1 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) SONG: # You got me in a trance, baby # Dance, make me grind, baby # Do it, get it done # From the front she's so fine # Jump behind, make me run # Touch yourself and don't stop # Get it, get it, get on top # Unwrap me like a lollipop # I came to see you shake it up # Break it down and crank it up... # REPORTER: It seems like only yesterday the party would go on forever, but in just 12 short months the place known as America's spring break capital has become a virtual ghost town. Who can forget the devastating attack on Lake Victoria that left scores of young people dead and a community in shock? And who could've guessed that this hell on earth would be rocked by a species of piranha believed extinct for the last two million years? After a massive exodus that left most property abandoned, the local economy fell into ruin. Lake Victoria is now a quarantine area. Only weeds grow on the beaches where thousands once soaked up the sun and the only boats that remain are dusty relics littering the shoreline. As we look back on the anniversary of this tragic event, we're left to wonder if it happened here can it happen again? And if so, where? (MENACING MUSIC) (MUFFLED AUDIO) (EERIE MUSIC) (EERIE MUSIC CONTINUES) 1 (INSECTS CHIRP) (DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE) MAN: Sarah! (MUFFLED) Sarah! MAN 2: Hollering ain't gonna do you a damn bit of good, Clayton. (MUTTERS AND GRUNTS) Oh... (OMINOUS MUSIC) (OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES) -Ohh! -What?! I just... I got my foot stuck in a rut. MAN 2: There she is right there. She's dead. OK. (GRUNTS) Huh! That's a big old heifer, ain't it? Yeah, she took second place at County last year. -Oh, whoa! -What the hell? Shine the light on her belly, shine the light on her belly. Something's going on. Alright. (GRUNTS) There's something in there. (FARTING) -Oh! -Arggh! Fuck! Holy flying baby shit! Oh, goddamn piece of crap. I got a lighter. That smell would knock a buzzard off a gut truck. (FARTING) -Ohh! -Arggh! Fuck! That's the gassiest damn cow I ever... (BOTH EXCLAIM) Ow! Shit! Shit, shit, shit. Arggh! Get away! Arggh! (SCREAMS) (SOFT EERIE MUSIC) Oh, arggh! Oh, shit! ARGGH! (GNASHES) Able 2017 (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) Hey, it's time to get wet again! (GIRLS CHEER) Come on down. Our lifeguards are hot, single and ready to party with someone like you! -GIRLS: You! -Wet 'em down, boys. So if you wanna cool off, come on down to the hottest hole in town. -Three words for you. -ALL: The Big Wet! Remember - double-D swims free. (GABBLES) Oh, boy. Hold on. Cut it, cut it, cut it. (GIRLS CHATTER AND LAUGH) -GIRL: Hey. -Hi! I gotta cut something off at the pass. Here you go. Keep 'em wet. And are you guys friends of someone? Maddy. Get over here and give your stepdad a hug. Chet, tell me you did not fire our old lifeguards and replace them with...strippers. -Water-certified strippers. -Really? -More than that, pumpkin. -Unbelievable. Listen, before your sweet mama died - God rest her soul - she made me promise her to keep this water park running and I am just gonna make sure that I provide for you as well as she did. I'm your daddy now. We're so lucky to have each other. Wow, Chet. Sometimes I think you really believe what's coming out of your mouth. Come here, doll. You are gonna love this. Adult pool? Go ahead. We are gonna make bank on this! (BAWDRY MUSIC) CHET: What do you think? I think this is a very expensive joke. The world's first strip bar at a water park - that's a stroke of genius. Franchising, baby. -No, no, no. -Oh, don't worry about that. Just throw a little extra chlorine and sulphuric acid in the pool, it sanitises everything. Hey, Kiki, why don't you get your shapely ass out of the pool. (SPEAKS CRANKILY IN RUSSIAN) Don't you forget that I'm still half owner of this place. Oh, is that right? Raise your hand if you own 51% of this water park. (POPS) Now raise your hand if you're a 49% minority owner. That's you. (SINISTER MUSIC) (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) Whoo-hoo-hoo! -Hey! -Hey, ladies. -Hey, Maddy. -How are you? What's new? Well, this is the summer Shelby finally abstains from abstinence. Shut up! That's not true. She's afraid to have sex because her slutty cousin gave birth to a flipper baby. Stop it! You're not supposed to say that! No, that didn't happen. Here he comes - the boy who's gonna pop her cherry. -He just doesn't know it yet. -Stop! (GIGGLES) Hey, Maddy. So what do you think of all the changes around here? Josh, meet me at the lake. Come on! Alright, see you. Cool. What? Am I the last guy to know you're back? -Hi! -Hey there. -How are you? I missed you. -Oh, me too. Bet you wish you were still in grad school this summer, huh? I can't believe what Chet's done. I know. (LAUGHS) This place is everything to me, working here, hanging out. I know. I miss those moments too. So, look, now that you're back... Hey, you guys, are you sure that's such a good idea? -GIRL: Ooh! -Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho! Better not be any underage drinking going on here. Shut up, Kyle. Oh, come on, man. I'm on duty. I can't be drinking. We got fireworks, indecent exposure, probable drugs. Definite drugs. I may just have to write you up. -Hi, Kyle. -(LAUGHS) KYLE: Ohh! I don't see what he has that I don't have. Six inches and a badge. (LAUGHS) I heard you were back in town so I figured I'd stop by and say hey. And I also feel like I should say something about the last time we talked. No, you don't have to. Long-distance relationships, they're weird. -But you're back now. -For the summer. It should be an interesting summer. I... -I'm still on duty so... -OK. Welcome back. SHELBY: I had fun at the party tonight. JOSH: Yeah, yeah, me too. I love the water. It's, uh, really...wet. What are you thinking about? Nothing much. Hey, let's take off all our clothes and go swimming. Uh... OK, cool. Sure. Yeah, alright. Turn around. Oh, right. Sorry. Shelby? Shelby? Shelby! Ohh... -You coming in or what? -Yeah, I'm coming in. And no funny stuff, OK? (SPOOKY MUSIC) -(LAUGHS) -Alright. Oh-ho! No, Josh! You suck! You want some of this? You want some, huh? You're not supposed to splash me back. (BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING AND TALKING) (LAUGHS) -Ooh! -What? I just felt something against me. Is that you? What? What are you talking about? Ow! What are you... what are you doing? I didn't! Whatever it is, I don't like it. I didn't do anything. (GASPS) Shelby, where are you going? I'm cold. I'm getting out. -(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) -GIRL: You have to do it. OK, fine. Dear Lord... -Come on! -OK. Dear Lord. Please forgive us for what we are about to do. We each know that having relations before marriage is a sin, but... ..we know that we'll be forgiven for it because we're praying about it. -Amen. -Amen. Oh, look at this. (CHUCKLES) Whoa. You like that? Oh. Mine. Mm-hm. Uh! (CHUCKLES) Don't make me cuff the other one. (VAN CREAKS) We're moving, Travis. -I know, I know. -No! Look, you idiot! -Oh! -Ow! -Hey, Ashley, you OK? -Yeah. Water's coming in. Shit! Give me the key for the cuff. -Oh, it must have fallen out. -Find it now! Where is it? Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Dammit! Where's the key for the damn cuff?! -I should go for help. -No! I can't see anything. I'm sorry. Ashley, hit the dome light and keep looking! Shit! What are you doing? Get over here! Ashley. -I'm gonna go for help. -Get back here! What are you doing? Ashley! Dammit! Arggh! -Travis? -Help! -Travis? Travis! -Emily! Arggh! (GRUNTS) Ow! There's something in the water! Help! Anybody! (SOBS) Somebody help me! Arggh, arggh! Travis! Come on. Are you there? Travis? Travis! Ashley! Arggh! Oh, my... Oh, God! Oh, my... Ohh! Oh, my God! Please, is anybody out there? Anybody?! -I'm sorry. I just... -No, it's cool. I don't mind hanging out. Oh, no, it's not you. It's just that... Do you think Ashley's prettier than me? -No. -Most guys do. Yeah, well, I've never really been into girls with big breasts. Aww. (LAUGHS) 1 (INSECTS CHIRP) (SOMBRE MUSIC) (SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES) Welcome back, Maddy. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) (GIRLS SHRIEK AND YELL) (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) 1 # BEFORE I DIE # BEFORE I DIE # BEFORE I DIE # (BOY GRUNTS) (BOY LAUGHS) -Dave! -You bitch! What the fuck are you doing? The hole where the water comes out. Ohh! -Oh, God, man. -She's so wet! (YELLS AND MOANS) Hey, Shelby. Have you seen Ashley or Travis? Neither one of them punched in this morning. No, I haven't seen either of them. I don't know. Just a sec. (GASPS) -You OK? -I just feel a little weird. -It's OK. -Here. Let me help you. No, no. I'm...I'm fine. Really. Ohh... -(GASPS) -You OK? Oh, look who has morning sickness. (CHUCKLES) Nice work, papa. (WINCH MOTOR WHIRRS) KYLE: Nobody was inside, Shel. I'm sure they're fine. They're probably just shaken up and scared they're gonna get in trouble. (DIALS PHONE) Oh, my God. Come on, Ash. Pick up! (ON RECORDING) Hey, it's Ash. Leave a message. Shit! Call me! Is there anywhere else they might have gone or... No, I don't... I'm just gonna go. (SOLEMN MUSIC) (SOLEMN MUSIC CONTINUES) 1 Ashley's my best friend. I mean, I know she's kind of a slut and she's stolen 11 of my ex-boyfriends and... ..I'm pretty sure she also stole a pair of earrings that my grandmother gave me before she died, but we were like sisters. (GASPS) What is that? (THUDDING) Oh, my God. We have to get off this thing right now. Hurry! Come on, Shelby! (SCREAMS) Get me out! Come on! Shelby, grab my hand! Quick. Come on. I've got you. Hurry! Come on! -Ohh! (SHELBY SCREAMS) Come on. Quickly! Let's go. We're almost there. Ohh! Oh, Maddy, Maddy! -(YELLS) -Careful! Oh... Arggh! Arggh! -(SHRIEKS) -No, no, no! Come back, Shelby. Come here! Come this way. Quick. -You're gonna have to jump. -Oh! Come on. You're gonna have to jump. -I...I can't jump from here. -Quit it! Let's go! Maddy, I can't make it! Come on. It's just a foot! Grab my hand. I've got it. Oh! Ohh! (BOTH SCREAM) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (BOTH PANT AND GASP) (SHELBY SCREAMS) Ohh! (GASPS) -What is this thing? -BOY: Maddy? -SHELBY: What is this? -What the fuck is that? Eugh! -Oh! Oh, my God! -Oh, shit! Is that a fucking piranha? My father worked construction on Carson Dam. They found fossils like this when they first broke ground. He gave me this one for my eighth birthday... I'm telling you, man, it was a piranha. How'd they get from Lake Victoria to our lake? That's what we've gotta find out. (CHUCKLES) What? (LAUGHS) Look at us - the cop and the marine biologist. I'm sorry. That just sounds like a shitty sitcom. 'The Cop and the Marine Biologist'. (TURNS ON SIREN) You're still wet. A little, yeah. (DARK MUSIC) (DARK MUSIC CONTINUES) 1 (GRUNTS) Guys, can one of you open the door? Kyle, open the door. Little man. That's funny. Dick. -(GASPS) -(DOORBELL DINGS) Who are you? Why are you here? Sir, we saw you on YouTube. You and 11,000,486 other people. I have 700 more hits than the 'Laughing Diarrhoea Baby'. Uh, sir, we need your expertise, Mr Goodman. (DOORBELL DINGS) Why? We think they're back. Cross Lake isn't even connected to Lake Victoria. The piranha must be migrating through underground lakes and rivers. I've studied this specimen for almost a year. -(THUD) -Oh-ha-ha! Here. Me. (GABBERS) (MUNCHES) I think you might find this interesting. -KYLE: You want some help? -Yeah, yeah. (GRUNTS) OK, this is galvanised steel... ..like ordinary household plumbing. There we go. Aha! Now for some incentive. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. -(CROAKING) No, no, no. Not the frog! Ohh! Sorry. I sold out of puppies this morning. OK. Now, I think this is quite resourceful. Watch. (GASPS) (TENSE MUSIC) Come on, come on, come on. (MUSIC BUILDS) Now it's got something to grab. Oh, dear fuck! Barry, are you crazy? You almost lost a hand! I had a pet frog once. Oh... -Come on. Uh, can you... -Yeah, yeah. -Really? -(MAN GRUNTS) Now let's check out some data. What were you thinking? These piranha spent aeons living in underground lakes and rivers full of sulphur dioxide from all the geothermal activity. That's how they come back to spawn. They follow the rotten egg smell. Yes! The problem is sulphur dioxide is commonly released during the treatment of chlorinated water. So it's conceivable that the fish could become confused and try to enter man-made drain systems, especially with all the shocking abundance of backyard pools. Hmph. Our water park drains directly into Cross Lake. That's like the equivalent of 1,000 swimming pools. Oh, that would be a very bad thing. Did you tell anyone that this could happen? I tried. Unfortunately, I lost some credibility after my last book foretold a dreadful plague of walking fish. Oh, that's right! You wrote 'Fish Walk Among Us'. I love that book! It was really great. Why, thank you... ..kindred spirit. Mm-hm. Hah! (MUTTERS) Oh, thanks. (CHUCKLES) Barry. You, uh...you read a marine biology book? Well, I wanted to see what you were so interested in. Look, guys, we've gotta check the drains over the outflow pipes in the lake tonight. I could get a dive team up here from Tempe by tomorrow. No, that's too late. The water park opens tomorrow. That place is gonna be packed. If the fish are getting through the drain system... That would make Lake Victoria look like an appetiser. Guys, we've gotta get out there right now. Thank you so much for your help, Mr Goodman. Thank you, thank you. BARRY: Thank you, sir. An honour. -OK, be well. Alright. -'Bye, sir. Thank you very much. Aha! 11,000,888 hits. Take that, 'Laughing Diarrhoea Baby'. (SINISTER MUSIC) (SINISTER MUSIC CONTINUES) 1 1 It's not OK to say she was asking for it. It's not OK to punch a hole in a wall to show your family who's boss. Or think you can demand their love and respect. And it's not OK to look the other way and say it's not our problem. Because it is our problem. And it's not OK. Ever. But it is OK to ask for help. NEWSREADER: Ashley Sorby and Travis Mitchell were reported missing this morning after their van was pulled out of Cross Lake... Thanks for letting me stay here. Oh, it's totally cool. How you feeling? -A little better. -You don't seem any better. Hey, what is it? It's just the stress of the whole Ashley thing and... Make love to me. -Please. -Right now? Please, Josh, right now. I... ..I think something's really wrong with me and I don't... If I don't get better, I don't want to die a virgin. Please, Josh. I want it to be with you. The outflow pipes down there link directly to the water park. I've gotta check them out. You've considered how bat-shit crazy this is, right? I've gotta take a look. I'll be quick. Um, look, about what I was trying to say last night... Are you coming in? I could really use a spotter. What? I mean, if you're... It's OK. No, no, no, I'm not scared. It's just, um... ..I can't swim. You work at a water park and you can't swim? Ding, ding! What about all the beach parties in high school or the parties at the park? You never... My God, Barry, I totally would've taught you how to swim. Yeah, no. I know. You seemed kind of busy at the time. It's not a big deal. Toss me that flashlight. Yes, I know. That's what I said, Chet, but she won't listen. Alright, I'll find you. BARRY: Are you sure you wanna do this? (QUIETLY) No. (TENSE MUSIC) (TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES) 1 You, uh...you let her go in there alone? Fuck off, Kyle. Oh, yes. Barry can't swim. -Maddy! -(SCREAMS) BOTH: Maddy! BARRY: Swim, Maddy! Ohh! -Shit. -Get out of the way. Get back! (PANTS) Are you OK? I think so. (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS) Don't worry. I won't break. -Oh! -I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, it's OK, it's OK. I like it. Go on. Oh... Oh, God, Shelby! Fuck me. (BOTH GASP AND MOAN) -Oh! -Oh, my God. Yes! - No, no. Oh, God. -Oh, God, Shelby. -No, something's happening. (MUTTERS) -Almost there. -(MUTTERS) No, no, something's wrong! Something's wrong! BOTH: Oh, my God! -(MOANS) I'm almost there. I'm almost there. -Almost there, almost there. -(SCREAMS) (CREAKING) (GASPS) Oh, God. What? (GAGS) What the fuck is on my dick? Oh! Oh, my... Arggh! What the fuck?! Holy shit! Oh, my God! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Ohh, ohh! Oh, my God. What the fuck? Oh, fuck! (GASPS) (GROANS) Oh, fuck. Oh, Jesus Christ. Ohh! Oh, Jesus! (SCREAMS) (INHALES) Oh, Josh? Oh... I'm feeling a little better now. Josh? Josh? Josh? I think I had an accident. Josh? Josh, what are you doing? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Josh? Josh? Josh? What the hell did you do to me?! (SIREN BLARES, ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR STEREO) (TURNS OFF STEREO) Oh! You were almost going 70 back there, buddy. Don't you have someplace better to be, like boning my stepdaughter? I'll get to that. First things first. You're all good...for now. Oh, you looking for a raise? With any luck, your little theme park's gonna take off and I won't have to live off a deputy's salary forever. So we're good here? Yeah. Did you check those outflow pipes at the lake? Maddy did. Nearly got herself killed. What about the grates? Are they still intact? Should be good unless there's another way into the park, like that bootleg well you drilled. -Don't you worry about that. -I do worry, Chet. I'm the one protecting your unlawful ass. Let me tell you something. Why don't you worry about keeping Maddy and Johnny Law off my ass, alright? I'll take care of my water park. OK. -Have a nice night, Deputy. -You too, Chet. Oh, by the way... What in the hell's this? -I told you you were speeding. -Are you shitting me? Just doing my job. You're a crooked cop. BARRY: What a night, huh? So, um, you and Kyle, you guys are gonna get back together or... No, definitely not. I...I don't think so. Probably not. You really ran the gamut of indecisiveness on that one. -You know that, right? -Yeah, I kinda did, didn't I? Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina! KYLE: He should be coming to shortly so the nurse is gonna take you guys back there. You guys can probably go. Josh is still sedated. I'm gonna stick around to get a statement. I'll let you guys know if I find anything out, OK? How's Shelby? She's not making a whole lot of sense right now, but I'll keep an eye on her too. What about you? You alright? I'm pretty tired. Get some rest and I'll call you. (SIGHS) (WATER FLOWS) (TAP SQUEAKS) (OMINOUS MUSIC) (MUSIC BUILDS) (MUSIC CEASES) (OMINOUS MUSIC) (GASPS) 1 (SINISTER MUSIC) COMMENTATOR: Well, it's game five of the championship series, and it looks like the Spartans are going to start the rookie left-hander... Ahh. (COMMENTATOR CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (KEYBOARD BUZZES) (TAPS NOTES, HUMS TONE) (SINGS) # I'm a love hunter # Hear what I say # Get on your knees # Learn how to pray # 'Cause the love hunter's coming to take you away # The love hunter's coming # Today. # WOMAN: Oh, that is so sad. Come to bed, Hoffy. It's nappy time. # I am the love hunter # Hear what I say # It looks like Dawn is ready to play. # I'm Rochelle. I'm Dawn. Right. # I am the love hunter # Two chicks for me # 'Cause I am the biggest star on TV! # Yeah! Yeah, let's party! (EXUBERANT SONG) SONG: # I'm sorry # I'm falling right down to the bottom # Back to the basics where I belong # I cannot handle the truth # I'll be waiting # Wishing for God to reach down and touch me # I'll be safe if I wait here... # Welcome to rock bottom. -(PEOPLE CHATTER EXCITEDLY) -Excuse me. Can we just...can we just get... Please? Thank you. (CHATTER CONTINUES) Wait. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) I don't know if I can do this. All you gotta do is take baby steps, just little baby steps. What the hell are you talking about baby steps for? In case you haven't noticed, fish ate my damn legs. I hate the water. I hate it. Remember what Dr Smith said. This is all about our road to recovery. We'll start out with a harmless little kiddie pool. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? A couple of kids whizzing. That's all. Kids whizzing? I can handle that. (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) I'm not afraid of some punk-ass water. I'm not afraid of some punk-ass water. -(GIRL SHRIEKING IN DISTANCE) -I can't! Alright, don't... don't worry about it. We'll figure out something else, alright? No, it's weak. Dump me in the water. Wait. What? You heard what I said. Get behind the chair, grab the handles and dump my sorry ass in the water. The way parents toss their kids into the pool when they wanna swim? That's a great idea. Alright, I can do this. Here we go. One, two... -Just stop! -OK, OK. What happened? -Why'd you stop? -You said 'stop'. No, don't listen to my pussy-ass mouth. No matter what I say, dump me in the water. OK, got it. I'm not gonna listen to your pussy-ass mouth. I mean, you don't have a pussy-ass mouth. -I'm just saying... -Dump me in the water! OK, here we go. One, two... Oh, shit! No, no. -I changed my mind. -No, no, you're going in. No, I changed my mind. I don't wanna go in. -You're going in! -No! I don't wanna! -Hey! -You're going in! You're going! -Leave him alone! -No, no, no. He wants to go in. No, no, the hell I do! I don't wanna go in. What's wrong with you? Don't push that poor legless stump into the pool. That's right. Don't dump this poor legless stump in the pool. OK, you know what? You're gonna go into the water. -No, I don't wanna go! -Whoa! Oh, not cool, man. I'm not afraid of some punk-ass water. Not cool at all. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hot moms of all ages, welcome to the Big Wet! (CHEERING) And now the moment you've all been waiting for... (SQUEALS) ..the most famous lifeguard of all time. Who wants to party with the Hoff? Welcome David Hasselhoff! ('I'M ALWAYS HERE' THEME SONG FROM 'BAYWATCH' PLAYS) (CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) SONG: # Some people stand in the darkness... # Here he is, Mr David Hasselhoff! Ladies. You know, ladies, if you play your cards right you might get some private mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. -(LAUGHS) -(CHEERING) Alright, without any further ado... ..let's all get wet and wild! I'll show you to your stand. How you ladies doing? Doing good? Yeah! Oh, yeah, look at this. Whoa. I'm in love. Take a photo with me. Get over here. Come over here. Right here. Yeah, baby! Mwah! Oh, lady, you are beautiful. -You will never drown. You are beautiful. -(WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) You need a little mouth-to-mouth. No way! OK. Mwah. Hah! Yeah. (FUNKY MUSIC) ALL: Alright! Alright, ladies. Thanks very much. Goodbye now. (MOTOR WHIRRS) (MOTOR JUDDERS AND STOPS) MADDY: I knew it. CHET: What are you doing back here, Maddy? I saw this when I was taking inventory, but I didn't think to ask why it was here until now. We'll pump our own water now. Fuck the utilities, right? You can't fill this water park off a well. (CHUCKLES) It's not a standard well. We drilled down a whole lot further, hit an underwater lake. We got enough water to last us till kingdom come. You have no idea what you've done. Sure I do. I got us a nice, big, fat profit. You don't understand. You could be pumping piranha straight through the water intake pipes. Maddy, it's opening day. I have shelled out $100,000 and you want me to close shop because there might - just might - be piranha in the pipe? What else? Ghosts? Bogeymen? Sharks? Snakes? You're laughable. Laughable! Come on, kid. You've been watching too many movies, little girl. You should read romance novels. (TURNS ON MACHINE) Are we done? I got work to do. (THUDDING IN PIPES) (OMINOUS MUSIC) (OMINOUS MUSIC INTENSIFIES) -Mommy, I got bit. -Let me see. Oh, honey, you just scraped yourself on something. Go tell the lifeguard. He'll get you a bandaid. -No, no, it was a piranha. -It was not a piranha! You've heard too many people talking about piranha. Now scoot. Hello? Hello! -Hey! -Hey. I got bit by a piranha. -What's your name, kid? -David. David? That's pretty cool. That's my name too. Here you go. What...what's this? It's an autograph. Can I just have a bandaid? Wait a minute. You don't know who I am? No. -You never saw 'Baywatch'? -Mn-mn. Running in slow-motion? How about 'Knight Rider'? -No. -Talking car? 'Anaconda III'? -'Jekyll & Hyde' on Broadway? -Hey, hey! -What? -Mr Hasselhoff, Mr Hasselhoff! Back off, toro. I'm talking to my main man here, huh? It's OK. You really have no idea who I am? Yeah, you're a lifeguard and I need a bandaid. Can I get a bandaid for my main man David here, please?! 'SpongeBob'? I'm just gonna get a bandaid somewhere else. I'm a lifeguard. (PEOPLE LAUGH AND CHATTER) WOMAN: Ooh! (OMINOUS MUSIC) Are you OK? I saw a fish in the splash pool. I know this is crazy, but it was a piranha like on the news. I swear to God. Hey, everybody out of the pool, out of the pool. Hey, hey! You have to get them out of the pool right now. (HUFFS) Hey, no running! (BLOWS WHISTLE) Game over, Chet. We gotta shut the water park down right now. What part of "No fucking way" don't you hear? A woman saw a piranha in the splash pool! -Did you see it? -(STAMMERS) -Did you see it? -No, but... You've got nothing. That's what. I'm evacuating this water park whether you like it or not. -Maddy, Maddy, Maddy. -Take care of this, will you? Chet's right, OK? You're just gonna cause more panic. MADDY: I'm sorry. Whose side are you on? I'm on the side of being calm. Let's just check things out. You don't believe me. I'm the one who called you and you don't fucking believe me! Come on, kids. Get out of the pool! Please get out of the water park. Please. All right. Just get out of the water right now. Maddy, I can't. I can't let you do that, OK? -Let go of me! -BARRY: What the fuck you doing? -Let her go. -What you gonna do, shark boy? Huh?! Poke me with your fucking trident? Let me give you a little piece of advice, buddy. You're gonna need a bigger one. Come on! 1 It's not OK to say she was asking for it. It's not OK to punch a hole in a wall to show your family who's boss. Or think you can demand their love and respect. And it's not OK to look the other way and say it's not our problem. Because it is our problem. And it's not OK. Ever. But it is OK to ask for help. 1 Oh! Oh! (SINISTER MUSIC) (PEOPLE CHATTER) (WIND HOWLS) (SINISTER MUSIC RISES) (SINISTER MUSIC SWELLS) (PEOPLE SCREAM) Oh, my God. (BLOWS WHISTLE) (SCREAMING CONTINUES) (SHRIEKS) -Arggh! -(SCREAMS) (SCREAMING CONTINUES) (SCREAMS WILDLY) Come on! Go! Go! I can't believe it. They're back, they're back. They'll find you. They'll always fucking find you no matter where you go! (TYRES SQUEAL) Help! Bring me my legs. (DETERMINED MUSIC) (DETERMINED MUSIC CONTINUES) Titanium, motherfuckers. Eat this! (ANGELIC MUSIC) (ANGELIC MUSIC CONTINUES) Over here! Get out of there! (MUSIC CONTINUES) (GUNSHOTS) - I hate the water. - I hate the fish! BOY: Help me! Help! Help me! -Hey, people are dying. -Ow! You're a lifeguard. Do something! I'm not a lifeguard, never was one. Help! Help me! Help! Lifeguard! WOMAN: But there's still kids going down that slide! Once these idiots get out of the water it's not as if the fish are gonna follow them home. BOY: Help me! Help! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Help me! You went back in the water, you little ginger moron. Mitch! You're a lifeguard, Mitch! SONG: # Some people need to help somebody # When the edge of surrender's in sight # Don't you worry # It's gonna be alright... # Whoa! # 'Cause I'm... # (SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY) Holy fuck! I'm getting old. (SONG RESUMES) # I'll be there # Forever and always... # I got you! Ohh, yeah! I made a rescue. I actually made a rescue. Can you put me down now? (TRAGIC MUSIC) (PEOPLE SCREAM AND YELL) (SCREAMING CONTINUES) Chet! -Chet... -Ohh! Do you see 'em? Do you see 'em now? (GROANS) MADDY: We've gotta drain the pools. Hey, hey, Barry! Barry! Since you can't swim, I need you to go to the pump house -and force-drain the pools. -I've never done that before. It's easy. The levers, they're all down. Push them straight up. -OK, got it. -Thank you so much. Wait, wait. I just want you to know I've loved you since seventh grade. -I always will. -I thought you were gay. Really? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) I gotta get out of here. It's not my fault. -Arggh! -Oh! -What the fuck?! -Help me! Get off me. Hey, dude, come over here. Please, man. Look at my ass. -Holy shit! -Whatever it is, get it out. OK, this is gonna hurt. You ready? One, two... (SCREAMS) Oh, fuck! OK, come on, come on. We gotta get to the pump. (SCREAMING AND YELLING CONTINUES) Sorry, kid. It's not my fault! -(THUD! GIRL SCREAMS) -Oh, shit! Get out of the way! Move it! Move it! (ANGELIC MUSIC) (WOMEN SCREAM) (ANGELIC MUSIC CONTINUES) (SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) 1 OK, listen. I need you to get all the first aid supplies. Bring them outside. Got it? You got it? Go! I need first aid. (DETERMINED MUSIC) (DETERMINED MUSIC CONTINUES) (WATER RUSHES) -KYLE: Maddy! -Oh, help me! -Maddy! Maddy! Maddy, come here! -Help me! I didn't know. I promise you, I didn't know. -What are you talking about? -The well. Chet promised he'd give me 35% of the profits if I turned a blind eye. Just help me. Get me out of here, please. I didn't know that... Kyle, please! Please just help me. -The blood... -Help me! -The blood! -Kyle, please! -I can't. I can't do this! -Please help me! -I'm sorry. -No, no, no! Don't, don't! Please help me! Oh! Where's Maddy? Where's Maddy?! She's gone. I couldn't save her! -Help me! Help! -Maddy! Maddy! (WATER RUSHES, CREAKING) OK, OK. Be a man, Kyle. Be a man, be a man. Be a man, Kyle! Maddy! I can't swim! Help! Ohh! (GASPS) Oh, oh... This was a bad idea. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) 1 (DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS) (PIPE CREAKS) (MOTOR WHIRRS AND STOPS) (SOLEMN MUSIC) (SOLEMN MUSIC CONTINUES) 1 1 1 (COUGHS) Barry? (MOMENTOUS MUSIC) (MOMENTOUS MUSIC CONTINUES) 1 Save a life, save a life, save a life, Kyle. Be the hero! (YELLS WILDLY) Oh, come on! I got you. Oh, my God! Get out of the pool! Oh, my God! Medic! I need a medic! Medic... Maddy. (GRUNTS) (CHUCKLES) Ooh! Nobody munches on Big Dave's ass, bitch. Adios, pescados! (BOOM!) (PEOPLE SCREAM) (SOLEMN MUSIC) (SOLEMN MUSIC CONTINUES) 1 1 1 1 (ROCK MUSIC) Whoo-hoo! SONG: # Whoa, whoa # Yeah, it's a good day # I know you know # To me you're everything # Whoa, whoa # Yeah, it's a good day # And I feel my life is changing.... # How the hell did you buy that shotgun leg? With the money I saved on socks. (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) -MADDY: Hello? -Maddy? You're not gonna believe this. I was right. They're evolving. They're learning to walk! Yeah, I know. WOMAN: David! David, get away from that thing! Mom, it's OK. They're slow on land. (SCREAMS AND WAILS) WOMAN: Oh, my God! Someone help! Little ginger moron. # Whoa, whoa # Yeah, it's a good day # I know you know # To me you're everything # Whoa, whoa # Yeah, it's a good day # and I feel my life is changing # Changing # And I feel my life is changing # Changing # I can see my life is changing # And I feel my life is changing # Changing # Whoa, whoa # Yeah, it's a good day # I know you know # To me you're everything # Whoa, whoa # Yeah, it's a good day # And I feel my life is changing # Whoa, whoa # Yeah, it's a good day # I know you know # To me you're everything # Whoa, whoa # Yeah, it's a good day # And I feel my life is changing # And I feel my life is changing # I can see my life is changing # And, yes, I know my life is changing. # HASSELHOFF: # I'm a fish hunter # You are my prey # Swim all you want # You won't get away # 'Cause the fish hunter's coming # To catch you today # The fish hunter's coming # Your way # With my trident # I'm coming to slay! # I'm the fish hunter # You are my prey! # Fish hunter! # www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS AND GARGLES) ..lakes and rivers full of sul...sulphur oxide. (MADDY SNEEZES) (LAUGHS) Look, guys, we've gotta check the grates over the outflow pipes in the... (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Look, guys, we've gotta check the drains over the 'out-fow'... -Fuck me! -(ANGELIC CHORUS) ('INTERNET KILLED THE VIDEO STAR' BY THE LIMOUSINES) SONG: # I tried to tell them # "Hey, that drum machine ain't got no soul" # But they don't wanna listen # No, they think they've heard it all # They trade those guitars in # For drum machines and disco balls # Oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh-oh-oh-oh... # (SINGS) # Oh! Fish hunter! # Jesus Christ. OK. Ohh! MAN: Can we get it a little tighter? (MOUTHS) Huh! MAN: He's gonna take his glasses off. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Right, either that or I was gonna wait for the drums to come and do that. You ginger little moron. "You ginger..." What is it? -MAN: "You little ginger moron." -WOMAN: "Little ginger moron." Fuck. Alright. You ginger little moron. (LAUGHS) -Why are you laughing? -I don't know. (SINGS) # I'm the love hunter... # (STAMMERS) Oh, God! Shit! MADDY: Hello? # The kids are disco dancing # They're tired of rock'n'roll # Don't bother telling them # That drum machine ain't got no soul # The kids are disco dancing # They're tired of rock'n'roll # Don't bother telling them # That drum machine # Ain't got no soul # Oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh-oh-oh-oh # You know we never listen # We think we've seen it all... # The camera's... Where is it? There it is. (WOMAN LAUGHS) (PEOPLE LAUGH) MAN: Action! We're the place with no fish... Here we go again. One, two, three. Ready? We're the place with no fish, but plenty of tail. Piranha? What?! That's the wrong place to put it, right? OK, here we go. Once again. What's the line? Come on down and cool off at the hottest hole in town. Ready? Come on down... -(PHONE RINGS) -Are you serious?! $15! $15! Are you serious? Film him now. MAN: Just keep the hand kind of in the middle like that, yeah. OK, don't do the hand because that became too 3-D. Do you want me to start with it out? It was 3DD! (LAUGHS) (SOUTHERN ACCENT) How the hell did they get in here? Even if they're the same grizzly bears. Ooh! -"Winky face!" -I hate you both. -I'm OK with that. -Ohh! Give me five, brother. Cool. Who's that? My mom. She's kind of cute. Yeah, she's got some talent. She what? She has some talent. She what?! She has some talent! Your mom has talent? Wow. She's pretty hot. Yeah, don't even try. ('FISH HUNTER' SONG PLAYS) (MOUTHS ALONG WITH SONG) Best sticks in the business. (SINGS) # Years ago... # I'm wet all the time! If you wanna get wetter come on down and cool off at the hottest hole in town - mine. Ooh, that won't make the movie! We should add that to the movie. # Two chicks for me # 'Cause I am the biggest star... # -(MAN SPEAKS OVER THE TOP) -Who are you?! What are you doing?! Who? Oh, my God. You're not Dawn. Flying squirrel. MAN: Throw your covers now, yeah? OK, good. The Hoff in bed. MAN: That's why I'm in this wheelchair. WOMAN: Guys, we're rolling. The camera is rolling. We are set. Let's do the take. Oh, for God's sake. Watch the key grip. -MAN: Settle down. -I'm down, man. I'm so fucking down. Action! WOMAN: David! David, get away from that thing! Mom, it's OK. They're slow. -MAN: And fish flying! -(WOMAN SCREAMS) (SCREAMS AND WAILS) Stand up, stand up, Nicole. "Help me!" Help me! Help me! And...cut. -BOY: Nice! -MAN: Yeah. (WOMAN SCREAMING) (SCREAMS, BLOWS WHISTLE) (SHRIEKS) (BLOWS WHISTLE) Oh, my God! Ohh! (SHRIEKS) That, my darling, is what natural selection is all about. ('VIKTOR'S MISERY' BY BOBOT ADRENALINE' PLAYS) SONG: # Children on the run Children on the hide # Butcher on the front of your communist block # Madman beats a path to your neighbour's back door # Never gonna get a break to settle this score # Whoa-oh # Shadow on a train and a fable in their heads # With a hero in the rain by the railway line # Madman on a five-year mission all told # Listen to the prophet gonna save your souls # Burakov's in the woods Carnage going down # A mother's nightmare in this Ukraine town # Children on the run Children on the hide # Viktor's misery in a chalk outline # Too proud to be wrong Too blind to be right # Party of the people # Keep the madman out of sight and out of mind # With his bag, his rope, his children all around # Pledge to stop the screams of this Rostov town # Burakov's in the woods Carnage going down # A mother's nightmare in this Ukraine town # Children on the run Children on the hide # Viktor's misery in a chalk outline # Sing it Hey # Whoa-oh-oh # Hey # Whoa-oh-oh... # (SONG CONTINUES)