Miaow. # Deck the halls with boughs of holly. # Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. # 'Tis the season to be jolly. # Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. # Don we now our` (RECORD SCRATCHES) Mm, no. That song makes my tail hurt. Deck the halls? Deck me in the face. (UPBEAT CHRISTMAS MUSIC) Now, that's a Christmas song. Hello. Hi. How are you? Welcome to... You don't have to watch it, but I know you're going to, so if you do, you might be treated to high-speed car chases,... Miaow, miaow. Outta my way, buddy. MAN ON LOUDSPEAKER: Pull over, Grumpy. We've got you surrounded. ...huge explosions,... Boom. Bang. That was huge. ...a hero in a leotard and cape who saves the world and who doesn't look like a puppet at all. Stop making me dance. Anyway, I only mentioned those things to get your hopes up, that way, I can enjoy your disappointment when you realise this movie is just a sappy melodrama, mostly about me, Grumpy Cat. You're welcome. Captions by Julie Taylor. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017 God, this is already annoying. Anyway, our terrible story begins here, at this big thing called a mall. It's a soul-sucking bastion of consumerism, which serves to drain people's bank accounts and alienate them from the true meaning of life. In other words ` I love it. Look at me. See? Can't you tell that I love it? I love it because it's evil, OK? This is where I call home. (INSECTS CHIRP) (SOLEMN GUITAR RIFF) (CROAKS) (DOOR OPENS, BELL JINGLES) Customer! Customer! Choose me! Choose me! Over here! I never get chosen. Grovellers. They all think some human is gonna walk in here and purchase one of 'em. Ha! Welcome to Whiskers, where the animals don't bite ` unless provoked. (SCOFFS) Over here! Pick me! Don't buy into the hype about a snake. That's Carla, the happiest snake on the planet, so, you know, already not a big fan. I am totally cool, promise. Hey, lady, over here! (PANTS) I'm cuter! Plus, I chew chair legs, shoes, leather purses. Darn. Almost had her. That's Jacky. He's super hyper and super annoying. Plus, he's a dog, so... I don't like him. You can ignore them, madam. I'm well-bred and well-read. I can even talk. Hands in the air, sucker! So, that's Wilson, a very stupid parrot. (SQUAWKS) Oh, did I mention that I'm easy to clean up after? All I require is a newspaper subscription for the mess I make in my cage. Wait, where are you going? Oh, drat. Not gonna happen, people. We're all gonna die in here. Hey, check out this spin class of one, lady. See these hamster hamstrings? They're like sinewy pistons of steel. That's Lance. He looks like a rat, but I guess he's a gerbil ` a gym-rat gerbil. Whoo! Work it down. Work it up. Take it up. Bring it back. Work it down. Work it up. Take it up. Bring it back. Me, I don't wanna leave. I'm grumpy right where I am. Better not to get your hopes up. Told ya. She's just buying fish food. Grumpy, you are a jerk. And you, honey, are delusional. At least we weren't returned twice like you, Grumpy. Twice. All she does is frown. And all he does is whine about it, am I right, Mom? She does seem a little... grumpy. Can I trade her for a fish? As if that bothered me. I never even think about those people. I'm a superstar. (DANCE MUSIC) (BEATBOXES) # Super model. Super dog. Super hair. Super fur. # (BEATBOXES) (SIGHS) I just love me. What the heck are you ` a science experiment gone bad? More like a science experiment gone right. Check out my beautiful locks. They flow like a waterfall. Boosh. - Freak. - (DOOR OPENS, BELLS JINGLE) Customer! Customer! I'm available! Customer! Customer, over here! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Choose me! Choose me! Hi. You must be Marcus. I'm Gill Brockman, your new mall rep. What can I do for you? There's just this small matter of your rent being in arrears, deadbeat. (CLEARS THROAT) Uh,... did you just call me a deadbeat? Deadbeat? No, of course not. (BOTH CHUCKLE) MUTTERS: Loser. OK, now I heard you call me a loser. Why could I call you that? I don't know. Because you haven't met your financial obligations in a timely manner and I'm going to evict you. Wait, what? Are you saying I could lose my terrible home? Gill, I can assure you, I will have your money by the day after tomorrow. Thank you, Marcus. You're a saviour. You are seriously behind. How do you plan to do that? Miaow! You see this cat? Who? Me? I plan to make her the most famous internet meme of all time. Work it. Show me sex. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Now show me danger. Just like that. Show me fierce. (HISSES) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Jubilation. Overjoyed. You're a little girl on a spring day. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Sushi. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Lots of sushi! (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS REPEATEDLY) I'm a natural. All we need is a picture saying something like, uh,... (BOTH CHUCKLE) I mean, you put that on the internet thingamabob, and that is sure to go viral. Her face will launch a thousand products ` everything from T-shirts to coffee mugs. After that ` TV appearances. And, oh, I don't know, maybe... a Lifetime movie. You are a genius! Like any of that would really happen. Me, become an internet celebrity? I mean, wouldn't I need to have some sort of talent, like this guy? (PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE) Or this weirdo? (HAPPY MUSIC) Or whatever this is? # Nyan, Nyan, Nyan, Nyan, Nyan, Nyan, Nyan, Nyan. Yeah. I can't do any of that stuff, so I'm revising the previous scene, OK? (TAPE REWINDS) You are seriously behind. How do you plan to do that? With this dog. Hi, there. Oh, is that what you are? He just happens to be the most expensive Leonberger in the world. Let that sink in, kitty cat. Someone would actually pay for you? He's worth a million dollars. Whoop. Shut the front door. Shut the back door too. Shut all the doors. A million? Really? With an 'M'? That sounds like a McGuffin to me. Whatever that means. I call it a bargain. I should be worth a billion with a 'B'. I got a buyer, and guess what? That money is gonna put me back in the black. (IMITATES ELECTRIC GUITAR) Why didn't you say that in the first place? I think the word you're looking for are, uh, 'thank you'. Yeah, the press are coming by this afternoon, and they're doing a big story on how he saved Whiskers. (CHUCKLES, PANTS) Yup. Then I guess we have nothing else to discuss. Toodle-oo. Merry Christmas, (MUTTERS) loser. What'd you say? What did I say? Merry Christmas, sir. Merry Christmas. MUTTERS: Deadbeat. (DOOR OPENS, BELLS JINGLE) Um, we didn't formally meet. I'm JoJo. Oh. My name is I Don't Care. (SCOFFS) Oh, yes. Wait a minute. That thing gets the prime real estate? Oh, this is where I belong ` in the spotlight for all to see. Go ahead. Feel free to take photos. Selfies are extra. What am I ` tuna tartare? I've never had that spot, and I've been here the longest. Maybe it's because you don't smile. Brat. Time to meet our awful movie's heroine. There she is. Look at her. (LAUGHS) With second billing behind me, Aubrey Plaza as Grumpy Cat. (CHUCKLES) This is Chrystal, humanity's last hope on a dying planet. Oh, I'm sorry ` too much? All right. She's an evolved organism with a heart of gold ` my least favourite trait, but facts are facts. And this story is nothing if not factual. You know, like Santa Claus. Hey, Roger! Hello, Chrystal. Ooh! You're fat. You're not exactly anorexic. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Yo, Matt. Wassup? Living the dream. Hey, Monica. Hey, Chrystal. How was school today? (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Hola, Alejandro. Hola, Chrystal. Como estas? Feliz Navidad. Here's your turkey and Swiss, Wiffeldorf. It will be Jesse again in a few hours when I get off work. Oh, you'll always be Wiffeldorf to me. Ouch. Speaking of which ` my feet are killing me. Any chance you could use your in with Santa to get momma a new pair of shoes for Christmas? Blah, blah, blah. B-story. Not my line. Not my line. Not my line. Miaow. I would, but Santa and I are not on speaking terms right now. What? Why? The guy's a slave driver, always on our backs. You would not believe the working conditions. Really? Two words ` sweat shop. So I've actually led a revolt to unionise the North Pole. (GASPS) Will you get it worked out before Christmas? (SIGHS) I hope so... for the tots. Dude, are you ever gonna eat that sandwich? Mmm. Is that turkey? But that's not to say that a certain little elf wouldn't love to build you a new pair while he's on strike. Be careful flirting with me. Last time that happened, it ended in (WHISPERS) a spectacularly awful divorce. Huh. Have you given any more thought to the party tonight? Everyone's coming. You mean like the other elves, the Cinnabon crew? That's exactly who I mean ` all the cool kids. (CHUCKLES) Come one. Stupid Christmas games, ugly sweater contest. Oh, just say 'yes' already, Mom. The poor guy's been trying to ask you out for a month. All right. I'll go. Yes! But only if you come with me. Ugh. (MOUTHS) Fine. But don't try and pull anything. I'll be watching. Chrystal! I gotta go. I'm late for work. Hang on. We talked about you making some friends at your new school. How's that going? Great. Today, I totally nodded to the girl who has the locker next to mine. Does that count? Totally try harder. OK. Can I go now? (EXHALES DEEPLY) Isn't she a little young to have a job? (CHUCKLES) It's just what she calls it. She's helping out at the pet store. I just wish she hung out with some actual people for a change ` you know, ones her own age, preferably. Probably just needs time. This'll be her first Christmas without seeing her dad. Ah. The dirtbag. (CHUCKLES LIGHTLY) Don't forget your sweater. Miaow. Oh, yeah. When I smell it, it makes me feel like I'm actually in Paris. It's our most popular seller. And then there's George, aka the Ladykiller. If only I had a special lady friend to give it to, I` Uh, hey, uh, did you hear about my latest bust? No, sorry. What, are you kidding? Everyone's talking about it. Oh yeah, the perp was 14, but he was big. I mean, he had, you know, man muscles. Obviously, he pumped iron. Of course, so do I. Anyway, something about his behaviour didn't add up. He was lingering around the fancy jeans section too long, and between you and me, he didn't look like the kind of kid who could afford them. Is that profiling? Maybe. Did it work this time? You bet your butt it did. Well, the minute those jeans went in the knapsack, it was on. I mean, he tried to get away, but obviously, I'm pretty agile, so` George, thanks for visiting, but I need to take my break. Oh, yeah. Sure, of course. Hey, you've been on your feet all day. I'll go prevent some crime. OK. OK. (INHALES) No Rascal today, George? Hey! Chrystal, how many times have I told you it is an ARV, or for those people not in the biz,... BOTH: ...Asset Recovery Vehicle. But don't you need it to chase bad guys? I'm levelling the playing field. Let 'em think they have a chance. But we know they don't. That's right. (CHUCKLES) # You want that money, baby. # That's right, you know who got it. # Got so much money, baby. # Can't even close my wallet. # I'll be on Sunset, baby. # Yeah, I could take you shoppin'. Hi. I'm Chrystal. We have fifth period together. So? Well, I was thinking we could maybe put together, like, a study group or something. It could be a lot of fun. Yeah, that sounds awesome (!) I'll definitely RSVP 'no' to that. (GIRLS CHUCKLE) Do we look like a bunch of nerds? What a dork. As if we actually need to get smarter. GRUMPY CAT: Ah, the youth. They'd better hope to marry rich. And then there's Zack and Donny, the future of our great country. Think she'll like it, Zack? As if you value my opinion. God help us all. It's band issues. It's nice. I just can't have the fiancee of Dragon Tail's lead singer wearing something so... Dainty? Yeah, dainty. HIGH-PITCHED: Dainty. Show me the biggest rock you got. We did just sign a major recording contract. # You know you want it. # You know I got it. # This ain't no sonnet! # Dude, we're in the middle of a thing. Oh, you don't like my singing? Surprise, surprise (!) Now's really not the time, Zack. (SPEAKS MOCKINGLY) I have just the thing, and it's big. (EXHALES) (CHUCKLES) It's 8000. That's it? (SCOFFS) Well, we're not exactly Tiffany's. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Dude, what is with all the angst? I wanted to be the one pretending to get married, but everything has to be your way, just like what songs we sing in the garage. Cos I'm the frontman with the golden voice. (SINGS) Yeah! And you're the bass player with the fat fingers. I do not have fat fingers. Anybody can do this. Oh, that's me? Are you doing me right now? Oh, yeah, well, no one shreds killer base solos the way I do. Pow! Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom. Pssh! Yeah! Bssh! Whoa! (LAUGHS) Never mind. Good luck trying to find someone who can do that on our upcoming tour. Hello. There's not gonna be a tour. We hit that jewellery store, we're looking at 50 G's tops. You can't get a bus with that. How are we gonna bring our music to our audiences? Did you ever in your wildest imagination think a dog would be worth $1 million? Well, a Leonberger this rare and with championship bloodlines, well, that makes it truly one of a kind. Oh, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Yeah. That's one trippy-looking dog. Hey, wanna see him run? Oh, we'd love to see him run. Come on. Here you go, folks. There's a million dollars running down a hallway. (UNSETTLING MUSIC) Meanwhile, Chrystal found herself wandering amid the shoppers, past the kiosks, hoping to make sense of what it is to be a little girl who, though gentle and kind to all, is shunned by her peers. I think somebody could use a caramel macchiato with extra whip. (SIGHS) Well, that sounded like the weight of the world. You're not Roger. What gave it away? I know. I'm just filling in for him while he picks his mom up from the airport. His sleigh's in the shop. (CHUCKLES) I usually work Westbrook Mall, but, you know, us Santas try and help each other out. Well, it's nice to know that you Santas of the world are still decent to your fellow human beings. Wow, that's depressing. Where's your Christmas spirit? Some people are mean for no reason. And they get a lump of coal in their stocking. Luckily, people like you get special compensation from people like me this time of year. Is that chocolate? No. Are you kidding me? That's a magical Christmas coin. I hand them out to people who would otherwise have a crappy Christmas. I buy them online from magicalchristmascoins.co.uk/canz.com Because this is so much better than a sweet computer (!) Yes. Or a bike (!) That is correct. Or anything (?) Duh. Infinitely better. Look, make a Christmas wish. What you do is you make a wish, and you toss it into a fountain. Any fountain will do. You could use a toilet bowl in a pinch. Does that work? Yeah, it's a wishing well. Should work just fine. Thanks, but I don't really` Believe in mall Santa Clauses? That's not to say that I judge you for wanting to make a little extra money over the holidays. Look, you don't have to believe in me. What you do have to do is put your wish out into the universe. You can't claim it if you can't name it! (CHUCKLES) I got that from the Easter bunny. Or was it the tooth fairy? Whatever. It was at a convention Anyways, what do you say, Chrystal? How did you know my name? Let's just say your name's on the list. Did Jesse put you up to this? Look, wish first, then coin. That's what it says in the instruction booklet. Oh, and if your wish rhymes, you get extra Christmas mojo. That's really corny. Corny's good. Corny's my stock and trade. I do corny very well. Just give it a try. You do realise this is just a little girl humouring an old man, right? That's awesome. (CHUCKLES) (INHALES DEEPLY) For my Christmas wish, I wish` I wish I'd meet a friend ` one who listens to me and on whom I can depend. (SPLASH!) Happy? Santa dude? (CHUCKLES) I can see you right there. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, it's not me. I'm magical. Dumb. Never works. (MAGICAL CHRISTMAS MUSIC) (TWINKLING) (SLEIGH BELLS RING) (WHIP CRACKS) 1 (PHONE BUTTONS CLICK) This movie is awful. Oh, hi. Sorry. Um, I was just live-tweeting my own movie. You can do it too, just #worstchristmasever. Or don't. I don't care. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (BELLS JINGLE) Customer! Choose me! Over here! Snake for sale. Hey, Grumpy. Hey, hey. I like those boots, girl. Yeah. You lookin' good. Oh, very funny, Corbin. Oh, hey, Chrystal. Yeah, he's here for the rest of the week, folks, so come on by. I've got a really big sale on hamsters and snakes ` although, not necessarily together, though, cos that would be bad for the hamster. You wouldn't really eat me, would you, Carla? But of course not. I am a gopher snake. You look nothing like a gopher. Really? Phew. That's good to know. All right. Thanks. (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK) Customer! Over here! Customer! Hey, Mr Crabtree. Hey, Chrystal. Say hello to JoJo. Hey, boy. He's beautiful, isn't he? Beautiful? Pfft. On what planet ` Planet Ugly? Miaow. Yeah, he's also got a buyer, which means Whiskers will be staying open for a long time to come. You know, if it wasn't for him, we would be out of business. You're a superhero, JoJo. Yeah. He's the best thing to happen to me in a long time. (SIGHS) I'm not gonna lie to ya, it's been hard since I lost my Shirley. She was my rock, my world, my everything. Truth is, I, uh` I have neglected this place. WHISPERS: But it's only because I've been in so much pain. Ugh, I'm in so much pain listening to your sob story. I wish you'd put me to sleep. This is animal cruelty. Do the humane thing and give me the gas! Who is saying that? Saying what? I thought I heard someone say they were in so much pain from listening to your sob story that they wanted to be put to sleep. Huh. Well, forgive me for sharing. No, I didn't mean` I mean, I didn't say` Excuse me. I need to go find a suitable carrier for JoJo. Made of gold, I presume? Miaow. (CURIOUS MUSIC) It's you. Who, me? Say that again. OK, I don't know what's happening here, but I don't like it. You are talking to me. What are you, some kind of blonde witch? You can't understand me. I heard all of that! No, you didn't. Yes, I did! Well, stop it. You stop it! You stop it, witch! Are you having a conversation with the girl? Tell her I'm available, and apparently, on sale. Ooh, let her know I'll repeat any stupid thing she wants. My skin sheds. Will you shut up? You shut up! (GASPS) It's cool. I talk to the bird. Hands in the air, sucker! Hands in the air, sucker! Bwark! Yeah. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them. Wait, you can talk to the animals too? (SCOFFS) Don't act high and mighty just cos you're at the top of the food chain, honey. But I can only hear you. Well, that's a good thing, trust me. I'm the only one worth listening to. They're all very stupid and annoying. I'm not annoying. I'm awesome and fully of energy. I can play nonstop for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours. Oh God. Calm down. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Watch the fur. Miaow. OK, Grumpy Cat, why can I suddenly understand you? Um, why are you asking me? You think I want people knowing how I really feel about them? (CHUCKLES DRILY) Believe me, that's the last thing I would wish for. Wish. I tossed a magic coin into a wishing well and made a wish. OK, I'm embarrassed for you. You are a loser. But I wanted a person, not a cat. Hey, look at the freak having a conversation with the little kitty. (GIRLS CHUCKLE) Having a nice chat with your cat? (GIRLS LAUGH) Ooh, you rhymed 'chat' with 'cat' ` very smart, except you're terrible human beings. Miaow. (UPBEAT CHRISTMAS MUSIC) I need to talk to Santa. There's a line, and no cutsies. North... Pole policy. A Porsche? A real Porsche? Roger? What's up? I have customers. Yeah, he's got customers. And we're not going anywhere until he hears our entire list. SANTA: 'Us Santas try and help each other out.' But, Roger, I thought you had to pick up your mom at the airport for the holidays? Actually, I live with my mom. So do we. She's a really good cook. SANTA: 'You don't have to believe in me. What you do have to do is put your wish out into the universe.' Roger, do you know the Santa from the Westbrook Mall? Westbrook closed a while ago for renovations. Everyone knows that. Are you dumb or something? BOTH: Ha ha, she's dumb. I hate my life. GRUMPY CAT: Chrystal had been mesmerised by a magic talking... distractingly beautiful cat, who's telepathic communications not only troubled her young mind, but also drew her like a moth to a flame, back to the origins of this great mystery. Problem is ` she also promised to go to Jesse's stupid Christmas party. (PEOPLE CLAP, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) Ooh, no. Tabby ` handerpants. You know you want 'em. It's one of a kind ` nose shower gel dispenser. No. No. Uh,... I'm gonna have to go with... the fruit cake! (GROANING) Ah! Nice get, but you completely missed these ` my awesome set of sea-worthy salt 'n' pepper shakers. (PEOPLE EXCLAIM) You dog. You were hiding those. Hell, no, Jesse. Salt 'n' pepper shakers. What?! (LAUGHTER) The price of greed, my friends. Come to me, Chrystal. You are powerless to resist me. Miaow. MAN: Your turn, Jesse. I'm just gonna take that fruit cake. Oh, give it! I dipped. All's fair. All's fair. You don't like fruit cake. Nobody likes fruit cake. Just come on, let it go. Fine. Handerpants, please. With pleasure. (INTRIGUING MUSIC) (BELLS JINGLE) Why are the Cinnabon employees always the last to leave? Because they're up all night making those delicious sticky buns. Oh. They should really lock this. Yeah, but then we wouldn't be able to` Stop. OK. CHRYSTAL WHISPERS: Grumpy. Grumpy! Miaow! Did I scare you? What gave it away ` my scream of sheer terror or the puddle of pee? And lower your voice. I don't want those other freaks to wake up. (INTRIGUING MUSIC) Don't even think about it. Yeah, Paul Blart. Oh! (WHIMPERS) No! You're making a big mistake! (ZAP!) (YELPS) Where are the master keys? I will never tell. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Oh, hey. Let's do it the easy way. They're right on the hook over there. Oh, is it this one? (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) That sounds a lot like yes, so I'm gonna go with that. (ZACK AND DONNY LAUGH) # Ooh! You know you want it. # You know I got it. # This ain't no sonnet. # (LAUGHS) You were great, man. Super aggressive. MUFFLED: Hey! GRUMPY CAT: What are you doing here, anyway? Trying to figure out what the heck is going on with us. What's going on is that you're bothering me. I was sleeping. How'd you even get in? Reveal yourself, witch. (GASPS) You stole the key. Borrowed. Don't give me that look. What look? That look of judgement you're giving me. This is my look of tacit approval. Well, whatever. We really need to figure this talking thing out. OK, but it's worth pointing out you really screwed up your big wish. Why wouldn't your first choice be an unlimited supply of tuna? (PLAYS CLASSICAL TUNE) Another, Mademoiselle Grumpy Cat? Oui, oui. Just keep 'em coming until I pass out. Because I don't like tuna. Huh. Your loss. David Lee Roth, Gary Cherone or Sammy Hagar? Oh, it's not even an argument. (BELLS JINGLE) Sammy Hagar's clearly Van Halen's best lead singer. What?! Gary Cherone blows that hack away. (SCOFFS) Most people don't even know who Gary Cherone is. How dare you minimise his contribution? Oh, he was the lead singer for one very forgettable album. That's a weird cat. You're weird. Miaow. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Hey, there he is. There he is! (SNORES) Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Wow. Freaky-looking and a terrible guard dog. Me, me, me, me, me. Oh, time for a walk? Whoa, this is awesome. They're stealing the dog. I love these dudes. OK, not only is Gary Cherone the better vocalist, but I'd bet my favourite amp he could totally beat Hagar in a (HIGH-PITCHED) kung-fu fight. Oh, I'd take that bet. Seriously? All right. All we gotta do is get 'em in the same room. We can't let them steal JoJo! Just to play Devil's Advo-cat, what if we let them steal JoJo? (CLICKS BUTTONS) It's dead. I don't care about that. (INTRIGUING MUSIC) (KEYS JANGLE) They left their keys. OK, freeze. At this point, things could have gone two ways. The fast way, which goes like this. I raced out of the pet store with Chrystal in tow, and knowing that precious moments were ticking away like a ticking time bomb, I flew like the desert wind toward a building that looked official ` again, with Chrystal in tow ` where I alerted the authorities to the crime in progress. No! I don't wanna go! Within moments, the culprits were apprehended. Ow! This really hurts! You're welcome, police. OK, that's enough. Me and my sidekick, who barely did anything, were hailed as heroes. Thank God for me. But that would mean a pretty short movie and a lot less advertising revenue, so luckily ` and through no persuasion on my part ` it went like this. They left their keys! Put those back. They're gonna need 'em. But if they steal JoJo, Whiskers will go out of business. And? And this is the only place where I don't have to worry about being accepted. Uh, so? I can just be me. I'm sure you can get the same warm and fuzzies at the library. But if Mr Crabtree has to close, do you have any idea what that means for you? I'm sure he would... take me in. I-I'd make a fine house cat. I-I know I would. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, because you've had a lot of luck with that (!) (SAD VIOLIN MUSIC) Please, Mr Crabtree, don't do it. Don't do it, Mr Crabtree! No! You're a horrible man. (SIREN WAILS) MAN: Freeze, kitty cat. Hey, man. I'm innocent. It was the other cat. Th-The calico with the lisp. (SAD VIOLIN MUSIC CONTINUES) What about that one, Daddy? She looks like the kind of cat... ...who would make the best pet ever? ...that would smother you in your sleep. Let's keep looking. That's a pretty one. Don't worry. It's not going to hurt. This is way too dark. No! Well? Oh, I'm alive. Great. Can I have some more time to think about it? No. All right, fine. (BELLS JINGLE) (SCRAPING, GLASS SHATTERS) I'm back. What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. I just rolled around in some catnip and I'm ready to go. Let's do this. There they are ` Donny and Zack. They are psyched. They just stole a million-dollar mutt from Mr Crabtree's store. Nice. (BOTH LAUGH) ZACK: That was easier than getting a record company to listen to our demo. DONNY: We are getting so much bank for this pooch. (BOTH WHOOP) That's why I'm the captain of this ship and you are the matey. (GASPS) Are we pirates? What? Are you saying we're pirates? No, I'm the guy, and you're the guy behind the guy. Like, if this was Nirvana, I would be Kurt Cobain and you would be the bass player with the really long name. Can't it be more like a Cliff Burton, James Hetfield kind of thing? You know, like, without one, you don't have the other. Where are my keys? They're not here. (GASPS) Good job, Kurt Cobain (!) Nice lookin' out, Zack (!) Why the hell is this on me? Cos you're supposed to be the lookout guy, right? You're supposed to be looking out for stuff like this! I hate you, you know that? I'm gonna start my own band, and I'm gonna call it The Tail of the Dragon. You can't do that. My band is Dragon Tail. There's gonna be some serious market confusion. Oh, well, I already LegalZoomed it, so... (GRUNTS) Ow! Sweet Caroline! That was my finger plucking hand. What the heck are you doing? I was gonna hot-wire your car. Hey, do you know how to do that? Oh, no. (CHUCKLES) But it's easy. I saw it on TV. You just... check... Zzzzzz... with the wires. Don't ever touch my car again. OK. I know where my keys are. They're on top of the fish tank. Why didn't you tell me that before? Come on, man. My hand really hurts! At that very moment, Chrystal and I were racking our brains, trying to formulate the perfect plan for a daring rescue. And then it came to me. How about this plan ` we let them steal JoJo and then we nap. No, you're coming with me. Oh, great (!) Who's doing the kidnapping now, huh? You're as bad as them! Quick thought ` you should take Carla. A snake is a lot scarier. I'm not scary. I am fun, and I am charming, and I like long slithers on the beach. (BELLS JINGLE) Let's go. We need to find security. DONNY: Move your damn butt. Uh-oh. Off-screen voices of bad guys. Hey, that's weird. I swear I put my keys right here. Why don't you ask that sad cat? He was watchin' the whole time. (SIGHS) Yeah, that's really helpful, Zack (!) Look at the fish follow my finger! DEEP VOICE: I'm the fish whisperer. Hey, where is that cat? # Up on the housetop, reindeer pause. (GASPS) Hmm. Wonder if they know they're not the only ones here (?) We're not the only ones here. Aliens. Come on! # Who wouldn't go? Ho, ho, ho. # Who wouldn't go up on the housetop? JOJO: At least I'm getting some cardio. (PANTS) (RHYTHMIC CLICKING) # Do, do, do-do, do, do, do, do. # Do, do, do-do, do, do, do, do. # Do, do, do-do, do, do, do, do. What do we do? Uh, I'm thinking, you know, give up. Let the failure wash over us. # Do, do, do-do, do, do, do, do. (RHYTHMIC CLICKING) # First come the stocking of little Nell. # Oh, dear Santa, fill it well. Does this mean stop or go forward? Everybody knows this means stop. Oh, everybody? (FOOTSTEPS RUN AWAY) Hey! BOTH: Stop! (ACTION MUSIC) (KEYS JANGLE) I like this place. Hey, maybe we'll bag a deer later. Just keep an eye out. I may be grumpy, but I'm still a cat, OK? My focus is exceptional. (BEAR GROWLS) (GASPS) Whoa! (EXHALES DEEPLY) Oh, man. I thought that was my mom. Who puts a grizzly bear in the middle of an aisle? I hate nature. Hey, check it out. (DOOR OPENS) Did you hear something? Um, yeah. The sound of your heart beating through your chest. Ooh, shiny little fishies. Yum. Yum. Shiny little fishy. Shiny little fishy. Whoa. Gotcha. Miaow. Miaow. Miaow. What? Wait. Whoa, hold on. Oh, my` Ow! (CRASH!) Hey, over there. Are you trying to get us caught? Hello? I'm sorry. It bit me. You turned on the Christmas village, like, one scene ago, hypocrite. Hello? Is anyone there? Stay here. Right. You get the s'mores. I'll start the hot chocolate. Actually, I'm gonna use you as a decoy. Wait a second. That sounds bad for me. Just sit here and look bored to death. Yeah, yeah. Play to my strengths. I get it. (INTRIGUING MUSIC) I just want my keys, yo. We know you have them, because you've been running from us, and that makes us point the finger at you. We're not gonna hurt you. But only if you give 'em up now, because later's gonna be too late. Yeah. We'll be a lot madder then. (GRUNTS) Why are you doing that? Shh! (CLANKING) (YELLS) Gotcha! Hello, gentlemen. It's that weird cat. I'm a decoy. JOJO: This isn't about me. Bye-bye. Dude, grab him. He stole your keys. Stole your keys? Did you really think that through? I have no thumbs. Come here, kitty, kitty. Now it'll be over. (SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!) (EXCLAIMS) Ow! Oop, I'm outta here. How in the...? What? (YELLS) (PAINTBALL GUN FIRES REPEATEDLY, MEN GRUNT) Stop it! Stop! Ow! JOJO: It's too noisy in here. Dude! We gotta get outta here! Pow! Pow! Pow! Come on. (CLANG! BOTH GRUNT) ENGLISH ACCENT: 'So sorry to interrupt. 'We may be taking some creative licence with what actually happened here.' Get outta here, British Grumpy Cat. (LOUD CLANGING, MEN GRUNT) ENGLISH ACCENT: 'Oh, real Grumpy, don't be absurd. 'They don't even make paintball guns for cats.' Prop departments do. Die, bad guys! Miaow! Miaow! Die! ENGLISH ACCENT: 'I've overstayed my welcome obviously. Toodles. I'll be in your head.' Miaow! Miaow! Man, we're gonna die. Dude, if we can get through Stairway to Heaven without any mess ups ` ow! ` then we can do anything, and that includes getting out of this. I have an idea. Hurry back! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! (ZACK WHIMPERS) (ACTION MUSIC) Hey, where's the dog? Ooh, I'm out. Adios, muchachos. Oh, how the hunted becomes the hunter. (CHUCKLES) (WHOOSH!) (GASPS) # Yee-ow! # Donny? I'm coming for you, big guy. (BOTH SCREAM IN HARMONY) That looks like it hurts. Because it does! Comin' for you, paintball vigilante,... SOFTLY: Come on. ...as soon as I pull this arrow out of my bro's foot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (POP! ARROW CLATTERS) (GROANS) Hey! You get back here! (ACTION MUSIC) (VELCRO RIPS) Which way did he go? Oh, that looks bad. Come on! (PEACEFUL CHRISTMAS MUSIC) (KEYS JANGLE) (SPLASH!) 1 (TYPEWRITER KEYS CLICK) Terrible Movie, She Wrote by Grumpy Fat. - Uh, crap. Dammit. Oh, never mind. - (DING!) Uh, chapter four. Villains peppered with paint,... (CLANG! BOTH GRUNT) ...and on the hunt. Which way did he go? A million-dollar doggy on the loose. JOJO: You'll never get me. A courageous Chrystal hides the dognappers' keys as the witty kitty continues to quip. Isn't that where all dreams go to die? It'll have to do. And his guy pulls up in his... car. Wait a minute. What's the landlord guy doing here? Red herring or plot point? You decide! (DOG PANTS) JOJO: Hello, there. Let's wrestle! (GRUNTS) (EXCLAIMS) Oh, yum. Yummy. Kissing me to death. Stop it. (LAUGHS) (SPITS, EXCLAIMS) Hey. Heigh ho. You're that expensive dog. Oh, my reputation proceeds me. What is this, a jailbreak, boy? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Come on. (GRUNTING) JOJO: Later, gators. Gotcha. What is your problem? Our problem? How would you like it if we shot you with a paintball gun? Mm-hm. Uh, I wouldn't? 'Course not, cos it hurts! And isn't nice. I'm glad we can agree on that. Can you let me up now? What did you do with my car keys? I-I don't know what you're talking about. Zack, punch him in the face. Hmm. What? What? My hand still hurts from punching your car, and he's my moneymaker. We haven't made a dime from our music yet. Well, why don't you punch him? You don't even play an instrument. My voice is an instrument. You hit him. # Hit him! # OK! (GRUNTS) CRIES: Ow! Ow, man! I think it's broken. I think it hurt me more than it hurt you! No, I don't think that's true at all. So, are you gonna tell me where my car keys are or are we gonna have to amp things up? I-I don't know anything about your stupid keys! Wait! Honestly, guys. I just came back to get my laptop out of my office. Well, it's not really an office. It's more of a cubicle. (SCREAMS) It is quite the drop. (WHIMPERS) JOJO: Jailbreak, jailbreak, jailbreak. (DOOR CREAKS) George! (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) Wow. Somebody finally figured out a way to shut him up. (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) You're gonna regret that. (RIP!) Ow! Oh! Oh my gosh. There's scissors there. Are you OK? What happened? These two guys jumped me while I was rewriting the policies and procedures handbook. Here we go. I think they had ninja training, but I-I drop kicked the first one, and then I-I hit the second one right in the Adam's apple. Do you have a half hour, Chrystal? Because I don't. And that's when they pulled their guns ` big ones ` and everybody knows that I'm a tough guy, and I'm ready to thrown down with the best of 'em, but I'm smart enough to know that I am no match for a bullet. Well, they're trying to steal JoJo. What's a JoJo? # Super dog. Super hound. Super model. # Hi. That's JoJo! Back so soon, gorgeous? Yeah, well, those guys were ignoring me. A dog? Why would they try to steal a dog and not some diamonds or something from the jewellery store? Mm, that feels good. Well, he's worth a lot of money. How much money? A lot! Yeah, a lot. And now they're after me cos I stole their car keys. I'm what's stopping them from getting away. 12-year-old girl thwarted the robbery. Hey, she couldn't have done it without me. George! We have to call the police. We can't. They pulled out the phone lines. But don't you have a cell phone? They took it. What are we gonna do? Wait a minute. How did you get here? My bike. OK, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get you back to your transportation, then you go for help. Come on. And, uh` Oh, you got a little kitty there. All right. And here, I'll take care of the dog and the mall until the cops arrive. Is there a bathroom in here? Are you sure you don't wanna come with me? Oh, no, Chrystal. I took an oath to protect this place, and that is exactly what I'm going to do. Oh. GILL: (WHIMPERS) I swear, I didn't have anything to do with shooting you. And frankly, I want you to steal that dog. No, seriously. My company wants to get rid of that pet shop and put a Club Chicken in there. I love those sweet chicky nuggets. (CHUCKLES) See? So it's a win-win. I'll look the other way. I never saw anything. You guys were never here. Donny, can I have a word? He sounds pretty convincing. I'm starting to think maybe he's telling the truth. Because I am telling the truth. You shut up. It's cool. I'm sorry. What did I just say? I think you might be right. Hell yeah, I'm right. Why do you think I'm right? I just realised if he was the one shooting us with paintballs, wouldn't he have paint residue on his hands? No residue. I'm clean. You're like a one-man CSI team. OK, so here's the thing ` Donny and I talked. It looks like this whole thing's been a big misunderstanding. (SIGHS IN RELIEF) Hey, no hard feelings. Are you sure? Cos I did punch you in the face, and I threatened to throw you over the railing. It's already forgotten. (SIGHS) I feel guilty. Don't. Honest mistake. You're awesome. You are awesome. We should totally kick it some time. What are you into? Oh, Frisbee golf! Zack, do you wanna wrap it up? If he's not the guy, that means there's another guy. Where's the dog? I thought you had him. Do I have to do everything? Oh, like lose the keys? Just go get the dog! What are we gonna do about him? (SIGHS) As much as we'd like to let you go, we can't. But` Shh. (PROPELLERS WHIRR) Miaow. Some are born great, others achieve greatness, and some watch Christmas movies starring cats. I think you know who you are. Miaow. What were you doing in the mall this time of night, anyway? (SIGHS) It's gonna sound really crazy. Try me. It's stupid. Come on. I'm a good listener. (SIGHS) Well, I can't believe I'm gonna admit this, but I came to talk to the cat. The cat? Yes, the cat. I thought you said you were a good listener, George. We understand each other. The way things have been going in my life right now, I can't say that about too many people. My dad left my mom for a barista. He barely calls any more. Last time he did, he said they were talking about getting married and starting their own family. Well, divorce can be tough, especially on a kid. But a cat? Really? She wasn't my first choice. Um, I'm right here. We have a connection. We can communicate ` in our own way. And I know it's weird, but there's something kind of great about her. Oh, don't get sappy on me. Wait. I forgot. It's a Lifetime movie. You can. I wish I had a friend. Law enforcement ` it's a lonely business. Occupational hazard, I suppose. See, there's the schmaltz I was looking for. You kind of feel for the big guy, huh? I'm glad we had this talk, George. Oh, yeah. Me too, kiddo. You know, you gotta hand in there, that's all. OK, look ` here is your stop. I can take it from here. Hey, don't forget your cat, huh. Thanks. How about another walk or a chew toy? What? You're still here? I am so not going to miss you. Forget you. Forgot you. Never thought about you. Be safe, George. I live for safety, Chrystal. (CHUCKLES) Oh, hey, real quick ` when the cops come, where should I tell 'em you put those keys? (CELL PHONE RINGS) (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I thought you said they took your phone. Oh yeah. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) This is so awkward. I-I thought they did too, uh, but` Man, I'm so embarrassed. Must be from the concussion from when they hit me on the head. You never said they hit you. Oh, I left that out. Well, you know, it all happened so quick. Well, this is great. We can call the police now, right? We're not calling the police, Chrystal. (GASPS) George, you devious scoundrel. You're the brains of this operation, aren't you? Look, I gotta say ` I totally saw that coming, but you didn't, huh? Where are the keys, Chrystal? How could you do this, George? Well, that is a long, complicated story which we can get into another time. (EXCLAIMS, YELPS) How did this escalate so quickly? (GROANS) (CELL PHONE RINGS) Mom, I can't talk right now. I'm at work. Yes, yes, I need a ride home. I need a ride home every time. Why must we have this conversation every single time? Here, doggy, doggy, doggy. (CELL PHONE RINGS, VIBRATES) Oh, hey, boss. What's up? Oh, hi. I'm just checking to see how everything's going. Oh, it's going great. We're like a well-oiled machine. This plan's foolproof. Nailed it. Really? Well, aren't you the least bit curious as to how I can be talking to you on the phone right now when I'm supposed to be taped to a chair? Well, that's a very good question. Well, see, this nice, little 12-year-old girl untied me. Well, that was cool of her. The same girl who took your keys. That's impossible. The guy who stole our keys was probably an ex-Navy Seal or something. He shot me in the butt. You should have seen the way he handled a paintball gun. It was a child, you idiot! (TYRES SCREECH, ALL SCREAM, CRASH!) (ALL GROAN) (GRUNTS) You OK, George? OK, I'm starting to think that based on all the times that I busted you guys around here for doin' stupid stuff combined with the debacle of what happened tonight, I don't believe that you are cut out for a life of crime. I think we're good at it. Whose idea was it to steal the dog? George, it was a way bigger score. I didn't need a bigger score. All I needed was enough money for a down payment on a houseboat for when I retire next month. But now thanks to you two numbskulls, a 12-year-old girl is leading your bigger score outta here! So... ...we should probably... ...prevent her from doing that... ...now. Mm-hm. Oh, now? I think he might be angry. And the winner of worst Christmas sweater goes to... master of the chicken quesadilla, Tacos Gigante's employee of the month, Alejandro Rodriquez! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Congratulations, Big A. I knew you had it in ya. Speech! Thank you, Jesse. Thank you, Academy, and thank you, family. Aw. You know, life is like a soft taco. If you dig inside, amid the layers, the protein of your choice and the salsa to the specification of mild, medium or caliente, you find the strength to stand tall and triumph... in the face of adversity. Miaow. Yo quiero, taco guy. Back off, familia. He's mine. Sorry you didn't win worst sweater. (SCOFFS) I was robbed. Here's the truth ` I was going to choose you, but I didn't want everyone to think that the only reason I did is because I like you. Even if that's just some line you're using to lower my defences, it totally worked. Yeah. My back-up plan was to impress you with my electric log. You do have one nice log. (LAUGHS) But seriously, it's actually a nostalgia machine. Yeah, it evokes a bygone era, a simpler time of pure ideals, asbestos, leaded paint,... Cheez Whiz. ...Cheez Whiz. (GIGGLES) Thank you for inviting us. Of course. I'm glad Chrystal's here. Well, the divorce has definitely made her more introverted, and she needs to go out and do things, take some risks. (INTRIGUING MUSIC) GRUMPY CAT: Uh-oh! Give it up, kid. Is this the end of the line for Grumpy and Chrystal? Will our heroes finally succumb to a villain so evil even 'evil' isn't evil enough to describe him? Am I going to keep asking questions? I will if it annoys you. Come back and find out. (ZIP WHIZZES) Are you still on the edge of your seat? Is the dramatic tension too thick? Are you still here? You are? Why? Whatever. Back to the story. Borm, borm, borm, borm. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Borm! Dun-na-na-na-na! Let's check in to see if I'm down to eight lives yet. Oh, wow, shocker (!) I'm still alive. Grumpy Cat didn't die in her own movie. What? Yes, I know. it's not just about me. (ZACK GRUNTS) Stop it! Ow! That hurt! (PANTS) George, this isn't right. What's Mr Crabtree gonna do? Oh, gosh. Mr Crabtree. I totally forgot. What`? What is he gonna do? (SNAPS FINGERS) Wait, I remember. He's gonna pay me a lot of money to get that stupid dog back. Ha! High five, George! No. You're a jerk! Yeah. Who leaves someone hanging? Come on. CHUCKLES: I'm the jerk? I'm` I'm the jerk? Me, the guy who fooled everybody by pretending to be a big blowhard when, in fact, he was just lulling them all into a false sense of complacency and trust? That's right. Me, the jerk, who rode around this mall on that stupid scooter, enforcing the law, but the whole time, all I was thinking about was breaking it? That jerk? So are you still pretending to be a big blowhard or what? Jerk. (CHUCKLES) I don't think so. (CHUCKLES, SCOFFS) Mastermind. Oh, yes. Oh, no, yeah. You're a limp short of being Keyser Soze. Now,... about those keys. Yeah, those keys. About them. I forgot where I put them. Oh, man! What are we gonna do? We're screwed. She's lying, right? Obviously. Oh. That was very convincing. OK, you and you, go find a nice piranha or scorpion to play with. Is he serious? All right. Now listen to me ` I'm not foolin' around any more, Chrystal. I mean, I'm outta patience. Now, you tell me where those keys are or somebody is going to get hurt. You wouldn't really hurt a little girl, would you? What do I look like, a nutjob? I'm greedy; I'm not evil, which I think is important to point out are two completely different things. One is the foundation of our economic system, and the other, you know, it's just bad. K. Not really following you, but... I'm not gonna hurt you, Chrystal. (SIGHS IN RELIEF) I will, however, hurt.. .the cat. Whoa, what? Me cat? Don't! Now, what was it you said about the cat being your best friend? So sweet. It really tugged at my heart strings, which would make it all the worse if something bad were to happen to the little guy. WHISPERS: Grumpy. First of all, I'm a 'she'. Why is that so hard to grasp? And second of all, pfft, he's bluffing. I'm not scared. Now, I'm gonna give you three seconds to tell me where those keys are or I'm gonna put the kitty cat in the trash compactor. No! Whoa, he's not bluffing! He's not bluffing! He's patting me way too diabolically. Tell him, Chrystal. You gotta tell him! One. I threw them in the wishing well! Oh, God. Thank you. (ZACK LAUGHS) (FROG CROAKS) Look at this huge frog. We're on it. It's called Patrick. (FROG CROAKS) See? That wasn't so hard, was it? Look, I never thought I was in danger, OK? It's my movie, after all, and I'm sure the Lifetime executive's already thinking 'sequel', like 'Grumpy's Worst Vacation Ever' ` Meowii-style. Anyway, since you're still watching this for some reason, um, I thought now would be a perfect time to see if you were interested in my new product line. Like Grumpy Cat golf balls or the Grumpy Cat dartboard. And, for the ladies, a sure-fire hit ` Grumpy underwear. To see what else in new this season, please visit www.grumpycats.com, and please be grump when you do it. Grumpy people only. Nice kitty. Kind of odd-looking, though. I don't see your face on any holiday cards. Come on. Let's get you something to eat. Stay! (SAD VIOLIN MUSIC) So, anyway, that's how the story ended. Bad guys made off with the overpriced freak dog and evil triumphed over good. So sad. (SAD VIOLIN MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Oh! Oh! Oh! (CHUCKLES) (MR CRABTREE WAILS) (RECORD SCRATCHES) I lied, OK? It didn't go down like that. But anyway, we're gonna take a break now, so go tweet about the movie and come back to find out what really happened. #worstchristmasever #whyamIwatchingthis (CELL PHONES BEEP) Huh? Oh! (VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS) (WHOOSH!) (BARKS) (CELL PHONE BEEPS) Oh! To help keep you safe if there's an emergency, all compatible mobile phones are now able to receive emergency mobile alerts. (CELL PHONES BEEP) Huh? Oh! (WHOOSH!) (BARKS) So when you hear this sound,... (CELL PHONE BEEPS) ...stop doing what you're doing and follow the instructions. (BEEP! BEEP!) 1 I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, people. This happy, sappy Christmas story had taken an ugly turn. Things were looking grim. And poor Chrystal. She was looking lower than a cat caught in a rainstorm. (SOBS) Can you blame her? Once again, she'd been let down by someone. Her faith in people was shaken. Wasn't there anyone to step forward in this desperate moment to boost her spirit, to make her feel like not all humanity was rotten to the core? Don't look at me. I don't do motivational. Sorry. That's Happy Cat. (BOING!) Miaow! I'm Grumpy Cat. But truth is I dug down deep and consulted my inner grump and realised that it was time to help a kid I was actually starting to care about. (CHRYSTAL SNIFFLES) Are you crying, Chrystal? No, I'm allergic to cats (!) What do you think? OK, I'm gonna let that one go. Come on, Chrystal. Just talk to me. TEARFULLY: Why? What's talk gonna do? I can't change anything, especially people. (SOBS) I try to make friends, Grumpy. I try to see the good in everyone. Stupidly even thought that George was my friend. Nope. Never was. See? I just feel like my life will always be a disappointment. I know what that's like, OK? Trust me. Having been bought and returned a couple times ` I get it. Can I trade her for a fish? It makes you feel like there's no love in the world. It makes you feel... well, grumpy. But you're different, Chrystal. You're full of love. TEARFULLY: What good is love if nobody gives it back? That's how we feel too. Every day, people walk in here to coo over the puppies and the rabbits and the JoJos and ignore us. True dat. Spot on, Grumpy. Preach it, sister. Freedom! So you know what? Contrary to that sign on the door, we're not pets. I mean, until someone takes us home and cares for us and loves us, we're just animals. Well said. Just animals. And reptiles. And as far as I can tell, humans are no different. You're actually making me sadder. OK, well, it's your low point. Deal with it. But what I'm trying to say is you are loved. Your mom loves you. Look at her. She loves you. Taco guy loves you. That guy loves you. Who is that guy? Even your dad loves you. Why? Because you're the amazing you. And that is why I've decided to adopt you. That's right. You're now on Team Grumpy whether you like it or not. - In fact, from this moment on, you're all on Team Grumpy. - (CHEERING) Team Grumpy! Uh, can we call it something else? And this team is going to win, wearing Grumpy T-shirts, Grumpy baseball caps and Grumpy glow-in-the-dark buttons. Am I right? (BOOING) Team Grumpy sucks. I don't want your swag. Shame on you, Grumpy. Shut up. Every team needs a sponsor. Come on. You really think we can still do something to save the store? Do I. There must be a million ways to stop these idiots. I just haven't thought of one yet. Aw, man. OK. No shocker there. Cats blow. OK, wait for it, people. I'm building here. We implore the fates to smile upon this ragtag assembly of freedom fighters. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers. Come on, fates. Oh, it's open. Well, look at that. Let me at 'em. It's clobberin' time. Good show. Now you're talking, G-Cat. Miaow. Thank you, Grumpy. Time to get scary. Ooh-hoo, not me. No. I'll undo the young lady's binds. (GRUNTS) Piece of cake, really. Hey, Mom. Yeah, a friend's gonna give me a ride. No. No, you don't know him. Yeah, I met him at the mall. CARLA: Shh. I'm going to enjoy this. He might like pot roast. I like pot roast. All right. I'll ask him if he likes pot roast. JOJO: Pot roast? Oh, count me in. He's gotta drive the speed limit. I'm, you know, wearing my badge, right? What else am I gonna do? Surprise. (SCREAMS) Whee! Ouch! Slimy, slithering... (BARKING) Oh, hello. Aren't you cute? JACKY: I smell crotch. (YELLS) (EXCLAIMS) Let go! Let go! Let go! What are you`? (GROWLS) (EXCLAIMS) (FABRIC RIPS) Oh, I hope he didn't want children. (PANTS) Holy crap. They're possessed. Get back. Get back, all of ya. (CLANG!) Ow! Ow! Give me that. Ow! How'd you get free? With a little help from my friends. Hi-yah! WILSON: Hands in the air, sucker. (SQUAWKS) Oh, gimme that. You're 12 years old. This isn't your day, Chrystal. And it's not your day either, you dumb animals. This is George's day! (LAUGHS) Come on. JOJO: What about the snacks? (ANIMALS CHEER) We rock. WILSON: Victory! Um, did anyone notice he still has the dog?! Blast, you're right. Take back the 'yay'. Oh. How fortunate. (GROUP PLAYS CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON KAZOOS) That was truly awful. (LAUGHTER, CHEERING) (GENTLE MUSIC) We should take kazoo carolling door-to-door, no? I wouldn't. Neighbours called ` they think you're Satan. Satan, Santa. Same letters switched around. Interesting, and which one are you again? There's only one way to find out. La, la, la, la, la. Get a room. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Miaow. WHISPERS: Sorry. It's OK. If you're sellin', I'm not buyin'. Mom, it's Chrystal! Who's phone is this? George and those two other morons are trying to steal JoJo. Slow down. Who's JoJo? The really expensive dog. Wait, where are you? At the mall! What are you doing at the mall?! And what are you doing not in the other room?! I came back to see Grumpy,... Hey, Mom. ...because she can talk to me. I am so confused right now. Mom, just get here quick. Call the police and Mr Crabtree. I can hold them off until you get here. Wait, Crystal, no. You have to leave there right now. Gotta go. (BEEP!) Hello? Excellent. The plot is finally coming together. That moment of literary alchemy when smoke turns to fire. Now, if only I could remember where I put my mousey toy. Welcome back to Catventures of the Serengeti. Shh. We're on safari. Watch the female hippo follow the male hippo into the watering hole. Soon the two will batter each other with their snouts in a splashtastic mating frenzy. Oops. Sorry. That's my other show,... um, also on this network and available on demand. 'Anyway, Chrystal,... Hi-yah! '...bad guy,... This is George's day! '...some dog... I like pot roast. 'and me.' Um, did anyone notice he still has the dog?! And now back to our show. We can't let them get away with JoJo. (EXCITING ACTION MUSIC) ZACK: (CHUCKLES) Ooh! I have, like, $8 here already. DONNY: Look at all the pennies, man. People are so cheap. Hey! Oh! Oh, hey, George. We were just comin' for ya. What the hell are you doing? Be a while till I get another parking ticket. Look at all this coin, man. (COINS CLATTER ON FLOOR) Ow! Will you two knuckleheads frickin' focus? Where are the keys? Right here, man. Ow! Good thing you didn't go commando, right? (GABBLES) Yeah, cos somebody did a crappy job tying up the little girl. Should I name names? Does it start with a 'Z' or a 'D'? Can we just get out of here?! Now! Yay, we're gonna save the day. (EXCITING ACTION MUSIC) I'm gonna call Crabtree tomorrow, and I'm gonna state our terms. State our terms! All right. When we get the buyer to pay up, do you two idiots think that you can handle the exchange? Hell, yeah. Wait. Where are you gonna be? My timeline has changed. I'm leaving to night. And by the way, guess who gets to drop me off at the airport? As long as you chip in for gas. You could pay us back, bro. It's no biggie. (EXCITING ACTION MUSIC) Oh no! We're too late! (CAR ENGINE STARTS) Grumpy? Don't question this. It happened, sister. Grumpy, are you serious? 'Course I'm serious. Look at my face. Buckle up. But you're a cat. How are you gonna`? (ENGINE REVS) How is this even possible? You can't even reach the pedals. (ENGINE SPLUTTERS TO A STOP) Thanks (!) You had to say that. Is this not my movie? Why couldn't you just go with it? OK, that never happened. This did. Oh no! We're too late! We'll never catch them on this! Let's take the Camaro! I don't know how to drive! Don't worry. It's like riding a bike but everything's different, so you have to be careful or you could die. Why not? Try the visor. (KEYS JANGLE) Aha! How did you`? We are in a movie! (CAR ENGINE STARTS) Punch it. Come on, come on! They're getting away. (ENGINE REVS, TYRES SCREECH) Miaow! (THUD!) # Up on the housetop, reindeer pause. Did we die? Am I in heaven? Is my brother Arturo here? Arturo! Oh my God. What did I do? Ha! Something I've been wanting to do since Thanksgiving. But maybe we should try going forward this time. (ENGINE REVS, TYRES SCREECH) GEORGE: Could you have parked any further away? ZACK: We scored the shade tree. We never get this spot. It's night! And what's with the clown car? Could it be any smaller? Hey, I'm reducing my carbon footprint. Hey, I'm gonna put a footprint right up your` Miaow! I promised you a car chase, and I'm delivering a car chase. (TYRES SCREECH) Yeah! I'm driving. I'm driving. I can't believe I'm driving. (TYRES SCREECH) Those are doors. I know that. This is the moment where we're gonna blast through this wall of glass as a hail of crystal shards rain down on our triumphant, heroic figures. (ENGINE REVS, BRAKES SCREECH) (SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC) (CLICK!) OK, so here's the deal. We had every intention of shattering that thing, but unfortunately, we didn't have the budget for it, OK? Not my problem. (TYRES SCREECH) (EXCITING ACTION MUSIC) This is great (!) Is everybody comfortable? I'm actually a little cold. Don't mind if I do, old chap. (CHUCKLES) JOJO: It kinda smells in here. How do you morons fit all your band equipment in this puke bucket anyway? Oh, have you ever played Tetris? It's kinda like that. But not any more, cos we're gettin' a tour bus! Tour bus! What the... It's Chrystal! Aw, why didn't we take the Camaro? Let's dance, clown car. (TYRES SCREECH) That's it, Chrystal. Surround them in a circle of death. Oh, God. I think I'm getting sick. We need to find a way in. (TYRES SCREECH) (TYRES SCREECH) Chrystal? Whoa! Miaow! Miaow! We've gotta stop them. Pass 'em on the left. Yeah, yeah, yeah! This is awesome! What is this kid doin'? (TYRES SCREECH) Miaow! (TYRES SCREECH) Wow. Have you done this before? What do I do, Grumpy? This kind of throwdown requires nerves of steel ` and a better soundtrack. (ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC) Ugh, I said better. ('THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY THEME') OK, good. Thank you. That's more like it. Time to finish what we started. ('THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY THEME' CONTINUES) (ENGINES REV) You ready? Just go! Step on it, and don't flinch. (ENGINES REV) (EXCITING ACTION MUSIC) This is so cool! (LAUGHS) Why did I let you talk me into this? (BOTH GASP) Miaow! (SCREAMS) (MEN SCREAM, TYRES SCREECH) (CRASH!) For those of you who are keeping score, we did have enough in the budget to destroy that cheap piece of scenery. Yes! Uh, Chrystal? Uh, crash positions! (BRAKES SCREECH) Miaow! (GRUNTS) Ow! Grumpy, no! Grumpy? Grump, talk to me. (MEWS) Please talk to me. (MEWS) Grumpy! No, no, no, no! Please! (MEWS) You're my only friend. I need you to say something ` anything! Gotcha! You jerk! Ha ha! I can talk. Please. Like the Lifetime execs would blow their chance for a sequel with the internet's biggest cash cat ` 'moi-ow'. (INDISTINCT CHATTER ON POLICE RT) Hey, watch the hair. It's` (GRUNTS) You're being very aggressive with my money maker, man. POLICEMAN: Hands in the air. You heard me. GEORGE: I'm a fellow officer. I'll take that, thank you. JOJO: Oh, hey, Crabtree. Thanks for coming. (GRUNTS) Ow! POLICEMAN: Let's go. Ow! Ow! You're hitting me. That was assault. GEORGE: They did it. They did it. I didn't do anything. ZACK: I'm an undercover cop. TABBY: Chrystal. Mom! Jesse! Thank God. So glad you're OK. Hey, where's the concern for me? You had me worried. I'm fine. Those guys didn't do anything to you, did they? That's a different kind of Lifetime movie. (WHISPERS) You know what I mean. No, Mom. Did I see you driving a Camaro? Yeah, but for the record, it was her idea. Is this the cat you said talks? I knew you wouldn't believe me. It's OK. The good news is there are people who can help you, and we will get you the treatment that you need. Mom, just forget I said anything, OK? You wanted me to make friends. You just never told me with who. Miaow. All right. I don't care. You are a good kid, and I love you. (KISSES) Love you too. I love you. Miaow. And I'm gonna tell you something you probably didn't know. When I was your age, I had an invisible friend. (CHUCKLES) So at least yours is real. I knew it. Chrystal's mom's a loser. Thanks, Mom. She deserves an elf. (PANTS, COUGHS) Hey, there, little lady. Hey, Mr Crabtree. Chrystal, you saved JoJo, and you saved my store. JOJO: Yep, she sure did. You're, like, a hero. (CHUCKLES) But you also stole my key and broke into the store. Yeah, about that` So to pay for the damage, I'm gonna have to dock your pay. But you don't pay me. Right. Well, then, I could, uh, make you employee of the month. Really? Well, there's only the two of you, and, to be honest, Corbin's kinda useless. (LAUGHS) I wish I was kidding. What? Thank you so much. Ugh, all this sweetness is killing me, literally. Or is it figuratively? Either way, I don't like it. Hello? (CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE) Hello? I could use a little help here. Hello? (CHRISTMAS MUSIC) CHRYSTAL: Come on! (TABBY LAUGHS) Come on, slowpoke. (TABBY LAUGHS) What's wrong? Nothing. I guess Santa didn't come this year. Why do you say that? Because I didn't get what I wished for. Which was? I was hoping I would get to adopt Grumpy. All right. Surprise. It's me. Merry Christmas. Grumpy! Yeah, yeah. Surprise. Hey! Oh, God. Hey, girl. Merry Christmas. All right. Let's take it slow, OK? This is the best Christmas ever. Sure, go ahead. Ignore the title of my movie. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Merry Christmas. Hey! Looks like Santa brought me a present too. Does she mean the coffee or the elf? (LAUGHS) Good one, Grumpy. This is gonna take some getting used to. (JAZZY CHRISTMAS MUSIC) Miaow. Ho, ho, ho. So remember ` make your Christmas wish and old St Nick will` (BONK!) Beat it, tubs. All right, everyone. Put your grumpy faces on and sing. # Jingle bells, Christmas smells, and it's really dumb. # Worse are movies about Christmas, so I hope you all are glum. # (JAZZY CHRISTMAS MUSIC) (SCREAMS) Ha ha. Have a very grumpy Christmas. It's the most terrible time of the year. Bah, humbug. TO THE TUNE OF 'JINGLE BELLS': # Miaow, miaow, miaow. # Miaow, miaow, miaow. # Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow. Hey, are you guys still watching this? Don't leave now. This is the best part. # Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow. # Miaow, miaow, miaow. # Miaow, miaow, miaow. # Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow. # Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow. # Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow. # Miaow, miaow, miaow. # Miaow, miaow, miaow. # Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow. # Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow. # Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow. # Captions by Julie Taylor. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.