Captions by Ericsson Access Services. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016 (SWING MUSIC) # How lucky can one gal be? # I kissed him and he kissed me # Like my daddy once said Ooh! # "Ain't that a kick in the head?" # The room was completely black # I hugged him and he hugged back # Like the sailor said, quote... # # "Ain't that a hole in the boat?" # My head keeps spinnin' # I go to sleep, I keep grinnin' # If this is just the beginnin' # My life is gonna be # Beeeautiful # I've sunshine enough to spread # It's just like the fella said # Tell me quick # Ain't love a kick # In the head? # I could... # WOMAN: Yes! Whoo! MAN: About time! Sorry. The bathroom's mine! I'm going to the pub. You're both invited. # Oh, ain't love a kick # Tell me quick # Ain't love a kick # In the heeead? # What? It's the Olympics. Exactly! So the whole city's on heat! This party I'm going to - swarming with eligible men. Swarming. I told you, I'm taking a time-out from men. You don't need a time-out. You need a dirty pash. I read this millennium is all about SELF-love. Romantic love, it's a capitalist, paternalistic construct. You just keep telling yourself that. Mares, you cannot just roll up the drawbridge on your girl bits. What if you miss out on someone spectacular? When was the last time we met anyone approaching spectacular? Brad Pitt. He could leave Jennifer Aniston and the two of you could fall in love. Then what? Either we break up eventually or Brad dies and I'm left devastated. Aw! OK. (LAUGHS) I've depressed myself. Let me get ready. Yoop! So maybe I'll do a quick swing by with Andrew and meet up with you later on. Eligible local men, all revved up on the love of sport and country. I really do need a wingman. (CACKLES) You are gonna regret this decision! (SQUEALS AND LAUGHS) RADIO COMMENTATOR: Thorpe is making his move. Thorpe and Hall. The crowd is lifting. Thorpe and Hall! BOTH: (SCREAM) Come on, Thorpie! Thorpe is going in! (BOTH CHEER) Australia wins! A new world record! Hey. Can I just see your ID? Yeah, sure. Bea. Hey. Oh, hi! Ohhh! This is my housemate, Mary. Hi! Thank God! Everyone, meet Andrew and Mary. ALL: Hi. Hi. We've got Europe pretty much covered here. Bruno and Felipe from Spain. Hi. Hi. Nikolaos from Greece. Hi. Hi. Mwah. Martha Louise, Norway. Hello. Andrew. How are you? Hi. And Fred and Joachim from Denmark. Hello, Mary. Hi. Mwah. Mwah. Hello. Hi. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Mary from Tassie. Who wants margaritas? (ALL CHEER) It's true. My friend knows the official waxer. They're all hairless. Like those cats for asthmatics. But Thorpie's only 17. He wouldn't have that much hair, would he? JOACHIM: Gay. Really? Yep. That's the rumour. I don't care if it makes you faster. You're not a man if you do not have hair on your chest. (ALL LAUGH) What are you saying, Niko? That I am less of a man than you? I didn't say that, but... Let's see what Mary's preference is, huh? Yeah, feel this... (LAUGHS) ..and then tell me I'm not sexy. Go on, Mary. ANDREW: Feel his chest. OK. OK. Oooh! Right, we're done. Denmark's turn. Oh, we're doing this? Yes. Let's let Tasmania decide. Oh, here we go. ANDREW: Come on, Mary! Good luck. # Da-da-da-da! # I'm gonna have to go with Fred. (ALL CHEER) ANDREW: There it is! JOACHIM: Gold medal for Denmark, everyone. Cheers! You took four months off work? You should see the northern lights from up there, Mary. It's like standing on the moon. Hey, Mary, if Pingo's telling you his Greenland stories, he is giving you his A game. 'Pingo'? Yeah. It's a nickname. It's our round. No. No, no, no. No, no. No, no. Next time we're in Denmark, you can take us out. One of them was talking about a summer palace. And those two guys over there by the window in the corner? Bodyguards, I bet. (LAUGHS) We'd KNOW if they were royalty. Would we? There are monarchies leeching off taxpayers all over Europe. Is that on the same Amex? Black. In the flesh. Yeah, we're all wondering back here. (CHUCKLES) Who the hell are your mates? You've gotta tell me who! FRED: Why does it matter? Because we don't get royalty in Australia. OK. Felipe there is the Crown Prince of Spain, and Martha Louise is the Princess of Norway. So you want to talk to THEM now? No, I'm good, thanks, talking to you! ('DON'T CALL ME BABY' PLAYS) # You and me, # we have an opportunity... # I've figured it out. What? You're a dag! Is that good? Photo! Come on, get in. Quick, get in, guys. Uh, no, let me take it. Oh, Mary doesn't do photos. Something about her smile. OK. Everybody say 'Syderney'! ALL: Syderney! WOMAN: Whoo! (ALL LAUGH) Mary! Dance! # You got some nerve, and, baby, that'll never do # You know I don't belong to you... # And now your classic Sydney experience is complete. Mmm. You've, um...you've got a... Mashed potato. Oh. So, if I wanted to see more of the city's highlights? Oh. Um... This is me at work, and my mobile. You'd better make your move now. Because we've got to get his drunk, princely ass home before the paps descend, eh? I thought it was Felipe who was... Uh...no, well, he is, but we are all royal in a... in a technical sense. JOACHIM: I am merely the spare to my brother's heir. His Royal Highness Prince Frederik Andre Henrik Christian, Crown Prince of Denmark and our future fearless king. (LAUGHS) Come. Come. Hey, Fred, the cars are here. Let's go. Come on. Get in the car. See you, Mary! ALL: Bye, Mary! ANDREW: I told you they were royalty. (ENGINE STARTS) Did you just curtsy? Felt appropriate. Lost my keys and my phone. Worst party ever. What happened to you guys? (MODEM BLEEPS) This is not even a product of in-breeding. This is legit Prince Charming hotness! It's a bit smug, don't you reckon? Pretending to be someone else? No, it's the karmic law of the universe. You say that you're done with men, and then, bam - enter Prince. You know that's not how karma works? Ask the internet if he has a girlfriend. That's too stalky. I'm going to bed. Ohh... She's...perky. Yeah. JOACHIM: Here he is. Your call lists, and today's schedule. I think Princess Alexandra is a little anxious. Terrific. The Queen has asked me to remind you how much she hopes this is a successful international visit. I got you a pie. She wants you to have fun, of course, but it is a chance to counter perceptions. I think you just made that "fun" bit up. Well, he's a two-year-old, darling. That's what they do. Listen, if you don't mind, can we discuss my terrible reputation in the morning? Of course. Sleep well, Your Highness. You too, Thorny. (SIGHS) ANDREW: "Frederik the turbo prince". "Pingo the playboy prince". I like him already. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Dad? FRED: Uh, no. (CLEARS THROAT) No, it's Fred, from tonight. (SQUEAKS) Booty call. So, what have you found out about me? What? Nothing. I don't know what you're talking about. No! Ask him about Perky! So, is this a favourite party trick of yours? Make fun of the commoners by pretending to be one of them? (SIGHS) Should I have worn my crown? Do you have a crown? Yes. I have several. They're an important statement piece for us modern royals. So, Joachim and I are going to the outback tomorrow, and...I was hoping I could call you when I return. Yeah. If...if you'd like. OK. Well, uh...goodnight, Mary, commoner from Tassie. Goodnight... ..Crown Prince Frederik. Yes! It's been over a week. (COMMENTATORS CHAT ON TV) You should have locked in a second date. It's a good thing. It was a fun night, and that's where it stays. Maybe he doesn't have reception, huh? Enough! You do know you're both better than this. What are you...? You can't call him! The rule! Andrew! Beatrice. Hi. Uh...we were wondering if you'd heard from... Right. Handball. Today. You...you know, Mary loves handball. All balls. She's very sporty. Can you get a plus-one? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That would be awesome. She'll be there. Yay! MARY: This is a bad, bad idea. This has tipped over into real-life stalking. If he wanted to see me... It's a casual bump-in. You like him. You never like anyone. I liked him when he was normal. Hi! Ooh! Hi! Amber, Beatrice. Thank you for the tickets. Oh...yeah. The game's almost over. I figured we'd just talk our way in. (CROWD ROARS INSIDE STADIUM) Beatrice Tarnawski. Ms Tarnawski's been cleared. I'll find the boys and be straight back. Don't rate our chances there. Mary's also a friend of Prince Frederik's. Tell him, Mares. I met him at the Slip Inn. I'm sure. The Prince has a lot of friends. The problem with your spectacular is it's too shiny. You get blinded. Well, what's your alternative? Only going with the lukewarm option? FRED: Hello? I told you, I don't want to go for anyone. Not now, Thorny. Mary! Mary! Mary from Tassie! All that's missing is a white horse. Hi. Beatrice said you came to see me. Hi! I'm the best friend. Amber. Hello. Actually, we were just stopping by, but we have a thing... We won. Gold. Yay, Denmark! Congrats. Well, we're not Australia. We never win anything. But you both, you'll come and celebrate with me as my guests? Mary...will. (WHISPERS) I'll see you at home. Hi. WOMEN: # Det staar med brede boege # Naer salten oesterstrand # Naer salten oesterstrand... # OK. I'm going to go. Keep it up. Keep it up. # Det bugter sig i bakke, dal... # Hi. Do you want to go AWOL? MAN: Frederik, come on! Come on. # Og det er Frejas sal... # So, what does it translate to? Uh, "the land of salty beaches" and "the bones of bloody Vikings". So, it's uplifting? Oh, Danes are the happiest people on earth, apparently. Isn't there official schmoozing you need to do? Oh, my brother's the public speaker. He can handle it. So, your city. Where to? (PHONE RINGS) Give me your hand. Thank you. Thank you. At least you're a hit with the over-70s. My mormor - grandmother - she more or less raised me. Best person I know. What about your parents? It's complicated. This is MY salty beach. No bones of bloody Vikings. There could be cameras! No. It's too dark. Anyway, this is my best angle. (SHRIEKS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Whoa! What? Australians are not naked people? I've seen the supermodels you hang out with! Oh, you HAVE looked me up, then! Ha-ha! I may have stumbled across a few photos. Du er saa sexet. You are so sexy. (BOTH LAUGH) Nej, Thorny. Jeg er OK. Premises are secure. Tak. Goodnight, ma'am. Ja, OK! Thanks! Um...if you...if you get cold, you could always... ..crash on the...couch. You can only go AWOL for so long, huh? My adviser's insisting on a full background check. Any secrets we should know? I stole a Wizz Fizz once. A Wizz Fizz? Mum made me take it back. You are a dangerous woman! Your clothes are probably dry. Why don't you... make yourself at h...? Not at home. Clearly, this isn't a castle... Mary. Mary. Are you OK? I know all of this can be a mood-killer. Just...give me a sec. (SPITS) Is that a boyfriend? Oh, no. That's long over. To be honest, I'm not a big...fan of... the one-night... Oh. Oh, well, I... I don't know what YOU were thinking, but me.... ..I'm here to spoon. Well, he was family. Not in an incestuous Tasmanian way, but... ..Brent and I thought we'd be together forever. And then... This is gonna exit fun territory for a bit. Then my mum died. When? Three years ago. She always had a heart condition, but... And it was manageable, but then she retired and she decided to get it fixed. The valve. She was going travelling with Dad. For his work. He's a professor. Mary. She was so young. 55. Even with Brent, I felt alone. But you still have him on the wall. We were together seven years. Mm-hm. How do you deal with your exes? (CHUCKLES) Well, my mormor says that the threads of the past should not be cut, but neither should they keep us caught in the past. OK. (LAUGHS) What about current girlfriends? Well... You look like you're trying to solve a maths problem. It's a...wrestling match in here. Higher brain functions and logic versus... She would have pashed him, maybe, and then talked about her five-year plan. (LAUGHS) I'll give you $2,000 for one bite. Ah. See, you say that, but I've actually been burnt before. Hi. I need to see some identification. Mate, we live here. Is it your job to take the bullet? He's the Whitney to your Kevin, or...? Your Highness. Oh, no, no, they're fine. They're fine. Um...hey, guys. (CHUCKLES) Pancakes? Uh...great. Dessert. Hey, guys. Big night? Not as big as yours. Or was it? Yeah, it was pretty big. Yep. I can't watch this. I really wish I could stay longer, but this trip has been scheduled... Don't worry. Last night got a bit intense, but...we don't have to drag it out. So you don't want me to call you? I'll still think... I'll always think you're a good guy. It's cool. Cool? Mm. So... ..safe travels. Bye! Bye. (SIGHS) Shut up. (CAR DRIVES AWAY) (SIGHS) (SNIFFS) Oh! (GRUNTS) ('WEIR' BY KILLING HEIDI PLAYS) (PHONE RINGS) (SIGHS) # Old friend of mine, we will # Never lose the time that we # Shared all these years... # Hello? Or...what are you doing in three weeks' time? Because I could come back before I...I fly to Europe. You know, unless this is the Australian way. I mean, use a guy for his body and his pancakes and then just... No. Three weeks...could work. OK. # Yeah # Will you make it in the end? # Through all the twists and bends... # FRED: "Mary from Tassie, To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself. "PS - you're hot." It's great! This is good. It makes me look... Nice. MAN: Oh. Sorry, sorry. # Ooh, # yeah # Will you make it in the end? # REPORTER: Your Highness? Your Highness? Your Highness? FREDERIK: Good, thank you. How are you? # Will you fulfil your dreams? # I have a friend visiting. From Copenhagen. That's probably why you haven't been able to... It's been busy. MAN: Busy with a friend, huh? Why don't you bring him down here? I don't think Hobart's on the itinerary, Dad. Let me talk to him. No. Well, I do want you to meet my friend, Princess. The sooner, the better. I know. Say hi to Susan for me. Look, I'm at the place...thing, so I'd better... How's work? Any news on that promotion? (SIGHS) No, they've gone quiet. I don't know. Look, anyway, I've got to... I love you. And, um, I'll... I love you, Princess. I love you, Dad. Bye. My dad has a new girlfriend. He's ridiculously happy. So, what's the problem? My Dad's Scottish and deeply pessimistic. Jumping into this relationship is not him. That's kind of like what you're doing. Godmorgen, Chris! Godmorgen, Michaela! Godmorgen, Prince Frederik! (FRED SPEAKS DANISH) (MICHAELA REPLIES) Hey, Pingo, come on round! Just a casual day out on the water, then? MICHAELA: This is very exciting. I can never believe that people live like this. No, I mean you. You know, for Frederik to show interest in a non-Danish woman means he's finally growing up. Wouldn't it be the opposite? No. Our royals aren't allowed to marry other Danes. When the palace forbade him from marrying Katja, Frederik was devastated. And I don't think he takes Bettina seriously. I have a good feeling about this. We're still brand-new. Hello. So, Mary, Pingo's been telling me you're a rising star in the ad world. It's a start-up, but we're growing. I'm looking for a new marketing director. Would that be of any interest? Um...I don't have a background in real estate. Uh, it's not my area. I reckon you'd pick it up pretty quick. Absolutely. You should go in for a meeting. Do you trust me? "Jack, I'm flying!" Am I being a dag again? I already have a job. AND a commerce/law degree. I'm actually a very driven, capable person. You said you didn't like your job and you weren't working to your potential. That's not yours to fix. And if we're gonna hang out more, I'm not gonna change myself. I'm not gonna be a...lingerie model. OK. This is who I am. It's either good enough or it isn't. And I thought it was clear that I like you the way you are. But not so much like this, Mary. CHRIS: Come in and see us if you want. Real estate's not as sparkly as advertising. Look, I'm sure it's... But you'll have a lot of freedom. It's an interview, not a favour. THORNIT: Your Highness. Can it wait? Nej. Excuse me. FREDERIK: OK. It's my grandmother. They think it's a stroke. Um, she's conscious, but... She's tough. Toughest woman in Denmark. Mate, let us know if there's anything... Thanks, Chris. Nice to meet you. Strokes aren't always... There can be little ones. She's 90. Um...and I'm sorry. About this. And about before. It's OK, but... Your Highness. I have to go. I have to get home, so... Absolutely. I... I completely understand. OK. (CAR ENGINE STARTS) When crisis hits, normal people don't turn to lettuce. They get drunk! Why don't you call him? He's burying his grandmother. I'm not gonna crowd him. Great. I think that's the right move. Why? Just instinct. Perky returns! I thought information could be helpful. 'Forlovede' could mean anything. Look, it's none of my business. We've spent less than 72 hours together. We never defined... 'Former lover'. Don't you reckon? She's there as a friend. The tabloids are beating it up... Oh, 'fiancee'. It, um... ..uh, it means 'fiancee'. We should be thanking the universe. The boy has major Peter Pan issues. Jumping out of planes, dating supermodels... Who would want to date a supermodel? Makes no sense. I'm just mad at myself. For buying into the whole stupid fantasy that...someone could just sweep in and... (PHONE RINGS) Prince Charming. Third time in an hour. (SIGHS) What's appropriate? "Condolences on your loss, but congrats on your engagement"? (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) I don't hate that. I may be a commoner, but I'm not the common one in this situation. Hello? FRED: (SIGHS) We're up at her place. I had to get out of Copenhagen. I totally get it. And you don't have to explain anything. It smells like her here. She had this, um...horrible perfume. 100 years old. I just...I keep... ..walking into rooms and expecting her to be there. I did that when Mum died. Couldn't make it real. I let her down, Mary. So many times. But she still believed in me. And at the end, she said that... she could close her eyes and know that everything was going to be OK. She's not gone. Not really. And you will make her proud. I bet you have already. I like talking to you, Mary. Let's not stop talking. So? Engaged, not engaged? Girlfriend, hussy? I didn't ask. But you broke it off? Oh, I am number one cheerleader for love, but he could be doing anything with anyone. I think they call that trust. JOACHIM: Wake up, Uncle Fred! (ALL LAUGH) BOY: Come on! No! (LAUGHS) Look, I'm just looking at your track record. You told me Katja was the one. And Maria. And according to these guys, Bettina's not just the one, she's your fiancee. Well, Mary's... What, different? I can see my whole life and I don't hate it. Pretty much... for the first time ever. Jesus. (DOOR OPENS) He should be sleeping. Do I have two children, Joachim? MUTTERS: You have four nannies. Why would anyone want to stay single? (PHONE RINGS) Ah. If you want to start limiting your options, here's your first test. Hello, Bettina. No, no, I'm...I'm OK. Well, I know it's difficult to schedule, but it's a priority. Four trips to Sydney, spaced over the next year. The press will have questions. Well, come up with a good reason. Prince Joachim and Princess Alexandra will visit the Children's Red Cross for their annual benefit. Crown Prince Frederik will travel to Sydney for two weeks. Again? For what purpose? His Highness will study at the defence force's flight school. He likes the weather there. And for those who have been following the Queen's passion for decoupage... (TYPING) Hey, what are you still doing here? We've got the launch. It's not till next week. You're in good water. Go see our friend. ('YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE' BY THE NEW RADICALS) # One! Two! # One, two, three! Ow! # Wake up, kids, we've got the dreamer's disease # Age 14, they got you down on your knees # So polite, we're busy still saying please # Frenemies, who, when you're down... # He's getting married again. My dad. It doesn't mean he's stopped loving your mother. He's being brave, sweetheart. # And then we'll laugh till we cry # But when the night is falling # You cannot find the light, light # You feel your dreams are dying # Hold tight # You've got the music in you # Don't let go # You've got the music in you # One dance left # This world is gonna pull through # Don't give up # You've got a reason to live # Can't forget # We only get what we give # I'm comin' home, baby # You're the tops # Give it to me now # 4am, we ran a miracle mile # We're flat broke... # I love you. You don't have to say it back. I love you too. (CLICKS MOUSE) (SIGHS) Pingo here, boarding out of Sydney after 10 days in Port Douglas. 10 days when he was off the radar. Normally he's scuba diving or jumping naked off balconies, but this trip... It's Sophie, yes? Yeah. Your enthusiasm is terrific, but... Nothing. No-one saw him ever. Because he probably didn't go outside. Which means he has to have been in his hotel room having a whole lot of sex with someone. Sorry to be blunt. But Bettina's in Copenhagen, Katja's at Fashion Week. There's someone new, and I would bet my pay cheque... I thought you were an intern. I would bet it if I had one that the new girlfriend's Australian. (PHONE RINGS) This is Klan. SOPHIE: This is Sophie from the Royale Ugeblad in Copenhagen. Right, yeah. The Hamlet thing. Prince of Denmark. Who's he rootin'? Oh. We don't know her identity yet. There's speculation she's on your Olympic sailing team. Prince Frederik was spotted on your harbour a few months ago and then again at the Bondi Beach and...Woollahra. Am I pronouncing that...? Oh, you gotta be kidding me! No, no, no! Come on! Miss Klan, are you OK? I've just missed Keanu Reeves. I've been sitting here for 14 hours. I'm...I'm sorry. Yeah. So...I'm looking for a sailor. My editor thinks so, but I have another personal theory. The same woman crops up a couple of times. I think it's the same woman. I've already said that. Next time, you'll meet. If you promise to behave. Well, I don't like how he's hiding you away. That's for my privacy, Dad. If the press finds out, they might want to take photos. Here. Say hi to Susan. Dad, I've got to get back to work. Ignore him, Mary. Your father doesn't know what he's talking about. Oldest monarchy in the world! The Japanese have them beat by 1,500 years! Did you look that up specifically? I don't care if he's royalty or the love child of Marilyn Monroe and JFK. A girl like you - any man with a brain should be shouting his love from the rooftops. MAN: "We must not be influenced by political correctness. Let people die from smoking if they want to." A misquote. No, no, no. I stand by it. My wife is queen of the world's oldest monarchy. She may smoke if she wants. Henrik, cheri, don't start a war with the press. 'Denmark's ashtray queen'. It's catchy. Well, as much as I like family time... Per Thornit has prepared us a dossier. We didn't realise it had become so significant. A bit different from the supermodels. Other talents? Well, she's not Danish. I get points for that! Why are you becoming antagonistic? You're not a teenager. Well, then don't tell me who I can spend time with. Are you being careful? With the press, I mean. Can you trust her not to sell her story? Miss Donaldson has been very discreet. Mary loves me. In spite of, and not because of, this. Trou du cul du monde. She comes from the arsehole of the world. She's yet to know what 'this' is. (CHUCKLES) She's literally the girl next door. I could throw a shoe and hit one just like her. Nothing here either. And I just spent four hours drinking with the bodyguards. Not the greatest talkers. What do we know, Soph? Come on. Hobbies, weird little peccadilloes? He's an adrenaline junkie. The psychoanalysts say he pushes his body to the limit because he can control that, unlike the rest of his future. Hello? Soph? (CAR HORN HONKS) Miss Klan? I didn't even have to throw a shoe. (LAUGHS) MAN: You right there? (HONKS HORN) (TEA POURS) (SIGHS) Ask my eldest son to come and see me. I much prefer the one with the boosies. (CORK POPS) (ALL CHEER) I'm sorry. This is a workplace and clients can't even get through the door. (REPORTERS CLAMOUR) MAN: Mary, how'd you score the Prince? Did he come here the Olympics, Mary? Will you be a princess, Mary? Are you getting married, Mary? (REPORTERS CONTINUE SHOUTING) I'm coming with you. (STARTS ENGINE) (HORNS HONK) MAN: Mary! Mary, look this way! (YELPS) (TYRES SCREECH) (ENGINE REVS) (HORN HONKS) Are you...? Yeah. Yeah, just... Where'd you learn to drive like that? I don't know. We didn't have speed cameras in Tassie until I was 21. Sorry, just give me... I'm gonna... (COUGHS AND RETCHES) I'm getting you protection. MARY: It's OK. It just got a bit crazy there for a second. I wish I was... I know. Listen, I'm sorry. We're lucky we got as long as we did. Yeah. At least they still don't know where I live. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) MAN: Hey, Adam. Get anything? Nuh. (SIGHS) So, how is the palace taking it? Well, there's some concern that the press are going to run it as another one of my floozy girlfriends. That's...that's Papa's phrase. And my mother thinks that we need to make it seem substantial. Which it obviously is. She was thinking that, uh, you might like to come and live here for a while. See if you like Denmark. I'm sorry, did you just ask me to move across the world because your mum told you to? No. I d...I don't know. She does get a say in it. But how would it even work? Do I quit my job and we live together in a castle? Well, no. You'd actually have to live in an apartment. Close by, but... ..we'd get to see more of each other, so... What do YOU want? I don't want to take you away from your life, Mary. MAN: (SHOUTS) Just one photo, Mary! Do us a favour! AMBER: It's a disaster. The bright side is they love you. They are calling you the future queen of Denmark. So no pressure. I mean, look at my arms. It's the angle. I mean, you look great. This one's calling you healthy. A real woman. I want to go for a run! 'Cause that's what I do when I'm upset! But I can't, because they're out there, and they're gonna criticise me for not running like some princess supermodel Viking! Mares, we love you, but this is only beginning. The concept of moving to Copenhagen? Not a tragedy. I don't know what there is to do in Copenhagen specifically, but there is a man who loves you, who you love back. Meanwhile, your two best friends here can barely scrape together a 2am booty call. This, you can handle. AMBER: Come back if you hate it. We won't call you a loser. Oh! Not to your face. (LAUGHS) ('DECK THE HALLS' PLAYS ON P.A.) (SIGHS) REPORTERS: Mary! Mary, come on! KLAN: Frederik's senior adviser said, "The Prince has many friends. He isn't rushing into marriage." How does that make you feel? No comment. Fly safe, Mary Donaldson. # Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. # The point of my quote was to take the pressure off. Really? Because it kind of makes me look like I'm chasing him halfway around the world. I've taken the liberty of compiling a list of stylists, security personnel and language tutors... Thanks, but I don't need any of that. I've got my language tapes. But what I do need is an introduction to a recruitment agency. Of course. That will win points with the press, if you are financially independent. Amalienborg. Building commenced in 1665. THAT'S where Fred grew up? Mm. The winter palace. You're in Langelinie. A fun neighbourhood. It wouldn't be us if this relationship wasn't conducted over the phone. Is your dad still refusing to leave France? FRED: This morning, he ranted at a journalist about the people not appreciating him. "I am Denmark's number two, not Frederik. I am number two." I don't get why he would compete with you. Happy families. More importantly, how did I do? It looks like a magazine in here. I don't know if I can afford it. Go into the bedroom. It's up the stairs on the right. (LAUGHS) They're calling you 'Kanga'. I wanted you to feel at home. (KNOCK AT DOOR) If you would like to freshen up, the Queen would like you to join her for afternoon tea. Today? Her schedule is not fluid. (SIGHS) Apparently I'm to meet your mother. Solo. Jet-lagged. I'm sorry. For all of it. (LAUGHS) Oh... Do you think I can wear jeans? Frederik tells me all the time how you're an amazing artist. You are experienced in public relations. I was hoping to discuss how to manage the perception of our relationship. Great. Absolutely. I can't acknowledge you formally, not until it's been decided whether you should become official. We think it's important to figure out how we get on in the day-to-day first. We've only been long-distance until now... You will be assessed by the public as a potential princess, so I can't deny your existence altogether, can I? Our first public appearance should be warm. A trip to the cinema, for instance. Do you like Lord of the Rings? I illustrated the Danish edition of the books. Who doesn't like Aragorn? Miss Donaldson. A journalist appears to have gone through your rubbish back in Sydney. Photographs have been published. Will they find anything else? Any letters from the prince? I was having a clear-out. Hmm. You should have shredded everything. ALEXANDRA: Thorny, back off. The girl clearly needs a minute. Shoo. Finally! (LAUGHS) Mwah! I'm Alexandra. This is Nikolai. Oh! Hi! Hi. You don't need to pretend he's adorable. He's snot-infested at the moment. You're Joachim's... Long-suffering. Thank you. Frederik should be here. He will be soon. They're little boys, both of them. No backbone for confrontation. Why they need strong women. Speaking of, how was Mum? She sort of stared a lot. She's not seeing YOU. She's seeing how you'd affect her approval rating. Has Thorny chosen you some people? He gave me a list, but I don't need... I'll look at it. You do need them. There's no princess finishing school. If you want the job, you have to do the work yourself. I just want to be with Fred. I remember that stage. Savour it. These are the security personnel we have arranged. Uh, Mr Swinzen. Hi. And Stevensen. Ex-military. Do you guys want a beer? As long as I can still put it back in a ponytail. (CHUCKLES) I think you and I are going to be best friends. I'm excited. WOMAN: At... At... ..Moede... ..Moede... ..dig. ..dig. Hej. Jeg er Pingo. Rart at moede dig. (SQUEALS) You're here! Nej! Dansk! (PRACTISES DANISH) Perfect, thank you. Too stiff. Too gummy. Up and over the fence and smile. Smile. Mmm. Mmm. Tongue up, tongue up, tongue up. Mmm. (GASPS) A little something we threw together. This cost more than my first car! Wow. I thought you liked me better in my trackies. I like you best in nothing, but... this works too. Shall we go? No body contact. Just a curtsy. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, it says, "No ring for Mary," and then Fred's meant to have said, "I'm not ready to be tied down yet." Do you want me to come over there and tell him what's what? 'Cause that would be terrifying (!) It's an old quote from an old interview. So you're OK? Because you're all clavicles in these pictures. I'm fine. But I'm sick of talking about me. Give me real-life stuff. What's happening with you guys? Nothing. It's boring. It's shocking weather. Everyone's super depressed. MAN: (CALLS OUT) Hey! Det er ikke tilladt! Hang on. A man in a uniform is saying things. Det er ikke tilladt. I'm sorry, I don't under... Jeg forstaar ikke. Det er ekke tilladt. Do you need me to move my car? Min bil? (CAMERA CLICKS) Mary! Mary! Oh. (UNLOCKS CAR) SOPHIE: I feel bad for her. Her lifestyle is subsidised by our taxes. This is good. (SIGHS) My girl, you have to accept, the Danes adore their rules. It brings them comfort, the knowledge of an ordered world. I honestly wouldn't have parked there. I couldn't read the sign. I believe that's the angle the papers have taken. It is a difficult language. Which you learnt in six weeks, as we're all aware, so don't patronise Mary. I speak five languages. Chinese, Vietnamese, English, French and Danish. FRED: Yes, Papa. And still the Danes mock my accent. Can you repeat that? I didn't quite catch it. (LAUGHS) Perhaps some more intensive tutelage, Frederik. Australians don't have an ear for language. Being incompetent for this long implies disinterest. It wasn't worth it. She was in one of her moods. It's a good sign she's showing this much interest. You don't have to come in! (DOOR SLAMS) You know, I don't want to fight with you, Mary. Because I won't let us turn into Joachim and Alexandra. And you know, maybe if you'd eaten something at dinner, you'd be able to laugh this off. Do you have any idea how hard it is being judged constantly? Oh, no. No, Mary. No, I've never had to deal with that (!) They write, "There's nothing about Mary." I'm the one that's gonna be globally humiliated if this doesn't work out. It's the longest audition for a job I don't even know I want. How many times is that now that you've threatened to call this off? You are always one step out the door. Ever since I met you. Maybe that's why you like me. No, Mary, I love you. But this is what it's like. Now, if you want to go home, then fine, just... Fred, I'm desperate to go home. I don't know who I am here. I don't have a proper job. I miss my family. I miss my friends. Then go. I'm not keeping you hostage. Mary... ..if you do go... ..can I come too? (CHILDREN LAUGH) FRED: "Dear John Donaldson, This is a letter that has taken many drafts and has felled many trees, "for how do I ask anyone for a gift so extraordinary?" TV: Our home-grown Aussie... Shh, shh! Mary! We're on! After a chance meeting during the Sydney Olympics, Mary Donaldson returns to Hobart with her boyfriend, the Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark. The former real estate agent who graduated from Taroona High School will be watching... Hair's good. Light's good. ..competing in the Dragon Class World Championships. It's notable this is the first time Frederik has kissed our Mary in public, and don't they look in love! It's because we ARE in love! How are you feeling, Mary? (ENUNCIATES CAREFULLY) I'm...happy to be home with my friends and family and I look forward to the race. Why do you talk funny now, Aunty Mary? (CHUCKLES) Darling, she doesn't. She kinda does. You look beautiful. Excellent television. Prince Fred, will you play table tennis with us? OK. Watch out. They'll thrash you. They're small but vicious. Let's go. In his study. Dad, do you think you'll be much longer? Papers to mark. Never-ending. (CHUCKLES) A trip like this isn't easy to schedule. You don't want to spend any time getting to know Fred? I have. Mm. He seems like a nice man. Mm. He's not an academic. But what he's achieved in the navy... There were over 300 applicants for elite diving, and only four got in. What that takes physically, mentally... Mary, I don't need his resume. I'm not criticising. But you're disapproving. It's outside my frame of knowledge. News segments where you orchestrate a kiss for the camera? That's PR! You're my smart, talented daughter and you're turning yourself into a doll that smiles when it's meant to. What about your career? If this doesn't work out, then... Oh, that's so like you. Always trying to prepare us for the worst so we're never disappointed. It's crippling. Your father would be like this no matter who you brought home. You're the baby. I should... Let them sort it out. It must be hard coming home. Not being able to introduce Fred to your mum. Being so sad and so happy at the same time. It's hard. (SQUEALS) Oh... The flame's low. Grab me the full one. I do know that I'm not worthy of her, John. But I want to make her happy, more than anything I've ever wanted. Mary's...you know, she's always talking about goals. I'm sure she gets that from you. And I didn't know what mine were before I met her. But now? A family like this? What you've made? That's my goal. A lot of people get that wrong. The left turn. It's IQ-dependent. Fred, if you don't feel worthy... ..maybe you need to do something about that, hmm? Do you want me to take over? No. Have a good trip. MARY: Oh! Thank you! He's lucky to have you. We all are. (LAUGHS) JOHN: Take care. THORNIT: Mr Donaldson. A pleasure to meet you, sir. Have a safe trip. Thank you. Normally I'd hide some cash in your purse, but you don't need that anymore. I need a lot of other things, Dad. I told him you don't need my permission. It's your choice. You'll know what to do. John says he'll come up with me. Even if you don't trust my skills. I'm going to take him flying over the Faroes. Mary. Hey. Oh, sorry. I'm just... ..I'm just carsick. Sorry, can we pull over? I'm sorry. It's just... You don't have to come back with me. You can stay if you want to. Where'd you get this? (SNIFFLES) Dad...gave me Mum's ring. And your letter. But I haven't read it yet. Well, we're going to have words, John and I. He just...he knows it's a big decision and he just wanted me to be prepared for when you... ..if you... I've wanted to ask you, Mary, for so long. But I love you too much to put you through it. I don't have a choice. But you, you do. And if you think that you would be happier... See, that's the thing. I don't have a choice either. I think you're worth it. Well, then, we'll tell them it was somewhere romantic. (LAUGHS) Like Italy. And we quoted poetry at each other. Oh, you...you don't have to. You'll get gravel rash. Mary Donaldson... ..will you marry me? (LAUGHS AND SNIFFLES) MAN: "Miss Donaldson agrees to consummate the marriage and take all reasonable efforts "to produce no less than two children." Constant sex. We're on it. "Best endeavours will be made to preserve the continuity of this union. "In the event of marital breakdown, Miss Donaldson relinquishes the rights "to remove the children from Denmark." These are the key points? There's more detail within the contract. I'll have my lawyer look at it. QUEEN MARGRETHE: Are lawyers necessary? I have entrusted you with my son and my kingdom. Some reciprocal trust... Mary's not signing anything until she gets some advice. (MARY SIGHS) Changing my religion? No worries. I can be Lutheran. Giving up Australian citizenship - that's HUGE for me. How do I make that choice for my kids? Your mother and I were Scottish. You're Australian. Your children will be Danish. They'll still be Donaldsons. Don't even exist yet and their lives are mapped out. They could hate me for it. Bet they won't. Because their mother will be you. Straight out of the gates, they're already winning. Thanks, Dad. (CROWD CHEERS) Shh! Shh! Shh! TV: ..to officially endorse Fred and Mary's union. Although, we can safely assume today this is a mere formality. Fair maidens, might I bequeath you with another round of Tasmanian Temptress, or perhaps a Great Dane? TV: No word yet on when she might appear. CROWD: (CHANTS) Mary! Mary! Mary! They've seen me before, but they haven't heard me. There's still time to run away. Open that bar. Thorny, you'd sneak us out of the country, wouldn't you? I'd be lynched. 5.4 million Danes are at home, watching this. And all we did was fall in love. Time they met the future king and queen of Denmark. (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK) Goddag. Jeg vil gerne sige et par ord foer vi begynder. Jeg er meget glad for at vaere I Danmark. (BOAT'S BELL RINGS) I don't want to mess with anything, but is there any chance that we can find a place inside somewhere for this? Of course. My pleasure. I can see it. Little girls and some little boys are going to watch and think you are the most perfect creature they have ever seen. (BOTH CHUCKLE) I watched Diana get married. I didn't want to be a princess. I wanted to be a vet. I've had interview requests about that. About whether I feel guilty propagating the princess myth. (CHUCKLES) Whenever anyone finds their soul mate, it's a fairy tale. One day, I'm gonna help you plan YOUR wedding. And it will be beautiful. (CLOCK BELL TOLLS) Thanks for taking the time. I need to know how the palace sees my role. I can't spend the next year choosing table decorations. They are not unimportant. The wine you order for the wedding, the lamb you choose to serve - they all have major tourism and trade ramifications. But I am also arranging meetings for you with Parliament, the PM's office. And I'd like your help looking at the charities that have approached. I want to go about this responsibly. I would be honoured. And His Highness, will he be joining you for this education? You know his schedule better than I do. I'm sure you've gathered his critics consider him incapable of a day's work. They should try joining the navy. If I could add my own two cents? The Prince has always felt anxious about living up to expectations. I'm not going to tell him who to be. That's not how we work. But may I say, I am pleased you will be leading by example. FRED: He's found a place for Alexandra to live. He's going to announce it after the wedding. MARY: (ON PHONE) It's awful. Did you see today? The press are tearing into both of them. Well, he needs company. You should come up here. He needs YOU! And I need to know the difference between King Constantine II and the husband of the President of Finland. Well, the first one's my uncle. Niko's father. We could make a weekend of it. I really can't. Thornit's got that meeting organised about research communications ambassador. It would combine everything I care about. Education, health. You stay. Have brother time. OK. OK, I'll talk to you soon. At least I don't see it in YOUR future. King Pingo, Queen Kanga. Together forever. Yes, well, that's how they're marketing us on the commemorative plates. Hmm. What's that? A bit of pre-wedding cold feet? No. I don't know. I love Mary, but... This isn't about Mary. Mary's a big tick. Your problem is... Oh, I can't wait to hear it. Your problem is that any glimmer of freedom you've ever had is about to be snuffed out. Helpful. Thank you. 'Cause you're thinking, first comes marriage, then comes kids, then comes crown. Inevitable. Hmm. Well... I'd be happy to give it to you. You've always had the better head for it. I know you would. But you're going to be a great king. Anyway, it's MY year for scandal, so you stay on course. (ELECTRO-ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) Hi. Hello. I'm having a party. Yes, I...I can see that. (BOTH LAUGH) I decided to use kinetic memory. And it's working. Empress Farah of Iran. (CHUCKLES) You left these here the other night. Perfect. Dance with me. I'm sorry if I've been boring. I'm just excited. It feels real. No. No, it hit me as I was driving back today. In two months' time, Mary Donaldson of Tasmania, Bondi and the Slip Inn... ..is going to be my wife. No. In two months, the future king of Denmark is going to be my husband. I can't do any of it without you. You don't have to. (REPORTERS CHATTER) Hey! SOPHIE: Amber, you're a bridesmaid. Any hints on the dress? No comment! KLAN: Happy to be here, John Donaldson? No comment! We heard the Aussies had to fork out for their own plane tickets. That's a bit rich at a $31 million wedding. Well... Yeah. No comment. (SIGHS) Drink? (SIGHS) Yeah. Oh. Thanks. Are the kids settling? Yeah, they're fine. They're playing. JOHN: Here you go, sweetheart. Thank you, darling. (SIGHS) Velkommen til Koebenhavn! Welcome to Copenhagen! These are your schedules for the next 10 days. There are official functions most nights, but... But also, you know, some time for sightseeing and relaxation. You have Powderfinger playing a festival in your honour? Wow. I'm meeting Bernie. Life goal - tick. (ALL LAUGH) You're getting married! JOHN: Hello, Fred. Good to see you. (LAUGHS) Go say hello to your dad. (SQUEALS AND LAUGHS) (CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYS) ANDREW: Amber. AMBER: Ooh. Come and meet Nikolaos from Greece, and Bruno from Spain. Both real princes. Amber. Struggle Street. Uh, we're all... a little bit hung over. Mm. There has been a lot of events. Mm-hm. Ah, yes. Last night, the... How do you say... Chook. Chook party? My girl, you must realise that when you marry into the monarchy, you are also marrying 5 million Danes. Sounds crowded. Mm. Crowded. And a touch thankless at times. FRED: Papa. I need you. (WHISPERS) Aren't they about to serve dinner? No, I think they'll wait. The Queen is...occupied. (BOTH LAUGH) Is she...? Flirting. Mm. Donaldson charm. It's six degrees! And I'm in couture! If you're angling for outdoor action... Oh! Dirty mind! No. I got you a wedding gift. Haven't you already covered that with the tiara and castles? I thought it was time we made room for an Aussie section. It's tricky because of the climate, but John managed to find the alpine cider gum. Which is native to Tasmania, but it will also flourish here...in Denmark. You got me a eucalyptus tree? It's small... but it'll grow. And then the baby koalas come. That's how it works, yes? You were right. Growing up does not mean boring. Forget jumping out of planes. This next part - that's gonna be the real adventure. (ALARM BLEEPS) (MOANS SOFTLY) Seriously! I have no more hair to give! Whose idea was this bun? WOMAN: Sorry. Sorry. (ALL CHATTER) DRESSMAKER: The dress is steamed and ready. I just need... I made a secret pocket. By your heart. Perfect. Mum would be so happy to know that she's here with you. (CORK POPS) Enough! I still want to look like me. AMBER: You?! In a six-metre train and a 100-year-old veil thingy? Exactly. I need to thank you two. For talking me off the ledge many, many times. (LAUGHS AND SNIFFLES) Are you crying? What happened to the paternalistic capitalist construct? Mary makes it look good. (LAUGHS) To love. To love! To friends. FRED: Dear John Donaldson, What a privilege. What a thrill. What an extraordinary feeling of happiness you have created in me. One might say... that Mary belongs to you. But she also belongs to me, and I belong to her. So... ..Any feedback? It'll be a wonderful toast. But you're definitely going to cry. Definitely. ('ZADOK THE PRIEST' BY GEORGE FRIDERIC HANDEL PLAYS) Mary, you ready? I thought I'd wear jocks. Don't want to pull a Sharon Stone in front of this crowd. Your mum wore one of those tiaras. Prettiest girl I'd ever seen. She'd be proud of you. I was about to call you 'princess'. (CHUCKLES) ('ZADOK THE PRIEST' CONTINUES) Say goodbye to Mary Donaldson. Never. # Zadok the priest # And Nathan the prophet # Anointed # Solomon # King... # (CROWD CHEERS WILDLY) Captions by Ericsson Access Services. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2016