1 (Cheap Trick's 'Surrender') www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2017 # Mother told me, # yes, she told me # I'd meet girls like you. # She also told me, 'Stay away. # 'You'll never know what you'll catch.' # Just the other day I heard... Cooper, it's open! - It's open? - Come on! It's supposed to be awesome. Thank you. Hey, give me back my quarters, you hoser! Mom! # Daddy's all right. # They just seem a little weird. # Surrender. # Surrender. # But don't give yourself away. # Hey. # He-e-e-ey. # Whatever happened to all this season's losers of the year? # Every time I got to thinking, # where'd they disappear? # Then I woke up, # Mom and Dad # are rolling on the couch. Damn! What?! I suck. # Mommy's all right. # Daddy's all right. # They just seem a little weird. Wow, Sam. How are you so good at this? You've never even played it before. SAM: I don't know. There's a pattern to how they're moving. Watch. I don't see it, but you sure as hell do. # Away. # Away. # Mommy's all right. # Daddy's all right. # But don't give yourself away. # Surrender. # Surrender. # But don't give yourself away. Use... the Force. Use... the Force. (cheering) Hey, Chewie. You're a superstar, dude. And it's time to show the world. # But don't give yourself away. # Surrender # Surrender # But don't give yourself away. # ANNOUNCER: Attention, all contestants. The competition will start in 15 minutes. You, too? That's so funny. Really? I think you're pretty darn foxy, yourself. Lady Lisa, I'll love you till the end of time. - Who are you talking to? - Nobody! - (whispers): We'll talk later. - You're Ludlow Lamonsoff, the Wonder Kid, right? Who told you that?! The government? Cos I'm this close to figuring out the secret of the Bermuda Triangle. Wow. You don't have any friends, do you? Just my grandma. Yoo-hoo. Well, Wonder Kid, you can hang out with us. Really? (excited chatter) What's up, geeks and goobers? They call me the Fire Blaster! Cos my hands are blazing fast, and also, I will blast and burn all my competitors' weak-ass moves. You must be the local talent. If this was a fugly contest, I'd be in trouble. At least we didn't make up our own nicknames, Fire Blaster. Who cares who came up with it? It's totally tubular. Welcome, gamers, to the first annual Worldwide Video Arcade Championships! (crowd cheering) Tonight, we have representatives here from the Guinness Book of World Records, as well as NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, who will be videotaping tonight's competition to be included in a compilation of 1982's news events and popular culture. That videotape will be placed in a space probe which will be launched by NASA into our solar system, with the hope of connecting to and perhaps providing a message for extra-terrestrial life, should it exist. Oh, it exists. Ladies and gentlemen, start your gaming! (video games beeping) EMCEE: All right, ladies and gentlemen, what an evening we have had here. Six new U.S. records set. - Three new world records set. - Oh, yeah. And, as the smoke clears, right now we have a tie. - 259 points - Yeah! for your new Pac-Man world champion, the Fire Blaster, Eddie Plant! - (cheering) - WOMAN: Go, Fire Blaster! And 259 points for your new Galaga/Centipede world champion, rookie sensation Sam Brenner! - (cheering) - Yeah, Sam! Well, gentlemen, how about we break this tie? Let's play Donkey Kong! (cheering) Good luck, man. Thanks. You have the patterns down pretty good with these games. You're gonna be tough to beat. (video game blips) (Queen's 'We Will Rock You') # Buddy, you're a boy, make a big noise. # Playing in the street, gonna be a big man someday. # You got mud on your face, you big disgrace. # Kicking your can all over the place. # We will, # we will # rock you. # We will, # we will # rock you. You see, the thing about Donkey Kong is, at the high levels, the barrels become more random, possessed almost, and playing by the patterns doesn't do the trick any more. Does it, Brenner? # We will, # we will # rock you. ('game over' music plays) Congratulations. On coming in second! (crowd cheering) Fire Blaster is the world champ! The local yokel looked destiny in the eye and blinked. He's a loser, and he will always be a loser! Sam. Sam, Sam, wait. Sam, listen, you're still gonna go to MIT and invent something that makes you a millionaire, and maybe even marry Olivia Newton-John. I was actually thinking Samantha Fox. Nice, but she's no Sheena Easton. Well... there's always Madonna. How about Scarlett Johansson? So hot. Mm. Not Halle Berry hot, but so, so hot. And don't forget Katy Perry. What are we doing right now? We're too old ` it's just gross already. Plus, you're married to a woman who hates you. She doesn't hate me, she just doesn't get it, you know? We don't have the free time to do stuff together like we did ten years ago. This job is killing me, man. If I were you... maybe a half hour a day, turn off the cell phone, shut down the emails, put away the Reggie! bars, and focus on your wife. NEWSWOMAN: The president's gaffe-filled summer continued today during an appearance... Hold on a second. I got to see this. ...at Joseph Knibb Elementary School to promote his new youth reading initiative. Here's what happened. READS: Mittens jumped up on to the table and knocked over the whole bowl of soup. 'Mrs Pickles gassed!' Ga-Gasped. (whispers): She gasped. 'And the whole room fell silent. 'This was casta... 'This was cast...' (clearing throat) 'cata-tastrophic. 'Catastrophic.' I got it, sweetheart, OK? Why'd you yell at me? - You're mean! - Leave her alone! GIRL: The president can't read. (girls laughing) (laughing) You got to learn how to read, buddy. It's as simple as that. (agents snickering) I was on three hours' sleep, all right? WOMAN: Your economics are hurting poor people! - (crowd booing) - Nice to see ya. MAN: You've got the blood of innocent children on your hands! - Thank you for your support. - (booing continues) That's a lovely dress. You're ruining the country! Yeah, we're all in this together now. You got a rough life, bud. - Sir. - Thank you. - OK. But at least you have a life. Look, Brenner, you're meant for something more than this. You just need to channel your genius into something productive. I mean, you were incredible at video games back in the day, but that's a useless skill now. It's like being a great blacksmith. Ooh. That hurt, man. That's 'cata-tastrophic' that you said that. I'm gonna get you back for that. (loudly): Mr President, if you take away all the libraries, sir, - how will the children ever learn to read?! - (crowd shouting angrily) Blacksmith, over and out. (mechanical whirring, clicking) (quiet whooshing) (loud whooshing) (doorbell rings) Hello. I am a nerd from the Nerd Brigade, here to nerd out on all your audio and visual needs. Do you have to say that every time you show up at a house? If I want to get paid, yes. Isn't that kind of demeaning? Only if someone brings it up. OK, I won't bring it up, then. Thanks. Come on in. So, what am I installing? Uh, a new 85-inch 4K 3-D TV, PlayStation 4, 7.1 surround sound speakers. - Mm. - Really, if you guys sell it, we've probably bought it. Huh. Is it your birthday? No. My parents are getting a divorce. Oh, so it's like 10 birthdays. Yeah. My dad cheated on my mom with his 19-year-old Pilates instructor. Her name's Sinnamon with an 'S,' which really tells you all you need to know about her. No, I could hear a little more. You got any pictures? I'm kidding. I'm sorry to hear that. My mom kind of hates him right now, and she says she's gonna invent a slut-seeking missile to take out Sinnamon. WOMAN: OK, Matty, you don't need to tell the nice installer man our whole life. Whoa. I'm sorry, 'whoa'? - What? - No, just you. Whoa. Me? Whoa? I don't even know what that means. I mean, it's just, when your son told me that your husband left you for a 19-year-old, I guess I... thought you were gonna be, like, one of those 'hot when we first met in high school 'but then let herself go and got a potbelly and turkey neck with a... 'hairy... chin,' but, clearly, that's not the case, so more like, 'Whoa, I should have brushed my teeth 'before I left the house this morning.' Or studio apartment, if we're getting real here. Did you really not brush your teeth this morning? No, I did. I guess I sh... should just start setting this stuff up right now. Go get 'em. (laughs) Colonel Devereux. You need to see this, sir. We're under attack. (soldiers shouting) What the hell are those things? So, you a gamer? Uh... yeah. I played when I was your age. Were you any good? I was pretty good at some of the classic games. Classics ` you mean like Halo and Call of Duty. No, the real classics ` Defender, Pac-Man, Asteroids. Games you played in an arcade. Which was a building outside of your house. You would go there with your friends, listen to music, cute girls everywhere. In ancient times, they called it socialising. What are you guys talking about? - Video games. - Video games. - (chuckles) - (phone vibrates) I'll be right back. - (knocks) - BRENNER: Mrs Van Patten, all finished up down there. I need you to sign the work order. VIOLET: OK. Mrs Van Patten, are you in the closet? Yes. Not judging, but what are you doing in the closet? I'm mostly crying. A little drinking. Probably equally crying and drinking. Something I do often also. But why in the closet? Because I don't want Matty to see me. (sobbing loudly) I'm coming in the closet, Mrs Van Patten. - (sobbing continues) - I'm opening the door. Are you all right? I'm sobbing on the floor of my closet, drinking Chardonnay out of a sippy cup, so I guess not! Sorry. I withdraw the question. (sobs) (sobbing): Oh, God. - Want to talk about it? - No. (sobbing): Yes. Yes. Oh, God. Sir, we are in the midst of an aerial attack by an unidentified force! Activate the QRF! (electrical crackling) (faint beeping) (low crackling) (electronic trilling) (whooshing) (screaming) Mama, no! (garbled screaming) We were high school sweethearts. The perfect couple. Do you know that he proposed in a waterfall? - (grunts) - I mean, a freaking waterfall. - Smooth. But now, according to a text I got 20 minutes ago, he's marrying a 19-year-old named after a spice. - It's not even spelled correctly. - (grunts) It's just not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. Oh God, I hear that. I was supposed to have a baby with my ex-wife, and the doctor who was helping us make the baby did help us make the baby, but unfortunately, I wasn't in the room. (plays 'Shave and a Haircut' on bottle) Maybe this really is all for the best. How do you mean? You already married the wrong guy ` you got the worst part over with. True. And you married the wrong girl. Maybe it just means we're gonna meet the right person now. - Yeah. - Yeah. Whoa! Are you trying to kiss me? - Absolutely not. - Oh God. Sorry. I thought we were having a moment. We were ` a moment. Look, you seem like a very nice guy, but I just met you. OK? And, no offence, I don't think my rebound guy is a 210-pound person that installs flatscreens for a living. First of all, 208. And, wow, I didn't peg you as the snobby type. Snob? Me? (laughs): OK... I am not a snob. OK, well, let's just say I was a billionaire and we were out on my giant yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean sipping champagne, and I went in to kiss you. Would you have kissed me back then? - (phone vibrating) - Hold that thought, snobby. Big man. COOPER: Can you get to the White House right now? I'll be there in 15. While I'd love to stick around and listen to you lie about not wanting to make out with the yacht guy, I have to go. For the record, I'm an amazing kisser. All us nerds are, cos we appreciate it more. You didn't even brush your teeth this morning. I ate a Tic Tac. (door closes) (tyres screech) Too late, sweetheart. You had your shot and you blew it. I'm not following you! Yeah, whatever you say, stalky. It's over ` deal with it. Whoa, she went from zero to psycho in 3.4 seconds, a new world record. Hey, Steve-o. Yeah. There's a crazy woman following me. I guarantee she's here to shoot the president. And if I were you, I'd break out the billy club and go full throttle on her. Seriously. Go right on through, Lieutenant Colonel. (indistinct chatter) - Why are you following me? - Oh God. - I can't believe they even let you in here. - Right. Colonel Van Patten, you can go right into the Situation Room. Yeah, see, they need me in the Situation Room, so have fun doing whatever you're doing. Mr Brenner, the president is waiting for you in the Oval Office. (high-pitched): Somebody's more important. Freddy, can you keep the riffraff out of here? Yo, wassup? Oh, come on, you couldn't have at least changed? You told me to rush right over. Wh-What's going on, man? Why is it so crazy out there? Our Air Force base in Guam was attacked. - By who? - I'm not sure. That's what I wanted to ask you. Come here. Check this out. - Me? - Yes, you. Come here. Listen to this. - (electronic whirring) - Does that sound familiar to you? Yeah. Where do I know that from? - Can you freeze it? - Yeah. Hold on. Go in tighter. - That can't be real. - OK, so you're seeing the same thing I'm seeing. What kind of mushrooms did that guy put on our burgers? - They're ready for you, Mr President. - Great. Now I got to explain this to the National Security Council. Listen, do me a favour, Sam. Watch that again, OK, and just see if there's anything you can find to help us out. Yeah. Can I sit in your chair? No, you can't. And everything's recorded. OK, I won't. I won't. I won't. I'm sitting in the chair. Give me a break. (urgent chatter) Mr President, we told the press that it was an advanced weapons test that misfired, - so there's no mass panic yet. - Well, good. Then let's solve this thing before there is. Mr President, someone's made a major breakthrough in drone technology, and it wasn't us. - This has got Moscow's fingerprints all over it. - Nonsense! It's an Iranian black-ops sideshow. I guarantee it. I have a theory. I think based on analysis of the footage that... preliminary indications are that we were attacked by... (quietly): Galaga. By who, sir? Galaga. Sons of bitches. Then let's blow Galaga to hell! Who's Galaga? It's an old-timey video game '80s kind of folks like my dad used to play. Mr President, there is no nation on Earth that has the military technology to simply... pixelate entire buildings. - Except Iran. - Forget Iran. I'm thinking this is a cutting-edge, multinational enterprise ` an NGO, a think tank, maybe even a corporation. We're thinking Iran when we should be thinking Google. So, let's blow up Google! (knocking) Can somebody take Grandpa's keys away before he drives us into a ditch? - Who is this person? - The sandwich guy? This here is, uh, my old, uh, arcade game technical... advisor, uh, person guy. He, uh... Sam Brenner ` he works in the tech sector. So Caltech? MIT? MIT. Yes. Mississippi Institute of Technology, though. Not the one you were thinking of. Anyway, more to the current point, uh, Mr Brenner here was the World Galaga Champion ` he knows everything there is to know about this game. So, what is it you and your orange shorts barged in here to say? Oh. Just the, uh, Galaga that attacked us, that doesn't exist any more. Hello. You can download Galaga on your phone for $1.99. Yeah, not this version though, uh, Blue Lagoon. The Galaga that exists now came out in 1986. But this is the 1982 arcade version. And all those machines, they recalled them, they reprogrammed them because there were glitches in the original code ` you can see from the giant space bugs, the way they come swooping in. Kind of ziggy-zaggy. Ziggy-zag? Is that the snobby term? VIOLET: So someone designed these space bugs after an old, out-of-print version of a video game from 30 years ago that nobody would know today? Does she really get to talk twice? She's not even at the grown-ups table. I'm sorry, is this a National Security Council meeting or a dorm-room drug party? Our nation has just been attacked by an unknown military force. If this gets out to the press that we're pinning the blame on some old computer game, they'll not only mock you in the news, Mr President, they'd impeach you! So I suggest the man in the orange shorts leave the room immediately, and those of us with long pants and government positions can discuss our options. All right, Brenner, do me a favour, take off, all right? Appreciate the help. Sorry, everybody. Uh... Mr President. Generals and... admirals. Guys in suits. Uh... Zac Efron. Gandalf and Harry Potter in the same room. Imagine that. Grandpa, we'll see you around the, uh, nursing home. Oh, uh, the sandwich guy is here. Fooled you. RADIO ANNOUNCER: Past the shortstop into left centre field for a single. That's the second straight inning where Washington has led off with a single. ANNOUNCER 2: They're talking about how it's standing straight up over the plate ` that seems to be working out for him cos he just drove that ball into the gap hard. ANNOUNCER: First pitch taken outside for a ball, 1-0. - Brenner. - Aah! (tyres screech) (loud groaning) What's your problem, dude! What's going on! Whoa! Whoa! No! No! Brenner, no! Brenner, no, no, no, no. Stop. It's me, it's me. It's Ludlow, it's Ludlow. Ludlow Lamonsoff, the Wonder Kid? - Yeah. - How'd you get into my van? I've been in there ever since you went to that nice lady's house. She's cute, by the way. - What?! - Hey! What is that? This is moisturiser. Show me what that is. Chloroform? Is that what that says? - You were gonna drug me? - Only as a last resort. - What are you...! - There was something I had to tell you! Why didn't you call me, then? Because the CIA has been tapping my phones ever since I found out the Zapruder film has been edited. JFK shot first. Ludlow, it is you. - Hey, buddy! Let me look at you! - Hey! Good to see you, my boy! How are you? My goodness! - Look at you! - I know. - Staying in shape! I'm on an all-protein diet, but I'm also doing carbs. - Good. - But seriously, Brenner, there's something I have to show you. And let's just say... it's a game changer. 3 LUDLOW: You're the first guest I've had here, voluntarily. BRENNER: That's a shocker. If Lady Lisa was real, she'd have about 17 restraining orders out on you. Actually, I think if she was real, things might just play out a little bit differently. - You want to know how I know that? - Mm? Hmm? - 'If She Was Real.' A book written and illustrated by Ludlow Lamonsoff. - Oh, boy. (gasps) You should sell that at Barnes and Unstable. Do you want a copy? - No. - I have eight others. Why am I here right now? Why did you try to roofie me? Right. Thank you for reminding me. OK, follow me. Earlier today, our military base in Guam was attacked by this guy, Galaga. How would you know that? I have a pen pal in Guam; his name is Baubau. Baubau was terribly frightened, so I hacked into the government's servers to assure Baubau that everything was OK. But you know what? Everything was not OK. - (door opens) - MICKEY: Ludlow! Did you get me some diet root beer while you were out? - You remember my grandma. She's, uh... - Sure. ...still a character after all those years. - Yeah. - No, Grandma, it's funny, I didn't get a chance to because, um... Oh, what happened? Oh, I remember now. (screaming): I'm trying to save the world from annihilation! Are you nuts?! You cracker! - MICKEY: Don't yell at me! - (door slams) So, look, I know that sometimes people think of me as a bit of a conspiracy nut. Right. But sometimes, Brenner, sometimes... the conspiracies are real. Have you been playing Space Invaders a lot lately? - I have. How did you know that? - Cos you're invading my space. Back up. Brenner, do you remember when we were children and we played in that video game championship? Of course, buddy. Do you remember how there was a tape of the event and all the games that were played that was then put in a capsule and shot out into the universe looking for extra-terrestrial life? - Mm-hmm. - I have reason to believe that some alien life force found that tape and has sent down real-life versions of what they saw... to attack us. Brenner, I spent the day on 4chan, searching for messages from the aliens to prove my theory, and you want to know something? - Tell me. - I came up absolutely empty. So then, as a distraction, I got up to try to watch an episode of One Tree Hill that I recorded on my VCR last night. I've been binge-watching to catch up. And you don't have cable because...? Because the government spies on us through our cable boxes, Brenner. That's... that's been proven. And you don't want them to see you dancing around in your underwear for Lady Lisa ` I get it. No, that tape was burned three months ago. Anyway... in the middle of the UHF broadcast, something peculiar interrupted Sophia Bush's sexy shenanigans. (on TV): No, you're the freak with the fat... ('Hail to the Chief' playing) Inhabitants of Earth, we are a race from the planet Volula. We came to you in these familiar Earth forms to tell you we received your vessel, and in it, your hostile challenge. We accept your offer to compete in winner-take-all battles! Gather your bravest warriors to face our bravest warriors! The winner takes the loser's planet. You've already lost the first battle. And for our victory, we have taken a trophy. I'm OK, Mama. I love you. That's not the real Madonna! You will get three lives. You have two lives left. Losing both will lead to the total destruction of your planet. The next battle is in 15 hours at coordinates 27, 24, 79. OK, I got lost about halfway through. Why does Madonna want to take over our planet? These moron aliens think that the footage NASA sent up to space of us playing video games in 1982 was a declaration of war. Intergalactic war, Mr President. Isn't that crazy? Isn't that unpredictable? Lud, listen. You helped unscramble my Cinemax when we were kids. I think you can call me Chewie. What do they mean by three lives? What is that? Aha, if I may. See, that's just it. It's like the video games of old, Chewie Mr President. One quarter, three lives. This is clearly not a quarter. This is far more valuable. May I keep this? - Put it back on the desk. - Fair enough. We lost the first one, Galaga. Two more losses and... LUDLOW: It's game over. - Now, assuming that Alien` - You know, that's not happening. - Fair enough. Assuming that Alien Madonna's numbers are actually latitude and longitude, then we can safely assume that the next attack should happen somewhere in Northern India tonight. If you can get your guys from the NSA to clean up the signal, then we can pinpoint exactly where the attack is gonna be and maybe even which game they're gonna use to attack us. I can't authorise a military response based off a-a video that looks like it was made by a couple high school kids. You got to at least warn the people of India something could be coming. The whole country thinks I'm a buffoon right now as it is! I can't risk it, Brenner, I just can't. (Hindi version of Spandau Ballet's 'True' plays) (screaming) (electronic dinging) (whooshing) (screaming) Don't sweat the whole, uh, Taj Mahal thing. It's probably better that there's only an even six Wonders of the World now. You know what, I get it. I screwed up. It won't happen again. Shut up. Good morning, Mr President. What's Radio Shack Robbie doing here? And this other... fella? Hi. Ludlow Lamonsoff. We've actually met before, but you wouldn't remember because it was in the back of Brenner's van, and I was watching you through a window. (sniffs) You smell so nice, like the Book of Genesis. Mr Lamonsoff and Mr Brenner have agreed to share their video game expertise - with you and your team. - Happy to do it. With all due respect, sir, having civilians with zero security clearance in this facility... These civilians have better insight into our current crisis than my entire administration. I don't know if I want to do it now. She's being so mean. - I kind of want to leave. - OK. - If he leaves, I leave. We're a team. - OK, stop it. - Is this how it's gonna be the whole time? - Guys, knock it off. Lead the way. Of course, Mr President. (buzzer blares) So have we made any progress, Colonel? Enormous progress, sir. We now understand the entities that attacked us were made of energy ` intelligent energy. Morning, Colonel. Good morning, Michael. Michael's a robot! I think maybe the extra-terrestrials took what they saw in the orbiter and re-created the same things using light energy, and then sent these light creatures back at us. That's why solid matter ` bullets and missiles ` won't harm them. Can anything harm them? Maybe. The cubes we recovered in Guam are normally pretty feisty. - Hey, look at that! - Oh! - Oh! - He didn't like it though. - Oh! - Hey! But they calm down pretty quick when we hit them with some supercharged light particles. And the slut-seeking missile, I'd love to see that. - Do you have that around here? - Oh, you are so smart. - Yeah, you think so? - Is that how you got into the Mississippi Institute of Technology? You know, I wish I never went in that closet with you. I was very happy drinking and crying by myself. I so regret trying to kiss you. I would kiss the guy in the yacht a hundred times before I kissed you. - Moving on. - Yeah. We have begun instructing the Navy SEAL task force on the use of the prototype weapons. - PORTER: What do we train for? - SEALS: War! - Why do we fight? - To win! - When do we quit? - Never! - What do we train for? - War! - Why do we fight? - To win! - When do we quit? - Never! Perhaps our new expert advisors would like to say a few words to the SEALs. (muttering): Oh, boy. Men, you have served this nation with distinction in combat zones in every nook and cranny of this godforsaken world, defeating every enemy they've thrown at you. (whispering): Hey, what's up? Brenner? - I couldn't get a babysitter. - Oh. The president has brought in these two civilian arcaders, who we are required to listen to for 120 seconds, starting... - I can't do this. - You can do this. - ...now. - I can't do this. I'm gonna throw up. We know how to do this; they don't. Just act the part. Hey, guys. How are you? Hey, thank you, General Zod, for that beautiful intro. Hey, uh, fellas, good to... good to see you. Um... Let me introduce myself. My name is Sam Brenner, and this is the Wonder Kid, also known as... Your worst nightmare! Looks to me, Brenner, like someone forgot to send us the best of the best. Oops. And instead dropped off a bunch of incontinent, adult-diaper-wearing, candy-ass, cries-themself-to-sleep, women-baby-man-people! What am I looking at right now? Are you guys soldiers or the cast of Magic Mike?! You gonna fight or dance naked?! From now on, you maggots, you little girl maggots, whatever the hell the female form of maggot is... Magina? You magina, when you magina poop your pants, you're gonna be thinking of me in your pants. You know what I mean. (laughs) Do you feel me? Do you feel me, sailor?! You beautiful Nubian man! You gorgeous specimen of what God can make! Do you feel me? I think you're about to feel him, Lud. (quietly): I can't move. - (claps) - Let me help you. Hey, come here. Sorry. Don't touch the guy. - Just sit down. - Did I do good? - You did awful. Sit down. Sorry about that, everybody. I know it's weird. Two buffoons like me and this guy giving advice to you badasses, but the truth is, we've been training since childhood. We've been training our prefrontal cortex to perform extremely complex motor feats with hand-eye coordination unique to a very specific cognitive acuity. I learned a lot of big words at the dorm room drug parties. All of it's been meaningless in all areas of our life, but suddenly, it might be coming in handy to saving our planet. So we're hoping you guys can forget about us being civilian morons and let us teach you a few things in the little time we have. I think we might help you win this thing. There is only one objective in Asteroids. That is to destroy every rock and every saucer. You don't want to get hit by any of these boulders. That's why I recommend staying in the middle. Just cos you see a hammer doesn't mean grab it. You're not gonna climb a ladder with a hammer in your hand. - Very good. - Good piloting, Maverick! Don't lock into radar! OK, it's fine, son, it's fine. You just blew up our entire planet. Ain't no way Inky's catching up to you. I want you to focus mostly on the ships. Every 10,000 points, you get another triangle ship. That's a good thing. Damn. He's still the master. This is just like when we were dating. No distractions, just us. And cake. Whoa, big man, settle down there with that butterscotch frosting. What, too much? Well, you know what? You're really not gonna like what I do with the rainbow sprinkles. Come on now. - Oh, Will! - Oh, no, I love it! Here comes the sprinkle monster. - (shrieking playfully) - (growling) Mr President? Yes, Jennifer? We just received an alien transmission from the 'Where's the Beef?' lady. Wh-What did she say? First of all, she asked where the beef was. Then she said that the next battle was on at sundown tomorrow. 51, 30, 29 latitude, zero, nine, 42 longitude. Where is that? (soldiers shouting) Go! Go! Go! Move! Move! Move! (groaning weakly) Clear the area! The lot of you, come on! Move it! I said, move it! - What's all this, then, mate? - Hey, I got this. Hi, we're Americans. Our Navy SEALs were given permission by your government to prepare for an extra-terrestrial invasion which we believe will occur at these coordinates in approximately 60 minutes. We're shooting a beer commercial. Ah, right, then. Break a leg, then, yeah? Whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that, man? Why'd you lie to him? Trying not to cause total panic, Yank. And you, I don't want to hear another word out of you. All right? You walking wiener coat. What's a-a wiener coat? 4 (sirens chirping) Madam Prime Minister, I can't thank you enough for your cooperation on this. But of course, Will. Will, I trust, with the concord of our powers, we can duff up the jiggery-pokery of these blighters and send them scuttering back to the fractious firmament from whence they came! - (chuckles) I know, right? - Bang on! (quietly): No idea what she just said. I just want to touch it. Easy with those light cannons, gentlemen. We don't have any back-ups. These ray guns gonna work, Van Patten? We had no way to field test them, sir, but our computer models show a great likelihood of effectiveness. 'Great likelihood'?! You're sending my men into battle with untested ordnance? I had two days to do things never done before on this planet, sir. Just remember who you're talking to, missy. Right! Anybody who doesn't need to be here, follow me to the support area. That means you two nipple-twisters. Move it! Hey, Colonel, don't worry. They're gonna work. FEMALE NEWS ANCHOR: The U.S. military was attacked, and what does President Cooper do? His critics say, 'Nothing.' MALE NEWS ANCHOR: That's not strictly true. He made a cake. - No, cos I'm the sprinkle monster! - You are my sprinkle monster. - (growling) (laughter) Let's put that on pause, Sean. - (clears throat) Apologies, Will. Just wanted to spend some quality time with the wife and... Oh, I understand. My husband actually said that we don't spend time together like we used to, so I took him to one of those, um, do-it-yourself pottery studios. And he made me a... 'World's Sexiest Prime Minister' coffee mug. Well, maybe he sees something that nobody else does, you know. (clears throat) Anything, uh, Colonel Van Patten? It's eerily quiet, Mr President. - In case it's Space Invaders, I just thought of something` - Please return to the support area! OK, there's a five-plus-one formation, all right? If we need you, we know where to find you. All right? Now bugger off. Bloody geek. (suspenseful music) (music intensifies) (whooshing) It's Centipede. OK, boys! Do exactly what we talked about! Shoot each centipede from the head down! Do not hit him in the middle, or he will split into two! (whooshing) No! No! Didn't we just say don't split him in half?! Shoot for the head! The mushroom things are in the way! You shoot the mushroom things, like the game! Guys, every time he hits a mushroom, he's gonna change direction! My God, will you please find the pattern and anticipate?! I don't know the patterns! Sergeant Duff, 12 o'clock! - (screaming) - (roaring) (roaring) What the hell kind of beer commercial is this? If I say it's a beer commercial, it's a bloody beer commercial. Get your flabby ass back here, Yank! (cheering) - Shock and awe, baby! - High score, alien trash! You messed with the wrong planet! From Land's End to John O'Groats! - What the hell are you saying?! - I don't know! Hey, Ludlow! Grab a light cannon, get out here now! - I need your help! - Me? No! Look at me! I look delicious. They'll gobble me up like space dim sum! (electrical popping) BRENNER: It's level two! We're the only ones who can do this! Come on, you're the Wonder Kid! You have no authority to dispense weapons here, Mr Brenner! Mr President? Let-let the nerds take over. VIOLET: What was that, sir? Let the nerds take over! Let the nerds take over! Brenner's right. I am the Wonder Kid. (Lover Boy's 'Working for the Weekend') # Everyone's watching # to see what you will do. # Everyone's looking # at you. This is the best, huh?! I've never been happier and more alive! # Everyone's trying to get it right. # Get it right. # Everybody's working for the weekend. # Everybody wants a new romance. (screaming) # Everybody's going off the deep end. OK. You can let go of each other now. # Everybody needs a second chance. # You want a piece of my heart. # All right, you finish that. I'll finish this. (tyres screeching) It's been 30 years since I kicked your butt, and it's gonna happen again! (people screaming) Move the arms. Let's take it forward. Then take it back. - Enjoy it. - BRENNER: Hey! Come here! (people screaming) Who are you, mister? Son, I'm just a loser who's good at old video games. Well, thank God for that. Drinks are on the U.S. government! (cheering) Which is covering up the truth about the ancient pyramid under the Hoover Dam! You know, you're all right, Brenner. You're all right too, snobby. You gonna nurse that all night long, or when are you gonna start hitting it? We ding up a few foreign belligerents, beer is fine. We defeat a full-on alien invasion, I'm thinking something a little stronger. - Mm-hmm. - No. You're really challenging me to drink you under the table? Oh, I'm not so sure you can, buddy. I was the vodka shot record holder in my class at West Point. One time I drank 15 milk shakes at Denny's, so we'll see what happens. - Where are my gamers at? - (cheering) Huh? Looks like all the time you wasted when we were kids is finally paying off. - Yeah, baby. - All right, huh? Sir, may I have the honour of pouring you a frosty? The president can't be seen drinking during times of crisis. So nobody look! - (cheering) - Look away! (over TV): Inhabitants of Earth, congratulations. You have won this battle. Please accept one of our warriors as a trophy of your victory. (whooshing) (laughs) (barking) Aw. The next challenge will not be as easy. The details will be sent via this signal shortly. Remember, we are still leading two battles to one. One more loss for you will mean the annihilation of your world. Good luck, and may the best planet win. (crowd murmuring) Well, you heard them. Let's get back to work. We got to get you guys ready for your next battle. Battle? Us? Huh? This is, like, a regular thing now? Remember when I told you that you were meant for something more in life? Yeah. This could be it, buddy. There's nobody better than you. Well... (winces) not at every game. No. No. Never gonna happen. You know, he's right, Brenner. We don't even know where to find that idiot! (sirens wailing) VIOLET: Eddie Plant married and divorced four times, declared bankruptcy in 1991 and 2004. In 2005, he was caught hacking cell phone companies and adding one of those fees you see on your bill every month but have no idea what it is. - What an idiot. - Made about 50 million before he was convicted and sentenced to 20 years in prison. Guards, get me out of here. It's that mean Centipede killer. I hope he don't zap me with his space gun. How are you, Eddie? 'Sup, Second Place? Oh, and your sidekick here, Presi-doughnut. I didn't know you can have an approval rating so 'cata-tastrophic.' - OK, look, Eddie, here's what we need. - I know what you need. You need the Fire Blaster. Who's the Fire Blaster? Me. That's my nickname, sugar buns. Oh, yeah, that's right. The one you made up for yourself. Yeah, who cares who made it up? It's totally tubular. - Yeah. - See, this is why I don't think I can have Brenner on my team. He's just not really a gamer. Break out a bag of quarters. Pick a game. I'll destroy you at it. Oh, I'll pick a game, all right. (imitates Donkey Kong) - OK. I'm leaving. - No, no, no. Hey, here, come on. Sit down. OK, in exchange for helping us, I will personally speak to the parole board about reducing your sentence. - Pass. - Pass? That deal don't work for Eddie Plant. You want the Fire Blaster's help, he has some demands. Demands? The Bifocal Blaster is here, by the way. I want an island. Oh my God. There are 18,617 named islands that are part of the United States and its territories. Not to mention all the countless unnamed ones, like the soon-to-be-called Edwahii. Hmm. You're not getting an island. Then I want a full pardon. I want to get out of here for good. And after I do, I don't want to pay no taxes, like, forever. And no sales tax. If I want to buy some, for instance, gum, I want to flash me a card that says I saved the world. I don't have to pay no shitballs taxes on the gum. And I want a stealth-attack helicopter like they fly over the Super Bowl, at my disposal at all times. You know, so I can fly around. If the world's still here, I don't want to deal with traffic no more. And lastly, I want you to set up a romantic rendezvous between me, Serena Williams and Martha Stewart in the Lincoln Bedroom. Number one ` you're not getting a helicopter or any sort of flying or driving vehicle. Number two ` I'm pretty sure the federal government could do without your income taxes and be fine. And number three ` if you help us beat these things, I think we can get you out of here. And the Martha-Serena sandwich? Pick one of them. We'll set up a coffee. Serena Williams, and we are closed. (phone vibrating) Hello. I understand. It's happening tonight. Where? New York City. Oh, fuhgeddaboutit! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (chuckles) 5 (dramatic music) Hello, Big Apple. The cavalry has arrived. (cheering) Thanks for coming. We saw how you guys took care of the centipedes. We hope you can do the same for us. We hope so, also. Well, what are we dealing with? Over here. Rookie, just tell them what you saw. It was... it was awful. It was like one of those monster movies, you know? But this time, the monster was real. And who was this monster? (whispers): Pac-Man. Pac-Man? Boom. That's my jam. Let's get us some light cannons and blow this sucker back to whatever planet it came from. No, no, light cannons don't kill Pac-Man. Those little ghosts do. Boom! Let's get us some little ghosts. You want ghosts? She's got ghosts. We used the energy force-field technology from the cube to develop four mini generators for each of the cars. Ghosts. We're calling them XM950 attack modules. - (whistles) - OK, and we're calling them Mini Ghosts cos we'll never remember what you just said. Why are there four of them? There's only three of us. Who's our fourth? May I introduce to you Professor Toru Iwatani. The creator of Pac-Man. (speaking Japanese) - You speak Japanese? - No. Sir, what an honour. Thanks for all the joy you brought to our lives. Awesome. I made your game my bitch. What is... 'bitch'? Don't worry about it. He's a criminal. - You all right? - Yeah. OK, now, assuming they play by the rules of the game like they did with Centipede, if you guys hit Pac-Man three times with this energy field, we win. Ludlow's right. You do smell good. - Good luck. - Yeah. (sirens wailing) (exciting music) Gentlemen, I'll be sending Pac-Man's current coordinates to each of your car's GPSes. Let's locate and eliminate. Come on, guys. (people screaming) (tyres screech) Pac-Man's a bad guy? Pac-Man is not bad! I created him to bring joy to all the people of the world. They have brainwashed him! Deep down, he's kind, gentle, someone you can tell your troubles to or grab a hamburger with. You will see. Professor Iwatani, get back in the car! Professor Iwatani, what are you doing? I will talk to him. - He's my son. - No, that's a bad idea. (haunting music) Hello... my sweet little boy. Look how big you've grown. I'm so proud of you. (whispers): It's so sweet. He's so sweet. But all these destructive things you're doing, it's wrong. I'm your father. I know you're a good boy. (electronic dinging) (screaming) No! Somebody kill this stupid bitch! (screaming) That was some twisted Pinocchio-Geppetto stuff right there. All right, losers! It's three on one! Let's hit it! (tyres screeching) (engines revving) (tyres screeching) (siren wailing) Pac-Man's faster than I remember. Pac-Man's always been faster than the ghosts. We're gonna have to outmanoeuvre his ass. (tyres screeching) EDDIE: Wonderfro, you and Silver Medal break off. I'll stay with Big Yellow. VIOLET: Whoa, Eddie, how did you do that so fast? Cos I'm the champ, Lieutenant Long Legs. (siren wailing) - Nope! - (tyres screeching) What's up? Oh, yeah! (disintegrating beeps) (cheering) Good one, Eddie. (exhales) BRENNER (over radio): One down. Two to go! (tyres screeching) All right, Pac-Man Number Two just regenerated four streets away headed northbound. at the next intersection. Brenner, go straight. Got it. VIOLET: Ludlow, go left. (tyres screeching) Eddie, at the next intersection, turn left. We got him! He's got nowhere to go! (electronic boom) Oh God. No! 'Oh, God. No,' what? He ate the power pellet. Pac-Man's got 10 seconds where he can eat us. (tyres screeching) Why me?! Oh, God. Don't eat me, don't eat me, don't eat me. Please, please, don't eat me. (screaming) Guys, help! I'm gonna die a virgin! Oh my God! (screams) Why are you doing this to me? You've been brainwashed! You're a good boy! Ludlow, run! Pump your legs! Go, baby! (disintegrating beeps) - (cheering) - Attaboy, Eddie! (chuckles): Oh! You just got fire-blasted, sucka. (groans) What? How the hell did he get over there so fast? - (tyres screech) - Way to go, champ. Aren't you glad you sprung me, Second Place? Yeah, thrilled. One more to go, and it's happy hour. (Pac-Man beeping) (tyres screeching) So, I-I guess they're just leaving me here. 6 Now it's time for the hat trick. (screaming) - (tyres screeching) - Wow! Brenner, it's on you. There are still three other power pellets out there, so stay alert. I got this. If I don't, the world ends. Can't let that happen. Come on, Brenner, come on. (tyres screeching) Brenner, he's leading you directly towards one of the power pellets. Get out of there. - (electronic boom) - (tyres screeching) One. What the hell is he doing? - Two. - VIOLET: Damn it, Brenner. I have a son who I'd like to see grow up! Three. You'll see your boy grow up. - Four. - Brenner, get out! He's going to eat you! Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. 10. - (tyres screeching) - (disintegrating beeps) (panting) (cheering) You did it! Brenner! That's the one, baby! (chuckles) - MAN: He's over here! - (crowd cheering) (truck horn honking) WOMAN: Fire Blaster, I love you! Hey, guys! Sorry. Coming through. I'm one of tonight's heroes. Sorry. Hey. (softly): Hey. Check it out. I think I might have found our next trophy. (confused grunting) It's Qbert. Yeah, I know. I know. Can I kill it? No! Let's get to know him a little bit, ask him some questions. And then we'll kill him. (honks): Huh? - I'm joking. Just put the blanket on him. - (honks) Mr President! Mr President! - Yes, Hal. - Mr President, your approval ratings have tripled since this crisis began. Do you feel the heretofore sanguine causata are tracking toward an auspicious denouement? REPORTER: Oh, shut up, Hal. You're just using big words to try to make him look like an idiot. We love you, Mr President. Thank you for saving us. Please, please, don't thank me. It's Sam Brenner and his team who have brought us here to the brink of victory. And we understand you're holding a soiree in their honour. Is that a good idea, when another attack may be imminent? No need to worry. They will have their Arcader uniforms on underneath their tuxes, ready to go at a moment's notice. And for the record, Hal, I happen to know what several of those big words meant. I drank a few cold sanguines on my last trip to Mexico. (laughter) Bite on that, Hal! ALL (chanting): You! You! You! You! You! (chanting continues) (TV clicks off) I don't know what would be worse ` them failing or them actually pulling this off. - WOMAN: What was that, Jim? - Can you shut up for five seconds?! We need to increase the rate of fire. Now, you already calculated that in your beautiful mind, didn't you? There's no rhyme or reason to this game. Where are the patterns? He just attacks out of left field. Patterns? Is that why you were so good with Pac-Man and Centipede? You memorised the patterns? Yeah. Only way to beat these things. Count the bullets, calculate the speed, crunch the numbers. - Where's the fun in that? - Oh, boy. Why? What do you do? You got to pretend you're the guy and you don't want to die. Yeah, that sounds cool, but it's not gonna work every time. That's why you have your reset button. Yeah, we didn't have those growing up. Most violent game I've ever seen. I don't think it's healthy for you. - It's fine. I can handle it. - No, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to homeboy. So much blood! Yeah, hey. You know what'll cheer you up? A cheese ball. - Yep. - Huh? - Come on, suck one up. - (slurping) - (gulps) - Take a handful. That was smooth. - (giggles) - That was very smooth. You know, we should get him some exercise. Maybe throw him on the trampoline for a little bit? - Trampoline! Trampoline! Trampoline! - OK. How about me and him do that while you go ask my mom to the ball tomorrow night? Unfortunately, I'm not attracted to your mother. Bullcrap. You're right, I am. OK. Here. Finish these. - You're getting chubby. - (giggles) Hi. -(Qbert squealing) -Hi. So... So...? (squealing continues) Sorry! Again! Again! Again! Again! So, I'm feeling obligated to make an appearance at that thing tomorrow night. I was wondering, when you got there, if possibly you'd like to hang out with me while I was there or... Like a date? - Like a date, but... Yeah. - Ooh! I don't know about that. I'm a snob. I have mental problems, so... Well, you know, you are and you do, but I'm willing to overlook that for the evening. (chuckles) OK. - You will? - Mm-hmm. (band playing jazz music, crowd chattering) MAN: Three, four! - ('Hail to the Chief' playing) - (crowd cheering) Thank you. Thank you. Nice welcome for a change, huh? (laughter, cheering) Bring it down, Travolta. Bring it down. They love the Big Man. Good to see the respect, pal. (mellow jazz music playing) Well, lookie here, Serena. They threw me a big party to thank me for saving the world. And you get to stand next to me all night. - MAN: Champagne, sir? - Thanks. - They promised me an island if I did this. - Oh. I'm dying to meet Sam's new lady friend. It's nothing. It's just a little hanging out thing. - Yeah. Yeah, right. - All right. Is she pretty, Will? Uh, define pretty. I mean, you're pretty. (chuckles) Extremely pretty. - Thank you. - You know, she, I think, in the classical sense of the word, is certainly, uh... I mean, I feel... Brenner, help me out here. No, you're doing great. Keep going. You know, she... For military personnel, certainly. I mean... You're the first lady... She's a ten. Hey, Brenner. Hey, Brenner. Excuse me for a second. Come on, Matty, let's dance! You look nice in a tux. Green's officially my favourite colour now. I have a question for you. President said I'm on call tonight so I can only have half a beer. Um, I know you like drinking out of sippy cups, but... want to split a bottle with me? What happened? - You brushed your teeth. - Yes, yes! - All right, lead the way. - You got it. # Welcome to your life. # There's no turning back. # Even while we sleep. # We will find you # acting on your best behaviour... # So let's hear about Sinnamon. What does she look like? - Oh, God, are you kidding? - I want to know. She's a husband-stealing Pilates teacher. She's hot. And limber. That doesn't matter. - Yes, actually, it does. - She's not perfect though, right? Girls like that who steal husbands, they always got one thing wrong with them. Come on. - Her forehead's too big? - (chuckles) No. - Mole on the chin? - No. - Two different nostrils? - (chuckles): No, she's... She's flawless. She is. I mean, her eyes. OK, her eyes are a little... a little far apart. Kind of looks like a flounder. - There it is! - (chuckles) Good. So tonight, your dopey ex-husband's gonna be looking into those eyes and saying, 'What kind of choice did I make? 'I used to stare into the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen, 'and now I'm stuck staring at the Filet-O-Fish sandwich.' Did you just say I have beautiful eyes? While insulting the other chick. Wow. That is really, really, really, really good. Thank you. Can I have some of that? No? I thought we were splitting it. Hooyah! # So glad we've almost made it. # So sad they had to fade it. # Everybody wants to rule the world. # They wanna rule. # Why do they act so mean? You know, everybody's like, 'Brenner this' and 'Brenner that,' but make no mistake, Fire Blaster's the leader of this crew. Who's the Fire Blaster again? Me, Serena. All right, let me just cut to the chase here. Fire Blaster's been in prison for eight years. He hasn't been with a woman since '05. You're in for the time of your life. You even think about touching me, I'm gonna smack you through the wall. Mm, I'd have it no other way. Should've gone with Martha Stewart. At least then, I'd have a tasty panini cooked for me or some shit. So what are you gonna do after all this? You gonna go back to the Nerd Brigade? Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably. I mean, what else would I do? I mean, it just seems like someone with your skills, you'd be better off inventing technology rather than installing it. No, of course, I-I would love to do something different. You know, I had my shot when I was a kid in the arcades. But I blew it. Yeah, I always think maybe my life would've been different. Anytime I'm... getting on a roll, or I feel like everything's going great, just... that giant ape throws another barrel at me. But it's all good. Don't worry. Hooyah. (softly): Hooyah. Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce a special message to the Arcaders from the students of PS 427 in New York City. (applause) KIDS: New York was in trouble, Pac-Man caused a ruckus, but the Arcaders saved us, cos they're bad mother... (static crackling) People of Earth, you have violated the rules of warfare, dudes. Violated the rules? Because of this, you forfeit and your planet is now ours. ALIEN OATES: Dudes, in 12 hours, we'll commence with the all-out destruction of Earth. ALIEN HALL: After that, we will sing this about your precious planet. # She's gone # Oh, I... # I better learn how to face it... # What the heck are they talking about? (crowd murmuring) Where you going, Fire Blaster? Oh, hey, kid. Uh, I told Serena I needed to get some air, you know? Only known her half an hour, and she's already like, 'Mrs Fire Blaster this, Mrs Fire Blaster that.' A cop fished these out of the East River the night you fell in. I was gonna give them back to you, but I saw some interesting things written on the inside of the lenses. The Pac-Man cheat code for super-speed. - You're a cheater. - So what? I used cheat codes back in the day to help me dominate. So I figured, why not use it for the big show? And it worked. You've been a cheater your whole life? No. Only since I was 10. That's how I beat your boy Brenner at the World Championship. Oh, yeah. I owe everything I have to these bitching shades. What did you do?! I didn't do anything. I-I thought we obeyed every rule. You thought wrong, civilian! We squandered our one chance on you. - A hi-fi repairman. - But I-I swear... But nothing! You heard Hall and Oates! You blew it! I've seen your files. You've never accomplished a damn thing in your entire life. Brenner won two battles, Admiral. That's two more than you. I wouldn't get smart with me, Colonel. You were all over this sideshow that did nothing but waste valuable time. Sometimes I wonder if you're not working for the Martians yourself! - Drop dead, Admiral. - You're done. All right, hey, guys, that's enough! Listen, we tried something, it didn't work. (loud rumbling) What is that? Matty! (whooshing) (screaming) Matty! 7 I can't believe they took Matty as a trophy. I am so sorry. Well, there's got to be something we can do. Where's Eddie? Eddie, yeah. He crawled into a hole. We'll never see him again. Chewie won't take my calls. Violet got the boot. We're on our own, guys. This feels like my planet. No fun. No laughter. Only war. Wait. Wait a second, Qbert is from there. He knows all their secrets. We were once a happy planet, before you threatened us. But we didn't threaten you. You saw footage of old games. They do not know they are games. Well, why don't you tell them that, Qbert, and stop them? It's too late. And now the mother ship is creating millions of video game warriors to destroy your planet. Look, all we have to do is get inside the mother ship and try to stop them. We can rescue Matty while we're up there. Up there? You want to go up there? I don't know about that. You know, they took away our light cannons. I don't think that's such a good idea. We have something better than light cannons. We have a positive can-do attitude. (groans) I'm kidding. We are all gonna die. I'm just... Sorry. (people screaming) (video game sound effects beeping, whooshing) (menacing music) (video game sound effects beeping, whooshing) Are you sure we want to do this? I mean, maybe we could just find another planet to live on. BRENNER: Shut up, dude. We're getting on that ship. And the only way to do that is to get directly under it. QBERT: That's the only way in. Arcaders are coming! Don't worry! Come on! Come on! Come on! Go! Stay with me! (screaming) (imitates Chewbacca roar) Nobody's better at the crane game than me. Chewie?! What's with the disguise, buddy? They tried to take me to some underground bunker, so I went rogue. Oh, yeah. Wonder Kid, you got to stay on the ground. These people need protection. Oh thank God. Hey, live long, laugh much, love often. Yeah. That's it. That... No, no. Back it up. Thanks for being my friend. Of course, buddy. I love you. Now go kick some ass. Mr President, may I have a light cannon? SMURFS: # La, la, la-la-la-la. # Sing a happy song. # La, la, la-la-la-la... Don't tell anyone I killed a Smurf. (ninjas shouting) (kids screaming) Hey! Get away from those kids now! Please? (ninjas shouting) - Hey! - (gasps) Yeah! I spent... most of my formative years trying to figure out a way to bring you to life, all Weird Science style. I used every birthday wish, every 11.11 on the clock, every little chicken wishbone I could find, and Ladybug,... I prayed for this. Oh! But apparently, you don't feel the same. (Qbert grunting) BRENNER: OK, we're under it, Qbert. Now what? Well, well, well. Look who's here. Qbert the traitor and his cheating friends. Come to beg for a second chance? You're in luck. The boss wants to meet you in person. So come on up. If you defeat him, you save your planet and destroy our warriors. But if you lose... (laughing maniacally) (whooshing) See you on the other side. (grunting) You are so powerful, just as I imag` (kids gasping) (grunts) You win! I'm not gonna fight you any more. OK? I know that you have love in your heart, and I know that I could make you happy, but if you need to kill me, then you're just gonna have to go ahead and kill me. At least I can die a happy man knowing that I found true love. (kids cheering) And I couldn't even get a handshake from Serena Williams. Well, well, well. Didn't think I'd see you again. I had to prove to myself and to the world that I could do this without cheating. - Wait, you cheated? - Moving on. (woman screaming) You gonna introduce me to your girlfriend? Fiancee. Where are we, Qbert? What is this place? I don't know, but I'm scared. Great (!) (distant thumping) What is that noise? (loud thumping) - Oh! - What the hell was that?! (Donkey Kong music playing) (growling) Donkey Kong. The one game you suck at. Yeah. - (roaring) - MATTY: Mom, up here! Matty! Mom! Where the hell is my mama?! We're coming for you, honey! Oh, no. (whimpering) 8 (video game sound effects beeping, whooshing) There's too many of them! This way! Only one way to beat this game ` jump! Up the ladder! Fast! - Incoming! - (gasps) (grunting) - Qbert, look out! - (screaming) - Oh! - Qbert! (Violet screams) BRENNER: I can't do this. There's no pattern. Pretend you're the guy and you don't want to die. Oh! I don't want to die. I couldn't even beat Eddie Plant! Eddie Plant's a cheater! That's why he was so good in New York. He used cheat codes. He did the same thing to you when you were kids. You know what that means, right? I'm the Donkey Kong champion of the world. And the Donkey Kong champion of the world doesn't need patterns. Reset button. (Queen's 'We Will Rock You') # Buddy, you're a boy, make a big noise. # Playing in the street, gonna be a big man someday. # You got mud on your face, you big disgrace. Freeze, Chewie! # Kicking your can all over the place. # We will, # we will # rock you. Brenner! # We will, # we will # rock you. (chittering) Mom, Mom! Qbert's not dead! Help me, help me! Nah, I'm pretty sure he's dead, Matty. - Mom! - Please! (sighs) OK, fine. What? No! # We will, # we will # rock you. (squeals) Violet, get out of there! (panting) Look out! (gasps) # We will, # we will # rock you. We're trapped! Brenner! # We will, # we will # rock you. # We will, # we will # rock you. Here, grab on to my mighty hammer. (both grunting) - You loved saying that. - Yes, I did. Brenner! Whatever you're doing, please hurry up! I've been waiting to do this since 1982. (roars) (grunts) (triumphant music) Yeah! Yes! Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. (beeping) Matty. Oh, God. Are you OK? Yeah. You were so awesome down there! You're my second favourite president. You know Obama's still my man, right? Oh, OK. (explosions popping, beeping) Hey! We won! No more taxes! (laughs) We did it, baby. We did it. No. No. No! Lady Lisa! No! Eddie, never thought I'd see you again. Brenner, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for cheating back in the day when we was kids and for cheating again more recently. Hey, I'm not going back to prison for that, am I? No, but you need to admit to Brenner that he's the best in the world. (chuckles) Uh, no way. Prison. (chuckles) Brenner... ...you are the best in the world at... (clears throat) at Donkey Kong. - That's right. I am. - Ludlow, what's the matter, buddy? I finally had the one thing I wanted, and... and now I'm back to being all alone. Lady Lisa, she made an appearance, and while you guys were out, you know, saving the world, you kind of destroyed his. Oh, that's horrible. It's just... how come he gets to stay? Why are you still here? I'm sorry. Qbert's a trophy. And I guess we get to keep the trophies. Yeah. (sniffles) Aw. (shouting, beeping) (shouting wildly) Qbert, what is it? ALL: Aw. Wait, no one else is weirded out by this? That was just Qbert. - (reporters clamouring) - Yes, Renee. Mr President, are we out of danger? Yes. In fact, I am pleased to announce I have brokered a peace treaty with the alien invaders. (crowd cheering) This peace is due to, and only due to the bravery of the Arcaders who, against all odds, stepped up and saved us all. Eddie Plant, Ludlow Lamonsoff, Sam Brenner and Lieutenant Colonel Violet Van Patten are American heroes. World heroes. (cheering) Yeah! 'World hero'? I guess you're not a nerd any more. You don't want me to stop being a nerd ever. Why is that? Cos like I said, nerds are the greatest kissers. I'll be the judge of that. (Cheap Trick's 'Surrender') (phone vibrating) # Mother told me, # yes, she told me # I'd meet girls like you. # She also told me, 'Stay away. # 'You'll never know what you'll catch. # Just the other day I heard of a soldier's falling off... # some Indonesian junk # that's going round. # Mommy's all right. # Daddy's all right. # They just seem a little weird. # Surrender. # Surrender. # But don't give yourself away. # Hey. # (whooshing) (birds chirping) LUDLOW: Hey, kids. Daddy's home. - Daddy! Daddy! - Dad! Dad! Daddy! Daddy! www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2017