IMS Subtitles www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2017 (woman, panting) I'm so... so glad you called. (man, panting) I'm so glad you were free. God, I love your eyes. OK, now what? (gasps) Cup my balls. OK, yes. Alright. I can do that. Oh! There it is. Ohhh! That feels good. You know what to do. (laughs) There we go. How's that? That's good, nice and slow. Doesn't it feel good? Yeah. No, I wanna go fast. You wanna go fast? Fast. Oh! Oh! Yeah. No... Oh, yeah. That feels good. (blows rhythmically) Oh! Oh! Oh! (laughs loudly) Ahem! Oh! I was having a nightmare. I was so scared. (chuckles) Good morning. Good morning. You look... beautiful. No, I'm sure I look terrible. I just woke up. Are you kidding? I'm sure I'm a mess. You slept over. I did. I thought we had a rule against that. Oh. I'm kidding. Oh. That was funny. You're funny in the morning. I like hanging out with you. Oh, yeah! I love hanging out with you. I think we get along really well and you're so sexy and... I know. I just have a lot coming up at work and I don't want to make promises I can't keep. You know what I mean? Yeah. We're on the same page. I'm not looking for a relationship right now, either. Whatever you wanna... I can do... I'd rather just... I like simple... I'm not like other girls. I'm not, "Be my boyfriend!" Unless you were like "Yeah!" Then I'd be like, "Maybe". But let's not. Nn-nn. I don't want that either. This is awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick. Oh! (whirring) Come on! Hands behind your heads! Sit-ups! You're looking like pieces of bacon on a plate. It's disgusting! I smell the fat! He scares me. Me too. But he's an excellent motivator. That's true. What are you looking at? Oh, shit, he sees us. Oh, God. Hey! Hey! If you wanna take this class, you're gonna have to pay for it like the rest of these bitches! What, are you dancing? In the park... Dance class? You are not dancing. You are not dancing in the park. Go, go, go, go! Freeloaders! I'm coming over there. Is he coming? I'm coming after you! Sorry, Rodney. We're on a budget. Come on! It's only 12 bucks! Oh, my God! Come on! You fuckin' freeloaders. We are out of our minds. I know. I'm so glad we did this. I haven't seen you in forever. I've been in Chicago a lot. I know. Sleeping at Dougie's house. It's just closer to work. How's it going with him? I don't know. It's fine, but I feel like he's been distant lately. I don't know... He calls me "dude" a lot. That doesn't mean anything. I think everything's fine. I don't know. Anyway, what did you do last night? Um... What did you do last night? Ohhh! You are not telling me something. I... hung out with Ted for a little bit. I knew it! We had fun. It was fun. Here's what I don't like about it - you hate yourself after you see him, every time. And then you feel like shit, almost like you do it because you feel bad about yourself. He called me late, and we hung out. It wasn't a big deal. And you know what? It was fun. Ew! You had sex with him. We... had an adult sleepover. Oh! Did you let him sleep over in your mouth? Annie! I'm sorry! You're unbelievable. He kept, like... putting it near my face. They do that, don't they? Why do they? Let us offer. If we don't offer... You're supposed to slap it away. I couldn't. You don't want to look right at it. No. It's too aggressive. It's like... "Hello!" That's my impression. Those are the balls? Yeah. I'm trying to make it round, but I have elbows. (laughs) He is so hot, though. Look, I know you say he's cute and all that stuff, but it makes you feel like shit, you know? You're a total catch, and any guy would be psyched to be your man. You should just make room for somebody who is nice to you. You know what? He's honest! He told me that we are what we are and we're just having fun. I like that. He also told you you need dental work. He's an asshole. I don't need dental work. You're right. There is nothing wrong with my teeth. You are so beautiful. Will you marry me? Yes. (both giggle) I love you. I love you. I don't wanna go to work today. Mm-hm. Let's see how many times Terry's called me. Oh! Only 15! You know what, Terry? I don't want to pick up your monkey lamps. Monkey lamps? Ugh. I cannot wait to never work for a psychopath again Oh, Annie...! I'm sorry. I should have gone down Mason. Well, I'm the genius that opened a bakery during a recession. They were good cakes, Annie. Come on. Look away, look away, look away. Do you have any ideas of styles? I don't know. Honey? Whatever you want Look at you making this decision together. That's sweet. You guys love each other, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Awww! That's sweet. That will go away. (chuckles) You cannot trust... anybody, ever. Especially someone you're in a relationship with. You don't know who you're sleeping next to. It is scary. I mean, look at him. He may not even be Asian. (chuckles) It is scary. So did you guys want to look at these engagement rings? We're going to browse. OK, sure. I'll be here. Thank you! What was that about? Um, nothing. They had to run. They had to go somewhere. And no wonder! You're selling lifelong happiness, not telling everyone your problems and how your boyfriend left you and maybe marriage will work out. Show me your "love is eternal" face. No, that's two years, four years tops. That is not eternal. Kahlua, come here a second. What's up, Don-Don? You make up the best nicknames. You don't need a nickname because Kahlua is so delicious. Don't sue me for touching you. Show Annie your "love is eternal" face. That looks like you have menstrual cramps. Thank you so much, Kahlua. Why can't you be more like Kahlua? I'm trying really hard. Try harder. The reason you have this job is because your mom is my sponsor in AA and I'm doing her a favour. I understand. Oscar, get back to work. You shouldn't be behind the counter. (TV) Andrew, you are not the father! (whooping) (woman on sofa) That's great. Yeah. Stop that. Don't do that. Hey, Brynn. Oh, hey, roomie. Guess what happened to me today. Hm. What? I got a free tattoo. What? I could not believe it. Guy said, "Do you want a tattoo?" Just a random... Yeah, opened up the side of his van. No. He said, "It's free!" And I said, "Sure." You said yes? Yeah! Look. See here? What is it? See that? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Brynn! It's a Mexican drinking worm. It's a Native American symbol meaning "wasted". OK, Brynn, just so you know, it's... Hi! Hi. Have you seen your sister's tattoo? It's really infected. Get a bit of ice on it. Yeah, a little bit. Stick some frozen peas on there. Can't hurt. Alright. So, I just wanted a quick word. Tomorrow the rent is due. I'm getting my cheque and wondered if I could get yours too? Yes. I'm getting the money. It's been a little... slow. (peas clatter) Ohhh! You have to keep it in the bag and put the bag on it. So, the... cheque? Yes. Yeah. Because it's a kind of, like, needing-it-today-type situation. It's coming. (knocking) (Lillian) Who is it? Me! Who is it? Your creepy neighbour asked if I wanted to watch the news again. Sorry. He is so gross. (mimics accent) Come on in. Let me take your magazine. Welcome to the magazine and wine party. Ooh! Have a seat. I'm very happy that you are here. What? Because I want to eat an apple. Would you like some... apple? What is that? I got engaged. What? He asked me last night. What? That's why he's been acting so weird cos he thought he was gonna blow it. And I thought he was gonna break up with me. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh! I know! Lil! I'm shocked, still. But I'm happy. Can you believe this? Oh, my God, I just got hot. Are you OK? Yes. My pits are sweating. My stomach hurts. I'm hot. Oh, my God! What is happening? I don't know. I'm wearing a ring. I can't believe it. Lil, you're getting married. I'm getting married. And you'll be my maid of honour. God, of course I will! It will be super fun. It's gonna be fun. We can plan everything together. My God! Planning your wedding... Are you sure? I know it's a lot to ask and to put on your plate. It's a tricky time, and you're super busy... Stop. It's a lot - Stop. OK. I'm more than happy to do it, and it's not too much. (phone rings) Oh! Look at that. It's my fiance. Oh, your fiance. Hi, baby, what's up? Yay! Yay! It's Annie. I just told her! Yeah, she's so happy. No, I'm not! Ow! "Yay!" she said. What, baby? I know, I miss you too. (laughs) Yeah, I'll meet you in an hour. (laughter continues) I love you too. (still laughing) (birdsong) Wow! Wynonna Judd. It's really good. Painting those giant bangs was a royal pain in my can. And those teeth! I should have painted her mouth shut. Get dressed. We'll be late for the engagement party. Oh... I forgot to tell you, honey. What? I signed up to speak at AA tonight, and I just have to. Mom! No. I forgot. I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You're not supposed to go to those things. You're not alcoholic. Only because I've never had a drink. What? They are inspiring. There is this story I've got to tell you. Sit. OK. This gentleman started blow-jobbing to get crack. Marvin Johnson... Mom, anonymous. You keep... It's no names. OK, OK. Forget it. Marvin J. Whatever. Too late. Well, he became a gay prostitute. And he realised he'd hit his bottom. And I have been thinking, honey, that maybe this is your bottom. I'm telling you, hitting bottom is a good thing. Because... There's nowhere to go but up. Right? Yep. That's what you say. Yeah, a positive message. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for the pep talk, Mom. Honey, anytime, anytime. I guess I'm going to Lillian's party by myself, then. Don't talk to me about being by yourself. I go everywhere by myself. Thanks to that new whore, Barb. Mom, come on. I don't like to say it. They've been married 12 years. OK. But she's still a whore. I'm sure she greets him in the evening, beaver first. I don't want to think about that. You sure you don't want to move in with me? Mom, thanks, but no way. No way in hell. Yeah? No, thanks. Think about it. OK. You don't need your own place. Yeah, I kind of do. OK. I'm gonna go. Alright. Holy shit. Oh, valet. Perfect. Sorry. Needs a wash. (engine stalls) You have to punch it a few times. (engine splutters) Annie! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Lillian. I know. This is your engagement party. Isn't that crazy? It's beautiful. I can't believe Dougie's boss is a member. I know, and his parents too. And Dougie, I guess. Gosh, and me too, now. Let's go say hi to the rest of the bridal party! You remember my cousin Rita? Rita. Annie. I haven't seen you since you graduated high school. She has three kids now. Three boys. They're so cute. They are cute, but when they reach that age, they are disgusting. They smell, they are sticky, they say horrible things and there is semen all over everything, OK? Disgusting. I cracked a blanket in half. You get where I'm going with that? I do. I cracked it in half. What? Annie, this is Becca, my friend from work. We're in the trenches together. Hey. Nice to meet you. My husband, Kevin. Hi. "Husband." I like to say it. We're newlyweds. Wow. Congratulations. Thank you so much. We had a sweetheart honeymoon. Oh. Where did you guys go? Disney World. Disney World. We finish each other's sentences. Sorry. (both giggle) Sorry. Is this your husband? Oh... No, no, no, no, no. I don't know him. Sorry. Do you want to go for a walk later? Oh, I can't. Alright. I can't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm not with anybody. I'm here solo. Let's start it again. I'm Becca. Rewind. This is my husband. You don't have a husband. (awkward silence) Sorry. And this is Dougie's sister, Megan. Hey. Hi. My grandma isn't supposed to have wine. I'll be right back. Hey. How is it going? It's going great. I'm on the mend. I just got some pins in my legs. Believe it or not, pins in my legs. I can still do this, right? I fell off a cruise ship, but I'm back. Oh, shit. Yeah, "Oh, shit." Yeah, "Oh, shit." Took a hard, hard, violent fall. Kind of pinballed down. Hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit. I won't say I survived, I thrived. I met a dolphin down there. And I swear to God that dolphin looked not at me, but into my soul. Into my goddamn soul, Annie. And he said, "I'm saving you, Megan." Not with his mouth, but he said it, I'm assuming, telepathically. We had a connection that I don't even know if I can... Jesus. (burbles) Shut my mouth. Unbelievable. You must be Annie's fella. I'm Megan. It's a pleasure. He's not... He's not... I'm not with him. Oh. Alright. I'm glad he's single, cos I'm gonna climb that like a tree. OK. You have to meet Helen. There she is. Helen! Come here! Helen, this is Annie. Hi! Oh! There she is. Maid of honour. So lovely to meet Lillian's childhood friend. You're... You're so pretty. (laughs) You are so cute! You are so sweet. Helen is married to Dougie's boss, Mr Harris. Perry. Perry. And they are so close now, joined at the hip. Which is good cos so are we. I know. I'm so glad you guys are finally meeting. I know. Me too. It's lovely. I better check the hors d'oeuvres. Great to finally meet you. It's a great party. Bye. Bye. Bye. She's great, isn't she? She's awesome. (man) I really look forward to having Doug as part of our family. You should get married right now and save me a shitload of money. (laughter) Everybody always laughs at that, but I'm not joking. (laughter) I'm not joking. (chuckling) Anyway, I want to thank all of you for coming. And here's to Doug and my baby girl, Lillian. (all) Cheers! I love you, Dad. Enough of me. Let's get the maid of honour up here. Annie? Alright! Hi. I'm Annie Walker. Yay, Annie! I'm not gonna do a big speech, so I'll just say this. I'm so happy to be a part of this celebration. You two deserve each other, as well as a lifetime of happiness. Thank you. Cheers. Love you guys. (all) Cheers! Thank you, Annie. That was so sweet. Thank you. Lil, remember that trip we took to Miami with the boys? (laughs) And they were working all weekend, and we drank wine and ate peanut brittle and I shared things with you I never shared with anyone. And you made me realise how I can trust people again. So let me just say, Lillian, you're my best friend. (voice breaks) And I'm so proud of you. (all) Awww... Sorry. And, Dougly... I'm sorry, inside joke. (laughs) (laughs) You better not keep my Lil on a leash, because I need my drunken Saturday nights at Rockin' Sushi, OK? (squeals) (cheering) Everybody raise your glasses to the couple of the decade, Doug and Lillian. Whoooooo! (all whoop) Have a great night. Dessert wine is out. Dessert wine, yummy. Excuse me. Um... I just wanted to say really quick that... you're so special to me, because... Well, I've known you my whole entire life. And you've really helped shape who I am. I just want to thank you for carefully selecting me as your maid of honour. I know you had some other choices, but... you're like my sister, and I love you. That concludes the speeches for the night. One last thing. It's rare to meet someone you really connect with, and that's you, Lil. I went to Thailand recently with my husband, Perry, and there is a beautiful saying that I learned there. (speaks Thai) (continues speaking Thai) "You're a part of me, a part that I could never live without, and I hope and I pray that I never have to." (speaks Thai) (repeats) And that's it for tonight. Thank you for coming. Really quick - Thanks for coming. I just want to say - Dessert wine is out. Consuelo? Speaking of Consuelo, Lillian and I took Spanish together in school. And I would just like to say to you, and to everyone here... (speaks halting and indistinct Spanish) Thank you. Oh! I feel so close to you and can trust you. You're my angel and soul mate. And I feel I can communicate with you with simply a look. Thank you for coming. Here, I'll take that. Yep, I got it. Lillian... # Keep smiling, keep shining # Knowing you can always count on me # For sure # That's what friends are for (joins in) # In good times and bad times # I'll be on your side forever more (both increase volume) # That's what friends are for... (shrill wailing) (wailing continues) (cheering) Man, engagement parties rule! It made me feel awesome, like I can go and catch another dude to marry. (both chuckle) So, what's up with her, anyway? With Helen? What? I'm just like... She's in your wedding and you've only known her eight months, right? Come on. Get it out, get it all out. I'm just... the whole gown, and the, like, "Oooooh!" you know, thing. It's just weird, right? She's actually really cool, Annie. She's a good one. I'm telling you. Well, I'm sure if you like her, I will like her and... You have to just get to know her. Yeah. Which you should. Will you do me a favour? Would you hang out with her once, just you two? As a favour to me. OK, I will. I love you, Annie Lou. I love you too. Bye. Bye. (affected voice) Oh, hi, I'm Helen. You live in Milwaukee? I'm sorry. Have you met Lillian, my best friend? We've only known each other five minutes. Oh! Oh! (tyres screech) (siren wails) Oh! Cute. No. No. Come on! See? OK? I'm not drunk. I told you. (Irish accent) Just a terrible sober driver? Funny. Can I stop walking? When I tell you to. Hey, look. If I was drunk, would I be able to do this? Stop it. Please stop. Please stop. I believe you. you're not drunk. But I'm still gonna have to give you a ticket. What? Why? Brake lights - you have to have 'em. I knew it. God, those have been out for a year. I'm so stupid. Look, please. I promise I will get them fixed. This week, I promise. Please. Do you have to give me a ticket? Yes. License and registration, please. Thanks. Look at that, you live on Wynnewood Drive. Yep. We're neighbours. I just live over on Ashley. Oh. I used to work on Ashley. You did? Where? I had a bakery on the main part of the street there. Oh. Cake Baby. You're Cake Baby! Yeah! Yeah, you had your sign. It was your face. Yeah! That was you? That was me. You made good cakes. Thanks. You used to make these little pastry things, and you'd put something in them, like a cream or a custard... Cream puffs. Cream puffs, that's what you call them. Delicious. I used to get served by this tall, broad guy, with, like, a wormy face. Yeah, that was my boyfriend. Sorry. No, no. It was... He was my boyfriend, and then he left me... when the business went under. So, anyway... You're kidding! What a dick. I'm glad I never tipped him. Let's forget about this. Let's just forget this one. Really? On one condition. Get your taillights fixed. I promise. I promise. Thank you. Before you kill someone. I won't kill anybody. Alright. Here's your ID. And I'm gonna give you this. My buddy has a body shop in Milwaukee. He'll fix those right up for you. Bill Cozbi? Yeah, with a Z. Different guy. Yeah. Don't mention the "Bill Cosby" thing It drives him nuts. I mean it. OK. I get it. Thanks. You know what? If you mention that I referred you, he'll give you a good deal. My gosh. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Thanks. OK. Well, I appreciated your cakes. Oh... So we're even. That's me, there. Rhodes. Officer Rhodes. That's really nice of you. Thank you. (engine starts) We're not all bad. What? I was just... we are not all bad! Oh. Yeah. Actually, the rest of them are, but not me. I'm the best of them. OK. Thank you. Anyway... Thank you. (# Fiona Apple "Paper Bag") I didn't know you played tennis. Yeah, I played in high school. I'm so glad we did this. I'm glad too. It's nice we get to hang out. I know, right? Yeah. Too bad Lillian couldn't play. Poor thing, she is so busy. I know. But she's not really that into sports. Even when we were little she didn't like anything competitive. She certainly enjoys playing now. It's funny how people change, isn't it? I mean, I don't know. Do people really change? I think they do. Yeah, but they still stay who they are, pretty much. I think we change all the time. I think we stay the same, but grow, I guess, a little bit. I think if you're growing, you're changing. But we're changing from who we are, which we always stay as. Not really, I don't think so. I think so. I don't. (both chuckle) Annie! These are my kids. (boy) Step-kids. Step. (laughs loudly) They are so hilarious. Funny. Excuse me, my husband's kids. What are you guys up to? Going to the snack bar. Awesome. You need a ride home later? Fuck off, Helen. OK. Put a quarter in the swear jar! Good to see ya. They are so cute. Sweet kids. (grunts) Ow! (grunting continues) Aaaagh! Carol! Get your shit together, Carol! Aagh! Uhhh! Uhhh! (screaming) Yes! (Annie whooping loudly) I've seen better tennis playing in a tampon commercial. Umm... I've been thinking, and... Brynn needs to start paying rent. That's it. She's been here long enough. Three of us live here, I shouldn't pay half. We split it three ways. What do you say? She can't work. She's on a tourist visa. So technically, I'm only allowed to tour. Well, you know... I have no way of earning money, unless I go and prostitute on the street. I don't want you... "Hello, fellas. Here I am." "Put your American sausage in my English McMuffin." No, we did that. I don't even know what you're talking about. There's three people here. If she doesn't start paying she has to leave. Is this about the diary again? What diary? Your diary proved very interesting to read. You read my... journal? At first, I did not know that it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad hand-written book. What? But because of the deep personal details and the bits that mentioned Gil and Brynn... No, no, no. Don't read my journal! And the crumbs Don't go in my room! Well, hello! Before you make those demands, you need to put a note on your door saying, "Do not come into my room, read my diary and wear my clothes." Wow, I've never been to this part of town before. You can get cheques cashed next door It looks a bit scary on the outside, but the food is really good, authentic Brazilian. This is where Brazilians come to eat. Annie drags me to weird places and the food is always incredible. And you get a lot for your money too. So that's good. Alright. Let's do it. Let's do it. Somebody likes Brazilian food. To my bridesmaids. (all) Cheers! Cheers to Lil! Cheers to Lil! This is a stone-cold pack of weirdos, and I'm so proud. (laughter) I want to toast you ladies. I'm so happy to get to know you guys, and happy to have four new friends. Absolutely. Cheers. Senoritas bonitas, I hope you're hungry for churrasco Brasil. What would you like? Some of that, please. I'll start with this. I'd say yes. Hello, chicken. This is crazy good, ya'll. Helen, aren't you eating any meat? It's not good to eat a big meal before a fitting. I feel a bit bloated, so... Not me. No? No. Physically, I don't bloat. Lucky. That is lucky. It's a gift. I can't wait to be married as long as you've been married. And have kids And be a mom. Becca... Yeah? The other night, I'm slaving away, making a beautiful dinner for my family. My youngest boy comes in and says he wants to order a pizza. I said, "We're not ordering pizza." He goes, "Mom, go fuck yourself!" He's nine. Now Lillian's in the bathroom, I wanna to talk to you guys about the shower really quick. I was thinking French-themed, since she's always wanted to go to Paris. Oooh! So I figured we could bring Paris here and have champagne and little cookies with "Lillian and Dougie" on them. We can dip them in chocolate fondue, and get cheese from the nice part of the store. I love that. Good idea, Annie. French invitations... Don't you think that'd be nice? Adorable! That's really cute. Good. Great. I don't know. It's really cute, But I feel like the Paris theme's a bit, "Been there, done that." I just feel we can top it. We should see if anyone else has a theme they'd been thinking of. What about a Pixar-themed shower? We all come as our favourite Pixar character. That, and I'll just snowball on top of that, also Fight Club. Female fight club. We grease up, we pull in. Lillian doesn't know, so it's, "Surprise! We're gonna fight!" We beat the shit out of her. She's not gonna forget that. We just fuckin' attack. Can I be honest? No. I'm at home with three boys all day. What about the bachelorette party? That's what's more important. I've got a new tube top, I want to cut the tags off. I'd like to take advantage of this opportunity. Where are we going? I'm gonna second her. We better blow this shit out. That poor girl, Lillian, who we're here for, is probably bawling her fuckin' eyes out sayin', "Holy shit! I gotta spend the rest of my life with Doug." He's my brother. I love him. But he is a fucking asshole. We all agree, right? We'll figure it out. I can think of stuff, and it will be great. It just has to be really special. Ohhh! Belle en Blanc? This is THE place. Great job, Annie. Thanks. Annie! 'Belle en Blanc. Reservation name?' I don't have one. We're just here to try on some dresses. 'The next available appointment for fittings is in seven weeks. Absolutely no walk-ins.' Whitney? It's Helen. 'Helen Harris?' Yeah! 'Hi!' Hi. Oh, my God. I'll buzz you right in. Great, thanks. OK. Welcome, come in! You look wonderful. Great to see you. Welcome to Belle en Blanc, ladies. Welcome to heaven. (Megan) Oh, man! This is some classy shit here. (belches) Jesus, Megan! Sorry, I apologise. I'm not even confident on which end that came out of. Whitney, back to you. I'm sorry. Anyway, take a look around. Get to know the dresses. If you need anything, I'll be in my office. Have fun. Oh... my... God. It's a Fritz Bernaise. Ladies, I... don't think we can do any better. This is... This is beautiful. (Lillian) That is gorgeous. It's unique, couture. This is made in France. (Helen, this is $800.) Are you kidding? It's on sale. Are you serious? Perfect combination. (Helen) It was meant to be. Oh, that's nice. There's other dresses we should be looking at.... Nope, not that one. Um... Oh! Lillian, look at this one. Isn't this pretty? Yeah. Really pretty and sweet, We don't want to upstage Lillian with a big fancy dress. Maybe we should just get something simple. Oh... Please do not worry about upstaging me. Because... guess who Helen is friends with and who's designing my wedding dress. Lady St Petsois JuJu. I just sent my measurements to France, y'all. (Rita) You didn't. Where were you when I was getting married? Ladies, let's not decide straight away. Let's let our bodies decide. Try some things on and have some fun, OK? Yeah, let's have fun, girls. Ladies, start your... (French accent) ..engines! (whooping) (Lillian) Amazing. This is so cool. (stomach gurgles) Ladies. Ladies, if I may interject. I just want to say, you all look stunning. That's a given. Head to toe. But, sadly, we need to agree on one. Well, ladies, you all look beautiful. But I just think, personally, the Fritz Bernaise is just... I mean... It's a Bernaise. One of a kind. I don't think there is a question. No question. There might be a question. I might... I might have a question. I think this dress would look great on everybody. It's a great colour. It's a great length. It's fun. You can twirl. You can move in it. You can spread your legs apart. And it's a great price. (Megan's stomach gurgles) It's designer as well. Is anyone else hot? It is like an oven in here. This might help you decide. While you gals were in the changing room, I rustled up a two-year-old Lady JuJu dress in storage. I had Lillian put it on so you could see what you'll be standing next to. Lillian, honey. (gasping) Beautiful length. Breathtaking! Holy shit! You look amazing. That is so pretty it makes my stomach hurt. Lillian... I don't know what to say. You look... (retches) Megan, are you OK? (retching and farting)) Oh! (Megan) I think... My dress... My dress was probably just tight. Oh, my God. You got food poisoning from that restaurant. No, I had the same that she had and I feel fine. (retches) Oh, my... Oh, no. Why is this happening? Nothing's happening. (farting) Oh, my God. (farting) I don't really care which dress we get. I just need to get off this white carpet. Oh, God. No, not the bathroom! Everybody outside! I'm serious! There is a bathroom across the street. I think everybody has the flu. (retches violently) Shit! I need the toilet! I need the toilet! I need the toilet! No! No. No, Megan. No! No! Look away! Megan, no! Look away! Ohhhh! (groans loudly) You don't look very well, Annie. I feel fine. Are you sure? It wasn't that grey kind of lamb? You ate a lot of that weird chicken. Was it that? No. I'm... I... I feel fine. I think you'd just feel better if you threw up. I don't have to throw up. (retching) I'm so sorry. Get away from me! You're not sick? No. No? In fact, Helen, I'm hungry and I wish I had a snack. You're hungry? I'm starving. What did we eat? The sink is a goner. What're you doing? It's coming out of me like lava! Oh, my God. Don't you fucking look at me! Ohhh! Hm? Jordan almonds. These are great. Thank you. (crunching) Better? I was... I was just hungry. Yeah. Annie, everybody is really sick from that restaurant. (stomach gurgles) Ohhh... It wasn't the restaurant. No, no... Lillian, where are you going? I need a bathroom. Lil! No, no... Lil, where are you going? (horns blare) (Helen) Be careful! It's happening. It's happening. It's happening. It's happening. It happened. What are you doing? It happened. No! Don't you dare ruin that dress! You're really doing it, aren't ya? You're really shitting in the street. (horns honk) We'll take five Fritz Bernaises. Thank you, Whitney. They really do look better. Right. Thank you. You OK? I just... took a shit in the middle of the street. I just shat. People do that. I shitted... I shitted in my shorts. I shit myself. That was fun. Oh, my gosh. You know what I was thinking? You should come with me to Lillian's wedding, maybe. Not like that. Nothing serious. But just like a fun time, you know? We can get dressed up and go dancing and have a drink. It'll be fun, right? No. I don't wanna make you have to explain to all those people what our relationship is. That would suck for you. Right? Yeah. I guess so. I'm just thinking of you. Yeah. It's OK. I have someone else I can ask, anyway. So... Really? Yeah. Who? Um, this guy, George. George Glass. OK. Who is this... George? He is a very hot, nice guy who likes me a lot, and would probably love to be my date. Really? Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Well, let me ask you this. Can this... George Glass... ..do this to you? Probably. Mm. You know what? It's getting really late. You should probably go. I'm gonna miss you so much. Oh. (knocks on glass) Annie Walker. Hi! Hey. Hey. What brings you in here so early? Just had a bad night. You know, boy stuff. Oh. Want me to arrest anybody? I could do that. Actually... No. Wanna talk to a cop about it? We're just like priests. Except we can tell everybody about it afterwards. Oh. I won't, though. Doesn't sound very inviting. You want a carrot? Right now? Yeah. I'll share. I've got plenty. Sure, I'll have a carrot. Yeah? OK. Oh. Yeah, that sounds rough. It's gonna get better, right? I doubt it. My sister was a maid of honour at our cousin's wedding, and she found it so stressful, her hair started falling out. That's terrible. Yeah. It grew back, but it was... it was pretty gross. Planning a wedding should be fun. If I ever had a wedding, I'd want everybody to be stress-free. I'd like it to be like a carnival. Like, people win prizes for guessing the bride's weight. Mm! Dunk tanks. Yeah. You could have elephants, and the bride and groom can walk a little tightrope. That's a circus wedding. A totally different... Right. You missed it. Instead of stressing out about this wedding, you know what you should be doing? Setting up a new bakery! Hmm. No, I'm kinda done with that. What? I don't do it any more. Alright. Ew. Ew! Oh! You got the ugly carrot. What? There is one in every bag. Eat it. It's good luck. I'm not eating this. I'll eat it. It's the lucky carrot? Don't eat it! Well, don't litter! I'll fine you. I'm sorry. I'm gonna pick it up. It really bothers me. Sorry. I'm sorry. It's just that I'm anal about that kind of thing. I didn't know that you could be a cop here if you weren't a citizen. You can't. No? No, you can't. But they made a special dispensation because I'm so tough and strong. Oh. Right. And handsome. OK. You're pretty tough. I am tough. You're a tough cop. You're laughing. No, you're... You didn't let me flex. I'm really tough. So am I. No. Yeah. I could be a cop. You think you could be a cop? Yeah. OK. Yeah. Let's see. The sun is nearly up. Let's see if you've got what it takes. That's right. Now plant your feet. OK. Good. And take aim. Now put your left hand behind your head. Yeah. And drop your left hip. (wolf whistles) I'm kidding. Put your arms out straight. OK. The middle of the license plate is where you get an accurate reading. OK. You ready? OK. (beeping) 58. What's the speed limit? 55. OK, they were alright. We'll let them go. You were born to do this. Look at you. OK. Alright, here we go. (beeping) 63. You're missing some good ones. People are going to work. Why ruin their day? OK, watch this. 48. (beeping) 48. How'd you do that? It wasn't! It was. That's never happened. It was 48? Yes, 48! Yeah. I'm so impressed. I'm pretty impressive. I'm very impressed by you. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Damn! That was 91. 91? Yes. Can we go? We can go. Come on, hot-dogger. Let's get that fucker. Oh, my God! (laughs) Oh, my God! Hello. (HORN TOOTS) (BLOWS) Kia ora. (SIGMA'S 'CHANGING' FEATURING PALOMA FAITH) # Hell down, heaven now, livin' in the same town, trying to find somethin' new. Hello. (HORN TOOTS) (BUTTONS BEEP) Hey! # Everythin' is changin'. No, it's a wee one. (OINKS) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) Jambo. Salaam alaikum. (DRONE WHIRRS) Hello. I'm home. (BEEP!) (BEEPING) ALL: Hey! (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) Hello. (BUZZING, CHILDREN CHUCKLE) Hello from the children of Planet Earth. Perfect. (phone rings) Hello? I just got your email. Lake house? Yeah, it's Lillian's parents' house. We used to go there all the time in the summers and everything. It's one of... A bachelorette in a cabin? (beep) Wait. Hold that thought. Hello? (Fucking Helen.) Hello? Annie, it's Rita. Hi. Listen, I need a trip I can fantasise forever so that I am able to have sex with my husband. That's why I'm thinking Vegas. Vegas? Hang on. Shut your filthy fucking mouths! I'm sorry. I'm surrounded by savages. (beep) My other line is ringing. I can get cocaine from my hairdresser. OK, bye. Hello? Annie. I'm so excited. Helen just called. She said we can go to Vegas. Yeah, but we have to... fly there, and... OK, Annie, I know you're afraid of flying, but I want to see Criss Angel, but I'm scared. Which I sort of love. (beep) Can you just hold on for one second? Sure. Thanks. Hello? Hey, Annie, it's Megan. Hey. I had some thoughts about the bachelorette party. OK, here we go. Easy-peasy. Vegas it is. Helen called you, didn't she? Yeah, she got the jump on you. I want balls in my face. Honestly, I think it's Vegas. I love puppets. Balls. I guess we are undecided. I feel so bad Annie's stuck back in coach. I know, I offered to pay for her in first class, but she said no. She's too proud. It was nice of you to offer. No carry-on, huh? No. I noticed you didn't put anything in the overhead bin. And I get it. I get it. I want you to know, protect and serve, Air Marshal-style. What? I don't wanna infringe on your privacy, man. I just really appreciate what you do for this country. And I respect the hell out of you. That's great. I'm not an air marshal. I'm gonna take a nap. Awesome. Cool. I'll take the first watch. I'm not an air marshal. You don't need to take a watch. OK. (I've got the first watch.) 'Please make sure your seat backs are in an upright position before takeoff.' Gosh. I hope this flight is quick and we get there on the ground safely. I'm not a good flyer, I'm sorry. I had a dream last night that we went down. Yep. It was terrible. You were in it. What? Sounds like something's happening. Annie, you're supposed to be in your seat. I'm freaking out a little bit. Ma'am you need to return to your seat. OK, I was just... Annie, I have something. Take two, you'll fall asleep, wake up and we'll be there. Here. (rattling) Ma'am, return to your seat, please! It's fine. Alright. Ma'am! Alright. Alright. Oh, my God, I feel terrible. I should be with her, not here in first class. I feel such a jerk. Lil, this is your weekend, OK? you're treating yourself. Just relax She'll make friends. There is much more sense of community in coach. She'll be fine. I can't believe you've never been with anybody else. Just Kevin. (laughs) I'm sorry. I just... Becca, I can't help but feel bad for you. You don't even know what you want. I gotta know where you keep the gun, man. Ankle, hip, lower back? You don't... Between the cheeks, do you? No, I don't stick a gun... up my butt. That's stupid. I didn't say "up". I just knew of a guy that did a lot of undercover work. And all I know is he had tape marks all up and down his cheeks. That can't be true. People don't keep guns up their asses. If you need it, how are you gonna get it? He cut a hole in his pocket. What? You gotta get something out your ass and cut a hole in the back of your jeans, you can't get to something? I don't have a gun to put up my ass to make your point. I can put my Nano I will show you. Get me scissors, I will cut a hole in my pocket. And you'll never find this again until I want you to find it. Kevin can only have sex in bed, in the dark, under the covers, only after we have showered separately. And sometimes by the time we finish cleaning ourselves, he's too tired. And then I pretend I'm tired, but I'm not tired. I'm not tired. That's why every girl needs those slutty college years. To experiment, get it out of your system, find out what you like. Excuse me, could I have a glass of alcohol when you get a chance? Two double Seven and Sevens. Is that...? You'll like it. It's sweet. I need the bathroom. I heard about a woman who used the bathroom on a plane. She got sucked into the toilet. Sucked right in. Are you OK? Yes. Yeah, I think what you gave me didn't really do anything. I just have too much adrenalin or something. But thanks. Why don't you take my scotch? It will just give the pill a little kick it needs. I do it all the time. Yeah? And I'm much smaller than you, so you'll handle it. Well... OK, thanks. Yeah? OK. Whooo! Yummy? Yeah, it's good. Toss it back. Don't waste any more time. OK. Oh, look at that. (coughs) OK, that'll do it. That'll do it. So you don't even have sex any more? No, I have sex constantly. The sex is constant. But he hasn't kissed me in five years. What're you doing when you're having sex, then? Thinking about other things and wishing it would stop. Sometimes I just want to watch The Daily Show without him entering me. It's the Wet Republic Ultra Pool. No. Are you kidding? What is it again? There is a bar in the pool and a tiger. What? It's crazy. Vegas at its best. Is this that place that was on The Real World? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. It's... Hey, buddy. How you doing? I'm good. I'm so much more relaxed. Thank you, Helen. I just feel like I'm excited, and I feel relaxed. (speaking louder and louder) And I'm ready... to PAR-TAY with the best of them! # And I'm gonna go down to the river... Wow! It looks like somebody is really relaxing now. What are you guys talking about? We're going to a restaurant tonight. I know the owner, so... (cutesy voice) You do? Ohhh! Helen knows the owner. Ohhh! Eurgh! Big whoop. Let's go take a nap. What do you say? Miss, you cannot be up here. (elderly voice) Hello, grandpa. I'm sorry. I just wanna be with my friends, cos I'm with this group. Can't she stay up here for a minute and just talk? Absolutely not. Coach passengers are not allowed in first class. I'm sorry. Ooh! This is a very... This is a very strict plane that I'm on. (German accent) Welcome to Germany! Auf Wiedersehen, asshole. Alright... Go lay down. I'm gonna go take a nap. I'm tired. I think it's a good idea. Catch you on the flip side, motherfuckers! I'm sorry. She's - I'm leaving. Thank you. This should be open, cos it's civil rights. This is the '90s. It's not. You're in the wrong decade. You are. OK, I am. You are. Thank you. Holy shit. What did you give her? Miss? Um... No... It's not me. Yes, it is you. Please go back to your seat. Yes, I am with him. I'm, uh... Mrs... Mrs Iglesias. No, you are not. You were just out here and you put sunglasses on. Out. (childlike) I don't wanna. She can have my seat. Everyone should experience first class and Annie shouldn't miss out just because she can't afford it. Ma'am, that's not allowed. Help me, I'm poor! No, listen, We're a wedding party. I'm the bride. This seat is empty. She's nervous. We'll calm her down. I understand, but Claire is right. Return to your seats. You especially You have three seconds to return to your seat. Ohhh! You can't get anywhere in three seconds. Well, try. You're setting me up to lose already. Thank you. Whatever you say, Stove. It's Steve. (blows raspberry) Stove. What kind of name is that? It's not a name. My name is Steve. Are you an appliance? No, I'm a man, and my name is Steve. You're a flight attendant. That's absolutely accurate. You can close that. Thank you. (sighs) Hey, not-air marshall Jon. Wanna get back in that restroom and not rest? No, I have to get back to my seat. Yeah, you gotta get back on MY seat. # Uh uh-uh uh... # You get it? Yeah, I definitely got it... Uh-oh. What's that? (slapping) I gotta get back. Could you move your leg, please? I gotta go. Oh-oh. Oh-oh. Somebody found a souvenir. You feel that steam heat? That's from my undercarriage. OK. That can go up and higher. Jon, get us a blanket. No. I gotta take a whiz and I'll be right back. Cool. I don't... I don't want you to be a big fuck-up like me. How do you think I feel? Like me. You can still turn it around. No, don't. Stop it! You're more beautiful than Cinderella! You smell like pine needles and you have a face like sunshine. (exhales) What...? Oh, no... Oh, no. Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the "fasten seatbelt" sign. We've run into a rough patch of weather. (Annie) I have an announcement. There is a Colonial woman on the wing. I saw her! There's something they're not telling us! Steve. A Colonial woman was churning butter on that wing. Steve, get her. Shit! Everyone, remain calm! I'm an Air Marshal. Yes! Yes! I got your back, Jon! There's something they're not telling us. Let's get out! Open the doors! She is dressed in traditional Colonial garb... We're going down! Stay calm. There's something they are not telling us! (all yelling) I will cover the pilot! (yelling) Who is she? What does she want? Aaagh! Just let me make it up to you, please. You're... I'm telling you... your shower is going to be amazing. I have so many ideas. I wanna talk to you about the shower. I feel like, um... it's...been really overwhelming for you. It's just starting to make you crazy. No, Lil, I'm fine! I mean... Lil, I'm fine. No, you're not fine. You are not fine, Annie, and... we need things to just... ..flow smoothly from now on and Helen can do this kind of stuff. She does it all the time. She is good at it. She likes doing it. This way you don't have to... ..plan any more lunches or trips. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I get it. I think it'll be best here on out for the shower and for everything. Yeah, whatever... whatever you want. I mean, it's probably best. I think so, right? Yeah. I just want you to be happy. Yeah, I think that'll make me happy. It'll be good. OK. Good. Hey. Hey. Do you want to hang out? (Rhodes laughs) It's not funny! Stop laughing. It's a little funny. None of those girls are laughing, believe me. It's not funny. Have you ever been kicked off a plane? I can't say I have. Thank you. All of the girls... hate me right now. You are like the maid of dishonour. Nnnnh! Anyway, I hope Lillian isn't going to be mad at me for too long. Nah, she'll be alright. I wish things were the way they used to be. It's like her life is going off and getting perfect and mine's like... It'll turn around. I've been hearing that for a long time. It will, I know it. Anyway... You gotta bake! I don't do that any more, I told you. Why? I don't know, it's just... I don't know, after it just went under, I just kinda... ..stopped. It doesn't make me happy any more. Just cos you didn't make any money doesn't mean you failed at it. I lost a lot of money. All my money. But you're so good at it. Oh, well. Let's change the subject. No more baking. I'm done. I don't know how you can't do it any more. If I wasn't a cop any more, I would still... Arrest people? ..go out with a gun and shoot people. I probably wouldn't. I'm just trying to make you feel better. You're OK, you know. You don't know me well. I know you well enough to know you're not bad. You got some stuff. Oh, yeah. You got bits and pieces going on. Thanks. I have been thinking about you a little bit. Really? There's something about you. Something about you that sticks. I hate buttons... (Rhodes moans passionately) Where's the bedroom? Ohhh! Oh! Sorry, it's a mountain bike. Are you OK? Do you like mountain biking? Uh-huh. Take this off. I'm so glad this is happening. So am I. Mmmm... (birdsong) Hello! Morning. Sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out. No, it's OK. I haven't been sitting here that long. Oh. (nervous giggling) Sorry, I guess I fell asleep. I didn't mean to... sleep over. Don't be silly. I made you a cappuccino. Made it? Yeah. So last night was fun. It was. It was very fun. I had fun. It was fun. If you care to accompany me to the kitchen, the fun may continue. A different kind of fun. Oh. Um, but why don't you just get dressed and whatever? I left your clothes over there. And I'll see you in there. OK. There she is! Your workshop awaits. I know it's crazy, but I popped out and got a few baking bits and pieces. Butter, milk... I thought it would be fun to bake together today. Obviously, you will do the baking. I will do the eating because you're the expert. Yeah, I don't... I don't really wanna... Sorry. You went to all this trouble... Come on! You haven't done it in a while, but it'll be great. Don't be silly, just get into it. You're so good at it. Alright. I get it. It was... It was a bit of a curve ball. Yeah, I think I'm gonna go. I'm sorry. I should just... probably go. Annie... I don't know what you're so upset about. Because you don't know me. You don't know anything about me or my life or... Well, no... I don't know what you're trying to do I don't need you to fix me. Fix you? I don't need help. Who do you think you are? Jesus, Annie, we had a really good time and now you're... It's my fault I shouldn't have come here last night. Last night was a mistake. Fucking hell. Alright. (beep) Hey, it's Lillian. Leave a message after the beep. Hey, Lil, uh... it's me. Um... I'm sure you're probably still little bit mad at me, but... I hope not. Anyway, um, the excitement still continues with me. I just slept with a cop that pulled me over, and I woke up today and he was really sweet and nice and cute, so naturally, I ran out as fast as I could. What's wrong with me? Um... Anyway, I know you're busy and stuff, so just call me when you get a chance. I'd love to talk this out with you when you can. OK, bye. (Brynn) Annie! Annie, wake up. It's 11am. Oh, shit. You got a package. I'd bring it to you, but you said, "Don't touch my things." (Helen) Join us for a Parisian brunch at the home of Helen Harris III to celebrate the marriage of Lillian and Douglas. Let us shower Lillian with gifts and love. RSVP. Yay! Excuse me. Hi. I'm looking for a gift for my best friend. I want to get her a necklace saying "Best Friends Forever". Sure you want it to say "Forever"? Yeah, why? Come on. "Forever"? Forever. I don't think you guys will be best friends forever. No offence, but friends you have when you're younger, sometimes... you grow apart when you get older. Maybe she'll find a new best friend. And maybe she'll be more successful than you and prettier and richer and skinnier and they end up doing everything together. You're... You're weird. I'm not weird. OK? Yes, you are. No, I'm not, and you started it. You started it. Did you forget your Xanax this morning? I feel bad for your parents. I feel bad for your face. Call me when your boobs come in. Call me when YOURS come in! You have four boyfriends? Exactly. Yeah, OK. Have fun having a baby at your prom. You look like an old mop. Know what? You're not as popular as you think. I'm very popular. I'm sure you are... VERY popular. You're an old, single loser who's never gonna have any friends. (loudly) You're a little cunt. I'm sorry. Let me tell my mom, OK. I already told her. Was she mad? Mm-hm. (beep) Hi, Annie, it's Rhodes. Again. Since you're not returning my calls, I assume that you're not interested in spending any more time with me, which is fine. So don't worry, I won't bother you ever again. Get those taillights fixed. We'd like to invite you to... no longer live with us any more. What? What do you mean? I don't get it. We decided it's a bit immature for a grown-up brother and sister to still be living with a roommate. Yeah. At our age, it's a bit ridiculous. Yeah. We look a bit silly. Pathetic. So we are going to live together alone. Without you. You're moving out. She's not moving. She will move. Eventually. Eventually. She has to. She's taking it in. You have to leave. Oh! That's prickly. Hi. Hi. Remember when you thought I hit bottom? That wasn't bottom. Ohhh... Come here. We're gonna have fun. I am really glad you're here. And guess what? Good timing. You know what just came in today on the Netflix? Cast Away. Tom Hanks. It's like Forrest Gump, but on an island. Honey, you're gonna love it. # It's raining so hard # Looks like it's gonna rain all night # And this is the time # I'd love to be holding you tight # But I guess I'll have to accept # The fact that you're not here # I wish the night would hurry up... # (Oh, my God.) This is her driveway? Who is that man? Are you a guest of Helen Harris III? Yes. Technically, I guess. An attendant will meet you at the stables. Where? The shower is over the second bridge. Pink lemonade? Oh, um, thank you. I don't have a cup holder. Can I just give that...? Pink lemonade. Nice. Nice touch. Shit. Goddamn it, that's good. Mmm... Ohhh! Shit, that is fresh. (accordion plays) This is the most beautiful shower I have ever been to. Yes, and Helen is giving out the cutest party favours. I know. I love their pink berets. (French accent) Some champagne? Yes. It's French. Annie! Hey! Hi. How are you doing? You're here. Yeah, I'm here. I was invited. Sorry. Of course you were! I just meant you have arrived. No, I was just... OK. ..joking. (chuckles) Can you believe this? Isn't it amazing? Yep. Yeah. It's nice. Pretty. Are we OK? Yes, I'm sorry I haven't called... I didn't wanna bug you, but... Forgive me. It just got crazy. There's been lots of organising, and... I have to say hi to my aunt or she'll get mad at my mom. Yeah, you gotta do your party rounds. See you in a minute. OK. Oh! Rita, you got all our towels. I did. Because I love you, kitten. Let's see what's next. Another one, another one! Yay! (singsong) I know who this is from. I can tell by the wrapping. Annie, you made this! Look. (all exclaim) Oh, my gosh. It's us, Annie. Oh, my God, let me see. Oh, my God! This is all my favourite stuff from all the stores I love in Milwaukee. Annie! This is so unbelievable. Wilson Phillips? (laughter) Man, I love Wilson Phillips. We listened to Hold On 10,000 times when I got my driver's licence. This is such an amazing gift. Thank you. You're welcome. I feel really bad, Lil, I didn't get a chance to get you a present because I have been so busy organising the shower. Helen, please. It's more than enough. Here's a card to say congratulations. Thank you. Gosh, you have really outdone yourself. Oh, my God, Helen... Honey, what is it? Helen's... taking me to Paris. (all shriek and gasp) I fooled you! Look at your face. Just a little pre-wedding vacation. And we're gonna meet the designer of her dress and have a fitting. (all exclaim) You're taking me to Paris? Oh, my God! This is the best present ever! Thank you so much. (Helen) A Paris! Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me? (silence falls) Annie? No, Mom. Motherfucking Paris? (Lillian) Annie... I told you about Paris, Helen! I gave you this whole idea! Annie, calm down. No, Lillian! You're gonna go to Paris with Helen now? You're gonna ride around on bikes with berets and fuckin' baguettes in the basket? How romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We're all thinking it, aren't we? I'm not. I was. We all are, right? Annie... Lillian, this is not the you that I know. That you would've walked in here, rolled your eyes and thought this was over-the-top and stupid! Look at this shower! Look at that fucking cookie! Did you really think that these women were going to finish that cookie? You know, that reminds me, actually. I never got a chance to try that fucking cookie! Stupid fucking cookie! Ohhh! Delicious stupid cookie! I think I'll... (grunts) Maybe it's better if I dip it in the chocolate! Ohhh! (geese honk) Ohhh! Is this what you want, Lillian? (screams of rage) This is so awesome! Alright, let's have some nice, hot, unsanitary... chocolate! (grunts) Agh! It's hot! Jesus! Christ, Annie! Have you lost your fucking mind? What're you doing? What am I doing? You wouldn't know, would you? Let me fill you in, OK? Since you got engaged, everything has turned to shit. This is supposed to be my time! You have managed to ruin every event in my wedding. Thank you very much! Thank YOU very much! It's her fault, not mine! And you'd know that if you got your beautiful-haired head out of your asshole! In fact, out of her asshole, which I'm sure is perfectly bleached! It is! And you know how I know? Cos I went to the fucking salon with her and got my asshole bleached too! AND I LOVE MY NEW ASSHOLE! (all gasp) Why can't you just be happy for me, then go home and talk behind my back later LIKE A NORMAL PERSON? I am happy for you, Lillian. I am very happy for you. I wish you well. I won't bother you any more. Are you kidding me? Annie! Go, go, go, go, go! Get back here! Stop! No, no! She does not get a party favour. She does not get a dog! And if you're gonna act like this, don't bother coming to my wedding! I'm proud of you, Lil. Shut up, Helen! Anybody else have anything they wanna share today? I took two dogs already. They're in the back of my van. (sighs) (horn honks) (faint yapping) What? (tyres screech / crump) What? Where are you going? (tyres screech) Hit and run! Classy! Perfect! OK. I'm gonna find you! (engine splutters) I'm coming! Come on! Come on! Ohhh... Come on. (engine splutters and dies) NOOOOO! Shhhhit. Hello. (HORN TOOTS) (BLOWS) Kia ora. (SIGMA'S 'CHANGING' FEATURING PALOMA FAITH) # Hell down, heaven now, livin' in the same town, trying to find somethin' new. Hello. (HORN TOOTS) (BUTTONS BEEP) Hey! # Everythin' is changin'. No, it's a wee one. (OINKS) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) Jambo. Salaam alaikum. (DRONE WHIRRS) Hello. I'm home. (BEEP!) (BEEPING) ALL: Hey! (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) Hello. (BUZZING, CHILDREN CHUCKLE) Hello from the children of Planet Earth. I can't say I'm surprised. I did tell you to get your lights fixed. Yeah, I know. And now here we are. Look, I have had a horrible day. I don't need a lecture from you right now, OK? I just... Helen just... Oh! Don't... This didn't happen because of Helen. It happened because you didn't get your taillights fixed. Pretty simple Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to see you, night by night, drive past me with your fucking taillights still broken? Do you have any idea how crazy that makes me? It's a simple solution! Your problem is you don't understand that you can hurt people... with these broken lights. Don't you see how irresponsible this is? Yes. I should have gotten my... fucking taillights fixed. But I didn't, OK? I didn't. Don't worry about it. Seriously. Your message was received. Please. I don't know what's going on with me right now... It's fine. Don't bother. Really, what's done is done. That's it? Where are you going? That's it! That's how this works. Come on. I didn't... For the record, Annie, you flirted with ME. You made me feel like you really liked me, which was really unfair. Then you came home with me and we did stuff - fun stuff - and then you just left, just like it was nothing. Oh, please. I know how guys do this thing. I know how guys act. One minute, it means something. The next, it doesn't. You've got it all figured out. Yeah. How's that working out for you? Pretty good? Boom! What's up, fuck-buddy? You call for some roadside assistance? Thanks, Officer. I can handle it from here on out. Come on! I didn't have anyone else to call! I didn't know you were gonna show up! That's the problem with cops - never there when you need us. That cop talks weird. Come on, dingus! Tick-tock. I got shit to do. Check it out. Look what's steering the car. Thanks again for picking me up. Not a problem. Were you busy? Well, it is Friday. You know... you look tired. If you're tired, you can totally lay down in my lap, if you want. What? Just take a little lap-nap. (whistles) If you want. Open for biz. Can you pull over? Ooh, that's an even better idea. No, can you please just stop the car? I want to get out. No, it's super-gravelly. Please pull over! Why? I would rather get murdered out here than spend the next half hour with you. Can you please pull over? Come on, Annie. It's called humour. Learn about it. Besides, I'd never last a half hour. Goodbye, Ted. If you're trying to turn me on, it's working. You used ME! No big deal. you're no longer my number three! (spluttering) Wilson! WILSON! I'M SORRY! I'm sorry, Wilson! Ohhh... Wilson, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Oh, Wilson...! Wilson! (knock on door) I'm comin' in. Let's go. And we're walking. We're walking. Heel! Heel! No pee. No! Not on the carpet! OK, we're coming... we're coming in. Everybody is in and having fun. And heel! We're heeling. Heel! How many of those did you take? I took nine. I took nine. Yeah, I did slightly over-commit to the whole dog thing. It turns out, I'm probably more comfortable with six. It's a lot... That's a lot of energy to deal with, but you wouldn't know about that cos you don't return my calls. And say what, Megan? Say, "Hi, I can't get off the couch. "I got fired from my job, kicked out of my apartment. "I can't pay any of my bills. My car is a piece of shit. "I don't have any friends. The last time..." I find it interesting. It's interesting to me that you have no friends. You know why? Here's a friend trying to talk to you, and you choose to say that you don't have any friends. You know what I mean. No, I don't think you want any help. You want a little pity party. Ow! Annie wants a little pity party. You're an asshole, Annie! God! You're an asshole. I'm life. Is life bothering you? What are you...? I'm life, Annie. I'm life. You gotta fight back on life. Megan! You better learn to fight. Megan! I'm life and I'm gonna bite you in the ass! OW! OW! Megan! It's not me. I'm your life. Turn over! I'm trying to get you to fight for your shitty life, and you won't do it. Stop it. Stop slapping yourself. I'm your life. I'm your shitty... Ohhh! I'm sorry. Nice hit. Alright. Glad to see you've got a little bit of spark in you. I knew that Annie was in there somewhere. I think... I think you're ready now to hear a little story about a girl... a girl named Megan. A girl named Megan that didn't have a very good time in high school. I'm referring to myself when I say Megan. It's me, Megan. I got that. You look at me and think, "Boy, she musta breezed through high school." Not the case, Annie. No, this was not easy going up and down the halls. They used to try to blow me up. They threw firecrackers at my head. Firecrackers. Literally, not figuratively. I got firecrackers thrown at my head. They called me a freak. Did I let that break me? Did I go home to my mommy, crying, "I don't have any friends!" I did not. You know what I did? I pulled myself up, studied hard, read every book in the library. And now I work for the government. I have the highest possible security clearance. Don't repeat that! I won't. I can't protect you. I know where the nukes are and I know the codes. I won't say anything. You would be amazed. A lot of shopping malls. Don't repeat that! I won't. I have six houses. I bought an 18-wheeler just because I could. You lost Lillian. You got another best friend right here if you'd notice. Huh? Now, you gotta stop feeling sorry for yourself. I do not associate with people that blame the world for their problems. Cos you're your problem, Annie. And you're also your solution. Right? I mean, that's... You get that? I just miss her, I guess. Yeah, I know you do. I know you do. Alright, come on. Bring it in. There's the Annie... There's the Annie I knew was there. Man, you gotta wash your hair. I'm sorry. You've got to wash that hair. (Ryan Adams) # Did I slip? # No, I stumbled # Did I trip? Cos I know I fell # All I know is I'll wake up here in my clothes tomorrow # Oh, girl I wish I knew you well What's wrong? Nothing. Oh! I love you. # Did I run? I thought I was walkin' # Through your inexhaustible gale # Wow! Looks great. Thank you. Rhodes and I worked out a deal way back when, so it's on the house. Are you serious? Yeah. I owe him big-time. That's really nice. Hey, Mom? This is my mom, Judy. Hey, how are you? Nice to meet you. Good to meet you too. (chuckles) Wait a minute, don't I know you from AA? Oh, my gosh. You made that artichoke dip, didn't you? Oh! It's good, huh? It's delicious. (laughs) (knock on door) Come in. Are you sure you're not gonna come with me today? It's Lillian's big day. Mom, she doesn't want me there. I'll fix you a tuna fish sandwich. Mom, it's eight in the morning. Put syrup on it. (knock on door) Ohhh! I... I know. Hi. What do you want? I wondered if you knew where Lillian was. No, why...? What do you mean? I can't find her. We've looked everywhere. What? She's missing. Can you help? OK, wait here. I now someone that might be able to help. I'll get my keys. Can I just use...? I don't know what could have gone wrong. Everything was going smoothly. The dress looked fantastic. It had come in from Paris. Dougie was being great and very helpful. I had organised everything to the last final detail. I just... I don't know what's happened to her. I don't know. You should know. You're her best friend. It's weird that you don't know. You guys are so close. Annie, I, uh, I want to apologise to you personally for all the things that've gone down. I know I hurt you, and created a distance between you and Lillian and I apologise - I don't wanna hear - Everything that happened at the shower and Vegas - OK, I don't want to hear any more. I don't even want to talk to you. Harry never really wants to talk to me either. He travels a lot. Like, all year. I'm basically by myself. I don't want... I don't feel sorry for you. I really liked that original dress you picked at the bridal store. I thought it was beautiful. You have lovely taste. Thanks, but it's a little too late for that. And I... don't think that Brazilian food really gave us food poisoning. No, it did. I don't think it did. I shit my pants on the way home. I don't think it was your fault. That was my fault. I think people just ask me to their weddings because I'm good at organising parties, but... ..I don't have any female friends. (sobs) I'm so sorry... Why are you smiling, Annie? It's just... It's the first time I've ever seen you look ugly. And that makes me kind of happy. I look ugly? No, I don't. I don't really look ugly. A little bit. You're an ugly crier, but it's OK. I'm not an ugly crier. Maybe just a little bit. No. Just a little bit. It's just my makeup. But I still look pretty good. Yeah. Rhodes! Rhodes! Rhodes. Oh, come on! Rhodes! He's ignoring you. He is. OFFICER! ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW! (MUFFLED) EXCUSE ME! PLEASE! Rhodes, I know you can hear me and I know you're mad at me, but I need your help. Please! You know this guy? What are you doing? I just wanna get his attention. Annie! Oh, my God. Reckless driving! Annie, my hair! What are you doing? I'm speeding! You better pull me over! Really? Here comes the litterbug! Pow! Let's see what Marmaduke's doing. Texting. Talking on the phone while I'm driving. Not even using my hands. Oh, hi! Mmm! Yum yum! Beer! Yum yum yum yum yum! Idiot. (loud rap music) Hey, what's up, man? (Ice Cube) # Terror illustrates my era # Now I can't hang around my Momma cos I scare her # I wanna blast motherfuckers It feels like I'm bustin' a nut I don't care. I don't care. (engine revs) (tyres screech) I'm gonna hurl! I feel really sick, Annie! (Annie) Hey, who's driving that car? Can we go up now? That's not clever. Hey! I'm topless! I'm totally topless! (crump) Really? Wow. Unbelievable. What the fuck are you doing? I don't know. Hey! Are you crazy? Are you crazy? That stuff would've been dangerous for a GOOD driver! I'm sorry. I just... I really need your help. We can't find Lillian. How long has she been gone? She's been missing for 12 hours. 12 hours? It's not a missing person until at least 24 hours. Have you ever seen CSI? 24 hours. Let me get on with my job, Annie. Nathan, please? I really need your help. Please, Nathan. Who's this? Helen. I'm Helen. What? It's Helen. Hello, Helen. I've heard wonderful things. OK, thanks, buddy. Bye-bye. We've traced her cell phone to the corner of Craner and Rose. Do you know where that is? Yes. That is her apartment. I thought you said you looked there. We did. Last night. OK. So you're saying she's at her apartment? She must've gone back after you left. That was crazy of her. Thank God! Thank you. Let's go. OK. We found her! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to waste your time. That's... embarrassing. Thank you. No, you're welcome. It's this kind of high-octane stuff that really made me want to become a cop. "Missing girl found at her apartment." It's... It's adrenaline-pinching. It's nice to see you. I'm glad that you got your taillights fixed. Means I won't have to stop you again. OK. Annie, let's go. Go and save your friend from her apartment. Bye-bye. Bye. Do you mind, actually, if I go by myself? Sure. OK. Lil? Lillian? (groaning) Lil? Go away. What happened? This whole wedding is fucked up. Helen just took over everything, and... ..everything's got out of control. My dad can't afford the wedding and... This has been really hard to do without you. It's... It's been... shitty. I'm sorry. Nope. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I kicked you out of my wedding. It's my fault. No, it's my fault. I think I'm the one with the mental problems. Yeah. Isn't the bride supposed to be crazy? Yes, technically. You kinda stole all the crazy. I out-crazied you. (sniffs) Everything's gonna be OK. Yeah? How do you know that? I left the rehearsal dinner last night. I told Dougie I had to go get Q-tips and... ..all of a sudden I realised I was driving here. I came here. I realised this is the last time I'm going to be here in this apartment. With that couch, and this bed, and take a bath in my bathtub. You know how much I love my bathtub. It's a good tub. I slept in there on my 30th birthday, remember? Uh-huh. Everything's gonna change. I mean, I'm not gonna get to live five minutes away from you. And it makes me so sad. Well, don't be. Don't be sad. Because things are gonna change, but... they'll be better. You know? You're gonna take this huge, great, beautiful step. And Dougie loves you more than anything and... ..so do I. But what about you? What's gonna happen to you? I'm gonna be fine. So don't worry, OK? I'm gonna be... I'm gonna be fine. I am fine. And besides, you need to blaze the trail for me and then report back and tell me what's coming. Whatever you say, boss. Alright, let's get your dress on, OK, and let's go to your wedding. Oh, yeah. That's the other problem. Don't... you... dare... laugh. (chuckles) (both snort) (cackling) OK. I cannot wear this dress! OK, don't panic. Lil... This is a nightmare. We'll fix it. We'll... We'll tweak it... We'll... You will not walk down that aisle unless you look perfect, I promise. Do you have a chainsaw and a blowtorch? (both snort) I think this wedding is gonna be a disaster. No, don't say that. If Helen had anything to do with this wedding, it will be perfect and tasteful and beautiful. That's true. Will you, Douglas, take Lillian to be your wife? Will you love her, comfort her, and keep her and, forsaking all others, remain true to her as long as you both shall live? I do. And will you, Lillian, take Douglas to be your husband? Will you love him, comfort him, and keep him as long as you both shall live? I do. (firework explodes) (they chuckle) By the powers vested in me by the state of Illinois, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride. (fireworks explode / all cheer) Ladies and gentlemen, here with us tonight is Lillian's favourite band singing her favourite song. Put your hands together for Wilson Phillips! (all whooping) Hi, everybody! How we doing tonight? I am not paying for this shit. (whooping and cheering) Really? It's the last one, I promise. The last one. The last one. # I know this pain # Why do you lock yourself up in these chains? # No one can change your life except for you # Don't ever let anyone step all over you # Just open your heart and your mind # Mmm... # Is it really fair to feel # This way inside? # Woh # Someday somebody's gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye # Until then, baby, are you gonna let them hold you down and make you cry? # Don't you know Don't you know things can change # Things'll go your way # If you hold on # For one more day # Can you hold on for one more day? # Things'll go your way # Hold on for one more day Love you. # You could sustain... (laughter) # Or are you comfortable with the pain? # You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness # No, baby # You got yourself into your own mess # Letting your worries pass you by # Oh, baby # Don't you think it's worth your time to change your mind? # No, no # Someday somebody's gonna make you want to turn around... # (smothered laughter) What's so funny? I put a loaded gun in Dougie's carry-on. The TSA is gonna just rip his ass apart. (snorts) Hello. (HORN TOOTS) (BLOWS) Kia ora. (SIGMA'S 'CHANGING' FEATURING PALOMA FAITH) # Hell down, heaven now, livin' in the same town, trying to find somethin' new. Hello. (HORN TOOTS) (BUTTONS BEEP) Hey! # Everythin' is changin'. No, it's a wee one. (OINKS) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) Jambo. Salaam alaikum. (DRONE WHIRRS) Hello. I'm home. (BEEP!) (BEEPING) ALL: Hey! (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) Hello. (BUZZING, CHILDREN CHUCKLE) Hello from the children of Planet Earth. Annie? Oh. Hey. Did you have a nice evening? It was beautiful. Yeah. What did you think of the wedding? It was... It was great. It was great, right? Yeah. It was perfect. It was great. Yeah, it was great. It was really nice meeting you. Yeah, it was... Helen, it was really nice meeting you too. Hey, you know, maybe... sometime the three of us could go to Rockin' Sushi together. Ohhh... Thank you, Annie. I... I would love that. Your ride is here. Hey, how did everything go? Well... strangely well. Oh, good. So I ate your cake that you left. You did? Yeah. I had to fight some raccoons off, but that's OK. I'm pretty strong and tough, so it wasn't much of a contest. I'm just gonna kiss you now... (beeping) 'Officer Rhodes, please report to...' Oh! I'm on duty. And I need to put my uniform on or they'll think I stole the car. Which wouldn't be great. You could ride with me... if you want. You wanna come? Yeah, I do. Come on. Alright. Whoa! Where are you going? I'm getting in the car. You got to get in the back. What? You can't sit in the front, it's against regulations. Come on. You're gonna make me sit in the back? Yeah, come on. Oh! Sorry. Habit. Alright. Force of habit. Can I please get in the front? No. There's a warrant out for your arrest. What? Why? Reckless driving, littering, texting, consuming alcohol while driving. You didn't think I'd let you get away with that, did you? Could we put the siren on? Please? (siren wails) Thank you. # I know that there is pain # But you hold on for one more day # And you break free from the chains # Yeah I know that there is pain # But you hold on for one more day # And you break free, break from the chains # Someday somebody's gonna make you wanna to turn around and say goodbye # Until then, baby, are you gonna let them hold you down and make you cry? # Don't you know Don't you know things can change? # Things'll go your way if you hold on # OK. Um... ..this is tape 119. Air Marshall Jon and I's first sexual encounter. Is there a hungry bear anywhere? Oh, I'm a hungry bear. I have this bear sandwich. Is there a hungry bear? I'm a hungry bear. Did you see how my flap opens? Yeah, that's a good-looking bear sandwich. Yeah, that's a big bear sandwich. Do you wanna bite? Feed me. It's meat and cheeses.