THUNDER CRASHES BELL RINGS D-ohh! (SCREAMS) HORN BEEPS I don't get it. They should be here by now. Ah, what are you going to do? Able 2014 Hmm. Good lines, nice balance. Let's see how she handles. Ho-ho, oh, yeah. Tame it, baby. Yo, ring her up, dude. (GASPS) You cannot smoke in here. Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir. (COUGHS) Oh, God. You smokers disgust me. Hey, 'Pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis? (COCKS GUN) Hands up, scuzzbag. No, not you-- the smoking scuzzbag. Ho-ho, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine. Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike. First you torched that orphanage then you blew up that bus full of nuns... Hey, that was self-defence. Well, you'll be seeing lotsa nuns where you're going, pal-- hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death. Ho-ho, you'll never make it stick, dude. Will too, 'cause this place is full of witnesses-- Apu, that scuzzbag Moe... I'm not going to forget this, dudes. I'm going to totally kill both of you. And, uh, don't forget Bart Simpson. He's a witness, too. Right, Barty? Oh, you are SO dead, little dude. Thanks a lot, Chief. (LAUGHS) You kids crack me up. Hi, I'm Ed McMahon. Tonight on Fox: from the producers of When Skirts Fall Off and Secrets of National Security Revealed it's World's Deadliest Executions. Making his first appearance on our show heeere's Snake! CROWD BOOS Thank you, chickie pies. The chair? Oh... how come they only do crucifixions during sweeps? So long, Snake. You'll never harm another person with secondhand smoke. ALL COUGH Phheewww! Hi-yo! CROWD CHEERS All right. Let's get this carcass over to the hospital and carve it up for organs. Dibs on the liver! PHONE RINGS Whoo-hoo! Marge, they found a donor. I'm saved. Boy, you're getting this transplant just in time, Homer. This is genuine human hair. This is legal, right? Yeah, sure. Whatever. These drugs will make the operation seem like a beautiful dream. Aah... Hi, everybody! Who wants to see their sexy new daddy? ALL GASP BART: Whoa! Wow! If your fly weren't open you'd look just like Roger Moore. (MOANS, GROANS) SNAKE'S VOICE: Later, chickie pie. Ooh! Ooh-la-la, Simpson. Huh! What can I do for you and your new do? You sent me to the chair. (GASPS) Snake? But you're dead. I know you are, but what am I? No! No! No...! APU'S SCREAM ECHOES And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. NORMAL VOICE: Oh, God. I can't believe it. That's horrible. Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart? (SLURPS) I'm afraid we have no leads but I can safely say Apu did not suffer. Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief. Aw, Jeez, Lou. How long were you going to let me keep drinking this thing? (SLURPS) Who would do such a thing? Ah, morning, Homer. You're looking unusually focused this morning. SNAKE'S VOICE: Shut your squeal hole, booze jockey. I'm going to, like, totally waste you. Well, somebody's a grumpy gus. What's...! CORKSCREW SQUEAKS (CACKLES) Yoink. Ah, for crying out loud! (GASPS) Another of Springfield's belovedest citizens was murdered today. Filthy old bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball. Oh, my God. Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered! It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave. I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent. Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me, too. I'm next! Don't worry. I'll protect you... SNAKE'S VOICE: ...little dude... NORMAL VOICE: There. Now no murderers can get in. SNAKE'S VOICE: Or out. Dad? You are so dead. No! Come here, you little...! TOY LAUGHS TOY: Stop it! You're killing me! (SCREAMS) My school picture! Daddy would like a word with you, Barty! (GRUNTS) Help! Dad's trying to kill me! It's hammer time, snitchy! That's Snake's voice. Of course! The transplant! Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling... Oh, please, Lisa. Everyone's already figured that out. You've got to fight the hair, Dad. NORMAL VOICE: But I look so youthful and hunky. SNAKE'S VOICE: The kid's got to die! But I love my son! More than a lush head of hair? Don't make me choose! (SNAKE LAUGHS WICKEDLY) No! POPPING NOISES I love you, son. I love you, too, Dad. (SCREAMS) I'll show you, hair! That's my face, you idiot! Idiot?! Why you little... (CHOKES) I'll show you... Homer Simpson you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... Pasa... Uh, just Moe. Just Moe. It wasn't me. It was the hair. Freeze, hair ball! Now, that's what I call a bad-hair day. ALL LAUGH May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh, wait. I just got it. ALL LAUGH 1 Hey! Hey! Tonight, I'm going to suck! Your blood! OK, get ready for the violentest disembowelingest, vomit inducingest Itchy and Scratchy Hallowe'en special ever! Hey! What the...?! Sorry, but if I let you watch one of these gruesome Hallowe'en cartoons I'd be a pretty lousy mother. BOTH GROAN Why don't you kids come trick-or-treating with Maggie and me? Nah. It's too early. I need to work under cover of darkness. Hmm... Oh, Homer, you're not going as a hobo again? Going where? Well, we're leaving. And remember, no Itchy and Scratchy. I better take these batteries just to be sure. DOOR CLOSES # Mama took those batteries. # She took 'em away. # Mama took those batteries # size double "A". # There's got to be some batteries in here somewhere. Hmm... Oh, Bart, that's plutonium. It's highly unstable. Don't you ever get tired of being wrong? DOORBELL RINGS ON TV Trick or treat! What's wrong with the TV? Colour's screwed up. Whoa! Cool! Bart, quit it! Hey... Give me... No. Hey, Lis, we're characters in a cartoon. How humiliating. How humiliating. (GASPS) Look! BOTH LAUGH BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY Why are you laughing? Hey, they're laughing at your pain. That's mean. Let's teach them a lesson. A cartoon axe! I love it. BOTH SCREAM BOTH SCREAM Help, police! Help, police! TYRES SCREECH BOTH SIGH "To protect and sever"?! BOTH SCREAM Ooh! How are Bart and Lisa going to get out of this one? Sorry. It happens. Hey, hey, wiggedy-wiggedy. Poochie's in the house. We're done for, Bart. Not if I know cartoons. BOTH: Whoa! That was close. That was close. Uh, Bart... Not now, Lis. I'm trying to relax. BOTH SCREAM Boring... I'm telling you this cilantro really gives it a zing. Reg, there's no cilantro in it. What? Oh! Oh! God! Crying out loud! This soup is out of control! Hey! Ow! My... my eyes! My beautiful eyes! Oh, that's it. I'm going home. Dom DeLuise can interview himself. Oh, Itchy's house. This is where we came in. Look! Dad! You got to get us out of here! Use the remote! Huh? Oh, OK. Let's see... Hurry, Homer! Ooh, that is going to hurt tomorrow. Dad! Push "Exit"! (SCREAMS) Lisa, look out! A skeleton! BOTH SIGH BANGING ON GLASS ALL SCREAM Hee-hee-hee-hee! Look how cute they are! Look at him go! You're beautiful! Oh, somebody's in love. That means you'll have to be neutered. No...! 1 Here comes the flying saucer. (CRIES) What's wrong with stinky? She's teething. Look, her very first baby tooth. HOMER: Ah... ugh! BART: Oh, disgusting. Ew. I just lost my appetite. Me, too. Wait, mine came back. I know how to cheer you up. This little piggy went to Kwik-E-Mart this little piggy went nuts this little piggy went surfing and this little piggy went... Ooh! Look, Marge, Maggie lost her baby legs. Oh, my God. (SCREAMS) Homer, do something. The ceiling's not a safe place for a young baby. All right, I got it. Come on... get off the... (GROANS) Bad baby. She's entering the terrible twos, all right. It's probably nothing but we just wanted to be sure. Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor? Fire, and lots of it. That's your cure for everything. Poor, Maggie. If only you could tell us what's happening to you. (SUCKS) Commander Kang receiving transmission from Infant Pod 13. Holy phlerking schnit! What's the message? Larval stage completed... Standing by for orders... Experiencing terrible rash. Over. Ensign Kodos, set coordinates for the obscure T-shirt producing planet known as Earth. It's time I paid a visit to... my daughter! DOORBELL RINGS Hello... Oh, great. Mormons. Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians. And we've come to see... my daughter! Oh, Lord. I was hoping this day would never come. Huh? What are you talking about? You mean you never told him? I guess I've been in denial. Homer, Kang is Maggie's father. (GASPS) You intergalactic hussy! How could you? (SOBS) Was he better than me? It all happened about two years ago. There I was, having a great time in the backyard when, without warning, I was abducted by aliens. KANG: Warning! Warning! Prepare to be abducted. Congratulations. You have been selected for our cross-breeding programme. To put you at ease, we have recreated the most common spawning locations of your species. You may choose either the back seat of a Camaro an aeroplane bathroom a friend's wedding or the alley behind a porno theatre. I absolutely refuse to go along with this. But since I have no choice, I'll take the alley. Initiate fertilisation procedure. (YAWNS) Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass? MARGE: I tried to resist but they applied powerful mind confusion techniques. Look behind you. Insemination complete. Really? That seemed awfully quick. What are you implying? What are you implying? Nothing. Nothing. Whoa, wow, look at the time. I'd love to stay but I have an early meeting tomorrow. You're a super girl, though. I'll call you sometime. Nine months later, I gave birth to Maggie. And now she must return home to Rigel Seven where she will be guaranteed a lucrative civil service job for life. Well, we can't compete with that, but... But nothing. Get your slimeless hands off her. People, people, space monsters. This is going nowhere. There's only one man who can settle an argument this bizarre. CROWD CHANTS: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry... OK, we're back. Homer, how'd it feel to learn your baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus? It made me angry, Jerry. Angry and tired. Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier because we have the extramarital extraterrestrial backstage in a soundproof booth where he can't hear us. I hear all. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang. APPLAUSE Mmm. You one-eyed two-timing BLEEP. I'm gonna BLEEP. Oh, yeah? Well, BLEEP BLEEP hyperbolic paraboloid BLEEP. Yo mama! AUDIENCE HOLLERS Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is. Homer. Homer. No, the green dude. If you're that baby's daddy, where you been at? AUDIENCE WHISTLES, APPLAUDS You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility. (SCREAMS) Now, hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray gun. And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. Let's hope they put their differences aside and do what's best for Maggie. Oh! What the BLEEP?! Get the BLEEP baby off! BLEEP Son of a BLEEP! Bouncers! I am so BLEEP embarrassed. I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict. And now he's dead. Anyhoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now. Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington. Oh, you couldn't destroy every politician. Just watch us. BOTH LAUGH BART: Don't forget Ken Starr. Suckers. Come on, Maggie, let's go home. KANG'S VOICE: Very well, I'll drive. (LAUGHS EVILLY) I need blood. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014