Smoking's bad for you. Oi, Goldilocks, party's over! (HISSES) Who the... Jesus! Are you him? Yeah, I'm him. My daughter's a good girl. She's a cow whose daughter's invaded my home. You know, I've heard about you. You're trouble, apparently. That family, they're nothing but trouble. Guess that explains it. Explains what? What we gave going on. Which is? Along the lines of this. You reckon, do you? Nah, I know. Mum, there's somebody I would like you to meet. Hello, Wolf's mum. Rita. Hi. I'm Cheryl. She think she owns the place. No consideration for us. Oh. Morning, Rita. Get out! Ted, put a lock on the door! You're a bloody locksmith! Yeah, I'll get around to that. It's bloody rude. Mum! Morning, Rita. Come on, Rita. She's hardly the Antichrist. You would say that, wouldn't you? Once, OK? One time. Wandering round our house wearing next-to-nothing, like the little slutty-pants she is. I remember there was a time, when you and I were young` Oh, Ted, I'm not walking round the house in my undies for you. When we were young and in love and didn't give a shit about what people thought. He can do a lot better than her. It's all I'm saying. Yeah, I got that. But at the end of the day, that's up to him, not you, isn't it? Rita? Over my dead body, is she the one for him. OK, let me put it another way ` we just got our boy back; do you really wanna risk driving him away again by going to war with his girlfriend? I'm still calling her slutty-pants. Copyright Able 2017 Hey, Falani, what kind of club did you say this is? A club for dancing, my friend! (LAUGHS) # If you wanna touch me, # get with my body tonight, # tonight. # If you wanna move, # get with the groove tonight. # If you wanna touch me... What? Why do you spend so much time with those fag hags? It'd be worse if I was cruising the room all night. I'm starting to wonder if you're actually straight. Steve, are you prejudiced against straight people? Coming through, dolls. Make way. Yeah, Falani, I don't think this is the kind of club you think it is. If you think I think it is a superb time of much dancing, then I can assure you it is what I think it is. She's the most beautiful woman I've seen in my whole life. And what would you do with a woman like that? Oh, what would I do with her? Oh... What would you do with her? I don't know, take her for a walk, somewhere nice, maybe the beach or Queen St. Oh yeah? Buy her an ice cream or maybe some chow mein, depending on the weather. Mm. And then, you know, I'd just give her one. (CHUCKLES) Ooh, yeah, I don't think so. We have appropriate IDs, sir. You I don't have a problem with, brother. These two, however... Excuse me. (CLEARS THROAT) So, hi... I wanna be a part of your life. You are. All of it. It's not like I can turn up at Ted's with you in tow, is it? Let the dancing commence. What'd you say to him? Told him it's their first date, that Eric only just came out. # Dance with my body tonight... Look, I'm sorry that things are the way they are. But the truth is that anyone who is around us for any length of time will see how I feel about you, cos I love you. And I promise things won't always be like this. # If you wanna touch me, get with my body tonight, # tonight. # Touch me... # Bilkey. Boys. Have a good night, eh. Excuse me. (DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) What, you've never seen gay people before? But he's one of my dad's mates. If Ted and his mates can't accept you for who you are, then screw them. This isn't fucking high school, Steve! And it's not just my mates I'm worried about ` this is my job, my fucking life! Yeah, yeah, the one I'm not a part of. Don't. Don't you fucking dare pretend it's that simple. (BASSY MUSIC THUDS) (LAUGHTER) Morning, Mr Ted, Mr Lefty. Falani. Big night, was it? Oh yeah. (CHUCKLES) Remember when it used to be you and me hitting it all night? Go hard or go home. (LAUGHTER) Something funny, is there? Forgive us, Mr Ted ` we're a bit wasted. (GIGGLING) Oops. Morning, Rita. Fucking knock! For fuck's sake! (DOOR SLAMS) Shit. (KNOCKS AT DOOR) Oh, look, it's the egg man. Goo, goo, goo joob. (LAUGHS) You have a young woman at this residence by the name of Cheryl Miller. What's it to you? Well, her mother Trish Miller's worried about her. And that's a police matter how? Worried she might be being corrupted. Corrupted? Or held against her will. (CHUCKLES) Now, this young officer here is worried that we're corrupting Cheryl's morals. A bit bloody late for that. Wolf, Cheryl, get in here! So, are you currently on duty, Shane? Or are you trying to get into Trish's pants now? I like to know what's going on in my neighbourhood. Your neighbourhood, is it? Cheryl. Shane. Shane here was wondering whether you'd been kidnapped. By who? By us. What? That's not what I meant. Oh, no, apparently, we're corrupting you. Your mother is concerned you're being held against your will. Sometimes. When I wanna be. Your mum's worried about you. I'm fine, Shane. As you can see, everyone's fine here. (DOOR SLAMS) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) Well, gidday. Gidday. Is Rita here? Nope. It's just me. Right. I'll be off, then. Hey, it was funny seeing you at that gay club, eh? (CHUCKLES) You don't need to be gay to be there. I mean, you were there, and you're not gay. No. (CHUCKLES) But then I wasn't the one tongue-diving another fella, was I? Don't worry ` I can be persuaded not to tell anyone. You can? Yeah, if you cut me in. Look, we're not really into that sort of thing. Look, come on. I know that you and Steve are up to something. You know Steve? Yeah, from Rita's job. We weren't supposed to use names, but he did. You two had me going, though, for about 30 seconds. Yeah, then I realised. You did? Yeah, you're under-fucking-cover, mate. You're casing the joint. Well, obviously. It's amazing commitment to the job. Did Wolf realise I was undercover and... not a fag? Most of the time these days, you could put a snake up your arse, do the cancan and Wolf would still only be interested in Cheryl Miller. But yeah, he thinks that you're a poof. (LAUGHS) All right, $20 on the nose it sticks. You got it. Good luck, Ron. Speaking of hot-to-trot fillies, I could go for a gallop with her. Oh, yeah. I'm not stopping you. Have you seen Wolf today? Last seen draped over Cheryl, heading for the sack. So you haven't spoken to him? No, cos that would involve him actually coming up for air at some point. Yeah. Why are you asking about Wolf? Oh. Nothing ` just the lads saw me working undercover last night. I was worried there was some confusion. It's not a big deal. Undercover? Yeah. Where? Oh, at this club they rolled into. Oh yeah. What was so confusing about that? It was mainly a gay club. A gay club? For gays? Yeah. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) What's funny? Nothing. Oh, no, no, no, no. Bilkey here, he's been pretending to be queer. (BOTH LAUGH) Apparently, Wolf saw him at a gay club last night! Why was Wolf at a gay bar? No. No, no, no. My son is very,... very... (MOANING, THUMPING) Why were you pretending to be a faggot? Actually, I was casing the joint. Oh? Yeah. Yeah, but it turns out it's barely worth our time. Oh, no, but they must bring in, what, a few thou over a weekend? In cash, of course. Maybe. And gay clubs are illegal, so although they'll squawk like chooks amongst themselves, they're hardly gonna get the cops involved. Yeah, but` And gays always look really rich as well. But` Yeah, this could be just what we need ` small job to help us with the next one. Good work, mate. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Oh, here you are. Out of bed. Hi, Rita. You shouldn't be doing that. I'm sure you have far better things to do than wash Wolf's undies. Oh, honestly, I love doing the washing. I get such a sense of... home. Speaking of home, I've noticed that you haven't been back to yours in quite a while. I'm a bit worried that Wolf might feel smothered. Well, I've offered to go home loads, but Wolf begged me to stay, so... It's pretty cute. Mm. What about that other guy? What other guy? The cop. He seems to care where you're staying. Yeah, he's got this stupid little thing for me. Does he? But it's nothing, though. Really? (SIGHS) Look, Cheryl,... I hate to say this,... but you know what we do, right? For a crust. Illegal shit. Illegal shit. So do you really think it's a good idea for us to have a cop sniffing around our house because of you? Probably not. I mean,... we love having you here; it's just unfortunately, right now, it's a shitty, shitty time to have Constable Shane and his goo-goo eyes` Shane's harmless. No, love. He's a cop. Hmm. Oh, no, thanks. Operation Back Door ` we're gonna rob a gay club, via the back door, hence the name Operation Back Door. Obviously. Bilkey here is the brains behind the operation. He risked his butt virginity by going undercover for us. Shit. Well done, mate. We're gonna rob a bunch of pansies? (LAUGHS) LISPS: Stop it! Just stop it, fellas! (LAUGHS) Hey, has anybody seen my tea set? Yeah. I wanna put it in my bum! (LAUGHTER) That is awful. Oh, I don't really wanna put it in my bum ` I was just pretending to be gay. No, this whole idea is awful. I have a couple of cousins who are homosexual ` they have a hard enough time as it is without being ripped off by the likes of you. The likes of us? Yeah, well, maybe it is a bit insensitive. More than insensitive. Yeah, and, um, what about our code about not ripping people off who don't deserve it? So, how did the fudge-packers not work out that our Bilkey here wasn't really lifting shirts? He's as gay as my dick. Well, actually, most gay people are just regular dudes, who happen to like other dudes, trying to find their place in the world. So Phineas could be gay? Just because I can't have kids doesn't mean I'm a fairy! That's not what I meant! It sure sounded like it. It was a joke! Yeah, well, not a funny one. OK. Look, I think there are risks that we haven't considered. It's an illegal operation as it is. The cops will be sniffing around. Nah, I dunno, seems like an easy score to me ` exactly what we need right now. Steve's gonna lose it when he finds out. So why did you suggest it in the first place? Wolf and his mates saw me kissing Steve! I had to tell Ted something before they did. Really? Bilkey, those boys are just background noise to Ted. I have screwed this up, haven't I? Yep, you have. So quit crying to me about it. All I care about is that Ted pulls off this job unscathed. Do not screw that up as well. OK, so we'll hit the club early Sunday morning after the punters` Poofters. ...and the staff leave. In and out, nice and clean. What's your deal with the barman? Deal? Yeah, your mate ` are we cutting him in? No, he's opted out. Busy ` too many fingers in pies. OK. Just us, then. Sounds solid. We should do a recce. Eh? You mean actually... go in there? I've got some old blouses of Ngaire's. I was thinking just me and Bilkey. I don't wanna draw attention. You up for it? Sure, Ted. Ted's going to a gay club. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS, CLEARS THROAT) (GUITAR MUSIC) If you think I'm going in that car, you must be out of your mind. This is fascism. Yeah, what am I supposed to say? (CAR ENGINE STARTS) Why don't you ever stand up for yourself? (CAR ENGINE REVS) You OK? In about 10 seconds, Bert's gonna walk through that door and tell me he doesn't wanna do the job. Riana? Yeah. You got a mo, Ted? I need a quick word. Really, Bert? What is it? I don't wanna do the job. Is that so? Yeah, robbing queers is against my beliefs, so I'm out. And are these beliefs directly linked to you getting your end away? Nah. No way. I just think we should be assessing things on a case to case scenario. Because... fascism. Because fascism? Yeah, yeah. And what does that mean? Because fascism is bad. You been reading some books, Bert? Yeah, something like that. Well, let me tell you what I believe. I believe that I need to be able to rely on you, no matter what your woman says. So if you're out, Bert, you're out for good. Cheers for that, Ted. You're welcome. OK. Yeah. Oh. Hey there, handsome. What? We're robbing Backstage. Are you in? Why? Cos there's money there. You wanna play be in the gang? This is what we do. You can't do that. I assure you, we can. And if the police get involved, I'll know it's you. So you should leave now. Oh, for fuck's... I know what you're doing. Getting ready for bed. With Cheryl. And it's not gonna work, so just cut it out. Honestly, love, you've lost me. Your little chat earlier today. You're trying to use that cop to get rid of her. No, I'm not at all. We just can't have any extra attention from cops at the moment. Since when haven't we had extra attention from the cops? Wolf, your father has a lot going on at the moment, and having some hormonal piglet sniffing around Cheryl could be a problem. I love her, Mum. And she's not going anywhere. So just stop it, OK? Tuck in, boys. But you do need to know that as much as I love having you all here, there are no free rides. So at some point I will require you to pay your way. Well, I earn money. From you. You can keep it if that helps. Mr Bert employs me to do car jobs ` I can pay you with that money. Yeah, Sparky doesn't do anything. He's a financial wasteland. No, no, what I mean, boys, is don't you think that as a group you need to get out there, get busy and bring me things that I can sell through the Galleria? That is really Wolf's department. We just do what he says. Yeah, he's a bit distracted. Distracted by boobies. Yeah, it's a bit complicated, isn't it? Well, no, not really. He's just rooting heaps. No, no, no. I mean, with the cop hanging around here, the one who accused you of molesting the other sister. Seems he's got a bit of a crush on Cheryl. Which makes her being here a bit tricky, doesn't it? When you guys need to get back in the game. But Cheryl's great. Yeah. You know, she told me about how if you look a girl in the eye, she thinks that you think she's a real person. She is the second-best dancer in the house. One time she cut off a lock of her hair; she let me burn it. Who cleans your clothes, boys? Who cooks your meals? Actually, Cheryl and Wolf have gone to the shop so they can make dinner. Wolf? Cooking? Hi, Mum. Oh, Rita, I hope this is all right. I was starting to feel like a bludger, so I told Wolf I'd teach him how to make my mum's fish pie. I hope you like fish pie. (CHUCKLES) This just looks absolutely delicious. Mm. This is better than good. Holy moly, Cheryl. Oh, fish pie. The sexiest of all the pies. Can I serve you, Rita? Is it smoked fish? Yes. I don't eat smoked fish. So sorry, Rita. I had no idea. I can make you some toast. No, thank you, Cheryl. I prefer not to eat breakfast for dinner. You know about my smoked-fish thing. Do I? It's typical. It is typical of the men in this house ` they don't bloody listen. Well, we give it our best shot, love. How do I look? It was a damn fine pie, by the way. You sure you wanna say that with my hands near your throat? Stop fighting it, Rita. She's here for the foreseeable future. So you're OK, then, with Riana having Bert wrapped round her twat? Oh, that's different. Is it? A woman who gets too involved in men's matters is gonna cause problems. And once they entrench themselves, no getting rid of them. At least you won't have to deal with any stroppy sheilas tonight. Amen to that. Just a few handsy boys. (LAUGHTER) (TV PLAYS QUIETLY) (GIGGLES) Evening. Dad, your date's here! Hey, so, are you and Ted gonna make out, like you and Steve had to? No. Bilkey. Ted. Let's do this. Watch out for sexy drag queens! Carol. What's happened? (SOBS) Ted, I have to be honest with you ` I'm still not convinced. Oh, damn it. I knew I should have gone with the paisley. No, I mean the job. You look fine. Really? I'm far more concerned about passing myself off as a jobby-jabber tonight than the actual job. I mean, I've seen Hudson and Halls, and I'm fairly sure one of them is, you know. Can't remember which one, but I've a fair idea of what it's all about. Right. Hey, reckon we could pass ourselves off as a couple? (LAUGHS) SYLVESTER: # I've been dancin' on the floor, darlin'. And I feel like I need some more. # And I feel your body close to mine. # And I move on love. It's about that time... Ted. Far out. This is... # You make me feel mighty real... ...far out. I guess so. Bilkey! It's been a while. Yeah. Good to see you. Yeah, you too. How come everyone knows you by your real name? I think it's less suspicious than staring blankly at someone who's calling you Trev. Yeah, fair enough. But, uh, just call me... Ed. I'll know who you mean. OK,... Ed. # Feels real good, # and I know you love me... # So, we've been trying to adopt. Really? Phineas is OK with that? We kept it a secret because we didn't wanna get anyone's hopes up. Including ours. Mainly ours. But we did get our hopes up... until today. Mr O'Driscoll, have you ever been in jail? Why? Have you? (CHUCKLES) No, but you have, haven't you? If that miserable woman can't see that you would be the world's best mum, she's an idiot. She's also the woman who turned down our application. I think she's an idiot. You'd be the best mum ever. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Is Ted here? No, he's not. I need a word with him. I'll tell him you called. Picking on the most vulnerable members of society, and then giving my Bert an ultimatum? Bert has a choice. And if Bert has a problem, then he should speak to Ted, instead of hiding behind you. You don't care, do you? Because misogyny and homophobia perpetuate your role in this world ` baking scones for your redneck man. I get that you go to university and you really like to use big words, but I have no idea what you just said. Bert's business is also my business. That plain enough for you? And I stay out of Ted's business, because that's how it's done. Cos it suits you. No, because it works. Maybe things are different now. Is that so, is it? There's a thing called feminism, Rita. I have heard of it, yes. We have a right to an opinion of what our men are up to. Right, so we all burnt our bras so I can stick my nose into my husband's illegal affairs and deem which ones are worthy? Carol, get more glasses. You two bitches need some lessons about how things work here in the real world. I don't think calling other women bitches is very feminist, Rita. Get the glasses, Carol. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) So, as you can see, the party doesn't die down till the small hours. Now, the office, where the money is kept, is around the back. Why are there so many dolly birds? Or are they lesbians? No. Fag hags. They're what? Fag hags. Some women just wanna dance without being hit on all the time. Oh. Well, I'll be. So, the office, as I was saying, is round the back of the building. Everyone looks so... free. There is no alarm and no safe. I loved a man once. My cellmate, Mark. Prison, you know, it was so intense, unnatural. (DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) What happens in jail, stays in jail, right? Right. My lips are sealed. (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) I'll get another round in, eh. No, no. I'll go. (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) Two Manhattans. Please don't do this. Don't you dare say a word. Two Manhattans, please. # Feminine minds, they'll make her unkind. Got the perfect alibi... # Oh, yeah, see, that's the problem with you lot. My lot?! You're so concerned with your precious women's studies that you're not actually equipped to deal with reality. What's women's studies gonna do for you when you're knocked up, barefoot in the kitchen? That's kind of offensive, Rita. Yeah, it is, but it's what we have to deal with here in the real world. And I know that you two, you think that you're changing the way we do things, but you're not. It's better than letting the Neanderthals run riot. It's a man's world, Riana. And you're just pissing them off by sticking your nose in. Do you want Bert to get kicked out of the gang? Better than being a yes man to your Ted forever. Really? And what about all the flash stuff he buys you? You like that, don't you? And I know that you like bad men too ` I've watched you. Busted. And you can keep your mouth shut, cos you're exactly the same. But if I smoke, I will get hungry, and I'm too scared to go upstairs where the food is. Where the angry women are. # Baby, don't fight. Give into the night. Don't tear your love to pieces... # I don't have a problem with the boys ripping off the gays. You wanna know why? Why? Gays wanna be treated as equals? Then welcome to the real world. Where everyone gets robbed. Equally. Plus Phineas always buys me something nice after a job. And when you do pick your battle, you have means ` a more delicate way of doing things. Or maybe some of us are already doing that, Rita. Oh, no, there's another word for that, Slutty Pants. I'm sorry, what? Pretty sure you heard me. (CHUCKLES) She's just jealous. BOTH: Ew. No, no, no, Mum, she's... she's territorial. Like a dog? I wouldn't let Mrs Rita hear you call her that. Mm. But your mum had a good point, though, about the cop liking Cheryl and him hanging around. Mum's points always sound good, but she'll come round to Cheryl being here. You'll see. This is Mrs Rita we're talking about, right? (LAUGHTER) All that crap about subtle and blah, blah, that doesn't sound very feminist to me. Oh, girlie, you have so much to learn. Well, luckily, I'll have you to teach me. Is that so? Yeah, cos I'm not going anywhere any time soon. Well, you've certainly made yourself right at home ` I will give you that much. Just supporting my man; doing that delicate thing you were saying. Oh, hi, Wolfie. OK. Bedtime, I think. Yep, get up. Oh. Oh, that's not good. Night, Mum. Thanks for this. You're welcome. (VOMITS) Shit. (RETCHES) Sparky. Sparky, did you mean what you said, that I'd be a good mum? You'd be a great mum. Aw. Thank you. Aw. # Infatuation. # # There's a room in my heart for you. # I just don't have the time. # Don't lean all over me... # Tell them what you said. You'd be a great mum. See? He knows. Well, maybe you should adopt him. What? I said you should adopt Sparky! Hi, Rita. Hi, honey. Aw. (SMOOCHES) Rita's had a great idea. What? Well... And he'd be such a great dad! Is he taking the piss? I'll explain in the car. Bye, Ted. Bye, Rita! Bye, Carol. (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY) I just came to see if she was OK. Equal opportunity for getting done over. He's back in. (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) Yeah. My gay cousins are bitches! (CHUCKLES) (MUSIC STOPS) I'm pretty sure the place wasn't like this when I left it. Well, sometimes you have to break a few eggs, ruffle a few feathers to bring stroppy women back into line. Oh? Do you want to bring this stroppy woman back into line, double-check you haven't turned gay on me? (CHUCKLES) (MOANS) (CHERYL GRUNTS, SQUEALS FAINTLY) Oh, for fuck's sake. She should be unconscious with her head in a bucket. I hope she's bloody brushed her teeth. Yes! (GASPS) (GASPS) Oh! No. Don't stop. What? Keep going. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh yeah. Oh! Isn't getting off while our son's getting off a wee bit strange? Get your head in the game, Ted. Oh yes! Oh yes! Yes! Oh! Yes! Yes! Fuck, yes! Oh gross! Yeah! Oh! Don't you dare stop now. Oh! Wolf! Ted! Oh, Wolf! Oh, Ted! Ted! Oh! (MOANING, SQUEALING) Oh! Oh God! Oh, God, that's so good! (SCREAMS) (DOWNBEAT MUSIC) One more, baby? Oh, morning, Rita. Lemon and sugar or bacon and banana? (MUSIC CONTINUES) (CUTLERY CLICKS) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (CUTLERY CLICKS) (SIGHS) Morning, Mrs West. What the hell was he doing here? Browsing? I don't bloody think so. Well that's what it looked like to me. Why? Do you know him? Do you? He's a cop. No. And good morning to you too (!) A bit shabby on it, are we? All in a good cause ` drinking Wolf's little slut under the table. So, not a fan? Of her? No. Well, tell her to piss off, then. It doesn't really seem to be working. Moved in? Permanently attached to my son's privates. Well, what about her parents? Her mother is trash too. No, I mean her mother, who, presumably, dislikes Wolf as much as you dislike her daughter. It involves swallowing some pride, Rita, but it used to work with Desiree and the boys I disapproved of. (VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) (SLOW GUITAR MUSIC) (BELL CHIMES) I thought I banned you. I'm here to return what is rightfully yours ` your daughter. No, thanks. What? But you have to. Nope. Cheryl's your problem now. She's your daughter. You can't just wash your hands of your own flesh and blood. You're joking, right? About never having another 2am call from the police, informing me that my daughter has 'accidentally' incited a riot? Oh, I don't think so. But you can't just` Look, lady, I'm way too busy dealing with another one of my daughters, so gutted that her sister stole her boyfriend, I've had to send her to stay with my Bible-bashing aunt in Masterton. But it's your responsibility, as a mother, to take her. As a mother, I'm sick of dealing with Cheryl's crap. She's your problem now. (BLUES MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY) You better be good for it. You know I am. (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) You guys should go now. I want a quick word with Cheryl. Maybe go get some beers for later. Mm. Be nice to her. Nice is my middle name. Beer run, boys. So, apparently, I'm stuck with you. But you and Wolf, you need to sort out this shit with that cop. I mean it. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Only me. Ted's just getting ready. I thought I might grab you for a sec before the gang show up. Looking for some sympathy for the mess you've got yourself into? I can't do this. Yes, you can. Yoo-hoo! Carol. You're here early too. We wanted to talk to you about something. We wanna adopt Sparky, just as a trial, to see if we really would make good parents. Would that be OK with you, Rita? Well, Sparky is his own person... and pretty much a fully grown adult man, so I guess you'll have to ask him when he gets back. Bilkey. Phin. Lefty. You guys all set? Yes. Hey, guys. How are you feeling? Like someone shit between the two hemispheres of my brain. Today we'll stick to tea. OK, remember, lads ` easy job, in and out. We could do it in our sleep. There'll be no surprises. (BASSY MUSIC) Hey, you lot keen to party? Oh, God, no. Guess it's just us, then. (MUSIC CONTINUES) Sparky, Phineas and I were wondering if we could adopt you. Really? You want me? Yes. Then yeah! (SQUEALS) We'll leave in the morning, when your father gets back from his robbery. So it's Sparky's going away party! (LAUGHTER) Downstairs in the basement! All right! There's something we need to do. (TENSE MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) It's time. (MUSIC CONTINUES) Good morning, Bilkey. Who the fuck are you? I'm Bilkey's boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. I thought I'd help you out and get your money ready. So here it is. But you should know that Bilkey and I were lovers. He's as gay as the day is long. Aren't you, Bilkey? You're a queer? (ROCK MUSIC) Cheers. Come on! (PANTS) No surprises? Just the one. Well, you got the money, though? Yes, Phineas, we got the money. And I am gay. But you was only in there for five minutes. I've always been gay. He wasn't lying, just in case you were wondering. I'm missing something here. Bilkey's a homo. What about all those chicks you were rogering? Never touched any of them. I just used them so that you guys wouldn't twig. I'd give them the flick whenever it got serious. Well, look, we don't care about any of that, do we, lads? Bilkey's private life is Bilkey's private life. Shit, we're not cavemen. Each to their own and all of that. Isn't that right? Isn't that right? (QUIET GUITAR MUSIC) I thought you were this legendary stick-man. Yeah. But you like boys. No. I like men. (QUIET GUITAR MUSIC CONTINUES) But only the ones that are into this sort of thing, right? Yes, Phineas. Which is not me. Then whatever. Kia kaha, brother. (QUIET GUITAR MUSIC CONTINUES) Hey, I went to a boys' boarding school ` I've seen things. Gay things. There was a kid there who went out with the school goat once. Yeah, it's not really the same thing, Lefty. Right, well, that's that sorted. Let's say we get on with the getaway, gentlemen. Right? Hey, Mandy, what's the problem? Mum OK? It's not Mum ` she's away. It's her ` she made me. Get lost, runt. Shut up. Thank you for coming, Shane. It's about Wolf. Yeah, I knew it. I knew you didn't really wanna be with that animal. Oh, but I do, Shane. Because that 'animal' is my boyfriend, who I love very much. THE UNDERTONES: # I wanna hold you, wanna hold you tight, get teenage kicks right through the night... # If he's making you say this, Cheryl, I can protect you. No one can make me do anything I don't want to, Shane. I'm with Wolf, and you need to butt out. And you need to leave him and his family alone, or I'll tell everyone about that time you copped a feel when I was 13. That never happened. Then don't make me say it did. You should leave now. (ROCK MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Oi! Tradition is a beer after the job. Or is it that Miami Wine Cooler you poofs drink? I'm not really in the mood. What, you gonna get all moody now that you're gay? Get inside. (MI-SEX'S 'BLUE DAY') Hi, love. (MUSIC CONTINUES) Carol, love. Hey. (MUSIC CONTINUES) How did it go? It was weird. That's nice. I have something to tell you. Good haul? Enough. You've known that he's gay for ages, haven't you? I think we cost him his boyfriend. No, he cost him his boyfriend. Morning. Not quite the relationship you were hoping to break up, eh? Dig in, boys. # Things are not always the way they should be. Words come easy if you try... # Cheers. Cheers. The cop problem has gone away. You sure? I'm sure of everything, Mum. Phineas, I want you to meet our son. Well, he's not really our son, but he's coming to live with us. Hey, Dad. So, I guess you're one of us now,... Slutty Pants. Don't call me Slutty Pants. Why? Does it annoy you,... Slutty Pants? You are such a bitch. Takes one to know one,... WHISPERS: Slutty Pants. Come here. (MI-SEX'S 'BLUE DAY' CONTINUES) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (ENGINE REVS) You could have got me fucking killed. I didn't know that. She's a fucking undercover cop, isn't she? No. It's kinda worse. I've been to prison. I'm not scared to go back there if it means my family are safe. No. Your son is a bloody criminal genius. Once I do this, there's no backing out. Are you and Cheryl playing nice? We have an understanding. Oh, you're such a bitch. And to you, I always will be.