MAN: In every group of friends, there's always one guy who can best be described as the inappropriate one. I call that guy a Barry. A Barry says and does things other people only think. He does not know the word 'propriety'. There are all kinds of Barrys - old Barrys... ..young Barrys... ..and Barrys all over the world. And that's me and my three best friends when we were 10. The one on the end, that's our Barry. His name is Barry. Growing up, we thought Barry was hilarious. He played pranks on girls, infuriated teachers, and we loved him for it. But as we've gotten older and started having careers, wives and families, he's become an embarrassment, a detriment to our livelihoods and reputations, a social wrecking ball. I believe friendship has no limits. At least, I did, till Barry went too far. ('TEARS IN MY BEERS' BY MEAN JEANS) MAN: He never, um, passed up a...opportunity to appreciate a moment. My dad had... so many great qualities. Um... He was loyal. He always put others before himself. He made an indelible impression on...on everyone - my mom, my son, JT, and myself. Especially during that tough time after my wife passed away. So for all these reasons and, uh, really, too many more to count, I'll miss you, Dad. MINISTER: Thank you so much, Rafe. Does anyone else have any remembrances they'd like to honour the deceased with? Just a simple anecdote or memory to honour him by. -MINISTER: I know... -Oh, I should say something. -Hm? -I should say something. -No, you should not. -Yes, I should. Rafe's dad is not getting the treatment he deserves. We ought to celebrate the man's life. -I think it's fine. It's fine. -Next time, man. Next time. -(CLEARS THROAT) -Barry. -Anyone? -(CLEARS THROAT) -Sir? -Barry. Barry. Have you thought about what you're gonna say? Yeah, for years. -No, no, no. -Hey, hey. Shh. -No, no. -I know. I know. I know. Thank you. (WHISPERS) -Hi. I'm... -(FEEDBACK WHINES) Louder than I thought. (CLEARS THROAT) My name, for those of you who don't know me, is Barry Burke. And, uh...I've been friends with Rafe, Kurt and Desmond since we all went to camp together in the fifth grade. It was the best time in my life. Our motto back then was "Pals forever", and it still is today. As a matter of fact, the first time I met Rafe, he proved to me what a great pal he was by pulling Susie Henchy off me when she tried to choke me for kissing her - do you remember that? Her reaction pretty much set the trend for my present romantic life. It is not good. (LAUGHS) Uh... The point... the point, is, um... I'd be remiss if I didn't say a few words about his dad. He was such a special guy to all of us. Thank you. I remember the time in sixth grade when he came to our school and snuck us out of PE, took us to our first porno flick. -No, no. -I'll never forget that. Kurt, you popped in your pants right there in the theatre. Kurt the Squirt - that's where that nickname came from. That's interesting. I remember thinking to myself, "Jeez, Louise, "that is a lot of semen for a 10-year-old." -We all had to clean it up. -Didn't happen. Talk about leaving an indelible mark. -I'll never forget that one. -I think maybe... And I remember this other time, in the seventh grade, when he taught us how to smoke the weed. -No, no, no, no. -Remember that? Yeah. He taught us how to roll it, puff it, pass it. He taught us how to smoke weed! You got us so blazed, dude. You got us so blazed! You just... -Come here. -Oh, my God. -Photo op. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Not supposed to touch the body. And...although he may have had some honey on the side, he loved you, Mrs Griggs, he loved you. And I don't think there's a single solitary soul in this building who doesn't know that. WOMAN: What? Now, I can go on and on and on about this...fella, but I won't. We're gonna raise a glass for you tonight, Mr Griggs, 'cause we all know how much you like to get your drink on. (IMITATES EXPLOSION) Boom. Hope they serve up there in heaven. RIP, space cowboy. -(ORGAN PLAYS) -Why'd you push me? MINISTER: Thank you, Mr Burke. That was... ..awful. Um...if we could all just move to the reception area, um, very quickly, just because...if we... Come on. What were you thinking, Barry? I thought everybody knew, obviously. No-one knew, least of all my mom. It sounded so good in my head, Rafe. -It sounded so regal. -Regal? Everyone probably suspected it. -Look at you. -What does that mean? It means that everyone knows you're too busy chasing around random skanks to spend any time with your son. -That is so not true. -Dad. Hey, buddy. You OK? Are you sad 'cause... 'cause Grandpa died? I know, buddy. It's, um, sad. It's really just sad. But, uh... Do you know what? Just think of the good times and stuff. (CLEARS THROAT) Hey. Hey. Hey, buddy. -Hi, Uncle Barry. -Not doing too good, huh? -No. -No. Me neither. Do you remember how you and your grandpa used to get ice-cream every Sunday? -Yeah. -Do you want to honour him? -Yeah. -Hot dog! Let's honour the man. What are we doing sitting here? Meet me at the dessert tray in two minutes. We'll see who can scarf three chocolate-chip cookies faster. My money's on me, short stack. Alright? And then we're gonna put some crumbs in Uncle Dan's jacket, because Uncle Dan is a you-know-what? -Scrotum. -Total scrote bag. Now, go ahead. Swing out of here, you little monkey. Wow, man. He really loves you, Barry. Yeah. You just got to make it fun, man. -It's not that hard. -You should go with him. Yeah. I should. I'll do that...uh, later. Excuse me. I never got a chance to thank you. -You run a lovely funeral... -You guys are giving me shit? He's trying to get laid at his dad's funeral. -(PHONE BUZZES) -Don't. -It's about the pitch. -Don't take it. Let's go. My feet are killing me. OK, well, maybe just one moment longer, you know, for Rafe, 'cause it's a big day for him. Well, it's not like we can do anything for him. -His dad's already dead. -I know. I just... I'll give you another foot massage. Whatevs. Just find me when you're ready. Alright. I love you. You gotta break up with her, man. -What? -You gotta break up with her. -Are you on drugs? -No. She walks all over you. You're just too blind to see it because you're in shock that she talks to you, let alone actually dates you. OK. Newsflash. Desmond and Rafe love her. -No, they don't. -Yeah, they do. They're just too afraid to tell you. You deserve better than her. She's mean! She's manipulating you with that kiss. Don't you see that? I mean, yeah. Any guy would gladly get up to his nuts in her guts. OK? -That's not in dispute here. OK? -Thank you. The problem is she's a twunt. It's a new term I'm using. A combo of two words. Guess which two. -Oh! -Yeah. Would you prefer 'cwat'? -The terms are interchangeable. -She's not a twunt or a cwat. -She's both. -No. She's the one. She's the one! (LAUGHS) Oh! Oh! Oh. -I did it again, didn't I? -Yeah! I'm kidding. I was kidding about her being a twunt, man. And about her looking like an Eastern-European porn star. You didn't say anything about her looking like an Eastern-European porn star. -Not around you, no. -OK. You look like a Western-European porn star. -That's what I'm shooting for. -You're the cwunt now, dog. -What? -Peace. 'Cwunt's not even a word, Kurt. Hey, JT. (CHUCKLES) Let's get to those cookies, huh? BARRY: Oh, man, I feel so bad about what I did to Rafe. It's the only thing I can think about. It's plaguing my mind. Man! You work with a lot of pretty ladies, don't you? Barry, look, I know you need somebody to talk to right now. You can't just drop by my office whenever you feel like it, OK? -Yeah. -This is an important time. On the last run of this pitch. I'm up for creative director. -Are you listening? -Yeah. -Well, then... -Oh, yeah. Oh, hell, yeah. -Who is the cutie-pie? -Yeah, that's the, uh... -That's the account planner I was telling you about. -That's her? Being around that all day, get horny enough to go home and screw your wife every once in a while. Excuse me, but Rach and I have plenty of sex. Oh, you do? I didn't know that. When was the last time you had intercourse? -Um... -My point exactly, Desmond. Can I...can I be totally blunt with you for a sec? -Can you not be blunt? -I don't think so. I tried one time. I had a migraine for three days. Your marriage is not your only problem, OK? Whatever happened to high school Desmond? He was fun. He'd, like, smoke pot every once in a while, play the keys, hang out. Now you're like this unrecognisable workaholic robot. You won't even go out for lunch with me. (SIGHS) Fine. We'll get lunch, OK? Just let me finish these storyboards. Oh, yeah. Of course. All about the work. Right, 'cause if we land this account, dude, it'll be a total game-changer - you know what I mean? Barry? Good morning. Oh... Oh, my God. -Oh! That is a bad combo. -What's that? Lox and sausages. Loxauges. -Yeah. That's a lot of meat. -Yeah. Don't do it. How do you get any work done around here? -Halfway to Bonerville. -Where's Bonerville? In my pants. I'm fighting a semi right now. -A semi? -Semi-hard-on. I'm half-mast from looking at all this talent around here. Yeah, well, advertising does attract a lot of good-looking women, so... -You work here? -Actually, I own the agency. -What?! -Yeah. Nice moves, man. Look at that. It's boner o'clock. Barry, what are you doing? Bill, I'm sorry. No, no, he... He's...he's cracking me up. -What? -Yes. I was cracking him up. Just telling him how these women are giving me a Woodrow Wilson, especially that cute brunette account planner he pointed out. -Yeah? -So, uh, Bill, the pitch is... -No, no. Wait. Wait. Go ahead. -She's hot. DESMOND: I don't know what you're talking about. Right there. That's her right there. There she is right there. What are you... That one! Her! Desmond was telling me when he used to have sex with his wife, he used to imagine her instead. She was his closer. Know what I mean? Bill, don't lie to me. You've done the exact same thing. -I bet you I haven't. -Why? 'Cause you've got ED? No. Because she's my daughter. (COUGHS) -You made her? -(HIGH-PITCHED) Mm-hm. Des, I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I'm so sorry. Seven years I put in here, Barry. I know. I'm gonna go back in. I'm gonna talk to your boss. -I'll sort the whole thing out. -Don't! You've done enough. -Des, I need a ride. -Fuck you! Uh, yeah. Kurt. It's Barry. I, uh...I feel terrible. I'm... I got Desmond fired today, and I'm outside your house. I really need to talk to somebody. So, uh, I'm just gonna wait here for you. Alright? Um... Actually, I remember where you keep your key. I think I'm just gonna let myself in. So, um, I'll see you when you get here. OK. Thanks, bud. (DOG BARKS) Yes! (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS) What? What the hell? What is this? KURT: That was fun. You look so pretty tonight. -Oh, you keep saying that. -Well, it's true. You do. Oh! (CHUCKLES) I got it. -Mmm. -Thanks. That was a really good restaurant, huh? What? It's rated one of the best in the city. -Really? It didn't seem like it. -Well, it is. Why are you being so sweet tonight? Because I have a surprise for you. -What kind of surprise? -You'll see. Oh! Oh, God! Oh! This is not the surprise I was talking about. I'm really sorry about this. Don't. I'm not gonna lie. This is exactly what it looks like. -OK, put it away. Whoa! -OK. -You know what, guys? I'm sorry. -Don't. -Bring it on in for a hug? -Uh-uh. -No, no! -Barry, stop. (BOTH MOAN) -You mean he still had a... -Boner. -Oh! -A raging boner. So it was less of a hug and more of a dry hump. He was practically inside of her, for crying out loud. So she dumped me, naturally. She said if I'm still friends with Barry, I'm practically as juvenile as he is. -I'm sorry, bud. -It doesn't matter anymore. DESMOND: Guys, I know we've been friends with Barry since before we hit puberty, but, um... I'm over it. I am over it. I mean... The dude's heart's in the right place, but let's face it, man, he is a menace. I mean, when we were kids, it was great. Yeah. It's fun. We're adults now. We're trying to have families and careers and relationships, Kurt, and Barry's making that impossible. -It's his Barryisms. -What are you saying? I'm saying that we'll always love the guy, but we cannot live with him anymore. Yeah, but, I mean... Barry's always there for us. Yeah, that's the problem - he's always there screwing everything up. He's a real ragamuffin. What if we were to get rid of him? OK. (WHISPERS) I think I get what you're saying. I just want to clarify something. I can't kill someone. I can't. But I want to help. I'll dig the hole. I'll dig it. I don't want to, but I'll do it. We're not talking about murdering him, Kurt. -That's not on the table. -I knew that. Everyone was... was hashing it...it out. -You want to disown him? -No, no. That wouldn't work. He'd just keep coming back like a zombie or something. -Like an intervention? -No. He'd relapse. No, dude, this...this requires something far more stealthy. Right? I'm talking about making someone else deal with him. OK. Alright. So we, uh...we hire someone else to whack him? That way, we're not even connected to the murder. We're getting away, hands clean. We go down to Mexico, chill out, drinking, smoking weed. I maybe get addicted to heroin, but that's cool. I'm not talking about whacking him, Ray Liotta. (LAUGHS) Obviously. See, what we need isn't someone who can put up with Barry. What we need is someone who has to put up with Barry, the type of person who has to put up with a never-ending stream of infantile behaviour 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for their entire life. -A therapist. -A wife. -Wife. -A wife! Yeah! Boop-boop-boop! (IMITATES EXPLOSION) -Yeah! -Yeah! You were locked in a closet as a kid. He's always talking about wanting to meet someone anyway. -We'd be doing him a favour. -I like it. -Scratch that. I love it. -I don't know, guys. -I mean, I need him. -What are you talking about? I mean he babysits JT every Saturday night. That's my prime date night - in fact, he's with him right now so I can go meet the funeral director at 9:00. Yes, that's happening. -Hand over fist. -Don't catch it. No. -Make a fist. -I don't...like it like that. DESMOND: Let me ask you a question, Rafe. When, um, Barry's babysitting JT, what exactly do they do? I don't know. They have a blast, though. They play video games, watch movies. Well, uh, looks like Barry just posted what they're actually doing. OK, yeah, throw, throw, throw, throw. Go! Run! Run, run, run, run, run! -JT: Holy shit! -Let's marry off this fucker. Why you guys so keen on finding me a girlfriend all of a sudden? Pals forever, remember? We want you to be happy. Yeah, man, plus you're such a catch. It's a total mystery how you're still single. Listen, guys, I promise you, I'm gonna put my best foot forward today, OK? -Boom. -Bring on the vagina. Huh! Huh! Alright. (BELL RINGS) -MAN: OK, everyone. Get started. -Hi. -Hi. I'm Leslie. -Hi. I'm Barry. -Hi. -Hi. -Next! -Excuse me? -Next. -Uh, Barry. That's not how speed dating works. -I'm not feeling it with her. -Are you kidding me? -Is he kidding me? -Sadly, no. Listen. No matter what you're feeling... -I'm not feeling anything. -Really? No offence to you. You're beautiful. We're just... -You know, we don't have it. -Wait until they ring the bell. The bell? I got to talk to her for the whole five minutes? -Yeah! -I'm sitting across from you. I hear the words coming out of your mouth. Look, if it's any consolation, he's always like this. -Yeah. -Nice shirt. Do not... Hey, do not make fun of my friends. -Fuck you. And fuck you. -What? What did I do? I have to live with this! Quite the mouth on her. She's got some anger issues. Barry, Barry. Listen to me very carefully, alright? When you meet these women, whatever comes to your mind... -Yeah? -..say the opposite. Got it. Uh, yeah. Backwards Town. Got it. Oh, yeah, that looks super-real. I can't tell at all. That shirt does not give off the impression that you own several stray dogs. Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me. I mean, uh... You do not look like a cutter at all. Even harder than we thought. It's time to bring out the big guns. KURT: So, Mr Goker, how does this exactly, um, work? Well, the brides obviously don't come in the mail, but, uh, they do come in a very small crate on a boat, and we, of course, make sure to poke the holes in the box so they can breathe. -Keep it human. -Oh. I'm kidding! (ALL LAUGH) We don't put 'em in a box. What are we, monsters? No, just a...just a very small, dangerous boat. So I guess you're the man with all the bitches. -OK. Bitch? -Yeah. OK, I got to ask you guys a question right now. Do you, uh... Do you guys hate women? -No. -No. 'Cause I don't sell women to men who hate women. We do not sell bitches! If we did, it'd be called Goker's Mail-Order Bitches! Not Goker's Mail-Order Brides! OK? Uh... That was... It's just a slang term, you know. I'm just going to put it out there. Um... I'm not... I'm not actually looking... -Is that OK? -Yeah. I am not looking to marry anybody. Just a girlfriend. Unless she's, like, super... super-duper cool, then maybe, or if she's a nympho. Look, let me make something very clear here, alright? Here at Goker's, we are not just about business. First and foremost, we are about love, passion, romance, fucking, OK? Hot fuck action at a really reasonable price. Hot flippin' and flappin', smackin' ass cracks together, alright? You ever slam your ass crack against a woman's ass crack? It rivals penetration, guys. I know you don't believe me. But you're gonna be able to try it with one of these women and find me right. So, just to be clear here, on your old application... Now, your name is Barry Burke. Your favourite food is fried. Your favourite book is the novelisation of the Bill Murray classic 'Stripes'. It's one of my favourite books. I did not care for the movie. And you live off a settlement you got from the city for walking into an exposed manhole. Yeah. I actually... I removed that manhole cover myself and then intentionally walked into said manhole. But that is... that is neither here nor there. Oh, no, no. That is both here and there, my friend. -That is genius. -I'm a geniu... Can you say that to them, please? Alright, Barry, prepare to meet the new love of your life, Juanita. Wow. Oh, my God. She's beautiful. Schwing! Her village has been completely ravaged by disease, flood, famine and rubble, so she is very open to meeting gentlemanly, successful American men. OK, well, how about a not-so-gentlemanly, not-so-successful American man? You kidding me? She'd marry a raccoon with an extended asshole if it got her out of her fucking village. She's gonna love you, man. (LAUGHS) To help keep you safe if there's an emergency, (VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS) all compatible mobile phones are now (CELL PHONE BEEPS) Oh! To help keep you safe if there's an emergency, all compatible mobile phones are now able to receive emergency mobile alerts. (CELL PHONES BEEP) Huh? Oh! (WHOOSH!) (BARKS) So when you hear this sound,... (CELL PHONE BEEPS) ...stop doing what you're doing and follow the instructions. (BEEP! BEEP!) 1 So how was your plane flight? Oh. Uh... De plane. De plane. (BUZZES) -(WHOOSHES) -Ah! Ah! Si. Muy bueno. Muy bueno? Good. Very good. That's good. Yeah. Probably not a lot of planes where you come from, huh? Not a lot of planes where you come from? Cars either? Probably not a lot of cars. What do you use to get around? A donkey? You ride a donkey? Yeah. A donkey's probably safer anyway, yeah. 'Cause I bet you like to throw back the cervazas. -Mmm. Cervazas. -Cervaza. Yeah. Tequila! -This is hopeless. -I was hoping that we could make it a little physical. Because I noticed you carry a formidable amount of junk in your trunk. -Junk in trunk? -Face it, guys, it's over. -We'll never find him a wife. -Let's go. I want to meet up with that funeral director anyway. So you work at the Parks Department? (ENGLISH ACCENT) Yeah. I am director of events. -Wow. -Yeah. -What a cool job. -It is. It's really cool. We do concerts and Shakespeare in the Park. -I go to that. -You do? -I love that! -Oh. I have to work a lot of weekend nights, but it's fine - I love it. -So, yeah. -I don't want to freak you out. 'Cause this is, obviously, our first date, but...you're the total package. -Really? -Well, yeah. I mean, your online profile was nice and charming, and the picture is beautiful, but in person, you're just, like... ..radiant. Oh. Um... Well... I think you're pretty great too. Well, thanks. I'd like to take things slowly, if that's alright. Yes. Couldn't agree more. I like to take things slow myself. I didn't think you were that type of girl. What type of girl? Someone who would just jump in the sack on the first date or whatever. (LAUGHS) -I am that type of girl. I am. -Oh, really? -Yeah. -Yeah, right. We'd probably be fucking right now if it wasn't for my... situation... ..below deck. Maybe I can give you a hint. It rhymes with 'beast inspection'. -Do you get it? -I think I know what you mean. So...it's not itchy anymore, but, um, it just probably doesn't smell very good. Anyway... So, what kind of music do you like? -I'm mostly into reggae and dub. -Dub, ska. Dance hall. -My favourite food is fried. -Italian and Mexican. And Mexican. (CLICKS) Also Italian and Japanese. Oh, I am a sushi slut. -How does that manifest itself? -I'm a whore for sushi. Uh, also... Wow. I can't believe you ate that all in one bite. You're like a boa constrictor. -Ohh! -I'm gonna be straight with you. Your breasts were a lot bigger in the photo. In your photo, you looked a lot taller. You had more neck. -It was, like, a head shot. -You had less teeth. And you looked a lot more Third Worldy. Mexicany. You've got hair plugs. And I don't mind...much. It's not that I find you unattractive at all. It's just... false advertising. But it's false advertising. You know? You have rendered me completely speechless. -Thank you! -All I can say is wow. I get that a lot. Will you excuse me for a second? I get it. I need to shit like that every time I eat bacon. It's the middle of dinner. I'm not gonna go take a shit. -Are you gonna have a piss? -Uh, well, since you asked... Um, some urine might actually exit my penis. I wasn't going to say that. I felt like it was implied when I said "Excuse me." Just wash your hands, 'cause dick hands, it is gross. And be quick, 'cause I really need to shit. -OK, I'm gonna go shit. -OK. Oh, yeah, yeah. You gotta make a fiesta in el bano. No problem. Yeah, yeah. Poop party. Oh, excuse me. I'm actually not in line. -Just...wishing I were dead. -Um... -(SPEAKS SPANISH) -Oh, um... (LAUGHS) Si. Excuse me. If you're waiting for a cab, I was here first. Hey, you got it. No problem. -There we go. -Hey! -Excuse me. -Ladies first. -I'll tell you if I see one. -Really? You're squashing my fingers now. Get off! Excuse me. WOMAN: Are you kidding me? You're kidding me! Unbelievable. -Alright, folks, where to? -(BOTH ANSWER AT ONCE) -Ah! -Guess we're neighbours. -Guess so. Yippee! -Enjoy. -Can't wait to run into you. -Yeah. Me neither. It's still the best part of the neighbourhood. -Minus the gentrification. -Except the gentrification. -Hey, can you drop me off first? -Really? -Did you fart? -No. But I've been trying. BARRY: Yeah, 'cause I farted around when we got in, and that is not my brand. It's pathetic. I can't smell anything. What, you don't have a sense of smell, you mean? It's just a terrible fart. Oh, you're calling my fart pathetic? -Yes. -Wow. We're dealing with a new issue here. The issue is that you apparently have gas. And it's gonna come out at some point during this cab ride. Trust me. I hope so. (BARRY SIGHS) (SIGHS) Nothing. -You heard of the freeway? -Why are we taking side streets? -It's called the way there. -Yeah, no problem. -Could you go any slower? -Get there on Tuesday. -Assholes. -Hey! What? -Watch it, you wanker. -Eat my dick, you fuckface. -Fuckmouth. -Paying customer. -Fucking cockbreath. -Cockbreath. -Oh, that's impressive. -Oh. -Thanks. You too. -Thank you. My friends would disagree. They think my mouth is my biggest problem. I think it's fine. You just have...you just have thin lips. No, not... No, what... The things I say, not what my lips look like. -Oh, right. -I know I have thin lips. It's... it's the bane of my existence. Me too. Loads of guys have dumped me 'cause they're embarrassed. -Oh, dicks. -I don't care. But... It's my roommate. She's always trying to set me up and find me a husband. Yeah, tell me about it. My...my friends just bought me a wife. They...bought you... They bought me a wife, like, out of the blue. -So you're married? -No. Maybe. I don't know. I don't think it was legally binding. I'm not sure. I'll have to check on that one. -What do you do? -Um... I work for the Parks Department. -The what? -The Parks Department. -Pox Department. -Parks. -Oh, Parks. Parks Department. -The Parks Department. Right, right, the Parks Department. Got it. -That's cool. -That is really cool. -Want to know what I do? -Not really. Come on, take a guess. It's a good one. -Um, unemployed? -Yes! Very good guess. Be honest - do you think it was inappropriate? To talk about your own feminine hygiene issue at your dinner date? -Absolutely not. -Thank you! -Why would that be weird? -I know! I didn't think so. But then I was, like, questioning myself. People are weird. Know what I mean? Like, my date, my wife, walked out on our date tonight, I think, because I talked about my balls. -Like, one time. -She sounds like a twunt. -She... What? -I'm sorry. -That's a really ugly word. -No. That's not what I meant. Did you... I say 'twunt'. -I... No, you don't. -I say 'twunt' all the time. -I thought I made it up. -I thought I made it up. -I guess we both made it up. -Yes, we did. Oh, my God! I love 'twunt'. I love 'twunt'. -Oh, I love 'twunt'. -I love 'twunt'. -I love 'twunt'. -I love it when you say 'twunt'. (SCOTTISH ACCENT) Oh, look at that, you great twunt. -(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Look at that. -Oh, no! -I can't do Scottish accents. -Oh, you stinky twunt. -Oh, like, listen... If you... -Are you getting fucking... (INDIAN ACCENT) Would you like some twunt korma? Butter twunt? One order of butter twunt, please. (NORMALLY) I don't know why people react to me that way. I really don't. It's just, I prefer to be honest because... Everyone wastes so much time being polite when they could just... BOTH: Say what they mean. (IMITATES CLINT EASTWOOD) The question you gotta ask yourself is...do you feel lucky, twunt? Well? Do ya? -Oh, God. But you get it. Yeah. -That was good. -"Do you feel lucky, twunt?" -That was really good. (BOTH LAUGH) Yeah. Here you go. Door-to-door service. Thanks - that would almost be chivalrous if you didn't just arm-wrestle me for it. Well, I have something very pressing to do at home. -Masturbate? -Yeah. -Me too. -Man, get a room. -Shut your stupid face. -Just shut your idiot face. Seriously, shut your stupid face. -Yeah. Shut up. -Twunts. -Well... (LAUGHS) -Oh. -I got a burp in my throat. -Let it rip. -(BURPS) Yeah. -Nice. Nice. -I hate this job. -Um... OK. Um... Well... -Goodbye. -Goodbye. See you. I'll pay for the cab. Don't worry. Always planned on it. Hey. Hey, hey. You are not as big of a bitch as I thought you were gonna be. -Thanks. -Yeah. You're not as big of a cheese dick. -Well, you haven't seen my dick. -(BOTH LAUGH) -Um... -What's your name? Oh, God! Yeah. I'm Mel Miller. Mel Mi... Mel Mi... Melanie Miller. -I'm Barry Burke. -Barry Burke. How do you do? I do well. Um... Maybe I'll run into you sometime, Mel Miller. Maybe we will, Barry Burke. Goodbye again. -OK. Goodnight. 'Bye. -Yeah. 'Bye. (SIGHS) 1 -Hey. -Hey, babe. This museum pitch is killing me. I have, like, zero ideas. So I thought I would just come and take a little break. With you. Bow. Bow. Pshoo. Ow. (HUMS) Oh, I was gonna do some exercises to help me, you know, clear my head. -Um... -I do this in my Pilates class. -Isn't it fun? -Can I get my...? Don't wrinkle up my stuff on my desk. Babe, I'm really trying to... trying to get some stuff done. -You know what I mean? -Can't do it tomorrow? I mean, I could. I'd just rather not. Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. Choo-choo. Stop. I'm trying... Hey. No-one's hiring. I have to focus, OK? I'm sorry. -I miss that guy. -What guy? That guy. We all miss that guy. Goddamn. Barry, I think it's time we faced the fact that you... ..that, uh... -That... -What's that, now? -What was I saying? -Are you high? (SCOFFS) Yeah. Like I'd find a year-old blunt and smoke that and, like, coughed so hard, I farted. -Like I did that, yeah. -You're high. Yeah, I'm high. Yeah. I am high as hell right now. This is not about me. Let's talk about you, Barry. -I let you guys down a bit. -You definitely did. -Yep. -Yep. Actually, I did... I did share a cab ride home with a pretty awesome girl after the date, though. -What? -And? And it was... It was awesome. I don't know. It was weird. We had so much in common, you know. She was just like me. She was smart, witty, good-looking. OK, OK, OK, OK. Did you get her phone number? No. I figured I'd bump into her sometime. -Oh! -Dude! Are you out of your mind? We've scoured this entire city to find someone who can tolerate you for more than three seconds, you finally find somebody that likes you and you don't even get her fucking number? -I wanted to play it cool. -Cool?! We are way past cool, man. This shit is desperate. -Yes. -Can I have a chocolate malt? -I need a malt. -We'll find her. -Just... What was her name? -Mel. -Mel what? -M... -Mel... Oh... -Melvin? -No. Gib... Mel Gibson. -No. Impossible. -Oh, it's like... Oh... -Think, think, think. -What was her name? -Fuck, Barry! -I'm...I'm...I'm lost. -Barry, what's the GD point? Barry, I will literally club you with this bar spoon if you don't tell me who she is. -Tell me! -Wait. I just got it. -DESMOND: Oh, Mel Miller. -KURT: She's pretty. Wow. Graduated from Berkeley. Volunteers at a dog adoption centre. Is this real? Or is this some, like, 'Catfish'-type situation? -I got her number. Call her. -Wait! You only get one shot at this, alright? Got to do it right. Boo! -Oh, every time. -Yeah. Oh, it is ridiculously hot out there. Oh. I am so clammy and sticky and disgusting. (SIGHS) I don't think I put deodorant on. (COUGHS) Whoo! -Are you wearing my bra? -Oh. Yeah. I had to borrow it. -Why? -To match your thong. -Do you want it back? -No. Oh. Are you sure? Oh. -Actually, I might need a hand. -No, no. You keep it. Really. Thank you. (SIGHS) -It's really stuck up there. -Yeah. So have you heard anything from the cab guy? Uh... Oh, that guy. Um... No. I mean, I wouldn't expect to. -He hasn't got my number. So... -Bummer. I don't care anyway. It's better for you if I'm single. Right? What would you do without your wing girl? Get dates. -You wouldn't, Paige. -No. It's really hard for you. Babe, you've got to learn to love yourself before others can love you. -My self-esteem is fine now. -No. I mean literally love yourself. You know? Down there, between your legs. Do you know what I mean? Try the shower head. Try your electric toothbrush. Yours is a lot more powerful than mine and really gets in there. -That is really disgusting. -It's not. It's natural. This is the problem with you, Paige. Why do you think I spend so long in the bathroom every morning? I'm masturbating. -Mmm. -A good hour before breakfast. And usually 45 minutes if I can squeeze it in when I get home. I'm gonna get you masturbating if it's the last thing I do. -I'm all good. -(BRASH RINGTONE PLAYS) -Hello? -Hey, Mel. This is Barry, uh, from the cab. Oh, um... Ah...oh...oh... (WHISPERS) It's Barry! -It's the guy from the cab. -OK. -Speak as little as possible. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey. So, um...you some kind of pervert stalker or something? -Yeah, sometimes. -Just read the cards! Uh... I can't read Kurt's handwriting. "I was wondering if you're not doing anything Friday night "if you'd like to go to dinner with me or any other activity." Oh, my God. Could you make it any wordier? -Who are you talking to? -I'm talking to you. -Compliment her. Compliment her. -If you want me to coming... -What? -What's going on? -I don't know. -Speak from your heart. -Shut up. -MELANIE: Are you talking to me? -Yes. -Oh, really? -BARRY: No, no. -You shut up. -Please don't screw this up. -You shut up. Fuck off. Fuck you. Are you getting busy on Friday night? I don't know. You tell me if I'm getting busy Friday night. -Is English her second language? -BARRY: I think so. Why don't I pick you up at 8:00 and we'll talk about the details later? -Cool. See ya. -Cool. See ya. Oh! He got a date. -He got a date. -Someone there. -I have a date. -What? Yeah. It's no big deal. I mean, we'll see. I don't know. I love him. I think I need to go and have a shower. Ew. MELANIE: I feel so inspired after that. -I know. -It was just... -It's like I'm alive, right? -I know. It was so real. Oh, God, this is, hands down, the best first date I've ever had. -Yeah. -Ever. -Mine too. -Yeah? -Yeah. No-one has ever taken me to a cockfight before. I can't believe it. You got 'cockfight' written all over you. -It's so bloody. I know. -Feathers everywhere. Poor little guys. But you made that great call on dinner, so... -Yeah? -Yeah. -Oh. Well, I'm... -I'm glad you liked it. -I loved it. I think they have incredible cuisine at Hooters, but most people don't notice 'cause of the massive tits. I know. The tits are distracting. -Yeah. -This feels so natural. I know. Makes me want to spoon your face. I want to... I want to lick the inside of your mouth. Yeah. Barry, I hope you taste like hot dogs. I do. I always do. Yeah? Barry, I want to invite you upstairs, but this fucking bread factory between my legs is working overtime. -That's cool. That's cool. -Yeah. -Sorry. -That's cool. -Yeah? I hope you don't mind if I work one out to you later. -I'd like that. -Yeah. Then I will. Mm-ah. -Goodnight. -Goodnight. -'Bye. -'Bye. (LAUGHS) Sucks. This all sucks. -DESMOND: Yes! -What's up? That was Barry. He and Mel are totally hitting it off. -Oh, my God. That is amazing! -I know! -Oh, my God. -This could be it! -Oh, my God! -Yes! -Oh. -Oh, my God. They're going out again on Friday? That's huge! Yeah. Think of the freedom. Zihuatenejo, my friends. You realise what this could mean, right? Yeah - eating at restaurants without being publicly humiliated. Going to sporting events without fear of ejection. Not having people say, "Hey, you know your friend Barry? "Don't ever bring him to my motherfucking house again." And that's a woman saying that. I'm gonna meet so many more chicks. I'm gonna bone Rachel, a lot. -I'm gonna talk to Camille. -What? It's time to make right what once was... Oh, hell, no. -Hey. -Oh, hey. I didn't even see you over there. Oh, really? Oh, I'd seen you earlier but I...um...I... Cool. -What's up? -Honestly? I'm not doing so well. I just broke up with someone. You already got a new boyfriend and then broke up with him? -It's been, like, 11 days. -Yeah. I moved on, Kurt. Didn't you? Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I did. I moved on, a lot. To a lot of different women. Wow. Anyone special? No, no... Yeah... No, I just... It's hard to notice 'cause there's so many... ..so much ass coming my way with all the clingy bitches, you know. Awesome, well, it was really nice running into you. I don't really talk to them anymore. You know, they weren't up to my standards, you know, -Really? -Yeah. Once you go black, you never go back. Doesn't apply. Don't worry, he's not dumb enough to pursue that again. I don't know. -Ah. -Mmm. Mmmm. Mmm. You know what? Let's just focus on the positive. -Alright? -Right. We are about to embark on a brand-new chapter of our lives. -You're baked. -What? Don't do that. You're scaring the customers. (LAUGHS HOARSELY) Daddy feels like getting wet. Oh, you got nothing! You got nothing! (LAUGHS) -Go. go, go, go, go. Go, go. -(BOTH LAUGH) You sure it's OK to do it out here? Yeah, nobody's gonna KNOW! Damn, that shit is good! RACHEL: Oh! -Tell me about, um, your day. -BARRY: Mmm-hmm. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) Oh, funny. (SINGS BADLY) # Oh, even when they're not # Oh, Barry... # I don't have the words or anything. -But you got a 'Barry' in there. -# Barry... # Throw it up. Yeah, that's good. Why don't you try again here with a... Give a couple... Do a couple yourself. I'll be right back. Is that Hatha yoga you were practising over there? I saw it. That was incredible. -(CHEERING) -Let me go! Let me go! (ROCK MUSIC) That's it, Melanie. Yeah, smooth it out. Use some spit. -I think it's like... -Need a little spit. Yeah, see, there's a bigger vein. There's a big vein going, like just... -OK. -Yeah. -Add a little to the base. Comes all... Yeah. -Easy fix. -Looks pretty good. Everybody watch! This is the big finish. -Ahh! Oh! -(MELANIE LAUGHS) Oh. Ahh. Ahh. Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Oh. Oh, don't to... Oh, don't touch. Oh, it's a delicate centre. -So? -So? -KURT: Tell us everything. -BARRY: OK. Mel is amazing. She's unbelievable. I... The last two weeks have been magical. And I don't wanna get cheesy, but deep down in my heart I feel like she understands me as no-one else ever has. Plus, she's got a super-wide bush. I love it. -Well, this is great news. -It is. I know, right? Most girls wax, but not Mel. I like to get lost down there. It's a jungle. No, I meant it's great news that it's going so well. -Not great news about the bush. -Oh, right. Yeah. Well, that too, that is going very well. But mainly the relationship. Well, you haven't seen this bush. It's outstanding. -Sounds like a real throwback. -So what are you guys doing? Dude, can you not put gum underneath my bar? Where do you want me to put it, Rafe? I put it on top, you flipped out. Now I put it under the bar, you're giving me grief. So, you and Mel, seems like you guys are going the distance, huh? Yeah, sounds like you've met your soul mate, your intended. -Could be your future bride. -Oh, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, yeah, she is...she is pretty amazing. -Did I mention her bush? -Indeed you did. -In detail. -Don't need to say it again. I can't believe you have a girlfriend. When do we get to meet her? We're going to Kurt's cabin this weekend. You should bring her. -Yeah, yeah. Kurt, can I? -Yeah, that'll be fun. -That'll be cool. -Yes! Yeah! (ALL SPEAK AT ONCE) You might even get a peek at that bush. -We'll see. -I'm OK with just meeting her. Why did you invite Barry again? I told you, he's got a girlfriend now, so... -And? -And it'll be totally different. This'll be the kinder, gentler Barry. Exactly, she'll keep him on a short leash. Yeah, kind of like a buffer. A little Barry buffer. -CAMILLE: Great. -Oh, there they are. -Hey. -Hi. -Hey. -(CAR HORN BEEPS) Well, we knew you were there before the horn. -Hello. -This is Mel. -Oh, she's so pretty. -Oh, wow. She is like an angel from heaven. -Hi. -OTHERS: Hey. Hi. I'm Desmond. Great to meet you. Oh, OK, the guy who couldn't get it up for his wife. -Yep, what? -That's him. Right, so you must be the lucky lady who's finally getting some. That's me. My name is Rachel. You didn't tell me her name was Rachel. I had a rat called Rachel. -Oh. -Cool. -Um, this is... -Wait, no, no, I'm gonna guess. Because he has told me so much about you all. Watch this. Watch this. Um, skank-magnet. Ice queen. -(LAUGHS) No-balls pushover. -Five for five. Yeah, you hit the nail on the head there. I know. Look at her, she's got some brains up there, huh? Not to mention a beautiful set of knockers. -Barry. They're only B-cup. -Only. Although, actually, I can swell to a C when I'm menstruating. -Ah, that's disgusting. -Oh, my God. Never thought I'd say this - I can't wait for your time of the month. Get ready for the three 'B's - bloated, bitchy and breasty. I'm getting a little 'B' of my own right here. -Check it out. -Oh, I looked. You know what, guys? I wanna drive. -No, Barry. -I'll drive. No, no, I wanna drive. I wanna drive. You wanna get in and make out a bit before these guys finish packing? -Um, if the van's a-rocking... -Don't come a-knocking. I'm kidding. That's another joke. We won't go all the way. -No, just oral. -Yeah. -Please don't do that in my car. -I'll put my shit in the back. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY) # Superconductor. # -I'm car sick. -What? This is the soundtrack from Gitmo. -Huh? -This is awful. -Yeah, it's awesome. -No. It sounds like what insanity must feel like. Barry, can you maybe turn that song off? -Huh? -The music is horrible. It's making my ear drums bleed. -Oh. -Sorry, sorry. OK, Mr No Taste. (MUSIC STOPS) -Thank you. It's just a lot. -Thanks. -Yeah. -Here we go. (SINGS) # You know, a playa makin' money # Fucking all these bitches Three at a time # High-fiving the stitches # Got these hos and the bitches licking up my ice-cream # Listen, DJ, come fuck with my team # Oh, make your ass shake Shake your money maker # Take her to the hotel and show her how my dick can break her # Life ain't shit without pussy on my dick... # Pussy on your dick, great. (SILENCE) -Ready? -Yeah. (FARTS LOUDLY) (SNIFFS LOUDLY AND LAUGHS) My God! That stinks! -Who did that? Who ripped it? -That'd be me. Are you serious? Are you steaming broccoli in there? -It's tuna. -I'll open up a window. -It won't open. -What's going on? I'm sorry, did I accidentally lock the windows? I'm not familiar with this car. -Oh, my God, it's in my eyes. -Oh, you stink so good. This is rotten anyway. Let me add to the party. -No! No! -It's gonna be good. Listen. -(FARTS) -(OTHERS GROAN) Are you serious, man? Oh, there's a high note on that one. -I'm gonna hurl. -I think he's allergic. -They're choking. Oh, my God. -Poo particles. MEL: They can't breathe! -BARRY: Oh, baby. -Unlock the windows, Barry. -Oh, it's gorgeous. -Isn't it? Oh, I can't wait to pork you here. -You're the best porker. -I know. Aren't I? I've been wanting to pork you the whole car ride. -The whole ride? -Yeah. -How many bedrooms have you got? -One. BOTH: Dibs! BARRY: Get up there. -Rafe, grab my shit. -This is gonna be fun, guys. Yeah, yeah. I'm having fun. -You guys having fun? -CAMILLE: No. I can taste that fart. -I'm so excited to go swimming. -Yeah. This is the best part of coming up here. You'll love it - I used to go to this swimming hole all the time when I was a kid. -Is it gonna be cold? -Yeah, it'll be great. Come on. Yeah, come on, guys. Last one in is a rotten piece of shit. -Whoo-hoo! -Whoo! (LAUGHS) -Here we go. -RACHEL: Oh. Fresh air feels good on my balls! OK, there's actually some board games back at the cabin... -I'm gonna do that. -I love me some board games. What better way to spend a beautiful day? -It's so nice. -Yeah, babe. And this, this one here is actually three generations of my family standing just out front, so... -(MELANIE SCREAMS) -BARRY: Oh, my God! -(BURPS) -Did you see that? -Let me try. -I haven't done that in so long. Sorry. No, you've gotta get it all gathered in here. Come on, Rafe. Come on, buddy. Puke and rally. Get out here. Not my thing. Stopped doing that in college. -Go, go, go. Do it. -OK, baby. This is a pine needle fort I made for the beetle army I was raising. Look at this! She just let it slide right down her throat. -Oh, God, it's sexy. -(HUFFS) Oh, yeah, yeah, right in the sink. Do it, do it. This is one of my, um... my old cats, we used to... -BARRY: ..a garbage disposal. -..bring up here. -It's OK, right? -I felt puke coming up my nose. -(MUMBLES) Is this your move? -You don't look too well. -(BOTH VOMIT) -Honey, breathe, breathe. I just wish they would, like, barf quieter. (GAGS) -(OPENS ZIP) -Ohhh! Oh. Don't look back there. -Oh, God. -Don't look back there, I said. Kitchen blowie, guys. This is happening. -Oh! Ahh! Oh! -Oh. (HOARSELY) Let's just try to enjoy ourselves. -Yeah. -Already up. (LAUGHS) -We should play Twister! -This wine is nice. BARRY: I think the more you puke, the drunker you get, right? -Did I get puke on your cock? -Don't worry. I like it. Think that's enough? Maybe a few more would be sexier. You got it, juicy jugs. Let me just check on the gang, make sure everyone is nice and cosy. Everybody. Everybody doing OK down there? -CAMILLE No. -RACHEL: No. Yeah, I love sleeping in chairs. Alright. 'Night, everybody. Sleep tight. -Yeah, that is inevitable. -Love you guys. (OTHERS TALK SOFTLY) (KURT SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (BARRY GROANS) -Are they fucking up there? -It's not that bad. It's actually kind of romantic if you think about it. -Oh, no! -Get that off me! Yep, definitely having sex. BARRY: Slow down, slow down. Let me come around. -BARRY: Do that. OK. -It's in my mouth. -MELANIE: Sorry! -Can you smell something? Huh, what? (FIREFIGHTER RADIO CHATTER) It looks worse than it is, I think, Kurt. It's completely engulfed in flames. Yeah, but those are professional firefighters and they're gonna save your place, I promise you. -Your place is toast. -Shit. But I did manage to save your family albums. Well, I tried. Oh, man, those albums are old and you're barely in them. Listen, don't worry, don't worry about it, OK? I will rebuild it with my own bare hands. I took wood shop in high school... -It was an accident, Kurt! -You're an accident! I only used that many candles because it made Mel's body look so fine. -I mean, wouldn't you? -Go away! Go away forever and don't come back! -You don't mean that. -Yes, he does! We all do. Rafe? I think you should go, Barry. Seriously? It's not all his fault. I am just as responsible. Oh, no, no, no, no, Mel, no. No. It was an accident. It was an accident. Kurt, I promise you I am not gonna burn your cabin down anymore, OK? Obviously, Barry. That's impossible! -There's only one! -What about pals forever? -Stop saying that! -Why?! It's just a stupid motto from camp. It doesn't mean anything. -Des, babe, let's... -Rachel... -It means something to me. -Get it straight, Barry. You ruined our trip and we want you gone. You can take your inappropriate girlfriend with you. What do you mean, my "inappropriate girlfriend"? -She's a train wreck, dude. -Yeah. -Nobody likes her. -She's just as bad as you are. Face it, she is a Barry, Barry. -What's a Barry? -What's a... I'll tell you what a Barry is, Barry. A Barry is a person with no couth, no sense of propriety. It's a person who gets you fired, destroys your relationships and pretty much ruins everything in your entire life! OK, look, I don't care what you think of me, but Barry has been nothing but an amazing friend to you all. Oh, really? From where I'm sitting, he's ruined everything. We didn't mean to do it. It doesn't matter what you mean to do. What matters is what you do do. (SNORTS) Doo-doo. Mel, grow up. Come on. Guys, guys, it's me, it's Barry, OK? It's your best friend. Let's...let's talk about this. Friends stick by each other no matter what. I mean, even through cabin fires, right? There's a limit to what we can handle, Barry. Why do you think we tried so hard to find you a wife? It's because we were trying to get rid of you. That's why you did it? You guys wanted to get rid of me? I see. Let's get outta here, man. Those guys are arseholes. No, they're not assholes. I'm the asshole. Well, I think they're arseholes. Stop. Stop calling them assholes. They're my friends. Friends stand by each other, remember? -So do boyfriends, by the way. -What? Where...where is that coming from? -Really? -What, Mel? What-what... What was I supposed to say? Well, I don't think you were supposed to tell me to grow up. I see. OK. So this is about you now, obviously. -Barry, it's... -My best friends! My lifelong best friends just ripped my heart out of my chest and told me they never wanna see me again, and you're fucking crying? You're hurt? You're the one who's hurt! First of all, I'm not crying. Barry, I'm not crying, but my feelings were hurt because... ..your lifelong best friends said some not very nice things about me. -That hurt you? -Yes, it did. And you didn't say anything. What? Did you agree with them? No. That wasn't very convincing. Well, maybe there's a kernel of truth to it, Mel. What's that mean? I'm saying it can't be a coincidence that the first time I bring you up to the cabin, my friends dump me. Ohhh, OK. So it's... This is all my fault? Yes, it's your fault, OK? My life was perfect before I met you. It was perfection. And now it's big old pile of shit. Barry, did you say your life was perfect before me? Because I thought you had no job and no relationship and your friends still wanted to get rid of you. Well, that worked for me, Mel, OK? -You're a dick. -Oh, now I'm a dick? Yes, Barry, you know, the dick fits. Well, I think you know the dick fits. Please never, ever call me again. Oh, that's fine, I'll never, ever, ever call you again. I'll never. I wouldn't dream of it, Mel. Mel! (WHISPERS) Fuck. 1 I kinda feel bad for the guy. Look, it's not what any of us wanted, but it had to happen. Yeah, it did. Let's face it, our friendship with Barry has run its course. It's just time we moved on with our lives, you know what I mean? -(RAFE SIGHS) -(PHONE VIBRATES) Oh. Who's that? It's one of the agencies I applied to. Be right back. Hello? They loved my reel and just won two new accounts. -I start Monday. -Oh, my God. Baby, I am so proud of you. That's awesome. I know! You go ahead. I'll be up in a bit. What are you gonna do? Just gonna jot down some campaign ideas before I forget. I won't be long. This is kind of an unusual date. No, it's romantic and fun. And I couldn't find a sitter, so... I think he wants to play baseball. That's what the mitt's for, Dad. Alright, but this is something we all can do together. And then when he goes to bed, you can stick around. -We'll have some wine. -I'm gonna go. -Why? -You need to be with your son. And, honestly, I'm not ready for this. -'Bye, JT. -'Bye. Sarah, really? You're seriously leaving? (DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS) Guess it's just you and me, bud. -Cool. -Yeah, cool. -Wanna just order pizza? -Yeah. Desmond, the client loves the campaign, so we're a go. -Awesome! -I'll drop by your office later. We'll talk about the production schedule. -OK. -Great job, man. Thank you. Oh. Oh, and Desmond, this is just a silly formality, but because of our new parent company, HR need you to take a drug test. (FALSETTO) OK. Not a problem. (SOMBRE MUSIC) -(ENERGETIC MUSIC) -# There's been lying # Big rotten shame # Got nothing, it's all the same # That's how it goes # I'm sure you know # When I was young, I cared what everybody thought # And I'd get so caught on what they thought of me # Didn't know who I was... # Bend your knees a little. Elbow up like this. -You stare down that pitcher... -Rafe, hey. Oh, hey. Bases are loaded. Bottom of the ninth. Crowd's on its feet. Here's the pitch. Boom! Dead centre! -Let's do that again. -Do it again? Alright. Everybody who has a pair of scissors near them, pick them up, alright? I'd like you to put them on your index finger and start twirling. Do it, Do it. Get your scissors. Come on. Alright? This is the exact wrong way to handle a pair of scissors, OK? Don't ever let me catch you doing this. Put them down. OK, put them on your finger again. Spin them around. EHH! You failed! I just said don't do that! Listen, guys, if you don't start working harder, I'm gonna take each and every one of you individually to the outhouse and I'm gonna fart in your face. # Yeah, I'm still on the rise. # (COUGHS LOUDLY) -(MURMURS) Hmm? -Baby. Hey, wake up. -What time is it? -3am. -What? Is everything OK? -No, mn-mn. -What's wrong? -I have cotton mouth. -What? -I need juice. Well, there's water on the night stand. Juice! OK, I'll get you some from the fridge. I need the Golden Acres juice. The...the... You know, the one with the organic farm on the label, the one that I like. Uhh, OK, I'll buy some tomorrow. I need it now. You...you want me to go get you some now? -Mm-hm. -You... Just to clarify, you want me to get up and walk 11 blocks at 3:00 in the morning to get you specific juice? Well, maybe we shouldn't have gotten back together. What are you saying? Don't say that. Just every other boyfriend would've done this for me. Alright. Yeah. Alright, yeah, I'll get juice. I'm getting up. I am getting up and I am getting dressed. Thanks. -And I'm walking out the door... -Thanks, baby. ..to my place. -What? -You know, Barry was right. You don't deserve me. Barry is never right. Barry... I will admit, he has a poor batting average. But he is right in this instance. Why are you getting so angry? Because I am a treasure, Camille, and you are a bad pirate. What? You're joking, right? I'll tell you something else. No-one in their right mind, unless they're insane, paints this many pictures of themselves. -I'm beautiful. -No, you're a madman. -You love me. -Not anymore. Last thing, 'cause I know I've been back and forth a bit, no woman who knows her body like you claim to do takes an hour and a half to orgasm. That's too much work. And I'm down there munching away. So look at me now, Camille. Look at me! This is what a man looks like. This is what it looks like, OK? This is what it looks like with a man who now has his dignity back. Goodbye, Camille. Now you have to eat your own stew, 'cause... (MELANCHOLY MUSIC) Wow. It seems like you miss him. Uhh... No. No, I don't really. I just... I never met anyone I felt so connected to in my entire life. And so it hurts a bit... ..because I thought he was different. But he wasn't and that's fine. Uh, there's a new tech guy at my office. I could introduce you. What do you think? I think I am not going to let myself get hurt anymore, but thanks. Thank you. Hey, what's going on? I thought we were gonna sleep in. Yeah, I can't sleep. My boss wants me to take a drug test. I'm gonna lose my job. OK. We'll figure something out. But you have to promise something. What? Why? OK, look. Um, you love your job just as much as I love my job. Yeah. But I feel like things were just starting to get good again and now we're kind of slipping back into that bad place. You know what I mean? -I do. -Yeah. OK, so let's just make a deal. You don't work weekends and we'll both take our vacation days. -Does that sound good? -Yeah, yeah, that sounds good. -I love you. -BOTH: Mmm. -I'm still gonna get fired. -No, 'cause I've got a plan. -Strictly weekdays, huh? -Mm-hm. We, uh, found some balance. -I dumped Camille. -Really? Yeah, I...I think I can do better. Wow. We never liked her. -Not even a bit. -Barry mentioned that. She was a straight up biz-naz-niz-naz-noosh! -Alright... -She offered me a blow job once. -Too soon. -She offered. I said no. -Rafe, how's dating? -Uh, haven't been. Without Barry, I've been spending a ton of time with JT. The kid's great. He does miss Barry, though. I mean, I don't at all. No. The guy was a nightmare. It's so much easier without him around, no more messes to clean up. -No more hassles. -No-one to apologise for. No-one to apologise for. -It kind of sucks. -Yeah. Totally. 1 I'm just so bummed, you know? Not only was she a really fantastic girl, but she had these great big juicy jugs, you know? Just show stoppers. I... -(KNOCK AT DOOR) -Oh, someone's at my door. I gotta go. I'll call you later, OK, Grandma? Love you. 'Bye. ALL: Hey. What are you guys doing here? Can we talk? Uhh... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on in. And when we say we are sorry about everything we said and did, we really mean it. What we said was mean. The stuff we said about Mel too. I mean, she didn't deserve that. Yeah, she didn't deserve that. She's a sweetheart. But I'll relay that message to her if I ever talk to her again. -We want you back, Barry. -We're your friends. Always. No matter what ridiculous, obnoxious, inane, stupid thing you might do... -Will do. -Yeah. I probably will do something like that. Barry, will you forgive us? I don't think so. I want you to get out of my house right now. Get out of here! I'm kidding! I'm kidding. I'm kidding, guys. Oh, my God. I got goose bumps. I could barely pull that off. -Did you guys see that? -Oh, yeah. So "Pals forever," dick tattoos? Finally, we gonna do it? -No! -BARRY: Come on! Get a tattoo of a dick on your dick and on the tattoo of the dick on your dick, "Pals forever." -I'm concerned about the pain. -That's the point! (ALL CHATTER AND LAUGH CHEERFULLY) KURT: I knew that if I just concentrated hard enough, believed hard enough, it would come back to life. RAFE: You didn't revive the possum. That's what they do. They play possum. You've never heard of 'playing possum'? No. Why would you want to play with a dead animal? RAFE: They're not dead. They're pretending to be dead. You did not revive that animal. Rafe, maybe you're not understanding me. You don't have powers to revive dead animals. -If I don't have powers... -DESMOND: What you got there? Hey. Hey, buddy. Nothing. Just, uh... Oh, I have something here I've been meaning to give to you for a while. It's my share of the mail-order bride. Well, it's a start anyway. -Thanks, man. -Yeah. -You need a wallet. -I do need a wallet. But for now this will have to do. -So how are you, man? -Good, good. Yeah, I'm really well, you know? Like, things feel... Uhh, things feel shitty. I can't get over Mel. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm just... I'm a wreck. You know, I... Most girls don't understand me, Des. They punch me. But Mel...she got me and I blew it. -Well, you got us, man. -Yeah, I know, I know. And I'm thrilled we're all hanging out together again. Believe me. I just... Nobody else makes me feel the way that she does. And that's no slam to you guys, you know? Nobody makes me feel that way. I've never even considered spending the rest of my life with somebody. -Well, have you told her this? -What do you mean? -How you feel. -How would I do that? What you said sounded pretty darn good. -No. What? You think? -Yeah, absolutely. -I gotta tell her, don't I? -For sure. I gotta do this. We gotta... I gotta do this. -I wanna do it on Monday. -What? Why Monday? Monday's way better for me. The weekend is packed. I got grout. I gotta transfer all my Blu-rays to DVD. You cannot wait till Monday, Barry. You've met the woman you wanna drive everyone crazy with for the rest of your life. You have to be with her now. -I have to. -Good. Do you know where she is? -What's today? -Um, Friday. Yeah, I know exactly where she is. MAN: So smile the heavens upon this holy act that after hours with sorrow chide us not. MAN 2: Amen. But come what sorrow can, it cannot countervail the exchange of joy that one short minute gives me in her sight... Do we really need to be running? No, it's just more romantic this way. Hey, any idea where I could get some clean urine? I have some. Not mine, but I have some. ..my ghostly confessor. Romeo shall thank thee for us both. As much to him, else is his thanks too much. Juliet, if the measure of thy joy be heap'd like mine and that thy skill be more to blazon it... (ROMEO CONTINUES) (WHISPERS) Barry! Barry! -What? -There's an entrance. No, it's OK. I got in. I'll look over here. Do you guys know Mel Miller? My true love has grown to such extent... -Anybody seen Mel Miller? -PEOPLE: Shh! Hey, anybody seen Mel Miller? (CLEARS THROAT) Go to messenger! -Barry... -Anyone know Mel Miller? Oh! -(PEOPLE EXCLAIM) -Mel Miller? Mel Miller? -Mel Miller? -Shut up, asshole! She's British, blonde bombshell. Works here. -MAN: Come on! -Fuck it. They both take suicide pills and die. It's really sad. -Blah, blah, blah... -(CROWD BOOS) You just ruined the whole play, you idiot! BARRY: Oh, you didn't know that? You guys didn't know that? It's called the eighth grade, dummies! Try it some time. -It's 'Romeo and Juliet'. -Barry! Barry! -What are you doing? -I need to talk to you. Pretend it's part of the show. Barry, please. Not until I say some things to you. -(PEOPLE SHOUT ABUSE) -This will just take a moment. He's very sick. I'm so sorry. Sorry. This is a lovely setting for Shakespeare. I just need to say a couple things. Stay here. I have to do it here! I have to do it here! -OK, I'm sorry. -Yes? -Yes. -Sorry. I...I lo... Hmm. I love...I love... -I love your tits. -(ALL GROAN) Hey, hey, hey! That's not what I meant, that's not what I meant. I'm not that gross. I do love her tits. You've got great tits. -I love your tits. -I know that. -I can do better. I love... -What? I love...I love... I love your breath even in the morning when it smells like a sweaty sock. I love it even more that way. I just wanna climb inside your mouth and live there. I love that I can always tell what you've had for lunch because I can taste it later when we're making out. I love that you're so not into your looks that you don't even care you have a daddy-long-legs mole under your arm and it's got little whiskers and you never pluck them. It's disgusting. (CHUCKLES) And I love that your accent is so thick, I literally have no idea what you're saying half the time. -Is that it? -I could barely understand that. I love that your nose whistles every time I make you come. And I love that your little nickname for my butthole is my 'smelly button'. And I love that you have to take off all your clothes every time you have to take a poo even in public restrooms. It's so adorable. It takes forever. And I love...I love that you have a dedicated savings account just for future space travel. I do. Yeah, I do have one. And I love your little moustache. I didn't know you noticed that. It's my favourite little moustache I've ever seen. Even if that makes me gay, I'm gay for your 'stache. I'm gay for her 'stache! And... ..most importantly I... ..I love you. Barry! How am I supposed to stay angry with you when you say stuff like that? You're not. Oh. (CHEERFUL TENDER MUSIC) (PEOPLE EXCLAIM) -MAN: Hey! -MAN 2: Ohh! (PEOPLE SHOUT ABUSE) You can tell they make love really passionately. (MUSIC CONTINUES) That's enough. You're married. We get it. -Here we go. -What did you expect? -I've seen enough. -Never gonna get used to that. -Tell me about it. -Oh, hey. -Hi. -I'm Kurt. -Paige. -Oh, are you... -Mel's roommate. -JT! Hey! Sorry. I'm a little nervous. I'm on solo duty. Oh, same here. I know what you mean. -Come on, Dad. -Oh! Uh...call me. We'll do coffee. But weekdays only. Weekends are guy time. DESMOND: I really can't wait for all these people to get out of my house. Yeah, it's a lot of people. I think someone's gonna steal something. I saw a couple of people eyeing some things. -Saw you talking to Paige. -Yeah, she's nice. Might take some getting used to, but... -Hey, JT. -What up, bitches? -Oh, no. -I mean, hey, guys. I'm still trying to unteach him some things Barry taught him. Uncle Desmond, how did your science project go? -What science project? -The one you needed my pee for. Oh, right. Uhh, aced it, man. -Yeah. -That is immoral and illegal. -Yeah, my bad. -What do we say, buddy? Pals forever. I hope you guys don't mind. We kind of adopted it. It's plagiarism technically. -Should've checked with us. -(BARRY MOANS IN DISTANCE) You realise we'll have to put up with both of them for the rest of our lives? I'd say that's the least of our worries. -What could be worse? -A little Barry. Ohh. SONG: # So send a letter # Or even better # I'll be hearing your voice, voice # I really wanna see you # I really wanna feel # Your loving arms # My little runaway # Runaway # I've been trying... # RAFE: Everyone's got one. The inappropriate friend. (GAGS) Oh, oh, that's terrible. I don't want that at all. The one with no filter. The one you just can't take anywhere. Hi. You didn't see me. But I had a great bionic man thing going. (LAUGHS) Looking good. Whoo! Who the hell is that? His name is Sammy. He's a counsellor at my camp. Avoid him at all costs, alright? He's the kind of guy that constantly says all the wrong things, bull in a china shop, totally embarrassing to be around. What are you gonna do? There's one in every group. -You got that right. -Hey, man! Oh, my God. He's coming over. He's all yours. You guys must be Barry's friends. Oh, my God. That's Barry's Barry. (SINGS ROBOTICALLY) # Any friend of Barry is a friend of mine! # Any friend of Barry is a friend of mine! # Bring it in, bring it in.