'NZ STORY' THEME Captions by Ashlee Scholefield. Edited by June Yeow. www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright TVNZ Access Services 2013 q Kia ora, I'm Shavaughn Ruakere, and I have a friend ` a very very dear friend called Helena McAlpine. So, what can I tell you about Helena? OK, one thing ` this woman has always lived her life in the fast lane ` I mean the very fast lane. And when she was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer, well, you know what, it hasn't slowed her down one little bit. She is relentlessly upbeat and just really determined to face this` this illness with courage and just the most amazing positivity. This is my friend Helena. Oh God, this is hot. Whoa, whoa! (LAUGHS) 'I feel alive. 'And I'm going to live for as long as I possibly can. 'I know that, scientifically, there is no way of curing me, 'but I am not going to stop living in order to hurry up and die.' I was in the shower getting ready one morning and brushed my hand over my breast, and it's the strangest thing ` you think, 'That's not part of me. Where did that come from?' And I looked down, and you could see this lump. It's physically sticking out from my skin by a good half an inch, and it was huge. And I had a feel ` and the first thing you think is 'cancer' ` but this thing was so comically large. And I was... 31. And you think, 'Nah. Too young, too big ` it's a cyst.' It's quite huge. It's a huge lump. So, yeah, it was cancer. And there are two massive lumps, and there was one further inside my breast. I didn't even notice. How bad was that? Love you lots. Love you lots. I love you. I got taken in to have my left breast removed ` completely removed, nipple and all. And the second night of being in hospital, I snuck out through a window. I put pillows in the bed, and I unhooked myself from the drip, I climbed out the window, and we drove over to the North Shore, and we let off fireworks, and then I went back again. (LAUGHS) And then, um, in the December, I started chemotherapy. I thought I would feel very sick and very tired, and that certainly happened, but everybody bought cakes, and we'd have tea, and we would sit around and tell each other stories, and I actually really enjoyed it. And then we started, um, radiotherapy, and I found that very difficult. It was 15 weeks of every single day of going there and thinking about what was happening to me. I just couldn't wait for it to be over. The moment that my therapy stopped, I just went kinda crazy and just really lived life hard, and, you know, I had a great time. It was brilliant. There was plenty of us that were sort of aware that she wasn't doing all that she could, but she is so good at going, 'Oh yeah, I've done this, and I've done that', and she hadn't. And I think that she was just in denial and just wanted her life back, and that was something that she'd dealt with and pushed aside. I didn't go to a lot of my, um, doctor's appointments, and I didn't take the medication I was supposed to have taken. And I guess I'm sort of paying for that now. Although, my doctors will tell you, um, it was just a really good chance that I was gonna have more cancer. Um, I think we all know that I'm to blame for, um, not looking after myself properly. Yeah. I spent Christmas and New Year's of, um, 2011-2012 with my parents in London, and it was wonderful. And I can remember on Boxing Day having a bit of a scratch, finding another lump, this time in my right breast, and I was, like, 'Oh, are you kidding me?' But I didn't say anything to my mum and dad. I waited until I got back to NZ. So I came back, had some more tests done ` yes, it's breast cancer again. And I was, like, 'Oh, all right, well, we know how this plays out, 'so let's just get this over and done with.' We had a few more tests done, and I got called back to the doctor's office, and he said, 'I'm so sorry. It's in your liver as well.' And I said, 'Well, how difficult's that? Get me a new liver or cut a bit of this one out.' You know, 'Give me some more medicine. It'll be fine.' And he explained to me that that's not how it works. Secondary breast cancer in the liver is incurable, which means that it's terminal, which means that I will eventually die because of that cancer. And, needless to say, I was pretty shocked. Um, I have always thought that I was invincible. But, um, this time round, I wasn't. But there is an awful lot that they can do. They took out my ovaries to stop the hormones from being produced that feed the cancer. They said, 'Oh, well, this basically gives you one to three years.' The wor` (STUTTERS) I feel bad for Shannon. I feel bad for Shannon. Um, no regrets for myself, but I do feel bad that Shannon's going to be without a mother. And knowing that I'm going to be leaving my daughter too early,... yeah, that sucks. I wanna have a statue made of myself, like... (SINGS ANGELIC NOTE) Why not? What, naked or clothed? What, naked or clothed? Does it matter? ALL LAUGH 'I have a bucket list. 'Um, it's a list that you create of amazing things that you want to achieve before you die.' So, one weekend I was supposed to swim with sharks, but I filmed a part on Shortland Street. I was Ambulance Officer Number One. This is Kirsten ` riding pillion. GCS 14. Right compound fracture tib/fib. Right wrist injury. Heart rate's 96. Cubicle two. One of the things I first saw was, 'I need to eat lots of pickled onions.' So I went to the shop, and I bought her a big jar of pickled onions. I thought, 'That's one thing ticked off.' I don't know how much time she's got left, but she will be able to cram 99.9% of it in. And, the way she does things, she will do it. She makes people do it and make it happen, so it's all good. Just warming you up on a little one. She's been really brave, in the way that no one knows how they'd cope with it unless they were faced with it themselves. But for her to scrawl a great big bucket list and stick it on the fridge and go, 'This is what I wanna do. And I wanna do this and do that.' And she's actively getting out there and doing it. I feel like Keisha Castle-Hughes, um, but, instead of the whale, it's a shark. She is wringing absolutely everything out of her life. Give him a little guide out. Give him a little guide out. (LAUGHS) That felt amazing. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) That's the best bit. Wow. I'm from London ` northwest London. I was born and raised in Kilburn and then Wembley. A month before my 22nd birthday, I had Shannon. About two months into her being alive, her dad decided that it was just all a bit too much and sort of up and left. Um, and I went to work at British Telecom, where I met Brett McAlpine, this amazing little Kiwi man with the most beautiful green eyes. And we, um` we fell in love and got married about a year later. And then, yeah, shifted over to NZ, and you couldn't get me out of this country for love nor money now. Very lucky to have found him. Hiya. (COUGHS) Hello, darling. > I think there's a, um, hairbrush in the bedroom. Go and use it, please. 'Brett and I didn't last, and when we, um, broke up and I moved into town, um, 'it was a sort of organic decision to have Shannon stay with Brett ` live with Brett. 'She loves Brett, and he's a good parent ` so much better than I could ever, ever actually be.' I do love my child, but, um, I'm just not a very maternal person, I suppose. Um, and as it's turned out, best decision that we ever made. Let's talk about your hair. Oh, go away. Why? Let's talk about your hair. I thought she did an OK job. I thought she did an OK job. Yeah, so did I. I thought she did an OK job. Yeah, so did I. It's a bit red. When I was growing up in England, I would have loved to have been encouraged to do more acting or, you know, more of the arts, but my parents were always very much, 'Hey, nose down, arse up, get a 9-5.' FUNKY MUSIC 'So when I moved to NZ and accidentally tripped and fell into radio and then television, 'I suppose I was just really lucky.' Now, I've found a group of Portaloos, but there is a bit of a queue. 'One day I got a phone call asking if I would try out for C4, 'and for some reason they asked me to be on Special Features ` they gave me me own television show!' This is a technique I like to call the dance and glide. 'I did that for a year, and it was amazing, so, yeah.' More than I could ever have hoped for. And she's actually on her third album as well. Now... Ow. (LAUGHS) I got made redundant from C4 in January of 2009, which was poo. That was really crap. But then, um, my boyfriend of the time decided that, um... And he left. And I lost a lot of money in a pretty bad investment, so that sucked. And then my dog got hit by a car, and we had to put her down. And that was the straw that broke the camel's back, aside from always having, um, a few mental-health issues ` you know, I've been diagnosed with, um, bipolar, uh, manic depression, and, um, ADHD. That year really tested me ` pushed a few buttons. And I didn't leave the house for three months. There was a suicide attempt, and there were plenty of times when I had drunk myself into such a state that, um, yeah, I could've ended up very very dead. When I came out of that, it was like being filled up with life again. And I can remember coming out of it. It's like the light at the end of the tunnel, and it was like being reborn. It was utterly amazing. And I can remember being held by a darling friend of mine and just crying because I was so grateful for being alive. And it wasn't very long after that that we found out about cancer. And I thought, 'Really? Really?!' Um, but, you know, the cancer was tangible. It was a lump. You could physically feel it. Depression and being that unhappy ` you can't physically touch it and cut it out or get rid of it. Um, and I've always thought if I could get through that depression, I could do anything. Good boy. Come on. 'The whole, um, McAlpine theory on life... (LAUGHS) ` 'it really did stem from that, um, moment of, um, pretty bad depression ` always be grateful. Be grateful for what you have, what you have had and what you're going to have. And, um, choose the path of least resistance ` choose to be happy. Even now, being told that I'm, um, terminally sick ` apparently ` um, we know that to be the truth, but I really don't think of my life as being a sack of sadness. You have this preconception of what a cancer sufferer goes through, because you've either seen it in someone else or you see it on TV, and it's a frail, sick person who can't be in a room with germs or anything else. And then` And then you've got Helena... (LAUGHS) who you and others have to keep reminding, 'You're sick' ` is terminally sick. And it's really hard, because it's so easy to get caught up in her fun, and she's so full of life. 'And then, you have to step back and go, "Hang on. No. She's got a full stop at the end of her sentence, '"and we're` we're walking towards it."' I just get too excited. She just looks upon life like, 'Oh, throw it at me. I'll take it. I'll just throw it back at you, 'right slap in the face.' And, um, I think what she's doing and how she gets out there and looks upon life, with everything that she's had to deal with, is totally brilliant and amazing. It's the choices that we make, and I choose to take this hand that I've been dealt and make the absolute best of it. POIGNANT MUSIC I do try to absorb Helena's, um, attitude towards the whole thing, but I am so different to her. It's` It's really hard for me, and, yeah. We, um` We do count the days. And last year, when it was her birthday and she was 34, we were talking about it, and it was all going swimmingly until she turned around and said, 'I've made it to my 34th birthday, Mummy.' And I thought, 'Well, that's just` that's just amazing. Are we gonna get to the 35th? Who knows?' And, yeah. It's` It's hard for me ` really hard for me. Uh, my daughter ` she really really wanted to have her hair cut off when I lost my hair. 'I want an undercut like you did. Let's shave all my hair off.' And one day she was bugging me, and I was, like, 'Well, just go and get a pair of scissors right now.' And she came back with the scissors, and I hacked a load off and went, '(GASPS) Oh, I am so sorry. That does not look good.' 'When I was first diagnosed in 2009, the third phone call I made was to the NZ Breast Cancer Foundation.' And I just picked up the phone, and I said, 'I have just been told I've got breast cancer. 'What can you do to help me, and what on earth can I do to help you?' Before I die, I want to get a message out to every woman in the country, reminding them that they are precious and irreplaceable and making sure they have the information they need to stay healthy. I'm sick and tired of hearing that seven Kiwi women every day are diagnosed with breast cancer; that over 600 women a year die from this disease; and an alarming amount of them are young like me. This is not our mothers' disease; it's not our grandmothers' disease. I was 31. I thought I was young, and yet I had met women in their mid-20s ` their 20s ` dying of breast cancer. Early detection will be the number one way of preventing death from breast cancer ` that's my ultimate goal. Because I'm so passionate about this message, people ask me, 'Well, what did you do? 'You put your head in the sand.' And, yeah, I did. And as a result, I am now qualified to tell you exactly what I've learnt. I'm not saying these things because I've read them in a book or I think that it sounds really, you know, clever. I'm saying it from experience. Learn from my mistakes. Don't be an idiot like I am. Look after yourselves. It's really simple. Make the right choice. So, the end of 2012, and I decided to leave Auckland and move to Gisborne. But before I left, my friends pulled off the surprise party of the century, without me having the slightest idea. I got told that I was going to be in seeing a new product launch for L'Oreal. This has not got stuff all to do with L'Oreal. This has got everything to do with... (SINGS) 'you'. CHEERING, APPLAUSE It's your night, Helena McAlpine! This is a celebration of you! I'm talking 1000 people at Vector Arena, with bands and DJs ` what?! It was mind-blowing; it was so emotionally overwhelming. How humble, how special, can one girl feel? Um, smothered in love. Smothered in love. Um, the McAlpine doesn't cry, but, yes, I did have a good old sob during that particular incident ` thank you, everybody. Thank you. (CHUCKLES) POIGNANT MUSIC Helena's living on and off with my parents in Gisborne now. By removing herself from a place full of temptation like Auckland and going to nice, sleepy old Gisborne ` that's a really good thing for her to do. There's definitely a sense of peace in Gisborne that resonates with what's inside me. Um, I do enjoy spending time by myself. I do enjoy sitting quietly and reading. And I enjoy, um, being closer to nature. Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath. (BREATHES IN) Good work. This is a good colour on you, by the way. This is a good colour on you, by the way. (LAUGHS) Thanks. 'There's no denying that my body is, um, slowly giving up on me.' You know, there's` there's more pain every day. I get very tired. Really, really tired. And this chemo isn't just for my liver ` it's because the cancer spreads. And we're targeting the bones now and the lining of the abdominal cavity ` and hopefully gonna eradicate all of that and give me some more time. I get sad when I think about the fact that, at one point, I'm gonna close my eyes and I'm never gonna open them again. And I do think about what that's gonna feel like and what is` what is the last thing I actually want to see before I close my eyes for that last time. And I know exactly what the image is going to be ` it will be my daughter standing in front of a tree. That's... I want to die outside, and I want that to be the last thing I see. Um, but I'm not scared. I'm not scared. POIGNANT MUSIC When you get told she's got one, two, three years, my way of dealing with it is I just block it out. I'm, like, 'No, no. It's` It's` It's not gonna happen. My sister's gonna stay with me.' When she said to me, 'Oh, come move out here, come move out here', and I was, like, 'But you're just not gonna be here.' I- I- I'm struggling to put into words how I'm gonna feel when` when she's not around, because I'm refusing to, I guess, let myself live` live, um, in that world at the moment. It... (EXHALES) Yeah, see? Look what it's doing to me. And I... You know, she'd hate that. She wouldn't want that. She hates seeing us upset. Um, and so why upset her? Why not just go skateboarding? Race! I don't want to be remembered as the girl with cancer. I want to be remembered as being a mum to a great kid. Oh my God. I want to be remembered as being a good friend, as being a loving, caring daughter. And hopefully, you know, a great sister and, um,... I want to be remembered for all of those things. It's constantly, um, on my shoulder ` being alive; probably dying soon. Um, and I don't think of it... I don't think of it as anything other than the inevitable. But it doesn't have to be just yet, you know. Um, and I'm much more interested in the 'what can we do right now? 'Let's go and blow something up. Let's go swim with some sharks. 'Let's go jump out of a plane. See if we bounce.' Um,... it doesn't... Yeah. I` I` I dunno. You just breathe every day and get on with it. PEACEFUL MUSIC Can you grab Tiana, darling? Can you grab Tiana, darling? Come on! No, I can't grab Tiana. We're doing far too much together now, I have to say. From my point of view, I think this togetherness is a bit excessive. (LAUGHS)