WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. COPYRIGHT ABLE 2017 (CLASSICAL MUSIC) (CLASSICAL MUSIC INTENSIFIES) (LAUGHTER) (CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES) THERE ARE VERY FEW PERFECT PLACES TO GROW UP IN; WHERE CHILDHOOD IS A MAGICAL AND HAPPY TIME. WHERE A GIRL CAN TRULY BLOSSOM TO HER FULL POTENTIAL IN SURROUNDINGS OF BEAUTY AND TRANQUILLITY. BARRINGA EAST WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE PLACES. (BLINK-182'S 'STOCKHOLM SYNDROME') # THIS IS THE FIRST... # ...THING I REMEMBER. # NOW IT'S THE LAST... #...THING LEFT ON MY MIND. # AFRAID OF THE DARK. # DO YOU HEAR ME WHISPER? # AN EMPTY HEART. # REPLACED WITH PARANOIA. (SPLAT!) (INDISTINCT CHATTER, SCREAMING) (THUD!) # IT'S TOO LATE # TO SAVE ME. # YOU'RE TOO LATE. # MARGEART? HEY, YUK. MARGEART, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? BARRY HOLLIS IS DOING AN EXPERIMENT. ARE YOU NUTS? HERE, LET ME UNTIE YOU. NO, NO. IT'S ALL RIGHT. BARRY SAID HE'D UNTIE ME BEFORE THE BELL. IMAGINE THE SON OF SATAN ` NOW, ADD HAIR GEL, AND YOU'VE GOT... (SCREAMS) ...BARRY HOLLIS. YURKEN. (SIGHS DEEPLY) THERE ARE TWO R'S IN BARRY. NOTHING EASES THE EFFECTS OF TRAUMA LIKE A VISIT TO THE SICKBAY ` A PLACE WHERE I WAS TRULY APPRECIATED. YOU KNOW, WHILE I'M HERE, I THINK WE SHOULD UPDATE MY MEDICAL RECORDS. DISCOVERED TWO NEW ALLERGIES OVER THE WEEKEND. (CLEARS THROAT) LET'S SEE... ARTHRITIS, DIABETES, GALLSTONES, GOUT. ALLERGIES TO BEESTINGS, DUST MITES, CLOVER, HORSE HAIR, WATTLE, POLLEN AND CLAG GLUE. AND WE'RE ADDING? UH, CINNAMON AND EMULSIFIER 471. HAD A NASTY INCIDENT WITH A POPTART. I THINK YOU CAN GO NOW. (BELL RINGS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (FUNKY MUSIC) SO, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE STUCK WITH A BUNCH OF VANDALS, BIMBOS AND PYROMANIACS? PRAY. COS SOMETIMES, PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED. (GRUNTS) MY NAME IS MISS BELMONT. AND YOU ARE THE FAMOUS 9C. YES, I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU. SIT! THREE TEACHERS RETIRED. OH! TWO IN A PSYCHIATRIC INSTITUTION. AND ONE... NO! OH! (THWACK!) OH! ...RUN AWAY TO JOIN THE HARE KRISHNAS. I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU. BUT YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME,... OR WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF. (INDISTINCT WHISPERING) HMM... SOMEONE TO CLEAN THE BOARD. GIRL WITH ONE EYEBROW... YOUR NAME? MY LIFE'S DREAM WAS TO BE A GREAT ACTRESS AND HAVE MY NAME IN LIGHTS. BUT FIRST I'D HAVE TO CHANGE IT FROM... CHANTING: GURKEN! GURKEN! GURKEN! GURKEN! GURKEN! GURKEN! GURKEN! (CHANTING CONTINUES) QUIET! ERICA YURKEN. ERICA IS A VERY BEAUTIFUL NAME. DID YOU KNOW THAT IT MEANS 'GREAT HEROINE'? (LAUGHTER) AH! (CALMING MUSIC) (CALMING MUSIC CONTINUES) MISS BELMONT MADE ME FEEL SO SPECIAL. I WAS IN HEAVEN ` WHICH CONVENIENTLY WAS LOCATED NEXT TO THE STAFF ROOM. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (CLEARS THROAT) YOU MUST BE JEFF KENNARD. (CHUCKLES) I MEAN I` I MUST` I AM JEFF KENNARD. NIGELLA BELMONT. MISS BELMONT. JEFF KENNARD. P.E. POSITIVELY ENCHANTED. REALLY? I BET YOU NEED THAT, TOO, AFTER THE, UH, NOTORIOUS 9C. WHY IS THAT? TWO WORDS ` BARRY HOLLIS. BARRY? HE'S A SWEETHEART. THANK GOODNESS HE WAS THERE, BECAUSE I'D RUN OUT OF CIGARETTES. RIGHT. WELL, UM,... SHOULD YOU HAVE ANY TROUBLE, UH, IF YOU NEED SOME HELP... I'M YOUR MAN. (THUD!) OH, GET UP, MR KENNARD. IF YOU ASK ME, THE REAL WORRY IS 9C IS ERICA YURKEN. ERICA? WHY? ATTENTION SEEKER. SHE'S IN SICKBAY FOR THE SECOND TIME TODAY. SHE PRACTICALLY LIVES THERE. REALLY? ERICA! WHAT'RE YOU DOING? UM, DRAINING EARWAX. I HAVE A SPECIAL JOB FOR YOU. A JOB? (MR E'S 'BEAUTIFUL BLUES') # GODDAMN RIGHT, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY. # GODDAMN RIGHT, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY. # GIRL WITH THE CURLS AND THE SWEET, PINK RIBBON IN HER HAIR. JEDDA! JEDDA, COME ON! JEDDA, IT'S TAKEN 20 MINUTES TO GO TWO STREETS! I WANT TO GET HOME! NEIGHS: NO! MY LITTLE SISTER, JEDDA, HAD BEEN PRETENDING TO BE A HORSE FOR SEVEN YEARS. MUM SAID SHE NEEDED UNDERSTANDING. WHAT I NEEDED WAS A SET OF SPURS. I'M GOING. I'M GETTING A WHIP. # CLOWN WITH A FROWN, DRIVIN' DOWN TO THE SIDEWALK FAIR. # (JEDDA WHINNIES) AH, MINI YURKEN. STILL THINK YOU'RE A PONY? GIDDY UP. THE GOOD THING ABOUT BARRINGA EAST WAS THAT IT WAS A COMMUNITY. YOU WERE ALWAYS BUMPING INTO A FAMILIAR FACE. LIKE MR BROSECK ON HIS WAY HOME FROM WORK. EXCUSE ME? COPS! (SIRENS WAIL) SAY HI TO YOUR MUM, YEAH? HEY... (YELLS) AND YOU ALWAYS FELT SAFE IN BARRINGA EAST. PEOPLE KNEW THEIR NEIGHBOURS, NO MATTER HOW DIFFERENT. NOW DON'T START THAT AGAIN. YOU'RE LIKE A BROKEN RECORD. HI, MISS WALLACE. OH! GOD BLESS YOU, SISTER VERONICA. MY NAME'S ERICA. FORGIVE ME, SISTER ERICA. YOU LOOK SO MUCH LIKE YOUR SISTER, SISTER. (SIGHS) AND, NO, YOU'RE NOT IMAGINING IT. THEY ARE CROP CIRCLES. WOMAN: YEAH. HANG ON A SECOND. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) OH MY GOD. WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR EYEBROW? YOU FREAK. YEAH, DUDE, SHE'S ONLY GOT ONE EYEBROW. SO MY BIG SISTER WAS EMOTIONALLY CHALLENGED. SCREAMS: AH! AND MY LITTLE SISTER HAD TURNED OUR ROOM INTO A STABLE. BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER, BECAUSE ONE DAY I'D HAVE MY OWN ROOM. I WAS DESTINED FOR GREATER THINGS. GIVE ME MY ROMEO. WHEN HE SHALL DIE, TAKE HIM AND CUT HIM OUT INTO LITTLE STARS, AND HE WILL MAKE THE FACE OF HEAVEN SO BRIGHT THAT ALL THE WORLD WILL BE IN LOVE WITH NIGHT. (CHEERING) # HEY, NOW, YOU'RE AN ALL STAR. GET YOUR GAME ON, GO PLAY. # OH! (LAUGHS) I LOVE YOU! (CHEERING) # ONLY SHOOTING STARS BREAK THE MOULD. # HAVING A GOOD DREAM, ARE WE? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYEBROW? BARRY HOLLIS. HE'S BEEN KEEN ON YOU SINCE PRIMARY SCHOOL, THAT ONE. MUM! HE'S A PSYCHO. WHEN I'M RICH AND FAMOUS, I'M GONNA BUILD HIM HIS ONE LUNATIC ASYLUM. AS LONG AS YOU DON'T FORGET YOUR OLD MUM BUSTING HER GUT AT THE HAPPY LEPRECHAUN. OH, DON'T WORRY. I'LL NEED SOMEONE TO YELL AT THE SERVANTS. BUT THE REST OF THEM ARE OUT. ERK. JUST REMEMBER ` YOUR FAMILY'S WHO YOU ARE. I HOPE NOT. I'VE GOT ONE SISTER WHO THINKS SHE'S A HORSE; ANOTHER WHO'S GOT A BLACK BELT IN BEING A BITCH. AND BLOODY HARLEY'S STILL MOWING CROP CIRCLES IN THE FRONT LAWN. YOU'LL BE SINGING A DIFFERENT TUNE WHEN HE MAKES CONTACT WITH A ALIEN LIFE FORM. HE'S AN ALIEN LIFE FORM. JEDDA: MUM! (DOOR CLOSES) BARRY HOLLIS TEASED ME! BARRY HOLLIS. SOBS: HE TORE OFF MY TAIL! SHE'S EIGHT YEARS OLD. HOW DARE YOU LEAVE HER ALONE? I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU ABANDON HER AGAIN. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? SHE WAS EATING SOMEONE'S NATURE STRIP BLADE BY BLADE! UH, THAT'S TRUE, MUM. JEDDA'S A FREAK. YOU REALLY CAN'T BLAME YUK FOR THAT. THANKS, VALJOY. I'M GLAD SOMEBODY` THIS, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A REASON TO STRANGLE THE SLIMY LITTLE SNITCH. YOU SEE THAT? I MADE A SPECIAL MARK ON THERE, AND LOOK! SOME IS MISSING. YOU THIEVING PIECE OF SCUM! VALJOY, LET YOU SISTER GO AND WAIT YOUR BLOODY TURN. I HAVEN'T FINISHED WITH HER! (DOORBELL RINGS) NO, MUM! DON'T GO! SAY GOODNIGHT, YUK YUK. VALJOY! IT'S SKULL! YOU'RE DEAD! (UPBEAT MUSIC) WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, DRESSED LIKE THAT? OOH, LET ME THINK ABOUT IT... OUT! (UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) YOU GUYS HOME? DIDN'T HEAR YOU COME IN. YEP. AND BEFORE YOU ASK, THERE WAS NO CHANCE I WAS ADOPTED. I'D ALREADY CHECKED. (THUD!) LAST NIGHT, I SPENT HOURS GOING THROUGH YOUR ASSIGNMENTS ON GREENLAND. AND AFTERWARDS, I FELT... DIRTY. LIKE A PART OF MY LIFE HAD BEEN STOLEN FOREVER. SO NOW, I'M GOING TO STEAL A PART OF YOURS. IN A MATTER OF WEEKS, MISS BELMONT HAD CRUSHED US LIKE INSECTS. I LIKED HER. AH! JAMES ADAMS. WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT HALF A PAGE OF... DRAMATICALLY OBSCENE DRIVEL WRITTEN IN RED PEN THAT CONFUSES GREENLAND WITH QUEENSLAND? AH, I KNOW. (CLASSMATES GROAN) TOM BARROW. ON THE NET ARE WE, TOM? SOPHIE. AND NOW FOR... MUZZA. MISS FINLAND IN THE NATIONAL FLAG, WHILE FASCINATING TO YOU, DOES NOT NECESSARILY CONSTITUTE IN-DEPTH RESEARCH, DOES IT? AS USUAL, ERICA'S ASSIGNMENT WAS THE EXCEPTION. IT WAS LEGIBLE. IT MADE SOME SENSE. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, IT GOT THE RIGHT COUNTRY. WHOOPEE (!) BRAVO. YOU HEARD HER. I'M EXCEPTIONAL. WHICH, OF COURSE, I KNEW, BUT NEVER TIRED OF HEARING. I PUT ON AN EXPRESSION OF DIGNIFIED MODESTY AND WAITED FOR MORE PRAISE. THEN... (KNOCKING) MRS ORLANDO. DO COME IN. THIS MUST BE OUR NEW GIRL. (CLASSMATES MUTTER) ALISON ASHLEY. ALISON HAS RECENTLY RETURNED FROM TRAVELLING TO EUROPE. NOW WE ALL KNOW WHERE EUROPE IS, DON'T WE? AMERICA? I KNOW YOU WILL ALL MAKE ALISON FEEL WELCOME. ALISON, THERE'S A SPARE SEAT DOWN THE BACK NEXT TO ERICA. THANKS. (SLOW, MOMENTOUS MUSIC) ALISON ASHLEY WAS THE MOST EXQUISITE THING YOU EVER SAW. IT WAS LIKE SHE CAST A LIGHT OVER EVERYTHING AROUND HER. SUDDENLY, I WAS NO LONGER ALONE. AND I NEEDED TO LET HER KNOW THAT THERE WAS AT LEAST ONE OTHER TALL FLOWER IN THAT YARD FULL OF COUCH GRASS AND WEEDS. AND THE REFORMATION OF THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND IN HISTORY. REMEMBER? GET OUT YOUR HISTORY BOOKS. (MAGICAL MUSIC) I LOVE YOUR EARRINGS. I WOULD HAVE MY EARS PIERCED, BUT I'M ALLERGIC TO METHYLATED SPIRITS. SO I NEED A DERMATOLOGIST TO SUPERVISE POST-OPERATIVE CARE. MY SISTER VALJOY SAYS DOING JUST YOUR EARS IS A COP OUT. SHE'S GOT A TATTOO AND SHE'S GETTING A STUD IN HER TONGUE. BUT MY MUM SAYS THE ONLY THING THAT THEY'RE GOOD FOR IS TO MAKE SURE THAT... SHH... SO, WHY DID HENRY BREAK WITH ROME AND ESTABLISH THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND? ALISON? BECAUSE CATHERINE OF ARAGON COULDN'T GIVE HIM A MALE HEIR TO SECURE TO TUDOR LINE. AND HE WAS OBSESSED WITH ANNE BOLEYN. I ONLY KNOW THAT BECAUSE MY MUM MADE ME VISIT HAMPTON COURT. (LAUGHS) OH! WHATEVER. (BELL RINGS) CLASS DISMISSED. LADIES FIRST. ERICA. I KNOW I CAN RELY ON YOU TO SHOW ALISON AROUND. SURE, MISS BELMONT. YEAH, I'LL COME TOO. AFTER ERICA GIVES YOU THE FREAK SHOW, I'LL SHOW YOU THE GOOD STUFF. ALISON, THIS IS BARRY HOLLIS ` MY STALKER. YEAH, YOU WISH, YURKEN. (CROWD CHATTERS) THIS IS ALISON ASHLEY. SHE'S NEW HERE. OH, ALISON. JEFF KENNARD. P.E. I PUT THE FIZZ IN FIZZ-SICAL EDUCATION. (BOTH LAUGH) YOU, UH, PLAY ANY SPORT? YEAH, A BIT OF BASKETBALL. BASKETBALL? OH, THAT'S TREMENDOUS! OH, WE HAVE A WONDERFUL BASKETBALL PROGRAMME HERE. AND YOU WATCH ` WHEN THEY FINALLY LIFT THE BAN TO PLAY OTHER SCHOOLS, WE WILL RIP THROUGH THIS DISTRICT LIKE A FART! (IMITATES FART) (CHUCKLES) MISS LATTIMORE, ART TEACHER. UNNATURALLY CALM. AND THIS IS OUR LIBRARY. IT'S ACTUALLY DESIGNED BY AN ARCHITECT WHO'S FAMOUS NOW. ERICA: MR CHEALE? MEET ALISON ASHLEY. AH, THE NEW GIRL. WELCOME. MR CHEALE? WHAT DOES CRITICAL ERROR MEAN? (BEEPING) MARGEART. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? (BEEPING CONTINUES) GASPS: OH! OH, NO, NO, NO. DON'T WORRY, MR CHEALE, I'M SURE I CAN WORK IT OUT. NO, NO, NO. DON'T TOUCH IT! THE WHOLE SYSTEM... (DING!) MY DEAREST, YOU ARE A LIFESAVER. FOR A MINUTE I THOUGHT IT WAS... IT'S NOTHING, REALLY. MY DAD'S A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER AT SILICON VALLEY. OH! OH, WELL, NO` I KNOW THAT ROMEO AND JULIET IS WAY OVERDUE, BUT I'M STUDYING THE LEADING ROLE FOR CAMP DRAMA NIGHT. WELL, THAT'S FINE, ERICA. LISTEN, ALISON, IF EVER YOU WANT TO HELP US WITH THE COMPUTERS... OH, NO, NO. ALISON HASN'T GOT TIME AT THE MOMENT, MR CHEALE, BECAUSE I'M SHOWING HER AROUND. YOU'RE DOING A PLAY? OOH, YEAH. WELL, YEAH. OUR CLASS HAS BEEN CHOSEN TO DO IT THIS YEAR, AND I THOUGHT I SHOULD GET TO KNOW THE ROLE, SINCE THERE AREN'T MANY CANDIDATES FOR JULIET IN THIS PLACE. OH. (DRUMMING) HI, MRS ADAMS. CAN I HAVE A LUNCH ORDER, PLEASE? THIS IS ALISON, BY THE WAY. SHE'S NEW HERE. HI. YOU WANT ANYTHING? NO, I'M ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU. I DON'T REALLY EAT JUNK FOOD. WHAT? YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT? WHAT DO YOU EAT, THEN? UH, WELL, UM... VEGETABLES? WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMEONE WHO'S TRYING TO... TREAT OUR BODY WITH RESPECT, OK? WE LIVE ON HEALTHY, NATURAL STUFF, RIGHT? ERICA YURKEN. ONE CURRY PIE WITH SAUCE, ONE PINEAPPLE DONUT. (CHUCKLES) THEY'RE ALWAYS MAKING MISTAKES WITH LUNCH ORDERS HERE. NOW, I'VE SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST. IT'S JUST A LITTLE TASTE OF PARADISE IN THIS CHAOS. I` IT'S A SICKBAY. YOU DON'T LIKE THE SICKBAY? WELL, I MEAN, NOT REALLY. (LAUGHS) SICKNESS KIND OF GIVES ME THE CREEPS. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DIDN'T APPRECIATE THE VALUE OF SICKBAY? MAYBE ALISON ASHLEY WASN'T ALL I'D GIVEN HER CREDIT FOR. WELL, I'VE SHOWN YOU AROUND SO... I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU TO YOUR HEALTHY LUNCH. I WAS A LITTLE SHAKEN. BUT PRE-STERILISED WATERPROOF BAND-AIDS ALWAYS HAVE A SOOTHING EFFECT. (SIGHS) # OH, OH. # OH, OH. # OH, OH. # OH, OH. # LITTLE GIRL, YOU'RE TOO BIG FOR YOUR BOOTS # AT THINKING YOU'RE SO GOOD. ACTING CUTE. # IT DOESN'T SEEM TO EVER MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO. # OH MY GOD, YOU NEVER LOSE. # YOU NEVER LOSE. # OH, OH. # OH, OH. # OOH. # MY HEAD HURTS ALL OF THE TIME. # NIGHTS SPENT LOSING MY MIND. # OH, HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS RIGHT? # COS YOU'RE SO GOOD, # THERE'S NOBODY BETTER. # PRETTY. # ALWAYS SO CLEVER. # NOW, # WELL, NOW YOU'RE IN MY LIFE. # JUST GO. # GET OUT OF MY SIGHT. # OOH. # (GASPS) DINNER'S READY! LENNIE WAS A TRUCK DRIVER WHO'D BEEN TRYING TO SUCK UP TO MY MUM FOR OVER A YEAR. HE HAD THIS 'NICE GUY' ACT AND EVERYBODY LIKED HIM. BUT I COULD SEE RIGHT THROUGH HIM. THEY MET AT PARENTS WITHOUT PARTNERS. BUT LENNIE WAS YET TO PRODUCE ANY EVIDENCE OF CHILDREN. READS: WHO NEEDS A BODY? IT'S ASTRAL TRAVEL, MAN. IT'S, LIKE, YOU GO IN THIS SORT OF, LIKE, TRANCE, AND THEN YOU GET YOUR SOUL TO KIND OF LEAVE YOUR BODY AND GO SOMEWHERE ELSE, LIKE... INVISIBLE. YOU THINK YOU COULD ASTRAL TRAVEL YOURSELF INTO A JOB? NOW, NOW, LOVE. I` I THINK WE'VE GOTTA LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE, HERE. LIKE, IF HARLEY CAN TRAIN HIS SPIRIT TO TRAVEL AROUND BY ITSELF, THEN HE COULD GET A JOB AS A` AS A SPY. OH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I COULD GO TO WORK EVERYDAY WITHOUT EVEN LEAVING MY HAMMOCK. IF I HAD YOUR BODY, I'D WANT TO LEAVE IT TOO. (LAUGHS) THAT'S A GOOD ONE, ERK. IT'S ERICA TO YOU. SO, WHO WANTS A DRINK? I'LL GET IT. UH, YOU GUYS WANT TO, LIKE, MAKE UP YOUR MIND BEFORE WE ALL DIE OF THIRST? (CUTLERY CLATTERS) (MOUTHS) DON'T ASK ME WHY, BUT I SUDDENLY HAD A VISION OF THE INSIDE OF ALISON ASHLEY'S FRIDGE. WHY IS THIS FRIDGE ALWAYS FULL OF PISS-AWFUL CRAPPY JUNK FOOD? OH, CHARMING. NO, I MEAN, THERE'S STILL CAT FOOD IN THERE. DIDN'T NORM DIE A YEAR AGO? NORM'S DEAD? OF COURSE NOT, LOVE. HE'S STILL AT CAT BOARDING SCHOOL. CAT SCHOOL, HUH? HOW MUCH IS THAT COSTING US? NOT NOW, HARLEY. ALL RIGHT? ERK, YOU WANNA GIVE YOUR MUM A BREAK FOR A SECOND, PLEASE? WHEN I WANT FATHERLY ADVICE, I'LL CONTACT MY FATHER THROUGH THE RAAF OFFICE'S CLUB! YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO LENNIE BECAUSE HE IS VERY INTELLIGENT. INTELLIGENT? MUM, WHERE'S YOUR SELF-RESPECT? HE'S SO BENEATH YOU! RIGHT, THAT'S IT. YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM, NOW! AND FURTHER... (MUFFLED YELLING) I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY OWN MOTHER HAD TURNED ON ME... OVER A TRUCK DRIVER. YUK? WHAT? YOU CAN PAT ME IF YOU'D LIKE. (SIGHS) FACE IT, LITTLE TWERP. YOU ARE NOT A HORSE! YEAH? WELL, YOU'RE NO JULIET! (DOOR SLAMS) WHAT I REALLY NEEDED WAS A GOOD CRY. AND A MIRROR TO MAKE SURE IT LOOKED CONVINCING. I CRIED FOR ALL MY SORROWS. THERE WERE SO MANY, IT WAS HARD TO CHOOSE ANY SINGLE ONE. LIFE IS FULL OF INJUSTICE. THEN THE ACTRESS IN ME TOLD ME THIS WAS A TAKE. SO I GAVE IT MY ALL. 26. TAKE THREE. JUST ONE MORE ROAD FOR TO TOTE THE WEARY LOAD. NOW TO WIND IT ALL UP WITH SOMETHING POWERFUL AND... PROFOUND. OH, I WISH I WAS DEAD! OH! DEAD. DEAD. (GASPS) NO, I DON'T. (SOMBRE MUSIC) I WISH I WAS ALISON ASHLEY. ON THE FIRST FORM, PLEASE WRITE THE NAME OF TWO FRIENDS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE A CABIN WITH AT THE CAMP. NO TALKING ABOUT YOUR CHOICES. THE PERMISSION FORM` LADIES. THE PERMISSION FORM MUST BE SIGNED BY A PARENT AND RETURNED BEFORE YOU GET ON THE BUS TO CAMP DESOLATION. (MUTTERING) BY A PARENT, BARRY. NOT A REASONABLE FACSIMILE. THANK YOU. MISS BELMONT, CAN I PLEASE HAVE A SINGLE ROOM? IT'S JUST THAT I SUFFER FROM CHRONIC INSOMNIA AND... TWO NAMES, ERICA. NOW. (SIGHS) I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW IT HAPPENED. MAYBE MY PEN WAS POSSESSED, OR MY HAND. SUDDENLY IT WAS ACTING ON ITS OWN, WITHOUT ANY AUTHORITY FROM ME. OH. (SIGHS) (CAR ALARM RINGS DISTANTLY) SHE NEVER MADE ANY FRIENDS. SO MAYBE I FELT SORRY FOR HER. OR MAYBE IT WAS MY INSTINCT TO HELP THOSE LESS FORTUNATE THAN MYSELF. I'D ALWAYS BEEN PSYCHICALLY ATTUNED TO THE SUFFERING OF OTHERS. WHY ARE YOU HERE? IN THIS YARD OR IN THIS PLANET? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I'M KIND OF STUCK HERE FOR THE NEXT SIX WEEKS. I DON'T BELONG HERE, EITHER. NO? WELL, I WOULD'VE THOUGHT THAT WAS OBVIOUS. AND I'M TAKING STEPS TO GET OUT. ME TOO. MY NAME'S DOWN AT KYLE GRAMMAR, BUT THEY WOULDN'T TAKE ME MIDTERM. KYLE GRAMMAR? YOU COULD SEE KYLE GRAMMAR FROM THE TRAIN. IT ALWAYS MADE ME ACHE WITH JEALOUSY. I WOULD'VE LOVED TO GO TO A SCHOOL LIKE THAT. BEAUTIFUL GIRLS THINKING BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS. IT WAS WHERE I BELONGED. OH, THAT SNOBBY DUMP? MY MOTHER SAYS ALL YOU LEARN HOW TO DO THERE IS PLAY TENNIS AND HOLD DINNER PARTIES. IT DID HAVE THE BEST RESULTS IN YEAR 12. (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? YOU'RE CALLING MY MUM A LIAR? NO! I'M JUST SAYING. WHO AM I GONNA MEET HERE THAT'S GONNA HELP ME LATER ON IN LIFE? UNLESS I WANT A HOT TV. (LAUGHS) THANKS. UM... YOU KNOW WHAT? I KNEW IT. YOU JUST THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN US COS YOU LIVE UP ON SNOB HILL. NO, I DON'T! ALL I MEANT TO SAY WAS... NO, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT TO SAY, ALISON ASHLEY. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT. AT TIMES LIKE THIS, I NEEDED COMFORT. (GROANS) I HAVE THE WORST INDIGESTION. IT'S LIKE A KNIFE GOING INTO MY... LET ME GUESS. PANCREAS? MM. SPLEEN? AH, AH, AH! DUODENUM? MRS ORLANDO WAS A LOUSY SICKBAY ATTENDANT. ERICA: MUA-HA-HA. THIS... CHANCE... RACE INSIDE AND GRAB US A DISHCLOTH LIKE A GOOD GIRL, PLEASE? I'M LEARNING MY LINES. RASPBERRY CORDIAL! AND THERE I AM. WHERE IS MY ROMEO? THAT BOY ` HE'S SUCH A GREEN THUMB. I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT GARDENING APPRENTICESHIP NEVER WORKED OUT. TOMATOES SOON, HEY, HARLEY? I CAN'T STAND IT ANY MORE, LOVE. I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET ANYTHING EDIBLE OFF THAT PLANT. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DON'T THINK YOU'LL GET ANYTHING LEGAL EITHER, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT. POISON? I SEE, HATH BEEN HIS TIMELESS END. YOU SHOULD REALLY BURST OUT CRYING THERE, COS YOU JUST LOST THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE. OK. ONE, YOU DON'T KNOW ROMEO AND JULIET. YEAH, WELL, I SAW THE FILM, AND SHE GOES` AND TWO, I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND ALL OF THE ELEMENTS INVOLVED IN CONSTRUCTING A GREAT PERFORMANCE. AND THREE, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CRY AND NOW YOU'VE RUINED IT. AND FOUR, HERE'S YOUR FRIEND, ALISON ASHLEY. NICE TO MEET YOU, ALISON. NOT EVERYDAY YUK HAS A FRIEND DROP BY. LIKE, EVER. JEDDA. WELL, I WAS JUST, UM, PASSING BY, AND... HOW NICE. ...THOUGHT I'D COME VISIT. THOUGHT YOU LIVED IN THE HEIGHTS. YEAH. BUT I WAS AT THE RESTAURANT WITH MUM, AND SHE HAD TO START WORK, SO... YOUR MUM'S A WAITRESS TOO, IS SHE? (LAUGHS) I WORK AT THE HAPPY LEPRECHAUN. OH! OH, WELL, ACTUALLY, MUM'S A PARTNER, SO SHE HAS TO DO A BIT OF EVERYTHING. OH, WHAT PLACE? (SPEAKS FRENCH) (GASPS) THE FRENCH PLACE UP AT THE HEIGHTS. BET YOU THOSE FROG LEGS SCOOP A HOPPIN', EH? (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) THIS IS LENNIE. AND THAT WAS ONE OF HIS BETTER JOKES. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, LOVE, WHY DON'T YOU STAY FOR TEA? WE'RE HAVING A BARBIE. ERK WOULD LOVE YOU TO STAY, WOULDN'T YOU? ERK. HEY, LEN. GIDDAY, VAL. HEY, LOSER. (DUB PISTOLS' 'CYCLONE') HERE YOU GO. OH, COME ON. MUFFLED: YOU WANT ANOTHER ONE? SO... RAPS: # I RIP ROCK AND GRAVEL WHEN I TIME TRAVEL. # MY RHYME BUSTS SHOTS WITH THE BEATS THAT I BATTLE. # WHEN I GET IN YOUR HEAD, MY THOUGHTS BECOME LEAD. # PIPES THAT NEVER GET THE C'S OUT OF BREAD. # STRAIGHT BEAT THE BLOODSTREAM, TRY TO COME CLEAN. # GOT INTERVENED BY A DREAM THAT WAS SWEET. # WITH A 360 DEGREE TURN ON THE GLOBE, BUT NOW YOU GOT ME RUNNIN' AROUND MY AREA CODE. (SCREAMS) # YOU GOT ME RUNNING IN A CYCLONE. # YOU GOT ME RUNNING IN A CYCLONE. # I HOPE I'M NOT LATE FOR THE BOAT. UM, ALISON ASHLEY'S GOTTA GO NOW. LET'S GO INTO MY ROOM. SO? YOUR PARENTS ARE COOL. WHAT? YOU THINK LENNIE IS... LENNIE'S NOT MY DAD. HE'S JUST THIS TRUCK DRIVER MUM` I MEAN, LIKE, YOU KNOW. WE HARDLY KNOW HIM. MY MUM'S REAL BOYFRIEND OWNS A STUD FARM. RACE HORSES. I HELP TRAIN THEM. COS I'M REALLY GOOD WITH HORSES. OH. OH? WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? WELL, IT JUST EXPLAINS YOUR LITTLE SISTER. NOTHING EXPLAINS MY LITTLE SISTER. SO DO YOU SEE YOUR DAD MUCH? WELL,... (CLEARS THROAT) IF YOU MUST KNOW, MY REAL DAD'S DEAD. OH, I'M SORRY. IF IT'S ANY HELP, MY DAD LIVES IN LA WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND, AND I NEVER GET TO SEE HIM. THAT'S NOT LIKE HAVING A DEAD FATHER, THOUGH, IS IT? NOT REALLY. YOU'RE SO COMPETITIVE, YOU KNOW THAT, ALISON ASHLEY? HE WAS A TEST PILOT AND HIS PLANE WENT DOWN. THEY STILL TALK ABOUT THE MISSION. DISAPPEARED INTO THE SEA, RESCUING HIS COMRADES. (SIGHS) BUT... EVERY YEAR, ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF HIS DEATH,... ...WE'D TAKE A WREATH OF FLOWERS DOWN TO THAT LONELY BEACH. (MELANCHOLY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) AND CAST THEM OUT TO SEA IN HIS HONOUR. (MELANCHOLY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC SWELLS) BUT DON'T MENTION IT TO MUM BECAUSE SHE'S NOT REALLY OVER IT YET. BUT DOESN'T SHE HAVE A BOYFRIEND? PARDON? THE BOYFRIEND WITH THE STUD FARM. YEAH, BUT` WELL, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE DEAL WITH THEIR GRIEF IN DIFFERENT WAYS. LOOK, CAN I TRUST YOU? YEAH. MY BROTHER, HARLEY, HE'S A SPY-IN-TRAINING. HE'S RESEARCHING THE USE OF ASTRAL TRAVEL FOR ESPIONAGE ON AN URBAN SETTING, WHICH IS HIS COVER. SO, HE'S NOT YOUR BROTHER, THEN? NO, NO, NO. HE'S MY BROTHER. WELL, THEN, YOUR MOTHER'S NOT YOUR MOTHER. NO, MY MOTHER'S MY MOTHER. MY BROTHER'S MY BROTHER, AND SO ARE MY SISTERS. AND LENNIE? HARLEY'S SUPERVISOR. SO HE'S NOT A TRUCK DRIVER? NOPE. AND THE` THE TRUCK OUT THE FRONT ISN'T HIS? MM-MM. OH, YEAH. THE TRUCK. YEAH, NO, THAT'S HIS. YEAH, NO, HE JUST DRIVES IT FOR AUTHENTICITY. SO, HE'S A... A METHOD SPY? GOT IT. RIGHT. UM, ABOUT MY FAMILY, I JUST... IT'S OK. YOUR SECRET'S SAFE WITH ME. I KNOW IT'S A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE. YOU THINK SO? YOU DON'T KNOW MY MOTHER. YEAH. AT LEAST SHE WORKS IN A NICE PLACE, NOT LIKE THE HAPPY LEPRECHAUN. YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID, I USED TO COME UP HERE ALL THE TIME ` PRETEND I WAS PART OF ALL THIS. THAT I LIVED HERE, I MEAN. LOOK AT ALL THESE CLEAN STREETS AND BEAUTIFUL HOUSES. ALISON? (RELAXED MUSIC) THANK YOU, ERICA. THANK YOU, ALISON. PLEASE BE AWARE THAT NO ELECTRONIC DEVICES ARE PERMITTED ON CAMP, AS THEY WILL BE CONFISCATED. YUK, ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ON SATURDAY, I... WHAT? YOU MEAN WHEN YOU DUMPED ME? NOW, I HOPE YOU'VE ALL REMEMBERED TO PUT IN YOUR FORM. (BELL RINGS) REMEMBER, NO FORM, NO CAMP. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) WHAT ABOUT 'RING THAT BELL'? YOU'RE KIDDING. OUT OF THE PROVINCIALS FOR THE FIRST TIME? I'LL PASS. THAT'S DISGRACEFUL. AN INNOCENT CHILD BETTING HER POCKET MONEY ON THE RACES, AND YOU ENCOURAGE HER. GIVE IT A REST, LOVE. YOU KNOW SHE DOESN'T PLACE THE BETS. I'M TOO SHORT FOR THE WINDOW. YEAH, PLUS WE WOULDN'T COME HOME WITH A CENT WITHOUT HER. (CHUCKLES) OH, HAVE A LOOK A LOOK AT YOU. YOU LOOK A MILLION DOLLARS. CAN WE GET BACK TO THIS, PLEASE? EH? DID ANY OF YOU FEEL MY SPIRITUAL PRESENCE IN YOUR ROOM LAST NIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH US? NO WAY. I GOTTA PACK FOR CAMP. THAT'S RIGHT. SHE'S OFF NEXT MONDAY. WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU, ERK. ERICA. IT'S ERICA TO YOU. MEANS GREAT HEROINE. OOH, I'M FEELING LUCKY. OK, LOVE. (LAUGHS) (SHRIEKS) (LAUGHS) (TRUCK DOOR CLOSES) (LENNIE LAUGHS) (ENGINE STARTS) WHERE ARE YOU GOING? NO, YOU CAN'T COME. (TRUCK HONKS) IT CAN BE LONELY WHEN YOU'RE EXCEPTIONAL. LONELY AND BORING. EXCEPT WHEN YOU HAVE SOMEONE'S DESTINY IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND. WITHOUT THIS FORM, THERE WAS NO WAY ALISON ASHLEY COULD COME ON THE CAMP. SHE'D BE STUCK AT SCHOOL, ALL ON HER OWN, WITH NO ONE BUT THE TEACHERS TO SUCK UP TO. WAIT A MINUTE. ALISON AND THE TEACHERS FOR A WHOLE WEEK? SHE'D PLAYED ME! BIG TIME! LUCKILY, I WAS ONE STEP AHEAD OF HER. SHE'D DELIBERATELY LET HER FORM FALL, HOPING I'D COME ALONG AND PICK IT UP. SHE KNEW I COULDN'T RESIST. I'M NOT MADE OF STONE. (JACKET'S 'TRASHED') # BA, BA, BA. # BA, BA, BA. # BA. BA, DA, DA. # BA, DA, DA. # IF YOU GET TRASHED AT THE PARTY, # WE'LL COME AND FIND YOU LATER. # IF YOU GET HOME, MY DARLING, # WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE TO WAKE YOU. RAPS: # WE'RE DANCIN', ROMANCIN'. (SHRIEKS) (RAP CONTINUES) CHORUS: # WE'RE ON THE PARTY! # WE'RE ON THE PARTY! # IF YOU GET TRASHED AT THE PARTY, # WE'LL COME AND FIND YOU LATER. # IF YOU GET HOME, MY DARLING... # (SHRIEKS) (CRASH!) YURKEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I'M GONNA SUE YOU. (SPITS) I WAS JUST... INNOCENTLY WALKING UP YOUR DRIVEWAY, WHEN THIS WHEELIE BIN JUST SHOT OUT IN FRONT OF ME, WHICH WAS UNSECURED! WHERE YOU SPYING ON US? HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU? NO. NO. THE ONLY REASON I CAME WAS TO GIVE YOU YOUR STUPID FORM, WHICH (SPITS) YOU DROPPED AT SCHOOL. WOMAN: ALISON? WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON OUT THERE? (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE) UM, NOTHING! THE BIN JUST, UM, FELL OVER. I'LL CLEAN IT UP. AND WHO THE HELL IS THAT, SCREAMING AND CRASHING ABOUT? WELL, IT'S` IT'S NOBODY. JUST GET BACK TO SLEEP. YOU'VE GOT WORK TONIGHT. NOBODY, HUH? THANKS A LOT. I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT. NO, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT. WHAT I DON'T KNOW IS WHY I BOTHER. HERE. OH, MY BABY! DON'T LEAVE ME! WHAT IF YOU GET LOST IN THE WILDERNESS? WHAT IF YOU GET BITTEN BY A SNAKE? WHAT IF YOU FALL DOWN A DITCH? WHAT IF I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN? WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH YOUR SEMI-HUMAN OFFSPRING. (CHUCKLES) IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, CALL ME. MM-HM. WEAR YOUR THONGS IN THE SHOWER. DON'T WANT YOU CATCHING SOME FUNGAL THING. MUM! (TRUCK HONKS) YOUR MUM'S GONNA MISS YOU THIS WEEK. 'COURSE. WHO ELSE HAS SHE GOT FOR COMPANY? OH, SHE RESPECTS YOUR JUDGEMENT. AND SHE RESPECTS YOU. SO DO I. THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT YOU'D BE THE BEST ONE I SHOULD HAVE A TALK TO. I'M THE ONLY ONE YOU CAN TALK TO. IT'S JUST, YOUR MUM AND I HAVE BEEN TALKING, AND WE THOUGHT THAT IT'D BE A... WE JUST DECIDED WE` WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY? OH, LOOK, I KNOW SHE WANTS YOUR APPROVAL. SO WOULD I. COS I KNOW DEEP DOWN WE'RE MATES, AREN'T WE? SO I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW YOU'D FEEL ABOUT... HAVING A NEW DAD? WHAT? HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK...? YOU'RE MARRYING MY MOTHER? FOR ONE THING, SHE'S WAY TOO GOOD FOR YOU, AND YOU'RE INSULTING THE MEMORY OF MY FATHER. I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU STOPPED PRETENDING, YOUNG LADY, ABOUT YOUR FATHER, BECAUSE HE'S NOT EVEN DEAD. WE BOTH KNOW THAT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. STOP THE TRUCK HERE. HE'S NOT COMING BACK. AND YOUR MUM DOESN'T WANT HIM BACK. AND HE TOLD YOUR MUM HE DOESN'T WANT HER, AND HE DOESN'T WANT Y` (SOMBRE MUSIC) OH, ERK` MY NAME IS ERICA! ERICA! GET IT? AND YOU'RE A LIAR. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. AND YOU WILL NEVER EVER BE MY FATHER! (SOMBRE MUSIC) (SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES) OK. IF I COULD HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE. (SHARP WHISTLE) NOW, I'D LIKE YOU ALL TO LINE UP NICE AND CALMLY. SINGLE FILE. NOW WHEN I SAY SINGLE FILE... (YELLING) GROANS: OH! (EXCITED CHATTER) GET UP, JEFFREY. SILENCE, PLEASE! SIT DOWN, LADIES. SIT DOWN, GENTLEMEN. THANK YOU. DON'T THROW EACH OTHER OUT THE WINDOW. HURRY UP, FOSTER. WALK, DON'T EAT. RIGHT. NOW, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALL LOOKING FORWARD TO A FANTASTIC TIME AT CAMP DESOLATION. (GAGS) ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BARRY? THIS COULD BE ONE OF THE MOST REWARDING EXPERIENCES OF YOUR LIVES. NOW AT OUR CAMP THIS YEAR, OUR THEME IS, HARMONY. REPEAT AFTER ME. HARMONY. ALL: HARMONY. HONESTY. ALL: HONESTY. AND BLIND OBEDIENCE. ALL: AND BLIND OBEDIENCE. PLEASE REMEMBER THIS AND PRACTICE IT. ALSO REMEMBER THAT THE CAMP IS SURROUNDED BY ANY EXCELLENT PLACES TO HIDE BODIES. (POP! POP! POP! POP!) THANK YOU. HEAD COUNT. THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME. ALISON ASHLEY WASN'T ON THE BUS. WHO'S MISSING? (REGGAE MUSIC) OK. READY TO LEAVE NOW. SO HOLD ON AND JUST ENJOY. (REGGAE MUSIC CONTINUES) (SIREN WAILS) (BUS BACKFIRES) (REGGAE MUSIC CONTINUES) (COW MOOS, INDISTINCT CHATTER) BUZZY BOB. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL IT TAKE? WELL, I WILL TRY AND FINISH THIS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. WELL, I HOPE SO. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER JEFF CAN KEEP THE LITTLE ONES AMUSED. OK. BOB'S BUZZING. MISS BELMONT AND BUZZY BOB FINALLY WENT FOR HELP. THEY'D BEEN GONE FOR HOURS, EVEN THOUGH THE NEAREST TOWN WAS ONLY 2KM AWAY. AND LEFT US IN MR KENNARD'S CAPABLE HANDS. MUFFLED: SOMEONE UNTIE ME AND I'LL COME AND GET YA. I DECIDED TO SPEND THE TIME CASTING MY ROMEO, BUT THINGS LOOKED BLEAK. THEY WERE ALL SUCH REPULSIVE OPTIONS. AT LEAST BARRY HOLLIS WAS A TALL, REPULSIVE OPTION. AND THERE WAS NO OTHER CHOICE FOR JULIET, WAS THERE? (REGGAE MUSIC) # WHEN THE TIME WALK OUT, YOU BETTER BE AWAY. # THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO DO, AND NOTHING ELSE TO SAY. OK! EVERYBODY OFF IN A NICE ORDERLY FASHION. NOW, THAT'S NOT ORDERLY, IS IT? HEY! GOTTA GET THE BAGGAGE, BUT JUST STAY BEHIND ME, GUYS. EVERYTHING'S ORGANISED AT THE MOMENT. HEY, BOB? BUZZY, JEFF. BUZZY! TAKE IT EASY, GUYS! BE CAREFUL, ALL RIGHT? NICE AND ORDERLY. (BLOWS SHARPLY) THANK YOU. (STATIC) (BUZZING) AW, MISS. (LAUGHTER) RIGHT! YOU'LL STAND AT ATTENTION UNTIL YOUR CABINS ARE ASSIGNED. THE LAYOUT IS AS FOLLOWS; THE BOYS CABINS ARE TO THE LEFT. THE GIRLS CABINS TO THE RIGHT. SHOWER BLOCK, DINING HALL, REC HALL. CABINS ARE... VIVA, SARAH, LAVINIA ` CABIN 10. BOTH: YES! ERICA, ALISON, MARGEART ` CABIN 12. CRYSTAL, NICOLE, VICKY ` CABIN 5. DUNNO HOW I ENDED UP SHARING A CABIN WITH YOU. LOOK AT MY FACE. I AM ABSOLUTELY THRILLED. DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE PROBLEM WITH WIND IN THE MORNING? (SIGHS) SEE, I SUFFER FROM A VERY DELICATE STOMACH AND SEVERE ALLERGIES, SO I CAN'T EAT PROCESSED MEATS. OK, WELL, THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO LET THE COOKS KNOW IN THE MORNING WHAT YOU CAN AND CAN'T HAVE. NOW, HAVE YOU BROUGHT ANYTHING FROM HOME FOR TONIGHT? YES, MISS. OK. BUT, UM, DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE IT IN THE CABIN, COS I KIND OF FEEL STRANGE IN FRONT OF THE OTHERS? YES, THAT'S FINE. BUT ONLY FOR TONIGHT. OK. THANKS. (BACKGROUND CHATTER) WHY HADN'T I THOUGHT OF THAT? HURRY UP, ERICA! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) SILENCE, PLEASE! NOW, MISS LATTIMORE IS HEAD OF OUR DRAMA NIGHT, AND SHE'D LIKE TO HAVE A FEW WORDS TO YOU. (APPLAUSE) THANK YOU, MISS BELMONT. NOW, AS YOU KNOW, 9C, YOU'VE BEEN CHOSEN TO PUT ON THE PLAY AT CAMP DRAMA NIGHT. BUT THIS YEAR, IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT. POOR OLD ROMEO AND JULIET'S BEEN DONE TO DEATH. SO, YOU'LL BE WRITING YOUR OWN ORIGINAL MASTER. ROMEO AND JULIET HAS A LONG AND RESPECTED TRADITION AT` AT CAMP DRAMA NIGHT. AND, WELL, I THINK ESPECIALLY IN THESE TROUBLED TIMES, WE HAVE TO RESPECT THAT TRADITION. SO, FIRST THING TOMORROW, YOU'LL BE FINDING IDEAS FOR YOUR... - BUT I'VE LEARNT EVERY LINE IN ROMEO AND JULIET! IT'S A CLASSIC! - (LAUGHTER) ERICA. GIVE IT UP, YURKEN. NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOU PRANCING AROUND ON STAGE. (LAUGHTER) ALL: OOOH. YOU WOULDN'T DARE. (CROWD EXCLAIMS) (EXCLAIMING CONTINUES) YOU SO WANT ME. ALL: OH! (LAUGHTER) (CHATTER, LAUGHTER) CHANTING: ERICA AND BARRY! ERICA AND BARRY! ERICA AND BARRY! ERICA AND BARRY! ALL RIGHT, THEN, PLEASE, SETTLE! THAT'S ENOUGH. I WANTED OUT. I CONSIDERED FAKING A GALLSTONE ATTACK, BUT I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHICH SIDE MY GALL BLADDER WAS ON. CHOCOLATE? I'LL GIVE YOU HALF IF YOU SHUT UP ABOUT IT. YOU LIAR. DINNER OVER ALREADY? STRAINED: NO. THIS CAMP'S OVER FOR ME. MISS LATTIMORE'S SICK OF ROMEO AND JULIET, SO WE'RE NOT DOING IT. SO WHAT? SO WHAT? I'VE BEEN PREPARING TO PLAY JULIET ALL YEAR! MY MUM'S EXPECTING. ALL THE PARENTS ARE COMING. MINE WON'T BE. YES, WELL, NOT EVERYTHING'S JUST ABOUT YOU, IS IT? YOU KNOW I GOT THAT ALLERGIES THING FROM YOU. (SIGHS) WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT? FAKING IT. FAKING IT? MM. SHAME ON YOU. FOR SOME OF US, ALLERGIES ARE LIFE-THREATENING. (CHUCKLES) GOODNIGHT. SHUT UP! (EXHALES QUICKLY) (YELPS) (EXCLAIMS) MUM. WAKE UP, IT'S AN EMERGENCY! ERK, WHAT IS IT? YOU HAVEN'T BEEN BITTEN BY SOMETHING, HAVE YOU? NO. IT'S NOT A PHYSICAL EMERGENCY AS SUCH, IT'S MORE OF AN EMOTIONAL EMERGENCY AND I... EMOTIONAL EMERGENCY? YES! YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE WAY THAT THESE PEOPLE ARE TREATING ME HERE. YOU HAVE TO COME AND GET ME RIGHT NOW. WHY? WHAT ARE THEY DOING? WHAT'S HAPPENING? AREN'T THEY FEEDING YOU? NO, IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT. IT'S` I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE MISSING ME, THAT'S ALL. GO TO SLEEP, ERK. AND CALL AT A DECENT HOUR NEXT TIME. YOU KNOW I HATE ANSWERING THE PHONE AT NIGHT. IT'S USUALLY THE POLICE ABOUT VALJOY. JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO HEAR MY VOICE, THAT'S ALL. I HEARD IT THIS MORNING. HEY. (GASPS) (SMACK!) EXCUSE ME. DID YOU THINK IT WAS THAT BUTCHER? WHO? YOU KNOW, THE BUTCHER. THE ONE WHO, UH, HACKED UP THOSE KIDS HERE A FEW YEARS AGO. THEY NEVER CAUGHT HIM, YOU KNOW. AND HE'LL BE BACK. COS PSYCHOS ALWAYS RETURN TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME. WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW. WHO'RE YOU RINGING? YOUR MUM? THAT WAS MY BOYFRIEND, DWAYNE. BEGGED ME TO CALL HIM EVERY NIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I, UH, SAW YOU SNEAKING OUT OF YOUR CABIN. SO I FOLLOWED YOU. WELL, YOU DO GO THAT EXTRA MILE TO ANNOY, DON'T YOU, BARRY? YEAH, IT'S A GIFT. GIFT? WHAT'RE YOU DOING NOW? I THOUGHT I MIGHT TRY SLEEPING. DO YOU WANNA HANG AROUND? I'VE GOT A LIGHTER. SO? WE COULD BURN SOMETHING. I'LL TAKE THAT LIGHTER, BARRY. AND THE CIGARETTES. AND ERICA, BE GONE BY THE TIME I COUNT TO ONE. BARRY HOLLIS! THIS IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR! COME ON! HOLLIS! (LAUGHTER) GETTING PRICKS AND THINGS IN MY FEET! WE CAN CUT A DEAL. NO ONE HAS TO` NOW, GIVE ME MY PANTS! LISTEN, DON'T MAKE ME ANGRY, BARRY. (BELLS RING) (HUMS) (ALL HUM UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) LET'S ALL BREATHE IN THE FRESH COUNTRY AIR. (ALL INHALE DEEPLY) (EXHALES) AND SOAK UP THIS INCREDIBLE ENVIRONMENT, UNTIL OUR CREATIVE JUICES START FLOWING, AND THE MUSE OF WRITING INSPIRES US. (INHALES) I'VE GOT IT! THE STORY OF A KID, RIGHT? AND HIS PARENTS ARE KILLED. KEEP GOING, TOM. LET IT FLOW. WELL, HE` HE` HE'S BROUGHT UP BY HIS NASTY UNCLE AND AUNT. AND HIS BIG, FAT, UGLY COUSIN. AND THEY MAKE HIM SLEEP UNDER THE STAIRS. UNTIL ONE DAY,... (HOOTS) NEXT. I KNOW. HOW 'BOUT WE DO THIS THING ABOUT THIS REALLY GORGEOUS GIRL WHO'S NORMAL, RIGHT? YEAH. LIKE, NORMAL. BUT GORGEOUS. YEAH. AND, UM, ONE DAY, SHE'S WALKIN' THROUGH... A GRAVEYARD. YEAH! AND SHE FINDS OUT THAT SHE'S... ...BUFFY! BUFFY! YEAH. YEAH. (SCOFFS) NEXT. WHEN I SAID SOMETHING ORIGINAL, I MEANT UNIQUE. AND SPECIAL. BUFFY'S SPECIAL. YEAH, AND SO'S HARRY POTTER. BUT THEY'RE JUST THINLY-VEILED DERIVATIONS OF CINDERELLA. SO, HAS ANYONE GOT ANYTHING? WHAT ABOUT YUK? I MEAN, WE KNOW SHE'S GOT A GREAT IMAGINATION. ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR, ALISON ASHLEY? ERICA, RELAX. AND TELL US. HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING? OF COURSE I DO. ALISON ASHLEY HAD THROWN DOWN THE GAUNTLET, AND I WAS DETERMINED TO SHOW HER ONCE AND FOR ALL. THERE'S THIS GIRL... SHE'S REALLY TALENTED. NO, EXCEPTIONAL. SHE'S GOT TWO SISTERS; TOTAL LOSERS. LIKE ONE WHO'S A COMPLETE COW AND... HANG ON. ...ANOTHER ONE WHO THINKS SHE'S A BLOODY HORSE! THIS IS A THINLY-VEILED VERSION OF CINDERELLA AGAIN? NO. NO. ONLY IN THE SENSE THAT IT'S A STORY OF MYTHICAL PROPORTIONS. THE REST IS... IT'S COMPLETELY DEPRESSINGLY REAL. OK. I'M LIKING IT. NO, MISS LATTIMORE, I'M NOT TALKING FAIRY TALES HERE. I'M` I'M TALKING SEARING SOCIAL SATIRE. IT'S` IT'S THE BETRAYAL AND-AND` AND THE GREED AND` AND CORRUPTION AND LUST. WILL IT BE FUNNY? YEAH, OF COURSE. ALL MY WORK IS INHERENTLY WITTY. ONE OF THE MAIN THEMES HERE AT THE CAMP ` HARMONY. NOW THIS ` THIS IS A REAL TEAM EVENT. NOW IF IT WASN'T FOR MY TWO... DEPENDABLE TEAMMATES, I'D NEVER MAKE IT ACROSS. - (SPLASH!) - (SCREAMING) I DECIDED TO MAKE THE PLAY ABOUT THE TWO THINGS I KNEW BEST ` PAIN AND BETRAYAL. AND WHERE BETTER TO SET IT THAN IN A HOSPITAL. YELLS: HOLLIS! THAT'S WHAT REAL WRITERS DO. THEY USE THE STUFF AROUND THEM. THAT'S WHY I HAD CHARACTERS LIKE... THE REBELLIOUS YOUNG DOCTOR WHO LIVED LIFE ON THE EDGE. THE TWO UGLY WARD SISTERS WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE BEAUTIFUL. AND EVERY HOSPITAL NEEDED A COMA VICTIM. BUT THE STORY WOULD FOCUS ON THE CINDERELLA CHARACTER ` NURSE ELLA. A BEAUTIFUL, BRILLIANT, OPTIMISTIC AND SELFLESS YOUNG GIRL FROM THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS, WHO WAS ALMOST PSYCHICALLY ATTUNED TO THE SUFFERING OF OTHERS. THE THING IS NOT TO PANIC IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS. YOU JUST` JUST` JUST STAY CALM. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. (YELPS) LIFE IS FULL OF OBSTACLES. AND YOU FACE ONE TODAY. LET'S GO! THAT'S WHAT WE CALL TEAMWORK. I FOUND THAT COMING UP WITH IDEAS FOR CHARACTERS WAS EASY. BUT I STILL DIDN'T HAVE A STORY. THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED ON A MURDER. THAT'S WONDERFUL! THE LEADING ROLE? NURSE ELLA. SHE'S A CROSS BETWEEN MISS BELMONT AND CINDERELLA. OH, ERK. YOU REALLY ARE AN ACTRESS. DID YOU EVER DOUBT IT? YOU'LL BE NEEDING SOME SPECIAL GLASS SLIPPERS. OH YEAH, THE GLASS SLIPPERS. SO, IN MY VERSION, NURSE ELLA IS THE NEW RECRUIT AT THE HOSPITAL, WHO IS QUICKLY TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY THE TWO EVIL, UGLY WARD SISTERS, WHO IS OF COURSE PLAYED BY CRYSTAL AND NICOLE. IN SCENE ONE... HANG ON. WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE UGLY? I MEAN, HELLO? WHEN I SAY UGLY, I MEAN UGLY ON THE INSIDE. OH! OH OK. WELL, I GUESS THAT'S ALL RIGHT. YEAH. THAT'S ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. SO... AND ACTION! THIS WAS IT. MY FIRST STEP ON THE ROAD TO GREATNESS. (MOMENTOUS MUSIC) AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A DRAMATIC PAUSE; MY NATURAL ACTRESS INSTINCTS MILKING THE EXPECTATIONS OF THE HUSHED AUDIENCE. THEN I REALISED, WHAT WAS REALLY HAPPENING... NOTHING. BUT IT COULDN'T BE! NOT STAGE FRIGHT. NO, I`I` I'M A GREAT ACTRESS. ENCORE. MAYBE I JUST NEEDED TO CLEAR MY THROAT. (CLEARS THROAT) THEY WERE OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO PUT ME OFF. COME ON, YUK. STOP SCREWING AROUND. LOOK, SINCE,... I HAVE TO DIRECT EVERYONE AND WORK OUT THE STAGING, I JUST... BETTER READ MY LINES FROM HERE. BUT HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THE MOVES? WELL, MARGEART, YOU'RE A COMA VICTIM. YOU DON'T HAVE TO MOVE. OK, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN. SO... I FELT ALONE AND MILES FROM HOME. BUT YOU TAUGHT ME HOME'S THE PLACE INSIDE YOU THAT YOU KEEP FOR THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE. AND MY HOME'S WITH YOU. IS THAT IT? MY KNEE IS KILLING ME. AND CURTAIN. ALL RIGHT! THIS PLAY'S GONNA BE SICK. NO. NOT IF YURKEN DOES EVERYTHING FROM THAT CHAIR, BECAUSE IT'S TOO CONFUSING. WELL, I CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO WRITE AND DIRECT AND ACT ALL AT THE SAME TIME. SO, I'M GOING TO NEED A STAND-IN DURING REHEARSALS. ALISON, YOU CAN BE MY UNDERSTUDY. WHAT? OH NO. I'M DOING THE PROPS. LOOK, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'LL TAKE CARE OF THOSE. NOBODY EXPECTS YOU TO BE ANY GOOD, ANYWAY. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SAY THE LINES. THERE'S NOTHING TO IT. YOU SEE,... WHEN I FIRST GOT HERE, I THOUGHT I COULD DO IT ON MY OWN. I FELT ALONE AND MILES AWAY FROM HOME. BUT YOU TAUGHT ME THAT HOME IS A PLACE YOU KEEP INSIDE YOU FOR THE ONES YOU LOVE. AND I KNOW THAT MY HOME IS WITH YOU. SHH! IT WAS OBVIOUS SHE'D STOOP TO ANY LENGTHS TO UPSTAGE ME. BUT EVEN SHE COULDN'T TOP VALJOY'S NEGLIGEE. MAYBE I'D RISK DEATH BY STEALING IT, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT TO SEE EVERYONE'S REACTION. WOMAN: ALISON, THAT'S GORGEOUS. THANKS. IS IT REAL? YEAH, IT'S SILK I THINK. YOU WERE SO GOOD TODAY. YOU'RE SUCH A FANTASTIC ACTRESS. I WAS JUST STAND-IN FOR YUK. YUK? PLEASE. SHE COULDN'T BE NURSE ELLA. (LAUGHTER) ISN'T ELLA SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD-LOOKING? (LAUGHTER) YOU SHOULD BE THE STAR, ALISON. HEY, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING A BIT ROUGH ON THE GURKEN? (GASPING) WHISPERS: WHAT'S HE DOING HERE? WHAT? LOOK, I'M GETTING IN TOUCH WITH MY FEMININE SIDE. ALL: GET OUT! YOU PERVERT! (SOMBRE MUSIC) DID YOU KNOW HOW VIOLENT THEY GOT? SOMEONE COULD'VE TAKEN MY EYE OUT WITH A TAMPON. (GRUNTS) YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO NEED FOR THIS. AW. YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD QUIT` (MELANCHOLY MUSIC) ALISON'S KIMONO WAS PERFECT. IT LOOKED PERFECT. (SIGHS) IT FELT PERFECT, JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT HER. WHA...? BARRY HOLLIS? YUK. YUK! WHY ARE YOU WEARING ALISON ASHLEY'S THING? YOU THOUGHT I WAS ALISON ASHLEY? WOULD IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE? ERICA YURKEN AND BARRY HOLLIS! GET BACK TO YOUR CABINS NOW! MOVE IT! I'D STAYED AWAY FOR MOST OF THE NEXT DAY. CHAOS WOULD BE REIGNING, AND THEY'D BE BEGGING ME TO TAKE CONTROL AGAIN. NOW IT WAS TIME TO SHOW ALISON ASHLEY WHO THE REAL NURSE ELLA WAS. YUK! HOW DO I LOOK? ALISON FOUND IT FOR ME. YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS, MARGEART. MARGARET. MY NAME IS MARGARET. JUST COS I SPELLED IT WRONG THE FIRST TIME I WROTE IT. YEAH, LAST YEAR! TWO YEARS AGO. DOESN'T MEAN EVERYONE HAS TO CALL ME THAT. UH, YUK, WE NEED TO SPEAK ABOUT MY CHARACTER. OK, WHAT'S UP? THIS DR HOLLINGS. HE'S A PYROMANIAC. WHAT SELF-RESPECTING PYROMANIAC THROWS HIMSELF INTO A FIRE TO SAVE SOMEONE ELSE? BECAUSE IRONY, BARRY. NO. NO, I DON'T KNOW. THAT'S NOT WORKING FOR ME. SEE IF YOU CAN DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR ME. YUK! YES? THIS ROPE. IT'S JUST NOT DOING IT FOR ME AS INTESTINES. YOU PROMISES SAUSAGES, REMEMBER? YES. YES. FOR THE SAKE OF THE SCENE, PLEASE. YES, TOM. I'M ON IT, I SWEAR. IT'S ALL RIGHT. OK? HEY, ALISON LOOKS GREAT IN HER COSTUME, DOESN'T SHE? WELL, IT'S NOT MINE, TOM. I MADE IT FOR YUK. I MEAN, SHE IS PLAYING ELLA. HM. AND WHO AUTHORISED YOU TO START WORKING ON THE COSTUMES WITHOUT ME APPROVING THEM? WELL, YOU WEREN'T HERE. I KNOW A MUTINY WHEN I SEE ONE. ADMIT IT. YOU WANTED TO GET RID OF ME AND TAKE OVER THE LEAD. HANG ON. THAT WAS YOUR IDEA. YOU HAD THIS PLANNED ALL ALONG, DIDN'T YOU, ALISON ASHLEY? I TRUSTED YOU! NO, YOU DIDN'T. YES, I DID! LOOK! CAN WE JUST REHEARSE? OR SOMETHING? PLEASE? FINE BY ME. YELLS: POSITIONS! GET UP HERE, BARRY! THIS TIME, NOTHING WAS GONNA STAND BETWEEN ME AND MY DESTINY. BECAUSE IT WAS MY DESTINY, NOT HERS. IT'S TIME FOR SOME REAL ACTING. (HILARY DUFF'S 'COME CLEAN') # LET'S GO BACK. # BACK TO THE BEGINNING. # BACK TO WHEN THE EARTH, THE SUN, THE STARS ALL ALIGNED. # COS PERFECT # DIDN'T FEEL SO PERFECT. # TRYING TO FIT A SQUARE INTO A CIRCLE WAS NO LIE. # I DEFY. GIVE IT UP, YUK. YOU SUCK. (BREATHES HEAVILY) YOU JUST CAN'T ACT. (SNIFFS) - (THWACK!) - (CROWD GASPS) (CROWD MUTTERS) BARRY. WHAT WAS THAT FOR? WHY? WHY? WHY? (THUNDER CRASHES) # LET THE RAIN FALL DOWN. # AND WAKE MY DREAMS. # LET IT WASH AWAY # MY SANITY. # LET THE RAIN FALL DOWN. # I'M COMING CLEAN. # I'M COMING CLEAN. # SOMEONE HAD FINALLY SAID IT OUT LOUD. I WAS NEVER GOING TO WALK ON STAGE AND ASTOUND EVERYONE WITH MY TALENT. MY DREAMS WERE IN TATTERS. (PHONE RINGS) HELLO? WHAT'RE YOU DOING ANSWERING THE PHONE? HEY, MOVIE STAR! HOW ARE YA? LENNIE, JUST PUT MUM ON. ERK, LOVE, WHAT IS IT? MUM, I FOUND A LUMP ON MY SKULL, AND I THINK IT'S A TUMOUR, SO YOU HAVE TO COME GET ME RIGHT NOW FOR BIOPSY AND CAT SCAN. ERK, LOVE, CALM DOWN. YOU GOT THAT LUMP WHEN VALJOY WAS A BABY. WE WERE HOPING YOU WOULDN'T NOTICE. OOH, SHE WANTS TO SAY HELLO! NO, WAIT! TWO DAYS, THIEF. NO ONE STEALS FROM ME, YOU HEAR? TWO DAYS, AND YOU LIFE'S... (BANG!) HI, IT'S ME. NO, NOTHING'S WRONG. I WAS JUST... CALLING TO SEE IF YOU'RE GOING TO COME TO THE PLAY. YEAH, WELL, I AM NOW. I'M ACTUALLY PLAYING THE LEADING ROLE. BUT IT'S NOT A SILLY LITTLE PLAY. IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE FUNNY. I AM NOT! CAN'T YOU EVEN PRETEND, JUST FOR ONCE, TO BE INTERESTED IN SOMETHING I AM DOING? (SOBS QUIETLY) - WHOA! - (CRASH!) I WAS THIRSTY. I WASN'T LISTENING OR ANYTHING. LOOK AT YOU. SPYING ON PEOPLE? SNEAKING AROUND? NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) (CRIES) SEE? SHE CAN'T SPEAK. ALL RIGHT, ERICA. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? YOU'VE LOST YOUR VOICE? OH. AND THEY SAY MIRACLES CAN'T HAPPEN. COME ON, DEAR. GET UP. (MOANS) (EXHALES) WELL, OBVIOUSLY I CAN'T LEAVE HER HERE ON HER OWN. I'LL SIT WITH HER. OH. THANK YOU, ALISON. MAKE SURE SHE GETS PLENTY OF FLUIDS. WELL, THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO LOCK TONSILS WITH BARRY HOLLIS. (GIGGLES) THANKS. PLEASE. I KNOW YOU'RE FAKING IT. I JUST WANTED TO GET OUT OF THE STUPID BUSH WALK. THIS NEXT ACTIVITY'S ALL ABOUT FAITH, WHICH MEANS YOU'VE JUST GOTTA GO FOR IT. (SCREAMING, CHATTER) (SHARP WHISTLE) EVERYBODY STOP PUSHING! GET UP, JEFFREY. GET OFF, BARRY. NOW, FOLLOW ME. LEFT, RIGHT. LEFT, RIGHT. # HAVE YOU EVER FELT HURT SO BAD YOU JUST WANNA CRY? # DON'T EVEN ASK ME WHY. # NOT TODAY. # HAVE YOU EVER BEEN OH-SO-RIGHT AND FOUND YOU WERE WRONG? # HAD ME FOOLED ALL ALONG. # # I'M SORRY I LET YOU DOWN. # MRS ASHLEY. NIGELLA BELMONT, ALISON'S TEACHER. YES, THANK YOU, I'M FINE, MRS ASHLEY. ACTUALLY, NO, I'M NOT. I'M INCENSED. WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY, MRS ASHLEY. IT'S BECAUSE I FIND YOUR BEHAVIOUR DEPLORABLE. THESE KIDS HAVE PUT A LOT OF EFFORT INTO THIS PLAY AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO BOTHER TO COME OUT? WELL, I MUST SAY, I'M DISGUSTED. MISS BELMONT: ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TAKE YOU TO YOUR CABIN, WHERE YOU CAN PRACTICE REMAINING UPRIGHT. WHAT HAPPENED? KENNARD FELL DOWN. (CELL PHONE RINGS) HELLO, NIGELLA BELMONT. HOW CAN I H`? OH! MRS ASHLEY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU TWO ARE PLAYING AT, IMPERSONATING ME. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU'VE CAUSED? BUT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW...! QUIET! SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT. IT WAS ALL MY IDEA. YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT? YOU TWO ARE AS THICK AS THIEVES. - BOTH: WE ARE NOT. - (VOICES OVERLAP) ENOUGH! ALL RIGHT, ERICA. I'M PREPARED TO TAKE YOU AT YOUR WORD. YOU'RE BANNED FROM PARTICIPATING IN THE PLAY. AND YOU. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN. I'LL BE WATCHING BOTH OF YOU. ALISON... LOOK, I JUST WANTED TO... HELP. SO, DO YOU RECKON BELMONT AND KENNARD ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER? BELMONT DOESN'T SLEEP. SHE JUST HANGS UPSIDE DOWN FROM THE RAFTERS. DO YOU GUYS SMELL THAT? WHAT? WHAT'S THAT SMOKE? IT'S FIRE. IT'S A FIRE! (SCREAMING) # I SEE YOU, BABY. # SHAKING THAT ASS. # SHAKING THAT ASS. # SHAKING THAT ASS. # I SEE YOU, BABY. # SHAKING THAT ASS. # SHAKING THAT ASS. # SHAKING THAT ASS. # WHOO! # CLOSE YOUR EYES # AND GET SEXY WITH IT. # LEGEND, BARRY. YOU PEOPLE AREN'T MUCH FOR UNSCHEDULED ACTIVITIES IN THIS CAMP, ARE YA? SLEEP TIGHT. (SIGHS) THANK YOU. THAT NIGHT I COULDN'T SLEEP. NOT BECAUSE I'D BEEN BANNED FROM THE PLAY, BUT I COULDN'T FACE MUM'S DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN SHE FOUND OUT. IT WASN'T EVEN BECAUSE... DEEP DOWN, I KIND OF LIKED KISSING BARRY HOLLIS. IT WAS HER. THIS ALL STARTED WITH ME HATING ALISON ASHLEY. AND NOW, FOR SOME REASON, ALISON ASHLEY HATED ME. ME! HOW COULD ANYONE HATE ME? (MELANCHOLY MUSIC) MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, THAT'S WHY I DECIDED I HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE. GAH! OOH! (THE WAIF'S 'LIGHTHOUSE') # LIGHTHOUSE # TALL AND GRAND. # STANDING ON THAT COLD HEADLAND. # SHINE YOUR LIGHT ACROSS THE SEA # FOR A WAYWARD SAILOR GIRL LIKE ME. # LIGHTHOUSE # MAN. # GUIDE THIS SAILOR BACK TO LAND. WAIT! HEY! (TRUCK HONKS) # SOMETIMES I NEED A LIGHTHOUSE FOR MY OWN. # IT GETS SO DARK I CAN'T SEE WHICH WAY I'M GOING. # OH, LIGHTHOUSE MAN, # I'M ALL AT SEA. # SHINE A LITTLE LIGHTHOUSE LIGHT ON ME. # LIGHTHOUSE MAN, I'M ALL AT SEA. SHINE A LITTLE LIGHTHOUSE LIGHT ON ME. # (SIRENS WAIL) (MONITOR BEEPS STEADILY) (PUMPING) SHE'S OBVIOUSLY DYING. WHAT DO WE DO? (HISSING) WE'VE GOT TO CALL IN EVERY PERSON WHO EVER DID HER WRONG, OR WHO DOUBTED HER, AND LET THEM OPENLY WEEP AT THEIR FOLLY. FAMILY FIRST, THEN TEACHERS, THEN SO-CALLED FRIENDS. GO TO IT, NURSE. BREATHY: YES, DOCTOR. (JAUNTY MUSIC) ALISON HAD SOLD ME OUT. WHY? I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE JUST TO MAKE ME SUFFER. ALL I KNEW WAS... I WAS TRAPPED. YOU CAN'T HAVE A THEATRE WITHOUT SEATING, SO LET'S SORT OUT SOME SEATING, YOU GUYS. WE NEED SOME HELP HERE! WELL, YUK, WHERE ARE THEY? THEY? THE PROPS! OUR PUMPKIN AND... ...AND THE SAUSAGES! FOR THE OPERATION? WHAT ARE WE GONNA USE FOR GUTS? I... ALL RIGHT! ERICA, GO AND GET THE PROPS, AND THEN GO STRAIGHT TO YOUR CABIN. UNDERSTOOD? YES, MISS. THE REST OF YOU, STOP PANICKING. REMEMBER OUR THEME INCLUDES HARMONY. SO IF I HEAR ONE MORE RAISED VOICE, I WILL PERSONALLY (RAISES VOICE) THROTTLE THE LOT OF YOU! (GASPS) (CRASH!) YOU KNOW, IT'S OK ABOUT THE PHONE CALL, YUK. YOU KNEW I HAVE STAGE FRIGHT. YOU KNEW. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU KNEW THE MOMENT YOU MET ME. YOU KNEW YOU'D GET THE LEAD ROLE. YES! I'M PSYCHIC. JUST GET THE PROPS, PLEASE. YOU KNOW I DON'T HAVE THEM. WHY, ALISON ASHLEY? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE BETTER THAN ME AT EVERYTHING? WHY'D YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BETTER LIFE? WHY'D YOU HAVE TO BE SLIGHTLY BETTER LOOKING? WHY? LISTEN, ERICA. I AM SICK OF THIS COMPETITION YOU THINK WE HAVE GOING. THINK I'VE GOT IT ALL OVER YOU? FINE, THINK THAT. BUT AT LEAST YOUR FAMILY'S TURNING UP TO SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE. WHERE'S MINE? SO JUST DO WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO. (LIVELY MUSIC) MUZZA! MUZZA! WHERE'VE YOU BEEN? I WAS A FRAUD. I JUST WANTED TO DISAPPEAR. WHO WOULD MISS ME, ANYWAY? HOW YOU GOING, MOVIE STAR? SURE HAS BEEN A QUIET WEEK WITHOUT YA. OH, LENNIE. I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU. QUICK, LET'S GO. WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE WAY THESE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TREATING ME. TAKE ME HOME, NOW. WHERE'S MUM? SHE RACED IN TO GRAB FRONT ROW SEATS. SHE JUST SENT ME OUT TO GIVE YOU THIS. NEVER MIND, SHE'LL FIND HER OWN WAY HOME. HANG ON. HANG ON. NOW JUST CALM DOWN. NOW JUST CALM DOWN. NOW, TONIGHT'S YOUR BIG NIGHT. EVERY ACTOR GETS STAGE FRIGHT, SO I'VE HEARD. IT'S JUST NERVES. LENNIE, IT'S NOT NERVES! I'VE GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PLAY. I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO STAY AND WATCH. MUM THINKS I'M THE STAR. OK, THEN. WE'LL` WE'LL GO AND THE OTHERS CAN FIND THEIR OWN WAY HOME. THANKS, LENNIE. THAT'S ALL RIGHT. THERE'S NO POINT IN HANGING AROUND, SEEING HOW YOU MUCKED THINGS UP SO MUCH. WELL, IT'S NOT ALL MY FAULT. OH, DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. LET'S GO. HERE. WHAT'S THIS? OH, JUST SOMETHING YOUR MOTHER MADE YOU FOR THE PLAY. YOU ALL RIGHT? WELL, LET'S GO. I MEAN IT'S... IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE LETTING ANYBODY DOWN, RIGHT? RIGHT. RIGHT. IT'S A SHAME, THOUGH. WOULD'VE LOVED TO HAVE SEEN WHAT YOU WOULD'VE COME UP WITH. REALLY? OH YEAH. YOU GOT A REAL GIFT FOR THAT SORT OF STUFF. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? ERICA, I'VE BEEN A TRUCK DRIVER ALL MY LIFE. I'VE TRAVELLED ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. AND I'VE SOME OF THE BEST BULL ARTISTS YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE. TILL I MET YOU. YOU'RE THE BEST. (POP MUSIC) TOM. OH YES! THANKS, YUK. YOU'RE THE BEST. NO WORRIES. WOW! THEY'RE DIVINE. MY MUM MADE THEM. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. THANKS. AT LEAST I HADN'T LET THEM DOWN. AND EVERYONE WAS SO HAPPY. GOOD LUCK, EVERYONE. WELL, ALMOST EVERYONE. NOT ALISON. AND NOT ME. 9C HAS PUT A GREAT DEAL OF EFFORT INTO THIS PLAY, AND YOUR SUPPORT IS GREATLY` OH NO. THANK YOU. (TENSE MUSIC) (LIGHTING SOUNDS) IT WAS RAINING THE FIRST DAY I WALKED INTO MERCY GENERAL HOSPITAL. IT WAS IF THE SKIES OPENED UP TO WASH AWAY THE CITY'S DIRTY SINS. NO CHANCE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I JUST THOUGHT` BACK TO YOUR CABIN! NOW! GET YOUR OWN. (GASPS) OOH! (THUD!) IF EVER THERE WAS A TIME I LONGED FOR A BURST APPENDIX AND AN AMBULANCE DASH TO HOSPITAL, THIS WAS IT. MAYBE I COULD WILL IT TO HAPPEN. I CONCENTRATED HARD. BUT IT'S HARD TO CONCENTRATE WHEN YOU'RE LYING ON TOP OF A... A BOOK. READS: 'MURDER AT THE MERCY. 'A PLAY BY ERICA YURKEN.' LET ME GO FIRST. AFTER ALL, I WAS THE ONE WHO SPURNED HIS ADVANCES AT THE HOSPITAL BALL. CAUSED HIM TO SET THAT FIRE, WHICH HE NEARLY DIED. MY GOD, WOMAN! YOU'RE A NURSE! CONTROL YOURSELF. SOMETHING SO PERFECT COULD ONLY BE THE WORK OF ALISON ASHLEY. 'BY ERICA YURKEN.' IT'S FUNNY HOW A LITTLE WORD LIKE 'BY' COULD MEAN SO MUCH. A LITTLE WORD. BIG THING. AND I'D MISSED IT. BUT ALISON HADN'T. IT MADE ME WONDER WHAT ELSE I'D MISS. (SLOW, CALMING MUSIC) (CALMING MUSIC CONTINUES) SEE, WHEN I FIRST GOT HERE, I THOUGHT I COULD DO IT ON MY OWN. (SOBS) I FELT ALONE. (DOOR OPENS) I WAS MILES AWAY FROM HOME. BUT YOU TAUGHT ME THAT HOME IS A PLACE YOU KEEP INSIDE OF YOU FOR THE ONES THAT YOU LOVE. AND I KNOW THAT HOME IS WITH YOU. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) ENCORE! ENCORE! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUES) AUTHOR! AUTHOR! AUTHOR! TAKE YOUR BOW. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) CHANTING: AUTHOR! AUTHOR! AUTHOR! AH! (LAUGHS) (MOMENTOUS MUSIC) IT'S MY DAUGHTER. (LAUGHS) MUM DIDN'T LOOK ONE BIT DISAPPOINTED. SHE WAS BURSTING WITH PRIDE, AND I WAS SO GLAD SHE'D COME. (BOTH CHUCKLE) (MOMENTOUS MUSIC CONTINUES) JEDDA. OOH! OOH, ERK. OOH, YOU SLY THING. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD WRITE. COULD'VE KNOCKED ME OVER WITH A FEATHER WHEN LENNIE TOLD ME. THANKS FOR COMING, MUM. YOU LOOK GREAT. RIGHT,... (SHRIEKS) ...CREEP. WHERE'S MY NEGLIGEE? MISS BELMONT CONFISCATED IT. SHE SAID IT WAS INDECENT. RIGHT. WHICH ONE'S BELMONT? UM... ARE YOU PROUD OF YOUR SISTER? PLEASE. I'M THE REAL TALENT IN THIS FAMILY! YOU KNOW, I PLAYED A HORSE FOR SEVEN YEARS. CONGRATULATIONS. THANK YOU, BARRY. YOU WERE VERY GOOD TONIGHT. YEAH, I KNOW. (LAUGHS) LOOK, ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT. NEXT TIME, I'M STICKING THE TONGUE IN. LENNIE? YES, DARL? UM, COULD I PLEASE BORROW YOUR PHONE? YEAH, SURE. THANKS. EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? YEAH, JUST A FRIEND OF MINE NEEDS TO MAKE A CALL. BOTH: A FRIEND? (SOMBRE MUSIC) MAYBE SHE HAD A PROBLEM AT THE RESTAURANT. (SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES) (SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT) SHE DIDN'T TURN UP FOR THE SAME REASON SHE NEVER DOES. BECAUSE I'M LIKE PRIORITY NUMBER 703. (SCOFFS) I BET SHE WON'T EVEN MEET ME AT THE BUS. LUCKY. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL,... COMING WITH US IN LENNIE'S TRUCK, AREN'T YOU? YEAH. YEAH, I'D LIKE THAT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT MY MUM'S LIKE. I MEAN, I'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO... RIGHT. (LAUGHS) OK. (DIALLING) YEAH, LISTEN. IT'S ME. (CLEARS THROAT) YOU DON'T HAVE TO PICK ME UP TOMORROW. I'M STAYING AT ERICA'S. SHE'S A FRIEND. SHE'S FROM BARRINGA EAST. THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, THEN, ISN'T IT? (EXHALES SHARPLY) WELL, GUESS WHAT? I'M NOT YOU. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE CAMERA PHONES, RIGHT? YEAH, IT'S LENNIE'S. YOU NEED THEM IN THE SPY GAME. RIGHT. (BOTH LAUGH) ERK, WE'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU. I CAN'T WAIT TILL TOMORROW TO TELL YOU. LENNIE AND I... WE'VE, UM,... WE DECIDED THAT WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED, COS WE LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH. THAT'S GREAT! CONGRATULATIONS! (LAUGHS) CONGRATULATIONS! OH, THANK YOU. YOU KNOW, IF LENNIE DOES MARRY YOUR MUM, YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR NAME. OH MY GOD! YES! YES! NO MORE ERICA YURKEN! I COULD BE ERICA... ...GRUB. (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) I HATE YOU, ALISON ASHLEY. (LAUGHTER) # I REMEMBER FROM THE DAY IT ALL STARTED. # NOW WE'RE SHINING BRIGHT. YOU CHANGED MY LIFE. # THE THINGS I MISSED WERE THINGS THAT YOU NOTICED. # NOW THAT WE'RE TOGETHER, GIRL, NOW IT'S GONNA BE OUR DAY. # YOU AND ME FOREVER, GIRL, NOW WE'RE REALLY ON OUR WAY. # TAKE MY HAND. # IT'S OUR FUTURE NOW. # DON'T GO BACK. # IT'S ALL SO POSSIBLE. # TRUST IN ME. # NOW WE'VE FOUND EACH OTHER, GIRL YOU'RE LIKE NO OTHER. YE-YEAH! # TAKE MY HAND. # IT'S SO EASY NOW. # DON'T GO BACK. # WE'RE REALLY TAKING OFF. # TRUST IN ME. # IT'S SO EASY, COS... # ...NOW WE'VE FOUND EACH OTHER. GIRL YOU'RE LIKE NO OTHER. YE-YEAH! # I COULDN'T SEE YOU WITH MY EYES WIDE OPEN. # THOSE DAYS ARE GONE. YOU TOOK MY HAND. # LOVE YOU, KEEPING WORDS SOFTLY SPOKEN. # FUNNY HOW A LIFE CAN CHANGE. FUNNY HOW BEST FRIENDS ARE MADE. # YOU AND ME FOREVER, GIRL. NOW WE'RE REALLY ON OUR WAY. # TAKE MY HAND. # IT'S OUR FUTURE NOW. # DON'T HOLD BACK. # IT'S ALL SO POSSIBLE. # TRUST IN ME. # NOW WE'VE FOUND EACH OTHER. GIRL, YOU'RE LIKE NO OTHER. YE-YEAH! # TAKE MY HAND. # IT'S SO EASY NOW. # DON'T HOLD BACK. # WE'RE REALLY TAKING OFF. # TRUST IN ME. # IT'S SO EASY, COS... # ...NOW WE'VE FOUND EACH OTHER. GIRL YOU'RE LIKE NO OTHER. YE-YEAH! # OH, WE'RE TAKING OFF! # WE'RE ON OUR WAY. # AH-HA-AH! # AH! # I # YOU AND ME. # YEAH! # TAKE MY HAND. # IT'S OUR FUTURE NOW. # DON'T GO BACK. # IT'S POSSIBLE. # TRUST IN ME. # IT'S SO EASY, COS... # ...NOW WE'VE FOUND EACH OTHER. GIRL YOU'RE LIKE NO OTHER. YE-YEAH! # TAKE MY HAND. # IT'S SO EASY NOW. # DON'T HOLD BACK. # WE'RE TAKING OFF. # TRUST IN ME. # OH, WON'T YOU TAKE MY HAND? # OH, I WANT TO TAKE YOUR HAND! # TAKE MY HAND. # GIRL, WE'RE REALLY TAKING OFF. # DON'T HOLD BACK. # YOU KNOW THAT WE JUST CAN'T LOSE. # TRUST IN ME. # I'M SO GLAD THAT I FOUND YOU. GLAD THAT I FOUND YOU. GLAD! GLAD! GLADLY, YEAH! # TAKE MY HAND. # OH, WHOA-OH. # DON'T HOLD BACK. # OH, WHOA-OH. # TRUST IN ME. # IT'S SO EASY, COS... # ...NOW WE'VE FOUND EACH OTHER. GIRL YOU'RE LIKE NO OTHER. YE-YEAH! MY NAME IS BELMONT. NIGELLA BELMONT. BELMONT. BELMONT. NIGELLA BELMONT. GIRL WITH EYEBROW. YOUR NAME? CAPTIONS BY JEAN TENG. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE POSSIBLE WITH FUNDING FROM NZ ON AIR. COPYRIGHT ABLE 2017 MISS BELMONT: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU'VE CAUSED? YOU TWO ARE AS THICK AS THIEVES. THIS MUST BE OUR NEW GIRL, ALISON ASHLEY. ECHOING: GO BACK!