1 IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2015 (CAR RADIO PLAYS) (MUSIC STOPS) (THUD!) Ow! (GROANS) (FEEBLE SQUEAK!) Despite all the warnings, she was smoking in bed and fell asleep. (LAUGHS) Bad move! And the fire begins. It's show time. Aaaaaagh! Don't worry, ma'am! I'm here to save you! Keep those people back! This is an emergency! (FEEBLE SQUEAK!) Don't you dare die on me! (SQUEAKING) Breathe, damn it, breathe! She's gonna make it! She's gonna make it! What the...? (GASPS) Aaaaaargh! Damn! Rick, wait up! > Though it may be hard to believe that a single biology professor making in excess of $17,500 a year could find time to grade your first biology research papers, I did. As you can see, there was a shocking statistical anomaly. Pretty much all of you got As. (CHATTERING / CHEERING) Congratulate yourselves. I got a real good feeling about this group. The parade of As will continue to the end of the semester. So much for the Bell curve, right? Bell curves suck, man! (CHEERING) Mr Kane? Mr Kane? There seems to be a mistake here. My brother and I each got a C minus. C minus. Me, too. Allow me to share something with the entire class. As I was grading papers I came across two gems both entitled Cells Are Bad. Both with just one paragraph, which I unfortunately committed to memory. "Cells are bad." "My uncle lives in a cell. It's 10 foot by 12 and he reads the same boring magazine every day." "The end." (LAUGHTER) You're talking about our papers, aren't you, Dr Kane? Yes, I am. And although my standards are nowhere near where they used to be, I couldn't put an A on those. I hope you understand. Sure. Yeah, OK. OK, let's get back to work on the periodic table, which is not... A meteor? Where? Uh-huh. Route 89A. Yeah, yeah. Got it. (LAUGHS) Rest assured, I will be there. OK. Bye. So, how's it look, Professor? It's tight. Er, really, really tight, Nadine. But not too tight. You just don't have the points. Don't take it too hard. Geology's tougher than people think. Are you sure? Could you check again? I need this for nursing school. Nursing school? Wouldn't you prefer a different profession? One where lives were not dependent on you? Actually, what I want to be is Miss Arizona. My pageant consultant says nursing school will impress the judges. I'll look like I want to help people. Ready for lunch? Or... have you already eaten? I was just concluding a teacher student conference with Nadine, Ira. Harry, your dedication to your job is an inspiration to us all. Regrettably, I have a prior lunch engagement with Professor Kane. We'll discuss your extra credit later, OK? Cheer up. Let me grab my stuff. Where are you taking me? Meteor hit last night. That's what that was? Yep. As Glen Canyon's rep for the US Geological Survey I must check it. I'm taking you in case I have to do something scientific. Then we eat. You're with the USGS? I signed up over the Internet. You were on some cheerleader site and got linked to the USGS site? Something like that. Watch it. Take it easy. That's my baby. Take it easy. Whoa! Come on! Be careful! Who's gonna pay for the damage to my damn car?! I told you, we don't do that. It's force majeure. Force majeure, my ass! That car's a classic '73 Buick Riv. Hey! Who are you? Harry Block, United States Geological Survey. My secretary, Ira Kane. We're here to investigate the meteor if that is what it is. Of course it is. It almost blew up my car. Why were you here at night? With Betty Lou here. I was practising for my fireman's exam, which started 7 minutes ago. I'd appreciate it if you'd let me go. You and the blonde found the meteor? Yeah, I found it. It bounced my car 200 feet in the air. OK. Can I go? Bob, get him out of here. Don't leave town. Well, Sheriff, is this the, er, point of penetration? It punched through into a cavern about 80 feet down. (WHISTLES) Now that's a hole! Damn it! Next time, you carry the case. You're the USGS representative. That responsibility comes with the badge. Oh, my God. Look at that. I believe we've located the target. Two big smiles, fellas. > Cheese! OK, hold it up now. Right. Oh! Got it. Ooh, it's really hot. I'll hold you up. Show a little more night stick. Look at these jackasses. Give me big smiles, fellas! Looking good. At ease, gentlemen! The feds are here. Feds? What feds? Who let you down here? Let's not get combative. The USGS and law enforcement have a long history of co-operation. We're here to collect some scientific samples. If that's OK. Yeah. Sure. We got all the, er, photographic evidence we need. Carry on. Thank you. Keep up the good work. Wow. It just hit last night and it's got stuff growing on it. Could be cave moss. After just a few hours? That's peculiar. Let's get a sample and get out of here. It's bleeding. It's a rock that... bleeds. Now that's... really peculiar. Let's bag it. I dunno if this Geological Society gig is all it's cracked up to be. I mean, yeah, it pads out my resume, but am I growing as a person? Am I growing as a Division 3 women's volleyball coach? You gonna do a spectro thingy test it says to do in the guide book? Spectrograph. Yeah, I will do a full spectroscopic analysis. Your resume will shine. I gotta get to the game. Let me know if you find anything. Ira, are you sure you can handle this by your lonesome? Alright. That's impossible. 10 base pairs. That can't be. We need this! We need this! Come on, ladies. Look alive up here! Tina! When Lisa goes for the spike, you've gotta cover the line! Lisa! Two hands, OK? Harry! God gave you two hands for a reason! Big news. The most amazing thing. The meteor samples are teeming with one-celled organisms. They're dividing at an incredible rate. It's practically exponential. Their DNA has 10 base pairs. 10 base pairs. That's good to know. Thank you. Harry, the DNA of all life on earth has only 4 base pairs. Come on, ladies! Look alive! Harry these are organisms from another world. They're aliens. Is the Nobel Prize paid in instalments or in a lump sum? Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Here, my office. I'm not. I'm concerned about the potential tax consequences. Why in here? I just want to be a little cautious. It's our discovery. I'm all tingly. Wow. I'm no biologist, but how many cells do single-celled organisms have? If we're gonna be big important scientists, you have to act the part. Why don't you take a look? There are multi-cellular organisms in there. Ha-ha-ha! Yes, I know. They weren't there before. They snuck in. No. It's... No. It's too amazing. It's like they're evolving. They're growing. They're growing into more complex organisms. It's evolution. Nobel, here we come. Yeah, but it's 200 million years' worth in just a few hours. That's fast. You have no idea. 1 Get ready! (SNORES) On my signal! Go! (ALL) Go! Go! Go! Go! Recruit, wake up. Wake up!! (GASPS) Go! Go, go, go! The hose! This thing here! Sorry. Move it! Move it! Move it! Wayne, go! Go, go! Come on! Ooh! Ooh! Buddy, these things happen. There's another test in 6 months. 6 months? I can't wait 6 months! Well, at least you got the pool gig at the country club. Great. Thanks a lot. (SIGHS) Drive careful. I got it. I got it! Looks like we got some visitors. Since this is our first field trip, I want you to obey some simple rules. Eugh, dirt. Nice footwear. Perfect for spelunking. Don't touch anything. Don't move anything. Wear your protective gloves at all times. Why are we doing this? First-hand field experience. The meat and potatoes of geology. Will this be on the final? Yes. Officer, nice to see you again. What's up? We came to pick up the rock. Pick it up? What? Just orders from the USGS. They want it under controlled conditions. It's very technical. Oh, technical stuff. It's technical. OK. Go right ahead. We'll just haul it out. Sure. Deke? Danny? Remember what we discussed? You're in charge of hoisting. Get the winch to the hole. Fellas? Stop nodding and just stare at me for a second, OK? Focus. You understand what I want you to do? Yeah. We gotcha. Go do it. Ira, I'm picking up a heavy creepy vibe here. Yeah, a lot has changed. I know these look like mushrooms, but please refrain from eating them. It smells disgusting. Nadine, sometimes science stinks. It's the game we play, baby. Rotten egg smell. Hydrogen sulfide, right? Yeah. With ammonia and methane. It's converting the atmosphere. Look at all this rudimentary plant life. It's amazing. Not to get all girly, but I feel something wiggling around my toes. The ground does seem to be moving. Whoa! (GASPS) Flatworms. Millions of them! Eeeew! (ALL SQUEAL) Barely 18 hours and we already have flatworms. Look. There they are! Hi, Dr Kane! Oh! I almost went down on that one! That was awesome. Come here, little buddy. I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm not gonna hurt you. You didn't hurt it, you killed it. The oxygen must have killed it. It must need its own atmosphere to live. Grab a specimen jar. We'll scoop some atmosphere in there with them. It took us 2 billion years to do what they did in a couple of days. Yeah. Those little germs are the embodiment of the American dream. I'm sorry to interrupt, Professor Block. Am I correct in assuming that that field trip fulfilled some of my missing credits? Nadine, you are a very, very smart girl. If you would just focus... Professor, the little wiggly worm things in there are breaking. Ira, look. It's not breaking. It's splitting. It's mitosis. That's how they reproduce. No sex? No time for sex. Bummer. These guys are splitting again. Put it away. We call no-one, we tell no-one. This is our secret. What about the government? It's the kind of thing they get involved in. No government. I know those people. You do? Look, this is our discovery. We have to maintain absolute control. We have to do more research. Check our findings. Document everything. Hey, Wayne? What's this? That would be an all-cotton towel, sir. I believe a Fieldcrest. Why is a damp towel on my chaise? OK. Let me go take care of this for you. You should, as pool manager. If anyone knows what to do about dampness on my chair, it's you. "You know what to do with the towels cos you're the pool boy." What the hell? Where did you guys come from? You're dead now. Whoa! What the...?! OK. Hey, Harry, when I checked the samples this morning I found 3 different subspecies. They're evolving so quickly. God knows what we're gonna find now. Please tell me there's an air show today. Damn. Ah, shit. Can I help you? Harry Block, Ira Kane, United States Geological Society. We're doing research. It's our site. I'm sorry, not any more. You're not on the list. What do you mean? We come here all the time. This is not a nightclub. I know my rights. You can't tell - Harry! Harry! Maybe you can call your superior. We can have a word with him. I have a Harry Block and an Ira Kane here. Punk. What? You gotta know how to talk to the white man. I'll whup his ass. White man's very sensitive. Ira Kane? Yeah. The Ira Kane? Yeah. I've been looking forward to this. You bastard! You're history! Hey! Hey! You're done! Get his gun! Take it easy! You're responsible for the worst month of my life! What the hell was that about? I don't know. Drive to the command tent. They're expecting you. Go. Thank you. That guy had me in diapers for over a month! Let me go! General Woodman's expecting you. Russell Woodman? (CHUCKLES) Ira. What an unexpected surprise. For me, too. I didn't realise we were on a hugging basis. Same old Ira Kane. And you must be? Harry Block, this is General Russell Woodman, head of US Army Research. So, you two know each other? Ira used to work for me. Right, Ira? I worked with you, actually. You worked in Army Research in the Pentagon? All this time. I thought you were just a school teacher. No. How did you find out about this? You leave the Pentagon, you don't call. We like to keep tabs on our prodigal sons. So, you tapped my phone? No. We're not the KGB. We've been monitoring your computer. His computer? All those girls in the photos are over 18. Yes, I'm sure. I should've figured. You should've known not to keep this from us. And the CDC. Just in time. This is Allison Reed, senior researcher in epidemiology at the CDC. Nice underwear. A garter belt, at a day function? I can do it. Thank you very much. I'm OK. I'm OK. Dr Kane. I'd heard you were reckless, but you were way out of line on this one. Do you realise how dangerous this could've become? Nice to meet you. No need to play the blame game, Allison. No harm, no foul. We're very appreciative of the discovery made by Dr Kane, Mr Black. Block. I'm sorry. Confirming life exists elsewhere... Would be the greatest discovery of our time. Yes, actually. You have my word you'll be kept in the loop from this point forward. You son of a bitch. Kept in the loop? We are the loop. We do need to take control. We're following protocol, Ira. You remember protocol? I got some protocol for you here. The fact is, this research must continue under government control. We've secured the area. We're constructing a state of the art field research facility. So there's not much for the science department of Glen Canyon Community College to do here. You hear that condescending tone? We're following federal guidelines. Russell, please. We deserve to be here. You deserve to be here? You're lucky anyone's ever let you near a science lab again. You're a disgrace and a dangerous one at that. Lieutenant? Show these men out. This is horse shit. It's not over. You're in for a fight, Russell. Would you stop following me? Thank you. We won't bend over and take this! Fruit basket for Russell Woodman! Happy holidays, General! Cute. Are you asking me to bar the federal government from involvement in a discovery as significant as this one? No. We're asking you to ensure the scientists who made the discovery continue to play a significant role. They've kept us out for 2 weeks. We risked our lives for these little guys, Your Majesty. We wanna be there for them as they grow up. We were first at the meteor site. The initial testing was done in our lab. Glen Canyon's facilities are a joke. They weren't when I went there. Your Honour, if the court would allow me to depose Dr Kane? Depose me? Your past is very relevant, Dr Kane. These issues speak directly to his competence as a scientist. Dr Kane, you were a top level researcher from '94 to '97, were you not? That's correct. You were summarily dismissed in the summer of 1997. Any idea why? My services were no longer required? So your firing had nothing to do with an experimental anthrax vaccine you developed and administered to 140,000 US soldiers in May of that year? (I see where you're going with this.) It may have been a factor. You'd have to ask the Chiefs of Staff. I'll do that. Can you tell me what happened to the soldiers who were inoculated? None of them got anthrax, if that's what you're asking. (CHUCKLES) What did they get? Er,... Well, as with any new vaccine there were certain side effects. Could you be more specific? It's technical. I'd hate to waste the court's time with it. Humour me. Some, uh,... debilitating stomach cramps. Severe diarrhoea. Memory loss. Yes. Go on. Any more symptoms? Partial facial paralysis, temporary blindness, drooling, bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction, uncontrollable flatulence. I think that's it. One more question. Do you remember what the soldiers called this illness? Yeah. They called it the Kane Madness. Keep your head up. You know she wants to give you some. Were you even in that court room? Getting barbecued like baby-back ribs? It's all foreplay. Oh, we've been hit. Forget the foreplay. We just got screwed. Empty. Bad. This is very, very bad. I don't care who they are! Stealing is stealing! Perfect(!) They took the rock, the samples, all the little wormy critters. All the data's gone, the files, the DNA sequences. They cleaned us out. I'm calling the cops. The cops? They are the cops! Then what? Let me ask you something. How come you're a colonel and I'm a private? I was a colonel. And you served with distinction. It's safer. Penalty for impersonating an officer is 5 years in prison. Maybe for you, white boy. Me, they hang. Colonels first. We been out here for 12 hours. My toes are starting to hurt. (CHATTERING) Stop it. Just act like you belong. Don't worry, I got this. Pick up that butt, soldier. Sorry, sir. And tuck that shirt in. (Get the door.) Thank you, Private Don't get used to this. (CHATTERING) Whoa-whoa. Look at that. Enjoy your lunch, gentlemen. Your girlfriend, 11 o'clock. Darn it. The woman's a menace. Testing, one, two. One, two. One, one, one, two. This is DJ Harry Block and I'm an Aquarius. Stop it. I can hear you. Don't snap or you'll have an angry Solid Gold dancer on your hands. Lieutenant? Excuse me. Yeah? Who's that? I don't know. I have nothing on my schedule. Maybe the guys from sector 12 are doing a nocturnal specimen run. You know how those guys are. Oh, yeah. This place has changed. Can you believe this? Harry, look at that. Our little babies are growing up. 3 weeks and it's already like a rain forest in here. Eugh! Looks like the kitchen from my first apartment. Hey, Harry, check that guy out. Is it coming or going? (SCREECHING) The tree just ate it. Everything here seems to be food for something else, so let's stay off the menu. You got that right. (CRUNCHING) Oops. Ira! Look at these little things. Cool. Snag one. Snag one? Yeah. Put it in the bucket. I seen this movie. The black dude dies first. You snag it. We came for a specimen, so snag one. He won't hurt you. He's turned away. He's eating. Come on. Come on, my little red lobster. Come on, my sexy little crustacean. Come on. (BOTH) Whoa! Ira, look at that backside. That's the kind of trunk space you want in a late model car. Who does that remind you of? I have no idea what you're talking about. She's been throwing it at you enough. Dr Reed? Bull's-eye. Excuse me. Dr Reed? Did you authorise a walk through? No. Why? You should probably take a look at something. Here. "That's the kind of rump you'd like to roast." "Nice image. And I appreciate your assumption that there is an actual sexual human being underneath all Dr Reed's deep-seated neuroses." "But I don't think so." "What?" "I think she is a humourless ice queen." "Ira, that's just a cover." "All she needs is a good humping." "Oh, Ira. Ira!" "Oooh!" "Harry, stop that." "We gotta get some of the asteroid. Cut that out." "Ooh." "Don't do that." I'm not doing it. Cut it out. I'm just walking. Ira! Let's bag that and get the hell out of here. Ready when you are. This disco suit is making me chafe. Shoo, fly. Hey! Hold it right there. Dr Reed, so nice to see you. We were just leaving. You've violated court orders. Talk about violations? What about our lab? Anybody got a can of Raid? What do you mean? You stole our hard drive, our samples, our files. I didn't steal anything. Your buddies cleaned us out. No, we didn't. Damn right. You want credit for our discovery. We just want what's rightfully ours. I'm concerned with public safety. Is this true, Flemming? Absolutely not. There's something in my suit. You're not going to believe him! Something's in my suit. Harry, what?! Ira, there's something in my suit! But it's sealed. The fly! There's a fly in my suit! Oh, God! Don't take off your helmet! Turn up the oxygen! It'll kill it! Do you see it? Look, look! Do you see it? No. No? No. You're alright. Who's the man? You're the man. No, you're the man! You're the man! (PANTS) (SCREAMS) It's in me! (SCREAMS) For the love of God, get this goddamn thing out of me! You'll be OK! Cut him open, let's get this thing. Cut me open?! Forget a Christmas gift, Judas! It's moving down his leg! What now? We might have to amputate. Doc, don't take the leg! Don't let them take my leg! Is there anything else you can do? Doctor, look. Oooh! It's heading for his testicles. Take it! Take it! Take the leg! Wait! No, no, no, no! It's going the other way. Give me forceps. I'll catch it in his colon. How you going in? Rectally. Noooo! I'll get lubricant. No time. There's always time for lubricant! Flip him! OK, here we go. You gotta try to relax. It'll be OK. I'll shove this gurney up your ass! Cheek spreader. I'm going in. No. Don't clench. Don't clench. You're so brave. A little more. No more! A little deeper. No... deeper! Squeeze my hand. Almost there. Open up. Breathe. (PANTS) I'm breathing! Almost there. You're there! (STRAINS) Got it! It's over. It's over. It just died. Don't you ever do that again! Whoa! It's OK. It was like this. You took it like a man. You did great. Can we get you anything? Ice cream. I'd like an ice cream, please. What flavour? It doesn't matter. It's for my ass. # "Baby Come On Over" - Samantha Mumba # Take a piece of my heart # And go from the start # Baby, come on over tonight... # Man! Now I'm a Hawaiian warrior? I'm thinking seriously about moving, maybe to California. Start over. Because of the fireman thing? Big deal. You flunked out. You know how many times I've flunked in my life? A ton. Hey, pool boy, you watering down the mai tais? No, sir. Let me fix you something special. Because you're nothing but a big, fat monkey turd. Excuse me? Your drink's almost ready. There you go. That should tide you over. # Baby, come on over tonight # We can make it alright # Boy, there's no-one like you # Do you feel it, too? # And don't forget, folks. That's what you get, folks. For making whoopee. (HUMS) (HUMS) Oh! Damn it! That's gonna stain. (HUMS) (Barry!) Barry, where are you? I can't see you? Where are you? I'm down here, my pet, by the water. (YELLING) (SCREAMS) (YELLS) (GROWLS) (SCREAMING) Oh, God! Something just ate Barry Cartwright! That's too bad. I don't get it. How does someone with your background credentials and talent end up... ..like you? Thank you. Harry could've died. What were you thinking? I was desperate. I've been exiled here in Arizona for 5 years, watching the world pass by and this amazing discovery falls in my lap. It's my ticket out of here. But I don't suppose that you understand that. How could I? I'm a humourless ice maiden in need of a good humping. You heard that? Loud and clear. Don't think you know so much about me. You don't. I'm sure I don't. Thank you for not calling the cops. Oooh! Oh! Be careful! Stop being such a baby. We've seen that car before. No more bran for me. Hey, girls. Cut it out. Hey, it's the meteor guy. What's in the bag, your blow-up doll? No. I got something you're really gonna like. What happened to you? Shut up. You guys teach here? Yeah. I was thinking about taking classes but I decided to hit the job market early, get a jump start on things. Can we help you? Yeah. A guy got killed at my country club last night. A real douchebag, but that just doesn't make it right, you know? It was an animal attack. Isn't that something? It happened on the 4th green. Lady he was banging saw the whole thing. We chased this round the fairway, then it died in a sand trap. It just died? How? Like it was choking to death. (COUGHS / CHOKES) You know? Stopped breathing. It's like nothing I ever saw before. I thought you might wanna see it. What is this? > (CHATTERING / LAUGHING) Jill, you've got some kind of infestation here. You have a serious bug problem. What? (ALL) Eeew! Jill? There's something in your closet. (BANGING / SMASHING) Open the door, Grace. Me? It's your house. Hey. When did you guys get a dog? We don't have a damn dog. I don't think that's a dog. It's like some kind of rodent. Or a muskrat or a pig. Well, how the hell did it get in here? It doesn't look too healthy. Well, it's frightened. (CHILDISH VOICE) Look, he can barely breathe, he's so scared. Come on, cutie pie. Don't be afraid. Come on. That's a good boy... (GROWLS) (ALL SCREAM) Yes! 911. (SCREAMING) What the hell is that thing? (DEFLATING NOISE) Thanks. Pick me up in an hour. No, 2. An hour and a half would be good. Thanks. Hi. Do you have any messages for me? 2 single beds, please. We're fighting. Ira, come on. I'm tired. I've had 2 hours of sleep. I gotta take a shower. They're spreading. You talking about the golf course? We sent a team out there 2 hours ago. Too bad you missed a 5 foot amphibian that's lying dead in my lab. They're adapting. We gotta shut it down. We can handle this. I used to be arrogant like you. We're both aware of what that led to. Take me seriously, Allison. I do take you seriously. Then you gotta talk to Woodman cos he won't listen to me. We gotta kill these things while we still can. (PING!) Alright. I'll discuss it with him but I can't promise you anything. Oh, just one more thing. Yeah? Do you think you could ever be attracted to me? Bye, Ira. It's just food for thought. She's mine. I've been a professor for going on 4 years now, but I'm hoping this alien broo-ha-ha will net me an honorary doctorate. Are you gonna finish that bacon? Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. I ordered it, didn't I? So, about the coaching of girl's volleyball... Uh-huh? Do you ever get to see them take showers? All the time. Sometimes I shower with them. You're kidding me, right? Hey. So? She's gonna talk to Woodman. Oh, thank goodness. Thank you. I'm OK. Level with me, fellas,... ..is there some sort of alien... attack happening here? We don't know. Excuse me, can I borrow your cream? Hi, Denise. Hello, Ira. Still setting the world on fire? Ow! That's Ira's ex, with the cop. What's with the police escort? You're not under arrest? That's funny. This is my friend, Sam. He's about to make detective. I know Sam. Congratulations. You can look into my missing shirts. She walked out with 2 of my shirts. I'm not, er, up on the law, you know, of law enforcement. Is it against the law when you walk out of somebody's house... Fine. No, no, no! You want your shirt, take it! You must be cold. Is that it? Why should I get to wear the shirt when it's your shirt?! It's amazing how many women open their shirt to him. I'm sure he'll let you borrow the shirt for today. Isn't that right? "We got a code 12-72." 12-72? That's an animal attack. 10-99 responding. I gotta go, babe. Oh? They're calling. Careful out there! You'll take care of the check? Yeah. I want those shirts back, Denise. You gotta admit, this animal attack has kind of an ominous feel to it. Check it out? Check it out. Alright! Looks like we're under the microscope here. Let's be very systematic and subtle in what we do. No cowboy stuff. Hey, professionals. Officer Johnson? Alright, fellas, what are you doing here? We heard about the animal attack. We're here to ascertain if there's any health risk here. You know what? No. Not this time. Forget about it. You didn't touch it with your hands? That would be serious. You did? That's not good. He shouldn't have. What do we do? I don't know. OK. Why don't you guys come on in and take a look? I'll be checking things out round here, in this vicinity. Oh! This dog is all ass. Gee, Ira, look at this, man. It would've come from in here, right? It's used for storage and access under the house. Looks like he crawled right through the dirt. Guys? (CLEARS THROAT) I was conducting a parameter check. There's something you better see. If you guys like that thing, you're gonna love this. Oh. Great google-moogle! What'd I tell you? (GROWLING) See, they're crawling out. They're trying to breathe in our atmosphere. Unfortunately, they haven't been able to adapt yet. Hey, Ira? Yeah? I think I know how these things got here. How? This entire area's just a honeycomb of caves and old mine shafts. If memory serves, the cave system starts a few miles from here, west of the golf course. Runs into the foot hills, continues down to the Khyber Plateau. goes right into Lake Powell. Our cave... is smack bang in the middle of the system. It's all connected. Could you repeat that? I'm impressed. Beneath this calm, sexy exterior beats the heart of a true scientist. Guys, that one's moving! (GROWLS) What the hell is it doing? I think it's trying to breathe. (GROWLS) Ugh! That's like a big loogie! (ROARS) Mazel tov. It's a boy! It's oxygen tolerant. (SQUEALS) It's flying away. Is that a bad thing? Only if you're a human being. 1 Do you know how much I hate shopping? We need to find you something for Thanksgiving. I have enough clothes. Tony, I think that colour is great on you. (CAWS) (GROANS) (SCREAMS) (CAR HORN) I think this might be the place. Ever used one of these before? Just cos I'm a teacher don't make me a pussy. Ladies, there's a flying extraterrestrial in the store. Can we focus? (SINGING) (BANGING) I'm in here. Just a minute. (BANGING) Just a second, please! (BANGING) I said, just a second. Bitch! (BANGING) How would you like me to scratch the eyes out of your skull? (SCREAMS) (ROARS) (SNIFFS) Here, birdie birdie birdie birdie birdie! Birdie! Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-caw! Ca-caw. Ca-caw. (Ca-caw.) Alright. If I was a giant nasty alien bird in a department store, where would I be? Lingerie. Not you, the bird. Lingerie. Help-p-p-p-p! You go low. I'm going high. Got it. (WESTERN MUSIC) We're never gonna find this damn thing. I lost him! How do you lose a 20-foot-bird in a mall? Ira, I don't know. What do we do now? (FEEDBACK) Ca-caw! Ca-caw? Ca-caw? Ha-ha-hee-hee-tookie-tookie-tookie- tookie-ca-caw-ca-caw-ca-caw! Wayne! We've established that "ca-caw" and "tookie-tookie" don't work. Right. Sorry. Alright. So, what do you say, Ira? Pack it in? # You are # so beautiful # to me # Step back, Harry. I'm going to shoot him. No. Stand down. I'm gonna kill this one myself. Give me a chance. I'm communicating here. # You are # so beautiful # to me... Wayne, would you please stop? Because you are embarrassing me. # Can't you see-e-e-e-e-e-e? # You're everything... (CAWING) # You're everything that I hoped for... (ROARS) It's working. Sing. Rub some funk on it. # And you're everything I need... (ROARS) # You are so beautiful... Here he comes! You grab the girl, I'll get the bird. Got it. # You are so beautiful # to me # (COCKS GUN) Yeah! Look out! (APPLAUSE) Alright! Nice shot! I am so sorry. I promise. I swear to God I will never shoplift again. Good. So, what do you want, light meat or dark? You have to ask(?) (GROWLS) It's dead now. Yep. # "Play That Funky Music, White Boy" - Wild Cherry # Once I was a boogie singer (ALL) # Got to start to feeling so low # And I decided quickly # Yes, I did # To disco down and check out the show # And they were dancing and singing # and moving to the grooving # And just when it hit me # somebody turned around and shouted # Play that funky music, white boy # Play that funky music # I'm standing at the edge of the Valley Vista Housing Community where just below me there are dozens of giant odd-looking dead creatures. We stress that we've received no official word from... This ugly tentacle thing come out of the ground and tried to grab my private parts. I batted it away. It got my hand. There's anxiety and confusion in Glen Canyon. We stand outside the state capitol building awaiting any comment from the Governor concerning the nature and origin of these creatures. Governor Lewis, this way. Why wasn't I informed? And why do we have aliens crawling all the state? I've got 400 meat-picking media vultures camped outside my office. They know more about this than I do! I should throw you lot in prison. Not that cushy federal place with jump suits. But with crotch binders! I'm sorry, there were some earlier security breaches made by Dr Kane. Wait a minute. Excuse me. Excuse me. That's not exactly true, General Woodman! The Governor's question was directed at me! Put a plug in it! No more bureaucratic crapola. I wanna know how bad this thing is. It's bad, Governor. According to the new ground sensors and the satellite thermal scans, they indicate a potential problem. I don't know how to read all this! What problem? Somebody take this bag of snakes and lay them out straight. Allow me. And you are? Dr Reed. Carla, would you mind? The red markings indicate the growth of the alien ecosystem. Unless we act immediately, we will lose Glen Canyon in three days. Great merciful Christ! In a week, the rest of Arizona. Then, the entire Southwest. In two months, the United States officially belongs to them. And we are extinct. You gotta be shitting me! Come on, admit it. You're glad to see us, huh? I for one am glad to see you. Call the MP's. Have them arrested. We blew a giant alien bird out of a store. We're covering up your mess. Dr Ira Kane, chairman of the science department, Glen Canyon College. This is my associate. Harry Block, adjunct professor of geology. Voted for you. Wayne Grey. Took some chemistry in high school. You two are the original discoverers of the phenomena, correct? Yes. Yes. Yes, and they're also responsible for the mess we're in. Here we go. They broke in and breached our safety procedures. Causing the dissemination of aliens. Liar, liar, pants on fire! Criminal charges are in order! Bullshit! Shut up! All of you! My state is being overrun by vicious aliens. Now you're the experts. I wanna know now and I wanna know quick. How the hell do we deal with this? This is an outline of the infected area as of this afternoon. Governor, my plan is to evacuate everyone from within five miles of the perimeter. You're talking about 10,000 people. Yes, sir. We evacuate, make it safe, then burn the alien menace the hell out of there. With what? With napalm. Lots and lots of napalm. Napalm? Why don't you just nuke them? What about nukes? Nobody's dropping an H-bomb on my state! All this talk about napalm makes me nervous. It should. We've no idea how they'd react. Governor, it's time for a military solution. This will work. General? What? Sorry to interrupt. You'd better take a look at this. What?! What? You called me out for this? Sir, one of the creatures just destroyed video four. What's going on down there? My God! They've evolved into primates. (GASPS) That's a face for radio. They just took out six and seven. All the monitors are down! That can't be good(!) (RUMBLING) That's the elevator. We have no personnel down there. They breached the airlock. What, the fuzzy no-nose chimp?! Call for backup. (ALARM) They're coming through the elevator! They're coming through the elevator! Cover the elevator! Give me a side arm. Stay behind me! Get the hell off me! I want to see! Be prepared to fire. It's empty, sir. (ROARS) The Governor! The Governor! Don't shoot! Help me! Ahhh! Ahhh! (ROARS) Do something! Hold your fire. You'll get somebody killed. Nice shot. I'll take that now. General, you have my full support to do whatever you need to do. However much fire power it takes. Melt the place down to beaded glass. Just get these hell-blown creatazoids outta my state! Thank you, Governor. I'll be ready by noon tomorrow. Good. Where have you two been? I was getting out of the way. Science project is over. I want you and your people gone. Soldier, escort these men out. Yes, sir. Don't you have work to do? You are such an asshole! You know, when a woman expresses anger, it's often cos - Shut up. OK. OK. I know where the car is. (Wipe my ass, too.) Hey, guys! Got room for one more? Hell, yeah! Who wants to be deputy director of the CDC anyway? The real money's in the private sector. Are you sure about this? Oh, yeah. Listen, it may not seem like much now, but I got your research files and original samples. So, if we survive this, you guys will get the credit. Thank you. It's nothing. Let me get it. No, I got it. Oh! Sorry. Excuse me. We haven't been introduced yet. I'm Wayne Grey. I'm kind of with him. That's cool. Buckle up, Allison. We're rolling. OK. Oh, my goodness! 1 (ROCK MUSIC) "Facilities are being provided for you and your families." "Please move in an orderly fashion." They're gonna blow up the whole town. Hey! "Attention. We need to clear this area, people." "For your own safety, evacuate immediately." Arizona! It's going down, baby! Whoa! This may not be the best time to be drinking. I was your first. We found you in that cave. You were scared and alone. It was just you, me and Harry. Those were good times. So, why not level with me now? You can trust me. Just talk to me. Tell me the secret. Tell me the answer. Tell me how to kill you! You are losing it, pal. What is that stuff? The original liquid material from inside the meteor. Why hasn't it evolved? I don't know. Cos it was refrigerated and locked in an airtight case, it had nothing to metabolise with. It doesn't give us any clues to... When did you start smoking? No point to clean living any more. Whoa! These things react to fire like it was Miracle Gro. Fire. The organisms were dormant in space. They hit Earth's atmosphere and bam! Heat. Fire. That's the catalyst. If a tiny match catalyses this stuff, what'll a ton of napalm do? So much for the military option. You'd better call that dick general. That's a lot of napalm. Yes, it is. We're going to blow those damn creatures straight to hell. We'll flush them out along the mine shafts, then mop up the edges as they try to escape the flames. Excuse me. There's an urgent call from Dr Reed. She has important information about the mission. Oh, really? Well, unfortunately, I'm not available. Anything more? No, sir. He blew me off. Can you believe it? That bastard wouldn't take my call. You did call him an asshole. Dr K? We got beer! Time to party! I'll take one. Me, too. I just quit smoking. What are you boys doing here? Thought you could use a brusky. Kick back and chill. Yeah. Have a beer, relax. It'll help you with your research. Look at that thing! Can we have that when you're done with it? Fellas, thank you for the beers, but we're working. Hold it. Hold it. Look at that. What are you doing? Selenium. It could be the answer. I'm looking at the periodic table on your shirt and I'm seeing a pattern. Take off your shirt. (BOTH) Yes! No, I don't think so. We're a carbon based life form. Keep pulling. We move down here and find our poison, arsenic. The aliens are nitrogen based, right? You make the same move down and over and where do you find yourself? Selenium. Selenium. It could be their arsenic. With their metabolic rates, it'll kill them fast. OK. Selenium. How much do we need? Five hundred gallons should do it. Five hundred gallons? Yeah. I hate to be a buzzkill, but where are we gonna get that at 2am? No problem. Yeah, we can get that. Head and Shoulders. The dandruff shampoo? That's the stuff. The active ingredient is selenium sulfide. Oh. How do you know that? You don't know anything. Haven't you noticed how shiny and flake-free our hair is? OK, this is the best idea we got. Let's give it a shot. Come on. Let's do it! (BOTH) Yes! We'll get the troops. Get shampoo! I've got the perfect vehicle. Good! Donalds, you just got your A's. (BOTH) Yes! Almost full! There's something I should tell you, but I don't know how. Just say it. We're adults and we're about to die a horrible death anyway. I would have rocked your world. You already have. All full! Battle stations! (CHEERING) Can we continue this discussion later? Yes. Let's do this! Let's shampoo us some aliens! Lots of soldiers around. There's a mine half a click south of here. We'll sneak in through a cave. "Half a click"? Are you in Vietnam? Hey, I'm digging this. Work with me, baby. Work with me. It's over here! It's right here! Are you OK? I'm good. I'm good. Let's go! Let's do this. This leads to the main cavern? It leads somewhere. Geology's not an exact science. Where are you? Where are you my little aliens? Show yourself. Warm to the touch. Highly acidic. We do not have time for you to act like you know what you're doing. What happened to the respect? Woodman's going at noon. Hurry. Very good. Are the troops in place? Ahead of schedule. Excellent. We can go early. Oh, no. What is he doing here? Governor. I don't see anything burning. Where are the explosions? Just starting. I didn't know you were coming. You'd damn well better make it a good one, Sergeant. That's General. Not if you screw this up. Keeping my chair warm? Thank you. I take a pair of spyglasses and a hot chocolate. Give me the hose, Wayne. Get up top. When I give you the signal, start pumping the selenium. Got it. We're gonna spray all around the meteor then get the hell out of here as fast as we can. (GROWLS) Blue monkey. Blue monkey! Wayne, charge the line now! (EXPLOSION) Whoa! (SHRIEKS) That's the napalm! Woodman went early! Oh! (LAUGHS) Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad! Wayne, come on! OK, I'm out! Oh! We got to go! Go! Go! Faster! Get up there! Run for your life! Quite the bonfire we've got. Should have brought wieners. That can be arranged. First reports are excellent. (RUMBLING) Keep it together, Wayne. Keep it together. Oh, my God! It's coming! What's coming? Great flaming whore balls! General, look. Hurry! Drive! Go! Go! Alright! (GUNSHOTS) Fall back. Fall back! What the hell is that thing? The napalm forced an evolutionary response, just like the match did. That's evolution? Survival of the fittest. Often the simplest organism is the strongest. Guys? It's freaking out! It's starting to have some sort of spaz attack. No, that's not spazzing out. It's getting ready to divide. Mitosis. Wait. There's going to be more of these things? Yeah, a lot more. Its cycle is starting again. It's gonna go on growing and doubling until it takes over. Yeah. But we were here first. So, that Head and Shoulders idea, is that still the plan or what? I'm driving. 1 I don't care if he's on Air Force One! They've got phones on there. I don't think this is gonna wait an hour. Hey, What's that fire truck doing out there? Whoa! Mama! Can you believe this? We have to find a point of attack. There! (FARTS) Oh! Nasty! Allison, stop, stop. Right here. Here we go! Get the ladder up! Feed me the hose, Deke. Whoa! What are you doing? Going up top. Not before me. I got a major score to settle. Go, go, go! We don't have much time, guys! Hurry! Left! Left! Got it. I haven't had much practice with this thing. Stop! Stop! What's going on? I don't know. What are they doing with the ladder? Looks like they're getting ready to administer a jumbo enema. We got one shot. Let's do this. It's payback time! Phew! Keep it in there! What's it look like I'm doing?! It's working! Shit! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell...?! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Give me back my friend, you big sphincter! She's gonna blow! Stop kicking! It's horrible in here! I got you! Help me! Hold me, Ira! Don't let go! We gotta go. This thing's gonna blow! You cannot imagine what I saw! Hurry up, guys! Ira! Don't you ever tell anyone where I've been! Dear Lord. Uh-oh. Time to go. Ah! Go! Go! Whoa! Whoa! We did it! Here we go, sir. Just relax and we'll have you as good as new. I am happy to report that all remaining traces of the alien menace have now been eradicated. Using the selenium shampoo developed right here. Let me introduce our civilian scientist heroes and their team. The best the great state of Arizona has been privileged to produce. (APPLAUSE) This is your moment. You wouldn't want to miss this for anything, huh? Firstly, I would like you all to meet Wayne Grey. As of today, a fully credentialed firefighter. (I spoke to the chief.) Thanks, Governor. Now, our next hero. Harry Block, noted geologist. And the winningest coach in North Arizona women's volleyball. I appreciate that, Governor. Give it up to God. With Him, all things are possible. We just played tough, took it one alien at a time and came away with the big W. Thank you. (APPLAUSE) And finally. Doctors Ira Kane and Allison Reed, whose tireless efforts, research and academic findings led to the... I think he's giving her a bit of the Kane madness. Wow! Fighting the alien menace can be tough work. And so is keeping your hair shiny and dandruff free. It's a good thing we always keep a supply of... (ALL) ..Head and Shoulders around the house.