* GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC I remember before I was born, wadded up like a fur ball in the highly overrated foetal position. Luckily I'm not claustrophobic but on rainy days I still feel a tightness in my left shoulder. So, now that my stepmother's pregnant, I understand what the baby's going through. And I'm not jealous at all - really. Not at all. Hey, you're not eating your meatloaf. If I eat it I'll throw up. At least try a little bit. Then I'll throw up a little bit. Are you sure you want to get involved in this? CROSBY, STILLS, NASH & YOUNG'S 'OUR HOUSE' PLAYS (Harry sings along) # For you Only for you # Our house is a very, very, very fine house # With two cats in the yard Life used to be so hard # Now everything is easy 'cause of you... # (Hums melody) Vada, scrunch these chairs together a little more. Dad, I'm trying. The chairs don't 'scrunch'. KNOCK AT DOOR I'll get it. We'll put chairs in the library and pipe the sermon in, like we did with Old Man Hasselmeyer. That speaker makes the minister sound like an astronaut. Oh, hello, Judy. Hi, Arthur. Hi, Judy. Come on in. Hi, Mr Sultenfuss. Look who I found. Hi, Judy. Hi. Come on in. That's OK. It's just a corpse. I know that. You should see a body that's been dead for a couple of days and they haven't found it yet 'cause it was in an apartment and no-one came to visit. Or floating in a river. Then the body turns this weird shade of green - you know, like watery pea soup. The arms and legs deteriorate first. The body looks like a raisin with four fat legs. Anyway, this is why I'm seriously considering cremation. Judy? Judy! I think you lost her on the "raisin with the four fat legs", honey. Did you hear that, Dean? You can stay! Dean? Yeah - Dean Martin. Look at his eyes. CANNED LAUGHTER They're pink. Exactly! Dean Martin! LAUGHTER (Both laugh) Are you kidding? Hamsters don't go to the bathroom. LAUGHTER This exercise wheel works OK... A card came from your Uncle Phil in Los Angeles. He said he went bodysurfing. I can't picture Uncle Phil bodysurfing. I don't WANT to. Vada, I have a favour to ask. Remember, you can absolutely say no. I'm just bringing it up for discussion. But Harry, we decided we weren't going to do this. Do what? Your room is next door to ours. And so we thought - well, I thought - we'd move you to Gramoo's room and use your room for the nursery. We'll be up half the night with our newborn... You want me to move? Well, not far - just down the hall. Gramoo's room is a lot bigger - and there's a view of the neighbourhood. OK. No problem. OK, thanks. Attagirl. (Plays 'Ride of the Valkyries') Harry. Harry! HARRY! DOGS BARK Sorry to interrupt but Vada's upset. Oh, she's fine. She'll love her new room. Look, we react to every kick this baby gives. Maybe Vada's trying to tell us something too. The thing to remember is, you must visualise a spare. The parabola of the arcing ball must intersect with the pyramid of the pins at precisely this angle of attack! (Quietly) "Visualise a spare"? Well, you know what I mean. So, what's on your mind? Me? What makes you think there's something on my mind? You're passing up Archie Bunker to go bowling. You've gotta have an angle. No, I just... thought it would be nice if we had an evening out... so we could...talk. Shelly's already told me all about sex. She told me too - I mean, she told me she told you about sex. I personally knew about sex long before I met Shelly. I figured you did. GRAND FUNK RAILROAD SONG: # A little bit of rhythm and a lot of soul # So come on, come on do the Loco-Motion with me... # Yes! Ah, a strike. Not...not bad at all. This talk isn't about sex. Well, there've been a lot of changes and I know you're upset about losing your room but the baby's gotta go SOMEWHERE. No, it's OK. I understand, really. Honey, that's very mature. I'm proud of you, Vada. Maybe I should just move to China. One kid per family. That way you don't lose your room. Keep your room. We'll put the baby in the backyard. Don't do that. You've got the whole garage. Oh, yeah, right between the mower and the weedkiller. Dad, I'm kidding. You can have the room. Seriously? Seriously. Great. I'm 13. Maybe it's about time I got my own apartment. My mother can't have any more kids. Neither can mine. She's dead. It's Shelly who's pregnant. What do you think? I think I'm leaning towards 'Passion Flower'. "It combines the traditional floral scent "with the musky aroma of sandalwood." What are you staring at? It's Kevin. I don't want him to see me. See you? He can smell you from there. Oh, God, he's coming over here! Act natural, totally natural. Hi, Kevin. Hi. You look cool, Sultenfuss. You look like a grasshopper. (All laugh) What's the matter? He likes you. LIKES me? He said I look like a grasshopper. Boys pretend they hate you when they really like you. That's ridiculous. So, if you can't stand someone, you pretend you're crazy about them? I don't know. And I don't care! Kevin's a jerk and I don't like him anymore! He's all yours! (Thinks) If grasshopper's a term of endearment, I've got a lot to learn. Have you guys thought of any names for the baby? THUD If it's a girl, I'm kind of leaning towards Esme. Esme? That kind of sounds like a noise your nose makes. "Es-ME!" I mean, it's... And if it's a boy? Well, Harry Jr, of course. When a boy likes you, does he pretend he DOESN'T like you? Then how can you tell that he likes you? What boy likes you? It's just a question. It's not about anybody. Uh-oh, here comes puberty. Vada, I think what you're talking about is the fear of rejection. Men will do anything to avoid looking foolish. Oh, Shell, that's ridiculous. Where are my needle-nose pliers? If a boy wants to do homework with you, it means he was scared to ask for a date. You'll pretend to be studying and next thing, you're ordering pizza and talking about your favourite movie stars. So, you're saying... What ARE you saying? Honey...er... Guys don't want to appear over-anxious. If you think a boy likes you, let him know that you like him, so he won't feel it's a risk to ask you out. OK? BREEZY PIANO MUSIC SONG: # I wanna jump but I'm afraid I'll fall # I wanna holler but the joint's too small # Young man rhythm's got a hold on me too # I've got the rockin' pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu # 'Cause I love her badly, but that ain't all # I wanna kiss her but she's way too tall # Young man rhythm's got a hold on me too # I've got the rockin' pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu... # Hi. Hi. Wanna help me choose wallpaper for my new room tomorrow? Er...I dunno... OK if I drink this? It's OK with me. Hi, Kevin. Well, if it isn't Vada, the grasshopper girl. Stop it, Kevin! I was kidding. It's a joke, OK? We were just doing our homework... Next thing you know, you'll be ordering pizza and talking about your favourite movie stars. See ya. (Thinks) In the future, I'll stick to asking Dad for advice on embalming. 'BABY LOVE' MELODY PLAYED ON TUBA (Shelly sings) # Baby, baby # Baby love, my baby love # I need you Oh, how I need you # Why do you do me like you do? # Haven't I been good to you? # So deep in love with you # Baby, baby... # An article said if you sing to the baby it's a calming influence. Assuming the baby's a Supremes fan. Bet your mom sang to you. If it was in an article, probably. She was always reading. Runs in the family. New book? 'The Collected Works of Alfred Beidermeyer'. Her favourite poet. Never heard of him. (Burps) Excuse me. How about a nice glass of milk? With taco chips so I can dunk. You know, Vada, being an older sister, you're going to be very important in this baby's life. (Laughs) They're enormous, I know. Is there milk in them already? No, the milk comes when the baby comes. When did you, um... I mean, um... Oh, I was a very late developer. They used to call me Shelly Two-Backs. All my friends had real bras, not like the training ones I had. Why are they called training bras? It's not like riding a bike. I know. I guess it's preparing you for the rest of your life. It's not easy being a woman. You're telling me. (Thinks) The great writers pondered the meaning of life and death. I've been thinking a lot about my mother, even though I don't have any memories of her. I wish I could see her just once, even in a dream. I know she'd help me figure things out. TEACHER: "Bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray. "Do not go gentle into that good night. "Rage, rage against the dying of the light." What do you think Dylan Thomas is saying here? "Rage against the dying of the light"? He's mad 'cause they shut off his electricity? (All giggle) I think he was referring to life energy, Mr Phillips, which in your case wouldn't cause a power shortage. (All laugh) Vada. The poem is really about attitude. It's about not giving up. I mean, it's easy to be overwhelmed sometimes but that's when we should force ourselves to push on. Alfred Beidermeyer said to "heed the urgent inner voice, "embracing destiny, not choice." That's very good, Vada. Alright, moving on. I want to give you guys a chance to write. (All groan) Hey, listen up. I want you to write about someone very special, someone interesting, someone you admire, someone who's achieved something worth writing about. It's gotta be a stranger, someone you never met. I want you to investigate the personal side. Play Perry Mason, see what you can find. Alright, any ideas? Remember two things - someone who has achieved something and someone you never met. Kevin. Elvis, 'The King'. Elvis, 'The King'. Gavin. Farrah Fawcett. I love to watch that girl run. Why is that, Mr Reeve? Never mind. (All chuckle) Vada, who have you come up with? My mother. Your mother? I never met my mother. I know Mom ate peanut butter and banana sandwiches for breakfast,... but that's not hard-hitting facts. Did I tell you about the pumpkin? No. I bought her this huge Halloween pumpkin. She saved it and it ended up under the Christmas tree. Gramoo said on Christmas Eve there was this sickening smell permeating the entire house. When I picked it up, it exploded and liquified at the same time. (Laughs) It wasn't funny. It soaked clear through Gramoo's oriental. There's still a big spot on the floor. OK, we need wallpaper paste. Hey, Ceese. Isn't there anything else you remember? How did you propose? Was it romantic? Well, I kinda just blurted it out over a root beer float. Mmm, root beer float. That sounds good. Did she mention any contests that she won? I mean, she must have had SOME awards. She was so talented and all. She WAS talented. But honey, I wish I could help you a little more. But we had kind of a whirlwind courtship. She came to town with this theatre group, I proposed on our second date, two weeks later we married and almost nine months later you were here and she was gone. Was it a nice funeral? Oh, yes, lovely funeral. Grinaldi Brothers did a beautiful job - lots of pink roses and I used the white hearse. Hey, how about this flowered wallpaper for your room? How about this? Hi, Mr Owett. Hey, Vada. SCHOOL BELL RINGS How's your report coming? Great. I have so much to say, I hardly know where to start. You know, I've been re-reading Virginia Woolf. I think she'd be a natural for you. She led a fascinating life. Thanks but I'll stick to my mom. She led a fascinating life too. I'm sure she did. Hey, guys. Hi. He was giving you an out so you didn't have to write about your mother. I WANT to write about her. What was her big achievement? Did she invent gravity? No-one INVENTED gravity. It just exists. Then what did she do? I'm not supposed to talk about it but I might as well tell you. She was a spy against the Russians. Oh, please! Who do you think you're kidding? Where did she spy on the Russians from? Here in Pennsylvania? No, not here in Pennsylvania. She went to Russia undercover with her acting troupe and got a lot of highly sensitive secret plans sent back. Just when she was about to go home, she got caught and they killed her. Alright, so when did she have you, between all her acting, spying and getting caught? That's simple. She was pregnant with me when she went to Russia and didn't know. When the Russians found out, they waited to shoot her, 'cause you're not allowed to kill pregnant women anywhere. She had you in jail in Russia? Well, actually I was born in Siberia and then they shot her and sent me home to my dad. Vada, if (BLEEP) wore a bra, you'd be top-heavy. Come on, Judy. Ask anyone, ask my dad. Could be true. SOMBRE MUSIC (Thinks) How come guys talk so much with nothing to say and girls have plenty to say but no-one listens? * I used to sleep on this spot when I was little. (Sighs) My report's gonna be a disaster. Everything I know about her fits into one little box. A box? Oh, Vada, what a sweet baby book! It's only filled out to page two. I was eight pounds, four ounces. There are so many programs. She was in a lot of plays. Dad said that when she was on stage, she held the audience in the palm of her hand. What's this? December 8, 1958? I don't know. Dad doesn't, either. Well, it must mean something. She was obviously very sentimental. This is one of my favourite things - her passport. Oh, Vada, she's so beautiful. "Margaret Ann Muldovan. "Born in Los Angeles, California, February 7, 1936." Aquarius. Margaret's my middle name. But everybody called her Maggie. Los Angeles. Have you ever been there? No. You know, they say that it never rains, that you can barbecue on Christmas Day... ..and instead of riding your bike, you surf to your friend's house. And the place is crawling with celebrities. I know someone who saw Walter Matthau picking up his dry-cleaning. Is that why Uncle Phil moved there? Uncle Phil just needed a change. A little adventure. I wonder why she got a passport if she never went anywhere. You've got to be prepared. I'm definitely travelling someday. Why not now? What do you mean? How'd you like to go visit your Uncle Phil in Los Angeles next week during your spring vacation? You could do research on your mom. What about you and the baby? You need me. I'm not due to have the baby for another six weeks or so. It WOULD be kind of great. It would be fantastic. But Dad'll never go for it. You leave your father to me. Let her spread her wings! She can spread them here. You don't send a child alone to L.A. She'll come back with pierced ears and shaved legs! She's not a child, she's a young woman. She's on the brink of... Disaster! Disaster lurks behind every... palm tree. You're being narrow-minded. Maybe when she's a little older, I'd be happy to... Oh, hi, Vada. We were just having a little... A fight about me. Wouldn't you like to hear my opinion? Of course. I think that if I'm old enough to accept a new baby and a new room, I'm old enough to go to California. Honey, I know it's fun thinking about these things... I already bought a ticket. What?! I used my own money and got a great deal. It's a Q47-NR five-day fare, which means I have to change planes in Dallas and stay over a Saturday. There's no exchanges or refunds, so if you don't let me go, I will have wasted my entire life savings. Uh... But...but I-I-I... Isn't it against the law to sell airline tickets to minors? Don't tell me you aided and abetted this little scheme. Well, Vada needed me. Besides, the airline requires the signature of an adult, and... And they forgot to ask for one who wasn't having hormone surges. Oh, come on, Harry! We're talking about five days here. I think we're going overboard for a simple school assignment. But it's not a little school assignment! Maybe all of this is happening for a reason. Reason? What reason? Bill's moving to L.A., Gramoo's passing, the baby being born, Vada's report... I think maybe all of these are signs. Signs that it's time for Vada to take this trip. Signs? Whoo-oo! Let me get the Loch Ness monster on the phone. You two have a lot to discuss. No, I'm sorry, Vada is NOT going to Los Angeles. I've made my decision and that is final! Remember, don't talk to anyone. Even if a nun sits next to you. No nuns - got it. And no boys. Promise me. Those L.A. people are so corrupt, you'll end up pregnant and on drugs! Don't call me when you wake up wearing a toe tag having been beaten to a pulp by some surfer! And don't make eye contact. It communicates an implied vulnerability. What does that mean? It means... ..I'm a paranoid nitwit who's never let his baby girl out of his sight because he's a paranoid nitwit. So why don't you just say, "Oh, Dad," and get on the damn plane. 'Bye, Dad. I'll miss you. GENTLE MUSIC Thanks. I needed that. I'll be back in 137 hours. Have fun. SONG: # Blue jean baby # L.A. lady... # Not too much. # Seamstress for the band # Greedy eye # Pirate smile # You marry a music man... # VADA: It's hard to believe that my mother's whole life fits into this box. I've just got to think of this stuff as clues. Or good luck charms. # Dancing in the sand... # But I need more than luck to solve this puzzle. I need a miracle. # Now she's in me # Always with me # Tiny dancer in my hand. # P.A.: Flight 167, your baggage is now on carousel 2. Arriving passengers, please see the ticket agent at the Airline Reservations counter. Arriving passengers, please see the ticket agent at the Airline Reservations counter. Are you waiting for someone? Excuse me, I asked you a question. I'm not supposed to talk to strangers. Not even nuns. You're Vada, right? How did you know my name? Your Uncle Phil told me. Where is he? He was supposed to meet me. Relax! You think I kidnapped him or something? This is California. Anything's possible. If I was looking for a victim, I definitely wouldn't pick your Uncle Phil who outweighs me by about 150 pounds! Besides, who would I ask for ransom? You? Are you suffering from a chemical imbalance or is it just an attitude problem? My only problem is that your Uncle Phil's given me $5 to get you but I don't get paid till delivery! Gee, that is a problem. Please be prepared to show your baggage claim check to security personnel. Put that down. I-I'll call the police! What are you gonna do - tell them a polite person helped carry your bag? I don't think you're very polite. I don't think you're very grateful. A lot of people in your position would say thank you. Thank you. Don't mention it. I don't even know your name. It's Nick. There you go. OK. Thanks. Oh, great! No cabs! I have a gift for you. Thanks. No, thanks! He said it was a gift. Yeah, right. I don't need you to be telling me... Taxi! Get in! Get in! You look like a man who knows where he's going. Where are we headed? Take the 405 to Santa Monica. Santa Monica to Whittier, Whittier to Sunset. SONG: # Ooh whoa # Oh-oh-oh Whoa-oh-oh # Ooh whoa # Oh-oh-oh Whoa-oh # Come on and dance Come on and dance # Let's make some romance # And, oh, the night is fallin' and the music's callin' # And we got to get down to Swingtown # We been workin' so hard # We been workin' so hard # Come on, baby # Come on, baby, let's dance # Come on, come on, come on # Come on, come on, come on # Come on, come on, come on # Ooh whoa # Oh-oh-oh Whoa-oh-oh # Ooh whoa # Oh-oh-oh Whoa-oh. # NICK: Here you go. See that building? My grandfather built it. Budapest Auto Repair. That's my room, right up there. One of these days, this is all gonna be mine. Uncle Phil! Vada! Look at you! Oh, hi! Hi, honey. How are you? You look great! How's Shelly? Your dad? They're great. Did Nick take good care of you? He was very polite. Worth the entire $5. Uh-huh. Well, good to know. Thanks. Give it back, Nicholas. But we made a business deal. Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned favour, huh? Now, Irving, our family's been dealing with your company for over 40 years. Now either the chain is here or it isn't. I don't think it's here. Do you want to explain why to the customers? I have enough trouble keeping my weight down, I don't need blubber from you. Do I have to speak to your father? Thank you. Yes, yes - I love you too, Irving. You must be Vada! Oh, what...a...face! If I had a face like that, I wouldn't have to yell so much. I'm Rose. Rose Zsigmond. Nick's mother, among other things. YOU'RE Nick's mother? Did you think he was raised by wolves? Don't be misled by the haircut. Oh, Mom! Who knew when I started working in L.A.'s finest car shop, I'd also find the light of my life? Well, he left out a couple of steps. I've got to do these bills. Help Vada get settled. Come on - I'll show you where you're gonna stay. Here we go! Not what you expected from downstairs, right? Now, we'll put your stuff over here in this closet. You can unpack later. And...this is where you sleep. Luckily, the sofa bed is really comfortable. I can tell you that from personal experience. Bathroom. Do you have to...? No? Rose and my room. She lives here too? Uh...that's right. Like one big, happy family. This is Nick's room, and, er... But...are you engaged or something? Dating. Seriously dating. You thirsty? Want something to drink? Sure you do. Been a long trip. You see, Vada, marriage... marriage is a very big step. And...not something to be entered into lightly. See, I just, er... I just want to make very sure that everything is absolutely right before I go jumping into some kind of... Sounds like you have a fear of commitment, Uncle Phil. That's ridiculous. I'm very...what-do-you-call-it? Committed? Committed. So, does that mean that you sleep here every night? Yes, it does. Well, then, that's not exactly dating, is it? Vada...I know traditionally you're not supposed to do a lot of these things before you're officially married... ..but these are... very, very special circumstances. VADA: When sex is involved, it's always special circumstances. * My parents had a brief but intensely fulfilling relationship. She's remained a woman of mystery to this day. And you're gonna solve the mystery? I got it all figured out. I know she went to Wilson High School, so first thing tomorrow, I'm going to go and get a copy of her yearbook. That way I'll find out who her friends were. And you'll be all set. Sounds like you're very organised. I had to be. I only have five days. So, just point me in the right direction, and... I'll do better than that. I'll give you your own private guide. Me? I'd consider it a personal favour. NICK: ..these dishes. PHIL: It wasn't like you had much planned for this week. It'll be OK. Hey, here you go. What's that? 10 bucks. What's it for? It's for the mini-bike fund. Wow! Well, I know you're not crazy about taking Vada around, so... ..I just want you to know I appreciate it. No problem. You're a good man, Nicholas. Phil, I think you should consider... GENTLE MUSIC GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES SONG: # Doctor, my eyes have seen the years # And the slow parade of tears... # I think Mom went to school in L.A. We've gotta be closing in on the Grand Canyon. And I'm sure for a trip to the Grand Canyon you'd charge a little more than $10. You know, eavesdropping is a very unattractive habit. I wasn't eavesdropping. I was overhearing. I didn't ask for the money. Phil just gave it to me. I know all you care about is your precious mini-bike. It's obvious that you have no sense of historical perspective. I think we're here. Getting off, please. Excuse me. Pardon. Thank you. 'DOCTOR MY EYES' BY JACKSON BROWNE CONTINUES Where's the school? "Due to a devastating fire, June 17, 1963, Wilson High School was closed." I can't believe it! My mother's high school burned down. They obviously have no sense of historical perspective either. It's not funny! What am I gonna do? Without that yearbook, I'm lost. I can't just walk around town looking for someone with a Wilson High School sweater. Vada... What? Calm down. We just ask ourselves where your books come from. They don't appear out of thin air. Watch these machines, now. It's really very nice of you. It's no problem. I had a mother once myself. If it's in here at all, it's in the back two rows. OK. Thank you very much. Happy hunting. I don't mean to alarm you but I'm getting a nosebleed from the altitude. Just remember the needle in the haystack. I never did understand that story. Did someone find the needle or not? What difference does it make? A big difference. If someone found it, we should keep looking. If they didn't, we're just wasting our time. My gosh! Here it is! Look, here she is. Margaret Ann Muldovan. "Newspaper, literary magazine, French club, drama club, glee club, "girls' basketball and swim team. "With Maggie's combo of good looks and talent, "we're sure to see her name in lights." She was gonna be famous. Yearbooks always set you up for disappointment. I want mine to say, "Nick probably won't amount to much "so don't be surprised if you never hear about him again." Can we go? It smells like someone left their gym bag in here. It's the leather bindings. I love the fragrance of vintage books. I love the fragrance of chilli dogs. He was on the school paper with my mom. Great! A full page of Tanakas, 15 with the initial 'D'. This is gonna be tough. Don't forget that girls change their names if they got married. I'll never do that. Get married? Change my name. You think the guy should change his name? I don't think anybody should. Then you can always find them when you need them. What if you don't want to be found? Why do you argue with everything I say? 'WALK AWAY RENEE' BY RICK PRICE PLAYS MAN: You owe me $275! TYPEWRITERS CLATTER Hi. Can I help you? Yes. Does somebody named Daryl Tanaka work here? Sure. Hey, Tanaka! You got company! It's too bad about your mom. But at least she went peacefully. I seen lots of people go out the hard way. What do you remember about her? We worked on the school paper together. I remember when the Legion of Decency declared 'Rebel Without a Cause' unfit. Boy, that Jim Backus - what an actor, huh? What an actor! (Laughs) She wrote this article about censorship and the First Amendment. She was really something. Graduation - some big-deal congressman saying Senator McCarthy was the greatest American ever. Maggie gets up in front of 500 people - walks out. Couple of people followed her too. Took a lot of guts. Wow! You walked out with my mother? You kidding? My parents would have shot me. I was the president of the Young Republicans. Nisei, second generation, hall monitor. I didn't want to start World War III. You saved a lot of lives. You should be very proud. Um, I'm trying to find out her greatest achievement. (Laughs) She was the first girl ever suspended for smoking. Suspended from school? My mother? Everyone was really surprised when Maggie was turned in. She got kicked out for two weeks. What kind of sleazoid geek would turn her in? I'd do it again in a minute. You ratted on my mother? Who are you? Hitler's hall monitor? Maybe you should join a hippie commune. Sooner or later it's gonna be your turn to take out the garbage. What about giving the other guy a break? What about living in the real world, pal? INTERCOM BUZZES MAN: Tanaka! Got a minute? I'll be right there. Oh, er... I'd be a little more careful of who I hung around with. Care for a smoke? This'll be great in my report. My mother was suspended for smoking. I think it's cool. You would. You'd rather have a mother that's a member of the police state? Rules are made to be broken. Just ask him. NIXON ON TV: ..the fact that the President has nothing to hide in this matter. * 'THE FOUR SEASONS' BY VIVALDI PLAYS Hello. Hi. What can I do for you? Er...I'm staying at the Chateau. The guy who runs the garage there said you're the best Jag people in town. Enrique is great and we're the best. Then I have come to the right place. I guess you have. I'm Sam Helburn. Sam. Rose. So what's wrong? Nothing. Nothing at all. I mean...with your car. Oh! Er... Oil change. I...I...just, er... ..drove in from Chicago and, er... Nice hair. Excuse me? I was commenting on your hair. Oh, are you a hairdresser? I'm a...a paediatric cardiologist. Oh. You mean you... ..fix the hearts of little babies? Mostly little babies but, er...not exclusively. It's all in the hands. You have nice hands. Do you operate? Yes, I do. On big fancy cars. So I guess I'll always teach because it makes a good relief from the operating room. I have an obligation to pass along... Hi. Phil Sultenfuss. Oh, sorry. Er...some kind of problem here? No, there's no problem. Dr Helburn just needs his oil changed. Oh, I see. Because usually that doesn't require such a lengthy consultation. Well, Rose was being very thorough. Was Rose? Dr Helburn, why don't you come in tomorrow morning at 8:00? That's when we open. We'll get you started. I'll be here. I look forward to it. I'm sorry. I'll get that tomorrow. Whoa, made it worse! Get that in the morning. Nice wheels. Thanks. Why was he touching you? He wasn't touching me. He was just gesturing. He was caressing. Philip, for God's sake! God? I didn't think you'd invoke God, Rose. He saw even more than I did. Phil, if you want a husband's rights, you should ask me something. Otherwise you should get accustomed to the rights of what you are. Oh? What's that? Right now? An intimate boarder with mechanical skills. VADA: ..much easier. Hi. Should be no problem... Hi. How's the investigation going? Just call us the Dead-End Kids. May I use the phone, please? Yeah, sure. Help yourself. Anyone with taste, anyone with breeding... A gentleman would choose British racing green with maybe a tan interior. But when you buy a red car with a black interior and wire wheels, you have one thing on your mind and I'm too much of a gentleman to say what that thing is in front of the children. 'THE FOUR SEASONS' CONTINUES Even if I am just a glorified boarder. (Changes station) HEAVY ROCK PLAYS Hi, I'd like the number for Stanley Rosenfeld Photos, please. (Band sings) # Close your eyes and I'll kiss you # Tomorrow I'll miss you... # Photography is an artform if you take it seriously enough, which I happen to do. Esther! Esther, you gorgeous thing, you. Oh, Stanley! Smile for the birdy. Hold, hold. Stomach in, Harold. Beautiful! Thank you. Thank you. Your mother was something special, Vada. To tell you the truth, I had a crush on her. Really? Who didn't? She could play basketball like Jerry West, she danced like Cyd Charisse. Then she'd look at you with those big blue eyes - forget about it! I asked her out - she always said no. Lenny, Nancy, you just got married. Look happy, look happy, look like you mean it. CAMERA CLICKS Beautiful! I remember those days. Then we all went off to UCLA. She started hanging around with those drama department types. This one guy, Peter Webb, has become a big director in Hollywood now. The only reason I know him is we were all together in this poetry class with this crazy guy, Albert Boderfelder. Beidermeyer? Beidermeyer! That's it. What a madman. He's a great poet. He is? Did you know him? Everybody did. Walk along Citrus between Fountain and Sunset any afternoon. He'll remember my mother for sure. It was a big class, Vada. And... Of course he'll remember. Who could forget Maggie? Just one more thing. Does this mean anything to you? No, it doesn't, but I wish it did. Well, thanks for your help, Mr Rosenfeld. I'm sorry my mother wouldn't go out with you. She would have had a great time. I'd have tried to show her a good time. I promised her when she left I'd never forget her - I never did. Stanley Rosenfeld does not forget. This is the street he walks down every day. When he needs inspiration... Boy, you're really into this. He is one of the great poets. DOG BARKS I think it's him. He's writing. Hello. If you're selling girl scout cookies, I'm borderline diabetic. You're Alfred Beidermeyer, aren't you? You had to remind me? Are you writing a poem? No, I'm writing the phone company because they keep charging me for calls to Caracas, Venezuela. Do you know anybody in Caracas, Venezuela? No. No. Neither do I. ALARM RINGS "Ask not for whom the bell tolls..." Time for my medication and my nap. Oh! Here, we'll help you carry your stuff. I can handle it. I can handle that. Oh, well...thank you. I'm in the penthouse. Oh. Penthouse A. It's there, over on the left. (Breathes heavily) If he has a heart attack, you're carrying the body down yourself. (Groans) At least it gives you plenty of exercise. It keeps me young. Um, where do you want this? Oh, just put it over there. Do you still teach? No, no, no. I gave it up 10 years ago. Actually, it gave me up. My mother took this course with you at UCLA. 'Foundations of Poetic Thought'. UCLA! My cardigan sweater period. Her name was Maggie Muldovan. Oh. Remember her? I've been blessed with a very bad memory. People say she looked like me. I was drinking a little in those days. And drinking a little THESE days too. I'm sure she found your lectures fascinating. Oh, I doubt it. (Garbling) Lectures are notoriously boring. No, they're not. I want to be a writer. I want to be just like you. Hmph! Me?! My dear, this is not a country that rewards poetry. This is a country that rewards gas mileage. Besides, people don't read poetry anymore. They watch television. Don't be a poet. Be a TV repairman. Vada, come on. Got a place I always go when I need cheering up. The tar pits? This is where you come to cheer up? Look at it this way. However bad I feel, it isn't as bad as becoming extinct in a bottomless pit of tar. And I thought I was weird. You ARE weird! Let's just go. Oh, no, wait. I like that you brought me here. Hey, what do I care? I mean, consider the source. A chick from Pennsylvania who wears a mood ring. This isn't just a mood ring. Does it work? Well, it doesn't open cans or anything, but... ..it's sort of a reminder of a friend of mine. Boyfriend? Well, he was a boy, he was my friend. He was my best friend. When we were kids we were gonna move out here and live with 'The Brady Bunch'. Then...I lost this ring in the woods. And when he went to find it... ..he got stung by bees and he died. Do you think your friend's up in heaven now? Looking down on you, watching you all the time? Well, I hope he's not watching me all the time. Let me see if it changes colours on me. Er...OK. But...be careful. It has a lot of sentimental value. Maybe it'll fit my pinkie. Don't force it, you'll break it. I won't. I just want to see it change colours. I want it back now. I never should have taken it off. Relax, I won't break it. Give it to me! Come and get it! Just give it to me! Come and get it! Don't! Come on! Whoa! Watch it! Don't! Uh-oh. What do you mean, 'uh-oh'? I dropped it. In the tar?! It was an accident. I'll get you a new one. Where are you going? Oh! Vada, wait up! Wait! What are you doing? You can't go in there? Oh, no?! It's dangerous! Leave me alone! That ring is all I have left of Thomas J. I have to get it! You mean this ring? (Laughs) Jerk! You idiot! Oh! You hit pretty good... for a girl! * ROSE: Nicholas! (Whispers) What are you doing up? Uh...ah... I'm thirsty. There's water in your bathroom. I want juice. Don't wake up Vada. I won't. MAN: I think Maggie could have been in films. She had talent! God knows, that face was made for close-ups. Everything was...magic with Maggie. I remember we were walking down Hollywood Boulevard one night. We put our feet in the stars' footprints, like the tourists do. Maggie couldn't believe it. Her feet were the same size as Judy Garland. Of course, mine matched perfectly with Orson Welles. (Laughs) Just kidding! You should call Hillary Mitchell. She and Maggie were very close. She's got this funky little clothing store over here on Melrose. I'd call her for you, but we kind of had this thing. (Laughs) Got a little messy. Thanks. Um...would you know what this is? Well, not really. It could be the date of an opening, an audition...um, birthday. Hmm? It's not my birthday! I don't know. Who writes dates on paper bags? My mom. Whoa! I have to get to dailies. Must break this up. Thanks for your time. I know you're very busy. You are Maggie all over. Let me know if you ever want to be a movie star. You got the face for close-ups too. Thanks. What a dufus. We may have coffee after the meeting, so don't expect us before midnight. There's plenty of fruit. You know where the fire-extinguisher is. If the fruit bursts into flames, I'll be prepared. You're so clever! Are you alright, honey? I'm just tired. Get to bed early and don't let anybody in. 'Bye! Lock the door. 'Bye. FOOTSTEPS LEADING AWAY We have lift-off. Joan Crawford! Oh, I love her. Here's the Marx Brothers. Carole Lombard, my dad's favourite. Never heard of her. Montgomery Clift! Wait till I tell Shelly! Here's Judy Garland! My mother stood on this very spot. I'm afraid your feet won't fit there. That's because I was cursed with the Sultenfuss bear claws. My hands fit. Big deal! (Coughs) What's he smoking? What do you think? Really? Hey, look! This is a totally barbaric custom. So if Phil marries my mom, she'd be your aunt, right? Right. And you'd be my cousin? Yeah, I guess. Sort of. But we wouldn't really be related, right? Oh, no, we wouldn't be from the same bloodlines or anything. We'd be like two total strangers who accidentally had relatives who got married. Good! I mean... Marriage can really complicate things. So...aren't you going to say anything about my earrings? I already did. It's a totally barbaric custom. But on you... ..it looks good. We should've called. It's not THAT late. You're grounded till you're 50! You're overreacting. Make that 60! I'm docking your allowance for two weeks. Mom! Think this is easy for me? You go out, and I'm the bad guy? I don't want you to be some hoodlum. I can't parent you without your support. It's not his fault. No, it was me. And I'm sorry, Mom, really. Just tell me what to do. I'll do anything. Go to your room. And you...I don't suppose your father gave you permission to pierce your ears? Not exactly. Well, just don't shave your legs. He'll never let you visit us again if you go home hairless and full of holes. CLASSICAL PIECE BY LISZT PLAYS Good morning. Well, maybe for you. Is something wrong? Let's just say you're lucky you deal with kids who are under anaesthesia. Well, even without anaesthesia, I always tell my patients to... ..to RELAX. Isn't it time for your coffee break? There must be some place we can go, talk. Oh, no, I couldn't. You couldn't? Oh, I'm sort of involved. Sort of? Let's just say I'm...I'm involved. Where I come from, involvement generally calls for a substantial piece of jewellery. Oh, well, I don't wear a lot of jewellery. Alright, so you don't like jewellery, but you do like good music. Liszt. One of my favourites. Liszt was my parents' favourite. They were Hungarian. Hungarian. Famous for their beautiful music. And beautiful WOMEN. Dr Helburn, what a surprise. In the last couple of days, we've changed your oil, realigned your brakes, balanced AND rotated your tyres, aligned your front end and flushed out your entire cooling system. I wasn't expecting to see you for another 3,000 miles. Well, what can I say? I just feel so welcome here. And you are. I'll come in first thing in the morning, you can check out that left blinker for me. Oh, sure. OK. I'll see you then. I look forward to it. We really ought to flush out that line of bullshit he's got. "Hungarians are famous for their beautiful women." What's wrong with a little flattery? What's wrong with a little appreciation? Are you saying I don't appreciate? He asked me out for coffee like a real date. When's the last time you did that? We have a date every night. That's not a date. A date is when I don't cook. I do the dishes. VADA: I'd go to a fortune teller, but they can only predict the future. I need someone who can predict the past. BELLS JINGLE WEST ASIAN MUSIC PLAYS Hi. Can I help you? Are you the Hillary Mitchell who went to school with Maggie Muldovan? Maggie Muldovan. Did you know her? She's her daughter. Vada. Oh! Of course! (Effusively) Oh, look at you! Well, it's the eyes, mostly. And the hair too. And now she's gone. She's gone. She'll never get to see how well you've turned out. (Emotionally) Oh! Oh, my God! Maggie! You poor thing! (Sobs) It's OK, really. I was just a baby. (Cries) I'm sorry. It's just... I've been taking all these seminars to get in touch with my feelings, and sometimes it gets out of hand. Here. Oh, thank you. You're very sweet. So how did you find out where I was? Peter Webb told us. Peter? You saw Peter? OH, GOD! God! (Sobs) Um... Oh, forgive me. Oh, gosh, I'm making such a scene here. Why don't you have a seat? Thanks. I remember Maggie. And your dad too! You know, we used to all pile into his old '54 Ford pickup. 'Chuck the Truck', we used to call it. It was pitch black, with a red leather interior. Does he still drive that? No, but sometimes he drives a hearse. He's an undertaker. You're kidding. Jeffrey Pommeroy's an undertaker?! His name's Harry Sultenfuss. Oh. (Realising) Oh! What are you saying? Um... Look, I... Are you saying Mom had another husband? Oh, honey. Back then people did crazy things. They sure did. They got kicked out of school, they married truck drivers. These are my mother's greatest accomplishments? I'm sure glad I came out here to find them out! Vada, wait up! Just because your mother was married before doesn't mean... It doesn't mean anything. Maybe not, but maybe it does. If no-one told me about this, maybe they're trying to hide something. Like what? Maybe this Jeffrey guy is my real father. I mean, look at me. I have the hair of a dead person. And my nose... No-one in my family has this nose. It could be the nose of a complete stranger. I mean... I came out here to find out about my mother, and I found... (Cries) Don't cry. Come on. The lady in there looked pretty flaky to me. What about Phil? Maybe he knows something about all this. At least you should talk to him before you get worked up. Before I get worked up? You don't think this is worked up? The thing you said about your nose... ..that it was a stranger's nose? Well, it's not. It's... I mean... It's yours. You know? Nick. Yeah? This has been a real confusing day. * How could Dad let me find out like this? I'm gonna call him and make him tell me everything. Ah, sweetie, I wouldn't... Don't worry, I'll do it in my own subtle way. PHONE RINGS Hello? Sultenfuss Parlour. Hi, Dad. Hi, honey. I just called to say I'm having a really great time. Good. Did you go over and watch them tape 'Carson'? Actually... ..I want to see Jeffrey Pommeroy. Is he some kind of a new rock star? Yeah. Totally groovy, huh? Totally. Ask him if he needs a good tuba player. I will. How's Shelly? Oh, she's fine. The doctor just told her to stay in bed and get some rest, just to make sure... OK. 'Bye, Daddy. I love you. I love you too, sweetie. 'Bye. My love to Shelly. (Sighs) Shelly's sick. I have to get to the bottom of this whole thing and get back. She'll be alright, baby. Yeah, right. It's pointless to worry. I'm not authorised to trace licences for civilians. His name is Jeffrey Pommeroy and he used to drive a '54 Ford pickup. Black with red interior. Please? NICK: Give us a break. You just have to make a phone call. I thought I told you to lose this guy. Look, Sergeant. I know I said some things last time I shouldn't have said, but... I think the phrase was 'sleazoid geek'. I'm sorry, OK? We gotta find this guy because he knew Vada's mom. He could tell her stuff that no-one else knows. You're asking me to break the law. We're asking you to stand up with Maggie Muldovan like you should have years ago. Yeah. This is Sergeant Tanaka. I need a current address for a Jeffrey... Pommeroy. ..Pommeroy. He may or may not be driving a black '54 Ford pickup. Monday. I'm leaving Sunday. Could you hold on for a second? Look, I can't get priority without a criminal charge. So charge him with something. Who's gonna know? Me, I'll know. Do you want to be a hall monitor all your life? Hello. I'm gonna need this right now. This guy... ..we think he might be going after the Governor. 20 minutes? Fine. Call him. The worst he can do is hang up. Before I can talk to him, I have to see his face. How's this for a solution? We'll take a drive over to his place, you can introduce yourself... I'd like to see his house, but I don't know if I'd have the nerve to just go and knock on his door. I don't think I can go through with it. Then we'll keep driving. You'll decide. (Rod Stewart sings) # Someone like you # Makes it hard to live without # Somebody else # Someone like you... # You're awfully quiet. Do you think I should tell my dad about Jeffrey Pommeroy? I don't know. He's got a lot on his mind right now. Maybe someday, when the time is right. Maybe. Then again, your dad's got his own memories and he's got his own life now. I think this is a secret, just between you and your mom. A secret. I like that. This is it, I guess. Well...I've come this far. Least I can do is knock on the door. Want me to come with? I should do this myself. OK. Take your time. I'll go for a walk around. OK. Go ahead, honey. Go ahead. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH Hi there. Can I help you? Are you Jeffrey Pommeroy? I sure am. Who are you? I'm Vada Margaret Sultenfuss. My mother was... Maggie. Maggie's little girl. Well, I was hoping I'd get to meet you. You mean...you knew about me? WOMAN: Who is it, honey? It's Maggie's little girl Vada. Oh. Oh, my. This is my wife Emily. Hi. Hi. Um... You come in for a minute? I'd like to. Thanks. Mommy! Daddy! I painted you a rainbow! Come and see! This is Vada. This is our little girl Katie. Hi. (Shyly) Hi. Um... Why don't we let Daddy and Vada visit for a little while? OK. OK. 'Bye. 'Bye. She looks a bit like me when I was little. Does she? I'm glad you're here. You are? Yeah. Come on. Let's talk. We had this school assignment to write about someone we'd never met. I chose my mother. She was born in Los Angeles. Since my Uncle Phil moved here, I visited. I looked in her high school yearbook, called some people and someone said she went to UCLA. Another guy said I should call Hillary Mitchell... Hillary Mitchell? How's she? Oh, she's great. She's a little crazy though. Anyway, Hillary said you had a black Ford truck. This policeman I know got in touch with Motor Vehicles, gave me your address and here I am. (Laughs) I told you it was a long story. Know what? You sounded just like your mother. She told great stories. Stories with crazy accents and special effects. Special effects? Like switching a lamp on and off while she talked about lightning. Audiences love stuff like that. Your mom knew how to work an audience. I don't know very much about her. I was hoping you could help me. I'll try. No-one else knows what this means. (Chuckles softly) See, thing is, we always wanted to work in the theatre, so we drove out to New York. To Broadway, where it was... where it was all happening. And New York was just full of fancy French restaurants and we wanted to get married in one, but we were totally broke. So your mom found this little coffee shop with tables around the back and real tablecloths on 'em and a minister who worked cheap. But when we got to the coffee shop, there was a sign saying, "Closed by the Board of Health". By that time it had started snowing, so...we just got married right outside in the snow. It was freezing... ..but it was wonderful. For our wedding feast, we had a bag of hot roasted chestnuts. This is the bag. And she saved it. Well, we didn't have a camera, so she just wrote the date on the bag and said, "This'll be our wedding album. "This'll be a day we'll never forget." We never did. Do you have any pictures of her? I've got something better. We called ourselves 'The Appearing Nightly Players'. (In European accent) Darling! Oh, where is my chauffeur? You don't mean I should walk to the stage? An actress of overwhelming talent! She's beautiful. We performed on the beach one summer. (Chuckles) Everything went wrong. (Shrieks and giggles) (Inaudible) Come on, Maggie! Come on. Send me away happy. Send him AWAY! (Sings) # Smile though your heart is aching # Smile even though it's breaking # When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by # If you smile through your fears and sorrows # Smile and maybe tomorrow # You'll see the sun come shining through # If you light up your face with gladness # Hide every trace of sadness # Although a tear may be ever so near # That's the time you must keep on trying # Smile # What's the use of crying? # You'll find that life is still worthwhile # If you just smile. # (People sigh happily and applaud) That's beautiful. Thank you. Oh... You do it all the time. That was beautiful. Thank you. (Sighs) She had a beautiful voice. (Sniffs) Would you like to... have these movies? More than anything in the world. It's good to see Maggie again. And you. Um... Didn't you ever wonder about me? I didn't know about you till after she was gone. I thought that...maybe you'd be curious about how I turned out. I'd say you turned out just fine. I guess what I mean is my mother married my dad after you and then I was born. I thought maybe you got divorced because of me. Wait! Whoa. Wait a minute. Do you think I'm your father? Well... Honey, I'd be proud to be your father. Really. Just isn't so. Maggie wanted to have a baby. And, um, I didn't. Oh. She didn't want to miss out on anything, especially motherhood. Got to be a real problem with us. I thought she had plenty of time. She didn't. Anyway, that's why I was grateful that she met your father. He had the sense to love her the way she deserved. Most of all, I was glad that she had you. The baby she always wanted. I want you to know that. * I'll use the movies when I give my report. Jeffrey says audiences love special effects. You better ace it. You sacrificed your whole vacation. Well, it's a wonderful story with a very happy ending. CAR APPROACHES Sorry, Doc. We close for business at 3:00. Oh, this isn't business. You know, I found this wonderful little Hungarian restaurant that makes its own strudel. I thought you might like a taste of the old country. See, there's apple in there and cherry and this is, um, cheese, but I gotta say I think the cherry is really... OK. That...that does it. The strudel does it. First the brakes and then... I won't let some podiatrist with a Jaguar full of strudel waltz in... I'm not a podiatrist. I'm a cardiologist. Who cares? Rose, tell him we have an arrangement. Well...what kind of arrangement? Yes. What kind of arrangement? I'd be very interested to know what kind of arrangement we have. You know EXACTLY what kind it is. Come on, Rose. What do you want from me? Nothing you don't want to give me. You shouldn't settle for any less than you deserve. If I had a red XK150 with a black interior, I wouldn't be handing out relationship advice. I don't think the interior's colour... This isn't the place to have... This place is just fine. You know how I feel about you. You like the way I cook? You think I make out a great invoice? You and Nick and this... garage are my whole life. I love you. Sure, you don't have the greatest taste in music, but...there's not another woman who could look so sexy in that smock. What I'm trying... what I'm trying to s... What I mean to say... Rose, will you marry me? You really think I look sexy in a smock? Is that a yes? (Sighs) Thanks for everything. You're the best. No. You're the best. Don't talk to anybody on the plane. Dad already gave me this lecture. He's meeting me at the airport then we'll go for pizza then have dinner in bed with Shelly. Sounds great. Give 'em one of these for me. 'Bye, Aunt Rose. 'Bye, niece Vada. Thanks. Well...'bye. POIGNANT MUSIC Listen...I-I'm sorry. You had to sacrifice your entire vacation. Some sacrifices are worth it. You mean it wasn't that terrible? I wouldn't say it was terrible. It was...kind of... An adventure? Part adventure. Part miracle. Write me a poem? No? I'll write you 10 poems. P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your final boarding call. 'Bye. 'Bye. Look in your backpack. OK. UPBEAT POP MUSIC SONG: # Well, it's been building up inside of me # For I don't know how long # I don't know why but I keep thinking # Something's bound to go wrong # But she looks in my eyes # And makes me realise # And she says # Don't worry, baby... # (Reads) "In memory of barbaric customs. Love, Nick." # Don't worry, baby # Don't worry, baby... # (Thinks) Life is full of barbaric customs. I just hope they all end with a kiss like that. Arthur, where's my dad? He took Shelly to the hospital. Is she OK? Well, she was making a lot of noise. Dad! What happened to Shelly? She just had a baby, that's all. You have a baby?! Mm-hmm. A boy. You've got a new brother. Can I see him? Do anything you want. You're his sister. Hey. What's on your ear? Shelly? Hey! (Baby gurgles) Mmm. Look. (Laughs) He's so tiny. I know. Look at his little hands. I'm sorry I couldn't pick you up, honey. I was pushing as fast as I could. Did it hurt a lot? (Chuckles) You have no idea. (Cries) Shh. Let me hold him. OK. Got his head? Yeah. He's really light, isn't he? Yes. Maybe he's wet. Maybe he's hungry. It's OK. You just have to sing to him. (Sings) # Smile though your heart is aching # Smile even though it's breaking # Although a tear may be ever so near # That's the time you must keep on trying # Smile # What's the use of crying? # You'll find that life is still worthwhile # If you just smile. # VADA: Things haven't exactly calmed down around here. I got an A+ on the report, Dad's getting used to my pierced ears, and Nick's coming to visit this summer. Other than that, I'm busy being a big sister. I like to tell my brother about my mom, how I met her friends and found how special she was. She may not have her footprints in cement, but she definitely left her imprint on the world. I told him that, even though it sounds conceited, her greatest achievement was me. (The Temptations sing) # I've got sunshine # On a cloudy day # When it's cold outside # I've got the month of May # I guess you'll say # What can make me feel this way? # My girl, my girl, my girl # Talking about my girl # My girl # I've got so much honey # The bees envy me # I've got a sweeter song # Than the birds in the trees # Well, I guess you'll say # What can make me feel this way? # My girl, my girl, my girl # Talking about my girl # My girl # Oooh-ooh-ooh Supertext Subtitles Copyright 1997 Australian Caption Centre # Hey, hey, hey # Hey, hey, hey # Oooh-ooh # Yeah # I don't need no money # Fortune or fame # I've got all the riches, baby # One man can claim # Well, I guess you'll say # What can make me feel this way? # My girl, my girl, my girl # Talking about my girl # My girl... # Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2017