1 NARRATOR: Here's a little story I'd like to tell about three best friends and their first Noel. It begins right before Christmas 2001, when a young man named Ethan became an orphan. His mama and papa both tragically gone, it seemed for him, Christmas had sung its swan song. As he sat alone on Christmas Eve, his friends came over and forced him to leave. They had to get Ethan out of his funk, so they went to a bar and they got his ass drunk. With tears and with sadness, they started to mend. - Then they said... - No more crying. This sad shit must end. Christmas was about family, but now it's about friends. - Oh, yeah. - NARRATOR: Thus began a new tradition. The friends hung on Christmas, and fun was their mission. (LAUGHS) You knew. - Boom! - What is it? That shit holds, like, a hundred songs at one time. - Nice. - I got the new Dave Matthews. - Ricky Martin. - Oh! - That guy slays ass. NARRATOR: They chilled with each other, did all sorts of stuff. They drank many drinks. Light his dick. Light his dick. (LAUGHTER) (GROANING) NARRATOR: Then one fateful night, 2008, they realised that Christmas can be even more great. That eve at the bar, they saw quite a sight. Fellow seekers of joy having one crazy night. And there was a woman, so pretty to all. They worked up the courage, proceeded to call. - Excuse me. - NARRATOR: Ethan said. And she turned with a fright. Where were you guys partying earlier tonight? Uh, at a place so great words cannot describe, with so many drinks for one to imbibe. With so many drugs, I can't believe I survived. - What the...? - NARRATOR: Ethan asked. ...is this party called? Why, you haven't heard? It's the Nutcracker Ball. NARRATOR: They asked all around, but to no avail. Where was this great party, this whitest of whales? And though year upon year they tried and they failed, they never did tire, they never did bail. But over time, the fun did wane. One friend had a family. The other had fame. As the years passed, his boys, they grew up. But it seems our boy Ethan is just a little bit stuck. What's up, buddy? No? All right. - You guys want any of this? - No, thank you. - Cool. Keep it moving. There you go. There you go. Keep that... Yes, good. Oh, wait. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What are you doing? Well, no one was eating this tuna, so I thought... OK, no, no, no. You don't get to make those executive decisions, elf. - How old are you? - 33. 33? (CHUCKLES) 33 years old, and you're an elf. And you don't even know how to be an elf. Show me the elf face. Uh, uh... It's happy. It's eager. More whimsical. Whimsy. Determined, though. Determ... There you go! - That's it! - That was it. That was it. That's why you're coming back here with a full tray. No. OK, I'm gonna move you to coat check. This is your last chance. And the whole time, I want to see that elf face. - OK. - Starting now. Go. Go. OK, these two are together. And... No, no, no. Got to take the ticket. Hi. Just you, sir? Great. This is your ticket. Please try not to lose it. This is a very expensive coat, so take care of it. Absolutely, sir. Here, ticket. OK, this one. Yeah. Great. Hi. (CHUCKLES) Merry Christmas, sir. (CHIMES TINKLE) Hey, what are you doing? Huh? Nothing. - I'm gonna be right back. - Now, where are you going? I'm sick. Sick. (PEOPLE GASP) Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2017 MAN: Congratulations. You're about to have the best night of your life. You will learn valuable lessons, be filled with Christmas cheer and probably get laid. We will release the location of our party at 10pm. Merry Christmas. (LAUGHS) CHRIS: Yeah, I know, Ma. I'm sorry, but I have to stay here and work hard. I... How you think I'm having such an amazing season? I love you, too. Merry Christmas. Bye. What's up, fellas? How's it going, man? Good to see you, baby. Merry Christmas. You want to take a picture, man? Let's do it. Just leave it! If you're not Christian, what are you? I'm Jewish. Is that why you look different? What was that? Come again. You just look funny. I look funny? You ever see The Shining? - Isaac? - Yo! - What are you telling them? I'm just talking to your lovely daughters as though they are adults. From a cognitive level, if you speak to kids like they're adults, it will make them more curious, it will open up their minds to more things. - He's gonna be a great father. - Aw. - Yeah. I just hope we have kids as beautiful as you girls. - Ow! - I'm sorry. Sweeties, just come help Mommy in the kitchen. - Are you OK? You want a hug`? - That's OK. - Oh, OK. What if I screw this up? You won't. Studies show your maternal instincts really kick in in the last month. - I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. - It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. - I love you so much. OK? - I love you, too. - (DOORBELL RINGS) ISAAC: Bets, look who it is. - Ethan! - Hey. - Merry Christmas. - Oh, my God, you look so big! - No. No. - Oh. - No? You don't know a lot of pregnant women, do you? - I meant the baby, is what I meant to say. - No, I look really big. You look great, and the baby's probably cramped inside of your small, fit body. Just shut up. It's all good. It's fine. - I don't know what to say. - She looks beautiful. - You want a drink? - Sure, sure. - Do you want a drink, honey? - I'm OK right now. - Really? - Yeah. You know, I'm kind of on call. Got to keep my head on straight. But you're gonna drink tonight? Cos I'm already kind of drunk. - Oh, yeah, I can tell. - OK. - (DOORBELL RINGS) - That's Chris. - Yeah. Everybody, look who it is! Merry Christmas, blessed Kwanzaa, happy Hanukkah! Hey, man. How's it going, man? - Whoa! Look at this! Oh my God! - Hi. I couldn't even tell you were pregnant till I saw you from the side. Look how tiny you are! - That's so nice of you to say. - That is how you talk to a pregnant woman. - Yeah. Yeah. - It's amazing. You've had the season of a lifetime, man. - Yeah, congrats. - Thank you. Thanks, man. Got a new workout, new diet, new paleo thing I've been doing. I've heard about that. And it works? - Yeah, it rips you up, man. If you see me naked, it'll blow your mind. - I'd love to. # Five golden rings. Kick ass. # Four calling birds - # Three French hens - # Two turtle doves. ALL: # And a partridge in a pear tree... # Really can't believe we're doing this again this year. I was done a few years ago, to be totally honest. We're like those kids who won't stop trick-or-treating. Eventually, they come to your door, you're like, 'Eh.' - 'No candy for you.' - Yeah, no. 'Pack it in, kid.' - But this is it. I mean, this is the last Christmas. - Last time. Right? - Is he cool with it? - Yeah, I think he's... I mean, look. He looks happy right now, right? I'm just saying we're, like, enabling him at this point. Like, we're not helping him get over his own problems. On a psychological level, that's not good. CHRIS: I've made a decision; for a Christmas present, tonight I'm gonna take him under my wing. - Really? - I'm gonna help him and get him out of this rut. It's a conversation we've been avoiding for, like, ten years. I know, I know. - Just do it easy. Do it nice. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going all in. - Don't go all in. - Balls and all. # And a partridge in a pear tree. # On the eighth... # BETSY: Have fun. Take good care of my husband, all right? - I like him. - We will. Hey, Bets, tell Diana I said hello. - Yeah, no. - No, no. - No. OK. - No. No. Merry Christmas. Bye-bye. - Congratulations. - Good to see you. - Luckiest guy in the Park. - I sure am. Bye. Can I talk to you for a second real quick? - We're not doing gifts now, are we? - Oh, no, no, we're doing them tomorrow, but this one I'm pretty sure you'll want tonight. What is it? You have been such a rock throughout this whole pregnancy. You're like my Dwayne Johnson. - Thank you. - It's Christmas now, and we've almost made it, and you deserve this. Merry Christmas. What is it? Is it cologne? (CHUCKLES): No. Holy shit! BETSY: It's every single drug in the whole world. - Why are you giving this to me? - You've been so focused on me and the baby, and tonight I think you should just focus on yourself. Is this cocaine? I haven't done cocaine for 11 years, I don't think. - Yeah, no one has, I don't think. - That's amazing. - Where'd you get all this shit? - Craigslist. - You got it from Craigslist? Yeah, I just typed in the search 'NYC drugs.' - Really resourceful of you. - Well, it's your last Christmas together, so have fun. - Enjoy it. - Thank you so much. - Yeah. I love you. - This is so great. OK, I'll have my phone with me. I'll be home pretty early, I think. - OK. I love you. - OK. All right. - What? - Oh-ho-ho! - Wow! CHRIS: This is the Red Bull Limousine, fellas. You are now looking at the face and body of Red Bull. - Wow! Congratulations, man! - Huh? Right? Since this is our final Christmas, I figured we could do it in class. Seriously, this is what the spirit of Christmas is all about ` a rich athlete finally getting the corporate limo that he always wanted. - Exactly! - I think so. Let's go, get in. You got to see this. Come on. Cool! Yo, it's the Red Bull Limo, guys! Wow. All right. Yo! What's up, everybody? This is your man, C-Rob. We in the Red Bull Limo. We Dom P'ing it, we Cristal'ing it, Henny-thuggin' it, and we got Red Bull! I'm capturing this on my Sony Xperia Ultra phone. No matter what the light, the picture's right. All right? This your man, Chris Rob, coming at you. What happening? Peace! ALL: Peace! - (CHRIS LAUGHS) - Wow. And... Internet. - His social media game is crazy. - On point. Really on point, yeah. It's like, five million people probably just saw that. Hey there. Didn't want to interrupt while you guys were rolling back there. Great video, by the way. I just watched it. That was fast. My name's Joshua. I'm gonna be your Red Bull-provided driver for the evening. - First stop ` Rockefeller Center, right? - Partition up. - Nice-nice meeting you, Josh. - I'm doing the 'hang loose' - thing too much. CHRIS: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll call you. There we go. Check out what Betsy gave me. It's a bunch of drugs. We eat a little 'shrooms to kinda trip out a little bit, look at the lights, all the sparkly lights. - Let's start with the champagne. - Yeah, sure, yeah. (LAUGHTER) Aim it out the window! - Oh! - (LAUGHTER) So what's up, E? How's life, man? - Life is good! - Yeah? How's the, how's the music going? Any gigs coming up? I mean, not gigs, but gigs are overrated, dude. People are just on their phones the whole time. The thing I'm working on now, you really have to listen to it, like, start to finish. - It's a concept album. - What's the concept? I'm still conceptualising that part of it, but it's all about who you know more than anything. Wait up, wait up, wait up. How's it going? - Hey, merry Christmas. - Photobomb! - There you go. All right. - That just happens now? - People love C-Rob. - Wow. So how about Diana? You, uh, talk to her? How's things going with that? Hate to see that one get away, you know? - It's still over. - It's over. Don't worry about it. - But it's OK. - I mean, it's no one's fault, really. We just drifted apart. - Hey, look, we're at the tree! Why don't we talk about that another time? - What? - Not now, man. Wow. Gentlemen... 14 years ago to this very night, a tradition was born. That year, some drunk asshole hit my parents with a car. So that Christmas, I didn't have any family to be with, but you guys were there for me. But tonight... tonight's different. We have mutually decided to end this tradition. Isaac's about to have a baby, and Chris is just too famous to hang out with us any more. But, guys, earlier today, I witnessed a real, live Christmas miracle. - Where did you get those?! - Holy shit! - Are those real? - Right? They are real! - Where did they come from? - It doesn't matter! It's a Christmas miracle! - You killed somebody for those? - No, I-I stole them, OK? I stole them. - That's awesome! What a blowout! - It is the Nutcracker Ball! CHRIS: Yes! Yes! All right, so I called the number on these tickets. They don't give out the address till, like, 10, so that gives us, like, several hours to hit as many Christmas traditions as possible. - Nice. - And it's gonna be the best night of our lives! - I'm so psyched, man. Awesome. - It's gonna be so much fun! Maybe it'll be, like, the new Christmas tradition. I don't know if we're really... replacing this with another tradition. - That was a joke, Isaac. Give me some credit. - OK. Good one. - Obviously, that was a joke. I am totally cool with it. - I mean, obviously he's joking. - Definitely. - Yeah. Gentlemen, I got the sweaters. This one's for you. - This is for you. - Nice! - Let's do this! - Let's do it. (ELECTRONIC PIANO TONE SOUNDING) (PIANO TONES CONTINUE) (PLAYING 'RUNAWAY' BY KANYE WEST) # Look at ya, look at ya, look at ya # Look at ya, look at ya, look at ya # Look at ya, look at ya, look at ya # Look at ya, look at ya, look at ya... # And I always find, yeah, I always find # # Something wrong # You been putting up with my shit just way too long # I'm so gifted at finding # What I don't like the most # So I think it's time for us to have a toast. # Let's have a toast for the douche bags. # Let's have a toast for the assholes. # Let's have a toast for the scumbags. # Every one of them that I know. # Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs # That'll never take work off. # Baby, I got a plan. # Run away fast as you can. # Run away as fast as you can. # - Soup's on! - Yeah! Hey, Thuwan, how's it going, my man? ETHAN: Now it's Christmas. It's not Christmas till we eat egg drop soup. I'm telling you. It brings me back. Who are you calling right now? - Calling my man Tommy Owens. - You're calling Tommy Owens? - Who's Tommy Owens? - He's the best player in the league. - Tommy! - Yo, C-Money. What's up, my man? Merry Christmas! (CHUCKLES) (WHISPERS): Tell him hi. - Hennessy! - We going to the Nutcracker Ball. I got tickets for my boys. I got us on the list for the party, the after-party, the before-party, - every party, yeah. - Congrats, baby. You coming up big-time. What we do, baby. That's what we do. Tell him to bring some green with him. Oh, hey, yo, C-Money, while I got you on the phone, I hate to even ask, but, uh, you think maybe you could bring us some weed? Yeah, I can get weed, man. Come on, look who you talking to, baby. Come on. Come on, it's Chris Money. - Smoke it up, smoke it up! - So I'll see you at the Nutcracker Ball. I'll bring you a half a pound, and we gonna roll. Much love. One. Chris love out. Peace. (PHONE BEEPS) How much weed you got in that box? - I don't know. Why don't we check? - Check it out, playa. Someone call Snoop D-O-double-gezzank, cos I got the reefers. You have one joint? She doesn't know that much about drugs. The proportions of this shit is all off. Dude, we need to get some weed. Can we just not get derailed here. I mean, this is not about some famous athlete and his weed, this is about the three of us. This is our last Christmas together. It is about a famous athlete and his weed. I've been on this dude's team for six years, and he finally knows who I am. If I can deliver this weed, we could smoke with Tommy Owens and hang with him all night! I'd love to smoke weed with Tommy Owens. See? He wants to smoke with Tommy, right? - OK. OK. - Come on! Where do we get some weed from? I mean... (CHUCKLES) we could call Mr Green. ISAAC: Why are we outside our high school again? ETHAN: Because he's a fucking drug dealer and he's suspicious, and he doesn't meet you unless he's met you there before, so it's either our old high school or this guy's mom's house. - That's not happening. - I know. So it's here. (PHONE RINGS) Shit. That you? Well, it's not mine. No. - (RINGING CONTINUES) - Oh, shit! - That was there before. - Do they even make pay phones any more? - Oh, don't touch it. Homeless people wipe their butts on those. - This is how you gotta talk to him. - Don't pick up... Oh! - Hello. 1998 speaking. That's gross. Oh. Yeah, I see. OK. Thanks. - He's right there. - (BRIEF, RAPID HONKING) - All right. Go ahead. Go get the weed. I'm not going. You're going. Just get it. Come on, don't be a baby. - It's your weed! - Just get it. - It's your weed, man. - Shit! OK, is it just me? He's... changed a little bit, right? I mean, yeah, he seems like he's excited about his fame, and yeah. I think it's our job to sort of just keep him in check. Sometimes, you know, you think it's easy to tell your friend something, and it's actually hard to tell them that thing once you're, like, confronted with the actual moment that you would maybe tell them that thing, you know what I mean? Mr Green! What's up, man? Good evening. How you doing? It's good to see you, man. I'm glad you're open on Christmas. Whoo! A lot of people need me on Christmas, you know? - (CHRIS SHIVERS) - It's a tough holiday. I know you. (CHUCKLES): Yeah! You used to sell weed to me and my friends when we were in high school. Yeah, that's crazy. So... what do you want? Yeah, your best shit, man. That chronic, that dro, that... yay-yay. Some of that. It's good to see you kids still hanging out and smoking up. Makes me proud. Thanks, man. You know, we're just kind of trying to keep the dream alive, you know? But this is not for us; this is for a good friend of mine. Tommy Owens? Quarterback? The Messiah? Well, you know what? As far as I'm concerned, there's only one Messiah. Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. So... that name's a little blasphemous. Y-Yeah. The Weed of Christmas Present. I'm a athlete, so drug-free body. You know, drug-free zone, no smoking. You buying that for somebody and you're not gonna test it? - Why... - That could be oregano. - Orega-what? - Oregano. (DISTORTED, ECHOING INHALE) (BELLS TINKLE) So... Something special supposed to happen? It just did. You're in the present. What? Maybe I'm high or something, man. I don't... Or maybe you're in the present. The Weed... of Christmas Present. Well, with that logic, isn't all weed the Weed of Christmas Present? Only on Christmas, kid. Anyway, that'll be a hundred bucks. Oh. All right. - I'll get your hundreds. - Hey, if you guys ain't doing nothing later, you should stop by this party I'm throwing. It's a hell of a bash. (CHUCKLES) You serious? It's not in my car. It's a real party. We already got invited to something. Sorry. But thank you for the invite. That's no problem. My feelings aren't hurt. Not really. (MONEY RUSTLES) Tell Isaac I'll see you in a couple hours. - What? - Tell Isaac... I'll see him in a couple of hours. How did he get so good all of a sudden? - I don't know. - (CAR DOOR CLOSES) Oh. Here we go, here we go. (CAR DRIVES OFF) - That shit was the weirdest fucking experience of my life, dude. - Really? - But I got the weed! Ha-ha! - Nice! - Nice! Come on, let's go tear this fucking karaoke down. Let them bitches know the Ice Crew in the building! Let's do it, baby! - Hey! - (CROWD WHOOPING) ('CHRISTMAS IN HOLLIS' PLAYS) Whoa! Happy feet, happy feet (GRUNTING) # It's Christmastime in Hollis, Queens. # Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens, # rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese. # And Santa's putting toys under Christmas trees. # Decorate the house with lights at night. # Snow on the ground, snow white so bright. # In the fireplace is the Yule log. # Beneath the mistletoe is where we're drinking eggnog. # The rhymes that you hear are the rhymes of Darryl's. # But each and every year, we bust Christmas carols! (CROWD WHOOPING) Ballerina! Way down here! I think the 'shrooms are kicking in. # My name's DMC with the mic in my hand. # I'm chilling and cooling like a snowman. # So open your eyes, lend us a ear. # We want to say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! # (CROWD CHEERING) Yo, what's up? We're the Ice Crew! We just got one thing to say! Drink some damn Red Bull. Hell yeah! - (MIC DROPS) - (CROWD CHEERING) - Oh, it's happening. Oh, it's happening. - You OK? - You feel good? - Oh, yeah, yeah. - It's Diana! Ethan, it's Diana! DIANA: Hi! Hi! Chris, I want to say hi to you, but you're surrounded by fans! I know, it's crazy! Say hey to Ethan! He looks really great! Let's go outside and Instagram. My social media game is on point! - That guy's really famous now. - Yeah. - Super famous. - So good seeing you guys! - Hey! Merry Christmas. What are you guys doing here? It's the only karaoke place that's open on Christmas. - Yeah, it's our tradition. - Yeah. No, I should've remembered that you guys come here. But Run-D.M.C., I got to see it finally. - You liked it? - It was awesome. Oh, this is what you guys missed. She did Miley Cyrus. - She destroyed 'Wrecking Ball.' It was amazing. - Thank you. - You still like that song. - Everybody does. You can cry to it, you can run to it, you can party to it... - Timeless! - What are you guys doing? We're having a really fun night, actually. We're kind of going not too hard, but pretty hard. We're kind of just, you know, it's our last night doing the Christmas! - End of an era. - Last year. - True, true. - Last year. - (EXHALES) Yeah, but it's been really fun though. Yeah. - SARAH: Of course! - Betsy's giving birth in, like, a month. - She's having a baby, yeah. We're gonna miss her at the office. But she said that you've been doing a very good job, that you're so prepared, you've read every single book on being a dad since books were created. SARAH: I would be losing my shit right now. - Yeah. - That you're prepared, like over-prepared. ETHAN: He's solid. He's got the stats. (ECHOING): A lot of men in your position fucking freak out. - They just leave. Yeah. - And they take off. - It's an epidemic. - It's true. Are you guys... What the fuck?! Are you guys OK? Are you OK? These lights in here fucking with you guys? Like, a lot? - I think that... I think moving around maybe from, uh, um, dancing. - Yeah. I'm gonna call Betsy. I'll be right back. Yeah, it's good... I'll be, I'll be... Give her a call. - You guys have a nice connection. - Yeah, he's... he's a sweetheart. - I'm gonna go to the bar,... - DIANA: No. - ....get more to drink. - No, no, no. - Nice to see you. - Merry Christmas. - You look good. (CHUCKLES WEAKLY) Hi. Hi. (LAUGHS) (PANTS HEAVILY) OK. Oh, come on! Ooh! The shrooms are turning. You got a big night ahead of you. Let's get something else going here. Cocaine. That'll straighten me out. Get in my brain. Make me feel different. Yeah. (SNORTS) Yah! (SNIFFS) Ah! CHRIS: What's up, Messiah? How you doing, White Jesus? (LAUGHS) Yo, check it out. It's C-Rob, man. Yo. So, everything's good. I got you. I... I got the shit, right? I got the weed. I got the smoke. All right? You know what? I don't... I'm-I'm trippin'. I'm-a just text you. All right? Yo, what happened to peace? Peace! C-Rob out. Chris motherfucking Roberts. Well, I'm not Julia Roberts. - (LAUGHS) - But you are a pretty woman. - Ha-ha-ha! - Oh, shit! (IMITATES EXPLOSION) Dude, I am such a fan. Meeting you here tonight, this is, like, enough to make Christmas tolerable for me. Whoa. You don't like Christmas? No. I fucking hate Christmas, OK? Sorry to be, like, a grinch. You know, you're, like, into it. This is... this is amazing. As much as I hate Christmas, - that's how much I love you. - Wow. Sorry. (LAUGHS) OK. I'm, like, being too much. I'm, like, jizzing all over you. I'm getting, like, jizzy. Sorry. No, no, no. Jizz all over me. I like that shit. - You probably want to go back to your friends. - Fuck my friends! (CHUCKLES) Friends come and go, but fans... - that's forever, you know? - (CHUCKLES) - You're naughty. - I'm very naughty. I'm gonna teach you a Christmas lesson, you naughty boy. OK. (GRUNTS LOUDLY) The truth will set you free. (PANTS) Hey, yo. (SNORTS) This is a message for, um, future Isaac from, uh, current Isaac, and... I have to tell you, uh, to listen to me, 'cause right now I have clarity. You should not be having this fucking baby. This baby's a mistake. The baby will ruin your life, you'll ruin the baby's life, and then the baby will fucking murder people! I don't know what you do at this point, but get rid of this fucking baby! Put it in a bag and leave it somewhere! Put it in a basket and push it down a fucking river! Fuck you, baby! Fuck your baby fucking little arms and your fucking chubby little baby fucking legs! Fuck you, baby! Fuck you! (GRUNTS) (PANTS) OK. (SNORTS, GAGS) (SNORTING) (SPUTTERS, GROANS) Have some fun! Yeah! Let's party! ('LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX' PLAYS) (HISSING) - Isaac? - Fuck! Yeah, hey! Ha, Sarah, what up? - Hi. - How's it going? - All right. - Good. Cool. - What's going on? You good? - You're so sweaty. Yeah. - It's hot in here. I run hot. We have this tradition where we wear sweaters. I don't always wear a sweater, obviously, inside. I would normally take it off. I think it would hurt my friends' feelings. You're talking so fast, you sound like an auctioneer. - That's funny. Sold! (LAUGHS) - That was kinda scary. - Sorry. I don't mean to scare you. Like going, 'Sold!' (LAUGHS) - Oh my God! Hey... You shouldn't have said it. Now it's all I can think about. - You want a drink? - OK, sure. - Yeah, let's have a drink. - Cool. I'll be right back. - Thanks, Isaac. # Let's talk about sex. # Let's talk a... (GURGLES) Betsy said you've been asking about me. - That's a lie. There it is. - It is. That's a lie. Betsy would never in a billion years say anything even remotely like that. How's, uh, how's your family? You're asking about my family? That... Sorry, I... I can't believe it. Who are you? - I deserve that. - My family ` thank you for asking ` is fine. But you usually stay with them on Christmas Eve. No? Yeah, I'm staying with them, but I'm... I'm going to this thing with Sarah. - What is it? - (LAUGHS): It's j... OK, she's... dating this guy, and he got us in to this party, and I know you've always wanted to go to it, but I don't... Oh, shit. Are you going to the Nutcracker Ball? - Yeah. I'm sorry. - That's amazing! We're going too. - You are? - Isn't that crazy? - I'm happy for you. Your last Christmas, and you get to go to the big dumb party you've always wanted to go to. - You bringing anyone? - To the party? To the dumb party? Any... guys? Me? Uh, yeah, I'm bringing... just these two guys that I'm... that I'm kind of dating, with, uh, really huge dicks. They've got, like... enormous, almost novelty-size dicks. I've been seeing a girl with a huge vagina. - Have you? - Yeah. I don't know if it really has the same impact. I just hope that this nice young lady's vagina is not half as big as mine. - Your vagina, I mean... - The biggest. - Whoopity, whoopity, whoopity... - I know. Thank you so much. Appreciate that. - It's on your tab. - Cool. (DROP SPLASHES) (OMINOUS MUSIC) - Cheers! Great! - Cheers! This is so much fun! Mm, good beer, good beer. They say beer mellows you out a bit, which is nice. This is kind of cool tasting. Tastes like pennies or something. - Oh, weird. Has a coppery flavour? - Yeah. - Bizarre. Maybe it's the vodka. - You know what? I think they gave you a Crantini. You ever think maybe they're all part of the same Tini family? Martini. Crantini. - It's just a funny idea I thought. - I guess it's funny. - (LAUGHS) - Oh. - Huh? - Isaac? - Yes? - You have a bloody nose. - I what? - Your nose is bleeding. - My nose is bleeding? - Do you not feel that? - Oh, no. Yeah, it's fucked. There's a lot of blood. No, my nose is very tingly right now, and I actually don't feel much. - That's so weird. - Holy fuck! What? Did you bleed in my drink? No. You fucking bled in my drink, Isaac! I'm gonna come clean. I'm on a lot of cocaine right now. I think that's what made my nose bleed. - You're on fucking cocaine?! - Did you drink a lot of it? - Kind of! - Is it that gross? - It's mega-gross. - I didn't do it on purpose. - You're a totally fucking fucked-up person! you should not be a father! - Good-bye. - Fuck you! - Fuck you, Isaac! - I'm sorry! - Fuck you! - No, fuck you! (RAPID KNOCKING) - Hey, piss off! People - are fucking in here! - (RAPID GRUNTING) - (SCREAMING) - (YELLING) - Zero, 11! - OK, now, now take a dump. - Ooh, ooh, oh... What? Hey, guys. Um, sorry to interrupt. Hey, Ethan. We need to get the fuck out of here. I'm losing my shit right now. - What happened? - Please. I want to go right now. - OK. I'm right behind you. - Thank you. - Sorry. - I'm sorry. Yikes. - Uh... I guess that's my cue. - OK. Tell her I'm sorry. You don't have to be sorry. All right, well, I guess I'll see you later. OK. Oh, hey, hey, hey. This is... (LAUGHS): Come on, man. (CHRIS CHUCKLES) - CHRIS: Ethan! - Have you seen Isaac? Forget Isaac. I just fame-fucked that hipster chick in the bathroom. So that's her? Hell yeah. - Can we go? - Yo, yo, are you OK? - Can we go? I'm fine. Let's go. It's after 10; we can call the party number. - Let's call, let's call. - Yeah, yeah. I'll get this address. - This better fucking work. - (RINGING TONE) MAN: If you want your Christmas merry, go to the corner of Grand and Berry. OK, Grand and Berry, please. (VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS) (CELL PHONE BEEPS) Oh! To help keep you safe if there's an emergency, all compatible mobile phones are now able to receive emergency mobile alerts. (CELL PHONES BEEP) Huh? Oh! (WHOOSH!) (BARKS) So when you hear this sound,... (CELL PHONE BEEPS) ...stop doing what you're doing and follow the instructions. (BEEP! BEEP!) 3 Listen, listen, listen. So, Diana is also going to the Nutcracker Ball. - What? - How crazy is that, right? Dude, she's cool. I miss her. Yeah, well, you shouldn't have let her go, dude. You should totally get her back, bro. My mom's named Diana. Yeah, thanks. I didn't let her go. She left me. Well, you didn't want to meet her parents, and you never did, and you just kept making excuses for, like, two years. She made the whole relationship about the one thing I didn't want to do. Dude, you fucked up. Isaac, tell him he fucked up. - You fucked up, man. - See? - Hey, Isaac, you OK? No. I'm not. I think the cocaine and the mushrooms are reacting poorly, and now I think I just got to kind of balance it out. Like, I think I got to make it that I'm more on mushrooms, cos I was having fun on mushrooms. - Look, I just, I have a plan. - Chill out, have a Red Bull. You could also just stop doing drugs right now. Like much, much more mushrooms. Are you gonna be cool at this party, dude? - Cool as fuck, G. - No, you're not cool, G. You look insane. Only your right eye is working. There's gonna be a lot of famous people at this party, and I don't want you to fuck it up. You walk in there looking like a shit show. - Do I look weird now? - Yes, you look weird! Still weird. - Weirder. - He looks fine. - No, you don't! Look, you need to fucking check yourself before... Before... I wreck myself?! - (GROANS) - Is that what you're saying? - Yes. - Chickity-check myself before I wrickity-wreck myself? How does that make someone feel? To be told that they might wreck themselves?! You're not gonna wreck yourself. - You made him feel bad. Why don't you just leave him alone? - No... - Look, he's not right, dude. - I'm gonna mellow out. Why don't you have some weed and mellow out? - You got the weed? - No. - You got the weed, dude? - No. - She stole my fucking weed. - (LAUGHS) She was rummaging through my jacket when I was hitting her from the back. I knew it! She fucking took my weed! - That serves you right. - Dude, it's not funny! - She stole my fucking weed! - (LAUGHS) The last place I want to be is outside my mom's house right now, all right? Well, school's far, and your mom lives close. How long did Mr Green say he would be here in? - Half hour. - OK, that's fine. Let's just go inside and wait. I'm freezing. No, no, no, no, no, we're not going inside. My mom's probably asleep. A half-hour for Mr Green could be, like, two hours of standing here. - We could be dead by then. We could literally die. - All right, look, look. My mom doesn't know I'm here, all right? So let it go. We're not going upstairs. - Wait, really? You didn't tell her? - No. I told her I was in Philly and I got a suite down at the Gansevoort. I just think your mom would be happy to see you on Christmas. I'm not saying she wouldn't be happy to see me. All right? There's just a lot you don't understand. All she wants to do is parade me around and show me off to people. Last time I was here, she made me go to church with her and sign autographs, kiss babies, tell people all my stats and what I did last Sunday. It's too much. - All right, I have a question? - What? Does your mother still have a Nintendo 64? - (GASPS) - Probably. She never throws my stuff away. Why? Right, so that's why you don't want to go upstairs, cos you're gonna lose at GoldenEye. - Aw. - GoldenEye. - GoldenEye. - OK. - Let's do it. One game. - (LAUGHTER) - But nobody touch... Shh! - Nobody touch nothing. - ISAAC: But I love touching things. Shh. (WHISPERS): All right. Dude, did you die and not tell us? - Shut up. - (LAUGHTER) This is amazing. I was there when you won this. You must be so proud. - Ooh! Your bedroom! - Shut up. Dude, Ethan. - What? - I found you. - You found me? - Check you out. - No! - Oh! (LAUGHS) Look at you, man. (LAUGHS) You remember when we all first met at the party? Whose fucking party was that? BOTH: Jocelyn Larue. ISAAC: Yeah, that's right. Remember the cops came? We had to hide in the bathroom? - For three hours. - Three hours! And I was afraid we were gonna get caught, cos you were so fucking loud. Remember you wore that Bob Marley tie-dye T-shirt, and I asked you if you smoke weed? I didn't even smoke weed. I just liked Bob Marley and tie-dye. I didn't get that was the vibe I was putting out there. You could've showed up with purple hair and a cloak. That was my warlock phase. - That was a dope phase. - Hell yeah. I'm surprised you even talked to us, Chris. Like, when I look back, I remember thinking, like, this guy's a jock, - and he's talking to a warlock and a pretend pothead. - True. If it wasn't for y'all, I would've never made it through that school. - (PHONE VIBRATES) - Oh, shit, wait, pause it. - No, no, no, no pause. You have to pause. The phone is buzzing. I'm buying you weed. Pause the fucking game. If you shoot me right now, you forfeit. - Oh, my God, if my mom wakes up. - Yeah, it's him. Mr Green's here. - I'm never getting in that dude's car again. He freaked me out. - Shh. I'll go. Can you even walk? I can fly. Five-O, bro. You're busted. Are you fucking kidding me right now?! - Yeah, I'm just kidding. - Holy shit, dude. Don't do that. Oh, man, hey, yo, good seeing you, dude. Long time. - It has been a long time. - Really long time. Yeah. Yeah, I remember you. - Yeah. - And, you know, I'm proud of what you've become. Husband, lawyer, soon-to-be-father. That's really impressive. Me, I don't have time for kids. You're all my children. You ever think of me as a father figure? No. Put your tiny hand in mine. Yeah. - Rough night, huh? - Little bit. Could you tell? Am I wearing it on my sleeve? I did a lot of drugs ` mushrooms, caps, too many caps. Ate a lot of the caps, and I just, you know, I think... I think it kind of made me freak out a little bit. And, basically, I'm kind of, I'm just having a hard time finding my place in all this. Relax, relax. What's happening right now? Just looking into your soul, man. What are you seeing? You need a nice, mellow indica. I got a great north Cali bud with a soothing body high and... surprisingly accurate visions of the future. Yeah, OK, sure. Whatever you got, bro. Yeah. It's definitely a good time. Unless... you're dealing with some shit you can't come to terms with. No, that's not me! That's a different guy. I think all my issues are drug-related, and my emotional state is completely cool, bro. Take a little shot of this. See if you like it. Come on. I'm good. I think I'll just, you know, I'll just ride the wave I'm on, man, my-my man, main man. I put my hands on you. Take it. Just not too hard. Not too hard. (COUGHING) Where are we? A strip club. 18 years in the future. - Is that my wife? - Yeah. You should probably talk to her. I'm gonna get a beer, maybe a dance. Cool. - Hi. - Sit down. The show's about to start. - OK. - ANNOUNCER: OK, fellas, let's hear it for Sierra. (BETSY WHOOPS) Isn't she amazing? Who is that? That's our beautiful baby girl. What... the fuck?! (WHOOPING) Pop it, girl. Pop that P. Pop it, pop it! You hear me, young lady? Pop your pussy. It's OK, sweetie, you don't have to pop your pussy. You read all those books and you didn't learn shit. You really shit the bed as a dad. (SCREAMS) Here you go, drip, drop, drip, drop. - (SCREAMING) - MR GREEN: I know. Look at my finger, look at my finger. You need to give me 100 bucks and get the fuck out of my car right now. OK! Here! Get out. (SIGHS) ('BABY, ONE MORE TIME' RINGTONE PLAYS) # Hit me, baby, one more time. # Hit me, baby, one more time. - What are you doing? - I don't know what's happening. Let's go. Let's just bail. before you wake her up. I don't know what's happening. I don't know this song. - WOMAN: Hello? Hello? - Hello? - Hey, ma, it's Chrissy-Poo! - Oh my God! - Hey! (LAUGHS) - Chris, what are you... - Hey! - Oh my God! - (LAUGHS) What are you guys doing...? Merry Christmas! Surprise! (STAMMERING) Are you hungry? - Yeah! Yeah. - I can heat up some food. No, no, no, no, no! We just, we just ate. Yes, you are, yes, you are. Sweetheart. Oh, you smell like weed. No! No. 4 - (SIGHS) - More meatloaf, Isaac? Huh? Um, uh, no, I'm OK. Could I perhaps have some, uh, more Chardonnay to wash down my medication, please? Of course. Thank you. So, Ethan, what's going on with you? Uh, not a lot. - Just feeling good, you know? Yeah. - Yeah? - You got somebody special in your life? - No. Well, there was a young lady that he used to date that he ran into today that I thought was pretty damn awesome. Yeah? What happened? - It's a long story. - Not that long. She wanted to get serious, but he wouldn't meet her parents. She wanted to move in, and you say you weren't in the right head place for her to move in. That's some straight-up bullshit. - Give me some, Mom. - OK, OK, OK. OK, what, are you guys ganging up on me now? You like this woman? Yeah, she's awesome, but there's a whole history here that he's brushing over. You want her back? Yeah, I do. If you want this woman, you're gonna have to work for her. But you happen to be very, very lucky, because it's Christmas. And there's magic in the air at Christmas. People's hearts are open. People want to forgive. People want love. I'd take advantage of that shit. I'd find the opportunity and I would seize it. - Thank you, Mrs Roberts. - (PHONE BLEEPS) MRS ROBERTS: I almost forgot, I'm gonna need some more headshots. THINKS: Huh, a dick? From someone named James? His name's in my phone; I must know him. Who is he? Do I like it? What does that mean? Oh, man, maybe it's James McFoley from work? Holy shit. (SIGHS) Do I like it more now? Jesus, I mean, it's a dope dick. Do I want it? Who wouldn't want a dick that looks like that? Do I want to suck it? Oh, man. (GROANS) I'm gonna start putting people's last names on my contacts. No, I've never sucked a dick. But, well, if I'm being totally honest with myself... Damn it, why'd I tell him that? This James guy is just so easy to talk to. I told him too much. Man, I guess that settles it. Isaac Greenberg is sucking his first dick tonight. Did he tell you that they've named a park after him? You're gonna have a park named after you? I petitioned the city. I got the signatures, and now there's gonna be the sweetest little playground in Brooklyn that's named after him. The park is not that nice. Like, there are crackheads and... Oh, sweetheart, they're gonna clean that up. We should get ready to go, guys. We have to move; we're gonna miss the party. - Right? - That's true. - All right. Why don't I just wrap all of this up? You guys can take it down to the homeless shelter. It's only a few blocks away. I'm sure they'd appreciate it. - You're right, Mom. - Oh, you boys are so sweet. Thank you for coming. - (PHONE BLEEPS) - (GROANS) - Want to help me in the kitchen? - OK. Thanks so much for dinner, Mrs Roberts. Oh, you're welcome, sweetheart. Dude, what the fuck is going on with you? - Are you gay? - No! - Are you curious? Everyone is. What does that have to do with this? I don't know. Why are you looking up dicks? - Someone's sending me dicks. - Someone's sending you that? Look, I'll show you. It's a fucking conversation. It's some guy named James. A very nice, eloquent man named James is sending me his penis, and he wants me to suck on it. I don't know what to do. I'm fucking freaking out. - Do I do it? Should I do it? - This isn't your phone, man. This isn't your phone. Oh, shit, is this Sarah's phone? Oh, no. - What? - She has my phone. It's OK, man, we know her. We can get your phone back. There's something bad on my phone. You gonna be around tomorrow? Folks down at the church would love to see you. Well, you know, I'm busy, so, you know, I don't really like to do that stuff, Mom. Won't take much time, boo. I know, I know, it's just, I have a early flight, and, you know, I already feel bad that I have to run back to work so fast. I just got so much stuff going on, you know? - That's all right. - I'm a celebrity now. I got appearances. I got all kind of stuff I have to do, Ma. I can't just be lollygagging around and taking people, meeting old people. I love you. Betsy is gonna get that tape from Sarah, and she's gonna freak the fuck out. Why? Why would Betsy get the tape? Because I bled cocaine blood into her fucking drink. And no one wants to drink cocaine blood. - Yeah, I'm gonna call her. - How do you know her number? - It's your number. - I'm trusting you on this. - I don't understand what's happening. - Where are we? - Sarah has your phone. - So I'm calling it. - Where are we right now? We're at Chris's house. - What the fuck? - You just stay calm, all right? - It'll be OK. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. - OK, you like that? OK, here's the bad news. - What? - She didn't pick up. - What?! - Everything's fine! - ISAAC: I bit my tongue! - That boy need Jesus. - Mm, he needs something. - It's gonna be OK though. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna use Find My iPhone and find the phone. It's loading. There it is. It's in Midtown. Your phone's in Midtown. - Ha! - OK? It's all good. - Ha-ha! - OK, all right. - Wha...? - So, here's the thing. We're gonna go to the party, cos Sarah's gonna go to the party. Hey, guys, let's go. You be safe. Your hair looks great. - Guys, be careful. Thank you, baby. - Let's go, guys. - Yeah, baby, hold on. Let me get you a bag. You need a bag? Wait up! This guy's dick is off the charts. CHRIS: Yo, it's your man C-Rob coming at you live from outside the homeless shelter. We delivering turkeys to homeless people, cos it's the giving season, and they do be gobbling. You know what I mean? So if you're in the season of giving, hit me up at ChrisRob11, hashtag 'selfless giving.' And remember, it's not a good deed if no one knows about it. - I got another dick, dude! - Uh, drink Red Bull. Oh, shit, wait, look, man, it's her. It's the super fan sex maniac that stole my weed. - Come on, let's follow her. - No, come on. We're not gonna follow her. Let's just drop off the food and go to the party. CHRIS: Shit! Look. Now she's stealing from homeless people. That's not right! Now I'm gonna teach her a lesson. OK. Hey! Did you steal my weed? Uh, no? Well, we just saw you rob some homeless people, and I'm missing my weed, so... You got me. I stole your weed. But I told you right away that I'm kind of a Grinch, OK? - (WOMAN GASPS) - Oh. Eat me, sheep. You're an actual Grinch. You're like the mayor of Whoville. I'm building a body of work. I'm following in the path of my Christmas heroes. The Grinch, the Sticky Bandits, Hans Gruber from 'Die Hard.' I walked by you and I heard you going on about your Christmas plans, and you're this football douche, and I Google you. Jackpot. I pretend to be a fan. We have sex, 'yaas,' and then I stole your weed. It's Christmas. You don't steal from people on Christmas. I just want my weed back. You're really cute when you get mad. That's cute. This is the thing I didn't expect ` to fucking like you, dude. You are so funny and talented and handsome. And easy. My God, dude. Hey! I'm gonna fucking catch... (SCREAMS, GROANS) Later, suckas! CHRIS: She Home Aloned me! - Are these Micro Machines? - Wow! - Let's go. - This girl's a genius. Josh, hit the gas! Go! We got to catch that girl! Go! Go down to the corner and make a right! - Hurry up, man! Chase her! - Who? - The girl who stole my weed! - Go! Hurry up! - She stole your weed? - Yeah. - That fucking bitch. I'm gonna kill her. Go get her, baby! (TYRES SCREECH) Oh! (LAUGHS) Guys, my iPhone's that way! We got to find my iPhone! It's the other direction! Please! - Slow down, please! Slow down! - No! Speed up! Don't! You better not slow down! If you're my guy, you won't slow down! - I'm your guy. - Hit the gas! Let's go! (TYRES SCREECH) CHRIS: There she is! There she is! We got her! We got her! Red light. Red light, red light, red light! No! You run that light! Are you my guy? - I'm your guy. - Give me your hand! Run through that light, baby! - (SHOUTING) - (SCREAMING) (TRUCK HORN BLARES) (CRYING): Oh, I fucked up. I fucked up! I'm sorry! (SOBBING) (GASPS) Oh! Are we alive?! - Yeah. - Look, look. Look, it's a sleigh. We can still get her. No, no, no. Let's just go to the party, OK? - We're going on a sleigh ride! - No! We're not going on a sleigh ride. - Let's go! Come on! - Come on, Joshua! ISAAC: Shotgun! (LAUGHS) Shotgun! - (WHINNIES) - Come on! Hurry up. You guys know this can't possibly work. Of course it'll work! Let's get that Grinch! - Let's find my phone! - Mush, motherfucker! Whoa! (SCREAMS, GRUNTS) (HORSE WHINNIES) I'm stuck! My hands are stuck! - (HORN HONKS) - No, no, no, no! Ah, fuck! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! (GROANS) Dude! What happened just now? He's OK. He's OK. He looks OK. Come on! We have to go! She went this way! - Let's go get this weed! - No, no, no! Forget about the weed, man! - We're not gonna split up now. Let's go to the party. - You don't understand, man! It's really important! It's for Tommy, OK?! It's not important. Come on! I'll meet you at the F Train! - You fucking believe this guy? - (PHONE BLEEPS) - My phone! It's close! - I got to go! - No, no. Listen to me. - No, no. You listen to me. If I die, they will play this video at my funeral! - OK! You're on drugs. - Yes! - You're not making sense. - No! - Trust me. - OK. - We're gonna stick together... - Yes. - ...and go to the party. - I'll meet you at the F Train! - No! Dude! What the fuck?! 5 This is crazy. Oh, come on. How does this fucking work? Oh, this is so confusing. Fuck! Oh, my eyes aren't working. What asshole invented this stupid thing? - Hey, man. Hi. - Hey, dude. - Excuse me. Uh... - How's it going? - I'm Isaac, um... - Hi, Isaac. I hate to bug you. I lost my phone and I'm using this app to try to find it. - And... - Yeah? I'm kinda having a hard time. It's confusing me a little bit. You think you can maybe help me out? Yeah, sure, hold my cane for a second. Awesome. Yeah, yeah, sure I'll... Uh, yeah, I'll hold your cane. Hey, Merry Christmas, Isaac. Oh, yeah, Merry Christmas to you, too, man. Ah, thanks. Oh, I've been having a pretty crazy night. I'm gonna level with you, I'm a little fucked up right now. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) No way. You don't say? Yeah, yeah. What's your name? - Spencer. - Spencer. Cool. - That's my family over there. - Hi! I'm Isaac. Nice to meet you. - 'Sup, man? - Hey. You have dogs. Can I pet them? - Yeah, go ahead. They're fine. - Oh, yeah. Thank you. - Thank you. - You're very welcome. - Oh, hi, guys. Hi. - Hey, what's up, Isaac? - Hi. - Come on and give us a pat. (GIGGLES) Oh my God, they talk! Of course. All dogs can talk. - Oh, there's another one. Oh, hi. - Oh, that tickles. - Oh, hi. I love you. - Isaac? Betsy! Oh, shit. (PANTING): Ha-ha. Hi. (LAUGHING): Wow. Wow. - H-Hi. Oh, OK. - Hi. Hi. - OK. - (GRUFFLY): I never want to let go. - (CHUCKLES): All right. - What's happening? - Oh. - What are you doing here right now? What were you doing in the nativity scene? I was hanging out with Spencer and his family. They're really beautiful people. - Spencer and his family? - Yep. They're great people. They're interracial. Why do you have a staff, honey? What's happening right now? Where are we now? - This is the church. - You're here for that? - Yes. - And I'm just telling you right now that you need to go. Because... - I should leave? ...my family is paying for the cab right now, so you need to get out of here before they show up. - Your family's coming? - Yeah. So maybe go and run the other way. - Where should I go? - Just fucking go before they get here. Go. I love you. OK? - I love you. - OK. - I love you. Bye. OK. That's very sweet. Bye. - Why are you coming back? Just go that way. Just get away. No, no. Not inside the church. Not inside the church. Go, go, go. - Get the fuck out of... - I know them. - Hi! Hi! - Hi! Hi! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! - Hi! Look at you guys! - Good to see you. - What a hat. Wow! Hi. - Hey, why don't you come join us? - Come on in for Midnight Mass. - BETSY: Oh, no. - Why not? - I don't think that's a good idea. - Why not? Because he's hanging out with his friends tonight. - Right, Isaac? - I don't see anybody. I don't know where they are right now. But... - Come sit with us. - I never been in a church. - CINDY: Come on. - OK. - Yeah? Yeah! - Yeah! Great! - Let's go to Midnight Mass together. - OK. Yeah. If you say so. BETSY: Save us a seat. How fucked up are you right now? I'm not fucked up at all, Betsy. I'm your rock. - You look like a crack rock. - I'm not. Don't say that. Are you mad at me? - No. Just walk normal, please. - I'm walking normal. - No, you're not. Don't put it there, Isaac. OK. And it's gone. OK. Hi. Merry Christmas. (MAN GROANING NEARBY) MAN 1: Are you giving birth to piss? MAN 2: Oh my God. I was just trying not to shit my pants. - (LAUGHING) You should. - I should? - You should just do it. Why not? - I should just drop a deuce in my shorts. - Just do it! Just do it. ETHAN: That's great. Two more assholes that don't give a fuck about Christmas. - What? - Huh? What are you guys doing? Santa pub crawl, bro! Guys, Santa Claus is a very meaningful thing to a lot of people. - You know, a lot of children. - Here's the thing, man. For those kids, they're living a fucking lie! Yeah. Spoiler alert. Santa's not real, you pricky infant. This is a costume! But when you put on that costume and you portray Santa Claus, you're taking a solemn oath to represent certain values... that it represents! You know who you remind me of? One of my angry elves. Fuck! No. Look, don't call me an elf. I think you got him with that one, Santa. Fuck you! 'Don't call me an elf!' Get back to the workshop! You work for us, elf! - Go back to the workshop, elf! - (LAUGHS) - This little elf has no friends on Christmas. - Mm. - My friends are just down there. - Where are they? We're friends. We even dressed the same. But you, you're all alone, just like a fucking dum-dum. - Oh my God, are you gonna cry? - He is gonna cry. Aw. Did Mommy and Daddy leave you alone on Christmas? - Yeah. - Oh, shit! That's for disrespecting the spirit of Christmas! (MAN GROANS) Aw, fuck. Oh my God. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Fuck you! Man, this really feels like it's about something else here. ETHAN: It's about this and only this! Nothing else! - I almost... I think you're sublimating, man. - (GROANS) - I do not want to hurt you, man. - Oh, no, no, no. I want to hurt him. He sucker-punched me. (LAUGHS) You fucking frat boys! I'm an orthopaedic surgeon. I teach third grade, bitch! I shape our nation's youth! What is with this holiday? It just fucks with people's heads. (GROANING) Wait, this needs to be important to you. - It's ringing. It's ringing. - OK. (PHONE RINGS) (GROANS) Hey. Hey. Hi. Uh, does Isaac have Sarah's phone by any chance? Yeah. Yeah, he has it. - He has it. OK? So relax. - Oh, thank God. There is some very sensitive information on there. It's incredibly sensitive. Wow, what's on the phone? - You-you don't need to know. - How's the party, huh? Is it as dumb as you thought it'd be? Actually, it's kind of amazing. It's really fun. And you should... you should get here. Quickly. What? Huh? Really? You-you want me to come there to see you? That's what I'm saying. That's wh... Come on! - Do you like him again? - Can we not have that conversation right now? - Well, I'm just saying. - DIANA: OK. - OK. OK. Well, we'll see you soon. CONGREGATION: Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses - as we forgive... - # Baruch atah Adonai... # Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. - I'm praying. - That's an... I think that's a Jewish thing. - I-I can't do that here? - No. - It's the same God. - Mm-mm. I did it. - What's everyone doing? Oh, no. - Sit. - What are they doing? - Sit. Sit down. - (WOMAN SINGING) - (BETSY CLEARS THROAT) - This is so cool. - Shh. Whisper. - Are we supposed to participate? - No. - Hallelur! - No. - Not that kind of church, so... - No? You're my rock, right? Can you be my rock? Cos you're acting like a weird pebble. - OK. I think I'm good. - Be a rock. (SINGING CONTINUES) (SNAKE RATTLES) (DEMONIC WHISPER): Fuck you. What's up with this fucking kid over here? - What? - What's this kid doing? (BREATHES DEEPLY) Look over there. Look away, dude. Look away, you... - (HISSES) - BETSY: Stop. Please don't hiss at a kid. He's fucking with me. I don't think he's talking to you at all. - Shh. - (GASPS) - Who's that guy? - What guy? - The guy on the cross. - Jesus. - Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus Christ. - Stop it. - Is that what they think we did to him? - Yeah. - Can you tell I'm Jewish? - Yes. - How? - Your fucking sweater. - (GASPS LOUDLY) - I'm sorry. - Isaac, stop talking. # O Holy Night... - (RETCHING, GRUMBLING) - Isaac. Isaac, what are you doing? Don't throw up. Don't you dare throw up in here. Swallow it like a girl would. - Swallow it. - (GULPS) Did you do it? Let me see your mouth. - Ah! - Don't throw up on me. - Barf bag! Where's the barf bag?! - There's no barf bags. # Fall... # On your knees... # - (YELLS) - (CONGREGATION GASPS) ISAAC: Jesus fucking Christ! (ISAAC GROANS LOUDLY) - He just threw up. - (ISAAC HAWKS PHLEGM) - Yeah. - Yeah. - WOMAN: Oh, God! Oh, Jesus, fuck me. Oh! - (ISAAC RETCHES LOUDLY) - Is it still happening? It's still happening a little. Yeah, just... (GROANS) We did not kill Jesus! We did not do that! (PANTS) (EXCITING MUSIC) Give me my weed, you grinch! Shit! (GRUNTS) Whoop! (GRUNTS) Ah, come on! (GRUNTS) (SQUEAKS) (RAT SCREECHES) (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) Fuck! - What the fuck are you doing? - No, what are you doing, man? You have friends who want to spend the holidays with you. You're lucky you have that. You need to appreciate that before you lose them. That's your Christmas lesson. That's why I'm taking this shit. My boy Hans Gruber died like this. (BEETHOVEN'S 'ODE TO JOY') No! (GRUNTS) What the hell? Wha... Help? CHRIS: Isaac. Isaac. What you doing, man? Oh, thank God, dude. We got to get to this party or I'm gonna get fucking divorced. Help me. How does this thing work? You got to use your MetroCard. Come on, go this way. - Do it, do it, do it. - Wait. - All right, go. - OK. - Did you get the weed back? - Shit got weird. I don't want to talk about it. - Did you get your phone back? - No. Not at all. It's a long story. - Look. - Hey, hey, man, what's the... Oh, shit! What the fuck happened to you? I got beat up by a couple of Santa Clauses. - You got beat up? - Fuck. When? When? A little bit after you guys ran off without me. - Why did they beat you up? - I don't know why they beat me up! Did they mug you? Did they take the tickets? No, they didn't take the fucking tickets! - Then why would they do it? - I don't know. You don't know? Did they say anything? Did they actually just, like, come up... It was just a couple of drunk assholes! It wouldn't have happened if you guys didn't bail on me. - CHRIS: What the fuck is that? - ISAAC: Don't do this now. Please don't do this now! So what's up with you, man? Why are you mad at us? Why you blame everything bad that happens to you on us? I'm just saying, this is the last chance we get to do this, and you guys are so wrapped up in your own shit, you don't really care about Christmas. What does that even mean? When was the last time you checked your phone, Chris? Are you sure one of your famous friends isn't, like, trying to get ahold of you, asking you to fetch him something? You used to hate guys like that. I get it. I get some success, I get some new friends, and you're jealous. - Ah, look at you. So you're a success, huh? - Yeah. You want to talk about your newfound success? - I don't need to talk about it. - You don't think your two best friends see through that shit? See through what? Let's talk about it. What do you see, Isaac? I don't see anything. I don't see through anything. You're 34 years old. Most professional athletes retire right now, but you just got good. How is that? - Practice! - I told you, it was a new diet, a new regimen. - A new regimen? - Yeah. That's what you call it? Yeah, that's what I call it. What you call it? I think I call it putting a needle in your ass. - That's what I call it. - OK. Fine. I'm on steroids. Now what? - News flash ` everybody's on steroids! - You're a cheater. At least I'm doing something with my life. What about you? Sitting around wasting your fucking life away. No girlfriend, no money. Dude! You make music that people have never heard! It's the saddest shit I've ever seen in my life! - Are you fucking serious right now? - Yeah! You need to get your fucking life together. Tell him, Isaac. You shut up! You're ruining my trip! It's really fucked up. Fuck this! Going to the best party of my life, and I'm not wearing some pseudo-racist, - fake-ass acrylic sweater! - Don't take off that sweater! - I'm taking the sweater off! - Don't take off the sweater. Put the fucking sweater back on! I'm taking the fucking sweater off! Stupid! 6 (GENTLE MUSIC) (MYSTICAL MUSIC) (DOORBELL CHIMES) May I help you? Uh... I have, uh... these tickets. Come with me. Come on. (DOOR CREAKS) Get in there. (DOOR CLOSES) (DOOR BUZZES) (DOOR CREAKS, HISSES) (MYSTICAL MUSIC) (TCHAIKOVSKY'S 'THE DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY' PLAYS) May I take your coats, gentlemen? All aboard! (TRAIN CHUGS, WHISTLE BLOWS) (PULSING ELECTRONIC BEAT BEGINS) - (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) - (LIVELY CHATTER) I'm going to find Owens. Gonna find my phone. I'm gonna go find Diana. - C-Rob. - C-Rob. - Hey. Oh, shit, Messiah, White Jesus in the building. - Ah, C-Money in the hizzle. I see you made it. - Yo, man. I wasn't able to get the weed, man. Shit fell apart. - You know what I mean? - I forgot I even asked you. You want some weed? Have some weed. But... Oh, all right. You got a whole fucking dump truck of weed? Dro fo' sho'. (LAUGHS) - So, this it, huh? - Oh, this is it, baby. The Nutcracker Ball! - CHRIS: Yeah! - (PEOPLE CHEERING) ISAAC: Having an emergency! Oh! - Oh my God. My God. - Sarah! Sarah! Are you fucking kidding me?! Get off of me! What the fuck, dude?! - I'm sorry. I'm just happy. - You're so fucking sweaty. I know. It's warm, and I'm on Molly. - Oh my God, is that my phone? - It is your phone. Do you have my phone? Take your piece-of-shit phone back. It's the same phone. That's why we got them mixed up. - But this has some serious shit on it. - I know. You didn't look at it, did you? - You didn't look at any shit on my phone, did you? - No. - Good. - But you didn't look at anything on my phone, did you? I just want to tell you... good job. - You did fucking look at my phone. - I didn't want to. - The texts just were coming in. - What is the matter with you?! All these gorgeous dick pics. A-plus dick pics. That's a boss hog. Wait a second, really? That dick soft is like two of my dicks hard. Do you think, like, it would be... Do you think, like... do you think I could, like, handle it? There was a moment where I thought he was wanting me to handle it, and I had to wrap my head around it for a second, and I thought to myself, 'You know what? You hunker down, you could take that bad boy.' - Really? - Yeah. That guy James, he's got a fantastic cock on him. - MAN: Yo! Somebody say 'cock'? (LAUGHS) What's up? - Hey. - What are you guys talking about? - Nothing. - Hey, what's up, bro? I'm James. - I'm Isaac. - You don't need to meet him. - Hey. - That's your dick! - Oh, shit! - I'm the guy who had the phone! - You saw my dick? - Did I ever! Oh, my God. - He almost sucked my dick. I would've if I'd known it was you, maybe. Oh, shit, are you guys, like, a couple or something? - Am I, like, the third wheel? - No, you're the first wheel. - Am I the third wheel? - Not at all. No. - Honestly, I was with two other guys all night. - Oh, really? Two other guys? I'd love to hang out with two other people. - Well, is that a challenge? - It might be, yeah. Hey, I don't know who I'm gonna start with, but I know who I'm gonna end with. (LAUGHS) Well, fine, let's get started right now! - You guys want to dance? - I'd love to dance. - I would love to dance. - You want to dance? - Yeah. - Let's do it! Come on, Isaac. Oh my God, this is so nice! What a turn of events! What? (UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) Holy fucking shit! You're Miley Cyrus. - Yeah. - No, you don't understand. I was just looking for this girl that I love and she loves you. Oh, God, no. I did that with two fans one time. It got super awkward. No, no, that's not what I meant. Sorry, you don't understand. That'd be awesome. But, no, I-I just mean... this has got to be some kind of Christmas miracle, cos she talks about you and your song a lot, and... I love this girl. Like, I'm starting to realise, tonight, she's the love of my life, and I wanted tonight to be sort of a special night for me and her, and now you're here... You want to propose tonight? Oh my God, that is so romantic. That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I mean, I was just thinking you could, like, dedicate a song to her. What? You got to propose! Come on, it's Christmas. It's like, go big or go fucking home. I mean, you love this girl. You say you love her, right? Yeah, yeah, but I don't know if tonight's, the right time. Oh God, are you one of those guys that are always making up excuses? I fucking hate those kind of guys. - No, Miley Cyrus, I am not one of those guys. - All right, then don't be a pussy. You got to propose to her. There's all this magic in the air. People want to fall in love. OK. OK. Then I will. This is a sign if I've ever seen a sign. - It's gonna be fucking awesome. - It's gonna be fucking awesome! - I'm gonna propose! - Yeah, you're gonna propose, and I'm gonna help you out. Oh my God, we're gonna propose! OK! Miley Cyrus, this is the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me! OK, you got to stop calling me Miley Cyrus. - What should I call you? - Hannah. - Han... - Just kidding. I'm drunk. Let's do this thing. - What's up, man? - Hey, Chris. - Yeah, what up, boy? - Hey, what's up, K? Reverend Run, man. It's your boy, Reverend Run. What that supposed to mean? Hey, Messiah, check this shit out, dude. Oh, shit, is that you? The fuck is that? Nah, it was a Make-A-Wish thing, man. Those two kids have Crohn's disease. It was their wish to do karaoke with me. Man, damn, dawg, you look just as white as they do. (LAUGHS) - Yeah, which one are you? - Look at that sweater! (LAUGHTER) - I got you! I got you! I got you! - (Isaac grunting) - Oh, man! Yeah! - Oh! Yeah! - You're a great dancer, man. - Oh, thanks, dude. Appreciate it. I'm pretty high on Molly right now. - I'm high, too. I'm high, too. - I am digging this beard. - Thanks, man. - Yo, carpet match the drapes? - Yeah, I got a big bush. Yeah. - (LAUGHS) - My carpet matches my drapes. - Oh, yeah! Cool! - Look at this guy! He's furry all over! (LAUGHS) - Nice! - You need to get the fuck out of here. You're being a huge cockblock. - I'm not being a cockblock. Yes, you are. I don't even think I could block this guy's cock. It'd take ten men to block that thing. - (POP INTRO PLAYS) - (CROWD WHOOPING) MILEY: Merry Christmas, New York City! - Oh, no. Miley's here?! - Make some noise! - Miley Cyrus?! # We clawed, we chained # our hearts in vain, we jumped, # never asking why. - This is great! - Where's Diana? This is, like, our song. # A love no one could deny... All right, everybody, give it up to my friend... What the fuck is your name again? - Ethan. - Ethan! (CROWD CHEERS) # Don't you ever say # I just walked away # I will always want you. # I forgot these words. # Doesn't matter though. # I will always want you. # I came in like a wrecking ball. # I never hit so hard in love. # All I wanted was to break your walls. # All you ever did was # Wre-e-eck me. # Yeah, you # You wre-e-eck me... Yeah! Diana... I... Yo, dude, can you move? In the red. Move. Yeah, thanks. Diana... listen, I know we're not really even going out any more, and... that's because I wouldn't commit. - This is crazy. - But I'm ready to commit. Hard. # I'm ready to commit... Hard like a wrecking ball. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, girl. You make me laugh, you're cool as hell, you don't take any shit. - # None of his shit... - You're smarter than I am. - You're probably better than I deserve. - This is so romantic. But go big or go home. Right, Miley? - No, E. - MILEY: # Go big or go home... When I let you go, that was just me fucking up, but I don't want to ever let you go again, not now, not ever. And definitely not on fucking Christmas! - (CHEERING) - # On fucking Christmas... # So this is it, Diana. - Only live once, bro. - Stop encouraging him, James. Will you marry me? (CROWD AAHING) WOMEN: Say yes. Say yes. Yes! Yes! - (CHEERING) - Yeah! - Fuck! - Yes! MILEY: # I came in like a wrecking ball # I never hit so hard in love. # All I wanted was to break your walls. # All you ever did was # wre-e-eck me # # I came in like a... OK, I got... I got to go find my friend real fast. Excuse me. # I just closed my eyes and swung. # Left me crashing... I'm gonna be right back. Uh, y'all stay black. - Hey. - Yeah? All this romance is getting me really hot. You want to go back to the hotel room? Hey, I feel like you might be gay. Not right now I'm not. - OK. - (LAUGHS): All right. Oh my fucking God! Oh my God! Oh my God, this is the greatest night of our lives! - That was crazy. - That was so crazy, right? Listen, I'm sorry about the ring. But I'll get you a ring, I promise. - We can do that tomorrow. - No, Ethan, I'm not... going to marry you. - What do you mean? - What do I...? We're not even together! I haven't even spoken to you in, like, three months. Yes, I addressed that in the speech. No, I know, and then you show up here and you propose to me in front of hundreds and hundreds of people? - That's crazy. - OK, wait. I'm sorry, I... - We're not getting married? - No. - This is a no? - It's a... it's no. No! I'm so sorry that you're clearly going through a lot right now. I'm sorry that your friends don't want to hang out with you on Christmas. I understand that that's hard for you. That is not a reason for you to grab on to me like I'm your lifeline. Why'd you say yes? I said yes because everybody was looking at me! I said yes because Miley clearly wanted me to say yes, and I didn't want Miley to think that I hated love! That's understandable. I wouldn't want that, either. OK, look, I... I was really just trying to do what I thought you wanted me to do, and that's because I love you. It's been three months. I haven't stopped. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not your answer... right now, Ethan. - Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. Can we talk? - No. 7 - Oh my God! Hi. Hi. - Yes? - You're Tommy Owens! - Yeah, yeah, thank you. You're the Messiah! You really are the Messiah. - You saved my fantasy team last year, bro. I'm a huge fan of yours. - That's good to know. - You have a good night. - Wow! You're big in real life. Look, um, can you help me out? You actually... we have a friend in common, Chris, and, um, I'm looking for my buddy Ethan` Oh, shit. - Hey! - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Hey! - I'm sorry. I got it. - (GRUNTS) - (CROWD GASPS) Oh, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's glass, man. Why you picking it up? I'm just trying to help out, man. Oh, shit! (SCREAMS) Holy shit! - I'm sorry! - (GASPS, SOBS) The Jewish guy crucified the Messiah! It was rabbi-dancing motherfucker! It's happening again. It's happening again! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) CHRIS: Ethan? Ethan! Ethan! - Oh, Diana! Hey, congratulations! - No! You shouldn't be... Stop congratulating me. - What? What happened? - Just go talk to Ethan. Shit. ISAAC (in distance): I'm sorry! I'm sorry! - I think he's gonna be fine. - Please punch him in the face! I thought the Messiah preached forgiveness! What the fuck wrong with you? Who the fuck are you? He's my friend! Back off, man! Yo, back the fuck up, all right?! Oh, shit just got real, huh? Yeah, go ahead and punch him, man ` TMZ'll love that shit. I got the biggest motherfucking phone on the planet, and your ass will be trending in ten minutes! Who in here follow Chrisrob11? Put your fucking hands down! - His social media game is crazy! - Crazy! - Run. - (PEOPLE GRUNT) Go, go. Get out there. - (LAUGHS) - Come on! Let's go! I'm a lawyer! (SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE) (HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE) - Mr GREEN: Magical night, isn't it? - Jesus! You scared me. Mr Green. Man, you're everywhere tonight. I end every Christmas at this party. What do you mean? How do you get in? It's my party. What? About 20 years ago, I read 'The Great Gatsby.' I love that book. Movie's all right. 3D gives me a headache, but I'm a sucker for Leo. So this guy... he throws all these parties, and nobody knows who he is. I thought, 'Wow, that's pretty fucking cool.' My cousin Larry's got this giant warehouse in Brooklyn. Figured I'm working on Christmas anyway, so I should do it, too. We started out pretty small. Just a punch bowl and some sleigh bells, and... it gets bigger and bigger every year. This year, we added that... train ` through the trippy tunnel of lights. - Yeah. - Cool way to enter a party, right? - Yeah. Hey, what'd you think of Miley? Yeah, no, she was great. She was great. Ethan, you and I both know Miley was flawless. Something's bugging you. Your friends, they ain't gonna leave you. They need you, kid. How do you know about that? Smoke this. Nah, I'm good, man. Weed makes me paranoid now. This is the staff of life. OK. (CHUCKLES) You're making me a little uncomfortable. I've been told my quiet intensity has that effect on people. But sometimes... being uncomfortable can be a good thing. (MYSTICAL CHIMES TINKLE) (SIGHS) Fuck it. Thanks. (WHOOSH!) ('SILENT NIGHT' PLAYS) (KNOCKING) - Hey. - Hey, man. - 'Sup, dude? - What are you guys doing here? - Uh, you know, we just thought maybe you'd want to hang out and, uh, yeah, some company or something. - Just say what's up. - Yeah, just say what's up. That's cool. Yeah, I'm just... packing all this shit up. Old people have so much stuff. You guys remember that. - You have to throw things away, in life. - Yeah. Uh-huh. For sure. - Play some Nintendo? - Yeah. N64? - Yeah. - Yeah, nah, I think I'm just gonna... chill here. I appreciate you guys coming over, but I think I'm just gonna... - No, man. Fuck that, dude. It's Christmas. - Huh? Come on. You can't be alone. Let's hang out. - Go to my mom's house, play some GoldenEye. - Yeah. Come on. Look, I got some whiskey. I stole some hash from my brother. Rolled it in this doob. We get pretty fucked up. - What? - (CHUCKLES) (CRIES SOFTLY) - Sorry. (SNIFFLES) - No. It's cool. - It's all good. - It's OK, man. (BREATHES DEEPLY) - I just miss them. - Yeah. - Mm. - Yeah, we miss them, too. - Yeah, man. - But you know what? - (SIGHS) - We're your new family now. - Yeah. I'll be your daddy. Chris will be your mommy. - (LAUGHS) - No, I'm gonna be the daddy, you be the mommy. You guys are good friends. - We'll be here whenever you need us, man. - Always, man. Always there for you, bro. You can't smoke that in here. You can't smoke that in here. Figure... figure we can now. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Fuck, that's crazy. - What we hiding this for? - Take a hit, dude. - Wow. - A little bit for the homies. - Ah, yes. It's so cold outside, too. Whew. We should go to Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center. - Oh-ho, yes! - That's a good idea. - Then we go to FAO Schwarz. - Oh, yeah, we dance on the piano! Like Tom Hanks in 'Big.' That's a fucking dope idea. Then we eat Chinese food. Cos I'm fucking high. And then go to the karaoke spot right by the Chinese place. Yeah! - That's a fucking good idea. - Let's do that. It's a dope night. # ...in heavenly... # peace. # That was fucking touching, yo. Those are some ride-or-die homies you got there. Cherish that shit. (SNIFFLES) It's all different now. Those guys don't need me any more. Oh, yeah? Listen. ISAAC: We need him! We're not leaving without him! CHRIS: He's my best friend in the whole world! - I can't leave him here! - Don't let the red noses fool you! - These fuckers are tough! - What if I run in, and you try to climb in a window? Yeah, maybe if you boost me up, we can get around 'em. No, I can't boost you. You're too heavy, man. We need our friend and we'll never leave him behind! - Hand him over, reindeer! - Yo! I'll charge and you go. There he is. There. - Hey! - Dude, thank God! We've been looking everywhere for you! Rudolph is kicking our ass! - I'm here! - Well, get down here so we can go! All right, here I come! Come around! The fucking... - I got your nose! - Nice! I got your nose, asshole! How about that, Rudolph? Huh? Thanks, Mr Green. You're welcome. 8 CHRIS: It was a pretty dumb thing you did. ETHAN: I know. I didn't think it through at all. I just saw her at the bar and just... I don't know, man. I really, really like this girl. I can't help it. I was scared of being alone and did some stupid shit. I think she just wanted you to do some normal shit that boyfriends do after two years of dating. I'm not normal. You know this. I'm not normal. A bunch of abnormal shit happened to me. Or, I don't know, maybe that's just an excuse. I guess I'm pretty good at making excuses. - ISAAC: Yeah. - All the time. - If you could get paid for that, you'd be really successful. - Don't. - Why didn't you tell me? - You know. It's hard to tell someone. You have a good reason to be making excuses. It's just kind of ruining your life. It's harder to stay friends with people when you're older. You have so much of your own shit going on. CHRIS: We'll just have to try harder. It's important, you know? - Come on. - (LAUGHS) I really love you. - I love you a lot. - Thanks, man. (PHONE CHIMES) Oh no. - ETHAN: What? - Oh no. - CHRIS: What's up? I have 96 missed calls. - (LAUGHTER) - Holy shit! - Oh no. Oh no, Betsy's gone into labour, I bet. - No. - Why the fuck would she call that many times? - (RINGTONE PLAYS) - Oh, no, she's calling again. Hello? Hello. Yes. Uh... All right. All right. That's fine. Uh, I will be right there as fast as I can. Don't worry. Betsy's going into fucking labour. - ETHAN and CHRIS: What? - (SCREAMS) (ALL SHOUT) (DARLENE LOVE'S 'CHRISTMAS (BABY PLEASE COME HOME)') Oh, we'll never get a fucking cab over here! Wait! Look! It's Mr Green's car! It's a Christmas miracle! - Isaac, can you drive? - Yeah. No, no, no, I'm kidding. I'll drive. (ISAAC GRUNTS) I believe I finally earned these. (WINGS WHOOSH) - (ISAAC GROANS) - I got you. There you go, there you go. - Out of the way! Get out of the way! - (HORN HONKS) # ...when you were here # and all the fun we had last year. # Christmas. # Pretty lights on the tree. # Christmas. # I'm watching them shine. # Cindy? Cindy? Where is she? Is everything OK? It's OK. It's OK. Nothing happened. - Really? - False alarm. - Oh, God! False alarm. - Man. Betsy. - Betsy, thank God. I'm so sorry. - Where were you? I'm so sorry. I made a mistake. I made a huge mistake. - I called you. - I lost my phone. I switched phones with Sarah. - From work? - It's a long story. It... Look. It doesn't matter. I just need to tell you something, OK? OK. I'm gonna come clean with you. Those drugs you gave me... they sent me on a spirit quest. You know, like a spirit quest, like in an Oliver Stone movie? - Or 'Young Guns'? - Yeah. And while that happened, I kind of realised that maybe I've been lying to, maybe, myself and you about how I really feel about some stuff. Look, I'm just gonna show you this. Just watch this. - OK. - ISAAC (RECORDED): This baby is a bad fucking call. I'm not ready for it! We got to do this responsible thing, and I got to say that we should not be having this baby! - But get rid of this fucking baby! - (BETSY CHUCKLES) - Put it in a bag and leave it somewhere! - (LAUGHING) Put it in a basket and push it down a fucking river! - Are you laughing? - This is hilarious. OK, I can't watch any more. But honestly, I'm a little relieved. - You are? - I mean, are you kidding me? I feel like such a dumb asshole compared to you sometimes. It's all been a lie, it's all been a front, because I'm fucking freaking out. It's all just been to compensate for the fact that I don't know anything. This is good. You need to let it out. This is good? OK. I'm letting it out. - You need to not bottle it up. - One of us has to not be freaking out. - Well, I'm actually OK. - Really? All of a sudden, I was just thinking about everything you've been saying about how strong we are and how we can handle it, and that... that made me feel better. - Really? - Yeah. I really feel like I can do this. Look at me. - I'm your rock. - You're my rock? - I'm Dwayne. - Wow. I get to have sex with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. I love you, Isaac. I love you, dragon. Betsy. Did you say 'Dragon Betsy'? - I'm gonna keep being honest. I'm trippin' my fucking balls off still. - Yeah, that's what I thought. And you look like a dragon right now. - I do? - Yeah. (ECHOING SCREECH, LAUGHS) - Ah! - Is that scary? - It's intense. - (ECHOING SCREECH, WHOOSH) Let's just go. Can we just go? Let's just go. # Bells will be ringing # the glad, glad news. # Oh what a Christmas # to have the blues. BETSY: What is it? Aw. Couldn't have been easy to tell me that. It's not gonna be easy to tell the world, either. Guess we gonna lose the park, huh? Ah, fuck that park. It got crackheads. Say the grace, boy. Yes, ma'am. Heavenly Father, thank you for this food we're about to receive. Thank you for my mama. Thank you for my friends and their families. Father God, watch over them and protect them... # Please come home for Christmas. # Please come home for Christmas. # If not for Christmas, # by New Years night. # Friends and relations # send salutations. # (SIGHS) (DOORBELL RINGS) (SIGHS) Hi. Really? - What? Are you gonna propose to me again? - No. - Are you sure? - Nah. I just, I just want to talk to you. And I have something to tell you and I want to tell it on Christmas, if that's all right, so... it can't wait. Can you just come out here for a sec and we'll talk? And then I'll go. Promise. OK, fine. - (SIGHS) Um... - What? All right, first of all, I'm sorry about last night. - I know that was stupid. - Yeah. Um, and, uh... and... it was totally crazy that I wouldn't meet your parents. That was just me being really... Yeah, I-I agree with that. But I guess, uh, I was... I don't know, scared, cos you know, Chris and Isaac have been my family for the last ten years, and... so I didn't want to meet your family, cos that would change everything. But everything changes, right? We all grow up. And... that's a good thing. I want to grow up. I do. I want to grow up with you. And I do want to have a family... other than two dudes. But... I want that family to... I want it to be you. Which is... probably worse than proposing, because now we're talking about you bearing my children. Yeah. It's a lot. But just pretend I'm saying it right, if you could. I'd rather be the guy from now on who says too much than not enough. If we're being honest, I should apologise to you also for... stalking you. A little bit. I knew that you were gonna be at that bar last night. You pretended like that was just coincidence. I did. And also, if we're confessing things... I do ask... Betsy about you, kind of all the time. She doesn't let on. I know. Cos she's my friend. I ask her about you every time I see her. Oh, I know. - Yeah. - She tells me every time you ask. - She doesn't tell me that you ask her. - She's a girl. That's how it works. Can I come in? In here? In... This is my parents' house. - I know. - But I thought that you... you didn't 'do' parents. - I'll do your parents. - (CHUCKLES): Oh. Wow. Nice. Don't do my dad doggy-style; he's got very bad knees. - (LAUGHS) - He's an old man now. All right. - Hey. - Yo. I kind of want to kiss you, but, uh... maybe not so soon after saying I would do your parents. (CHUCKLES) OK, come have sex with my... with my mother and my father. I thought you were saying, 'Come have sex.' - With my mother and also my father. - (CHUCKLES) # Mmm. # No more sorrow, # no grief and no pain. # Cos I'll be happy, # Christmas once again. # She won't sleep. - Can we try? - Are you sure? - Showtime. Let's do it. - Yeah, yeah. - Thank you. CHRIS: Mwah! - ISAAC: Hey, sweetie. - ETHAN: This is the best. Come here, little sweetie, come here. Oh, look who it is. - That's a good smile. - Who are these guys? - Look at that. - Who are these guys? Who are these guys here? - Should we do it? - Yeah, do it. - Let's do it. # It's Christmastime in Hollis, Queens. # Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens, # Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese. ALL: # And Santa's putting gifts under Christmas trees. - # My name's DMC - (BEATBOXING) # With the mic in my hand # I'm chillin' and coolin' just like a snowman. # So open your eyes, lend us an ear. # We want to say merry Christmas # and happy New Year. # (coos) CHRIS: That's good. Wow. NARRATOR: The end. How was that for a Christmas story? - Nice! - That was nice! - (EXCITED CHATTER) That was some shit! Shit happened! Things went down! Lessons were learned. Friends are important, but relationships evolve. I'm so glad Ethan and Diana ended up together. I hope he get her pregnant. I'd like to give a special shout-out to my seed for killing it again this Christmas. (LAUGHS) Best I ever did it! Shit, Pop. Thanks. Thanks for noticing. Right now let the after-party begin! DJ Kevy Kev! Let's turn up! Holla! # It's time to dip dive dip # You might break a hip # To the sound that's legit # I've come to make a hit # I usually bust scratches for my brother, CL Smooth. # But, I decided to get wrecked on this groove # As I provide the slide # You're going on a ride. # I know the weather's nice, # There's no need to play the outside. # Guess who's on the flyer. # The man of your desire. # Pete Rock and CL Smooth all the honey-dips admire. # Beats are rough and rugged Pete Rock is the creator # Now I'm busting raps while switching cross-faders # Making sure my sound hits from here to Grenada. # Honey gave me skins, man, I told her friends I ate her. # But, wait up I save this subject for later # But, it's time to catch wrecked with the creator. # # I'm addicted like a stoag # Not into vogue # (Yo, Pete, there's a girl on the phone) # Tell her to hold cos I'm busy kickin' rhymes to the rhythm # Fortified with soul cos that's what I give 'em # Honeys form a line form a line cos I always seem to capture # Beats made of rupture # Rhymes made of rapture # Far from illiterate # Always seem to get a hit # If you try to step to this, don't even consider it. # Skins when I want 'em, # But only when I eat 'em. # To set the record straight, I'll be damned if eat 'em. # Call me Pete Rock # I make the girls flock # And if you want a beat like this, I got them in stock. # So, flow with the flow because you know I'm good to go. # As I proceed to get wreck on your stereo # Not an imitator, just a crowd motivator # But it's time to get wreck with the creator # CL Smooth, cut it up like this. #