1 (CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) (LIVELY DANCE MUSIC) Welcome back to 'Celebrity Dance Factor'. I'm Hutch Davidson, and we are live from Hollywood, just moments away from crowning our season champion. Now, we've just seen the last dances from our first two finalists, reality television star: (BRASH DANCE MUSIC) And Miami Heat basketball star: (HIP-HOP MUSIC) Which brings us to our last, but certainly not least, finalist of the night, everyone's favourite tough-love trainer from the weight loss show 'Lose it and Weep'... Oh, my God, I think I'm gonna throw up. We got this, OK? OK. We can do this. Just one more dance. We know how to do this. Jules Baxter and her partner, Evan Webber! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS) (SEXY LATIN MUSIC) 1 (AUDIENCE ROARS) WOMAN: Alex, quick! Come see this! What are you watching? 'Celebrity Dance Factor'. Nope. It's the finals! ..need a cold shower after that one. Let's turn to our esteemed panel of judges. Tyce? Let's hear your score. Five stars. Yes! Five stars. OK. Cheryl Cole? You know what? If I had six stars, I'd give you the six. But I've only got five, so you can have those. Jules is taking it. No, no, no. I think D-Wade has it. What? Oh, yeah. And Taboo of the Black Eyed Peas, let's have your thoughts. It wasn't for me, so I gave you a three. Dude, she's totally doing him. No way. Don't question the sage insights of 'Star Buzz'. Shh! And let me tell you now that this is the closest result we have ever recorded. May I have the envelope, please? Thank you. And the winner of 'Celebrity Dance Factor' season 15 is... (TENSE MUSIC) (GULPS) Ahh! I can't watch! ..Jules Baxter and Evan Webber! (AUDIENCE CHEERS) (VOMITS) Jules, are you OK? I'm sorry. So sorry. Let's hope she's not pregnant, folks. (CHUCKLES) Fireworks! Book signing. 'Milk It', the book. Pictures of breasts inside. Uh, welcome, everyone, to The Breast Choice. I'm Wendy Cooper, wearing two hats today as store owner and author of my very first children's book, 'Milk It'. Yay! Um, so, let's get started. (CLEARS THROAT) Hi! "Goats do it. "Cows do it. "Kitties do it." Miaow! "Even dolphins in the sea do it." (MIMICS DOLPHIN) "When your mommy uses her breast to feed a baby, "she is feeding her baby the..." Tits! Gary... Oh, OK. Sorry. I got it. GARY: Hey, kid! Alright. GARY: They're called 'breasts'! Thank you all for coming. It was just lovely. And hug your mommies for breastfeeding you. 'Bye. Thank you. See you. Hey, great job, hon! Did you get that kid? No, he was too fast. But I said some choice words. They...were very choice. Well, next time get him. OK, I will. But what's important right now, hmm? That I just had my first reading. Yeah! Yeah, you did! You did great. I gotta get back, OK? What? No! Gar! Lil Wayne is waiting. Can't some other dentist do it? No, Squeaks, it's my first grill. Right? Alright. Yeah, it's a big deal. I was gonna take you to lunch, but OK. Next time, alright? Congratulations. Great job. (MOBILE PHONE PLAYS FANFARE) (GASPS) Gar! Yeah? (GASPS) Oh... (PHONE PLAYS TARZAN CALL) Two minutes. I gotta go. Honey, I gotta go. Honey! Janice? JANICE: Yeah? I'm taking Gary in the back. (CLEARS THROAT) Look, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. And I get it - you're naked, you're vulnerable. But this is a safe place. No need to resort to cheap theatrics. We're better than that, right? We're artists. So... let's just keep it dignified. (GURGLES) Look, kid, if you don't smile, your mom doesn't buy any prints and I don't get paid. So suck it up! Alright, baby! Oh, you like it when I'm bossy? (LAUGHS) OK, OK. Work the feet! Now show me those gums! (LAUGHS) That's it, baby! You're so perfect! (GIGGLES) Oh, Holly, these are amazing. Well, I can give you 20% off on prints if you order today. (GURGLES WETLY) Oh! Oh, my God! I am so sorry! That's OK. It happens. You know, the last guy who threw up on me, you know what I did? (WHISPERS) I married him. You're so good with kids. You should have one of your own. Yeah. That's kinda the plan. Well, don't wait too long. You don't wanna miss your window. Oh, yeah! Let's get you cleaned up. GARY: Ooh, what do ya got? WENDY: Some wine, cheese and crackers. Your favourite. GARY: Oh, that's a real treat. So, what's the movie anyway? WENDY: 'Dirty Dancing'. Oh, alright! That's a good one. Mm-hm. Yeah. (WENDY CLEARS THROAT) What are you... I would like to propose a toast. OK. But you haven't had a drink in two years. (SIGHS) I just... I think we should take a break from trying, just be us for a while. Alright. I'll drink to that, sure. To us. And if that doesn't work, we'll do three rounds of IVF. And if that doesn't work, we'll just adopt, which will be great, because I have no fears, genetic or otherwise. To us. To not snuffing out the flame. Mmm. (SPLUTTERS) Oh, my God. Are you... Are you gonna go for it? You're going for it. You did it. You just... You crushed it. You crushed a glass of wine. Oh, my God, I'm wasted! (LAUGHS) Yeah, I bet you are! It's so good! Why have I wasted two years not drinking? (HORN TOOTS, PIG GRUNTS) Oh, my God. The Big Pig is here. I didn't even get a tweet! Alright, people, it's swine time. Let's go! What you want, bud? Yeah, give me two carnitas tacos and a jalapeno fritter. Good man! You have your cardiologist on speed dial? Right? You do, right? Hey, girls. How are you? Best meal on wheels right here, huh? Tell that to my cheese and bacon panini. Total foodgasm. Bacon? WOMAN: Have a good night. Who's next? Bacon. Do you know what? I think I'm also gonna get the Georgia Dog special. Chef, where you going? Two seconds. I added to my order. Do you think he heard it? I can't do anything with gloves on. WOMAN: What can I get you guys? Alright, excellent choice. Hey. What do you think you're doing? There's a line if you want to order. The only thing I'm ordering is for you to stop serving bacon, OK? Pig's our turf. (SCOFFS) Oh, my God. Your turf? Yeah. Is this 'West Side Story'? Are we gonna rumble at midnight? You know what? Maybe. I got a whole gang of backup dancers just ready to go. You're the cheese truck, so stick to cheese. Can I order now? No! Give me one second, please. That's funny, 'cause I noticed those jalapeno fritters you guys are serving... Are awesome, right? They're my invention. I made them. They have ricotta cheese in them. Oh, come on. It's like a little bit of cheese. It's nothing compared to the bacon crutch you're propping these sandwiches up on. They're paninis. They're grilled peach and blue cheese paninis with a dash of bacon. Also awesome, also my invention. (LAUGHS) Alright, you wanna go? Let's go. Your special against my special. Whoever sells the most tonight wins. Fine. Fine, alright. If I win, you have to have a drink with me. And if you win, you may have three drinks with me. That's cute. So you can stand me up again? No, thank you. That was, like, five years ago. But it's sweet that you still remember that. I'm impressed, Rosie. I'll see you in the field, alright? It doesn't keep me up nights. Sure! Who's that? This guy from high school. Total player. I'd play with that. Mmm, don't be gross. Don't be that girl. WENDY: You're not still hungry, are you? I don't know. Depends what you got left in your picnic basket. Dr Cooper! We're in a public place! I know. It's all so unscheduled. Oh! (LAUGHS) (BRIGHT POP MUSIC) (ENGINE STARTS) I win! ROSIE: Well, what did you think was gonna happen? I asked you to prom first, alright? And then you said, "Maybe," so I decided to ask someone else. Yes, you did! So I asked someone else, then you said yes, so I tried to take you both - what's so wrong with that? (CHUCKLES) I'm not saying it worked. It's fine. I blocked out most of high school anyway. Hey, where'd you get this guy? Mmm. I fought a grill and the grill won. Why'd you fight the grill? It always wins. Chef hands. Occupational hazard. Guys love it, though! Do they? Guys love burnt hands. Yeah? Check this out. OK, first time breaking down a pig when I was 16. Five stitches. Five?! That is adorable! I wasn't asking your opinion. That's adorable. I wasn't asking your opinion. A deli slicer nearly took my whole thumb off. Alright. Second-degree burn making 'carmels'. Your own fault. Yeah, I know. Home-made is the best, though, so good for you for trying. Never again. Julienning shallots. Oh, julienning shallots? 'Cause Julianne, ex-girlfriend. Right there, she got me. Julianne! I see what you did there. That's good. Yeah? I saved it for you. Whoever she was, you probably deserved it. What? You are so mean. Are you always this mean? Always. Is that your gift? Always. OK. OK, trouble. I'm gonna go. You're gonna go? I'm gonna go. It's been super-real. Why are you going? I mean, it's been great catching up with you. Yes. Uh... Whoa, formal handshake. Good to see you. Maybe I'll see you on the truck line some time. Yeah. Yeah, Rosie Brennan. Your hands are on my waist. They are on your waist, aren't they? How'd they find themselves there? I don't know. This is really awkward, isn't it? Well, if you don't stop me, I'm just gonna kiss you. Is that gonna be OK? This is...me getting in my car. This is me waving goodbye. (ALARM TRILLS) (BOTH LAUGH) GARY: My zipper's stuck. Is that our alarm? What? Yeah. No, our car's that... That water feels so good. Good, baby. Do you want some tea? Uh, no. Are you sure you're not freaking out? Seriously. I mean, just say so. I can handle it. 'Freak out's a little strong. I really thought I had a bum fallopian tube. I just don't wanna force it. Hey, crazy. Look, I wanted to be with you before you were pregnant. This just...speeds things up a little. A lot! So? We're old enough, we love each other. What's to figure out? Apart from...what are you gonna do about your show? Well, we start filming in three weeks. And...I'll be finished before I have to deliver. So basically, I am going to be helping people get thin while I get fat. (LAUGHS) What are you doing? Yeah! (BOTH LAUGH) (ALEX WHISTLES) Shit! My tattoo! So what? You're not gonna be the only mom out there with that Spring Break dolphin, trust me. But those other moms aren't getting judged like me. (SIGHS) Good call, Holly. "I'll never get tired of a dolphin!" I don't get tired of it. I smile every time I see it. Oh, God! (LAUGHS) Stop! (BUZZING) Let's do it. No, no, no! What? No. Even our wedding photo? I'm not taking any chances. OK. Be normal. And you plan on bringing the baby home here? HOLLY: Uh... ALEX: Yeah. No, no. This is just a rental. We're buying a house. A really nice house. A big yard, one storey. No pool or sharp edges of any kind. Yeah, we're moving into a padded cell. And why did you choose Ethiopia? Um, honestly, we would have been happy adopting from anywhere. We were on a waiting list for Guatemala, but then they closed their adoptions. So we started researching Ethiopia, and we just... We just really fell in love with the culture. Plus, all the white babies were taken. You a comedian? (LAUGHS) No. No, he's not. He's... He's not even funny. At all. What he does is he actually picks songs for commercials for an ad agency. Great health insurance. Yeah. And right now they're working on a big ad for Delta Airlines. Well, we're bidding on it. It's not a done deal yet. And how's the photography business? Well, I'm still waiting for the Guggenheim to start collecting my work, but until then, I'm shooting at the aquarium and, you know, it pays the bills. SOCIAL WORKER: Huh. (WHISPERS) "All the white babies were taken"?! What? HOLLY: Cookie? No, thank you. So, you think we're looking at a year. Well, every case has its own timeline. You just have to be patient. But on average, yes, a year. Maybe more. More? Huh. I could work with that. Right? Mm-hm. Yeah, that sounds good. So, does that mean you like us? I don't see any red flags. But you need to baby-proof if you're going to stay here. Oh, yeah, of course. Oh, do you have a wedding photo? The Ethiopian authorities really like to see that in the package. No. Yeah, we do. Course we do. No, we don't. Yeah, we do. We lost it. Yeah. No. We do. Where is it? No. No. Mmm! I think it's...right here. Vegas. It was a costume wedding. I was Prince, Holly was a showgirl. He loves 'Purple Rain'. You know what? Why don't we say it got burnt in a fire? Good one! Thank you. Wendy, can I go on my 15-minute Facebook break? Wendy? Wendy! Huh! Are you dead? Oh. Hey. Uh... Oh, man, I was dreaming that I had a kangaroo pouch. That sounds awesome. It was like a purse. I could hide my snacks in it. You were like a human-kanga hybrid. (CHUCKLES) Ow. I like to rub my breasts too. (GASPS) Gary! Gar Bear! Gar! Gary! Gar Bear! Gar! Wendy! We're pregnant! I'm with child! We're pregnant! Oh, my gosh! We're having a baby! Oh, my God! My balls work! My balls work. Keep it in your lane, people! GARY: I did it, I did it! WENDY: We did it! GARY: We're gonna have a baby! Shit. WOMAN: Rosie, hurry up. I need my lucky bra for my interview. Ro? Two seconds. That's all I wanted. Whoa, what's her deal? I thought she finally got laid. I don't know. HOLLY: I love these hardwood floors! This is it, babe. It's so perfect! This is the one! Are you insane? We're not buying. We're just looking. You want the house or the baby? I want the house FOR the baby. We can't afford it. Hi! Hi. Hi. Look, this is it! This is the one we have to get. We're just looking. WENDY: Stop worrying! OK, OK. It's just he gives me a hard time when I'm late, you know? (DOORBELL RINGS) Don't let him get into your head. Yeah. OK. You're right. He can't ruin this. Not today. No. So, Dad, Wendy and I have a little announcement to make. BOTH: We're pregnant. Oh, my God! Isn't that great? So are we! What? What... Are you kidding? Yeah! Hell's bells, I guess it's congratulations to all of us. Holy... I had no idea that you guys were even trying. Uh-uh. We weren't. No. Look, son... There's no blanks in this pistol. Boom! You guys, you've been trying for quite a while. Two, three months, something like that? Two years. Not everything's a race, Dad. Gar. No, no. Not everything. Yeah. Right? Only things where you can come in first. Oh, come on, Gary. Let's celebrate! Let's go to Margaritaville! I don't wanna go to Margaritaville. Come on! I don't wanna go. Oh, everybody wants to go to Margaritaville. (MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS) No, I don't wanna go! Come on! I wanna break out the Don Julio 'Blanko'! 'Blahnco', Dad. It's 'blahnco'. That's how you pronounce it. And it's 11am - kinda early for shots. It's 5:00 somewhere. True. (LAUGHS) Don't be a pussy. You know what? Wendy, I just have to say I am so happy to have a baby expert in the family. Are you feeling anything yet? Joy. Yeah. Some exhaustion, a little nausea, some heartburn. My boobs are killing me. (LAUGHS) Plus I have to pee every five minutes. But it's just proof that a miracle is happening inside of me. So I'm so happy. It is a miracle, isn't it? I mean, I thought I'd have to give up my Pilates, you know, and my running and tennis and my...what's it... my strip-aerobics. Sure. Oh, and kickboxing. Just all my activities. But it just turns out I have all this extra energy, you know? Oh, yeah! Mmm! Plus I'm, like, crazy horny. OK. OK. If I even get a whiff of Ramsey, it's like I just have to pounce. And I gotta give this old boy credit. I mean, he's still got that race car engine that can go...the...distance. Well, hormones. What are you gonna do? Oh, I don't know. Maybe not talk about it at brunch? WENDY: Yeah, that's what I'd do. That's what I'd do too. We're on the same page on that one. Honey, I know you can't have any, so I'm gonna do one for you AND the baby. Baby! Sweet. Here's to the Coopers. Yeah, you know what? What the hell. Well, that was delicious! Oh, honey, I didn't make any of it. You know Ramsey don't want me cooking. Your mom and I... Not my mom. We sure wish y'all could stay longer. WENDY: Oh, yeah... GARY: That's the thing. It's such a bummer. But the missus and little mini Cooper and I, we have an appointment. Yes, at... Walmart. For paint. Yeah, and mulch. Well, you know what they say. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps you connected to your kids. How much you need? Dad, I don't need any money. Oh, come on. How much you need? No, I don't need anything at all. Thank you so much. Man pats. Yeah, man pats. That's great. Come here. Give your momma a kiss. What? No, no, no... My baby boy. I'm so proud of you. You've grown up so fast. OK, Gary. Gar. Yeah. Uh, awesome. This was so... See y'all later! Yeah, great. This was a...thing. Congrats again! Yeah! Come back soon! WENDY: Don't ever kiss her again. . All right, so, this is Tim. 34-year-old male. RTC. Multi-vehicle... VOICES OVERLAP I think about the car crash a lot. I know he caused it and I reacted the best way possible. But it's hard to let it go. SOMBRE MUSIC When I asked what had happened to him, the doctors said he really wore the impact ` any more and things would've been much worse. They said he was lucky ` lucky I wasn't going any faster. Thank you. SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES It's OK. MUSIC CONTINUES It's OK. * Well, um...OK. Are you sure you took the test right? You pee on a stick. It's idiot-proof. (SIGHS) No, I know. It's just... You know, one time! Yep. So, what do you wanna do? I don't know. What do you wanna do? Look, I...I don't know. I just found out, OK? You're the girl. Don't you get to decide? Great. Great. So then it's all on me? No, I...I didn't mean... Oh, shit. Should we get married? "Shit, should we get married." Yeah. No, it's just when you put it like that... Oh, I'm sorry, Rosie. I'm just trying to do the right thing here. I didn't mean to... Then don't ask the wrong questions. Just, um...forget that I said anything. Just forget it, 'cause I'll figure it out. Like, whatever it is, it's not your problem. Rosie! It's fine. I have to get back to the truck anyway. Perfect! OK, guys, look right here. Big smile! Aristotle, great smile! (LAUGHS) OK, beautiful. You guys can pick up your prints at the kiosk at the front. Alright, everyone. Aristotle needs his down time. OK, can we all wave bye-bye? ALL: Bye-bye! Thank you, nice friend! So, how's Alex? Is he excited? Yeah! Yeah, he's... No, actually. He's... He's... No, no. I don't know. Maybe he's just not ready. Well, they're never ready. Yeah. (GASPS) Dudes group! What? Dudes group. It's like Fight Club, only there's no fighting, everybody has babies, they don't talk about what they do there. I don't know what they do there and I don't need to know. All I know is that Craig started going when I was pregnant with Henri and he's losing his shit, now he loves being a dad and he never misses a Saturday. You want Alex ready? Send him to the dudes! Your blood pressure is low and you are in good health. And Dad's gonna keep you that way, right? Right. Uh-huh. Look at these pamphlets. Ooh, thank you. That's all we need to know. Let's not go crazy with the research. I love research. It soothes me. Well, then you will love the wall. I will see you both in a month. Wow! Look at the wall! Oh, no, no, no, no! I don't wanna know about everything that can go wrong! Oh, my God! Look at this. OK, there's breastfeeding. We have to know about this. Cord blood banking. This is very important these days. And you need to learn the Bradley method. And... What? Oh. "Circumcision: Yes or No?" Of course! How is that even a question? Actually, a lot of couples are choosing not to circumcise these days. Interesting. Who said that? The expert, honey. Clearly there is a question. That's why it says "Yes or No?" My answer is yes, yes, yes. My answer is "I need to read about it." See you tomorrow, OK? I'm not gonna forget it. JULES: Can I get an "I can do it, you can do it"? WOMAN: I can do it! Damn, this show gives me the munchies! I so wanna do that slidey thing. I feel so bad, but it's hilarious. No, no. This is just so funny. I bet they're having fun. (BOTH LAUGH) Hi. Marco, this is Courtney and Molly. Hey. Nice to meet you. And vice versa. I thought you said 'cute Marco', not 'HOT Marco'. Well done, Rosie. Well done. You said I was cute? Ignore them. So you're going, right? No, I'm not. I've already got friends. But these guys all have babies. Yeah. That sounds terrible. Craig goes. You like Craig. I tolerate Craig at a barbecue, not as a forced play date. If you go just once... Holly, I'm trying to work here. Oh, my God. I'll give you one right here, right now. Really? Mm-hm. Right here, right now. Yes. (HIP-HOP MUSIC) 1 1 1 Hey, Craig. Alex, Vic. Vic, Alex. Welcome to happy hour. Let's walk. Ow! (KID LAUGHS) I sense your fear, Alex. It's cool. You're still on the other side. Stay on that side, Alex. This is the side where happiness goes to die. Don't mind Craig. He's had a bad week. Kara just took a 3-day business trip and little Henry there just got sick. Here you go, big boy. Walk it off. By the way, when we're around Kara, it's still 'Henri'. 'Henry's on the DL. Mm-hm. 'Henri'. You got that, Alex? It's very important. It's the first rule. Don't talk about what we walk about. Rule number one. Got it. See, Alex, women pretty much control the baby universe. And why not? They carry the damn things, push them out of their vaginas. You know, I never used to use that word for that part of the body, but trust me, once a baby comes out of it, it's a vagina. MEN: Oh, yeah. It changes. Here we're free. No-one's looking over your shoulder. If you put the diaper on backwards or forget to heat the bottle up, you go with it. If you wanna ditch those carrot sticks and feed your kid McNuggets, you go for it. And if your wife names your kid 'Henri', and you wanna ignore that silent-'H' bullshit... Bullshit! You're in a safe place. What's up, Henry? Henri. What is he, a mime? Craig, where's 'Henri' come from anyway? Cirque du Soleil. So dumb. Look like you've got your hands full there. VIC: Yep, I got four under five. Four more, we can run a full court. Two more and I got pallbearers. I got Evander here. Venus and Jeter are my twins. And my main man, Jordan. Sure, twice a year I think about the price of college and cry in my car for a half-hour, but then I just punch myself in the dick and get over it. I could go for four more. Really? Come on, Jordan! Keep up! Oh, shit. Craig, do you have some sunscreen? CRAIG: Relax. Sunburn is full of vitamin D. Shh, shh! Guys, it's Davis! Yo, buddy! Oh, yeah! Hey, big guy. Fellas. Offspring. New guy. What's up, man? Everybody good? Yeah, man. So, D-Biscuit, haven't seen you hanging around. Where you been? Costa Rica, bro. Central America! Classic. Had to do some work. (LAUGHS) Workin' IT. Work! This lucky bastard's a surf photographer. Travels all over. Sweet. VIC: What? Costa Rica. (BOTH GROAN) The mountains of Costa Rica! Whoa! Whoa. That's classified. Gotta watch it, Davis. That one looks like a wife. She got wife eyes. Girlfriend tits, but definitely wife eyes. I've got to get better pictures on my phone. Your phone ain't the problem, bro. Come on. You guys are the ones living the real dream. I will 'Freaky Friday' with you any time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Patel, what's the Camaro situation? You ready to sell that bad boy or what? Never. Never? Ask him when the last time was he drove it. Plus you can't get a car seat in that thing. Patel's wife wants him to trade in his '69 Camaro. We have bets on how long he can last. Gabriel, I understand that you've embraced the mini-van, and that's your journey. I've been in it a million times. Plus, Patel test-drove a mini-van last week anyway. What?! So? That doesn't mean anything. I look at houses with Holly, but we're not buying one. (MEN LAUGH) What? Bro, bro, bro. When your wife says you're just test-driving mini-vans, you're buying a mini-van. And when she says you're just looking at houses, you're buying a house. No, I'm not. Oh, yes, you are. I'm not buying a house. Check your receipts! Welcome to escrow, bitch! No, thank you. Have the breast day. Janice! Janice, you're not gonna believe this! What? You are looking at one of the keynote speakers at the next regional ABC Kids Expo. Shut up! No! Yes! You're living your wisdom! I know! She's speaking at the expo! I'm speaking at the expo! (SINGS) # At the expo, about the breast pumps and the lactation... # (CELL PHONE RINGS) (GASPS) Sorry, I just... Sorry. No more cell phones. Land lines only from here on out. I am protecting... (SIGHS) ..my miracle. Actually, that was my cell phone. SONG: # Hey, I'm comin' home # Comin' home! # Comin' home, baby, now... # Hey, guys. I'm sorry. Can I just borrow Alex for two secs? What? This is it! Already? Yes! It was supposed to be a year. Or more! WOMAN OVER PHONE: You got lucky. I'm sending his pictures now. His name is Caleb. He's six weeks old. Now, we don't have any family medical history and probably never will, so you two will need to consider whether that'll be an issue for you. Well, it... It's not. OK. It's not. It's not. Great. I'll leave you to it. (COMPUTER CHIMES) Oh! Oh, my God! Alex, look at him. He's gorgeous! Can you feel it? We're gonna be a family. Oh, yeah! Real soon. (CHUCKLES) Let's take a picture by the sign. Alright. OK, make sure you get the sign and the house. And us. It's a boy. GARY: Oh, wow! Honey! Ohh! I just peed myself a little. A girl. Yes! A mini-me! EVAN: We want it to be a surprise. That's OK. We don't have to say. Evan, I'm pregnant. That's surprise enough. We wanna know. It's a boy. Oh, a boy! Oh, that's so cute. I love boys. Looks like it's a little early to tell. MARCO: Wow. That's OK. She looks good. (WENDY CLEARS THROAT) It's a boy, Dad. Oh! Well, he kinda looks like the Loch Ness Monster to me, but I take your word for it! He's beautiful, y'all. Thank you. I will see your baby... ..and raise you one more. GARY: Whoa... WENDY: Wow! Twins! Twins. Oh, my goodness! So great! Can you believe it? Two! Two numero unos! And you got the 4-D ultrasound video. Yeah. Don't you kinda wish you'd done it now? I offered to pay for it. So, who wants dessert? I do. Park it here, huh? Whoa, I don't know if you take it right off the... Oh, maybe you don't. Whoa, take it easy... Wow! Two! Two numero unos, huh? Holy shit! What? Whoa, stop, stop, stop. Alright, turn to the side. Flash me the belly. I wanna see it. Come on. I know, I'm finally starting to show. I'm gonna take one every week, watch you two grow. That's a good one. That's a good one, huh? Yo, peanut. I'm really glad you're here. Yeah? Yeah. Where else would I be? Marco? Wake up. Hmm? I'm bleeding. ('FORGETTING' BY DAVID GRAY) SONG: # Reminding, rewinding # Removing, regretting # Forgetting # Your smiles at the wake and # Your tears at the wedding # Forgetting # Forgetting # Forgetting # Forgetting # Forgetting # Forgetting # Forgetting. # It's my fault. I wished it. Don't say that. It's not your fault, OK? I never even felt a kick. Congratulations. You're off the hook. Rosie, don't say that. Come on. Hey. Hey! Rosie, hey! We're not a couple. We've never even been on a real date, you know? I think we can do ourselves a favour and stop pretending. Rosie! Hey, it's me! Tequila shots! Don't judge! Are you OK? Yeah. I wanna go inside. MAN: You're fighting fit. Alright, that's perfect. See the bump? That's great. Can we hurry this up? He's pushing on my bladder. Great. Alright, we got it. OK, but did you get my rack? Because I'm gonna need evidence that I had these. (LAUGHS) We got proof. You got it? OK. Thanks, Jules. Jules, that was great. Thank you! We are so excited to have you as our spring cover mom. Me too. Listen, can we just try to keep it positive? There's a lot of articles out there that make women over 35 who are pregnant feel like crap. Right. And I just don't want this... No, it's gonna be... Sorry, I gotta take this! Hey, you. Did you watch it? That circumcision video you sent me? Yeah, give me a little heads-up next time. I was eating lunch. Now I'm scarred for life. Yeah, gross! Nobody needs to see how the sausage gets made. Megan! I'm not gonna let somebody hurt my baby like that. Jules, trust me - he's not even gonna remember it. It's not even medically necessary. Besides, it actually makes the penis less sensitive. That's why you do it - give the kid some endurance, a fighting chance. He's perfect as he is. I don't get it. What's the point? Um, because I'm Jewish? Uh, half-Jewish. 'Christmas-tree Jewish', that's what you said. Well, my penis is full Jew. This is my jurisdiction. OK, so I have no say in what happens to my son? Besides, if you had your foreskin, maybe I would like you a little bit more. How much more? A tip more. Look, I would feel...shafted if we didn't do it. Can we discuss this weirdness later? I'm working. OK. I love you. 'Bye. Love you too. Well, if it's any consolation, I like an uncut guy. Yeah, I once banged my way straight across Eastern Europe. That was fun. ALEX: I don't know, man. Just out of the blue I got this call. And suddenly we got this baby. That's right, you got a baby. It's not good. They said it was gonna be at least a year. Or more. Alright? And that's the one thing you can count on with adoption, right - time? Whoo, whoo, whoo! ALEX: I need that time, man, to save, to get ready. There's no such thing as 'ready'. You just jump on a moving train and try not to die. (SIGHS) Great. What's up, man? You terrified? 'Cause you should be. (LAUGHS) Here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna get to the hospital room, right, and she's gonna be laying there with her legs splayed wide open. My woman gave birth doggie style. They can do that, you know. And then out's gonna slide a little miracle, half-you, half-her, your DNA all mixed together in one magical baby cocktail. The best day of your life. That's sweet, but Alex here is adopting. Oh. Yeah, do it that way. No fuss, no muss. VIC: Come on, Jordan! ALEX: What if he hates me? VIC: He will. I mean, what if he tries to kill me in my sleep when he's 15? PATEL: Well, then I guess you're not a very good father. CRAIG: That's normal. It's like every Greek tragedy. Come on, guys. I'm serious, OK? I need help. Dude, you're gonna be fine. You just gotta get over your fear of babies. They can smell fear. Like bears, or wives. You need some practice. Hold Henry for a second. ALL: No, no! VIC: Do NOT touch his baby. That kid's a grenade, and he will go off. You know what? Start with Evander here. She never cries. Oh, no. I'm cool, Vic. Fell off a changing table last week, didn't make a sound. You dropped your kid off a changing table? Uh! How is that even possible? (LAUGHS) It's very possible. It's much more common than you think. But you know what? Rule number two. We don't judge. No judging. Stuff just happens, OK? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from day care. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. And for the record, the roll-off did not happen on my watch. Ooh, dodged a bullet. No judging. Come on. Come on! No, really, that's OK. Come on. Come on. Here you are! Ha-ha! Good catch. (CRIES) Take her back now. Take her back. I hope that adoption agency has a return policy! Big help, guys. Glad I came out. It's Davis! (CHUCKLES) (GUYS CHANT) Davis! Davis! Yeah, bro. VIC: D-bone! What is up? What's up, fellas, kids? Oh, Jordan! Dude, this kid's like Mickey Rourke in 'The Wrestler'. I wish he was that well behaved. He's more like Mickey Rourke in real life. (ALL CHUCKLE) So tall! You been working out? Oh, yeah! I missed out on high fives before. I'll take one if you had a spare. I got you, Craig. Thank you. Sorry, Davis. Alright, I'm outta here. Nice job, Craig! 1 Kara, what time is it? 20 minutes to make it to the sale at Babies R Us. I've been totally cracking out on baby stuff. Sneaker socks. I got my 2-in-1 swing rocker... What? What's with the face? Holly, I'm sorry to tell you this, but we just had our budget meeting and I don't know that we're renewing your contract. I've gotta cut down on all my freelancers. You were the last one hired. Wait, but this is my main job. We're about to close on the house. I'm doing what I can to keep you, but... It just isn't looking good. OK. Don't hate me. No. Uh, do me a favour. Don't tell Alex until I can find something else, OK? OK. OK. I'm sorry. And three! And push. OK, now break starfish formation. Let's get back in position. I wanna have opposite sides. Crunch it up. I want 10 of those on each side. That's 20, people. And I need a minute. And don't think I won't be watching you. Keep it moving. "I'm not circumcising my baby." Well done, well done. Front page. Look, I was gonna tell you - I did NOT say this to them. They overheard our private conversation. I would never talk to them about us. EVAN: Why is this such a big deal to you? JULES: Because I don't think it's right, and I'm his mother. And I'm his father. Parenthood is about compromise. Well, then compromise, Evan. I have. I stay at your place. We spend the holidays with your family. Yeah, but I have sacrificed my entire body for this. So that means you just get to win every argument? No, that means that in every relationship... What are you guys doing? Come on, pick it up! In every relationship, there's an alpha and a beta. BOTH: And I'm the alpha. No, I'm the alpha. No, I am! Jinx. (SIGHS) You know, I'm just gonna stay at my place tonight. Hey, Jules, if you're interested, I never got snipped. (MELANCHOLY POP MUSIC) Only one star in the tango last week, Megan. With the samba still to come, how do you feel? I don't know. I don't really care about the trophy. I'm here for Evan. Right, papa daddy? Evan's promised he's gonna knock me up next. Uh, she's kidding, Jules. No, I'm not, Jules. We're gonna be sister wives! Evan's gonna drive us to worship in his buggy. Hey, why don't you take a break? I got this. Thanks. OK, e-invite, draft 38. OK. "Let's shower Wendy and Gary Cooper with light and love "to honour the arrival of their mini Cooper." That's cute. And then I put a picture of a Mini Cooper at the end. Where'd you get the picture? I stole it from the internet. Oh, Wendy. Shut your pregnant face. You do not wanna see this. (SIGHS) It's OK. She's my mother-in-law-ish. (CHUCKLES) Wendy! Skyler, hi! Look at our bellies! We are like twins. Except I'm actually having twins. You really love to remind me about that every time. Hi! I just came by to personally invite y'all to our baby shower. Wow! This is... This is your shower invite. Look, I know that Ramsey and Gary have not always gotten along so well, but we are family, OK? And it would just mean the world to me if y'all came. Of course, Skyler. That's... You... Wow. What is it? (MOUTHS SILENTLY) It's, um... Mini Coopers. Beep-beep! (LAUGHS) Beep-beep! Beep-beep... (IMITATES BRAKES AND CRASHING) You know, 'cause there's two of them and there's two in here. WENDY: Yeah. So, Skyler, seven months. How are you feeling with side effects, you know? Because I know that at this point in the pregnancy, acne and bleeding gums, constipation, it's all totally normal, totally normal. When my sister was pregnant, she got herpes. No, that's... She didn't get... Not from being pregnant, no. No, I feel so whole. You know, and just feminine, with all this life running through me. Oh, I felt the exact same way when I had my phantom pregnancy. (SIGHS) Don't pay any attention to her. But, yeah. I mean, I just... It's beautiful. I mean, what am I saying? You know exactly what this is like. Totally. Alright. Well, I just came to drop off that little invitation. And I'm gonna go to my preggerlates. Sounds pregger-iffic. WENDY: Oh, God. Alright, one more time. OK. I'll see y'all there? Yes. I will tell Gary. OK. Thank you. Yeah. Hey, Wendy, do you mind if I take one of these? What's that? Holly Castillo Photography. Ramsey's been on me about getting one of these pregnancy portraits done. Well, Holly's the best, so she'll make you look amazing...er. 'Bye! 'Bye! 'Bye! 'Bye! I mean, look at her. No cellulite, not even in daylight. She's wearing six-inch heels. God, she's like a magical pregnancy unicorn. Gary is gonna shit a sideways brick when he sees this. I mean, come on! We started 'mini Cooper'. That's our thing! We own it, right? MAN ON TV: Hey, a little heads-up, America. Do we have to watch this? Yes. ..to train on their own before our live finale, some of our previous season's contestants are going to get a little surprise. That's right, I'm gonna be dropping in on some of you guys to see how you're keeping the weight off. You've been warned! (SHOWER RUNS) EVAN: They can't get someone else who'll fly around and do these interviews? I don't like you travelling this late. Well, nobody's asking you to stop doing your job. Besides, these are my contestants, Evan. I was there when they lost the weight, and I wanna be there for them now. EVAN: You're pushing yourself too hard, Jules. Especially at your age. Wow! Thanks, that's super-supportive. I appreciate that. What, I'm not even supposed to mention reality? No, I am healthy. I have a low blood pressure. Not that you're helping me any. I just think someone should go with you and little Jackson there. Well, you know, I have my crew, and you are welcome to leave your show and come along. And we are NOT naming him Jackson. EVAN: You liked it last week. Obviously you caught me in a moment of weakness. Honestly, God. Seriously, sometimes I think it'd just be so much easier if I could do this on my own. Really? You think that? Come on, Evan. We danced on a show for three months together and suddenly we're supposed to agree on everything? Fine - why don't you make every decision about our child's entire life and just send me an email when you've got it figured out? (DOOR CLOSES) Why do you do that, Jules? * ALEX: I know you've been busting ass at work and getting everything ready for the baby. I just wanted... Alex, about work... There's something that came up... No shop talk tonight, alright? I just wanna remind you that even though we're gonna be parents, we can still kick it old school, alright? Alex and Holly style. ALL: Surprise! Happy baby shower, bitches! (SINGS) # Might as well face it, you're addicted to love... # Oh, listen to that. Somebody call the cops. They're murdering a song. I know! I mean, literally. (DUDES SING) # I love it when you call me big poppa # Throw your hands in the air, hands in the air # I love it when you call me big poppa... # We should have another baby! You're gonna sweat that weave out tonight! We got twins. Let's go for triplets, alright? No, no! That's baby juice. (CROWD SCREAMS) To us! To actually getting Rosie out of the house! In something other than stained pyjama pants. (BAND PLAYS ROCK SONG) Be right back. Be right back. (ALL SING) # Don't you want a baby? # Don't you want one? Ohhh! # (CROWD CHEERS) (PHONE BEEPS) Wow, that sucks. It's 9:30, guys. It's 9:30. We gotta go. (MUSIC STOPS) What? We gotta go. One more song! Put your drink down! We're going! Sweetie, wait around front. Vic! Don't go. Where are you going? If we're not back by 10 the babysitter charges double. And steals shit. Come on! You guys, go home. Have sex. 'Cause it's gonna be a while. OK. You got it. Thanks, Miss K. You did us up right. Hey, no problem. It's the least I can do since Holly lost her job. What? I'm sorry. Baby shower! MARCO: Rosie! Hey, Rosie! Hey, stop! Hey, Marco. I didn't see you. That's bullshit. You looked right at me. Uh, how you doing? You OK? What are you doing here? I'm just seeing my favourite band. I asked how you were. I'm sorry. I can't do this. Rosie, I miss you. Yeah, I miss me too. Well, you know, I guess it just takes time. Marco! What are you doing? Really? How much time? That's just a friend. You lost your one steady gig and you didn't even tell me? Are you kidding me? I know, I'm sorry! I was just trying to get something else before you noticed so I'd be like, "Hey, I got some new jobs," and not, "Holy shit, we can't afford our life." You know, I know you've been so worried about saving and... Yeah, we're in this together. Here I am, trying to get ready for something that's gonna be... Oh, my God. I knew it. You're not even ready? Look, I'm not like you, OK? I can't just look at a picture and feel some magical bond. And you lying to me isn't helping. Look, I know, OK? I screwed up. Yeah, you did. I just... I just couldn't handle another thing being my fault, OK? I'm the one with the bad eggs. I'm the one who made us spend the 401(k) money on IVF. And I'm the one who can't do the one thing that a woman is supposed to be able to do. Holly, stop. Stop. (SIGHS) You don't even want this, do you? I never said that. Not out loud. I can't believe you didn't tell him. (BURPS) You know what? Glass houses, Craig! Yeah, I know all about how you call your son Henry when Kara's not around. Holly, let's go. You WHAT? (GASPS) You don't like the name 'Henri'? That is...such a bald-faced lie! He's obviously joking! Guess who's not getting any tonight! First rule, Alex! An obvious joke that Latins, with their Latin spicy Latin sense of humour... You've seen Univision. He was kidding. When you look like him, you can have a spicy sense of humour! Get in the car! Stupid. He was obviously kidding. You get in the car! Don't you talk to me like that. CRAIG: I... Oh, my God. I am so sorry. KARA: Do NOT touch me. CRAIG: I love you so much. I love you so much, I love you so much. KARA: Stop talking! OK, here we are in Atlanta, Georgia, home of one of the audience favourites from season 4. We're gonna pop in on him and see how he's maintaining his weight and healthy lifestyle. Here we go. Drop the pig, Gary Cooper! What? That's right. Jules! Oh, my... Oh... Is this like a documentary? No, it's a real thing. It's live. Um, this isn't actually for me. I was just picking this up for a friend. Remember this guy? See that guy? You remember him? Oh, jeez. This is a one-time thing. It's a treat. I just had a treat. That's what I thought you might say. But we've been doing a little recon on ya. Nice sweater, by the way. Oh, thank you. My wife is pregnant, Jules, OK? And as you know, it's really common for guys to just put on a little bit of weight as their wife does. It's called Couvade syndrome, or sympathetic pregnancy. No, it's called a crutch, Gary. Come on. We need to deal with what the real issue is. You need to deal with it today, not 100 pounds from now. Do you wanna be this guy again? Could we just stop this, please? You don't understand what I'm... It's not an issue that you have in your life. Stop it. Ever since I've had this belly, people think it's OK not just to have an opinion about me, but to have an opinion about my baby. I mean, seriously, in what world is it OK for a complete stranger to comment on my son's penis before he's even born? Jesus, somebody, just anybody, please, just ask me what I'm craving. What are you craving? That looks pretty good. They are really good. They're not good for you, but they're good. OK, we can cut that part out. Are we still rolling? We're good? OK, here we go. We are gonna deal with this issue, Gary, in a very healthy way. I wanna hear you say "I can do it!" just like you did in season 4. I wanna hear it. Say it. "I can do it!" I can do it! I can do it! OK, you and I are gonna do it together, Gary. You and I. We're gonna do lunges, ready? And I want it deep, then squeeze back up. One more. Come on, let's go. (GASPS) Oh, my God! Jules! JULES: No, no, no. I'm OK. Oh, God! GARY: Someone's gotta call 911. What's up, guys? Guys! Hey! Whoa, whoa! Wait up! Freeze. Don't take another step. You told your wife that Craig likes to call Henri 'Henry'? She did NOT take it well. OK, my bad. My bad. I'm sorry. We're here to let off a little steam, not break up families. Craig shouldn't have to see his kids only on the weekends 'cause you got a big mouth! Hey, I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking. Darn right you weren't thinking. You wanna adopt? Adopt some new friends. Come on, guys. Really? Unbelievable. ALEX: Craig. Come on, Craig. Hey, don't think that I will not punch you in the neck just 'cause I have an infant strapped to me. I still have full range of motion. Look, look, I'm in crisis here, alright? (SIGHS) We had to pull out of the house. Now Holly won't even talk to me. She thinks I don't want the baby. Well, do you? Yeah. Really? OK, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, you said, "This is where happiness goes to die." Henry cries if you touch him. You found your kid in the toilet, right? And Jordan is... Jordan is a spaz. Hmm! VIC: You're the spaz. You just don't get it, do you? We love being dads. When I was young, I used to think I was so happy. But now I KNOW I'm happy. Exhausted, but happy. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Yeah, you don't know true love till you've wiped someone's butt. GABRIEL: Look at me, man. I love my baby so much I worry I'm gonna eat him. I am a lacklustre husband, but an above-average dad. VIC: You gotta figure it out, bro. You're on your own. Burn. That's it? Hey, what about the no-judging rule? 'Cause I'm feeling a little judged right now. You broke the code, bro. Yeah, go do your pull-ups! VIC: Ahh! DUDES: Davis! Davis! Davis! The hospital said that I could fly pretty soon. Nice try. You need to stay in bed so we can keep your contractions under control. You're having this baby in Atlanta. You don't understand. I have to get back to L.A. I have to finish my show. And what, have your water break at 30,000 feet? I climbed Everest, OK? I'm pretty confident I can keep this baby in until I get home. I can do that, OK? I can do it. No, you can't. You need to stay in bed. Honestly, you don't have a choice. Now, who can you call to come take care of you? Gary! Honey, slow down. You're practically sprinting. OK, OK. Wow. Squeaks, are you sure you feel alright? Quit asking me. I'm great. Oh, my... Sweet bird of paradise! What is that smell? Shh! Is that you? If you must know, that is the baby. The baby has gas, OK? The poor little thing can't help itself. It kinda smelled like you, actually. Don't talk about our baby like that. Hi. Hi. Hi. Wow. Thank you. The baby just peed itself a little. Oh! Are you sure that speaking at the kids expo next week is the best idea? (SHOUTS) I need support! Hey! Ha! Look who made it! Hey, come on back. These girls have got it going on back there! You too, Gar. Come on. Your momma's gonna be glad to see you. Still not my mom. She was born in '86. (GRUNTS) Alright. (SONG PLAYS ON STEREO) # Why don't we get drunk and screw? # Wendy! Come here, girl! Foot massages and henna tatts! Oh, neat! Hey, you sure it's not Wendy who's having the twins? Dad! Oh, son, you gotta learn to lighten up, or it's gonna be a hell of a long day. Oh, my gosh! SKYLER: Think you can rub them cankles out, girls? WENDY: Ahh... Hey, Gary! Hey. We saw you on that 'Lose it and Weep' show. My wife and I cried every pound you lost. Don't you gain it back! Yeah, yeah. I'm working on it. Here you go, pal. Drink up! Oh, no, thanks. I'm good. So, what is it like to be the son of a racing legend? You ever get on the track with that guy? One time! The great go-kart beat-down of 1989! (BOTH LAUGH) Dad, they don't wanna hear about that! Yeah, we do. I won. (LAUGHS) He cheated. He cheated. Oh! It was just a little exercise in gamesmanshipand...beat-downsmanship. (LIGHTLY) Yeah, you win again, Dad! Hey, where you going? You can't just walk away from a fresh margarita! I'm not supposed to drink my calories, Dad! We could always make it a Skinnygirl! He's great. He's a great kid, isn't he? (MEN CONTINUE LAUGHING) Ramsey Cooper! I will not have my son treated like that. Put your drink down and get your ass out there and fix what needs fixing. Just trying to have some fun. Just trying to toughen him up! He needs to heal, OK? And you need to listen. I mean it, Ram-Bam. I will not have these babies come into this world while there is strife in our family. Now go. Put your drink down. And go. OK, Tater Tot. Uh-uh. It's OK - just 'cause you have a bad dad doesn't mean you're gonna BE a bad dad. You will not ridicule, you will not compete. I WILL NOT compete! Are you talking to yourself again? I need some alone time, Dad. Need some alone time. I will not compete! You can't get rid of me that easy! Oh, God. Dad, I'm not racing. Neither am I. I'm not falling for that trick, Dad. RAMSEY: Just get it off your chest, son. I'm sick of competing with you, OK? That's it. Just keep going. I'm listening. You named me Gary Cooper, for Chrissakes! Get it all out. (SHOUTS) You're the reason that I got fat! You are the reason I got fat! Whoa, ouch. That hurt. Slow down! Stop. Really? I guess I've been kind of a shit sandwich in the old dad department, huh? I saw every episode of your 'Lose it' season and I have the whole thing on DVD - Blu-ray. And sometimes I stay up at night and I watch it over and over again. Really? Yeah. This is hard for me. But there's something that I really wanna tell you. OK, Dad. (LAUGHS) Beat me home, we never have to race again! Goddammit! This is not good parenting! I'm gonna beat you! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! You're ridiculous! RAMSEY: Hey, Bob. Hey, Dave. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Sorry! RAMSEY: Where you going? Narnia? You wanna go crazy? Let's go crazy! RAMSEY: That's the Cooper spirit! Hey! Here's a little love tap for ya! You're still cheating! Get ready! Here comes the chequered flag! GARY: Stop it! There's only one numero uno, son. I'm not numero dos! So-so! (SNORES) I won! He wasted Margaritaville. He won! Yeah! Your daddy's such a good dancer. (DOOR CLICKS) Hello? Hello! My God! Wait, what are you doing? You're supposed to be on the show! Megan and I got kicked off. Oh, watch this, watch this. (TV AUDIENCE MOANS) JULES: Oh, God! Oh, my God! You threw your samba for me! The judges called it "a national disaster". Hey, I don't want anyone else taking care of you. That's my job. OK, look, you were right, OK? You win. Jules, I don't wanna be right. I don't wanna win. I just want you and our baby safe. OK? Mmm. (SIGHS) That was actually, like, a national disaster right there. Daddy's here. Daddy's here. I'm gonna give you the 1, but it's not for the right reasons. See you tomorrow. (ENGINE STARTS) If you want me to go, I'll go. What happened to your hand? I just want you to know that I get it. I'll probably never really understand what you went through, but I don't want that to be the reason we're not together. You were right - I never even took you out on a real date. But I want to. Uh, I made these for you. 'Carmels'. Piece of shit double boiler. (LAUGHS) I thought you said "Never again". Well, I made an exception. ROSIE: Um... Marco, the reason we're not together has nothing to do with the fact we were gonna have a baby. It wouldn't have worked anyway. Oh, that's bullshit, Rosie. Give me one good reason. OK. You don't have a car. (LAUGHS) Says the girl with the duct-taped Civic. Seriously? OK, fine. It's not the car. You got me. Well, then what, Rosie? What? You know? 'Cause we were great. You know, you have the worst taste in girls. You go for the most obvious, least interesting chef groupies ever. What does it say about me if that's what you're into? Well, they can't all be you, now, can they? You wanna know what it is? Yeah. Every time I look at your face, it kills me, OK? Is that enough of a reason? Can we be done with this conversation, please? Uh, yeah. We can be done. Here. No, I don't even like 'carmels'. Just keep 'em. Take 'em. Fine. Holly, thank you for coming. Oh, sure. I cannot wait to see this! It's a little bit big. You know we wanted it big. I know! Alright, let's see it. Oh, you might wanna wait till you get home to open it, I think. No, I wanna see it right here. Oh. OK. I did it exactly how you want. I love it. I love it! You do? I love it! Bring it in! Holly! I mean, when you come back from Africa, I'm gonna get you to take a picture of these twins, and my stepson's baby. I mean, you are gonna be our family photographer. (LAUGHS) (GASPS) Hey! Felt a little kick in there. I'm gonna cover this up for you. Do you want a feel? Sure. (CHUCKLES) It's two in there, right? Do you feel that? Yeah. Really is a miracle, isn't it? * (HUBBUB) (BABY COOS) (BABY LAUGHS) Hey! There you are! And looking so fantastic! Oh, we are so glad you agreed to speak. Hello there! Aren't you just loving it, experiencing everything for yourself? Oh, you must be ecstatic every second of every day! Every day, every second, totally ecstatic. (SIGHS) Hey, Wendy! We have to get some of these for the store. It tastes like real nipple. Janice, I don't think I can do this. I mean, I can't go out there and just act like everything's peachy. I really feel like crap. It's so hot! You can do it. Just put one cankle in front of the other. Get up there, tell the truth and share your wisdom. Janice, I just peed myself. That's natural. No, Janice. Like, a lot. And now, please welcome our keynote speaker, Wendy Cooper of The Breast Choice. That's me, right? I sit here. OK. (SIGHS) Janice? Janice! Sweetie! What? (WHISPERS) Honey, my speech. It's in my pocket. What? Sorry, it's just a... (WHISPERS) My speech is... (AUDIENCE GASPS) WENDY: Oh, God. OK. JANICE: How'd that... Oh, what's this liquid on my butt? No, don't... Alright, thank you. Maybe I just, um... ..peed myself 'cause I'm pregnant. Nope. And that's why I go to The Breast Choice for all my pregnancy needs. Thank you, Janice. OK. Um, over to Wendy. Tell them about your glow. Thank you, Janice. The magical, happy miracle, experiencing pregnancy. Pregnancy's glow is made from two scoops of angel kisses. (FALTERS) It begins... when you feel... (SOBS) Whew! Sorry. Hormones! Right? (LAUGHS) (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I just find myself crying all...all the time. OK, you know what? The truth... The truth is, um... I can't think with this thing on. I'm sorry. I'm so uncomfortable. I don't even recognise my body anymore, you know? It's like, I could fit 20 of my old bras into this one giant piece of granny spandex. It's just... (SIGHS) OK. Um, thank you. Should we all take off our bras? I think we're good. No, please don't. I'm sorry. I just didn't think about any of this stuff before I got pregnant, you know. I, um... I just wanted the glow. The one that they promise you on the cover of those magazines with the pretty lady looking down at her perfectly round belly with that sweet smile. Well, I'm calling it. I'm calling bullshit. (AUDIENCE TITTERS) I'm calling bullshit on the whole thing. Pregnancy sucks. (SOBS) Making a human being is really hard. I have no control over my body or my emotions. Gar Bear, I'm sorry - all I wanna do is punch you in the face. But I love you so much, so I don't mean it. I love you too, Squeaks. You're doing great. I don't know about you, but I didn't get the glow. I just got bacne and, uh, haemorrhoids. Have you ever seen those? Don't do it. Don't take the mirror down there. And then I have these purple stretch marks everywhere and pressure hanging from my uterus that makes me walk like I was kicked in the vag. I just... (AUDIENCE GASPS) OK! Maybe it's time to stop there. Too far? That's the end. It's just I couldn't think of another way to describe it. That was really good. So...thank you. There we go. They say when it's all over, you forget the whole thing. And I for one really hope that's true. (FARTS) Like that. I really hope I forget that. Wendy Cooper, everybody! ..hanging from my uterus that makes me walk like I was kicked in the va... No, I don't think you went too far at all. Seriously. I mean, no-one's even gonna see this. This is gonna ruin my business. But this is all gonna blow over. It's not a big deal at all. For sure. Gar! Oh, no. It's a mob. It's a mob, Gar! Look at them. They're angry. Hold your head high. I can't. Well, just prop it on your boobs, then. WENDY: Oh, no. I'm gonna have to go into hiding. Janice? Wendy. Look, you got more hits than that cow dancing video. 2 million! (MUSICAL MASH-UP) # Hormones, hormones # Punch you in the face, punch you in the face. All I wanna do is punch you in the face # I just got bacne # Call bullshit on the whole thing # Pregnancy sucks Making a human being sucks... # Alright. OK, I'm opening! Hold onto your vajayjays! That's pretty good! Yeah, Wendy is here. Welcome to the workplace of Wendy Cooper, the star of the internet. Oh, my... Pleased to meet you! We're definitely gonna need more nipple cream. (ALL CHATTER) Wendy touched this. $40. (UPBEAT MUSIC) Alex, Holly? Yes. Right this way. Welcome to Ethiopia. Thank you. Thank you so much. Are you excited? Oh, we're so excited. Good! Is this your first time? Yes. Yours? Fifth. Awesome. GUIDE: Alright, then. Everybody, gather up your things. Here we go. Follow me. Right this way. I will rip this baby out myself, I swear to God. You'll see me on the news. You want this baby on time? Try walking. It helps sometimes. Walking! CRAIG: And amazingly, even Kara is calling him 'Henry' now. So I owe Alex big time. I hear ya, I respect ya, and I will take it under consideration. Thank you. You're very welcome. (LAUGHS) Look what we got here. WENDY: We're walking. Trying to get that labour started, huh? You have no idea. Try having sex. That's the really fun part. We're here every Saturday, bro! Tweak the nipples! OK. Sounds good! Guys, look! Davis! Davis! (ALL CHANT) Davis! Davis! Guys, guys... I got it. Vic, we gotta talk. What's up? No pull-ups, man? Are you sick or something? You always do your pull-ups. Remember the girl from Australia? I remember her well. Excellent photos, Davis. Slutty but artful. Yeah, well... Whoa! GABRIEL: What is that? Is that... Is she yours? And they're moving here. Vic, you gotta help me, man. I don't know the first thing about being a dad. Fellas, say hello to our newest member. Hi. Yes! Let's walk, Davis. I...I don't walk. I run. Not anymore, bro. Not anymore. Jordan, get out of those bushes! CRAIG: Davis, we are very, very psyched to have you. So psyched! Bam! DAVIS: Don't ever touch me again. GABRIEL: Craig, stop creeping Davis out. What are you doing? Just...I'm just making sure, that's all. I'm just... Don't, OK? I'm just trying to get ready. I know. So am I. It's not that I'm not ready. I'm just... I'm scared. I know. OK? I'm scared too. (LAUGHS) I don't know what the hell I'm doing. But we can be scared together. We just need to jump in. You know, all in. I know. I'm getting there, OK? And... And I know I'm gonna love him. 'Cause I love the hell out of his mom. Let's go meet our son. OK. * Welcome back to our live 'Lose it and Weep' finale. We're just moments away from finding out who our big - or shall I say small - winner is. Oh, my God! I'm already crying. They look amazing. I'd totally let that one do me. HOST: Now, before we get down to business, we have a little surprise for you guys - take a look. Hey, guys. Hi, Jules! I'm sorry I can't be there. I just wanna congratulate you all on working so hard. Forget about what the scale says tonight. You're all winners. (GASPS) Sonofabitch! (AUDIENCE GASPS) Jules, we're live! (PANTS) Fuck! (AUDIENCE GASPS) Yep, still live! Censors are gonna love that! Oh, hey, that reminds me - how you doing there, Tater Tot? Oh, contractions about 17 minutes apart, Ram-Bam. 'Cause we can leave any time. I'm just trying to catch the part with Gary, but I can always record it. Oh, no, baby, it's fine. I can wait. RAMSEY: OK, then. Gary, come on. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I just cannot find my keys, that's all I have to do. Hey, look, I got 'em! Do you have your driver's licence? Honey, do you have your licence? Gar! Calm the eff down and get the effin' car. (HORNS TOOT) Shitballs, man! Slow down. Oh, sweetie, I just hate to see you like... Red light. Red light! Jesus, Gar, keep your eyes on the road, you worthless piece of shit! Oh, baby, I love you. You know I do, right? Oh, I love you too. Watch the tail. I'm watching the tail! (SCREAMS) Oh! Oh, my God! Are you OK? Is it broken? Don't be such a baby. Just pull in. Right here. Are you talking to me? Don't touch. Whoa, the floor's a little wet. They oughta do something about that. That's my water, you idiot. You're doing great, hon. MARCO: Your feet still feel weird? No! Why did you do that? Stop! Ugh. Oh, here comes another one. Here comes another one. (GROANS) RAMSEY: Where's the valet? I don't see a valet around here. (MOANS) Wow. Are we moving? Yes. Babe, did you press the button? Yes. You're doing great. Oh, baby, watch it. That floor's wet. What the hell is that? EVAN: We're here, Jules. I don't care about his penis. Who gives a shit? We're having a baby! WENDY: The baby centre. GARY: We're in the right place. Hi. We're the Coopers. We pre-registered. And I've got my birth plan. Oh, well, aren't you organised? Skyler Cooper. Another Cooper! We reserved the deluxe suite. And this is your father. Hah! He's my husband. Sorry! Husband. Great. We're having a baby. I know you! "I can do it!" That's it! With your help, I've lost eight pounds. Can you help me do the same? (GASPS) Do you happen to have a room service menu? Scale of 1 to 10, how's your pain right now? (PANTS RAPIDLY) Two. Alright! Tough girl. (SQUEAKS) Maybe three. Was that a contraction? I barely even felt it. It sure was. What's your pain level on a scale of 1 to 10? Mmm, I guess zero to one, 'cause I'm smiling and they're smiling. Oh, you're number one, baby! OK, who wants to have a baby? Where the hell have you been? OK, Wendy, let's talk pain. On a scale of 1 to 10, what do you feel? Uh, what are you, maybe a six? What?! I'm an eight - frown, no tears. Eight. Are you getting an epidural? Do I look like somebody who wants to drug my baby? Are y'all planning an epidural? I don't know. I guess we'll see how it goes. Whatever. So, do you want an epidural? Hell no. Let's do this. That's alright. Here comes another one. NURSE: OK, breathe. Oww! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Owww! (GROANS PAINFULLY) Gar? Yeah? I changed my mind. I want the epidural. I want it, Gary. No, no, honey. You said you didn't want it. You said even if you did ask for it, that would just be the crazy talking... Gary! Get me the juice! That seemed a little crazy. I will get you the juice. I need it, Gar. I'm sorry, baby. Just don't come back without it, OK? RAMSEY: No anchovies on that. Hey, son. Hey, you too? It's not a race, Dad! (LAUGHS) That's my son. Whoa, whoa! Hey, are you the anaesthesiologist? Yes. OK. My wife's changed her mind. She needs the epidural right now. I've got five women in front of her. It'll be a while. No, that's not OK. She's in pain. Everybody's in pain. OK, hold on... Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Wait. Wait. Really? Dad! Dad. I need your money roll. I need your money roll. Sure. How much you need? Uh, yeah. Crazy lady in 408's next. She most certainly is, sir. You're gonna feel a little bit of pressure in one or both legs. That's normal. You are so clutch, baby. So clutch. You're at 8cm. Good. Two more. Two more and I can push. 9cm. Great! Hey, what is that in inches? You're at 10cm, but the baby's not coming. We need to prepare for a C-section. No, no, no - I... I have a birth plan. I wanna push. I wanna push. I know, Wendy, but the baby's heart rate is falling. We need to move now. It's gonna be OK. But I typed it! It's typed, the birth plan. It's ready to go. I'm ready to push. I wanna push. Please, I wanna push. Please? So, Jules, you've been doing well. Let's take a look, alright? OK, let's do this. Push. (GROANS) DOCTOR: Here we go. Let's do it. Say "I can do it." I can do it. Say "I can do it." I can do it! Yeah! I can do it... I can't do this! Ohh! OK, Skyler. You're doing great, Tater Tot. Just hang in there. Bear down and give it all you've got. Ready? Hang on, hang on. I need to sneeze. (BABY CRIES) Wow. That's one baby out. One down, one to go! You did this to me! That pig is wearing flippers. (LAUGHS) DOCTOR: Clamps. I love morphine. Don't you love morphine, Gar? GARY: Yeah. We should get some for the house. GARY: OK. That's good. That's good. Almost there. You're doing great, Squeaks. This guy's got a real steady hand. You're fine. Yeah. (BABY CRIES) Here he is! GARY: Oh, look at him! Congratulations. Congratulations, Daddy! OK, Jules, this is it. Are you ready? Alright, I need you to bear down and push, alright? Here we go. Push, push, push, push, push! Come on, Jules. You can do it. (SCREAMS) I can see his head, Jules. Yeah? Give me one more giant push, OK? Gonna get the shoulders out. And push. DOCTOR: That's good, that's good. (BABY CRIES) DOCTOR: Alright. And it's a girl. It's a girl! It's a girl. (LAUGHS) A girl's good. I like girls. Oh! Oh, there she is. Hi! (BABY CRIES) Hi, baby girl! Hi, baby girl! Oh, hello, Emerson! I'm your mommy. Emerson's cute, right? Emerson. I love it. Jules, I knew you could do it. Thank you. (SKYLER PANTS) Hi! Hi, sweetheart! (GURGLES) Squeaks, say hi to little Theo! Say hi to mama! Can you say hi to mama? Oh, say hi to mama. Yeah. There's mama's finger. (CHUCKLES) Wendy? I need more suction here. Hey, guys? She seems to be falling asleep or something. Got a lot of bleeding here. What is going on? NURSE: Mr Cooper, I think you may need to step out. We're in control of things in here. It's OK. Come with me. Now, Mr Cooper. GARY: Wendy? Wendy? Hey. Hey. You got doctor clothes on. Yeah. Everything OK? Uh, we have a son. But, uh, Wendy lost a lot of blood in there. So they made me wait out here, so I don't know what's going on inside, you know, 'cause they made me wait... wait out here. (SNIFFS) It's gonna be OK. I'm here for ya, alright? Thanks, Dad. * (BELL CHIMES) Our baby's here. (MAN SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (MAN TRANSLATES) I promise to watch over this child... ADOPTING PARENTS: I promise to watch over this child... (MAN SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) TRANSLATOR: ..and to bring him up proud and strong... ..and to bring him up proud and strong... (MAN SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) ..and as one who will always remember his Ethiopian heritage. ..and as one who will always remember his Ethiopian heritage. (MAN SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) So help me, God. So help me, God. TRANSLATOR: Amen. Hi! Here we go. We've been waiting for you! Congratulations. You're parents. Mr Cooper? She's awake. EVAN: Name - Emerson Jane Webber. Uh-uh. No, uh-uh. Baxter-Webber. I hate hyphenated names. (SIGHS) Are we ever going to agree on anything? (CHUCKLES) On the little stuff, probably not. The big stuff? Yes. I can live with that. Me too. Marry me. No. I'm just kidding. (LAUGHS) I thought you'd never ask. (BABY GURGLES) Is that OK with you too? Yeah? Yeah? Way to go, Tater Tot. (WENDY WHISPERS) Hi, little Theo. GARY: Hi. Hi, little guy. Oh, Gary. He is so beautiful. Look at his little nose! And his perfect little lips. And he's so wise. Can't you tell? He's so wise. That was the scariest night of my life. That was...that was awful. No. It was beautiful. It was so incredibly beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I meant. Incredibly beautiful. I finally found it. He's my glow. He's my perfect, perfect glow. Alright there, Susie? Sure. Marco! Rosie. Hey! ROSIE: What are you guys doing here? Um... Dipshit ran over my toe. (LAUGHS) Oh, my God! That is... I'm so... I'm sorry. No, it's OK. It's funny...now. I'll meet you in the truck, man. (LAUGHS) I'm really sorry. OK. What are you doing here? Um, my cousin, the one married to that old... The race car dude. She had her babies. She had twins. Oh, nice. Congratulations. That's great. Um, I was gonna go see 'em. Uh, do you wanna... (CHUCKLES) I don't know if that's weird. It's a little weird, but... yeah, I'd love to. You OK? Yeah. I'll have another chance when the time's right. You will. Those caramels were delicious, by the way. The 'carmels' were really good, weren't they? 'Carmels'? Yeah. Caramels. What is wrong with you? That's one good-looking kid you got there, Dr Cooper. Thanks. You too. You know, when you were born, I wasn't even in the room. Back then, no dad was. Yeah. Maybe that was a good thing, though. Well, I don't know. I missed a lot. At the end of the day, family's all that matters. Not the races and the trophies and the endorsements, not the money and the women and the sex and the drugs and... ..partying with Jimmy Buffett in the back of Willie Nelson's bus. (CLEARS THROAT) None of that means jack shit when I'm gone. But you guys, my kids, that's all we really leave behind. ('HOME' BY EDWARD SHARPE AND THE MAGNETIC ZEROS) SONG: # Ahh, home # Let me come home... # (BABIES SCREAM) # Home is wherever I'm with you # Ahh, home # Let me come home # Home is wherever I'm with you # La, la, la, la, take me home # Baby, I'm coming home # I'll follow you into the park # Through the jungle, through the dark # Girl, I've never loved one like you # Moats and boats and... # (SCREAMS SILENTLY) # Alleyways and pay phone calls # I've been everywhere with you # That's true # Laugh until we think we'll die # Barefoot on a summer night # Never could be sweeter than with you # And in the streets we're running free # Like it's only you and me # Jeez, you're something to see # Ahh, home # Let me come home # Home is wherever I'm with you # Ahh, home # Let me come home # Home is wherever I'm with you # Home is wherever I'm with you. #