DRUM ROLL ANNOUNCER: 'Live from fabulous Centauri City 'it's the Simpsons' 10th Halloween Special. 'Now, please welcome your hosts-- 'if you haven't been probed by these two 'you haven't been probed-- 'Kang and Kodos!' AUDIENCE CHEERS (SMACKS LIPS LOUDLY) Thank you. Thank you. Yes, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to our 10th anniversary show. Oh, we've got a great... Kang, what are you doing? Well, you said we were going to warm up the audience. CANNED LAUGHTER Ladies and gentlemen I have to apologise for my partner. He had to borrow a human brain. CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What do aliens have to do with Halloween? SILENCE. Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 I still can't believe we escaped from those horrible vampires. But it was worth it to get back our Super Sugar Crisp cereal. SINGS: # Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp. # I'm having a hard time seeing. Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in? SINGS: # Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in. # I better pull over and play it safe. LOUD THUD (GASPS) Please be a dog. (GASPS) Oh no! Ned Flanders. SQUISH He's dead. SQUISHING He's definitely dead. SQUISHING Oh my God. We killed Ned Flanders. You mean, you killed Ned Flanders. Oh, it was an accident. An accident! We've got to go to the police. They'll never believe a Simpson killed a Flanders by accident. Even I have my doubts. Don't worry, I got a plan. OK, Ned, the first thing we have to do (WHISPERS) is to make sure that no one knows that you're dead. If anyone asks you, just say that you're not dead. Hey, Maude! Look who's helping me clean the chimney. Neddy? Where have you been? Hi, Maude... diddily. I've been having fun with my pal Homer. Diddily. Oh, I'm so relieved. Whenever you go on one of your late-night fog walks I get so worried. Relax. I'm fine. But when I do die, I don't want any autopsies. Well, come on down, you goofy roofy. Wow, it sure is slippery up here. Wow, it sure is slippery up here. PING! My pies are done. THUD Aw, she missed it. Hey, Maude, I'm home! Uh-oh, I think I'm having a heart attack! THUD MAUDE SCREAMS And that's the end of that chapter. WHISPERS: Try not to look too sad. It'll seem suspicious. And now Ned's best friend will say a few words. Homer. When I think about Ned I can't help but remember the look on his face when Marge drove over... Oh, wait. What I'd like to say is we're still looking for the real killers. Anyway, in conclusion a man cannot be forced to testify against his wife. a man cannot be forced to testify against his wife. MARGE: Stop winking. > We'll miss you, buddy. Hey, we just got away with murder. And it was so easy. Oh, I've never liked the little wiener Milhouse. MARGE: No more murders. But you got to kill... No! ALL GASP MARGE: Someone saw us. ALL: But who? Homer, stop that. THUNDER RUMBLES PHONE RINGS Who could be calling at this hour? (STAMMERS) Y'ello? CREEPY VOICE: I know you're alone. Oh... who is this? Is this Maude Flanders? No, it's... Homer. NORMAL VOICE: Oh, hey, Homer, it's Moe. I must've dialled the wrong number. THUNDER CRASHES ALL SCREAM (STARTS ENGINE) ALL SCREAM Dear God, it's Homer. If you really love me, you'll save my life now. ENGINE SPUTTERS He's getting closer! OK, Marge, you hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco. And I'll go skinny-dipping in that lake where the sexy teens were killed a hundred years ago tonight. Now, Flanders, I want you to... ALL SCREAM It's impossible. I killed you. (CHUCKLES) You can't kill the undead, silly. SQUISH He's undead, all right. Are you a zombie? Oh, I wish. You see, that night when you hit me with your car... I'm making record time on this fog walk. WOLF HOWLS Better pick up the pace. HOWLING CONTINUES WOLF GROWLS (SCREAMS) HOMER: # I forgot to put the fog lights in. # HOMER: # I forgot to put the fog lights in. # MARGE: I'd better pull over. TYRES SCREECH So you were going to kill us? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. ALL LAUGH (GROWLS) Hey, foamy, I want the news, not the weather. Marge, did you hear me zing Werewolf Flanders? (GROWLS) Diddily. (STAMMERS) (WHIMPERS) GOBBLING AND TEARING GOBBLING AND TEARING HOMER: Flanders! Stop that. HOMER: Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh, wolfie? (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) You.. no!... Aah! Ow! HOMER SCREAMS 1 Well, well, well, if it isn't the cutest police officer in Springfield. Hey, you know, we got feelings, too, Chief. Just dump your candy on the X-ray belt, Ralphie. There's a good boy. Safe. Safe. Razor blade. Syringe. Ooh, white chocolate. Check it out, Lisa. I'm Radioactive Man. I don't think the real Radioactive Man wears a plastic smock with a picture of himself on it. He would on Halloween. (GRUNTS) Get in there, you stupid pillowcase. Stop it. You'll jam the machine. RUMBLING Uh-oh. Radiation! Duck and cover! SCREAMING Cool! Bart! Oh my God! Lisa! She's been crushed and so have the hopes of our mathletics team. Hold the funeral, Poindexter. 'Poindexter?!' (GRUNTS) Whoa, Lise, those X-rays must have given you super strength. I wonder if I got any powers. Nope, looks normal. Wait a minute. I can stretch. Look at me! Ow! Hot-hot-hot! I must only use this power to annoy. KNOCK AT DOOR Now, who could that be at this hour? Yes? Yes? Up? Down? Side to side? What's your point? Ow! (LAUGHS) Gotcha. Bart, with these powers, we can become superheroes. OK, so do it, already. # Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl ` # he's a human rubber band, and she's the Hulk in pearls. # He's a limber lad. # She's a powerful lass. # He'll wring your neck, and she'll kick your ass. # They're Stretch Dude # and Clobber Girl, # Stretch Dude, Clobber Girl. # ANNOUNCER: 'Tonight's episode ` "Enter The Collector." But I'm sure that once girls get to know the real you you'll get plenty of dates. Next question. Yes, over here. (CLEARS THROAT) In episode BF12, you were battling Barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa yet in the very next scene, my dear you're clearly atop a winged Arabian. Please to explain it. Ah. Yeah. Well, whenever you notice something like that a wizard did it. I see. All right. Yes. But in episode AG4... But in episode AG4... Wizard. But in episode AG4... Wizard. Ah. For glayvin out loud. GLASS SMASHES Behold! I am The Collector and I'm here to add you to my collection. CLANK! (GRUNTS) Must remove... my breastplate! Maybe later. Care for a Rolo, sweet Xena? All right, Collector, stick this in your tweezers. I'm not Xena! I'm an actress, you lunatic! Oh, please. I'm not insane. I simply wish to take you back to my lair and make you my bride. Oh dear God! Clobber Girl? (GRUNTS) Help! It's Xena! She's been kidnapped. Come on. Remember you're vulnerable to Kryptonite. Geez, Marge, tell the neighborhood! Fear not, my syndicated sweetie. You'll be preserved in this Mylar pouch for ever remaining in... near-mint condition between Dr Who and, of course, Yasmine Bleeth. CLOBBER GIRL: I don't think so! (GASPS) I don't think so either. Your collecting days are over, Collector. Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once to keep William Shatner from making another album. Stretch Dude-- Help! Just a sec. (GRUNTS) PHASER BEEPS Whoa! Hey, phaser, phaser, phaser. Zing! PHASER CLICKS (GROANS) Goodnight, retch dude and slobber girl. Sweet screams. BOTH GRUNT AND GROAN Soon, those bratty buttinskies will be encased in lucite for all eternity. While we're waiting, here's some names you may call me on our wedding night. (CLEARS THROAT) 'Obi-Wan,' 'Iron Man,' 'Mr Mxyzptlk' and, of course, 'Big Papa Smurf.' What do you need me for? You could have your choice of any of the women in these bags. You would think so, but no. Really? Well, I mean, maybe we are meant for each other. Growing up, I was always tall for my age and the other kids made fun of me. I... I always hoped for another misunderstood soul to share my pain and... you could be that soul, Collector. Oh... Come here, you. Xena needs xex. (CHUCKLES) Got your lips! (GRUNTS) (YELLS) Oh! You tricked me with a ruse so hackneyed it would make Stan Lee blush. Shut up. (UTTERS WAR CRY) (YELLS) Oh! Ow! Ow, that hurts! Bart, just let me drop and save yourself. What do you think I've been trying to do? Aha! Not even Xena is a match for the limited edition double-edged light saber from Star Wars Episode I: the Phantom Menace. LIGHT SABRE HUMS (GASPS) You removed it from its original packaging. (GASPS) No! It's no longer a collectible. (SCREAMS) What a nerd. Lucite hardening... must end life in classic Lorne Greene pose from Battlestar Galactica. (GRUNTS) Best... death... ever. Wow. Thanks for saving us. No problem. Now, let's get you kids home. Wait a minute. Xena can't fly. I told you. I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless. I'm Lucy Lawless. Oh. # Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl. # 1 ROCK MUSIC PLAYS This is Dick Clark, rockin' down to the year 2000 and that was Whitesnake. We're not Whitesnake, dude. We're Poison. I thought we were Quiet Riot. It says here we're Ratt. Man alive, what a stinko thousand years. Blimp wrecks, teenagers... Then again, we had two TV shows with Andy Griffith. And 11 with Robert Urich. # Super freak. # Super freak. # I'm super freakin'. # Yow. # Oh, man, what'd I do now? Wonderful. Now, that song is dedicated to all you supergeeks who rocked around the clock to exterminate America's Y2K bugs. Slammin'! Hey, Homer, weren't you the plant's Y2K compliance officer? Absolutely. Must have been hard debugging all those computers, huh, Homer? Doing what now? You did fix them, right, Dad? Because even a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world. That can't be true, honey. If it were, I'd be terrified. Eight, seven, six... We want to thank Dixie brand mayonnaise. Whoo lawdy, what a mayonnaise. Three, two... ALARM BUZZES That's Homer Simpsons's computer. Oh God it's spreading! ALL: Happy new... Wha...? Oh no. It's happening. ALL SCREAM Uh-oh. ALL SCREAM Ha! Wha...? Who's going to clean up all those jets? CRASHING CONTINUES There goes the clothesline. Well, those ivory-tower eggheads have screwed us again. (CHUCKLES) Let's just have some milk and go to bed. Hey, this milk's broken! It's got a computer chip in it. Everything does. DOORS SLAM, MOTORS WHIRR D'ohh! (MUTTERS) (YOWLS) ALL GROAN NERVOUSLY (YELLS) Judgement Day is upon us. I warned you the Lord wouldn't stand for your minidresses and Beatle boots... I resisted these for 35 years. Why did I wear them today? ...But it's not too late to repent your sins and be embraced by the Almighty! Hey, everybody, they're looting the mall. Hurry! I got nine shoe buffers. ALL CHEER I'm caught on something. I don't want you looting. But I was going to loot you a present. But I was going to loot you a present. Oh, all right. Yay! SCREAMING AND YELLING Oh, thank you, Homey. A Lady Remington. WHIRRING (YELLS) Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now (!) Wonders, Lisa, or blunders? I think that was implied by what I said. Implied, Lisa, or implode? Mom, make him stop. (GROANS) Oh no, Krusty. (CONTINUES TO GROAN) My pacemaker-- it's stuck on hummingbird! Nectar, nectar! I need to drink my weight in nectar. LOUD THUD Krusty! Hey, a note. READS: You have been selected for Operation Exodus. They're evacuating the earth. Oh, we're saved! Thank you, sweet clown. In death, you saved us all. < (WEAKLY) KRUSTY: I'm not dead. I can still hear his voice on the wind. BART: There is is! HOMER: Just like the dead clown promised. BART: Wow. There's Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Paul McCartney Michael Jordan, Michelle Kwan... They must be starting a new civilization on Mars with our best and brightest. That's us! Name, please. Certainly. I am... the piano genius from the movie Shine. Uh-huh. And your name is? Uh... Shiny McShine? Actually, he's Homer Simpson. That's Bart. I'm Lisa. Lisa Simpson? Oh, you're the ship's proofreader. Welcome aboard. Now, before you enter you're going to have to make a very difficult choice. You're only allowed to take one parent with you. Mom. Love you lots. Goodbye, Lisa. Remember me as I am-- filled with murderous rage. Well, son, I guess this is the end. But we've both had long, full lives. Oh, right. Hey, look, another spaceship. And there's nobody guarding it. Let's go. I can't believe I destroyed the earth. Are you still talking about the earth? Right, got to let it go. All that counts is we're alive and rubbing elbows with the greats. Ooh. There's Ross Perot. Dr Laura. Spike Lee. Wait a minute. They're not so great. OK, but there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love Tonya Harding Al Sharpton?! SHRIEKS: Tom Arnold! What the hell's going on? Wait. Only that ship is going to Mars. Ours is headed for the sun. Yeah, ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great but I never tied people up and forced them to watch and I could've, 'cause I'm a big guy and I'm good with knots. So, we're all going to die? 'Fraid so, but, hey, the grub's pretty good, huh? The sun? That's the hottest place on earth. Gonna work on my tannage, buddy. Pauly Shore? Wow! Hey, we should do a show together, man. That's a sure cure for the blues. (BLOWS PARTY HORN) Hey, turn those frowns around! Oh no, Rosie O'Donnell! Come on, everybody, sing along. # Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley... This side only! ALL: # Ding, ding, ding, went the bell. # Zing, zing, zing, went my heartstrings # from the moment I saw him, I fell. Don't worry, Dad. We'll be dead in five minutes. Not fast enough. # Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings... # (SIGHS) < POP! POP! > Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017