www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 CLOCK TICK-TOCKS RADIO PLAYS DOG BARKS DOG WHINES DOG BARKS Go on, then, Paul. Don't be long. DOG PANTS DOG BARKS Paul? Paul? Paul. GIRL GASPS # "Another Girl, Another Planet" - The Only Ones # I always flirt with death # I look ill but I don't care about it # I can face your threats # And stand up straight and tall and shout about it # I think I'm on another world with you # With you # I'm on another planet with you # With you # Space travels in my blood # There ain't nothing I can do about it # Long journeys wear me out # But I know I can't live without it # I know, I think I'm on another world with you # With you # I'm on another planet with you # With you... # I love it here. You know? It just feels so... Right. Yeah. We're 5,339 miles from home and yet somehow I feel like we belong. I know what you mean. I know you mean. I think this is probably the most fun I've ever had. You know? I'm so glad we came, Clive. Clive? May I? Be my guest. Thank you. I was over there, on my own. That there is a black vampire. Watch out! She bites. How much? $1,349.99. Are you gonna get it? Fair enough. I can't believe we're gonna meet Adam Shadowchild. I know. He's, like, the coolest man in the world. Thank you. Come forth. Welcome my friends. I wanted to say that the Planet 4 Trilogy has been a huge influence on me and my work and Sebastian Rico is a wonderful protagonist. Don't tell me. You're a writer. I am, yeah. Good. He actually won a Nebulon Award in 1992. I'm working on a follow up. I'd love to see that. No, not today. No, it's a legal thing. I'm sure it's... I'm sure it's good. That is a wonderful cover. Three tits. Awesome. That was Graeme. I'm an artist. My illustrator. Move along please, guys. Yes. Er, can I...? Thank you. You've bought a book? No. Then, fuck off. Let's get picture of you, me and Adam. OK, ready? Ready. # "Just the Two of Us" - Bill Withers Yes. Yes. Is that the RV place? Yes. There's definitely two single beds because there's been a bit of a mix up at the hotel. OK, excellent, thank you very much. Have a nice day to you as well. Are they here? It's in the car park. I think you mean the parking lot. (AMERICAN ACCENT) I sure do. Like two American boys. It's amazing, isn't it? We're actually here. America. Huh? How long have we dreamt about this? Since we were kids. Yeah. Now, look at us. Grown men. (BUZZER) Pizza! Hi! Hiya. Good evening, sir. Come on in. Er, where can I set this down? Er, you can put it on the bed. You guys on honeymoon? (BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY) No. No, we're just friends. Not at all. We had a mix up. The reservations were messed up. Pop it on the table. Going on a road trip, huh? Yeah. Yes. What better way to follow a Comic-Con than a tour of America's most famous UFO hot spots? Huh? You know we're going to Area 51 and the Black Mailbox in Nevada and down to Camp Verde, then to Apache Junction then to Roswell, New Mexico, for the site of the famous crash of '47. Everybody knows that. Stop it! It's an alleged site at this point. Why would they admit there was a crash if it happened somewhere else? Agree to disagree. That's what we usually say. Again. Do you believe in aliens? What do you mean, "aliens"? I'll get rid of that, shall I? Get that out of your way. To crease the map is the worst thing. Thank you. Have a nice honeymoon. Oh, thank you. (GROWLS) Argh! That way. Oh! People! Smile. "Watch the Skies" or "Alien on Board"? "Alien on Board", please. OK. If you're sure. So,... how was Comic-Con? We met Adam Shadowchild. Who the hell is Adam Shadowchild? He wrote the Venusian Pangenesis. I didn't read that one. The Jenny Star Pepper and the Great Brass Hen? Nah. The Robot's Mistress? Nah, I like romances. That's kind of a romance. Between a woman and a machine? Er, yeah. I hear that! (LAUGHS) Are you fellas set or can I get you something else? I'd like a refill of coffee, please, Pat. How about you, pumpkin? Er, can I have an ET Malt, please? You want that with the sparkler? Yeah. I'll take that as a yes. I think I might do a toilet. Very funny. You sat on top of that bull, right? And he goes coo-coo-cooter loops! (ALL LAUGH) What? I don't know you. Oooh. Comics. What's that about? How do you thinks that makes me feel? Be rude to me. Ooh, Eggy, an alien just sicked up in my palms. Clive, er,... Hey, I'm joking! They got a soap dispenser like an alien's head. It's brilliant! (Someone's here.) What? Here it comes! Vroom! Vroom! What? Hey, fellas! How you doin' today? What is this, some kind of gay bar? Nah. You can get a bite to eat and maybe share a close encounter. Yep, sounds like a gay bar. Oh. No, we're just friends. You look like you could do with a beer. You go do that! Alright! Yeah. Good. Yes. Leave it, leave it. Thank you very much. What you doin'? Don't put those queer eyes on me! I forgot the sticker! What took you so long? I was putting the sticker up. They're an odd pair. Definitely not kind my kind of people. I doubt very much we'll be seeing them again. (SMASH!) Oh! That wasn't their truck, was it? No. Should I go and have a look? No! The Black Mailbox. Wow. It's probably the coolest thing I've ever seen. Do you remember when we Googled it on your mum's computer and the phone rang and you thought that it was the FBI? I didn't really. You started crying. I had jetlag. You'd only been to Brussels. Go stand next to it. Smile. It's good. Imagine if we got buzzed by a craft. Would be amazing, wouldn't it? Smile. What would you do if they landed? First contact is a big responsibility, isn't it? They come in peace, we go to pieces? That's not how I roll. No. (HORN SOUNDS) Listen. Do you think that's those men? No. Let's get out this freaking place. Let's go. Go, go, go! (HORN SOUNDS) They're gaining. This is like Deliverance. They'll rape us and break our arms. I don't want my arms broken! I need the toilet. You've just been! I've got a child's bladder. (BEEPING) You'll not get past! You want me to ram them? What about the deposit? (BEEPING) It's not them! It's not them! Oh! It's not them! Oh, my God. That was awful. That was very like... (BOTH SCREAM) (DOOR CLOSES / COUGHING) (COUGHING) Hello? Maybe you should call for help. Yeah. It's ringing. I wouldn't do that if I were you. Put... the phone... down. Oh, fuck me! What have you done to him? I didn't do anything, he fainted. But you-you-you made him faint! It's not like I set my phaser to faint. You've got a phaser? No, I don't... Look! Listen. Hey, I really need your help. OK? Can we get this guy back onto your wagon? What... What...? Are you an alien? To you, I am, yes. Are you gonna probe us? Why does everyone always assume that?! Am I harvesting farts? How much can I learn from an ass? I... What? I'm sorry, what's your name? It's Graeme Willy. And what's his name? That's the writer, Clive Gollings. OK, cool. I'm Paul. Paul? Yeah. It's a nickname that stuck. My ship crashed... It doesn't matter! Can we get Clive Gollings back on the RV and get the hell outta here? I... I'm in a pickle. If you don't help me, I could die on this road. I don't know, we're on quite a tight schedule. (SIGHS) Look, man, sometimes you just gotta roll the dice. What do you say? OK. OK. Perfect, great, OK! Help me grab him. This man's peed his pants. Yeah, he's got a child's bladder. Oh, fantastic. Doesn't this thing go any faster? Well, I... I'm sorry, the speed limit is 70 so - Screw the speed limit! Actually, no. Don't screw it. It's good thinking. Stay conspicuous. How come I can understand you? You using some sort of neural language router? I'm speaking English, you fucking idiot! Sorry. You're in shock. I understand this must be very weird for you. Just act normal and drive north. OK? Gotta get as much as we can between us and the Big Guy. "Zoil, what's happening?" He's gone. "Shit!" Looks like he hitched a ride too. What do you mean? Tyre tracks. Bastard jacked a native? Could be two. Don't you think this is a bit of a coincidence? Are you suggesting he knew? Little fucker might've phoned home! There might even be a rescue party on the way. We need to break out the big guns. Do you think that's wise? The last thing we need is... a hu-ha. Maybe you're right. Listen, I got two rookies on a special mission 75 clicks north of you. They'll set up a roadblock. They're civilians, let me take care of it. You might need the extra muscle. Just keep 'em in the dark. I don't want any loose ends. These roads can be treacherous at night. People get in accidents all the time. I like your thinking. Get it done. Heads up! We just got reassigned. Nice! What about the sandwich? She said we could share it. I love this job. Mm-hmm. Ah! 'Back in a tick.' So, who wants Nova's great-value energy? Heaps of people. I knocked at Dr Knox and Jock the Lock's. Doc ` check. Jock ` check. Checked the Chuck's Charcoal Chicken? Uh, checked Chuck's Charcoal Chicken Tuesday. Chook ` check. BOTH: Choice. Hey, did you ring at Kings'? Uh, yep. Kings; Keatings; Kipling's Couplings; Werring's Herrings. Rang at Huang's? I rang Huang and the gang. Met Fang. (GROWLS, YAPS) Dang. Let's nip to Nick's Taranaki Knick-Knacks next. (KNOCKS) Knock-knock, Nick. No Nick? Ah! 'Back in a tick.' It's Greg Grover from Nova. CHUCKLES: Oh, don't start that all over. # "Hello It's Me" - Todd Rundgren (SLOSHING) Aahh. (SPLASHING) Who? Huh? (DOOR CLOSES) I needed that. I love pistachios. I hate when you get a closed one, right? I usually just bite them. Tap them, if they don't open on their own, you throw them away. No, that's mussels. No, I eat the pistachios. What are you doing?! Who are you? He's OK, he's fine, he's friendly! His name's Paul! Aliens aren't called Paul. Was that Klingon? You psychotic nerd! Listen, Paul is from a small M Class planet in the northern spiral arm of the Andromeda Galaxy. Thank you. He looks too obvious! There's a reason for that Clive! Over the last 60 years, the human race has been drip-fed my face on lunchboxes, and T-shirts and shit. In case our species do meet, you don't have a fucking spaz attack! I did not have a spaz attack! Don't do it again! You fucking dorf, get your fat fingers outta there! If I get an infection, you're dead! Oh, my God! Oh, shit. Paul. Paul? OK, OK, this could be it. So, what are we looking for again? I don't know. What brings you to the USA? Er, we're on holiday. We've been to Comic-Con. Comic-Con? Don't tell O'Reilly. He loves that dweeb shit. You guys know Benny Hill? No. No. Oh, my God, look at this! What? Look at this! What? These guys met Adam Shadowchild. Who the hell's Adam Shadowchild? He wrote the Jupiter Praxis. What? Jenny Starpepper and the Huge White Gibbon? Huh? Night of the Moths? Are you speaking English? Boss, he's brilliant. What was he like? He was a bit intense. Well, he's an artist. Let me see this. What is this, nerd porn? No, that's Clive's. It's my novel. OK. Three tits! That's awesome. You should've given her four tits. That's just sick! I was just sayin'. Do you think this is it? Doubtful. What else did you find in there? Not much. Just some pissy jeans. Oh, Clive's got a child's - Shut up. Sorry. You guys can go. (BOTH) Thank you. Can I have my...? Thanks very much. May I ask what you're searching for? No. Thank you. Come on, Graeme. Way to go, Dirty Harry. You got that? Did I catch it? Oh, my God, like a cold I caught it. It's pretty obvious what happened there, isn't it? Is it? The government used some neuro toxic paint on the Black Mailbox. Caused a shared hallucination about an alien, it makes complete sense. (BOTH) Oh! (TYRES SCREECH) Psh! Psh! Your dick is gone. Oh, no. What? Come on, grow up. You guys seen my shorts? How...? How did you do that? How did you go invisible? Oh, it's a camouflage response. Like Predator? I can only do it while holding my breath. You can do it any time you want? Any time. That's just like him. (MIMICS PREDATOR) Argh! Am I the only sane person here? Eh? It's alright for you, isn't it? You'll go back to Area 51, we'll be arrested for harbouring a fugitive and sent to Guantanamo Bay! Why don't I go make some bagels and coffee? Leave you two alone. (HUMS) What's the matter, Clive? There's an alien in the kitchen making bagels and coffee. Did you want tea? No, I don't want tea! Cos tea is weird in America, right? They leave the bag in. What's weird is we picked up an extra terrestrial hitchhiker and you seem completely fine with it! (SINGS) Bagels and coffee. Ooh, Marmite. He said his life's in danger. He needs our help. Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice. What if we wake up and find him inserting a probe into our anus? Apparently they don't do that. Anyone, want one of these? Eh, anyone? Anyone? Huh? 48, 49, 50. Coming, ready or not, you sonofabitch. Where's the other one? I don't know, sir. Er,... Haggard! Sorry, just we were... Haggard! (Fuck.) (LAUGHS) Nice, er,... (Get over here it's a guy with a badge.) We were just playing hide and seek cos we had lot of time. (Hurry up.) I was hiding. You have any traffic through here? No, just a couple of hillbilly types. Yeah. Two nerds in an RV. Nerds, huh? They've come from Comic-Con! They met Adam Shadowchild. Who the hell is Adam Shadowchild? He wrote Prison Hawk 441. Jenny Starpepper and the Spinning Worm. Fluxing your Anus. You know you're grown man, right? Probably shave, pay taxes? Have pubic hair? All of those things. Did you search that vehicle? Yes, sir. What'd you find? Nothing much, just a book with a green woman with three... titties. Three titties. Three tits, that's awesome. Oh, and some pissy jeans. Pissed on himself. Close that. Pre-existing problem. Listen, you freaking fuck, I want everything you can remember about the pissy nerds. What about the road block, sir? It didn't work. (HORN SOUNDS) Hey! Reese's Pieces! Yes, thank you. Heard there was a commotion on the road after Rachel. Funny, I didn't hear nothing. It must've been the boys out on the paste. Yeah. Hey. Shhh. That's a bit much, isn't it? What? Put it all back! What about Paul's Reese's Pieces? Just hurry up! You go ahead. Are you sure? Thank you. Is that beast outside yours? (BOTH) What? What do you mean beast? Your RV? Oh, the... Yes, the RV is ours. Yes. Where are you boys from? (BOTH) England. I heard about England. No guns. No, not many. Not really. Just, you know, farmers. How are police supposed to shoot anybody? They don't. They try not to. 15.58. Er, 20. Keep the change. And give it to charity or something. You did amazing, Graeme! That cop didn't suspect a thing! And Clive, you didn't pee you pants. I don't mean to be a stick in the mud but you are asking a lot of us, alright? We've just met, we don't know where we're going or why. Do you not think we're due an explanation? The less you guys know the better. I want you to have plausible deniability. Let's just say, I spent a long time at that base thinking I was a guest. Turns out... I was a prisoner. But don't worry. I got it all under - (THUD!) (ALL SCREAM) Fuck, that made me jump. Poor little thing. Nothing you could've done mate. Eew! What are you doing? Just watch. It's a miracle! Man, I'm gonna miss these. Mmm-mm-mm! Why would you do that? I'm not gonna eat a dead bird, am I? (BURPS) Meet the all-new King Meaty at BK. With Ploughman's Chutney, a third-pound Angus beef patty, Tendercrisp chicken, bacon and a hint of vegetable. It's all part of the irresistible new Meatatarian Range. # "Don't Bring Me Down" - Electric Light Orchestra (PAUL SINGS) # You got me thinking that I'm wasting my time # Don't bring me down Eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock. Come on, it's fun! If you think about it, it's time travel. Eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock. Yes, alright! Let me see, let me see. No, just sit still. You gonna draw me like one of your French girls, Jack? I'm joking. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just don't make me look fat. First gravity adds 10 pounds. Paul. Could I ask you a question? Shoot! Have you ever done that to a person? Yes, I've eaten many people. I'm joking, big guy. Relax! No, I mean, you know, fix them? Oh, no! Not a dead person. Recently dead bird is one thing, dead person, whole other ball game. It's dangerous for me. The damage can bounce back on me. (YAWNS) Sorry, am I boring you? Heard this one before? Are you tired, sausage? Don't call me that in front of him! Are you tired though? Eggy, I'm bushed! You know what? We're tired. Let's pull over and stop for the night. We're fugitives. I refuse to just sit around and wait around to get fingered by the Men in Black. We gotta find somewhere quiet and don't draw attention to ourselves. But where are we going, Paul? Oh, you'll know it when you see it. Two white guys? Two, strange... Strange white guys, got it. Order anything weird? Chocolate. Chocolate, awkward. "Zoil, report." We've tracked him to a gas station in Eli. We think he may be travelling in an RV with two men from England. New England? Old England. Creepy. What are they, MI6? Negative, just couple of nerds from Comic-Con. Something's not right. I think he's getting help from the inside. I want those nerds iced and that little green prick get back in his fishbowl or dead, ASAP. I'm closing in. In 24 hours he'll wish he never set foot on Earth. OK. Here we are, this is the place. Yeah, this looks good. Doesn't look like anyone's been murdered here. Awfully quiet. Quiet is good, Graeme. Quiet is our friend. Hi there! (There's a girl outside.) Er, OK. Right. We're just a couple of regular guys on a tour of the less touristy side of the American Midwest. I don't think she heard you. I'm talking to you. Oh, sorry. Hi. I'm Ruth Buggs. Good evening, Ruth. I am the writer, Clive Gollings. This is my friend and cohort, Mr Graeme Willy. Hi. Have you got room? Sure, yeah, park in bay nine. It's $25 a night, including hook ups and I'll need an to hold on to. OK. There you go, it's my passport. The UK. I love the UK. Have you been? No. You should go. Oh. OK. No, no, no. I mean, you should go to London. There's a lot of places I wanna go. Ruth! Ruth, get in here! I'll be by in the morning to get your money. Have a pleasant evening. Thank you. And you. Bye. She was lovely. Why don't you just marry her then? Boo! Hey! (SHOUTING) About 30 seconds ago I did it. What took you so long? I was just talking, Papa. You talk too much. Sorry, Papa. # "Dancing in the Moonlight" - King Harvest Hello. Want a cigarette? No thanks, I don't smoke. Can I ask you something? Yeah, sure. You and Graeme, you guys, er,... What? You know? You know? You guys, two guys... Are you getting me? (GRUNTS / GROANS) What do you...? (GRUNTS / GROANS) I don't know what you mean. Gay! No! Why do people keep saying that? I was just wondering. Totally cool, if you are. Everyone's bi on my planet. It's all about the pleasure thing. Why you here, Paul? Oh, I was here on a science mission actually. And then I... ..had some spaceship related problems. And I kinda... crashed. Lucky for me though, this little girl pulls me out of the wreck next thing I know, guys arrive cart me off to the base. What have you been doing here all this time? You know. I've been kicking back, man. I've been shooting shit. I've been advising the government. Not just the government. I want him to have some kind of a special power, you know? Yeah. Something messianic. OK, Steven. How about cellular revivification? Yeah, I don't know what that is. Restoration of damaged tissue through telepathic manipulation of intrinsic field memory. What's that mean? It means, "healing", Mr Spielberg. Yeah, right. Like by touch? Its finger lights up when he reaches out and touches. Maybe. You know, sometimes I find less is more. Hey. Trust me. You'd be surprised how he's influenced popular culture over the last 60 years. Agent Mulder was right. Agent Mulder was my idea! Really? Yeah! That's cool. Ooh, pump that shit, Earth Man. I like this song. Marvin's my boy. Come on. # "Got to Give it Up" - Marvin Gaye Break it down. Don't be afraid. Yeah, look at me, I'm breaking it down. Use them tongs! Dance with those tongs! Stoke the fire. Yes. # "Got to Give it Up" - Marvin Gaye Yee-ha! Ruth! Prayers! I don't know the words to this song. No-one does. Hey, guys, let's get fucked up! (SNORES) (KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh, who's knocking? Stop it. What are you doing? Oh, shut up. I'll hide in here. Don't come out. Why would I come out? Who is it? It's Ruth. Don't you dare open... ..that door. Hi. Hi. Good morning. May I come in? No. Yeah, come on in. I don't think you should come in. Not really dressed. In you come. So, where's the other one? The other one? It's just... It's OK. We don't charge by the person. There were three shadows I saw dancing around the RV last night. The other one. Oh, he... I'm in the can. I ate a closed pistachio. (FARTS) I'm paying for it. That's a nice T-shirt. Oh, thanks. I got it at my church. It's Jesus shooting Charles Darwin. Why would Jesus wanna shoot Charles Darwin? Because of his blasphemous theories. Are you men of God? Men of science. We believe in the establishment of a biological order through the maelstrom of physical and chemical chaos. The world is 4,000 years old and can only be the product of intelligent design. Horseshit! Er, alright. Well, then, please explain how something as complex as the human eye simply just comes into being? It's the combination of billions of years of development across countless species! What are you talking about? Evolution, baby! Oh! Blasphemy! Blasphemy? Nothing that you can say can shake my beliefs. You do realise - In the knowledge that God made Heaven and Earth and created us all in his own image. His own image? Yeah. Well, I got a question. How do you explain me? She's going. She's falling. Catch her. And that's Jenga. Why did you do that? I... She fainted! We've gone through this! But we have to take her with us now! No. No. This is America. Kidnapping a Christian is worse than harbouring a fugitive. Yeah, but she's seen you. If we leave, she's gonna call the police. No-one's gonna believe this God-bothering Cyclops let's just dump her on the road! We can't risk that. If we take her with us, we can get her on our side. You'd love that. That doesn't make sense. Look, she'll be fine. We're quite nice! Alright. What about my passport? Oh, God! Guys. Oh, no! (SNIGGERS) Oh, shit! What in the Lord's name...? Morning. Morning. Go, go, go, go, go! Oh, fuck! Show yourself, demon! Where are you?! Where are you? Passport, passport! Jump, jump! That's actually small on my planet. Er, Ruth? Hello, Ruth. Would you like a cup of tea? Where am I? Hey, look who's awake? Demon! Demon! No, no, we're sorry. We're not gonna hurt you, I promise. We'll let you go as soon as we can. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan. He's evil! I'm here! He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. We're trying to help him get home. He's from another world. There's only one world. Our world! The world that God created! If it makes you feel any better, my existence disproves the traditional idea of a Christian god as well as all one world theology. # Amazing Grace # How sweet the sound... # I can't win with these people! Ruth, just listen to me for one second, if you could just calm down. I can't drive like this. (ALL TALK) (SINGS) Fuck this! What did you do to her? I transferred my collective knowledge and experience via tactile psycho-kinetic bridge. Wow, could you do me? It really takes it out of me. Oh, go on, please. Oh, wow Oh, yeah. He always knew what was going on in Battlestar first cos he had cable. Fine, pull over, I'll do you. Absolutely not, no spoilers! I didn't call the government, I called the police! This is not the police's area of expertise. That devil took my daughter. What do you mean devil? And your daughter's name is Ruth? That's right. I brought her up by myself after her mother died. Do you have a photograph of her, sir? She's pretty easy to spot. She's had this eye thing since she was four. Do you have a phone here that your daughter might try to call? Yeah, in the back. Hey, Peter Parker. Wanna put the snappy down and get to the phone? Right. She'll call me if she can. You mentioned they went East? (PHONE RINGS) They'll get off the 191 after Flaming Gorge. Fuck you. Here we go. Boys, to the car. Mind telling us what we're looking for? What are we looking for? I told you this is a need-to-know operation. Yes sir. But... Dammit! "Sir, I think it's time you tell us." "Hey, just do what the fuck I tell you, Haggard." "Let's go find that crazy bastard's little girl before it's too late." Ruth! Ruth, wait! Leave me alone! Please, stop, I've got shin splints. Argh, argh. He... He can not be from space. It's not possible! OK? He's from somewhere else! Look, Ruth, you saw it for yourself. he showed you. There's probably billions of intelligent civilizations out there. So, where is everybody? I... One of them's there! Are they looking? Are they looking? Are they looking right now? Sorry. That's pathetic. What's your beef, Clive? I don't have beef. I'm from outer space, you're a science fiction writer. We should be best buds. It's not you. It's me. Is that what this is? You're jealous of her? It's not just that. Whoa. Of me? This is because me and Graeme got two minutes when you were asleep? Is that what this is? I wanted it to be special, you know? I have dreamt about meeting you. Ever since I saw Mac and Me. And I blew it. Now you two are friendly and he's off talking to girls and it's like where am I? Come on, man! This is special. You guys being all nerdy and shit and meeting me, that is fate. Who cares if you pissed your pants, man? When I first got here, first time I saw a human, I puked. You guys are weird looking, you've giant bodies, tiny heads. You're just being nice now. Look, do you want a little sugar? It's just knowledge and experience. You're a writer. Might give you some inspiration. Will it hurt? Only if you struggle. Alright. So there's no heaven, no hell. No right, no wrong, no sin? (HORN SOUNDS) What? I can drink? If you like. I can fornicate? Maybe. I can curse. Well, yeah. Penises! Ruth! Assing hairy boobs, poop, farting, buttholes! Ruth, I'm not sure this is helping! What are you doing? Stop it! Why? Why should I stop? This is... Because you have your whole life to explore new things. OK? Doesn't necessarily mean you should be exploring mine right now. You said you wanted to travel, to see new stuff. This is your chance! I really think you should come with us. Where would I sleep? I'll sleep on the sofa. And then you can have my bed. I'd push the tissues off with a pen if I were you cos I've had cold. Oh. # "Chase the Devil" - Max Romero Ruth has decided that she would like to come with us. (SIGHS) Wicked. I'm gonna go freshen up. Hey. Ruth! Wait up. You don't smoke. I just wanted to say thanks. I know this is been weird for you but... you saved my life and I owe you one. OK? OK? What have you got there? Severe epiretinal membrane complicated by macular oedema in your left vitreous cavity? How did you know that? Lucky guess. Do you mind if I take a look at it for one second? What does it say in the Old Testament? An eye for an eye? Wait, I don't... It's OK. You can trust me. I don't know. Just have a little faith, OK? How did you do that? Evolution, baby. Um, Graeme? Yeah? Oh, my God. Clive. Oh, my God. (LAUGHS) What you gonna do? Come on, make your move. Oh shit, dammit. (HORN SOUNDS) Oh! Hey, check it out, check it out! This is easy. Small corrections, Paul, make small corrections. Get to the right! Hey, there, sleepy face. Fuckaroo, that was the best titty farting sleep I've ever had. Er, I got a feeling that you're new to cursing, Ruth. Look, cursing's fun, you just gotta pick your moments, OK? Maybe we should stop for some food, is anybody hungry? Fuck yeah! Ruth? You bet your big fat cock I am! Nice! I'm starving. What's new fat hair? It's not fat, Paul, it's power. Fat power. You're rude. You're rude. Maybe I should call my dad. What? What? Why? I've been gone a day, if he calls the police they'll be looking for us. If I don't there's a good chance that we end up in Shit Butt City. You're really getting the hang of this. Thanks, dick milk. # "Cantina Band" - Syd Masters and the Swing Riders I won't be long. OK, be careful. (PHONE RINGS) "Ruth Buggs?" Yes? "Listen to me carefully. I want you to tell me where you are." Who is this? My name is Agent Zoil and it's very important you tell me where you are and where you are headed, Miss Buggs. I can't tell you. I mean, I don't know. "You've been abducted." The individual that you're travelling with is highly dangerous. Oh, no, he's not dangerous. I mean, he's kind of rude, he curses a lot and a couple of times I've seen him scratch his spaceman balls. Please listen to me. Your father is extremely worried about you and we'd like to get you home, Miss Buggs. He showed me things. She's talking about his spaceman balls. I'm trying to help you. I don't know what's real any more, I'm confused. We got the bitch! Yeah, dog, up high! "Dammit Haggard! Miss -" Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa. Slow down there, baby. I have to get to my friends. What's the rush? I got a friend down here who'd love to meet you. Oh, what the fuck? Hey, hey! Hey. Hey, how's your dad? We gotta go. What about the pizzas? Now! Holy shit! It's the space faggots and the fuck mobile! Yeah, we were just leaving. I don't feel well. Oh, shit, sailors! Excuse me, miss. Papa? Ruth. My Lord, your eye! Come on, let's go! What about my dad? Where are you goin' girls?! Leave us alone, you stupid vaginas! That's no way for a pretty thing like you to talk! She's fairly new to it to be honest! Leave this to me, I'll talk to them. Yo, fuck nuts! It's probing time. Ha! Only one of us fainted. (SIRENS) Oh, shit, the 5-0! Let's bounce! I'm sorry. They answered the phone. They knew about us. Get in the RV! Come on, they're gonna wake up! Hurry! Sorry. We need to get off the road. Shouldn't we keep moving? No, that is exactly what they'll expect us to do, trust me! Only an idiot would stop right now! Yeah, pull in here, pull in here. That's perfect. What?! We're idiots, remember? What should we do now? Well, how about hot chocolate and bed? What are you, my grandma? Oh, I couldn't sleep. I'm too pumped. Yeah, me too. Let's get some beers. What do you say? What if someone sees you? It's dead out there. And I can do this. OK, I'm in. Rocky? Sure. Bullwinkle? Well, I'm a little bit tired. Don't be a pussy. Don't call me a p... Alright. Alright, come on. Ruth. Get your hands off me. Boss. Something I can help you with? Yeah, you mind telling me what happened here? A good old-fashioned beer soaked slobber-knocker. See anything unusual? Couple of hillbillies in the back of that meat wagon won't stop crying. Have you gentlemen seen anything unusual this evening? Are we sure? Thank you. No sweat. It's a nice window. It's the little cowboy, isn't it? (LAUGHS) Oh. I'll tell you what else is funny. It was when you kissed me yesterday. Sorry. No. I was like, "Get off me, you rapist!" Do it again if you like. What? I said, you can do it again if you like. Really? If you're gonna try it, then maybe you should do it with a friend, rather than some stranger because there's a lot weirdoes out there. Oh, I am planning on doing a lot of kissing and fornicating so you'd really be helping me out. Great. What do you mean now? I thought you meant... Yeah, I did but... let's do it now. Um, my hands on you. Stand here? OK. Hold steady Fuck! I'm sorry. I thought I was gonna pass out. Carry on. What's up, mate? Nothing, just hanging around. They were about to make out. It was awkward. We were just... Good. Please put your shorts on, Paul. Do you guys partake? No, thank you. I'll partake. Are you sure? It's pretty strong shit. I get it from the military. This is the stuff that killed Dylan. Bob Dylan's not dead. Isn't he? Hit me. OK, just, you know, go easy on it. Ruth. A little bit, a little bit. Yeah? It's not so bad. To be fair, it takes a while to be absorbed... (LAUGHS) I'm hungry. We should cook up some sausages. Do we have any sausages? Er,... What do you mean? Why do you hate me? Can we go cook up some sausages? Oh, I have wasps in my brain! (THUD!) She'll be fine. That happened to me the first time. Paul,... I wanted to ask ` you know us now, right? Yeah, Graeme, we're like bonafide BFFs. Why are you in such a hurry to leave now? Well, according to the government, I fulfilled my usefulness. I told them everything I know, the only thing I have to offer them now are my abilities. The healing, the thought transfer, the camouflage. In order to cultivate the abilities, they need some of my stem cells. I'm not down with that. Luckily, I have one friend left on the inside. The man should get an SOS beamed into space, I got my people primed and ready to pick me up. The motherfuckers brought the procedure forward by a day and my plan goes to shit! What happened? On the way to the lab I zapped my escort, stole his car, I took off. Found you guys. So what happens if you get caught? Graeme, they're gonna cut out my brain. Oh. Yeah, it's fucked. It's kind of a buzz kill. Let's lighten the mood. Clive, when did you last get laid? (LAUGHS) Oh, hmm. Er, Collector Mania, London... (BOTH) 08. Ewok chick. Clive likes boning space bears! Shut up! Seriously, be honest with me. What was it like? Well,... she was furry nice. (ALL LAUGH) That's disgusting! That's gross! Hey, Clive. Oh, Boomer, it's forbidden. Hey, Clive. Clive! Let's go, guys! We gotta get outta here. Where's Ruth? She went back to the RV. (LAUGHS) Of course. He can read minds. Come on Er, guys, I think we have a slight problem over here. Oh, man. I can't hold my breath the whole way through town. Wait here. Oi! Wait. (HORN SOUNDS) Morning. Agent Zoil, Secret Service. Do you mind if I come in and ask you a few questions? Not at all. Morning. Why are we holding hands? So we look like a family. Yeah, the fucking Friedmans. You could be a midget. You're obsessed with midgets. No, I'm not. Stop it, act normal. We're a couple of regular guys walking down the street with a small cowboy. Alright, Clive? Clive? Clive. Oh, come on! Clive, what are you doing? Yeah, man, what the fuck? I want it. I can appreciate it's a bargain but this is not Comic-Con, it's reality. False economy anyway. It'll break first time you use it. Why would I ever use it? Can we just go please? Wait, maybe we should go inside. What? We'll hide out. Go back and get Ruth. Get the RV, pick us up in 10 minutes. You sure? Trust me. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Morning. My name is Agent Zoil, Secret Service, mind if I come in and ask you a few questions? Do you mind if we do it right here? OK. This place is a real cocksucking mess. Got it. I'm telling you. We're looking for a goddamn alien. I thought that Project Bluebook stuff was horseshit. Nah, it all makes sense. All this hush-hush crap, the drawing I found and what do you think that girl was talking about last night? Holy shit! Spaceman balls. Yeah, and who has spaceman balls? Buzz Aldrin? Be serious. Hello, handsome. Is that you? Er, huh? Is that you on the cover? I... Pfft! No. What's your name? Keith Nash. Nice to meet you. I'm Paul. Right. So, er, you're not freaked out by me? Mmm, yes and no. You mind taking a look at these photographs, tell me if you recognise these gentlemen or the one-eyed girl? Ma'am? No. Anything? Anything at all? Uh-uh. I mean, you've looked? This is an alien? Yeah. This is huge. I know. I know. Is that a comic book shop? Can we go in there? Maybe. If you're good. Thanks so much for your time, Mrs? Darwin. Charlotte Darwin. Charlotte Darwin, have a great day. You should get this one. Thanks. Yeah, it's good. Nice! I like your style, Keith Nash. I gotta go. Catch you later. Bye, Paul. Don't get caught. Happy trails. Huh? Ha! Pretty good. Pretty good. Er, how much is that? With the sword, 299.99. Plus tax. Yeah, I'll wear it now. Come on, man, let's go! Be right out! Should use a cufflink thing. Spaceman balls? (FLIES UNZIP) Get your goddamn hands off my motherfucking junk! (SCREAMS) (SQUEALS) It's in there! Hello. O'Reilly! You dumb shit that's just an asshole in a mas...k. Holy Mary Mother of God. (GASPS) I gotta quit smoking. (SCREAMS) Shit! Go in behind me! Hurry up, butt crocks! Look, it's that nerd. (GROANS) Oh, yeah! Who's that kid? Keith Nash. Punch it! Who's that kid? Car's ready? Yes, sir. What's going on? Did you get me some information? We saw it, we saw the alien. It was in the comic book shop. I think I shit my pants! What are you talking about? You know what? You know exactly what we're talking about! I'm sick and tired of being in the dark - Where the fuck did he go? I got your door for you. I got mine. With... With those nerds. So you wanna follow us, big guy? You kids are gonna back to the base. Uh-huh. Daddy's gonna stick behind. Do a little adult work. Tell me which way the green guy went. North... North East highway! North East highway. Straight home now. Sorry, guys, it's my dad! This guy doesn't quit! Kinda have to respect it. God, Graeme, drive faster. Go away, Dad! Calm down. Those asshordes are gonna catch us! Calm down. Pull over. What do you mean pull over? Pull over! That's it. This is too dangerous. I can make it on my own from here. What do you mean? No, Graeme, you've done enough. I'll boost a car. I can drive an automatic! You're a terrible driver! He's right, you can't even drive a spaceship. I'm close now. I'll be fine! But we've come all this way. At what cost? I've shaken your faith, almost gotten you killed! I just want to get home. You are going home. We've come too far to let you do this alone. What happened to BFFs? We're in this together! You bet your hairy love eggs we are! The last 72 hours have been the ride of my life and I'm fucked if I'm getting off now! Yeah, me too. And me. Well, that settles it. We're all fucked. Thank you, guys, so much. If you're absolutely sure, there's a little something you can do for me. (PLAYS TUNE) Seems rather fitting. Hmm. That wasn't difficult, was it? No, not at all. Hello. Hello. That'll be 299.99. Plus tax. Hmm, same as the swords. Look, they're running. Holy shit! Get the door! Can you drive this thing? I've been driving these my whole life. (ENGINE STARTS) Come on, get in, get in! Graceful! "Zoil, picked up a 911 outside of Prospect." "Fireworks store just got ripped off by two British nerds in an RV." Sonofabitch! "According to the local beacon, they're on the 14, 40 miles west of you. Drive like a man, you'll catch up them in 30." "Cops are standing down, you better spin your ass around." Roger that! "Don't make me come out there. I'm at the Governor's Ball tonight and I'm dressed up real nice." Where the hell does this 14 go? "You tell me." I don't know, you got Thermopolis, you got Lytle Creek. "Holy shit." "Moorcroft's on the 14." "You don't think..." "Son of a bitch is going back. He's gonna try and make contact." "Bring me back my space monkey and you get Level 5 clearance and perks. "Better parking space would be good." I don't know. He looked mad. Fuck him. He's a dinosaur. It's time for some new blood. We're nearly there. This is where we've been heading? No, I just need to make a little stop first. Do you think we have time to be making stops? This is something I have to do. OK, stop here, that's good. That's close enough. (GROANS) Shouldn't we park a bit closer? No. We don't wanna scare her. Scare who? You knock. You knock. I always knock. Who's there? Er, is that Tara Wilton? Leave me alone! Miss Wilton, my name is Clive Gollings. I'm here with my friend, Mr Graeme Willy. (DOOR UNLOCKS) Now, what do you want? We're here with the alien that killed your dog 60 years ago. Let's go, let's just go. What is this, some kind of a joke? Hey, Tara. You? (CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY) It's a very loud clock, isn't it? You have a nerve showing your face here after all these years. Maybe I should make some tea. I'll do it. (SIGHS) OK. Er, look, Tara I... I only just stopped believing in you, you know? I've spent a very long time trying to convince folks about what happened that night. Everyone said I was mad! They told me it was a meteor that squashed little Paul. They said that I was concussed, hallucinating but I knew you were real. I pulled you from that spaceship myself. I kept you warm and comfortable. I sat with you till the men came to take you away. Well, word got out about my story. Kids used to come and throw stones at the house. Call me names. And I just hid myself away. I'd spend whole nights up just staring at the sky hoping that I'd catch a glimpse of you. And here you are. Um, I'm sorry, you know, if I could've done it any other way I... Oh, it's OK. You're real. That's all that matters. I was right. And all those folks that said I was crazy well, they can all just go fuck themselves. I, er,... I brought something for you. I thought you might want it back. Er, here you go. Oh, thank you. Who do you suppose that is? Where did that come from? Holy shit, it's them! I'll take the front! (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS / COUGHS) What the fuck are you doing here? Go, go! Haggard! Alien! Shit! Haggard, where's the party, man? There's no-one in this place! Come on, help me out! Oh, fuck! Freeze, motherfucker! So weak. The alien. Give me the... Give me the fucking alien! No. Fuck! Watch it. Give me the alien! Get your own alien! Arrrggghhh! Run! Is Tara with us? Tara, come this way. Oh, man balls. It's my dad! Are you OK? Am I heavy? I told you it's not fat, it's power! Oh, great. We should've parked closer. No, sir, they're mine! Consider that a warning! Crazy bastard! Got you, you spacefreak. Ruth! Get back here! Just go home! Oh, I got you, sucker. (HISSING) Coming... Ready or not. Oh, fuck. Papa. Ruth, wait! Papa! Papa! It's OK, he's alright. He's OK. He's OK. Wait for me! Don't worry. Graeme! Ruth, drive! Come on, Graeme! Don't leave me! Never. You scared the shit out of me. Why aren't you driving? I told you, it's easy! Got it, got it, got it! Shit, shit, shit! Oh, OK. Small corrections! Small corrections! Oh, my weed! (SOBS) (GUN CLICKS) Motherfucking titty sucking two-ball bitch! "Zoil, progress report." This is Haggard, sir! Agent Zoil is no longer in command! "I don't give a shit. Where the fuck are they?" Just ahead of me, heading east towards Lytle Creek! "I don't wanna hear from anybody till that cocksucker is dead!" Yes, sir. Ma'am. Goddammit. This is official government business! Stand down or I'm authorised to use deadly force! That thing has my daughter! This isn't your mission! I'm on a mission from God! Tell him you failed! Ugh! Shit, we got company! He's trying to overtake us! Don't let him get past! Should I ram him? What about the deposit? Fuck the deposit! Oh, fuck! Come on! Smile you sonofabitch! Eyes forward, butthorn. Argh! Do you think he'll be OK? Yeah, he'll be fine. "Haggard?" Zoil. "Where are the others?" One crashed and burnt, the other just burnt. "It's been one fuck up after another. I should've handled it." I am very close, you give me 1 hour. "An hour? I'll be eating canapes with the governor, I need this wrapped up now." They're mine, dammit. I'm gonna finish this once and for all! "Too late, Zoil. I'm bringing in the big guns." Boring conversation anyway. Fare thee well, my friend. You were a faithful and mighty steed. I can't believe she's gone. Need a better bag of tits. Oh, what'll we do now, Paul? Paul? Paul, where are you going? See? What did I tell you, fellas? You'd know it when you saw it. (BOTH) Of course. Huh, right. Shoots flaming balls. Oooh. Can you light the fucking thing? Fireworks are not toys. What is the suggested safe distance? Right, er,... 500 feet. (LIGHTER CLICKS) That's gonna be put us behind the tree line. Yeah, that's true. (LAUGHS) Now you're running, huh? It's not funny, that's dangerous! What now? We wait. (CHATTERING) Oh, no you don't. Wait a minute. "Stay where you are, you little green bastard!" It's the Big Guy. Well, what do you know? Small world. Paul! Zoil? Ah! Argh! Don't fucking move. Did...? OK. Everyone be cool. Just be cool. I gotta say I'm a little hurt, Agent Zoil. He introduced me to my wife, he's my friend. You stupid sonofabitch. You could've been where I am in 15 years. I don't wanna be where you are. Too bad. Let's go, Mork. Don't call me Mork. No. You don't have to do this. He's going nowhere. Can it, nerds. What do you think you can bring to the table at this point in the game? Blind fury. Oh. False economy, I told you. Step aside,... fag. Oh, dude! Insane! Leave him alone! Ow! Get away from her, you bitch! Ow! (GROANS) Zoil, you OK, man? So much for the plan, huh? I know, right? I'm sorry I zapped you at the farm house. Sorry I wasn't there to meet you at the base by the time I got there you'd gone. But you got yourself a plan B, huh? Did I ever? These are my friends. Pleasure to meet you, you did a hell of a job. Thank you, Agent Zoil. Please call me Lorenzo. (BOTH) Lorenzo Zoil? That's right. Ruth! Papa? (GUNSHOT) That was close. Oh, my. No! Oh, God, Graeme. Graeme? I never meant to... Put the gun down, Mr Buggs! Drop the fucking gun, Dad! Oh, no! I really liked this T-shirt. This is all my fault. We should never come on holiday. No, no, no. It's fine, Clive. We've had a good time, haven't we? Yeah. But you got shot. Yeah, I know, but I can honestly say this is the most fun I've ever had. Graeme? Graeme? Graeme! I've gotta try, right? Yeah? No, no. Paul. Think about this. (GASPS) Paul! Paul? (COUGHS / GROANS) (GROANS) Oh, that sucked And I don't even get to eat him. Wasn't that really, really dangerous? Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice. It's a miracle! The Lord has delivered His healing hand. You can't win with these people. Sorry you got killed by my dad. That's fine. Do you wanna try that kiss again? Fuck yeah. (CLEARS THROAT) Well, ain't this - I changed my mind. That is Jenga. Oh, it's good. That's a nice one of you. Thank you. Mr Buggs. It's been a hell of a ride. Sorry I frightened the shit out of you. You didn't frighten me, you freed me. I'm glad. Hmm, that's nice. Thanks. Hey, take care of her, big man. I will, sir. And God be with you. Yeah, whatever dude. Sure. Say bye to Karen for me. Safe trip, Short Round. Thanks. Oh, you're coming with me. What? I ruined your life, Tara. I think it's only right I give you a new one. But I don't have my toothbrush. Baby, where we're going, you don't need teeth. That's right, run on. Get in there, girl. Yeah, she's coming with me. Let her in. Gentlemen. I, er,... I meant to ask, what did you think of the book? I liked it, actually. Liked it. There's a lot of good ideas in it. I kinda found it hard to finish, to be honest. Yeah. Yeah, me too. Keep it for the journey home if you like. Oh, yeah. Definitely. It's safe to say we've all learned something from this. Be yourselves, speak from your heart, some shit like that. Yeah, I certainly feel a bit different. And me. Thank you, guys. No, thank you. Yeah, thanks, Paul. Hugs? Clive, I can feel your boner. (BOTH LAUGH) Till next time. It's so cool, isn't it? It's amazing! Goodbye! See ya! Goodbye! This ship takes off very slowly. It's a little awkward. Goodbye. Take off faster! Come on! (SIGHS) That was good, wasn't it? # "All Over the World" - Electric Light Orchestra Sorry, who are you? Someone who loves you. Hey! I thought you were coming as Wonder Woman today. Will you please welcome the team behind this year's multi-Nebulon award-winnning bestseller. These are friends of mine. I'm very proud of you, Graeme. I'm very proud of you, Sausage. Come on. # Everybody walking down the street # Everybody moving to the beat... Pat Stevens. Like Pat Stevens from Chapter One? The very same. I always pictured you taller. Well, you'll see me standing up. Oh, I'd like that. # Everybody come along with me # We're gonna hit the night down in gay Paris I didn't realise you were so damn pretty. You should see me out of these crazy clothes. I'd like that. I can't. # Everybody everywhere is gonna feel it tonight... I understand apparently they are citing me as the... as the... What? Fuck! Please welcome to the stage, Clive Gollings and Graeme Willy. (BOTH) Three, two, one. Congratulations. # All over the world # Everybody got the word Graeme! Clive! I know those guys! # Everybody all around the world # Gotta tell you what I just heard # Everybody walkin' down the street # I know a place where we can meet # Everybody gonna have a good time