www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 Cut his ass. # Let's go! # (PANTING) Heads up! (GROANING) Hey, Coach. How you been? (CHUCKLES) Lynn Swann. Why aren't I surprised to see you snooping around my football field? You have a good-looking team, maybe good enough for a national championship trophy. Kind of like my old man told me one time, the only thing better than a crawfish dinner is five crawfish dinners. Here comes the shithead. (STUTTERS) It's clean. It's cold. That's what I call high-quality H2O. Oh! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) Hit him right in the head. It's over there! Any unused magic in that legendary green play book of yours? I may have a couple squirreled away in there for... a rainy day. Let's see what we got here. Not exactly what I'd call constructive criticism. Smelt like you could use a shower. Think what y-you want about my personal hygiene but please don't waste water, that's bad policy. If you need to amuse yourself at my expense, rough me up or something. Fair enough. OK! OK! (SIGHS) I can't get myself free. Laski?! Get over here. Laski?! Get over here. Yes, sir, Coach. What is that moron doing here? Didn't I tell you as plain as I could speak to get rid of his ass? Didn't I tell you as plain as I could speak to get rid of his ass? I didn't think you were serious. He does a great job. He does a great job. Disrupting my football team, you idiot! Eighteen years of this is enough! Hey, Waterboy! Yes, Mr Coach Beaulieu? You're fired! OK. # "Born On The Bayou" - Creedence Clearwater Revival Get out of the way, you moron! # When I was just a little boy # Standin' to my daddy's knee # My poppa said "Son, don't let the man get you" # "And do what he done to me" # Born on a bayou Oh. # Born on a ba-a-ayou... # Bobby Boucher, come give your mama a kiss. Hi, Steve. Hi, Steve. (BRAYS) Why are you home so early, my precious angel? Mama, s-something bad happened today. Somebody hurt you, my boy? You tell Mama who hurt you! Nobody, Mama. I lost my position as the team's water distribution engineer. Why, that's the best news I've heard in a dog's age. Now you can spend your days at home where you belong. Now you can spend your days at home where you belong. Yes, but... ..I-I-I was thinking, Mama, maybe I could try to get another waterboy job for a different team. Don't you raise your voice to me. I wasn't raising my voice, Mama. I don't like confrontations. I'm a Virgo. Who told you you was a Virgo? Vicki Vallencourt, that-that girl. A girl? Bobby Boucher, don't you remember what your mama told you about girls? I remember, Mama. There was someone else at Lawson's Creek this morning. Really? We looked for crawfish. Her name's Vicki. I don't want you associating with girls. Why not, Mama? Because little girls are the devil! It's just that I'm a waterboy. I bring the team the water. I likes to be the one that brings it to them. And they like to give you a boot in the patoot. Bobby, you don't have what they call the social skills. People don't understand you, that's why you never have any friends. "Next Friday, August 29th, at Baton Rouge Exhibition Center "I'll open up a can of whoop-ass on Herculon. "I'll drive him back to whatever galaxy he came from." "Strong words from a strong man. Captain Insano." "Let's take a call. It's our friend from Jackson's Bayou, Mr B." Hello, Jim, is it possible to speak to Captain Insano? "Shoot, Mr B." I noticed sometimes when you are wrestling or opening up a can of whoop-ass, you seem to be sweating profusely. "Yeah?" I wondered if you might need the services of an experienced waterboy? "(CHUCKLES) That's pretty cute." "How old are you, kid? 11? 12?" I'm 31 years old. "(BOTH LAUGH)" "(LAUGHTER)" "I guarantee that guy's still a virgin." "(LAUGHS)" # "Always On The Run" - Lenny Kravitz # My mama said # That your life is a gift # And my mama said # There's much weight you'll lift # And my mama said # Leave those bad boys alone # And my mama said... # This is where they strip the ball from us and we miss one tackle. Two tackles. He drops the ball. Whoops! He has time to pick it up and dust it off and run in for touchdown before our guys know what's going on. (SIGHS) (QUIETLY) Hey. Hello. My name is Bobby Boucher and I am inquiring as to whether you need an experienced waterboy. Nice suit. Thank you. I-I-It was my daddy's. Hold that thought. Yeah. Ss-ss-ssh! Come on. Come here. Come here. Come on, everybody. Alright, this is the play. This is the play. This is the play. OK. Quarterback. Two receivers, left. One, right. There's a flanker to the left. OK. He... No, the receiver goes all the way over to the left. Once the quarterback has the ball he fakes to the left. No, he fakes to the right. He doesn't fake. He...? He...? He pretends to fake. I don't know where I am. I can't breathe. Oh, this room is getting smaller. I have to sit down. Hang on. Here, take some water. Alright, there. This is good. It's much better than what I serve. That is the water that you serve to your players? Uh-huh. It is imperative that you allow me to be your waterboy. It is imperative that you allow me to be your waterboy. I can't hire anybody. We're the poorest football team... We're the poorest football team... I will do it for free. Just promise me never to distribute the contents of that jug. That's a deal. It's a deal? Thank you so much, Coach Klein. I will not let you down. Good day. Good day. I'll see you at practice. # "Boom Boom" - Big Head Todd & The Monsters # Boom, boom, boom, boom # Bang, bang, bang, bang # Boom, boom, boom, boom # Bang, bang, bang, bang # Hey, yeah... # Quit hogging that. Pass it over. Co' Leiny! Co' Leiny! So'y me so la'e, me tuk doggie ou'. Me tuk doggy ou'. OK. Just have the defence run sprints. I get righ' onit, Co' Leiny. Me get righ' onit. (BLOWS WHISTLE) Liddo fez! Co' Leiny hacka meata habba yofezza boonkula mabey. Yo! Water's better cold. Yes, I agree. To guarantee the H2O i-is purified, i-it's good to use a heating source. It's like my mama says, "Better safe than s-sorry." My mama says that too. Aren't all mamas the same? Yes. Derek. I kick the field goals around here. Will you listen up? I need your cooperation, I need it now. Is he going to be alright? Is he going to be alright? Yeah, he has good days and bad days. He used to coach at some big football school but he had a mental breakdown. Don't worry, he'll snap out of it. Let me know when it cools down. Yes. Alright. Hey, did you-all get a load of the new waterboy? Let's make him feel right at home. Jerry, go right. Casey, go left. Way left. On one. Ready? Set! Red, 22. Red, 22! Hut! (LAUGHTER) I-I think you zigged when you should have zagged. Sorry. Hey, Waterboy, check this out. (LAUGHTER) Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... Hey, Waterboy! Check this out. (LAUGHS) (GROWLS) Well, my, my, my! Was my aquatic engineer about to bash one of my players? But he sp-spit in the c-c-cooler. He happens to be a finely-tuned athlete. I ain't gonna have him hit in the head by some idiot waterboy. Do you understand me?! Are you alright? Are you alright? I wasn't going to do nothing. You got to do something to defend yourself. But th-they're finely-tuned athletes. I am not telling you to go on a shooting rampage. Stand up for yourself or they'll ride you all season. Believe me, I've seen it. Hey, moron! Hey, moron! Duhhhh! L-Look at me, I'm the w-w-waterboy. Duhhh! I've got a wooden spoon. Duhhh! You could use a shower, stinky. You're fired! Ha-ha! "(LAUGHTER)" Stop making fun of me. Red, 30! Wow! Damn! Damn! De skiddly o'doat! I'm sorry. (GROANS) Who that? Who there? That's what opening a can of whoop-ass feels like. Son, you just opened up a whole case of whoop-ass. I'd be honoured if you'd play football for my team. Me? Play football? Me? Play football? Yes. Thanks, but Mama wouldn't let me play no football. Thanks, but Mama wouldn't let me play no football. We're gonna go home, you and I, we're gonna talk to Mama. Mama said... Mama said... Mama said... Mama said... Mama said... Mama said... Mama said... She's going to say "yes". (THE CHARLIE DANIEL'S BAND'S 'THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA') (BUZZING / SIZZLING) Mmm, that snake looks delicious. What part do you think I'm about to eat? Basically, a snake don't have parts. But if I had to call it anything, I would say it's his knee. Great(!) His knee? And what are we having for dessert? (BUZZING / SIZZLING) Squirrel. Excellent. Let's talk about Bobby playing football. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. My boy is too delicate to play foosball with them gargantuans. I don't think you understand - I don't think you understand - No, you don't understand me. My boy is all I got left. Ow! Here. It's the brain pain, Coach. You see, my husband Robert, one day back in 1966, pick up sticks, and me four months pregnant, he decides he wants to go and help foreign peoples, joins the Peace Corps. He promised me everything would be OK, like you're promising me now. But everything wasn't OK. He got lost in the middle of the Sahara desert. And he died. He died! He couldn't get no water. He died of dehydration. We were left all alone. We were left all alone. I would've got him some water but I was in Mama's tummy. He's the only part of Robert I have left. But don't you want that part to get a college education? Nah. Me, a college student? Yes. Think about it, a whole new world will open to you. Boy, that sounds nice. Me, a college man. Coach, my Bobby's a sweet boy, but he ain't exactly college material. So don't go filling his simple head with dreams of schools and college. But I'm tired of people calling me a dummy, I'm tired of not having any friends. My ass is tired of sitting. I'm going to bed. Nice to meet you, Mr Coach. Good luck with the foosball. After you let Mr Coach out, come into my bedroom, Mama will brush your hair. When I was your age, my mother told me not to get a tattoo of Roy Orbison. But what Mama don't know, won't hurt her. I trust you'll make the right decision. Everybody's gonna laugh at us. Everybody's already laughing at us. We ain't won a game since 1994. # Sooner or later... # Hey, what's up, baby? Where's your helmet? They don't got no more helmets. Here, you can share mine. Try it on, man, see if it fits. Alright. Alright. Thanks, friend. What a dick. (WHISTLE) (WHISTLE) Come on, huddle up! Alright, we have an announcement to make. Our waterboy, Bobby Boucher, will play linebacker. Oooh! I-I-I'm a f-f-f-football player. Duhhh! I'd like to tackle him now. I'd like to tackle him now. Not yet. I want to work with offence and defence. Special teams go with Farmer Fran. Special teams go with Farmer Fran. Shit! Yoogadwee, yogadwee, yaycopay... Line up on the ball. Alright? Third and ten. Third and ten? He doesn't understand. It's the offence's last opportunity to gain ten yards before they have to punt. Gee will run the option. Option? He ain't never gonna be able to figure it out. He ain't never gonna be able to figure it out. Yes, he is. You've waterboyed for 18 years, didn't you occasionally watch the game? Oh, no, I had a lot to keep me busy. Checking the pH levels, refilling the cups. Then, let's keep it simple. Casey. I want you to tackle Casey like you did Gee yesterday. Right now? Right now. Go. Does he know about this? Does he know about this? Doesn't matter, you're a warrior. Go. What you doing? Alright. Bobby? Don't be afraid to use all your strength. He's resilient, he's a resilient guy, OK? Hey, Casey, I think he want to make out wit' you! OK, that's enough. Thank you. Is there any sport that you do watch? A physical sport? Boxing? Hockey? Wrestling. Wrestling is good. Who's your favourite wrestler? Who's your favourite wrestler? Even though he was slightly discourteous to me, I have to say Captain Insano. I have to say Captain Insano. OK, I want you to do to Casey what Captain Insano does to the bad guy. Go. Oh, man, what was that? He poked my eye. Captain Insano shows no mercy. Bobby? Where was the intensity I saw yesterday? That wasn't intensity. You said I had to fight back and I thought about all the people who been mean to me. and I thought about all the people who been mean to me. That's it. That's it. I want you to think about all those mean people, they're going to be your... tackling fuel. Tackling fuel. We'll use them to play football. Tackling fuel. I want you to pretend that Casey is insulting you. Pretend? I want you to visualise all those mean people. Visualise and then attack. Can you handle that? I'll try. I'll try. He's gonna try. (SIGHS) What's the matter, you too st-stupid to do what your coach tells you? (LAUGHS) No! No what? Aaaaaaaah! I didn't mean to hurt you. Coach told me to pretend. Bobby, can you do this for me every single game? Can you do this? Not only will I do it for you, I-I-I... Y-Yes, I'll do it for you. Why'd you pick this class anyway? It's pretty hard. Oh,... beautiful view. Alright. Alright, alright. You-all shut up now! Last week, we talked about the physiology of the animal brain as it pertains to aggression. Is there anyone here who can tell me why most alligators are abnormally aggressive? I know the answer to this. I know the answer to this. Raise your hand. Anybody? Anyone? Yes, sir? Mama says alligators are ornery cos they got all them teeth but no toothbrush. cos they got all them teeth but no toothbrush. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) Your mama says alligators are ornery cos they got all them teeth and no toothbrush. Wow! Anybody else? Anybody else? Alligators have an enlarged medulla oblongata, the section of the brain that controls aggressive behaviour. Correct! The medulla oblongata. But Mama - The medulla oblongata... ..is where anger, jealousy and aggression come from. Is there anybody here can tell me where happiness comes from? No, no. No, no. Anyone? Alright, let's hear what Mama has to say on the subject. Happiness is from rays of sunshine that come down when you're feeling blue. (LAUGHTER) Well, folks, Mama's wrong again! No, Col Sanders, you're wrong. Mama's right. (LAUGHTER) You're all wrong! Mama's right! There's something wrong with his medulla oblongata. Erhhhhh! It's OK to fight back, Coach Klein said I could. It's fine, fellas. # "Peace Frog" - The Doors "It's time to kick off another year of Mud Dog football, with the weight of a 40-game losing streak on their back, everyone seems to be digging in for the long haul." # There's blood in the streets # It's up to my ankles # There's blood in the streets It's up to my knees # There's blood in the street The town of Chicago... # What you doing, Bobby? That's some armpit saturation! It's a sign of dehydration. Have some H2O, please. Have some H2O, please. Stop worrying about water and start worrying about the game. Here. Now, just do whatever you did to Colonel Sanders and you'll be fine. I will. Thank you. I-I-I feel bad about lying to my mama. I wonder what she's doing? (BRAYS) "And he's down with a three-yard kick-off return." You can do it. Gain some yards. Put some points on the board. I bet you 50 bucks Gee throws a touchdown pass on the first play. Check it out. Set! Blue, 22! Hut! (SHOUTING / CHEERING) (LAUGHS) You owe me 50 bucks. You said it was gonna be a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole. Hold 'em, hold 'em, hold 'em. You can do it, come on. This is just like we practised, OK? Go, go, go! Watch where you're going, needle dick. Erhhh! (WHISTLE) Set. Green, 90. Time for the retard to find out what college football is all about. Green, 90. Check. Check. Red, 18. Needle dick! Needle dick! Erhhhhh! Yeah! Your name is "needle dick". I knew this was a good idea. # "Block Rockin' Beats" - The Chemical Brothers Erhhhhh! Erhhh! Erhhhhh! Erhhh! Erhhhhh! Erhhhhh! Yes! Time-out from the game. Time-out from the game. What's he calling time-out for? What's he doing? Here, this is for you. Enjoy. 'Waterboy!' Stop it! Stop it! 'You're fired!' Yes, Bobby! Whoa! Whoa! Alright! Yeah, man! Slap hands! Slap hands! Whatever. Waterboy's killing 'em! Best tackler I've ever seen since Joe Montana! Joe Montana was a quarterback, you idiot. I said Joe Montegna. "We're tied with 30 seconds to go in the 4th quarter." Cover two, cover two. Ready? Best of luck to you. I play with your mama tonight. Sixty-two. Hut! "Looks like a screen pass." Sixty-two? Sixty-two? There you are. (ALL) No! "Number sixty-two's heading for the end zone." "He's at the 40, the 30, 20." "Touchdown!" Errrhhhhhh! Errrhhhhhh! "He's drop-kicked him." "Boucher knocked him out cold" I love my m-mama very much. Now you know that. (SOBS) "The Waterboy hands them the game." "What an idiot." "What an idiot." Waterboy, you stink! Nice job, shithead. You just lost us the game. I'm sorry. Would you please still be my friend? No! Get away from me. OK. 1 Excuse me, may I help you? Hey, stud. Vicki Vallencourt, th-this is a pleasant surprise. I just got out of jail and I heard you were playing football. Yes, well, I-I-I... We li'e a-play ana'day. We li'e a-play ana'day. Yes. Ni'e a mee' ya. What say we go and get something to eat? Oh, er,... Mama's not a big fan of-of restaurants or of-of m-me going to one. But i-if you'd like, sometimes Mama, she got that... that... On a Sunday afternoon, there's a-a-a-a grill with the charcoal b-b-biscuits. A barbecue? Y-Yes, that's it. Sounds great. And by the way, I hope you like what I did to your ol' lawnmower. (BRAYING) You know that old hag that does the astrology on Good Morning America? She should quit. For Sagittarius she goes, "You'll be faced with a difficult decision today." Thing is, we're all faced with difficult decisions every day. By leaving her predictions v-vague, there's less chance someone will find out she's a phoney. there's less chance someone will find out she's a phoney. Whatever, college boy. (Don't say "college boy", here comes Mama.) That looks nice, Mama. Here you go, Vicki Vallencourt. Thank you. Mama, Vicki is an astrologist. I don't believe in it. Astronomy is one of devil's tools. You sure played great yesterday. What did my boy play great? What did my boy play great? Er, um,... waterboy. Yeah, waterboy, he played waterboy great. Everybody who was thirsty got a drink right away, yesterday, at the football game. A bunch of monsters manhandling each other. Remember that man wanted you to play foosball? Remember that man wanted you to play foosball? Yeah, he... Roy Orbison came... Coach Klein, I-I-I remember. Did they catch that gorilla what escaped and punched you in the eye? Did they catch that gorilla what escaped and punched you in the eye? No, Mama, he... The search continues. What would you think if Bobby did play football, Mrs Boucher? I wouldn't think much of it at all. And I don't think much of you and all your snotty questions, Miss Vallencourt. I'm quite disturbed to see you're interested in my boy. I'm quite disturbed to see you're interested in my boy. Oh, I'm very interested in your boy. Really? Hmm. Did he tell you how much his feet smell? Mama. He has to wear two socks. He has to wear two socks. Well, men are supposed to have stinky feet. Are men supposed to wear pyjamas with Deputy Dawg on them? Mama, please. You know what? I happen to find Deputy Dawg to be very,... very... sexy. Did he tell you about his bedtime problem? Mama, don't. That's his sheet back there. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go hang myself. Now you see what you done? What I did?! Listen, the only woman in my boy's life is me. Nobody's going to take him away, especially not some Jezebel. Nobody's going to take him away, especially not some Jezebel. Well, your Bobby is a grown man and he can hang out with whoever he wants! Whoever he wants, except you! That woman is the devil, I want you to stay away from her. Yes, Mama. Yes, Mama. Come on inside before that witch casts a spell on you. I'm sorry, Vicki Vallencourt. # "Feed It" - The Candyskins Whatever. # You want it, you've got it # You feed it, you love it # You say that you need it... # "When we report on the Mud Dogs it's usually to add another number to their losing streak, which stands at 41." "Bobby Boucher has given us another reason." "The amazing 31-year-old freshman set a new NCAA record by sacking the quarterback 16 times, shattering the old record of 7." "Bobby Boucher is also the team's waterboy which begs the question, 'What are they putting in the water in Jackson's Bayou, Louisiana?'" # There is a house in New Orleans # They call the rising sun # "We're deadlocked at three with a minute to go." "We're deadlocked at three with a minute to go." We are one family with one dream. There are four of you, Bobby can't do this by himself. Now make something happen! Sacrifice your bodies. Go! You'll have to do this by yourself cos nobody on this team is any good. I can't stand losing any more. We've got to win one game. Can you make something happen? Visualise an attack. Yes, yes, yes! Please! Please! "Kentucky's down to their third-string quarterback." "Good news, Tommy Gardener does not have a broken neck." Blue, 52. Blue, 52. I forbid you to talk to that enchantress, she's the devil! She's not the devil. She's a beautiful woman. I never said she was the devil! I never said she was the devil! She's beautiful! Please, don't hurt me. I want to kill him! You're crazy, man. "It's a safety. They win! They win!" "With Boucher, the losing streak is over." I'm so sorry, Mama. Please, forgive me. I love you so much, Mama. I love you. I love you too. We won! There'll be a big party and you're going! Me? Party? Me? Party? Yeah, baby! (CHANTING) Bobby! Bobby! Bobby! # Let's groove tonight # Share the spice of life # Baby, spice of life Hey, nice suit. Thank you. It was my daddy's. Mama don't know I'm here, but I brought these. Louisiana frog cakes. Thanks. Come on in. Come on in. < Hey, Bobby Boucher! Look who's here, Sergeant Stutter. You want a beer? Scotch and water, hold the Scotch. You just make a joke, Bobby? Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Ha-ha-ha. Good one. Now that you've finally won a game, the pressure is off. That will lead to more victories. That and the Waterboy getting 20 sacks a game. That and the Waterboy getting 20 sacks a game. That too. Professor. (GASPS) Are we having a test on amphibians and reptiles? Are we having a test on amphibians and reptiles? Yes, sir. That is, if it's alright with you? Of course it is. Of course it is. My best regards to your dear mama. Let's talk to the Waterboy. You played amazing today. You are so cute. Is there a girl you're seeing? Seeing? I-I-I see a lot of girls. I see a lot of guys too. I think that's sexy. Ever been with a guy and a girl at the same time? Ever been with a guy and a girl at the same time? Oh, yeah, plenty of times. I was with Mama and Coach Klein at the same time. You are a bad boy. I wish you were my boyfriend. Oh, thank you. There's a girl, Vicki Vallencourt. Mama says she's the devil. I'm prohibited from contact with her but I hope to get past that one day cos she's nice to talk to. Thiaz a'e deli'iou'. Thiaz a'e deli'iou'. Ho'd dat f'me. Go dance. # "Doin' My Thang" - Lifelong featuring Incident (CHEERING) # Hit me and break me off # Baby, let me play the clothes and they'll take me off # Cos I'm a chicken I just dived from across the stand # I'm much more than your waterboy or average fan # You ask me why, perfect practice makes perfect game... (CHEERING) Errhhhhh! # Sit-ups and pull-ups # 92 octane, premium fill-up # I'm doing my thang for much more than the fame # I'm doing my thang... # I'm doing my thang for much more than the fame # Gentlemen, we have a very special guest here today. Let's have a warm LT welcome for Bobby Boucher. Come on, Bobby. Thank you, Mr Lawrence Taylor. How do you find yourself in the right position all the time? How do you find yourself in the right position all the time? Th-That's a good question. W-W-What happens is the centre has the ball and a quarterback says "Hike". The centre puts the ball into the quarterback's hands, so I start tackling the quarterback, unless he gives the ball to somebody else, in which case I tackle that person. Hmm. Gentlemen, that brings me to my next point - don't smoke crack. Vicki Vallencourt? What you doing here? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about stealing LT's Porsche over there. I ought to move on before you get in trouble with your mama. Well, Mr Coach Klein said that what Mama don't know won't hurt her. So, maybe... ..we could ride home together. Really? If you'd like to. If you'd like to. OK. # "Hooch" - Everything # Who got the hooch? # Who got the hooch? # Baby # Who got the only sweetest thing in the world? # Who got the hooch? # Baby (SNORES) # Who got the only sweetest thing in the world? # Who got the lo-o-ove? # Who got the friendship? # Who got the only sweetest thing in the world? # # Who got the only sweetest thing in the world? # (BRAYS) You can sit down, if you'd like. Vicki Vallencourt, I figured cos you're interested in astrology and mystical stuff, y-y-you might appreciate this. That's water from a glacier in Alaska. It was blessed by an Eskimo medicine man. It's cold. It's cold. Yes, it's always cold. That's why it's so special. That was... Th-Th-That happened... Th-That happened to be m-my first t-time with the lips and the... and the... and the... and the... the tongue Th-That was y-your tongue, I-I believe. It was... I never did that before. That was your first kiss. I bet it's the first time you've seen a pair of these. Yes, yes. That is another first for me and I appreciate wh-what you're showing me right now. V-Vicki Vallencourt, I think Mama's up. (SNORES) The devil. The devil. The devil. You better get going. (SIGHS) God, Bobby, sometimes I don't know why I bother with you. You ain't even a man. "It looks like the SCLSU Mud Dogs, led by linebacker, Bobby Boucher, are going to fall one victory short of that Bourbon Bowl bid." Iowa could win by nailing this 20-yard field goal. The Mud Dogs have played a sensational game. Look at the way Boucher entered the Hawkeye's last drive. We see Boucher instantly penetrating the pocket. Erhhhhh! There's a lot of pain and shame in those eyes. It's all over. My leg! > My leg! > Wow. That is a disturbing image. Difficult to watch, Chris. Whoa! Mud Dogs! Gonna kick some names and take some ass! Bobby? Water sucks! Gatorade is better. What? Use it on the field. (CHEERING) Gatorade not only quenches your thirst better, it tastes better too, idiot. Y-You're drinking the wrong water. Ga-a-atora-a-ade. H2O. Ga-a-atora-a-ade. H2O! # Water sucks It really, really sucks # Water sucks... # # Water sucks... # Stop saying that. You're bad people. Erhhhhh! And, my friend Chris, Mud Dogs are going to the Bourbon Bowl! And I started feeling really sick. My name is Justin, and this is my twin brother, Tristan. but I thought I could sleep it off. My name is Justin, and this is my twin brother, Tristan. Last year I almost died. SIREN WAILS I had open-heart surgery. They say he had rheumatic fever. It happened so fast. Only the Sunday, we were at church. Only the Sunday, we were at church. And I started feeling really sick. I felt sick the night before, but I thought I could sleep it off. I thought you were just being soft because of rugby that morning. Ow. I thought I played really good, even though I had rheumatic fever. If we got it checked earlier, he wouldn't have this. If we got it checked earlier, he wouldn't have this. And it started with a sore throat. Sore throats can lead to rheumatic fever and heart damage. If your child has a sore throat, call Healthline on 0800 611 116 for advice. 1 "With yesterday's victory, Mud Dogs earned a date with Red Beaulieu's Louisiana Cougars in the Bourbon Bowl." "The Waterboy has changed SCSLU's fortunes and has other teams looking for talent." "Yesterday, Michigan, devastated by injury, experimented with their towel boy in wide receiver, but he ran into a laundry list of problems." (CHEERING) Bri'em on, Co' Leiny. (CHEERING) When I see so many of you here tonight it reminds me just about how special this season really was. Not just for the team, not just for the students, but for each and every one of you in our small corner of Louisiana. You can do it! Oh, yes, we can! And, yes, we will. Because we've got a young man who has been so vital for our success. A wonderful student athlete. And a wonderful friend. Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Boucher! (CHEERING) (BOTH) Waterboy, number one! You can do it! You can do it! (CHEERING) Thank you so much... for being my friends. You can do it! I'd also like to take this opportunity to tell you my mama don't know I play football. So if you could not tell my mama that would be for the best. (CHEERING) (HORN BLARES) Da bu'... We must be a little lost. We're trying to get to the Bourbon Bowl. Looks like we ended up in Retardville, USA. Hey, Waterboy, you fixing to tackle all of us? Kick his water-loving ass. I asked you a question, dumb ass. You even exhale and I will saw your head off. You can do it! Hold it. Just a minute. What is the problem here? Whatever it is, we don't want to get physical. Right, Klein? Your team's acting like a bunch of shitheads. This is not how ambassadors of our university should act. Get back on the bus. However, assault with a deadly weapon is a very, very serious offence. Officer? Get her little country ass out of here. Thank you, Vicki. Thank you, Vicki. Let's go. Ah! It's the Waterboy. I got something for you. This is his transcript from South Lafayette High School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana. The problem with that is there ain't no South Lafayette High School in Cherokee Plains, Louisiana. So, obviously, this is a fake! (GASPING) (GASPING) However, this is not a fake. This is from the NCAA. They don't think you ought to play football no more. So allow me to say this to you one more time. You're fired. Oh, no! We suck again! Ever see a championship ring? Don't be messin' with the champ. You didn't go to high school? I was home-schooled. I didn't know... You faked a transcript? No, I... didn't. The Waterboy's a cheater! Cut his head off! Listen, everybody, this don't change nothing. We played as a team, we won as a team. Just cos Waterboy's a cheater don't change the fact that the Mud Dogs are gonna kick some Cougar ass. Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! (CHANTING) Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Mud Dogs! Let's do it! (CHEERING) # "Lonely Boy" - Andrew Gold Sorry, Bobby. # Oh, what a lonely boy # Believe me, I understand. And you're deeply appreciated, Mr Dodd. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. Good news. The NCAA will allow to you play in the Bourbon Bowl. You just have to pass the high-school equivalency test. You just have to pass the high-school equivalency test. It's not the test, Coach. Everybody... hates me. That's not true. One man said he wanted to decapitate me and nobody else thought that would be a bad idea. Somebody made me look like a cheater. I did it. I did it. I did it! I did it, I did it. It was me. It was me. Why? Because I wanted you to play. Because you were my way out, it was the only way to get you in. I am so sorry. Why didn't you stick up for me? The truth is... I fled. I came into my office, I went under my desk, I cried. I cried like a ten-year-old girl! You know, Red and I have a history. We were assistants to Coach Cavanaugh at Louisiana University. Red ran the practices and I used to come up with the plays. Oh, boy, was I good. 'I would write foolproof plays in my little green notebook.' 'The opposition didn't know what hit 'em.' 'When Coach Cavanaugh was gonna retire, me and Red knew one of us would be his successor.' Hey, Red. Hey, Red. How you doing? Come by to wish me luck? Come by to wish me luck? Not exactly, no. Actually, I come by to get you to do ol' Red a little favour. Sure. What's up? Sure. What's up? You know that green notebook you use to write all them plays in? I need to show Cavanaugh I can come up with good play ideas. But you didn't come up with them. They're my plays. I need them. Klein, I'm gonna have this book, one way or another. You might as well let it go cos if you don't, it's going to get awfully physical. And you don't want that, do you? Huh? Of course, Red got the job. Next day, fired me. Once he had my notebook, he didn't need me any more. I didn't take it very well. No, Grandma, I didn't get it. I can't believe it myself. I know. I'm so numb. I just hate him and I hate him, I hate him. That is a terrible story, Coach. Why not come up with some new plays? I try. I can't. I have a mental block, since Red took my play book and my manhood. I knew what he was going to do. And I just didn't fight back. You're going to show him you're a man on Saturday. And I'm going to show everybody I'm not a dummy. I'm going to go study. Mama, maybe you could stop brushing my hair so I can read? Read? You never used to read. What you reading for? What you reading for? Cos I enjoys it, Mama. Don't look like you enjoys it, sitting there all grouchy. I have to read this book tonight or else I can't play foot... ..ball. Foosball! You playing the foosball behind my back? I'm doing it so I can go to school. School?! You going to school?! Ow! I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you. You off gallivanting with your fancy foosball friends at school while I sit here with nobody to keep me company except Steve! The chickens are coming home! You'll reap the fruit of your selfish ways! You'll lose your foosball games and fail your exam because school is - The devil? Everything is the devil to you, Mama. Well, I like school! And I like football and I'm going to do them both because they make me feel good! By the way, alligators are ornery because of their medulla oblongata! And I like Vicki and she likes me back! She showed me her boobies and I like them too! 1 The Louisiana high school equivalency examination consists of 300 multiple-choice questions. You have three hours. Good luck to you, sir. # "Small Town" - John Mellencamp # Well, I was born in a small town # And I live in a small town # I could die in a small town # Oh, a small... # Ben Franklin...? Mama, when did Ben Franklin invent electricity? That's nonsense! I invented electricity. Ben Franklin is the devil! I can't believe you got a 97. I can't believe I-I told Mama that I got feelings for you. Well, welcome to your manhood, Bobby Boucher. When we get more time I'll welcome you properly. Yes, but we should get going, I told the coach that I'd drive to the game with him. (SIREN) (SIREN) I was with you from two to four last night. You tell him. Bobby, your mama got sick this morning. She's in the hospital. Mama, what have I done? I'm so sorry. The doctors say they can't figure out what's wrong with her. But I know what's wrong. She got a broken heart because of me. Bobby, that's ridiculous. Everybody else in this town turned on me at the drop of a hat. Mama is the only one who cares if I live or die. She's my whole world. Please, just leave us alone. She'll be fine, Bobby. We better go. God knows what the team is doing with Farmer Fran. (LOUD ROCK MUSIC) # "New Year's Eve" - Joe Walsh # Everybody parties on New Year's Eve < Well, he made it look like home. How's that, Steve? (BRAYS) # Holding a glass of champagne # Everyone having fun # Trying to get out of their brain # Everybody parties on New Year's Eve # Party with the lights on... "Take a look, the crowd has never been bigger." Look who's on the television. The devil. # Everything's alright with me # Party on New Year's Eve # Tell me what you see # The peak of the holiday season # Everything's alright with me # Everything's alright with me Who that? Who there? # Bringing in a new year... # Three, two, one! Happy New Year! > Happy New Year, Mama. My resolution... ..is to never hurt you again. (SNORES) # "Auld Lang Syne" > < (CHANTING) (CHANTING) Waterboy! Waterboy! Waterboy! Waterboy! Waterboy! (CHEERING) Bobby Boucher, all these folks are here tonight to tell you that they're sorry for not supporting you when it meant the most. But you do have friends. One of them wants to say something. Come on. I am not what you would call a handsome man. The good Lord chose not to bless me with charm, athletic ability, or a fully-functional brain. You see, you're an inspiration to all of us who weren't born... handsome, and charming and cool. And... (SOBS) Sssh. It's OK. If your mama could only hear us right now, we would tell her... ..what a fine boy she raised and how much your playing football means to this town. But she can't hear you cos she's unconscious. I'm sorry to disappoint you all, but please k-keep your voices down so Mama can get her rest. (ALL SIGH) Well, wake her ass up! We gotta win tomorrow! (TANNOY) "Paging Dr Synell. Dr Synell, please report to the OR." Mama, thank God you're OK. I'm so sorry. I was so bad, Mama. You were right. I've been a knucklehead. Hush. You should've seen this a long time ago. Oh, my word. Is that my daddy? No, no. That's a guy I dated before I met your father. You could iron a shirt on his stomach. That was lust, not love. Turn the page. There's your daddy. So handsome. Read on. "Dear Helen,..." Who's Helen? Who's Helen? That's my first name, Bobby. Oh. "I have arrived here in New Orleans." "It is more beautiful than in the pictures." "I'll have no problem finding work, so expect my next letter "to contain lots of money. Your loving husband, Robert." That's nice, Mama. "Dear Helen,..." That's you. "I found a job as a lemonade vendor but, sorry, no money yet." "New Orleans is an expensive city, "expensive but fun. Hope all is well." "Robert." "To whom it may concern." "This will be my last letter." "We have grown apart over these last six weeks." "I now have two loves in my life, "big city living, "and a voodoo woman named Phyllis." "Ciao, Roberto." He changed his name to Roberto. I guess he thought it was more exotic. But Mama says that... You say that my... Bobby, your daddy didn't go into no Peace Corps. He deserted us, baby. No, no, Mama, you shouldn't dredge up these painful memories in your condition. Oh, hush. Your mama's as healthy as an ox, and as dumb as one to boot. I was so scared you'd abandon me too that I made you abandon those people who depend on you. I hid you away from the world, Bobby. But I can't hold you to myself no more cos everyone's seen how wonderful you are. Oh, Mama. Now. You go play foosball with your friends. "Welcome to the Bourbon Bowl." I'm Brent Musburger, my colleague is Dan Fouts. "The big story is has the game lost some of its lustre without its star player, the Waterboy, Boucher?" Red has some solid early rounders. Red has some solid early rounders. I wanted to scout that Waterboy, he reminds me of Greg Lloyd. No, he's like Thomas. Whatever. Is she ready? Is she ready? Oh, yeah, she's more than ready. Come on, Bobby! You're gonna miss the boat! Let's go, ladies. "We are under way." "The opening kick-off is a beauty." "And Holdsworth is gonna bring it out from nine yards deep." Come on. "They're showing no respect for this team." "They're showing no respect for this team." "For good reason." "109 yards, untouched." Touchdown, Cougars. They strike first. Time running down to the first quarter, Cougars lead 17-0. Set! Green, 33! (GROWLS) (GROWLS) Green, 33. Hut! "That quarterback can't even get the ball off." It's as if they're in the huddle. (CHUCKLING) Are you going to finish that hot dog? Urgh! Now I'm not. Mama, do you think we'll make it on time? Hang on, I'll show you what AJ's boys taught me. "The Cougars dominated that half." Let's hope the Mud Dogs can make some adjustments. They better, cos they suck. Anybody got an idea? Hey,... ..remember the time Bobby tackled the referee by mistake? That was pretty funny. How about when he tackled the guy from Louisville and threw him in the stands? Remember when he intercepted the ball and his pants fell off and he ran for the touchdown bare-assed? Remember da time Bobby Boucher wenna ren aller way weel he trehomah boodie hi-heav'n? Remember when Bobby showed up at half-time and we won the Bourbon Bowl? (CHEERING) Sorry about giving you so much shit this year. You're the heart and soul of this team. You're the only one of us who could pass that test. Thank you all so much for being my friends. Let's wait till later to hold hands and kiss, we got a game to win! (ALL) One, two, three. Mud Dogs! In a dramatic turn of events, Bobby Boucher arrived at half-time. arrived at half-time. And on a fan boat. "His mother drove him into the stadium." (CHEERING) (CHANTING) Waterboy! Waterboy! Waterboy! Waterboy! Waterboy! Waterboy! Foosball's not for the devil, it's for my Bobby. Time to open up some whoop-ass! Shit, he showed up. Alright, look, just relax, relax. Just do exactly like we planned. This could be the start of some high drama, or are the Mud Dogs too far behind? "Bobby Boucher is on defence." "Cougars are coming out for their 20-yard line." "The pitch? It's a reverse. Boucher is..." "Robideaux's got it! Touchdown!" "Mud Dogs!" (LAUGHS) Boucher knocked the poop out of him. Poop? Slap hands! Slap hands! Slap hands! I want you girls to sober up. Have faith in my Bobby. "The Mud Dogs are faced with yet another third and long." "Grimwald to pass. He's stuffed again, the Mud Dogs' offence is unable to move the ball." "But they still have a shot at winning." Blake, Blake, come here. Now, what if we.... Trust me. Go, go, go. (CHUCKLES) "The Cougars lead 27-7 in the middle of the 3rd quarter." "And he takes a knee?" (LAUGHS) How do you-all like my new offence? (ALL) Hut! "It's 2nd and 12 as the Cougars line up on the ball." Hut! Hut! (WHISTLE) What is Red doing? Refusing to play offence? It's bizarre. No, it's brilliant. Red is taking the Waterboy out of the game. "By kneeling down three times, he'll make the offence try to beat him and that's impossible." "The Mud Dogs' best player, "they call the Waterboy, is now powerless." "Coach Klein will have to find another way to out-fox Red." (WHISTLE) Mud Dogs call a time-out. Mr Coach Klein? Mr Coach Klein! Mr Coach Klein? Where are you going? Where are you going? I was just gonna get a hot pretzel. Are you afraid of Red Beaulieu? Oh, yeah! I am petrified of him. Why don't you pretend Red Beaulieu is someone you're not afraid of? Pretend? Yes. Visualise somebody you're not afraid of and then attack, like you told me. I'll try. Well, he's right over there. (LAUGHS) (GIGGLES) Oh, little baby. Yes. Hello, little baby. Ah, mo, mo, mo, mi, ah, mo, mo, mo. Ah, mo, mo, mi, ma, ma, ma. Pooh-pooh? Do you have a pooh-pooh? Y-esss. OK, now, this is what we're going to do... Come and get this one, Cougars. Red, 22! Hut! "Sack to Grimwald. A reverse!" "No, it's a double reverse." "What a block! Bugge springs free." "Trouble, lateral." "Got him! What a play!" "Grimwald at 15, 10, 5... Touchdown, Mud Dogs!" Well, Coach Klein has a few tricks up his sleeve after all. W-What the hell is this, huh? We go from a championship football team to a bunch of dogs. We'll go to our man on the sideline, Lynn Swann. What do you have for us? What do you have for us? I'm with Vicki Vallencourt who's taking over Bobby's water duties. I'm not taking over, I'm trying not to screw up too bad. What's your prediction for the rest of this game? Mud Dogs will win, 30-27. How'd you come up with that guess? How'd you come up with that guess? Guess? That's what it's gonna be. Be careful down there, Swanny. Alright. Meaney? Where's Meaney? Here, Coach. Get in there, let's see if the Waterboy can stop you. Red is sending his best defender in as a running back? What do you think? He's got to find some way to neutralise the Waterboy. He probably thinks Meaney will pound it in there. Hey, Waterboy! Is your girlfriend gonna save you? I'm going to take matters into my own hands. Your ass is mine. Whoooa! Whoooa! Whoooa! You sound like a big choo-choo train. Whoooa! Errrhhhhh! (CHEERING) Power bomb, compliments of Captain Insano. # Mud Dogs fight # With your might # Field goal. You go, go. Derek? Derek? I'm here. Visualise and attack. Go kick the ball. Hut! How you doing, boy? No, no, no! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! (WHIMPERS) (SHOUTING) What the hell was that? W-What the hell...? That ain't in here, huh? Hey! "Down by ten, Coach Klein opts for a field goal." "They have to hope for an onside kick and a touchdown to tie." "Boucher's in the game as a blocker." Last game of the year. Can't hold anything back now. Set! (CHEERING) "It's a fake!" "Boucher is out in front." "A great block!" "And a second one. Touchdown, Mud Dogs!" "Boucher led him all the way." Oh, yeah! "Red Beaulieu is steaming." "He sees his perfect season slipping away." "Cougars' lead is down to three." "Mud Dogs need the ball to get overtime." Bobby Boucher is now on the kick-off team. Last game of the year. Can't hold anything back now. Last game of the year. Can't hold anything back now. I know. Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? Oh, yeah, there's my bitch. "The ball must travel ten yards." "It's loose. Mud Dogs' football! Mud Dogs' football!" Alright! Alright! Mama, I got the football! Oh, that was a cheap shot! Nooo! "And what a dumb penalty." "That puts the Mud Dogs in field-goal range." "I'm not sure Boucher can get up." Oh, my baby! It's still cold. Excuse me. I really need to get by. (MUMBLING) "You hate to see this happen." Now, that's high-quality H2O. Whoa! You go on, now. Make it happen, Bobby! The Waterboy just needed water. Wow, you think that up by yourself? Wow, you think that up by yourself? Shut up, Brent. Are you OK? Are you OK? They opened up a can of whoop-ass. I have an idea for the last play, you haven't done this before. The offence lines up like this, you'll be here. "There'll be no tie here today, "Coach Klein is sending his offence on the field." He's going for the win now. "This is a gutsy call. He'll either be a hero or a dope." "And Bobby Boucher is back on the field." He is now playing offence. We know, we know. If they give that Waterboy the football, I don't care if you have to stab him, do not let him get away. Do you understand me?! Yes, sir! Get in there! I'm ready, friend. Let's do it, Bobby. Set! Red, 43! Red, 43! Hut! Hut! "Touchdown! The Mud Dogs win it! Bobby Boucher is a hero." "He's gone from waterboy to saviour!" Cos he didn't hold anything back. "Let's go to Swanny on the field with our hero." We did it! I can't believe it! I can't believe it! I love you! I love you! I love you too, baby! We're the champions! Ahhhh! Coach Klein, you got your manhood. You got your manhood. Congratulations. You're the MVP of the Bourbon Bowl. How do you feel? I love Mama! Way to go, Bobby. Way to go, Bobby. Looking sharp, Bobby. You the man, Bobby! I've been dreading this day but you got yourself a fine woman. Thank you, Mama. Good luck, son. This is the best day of my life! You wait just till tonight. You wait just till tonight. What happens tonight? You'll see. You can do it! You can do it all night long! (CHEERING) I'm gonna go do it. Bobby? It's me. Your daddy, Roberto. Daddy? They was talking about you being drafted by the NFL. I'm not going to the NFL, I'm staying in school to graduate. To hell with school! Take the money. You and me could be partners, like Tiger Woods and his daddy. Ehhhhhhr! Uh-oh! (ALL) Oooh! (CHEERING) Nice hit, Mama. Thanks, baby. Now go and have some fun becoming a man. # "More Today Than Yesterday" - Goldfinger # I don't remember what day it was # I didn't notice what time it was