(TYRES SCREECHING) D'OH! (SCREAMS) Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 # SLEIGH BELLS RING # ARE YOU LISTENING? # IN THE LANE... # (GRUNTS) DAD, I'M FREEZING. DON'T WORRY, KIDS. THESE WOOL SOCKS AND DOWN PARKAS WILL KEEP YOU WARM. (SHIVERING) WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS TROUBLE IF YOU'D JUST PAID THE HEATING BILL! I THOUGHT GLOBAL WARMING WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT. AL GORE CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. I GOT SOME OLD MAGAZINES TO BURN. POPULAR SCIENCE. REDBOOK. (FLAMES ROARING) BIG & TALL HALLOWEEN COSTUME CATALOGUE. NEXT ITEM. NEXT ITEM. NO! THAT'S MY MEMORY BOX! MUM, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WENT TO COLLEGE! YEAH, YOU ALWAYS SAID THAT AFTER HIGH SCHOOL, DAD "BLESSED" YOU WITH THE UNPLANNED MIRACLE OF ME. HEY, PARENTS ARE ALLOWED TO KEEP SOME SECRETS. LIKE WHICH KID'S THEIR FAVOURITE! IT'S LISA. YOU KNOW, MUM AND DAD ARE ALMOST 40, AND BART IS TEN. THAT MEANS YOU DIDN'T HAVE HIM UNTIL WAY AFTER HIGH SCHOOL. YEAH, WHAT HAPPENED WHILE I WAS CHILLIN' IN DAD'S JUNK? THERE IS A PART OF OUR PAST THAT WE HAVEN'T TOLD YOU KIDS ABOUT. A TURBULENT PART. COME ON. MORE TURBULENT THAN NOW? WE'RE IN EVERY KIND OF THERAPY. THINGS HAPPENED BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND ME THAT WE'RE NOT PROUD OF. IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF A WILD DECADE KNOWN AS THE 1990S. THE '90S? NEVER HEARD OF IT. OH, IT WAS A WONDERFUL TIME. THE IRAQ WAR WAS OVER ONCE AND FOR ALL, A STRUGGLING MATT GROENING CREATED FUTURAMA, AND YOUNG PEOPLE BELIEVED IN THEIR DREAMS, THANKS TO A TV SHOW CALLED MELROSE PLACE. YOUR MOTHER AND I WERE DATING, AND WE HAD JUST MOVED INTO OUR FIRST APARTMENT TOGETHER. LUANN, A PICTURE OF YOU CHEATING ON ME IS DOWNLOADING ON TO MY COMPUTER. I'LL KNOW WHO YOU WERE WITH IN LESS THAN SIX HOURS! UNLESS SOMEONE PICKS UP THE PHONE. NO, NO, NO, NO! OH! HOMER: WE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY, BUT WE WERE YOUNG AND IN LOVE. OH! I'M AFRAID IT'S TOP RAMEN AGAIN. WITH YOU, BABY, TOP RAMEN TASTES LIKE CUP O' NOODLES. YOU KNOW, THESE IKEA FOAM FUTONS DO VELCRO TOGETHER. UH, I-I'M SORRY. I'M NOT READY TO DO THAT YET. I WANT TO WAIT UNTIL I'M MARRIED, OR AT LEAST REALLY DRUNK. I UNDERSTAND. WE SHOULD FOLLOW THE LEAD OF TODAY'S CELEBRITY ROLE MODELS. HOMER: LIKE ALL YOUNG PEOPLE, I HAD A MUSICAL DREAM, A DREAM CALLED INOFFENSIVE URBAN LIGHT HIP-HOP SMOOTH GROOVES. OK, EVERYONE, LET'S WARM UP OUR HARMONIES. # HOMER # # LENNY # # CARL # # LOU THE COP # (SOFT ROCK INSTRUMENTAL INTRO PLAYS) (IN HARMONY): # I'LL MAKE RUB TO YOU # SHOW RESPECT FOR YOU # HUG SO SAFE AND STRONG # BACKRUB ALL NIGHT LONG! # I'LL MAKE RUB TO YOU! # MARGE: BUT OUR HAPPINESS WAS ABOUT TO UNRAVEL, JUST LIKE KEVIN COSTNER'S CAREER, BECAUSE OF THE POSTMAN. YOU APPLIED TO COLLEGE? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? I DID TELL YOU. I THOUGHT YOU WERE TELLING ME YOU WANTED TO APPLY YOURSELF TO MAKING A COLLAGE. AND AS I RECALL, I WAS AGAINST IT. I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT IN. IT'S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE. AN EXPENSIVE DREAM. (SIGHS) OH, BABY, YOU DESERVE EVERY LAST BIT OF IT! I CAN GET THE MONEY, BUT IT'LL MEAN SWALLOWING MY PRIDE AND WORKING FOR... MY DAD! (KIDS SHOUTING, ELECTRICAL BUZZING) WELL, WELL, WELL, LOOK WHO'S COME CRAWLING BACK TO WORK FOR YOUR OLD MAN. WHAT DO YOU NEED THE MONEY FOR? MEDICINE? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. NOW GIVE ME A JOB AT YOUR BUSINESS. YOU'RE DEAD! DIE! DIE! DIE! OK, ALL RIGHT! TIME'S UP! (WHIRRING) (SIGHING) (GRUNTING) THIS COUNTS AS YOUR BREAK. HOMER: BUT MARGE'S EDUCATION WAS WORTH ALL THE PISTOL-WHIPPING IN THE WORLD. THIS PLACE IS JUST LIKE THE BROCHURE: AUTUMN LEAVES. BULL SESSIONS. AND THAT IS WHY THE LORD OF THE RINGS CAN NEVER BE FILMED. MARGE: FRATERNITY PLEDGES IN THEIR BEANIES. I THINK I'M GONNA LIKE IT HERE. SO, HAVE YOU ALL BOUGHT THE REQUIRED TEXTBOOKS FOR THIS CLASS? GOOD. NOW THROW THEM ALL AWAY! (CLASS MURMURING) EVERYTHING YOU THINK YOU KNOW ABOUT HISTORY IS A LIE. FOR EXAMPLE: THE FOUNDING FATHERS. WHAT DID THEY HAVE IN COMMON? THEY DEFIED A KING? THEY CREATED A SYSTEM OF CHECKS AND BALANCES? WRONG! THEY WERE ALL WHITE, PROTESTANT, PROPERTY-OWNING MALES. (ALL GASPING) MARGE: ARE YOU SAYING THAT AMERICA WAS FOUNDED ON MISCONCEPTIONS? WHO SAID THAT? (CLASS MURMURING) HMM. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAYING. THINKS: FALL SEMESTER, YOU JUST GOT INTERESTING. (SOBBING) THIS BOOK SUCKS SO MUCH. HOMIE, MY MIND HAS BEEN OPENED IN SO MANY WAYS! DID YOU KNOW THAT EVERY US PRESIDENT HAS BEEN A STRAIGHT WHITE MAN? EVEN WALT DISNEY? AND DID YOU ALSO KNOW THAT HISTORY IS WRITTEN BY THE WINNERS? REALLY? I THOUGHT IT WAS WRITTEN BY LOSERS. (LAUGHS) (SIGHS) IF YOU THINK THAT, YOU SHOULD MEET MY NEW PROFESSOR. PROFESSOR AUGUST HAS SHOWN ME A SIDE OF THE WORLD I NEVER KNEW. PROFESSOR AUGUST, EH? WHO IS HE, SOME GRAY-HAIRED OLD BOOKWORM? UH, NOT EXACTLY. MARGE, I HOPE I'LL BE SEEING YOU TOMORROW DURING OFFICE HOURS. (GIGGLES) UH, 3:00 TO 5:00, RIGHT? IF MY BEADS ARE PARTED, COME RIGHT IN. I WILL! TO THE FACULTY CLUB! (BELL DINGING) OH! I NEVER HEARD THAT NOISE BEFORE. ARE YOU SICK? (GROANS) HMM. I WONDER WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND. (BICYCLE BELL DINGING) 1 OK, I RELIT YOUR PILOT LIGHT. NOW I JUST NEED TO DO A LITTLE WORK ON THE THERMOSTAT. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TELL YOU A STORY WHILE I WORK? ONE ABOUT A WOMAN I LOVED AND LOST? WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR OWN STORY, THANK YOU. RIGHT. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE GAS MAN'S GIRL. "JUST SHUT UP, MONKEY MAN, AND MAKE THE GAS FLOW." ANYWAY, I WAS GROWING TO ADMIRE MY PROFESSOR MORE AND MORE. ...SO THAT'S WHY INSTEAD OF "X-X", I THINK OF THE FEMALE GENES IN A MORE POSITIVE LIGHT... ..."PLUS-PLUS." (APPLAUSE) PROFESSOR, DO YOU THINK WHITE MALE SCIENTISTS HAVE MARGINALISED THE CONTRIBUTIONS OF THE THIRD WORLD? GREAT QUESTION. AND THE ANSWER IS "OF COURSE." COULD A TRIBE OF BUSHMEN HAVE INVENTED PENICILLIN? MAYBE THEY ALREADY HAVE. BUT NO ONE ASKED THEM. NO ONE ASKED THEM. (SIGHS) (SEINFELD THEME SONG PLAYING) (LAUGHING) OH, ELAINE, WILL YOU EVER FIND SOMEONE WHO'S SPONGE-WORTHY? PROFESSOR AUGUST SAYS THE SITUATION COMEDY IS A DOOMED GENRE. HERE'S WHAT I SAY TO THAT: NO SOUP FOR YOU! BECAUSE I AM "MASTER OF MY DOMAIN." (SNEERING): NEWMAN. I WISH YOU WOULD SUPPORT MY COMMENTS. HEY, I WORKED HARD ALL DAY TO PAY FOR YOUR EDUCATION. CAN'T I GET ALL ZIMA'D UP AND HAVE MY BEST GIRL PUT SALVE ON MY LASER BURNS? AWW. ARE THE LASERS SUPPOSED TO BURN YOU? APPARENTLY IF ALL THE KIDS FIRE AT YOUR STOMACH AT ONCE, IT ADDS UP. (GASPS) (GASPS) # CLOSING TIME # OPEN ALL THE DOORS AND LET YOU OUT INTO THE WORLD... # MARGE, YOUR ART PROJECT FOR "PROTEST STUDIES" IS VERY IMPRESSIVE. (GIGGLES) THANK YOU, PROFESSOR AUGUST. OH, PLEASE, I'M YOUR ADVISOR. CALL ME STEFFAN. OH, THANKS. IT-IT'S JUST A NOTE FROM MY BOYFRIEND. LET ME GUESS: HE'S A HIGH SCHOOL FLAME WHO'S PREVENTING YOU FROM FLOWERING. HOMER'S PERFECT FOR ME! JUST LOOK AT THIS NOTE: "I MISS YOU." AWW. ACTUALLY, MARGE, IF I MAY DECONSTRUCT THAT LETTER. WHEN HE WRITES "I MISS YOU," "I" IS THE SUBJECT AND "YOU" IS THE OBJECT. YOU ARE HIS OBJECT. BUT HOMER'S SO SUPPORTIVE. HE'S PAYING FOR ME TO GO TO COLLEGE. HE'S PAYING FOR YOU? LIKE HE OWNS YOU? I'M SORRY, BUT THAT IS OPPRESSION. WELL, I KNOW YOU'D NEVER SAY ANYTHING THAT ISN'T OBJECTIVE... MARGE, YOUR ASSIGNMENT IS TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I'VE SAID ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP. WHEN IS IT DUE? BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. STEFFAN! MARGE! MARGE! WHERE ARE YOU?! ARE YOU BY THAT (MISPRONOUNCING): JOAN MYRO STATUE? IT'S "JUAN" MI-ROW! STUPID TOWNIE! (STUDENTS LAUGH) HEY, IT'S TOWNIES LIKE ME THAT COOK YOUR FOOD AND CLEAN YOUR BATHROOMS! IF YOU DID THE FORMER BETTER WE'D USE THE LATTER LESS. (SOBBING) THAT'S IT, TOWNIE! RUN! RUN BACK TO YOUR TOWN! MARGE, THIS DREAM CATCHER WAS GIVEN TO ME BY A WARRIOR OF THE LAKOPANE TRIBE, A TRIBE RULED BY WOMEN. I THINK IT HAS ALREADY CAUGHT MY DREAM. (CHANTING) WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? CHANTING?! HOMER! YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME! MARGE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS CRAZY COLLEGE? THIS PLACE IS NOTHING LIKE ANIMAL HOUSE! I SMASHED A BEATNIK'S GUITAR AND HE SUED ME FOR DAMAGES! SUCCESSFULLY! HOMIE, GO HOME. WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER. FINE! SLAM! (CARL, LENNY, LOU HUMMING) I CAN'T DO IT! OUR HARMONY-LADEN R&B DOESN'T MAKE SENSE IN THIS CRUEL WORLD. I'M TAKING OUR MUSIC TO THE NEXT LEVEL: GUITAR ROCK UTILISING NIHILIST GRUNGE ENERGIES. OR, AS I CALL IT: GRUNGE! WE ARE SADGASM, AND THIS SONG IS CALLED... "POLITICALLY INCORRECT." (AUDIENCE GASPS) OH! (SOFTLY STRUMMING) # PAIN IS BROWN # HATE IS WHITE (CHEERING) # LOVE IS BLACK # STAB THE NIGHT (ALTERNATIVE ROCK PLAYING) # KINGDOM OF NUMB # CLOSET OF HURT (SIREN BLARING) # FEELINGS ARE DUMB # KISSES ARE DIRT... # KURT? KURT? IT'S MARVIN! YOUR COUSIN, MARVIN COBAIN! YOU KNOW THAT NEW SOUND YOU'RE LOOKING FOR? WELL, LISTEN TO THIS! (ALTERNATIVE ROCK PLAYING) MARGE! MARGE! (CROWD CHEERING) HEY, MARGE. HOMER, YOUR MUSIC IS SO ANGRY AND BITTER. NOW WHY WOULD I BE ANGRY AND BITTER? BECAUSE I'M PAYING FOR YOU TO MAKE GOO-GOO EYES AT SOME SMOOTH-TALKING PROFESSOR? WELL, HERE'S A QUESTION FOR YOU: WHY SHOULD I STAY WITH A MAN WHO RESENTS HOW I'VE FLOWERED? WELL, IF YOU FEEL THAT WAY, MAYBE YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO NURTURE THE NEW YOU, MAYBE SOMEONE A LITTLE OLDER AND MORE SOPHISTICATED, WHO CAN TAKE YOU TO EUROPE DURING THE SUMMER. FINE BY ME. D'OH! (BELL RINGING) HEY. WILL YOU SIGN MY BOOBS? YEAH. . MOM, WHY DID YOU STOP TALKING FOR TWO AND A HALF MINUTES? IT SEEMED LIKE 20. WHATEVER. HOMER AND I HAD THE WRENCHING TASK OF DIVIDING UP A SHARED LIFE. OK, I'LL KEEP THE LPS, AND YOU TAKE THE CDS. I'LL TAKE THE TYPEWRITER; YOU TAKE THE COMPUTER. I'LL TAKE THE ENRON STOCK; YOU TAKE THE MICROSOFT STOCK. AND, UM... WHO GETS... CUTIE-PUSS? I JUST WANT A TENTACLE. ("BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY" BY THE VERVE PLAYS) HOMER: I WAS SO DEPRESSED, I SPENT ALL MY TIME IN A BAR. GIMME A BEER, MOE. I DON'T SELL BOOZE NO MORE. THIS IS A CIGAR BAR NOW. FINE. COHIBA ME. LEAVE THE HUMIDOR. I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD. (BELCHES) I WASN'T TRYING TO STEAL YOUR WATCH. I-I WAS JUST COMIN' ON TO YA. OK, LET'S GO BACK TO MY PLACE. OH, BOY. READY TO TAKE MY PERSONAL TOUR OF SPRINGFIELD'S MOST WHEELCHAIR-UNFRIENDLY RESTAURANTS? MARGE: I SURE AM! I WANT YOUR KNOWLEDGE INSIDE ME. (SIGHS) SEEING MARGE ALWAYS REMINDS ME OF MARGE. (SIZZLING) NOW WHERE WILL I GET MY OXYGEN? (SOBBING) (GRUNGE ROCK PLAYS LOUDLY) # RAZORBLADE OF APATHY # SHAVE ME WITH YOUR IRONY # SHAVE ME! # SHAVE ME # (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) (BIRDS SINGING) HAVE YOU REALLY READ ALL OF THESE BOOKS? MORALLY, I COULDN'T DISPLAY THEM ON SHELVES IF I HADN'T. BUT I WATCH SPORTS AS WELL, JUST LIKE A REGULAR MAN. GOOD GODDESS! THE PATRIOTS ARE DEEP IN REDSKIN TERRITORY. THIS ISN'T ENTERTAINMENT; IT'S GENOCIDE! (SOBBING) (GRUNTS UNEASILY) WHY DON'T WE PUT ON SOME MUSIC? # SHAVE ME! # NO! NO! I NEED WHALE SONGS! (WHALES VOCALISING UNDERWATER) MARGE, MAY I COMPLIMENT YOUR APPEARANCE? YEAH, SURE. YOU LOOK LOVELY. IF I WERE TO APPROACH YOU FOR A KISS, WOULD YOU CONSTRUE THAT AS HARASSMENT OR GIVE YOUR WILLING CONSENT? CONSENT, OF COURSE. AH. CONTINUING IN THAT LINE OF THOUGHT, MAY I KISS YOUR MOUTH WITH MY MOUTH? JUST DO IT ALREADY! (WHALE SONGS PLAYING) HOMER: I HAD FINALLY REALISED EVERY ROCK STAR'S DREAM: HATING BEING FAMOUS. (STRUMS GUITAR) WHY AREN'T I HAPPY? I'M THE HOTTEST GRUNGE ARTIST ON MUCOUS RECORDS. WEIRD AL IS DOING A PARODY OF MY SONG. # RAISIN BREAD WITH APPLESAUCE # TONY DANZA, HE'S THE BOSS # BRAIN FREEZE! # BRAIN FREEZE! # BRAIN FREEZE! # BRAIN FREEZE! # (TURNS OFF TV) HE WHO IS TIRED OF WEIRD AL IS TIRED OF LIFE. LOOK AT THAT LIGHTHOUSE. THAT'S THE ULTIMATE EXPRESSION OF PHALLOCENTRIC TECHNOCRACY VIOLATING MOTHER SKY. I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST TALL SO BOATS COULD SEE THEM. NO, MARGE. EVERYTHING PENIS-SHAPED IS BAD. LOOK, A WEDDING! SLAVERY IS ALIVE AND WELL IN SPRINGFIELD. YOU OPPOSE MARRIAGE? MARGE, MARRIAGE HAS OPPRESSED WOMEN FOR CENTURIES. BUT, STEFFAN, I WOULD LIKE TO GET MARRIED SOMEDAY. (SIGHING): OH, MARGE, IT'S STATEMENTS LIKE THAT THAT MAKE PEOPLE SAY WOMEN ARE STUPID. IT'S STATEMENTS LIKE THAT THAT... ARE MEAN! WELL, IT MAY SOUND MEAN, BUT I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU EVOLVE. OH, EVOLVE YOURSELF, PROFESSOR JERK! OR SHOULD I SAY, ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR JERK! (GASPS) I ONLY GOT DENIED TENURE BECAUSE MY DEPARTMENT HEAD IS AN IDIOT! DER, DUH, WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT ME? I'M SORRY, PROFESSOR MOOSE. YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET YOUR PHD-- POUND HEAD DOWN. (GRUNTS) (GRUNGE GUITAR PLAYING) # SPREAD YELLOW GUNK ON MY PANCAKE HEART # COUNTRY-CHURNED GIRL IN MY GROCERY CART... # COULD HE BE SINGING ABOUT ME? (GASPS): HE IS! # I PAID FOR HER DREAMS # SHE TAUGHT ME TO CRY # LIKE WATERY KNIVES # LIKE RAIN FROM MY EYES # I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT MINE # I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE NOT MINE # MAR-GE-RINE # MAR-GE-RINE # MAR-GE-RINE # MAR-GE-RINE! # MAR-GE-RINE! # HE LOVES ME SO MUCH AFTER WHAT I DID TO HIM. ("SPECIAL REPORT" THEME PLAYS) WE INTERRUPT THIS "BLEAK BLOCK" TO BRING YOU A BREAKING STORY. GRUNGE TRAILBLAZERS SADGASM HAVE BROKEN UP. (SOBBING, GASPING) RECLUSIVE FRONT MAN HOMER SIMPSON HAS HOLED HIMSELF UP IN HIS MANSION AS RUMOURS SWIRL ABOUT AN OUT-OF-CONTROL NARCOTICS ADDICTION. THIS IS KURT LODER REPORTING FROM... THE '90S. (GASPS) OH, NO, NARCOTICS! (GASPS) OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE A JUNKIE! I NEED IT... I'M GETTING YOU OFF THIS STUFF. BUT I NEED IT! NO, YOU DON'T! (MOODY INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS) MARGE: UNFORTUNATELY, AS I LATER LEARNED, THAT WASN'T HEROIN. IT WAS INSULIN. HOMER REALLY DID NEED THOSE INJECTIONS. I HAD BECOME DIABETIC FROM DRINKING TOO MANY FRAPPUCCINOS. HOMIE, I GOT SO CAUGHT UP IN THE WORLD OF COLLEGE THAT I FORGOT HOW IMPORTANT YOUR LOVE WAS. CAN YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO TAKE ME BACK? OF COURSE. THE THING THAT STOOD BETWEEN US --THE '90S-- IS ALMOST OVER. YOU'RE RIGHT. BUT I'M WORRIED ABOUT WHAT'S ON THE HORIZON: REALITY SHOWS, BRITNEY SPEARS, THE SUSPICIOUS NUMBER OF HOME RUNS BEING HIT... AT LEAST WE KNOW THERE'LL NEVER BE A PRESIDENT WORSE THAN BILL CLINTON. IMAGINE, LYING IN A DEPOSITION IN A CIVIL LAWSUIT. THAT'S THE WORST SIN A PRESIDENT COULD COMMIT. THERE'LL NEVER BE A WORSE PRESIDENT. NEVER. NEVER. HOMER: WITH THE '90S DRAWING TO A CLOSE, AND THE SYDNEY OLYMPICS TO LOOK FORWARD TO, OUR LOVE REKINDLED. AND ONE MOONLIT NIGHT, I FINALLY HAD FUN AT A MINI-GOLF COURSE. (HOMER CHUCKLING) (MOANING) MARGE: HOMER, STOP! YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL THE KIDS EVERYTHING! WHAT DID I MISS? HOW DID IT END? DID YOU TWO EVER GET BACK TOGETHER? YEP, THAT PROFESSOR COULDN'T KEEP ME AND MARGE APART. I MEAN, UNLESS HE HAD BEEN A LITTLE NICER AT THE BEACH. (BOTH LAUGH) WELL, THAT PROFESSOR DID TEACH ME ONE GOOD LESSON: HOMIE IS WHERE MY HEART IS. AND ONCE WE WERE BACK TOGETHER, I WAS TOO HAPPY EVER TO GRUNGE AGAIN. (SCOFFS) TOWNIES. Captioned by Media Access Group At WGBH www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015