5 Got some. Dad peed in his pants. Get used to it, son. When I'm old, you'll have to change my diaper. Another year over. I can't believe it. I can't believe our sons are seven. In a couple years, they'll be starting a band, growing their hair long, stealing your Suburban to go on tour. Charlie, we have ourselves a situation. OK, I'll be a minute. Oh! Um, Phil. Phil. (GROANS) Rare. Good. See? Ugh. Save room for cake. (CLEARS THROAT) (GIGGLES) Never mind that on the cake. (LAUGHING) Hey, Mom. Hey, slow down. It was the end of Summer Olympiad between us and our rival camp. The final event, the relay race. Coming down the stretch, I was flying like the wind. You were sweating sheets of rain. You could barely move in a straight line. I was still in the lead. Whatever. Then I hand the baton to Charlie, he drops it, we lose. Then Lance Warner flew right past you to the finish line. I hated that snot-nosed brat. He's why I didn't have a good time. So, honey, why is Ben going on and on about going off to camp? The permission slip's been on the fridge for three weeks, he really wants to go and I think he should. Well, Phil and I have talked, the boys aren't going. What do you mean? I mean, they're not going. All those snakes and spiders and wedgies. Just because you had a bad experience as a kid at camp doesn't mean our son will have one, too. What are you talking about? I was there. You were scarred for life. I'm laying on the ground, staring up at my father. He's there with that look of disapproval. Just over some stupid camp game. I will not allow my son to let anything like that happen to him. He will know I love and support him no matter what. Good. Then you can love and support him going to camp. You didn't hear what I just said? Yes, I did and he's not you and you definitely are not your father. Huh. Oh, and you're driving them. # Bottles of non-alcoholic beer # 6,233 bottles of non-alcoholic beer on the wall # 6,233 bottles of beer # Take one down, pass it around # There it is. Camp Canola. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't wanna go to rival Canola. But that's where everyone goes. No, if you wanna go to camp, you wanna go to Driftwood. Yeah, Camp Canola's some rundown shack on a piece of swamp land. At least, it used to be. Cool. Awesome. It's a lake. I don't remember a lake. Well, this ain't nothing. Wait till you see where you guys are going. Camp Driftwood. What the heck? 'Yeah, well, you're crazy, Morty.' That's the best offer you're ever gonna get for this craphole! I'm doing you a favour, butthead. You're crazy, Morty. Are you folks lost? No, we're here to check out the camp. (LAUGHS) You wanna bring your kids here? (LAUGHS) Oh, that's beautiful. (LAUGHS) Yeah. (LAUGHS) Hey, good luck with that. (CONTINUES TO LAUGH) Whoo! OK, kids, come on. Didn't you hear? Camp's closed. (BOTH) Yes! What happened? This place used to be the best. Well, now seems like everybody wants newer, better, properly licensed and bonded. They want Camp Canola down the road. You guys went to Driftwood? Yeah, we were here when we were kids. Then you know. This place really used to be something special. And Canola was a dump. Then some rich family bought it, eventually turned it over to that mutant son of theirs. What'll happen to Driftwood? Well, soon I'm gonna have no choice but to sell it to Canola. It's a pity cos all he wants to do is bulldoze over it. Can you believe it? That kid's been a pain in my heinie since he won the '77 Olympiad. I just hate to give that jerk, Lance Warner, the satisfaction. Warner? Lance Warner? He wants to buy this camp and tear it down? Our camp? You bought a what? It's just a partnership with the original owner. Look, I know the day care centre has been successful but you've spent a lot of our savings fixing this house up to accommodate more kids. The Daddy Day Care brand means a lot in this town. Re-purposing that brand into summer is just smart business. Since when do you know how to run a camp? That's just it. I'm not gonna run the camp, Uncle Morty is. Phil and I are just gonna help out. I can spend as much time with Ben as possible. But you hate the outdoors. Yes, but I hate Lance Warner more. There's no way my son's going to his camp. Can you just send him to Canola? That's where all his friends are. No. No way. Listen, my father sent me to camp and it didn't go so great. OK? Maybe I can give Ben the positive experience I never had. (SIGHS) Well, just promise me you'll let this Uncle Morty do the real outdoorsy stuff. I don't wanna have to send a search party to come rescue your lost butt in the woods. Come on, Sally. Now, don't play hard to get. Oh, you little tease. Oh, you... I've gotcha. (CHUCKLES) # Ooga, ooga, skidiliay # It's another beautiful woodchuck day, baby # Hey, that's great. You remember the old cheer. I can't thank you guys enough. I mean, you saved the old place. With your help, I can't wait to show that Lance Warner how to run a good, old-fashioned summer camp. Swell! I'll see you guys in September. Say what, now? Uncle Morty? (LAUGHS) Excuse me. Uncle Morty, you can't leave. You're supposed to be overseeing the camp. We're partners. I've been watching over this camp for 30 years. It's time I took a vacation, partner. Don't worry. Dale, here, will show you the ropes. He's the best counsellor I got. No, Morty, wait. You can't leave! Wait. Come back. (YELLS) (GRUNTS) (COUGHS) What was that about? This is my first day. Charles Hinton? I'm Charlie. I'm from FMJ Bank. No doubt your uncle Morty informed you of the liens we have against your property. Informed? He just took his little fishy up the road. As the business has no clients and therefore no discernible means of income, the bank will have no choice but to foreclose on the property. (BOTH) Foreclose? Let me ask you something. What if this camp could show discernible means of income? Continue. We have run the Daddy Day Care Centre successfully for the past several years. Allow us to use the hard-earned trust that name brings to build in new clientele. I suppose I could recommend to the bank that we extend the length of the debt for about a month. Assuming, of course, that you can maintain the camp and a client base of at least 30 children. We'll have this place in tiptop shape in no time. (BUGS BUZZ) Yeah, you got a methane problem, all right. Gonna have to have that baby pumped. Oh, crap. Yeah, you said it. Gonna need a whole new septic tank, new plumbing, the works. Cost you about 14. Hundred? Thousand. You know what? We'll buy the kids gas masks. It's your party, pally, but that methane is dangerous. You boys best be careful. (CHUCKLES) (FARTING) Oh, Phil! What? That wasn't me. # Call N Return - Hellogoodbye Ogh. # You promised me starry night skies # They just remind me of your shining bright eyes # I'm missing your voice at night time # This separation seems a sad crime # But don't, don't, don't # Think, think, think # I forgot you, you, you # Are, are, are oh, so sweet # I, I, I, I knew # If only you were here # Things would be magical # If I was there # Right now would be more radical # You're so not near # I'm wishing I could place a call # And feel closer to you # Oh, the miles of air # And road and land # That separate me # From all my plans # Were having, having, having, having fun # But something, something tells me I miss someone # But I hope, hope, hope # You didn't forget me 5 OK, here's your lunch, sweetie. It's a sugar-free, wheat-free, gluten-free tofu nugget. You have your Sidekick with text and GPS locator in case you get lost and waterproof sunscreen in case it gets sunny while it's still raining. Mother, it's day camp. I'll be seven miles away and home before dinner. Did you take your Xanax? Dad, I don't wanna go to camp in the rain. I wanna stay home and watch nudie flicks. The brochure said there would be sun. Please behave yourself. And for the love of God, try not to make anyone bleed. Take your Dramamine now before you get on the bus, and then later if you ride a horse or anything that bounces, rocks or sways. What about my Pepto? Save that for lunch. And your Beano, in case you have a snack. (CHEERING) (BUS HORN HONKS) # Ooga, ooga, skidiliay # It's another beautiful woodchuck day # (CHEERING) Hey, hey, hey! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Robert, promise me you'll put those games away and try to be social this summer. Die, alien scum, die. Carl, don't let the other kids tease your brother. What am I? Dr Phil? I've got nothing to work with here. Archibald Lawrence Mapleton? Call me Mullet. Business up front, party in the back, baby. Juliette Stone? Present. Holy Hogwarts. Ow! Watch the merchandise, dude. (BADLY-PLAYED BUGLE MUSIC) (SIGHS) I still got it, huh? I can't hear! My ears! (KIDS SING) Ooh! OK, this is it. Time to give them a summer they'll never forget. (KIDS CONTINUE TO SING) (HORN HONKS) (HORN STOPS) They won't forget that. (KIDS SQUEAL) Hey, nature walkers, lotion up. OK, Robin Hoods, gather around. Everybody, take a bow. There you go. There's enough for everyone. There you go. Hey, Romeo. If you like her, go in that group. No. No, that's OK. I've only gotta kill one more Orc. Right. Kill your Orc, you dork. Dad, I wanna be in the group with Max. I'm older than these babies. I should be in that group. I didn't sign up to be with no skirts. They got cooties. There's no such thing as cooties. It's simply a term used to express age-appropriate discomfort of those not of our gender. (CHUCKLES) Oh... (KIDS ARGUE) Hey! Hey! Stop it! (ARGUING CONTINUES) Stop arguing! You wanted to accommodate children of all ages. Well, at this point, we can't be too picky. (ARGUING CONTINUES) OK. Look, here we have grass. Some grass and a big rock. How many more to go? Ah. Well, everybody gather round. Get in here. Can anyone tell me what kind of tree this is? Um, an oak? Hmm. Yeah, sure. OK. Oh, look over here. Some berries, maybe a strawberry thing. I wouldn't eat them, though. Watch out. Poison ivy! Poison Ivy! Keep moving, slowly, behind the bush. Come on, slowly. Don't touch it. Careful, careful. OK. Um, that would be a leaf. Ready. Aim. Wait. There's a bunny. We can't shoot with a bunny in the field. That bunny's way off to the side. You'll never hit it. Yes, we can. That's good eating. No, it's not. (KIDS ARGUE) Wait, wait, wait! Wait! All right. Hang on. Back up, back up. So the rebel Borg rogue vessel... ..circles around Barkon IV,... ..loops over the Enterprise, and doubles back through the space nebula. We passed this tree twice already. Because it's a very important tree and I wanted to emphasise it. We're not lost. Alligator. (SCREAMING) Calm down. Stop. Calm down. Stop. We don't have alligators on the nature hike. It's not that good a camp. See, kids? Everything's gonna be just fine. Air varmint. Uh-oh. (SCREAMS) (KIDS LAUGH) I appreciate that you kids are such quick learners but these knots are not supposed to be used for evil. See? Just a big, dumb empty log. (BUZZING) Bees! Scatter! (SCREAMS) (KIDS SCREAM) Now, put two thumbs up. You guys, two, three, or four of you are out cos I didn't say, "Simon says." All right, Simon Says. Ben. Hey, Ben. Simon says, "Wave at Daddy." Good concentration, son. You know, cos I'm not Simon. Good job, Dale. (CHATTERS) Yeah! Oh, no, so many of you are out right now, I can't even count how many. Can I help you? Felix. Simon Says. A classic. (BOTH LAUGH) I was showing the kids here where the go-kart track will be once you and your team of idiots run your camp into the ground. First of all, it's not for sale. Yeah, well, from what I heard, that may not be up to you. Yeah, a little something called foreclosure. Axe coming down. Do you see all those kids running around down there? Does that look like a business in trouble? It's only day one, buddy. Once all those kids see how much fun we're having over at Camp Canola, they'll be jumping ship like harbour rats. (KIDS LAUGH) And to make matters worse, you will never be able to beat the Chief in the Olympiad. That's him. He's the Chief. And you poop in your shorts. Nice son you got there, Lance. He ain't my kid. I hate kids. First of all, there ain't gonna be any Olympiad. Secondly, I only care about building these kids up, not tearing them down with some futile attempt at competition. That's pathetic. You won't last a month. Yeah. 31 days. Or 30. Except for February, which stands alone. All right, let's go. Dang, he looks familiar. All right, Camp Canola. Let's head out. (KIDS LAUGH) Oh! Oh! No! Wait! Oh, good Lord! Watch and learn. Mullet. Come on. Hurry up. I want candy. (KIDS SHOUT) Dang it! (KIDS CHEER) Dale, make sure you count them twice. Everybody on the... Hey, no fighting. Ogh! On the bus. Get on the bus. (GRUMBLING) Oh, thank God. See? This is exactly where I thought we'd come out. You all get down to the bus. It'll be leaving any second. I've gotta drop the kids off at the pool. We have a pool? Um, no. (KIDS SCREAM) This is the worst camp ever. Thanks for coming. (SKUNK CHATTERS) (KIDS SCREAM) No, no, Max. All right, no, Max, Max. Oh! OK, off the bus. Everybody off the bus. Yes, off the bus. OK. OK. Relax. Ogh! Ogh! (SKUNK CHATTERS) What's wrong with him? He was born with no sense of smell. Ogh! Ugh! What's his problem? Mayhoffer's gonna blow. What? (VOMITS) (KIDS GROAN) (SIGHS) (HUMS) (RADIO) "Phil, we got a situation here. I need help." "I need backup. I repeat, backup for..." (VOLUME GOES DOWN) (BREATHES) All right. (BUGS BUZZ) Code blue. Code blue, Phil. (KIDS SCREAM) Wow. What else could go wrong? No, no, no, please... Oh, my God! (KIDS SCREAM) I think we're gonna need more toilet paper. 4 Baby, it's just not your area of expertise. You need someone with more outdoor experience. Someone like your father. You're gonna call Grandpa? No. No, Mommy's just making a joke. I don't need Buck. Kids all over town are bathing in tomato juice, thanks to you. It was one lousy skunk and a harmless methane explosion. Your father's a military man. You told me yourself Buck knows everything about the outdoors. Roughing it, managing troops, survival skills. Yeah, and he realises it through anger, shaming and criticism. Here, baby, sponge yourself. (SIGHS) Look, I know that you two have had your problems. Problems? No. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him including sports, school and work. But other than that? I think he could help and I know Ben would be thrilled to see him. I think it's time you give him a chance. Look, baby, this is my thing, OK? I'll handle it. Phil and I got special camp consultants coming tomorrow. It's a fresh start and a new day. Consultants? Yes. It's all right here in our Idea Binders. That's for you. You just trust us. Oh! Syl. Come to me. I'm right here. Be with me, think with me. We could have this entire area carpeted. Shag carpet. Like a child, a universe grows. # All for the children # All for the children! (SINGS) That was a waste of time. Hey, don't worry. When those 35 kids get off that bus, we're gonna show them adventure, Charlie and Phil style. (HORN HONKS) OK. See, Phil, it's all we needed. A new day, fresh start. (CHUCKLES) Way to go, Dad. What? That's all we got. The other parents are demanding a full refund. Let's go this way, guys. We only got seven kids left, Phil. There's no other way we'll cover these bills. We can't afford to hire consultants, make the foreclosure payment. We can't even afford to give refunds. That money went back into repairs. You're gonna have to swallow your pride and get a man in here who can help run this camp. (MILITARY MUSIC) Historically, the art of using troops is this. When ten to the enemy's one, surround them with tanks. At five times the strength, you attack with air strikes. Napoleon. All manoeuvres were on horseback. Saladin, camels. "(PHONE RINGS)" Colonel here. Just a sec. Civilians, you're dismissed. That's better. How can I help you? No, no. No, the time is fine. You don't say? And that's how you treat an acute poison ivy breakout. I'd like to apologise to you guys for letting you play in what I thought was clover. Jack, I wouldn't go number two for a few weeks if I were you. I think you used that "clover" for toilet paper. If you'd all sign these waivers acknowledging you've been briefed on safety... Here you go. OK. Excuse me. With the exception of emancipated minors, I don't believe that a personal injury waiver with confidentiality clause, executed by a child is a legally binding document, Uncle Phil. (KIDS YELL) It's a raid! (KIDS SCREAM) Camp Canola! (YELLS) (KIDS YELL) Get the flag. (BOTH YELL) Hiya! Ogh! (YELLS) (LAUGHS) I can use the second mortgage on the house to pay off the bills for the camp? Great. No, no, no, Mr Thumson, I don't need you to come out here. No, no, no, business is fine. It's just... You know, we have such a full house. (YELLING) Can I call you back? (KIDS YELL) What the heck is going on here? (YELLS) (KIDS CHEER) Open your ear-holes, dweebers. "We, the mighty troops of Fort Canola, have braved hill and dale so that we may find who are the greatest warriors in the land." (KIDS CHEER) No. No. No way. You are way out of line, Lance. Behold! (KIDS CHEER) This spear of honour garnished with the flame of truth. Now, I challenge ye to the XLV Annual Intercamp Olympiad. (KIDS CHEER) That's the 37th Olympiad to you, pea brain. 45th. I told you before, there isn't gonna be any competition. Well, then let the onslaught continue. (HORN BLOWS) (KIDS YELL) (LAUGHS) Now's your chance. Go say something. (SIGHS) Do you like World of Warcraft? World of what? Um, I'm a Level 40 Blood Elf Druid. I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Goodbye. I like causing destruction, not cleaning up after it. That why you threw a paint grenade at your own campmate during a raid? What can I say? War is hell, skunk-boy. Argh! Ugh! (KIDS) Fight, fight, fight, fight! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (KIDS) Fight, fight, fight, fight! Cut it out. Stop it. Stop fighting. (SHOUTING) A ten-hut. I see this unit's morale is flagging. There is only one solution for that. All of those who are my grandson, front and centre. Come here, you little peanut. Grandpa Buck. (LAUGHS) Do you remember this manoeuvre? Sneak attack at tickle point. (BOTH LAUGH) Everyone, this is my father, Colonel Buck Hinton. Reporting for duty, corporal. Please don't call me that. All right, then, private. Ogh! Gentlemen. Ladies. What I just witnessed was a mutiny. Among campers, that is unacceptable from this point forward. Now, front and centre. Double time. I'll make soldiers out of you if it's the last thing I do. No, wait a minute. There is no mutiny. Everything is under control. This is not why I called you. Why the misconduct, soldier? We got raided by Camp Canola. Yeah. Sneak attack, huh? Well, I'm sorry, private. We should be planning a counterattack. Meet force with force. I say we hit 'em at nightfall. (KIDS) Yeah! No! No. No. Driftwood Day Camp. Hit them at five when the sun's in their eyes. (KIDS CHEER) OK, guys. Guys, can you excuse us for a minute? Uh-huh. Listen, this is not a boot camp. All right? We're not looking for Colonel Hinton, war games consultant. We're looking for Colonel Hinton, experienced team builder slash King of the Outdoors. Right. OK? We're not trying to turn these kids into marines. (CHUCKLES) What's wrong with being a marine? Maybe if you had enlisted, you'd know how to work yourself out of a jam instead of calling in reinforcements. OK. Listen. Yes, I do appreciate you coming. Yes, we do need your help. But we don't wanna get into this thing with Camp Canola. No war games? No. Hand-to-hand combat? (SIGHS) Guerrilla warfare? No war. No war. Just help us run Driftwood, all right? Yeah. Can you follow those orders, Dad? That's colonel to you, private. Line up. (KIDS SING) In through the nose. Out through the mouth. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. The samurai warrior meditates to blend mind and body into harmony. (KIDS YELL) OK, come to me. Hey! Hey! Hey, old man, what's with the seance in the middle of our off-road track? What? Get them out of here! Get your kids out of here! Get them out of here! Somebody's gonna get hurt! Hey. Relax, General Depends. (LAUGHS) Shouldn't you be at some bingo game or something? I-27. G-13. All right, boys. Let's move them out. B-7. G-40. L-49! That tears it. Rules of engagement... been overruled. 4 There's the objective. Anyone unclear on their role? (KIDS) No, sir. Anyone wanna go home? (KIDS) No, sir. Operation MoonPie is a go. It's right up here. Help. Help. Come on, y'all. Give me a lift. Come on, please. Go, go. Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? I know that loser from somewhere. Where is it? Oh. Oh-ho-ho-ho! Jackpot. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Charlie Hinton. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Can I help you? Hi, my name's Becca. I'm Juliette. And we've come to offer you the Driftwood Olive Branch of Peace. In exchange for our friendship, all we ask is that you return our flag. (LAUGHS) Did big, bad Charlie send his little bitty girls to do his bidding for him, huh? Huh? Let's put it this way. Either you give it back or we take it. You and what army, Petunia? You had to ask. (WHISTLE BLOWS) Ask what? What the...? (KIDS YELL) Hey! Agh! Ogh! Hey! (KIDS YELL) Ow! You're messing with Lance Warner. (KIDS YELL) Agh! Ow! Stuck! Agh! (LAUGHS) Argh! Hey! Agh! Agh! Yes! Agh! Hey, Warner! Agh! Yes. That's my boy. Sound the alarm. Red alert. We're under attack. This is not a drill, people. Everyone to your stations! Security's been breached! The perimeter's been compromised! Lock the gates! Call my dad! (GASPS) Hey, Dale, you seen Buck? He was supposed to be back with the kids an hour ago. I wouldn't sweat it. Your dad's, like, the most responsible guy I've ever met. Yeah, you're probably right. (YELLS) Get back here, you little rodents. Come on. Come on. Come on, come on! No! No, no, no. Give me my pants back. Well,... ..here's your diaper. Clean yourself off. Move out! (KIDS LAUGH) Let go! Get back here, you cowards. No-one messes with Lance Warner, you hear me? No-one! (KIDS LAUGH) # GI Joe is turning red # Someone farted on his head # GI Joe is turning pink # Someone puked in the kitchen sink # GI Joe is turning white # The zippers on his pants are really tight # GI Joe is turning blue # There are peanuts in his poo # Company, halt. Where have you been? Your hike was supposed to be back an hour ago. Present colours. You didn't. Yes, sir. Robert, what happened to your head? It's just a battle wound. Dale, go get the first-aid kit. You take these kids off our premises without permission slips and bring them back like this? Affirmative. See, this is exactly the thing I was afraid of. We restored our honour, Dad. It was just... 'Hey!' Hey! What kind of insane militant nut factory you running here, huh? Huh, Charlie Hinton? Driftwood Class of '77. That's right, I know who you are. Listen, Lance. I'm really sorry about this. My father and I were just about to have a discussion about it. This is your father? (LAUGHS) Oh, this is classic. Oh, sure. The chicken's come home to roost, huh? Now I know why you don't wanna compete in the Olympiad. You're afraid of getting your butt kicked again in front of Lieutenant Prune Juice. Colonel. Oh, Colonel. Sorry. Look, Lance, I'm just trying to teach these kids about sportsmanship. No, the only thing you can teach these kids is how to lose. Or have you forgotten? Daddy, look at me. Whee! Ow! Ogh! Ogh! Wow! Oh! I'm a failure. (LAUGHS) You know why my parents bought Camp Canola for me? No, why? Because that summer when I kicked your butt, (SNIFFLES) that was the best moment of my life. And now, every day when I wake up, I get to live that dream. And it is fantastic. Peaked when you were 11, did you, Lance? See, I get it, Charlie. You don't want your kid to end up a loser like you. Like father, like son. (LAUGHS) Oh, sure. No, that's cool. You walk away. Yeah, cos refusing to compete just proves to the community which camp they should send their kids to. Mine. (LAUGHS) Adios! (SQUAWKS) What I'd really like to do is kick your butt. Being as we're trying to set a good example here, mister, you got yourself an Olympiad. (KIDS CHEER) Fantastic. (LAUGHS) Yes! Yeah! Good, good. Good job. Good job. The great Julius Caesar once said - You were way out of line with what you did today. If we do this thing, we do it my way. You got it? Affirmative. Good. Now, what do you think we should do? A sleepover? I thought the whole purpose of a day camp was you sent the kids home at the end of the day. Hey, it was your idea to get my father involved. According to Buck, the best way to build team unity is to put the kids in a new situation where they have to work together to overcome stuff. Well, I think someone wants to impress his own father. (SIGHS) Listen, this Olympiad is gonna be good for business. Once those Canola parents see how well our kids work together, we might drum up new customers. Honey, if you think parents are gonna switch camps based off of who wins some silly events... (DOORBELL RINGS) Mrs Hinton? Yes. I'm Edward Thumson from the bank. Um... I... Yes, I'm aware of who you are, but what are you doing in my house? Is that real Tiffany crystal? It is standard procedure for us to do a pre-inventory prior to the foreclosure. Yes, but the first instalment is not due until next week. True. But with only six campers, it's mathematically impossible for - Actually, there's seven campers. What's going on? Oh, I'll tell you what's going on. We overextended ourselves with the camp and now strange men are touching the furniture, messing with my mama's vase and Mr Thumson's threatening to take my house away. OK, OK. I know what I gotta do. What? I'll sell the camp. Listen to me. If you believe by winning this Olympiad that more kids will come to the camp, then you go kick some Lance Warner butt. (ROCK MUSIC) # Oh, oh, oh # Oh, oh, oh # Karma took the day off # Keep your heads up # I'm not joking # They don't give you many # I don't take any # I don't owe nothing # I can't lie # I'm good inside # I even cry # Sometimes # I'm too real # I'm too human, being human # I'm too real # I'm just a human, being human # Being me # Oh, oh, oh # Oh, oh, oh Come on. Come on, soldier! # Don't know what you'd call it # Fear of falling # Paranoia # I watch where I'm walking Yes! # And who I'm calling Ben! Hey! # I can't lie # I'm good inside # I even cry # Sometimes # I'm too real # I'm too human, being human # I'm too real # Just a human, being human # Being real # Whoo! Ogh! (ALL) # Do your ears hang low? # Do they wobble to and fro # Can you tie them in a knot? # Can you tie them in a bow? # Come on, son. # Do your hears hang low? # I know the song. Well, what? You don't like being in the support vehicle with your old man instead of out there with poison ivy, rocks and whatnot? It's a hike. I look like a goober. OK. You're right. Oh, look at her. She even puts on bug spray like an angel. You're pathetic. Go walk with her. Get your groove on, dude. What makes you such an expert? You're only six! I know I won't spend the best years of my life buried in video games. Shut up. Don't make - Agh! Ogh! (BOYS GRUNT) Here, buddy. Stop it. Stop it. Hey, Billy? What's going on? (SIGHS) Nothing. Hmm. No wet willies to dish out? Maybe you could switch over to the purple nurple. No, I already gave one to Mayhoffer. It's just... I don't like sleepovers. That's all. And why is that? Come on, Billy, you can always trust a fat guy. I won't tell anybody. Cross my heart, hope to diet. (SIGHS) I sometimes wet the bed. What? I sometimes wet the bed. Oh. You know what? I had the same problem till I was darn near ten. Really? What did you do at sleepovers? An excellent question, my young friend. I think you'll be intrigued by the answer. Get that equipment off the ground. This is dumb. Why we gotta walk so far? Far? Halt. Now you listen up, hippie-hair. How are you gonna compete against Camp Canola tomorrow morning with that kind of attitude? We have 12 events staring at us dead in the eye. We have got to toughen up. When I was your age, I used to march six miles into the woods just to spend the night alone in a tree. Focus on a goal. Nu-uh. Uh-huh. I used to put rocks in my backpack just to get stronger. That's how you grow up to be a man. Ain't that right, Ben? All right. Let's head out. Forward, march. Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hey, Ben. What are you doing there, son? Nothing. 4 (MOANING) Oh, I'm so full. (BURPS) (LAUGHING) I'm fuller than you. (BURPS) (LAUGHING) No-one's as full as me. (BURPS) (LAUGHING) But now I've got room for dessert. Who wants S'mores? (KIDS CHEER) Anything I can help you with? Can't find the chocolate or the marshmallows. What are you talking about? They're in my bag. Ah, ha-ha! Oh, who wants chocolate? (KIDS GROAN) What are we gonna roast? # I met a woman named Juanita # Who eats mosquitoes # Down upon the Lusa highway late last night # I took her dancing in the stars # Her hair was shining # Nice job, Hinton. Your dad is such a schwing. I gotta roast something with a pit in it. Shut up. I don't like it any more than you do. It's not my fault. Dude, trust me. A star-filled sky, the warm glow of a fire. She'll be like Silly Putty in your hands. (SIGHS) What makes you such an expert? Look, you know how grownups are always saying they wish they knew then what they know now? Yeah. Well, I know. How are we ever gonna beat Canola with runts like you on our team? Yeah. What you gonna do, tiny? Bang your pan until they surrender? (KIDS LAUGH) I think I burned my banana. # Hey, Juanita # Who eats mosquitoes # Laughs like a hyena # Hello. Hey. How are you doing this fine evening? Pretty good. Never roasted a pear before, but it smells good. Yes, smells are good and you, too, smell, Juliette. I mean, things smell... I mean, good, you smell. Ugh. Oh. Um, sorry, it must have been from the hike, because - No, no. I mean... (SIGHS) It's a nice night. Yeah. Starry skies, a warm fire. Good food. (GRUNTS) Agh! Agh! # Hey, Juanita (SQUEALS) Idiot. # Laughs like a hyena # And I call her mine # (SIGHS) Great place you got there. What's the mortgage like? What are you doing? Sleeping in a hollowed-out log or something? It's called camping, private. You should try it. Yes, right. Jack, I think that banana is about as cooked as it's gonna get there. It's so slimy. No, it's roasting. It's supposed to bring out the flavour. Try it. You'll like it, I promise. Mmm. Good, right? (STOMACH NOISES) Oh. Uh-oh! No! (VOMITS) Ogh! (KIDS GROAN) Ogh! (KIDS GROAN) Gross. Nasty. You feel better? Ogh! Agh! Ogh! (COUGHS) No. Ogh. Ugh! Ogh! Ugh! Agh! Sure you're gonna need that, son? Good Lord's filling the sky with a million nightlights. Just for you. Don't know why you got your panties in a wad tonight, Mayhoffer. We're all getting butt spackled tomorrow anyways. What are you talking about? You don't seriously think we can beat those rich Canola kids? Yeah, they're gonna cream us. Cream? Cream is for coffee. OK. Listen up, troops. It's come to my attention some of you don't believe we can win. OK. Maybe they have fancy equipment, gold-plated toilet paper. (KIDS LAUGH) But we got something those snotty-nosed, silver-spoon brats will never have. Do you wanna know what that is? Lice? Driftwood spirit. I didn't think you guys had it but the way you pulled yourselves together today made me prouder than any platoon I've ever led. We couldn't have done it without you. Nonsense. You couldn't have done it without this. Because it's Driftwood Camp spirit that links us all together and makes it all possible. You're not just a bunch of kids that came together in camp. You're a team. Team. (KIDS) Team. Team. Team. You're a team! Team! Team! Team! (ALL) Team! Team! Team! And listen, team. Tomorrow, you're gonna take those lobster-eating... Yeah! ..those Humvee-driving... Yeah! Canola cretins and you're gonna throw them in the dumper. Yeah! (KIDS CHEER) You don't think you're setting them up for a pretty big letdown? Well, in order to win the battle, one must first believe in the success of the mission. It's been a long time since you've been in battle. A minor technicality. Ah. Hey, have you guys seen Ben? I can't find him. Ben? Ben? Ben! Ben? Ben! Ben? Ben! Are you in there? (ALL CALLING) Ben, where are you? Ben! Come out! Where are you? Guys, I found him. Ben! Ben, get down from there! What are you doing? Get down. Where you been, man? We've been looking all over for you. Listen, don't ever scare me like that again, you hear me? I'm OK. I just wanted to be like Grandpa, that's all. So you wandered off by yourself? You know how dangerous that is? Grandpa said it's what made him tough so I thought it'd do the same for me. What? (SIGHS) All right, guys, listen up. Listen to me. Let me tell you something about being tough, OK? Being tough doesn't make you a hero. Sometimes tough people grow up to be arrogant, selfish and stubborn. You guys just need to be yourselves. All right? And know that by being yourselves, you'll be winners, no matter what. Even if we choke like you? Especially if you choke like me. Listen. I want you guys to grow up to be kind and caring and accepting of people. Even if they make mistakes. So, Ben, don't try to be so tough, OK? Just try to be your best. That's all that matters. OK. OK? OK. OK, my little Olympians, time to rest up for the big day. (KIDS GROAN) Come on. Come on. Calling Buck, man, what was I thinking? It's the only way he knows, Charlie. If that means him jeopardising any more kids, he can keep it. I don't want Ben to grow up to be anything like my father. Let's go. (BUGS BUZZ) Ogh! Shoot. (FARTS) (BUZZING STOPS) Ogh! What the heck is...? Oh, you nasty... Oh, ho, ho! Oh, this was a mistake! Ogh! Whoa! Wait for me. (SIGHS) Yes. It worked. I'm dry. See? Told you, Billy. You always fool the bed-wetting goblins if you sleep in your day clothes. Go play with the kids. Ogh! Ogh! Ugh! (KIDS LAUGH) Ugh! Ogh! Ugh! Agh! Agh! Oh, my neck. I'm so cold. Feel like a human pincushion! Relax, Charlie. Oh, thank you. Look around. (KIDS CHATTER) Oh. Would you look at that? They're all running around, having a good time. Oh. Buck's gonna go on and on about how he was right and I'm way too overprotective. I don't think Buck's gonna be going on and on about anything. I haven't seen him all morning. Huh. (REGAL MUSIC) Sign up for camp, please? Driftwood? Hey, do you wanna sign up...? No? (LAUGHS) Well, as you can tell, we've obviously destroyed their camp over the last couple years. I'm thinking, once we kick Driftwood's butt one more time, this is where the new hardware goes. What do you say? It's gonna be great. Oh! Hey, Chuck E Cheese! Getting a little nervous? Let me give you the 411 on the day's events. OK. The Olympiad starts. Your team sucks. You lose. The end. (LAUGHS) Good luck, Lance. (SCOFFS) I don't need luck. (CHEERING) OK, I'll take it from here. (CHEERING) Ugh! (GASPS) Forfeit! I forfeit! Have you seen Grandpa Buck? Yeah. Colonel Buck's been gone a long time. Guys, I'm sure he'll be here. OK, so just reach to the left. Stretch. No news yet on Buck. I have Margaret driving all over town. But I did find this in your office. Oh. "Charlie, Uncle Sam called about another job which is just as well, seeing as things aren't working out here." "Your tough Colonel Buck." I'll keep looking. OK. Is that from Grandpa? Yes. Yes, it is. He's not coming back? Well, no. He's the one that showed us how to do everything. Yeah! We're gonna get whupped. I don't get whupped. I do the whupping. We're doomed. Doomed, I tell you! Wait, wait, wait a minute. Just because Buck got called away to serve his country in the night doesn't mean we take everything he taught us and let it go to waste. He deserted us. Without so much as a see ya. No, no, no. He didn't. No, it's here in the letter. Listen. Listen. "Dear Ben, Max, Juliette, Robert, Carl, Jack, Becca, Billy, and Mullet." "Sorry to leave in the night without even saying, "See ya," but it's important that you don't panic." "The 103rd Airborne is staging manoeuvres tonight and let's just say they could learn about teamwork from you guys." The 103rd was retired after World War II. Tell you what. They're bringing it back. We can't do this without Buck. Yeah. Yeah. Sure we can. You know what? He would have wanted it that way. You know why? Because we're a family. We'll pull each other up because that's what families do. If family's so important, why'd Grandpa Buck leave? Yeah. Yeah. (KIDS MUMBLE) Going that well, huh? Best day of my life. Well, Ben seems upset about Buck leaving. Yeah. You know why grandkids and grandparents get along so well? They're united by a common enemy. Ah. Makes sense. Maybe if you and Buck could unite around each other's strengths, Ben could have the best of both worlds. Go get 'em, coach. For all of us. OK. OK. Good news. Found this in Buck's cabin. Don't worry. I'll watch after the kids. You go make things right. Thanks. (BELL DINGS) (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS) You missed your train. I missed a train. Haven't really decided which one I'm getting on yet. I thought you had to be back for manoeuvres. That's true, but next year. That's about as often as they let a broke-down retiree come out and play with the reservists. Oh. Retiree. Yeah. About the only action I get these days is when college students are doing research papers on military history. So, um, you abandoned your post this morning. Good soldier knows when he's in hostile territory. You heard me last night, didn't you? I guess I've had a few things on my mind over the last 30 years or so. I didn't even know you felt that way. Strange, getting older. Easier remembering things the way you wish they were. I want you to know I'm proud of the man you've become. The way you make adjustments in the field like opening a day care centre when you lost your job. Me, I wouldn't be able to do that. I've always needed more structure. (SIGHS) I'm far from perfect, believe me. Far from it. I know one thing, though. Those kids are gonna be crushed unless your leathery old butt comes back. (CHEERING) (ROCK MUSIC) (SNIFFS) Do you smell gasoline? # I'm a soldier on a battlefield # Got an army on the battlefield (WHISTLE BLOWS) # Outnumbered like the Alamo # I don't even wanna go # This is war # Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is war # This is war # Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is war # Always stuck in a daydream # Now I'm ready for a fight # This is war # Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is war # This is war # Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is war # Minor setback, people. We'll get them in the next event. Wrestling? Have you seen Max wrestle? He's right. I suck. Yeah. And that Canola guy's hairier than my grandmother's mole. We're stewed. Can't we just go home? This is embarrassing. No-one's going anywhere until we win this thing. Grandpa Buck. (KIDS CHEER) OK. Hands in, soldiers. # Ooga, ooga, skidiliay (ALL) # It's another beautiful woodchuck day # I knew you'd come back, Grandpa. We couldn't do this without you. That's where you're wrong. Your dad is the hero. My dad? Don't you realise he did all this just for you? You're pretty lucky to have Charlie Hinton as a father. He's a better soldier than I'll ever be. I could never run a camp like he can or watch over you and your mom like he does. He may be a little overprotective but it's only because he loves you so much. Hmm? (GIGGLES) Huh? Colonel, we've got a problem. Yeah, dude. What's the situation on the ground, soldiers? My calculations suggest they've cheated in nearly every event. Cheaters, huh? Well, the only way to beat cheaters is by outsmarting them. I've got an idea. OK, OK, OK. Listen up. Listen up. First, we're gonna need the skunk. Here we go. Come on. Good D, thataway. Thataboy. There we go. Ref, come on, man. I'm growing old. (PEOPLE GRUMBLE) Look, here he comes! (CHEERING) (CHEERING) (WHISTLE BLOWS) (SNIFFS) Ugh! (WHISTLE BLOWS) (CHEERING) # Sometimes - Michael Franti and Spearhead No! No! # And I say # Sometimes # I feel like I can do anything # Sometimes # I'm so... so alive # Sometimes # I feel like I can swim across the sky Ref, Substitution. # Sometimes # I wanna cry # Most people try to aim to please # But a lot of them are kinda weak in the knees # Learning late about the birds and the bees # Falling in love and wanna be set free # Playing ball at the age of 13 # Everybody's growing up with a dream # I never noticed what could happen to me # Time flies when you're walking the streets # One minute got you holding an ace # The next minute, got ya fall on your face # A mean city is a nasty place # Only a rat can win a rat race # Peace to the people who be falling away # To make it home today # And peace to people who be trying to find # Some kind of life # Sometimes # I feel like I can do anything # Sometimes # I'm so alive, so alive # Sometimes # I feel like I can swim across the sky, yeah # Sometimes # I wanna cry # Oh, oh, oh, oh # You know, never stop # Oh, yeah # Love will never stop, yeah (CHEERING) # Love will never stop, yeah # Oh, yeah # Love will always shine # Oh, yeah, sound body and sound of mind # Sound of the rhythm and sound of the rhyme # Somebody marching out all the time # Biggest mistakes are the humanest kind # Judge not, lest you be judged # The court room or the billy club # Blood bubbling thicker than mud # Yo, the heart beat rub-a-dub-dub # Show love and love who you know # Family wherever you go # Tokyo to Acapulco # (CHEERING) Good job, Robert. Good job. Yeah, thataway, purple. There we go, yeah. Whoo! (PEOPLE GASP) Oh, that's too bad, Driftwood. That's tough luck. Good hands, though, kid. Good hands. We've got a sharpshooter. We gotta do something. Give me a balloon. Billy? The water pump's over there. No, I'm not filling it with water. I've been holding this in all night. (LAUGHS) You shouldn't pick on kids smaller than you. (CHEERING) Yeah. Good catch. Good catch. It's pee! It's pee! It's pee! It's pee! Mom, it's pee! (CHEERING) Yes! (CHEERING) We're the tiebreaker. We're gonna get the tiebreaker. # Ooga, ooga, skidiliay (ALL) # It's another beautiful woodchuck day # (CHEERING) Whoo! Suck it up. Let's go. Jeez, embarrassing. OK, let's go get them. Remember what we talked about. We need this one. We need this one. That look familiar, Charlie? Huh? You lose this, it's deja vu all over again. Yeah, well, I got my best athlete here, waiting to change history. Let's go, buddy, come on. Ow. Agh! Oh, you OK? I twisted my ankle when I fell. I could shoot the arrow fine, but... But can you climb? I don't know. I don't think so. You can forfeit, Charlie, if you like. No, no, that's OK. Who's our best climber? Uh-oh. I can do it, Dad. OK. All right. Come on, son. (LAUGHS) You're gonna race that kid. That's gonna be tough, huh? Yeah, real tough. Like father, like son, huh? Don't listen to him. Come on. All right. Come on, let's go. All right. Go get him. OK, Ben, listen to me. Whatever you do, don't drop the baton, OK? All right. Ben. Just enjoy it. Hmm? OK, here it comes. All right, focus. Here we go. Come on, Ben. (CHEERING) Whoo! Go get him. Go Ben! Go Ben! Come on. Get up there. Come on, Ben. Get them little legs going. Come on, Ben. (CHEERING) Go, Ben. Come on, Ben. Agh! (PEOPLE GASP) Ogh. (GASPS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) OK. It's OK, son. I told you. You're a loser like your old man. You're not a loser, Ben. He greased the wall. He's cheating. (PEOPLE GASP) No, don't listen to her. She's a compulsive liar. And she steals. You cheated. You're a cheater. You're a cheater. Canola cheats. He's cheating. He's a cheater. He's a cheater. Canola cheats. He's a cheater! He's a... Ben, no, no. Get down from there. That's dangerous, Ben. Ben. Wait, wait. Please, please, Ben. Ben, get down from there. No, that's dangerous. Ben, that's dangerous. Pounce, Bobby J. Here we go. Up that wall. (BRANCH BREAKS) (PEOPLE GASP) Bobby J, go, go, go. Go! (GRUNTS) (ALARM BLARES) (CHEERING) Yeah! That's my baby. That is my baby. That's my baby. Yeah! Whoa. Hey, what...? Hey. All right, Bobby J, come here. Come here, buddy. I did it, Daddy. I know it, buddy. I love you, Dad. I love you too, son. I love you too, you crazy kid. You call that Canola? That was embarrassing. What are you, a moron? Moron? You're the moron. Ow! (YELLS) Wall coming down. That's for telling everyone you're not my dad. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Let's go tell my mom. She's here to pick me up. You were really great in the egg relay. What'd I tell you? Chicks love gold medallists. Teach me everything you know. Well, first you got a bird and then you got a bee. (SOBS) Why?! Why?! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) OK. Mr Hinton? Hi. All the parents have been talking and we think Camp Canola may not set the best example for our children. And so, if it's not too short of notice, we all would like our kids to come to your camp as soon as possible. Too short notice? Don't be silly. There's room enough for everyone. Yeah, Dale and I can sign all you guys up. Welcome. (ALL TALK AT ONCE) It was really my son who did all this. Colonel? Job well done. Just call me Dad. Hey! Hey! Hey, what do you say we go get the trophy? Yeah! OK. # I Want You Back - Jackson 5 # Oh, oh, oh # Oh, oh # Let me tell you now # Ooh, hoo # When I had you to myself # I didn't want you around # Those pretty faces always made you # Stand out in a crowd # But someone picked you from the bunch # One glance was all it took # Now it's much too late for me # To take a second look # Oh, baby, give me one more chance # Won't you please let me # Back in your heart # Oh, darling, I was blind to let you go # But now since I see you in his arms # Yes, I do now # Ooh, ooh, baby # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah # Nah, nah, nah, nah # Trying to live without your love # Is one long sleepless night # Let me show you, girl # That I know wrong from right # Every street you walk on # I leave tearstains on the ground # Following the girl # I didn't even want around # Let me tell you, now # Oh, baby, all I need is one more chance # Won't you please let me # Back in your heart # Oh, darling, I was blind to let you go # But now since I see you in his arms # Ooh, hoo # A buh, buh, buh, buh # All I want # A buh, buh, buh, buh # All I need # A buh, buh, buh, buh # All I want # A buh, buh, buh, buh # All I need # Baby # Baby, baby # Oh, baby, I was blind to let you go # But now since I see you # In his arms # Oh, baby, I just need one more chance # I tell ya that I love ya # Oh, oh, oh # IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2017