i I just hope it doesn't cause any permanent damage. So how long have you been here anyway? A while. You missed your prom? The thing is, when I made that bet... Ooh! Ooh! There he is. That's Freddie. He's wearing a tux. Hey, what's up? I'm that whole other person inside of you. I guess. There's a whole other person inside of both of us. (CHUCKLES) Ssh. ..with a whole other person inside of you. Would you like to dance? Yes. Mornin', sweetie! Oh, Daddy! What are you doing in here? What did I come in here for? It's her birthday, Dad. Happy birthday, sweetie. (VIBRATOR BUZZES) Ohh! What's that buzzing sound? I just... need a minute... here. Maybe it's that construction next door. Where's my little angel? Oh! Oh! Happy birthday, honey. Grandma? Grandpa? Rosco! Aah! Aah! Oh! Rosco, go! Hello, Janey. Father Flannagan? I brought some friends from the centre to wish you a happy birthday. Happy birthday Janey's making silly faces. It smells in here. Hi. OK, make a wish, dear. Ah! No! (ALL GASP) Oh! Ah! Let's begin now. This is not your typical high school. See, here at John Hughes, there are no cliques, no exclusive social groups. You're accepted for who you are, not for who you hang out with. We'll divide the tour into groups so you can get to know your peers. Let's get all you big jockey guys over here to my right in one group and then get you slutty girls over here by me. Slutty? Hey, how you doin'? Welcome. And, er, you losers, you guys should hang out in the back. Hey, hey, that clearly includes you. Come on, get back there. Take a good look at the kid standing beside you. They'll be your only friends for the next four years. Let's move it! You really need to start dating. I don't date. You know that. Oh, come on, Janey, you know Dad's rule. If you don't have sex, then I'm not allowed to. I don't conform to typical high school norms, OK? I read Sylvia Plath, I listen to Bikini Kill and I eat tofu. I'm a unique rebel. Sounds more like you're a lesbo. Hey, Mitch, now leave your sister alone. Thank you, Daddy. If Janey wants to be rug muncher, that's her decision. (ALL GASP) Nice combination. I've been meanin' to get that fixed. Later, Dad. Hey, er, I might be late to pick you guys up. Why, do you have a job interview today? No, honey, I'll probably just be way too drunk. Oh, good. We don't want you drinking and driving. Oh, I'll be drivin'. I'll just be too shitfaced to remember to pick you guys up. OK. Bye, Daddy. Bye, pumpkin head. Oh, my God! Get out of the road! Oh, my God, it's Jake! He's so fine. Hi, stud. Hi, Jake. Jake. I love what he does with his eyebrows and his little sideburns. Oh, my God, there's Jake. He's so popular. Hi. Oh, my God, he just looked at me. Here! Oh. Tiff. You can keep it. Hi, Jake. It's all wet. Melanie. Oh, those are mine. Hey, Jake. Hey, Arthur. Here's Ricky! Hey, Ricky. What did you do this weekend? Well, Friday night I stood outside your window in the pouring rain, screaming your name for several hours. And then I spent all of Saturday and Sunday making you this great... Janey, I've been desperately trying to tell you that I'm... I'm madly in love with you. Er, mix tape. For your birthday. A mix tape? Oh, that's so sweet, Ricky. See ya in English. Oh. Catch you guy later. What happenin'? Damn, shorty. Dog is pretendin' to be Asian and shit. That cracker is white. Can't he see that, yo? So, did you guys get any action this weekend? I visit grandfather. I played tetherball with my sisters. We're pathetic. How will we ever lose our virginity by graduation? Er, Mitch, we're freshmen. Hey, what's with the attitude? It not easy to get lucky here. Girls are sensitive, man. They're not lookin' for sex. They're lookin' for love. Oh, love me! Harder! Amanda Becker. She is so perfect. Pffffff. Keep dreaming. What's up, Reggie Ray? Man, I cannot wait till Friday night's game, y'all. What about your head? The doctor said you had a blood clot the size of a grapefruit. Five more concussions and you'll die. You should probably take it easy. Don't listen to him, Reggie Ray. Austin. Mr Not-First-String-Any-More. Ugh! Isn't first string any more. We all know what happened last time Jakey was callin' the plays. And now, number four, our hometown hero, first string quarterback, Jake Wyler. Hey, Malik, could you hold these books here for a minute? Sure. Why not? I am the token black guy. I just smile, stay out of the conversation and say things like "Damn! Shit!" and "That is wack!" What's she doin' here? She graduated, like, four years ago. (SQUEAKS) Hi, Jake. Catherine. Can I ask you a question? Why is it every time I tell a guy they can put it wherever they want, they always stick it in my ass? Oh, Damn! That's way too much information for me. Oh, no, Jake. Way too much information would be telling you that after they're done, I always take a huge dump. Shit! On their chest. Oh, that is wack! Priscilla, there you are. Jake, I need some T to the fourth power Y. Huh? Some time to talk to you. Oh. God. It made sense to me, Priscilla. (SQUEAKS) You're leaving me for this guy? I'm sorry, Jake, but we met over spring break. I'm not ordinary. You're leaving me for this guy? His name is Les and he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. (CLEARS THROAT) And so is his bag. (GROWLS) (TANNOY) Janey Briggs, please report to the office. Janey Briggs, please report to the office. Being a foreign exchange student can be a little scary, adjusting to a new school in a new country, but you'll find the students here are very accepting of who you are. Well, you certainly have a sunny disposition. So, you've got your class schedule, right? Well, isn't that wonderful? Oh, Janey, come in. Janey, this is Areola, our new foreign exchange student. Areola, this is Janey. She'll show you to your first class. Hi. I like your backpack. Hey, dude, I heard there's some undercover reporter posing as a high school student. Dude, no way, dude! Do either of you know where Mr Keller's English class is? Down the hall on your left. Sweet, dude. For the thousandth time, I said, "Swallow that thing." Right? Oh. How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler? Who the hell does she think she is? I got two words for you, Jake. Prom queen material. Austin, she's an illusion. You take away the makeup, the clothes, the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume, that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls. (SIGHS) Look, she's totally replaceable, OK? Given the right look, the right boyfriend, any girl could be this year's prom queen. Well, I smell a bet. OK, Jakey Jakey, about to make a big mistakey. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Here's the wager. I'm gonna pick the most hopeless girl at this school and I'm gonna bet that you can't turn her into prom queen. You're on, Austin. And I'll bet you that you lose that bet, but in doing so, you learn a much more valuable lesson and win. In life, that is. (ALL) Hm. You're both on. Alright. Well, let's find you a prom queen, Mr Let's-Find-Me-A-Prom-Queen. What about her? So baby's got a little back. Hunch, that is. Nah, way too easy. # I have no pigment Any girl with a guitar is hot. # I need sunscreen # Granted, she's a hippie albino. She could still be prom queen. OK, er, what about the Fratelli sisters? So they're disfigured and connected at the head. Hi, Jake. But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick. I'd do 'em! I know you would, Reggie Ray. But, no, I'm looking for somebody who's really messed up. I'm talkin' about a real shitbomb. Oh, wait. Bombs away! Pssssshhh! No, no, no, no, anyone but her! Not Janey Briggs. Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail. Oh, look at that. She's got paint on her overalls! What is that? There's no way she could be prom queen. Damn, that shit's wack. Can you imagine what they're doing in there? Holy cow. Guys, eurgh! Get your heads out of the gutter. It's just a girls' locker room. I'm sure it's no sexier in there than it is in here. Hey, Molly? can you help me take off my panties? Hold on, Kristi, I've got lotion all over my hands. That's OK, just use your mouth. Thank you, Miss Peters. So, who else would like to share their poem with the rest of the class? Um, Mr Keller? Over here! Right here! Over here! Right here! Please. Anyone? Mr Keller, please pick me. I'm the one. Yes,... Ricky. Ten Things I Love About Janey. Oh, not again. By Ricky Lipman. I love it when Janey talks I love it when Janey walks I love it when Janey drinks I love it when Janey blinks I love it when Janey says hi I love it when Janey says, "See ya in English" I love following Janey to the mall I-I love... collecting strands of Janey's hair And rolling them up into little Janey h-h-hairballs When... (SOBS) Thank you, Ricky, for that interesting poem. (GIRLS GIGGLE) You guys, I'm not sure we should be doing this. Quiet. I think I hear 'em. I can't believe we just did all that stuff to each other, Molly. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience that will never, ever happen again. Shit, we missed it. Let's keep goin' Hey, I found a buffalo nickel. Jackpot. Mitch, girl go pee-pee not something I want to see-see. I agree-gree. Would you two please try and be a little open minded? Class, let's open our books and continue with our poetry lesson. You know what I think about poetry? (BREAKS WIND) (ALL LAUGH) Oh, is...? Was that amusing? Is that what your generation considers humour? (HUMS) This make me kind of happy in pants. Yeah. (BREAKS WIND) Mm. (BREAKS WIND CONTINUOUSLY) Goodness. That make me kind of sad in pants. Shakespeare, Moliere, Oscar Wilde. These were the humorists. (DEFECATES) I'm gonna be sick. The sublime poetic genius of a clever turn of phrase. That is true comedy. (CONTINUES DEFECATING) Ooh. Heavens to Betsy. Eurgh! ..your modern day, moronic, feeble-minded, sophomoric excuse for wit... (DIARRHOEA HITS PAN) is merely a parade of nasty,... Oh! Oh, my God! ..filthy, vulgar... ..human excrement! (ALL YELL) (BREAKS WIND) I guess. There's a whole other . Hey, Janey. What's up? Excuse me? You ever wondered what it would be like to be the most popular girl in school? You mean anorexic, superficial, a bitch, a whore who lacks any real long-term goals? Huh! Exactly. So, if you're interested, I thought maybe we could go out sometime. Be seen in public together. You haven't spoken to me in four years, Jake. It's more like six cos the time you're referring to, when we were standing in line at the movies, I was actually saying hey to the person right behind you. OK, we're down a cheerleader for Friday night's championship game against North Compton and that squad always tries to bring it. Bring what? Bring IT. Right, but what is IT? It's just what they bring, OK? New girl. Hi, I'm Sandy Sue, and I just wanna say that it is simply swell to meet all of you. Peachy. I assume you brought a routine? Oh, you betcha. Give me an H. Give me a U. Give me a giant, pussy-licking, ass fucker, cock shit...! I'm sorry, um, that was my Tourette's. I don't know about her. OK, let's get one thing straight. This is not a cheerocracy. I am the cheertator. I make the cheercisions around here and I will deal with the cheeronsequences. Now, if there are no more cheeruptions, we can cheertinue. (Thank you.) Grandpa stuck a finger in my ass! Come face! She'll cheer do. Great. Goddamn it, let's go now! Thirty-two draw! Goddamn it! Let's show some goddamn hustle! Look alive out there! This isn't a goddamn try-out, you know! Goddamn it! Hut! What the hell is goin' on?! Goddamn it! Nobody's covering that hole out there! Goddamn it! Let's do it again! Come on! Alright, Marty. Huh? Get your stumpy little ass in there! Are you sure? Just go, goddamn it! Wyler, we got this goddamn game wrapped up! All you gotta do is run out the clock. And for God's sakes, don't try anything fancy! Goddamn it! Alright, listen up, boys. We got time for one more play. (LAUGHS) I say we get the ball to Marty. Huh? Damn! That's OK, I'm just happy bein' on the field. But Coach reckons we oughtta just take a knee. We're up 42-nothin'. I don't care what Coach reckons. You can't go through life bein' scared, Marty, cos if you do, you'll always wonder, "What if?" But if you go out there and you give it your all, that's heroic. Really, guys, I appreciate this, but ` That's the spirit! Ready? Yo, what you doin', man? Get outta here. What? Not here, Marty, down there. Over here, right? What you doin', man? Over here, over here. Here? We love you, Marty! Set, hut! No. No. No, don't throw it to me. No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!! (HEARTBEATS) Yes! Go! Oh! Nice hands, Marty! I did it. I'm a hero! Walk it off, Marty! Alright, goddamn it! Let's hit the showers, goddamn it! Good job, you guys. Bunch of candy asses! You had a lousy practice! We're gonna get our asses kicked Friday! Coach, what about fourth string? I didn't even get to practise. Wyler, after all the goddamn shenanigans you pulled last season, you should be thanking God you're still in goddamn uniform, goddamn it! If my parents find out I got detention, they're not gonna let me eat dessert for a week. We have disgraced ourselves and our families. Guys, guys, guys. I'm sensing the morale's a little low here. I say we make a pact right here, right now. Before the end of the year, we all get laid! Mitch, we always make that pact. But we've been waiting for this moment since we hit puberty. That was two and a half weeks ago! I just got first hair on ball. Guys, I don't think you understand what I'm saying. I'm talking about becoming the masters of our sexual destiny. No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused. No longer we steal grandfather's porn. Yeah! No longer will we wear blindfolds when we're jerkin' each other off. Alright, that's it! What in God's name is goin' on in here? What was that ruckus? I no hear ruckus. I was in my office. I heard a ruckus. Can you describe this ruckus, sir? Oh, you better watch your tongue, young man. Watch it! We were sitting here like we're supposed to. I don't wanna hear it. You just bought another detention. That's not fair. Cry me a river, dickface. You just bought another one. Eat my shorts. What was that? Eat... my... shorts! Don't mess with a bull. You'll get the horns. I'm shaking. You just got another. Good! You through? Not even close, bud. You want another one? Yes. You got it! Good. That's another one. You had enough yet? No. That's another one. So? I'll keep going. Go! Eenie, meanie, minie... Moe. Your mother was a...? Ho. He was a famous clown. Bobo. Mitch, cut it out! (MOUTHS WORD) That's another one for you. But ` That's another one. So that make one more for Ox or for Mitch? Another. I confused. Shut your hole, Wang Chung. I got all three of you guys for the rest of your lives. You're mine. Next time I come in here, I'm crackin' skulls. Oh, God, Dad. How many times have I told you? I'm not going to Princeton. Listen, I'm not pressuring you, son. Give it four years. If you don't like it, there's always a job waitin' for you at my firm. I don't want YOUR life! That's OK, son I heard about what happened between you and Priscilla. But the good news is I've got the perfect rebound girl for you. Really? Beverly, could you come in here? Dad, that's Mom. What do ya say, kiddo? I'm just gonna leave you two alone. Make me proud, son. So, you in love? Yeah, I think I am. Well, er, who is this guy? His name's Blane. He's a senior. He's so beautiful. Um, he's a richie. A whatie? Richie. Janey? Sweetheart? Hi, Daddy. Is something wrong? You were awfully quiet at dinner tonight Daddy, you were passed out on the table. Listen, honey. I may not always be coherent or conscious, but I know when my little girl's got something on her mind. Well, there is this popular boy, Jake. Oh, sweetie! Jake knocked you up, didn't he? Mm, no, he asked me out. Oh. Well, do you like him? Are you attracted to him? I mean, would you give him head? Well, he is kinda cute. But he's always been a total jerk. It's just so weird that he would start talking to me now. Especially after you've packed on a couple of pounds. (LAUGHS) What do you think I should do? (SIGHS) Look, sweetie. I'd never want you to do anything that compromises who you are because you're very, very special to me. And if this Jake character is only askin' you out to get into your pants, well, then, I'd say... go out with him. I mean, let's be honest, you could certainly use the popularity points. And if Jake really likes you, then maybe those kids will quit throwing bags of shit over the porch Ah, I feel better. Thanks for the advice, Daddy. That's what I'm here for, pumpkin tits. . Catherine. I need to ask you a favour. It's about time. No, not that. (CAT SCREECHES) Listen, you're the cruelest girl in high school. You're the only one who can help me trick Janey into liking me. Whoa. You don't mean that girl with the glasses and the ponytail, do you? Don't forget about the paint-covered overalls. Well, it's going to be difficult. But I think I can help you. Sit. For a price. And this time, I don't want your car. I want you. Oh, Catherine, that's disgusting. You're my sister. Only by blood. Oh, God! What is wrong with this family? Hey, do you want my help or not? OK, there are three things you need to do to have Janey eating out of the palm of your hand. First you're gonna have to earn her trust. Come on, guys, leave him alone! Let go! Hey! Come on, guys, back off. That's enough, OK? You little shit. (GROANS) And don't you guys mess with him again. Once you've got her trust, it's time to make her feel special. Pick a song with her name in it. That always works. (HUMS) Huh? # Janey's got a gun # Janey Briggs got a gun She's got a gun! Janey's got a gun! What? # Janey Briggs got a gun # So run away, run away from the pain Take it easy, Miss. No, but ` Hey, get back here! # Run away, run away from the pain # Hold her down. (VOICE VIBRATES) Gimme her hand. Give us the gun, Janey. Shit. After you've succeeded in making her feel special, it's time to put the icing on the cake. You know, I'm really glad you showed up, Janey. Listen, Jake, the only reason that I came here was to tell you just to leave me alone. You know, I was just making a snack. You want one? No. Listen, Jake, I ` I'll be right back. But I re- Hungry? I don't like sundaes. Oh, it's not a sundae. It's a banana split. I don't like those, either. Goodbye, Jake. Now, Preston, I left some money on the kitchen counter. Oh, and the emergency numbers are by the phone. And remember, son, no parties. I know, Dad. I know. Kegs comin' through! Hey, Preston. What's up, man? We're really trusting you here, Preston. Where do you want these speakers set up, Preston? Just move all the shit in the dining room. You guys really should hit the road cos I'm taking your antique Ferrari to buy some hookers. Alright. We'll call you later to check in. I'll be so high, I won't even know where the phone is. That's my boy. (CHUCKLES) Jake, what are you doing here? I'm taking you to Preston Wasterstein's big party. I can't. I mean, I'm not dressed to go to a party. Look at me, I'm a complete mess. I'd say you're one big fucking train wreck. Do I know you? Hm. Ah! That's it. I've got it. What? It might seem crazy, but you're just gonna have to trust me. That's it, I did it. I'm a miracle worker. Gentlemen, may I present to you the new and improved Janey Briggs. # "Kiss Me" ` Sixpence None The Richer Congratulations, you just got your first slow-motion entrance. Oops! I'm OK! Er, Janey? Ow! Come on outta there, honey. Quit fartin' around. Got your mom's car keys? Check. Sleeping bags? Check. Condoms? Check. Three pubescent libidos that'll take us on a series of wacky mishaps and wild adventures? Check! Road trip! We here. Gentlemen, tonight we are going to our first big high school party. Now, if there is any place to buzz the brillo, this is it. How you plan on buzzing brillo? With this letter. Amanda Becker will finally know the truth, that I have loved her since the first time I saw her. Welcome to the party, guys. Oh, if you're gonna have sex, please, do it in my parents' bedroom Does that girl go to our school? Janey Briggs! It's, like, not even the same person. Janey Stainy, Stain Pants Overalls? I can't believe you talked me into this. Priscilla must be freaking out now that Janey's lost her glasses and her ponytail. I'm going to go fuck a complete stranger. I'll see you guys later. Hey, I'm a complete stranger. Relax, alright? It's going to be OK. Nice turtleneck. So, what's your name? Oh, why, I'm Sandy Sue. Limp dick fag fucker! OK, who told you that? Was it Alison because Alison was really bitter when we broke up. One hundred percent completely fake. I agree. That is not her natural hair colour. I can't believe she's wearing the same outfit as me. It looks much better on you. Where is she? I thought she'd be here by now. What's going on? Ssh! We can't talk until she starts moving again. She took forever this time. (CLEARS THROAT) What are you doin' here? What do you mean? Well, I'm supposed to be the only black guy at this party. Oh. Damn. Shit. Yeah, I know. It's wack. Hey, man, my bad, man. Hey, why don't you take this, man? Thanks. Do your thing. Peace out, brother. Hey, honest mistake, right? Hi, my name is Catherine. Yeah, I know. We just had sex five minutes ago. Not scoring any cock either? Cock? I've never even been kissed. Hm. What up, my yellow brothers? Chinks in the house! Reggie Ray, have you seen Janey anywhere? It's a good night for smokin'. Ain't that right, Sausage? (GRUNTS / SNORTS) (BURPS) OK, now close your eyes and wet your lips. Are you for real? Do you want to learn or not? I guess. See? That wasn't so scary. It was nothing. OK. Let's try again, only this time, I'm gonna stick my tongue in your mouth. And when I do that, I want you to massage my tongue with yours. And that's what first base is. OK. Eyes closed. (SQUELCHING) That was cool. Now, have you ever eaten pussy before? You call this a party?! I'm a golden goddess! Show us how drunk you are! You're a unique rebel, Janey! Janey, are you alright? I told you not to let me drink. Janey, I gave you a non-alcoholic beer. Oh. What the hell are you doing here? I,... I was invited. You may have lost those glasses and that ponytail thing you do, but to everyone that matters, you're still a loser. (ALL GASP) Oopsy! Look at that. Oh, my God. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, gee, that's gonna stain! Aw. You're not gonna cry now, are you? Oh. Yes! (SOBS HYSTERICALLY) Look, you can't just start a slow clap at any old time. You gotta wait for the right moment. But how am I going to know when it's the right moment? Oh,... you'll know. . Nobody's allowed down here. Listen, Janey I just thought ` How did you get in here? I deadbolted the door. There's a hole in the side of your house. Who's that? It's my mother. You have her eyes. She died when I was six. Oh. I'm sorry. I remember it like it was yesterday. Christmas, 1989. Dad had just gotten fired from the zipper factory, Mom was still pullin' in tricks to make ends meet, Daniel Day Lewis won an Oscar for My Left Foot. Hm. And all I wanted was one of those little Betsy Wetsy dolls. I remember those. You'd push her belly, she'd piss all over herself. She said she was going out to get my dad a bottle of gin, but I knew she was going to get me that present. It was raining really hard that night. The roads were... slippery. Oh, God, Janey, a car accident. No. Cancer. It was so hard. I had to take on all of her responsibilities. The cooking and cleaning and breast feeding Mitch. Janey, that's all in the past now. You gotta start thinkin' about your future. Look how talented you are. I have this dream of one day just hopping on a plane and going to Paris There's an art school there, but I can't afford it, unless I found some way of raising $26,000 before the admissions cut-off. Oh, my God. My parents give a scholarship to a girl who can't get into art school every year? Really? That's amazing. Yeah. This year we gave it to Lupe Rodriguez, the Mexican finger painter. I think you'd really like her work. Sometimes, I just I wish my life was a fairy tale and some guy would just come and take me away from all this. Ssh. Oh. Oh, um... You ` I was ` Yeah, cos ` My eyes were shut and I was gonna ` Right, and we couldn't ` Yeah. Tot- Whoo! Er,... I'm gonna, um, no, I'm gonna, um,... I'm gonna go. OK. Congratulations to all the young men and women nominated for Prom Queen. You think you're gonna be prom queen? Well, think again, Janey, because you put the "ass" in embarrassment, the "boo" in taboo and the "suck" in liposuction. Is that the best you can do? No. You also put the "brat" in bratwurst and the "ooh" in jujitsu and the "ism" in "this is all just a defence mechanism." So I told her. I said, "You take the old lady, send your mama back in." So, Wyler, you asked your four-eyed circus freak to the prom yet? We resent that! Why don't you just drop it, OK, Austin? Whoa. Looks like Jake here's made a few paint stains in his pants thinkin' about Janey. It's just a bet, OK, man? Ooh. Well, you always did have a thing for butt-ugly girls, Mr I-Have-A-Thing-For-Butt-Ugly- Girls, right? I'm just ` Are you talkin' about Janey? I saw her at a party and she was lookin' as good as a dumpster filled with gristles. Bling, bling. Janey Briggs... is hot. Hey, Janey. Oh! Hey, Jake. Listen, I've been doin' a lot of thinkin', and the thing is, there's somethin' I wanna ask ya. And I don't wanna make a big deal out of it and drag it out, so I'm just gonna lay it out there, OK? Here it is. See, I don't like making big speeches. I'm a straight shooter. I-I I call 'em like I see 'em. What you see is is what you get. Ain't nobody gonna break my stride. Ain't nobody gonna slow me down. Oh, no. Jake,... are are you trying to ask me to the...? Yeah. Oh, er.... I'd love to go with you. Great. Great. I'll see ya in English. You... Alright! It's time to play some football. Tonight, the John Hughes Wasps defend their title against the North Compton Wildcats. Goddamn! That was the fastest first half of football I've ever seen. You ain't foolin' us cos we saw you at our practice and I know you stole our routine. I don't know what you're talking about cos we've always done our own cheers, right, girls? That's right. Well, then, you better bring it. Oh, it's already been broughten. Nice comeback, Priscilla. Yeah! We are the North Compton Wildcats We're black, we know it We shake our big booties and show it We ain't white, we ain't white We definitely ain't white Break it down, niggas! Damn, those bitches represent! (CHEERING) Whoo! alright! Hey, Reggie Ray. I smell a bet. You alright? Coach says it's alright to bleed from the ears. I gotta go back out on the field. Alright. Just be careful. You know, you only have three ` Two concussions left. Reggie Ray? And we're back for the second half. (WILD CHEERING) Let's go, Wasps! (MUMBLES) Blue 33! Hut! That's defence right there, baby! Oh! Say good day to Reggie Ray. Sit down, boy. He just got the wind knocked out of him. Come on, Reggie Ray, get up! Reggie Ray! You still have another concussion! It doesn't look good, Coach. Can he play? He's in a coma. Answer my question! Can he play?! He can't even breathe. We gotta get him to a hospital. Listen to me! I don't care what you have to do! Reggie Ray stays in the game, goddamn it! Holy shit, this motherfucker's heavy. Blue 15! Set! Hut! (SQUEAKS) Goddamn it, Reggie Ray! Aaaargh! (BLOWS WHISTLE) Wham, bam! What the fuck just happened? OK, Wyler, I've got no choice. You're the only quarterback I got left. I say we get the ball to Marty. All you gotta do is run out the clock. You can't go through life bein' scared, Marty. I'm a hero! That's heroic. I'm a hero. Wyler, goddamn it! Get your ass in the game! You're our only chance! You're a pussy, Wyler! Do it for Marty's torso! You got butterflies, huh? Who are you? I'm the wise janitor. I'm here to impart knowledge, help youngsters overcome their fears. I also replace the sanitary cakes in the urinals, but right now, I'm here to help you get your throw back. How did you...? I've been watching you, kid. Durin' practice, in the hallways, in the locker rooms, takin' a shower, whuppin' other boys with a wet towel I can tell you kinda like that. Whoa. Hey. Let's just get back to the throw, OK? The thing that happened with Marty, it wasn't your fault. Really? OK, it WAS your fault. But the point is, you got to get over it. It could've happened to anybody that disobeyed the coach's orders and the team wishes and threw a bullet pass to the slightly-retarded 90lb kid who should never have been on the field. Whoa. Stop. How is any of this supposed to be helping me? You're right. Forget about what I said. The main thing, you gotta go out there, believe in the ball and throw yourself. You can do it. I'm goin' out there. 25 seconds remaining, and the fate of the season rests in the hands of fourth-string quarterback, Jake Wyler. Translation ` we're shit out of luck. Give me a W! W! Give me a Y! Y! Give me a... Lick my pussy-ass cock, shit! Lick my pussy-ass cock, shit! Whoo! Whoo! Blue 83! Blue 83! Reggie Ray? I reckon I'm feelin' much better. Set! Hut! Oh, shit! No! That has to be the worst pass I've ever seen, ever. What the hell was that? (SLOW HAND CLAP) (PIG SQUEALS) Jake?! Jake! Hey. You did great out there. I blew the game, Janey. I let everyone down. It's just a football game, Jake. Besides,... you didn't let ME down. Really? (CRASH!) Jake, you've taught me to be myself. You never saw me as the girl in glasses and a ponytail. Don't forget about the paint-covered overalls. Right. You never noticed those either. Well, you taught me a lot about myself too, Janey. Oh, Jake. Nothing could ever come between us now. Jake Wyler. So congratulations, man. You just blew my perfect season, Senor You-Just-Blew-My-Perfect- Season. What do you want, Austin? A life. And payback. Come on, man, don't do this. No, man, I think I'll hang around, maybe tell Janey a little S-E-C-R-A-T... P. Er... What's going on? (CHUCKLES) Austin. Austin, this isn't funny! No. I don't believe it. Alright! Janey, I said I could turn ya into prom queen, but that's when I thought you were ugly, you know, the girl with no friends and who was dirt poor and smelled a little funky. Look, I made a mistake. If I could go back now, I never would've made that stupid bet. What bet? Whoa, I never said anything about a bet. All I said was, "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret so that Jake thinks I'm telling you a big secret, which'll cause him to break into a confession where he reveals a big secret, thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear." So how long have you been here . # I wish I didn't make that bet # That's not the guy I want to be # If I could just turn back the clock # Then Janey would still be # with me # Tell me, Mom, what should I do? # I love this boy, but he has been untrue # I'll do my best to make things right # I wish we could resolve this fight # It could happen # It could happen # At the prom tonight # I'm gettin' pussy, no matter what # Even if it with dirty slut # True love is what I want the most # I just jerked off in your French toast # So what if we have the same mother # Tonight I'm gonna fuck my brother # In a few hours I'll be queen of the prom # I've been an alcoholic since my first tour in Nam # I asked Janey to the prom And she doesn't know why # I'm only in the song because I'm a black guy Hey! Look out now. # I have no money I have to make my own dress # Look at me My breasts are perky, yes # I'm gonna win her back No matter what it takes # Here I go I'm gonna forget about Jake # Prom tonight # Do-do do-do-do # Prom tonight, do-do do-do-do # Prom tonight, do-do do-do-do # Oh-oh # It's gonna happen # Gonna happen # Gonna happen # At the prom # tonight # # "If You Leave" ` Good Charlotte When I was a freshman, I threw 176 touchdown passes. My sophomore year, I ran 14 in on my own with a sprained ankle, a broken phalange, a ruptured duodenum and a subdermal haematoma. # Scooby-dooby doo bop # Scoob-scooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doo bop yeah # I bet she great bonk. Excuse me, Bruce? No, no, you do not bonk Amanda Becker. You make sweet, sweet love to her. Amanda Becker's like a flower. You smell her. You touch her gently. You admire the beauty. You watch it blossom. And you thank God he created something so perfect. Go to her. Am-Ama-Amanda? Be strong, Mitch! What do you expect from me? Do you think I'm just gonna have sex with you? No. No, no, you you don't understand. Cos I am not some kind of cheap slut. I don't screw every pathetic guy that gives me a letter. I give them hand jobs. Wanna dance? Only if we're horizontal. OK, I totally heard that. We're dancing. # "I Want Candy" ` Good Charlotte Ugh! Funny, isn't it? You'd never suspect that everyone at this school is a professional dancer. Oh, God! I wanna do it right here on the dance floor. Janey! Don't you forget our deal. She wins, you're mine. (CHEERING) And now, the moment every popular guy who's made a bet to turn a uniquely rebellious girl into prom queen has been waiting for. The announcement of this year's prom king and queen. This year's prom king is... (DRUMROLL) Marty! Jake Wyler! This year's prom queen is... You've got it, Priscilla. I don't believe it. It's a tie. (ALL GASP) A tie? Shit. Your new prom queens are... Kara and Sara Fratelli. Fuck! They deserve it. Congratulations. Oh! OK. There we go! Your king and queen. I say we make like a tree and branch... outta here. Now, it is traditional for the king and queen to share a ceremonial dance. Come here. # Put your heads on my shoulder # Hold me in your arms Mm, you smell good. # Squeeze me oh so tight and show me # That you love me too... # Janey! Malik, do you know where Austin went? All I know is that he rented a room at the Sunrise Motel. Room number six. It's the one right past the ice dispenser. If you hit the Pepsi machine, you went too far. Oh, and the door will definitely not be locked. That's all I know. Thanks, Malik. You know, you're an intelligent, insightful human being who doesn't get the respect and attention he deserves. Wow! You really mean that, Jake? That's great, man, because I've always wanted to discuss with you the repercussions of the ramifications ` Gotta go. Sorry. Motherfucker. Hold it right there, mister! I am not going to let you hurt Janey again, OK? Besides, I love her. Well, so do I. Yes, but I'm the best friend and I have been in front of her face the whole time and she doesn't really realise it yet, but she will. Well, I'm the reformed cool guy who's learned the error of his ways. She'll forgive me for my mistakes and realise that I really love her. Damn it, that's true! Why is this door locked?! This is a fire hazard! Get out of the road! Watch it, man! She's not attracted to you! She doesn't love you! Ah, you'll never be more than a friend! Ice dispenser. Six. Oh, yeah, I'll make you forget all about losing prom queen! Tell me who your daddy is now! Can you tell me who your papa is? Whoo-hoo-hoo! Get off her, man! Priscilla. Don't move. What the hell is going on in here? Something beautiful. Where's Janey? Little Miss Run-Home-To-My-Daddy ran home to her daddy. (BOTH LAUGH) That's for taking Janey to the prom! You put the...! That's for hurting Janey at Preston's party! This is really turning me on. That's for bein' really weird. Thank you. . Hello. Hi. I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but for once, I wish I could meet a nice, sensitive guy who wanted more than just sex. That is very admirable. For once, I wish a guy would take me out for dinner. I feel the same way. And for once,... I wish a guy would take a dump on my chest. That is appalling. That really upsets me. I can't believe nobody's ever taken a dump on your chest. Will you be that guy? It would be an honour and a privilege. Janey?! Hello?! Is anybody home? Get down! Enemy fire! Er, Mr Briggs? Mr Briggs, excuse me, sir. Do you know where Janey is? She went out there. On her own. There's Charlie everywhere. Right. Er, do you know where she went? Couldn't take it any more. Went to the airport. Somethin' about... Paris. Her tour's over. Paris. Thank you, sir. I need ammo! I can't hold 'em off much longer! Off the road, you glasses and ponytail freak! (UNINTELLIGIBLE YELLS) Next stop, airport. The red zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. No parking. Your attention, please. All 1986 red Porsche 944s parked in the white zone will be towed immediately. Paris Air, flight 805, Art School in Paris, from gate 122 is now boarding. Excuse me, everyone! There's a girl boarding a plane right now to Paris that I love. And if I don't get there in time and tell her how I really feel, I may never see her again. Go get her, son. Good luck, young man. (BEEP!) Oh, hell, just go. (BEEP!) Freeze, bitch! You're bleeding on my suitcase! (BONE CRACKS) Excuse me! Excuse me, everyone! There's a girl about to board a plane to Paris right now that I love, and ` We already heard that one. Asshole. This is the final boarding call for Paris Air, flight 805 to art school in Paris, departing from gate 122. Janey! Hey, shithead, that's mine. Come on, give it back. Just believe in the ball, Jake, and throw yourself. Yeah. Yes! Nice shot, Jake. Ow! Jake? Janey, thank God I got to you in time. Listen to me. I won't let you get on this plane and go to Paris. This is the final boarding call ` Well, why not? So, if you're trying to find the words to stop a girl from leaving, now would be the time. Janey,... I made that bet before I knew you. Before I really knew me. Oh, Jake. OK, hold it right there. Please tell me that you didn't just quote Freddie Prinze Junior. I knew it. That was a line from She's All That. I masturbate to that movie. Er, do you mind? Not at all. I think masturbation's very healthy. Janey, you told me you couldn't believe in someone that didn't believe in you. Well, I believed in you. I always believed in you. Oh, Jake. Oh, God, I can't believe you fell for that crap! That's from Pretty in Pink. Are you sure? Trust me. Excuse me. What are you doing? Let me give you a little piece of advice here, Jake. Lose the I'm-the-cute-and-sensitive- popular-boy routine. It's pathetic. And for once, tell Janey what's true in your heart. Stop being such a little bitch. And you, Miss Awkward-Rebel-Girl- With-The-Pseudo-Intellectual-Glasses why don't you wise up to Jake's bullshit? Stop being such a dumb ass. She's right. Janey? Yes, Jake? Maybe you should get on that plane and go to Paris. Huh? Well, if you stay, we really only have the summer and then I go to college and we'll spend the occasional weekend together, which is nice, but chances are, one night, I'm gonna get wrecked and have unprotected sex with some girl in my dorm. You'll find her thong and call me a slut. I'll call you a cock tease and we'll break up. So, when you really think about it, what's the point? Well, that wasn't exactly the kind of truth I was expecting. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna fall for it. How big of a dumb ass do you think I am? You obviously stole that speech from Karate Kid. Er, no, actually, I ` Ssh. Jake, it's OK. I love you too. We all know where this is going. Fucking teenagers. # "I Melt With You" ` Saves The Day This is it, the right moment. (SLOW HAND CLAPPING) Son of a bitch! Oh! Betty,... meet Apollonia. We're gonna have a three way. Aaargh! www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 # "Don't You Forget About Me" ` Sprung Monkey # "Friends" ` Sprung Monkey # The sun's burnt my cornea # I can no longer see # I'm not kidding Somebody please fucking help me #