1 (THUNDER RUMBLING) (WIND WHIRRING) MAN (GASPS): WHOA! (GRUNTING) (GROANING) (SQUEAKING) HELLO, BOILS AND GHOULS. I AM THE CRYPT-KEEPER, OR SHOULD I SAY MASTER OF SCARE-I-MONIES? (LAUGHS) (LAUGHING) PRICELESS, SIR. YOU MADE THE WORD "CEREMONIES" FRIGHTENING. I KNOW WHAT I DID. (SCOFFS) MOE: HEY, CAN WE GET GOING HERE? LISTENING TO YOU TWO IS MORE TORTURE THAN THE TORTURE. (GRUNTS) ACTUALLY, NO, THIS IS WORSE. ALTHOUGH THE RIGHT NIPPLE SPIKE SEEMS A LITTLE DULL. (GRUNTS) OH, YEAH. OH, THAT'S BARBARIC. WHOA, LOOK AT THAT! MY BLOOD'S A GENIUS. FANCY ROMAN NUMERALS AND EVERYTHING. CAPTIONED BY MEDIA ACCESS GROUP AT WGBH WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE WITH THE SUPPORT OF NZ ON AIR. ABLE 2015 LOOK! A SHOOTING STAR! HEY, THAT'S GREAT. LET'S LOOK AT IT AFTER. WHOA! THAT ALMOST TORE MY HEAD OFF. OH, YOU ALWAYS FIND AN EXCUSE NOT TO MAKE OUT. WHOO! A SPACE MARSHMALLOW. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? DAD, NO! IT COULD TEACH US THE SECRET OF INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL. IF HE'S SO SMART, HOW COME HE CAN'T STAY OUT OF MY MOUTH? (GRUNTING) HOW COULD YOU EAT THAT GOO? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GALAXY IT'S FROM. MARGE, I ATE IT. IT'S OVER. WHOA. OH, NO, YOU DON'T. (SNORTING) (SNORTING) IF I CAN KEEP DOWN ARBY'S, I CAN KEEP DOWN YOU. (HOOTING) (STOMACH RUMBLING) (ZOMBIE-LIKE): MUST EAT, THEN POOP, THEN EAT SOME MORE, THEN EAT WHILE POOPING. (WIND WHIRRING) (PANTING, GRUNTING) STILL HUNGRY. BART: DAD? SON, LET ME HAVE A LICK AT YOU. (BOTH GRUNTING) HOMER! YOU WON'T EAT MY STUFFED PEPPERS, BUT YOU'LL EAT OUR SON? NAG, NAG, NAG. (GASPING FOR AIR) (YOWLING) IS THAT THE CAT? UH, NO, JUST GAS. (GRUNTING) (MEOWING WEAKLY) FOOD. OOH. FOOD. (GRUNTS) OOH! (GASPS) OOH! OOH, TEENAGERS. MMM. OH... NO, TODAY'S TEENS HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS WITHOUT ME EATING THEM. BARBEQUE SAUCE FIGHT! (ALL SQUEALING) OH, I GOTCHA! (SCREAMING) THE FLAMES ARE SEALING IN MY JUICES. I'LL SAVOUR YOU. (GASPING) (ALL SCREAMING) MMM. EXTRA-VIRGIN. (GURGLING) TELL MY FRIENDS I DIED KISSING A GIRL! NO. (GASPS) OOH. BEER-BATTERED GERMANS. (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) (CROWD GASPING) WHAT DID WE GERMANS EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS? OH, RIGHT. MUST EAT MORE FAT PEOPLE. THANK GOD I'M IN AMERICA. (TO THE TUNE OF "BABY GOT BACK": #I LIKE BIG GUTS AND I CANNOT LIE # # DOUBLE CHINS WITH THE CHAFING THIGHS # # WHEN A DUDE WALKS IN WITH THE HANGING JOWLS # # MY STOMACH STARTS TO GROWL-- I'M GETTIN' HUNGRY # # SO I MASTICATE, CHOMPING ON THE OVERWEIGHT # # I EAT FAT PEOPLE FOR DAYS # # LIKE POTATO CHIPS BY LAY'S # # TRY TO EAT JUST ONE, BUT IT CAN'T BE DONE # # I'VE GOT TO EAT A TON # # BABY LIKES FAT # # BABY LIKES FAT. # (LAUGHS) I USED TO THINK THESE SHIRTS WERE JUST FOR FAT SLOBS. (GUNSHOTS ON TV) IT'S BLOB RULE ON THE STREETS OF SPRINGFIELD. AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, WE'RE ALSO BEING ATTACKED BY A 50-FOOT LENNY. EVERYONE'S PAYING ATTENTION TO HOMER. CARL: I STILL LIKE YOU. THANKS, INVISIBLE CARL. (SCREAMING) MMM. MMM. MMM. FLANDERS: HI-DE-HO, BLOBORINO. EH. MM. MAN: HOMER? HMM? I NEED TO TALK TO YOU. (GASPS) DR. PHIL MCGRAW! YOU'VE GOT A WEIGHT PROBLEM, AND YOU KNOW IT. YOU'RE RIGHT. STARTING TOMORROW, NO BREAD BEFORE DINNER. HOMER, DON'T SELL ME AN OUTHOUSE AND TELL ME IT'S THE TAJ MAHAL. YEAH, HOMER, STOP DOING THAT. IT'S TIME TO OPEN UP A CAN OF HONESTY. YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT EATING ME RIGHT NOW, AREN'T YOU? AREN'T YOU? THAT'S RIDICULOUS, TALKING FUDGE. HOMER, YOUR FAMILY'S HERE. AND YOU GOT TO HELP ME HELP THEM HELP YOU HELP ME HELP YOU. MARGE, I MISSED YOU. ALL THIS EATING HAS PUT ME IN THE MOOD FOR A LITTLE LOVIN'. (PURRS SEXILY) I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH YOU: I CAN'T LOVE A 4,000-ton CANNIBAL. WHAT HAPPENED TO "FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE?!" DAD, YOU'RE EATING DR. PHIL. IT'S AMAZING. HE TASTES JUST LIKE JEFFREY TAMBOR. (GRUNTING) FOOD DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE! MARGE, TO KEEP YOU IN MY LIFE, I'D DO ANYTHING. THERE MUST BE SOME WAY TO TURN MY PROBLEM INTO A POSITIVE FOR THE COMMUNITY. HMM... HMM... IN YOU GO, BOYS. WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING-- WARM BEDS, SQUARE MEALS, HOMELESS WOMEN. (ALL CLAMOURING) I GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS, BLUE. (SNIFFS) (YELPS) GET IN THERE. (SCREAMING) NICE TO BE INDOORS, ISN'T IT? 1 FINALLY, I'D LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT STARTING MONDAY, THIS SHOW WILL BE BROADCAST IN HDTV. HERE'S HOW I'LL LOOK. HEH? (KIDS SCREAM) THAT'S RIGHT: LOOK AT YOUR HERO! (LAUGHS) GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. AREN'T YOU COMING, BART? NAH, I'M GONNA GO BACKSTAGE AND COMPLAIN. THIS KRUSTY BRAND ALARM CLOCK SPRAYS ACID IN YOUR FACE. (ACID FIZZES) OH! YOU ALREADY SHOWED ME BEFORE! WHOA, KRUSTY'S PROP ROOM. COOL! IT'S THAT CLOWN CAR ALL THOSE MIDGETS DROWNED IN. WHA..? (GASPS) HEY, KID. THIS AIN'T A MUSEUM. THAT'S A MUSEUM. FOR KIDS, $49 BUCKS. KRUSTY, WHAT'S THAT MONSTER? IT'S THE GOLEM OF PRAGUE. (THUNDER CRASHES) LEGENDARY DEFENDER OF THE JEWISH PEOPLE, LIKE ALAN DERSHOWITZ, BUT WITH A CONSCIENCE. (CHUCKLES): I KID, ALAN. WE'RE FRIENDS. ANYWAY, BACK IN THE 1600s... A RABBI CREATED THIS MAGIC CREATURE OUT OF HUMBLE CLAY. (POTTER'S WHEEL SQUEAKS) THE GOLEM WOULD PERFORM ANY TASK THAT WAS WRITTEN ON A SCROLL AND PLACED IN ITS MOUTH. (CROWD GASPS) (GUNFIRE) NOW HE WORKS FOR ME. SO THE WIFE SAYS, "I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT. I PUT IT ON MY CHARGE PLATE." YOU SUCK, CLOWN! YOU MADE MY LADY CRY! (GRUNTS) (CROWD SCREAMS) "COME TO MY HOUSE AT MIDNIGHT." NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO REHEARSE MY "DESPERATE HOUSEFLIES" SKETCH. BUZZ, BUZZ. OOH, HERE COMES THAT SEXY YOUNG GARBAGEMAN. (CHUCKLES AND SIGHS) I'M GONNA NEED A SHOEBOX FULL OF BLOW TO GET THROUGH THIS DRECK. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (GROANS) BART, THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU FATHER TO SON. I PASSED OUT ON YOUR TURTLE AND KILLED IT. SOMEDAY YOU'LL THANK ME. HEY, MILHOUSE. (GASPS): IT WORKED! NOW, THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE WANTED TO DO FOR A LONG TIME. CAN'T YOU READ MY WRITING? I DIDN'T SAY KICK HOMER'S "WALLS". WHAT'S GOIN' ON? OW! THAT'S BETTER. (THUD) YO, SIMPSON. GIVE US YOUR LUNCH MONEY. MMM... I DON'T THINK SO. IN FACT, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME YOUR LUNCH MONEY? WELL, WHO'S GONNA MAKE US? THAT GOLEM? NO, MY GO-- YES, HIM. (SCREAMING) FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO DOES WHATEVER I SAY. HEY, BART, I SHAVED MY HEAD LIKE YOU TOLD ME. GET LOST. YES, MASTER. BART, DID YOUR MYSTICAL JEWISH MONSTER BEAT UP THOSE BULLIES? OH, IT'S ALWAYS THE JEWS' FAULT. HMM, WELL I THINK YOUR GOLEM DOESN'T LIKE HURTING PEOPLE, AND I'LL PROVE IT. "SPEAK." (MONSTROUS GROAN) (COUGHS) FINALLY, I CAN TALK! THIS IS THE VOICE I'VE GOT? SOUNDS LIKE I SHOULD BE SELLING EGG CREAMS IN BRIGHTON BEACH. THAT'S WHAT WE CALL JEWISH HUMOUR. YOU DON'T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT 'CAUSE THE WORDS SOUND FUNNY. MESHUGGENEH. HILARIOUS. HELLO? HUH? IT'S FUNNY, BELIEVE ME. DO YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT WHAT YOU DID? OF COURSE I FEEL BAD. MY STOMACH FEELS LIKE IT'S HOSTING THE CHABAD TELETHON AND NORM CROSBY'S GOING LONG. (RETCHES) "KILL THE CZAR"? NOW, THAT'S AN OLD ONE. HEY, BOY, WHERE'S YOUR MUD BUDDY? I HAVE A LITTLE JOB FOR HIM. (SINISTER LAUGH) OH, HE WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY, SO I SENT HIM ON AN ERRAND. (SCREAMING) SKINNER! JUST LET HIM KILL YOU ALREADY. THAT'S THE MAN I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT. (SKINNER SCREAMS) SKINNER! I WISH WE'D BEEN CLOSER. GET HIM OUT OF HERE, WILLIE. YOU'LL MAKE BETTER MULCH THAN YOU DID A MAN. I MAY BE BIFURCATED, BUT I STILL HAVE FEELINGS. I FEEL SO GUILTY. I'VE MANGLED AND MAIMED 37 PEOPLE AND I TOLD A TELEMARKETER I WAS BUSY WHEN I WASN'T. I'M NOT A GOOD MAN. HE SURE IS NEUROTIC FOR A MONSTER. THE CURE TO ANY MAN'S PROBLEMS IS A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. HMM. YEAH, GET HIM A WOMAN. THAT'LL END HIS MISERY. (LAUGHS) (GROANS) OW, OW! THIS HURTS SO MUCH. JUST WRITE A SCROLL ASKING HIM TO STOP. WRITING'S FOR NERDS. OW! YOU GOT A SURPRISE FOR ME? THE SURPRISE WOULD BE IF I FOUND SOME GOOD LIVE THEATRE IN THIS TOWN. THEN PEOPLE COULD HAVE SOME DRINKS, WATCH FIDDLER. VERY NICE. WILL YOU SHUT UP. (GASPS): IS SHE FOR ME? HANUKKAH CAME EARLY THIS YEAR, WHICH IT SOMETIMES DOES. HELLO, EVERYBODY. (NASAL LAUGH) UGH! WHAT'S WITH THIS OUTFIT? IT LOOKS LIKE A LION ATE A PARROT AND THEN THREW UP. (NASAL LAUGH) WELL, BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD. NO! WHAT ARE YOU? NUTS? SHE WAS MADE FOR ME. I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MONSTER AND WHATEVER YOU ARE. SHAYNA PUNIM. NOT SO FAST. YOU'RE WANTED FOR THE MURDER OF SEYMOUR SKINNER. OH, COME ON, CHIEF. WE'VE GOT A LATKE BAR DOWNSTAIRS. LATKES? WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE? THEY'RE PAN-FRIED... CASE DISMISSED. WONDERFUL! . # GLOOMY SUNDAY # # WITH SHADOWS I SPEND IT ALL # # MY HEART AND I HAVE DECIDED TO END IT ALL... # I DON'T GET IT. WHAT'S SO "GREAT" ABOUT THIS DEPRESSION? WELL, I LIKE HOW EVERYTHING'S SEPIA-TONED. MAKES ME FEEL ALL NOSTALGIC. I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD COME TO THIS WHEN I FOUGHT IN THE FIRST WORLD WAR. FIRST WORLD WAR? WHY YOU KEEP CALLIN' IT THAT? OH, YOU'LL SEE. ANNOUNCER (OVER RADIO): WE INTERRUPT THIS DANCE MUSIC FROM THE MERIDIAN ROOM IN CAPITAL CITY'S FABULOUS HOTEL HITLER TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL BULLETIN. HEY, I'M NOT DONE DANCING. THIS BULLETIN BETTER SWING. REPORTS ARE COMING IN OF GIANT METAL CYLINDERS LANDING ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF MAJOR AMERICAN CITIES. (SCREAMS) CYLINDERS? ASTRONOMERS SAY THE OMINOUS CAPSULES ORIGINATED FROM EARTH'S CLOSEST NEIGHBOUR. FLANDERS? MARS. SO, IT'S A WAR OF THE WORLDS. GOOD THING WE GOT THE SUN ON OUR SIDE. GO AHEAD AND HIDE, YOU COWARD. I'M IN THE SMALL TOWN OF GROVER'S MILL. WHERE A CROWD HAS GATHERED AROUND ONE OF THE STRANGE MARTIAN CYLINDERS. IT'S OPENING. A TENTACLE IS EMERGING. (KIDS SCREAM) SETTLE DOWN, CHILDREN. HAVE A CIGARETTE TO CALM YOUR NERVES. OH, MY STARS. IT'S FIRING A BEAM OF PURE ENERGY. (LASER BUZZING) IT'S BURNING PEOPLE ALIVE. (PEOPLE SCREAMING) OKAY, BOYS, WE'RE UNDER ATTACK. LET'S DRIVE 'EM OUT OF TOWN THE WAY WE DID WITH THE IRISH. HEY, I'M IRISH. OH. OH, WAIT, I'M POLISH. OH. THE DEVASTATION IS INCREDIBLE. THEY'RE GRINDING UP THE BODIES OF HUMAN BEINGS. (GRINDING) NOW THEY'RE RIDING HORSES IN THE RAIN. (CLIP CLOP) (WATER FALLING) NOW THEY'RE PLAYING THE XYLOPHONE WHILE BOWLING NEAR AN AIRPORT. NOW, BEFORE WE ALL DIE, ONE LAST SELECTION FROM THE NATHAN NEWLEY ORCHESTRA. (SINGING): # I'M YOUNG AND HEALTHY # # AND YOU'VE GOT CHARMS... # GEE, MR. WELLES, THIS SURE IS A SWELL SHOW YOU'RE PUTTIN' ON FOR THE FOLKS. WELL, I JUST HOPE OUR SAUCY LITTLE RADIO PRANK WILL GIVE THESE "FOLKS," AS YOU CALL THEM, A GIGGLE, A GASP, AND PROVIDE A GOOD LEAD-IN FOR MISTERS AMOS AND ANDY. BURN EVERYTHING. YOU KNOW, HOMER, WE HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SEEN THESE ALIENS. THAT'S ALIEN TALK. "BIG BAND STU," SAYS 23 SKIDOO. OOH! (A LA FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT): WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT THE ALIENS AND THEIR VASTLY SUPERIOR KILLING TECHNOLOGY. BOYS, WE HAVE TO ASSUME OUR GUNS ARE USELESS. THROW 'EM IN THE LAKE. GOOD. NOW THE POLICE CAR. WAIT, DID YOU GET MY SWEATER OUT OF THE FRONT SEAT? UH, YEAH. WELL, WHERE IS IT? (SIGHS) I'LL GO GET IT. WAIT, I HAVE AN IDEA. THE MARTIANS ARE ONLY KILLING HUMANS, SO WE SHOULD PRETEND TO BE ANIMALS. INGENIOUS. EVERYONE, REMOVE YOUR CLOTHES AND WALLOW IN FILTH. (BRAYING) (MEOWING) (BARKING) (MEOWING) (MOOING) (ANIMAL NOISES CONTINUE) (CLUCKING, MEOWING, CLUCKING) (BARKING) BOWWOW. WHAT IS EVERYONE DOING? WE'RE OUTSMARTING THE MARTIANS. (BRAYING) MARTIANS? YOU DO KNOW THAT RADIO BROADCAST WAS A HOAX? MOO? YEAH, IT WAS AN ORSON WELLES RADIO PLAY OF "WAR OF THE WORLDS". SEE? (SIGHING) STUPID. I'M PROUD OF WHAT I ACHIEVED DURING MY RIOTING. IT WAS EITHER KILL HIM OR KILL NO ONE. (KANG LAUGHS) FOOLISH EARTHLINGS. NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME TO STRIKE. THEY'LL THINK IT'S ANOTHER HOAX. (GRUNTING) DAD, A FLYING SAUCER BLEW UP THAT STATUE. LISA, THAT WAS JUST A RADIO SHOW. UH, PAW. PLEASE, YOU MUST BELIEVE ME, THIS IS NO HOAX. THIS IS A REAL INVASION. OH, YEAH? WHY DON'T I JUST PUNCH YOU IN THE NOSE, BUD? "NOSEBUD." CHIEF, YOU'VE GOT TO ALERT THE MILITARY. FINE, FINE, I'LL DO IT RIGHT NOW. (RINGS) US ARMY. WHAT'S THE THREAT? UH, WE'VE BEEN INVADED... BY A POMPOUS, RADIO HAM. HOW'S IT FEEL WHEN THE HOAX IS ON THE OTHER FOOT? I MUST ADMIT IT'S UNPLEASANT. YOU FOOL. YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL. EH, TELL IT TO THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE. (SCREAMS) WELL, THEY DIDN'T EAT THE SKIN. THAT'S... THAT'S HEALTHY. COLONEL KANG, YOUR REPORT. UH, WELL... THE EARTHLINGS CONTINUE TO RESENT OUR PRESENCE. (EXPLOSION) YOU SAID WE'D BE GREETED AS LIBERATORS. DON'T WORRY. WE STILL HAVE THE PEOPLE'S HEARTS AND MINDS. I DON'T KNOW. I'M STARTING TO THINK "OPERATION: ENDURING OCCUPATION" WAS A BAD IDEA. WE HAD TO INVADE. THEY WERE WORKING ON WEAPONS OF MASS DISINTEGRATION. SURE THEY WERE. # I DON'T WANT TO SET THE WORLD ON FIRE # # I JUST WANT TO START # A FLAME IN YOUR HEART. # CAPTIONED BY MEDIA ACCESS GROUP AT WGBH WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ CAPTIONS WERE MADE WITH THE SUPPORT OF NZ ON AIR. ABLE 2015 (WOMAN SCREAMING)