DOCUMENTARY FILMMAKER: Antarctica. An inhospitable wasteland. But even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, we find life. (wind whistling) And not just any life. Penguins. -(penguins laughing) -Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. (chuckles) Look at them tumbling on to their chubby bum-bums. Who could take these frisky little snow clowns... Seriously? Does anyone even know where we're marching to? -Who cares? -I question nothing. -Me, too. -Me, too. -Well, fine! We'll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves. Kowalski! Rico! Engage aerial surveillance. (grunting, panting) - Here we go! Doing it! Come on! Skipper, we appear to be flightless. -Aw, well, what's the point of these? (grunts) Whoa! I like it! Hey, this could be our thing! What are we gonna call it? Let's call it the, uh... 'high one.' -(gasping) -Hey! Anybody see that? That's an egg! Is someone gonna go get it? - W-We can't do that. -Why not? -Well, it's a dangerous world out there, and we're just penguins. You know, nothing but cute and cuddly. Yeah. Why do you think there are always documentary crews filming us? (penguins squeaking) Well, sorry, kid. You know, we lose a few eggs every year. It's just nature. Oh, right, nature. I guess that makes sense, but... something... something deep down in my gut tells me that it-it makes no sense at all. You know what? I reject nature! - (others gasp) Who's with me?! (yelling) (gasps) (screams) Ha-ha! (chuckles) (grunting) (penguins gasp) (penguins gasp) (penguins gasp) (penguins gasp) (penguins gasp) (penguins sigh) The old ship. No one's ever returned from there alive. (squawking) SKIPPER: Relax, Kowalski. There's a bird down there now. -Look, he's fine. -(others gasp) Leopard seals-- nature's snakes. Aren't snakes nature's snakes? How should I know? I live on the flipping frozen tundra. (seals barking) SKIPPER: They're going for the egg! Give me a way down there, ASAP! All one would have to do is collect 300 feet of kelp, dry it in the... -Tiny and helpless, the baby penguins are frozen with fear. They know if they fall from this cliff, they will surely die. Gunter, give them a shove. KOWALSKI: ...harnessing the jellyfish we've trained to obey simple voice commands. (penguins yell) Now, that's more like it! (penguins sigh, yell) (penguins grunt) (roars) - That-a-boy, Rico! SKIPPER: Don't let him have it! -Okay. I guess that works. -(seal growls) -(penguins gasping) -(seals grunting, jaws snapping) KOWALSKI: Get to high ground! -Hoo-yah! -Ha-ha! Success! Oh. -KOWALSKI: I'd recommend firing it now. -Nope, hold on. -Uh, we really should fire it. -Not till we see the white of its eyes. They're mostly pupil. Very little white. Almost none! They got to have a little bit of white, right? -None whatsoever. -What if they look really far to the left? SKIPPER: Fire in the hole! (penguins yelling) (metal creaking) (boom!) (explosion whistles) Kowalski, analysis? We are really awesome at this. Boys, we did it! Mission accomplished! Hey, hey, we can do our thing. High one! Yes! (laughing, whooping) -Whoa-ho! -Ha-ha-ha! (crackling) -Ooh. My bad. -(gasps) -Uh-oh. Look. It's... it's the miracle of birth. (crackling) A moment... of extraordinary beauty. (groaning, spitting) Oh, that's disgusting! I think I have amniotic sac in my mouth! (giggles) -(gasps) -Whoa! Hello. Are you my family? You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry. Wh-What? What? I-I thought that was what we were all nodding about. No one's gonna die! Know what you've got, kid? You've got us. We've got each other. And if that ain't a family, I don't know what is. So adorable. Kowalski, what's our trajectory? - 95% certain we're still doomed. And the, uh, other five percent? KOWALSKI: Adventure and glory like no penguins have ever seen before. I'll take that action. - But where are we going? SKIPPER: The future, boys. Glorious future! (lively dance music playing) SKIPPER: Ah, that song! I swear it's gonna make me lose my salmon. Singing getting louder, Skipper! - Then move faster! Somebody get that wig off Private. ('AFRO CIRCUS'/'I LIKE TO MOVE IT' PLAYS) Kowalski, status report! - I'm really getting tired of this song. SKIPPER: Well, the best part of owning a circus is you can transport a cannon over state lines. (loud boom) (fireworks whistle, penguins whoop) Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2017 Ten years ago on this very day, a tiny egg hatched, and our world got a little bit cuter. -(giggles) -So tonight, Private, we celebrate your birthday by infiltrating the United States gold depository at Fort Knox! -Splendid! -All right! -What? -There she is, boys. The object of our unholy desire. The butter on our biscuit. The royal flush. -PRIVATE: Skipper? -Private, what's our rule about interrupting analogies? Sorry. Please continue. The moment's gone. Private ruined it. -Sir, we're approaching our target. (penguins grunt) But, Skipper, I really... Are you questioning my leadership, Private? -No, sir. -Too bad. 'Cause I respect a soldier with some moxie. Really? Then I really think we should... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dial back the moxie, sass-mouth. (chuckles): Oh, look at you. Still so adorable. SKIPPER: Fire in the hole! Huh? FEMALE VOICE: 8:00. Night-night time. -Wha...? -(men gasping) (snoring) Private, come on! AUTOMATED VOICE: Please enter pass code. - Kowalski, you're up. AUTOMATED VOICE: Please enter pass code. - Rico, sonic incursion device. (bluegrass music playing) Oh, come on, you're kidding right? - Kentucky, Skipper. They do love their Flatt and Scruggs. AUTOMATED SOUTHERN VOICE: Y'all come in now, y'hear? Have yourself a iced tea. (locks whirring, clanking) Private, if you could have anything you wanted in the whole wide world, what would it be? -Well, gee, Skipper, I think to be a meaningful and valued member of this team. Ah. Well, we got you something else. -A vending machine? -Well, not just any vending machine, Private. The last remaining home in America's nanny state for those succulent but chemically hazardous bits of popped heaven called... PRIVATE: (gasps) Cheezy Dibbles! Happy ding-dong birthday, you little scamp! Oh-ho-ho! Oh-ho, thank you! (kissing, giggling) (frantic gasping) You mess with the bull, you're gonna get the horns, Private. Now, hit that machine and get your present. We just broke into the most secure facility in North America. -You know what that means? -We're wanted criminals who'll be on the lam the rest of our lives, always feeling the hot breath of Johnny Law on our necks? -No! It means, as elite units go, we're the elitest of the elite. -(Private gasping) -Top shelf in the bureau. The penultimate, plus one. Where'd Private go? Oh, there he is. D-3. Oh, Private. How much is he? - He's $3.50, sir. Well, that's outrageous. Even for Private. (gasps) Sir, the machine is alive! I don't think I like your attitude, vending machine. Or your prices! Release them! (screams) What the...? (man gasps, screams) (loud crunch) Your kids use as much data as you do. So if you're tired of topping up their prepay, just add Red Share to your Red+ mobile plan and keep them connected with data to share and unlimited talk and TXT. But even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, Kowalski, analysis. All evidence indicates... (stomach gurgling) ...I ate too many Cheezy Dibbles. - (exhales) We're behind enemy lines and incredibly thirsty. Rico, bust us out of this delicious prison. -Nice work, Rico. -Ha-ha! You are a meaningful and valued member of this team. Hmm. (gulps) (gagging, coughing) SKIPPER: Private, quit lollygagging. And regular gagging. Dark and ominous-- two of my least favourite traits in a room. Oh, look! A button. - Huh? Private, don't! -Now, what have I told you about...? -Sorry, what? (rumbling, whirring) (clang) It looks like some sort of giant laser sent to kill us all, sir. PRIVATE: Ooh! Another one. - OTHERS: No! -Huh? -Wha...? (singsongy): Naughty, naughty. - KOWALSKI: Huh? Pretty birds belong in their cages. (penguins gasp) ALL: Ew! Now, that's just hurtful. And I was so happy to see you again. Skipper... Kowalski... Rico... and sweet little Private. Boop! Who are you? The humans know me as Dr Octavius Brine. Renowned geneticist, cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives. But you know me by a different, much older name. A name perhaps you'd hoped you'd never hear again. A phantom! A shadow of a former life! I... am... Dave! Kowalski? - Sorry, sir, no clue. Dave...! Dave! Dave...! Dave? - Dave...! -Dave. -Dave! (scoffs) (cricket chirps) Sorry. Wait. Wait. Uh... I... I live this way. Go ahead, Dan, continue. - You seriously don't remember me? Dave! Dave! Right! Oh, yeah, long time. Uh... how's the wife? I've never been married. You may not remember me, but I could never forget... you. Let's shake up some old memories. New York City. The Central Park Zoo. -(voice-over): Life was good. -(children laughing) Roomy tank, great location, monkey-house views. -And, of course... -(children gasp) -...my adoring legion of fans. -Cool. -(voice-over): Dave! The octopus of a thousand tricks. Awesome! (voice-over): I was the total package. -GIRL: Wow. -MAN: Hey, kids! You got to see this. Get up here quick! WOMAN: Come on, kids... (voice-over): And then you arrived. WOMAN: Oh, they're so adorable! -(crowd cheering) Just, uh, smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. (voice-over): And took everything from me. GIRL: They are so adorable. WOMAN: Have you ever seen anything cuter? (voice-over): Four adorable baby penguins. With you around, no one wanted an old octopus anymore. -'Out you go, Dave.' -(engine starts) And so it went, over and over, at zoo after aquarium. I can't see the penguins, man! (voice-over): Adorable penguins stole the show. MAN: Whoo! Yeah! (voice-over): While I was shunned. - (toilet flushes) Forgotten. Unwanted. Alone. That sounds awful. Oh, it was. I came to realise some creatures are born to get all the love. The rest of us get nothing! The only thing that has kept me going all these years is my burning thirst for revenge! And my precious souvenir snow globe collection. (Rico grunting) -(gagging) -(Dave exclaims) What is wrong with you?! (grunts 'I don't know,' swallows) Oh, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl, you can't blame us for what happened to you. Uh, can. That's how this whole revenge thing works. And with this, I finally have the power to destroy you. Crikey! (burbling) Nicolas, cage them. I've got some bad news for you, Dennis. You messed with the wrong birds. Because we are an elite unit, the best of the best. Cream of the corn on a platinum cob. And we're gonna take your deadly green goop and sashay right out the exit hatch. And just how are you going to do that? Deploy secret weapon. (chuckles) -Aah! The cheese, it burns! -(octopi burbling) Roll out. (Dave yelling) (grunts) (Dave grunts) - After them! All right, boys, it's just like Cuba. Taxi! (people screaming) How about some music? Something chase-y. (playing fast, suspenseful music) Here they come. Let's move. PRIVATE: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke again! Stroke some more! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! -Stroke! Sorry! -(speaking angrily in Italian) (man shouting in Italian) (speaking frantically in Italian) -(muffled yelling) -(octopus burbling) We got baddies, six o'clock. SKIPPER: Kowalski, battle formation. (octopus burbling) Ha! So you squeegees want to do the gondola mambo? -(octopus burbling) -Let's dance. Ow! Mother-of-pearl, that stings! I've lost visual. -(octopus burbles) -Kowalski, be my eyes. -Uh, left. -(grunts) KOWALSKI: Right, right! Up! Duck. -(octopus burbling) -(man speaking Italian) SKIPPER: I think I got 'em. - They are down, sir. Excelente. (octopus grunts, burbles) -Skipper! -KOWALSKI: They're back up. And we are running out of canal. Parker Posey! Go all-terrain. (ACTION MUSIC CONTINUES) -Will you marry me? -Huh? (burbles) We've lost engine one! (grunts) And two and three. -Four! -(woman screams) -(laughs) -Switch to emergency power. -Aye, aye, Skipper. (engine revving) PRIVATE: We've got melons! Dead ahead! I can see. -Rico, the glowy thing! -(grunts) Aah! Venetian blinded again! KOWALSKI: We've been boarded. - Initiate self-destruct sequence. -(man grunts, screams) -(whooping) -Nice. -Whee! -(people scream) Frankly, I'm surprised we had a self-destruct sequence. (grunting) - (octopi burbling) - (resumes suspenseful music) (groaning, sighing) - SKIPPER: All right, boys, battle stance. We're in battle stance, sir. Oh. Okay, good. Now we, uh, spring our trap. KOWALSKI: I'm not sure they're the ones that are trapped, sir. Kowalski, remember our little talk about true but unhelpful comments? KOWALSKI: Yes, sir. - Sometimes we just have to wing it. -(bird screeches) -(octopus burbling) Wow. (beeping) -(frantic burbling) -(phone ringing) (whimpering) Sorry for underestimating the plan, Skipper. It's okay, Kowalski. Just don't ever doubt me again. Now, what the heck is going on?! Remain calm, penguins. You are now under the protection of the North Wind. You're welcome. Aw, you guys are so cute. -(penguins protesting, groaning) -You guys are just so, so cute! - Ooh... and cuddly. - (penguins groaning) Hey, get away! No more hugs! It's like being licked by a basket full of puppy dogs. -Corporal! -Hmm? Corporal! Chart a course back to North Wind headquarters. Eva, inform them that we're bringing in witnesses. Private, Dibble me. We're not going anywhere with you. We don't even know who the heck you are. The North Wind is an elite undercover interspe... (crunch!) The North Wind is an elite under... - (crunch!) An elite undercover interspecies... - (crunch!) ...task... - (crunch!) ...force, dedicated to help... - (crunch!) helping... - (crunch!) -Dedicated to helping... -(crunch!) (groans) Dedi... - (crunch!) Dedicated to helping animals who can't help themselves. - (loud crunching) Like penguins. Really? And you are? My name is classified. - Classified, eh? What is that, uh, Dutch? -Can't really hear the accent. -Excuse me? There's the accent. No, my name isn't Classified. My name is classified because I am the leader of this strike team. The seal is Short Fuse-- weapons and explosives. The bear is Corporal-- he's our muscle. And the owl is Eva-- intelligence and analysis. Well, Agent Classified, we happen to be an elite unit, too. - (button clicks, alarm beeping) FEMALE VOICE: Self-destruct sequence activated. You know, you should really label these things. FEMALE VOICE: In three, two, one... - (alarm stops) The name's Skipper. I run this outfit. Back there is Kowalski. He's the brains of our operation. Say something smart, Kowalski. - Uh... See? He's working on a whole 'nother level. And Rico, he's our demolition expert. (squawks, chuckles) He destroyed that chair for the sheer fun of it. No reason at all. And then there's Private. He's, uh... he's sort of our, uh, you know, secretary/mascot. -Cute. -And cuddly. (chuckles) Oh, sorry. - Well, let's see how well 'cute and cuddly' handles this next bit. (engines roaring) (blip-blip!) (engines rev, whirr) (chuckles) Nice doggy door. -PRIVATE: Wow. -(Rico chuckles) -KOWALSKI: Whoa. Wow. -PRIVATE: Look at this. SKIPPER: Well, well, well. Not a bad place you got here, Classified. Thank you. That's not my name. FEMALE VOICE: Arrival at pad 17. All right, tiny penguins, the best way for the North Wind to protect helpless animals like yourselves is to bring Dr. Brine to justice. Now, you were inside his sub, so I need to know everything you know. -(whooping excitedly) (penguins laughing and whooping) PENGUINS: Hey! Just tell me everything you know. All right. Numero uno: Never trust a Dutchman in a tulip fight. Tulip fight... - Canada is secretly training an army of Sasquatch. -Sasquatch... -Hot dogs are, in fact, -only 17 percent actual dog. -17 percent... Not 'everything' everything. Just everything regarding your abduction by Dr. Octavius Brine. Ah. -Why didn't you say so? -What? My team has uncovered that Dr. Octavius Brine is actually an individual known as Derek. -Dave. -As Dave the octopus. SHORT FUSE: An octopus? (chuckles) No. Dr Brine is not an octopus. He is... An octopus. (clears throat) Precisely. That's exactly what our intel indicated. (whispering): Release the sheep. (bleating) What you, of course, could not know is that Dr. Brine's laboratory in Venice is secretly developing a doomsday weapon called the 'Medusa Serum.' Ah, but what you don't know is that Dirk... -Dave. Dave won't be using his bazooka serum... -Medusa Serum. -...Medusa Serum on anybody. That part is accurate. - Show him, Rico. You... You stole the Medusa Serum? Well, stole the serum, saved the day, did your job for you. Call it what you will. Debbie! -Dave. -Dave! He hacked into our system. Where's the sound? -D-Dave. -I can't... I can't hear anything. -Your microphone, it's not on. - Click on the button with the picture of the microphone. Every time a villain calls in, this happens. Hello? Hello? -So annoying. -Now we can hear you, but we cannot see you. -Every time. - It's like talking to my parents. How about now? -Hurray! -Great! -Yes, oh, yes! Yes, we've got you; that's fantastic. - Excellent. Now, where was I? (cackling) -Dave! -(growling, gasping) Greetings, North Wind. I see you've met my old zoo-mates. We were never mates. There was no mating. Turn yourself in, David. You're powerless now that I've stolen your precious Medusa Serum. -What? You? -You didn't steal that. -It's over. It's over? Then why did I call you? Weird. Oh, maybe it was to show you this. -(gasping) -That is a lot of serum for four penguins. Oh, you thought this was just about you four? No, no, no, no, no, no. We're just getting started. (camera clicks) Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go do some shopping... for revenge! - (computer beeps) Wait, how do you... (burbling) - What do I push? Is it the red or... I thought it was the... It's not this... (alarm blaring) -Incoming alert. -Put it on the screen. The Berlin Zoo-- 15 penguins missing. Dave's kidnapping other penguins! - No doubt cute and cuddly. BOTH: We have to move! What? -Time for our A-game. -Everybody, huddle up. Corporal, ready the jet. I'm initiating North Wind Protocol Zeta. 12 more penguins taken from London Zoo. Okay, boys, this is it. The mission we've been preparing for our entire lives. We're gonna take down Dave or die trying. Kowalski, cancel our improv class! -Yes, sir. -Rico, equipify. -Hai! Private, do that little thing I like. (laughs) It's still funny. Skipper, good news. I got them to credit our class. Sir, the jet is ready. -Oh, yeah, baby! -Whee! -Just like Super Bowl 19! They're stealing my stuff! -(chuckles) -No! This mission has no place for a pathetic waddle of useless penguins! -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Who are you calling pathetic? - Enough! See, Rico, that's why you can't have nice things. (snoring) -Ooh! -(groans) You know, uh, (grunts) I'm, uh, pretty good with computers myself. (snoring) SHORT FUSE: Put on your jammies, penguin. -Aw. -They are even cute when they're asleep. Not to me. - I want these butterballs out of my way and out of my mission. Ship them to one of our safe houses. The most remote place on the planet. I feel like I'm on a game. I'm driving this car through these screens. Yee-hoo-hoo! (TYRES SCREECH) Yeah! (ENGINE BUZZES) Whoo-hoo! But even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, Skipper: (groans) Where the heck are we? KOWALSKI: Oxygen content is low. I suggest we limit our breathing. (quiet, squeaking fart) - SKIPPER: Aw, Private! (gasping) Sorry! I get gassy when I fly. Toot sweet! He does. - We must be on a plane. (coughing) What did North Wind do to us? Ooh, they gave us badges. Not badges, tranquiliser darts. Classified! That low-down dirty dog is trying to kick us off the mission. He thinks we can't save the penguins because we're just 'penguins.' Well, penguins are our flesh and feathers. They're us. And if anyone's gonna save us, it's us. - But, Skipper, we've got to be five miles up. That pretty much limits our options. -I make my own options. (screaming) (FRANTIC ACTION MUSIC) Brilliant move, Skipper, but now we seem to be outside the plane. Well, kind of got caught up in the moment. Well, hindsight's 20/20. Okay, Kowalski, your turn to pick up the slack. Uh... - Oh, why don't we catch that plane? -(screams) -Whoa! Bird strike, log it. (screaming) KOWALSKI: We've got another target at 12 o'clock. - Good, it's only 11:30. Follow me, boys! We're going in hot. Hot, hot, hot! (gasping) No one likes a show-off, Private. KOWALSKI: Aim for first class! (people screaming) (grunting) -(speaking French) -I'm okay! Kowalski, where does this aircraft go? From the odd shape of this bagel, I'd say we're headed for Paris. France? Forget it! Not with their tax laws! Then I would suggest a mid-air transfer. -Affirmative. -Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts, peanut, peanut, peanut. -We're out of peanuts, Skipper! -Try pretzels, Private. (grunts) Bingo. There's our ride, boys. Can't stay, doll. Danger is my mistress. Aah! Rico, more height. -(screams) -Pretzels! Pretzels! Pretzel, pretzel, pretzels! -We're out of pretzels! -Yeah? Then we're leaving just in time, 'cause these folks are gonna freak! Deploy flaps. Stay on target! - (Rico chuckles) PRIVATE: We're gonna catch it, we're gonna catch it! Crikey! We're not gonna catch it! Wait a minute, where's Skipper? - (garbled grunting) Time to get creative. Start grabbing boxes, boys. Going long! (laughs) Ooh! Oh, Private, stop playing with those backpacks. Find something useful. (garbled grunting) - Now we're talking. Let's get to work. 400 metres. 300 metres! Speak American, Kowalski! Sorry, sir. 218 yards. 109 yards. Okay, then. It's clear what we need to do next. (laughing, whooping) KOWALSKI: That feels right. Impressive bouncing, boys. Now, then, back to civilisation. If we're gonna take Dexter down, we need to know where he's gonna strike next. (whoops) (grunting, laughing) -Yeah! -Whoo! ALL: Goal...! -(whistle blowing) -ALL: Huh? Elijah, would you please take them away? (penguins gasp) (Dave laughing maniacally) (whooshing) EVA: Penguin footprints, still warm. We just missed Dave. Aw, blast it, he's gone. So many penguins! (yelling) Boss! He's stress-eating again! -Corporal? -There, there. Rub the angry out of the tummy. - Corporal? Fo... focus. We are going to save those helpless penguins, because... we are the North Wind, and no one... no one breaks the Wind. (muffled): No one breaks the Wind. There's a good Corporal. Now, we rescued those four penguins already, didn't we? Shipped them off all cosy and snug... -(beeping) ...to a Madagascar... How come there's beeping? Sir, those penguins-- they never made it to Madagascar. -(Corporal gasps) -What? -Well, where the dickens are they? Kowalski, what are our coordinates? From my calculations, we've arrived in the centre of Dublin, Ireland. All right, soldiers, we got to blend in. Riverdance. (IRISH MUSIC) No time to kiss the Blarney stone, boys. We need to find intel on Dave's location, pronto. SKIPPER: Aha! All right, you, where's Dave! Give us the goods. Spit it out! -Don't make me use shillelagh! -Sir, that's... That's a baby squid. (crying) Sorry, laddie. -(squid giggles) -Ugh! Stranded on the Emerald Isle without a single clue. Well, so much for the luck o' the Irish. KOWALSKI: Skipper, look! Huh? - (woman speaks Chinese on TV) SKIPPER: Begorrah! Does anyone speak Gaelic? No. But it looks like Dave's been busy. He's stolen penguins from Guadalajara! -Madrid! -Paris! -KOWALSKI: Athens! -SKIPPER: Bangalore! (retches) KOWALSKI: Dusseldorf! -Osaka! -Rio de Janeiro! -Nairobi! -Amsterdam! PRIVATE: Baton Rouge! Dave's snow globe collection. It's every zoo and aquarium he got kicked out of! Don't tell me where he has been, tell me where he will have has been next. -(retching) -Wait, what is it, Rico? It's a book! -It's a film! It's a play! -(retching continues) -First word. Two syllables. -Sounds like... 'huuh!' -(retching continues) -Sounds like 'huuh'? Sounds like 'hyech!' What starts with 'hyech'? (retches) Shanghai. Dave hasn't been there yet, Skipper. If we hurry, we can still stop him. Nice work, Rico. Pack your bagpipes, boys. It's time to blow this potato stand. (tyres screech) (distant horn beeps) So this is it. Shanghai's famous Little Dublin district. (gasps) Skipper, look! I see you, Private. (laughs) Who's the big boy standing on his tippy-toes? -Wha...? No, I mean... -I just want to eat you up. Skipper, look! Above Private! Dave's next target-- Shanghai's famous mermaid penguins. SKIPPER: Good eye, Kowalski. And once again, you've proved that you are a meaningful and valued member of this team. - (groans) Your kids use as much data as you do. So if you're tired of topping up their prepay, just add Red Share to your Red+ mobile plan and keep them connected with data to share and unlimited talk and TXT. MAN (over P.A.): Ladies and gentlemen, Shanghai Marine World is pleased to present our world-famous Mermaid Penguins! -(crowd cheering) Tonight, our mermaids dedicate their performance to all the missing penguins around the world. Stay safe, little guys, wherever you are. And we hope you come home real soon. (cackling softly) Now, keep those eyes roving, boys. Dave is a master of disguise. He could be a small child, a house plant, maybe even you or me! Is it you, Kowalski? Hey, hold on. -Huh? -(timer ticking) Ha! Wait a minute. Bingo! Nice try, Dave! Operation Flash, Splash and Crash is a go! -Splendid! -(giggles) -Take positions. ANNOUNCER (over P.A.): Penguin feeding time will begin in two minutes. (grunting) Target, 30 yards and closing. (imitates radio static) In position, Skipper. (imitates radio static) SKIPPER: Rico, report. (garbled): In position. For you, Private. - Yes, Skipper! Here's your mermaid costume. - What? We need a diversion. And, frankly, you're the only one who can pull off that look. But I can do more, Skipper. I want to help the team. Really help the team. If you think I'm ready, which I am. (chuckles) Assuming you agree. And perhaps even... if you don't? I like the moxie, soldier, but right now, I need a tail on that tush and the cutest smile you've got. You trust me, soldier? Aye-aye, Skipper. MAN: Hey, it's feeding time! Target, ten yards from flashpoint. (imitates radio static) Private, you're up. (gasps) You just 'mermaid' my day. -(groans) -Flash is a go! -(gasps) Look, they let one of the mermaids out of the tank! Oh, she's so cute. - It's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Shields up! (cameras clicking) (grunts) Target is stunned. Rico, bring the Splash. (humming) -Huh? -(growling) -(gasps) (laughs) Yeah! Oh! (laughs) (people cheering) Oh, what are you doing out here, cutie? Come on. Back in your tank. Secure the mermaids and find me... ...David the octopus. A little late, North Wind. -(growls) -Mission accomplished. High one! Corporal, take our prisoner-- the one that belongs to us-- into custody. - What? - You melted him?! You birds are sick! He's going in through the pipes! (cackling) Skipper! Private? Private! You got to get out of there! -(screams) -No, no, no. No, no, no, no! -Private! -Skipper! Private! -Help! -No! Okay. Here we go. Move, move, move! He's got Private! He's getting away. He's getting away! Skipper, the North Wind's plane. Sweet chariot of the gods! But can you fly it, man? There's only one way to find out. No, I, uh... still can't read. Then we're going off-book. (beeping) -No! No, no, no, no! -(groans) SKIPPER: Too much, too much, too much, too much, too much! (screaming) I'm getting the hang of this, Skipper. (muffled mumbling) Good! We're coming for you, Private! Those ludicrous butterballs are letting David escape! Eva, secure transport. Short Fuse, Corporal, hitch us a ride. Fire! (screams) Go fetch. Hold her steady. (Corporal yelling) (grunts) Sir, Dave is pulling ahead. We are too heavy. Oh, curse our heavily cheese-dibbled diet! Rico, give me a West Helsinki fire sale. -Yeah, yeah. -Everything must go! (garbled grunting) Huh? What the... (screams) (grunting) Ow! That's everything, sir. - Have you purged the chemical toilet? But Rico was in there for 15 minutes! -Just do it! -(toilet flushes) - (screams) - (groaning) (line squeaking) (groans) (gasps) - No, no, no, no, no, no, no! (screaming) -(beeping) -Self destruct sequence in five,... -No, Private! -four,... -Stay strong soldier! ...three, two, one. (screaming) Skipper's log. Private has been kidnapped by Dave, while we have been cast adrift for what seems like days. No rations, fresh water... (coughs) ...or land in sight. Kowalski is sick as a dog. - (retching) And Rico keeps trying to eat him. Just, please, just cut it out. (groans) Oh! (retching) Not sure how long we can hold on. This may be my final entry. -(cork pops) -Ow! 2004 Grand Cru. Hints of pear, white peaches. -Mmm, the salmon is delicious. -Oh, I have never been more hydrated in my life. -Let me cut you a piece of the salmon. -No, thank you. I'm stuffed. -It's the most delicious thing on the boat. -(sighs) I have to loosen my utility belt. -No, I'm full. Just dump it in the ocean. You know, we're all in the same boat here. Actually, we're not. And perhaps you could express a little more concern over the fact that you stole and destroyed a $19 million vehicle! (growls) - Bill me. (growls) Corporal? Corporal? -We're picking up a signal, sir. -(beeping) -Huh? -It's five klicks southwest, but it stopped at that remote island. Land? Good on you. You've tracked down some land. No, silly willy. We've been tracking your little secretary/mascot. What? You put a homing device on Private? All of you, actually, when I darted you. -(grumbles) -You low-down, dirty, mangy, filthy, flea-bitten, bum-sniffing toilet drinker! But... good. See, I told you. You should've left this to the professionals. (crunching loudly) (steady beeping) (harmonica playing) -(sighs) -892. 893. 894. -Ow! -895. DAVE: Ahoy there! Penguins. I bet you're all just dying to know why I brought you here. -(gasps) -He's gonna kill us all! What? (chuckles) No. (shudders) My Medusa Serum doesn't kill anyone. Where's the fun in that? (high-pitched voice): So, um, what does it do? Something much, much worssse. Right. But, like, what specifically? Well, that's exactly what I came up here to show you. All I need is a test subject. Hello, little buggy-boo! - Is this about the chirping? 'Cause I could... Whoa! -Whoa! -(gasps) Behold, as I unleash the full power of the Medusa Serum. Fire! - (whirring) (gasping) (gasping) (Dave cackling) Yes! It works! (snorting, grunting) -I made a monster. -(jaws snap) -I made a monster! And all you adorable penguins are next! (echoing): Crikey! Huh? Who said that? No. No. No. (gasps) - Yes! Gentlemen, you remember Private. (burbling): Oh, hey. You'll never get away with this, Dave. My brothers are coming, and together we'll take a wrecking ball to your whole rotten operation. Call off the hunt, everyone. Turns out the elite unit will be coming to us. Boop. AGENT CLASSIFIED (over radio): Eva? What do you see? My count is 30 hostiles. KOWALSKI: 31. Uh, those two are very close together. I-I mean, you know, intertwined, physically, but... but not in, uh... Ixnay on the irtflay, Kowalski. Poor Private. Alone, helpless in the belly of that beast. We've faced some long odds before, Skipper, but these look like the longest... and oddest. If we're gonna pull this off, we'll need a diversion. FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Deactivating jungle camouflage. - Shh! Would you be quiet? -Listen, Classified... -Short Fuse, you were supposed to handcuff them to the rock! Don't you hologram me! - I tried, but they don't have hands. They just have flippers, boss. And-and I have flippers! So it's flipping useless! -(growls) -All right, pooch. If you won't work with us, you better work for us. Our plan requires a diversion. I give the orders around here. Much as it pains me, I need you to act as our diversion for our operation, understood? Nope! This is our plan, and it requires you to cause a diversion. -Die-version. -Dih-version. -Die, die, die, die, die, die! -Dih, dih, dih, dih, dih, dih! Gentlemen, there is only one way to resolve this. -We should kiss. -Plan-off. Yep, plan-off. That's what I was gonna say. (sighs): Plan-off. Here's Dave's sub. And this young, helpless, vulnerable rock is Private. And here's Dave. While you four blowhards dih-vert the octopi, we strike fast and strike hard! Hi-yah! Get on in here, boys! Slap him silly, Rico! Come on! -(others whooping) -SKIPPER: Kowalski, free the hostages! Now, that's what I'm talking about, big fella! With Private freshly liberated, we celebrate with a well-earned high one, and feast off Dave's sweet remains. Any questions? Whoa-hoa, hey, now! Wow. I mean, truly impressive. Especially... the bit where you slap the fruit. Oh! Corporal, dim the lights. Short Fuse, glasses. -KOWALSKI: Ooh. -(Rico growls) (whirring) My apologies. Had to rush a bit. The schematic's a little crude. - (EPIC MUSIC) Where is that music coming from? -Wow. All right, at 2150, Skipper, Kowalski and-- Richard, was it?-- die-vert the octopi away from their posts. At 2200, Short Fuse breaches the hull with a swarm of self-guided underwater nano-charges. (soft gasp) - I call them 'wet kabooms.' Yes, please don't. -SHORT FUSE: Okay, sorry. -At 2202, knock, knock. -Who's there? The North Wind. -The North Wind who? -The North Wind who doesn't have time for knock-knock jokes because we're too busy taking down Dave. Personal hover tank... (echoing): check. Auto-targeting wing mounts. Why not? At 2209,... mission accomplished. See that? I don't even look back. There's a huge explosion, and I just keep walking. (Short Fuse whoops) Way to go, boss! That's North Wind, sucker! -Nicely done. La-di, blah, blah, blah, blah. A good plan is about more than effecty stuff and... vocabulary words. (chuckles): Oh. And you, you... you certainly know a good plan-- I mean, your operation in Shanghai allowed Dave to escape with... your boy. I've never lost a member of my team. It must feel... awful. Can't imagine the guilt, the regret, the feeling that, uh, I don't know, that... (sputtering exhale) it should have been you. All for penguin plan? All for North Wind plan? His... his is better. -(grunts) -What? I'm sorry, boys, but I can't lead you this time. But... (sighs) we're a team, and... and you're our skipper, Skipper. We don't... we don't need these guys. No, Kowalski, but Private does. I think... it's time we leave it to the professionals. -But, sir... -It's settled. We take our orders from Agent Classified now. -(grunting) -That's an order, Rico! (whimpers) All right, Classified... what's the diversion? (quietly): We take this shame to our graves. - Agreed. (playing lively music) ALL: Hey! (octopi burbling melodically) -Time? -2200 hours. Time to take down Dave. (grunts) David the octopus, show me your tentacles. All of them. (slurps loudly) -(grunting) -Ow! (octopi burbling melodically) (melodic burbling stops) (excited burbling) (accordion plays) -We lost them, Skipper. -Not a moment too soon. These hosen are riding up my bundesliga. All right, boys, grab your coconuts and hold 'em tight. Classified should be walking away from a huge explosion with Private on his shoulder in three... two... Give 'em a welcome home, Rico! - (chuckles, retches) Whoo-hoo! Yeah! In your face, Dave! - The Private is back! - Welcome home, Private! - Yeah! All right! Here we go. All right. Sir, the sub didn't explode, and, uh... (clears throat) I fear the... fireworks may have been a tactical mistake. (accordion plays) (grunting) (octopi burbling melodically) (lively music plays) (octopi burbling excitedly) SHORT FUSE: Stay calm! Do not panic! We will still win! Be full of love! Don't hate! Follow your dreams! Love yourself! Love other people! Pick and choose your battles in life! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Ignore the haters! Love the one you're with! Love the one you're with! -Eva. (softly): I know. Welcome, Skipper, Kowalski and rootin'-tootin' Rico! The gang's all here! The mood is electric! Is this really, finally everybody? All right, Dave, just what have you done with... Private! - Oh! Guys! You're in for it now, Dave! - Really?! Anyway, great catching up. Now, who's ready to move on to live penguin testing? SKIPPER: You point that death ray away from Private right now! -It's not a death ray, Skipper. He's gonna turn us into monsters! Yepper-doo! 'And what comes next, Dave?' Invasion! Oh, horrible mutant penguins unleashed on the streets of New York City! You're the monster! Yes! I'm the monster. Everyone made that clear to me every day of my entire life. But now, let's see how much everyone loves you when you're the monster! -Skipper! -You can't take away Private's cuteness! He's the cute one! That's-that's his thing. -What? -It's all the little guy's got! -(groans) -DAVE: Hmm. You are super cute. We better crank this up. Drew, Barry, more power. Ready? - Negotiations have broken down. Rico, the paper clip! Bust us out of here! - (retches) We need that paper clip! Chop-chop, soldier! (grunting) (retching, grunting continue) - No! Where's the paper clip! (strained grunting) Private! (grunting) (gasps, yells) No! (giggles, gasps) -Private... -Oh, no. (whimpers) I disintegrated him. That wasn't supposed to happen. You maniac! You blew him up! - (groans) - No. Oh, well. This is why we test things, people. I'll have to lower the power for the others. Full speed ahead, gentlemen. The monsters are due in Manhattan! (panting quietly): Ooh... (kisses) (gasps) (wheels squeaking) (whack!) - PRIVATE: Sorry. (gasps) Crikey. All right, all right, octopus. Whatever Dave's paying you, I'll double it. (burbles) Is that a yes? Does anyone speak octopus? -Sorry. -No, not a clue. -Blast it. (beep) You... free... us. We give you... many fishes. Om-nom-nom-nom-nom. What is that? (Short Fuse gasps) (Short Fuse shrieks) -Oh, great. -Oh, no! This is it! CORPORAL: I don't want to die all squishy! (Short Fuse screaming) We're dead! Dead! Dead! Dead! Oh, no, we're dead! Dead! Dead...! I pushed a button. (chuckles) Super. Well done, Private! Good work, malinki. Yay. Yes. Yes. Um... excellent button-pushing. Hmm. Compliment, praise, et cetera. All right, agents, we are back in business. (giggles) Wait! Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, all those penguins, they're this way! And so is a massive army of octopi. And as soon as we return to the North Wind headquarters, grab fresh equipment, and work up a smashing new plan, we'll come speeding back and take down Dave. But the penguins are in danger! We have to go now! Again, huge army of octopi. So, because you failed once, you're just running away? We did not fail. And we are not running away. We're just very sensibly regrouping. Skipper wouldn't care. Plan or no, fancy equipment or no... he'd never leave a man behind. Well, I suppose we can't all be penguins, can we? No. But maybe you should be. Come on. (grunting) Showtime, everyone! Big smiles for the Big Apple! Listen up, Doris! You turn us into freaks, and then what? You think that's gonna make everybody love you? No, but they'll despise you. (screams) (penguins grunt) And I'm sure gonna love that. REPORTER: Breaking news! The missing penguins have been found! Okay. According to my notes, genetic researcher Dr. Octavius Brine has found the penguins and is bringing them here to New York's Battery Park. The penguins are coming back! Oh, my gosh! Look! (crowd murmuring) (crowd cheering) Penguin lovers of the world, guess who I found. CROWD (chanting): Penguins! Penguins! It wasn't easy, but seeing the penguins get what they deserve will make it all worthwhile. What a weird thing to say! I'm so excited! Do it. (gasps) Skipper! Skipper! Skipper! Rico! Kowalski! -I'm up here! Up here! -It's like I can still hear his little voice calling to us. You have to get out of there! Move! 'You have a great otter, there. Moo.' Why would he moo? - What are you asking me for? I'm not Private's little ghost. (clang) Uh-oh. -(whirring) -No! Are you ready?! -(crowd cheering) -Yeah! Yay...! (laughs) Your new... and improved... penguins! CROWD (chanting): Penguins! Penguins! (chanting continues) (chanting stops) Wha...? (hissing) Oh, the people love you. Just go give them a hug. (garbled grunting) (crowd screaming) (garbled yelling) Don't let them touch you! (garbled grunting) (people screaming) Blah! (laughs) (garbled grunting) Oh, no. What's happening? Nobody likes you anymore? Well, the fun and games are just beginning. Watch this, penguins. Somebody call... the exterminators! (cell phones dialling) (engines revving) And when the exterminators take you away, you never come back. (engines revving) (whistle blows) (garbled grunting) (screams) (both scream) (panting) Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. What do I do? What do I do? Crikey! (octopi burbling) (gasps) Come on, then. You want to go? You want some argy-bargy? (yelling) (octopi burbling) (whooping) Yee-haw! -(crash) -Ow. (horns honking) - Uh-oh, missed one. (laughs) What a wonderful day in the park. Skipper! (garbled grunting) (cat yowls) Wait! Hold on! What are you doing?! Skipper! (garbled): Huh? - (gasps) Don't eat that! (screams) Skipper, listen. It's me, Private. I've got a plan, but I need your help. I need my Skipper. (wind whistling softly) (garbled): Huh? (garbled): Private? - Yes. That's it. (normal voice): Private, you're alive! (laughing) Oh, God! (laughing) (retches) (yowls) -(laughs) -Oh! (hissing) -Kowalski! -(garbled): Huh? -You've got to get a grip! -(hissing) -(gasps) Kowalski, Eva is worried about you. (normal voice): She is? Wh-What did she say? Did she say my name specifically? I mean, were there... were there tears? Details, come on, tell me! Private! You're alive. Come here. This feels a little awkward, but I'm happy. (garbled grunting) SKIPPER: Rico! You need to listen to us. -(burps) I guess you're kind of the same either way. (garbled): Private! -(sighs) -Heads up! DAVE: Whee-hee! Looks like we're back in business, boys. And our business is saving penguin-kind. Who's with me? -Count me in. -(Rico gurgles) -Let's do this! -Hoo-hah! -Yeah! -Let's create and feel momentum. Sir, how long do we stand here like this? Until we've reached maximum coolness. There it is. Now all we need is a plan. -I've got one. -Eh? Uh, huh? (chuckles): You stole Dave's ray? Well, I figured if we could reverse the ray, we could turn everyone back to normal. -Reverse the ray? -That's brilliant! -(grunting) But... it's impossible! In order to reverse the ray, we would need to replace the Medusa Serum with a power source of almost immeasurable cuteness. Immeasurable cuteness? Where the heck are we supposed to get that? (soft gasp) No, wait. Private, no! We don't know what that will do to you! Aah! (whirring, zapping) All right! The ray! It works! It works! - Private! Are you okay? Yes! -Yah! -Whoa-oh! Butt-hand! There's a hand attached to his butt. That was not... that was not there before. Get out of there! That's an order! -Permission to defy order. -Permission denied! Then I deny your denial. -It's too risky, Private. It already made you sprout a butt-hand! I know it has to be me this time. And I think you know it, too. (whirring, zapping) I'm the secret weapon. we find life. I'm happy... and yet... now that I have my revenge, I feel... empty, as if what I needed all along was... more revenge! In fact-- Robin, write this down-- tomorrow we move on to kittens! Then puppies, bunnies, pandas... (gasps) Charlize, they're on the ray! Helen, hunt them down! William, hurt them. Halle, bury them! Hugh, Jack, man the battle stations! Kevin, bake on! We're still gonna need that victory cake! (excited burbling) We're only gonna get one shot at this, boys! How we doing on those snow globes? -(Rico retches) -Beam splitter ready! Fire at will! (burbling) Do it, Skipper! (Dave gasps) (all gasp) (click) (click) (clicking) (beeping) Dead batteries?! - (gasps) Game over, Skipper! Ha-ha! - (burbling) No! Rico, batteries! Skipper! Kowalski! Hold off those octopi! We're doing this now! You heard Private! Deploy! (burbling) (Skipper yelling) (thumping, grunting) (electronic chime) -(raspy panting) (low gasp) Get back, you aquatic savages! PRIVATE: Behind you! Beside you! Six o'clock! Twelve o'clock! Hmm... (mumbling) (sighs) PRIVATE: They're coming from every direction! - There's just too many of them! (ice cream truck music playing) (burbling) (EPIC ACTION MUSIC) (explosion) (EPIC MUSIC CONTINUES) Whoa. You came back! (burbling) SHORT FUSE: Oh... that's why you look back at the explosion. (squealing) (grunts) (burbling yell) RICO: # I can dream, eh, eh... # (crunches Dibble) (yells) -(grunting) -Fallback positions! Stay away from Private! (burbles) -(grunting) -(burbling) -Suck it up, Kowalski. -Whoa, whoa. Aha! (grunts, gasps) No! It's over, Skipper. Over? That's weird. Then why is Rico throwing me a fresh pair of double-A's? (retches) (grunts) (screeches) No! The remote! (Skipper yelling) (gasps) (Dave yells) (gasps) - Rico! Dibble me! (retches) (distorted bang) -(soft whistling) -(amplified heartbeat) (whoosh) -(soft whistling) -(amplified heartbeat) (maniacal laughter) Hi-yah! (distorted crunch) (whooshing) (distorted ricochet) (distorted grunt) (distorted zipping) (zapping) (excited chatter) It worked! (gasps) Private! -SKIPPER: Excuse me. Emergency. -(Rico growls) -Coming through. -KOWALSKI: Sorry about the foot. -Make a hole! Make a hole! (Private yells) Don't worry, uh... a-a chrysalis is just forming around you. That's perfectly normal. (loud grunt) -Private. -(Rico whimpering) (crackling) -Huh? -Huh? -Wha...? -Huh? -(gasps) (crackling continues) (gasping, disgusted groans) Private? Oh. (giggles) Oh! Look at that! Majestic. Hello. -(laughing) -Private! -Oh! Hey! -What's wrong? What are you... -Look out for the... -Whoa, now. -Have I got something... -Okay, looking up. -Cover your eyes. -Is there a... thing? -Don't turn your head. So... (light chuckle) how do I look? You're hideously disfigured and will probably be hunted for sport. Wh-Wha...? What? If there's anything we've learned from this delightful adventure-- Kowalski-- it's that looks don't matter. It's what you do that counts. And look at what you did. (happy chatter) Yes, sir... you are the most meaningful and valued member of this team. (laughing) -Way to go, Private! -Attaboy! Nicely done. (whoops) Way to go, Private! You did it! We're so proud of you! -You saved us! -We love you, Private! -Yeah, we love you! -You the penguin! -(rumbling footsteps) -(gasping) (rumbling footsteps) (gasping) (chirps): Huh? (rumbling continues) (OMINOUS MUSIC) Ramirez! -Dave. -Dave! (maniacal laughing) (thud) What? Are you kidding me?! (TYRES SCREECH) -(Dave groans) -Dave. Oh-ho, look at you. - You think this is over? I'm just getting started. I'm about to... What do we do with him now? GIRL: Aw... DAVE: Open this right now! Here you go, kid. (gasps) (distorted): Cool! I hope you find happiness, Dave. It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! It's snowing! -(Dave grunting frantically) -It's snowing! It's snowing... Right, now, then... uh, um, this is difficult for me to say. Is it 'osteoporosis'? You just got to lean into the vowel. Os-teo... -poro... -No! No. I want to say... you four are the bravest agents I've ever known. The point is... I was wrong about you, and I hope... there's some way I can make it right. -Give us jet packs. -We should kiss. -Whoa. Uh... (clears throat) Did... did you just say... (smooching) -(gasps) -(retches) Well, that feels right! I think I'd actually prefer a jet pack, please. Ooh. I think we should go with Private's idea. Mm. -(whooshing) -(whooping, laughing) -Yeah! Kowalski! What's our trajectory? -95% certain this will end in massive... flaming disaster! -And the other five percent? -Irrelevant, sir! Jet packs are awesome! SKIPPER: Agreed! (whooping, laughing) (whooping, laughter, shouting) (laughter) Who says penguins can't fly? (laughter, whooping) -(loud boom) -SKIPPER: Hoo-yah! www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2017 PRIVATE: Um, Skipper, we are going to turn me back to normal, right? SKIPPER: Absolutely. First thing Monday. Whee! I'm in a rocket ship! I want to push the button. -Give me that! -Hey! Stealer! Let's do this! I'm ready! - Okay, on three. One, three, go. Ow! I'm just gonna do a little practise push. Aah! Okay, I'm not going to press it. Why are you smacking my hand? Hey, look over there! -(zapping) -I'm a laser show. Julien! (groans, grunts) -Hey! -Now, that's the Private we know and love. High one! Immeasurable cuteness, right there! -Good to be back. I feel like a French fry! Whoa! I'm okay! And with cuteness to spare! Come on! Frosty mugs of herring juice all around! -SKIPPER: Private's buying. -PRIVATE: What? You know, if I'm being honest, I expected a little more... pizzazz! (yells) -(muffled laugh) Yes! Now, that's pizzazz! -(giggles) (ENERGETIC MUSIC)