(elevator bell dings in distance) (latch clacks, lock beeps) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? Sorry, sorry, sorry. You're right, you're right. We barely know each other. Maybe we should have a-a drink and talk? Actually... (panting) my zipper just got caught on my necklace, but if you want to talk, we totally can. -Sure. -Oh. Okay, great. Or we can talk after. -Yeah. -Yeah. # I want a Sunday # kind of love. # A love to last past # Saturday night. # And I'd like to know # it's more than love at first sight. # And I want a Sunday kind of love. # Oh, yeah, yeah, # I want, uh, # a love that's on the square. # Can't seem to find # somebody, someone to care. # And I'm on a lonely road # that leads to nowhere. # Oh, and I want a Sunday kind of love. # Oh, # yeah, yeah, # I don't wanna # Monday, Tuesday, # uh, Wednesday, a Thursday, # Friday or Saturday. # Oh, nothing but Sunday. # Oh yeah, yeah, # I want a Sunday, Sunday. # I want Sunday # kind of love. # Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, # kind of love. # -Come on. -No. Just let me tag along for a drink. You said I'd like him. -It's too soon. -No. Yes, it is. Once you meet my dad, and I meet your friends, they become a part of this, and I just-just want to stay in our bubble just a little longer. It's been eight weeks. You keeping track? Happy anniversary. I saw it, and I... and I thought of you. Open it. (chuckles) (alarm beeping) WOMAN: Good morning. (groans) Why do I schedule breakfast meetings? Mostly for the bacon, I think. But you need to lay off of that until we get your cholesterol down. Why not try turkey? Screw turkey. I like pig. WOMAN: Okay, well, I heard a story on the news about a guy who ate an undercooked pork chop, -Mm-hmm. -and he ended up with a worm that made his brain swell up super-fast... -Uh-huh. -...and then, to relieve the pressure, they had to cut out a chunk of his skull. Oh, wow. Like, a triangle of his skull, they cut it right out of his head, and they had to implant it in his groin -Mm-hmm. -so that it wouldn't die... otherwise, his brain would've literally, like, just... he would, like, his head would've exploded. -Mm-hmm. -Like, it would... 'Cause the skull was holding his brain, which was swelling, and his head would've just... exploded. I don't know. Just think of that next time you eat pig bacon. I will. -Here you go. -Oh, thanks, sweetie. (dog barking) -Aah! -(gasps) -(coffee splashes) Thunder! He's got to get trained, Kate. I know. I'm taking him to obedience school today. -Good. -Oh, and we need a check because the painter's coming today, too. Reminds me, I need you to sign these, honey. What are they? Oh, just some stuff for the accountant. I don't even understand this. -Well... -I can't even read these anymore. You don't have to. I already read it for us. You just have to sign. No, I really don't understand this. Like, I feel like I need to go to brain camp or something. -What? -Like, a brain camp. You know, where they make you do exercises for your brain. You know, when people who have lazy eyes go... -Oh. -...and get their eyes worked out, so that they don't have to wear glasses anymore. -Mm-hmm. -They should have that for your brain. Like a brain camp. No, really. And you could go, and you lay on a beach and get tan and drink gingko balboa all day, and then you come back, and you're super smart. It's gingko biloba. Balboa was "Rocky." Right. See? See? That's why I need to go to brain camp. (elevator bell dings) Any messages? I don't think so. But I've kind of been in the zone here. You weren't gonna mention these? Why would I need to mention them? They're the first things you see. Micromacks? I thought that Dave Cohen was handling this merger. No. The client said he was too emotional. They wanted a ruthless law robot, so... Micromacks. All right, get Dave on the phone. I'm gonna need all materials, and I want to set up dates for deposition. I don't know why you work so hard. The best part about being pretty is that you don't have to. I mean, you don't see me walking around here worrying about my job, do you? Unfortunately, no. That's because I have a Stan, okay? He works. I come here because it's like having a hobby that pays well. Oh, and by the way, your dad called to confirm that you and he were still on for drinks with Mark. Who's Mark? He's the guy I'm seeing. Obviously, but which one? The only one. There's one guy? And you're calling him "Mark"? You never use their names. What happened to Model Man Boy and Dr. Not-So-Smart? -Gone. -And the hot rabbi? And the hot rabbi's hot cousin? Cut 'em loose. You cleared the whole roster. I cleared the bench. Wow. You haven't dated just one guy in a long time. It's not that big of a deal. -It's very new. -Okay, okay. No-no jinxies. I get it. I mean, it's good that Mark doesn't have a nickname, though. It means he's still viable. You haven't rejected him yet. He's not a donor kidney. That's not the organ I was thinking of. -(phone ringing) -Hello? Hi. Red or white? Red or white? Red or white what? (over phone): Wine! You didn't forget, did you? -Forget what? -Dinner with Phil. Oh, you told me that was next week. No, I said it was next week last week, -which means it's this week. -(over phone): I'm sorry, honey. Tonight's not good; I gotta work. (over phone): What? Again? But this is the third night this week. The guys on the Canadian deal want to do dinner, so I'm just gonna stay in the city tonight. You know what? Why don't I meet you after your meeting? -What? -I'll drive in to meet you in the city, and I'll be there for you after your meeting. Oh, no, no, no, no, you don't want to do that. That... I mean, it's sweet of you, but... I don't mind. We could have so much fun. We'll go to that little hot chocolate place in the morning, and we can just cuddle and sleep in. -That sounds so nice. -You know what? Screw it, I'm coming home. -Really? -Really. Aw! -Family comes first, okay? -Yay! -I'll see you when I get back. -I'm gonna make steak -and salad and then-- -(phone beeps off) Shit. MARK: Wow, look at you. CARLY: Hey. -How are you? -Not too great, baby. Oh, what's wrong? The housekeeper called. A pipe burst in the bathroom; I gotta go handle it. Oh, no. You're going to Connecticut now? I gotta; there's two feet of water in my basement. Do you want me to go with you? That'll be fun. It's fine. You-you go see your dad. Well, I'll just see if he can do drinks tomorrow night. I won't be back tomorrow night. And what about meeting my dad? I'm sorry, baby, I gotta take a rain check. Yeah, that's okay. Well, don't be mad. I'm not being anything. What do you want me to do? I want you to go to Connecticut. -Really? -Yeah, really. All right. Call me when you're done being pissed. That might be a while. (car revs, tires screech) MAN: Great! That sounds good. (indistinct chatter, music playing) DAD: Hi, hon. (grunts) Here, you want this? Oh, yes. I'm switching to vodka. (coughs) Who orders gin? Uh, well, I couldn't read the menu because I left my glasses at Nina's. Want to know who Nina is? -Not really. -Indian girl. -Oh. -Beautiful. Very soft skin. We met a Trader Joe's, and she told me about this naan bread. When did you start eating naan? She's 24 and a dance major. I eat anything she tells me to. Ew. Where's your guy? I think we just broke up. -No. -Yeah. -How come? -A pipe burst at his house, and he went back to Connecticut. And is there a part of this story where he acts like a jerk? It's the way he handled it. -You're just being paranoid. -No, I'm telling you. Something feels off, and when I get this feeling, -I'm usually always right. -Oh, please. Every relationship I've ever had, something felt off. Well, that's probably why you're wrapping up divorce number five with one of my sorority sisters. You really like this guy, huh? So forget about all the bullshit and go surprise him. -It's not bullshit. -It is. Put on something sexy, get your ass out to Connecticut, and fix that young man's plumbing. (hip-hop music plays) # Turn the light off, switch your light off. # Make it right for me. # Pull the blind down, try to wind down. # Take the liberty. # (driver sighs) Don't worry. You look good. -Thanks. -He'll love it. -Who? -Whoever. (Carly chuckles) Here you go. Thanks for the ride. -You need me to wait? -No, I think I got it. # Come and give me your love, give me your love. # I wanna feel alive. # Come and give me your love, give me your love. # I wanna feel alive. # Come and give me your love, give me your love. # We're gonna feel alive. # (doorbell rings) (clears throat) -Hi. -Hi. I'm... looking for Mark. Oh. What's this about? I'm Carly. You must be his housekeeper. No, I'm his wife Kate. (owl hooting) Is this some kind of stripper-gram or something? Oh. No. No. You know, I have the wrong address. I'm looking for a different Mark. Mark Kink. Mark King? No, no, no, no, no. Do you know-- he's the short guy, bald, uh, lives a couple streets over, one or two streets over, on Clark. There is no Clark Street. Anyway, I-I... (screams) Oh, my God! (groans) Shit. (panting) Um, I'll send you a check for your urn. (urn shards clatter underfoot) Can't forget this. (bell dings) (grunting) (sighs) What happened? It's got to be something big. You were crazy about him two days ago. And it can't be the sex, because you were a lot nicer and your hair was way more shiny. He's got a wife, okay? He's married. And you don't think you can take her? That's not the point. I don't do married guys. I don't need to wreck someone's home for a date. Not always a wreck. Stan and I were married when we met. We weren't happy. Now we are. You wrecked two marriages. First of all, one of them was mine, so that doesn't count. Second of all, Stan's wife was a fat Canadian with no sexual charisma. That marriage was doomed from the beginning. It doesn't even count as cheating. I don't think that's how it works. All I'm saying is that I think married guys would be the perfect fit for you. I mean, Mark was able to lead a whole other life without you even noticing. I think you need someone with something that's gonna keep them busy. Not a wife! -(sighs) -I don't do this. I'm too old for this shit. I've been dating for decades. I'm over it. I don't need this anymore. Okay. Somebody's being negative. I'm gonna go. But I'll tell you what my mother told me, and these are words to live by: "Selfish people live longer." I'm just saying. (intercom beeps) -RECEPTIONIST: Miss Whitten? -Yeah? There's someone here to see you. Kate King. (intercom beeps) -Hi. -Hey. I'm Kate. I met you on Friday. Yeah, I remember. Sorry about your urn. What are you doing here? Um, well, I found your number in my husband's phone. Um... Well, actually, the phone bill. I saw the... 'Cause I couldn't crack the code on his password, which is fitting, because obviously I don't know anything that's going on in his life. But, um, anyhow, so I'm here. Um, I thought maybe we could talk? No, we can't. If you have any questions about your husband, you should ask him. Oh, well, well, I would, but I'm pretty sure he's lying to me and sleeping with you. (snickers) So... Am I right? Oh. Am I right? You're sleeping with my husband? Sorry, I had no idea, I swear. You're sleeping with my husband? Could you please keep it down? Oh, gosh. Okay. Oh... oh... Whoo... I did not expect this at all. I thought that I would come down here and you would tell me that I was crazy. I did not think -that I would be right. -Do you...? (chuckles) at all. I mean, maybe a little. In that too horrible to be true kind of way. You know, when you say the awful thing so that the awful thing doesn't happen thing? Whoo... oh... Does this, um... Does this open? This window? Anywhere? This... There's got to be a... little latch or something. Does this window open? No, it doesn't and for good reason. If you're having a panic attack, you should go outside and get some fresh air. -You're gonna be fine. -I'm gonna just lay down for a minute. Are you sure this window doesn't open? No, and you're gonna be fine. -Listen... -This window. Just... just open it a little. Crack it. -Just crack it. -If you don't mind... 'Cause the br... air. It's hot in here. Just crack the window. Okay, I'll tell you anything you want to know if you just get up and leave. Anything? Anything. (panting): Okay. Here, help me up. Your kids use as much data as you do. So if you're tired of topping up their prepay, just add Red Share to your Red+ mobile plan and keep them connected with data to share and unlimited talk and TXT. (exhales) (exhales) So, how long have you and my husband been seeing each other? I don't know; a couple months. So when... Did you just start sleeping together? Well, we were gonna try to hold off for prom, but we kind of got carried away. We're adults. We had sex. -Okay. -I really don't think that the details matter. The details do matter because there's a difference between having sex one time and having sex ten times. Oh, my God. Did you do it more than ten times? I think specifics are a bad idea. Okay, fine. Gun to my head, fifty. 50 times?! (whispering): Jesus Christ. -50 times?! -Just... You had sex with my husband 50 times? Don't you have a job? Or hobbies? What is wrong with you? Does this mean he's not training for the marathon? Yeah, no. This is not okay. I am part of Team King. I quit my job so that we could focus on his job. I put off having kids because he wasn't ready. I went to China. Do you have any idea how far away China is? -Yeah. -And it's not all Hong Kong either. Lots of pollution. So what do I do now? So I'm, now I'm Barb Melman? Barb Melman got divorced and now she has cheek implants and lives in a condo in Norwalk and has to go on dates. I am not equipped to go on dates. The last time I was single, I was 24 and the dating pool was everyone. And now it's like a shallow puddle of age-appropriate men who are old and gross and I don't want to do that. I know that you think that it's that bad, but honestly, it's a lot worse. You know why? Because even if you meet a nice guy-- and when I mean "nice," I mean that he's, like, not an obvious sociopath-- you can't even actually get excited about it. You know why? Because it's just a matter of time before someone gets bored and unhappy and is saying that it's over, and that's a happy ending. A shitty ending is that there's lying and cheating and you ambush Prince Charming's wife. So you're saying I should stay with him? I'm saying that everything fails eventually, and monogamy is not natural. If you can live with that, like the French, then go ahead and stay put, but if you can't, then I suggest that you get a game plan -and you leave. -But what about the people who try to work it out? Maybe that would be an option. Cheaters don't change. And if you work it out, he's just gonna do it again, and you're gonna end up right back where you started, wishing that you had left the first time around. But that's just me. He's your husband. -What does your gut tell you? -(retching) Jesus Christ. That was just a burp. (retching) (vomiting) Can-can I get some napkins? That was throw-up. -(laughter) -CARLY: Okay, okay. -(Kate squeals) -CARLY: Oh, my God. Okay, great. Come on, let's get in the car. Let's get in the car. Come on, come on, come on. (Kate laughing hysterically) CARLY: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Bye! See you later. -Where are you going? -Bye. See you, see you later. Bye. I'm gonna go. -KATE: Hey. -DRIVER: Hey. CARLY: This is a bag full of vomit. -KATE: Wait, no. -DRIVER: It's not my first. CARLY: Okay, so... -Come on, let's get you into the car. -Okay... Let's get into the... Oh, Jesus. Okay, that's enough. Okay. No, don't go just yet. -Just one kiss. -Okay, okay. One kiss and good-bye. One kiss and good-bye. Okay, that was it. -(engine starts) -Okay, let's go. All right, let's get into the car. Be very careful. Careful. No, I don't want to go. -No. -Just put your foot down. Please, please go. No, no, no, no. Okay, all right. Let me just... Wait a second. -(Kate grunting) -How are you doing that? -(Kate moans) -What? How are you... Okay. This way. Let's go this way. There you go. All right, let me get you over. It's a step down. Step down, step down. Okay, there you go. You got it. There you go. -(grunts) -Ow. DRIVER: It's really nice what you're doing for her. Yeah, that's me. Mistress of the Year. Okay, Fernando, go, go, go. Best night ever! Ever! KATE: Bye-bye! (Kate whooping, laughing) KATE: Yes! Holy shit. KATE: Call me! That is so weird. WOMAN: My husband likes this pasta. WOMAN 2: Milk? My husband prefers goat. My husband likes a meaty sauce. (overlapping women's voices) (women speaking French) (speaking French) ...doing the Benson depo on Tuesday, but if we want it on video, I need to get a different court reporter. -CARLY (whispers): Yes? -Kate King is at security. What? Kate King. WOMAN: I've got two expert witnesses lined up for the Turner trial, um, but I'm working on getting a third -in case we need backup. -Excuse me. (elevator bell dings) What's up, Leonard? Hey, Miss Whitten. Ray Charles over here is trying pass herself off -as a blind woman, -What? so she can get upstairs with her dog, to see you. -Oh, no, I didn't. -Really? -Yes. -No, I didn't. No, I didn't. -CARLY: I'll take all this... -LEONARD: Okay. I'm wearing these glasses because I look like shit. He saw the dog and drew his own conclusions. -Listen, can you just come over here, please? -That did not happen, by the way. And if I was Ray Charles, -Okay, just get over here. -I would actually be blind, and need this dog, so thanks for making no sense. Can you just please come over here for a second? -What is going on? -I'm not French. I-I had a little Edith Piaf moment, but the idea of worrying about white shirts and thin turkey and all of that, well, pretending not to know about his whores is really, like, throwing me into, like, an all-American rage. And, um, not that you're a whore. You're not a whore. -Okay, turn around. -But you know what I mean. -Turn around. -But you're not a whore. Let's go outside. I'm assuming that you came here because you think that we're friends and that I care about your problems, but guess what? I don't, okay? I don't care about you or Mark or your marriage or your dog or anything in between. I just wanted to keep you in the loop. I want out of the loop. Take me out. That's the whole point. -Okay? -Okay. Thank you! Come on, Thunder. (doorbell rings) (doorbell ringing repeatedly) Oh, my God. (gasps) Oh, sorry. Uh, it's me. D-Don't be mad. Um, I just... I-I just want to talk. I thought maybe we could have some dinner. How do you know where I live? Um, we followed you home, but, um, I didn't want to show up empty-handed, so I brought some food. Some food is right here. (chuckles) How did you get into my building? We waited for someone to leave and then we snuck in. Hi. What is your deal? Do you not get how weird this is? I just thought we... Maybe we could talk, because, um, I, um, (gasping): because... (crying): ...because my whole world just blew up, and I don't have a job, and I have no money of my own, and I honestly do not know what I'm gonna do at all, and I have no friends to talk to because all of my friends are Mark's friends, and they'll blab, and you are literally the only person in the whole world who knows what's happening besides me, and if I keep talking to myself about it, I'm gonna go crazy. For real. -Like, really. -I can't talk to you until you stop crying. (muffled crying) I want to. Let me just... I'm sorry. I just am sad. Then cry on the inside like a winner. -Okay. -You cannot take care of yourself unless you toughen up, and as far as talking to somebody who won't blab, I can give you the names of three different lawyers. Lawyers cost money. You have money; you have half of what Mark has. Okay, thank you. You're welcome. Are we done? Done? That wasn't even a conversation. You mostly just yelled at me the whole time. (Thunder whimpers) Okay, look. Yeah? All right, if I let you in, we are not braiding each other's hair and drinking cosmos. -No. -You have one hour. -Okay. -And I get first dibs of whatever's in that bag. Sure thing. You can have a seat, but please keep your dog off of my furniture. -(Thunder whining) -Thunder. (groans) (whispering): Thunder. Get down. Get down... Get down. -Down. -(sighs) Wow, okay. That's great. He's just a puppy. CARLY: Okay... Well, have a seat. Okay, well, I don't want to sit someplace where you and Mark had sex. (clears throat) Is the ottoman okay? Mmm... What about the chair? (sighs) If I'm totally being honest... -I just... -Are you serious? It's a window. People can see in here. Look, you're just gonna have to pick a spot and be okay with it. -(sighs) -Just have a seat. (phone buzzing) Is that Mark calling? (buzzing continues) Yes, it is. Mark is in Miami, so why is he calling you from Miami? I didn't even know he was in Miami. Well, why is he calling you at all? I don't know that either. I usually don't call my boyfriends back after I find out that they have a wife. So you haven't called him at all, full silent treatment, and he's still calling you? I'm pretty certain that's why he's still calling. But what if he's calling to say that he's in love with you -and he wants to be with you. -I don't care. Well, what if he's in love with you and what? I mean, has he ever said that he-he loves you and has he talked to you like that? Or has he... I mean, do you think that he still loves me? If we're gonna do this, I-I need a drink. -I get it. -What do you get? Okay, you have the perfect place, and you are the perfect girl, and you could probably take off all of your clothes right now and have, like, no flab and not need a wax or anything and just be ready to go. My situation's pretty situated at all times. It's true. And see, I am not situated. I-I can't even remember to shave my legs. I need, like, at least a week of prep, minimum. Doesn't Mark see you naked all the time? No. He doesn't? No. It's... No. What's it like? Is it, like, a '70s situation? Is it like a... It is like... and I'm totally serious, like, not... No man likes that. It's like a... Just not... I'm not saying that you have to be bald or anything like that. I'm talking about, like, a fig leaf. That's all they want. They just need to have a pretty little patch of happiness. You know, I am, like, Martha Stewart... CARLY: Mm-hmm. But, like, with big underpants. Let me tell you something about Martha Stewart. She handled prison like a boss. -Thank you. -That's right. -Right? -Mm-hmm. I still think, though, that I am not ready to compete with women like you. Even though, technically, I have been competing with women like you all along. I just didn't know it. We're not in competition. We got played by the same guy. I call it a tie. Tequila or vodka? (chuckles) KATE (voice-over): I can't believe I'm in the mistress's closet. I am not a mistress. A mistress knows that she's dating a married man. I... I didn't know, so I'm not a mistress. Can you say that, please? Seriously, can you just please say I'm not a mistress? Oh, you're not a mistress. -Thank you. -Sorry. (laughter) -Try these on. -Oh, my God. These ones are very special. I don't think we have the same size foot. (Kate gasps) This looks like a box of bungee cords. What it does is hold your tits up. That's so awesome. This is like a logic puzzle. This would look so hot on you. I don't know why men find these sexy. Just put these on. A mouse hammock. A mouse... (laughs) And I'm always like, why don't I just wear the good T-shirt? # We are young. # Heartache to heartache, # we stand. # No promises, no demons. # Love is a battlefield. # (Thunder groans) (Thunder snuffling) CARLY: Wake up. You're making out with your dog. (quietly): Wake up. What is he doing? KATE: (gasps) Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no! -(Thunder groaning) -(Kate and Carly moan) I'm sorry. (Carly groans) Damn it! Do you want me to get it? I'm really sorry. I thought I had him that time. Just send me the cleaning bill, okay? Believe it. (whistles) And you'll send me the names of the lawyers, too? Yeah, you still want those? -Yeah. -Well, listen, Mark's pretty shady, so if he finds out you have a lawyer, you're gonna become the enemy. He thinks you're clueless, and you have an edge, so use it. -Get your ducks in a row. -Okay. -Thank you so much for everything. -Sure. I really appreciate it. Yeah, it was fun. Thank you. -Right. -Thank you so much. No problem. You're welcome. Sure. -Okay. -Bye. Okay. (Carly groans quietly) (Carly sighs) Holy shit. SMOOTH MUSIC Bro. It's Pamela. SMOOTH MUSIC (SLURPS) # You know we get down with all the cyber moms. # One of them told me I was hot right now like Tiger Balm. # One of them said, 'Larz, you a teen heart-throb ` # 'make my baby faint; make a tween's heart stop.' # (GRUNTS, RETCHES) Ewww. He's a bit of a grossie, eh? (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) < (GRUNTS) Is that your friend? Him? (CHUCKLES) Nah. < (RETCHES) Ooh. -(Kate screaming) -(clattering, shattering) (phone ringing) (groans) Shit. (phone beeps on) What? Oh, shit, I'm sorry. Did you... Why-why... I thought you'd have your phone off. Then why even bother calling? Well, why'd you leave your phone on? What do you need, Kate? Well, it's not a big deal, but you know how sometimes you get, like a... just like a hint of a zit, and then you just, like, pick at it a little bit and then you just keep picking at it and picking at it until becomes, like, this soul-sucking, life-ruining face crater that you absolutely cannot hide? You're calling me because you got a zit? Um, not exactly. What the hell did you do? It was an accident. -I, um... -An accident? I know. Were you on PCP? KATE: Okay, here's what happened. I started digging around. Everything was locked, and I started thinking, maybe he is shady, and then I just started thinking, like, this whole room is filled with lies and secrets. And then it was like this red mist came over me. So... You know how I told you to get your ducks in a row? -Yeah, I... -Well, this isn't putting your ducks in a row. -I know. This is putting your ducks in a wood chipper. -(doorbell rings) -Hold on. -Oh, shit, he's early. -Who? My brother, Phil. Don't mention the whole mistress thing. Why? I feel like it's kind of an icebreaker. (clears throat) -Hi, hi. -Hey. Who's this? I'm Carmela, Kate's decorator. Oh. Really? When did you fire Joel? -Joel? No, I didn't. -Oh. No, he's, um... the... she's doing all of the stuff in the... on the feng shui in the house. Remember? Um, we met in Hong Kong-- I told you-- Yeah, we bonded over dim sum and spatial reasoning. -Yeah. Two of my favourite things. That's so smart and funny. That's really witty. Ha-ha. That's funny. So, um, this is my brother. -Remember? -Yeah, you said that. -Yeah. -And he's a contractor. -He's gonna go look -Oh, a contractor. Oh. -at the office while you go... -Of course. Unless you want to stay; I mean, you could help me... -...check things out. -No. -I would love to, actually, -That's okay. -but it's kind of a tricky... -project. -Yeah, it is. and I don't want to complicate things, so... Okay. But it was really nice meeting you, so... Yeah, you, too. I hope I see you again soon. Carmela? Really? Did you and Tony have fun living in Hong Kong? Or did Big Pussy and Meadow miss you too much? You know what? You're gonna thank me for using a fake name. You don't want Phil mentioning to Mark about your new friend Carly, do you? No, you don't, so you are welcome. By the way, what is up with your hot brother? -No! -What? No, you can't have my husband and my brother. That's... No. -That's being very greedy. -I think you're being greedy. -I'm being greedy? -He's your brother. What are you gonna do with him? What was it like in your house? Was everybody like hot-hot Phil in your family or are most of them like you? I'm cute-cute Kate. And what about your father? Leave my dad out of this. I bet your dad's hot. You and your vagina need to just... (Thunder barking inside) (door closes) Kate? (Thunder whines) KATE: Surprise! I started redecorating. What do you think? What happened to just painting it red? Oh, red is so cliche. I would expect that from other guys in their offices, but not you. You deserve, you know, something different. Something better than that. Oh. It's good, right? I think it's great. You do? I love it. -Really? -Yeah. Okay, because you know how I get carried away with all the colours and I'm doing... (moans) I missed you. How was Miami? Miami was amazing. The guys loved your gift card swap idea. SwipeSwitch? -And guess what? -What? -Guess. -What...? What? They're gonna put in half a million as seed money. -Really? -That's right! (Kate squeals, laughs) MARK: We did it, we did it, we did it. Oh, Team King. I'll tell you all about it at dinner. -With me? -Yes, we're celebrating. Just let me clean up real quick. KATE: Okay. (phone rings) Hey. -How's it going? -Not good. -Why? What's wrong? -We have a situation. Okay, listen, if you killed him, don't tell me. I can't defend you if I know you did it. No, no, no, no, I didn't kill him. No. It's, uh, something that rhymes with... "schlintercourse." (over phone): What?! You had sex with him? No, of course not. It's barely dark outside. No, he's just, he's on a high from the business trip, and he's... he's got that look in his eyes. That... (groans) That... You know? That... (grunts) And I-I just don't know if I can hold out. Okay, what is going on over there? I don't know. I just... The-The-There's been wine, and-and hand holding during dinner. And, uh, it just felt so good to be touched, you know? Yeah, I do because he used to touch me, too. -Aah! Why do you say that? -Yeah. -A lot. -I don't want to hear that. Then why are you calling me? -For permission? -No! If you want to have sex with your husband, just do it. I'm just wondering, like, what if I keep my clothes on -while I'm having sex with him? -Really? What if, like, the-the top part of me hated him, while the bottom part of me did all the dirty work. -Kate, you're making a mistake. -I know! -I'm trying not to. -No, you're not, not really. -Yes, I am. -Look, and if you're gonna cave every time that he pays attention to you, then you know what, just leave me out of it. You can keep wasting your own time, but I'm done. Fine, be done. -I am done. -I'm done. This is me being done. -Fine. -Okay, good-bye. Fine, well, forget I called. Good-bye. (phones beep off) (sighs) (sighs heavily) Kate... you hold it together. He is awful. (laughing) Oh, my God. (moaning passionately) KATE: Oh, my God. MARK: Oh, that's good. You taste good. Oh, my God. And you smell so good. (moaning continues) Okay, wait, hold on one second. -What? -Just one second. (panting) I'll be right back. Don't move. (groans) (phone buzzing) (phone beeps on) (quietly): Hey, baby. WOMAN (over phone): What are you doing? Oh, I'm still working. WOMAN: Well, I'm not working. And I am so freaking hot. -(woman continues indistinctly) -Um... (Mark sighs) Oh, baby, send me a picture, will you? WOMAN: Okay. Send me a few pictures. WOMAN: I'll send tons. MARK: We'll have the whole weekend in the Hamptons to work that out. WOMAN: I miss you. MARK: Oh, I miss you, too. I miss you. I-I-I-I gotta go. I gotta go, baby. (phone beeps off) Bill, I told you, don't call me at night. I'll call you tomorrow. (sighs) I'm sorry, honey. It's okay. The wine hit me wrong. I have a splitting headache. -Really? -Yeah. Well, maybe I can make it go away, huh? Sorry, honey, not tonight. KATE (voice-over): "Sorry for the tough love. Do what you need to do. I support you." Yeah, right. Bitch. -You okay? -Yep. -You sure? 'Cause you're talking to your phone. -I'm fine. So, how's Carmela? -Bad. -How come? Because I said so, okay? Why? Do you like her? Because she is fired. What's going on with you? I... Let me... Let me take a stab and say that you didn't fire her because you realized that feng shui is bullshit. You shouldn't be paying for that. Okay, you know what? Feng shui rules. And there are so many people in this world and in China (crying): who love feng shui, and feng shui is not what you think it is, and I hate -that you keep saying -Katie... -that it's dumb. -I didn't mean it. Feng shui is so good 'cause it's important to know -where to place things -Mm-hmm... Okay... in order to make yourself feel better. (muffled crying) Katie, sweetheart? (muffled crying continues) Katie? What are you doing? What is that? See? See? This is what happens when Carly makes me cry on the inside like a winner. -(sobbing) -Katie! Who's Carly? She's Mark's girlfriend, and not "friend friend," like, "boning friend"! Mark's cheating on you? Like, 50 times at least. -Are you serious? With who? -Or more probably. Carmela, but only her real name is Carly. Is this some sort of Tyler Durden "Fight Club" thing? -No! -Are you Carly? -No... -Is anyone Carly? Please focus, okay? I am focused. I-I don't want to keep explaining this to you. -Who... is...? -Carmela is Carly. The feng shui spatialist chick, that girl? -Yes. -Oh, my God! You okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I never liked that guy. I never liked that guy; I told you that before you married him, didn't I? I sat you down. What a piece of shit. Did you know she was his mistress when she was in the house? When she was working here? Okay, here's the thing. I thought she was his ex-mistress, but it turns out they're still seeing each other. -That makes sense. -So I heard him on the phone with her, and then he comes to me, and he's like, "Oh, I have to go golfing in Connecticut with the Canadian crew." Right? Which is code. For what? -Ca. -Ca? Ca. -Ca. -Car... -Carly. Carmela. -Carmela. -You're talking about Carmela. -Right. And then she doesn't even know that I know that they're still together, and so she's pretending to be friends with me, but she's spying on me like a double agent. -And you're letting her pretend because... -Because that's how you run a double agent. -Oh. -I don't even know if she's American. I don't even know. Listen, Katie, if she's full of shit, call her out on it. Take care of that. Deal with her. And then deal with the real problem. Oh, Mark. Yes, Mark. Yes. Okay, right. Mm-hmm. -Where are you going? -I don't know. I'm really happy that we're doing this. Are you? How are you feeling? I don't know; how are you feeling? Well, I feel like I owe you an apology for the other night. -Do you? Hmm. -Yeah. I know sometimes I can be more tough than love, and... Can you? Yeah, and I just wanted to clear the air and-and say that whatever happens between you and Mark is your business. Oh, is it? Yeah. Are you okay? Are you still sleeping with my husband? -What? -You heard me. This is unbelievable. -No, no, no, no, no... -I must be crazy to think I could be best friends with my ex-boyfriend's w... You don't get to ice me out. No. No. Huh-uh. No. -What? What? What? -You can't... you can't ice me out. -What are you gonna do? -I am gonna ice you out. Look, okay, here's my ice shield. What next? Are you gonna pull out my weave? -Is that what's gonna happen? -Why don't you start telling me the truth! What, you want to know the truth? Your husband sucks! I am not sleeping with him. And the fact that you think that I would really hurts. Well, shit! I don't know! All I know is what I heard, and he's meeting someone... Then it's not me, so he must be cheating on both of us. Oh, my God, that's it. He's cheating on us! -No, I was kidding about that. -Yes! No, no, no. If he's not seeing you-- which I'm so sorry I said that, that was... that was... that sucks, I'm sorry-- but if he isn't seeing you, he's seeing someone else. Think about it, Kate. Think about it. Between the two of us, he has a perfect woman. What else would he need? The one thing we're not giving him: sex. Kate... Katie? Time to go, sweetie. Okay. Um, are you all packed for all your business meetings? I hate working on the weekends. Oh... I feel bad for you. Let me walk you out. -KATE: Bye. -Mmm. Mmm! KATE: Mwah! Have a great weekend. Okay. You, too. -Bye! -Bye. -You look gorgeous, honey. -Thanks, honey. Safe flight! -I'll call you when I get in. -Okay. Don't forget. ('Mission Impossible' Theme) -(ringtone plays) -(gasps) (tires squeal, engine revs) (tires squeal) CARLY: Come on, let's go! He's probably halfway there already. We're gonna lose him. What is Thunder doing? No, no, no, no, no, no. -Get in the car. -Are you kidding me? I hate... No, no! Oh, God! -Sorry. -Jesus, that was... I think that was... it might have been his balls. -No. -No, that was... Ugh! ('Mission Impossible' Theme continues) CARLY: I don't think we should rush into anything... What are you doing? Where are you going? When you're divvying up friends in the divorce, make sure you keep this one. What are you... doing? I don't... You're not gonna see anything through those hedges. Get out of there. You are being a very negative detective. Give me a boost up. Look, he's not gonna catch us. (both grunting) -Go higher. Go higher. -Wait... (grunts) I... -Go higher. -Look in... KATE: Oh, hell, no! Now he's crossed the line! -Come on! -What... what is it? What's going on? -It's a Jetta. -What... -It's a Jetta! -So? Only young, hot girls drive Jettas! -I had a Jetta. -That's what I'm talking about. -(beep, whirr) -All right, okay... (Carly gasps, grunts) (brakes squeak) Hi, there. I just, um, I was out for a jog, and my hammies locked up. You know, when that... happens, I... I have to stretch. -CARLY: I'm not Gumby. -I just pulled over for a little stretch. (exaggerated grunt) Oh... that feels so much better. Yeah. Yup. That's, uh, a lot better. -Oh, yeah. -(man speaks Spanish) KATE: You just got to, like... stretch it out... Stretch it out. (exaggerated grunt) KATE: Yeah. That is... That is it! If we are gonna keep doing this, you have to tell me what we're doing and where we're going and where we're going and what's happening, because I can't take it anymore! Let's go! Oh, God! (grunts) (Thunder barking) (seabirds squawking) PHIL: Well, well, well, look who's here-- the wife and the mistress. I'm not a mistress. Not technically, anyway. KATE: And she comes in peace, so be nice. PHIL: All right, all right. Come on in. So, can I ask what the hell the two of you are up to? And, Katie, don't say it's a social call, because you haven't been here since I've bought the place. We think Mark has another mistress, -and we're gonna go find her. -What?! -Mm-hmm. -I... And-and what exactly do you plan on doing if you find this girl? Don't come at me with all your weird little man logic, okay? This is a one-day-at-time operation, and today, it's a light recon day. A grappling hook? Really? Damn. (seabirds squawking in distance) (Thunder barks in distance) Look, I don't know if you're here out of some... morbid curiosity, or if you and Kate are the weirdest friends ever... We are. The weirdest friends ever. But she's a good person. And even though Mark's an asshole, they had something real. And whenever she's done running around with you, she's gonna realize that that's gone. And it's gonna suck. So... try not to make that part any worse for her. Okay. KATE: Okay... they are on the move. KATE: Okay. Nothing... Mm... Okay. Whoops. He's up. CARLY: Wow. Really? What's he doing? -KATE: Kissing. -CARLY: Uh-huh. -KATE: Probably tongue. -CARLY: Mm-hmm. -KATE: Probably enjoying. -CARLY: Great. KATE: Okay, target is moving. Target is moving. Target is on the move. All right. Oh, look, he's wearing those cute little shorts I got him for Christmas. -Those look good on him. -Okay. I can't believe you're not interested in this at all. CARLY: Just promise me when you meet her that you're not gonna, like, lose your shit like you did with me. -And don't say you didn't. -I lost my shit, but that's because I was a mistress-virgin, and you were the first one. Now I'm all worn in like an old glove. Oh, shit, she's getting up. (gasps) Oh, my God. -What? What?! -Holy shit! Oh, come on! CARLY: What? What is that? Let me see. Let me... let me see! Okay, but you're not gonna like it. Aah! Jesus! She makes me look like I'm wearing a diaper! Do you think she had that made? No, she didn't have that made. When you have a body like that, everything fits you perfectly. CARLY: Do you know what this is? This is just -so unoriginal, Mark. -She has a good stride. Wow. So cliche. -I mean, she's, like, a perfect ten... -She's pretty good. -...lemon tart, double-D... -Maybe, like, an 11. -obviously natural double-D. -That's a triple-D. CARLY: It's, like, a midlife crises mistress. She's like a cliche version of every wife's waking nightmare. KATE: You have to admit that's pretty good, though. -Seriously. -It's a... Okay, great, it's fine. She's beautiful. But you know what? Okay, at some point, you say, "I play tennis," right? You know what? How are you not freaking about this? But if I play against John McEnroe, then I expect to lose. -You know what? -Right? I am McEnroe! KATE: What are you doing! Where are you going? Wait! KATE: No! Don't...! KATE: What happened to being calm! Carly! Carly! Stop...! CARLY: I can't believe he's been cheating on me! KATE: Oh, boo-hoo! He cheated on me, too! CARLY: You're the wife! He's supposed to cheat on you! Ow! Oh, my God! -(indistinct shouting) -Ow! Stop the grappling! I'm strong when I'm mad...! (both yelling) (yelling continues) WOMAN: What's going on? -Hi. -Hi. I just can't believe he'd lie to me. I really thought we were soul mates. Oh, my God, I am so sorry. I can't believe I just said that. You're his soul mate; I'm a whore. -No. -You must hate me so much right now. But if it's any consolation, right now, I hate me more. I don't hate you. I don't hate you at all. I got all of that out of my system -with that one. -How can you be so amazing you could be friends with your husband's mistress? Yeah, it's like a dream come true. -CARLY: Seriously? -You know what, ignore her. She's just working through some stuff right now. She's... she's kind of troubled. But you smell amazing. What is that? I think it's just sweat. You know what the worst part about this is? You seem so nice, and this whole time he had me believing you were the devil. -Wait, what? -He said that you cheated on him and then asked for a divorce. He said that I... (stammering) I was the cheater? That's what he said? Yeah. -Th-That I cheated? -I'm so sorry. That is so... Okay, well, that's... What an asshole! He's a liar, Kate. Who cares what he says? Because it's not fair. And he made me the bad guy. And he's divorcing me? You know it's not actually happening, right? Okay, but he could have picked any scenario, and he picks that one? And he makes me the villain? And then divorces me for fake cheating? I shouldn't have told you. I'm so sorry. Honey, it's not your fault that I married a monster. You are innocent in all of this. -Let's go back to Phil's. -Okay, let's go. Wait... what am I supposed to do? You guys can't just leave me. Mark's gonna be back from the gym -any minute. -We'll get your number. -Can we keep her? No, we can't keep her! We already have a dog at home! You pulled my hair, which is totally out of... PHIL: Hey, hey, hey! Hey! ...you cannot just make some... Check this out. Watch what I taught Thunder. Thunder, get me a beer. (grunts) -KATE: Unbelievable. -CARLY: Wow! -That's crazy. It's crazy. -It's a miracle. -That dog is trying to break me. -He really is. -PHIL: Good boy. Good boy. -KATE: Thunder. Thunder. -So, how was the stalking? -Thank you, thank you, -KATE: Thunder. Traitor. -thank you, thank you. How did it go, weirdo? Oh, it was good. We took a run on the beach, we met Mark's new mistress... -CARLY: Amber. -It was good. 22, super-hot. -Are you jealous? -No, I'm not jealous. -You are. -I just don't have, like, an insane girl crush. I think it's good that she's super-hot. I feel like it brings up our group average. This is not frickin' "Sister Wives," honey. Are you sure that you're not angry? Because letting it out is a whole lot better than having to tell the cops you didn't mean -to hug her to death. -Ha, ha! You're so funny! Oh, my God! You'll see when you meet her. What? When I meet her? KATE: Up high. Oh, you look so pretty! -You look so pretty. -CARLY: It's really... PHIL: Bad. It's just bad. So, what's that up there? That's the best part of the house. Yeah. You're gonna like it. Come on, I'll show you. KATE: I'm so happy that I met you. You're such a good girl. -AMBER: Mark's an asshole. -He is. (Kate and Amber continue conversing) Wow. I know exactly what I would do with it. What? I would put a coffee table right here, so that I could have my morning coffee. Not there. You can't. It doesn't work. There's too much morning sun. It would blast you. No, this is where I would want to exist-- right here. Looking at that. You sure? Yeah. I'll think about it. You better. Okay. # Shawty in da back, shaw-shawty in the back, # shaw-shawty in the back of the club, and she's bringing. # Shawty in da back, shaw-shawty in the back, # shaw-shawty in the back of the club, and she's banging so pretty. # CARLY: I got to admit, Kate might actually have a point about her bringing up the group average. Do you guys care if I smoke? No... I kind of want one, too. Since when do you smoke? -Since whenever I want to smoke. -AMBER: Yeah! -PHIL: This ought to be good. -CARLY: I swear, if we find any more mistresses, I'm gonna have to send her to rehab. # Like a blazing light, # our dream ignite # across the sky. # If you feel it in the air, # Oh, if you feel it in the air, # Then you're already there. # (seabirds squawk in distance) (grunts quietly) (sighs) PHIL: Don't worry, we didn't hook up. -We didn't? -No. -Oh, thank God. -Nah, you took your clothes off to go skinny-dipping. -Really? -Yeah. You girls started in on the tequila, and it all went downhill from there. I couldn't get you to keep your clothes on, so I had to button you in backwards. -Shut up. -Yeah. So let me get this straight. I came into your bed naked and tried to molest you, and then you made a straitjacket and a pillow fort to protect yourself from me. Yeah. (sighs) Oh, my God, I've hit rock bottom. Aw, don't worry about it. We were pretty out of our heads, and I like to think I'm a good guy. So... So you needed the pillows to resist me. Let's say I was hedging my willpower. I'm gonna go take a shower. -AMBER: Good morning. -Good morning. What are you guys doing? Phil went for a run, and Amber's making frittatas. CARLY: Have you packed your shit? 'Cause I want to get on the road before traffic starts. No. 'Cause that means I have to go home and deal with Mark. You know what sucks? I was thinking... is that he should be the one freaking out, not me, because I didn't do anything, and instead, he's totally fine, and I'm sitting here with the two of you, pretending not even to know you, and then on top of it, I have to get my ducks in a row. -So what do you want to do? -Okay, this may sound wrong, but I kind of want him to hurt. I want to be the one who makes him start a whole new life because I took it away from him. I want him to feel what I feel, but worse. So you're talking about maximum pain, right? We should kick him in the balls. You know, that's, like, a really good thought, and actually, I like the way your brain works, but I think we're thinking -about... something a little bit bigger than that. -KATE: Yeah. You know what, it doesn't really matter anyway, because he's always gonna wind up on top, because he's a killer and I'm not. That's not true. You know that. You're not alone in this. -You have us. -Exactly. When you put the lawyer, the wife and the boobs together, you got the perfect killing machine. -I do? -Yes. I know how assholes do asshole-y things, -You do. -...and you know how Mark does everything, and Amber knows... -We're gonna find out what Amber knows. -AMBER: Yeah. Wait a sec, what are you saying? What I'm saying is that if you want to take him down, then let's take him down. We have him surrounded. -KATE: Surrounded. -And if we put -our brains together... -KATE: The three of us. ...the three of us can be just as shady as he can. -I am in. -Are you in? -I'm in! -Yeah! (Cyndi Lauper's 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun') # I come home in the morning light. # My mother says when you gotta live your life right? # Oh, Mama, dear, we're not the fortunate ones, # and girls, they wanna have fun. (blender whirrs loudly) Hi, honey. Mmm! Tastes different today. What'd you do? Added kiwi. Mm. I like it. I'll keep adding it. Mmm. # But girls, they wanna have fun. # Oh, girls just wanna have fun. # Just wanna, they just wanna, # they just wanna, # oh, girls just wanna have fun. # MARK: I was going crazy without you. I'm sorry for being such a jerk. No. No, no, no. You know what? -I overreacted. -No. No, I did. I really did. It was just that you were coming to meet my dad, -I know. -...and I've just been so worried about him. (phone buzzing) He's been going through so much with this divorce, and I just... Sorry. Do you mind? I'll just be a second. No. That's fine. Mike. No, I was setting the mike. N-Never mind. What do you want? (low, indistinct conversation) (low, indistinct conversation) (spoon stirring) Okay. Hold that thought. (clears throat) (laughs softly) (sighs) I'm sorry. Um... where were we? My dad's divorce. Right. -You said you're worried about him. -I am. -Mm. -He's gonna have to give this woman half of his money, half of everything he has. And she does nothing. She just lays around the house all day long. I mean, he has been working his whole life, and she is just going to take half of it. -It's not fair. -But he can't give away what he doesn't have. Are you saying that he should hide his money? Not hide. Lose. I don't really understand. Maybe I should just tell him in person. You would do that? (gags, chuckles) -Whoa. The... ah... -(stomach grumbling) -(whispers): Are you okay? -Actually, no. We should get out of here. Now. -(farting) Please. -Really? CARLY (whispers): Yeah. Okay. (whispers): Come on. (Mark gasping, panting) (Mark farts, groans) -Uh... -You okay? Something's not right. Um... you should go. -I'll call you later. -Do you want me to wait for you? -No. -I don't mind. No, it's fine. It's good, it's good. Oh, shit! Oh...! Oh, come on! Oh... Oh...! Oh! (grunts) (farting) -Oh...! -(pooping, farting) (grunting) (farting) (gasping) Oh, God. (panting): That was painful. (gasping) -Oh, my God! -(farting) Oh, no! (sobs): Oh, no! -(farting, splashing) -Oh... (Mark groans) (quietly): Hey, buddy? (panting): Can you help me out? -MAN: Sorry, bro. Only the waiters suck dick. -No, no, no, it's not like that. I... -I need you to buy me some pants. -Ah, things -got really tough in there, huh? -Yeah. I'm a 34-inch waist The fit doesn't have to be perfect. And I like blue. Or green! -(farting) -You still there? (farting stops) Hello? (door opens) (panting) (door closes) (groans, pants) -What happened to you? -I had a faecal incident. I needed some pants, and the only person who didn't try to rob me was a hipster. I'm sorry, did you say you had a "faecal incident"? Like you pooped your pants? Yes, Kate, exactly like that. I shit my pants. And you know what, sweetheart? It's about to happen again, so if you don't mind... I'm gonna go see if our toilet can take a punch. (giggling) New Zealand's leading mobile network presents the new Samsung Galaxy S8. See how the incredible Infinity Display gives you infinite entertainment so you can see more of the best hit TV shows and movies. Get it now for... The Samsung Galaxy S8 for infinite entertainment with Vodafone. -You found it! -I did. Come on, sit down. Is your shirt see-through? Yeah, the girl at the shop told me that sheer is the next big thing. And your Indian girl didn't veto that? I haven't seen her. We didn't have that twinkle, you know what I mean? I like sheer shirts. Dad, this is Amber. -Hi, Amber. -Hi. Hi. Um... Mmm... mmm... I'm fine, thank you. I'm, like, really okay. Thank you. I hate being touched. Where are we? Seriously. -What is this, like, Saigon? -Don't make fun of 'Nam. Let me tell you something, best years of my life. This place is awesome. My neck was so tight. -What's it called? -No Hands. Isn't it great? Watch this. (speaks Vietnamese) You see? No hands. Okay, I can't put my finger on it, but there's definitely something very wrong with that. So, um, okay, what's up? What's this big mystery you want me to solve? Well, hypothetically, if I wanted to protect my money by losing it, what would I do? -Losing it? -Yeah, losing it. You're not working with the hypothetical Feds, are you? No! Why, do you have a problem with the Feds? -Actually, don't tell me. -What's this guy do? He develops start-up companies. Ah, the Chuzzlewit Pinch. Oh. He ain't losing money, -he's robbing it. -Mm. I'll tell you what you do. Look for blind offshore filings. Like in Switzerland or the Bahamas. If I was gonna "lose" money, -that's where I'd do it. -AMBER: Can I get another drink? You okay, baby? Need my help on this? No. I got this. Stop frowning before you break your face. Better? I don't know. That's the Evil Genius smile. Is somebody about to get screwed? You screw me, I screw you back. I'm a lady like that. -A three-way? -Yeah. I don't know. Please? Come on, you'll love Dana. Dana? It'll be so hot. I think it'd be a game-changer for us. Oh... All right, if you really want to. -Yes! Thank you! -(Mark laughing) AMBER: Dana. -Baby, this is Dana. -Hm? What? No... (loud grunting) -I knew you'd love her. -MARK: God! (exhales) (shudders) (low grunting, panting) (shudders) What the hell? (panting): Kate? -MARK: Kate! -Yes? Look at this. -Oh, looks like you put on a little bit of weight. -Yes. And have you ever seen shit like this? What? -Oh, yeah. -(pained grunt) -Oh, yeah, yeah. -Don't-don't do that. -Are they sensitive? Does that hurt? -Yes. -(gasps in pain) -Tune in Tokyo. (laughing): It's... You know what? It just looks like you're a little bloated. Bloated? I have boobs! These nipples look like they've done hard time in Africa feeding some village. -Okay, I think you're overreacting. -They're straight out of the Congo! Let's just tape them up; we'll put some tape on them... No! I can't go to work with my tits taped! -Where are you going? -To do some push-ups. Did you want this smoothie? AMBER: And he's back to sexting like a freak. CARLY: Oh, my God, I wish he would stop sending so many pictures. Every time I pick up my phone, it's like getting flashed on the subway. KATE: Okay, try living under the same roof with him. All I get is surprise penis. CARLY: What is wrong with him? -It's like his sex drive is tripled. -AMBER: Nonstop, right? I thought you said that you were giving him hormones. I am! Enough for a pre-op transsexual. He must be taking Viagra by the handful. I don't know how much longer I can last, because now that sex is off the table, we actually have to speak to one another, and I think he's getting a little suspicious. -Really? -Yeah. Well, maybe one of us should just sleep with him. Are you crazy? -No! -No, just to, like, -let some steam out of the pot. -Please don't. Please, please, keep the lid on the pot. So you don't think I can handle it? You know what, I'll do it. What?! Yeah, no, I'll take one for the team. No, you think that he's an evil sociopath. He is, he is, but it's better me than you. I can weather a little hate sex. I'll do it; I don't have a lot of feelings. Come on. Okay, you guys have no faith in me. Oh, my God, I have a friend who could do it. No! No, no, no. We are not gonna hire a hooker to sleep with my husband. She's not a hooker, she's just a slut. No, okay, we're done here. I'm gonna do it. I am gonna do it. If you do it, I do it. -Yeah, me too. -Fine. Rock, paper, scissors. Winner has sex with my husband. Really? Yep, it's the only way. One time, or two out of three? One time. All right. Well, Amber wins. You okay with that? Oh, yeah. I couldn't be more okay. What? (sobbing) You are so full of shit. (clattering at window) (whispering): Kate! (pebble clattering) Hey! Where have you been? Are you okay? I've been trying you all day long. Okay, can you open the door for me? -(Kate grunts, thudding) -Wow. (sobbing) (Thunder snuffles, groans) What is going on? CARLY: Wow. This is what it's come to, huh? I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. Is it ever gonna get any easier? (sighs) Yeah. It will. When? Well, it's gonna suck for a little while. You know? But then it's gonna suck a little less, (sighs) and then one day, that ring is just gonna be a ring. You're gonna take it off, and it's just gonna be something that you used to wear. I hope so. -Katie? -What's he doing? -He's supposed to be with Amber. -Oh, shit. -Katie, I'm home! -Go in there. -No, there's no room under the bed. -(whispering) Okay, I'll go here. -No, no, no, no, no. -Okay. No, I can see you. Go out the window. Go out the window. Go out the window. MARK: Honey? -CARLY: ...go out the window! -Katie? Um... No, you can't get in there. I'm ticklish, I'm ticklish. Hi, sweetie, you're home early. Uh, I-I cancelled. What-What's all this? Oh, you know, just, um, sometimes I like to put on my dress. It's pretty. -You do? -Yeah. You know when you just feel like, your, like, normal clothes are, like, blah, and you're just like, "Oh, I wish I had a costume" or something? You know when you get like that? -No. -No? -Not really. -(Kate groans) Why don't you come to my investor dinner this weekend? -We'll get dressed up -Mm-hmm. -and you can see first-hand what I've been doing with all your great ideas. -Okay! Okay, I'm gonna get us a couple of drinks. -Scotch okay? -Oh, yeah. That'd be perfect. Thank you. Get out! Be careful. -Wait, wait, no! Wait! -No, no, no. Okay. (squeals) Sorry. (squeaks): Ow. (laughter, indistinct conversations) Big year, buddy. Great job. Thanks. Kate, you remember my partner Nick. Yes, hi. It's been ages. -Good to see you again. -You, too. This is, uh, Cece. Kate's the one who gave us the idea for SwipeSwitch.com. Oh, my God, I am obsessed with that idea. I can't wait for that site to go up. Wow, thank you. That really means a lot. Thank you, that's nice. -She's my little idea factory. -(laughs) Maybe you should've picked her brain about ServiceCircuit. Is that still circling the drain? More like the toilet, but the potential's there, Nick. We should try and make it work. How much? Two million. All right, we'll talk about it. But if the two million doesn't work, then we're gonna shut it down. Thanks, man. I-I appreciate it. Don't sweat it. You made us a ton of money this year. -Nobody bats a thousand. -That's true. On that happy note, who needs a drink? I do. -Sweetie, you want another? -CECE: Can I get you one? -I'll have a double. -Sure, I'll go get it. (chuckles) See you in a bit. Okay. She's lovely. -She is. -Mm-hmm. Is it serious? -Uh, no. -No? Well, I was sorry to hear about you and Julie. Me, too. But, uh, the lawyers say it's all very, um, amicable. So fake it until you make it. Something like that. MARK: Katie! Come on. (chuckles) Oh, this is beautiful. Wow. Mmm. (sighs) -Whoa. -Nice. (sighing) This is pretty. Mmm, did you ever think, when we had that shitty little apartment on Charles Street that we'd end up here? That wasn't a shitty apartment. That was a great apartment. Don't you remember how tiny it was? And remember we had the bathroom in the kitchen? And every time I flushed the toilet, the shower would get really cold. I hated it. I loved that apartment. It just seems like everything was simple then. -You know? -Mm-hmm. I was happy. -And I just wanted you to be happy. -I am. Are you? You can tell me. I won't be mad. What? I wouldn't even be me without you. I... I might not always get it right, but... I'm exactly where I want to be. Do you promise? (voice-over): Hi! Hi! I'm so glad you're here! We have so much to tell you. -Major breakthroughs. -Whoa. -Major breakthroughs. -What is all of this? Amber got Mark's password off the nanny cam, hacked into his computer the night she was supposed -to have sex with him. -So you saw him? -Yeah. He came over after work and he had his computer with him. -Did you have sex? -No. I know I said I would, but you looked so sad when I won, -and I couldn't do it. -No. -Tell her what you did. -I chickened out, -and I said I had chlamydia. -That's right, bitch, chlamydia! -No. -She gave him chlamydia. He can't even have any sex till he finishes his Z-Pak. -(laughs) Yay. -CARLY: Mark's not just a cheating scumbag, he's also a thief. Look what I found. This is a list of all of the start-up companies that Mark has invested in. Three are offshore, but only one was a blind filing. No board of directors. It has a P.O. box for an address, and it's been operating at a total loss in the Bahamas. ServiceCircuit. -This is it, Kate. -No, that can't be right. Mark was talking about ServiceCircuit last night. -They're putting more money into it. -That's part of the con. All we have to do is find out the bank he's using. No, I was with the board last night, and they seem really happy. Mark is making them rich. He's stealing, Kate, and making money for them is just one of the ways that he does it. Okay, wait, Kate, what's going on? Nothing, I just think that it's more complicated than we thought. You slept with him, didn't you? One night? You go right back to being a Stepford? -What am I supposed to do? -That's great. He must have literally screwed your brains out. So what? Maybe you just have to forgive people in order to move forward. But he didn't ask you for forgiveness, now, did he? Maybe if you had something to lose, -you would understand how hard this is for me? -Like what? Like a cheating husband of my own? -Both of you, stop. -You know what, things shifted this weekend. It was different. -So you don't know. -Really? What are you doing? I'm gonna see if Mark wants to hang out. What's wrong with you? KATE: Everything. Everything is wrong with you, and you know what, I feel like an idiot right now for trusting you over him. I am done. Kate, wait. (phone chimes) (taps key) But nothing from Amber either? No, and I feel like if Amber won't talk to me, then... I obviously I did something wrong. I think you're being hard on yourself. I don't know, I can't tell. (chuckles) I care so much, and-and then it just comes out so harsh. Well, you know, what the hell do you know? You get it wrong all the time. Sorry. I'm usually a fun date. I am. -I'm having fun. -Yeah? Not a lot of it, but some. You should think about being nicer to me. 'Cause I'm not certain I really like you yet. I think you like me. Do I? (laughs) Hey. Mmm. (coughing) I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (groans) No, don't get too close to me. I think I'm getting sick. What's wrong? I went to the doctor. He gave me a Z-Pak. He said there's something nasty going around, and that you should take one, too. That's for you. A Z-Pak? I'm not sick, though. Well, that's why you take it beforehand, so you don't get sick. It's prophylactic. Oh, honey, I need you to sign some papers for me. (distorted): If you could, do it today. There's no need to read it; it's just the usual stuff. It's, uh, boring stuff from the accountant. ServiceCircuit again. Also, I'm traveling. I'm going to Miami and the Bahamas. Did you just say something about the Bahamas? (sniffles) I'm sorry. No, I feel so awful. Well, no, no. You were right about everything, and he's still lying to me, and he's still treating me like I'm blind, and I'm not. You're not. You're not. Okay, I found this. They're wire transfer instructions for a company in the Bahamas. Mark is flying down this week. You said that all we had to do was find out where he banks, right? So let's go to the Bahamas and let's get him. Kate, I'm sorry, but I... I can't. I can't stay in this Mark moment forever. I can't, and if I'm investigating him or if go to the Bahamas, then I'm still involved, and.. I just can't do that anymore. I'm sorry. No, okay, I get it. No, okay. Okay, I just, um... -Hey. -Hmm? Thank you. For what? For basically... forcing me to be your friend. You wanted to be friends with me, too. You just didn't know it. Yeah, well... You jumped out of a window for me. You pushed me. I shoved you. -(laughter) -Hard, too. Okay, I'll keep you in the loop? Okay. Bye. (sighs) (sniffles) I'll be damned. Oh... (laughs) Ooh, sorry. AMBER and CARLY: Katie! Kate! You guys came! (Kate squealing) (laughter) You think we could let a sister down? We're getting the band back together. CARLY: You know those bank transfers you gave me? They were for ServiceCircuit, and guess whose signature is all over the ServiceCircuit paperwork? KATE: Mark's. -No. -Yours. You're the CEO. He used you to create the company. The son of a bitch put everything in your name. He's neck-deep in fraud, and if anything goes down, -Oh, my gosh. -...they're gonna come after you first, okay? -Oh, my gosh. -You're his fall guy. You could even go to jail. I can't go to jail. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. -Turn the car around. -Nobody's actually gonna go to jail. Turn the car around. No, no, no. No, I am not Martha Stewart. I will wind up in gen pop. -No, no, no, no, no. -No, you're not going to. -Turn around. -I'm not gonna let you go. -I can't join a gang! -You're not gonna join a gang. I don't know how to make shanks. I have soft hands and a small mouth! -Okay, okay, seriously. -I will be the bottom. -Where are you going? -No, no, get back. -I don't want -to make license plates! -You're not going to jail, okay? -Turn the car around! -Okay, come here. -Go back... -I promise! -Go back! -You're not gonna go to jail. -Sit down. -My name was all over everything. Well, that's the good news. That's the good news. Your name's on everything. What are you talking about? -Do you know what she means? -AMBER: No. CARLY: What I mean is we need to find Mark and his bank. KATE: I know where he is. He's at the One and Only. CARLY: Perfect. Then we're halfway there. Do you see him? Not yet. How do you know he's even here? GPS does not lie. You guys, I think I see a dolphin. Got him. I got him. (grunts) -Right there. -Where? KATE: 12:00. CARLY: Okay, now what? What are we looking for? What's the clue? KATE: How about that clue? AMBER: Oh, my God, he's taken this shit international. KATE: Oh, come on. I swear to God, every time I look into a pair of binoculars, this guy has another mistress. You think he has more than one on the island? CARLY: Who cares about the island? Where else has he travelled? Please don't tell me Thailand. Why can't he just jerk off into a tube sock like a normal guy? I have so many lotions at the house. (indistinct conversation) KATE: Well, there it is. The end of the road. Well, if we don't leave till tomorrow, I say it's our turn to take this shit international. # All I want is a bilingual boy # To love me in both languages # Talk to me in Spanish # When we're getting started # Then English when we're close to the end # All I want is a bilingual boy... (musical interlude) # All I want is my bilingual girl. # (song ends, applause) (whooping) Aah! That was so much fun! So much fun! Can we get three punches, please? Three punches. Three punch. (camera shutter clicks) Hey, come join me. (chuckles) Me? Yeah, you. Come on... -What? No. -Come on. (Amber laughing) Okay. Who you sending that selfie to? I just started seeing someone. Mmm! Yeah? It's completely crazy, and I don't know where it's going, but we just have that twinkle, you know? Right. I do know. You know what? I think the best thing to do is just not think about it too hard. As long as it works, it doesn't really matter why. KATE: Hey! (laughing) (slurring) -Oh, God. -(laughter) (laughing loudly) (sighs) # Life's cut too deep and left you hurting. # The future you had hoped for is now burning. # And the dreams you had in time have lose their meaning. # And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing. # You're gonna make it. # You're gonna make it. # The night can only last for so long. # Whatever you're facing, # if your heart is breaking, # there's a promise from the one to just hold on. # Lift up your eyes # and see, # the sun is rising. # The sun is rising. # The sun is rising. # The sun is rising. # Every high and every low you're gonna go through, # you don't have to be afraid; I am with you. # In the moments, you're so weak, you feel like stopping, # Let the hope you have light the road you're walking. # You're gonna make it. # You're gonna make it. # The night can only last for so long. # Whatever you're facing, # if your heart is breaking, # there's a promise from the one to just hold on. # Lift up your eyes # and see # The sun is rising. # # There's gonna be some raining Sunday, # wishing, one day, # I'll # see you # again. # # I'll see you # again. # # Start spreading the news. # I'm leaving today. # I want to be # apart of it, # New York, New York. # Hi. Can I help you? I can help you. Mark King to see Miss Whitten. LYDIA: Mark? Hi. Are you the famous Mark? Well, I must be. -And you are? -Lydia. -Lydia. -I get it. Things are coming into focus. Good things, I hope. Yeah, yeah, of course. Miss Whitten asked if you wouldn't mind waiting in the conference room. -Uh... -Right this way. (chuckles anxiously) # ...top of the list, # King of the Hill, # A-number one! # (groans) Mmm-mmm-mmm. Hi, Mark. Oh, no. (anxious laugh) AMBER: Hi, Mark. Oh, boy. This is awkward. I want a divorce, Mark. No. Don't do this, Kate. I love you. It's too late for that. Please don't do this. Have I made mistakes? Yes. Big ones. Huge ones. Okay, but when you sleep with that many people, it's not a mistake, honey, it's pathological. It is, but we can work it out. I can change. You can help me change. How many were there, Mark? Affairs? You're looking at it. Okay, one more. A couple, maybe. Uh... I don't know, three? (sighs) Five, maybe. What do you want me to say? I-I-I get more ass than a toilet seat. I'm insecure. I have issues. But it's not like I cared about any of them. They-they were all flings, and they knew it. (clears throat) Except for Carly. We-we were exclusive. AMBER: You told me you were getting a divorce, and that we were moving to Tuscany. I did say that, but nothing I ever told you was true. Mark, you're a real piece of shit. KATE and AMBER: Yeah. And no matter how many women you sleep with, or how many cars or clothes you buy, nothing will ever be enough to fill up that hole inside of you -where something real should be. -Yeah... it's big. You are an empty man. KATE: Mm-hmm. CARLY: If you weren't as disgusting as you were, I probably would've never known that I needed to change. -Mm-hmm. -I realized that with you. You're so much better now, though. -Thank you. -You're so much better. CARLY: Anyway, speaking of changes... What is this? CARLY: Divorce papers. We valued everything you own, Mark, and that number at the bottom is your joint net worth. You girls think you're gonna shake me down for all my money, you're crazy. Not all, just half. That's what equal partners get, 50 percent. AMBER: Although we did have to significantly reduce your share. Whoa, whoa... whoa, whoa, whoa, what-what is this? Why does it say zero? Why is that even on here? You mean the money you stole from ServiceCircuit? I don't know anything about that. KATE: Yeah, it's funny. Neither did I, but apparently, I'm the CEO. I'm the CEO of several companies, actually, but sadly, I had to empty those accounts. -So you're broke. -E-E-Empty? Empty what? What are you... What are you talking about? -How did you... -CARLY: We looked, that's how. That's what happens when you piss people off. Well, uh, so what? You-you robbed me. You three girls, you robbed me. No way. I don't buy it. You don't have it in you to rip me off. No way. -Are you sure about that? -Yes. Didn't you notice our skin? -That nice Bahamian glow? -It was incredible, -but he didn't even notice. -It was. Husbands, I swear. Honestly, Katie, I don't know what the hell's going on with you. Hmm. But for your sake, I hope you're lying, 'cause your signature's the one that's all over those contracts. You're the one that liable, so don't threaten me, honey, because if you did empty those accounts, you're the one that's going down, not me. We thought you might say that, but then Carly explained to me a concept called restitution. Think of it as payback. I mean, that's how we framed it with Nick. -(intercom beeps) -Oh, you-you framed it with Nick? Oh, you included Nick. Bullshit! Now I know you're... Hey, Nick! Hey, man. I... What? I... I don't know what they told you. They're having some kind of group breakdown here. They didn't tell me anything, Mark. They showed me. It's over. I'm gonna get my ideas direct from the factory from now on. What? From-from her? What is this? This some kind of joke? What-what-what, you're firing me now? Firing you? That's the least of it. The only reason you're not going to prison is because your wife gave all the money back. What? Oh, no. No, no, no, no. You're all lying. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. Global bullshit. I call bullshit! Bullshit! My wife's not some criminal mastermind! She needs freaking brain camp! That's-that's my money! Oh! -(thuds) -(grunts) (gasping) (groans) You know what, Mark? You're not a very nice person. Shut up! (panting) -Mister... -Get away, get away, get away! (receptionist shouts, thuds) (Mark types rapidly) That can't be right; it's a trick. It's a trick. No! -(gasping) -No! No! No! No! No! That's my money! (panting) You won't get away with this. You won't get away with this! (groans) (Lydia giggles) (coughs) (groaning) (harsh laugh) Oh... Excuse me. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey, buddy! I'm here! I'm here! Stop! -It's already hooked. -No, no... Come on, it's barely in the red. It's already in the air, guy. That's a $300,000 car, asshole! Well, I guess you can afford it, then. Welcome to New York. You get back here! You... You... See? Fuck this! Fuck this...! Fuck...! You son of a...! (screams) Oh, could this day get any worse?! Really?! What? Next time, call a plumber. # Gold teeth, Grey Goose, trippin' in the bathroom. # Bloodstains, ballgowns, trashing the hotel room. # -CARLY: There she is! -Hi! Hi. Hi! You, too! Hi! What a cute dress. Thank you. Hmm! Hi. CARLY: Can I make a toast? Here's to having friends, friends that love -every part of you. -AMBER: And even though it brought us together, let's never sleep with the same guy again. -CARLY: Good idea. Never. -Ever. -Never. -Cheers. -Love you guys. # I'm coming # out. # I'm coming. # I'm coming. # out. # Oh, # yes. # I'm coming out. # I want my girls to know # it's time we take control. # I'm coming out. # I want my girls to know # it's time we take control. # I'm coming. # For too long, I put up with your lies # and your lamest alibis. No more, no more. # For too long, you kept me in the dark. # I won't let you break my heart. No more, mo more. #