Come on! Got everything? Got your...good. How you holding up? Yes. Pussy's a mess. I'm just telling you right now, be prepared. ORGAN PLAYS WEDDING MARCH GENTLE MUSIC (Giggles) Wait. Hurry up! (Shrieks) Ow! Oh! Are you OK? (Giggles) Yes. This threshold thing isn't as easy as it looks. (Laughs) Daddy got the BIG suite! (Laughs) Yeah, he did. We're really married! We're really, really, really, really married! For ever and ever. (Laughs) Do you feel like... it? (Laughs) Do you feel like... it? I dunno. Do you? (Nervously) Oh... I'm kinda tired. Me too. (Laughs nervously) (Chuckles) OK. Yeah. OK. (Laughs) (Sighs) Yeah. OK. (Laughs) (Sighs) What's the matter? It's our wedding night, and we don't wanna have sex. What's the matter? It's our wedding night, and we don't wanna have sex. (Quietly) No. It's OK. We're tired. It's fine. Yeah, maybe it's just that this is our wedding day, and it's something I've fantasised about my whole life... ORGAN PLAYS WEDDING MARCH ...and now it's over. (Sobs) Did you have wedding fantasies when you were a little boy? THEME FROM 'STAR WARS' PLAYS Kinda. THEME FROM 'STAR WARS' PLAYS Kinda. (Sobs) Oh, honey. Oh, my God! Tomorrow my parents are gonna know I'm not a virgin anymore. (Sobs) Oh, honey. Oh, my God! Tomorrow my parents are gonna know I'm not a virgin anymore. Sarah. Oh, you haven't been a virgin since college! Sarah. Oh, you haven't been a virgin since college! I know! I know! But tomorrow they're gonna know for SURE that I'm not a virgin. And they're gonna know that you deflowered me. Oh, God! Oh, no! (Giggles) Oh, honey. 'Deflowered'? That's what my mom always called it. My mommy... Oh, Sarah. (Sobs) Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey. Hey. I love you, OK? And we have our entire lives to have sex. So, it's OK if we don't do it tonight. OK? (Laughs) Now I kind of feel like it. (Chuckles) Really? (Giggles) Yeah. That was a sexy speech. Um... you know. I turn it on every once in a while. Oooh! Bloody nose! Bloody nose! Oooh...hello, hello, hello. Hello. (Groans) (Laughs) You've been mine for one night, and you're falling apart already. I'm not gonna have to trade you in, am I? Oh, right. OK. There you go. Just like that. It'll stop the bleeding. (Chuckles) I look like a chimp. You look gorgeous. (Murmurs) Let's go, sleepy. (Sleepily) I love you. I love you too, baby. GENTLE MUSIC (Gasps) Sweetie, our plane leaves in an hour. Argh! (Groans in pain) OK, so that wasn't the smoothest start to a honeymoon. But tomorrow we will be at the foot of the Alps at the Hotel du Reve. Yes, we will. It's gonna be totally perfect. (Whispers) Yes! It sounds totally perfect. But I can't wait until then. WOMAN ON INTERCOM: ..and comfortable as they can. So, please don't hesitate to ask if there's anything you need. A complimentary beverage cart will be making its way through the cabin... Jimmy crack corn. Close it, bitch! There's a lock for a reason, Junior. I'm claustrophobic, OK? Do we have a problem? No. No problem. (Laughs) No. We're just waiting. Yeah. Mm-hm. (Giggles) TOILET FLUSHES Mexican food. That's an oxymoron. (Gasps) Sweet Lord, where does that come from? Let's just wait. Oh, my God. WOMAN ON INTERCOM: ..expecting some turbulence, and has turned on the 'fasten seatbelt' sign, kindly return to your seats. (Gasps) OK. Breathe through your mouth. Breathe through your mouth. Breathe through your mouth. Just do it. (Hisses) Just do it. FUNKY MUSIC OK, OK, OK, let me just... Whoo! (Laughs) (Laughs) OK. This is gonna work. This is gonna work. Let me...I might step on... This is gonna work. Let me...I might step on... That's perfect. (Giggles) OK. What? The crapper's got my foot. Oh. (Laughs) OK, wait. Let me help. OK. One...two...three. LAUGHTER Return to your seats, please. LAUGHTER Return to your seats, please. Be right out! OK. Here we go. Ready? OK. One...two...three. Return to your seats NOW, please. OK. One...two...three. Return to your seats NOW, please. Beat it, stew! Return... Playtime is over, children. (Laughs) (Screams) Return to your seats! Do you hear me?! Oh, let's flush it. I'll pull. TOILET FLUSHES Get...get it out! The captain has turned on the 'fasten seatbelt' sign! Get...get it out! The captain has turned on the 'fasten seatbelt' sign! Wait, wait. Here, just...ready? One, two... One, two, three! (Shrieks) (Groans) MAN ON INTERCOM: Mesdames et messieurs... Well, there's something we can tell the grandchildren about. Mesdames et messieurs... Well, there's something we can tell the grandchildren about. Great story for the kids. Bonjour. How you doing there, chief? Can we get the, uh... le car for Leezak? How you doing there, chief? Can we get the, uh... le car for Leezak? (Giggles) Bonjour. Ah... les reservations sont pour Leezak. (Giggles) Bonjour. Ah... les reservations sont pour Leezak. Ah, oui, Mademoiselle. You never told me you spoke French. sont pour Leezak. Ah, oui, Mademoiselle. You never told me you spoke French. It was that summer abroad. I backpacked through Europe. Ah, here we are, for Mr and...Mrs Leezak. There must be some mistake, no? Mr and...Mrs Leezak. There must be some mistake, no? No, no mistake. Mr and Mrs. What the hell? These sportscasts are two days old. No, no mistake. Mr and Mrs. What the hell? These sportscasts are two days old. So? You know if I don't have a current sports section to work with, it ruins my whole day, starting with my morning dump. Honey, there's gonna be satellite TV in the hotel. Oh. (Giggles) Et voila! Oh. (Giggles) Et voila! Ah. Wonder what kind of wheels we got. I'm telling you, this is not the car! I specifically ordered a compact. This is a European compact. No, this is a Ringling Brothers compact. I've owned Tonka Trucks bigger than this car. I mean, honey, I looked at the brochure, and... (Stammers) ..there was a Fiesta on the cover, not a Bingo. Oh. Baby needs a great BIG car to make him happy. (Laughs) Well, we could really use the Dodge about now. (Mimics gruffly) Oh, we could really use the Dodge about now. What was that? You just sound so American. (Gruffly) Oh, we could really use a Dodge about now. (Grunts) Oh, can you hand me my sports section and a beer with that? Thank you very much, ma'am. (Snickers) Are you mocking me? (Giggles) No. Baby, just floor it! I AM flooring it. If I pushed any harder, my foot would blow through the floor, and we'd be Flintstoning our asses there. would blow through the floor, and we'd be Flintstoning our asses there. Oooh! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Turn here! TRUCK HORN BLARES BRAKES SCREECH You OK? Yeah. You? Yeah. If you had told me about the turn maybe BEFORE we passed it, I wouldn't have had to pull such a NASCAR evasive manoeuvre. I was busy looking at the map! Somebody had to navigate! Listen to us. We sound like an old married couple. Never again. GENTLE MUSIC Just for the record, why did I almost get us killed back there? GENTLE MUSIC Just for the record, why did I almost get us killed back there? Because that's our hotel. (Giggles) (Chuckles) It looks like a castle. (Whispers) It IS a castle. (Giggles) (Chuckles) It looks like a castle. (Whispers) It IS a castle. And that's precisely why it looks like one. Let's go. OK. (Giggles) (Laughs) Oh. (Both gasp) This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Let's go. WONDROUS MUSIC Baby, look. It comes with free nuns. Bonjour! Bonjour. Bonjour. Merci. Bonjour. Merci. Bonjour. Bonjour! Merci. Bonjour. Bonjour. Merci. Ah! Bonjour! Bonjour. BOTH: Merci! BOTH: Bonjour. Merci. Bonjour! Bonjour. Pardon! BOTH: Merci! BOTH: Bonjour! Merci! Vous etes Americains? Oui. Welcome to Hotel du Reve. I am Henri Margot. Oui. Welcome to Hotel du Reve. I am Henri Margot. Nous sommes Sarah et Tom Leezak. Leezak? No. The honeymooners? Oui. Oui. No. BOTH: Oui! Why? So fresh and young to have marriage! No? BOTH: No. I almost forget. Oooh! Presents. (Reads) "Congratulations Have a wonderful honeymoon. Love...Peter." That's a platonic love. Forget about Peter. Here. Please enjoy. Room haut - upstairs. Francois! (Gives instruction in French) (Giggles) Bonjour! Merci! (Giggles) Oh! (Laughs) Tell me this isn't your fantasy. Oh! (Laughs) Tell me this isn't your fantasy. (Laughs) This is better than my fantasy! Tell me this isn't your fantasy. (Laughs) This is better than my fantasy! Good. 'Cause we're paying out the ass for it. Honey, just for the record, when you talk about money, especially in reference to it coming out of your hiney, it sort of kills the romance of the moment. Right. Sorry. (Clears throat) Now, fight your deep urge to be cheap, and give the bellboy a large tip. Hey. Do you guys, uh, provide satellite TV? TV in bar. provide satellite TV? TV in bar. So, there's no TV in this room? TV in bar. (Gasps) Ask him if they have ESPN. TV in bar. (Gasps) Ask him if they have ESPN. (Speaks French) (Laughs) He said the TV's in the bar. Mmm. DOOR CLOSES He also said that if he were here with me, he wouldn't be concerned with TV. (Chuckles) He makes a point. Oh! I gotta call Mom and Dad. Talk about killing the romance. Oh! I gotta call Mom and Dad. Talk about killing the romance. I told 'em I'd call. It'll just take a minute. Hi, Mom? It's Peewee! (Giggles) Oooh! Say hi to Pussy for me. Tom says hello. Yeah. Oh, it's so great. Uh-huh. (Reads) "To Tom and Sarah. Enhance thy honeymoon. Love, Kyle." I'll call you later, Mom. 'Bye. Cheese and rice! Is that a Thunderstick A200? Since when did you become the expert? I told you about that night I had in college. You didn't tell me about the hardware! night I had in college. You didn't tell me about the hardware! Getting a visual? We gotta charge this thing! (Chuckles) Mmm. That plug won't fit in a European outlet. (Chuckles) Mmm. That plug won't fit in a European outlet. I'll make it fit. (Scoffs) Come on. Honey, don't force it. BANG! BANG! Hey... EXPLOSION (Hysterically) Are you OK? Are you OK? Holy dude. Jesus! Whoa. Good thing that didn't happen when we were using it. ALARM BELL RINGS Oh, God. (Man on intercom speaks French) Come on! Come on, Thunderstick! Oh, no! OK, just leave that. DUB MUSIC PLAYS, PHONE PINGS Hey, the others wanna hang out. Um... Are you sure it's OK if I get a ride? Yeah, yeah. Dad said it's fine. I'm putting on some music. OK. BOTH CHUCKLE, CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS Dad! OK, I'm gonna change it. Sorry, but... Yeah. OK. Ooh yeah. Yeah. Turn it up. DUB MUSIC PLAYS, PHONE PINGS Hey, the others wanna hang out. Um... Hey! BOTH LAUGH ALL: # It's time to cut and run. It's time to... TYRES SCREECH # It's time to cut and run. It's time to cut and run. # Oh my God. Get off! Yeah! It's so obvious. So wasted. TRUCK HORN BLARES, GIRLS SCREAM, LAUGH (LAUGHS) TV BEEPS I'll probably drop Libby home after dance so she doesn't have to walk home in the dark. Thanks, Dad. I'll be home a little bit after 10, not too late. I love you guys. Yeah, all good, love. ALARM CONTINUES (Men laugh) (All chatter in French) My grandparents installed the wiring in the hotel before World War... First! It worked fine until you young kids had to bring out your toys and ignore the sign! The... That is the... the... That's in French, for Christ's sakes. That's because we're in France! Is there anything we can do? Pay the damages. (Chuckles) Hold on there, Jock. Je m'appelle Henri Margot. Whatever! Look, this hotel gets guests from all over the world. It's your responsibility to put some American on your signs. He means English. Sarah! (Mouths) I'm trying to negotiate. Sarah! (Mouths) I'm trying to negotiate. So I must make my hotel of dreams like every other Howard Johnson's, with a bright orange roof?! It wouldn't hurt! (Speaks angrily in French) Cochon what? It wouldn't hurt! (Speaks angrily in French) Cochon what? Stupid American pig. (Speaks angrily in French) Cochon what? Stupid American pig. (Gasps with rage) Yeah? Well, that...I guess that makes you a...stupid French... ..frog! Oh, yeah. I said it. Frog! YOU GET OUT OF MY HOTEL DU REVE! ..frog! Oh, yeah. I said it. Frog! YOU GET OUT OF MY HOTEL DU REVE! I wouldn't stay in this dump if you PAID US! Let's go to the ho-jo's, honey. There are no ho-jo's here, Tom. Sarah! Please. There is a farm up the road. And they have a nice PIGSTY for you! Yeah?! Well, maybe they'll have a nice little bulldozer, and we can finish this place off, tough guy! And your credit card bill will be a fat one, Mr Tough Guy! Yeah?! Well, we're keeping the champagne and the cheese, jockstrap! Let's go, honey. What's wrong? Where are we gonna stay, Tom? Don't worry. This is, like, a vacation zone. We'll find a place! Now, get your shit. Let's go. THUNDER CRASHES What's the next place? The next hotel with no vacancy would be... ...Schlaf Hildenvindergalt. The next hotel with no vacancy would be... ...Schlaf Hildenvindergalt. How far is it? no vacancy would be... ...Schlaf Hildenvindergalt. How far is it? 120km. In miles, please! 74.4. You multiply by 0.6. (Laughs) I'm learning so much. Oh, me too, me too. THUNDER CRASHES Let me guess. This is great. This is just what we need. Do you want me to drive? Honey, I can drive in the snow. HORN BLARES TURN OFF YOUR BRIGHTS, JACKASS! ENGINE CRANKS Great. Now we get to freeze to death. Now, look...we'll just... We'll sleep in here, and we'll dig out in the morning. I'm so glad I get to hear the phrase "we'll dig out" on my honeymoon. Yeah. Why don't you just get it over with now and blame me. Well, if you hadn't insulted Henri at the hotel, then we wouldn't be spending the evening in a snowball. I'm sorry - next time, I'll try to be a little bit more refined like your friend, Peter. Goodnight, Tom. Goodnight, Sarah. Great. There's no tilt wheel. (Laughs) Are you gonna hate me forever? (Laughs) Are you gonna hate me forever? Hmm... I don't know. Hmm... Hmm... wanna get drunk and make out? Well, that's not gonna get me drunk. But we can make out. We... (Laughs) ..could get injured doing this... I'll settle for a cuddle. Just let me get this shifter out of my ass. get injured doing this... I'll settle for a cuddle. Just let me get this shifter out of my ass. OK. (Laughs) WONDROUS MUSIC BIRD CALLS TOM: Sarah? It's morning. (Groans) It's morning. (Groans) (Groans) WONDROUS MUSIC (Grunts) Come on! (Both laugh excitedly) Oh, it's... Oh, my God! Oh! It's beautiful! Let's just stay here for the rest of the trip! Oh! It's beautiful! Let's just stay here for the rest of the trip! Fine with me. Hey! Excuse me?! Little help here?! Hey! Hi! Blue car! Blue car! Oh! Hey, it worked. YODELLING MUSIC ENGINE REVS SONG: # ..along Singing a song... # We can catch the two o'clock train to Venice, and go straight to the Gianna. No, our reservation isn't till Tuesday. Gianna. No, our reservation isn't till Tuesday. So we'll stay a few extra days. I just put an entire castle on credit. We can't afford to stay at the Gianna for a few extra days. I'll call my dad and he'll lend us the money. No. No, there's no possible way I'm taking money from your dad. he'll lend us the money. No. No, there's no possible way I'm taking money from your dad. Pride is the crutch of the insecure. You're not taking the money. I am taking the money. Pride is the crutch of the insecure. You're not taking the money. I am taking the money. We don't need to take the money. This is about us now. Listen, my dad told me about this nice little pensione in Venice... This is about us now. Listen, my dad told me about this nice little pensione in Venice... Pensione? Grosse Scheisse haus. Excuse me, could you just...drive? nice little pensione in Venice... Pensione? Grosse Scheisse haus. Excuse me, could you just...drive? Please, just let me call my dad. Please? No! This is our honeymoon - not his. So, it's fine to just stay at some pensione that your father recommended. We're staying at Pensione Funicello, and we're gonna have a good time. recommended. We're staying at Pensione Funicello, and we're gonna have a good time. I can't take this anymore! Honeymoons are supposed to be all champagne and room service and lovemaking! We haven't made love! And no, no, no - what do we get? Evicted from a 5-star hotel! And I'm yelling at you! We're yelling at each other! Only we're not yelling at each other! I'm the one yelling, and I'm sorry, and I wanna go home! Maybe we should go home. I know this honeymoon hasn't been perfect. (Scoffs) But the pensione's gonna be fine. Look, we'll check in, sleep late, eat pasta, gaze out at the Piazza del... something, something. It's gonna be heaven. ROMANTIC MUSIC Pensione Funicello? Si, si. Are you sure this is correcto? Si, si. How bad could it be? BABY WAILS Oh, crap! BABY WAILS Oh, crap! DOG BARKS WOMAN RANTS, CAT HOWLS Hey... ...we're in this together, right? Do you have four men staring at your boobies right now? Che bella. (Speaks Italian) No. (Farts) (Both laugh) (Woman farts) (Farts) (Farts) (Laughs and gasps) BELL TOLLS Yeah...this...you know...we'll...try it for one night, and if we don't... BELL TOLLS Yeah...this...you know...we'll...try it for one night, and if we don't... Live. ...like it... ..we'll, you know, go somewhere nicer tomorrow. Grazie. Grazie. (Laughs) COMICAL MUSIC (Laughs) This is actually happening! (Laughs) We're never gonna forget this honeymoon. (Laughs) Uh-uh. (Giggles) Oh! (Both laugh) (Giggles) (Both scream) Uh... COMICAL MUSIC Sorry. Buonasera. BANGING AND MOANING (Man speaks foreign language) (Both laugh) Think we should show those pizones how it's done? Cockroach! Cockroach! Cockroach! (Screams) Honey! Oh, no! OK! OK! OK! (Sobs) Let's get out of here! OK! OK! OK! (Sobs) Let's get out of here! (Screams) We're checking out! We're checking out! Get him off! Get him off me! (Screams) We're checking out! Get him off! Get him off me! (Screams) (Screams) We're checking out of here! We're checking out! (Screams) We're checking out of here! We're checking out! Thanks for the help, Daddy. I miss YOU! OK. 'Bye! Honey, he wants to talk to you. Can't you just tell him thank you from all of us here at the gorgeous Gianna? Shh! Hello, there, Mr McNerney! Shh! Hello, there, Mr McNerney! Please bear in mind that our daughter loves him, Dan. Listen, Leezak, I don't expect a cracker like you to ever measure up to anything approaching what I consider a good match for my daughter, but I expect you to pay me back, in full, just as soon as that silly-assed radio show of yours yields any kind of reasonable income. Goodbye, cracker. Assbag! What was that? He called me a cracker! A cracker, honey. He called me a cracker! A cracker, honey. He did not! (Laughs) What? That surprises you? I mean, your dad hates me. (Mimics) "Well! Wonderful! Wonderful!" He's got your whole family praying that this marriage fails. That's not fair! Mom's never said a bad word about you! Wow! Pussy's never insulted me! Now I feel loved! Like your father's never judged me? me! Now I feel loved! Like your father's never judged me? No. He hasn't. Not once. CRICKETS CHIRRUP Maybe we should just have sex. CRICKETS CHIRRUP Maybe we should just have sex. Call me crazy, but I'm just not in the mood to make love. Humph. I'm not either. But we haven't had sex once since we've been married, and there is something very, very wrong with that. (Laughs) I have to tell you... Why are you laugh...? It's not funny! (Laughs) I'm sorry. I'm concerned. Let's go to sleep, get a good rest. We'll sightsee tomorrow. Be fresh in the morning! Fine. And then we'll have sex. At Vodafone we're giving you better broadband ` with Neon on us for a year. That's unlimited access to movies for the whole family and all the hit TV shows from around the world on us. Unlock your year of Neon today. Simply sign up to any Unlimited Broadband Data plan for 12 months. Call Vodafone now to sign up. POP MUSIC SONG: # When I'm with you, # I see the world in a different light. # You shine so bright. When I'm close to you, # I feel the way that you really are. # It moves my heart. You amaze me. # You lift me up to a higher place, # put a smile on my face... ...by Napoleon. # You make me want to be so beautiful # You make me want to be just like you # You make me want to be... # Imagine Ernest Hemingway sitting right over there at the Cafe Florian, just sipping his single malt, dreaming up his next masterpiece. (Squeals) Those birds are psychotic! History doesn't interest you at all, does it, baby? Those birds are psychotic! History doesn't interest you at all, does it, baby? Huh? Yeah, it does. I wasn't an art history major, though, so... You don't have to be an art history major to appreciate art. Whoa. Whoa. What? What? Do you hear that? The bells? No. Er... What is it, honey? Er... What? What? Oh... What? (Tuts) (Whispers) What are we looking at? Shh. OK! What?! What? What is it? Can I help? It's a message from God. It's a message! God?! THWACK! CHEERING MAN ON RADIO: There's a ground ball. CHEERING MAN ON RADIO: There's a ground ball. Jackpot! (Both laugh) Honey, we still have to see the Tintorettos. Oh. Oh, the church art is unbelievable, but it all kind of looks the same to me. Now, you know I love sports. I mean, I'm a sports freak. But how often are we in Europe? How often are the Dodgers on TV in Europe? You're right. You go watch sports. I'll go see the Tintorettos. (Laughs) I'll go see the Tintorettos. (Laughs) (Laughs) Honey? (Laughs) Honey? Yeah? Is this a loving act of generosity, or am I gonna pay for this later? Yeah? Is this a loving act of generosity, or am I gonna pay for this later? Does it make a difference? I'm gonna make this up to you huge - huge! Tonight, everything is your choice. I'm gonna make this up to you huge - Dinner IN a church if you want. choice. I'm gonna make this up to you huge - Dinner IN a church if you want. (Laughs) Oh... I'll meet you at the hotel! Love you! I love you! CHEERING MELANCHOLY MUSIC Have my luggage brought inside. Si, si. Oh! Oh! Grazie! Grazie! Grazie! Grazie, goddammit! Buongiorno, Fredo! Grazie, goddammit! Buongiorno, Fredo! Oh, buongiorno, Mr Peter Prentiss! Come sta? Bene. Bene. Peter. Peewee, what a surprise! What are you doing here? In Venice? Yes. In Venice, yes. Nextron's buying out Perugio Chocolate. They sent the kid in to close the deal. Did you get that cognac I sent? Yes. I thought it a tad inappropriate. I'm sorry. I didn't...er... I'm just trying to be the gallant loser here. Peter, listen... Why don't we celebrate this great coincidence? I'll take you guys to dinner. I'm on my honeymoon. (Laughs) My... my honeymoon! Right. (Laughs) See? Yeah. I can be so thick sometimes. Grazie. I'm sorry. I got a lot of work to do, so I'm going to disappear. But you guys have fun. ELEVATOR DINGS Peter, wait! I'm...scusi... I don't mean to be rude. You couldn't be rude if you tried. How's the honeymoon? It's good? It's a dream? It's great! Yeah? Oh, yeah, great! Where's Tom? Oh, he's at the, er, the church with... er... with the, er... with... He's a huge history buff! Yeah! Wow! Well, see, it's good that you guys share that passion, then! He's a huge history buff! Yeah! Wow! Well, see, it's good that you guys share that passion, then! Wow! Yeah! Yeah! Well... (Laughs) 'Bye! (Laughs) Fredo, I need to know where that little signora is at all times. Very bold, Mr Prentiss. little signora is at all times. Very bold, Mr Prentiss. (Knocks on desk) Grazie. TOM: Dodgers won! Dodgers won! The Dodgers won, honey! See, I knew you were gonna make me pay for watching the game. No! No, it's not that. We need to talk. 'Bout what? Have you always told me the truth? Yeah. Except the time I told you I liked your brother, Willie. This is serious. I am serious. I don't like him. Marriage is built on honesty and trust. I totally agree. OK. Did you ever do something you wanted to tell me about, but you couldn't because you felt bad about it? And the more time passed the harder it got to tell me? And then it turned into this big, fat lie, so you kept not telling me... Did you talk to Kyle? No. Why? No reason. Does Kyle know something I should? No. You covered your nose. It itched. You were hiding flared nostrils! What do you have to tell? OK. It's just... when Bags died... ...he didn't exactly die the way that I described it. (Tearfully) Him... chasing the squawking pigeons off the balcony? the way that I described it. (Tearfully) Him... chasing the squawking pigeons off the balcony? Yeah, that. What happened? Well, OK...I'm reading my magazine, and I'm...really...I'm focusing. And I'm really into it, and along comes Bags. You know, he comes trucking over, and he starts tugging on my ankle. And I was, like, "Bags!" (Stutters) I was, like... I think I even said, "I'm trying to focus, like, don't..." And he looked at me and he was giving me the, "Hey, are you gonna play with me or not?" And I'm, like, "Yeah. I really just want to read, though, Bags." (Stutters) And...he...he started pulling on my ankle again. And so I grabbed the ball, and I was, like, "Go get it, buddy!" And I threw the ball, it went out the window, and Bags dove and he died. (Gasps) You killed Bags? It was an accident! You lied about it all this time? It was an accident! You lied about it all this time? Actually, it was more of an omission. No, it was more like a lie! (Stutters) Where are you going? I have to figure out what to do! What does that mean? I can deal with you being cheap and a shitty driver. I cannot, NOT, deal with you being a liar! Whoa, wait a second! This whole thing started with you wanting to talk about something. I don't want to talk about it right now. You're feeling guilty about something too. Yes, there is something I omitted that I don't want to talk about right now. You want a marriage based on trust and honesty? Well, here's your chance! Come on! Yeah, yeah, you got it! I can see it! Bring it! chance! Come on! Yeah, yeah, you got it! I can see it! Bring it! I slept with Peter Prentiss! What? I slept with Peter... I heard you! I'm sorry! I need to hear everything. No, you don't. Yes, I do. That's what I do! I need to know everything - where you were, what he did, how small his wiener was - everything! I was helping on an appraisal... I don't want to hear it! You slept with that... It was a long time ago. When? Before we ever... Got married? Yes! Got engaged? Of course. Got together? Yes! Nope, no. It was right after we met. My parents were pressuring me. Yes! Nope, no. It was right after we met. My parents were pressuring me. Aha! Imagine my surprise. I was confused. I'm in Seattle. He asked me out to dinner. The champagne is flowing. Please, try not to break into song. My feelings for you were very, very strong, and I needed to know that they were real. I wasn't brought up to manage feelings like that very well. Yeah. You had a real tough upbringing. I need some air. Yeah? Me too. Happy now? You broke it! Oh, by the way, Peter's staying at the hotel. Happy now? You broke it! Oh, by the way, Peter's staying at the hotel. (Laughs sarcastically) That's funny! Hooker! Murderer! BOAT ENGINE RUMBLES SONG: # Everything's changing when I turn around. # I'm out of my control. I'm immobile. # Everything is changing. # When I turn around, I'm out of my... # What's the score? 3-2. Top of the ninth. Are you American? Good guess. BELL TOLLS FOOTSTEPS ECHO (Sighs) Where's Tom? We don't feel the need to be with each other all the time. OK. I just find it odd that you're spending so much time apart on your honeymoon. I just find it odd that you're Are you OK? your honeymoon. I just find it odd that you're Are you OK? (Sniffles) Peter, just go, please. Go! (Sighs) Sarah! Sarah! Why are you still here, Peter? Sarah! Sarah! Why are you still here, Peter? I'm not leaving you like this. Listen - I have a car. I'm having a quick drink at a friend's house. Just take a ride with me. You know, catch your breath. Then I'll take you back to Tom. ELEGANT CLASSICAL MUSIC Champagne? ELEGANT CLASSICAL MUSIC Champagne? Sure. (Sighs) MAN ON TV: That's the ball game! (Sighs) MAN ON TV: That's the ball game! (All cheer) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I love this song! (All cheer) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I love this song! No, wait! I really should go... Um, I can't. No, listen... Bernardo Selviati can actually trace his family back to Machiavelli. Um, I can't. No, listen... Bernardo Selviati can actually trace his family back to Machiavelli. Huh. ELEGANT CLASSICAL MUSIC Oh, wow! (Laughs) That's a big house! Nextron's thinking of buying it. Turn it into a resort complex. Buongiorno, Bernardo! Peter! Hello! (Laughs) Good to see you! Bernardo, Sarah McNerney. Ciao, Bernardo! Ciao! Come in, pretty one! What brings you to Venice? Ciao! Come in, pretty one! What brings you to Venice? Oh, I'm on my honeymoon. Your honeymoon? But she's so young to be married! Why does everyone keep on saying that? so young to be married! Why does everyone keep on saying that? Where's your husband? Oh, I'm going to meet up with him... you know...later. Yeah...yeah! Oh, I'm going to meet up with him... you know...later. Yeah...yeah! I was married for 27 years before my wife pass away. Believe me - the first months are the most difficult. Er... (Laughs) ..Bernardo here's a little bit of a romantic. Hmm. (Whispers) I love that. Let's have a drink. (Laughs) (Laughs) Please! You're on the radio?! That's awesome! So... when are we gonna go back to the nino-nino-nino! Whoa! Er...yeah...I can't do that. What? Don't tell me the cute conversation and air humping is leading nowhere. What? Don't tell me the cute conversation and air humping is leading nowhere. No! Oh...oh! OK! You meant... when are WE gonna... ah! OK. OK. Alright, so I'm gonna go and hit the ...and then we'll...do that thing. Yeah, OK. Cool! OK. I'll be waiting! COMICAL MUSIC Whoa! (Whimpers) Oh, and the hits just keep on coming! DOG BARKS, VOICES ECHO Joe...can I get the key to 309, please? Oh, and do you know if my wife's up in the room? A good husband knows where his wife is at all time. (Chuckles) And a good maitre d' answers questions when he's asked. (Chuckles) OK, look, I'm not gonna pay you for an answer. answers questions when he's asked. (Chuckles) OK, look, I'm not gonna pay you for an answer. In this case, you should. (Mutters) OK. Your wife is in a car on her way to Selviati's with Mr Prentiss. (Mutters) OK. Your wife is in a car on her way to Selviati's with Mr Prentiss. Mr PETER Prentiss? (Stammers) Of course. What's Selviati's? One of the oldest and most beautiful estate in Venice. Maybe Mr Peter will buy it. Of course Mr Peter will buy it. Alright, where is this place? Hmm? (Slams note down) Alright, where is this place? Hmm? (Slams note down) You can't go. You will be shot on sight. OK. That's... (Grunts) Er... when are they comin' back? Your wife and Mr Peter are out for the evening. Er... when are they comin' back? Your wife and Mr Peter are out for the evening. OK, you know what? (Stammers) I'm not gonna be waiting here for her when she gets back. Oh, no! (Sarah laughs heartily) Again, again! (Man speaks Italian) (Repeats phrase in Italian) (Both laugh) I wanna say that again! (Speaks Italian) (Both laugh) (Speaks Italian) Salute! (Laughs) Sarah. Sarah. Sarah, maybe we should switch to water, huh? I think we should go find Tom now. LAIDBACK MUSIC That was the longest frickin' piss in Italian history. LAIDBACK MUSIC That was the longest frickin' piss in Italian history. Hey... Wendy. Er... (Chuckles) I couldn't find you in the crowd. That's cool. Are you ready to go? Er...yeah. Listen, um, why don't I just walk you back to your hotel and drop you off? That sounds like a plan. OK. Um...what hotel are you staying at? That sounds like a plan. OK. Um...what hotel are you staying at? What hotel are YOU staying at? OK. Um...what hotel Er... the Gianna. What hotel are YOU staying at? OK. Um...what hotel Er... the Gianna. Oh, my God! Me too! (Hesitantly) Hey. Wow. MUZAK PLAYS (Sighs) (Chuckles) Um... Oh, my God! This is like a 'Twilight Zone'. I couldn't agree with you more. (Chuckles) (Sings 'Twilight Zone' theme) (Whistles tunefully) BELL DINGS We're here. Damn, I don't have my key. Can I use your phone? My...my phone? Damn, I don't have my key. Can I use your phone? My...my phone? Yeah, to call downstairs. For my key. Yeah. LIVELY ACCORDION MUSIC Oh! Wendy! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Slow down there. Slow... I think you've got the wrong room. Slow down there. Slow... I think you've got the wrong room. (Screams) Yeah! Oh, my...! Oooh! Oh, God! It's sappy radio, man! (Groans) I'm... I'm on my honeymoon. NEEDLE SCRATCHES RECORD Eugh! Yeah, eugh. (Whimpers) I'm telling you... You pig! (Cries out) LIVELY ACCORDION MUSIC RESUMES ENGINE IDLES Thank you. Grazie. Thank you. Grazie. (Speaks Italian) (Sighs heavily) Grazie. (Speaks Italian) (Sighs heavily) What? What? What?! I can't take this anymore. I'm on my honeymoon! (Exclaims indistinctly) I'm on my honeymoon! (Exclaims indistinctly) Shh, shh, shh, calm down. You were doing the same thing with Wendy. You have no right to be angry. DOOR OPENS YOU SLUT! EXCUSE me?! You had your tongue down his throat. I saw it out the window. SMASH! Did you see me slap him, then? Oh, don't give me that. Some part of you wants him. Just say it! Fine. I'm not gonna lie anymore. Certain things would be easier, given his background. And a small part of me thought that I wanted that once - a very small part. Why would you invite him on our honeymoon? I didn't invite him. I don't know how he found us. Oh, yeah?! Oh, maybe it was magic! No, Peter must be a warlock! That's yours. No, Peter must be a warlock! That's yours. Yeah, sure. It matches perfect with my red leather panties! OK. I met a woman at a bar. Nothing happened. You picked up a total stranger at a bar, brought her back to our honeymoon suite You picked up a total stranger and took off her disgusting red bra. our honeymoon suite You picked up a total stranger and took off her disgusting red bra. Nothing happened, I swear. No, no, no. The bra just jumped off her bare, naked breasts. Nothing happened, I swear. No, no, no. The bra just jumped off her bare, naked breasts. Sarah... You sit there and make me feel guilty for a kiss - a kiss that I didn't even want! Don't tell me you didn't want it. You wanted it! I could see from the balcony that you wanted it! I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Son of a biatch! Oh! Arggh, my skull is on fire! Oh, no. Oh! Oh! KNOCK AT DOOR Who is it?! MAN: Room service. Just...you just... (Groans) Just...you just... (Groans) Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. No, go away! No, listen. I'm leaving. Last chance. Come with me to Seattle. (Silly accent) Hello, Peter. So glad you could join us. (Gasps) Welcome...to the honeymoon from hell, shit-heel! So glad you could join us. (Gasps) Welcome...to the honeymoon from hell, shit-heel! What are you doing, Tom? I think it's time for Peter and I to tango! See?! You have no future with this lunatic! Shut up, Peter! Tom, you're acting like a crazy person! Maybe it's 'cause I just got hit in the head with a 10lb ashtray! I gotta warn ya, Leezak... ...I studied karate with a Chinese grandmaster. Yeah? Well, I hope he showed ya how to pull a fire poker out of your ass! Tom, put the poker down. LIVELY MUSIC Fredo, call the police! Polizia! Polizia! Move! Move! Move! CONFUSED SHOUTING You sap! At our wedding, you heard us take our vows! And you still have the nerve to show up on our honeymoon and try to have sex with my wife?! Run, you coward! Get him! You stay away from my wife! Get him! You stay away from my wife! SIREN WAILS (Policemen shout in Italian) Wait a minute, stop! That's my husband! (Policeman speaks Italian) WATER DRIPS Maybe they were right. Who? Everyone. They said that we were too young... ...and that we needed to get to know each other better. Maybe they were right. Maybe love isn't enough. Maybe they were right. Maybe love isn't enough. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH Peter Prentiss... (Speaks Italian) What did he say? Peter just bailed us out. (Chuckles) Oh, that's...that's just jim-dandy. Forget it. KEYS JANGLE I'm going home. Yeah, me too! ANNOUNCEMENTS OVER P.A. IN ITALIAN Yeah, me too! ANNOUNCEMENTS OVER P.A. IN ITALIAN Passports, please. Are you leaving with any fruit, vegetables, or any currency in excess of $10,000? No. No, but my husband does have 2lb of hash hidden in his rectum. (Chuckles nervously) 2lb of hash hidden in his rectum. (Chuckles nervously) P.A. CHIMES (Pants heavily) The first sex I had on my honeymoon was with a man named Santino. (Laughs) was with a man named Santino. (Laughs) And you're laughing. (Sarah continues laughing) Excuse me, stewardess. Can I... (Whistles through teeth) Er...could I get...er... one of those, er... ...doughnut...pillows...for the... one of those, er... ...doughnut...pillows...for the... Yeah...right away. (Mutters) Sweet girl. SARAH: Excuse me. Sorry. Arggh! I feel like we've been married for 50 years. Arggh! I feel like we've been married for 50 years. Oh, you should be so lucky. I feel like we've been How did Peter end up at our hotel? Oh, you should be so lucky. I feel like we've been How did Peter end up at our hotel? What really happened with 'Red Bra'? What? What? What are you looking at? I hope you used a rubber. No, I didn't. (Stammers) It didn't get that far. I hope Peter used one. They don't sell condoms that big. (Laughs falsely) That's funny. Hear that? We got a comedian on the plane. Oh, you're a laugher. You...you...you wanna laugh? You want me to make you laugh? Yeah. I'm gonna move out when I get home. That's great! That's the second we get home. I'm done talking! Me too. TOM: And that was it - game over. SOMBRE MUSIC ENGINE WHINES, HORN HONKS What's up? She came back to the apartment. Is she there now? No, she left. Did she say anything? She took all her stuff. That can't be good. Oh, and she left you this. What's that? Beer? Come on, man! You're getting divorced. Breakfast beer is a must. I need to talk to my dad. Give me a lift? Sure. COMMENTATOR ON TV: A swing and a miss. You gonna tell me what you're chewing on? I just don't know if love is enough anymore. what you're chewing on? I just don't know if love is enough anymore. What do you mean, enough? I mean... even if Sarah and I do love each other... ...maybe we did need more time to get to know each other. So... (Clears throat) ...what you're saying here is, you had a couple of bad days in Europe and it's over? Time to grow up, Tommy. (Sighs) What? Some days your mother and me loved each other, other days we had to work at it. You never see the hard days in a photo album. But those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next. I'm sorry your honeymoon stunk, but that's what you got dealt. Now you gotta work through it. Sarah doesn't need a guy with a fat wallet to make her happy. I saw how you loved this girl, how you two lit each other up. She doesn't need any more security than that. Thanks, Dad. Is it over? Not even close. (SIGHS) You bloody pig. Bobby, it's Keith. I was driving along Dundas Ln, and there was a pig in the middle of the road. Anyone over there know anything about it? No, no, mate. You're in a different valley. No one knows a thing. No one? Yeah, you don't know anyone out that way who has pigs? Moa Creek? No, I'm not too sure over there. (SIGHS) You bloody pig. Hey, Michael. It's Keith. So you got the picture? Yeah, it's not mine. You don't know anything about looking after pigs? Not really. I just know they taste all right. (OINKS) (OINKS) COMPUTER CHIMES I got your email about Sue. Yeah, uh, the pig. (CHUCKLES) VAN IDLES (OINKS) GENTLE MUSIC (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES (OINKS) UPLIFTING MUSIC Life's better together, so stay connected on NZ's leading mobile network. TYRES SQUEAL BEEP! What do you do here, Tom Leezak? You no allowed here no more. Open the gates, jack-in-the-box. Me no jack-in-box! YOU jack-in-box! Go away now! I'll break my foot off in your ass! Alright. Look, Yuan, I just need to talk to her. Relationship over! She no like you anymore! Open the goddamn gate! Alright, shut up, Kyle! Look, Yuan, did she actually say those words to you? She say you have kinky with bimbo. Same thing. Alright, we're not leaving this intercom until Sarah herself confirms that she is shitcanning Tom! Or not. (Stammers) That is damn straight! This is my wife! Now open up the gate! (Stammers) That is damn straight! This is my wife! Now open up the gate! Can't we just let the guy explain? Don't even think about it, Dickie! Here's the deal - either you're gonna open the gate or I'm gonna open the gate. Either way, I'm comin' in! We'll sic the hounds on you, Leezak! BRING 'EM ON, WILLIE! MAN: ..was smooth today... (Switches channel) MAN ON TV: ..accumulated until it... What's going on? You leave me no choice! I'm gonna have to ram the gate! You leave me no choice! I'm gonna have to ram the gate! Oh, I am so down with that. What do we do now? Call the cops. We call SWAT team on your ass! I'm ramming the gate. I don't know if you're hearing, but I am going to ram your gate! ENGINE STARTS What is the commotion in here? Tom ram gate. TYRES SCREECH What the hell is this? It's go time. TYRES SCREECH It's go time. TYRES SCREECH (Screams) (Shrieks) OH! RADIATOR HISSES Wow, that's one strong gate. HOPEFUL MUSIC Tom? Look, Yuan, Willie, whoever else is listening... ...you don't want me to be with Sarah, and I can't change that. I don't know where we're gonna be in 10, 20, 40 years. I don't know who we're gonna be. I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to give her all of this. There are a million things that I don't know. But there's one thing that I do... ...and that's that I love Sarah. And I am going to love her day in and day out for the rest of my life! Now, will you please... ...please... ...open the gate so I can tell that to my wife. (Sighs) KYLE: I'm sorry, man. Sometimes when it's over, it's just...over. INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC Drop the low bomb, baby! YEAH! Now do you get it? I love him, Daddy. Then go get him. (Chuckles) MUSIC INTENSIFIES (Pants) Hi. Hi. I'm sorry. Me too. I miss you. Me too. I miss you. I miss you too. I miss wrecking airplane bathrooms with you. I miss sleeping with you inside a snowball. bathrooms with you. I miss sleeping with you inside a snowball. (Both chuckle) And torching hotels in Europe. I... I miss doing time in prison with you. Do you wanna try to...? Definitely. POP MUSIC SONG: # Can't you see? # There's a feeling that's come over me. (Sobs) # Close my eyes. # You're the only one that leaves me completely breathless. # No need to wonder why. # Sometimes a gift like this # you can't deny. # Hey. Cos I wanted to fly. # So you gave me your wings. # And time held its breath. # So I could see, yeah.