(BIRDS TWEET) (GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) Stop! (COW MOOS) Don't eat that! It's cow poo! Yuck! Put this down! What were you doing? You were eating cow poo! Come on. Let's get you home. Got to get you clean. Come on. (CHILDREN BABBLE) Let's get you in the bath. Get you all clean. Sorry, Steve, I'll milk you later. - BOY: Hi, Steve! - (STEVE BLEATS) WOMAN: Come on. You're so handsome. You're so handsome! MAN ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hey. It's me. I can't wait to see you and the boys. I can't believe it's been six weeks. Love you. 'Bye. WOMAN: Jimmy. I can't believe I missed your call. It must have been while I was wiping cow poo off our sons. What time is the boat due in? - I'm dying to see you. - (BEEP!) JIMMY ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hello! You're still not there. You haven't moved back to London on me, have you? Potty now! Now? Alright. Wow, really? Oh! Hang on. Where'd you get Mummy's earplugs? (CHILD GIGGLES) BOTH: Eeeee... WOMAN: Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh. - Eeeee... - Mummy! Mummy! Yay, me, me! Sorry, Zack, just let Fred finish. (SINGS) 'Cause if he doesn't drop his load Fred is going to explode! - Eeee... - Finished! All done? Come on, then. Whee! Oh. - No poo. - All gone. Zack, no! - (GIGGLES) - Oh! Zack. I need those. - 'Cause who's coming home today? - BOYS: Daddy! (BOYS SING) Daddy boat, Daddy boat, Daddy boat Daddy boat, Daddy boat, Daddy boat... (BEEP!) JIMMY ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hey. It's me. There's a north wind trying to blow us back to the Antarctic, but I promise I'll be home for dinner - can't wait. - Boat! - That's like Daddy's boat. - Boat! - We don't need this boat. Because Daddy's coming home on his great big boat. We hope. - Boat! - I said no. Come on! Come on! - Boat! Boat! - Boat! (BOTH SCREAM) Boat! Boat! Boat! Boat! Boat! Boat! (BOYS CONTINUE SCREAMING) (WOMAN SINGS) # When moon shines # It's light on the sea # Its golden path glistens # The waves call and listen # To children who sleep # finally # The night birds before us # Sing softly in chorus # And I clearly see... # (GLASS DROPS) (PLAYS BLUES RIFF) # I need a tantrum of my own # Don't wanna raise these kids alone # I'm sick of being tough # I feel I've had enough # I need a tantrum of my own # Waaaahhh! # Waaaahhh # Aaahh # Aaahhhhh Ah ha. Ah. Uh... (NOTES PLAY) Hey, crazy girl. - Sorry I'm so late. - Oh! (BOTH SIGH) - Been a big day, has it? - Oh, baby. You don't know the half of it. (SNIFFS) I love your smell. - You have the best smell. - Thanks. - Wanna go to bed? - Yeah. (BOTH LAUGH) - Jimmy. - (SIGHS) El... Doesn't matter. And now, Elspeth Dickens, mother of twins... ..executes a triple half pike with a twist of lemon. (SNORES SOFTLY) Baby? Baby? (ROOSTER CROWS) - BOY: Mama! Mama! - Oh! Hold that thought. OK. You sit there, you sit there. Alright. OK. - BOY: Come on, Dad! - ELSPETH: Give it a kick! (WIGGLES SING) Doo-doo... - BOTH: Yeah! - Yes! # Let's all do the shimmie shake # Shake it on way down low - # Shake it on high... # - (ELSPETH GIGGLES) We got about three minutes till they're back in here. Ah! That's stacks of time! (GIGGLES) Peekaboo! (BOYS SHOUT HAPPILY) - Lads. - Hi. Hi. (BOYS SQUEAL) Who wants to make breakfast in bed for Mama? - BOTH: Me! - Hey! Come on. - (SNORES) - (GLASS SMASHES) Huh? - I'm on it, I'm on it. - The stove. - What? What? - It's on. - Careful, you'll step on the... - Get them off the counter. You put them next to a burning stove! What did you want me to do? Put them on the floor with the broken glass? - Can you pass me a paper towel? - Where are they? In the drawer, where they always are. TWINS: Mama's foot. Yes, bubba, Mama got some glass in it. - Can I help? - No. - You've done enough. - El, don't do this. Maybe Dad'll take Fred and Zack to feed the chooks while Mama cleans up in here. - I can clean. - No, Mama will do it. - What are we doing? - It's OK. We'll go feed the chooks. Daddy will be there in a second. - JIMMY: What's going on? - Nothing. You go away, you come back. You vanish into the Antarctic for weeks at a time and I can't contact you. That's the job. Why don't I go record the sounds of the whales? You stay here and do my job. Do you ever think about what it's like for me to be stuck here? - No friends, no family. - I know. I know it wasn't much of a career, but I miss doing my gigs. - I know. - Singing my little songs. - I know! - You don't! Don't say you know when you don't know. You have your whales and your work. I've got one little boy who won't take his wings off and another who refuses to defecate. (CHUCKLES) It's not forever. - Remember the deal? - Yeah, I remember. Your deal. The deal you proposed to me. You look after the kids till they start school, then it's my turn. They won't go to school for another 8 billion years. You said you wanted to support me doing something important. And I do. You said you were sick of singing to drunks in London pubs. You wanted this. You loved the idea of coming here. Look around you. It's beautiful. - Can you go check on the kids? - (BOYS SCREAM) El, the whales are here, and unless they start swimming up the Thames... You can't leave 'em alone in the chicken coop. It'll be chaos. Steven. Please don't eat my succulents. I'm gonna take the boys into town. Give you a break for the day. Thanks. James? Sorry. JAMES: Come on, lads! (DOOR CREAKS) TV: In its hunt for the dwindling whale population, the commercial whaling fleet is heading to the Australian Antarctic territory... - They're out. - Thanks. Really, thank you. TV: These ships have entered the sanctuary... You know about this? However, there is no practical mechanism for the government to enforce that law, leaving the whales vulnerable to slaughter. The Minister for the Environment regrets the situation, but... They called earlier. Are there protest boats? (SIGHS) You're going with them, aren't you? (HELICOPTER WHIRRS) (GOAT BLEATS) Oh. I almost forgot. So we can see each other while I'm away. It's a webcam. PILOT: Better hurry up. The ship's about to leave. Jimmy, don't be too brave, OK? James? Jimmy? Jimmy? I'm here. ELSPETH: Hi. Yes. I'm just trying to work out whether I'm doing something wrong or the ship is actually out of contact. Oh, I see. Well... I'll keep trying anyway. Jimmy. Jimmy? I'm here! I am here. Zack! Fred! Nap time! (HUMS) Right. Set up streaming in a few minutes. Start building your audience. Bollocks. Oh, my God! I'm on! (GIGGLES) I'm on! (BOTTLES CLINK) (SINGS) # Welcome to my kitchen sink # This is where I stop and think # Where I'm sometimes on the brink # Of madness Welcome to my washing- up # My 40,000th coffee cup # A place that knows my every sulk # And sadness # Here I'm stuck night after night # Here I plot revenge and flight # Here's the scene of wifely compromise # Pine O Cleen and Lemon Gleam # The kitchen sink is where I dream # And where I fantasise. # Hello. My husband gave me this webcam so that I could communicate with him, but he's not there. So I've decided to talk to you instead. Well, sing, actually. Hang on. I'll go see if you're there. (SIGHS) You're not there. I'm talking to myself again. (BOYS CALL OUT) WOMAN: He was standing in front of me with this deadly serious face and he absolutely looked like his father. So I said to him in my best serious mother voice, "Well, darling, that's because Sophie doesn't have testicles!" ELSPETH: Sorry! My ball. - So, what did he say? - I dropped my ball. Sorry, finish your story. Um, and he said, "But why doesn't Sophie have testicles, Mummy? "Did they fall off?" (ALL LAUGH) (LAUGHS ALONE) Did you need something? Um... Mind if I join you? WOMEN: Uh... - Um, yeah, sure. - Sit down. Look, I'm new here, and to be perfectly honest, I'm going a bit loopy. It's not as wonderful as everyone makes out, is it? Being a mother. Sometimes you just want to slap 'em into the middle of next week, don't you? You have something on your top. I think it's banana. - I would never hit my children. - No, no... No, you idiot. She didn't mean literally. You know, I bought bananas at the organic market. They're not cheap. But they're good for the planet and they're not gonna give you cancer. Have you heard about putting plastic bottles in your freezer? Apparently, you get instant cancer. - Are these antibacterial? - Yeah, of course. Otherwise, you're just transferring the germs. Um, was that you the other day at the supermarket? - With the twins. - No. I don't think so. Oh! Oh, those kids were out of control! - Out of control. - Out of control. - Out of control. (WOMEN SING) # Do you let them watch TV # And feed them chips and cake for tea? # Or do you give them salad for supper? # Once a week, I serve 'em pizza # From the freezer frozen treats # I'm a bad, bad mother # Mama walks the shores of Devon # My shoe size is five # And she wears seven # I'm just a lonely cowgirl with the blues # With an aching need to fill my mama's shoes WOMEN: # Do they play the violin yet? # Do they run the minute mile yet? # Are they much more gifted than the others? # Whoo! # They just like to play the fool # And run around in a circle # I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad mother # Do your babies read and write? # Do they sleep sound at night? # Do they play in the fresh air? # And if they don't, do you really care? (BABIES CRY) - Whoo! - Aaaah! Whoo-hoo! - Whoo-hoo! - Whoo! Whoo-hoo! # My mama walks the hills of heaven # My shoe size is five # And she wore seven # I'm just a lonely cowgirl - # With the blues - # Mama's shoes # With an aching need # To fill my mama's # Shoes # Oh, mama's shoes # Whoo! - # Hey-hey, hey-hey - # Hills of heaven - # Hoo-hoo-hoo - # Hills of heaven... # Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, I feel much better now that I've shared that with you. I'd feel even better if I knew you were watching. So please log on. Let me know what you think. (RINGS BICYCLE BELL) - (BOYS SQUEAL) - ELSPETH: Oh! Hang on! - Hi. - Hi. I'm Neil. I'm Neil from CCI. Computer Care International. Oh, I thought you worked at the supermarket. I do. Right. Well, come on in. Uh, you need some keywords for the search engines so people can find you. Like 'singer' or, you know, 'singing songs'. - Ooh! 'Sink songs'. - 'Sing songs'? No, 'sink songs'. Oh, I get it. 'Sink songs'. - Mmm. - Oh, OK. Yeah. - Anything else? - (BOYS GIGGLE AND SCREAM) (BOYS CLANG POTS) Um, other keywords. 'Desperate housewife'. 'Songs from kitchen'. 'Domestic prisoner's musical breakout'. I don't know, Neil. Any suggestions? No, no, no, no, th- that's great, yeah. Uh, um... You can have, like, a ringtone thing too. For what? To let you know when people are logging on. So each time someone logs on, you hear... (DUCK QUACKS) Quack-quack. - (HORSE NEIGHS) - Neigh! But there's a lot to choose from. - (PIG OINKS) - Or you could make your own. Oh, I think animal sounds are brilliant. I've got your camstream now linked up with YouTube and Facebook and Myspace. That's great. That's wonderful. - How much do I owe you? - No, no. Nothing. It's... It's free for you. Uh, I mean, there's a special on. - F- first visit is free. - Oh. No charge. What about Computer Care International? Won't they be cross? Oh, um... They are me. I am it. I am... - (ANIMAL NOISES PLAY) - ..Computer Care International. (SOFTLY) Careful, darling. - (CRIES) - Oh, darling. Come here. Come here. Shh, shh, shh. (SINGS) # If you didn't do what you wanted to # If you only did what everybody told you # Who would you be? # You will always try You will always fly # You will always look a tiger in the eye # Take it from me # I see in your eyes # There's a movie of dreams # See there is more to you # Than it first seems # See you are brighter # Than all the moonbeams # You know # For you light up the darkness You glow # Don't give up Don't give in Don't let go. (HORSE NEIGHS) (DUCK QUACKS) (COW MOOS) (ROOSTER CROWS) (SINGS) # Welcome to my kitchen sink # This is where I stop and think # Where I'm sometimes on the brink # Of madness... (ANIMAL NOISES PLAY) - What is that? - A mate sent me the link. It's supposed to be some girl down in Tasmania. WOMAN: On a platter! - Here it comes. - Cross as a frog in a sock. If we don't find a goddess by Friday, they're going to pull the account. And if they pull the account, we'll be letting people go. (HUMS CHEERFULLY) Thanks for waiting. I was just putting my boys down. You know, staying at home with the kids can be great. Really special. Not that I'd ever take any of it back. But do you ever wonder what other lives you might have lived? Do you ever suddenly have the urge to be someone else? # Do you ever think... (SINGS) # I have an itch # To be a corporate bitch # In a suit with stockings and high, high heels # On my long, long legs # You know I'd hire # Then again, I'd also fire # Anyone who underperforms # Or was plainly the dregs # I'd jog into work at six # 'Cause that's how I'd get my kicks # Macchiato in my suite 'Cause I take my coffee neat # The only boys I would employ would be hunky, hot and toy # So that I can just harass their tight little arses # I wanna be a mover, a shaker # A fashionista ballbreaker # I wanna be a CEO queen # I wanna rock the private investment scene # So that their deal # Would need my corporate bitch seal # I have an itch to be a rich kitsch bitch # Manicure and massage a la plage # Followed by a painless Brazilian... # It's that girl from the park! # Andy Warhol on my wall tells me I could have it all # I would like to bankrupt you and still have a kid or two # I'd take a week from work so that I could carry them # And if they didn't arrive on time # It's a caesarean # I wanna be a mover, a shaker # A fashionista ballbreaker # I wanna be a CEO queen # I wanna rock the scene # The paparazzi will take pictures # Of my dynasty of bitches # I have an itch # To be ruthless in my pitch # To be a system-bucking, eyebrow-plucking # Tantrum-chucking corporate bitch! # Cassandra? Sure. No problem. 'Bye. (SCREAMS IN DELIGHT) BOTH: Yay! CASSANDRA: It's a computer, a laptop, pitched specifically at the female market, and I need someone who embodies today's woman - mother, lover, artist, corporate bitch. We want to see all these facets. And I have flown all the way down from Sydney today because I think you'd be perfect. We want to use all your songs, the whole webcam thing. Naughty! - Zack! - (SQUEALS, GIGGLES) No! - (TOILET FLUSHES) - Yeah! Um... Was it a very expensive phone? Oh...! He's out of contact. I don't know when he'll be in contact, so I had to say no. I think he'd want you to take this opportunity, Elspeth. If we were part...partners, I know I would. I think you should call that lady back and say yes. Oh, Neil, that's so sweet. But even practically speaking, what do I do with the kids, eh? What do I do with you two for three days? Well, I trained as a paediatric nurse, but quite frankly, I just think the most important thing is that I click with the littlies. - BOYS: Click! - Click! (SEATBELT CLICKS) TV: In breaking news, heartless career woman abandons helpless twins in pursuit of fame and fortune. Nakedly ambitious singer realises error of ways as plane plummets into Pacific. Environmentally friendly husband marries marine mammal and selfish, selfish woman gets what she deserves. (DOLPHIN CHITTERS) Coffee? - Uh-uh-uh. - Mm-hm! Hmm. - Ahhhh! - Ohhh! You clear off! The police are on their way! Clear off! My...my husband's inside, and...and he's got a gun! Who the hell are you? Where's Elspeth? MAN: Welcome to Hotel Sydney, ma'am. Thank you. Whoop... Whoops. (GIGGLES) Watch where you're going, lady! Hang on a second. Round again. Hello! - Elspeth! Ah, g'day. - Oh! - Um, I'm Ralph. - Hi. I'm Elspeth. Hi. - These are for you. - Oh, thank you. - Oh. - Oh. I'll get... Ah! You get... You... Ah! Yeah. I'm gonna get your bag and we'll go this way. And this is your room. - It's a terrible view, hey? - Whoa! And this is to keep you famous. You can broadcast whenever you like. (SINGS) # I have an itch... (HUMS) Hey, whoa! What are you doing? You're not putting me on. I'm just checking my webcam back home. I've hidden it in a pot plant. You've hidden it? Yeah - I've turned it into a nanny cam to keep an eye on things. Elspeth Dickens, 007. - (POTS CLANG) - Ooh! That's a big noise. ELSPETH: There's my boys. This should help with the pain, Mr Dickens. Oh, thanks. I'm so terribly sorry. That's alright, Mary. I'm sorry about the swearing. Oh, I should have realised who you were, but Mrs Dickens said you were out of contact... - No, no. It's fine. - (BOYS SQUEAL) Would you like me to take them out for a bit of a walk so you can have a rest? Thanks, but... Would you like something to eat? Mary, what I'd really like is to spend some time with the kids on my own. Here. (SINGS) # Oh, mama-mama-mama, mama-mama-mama-maria # Oh-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-aa # Gimme a hotel Gimme a motel # Gimme a vacancy # Gimme the space now, out of my face now # Do not disturb me # I'm ripping off my collar I'm gonna howl and holler # I'm gonna have a pillow fight # I'm gonna dance the whole damn night - # I love a private party - # Yeah, yeah, yeah - # Nobody's invited - # No, no, no # 'Cause that's what I decided # And what the lady wants, the lady's gonna get, yeah # I've got the time to make me # So even I would take me # I think I'm gonna kiss me # I'll leave and then I'll miss me # I'm using all the shampoo # Because you told me not to # I might do things I've never done # I'm gonna take the towels and run, hey # I love a private party # Nobody's invited # 'Cause that's what I decided # And what the lady wants, the lady's gonna get, yeah # I'm gonna raid the bar fridge # I'm gonna hog the bed now # I'm gonna play my music # I'm gonna play it loud now # Mama-mama-mama-mama, mama-mama-maria # Oh-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-ia # And I love a private party # Nobody's invited # I'm turning down the lighting - # It could get quite exciting - # Lady, get what you want # I'm turning out the lights now. # Gerald would have a fit if I carried on like that. Gerald would have a fit if you farted without permission. Well, at least she's trying to do something with her life. At least she's trying. Oh, for heaven's sake, will someone get this woman to bed? Helen, can she use the spare room? No, no, I'm not tired. I'm pregnant. - Oh, no. - Oh. Sorry. ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi, Mary. It's Elspeth. I'm just checking in to see how you and the boys are doing. Um, give me a buzz back when you get this message. Thanks. - Ready? - (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) - Alright. - Yeah? Wait! Enter. Well! You look all shiny and new. Eight hours sleep without a single toddler finger up your nostril will do that for you. Thanks for having me. I just can't believe it. It's a dream. Ralph, fetch the Goddess. - Tada. - I love it. It's beautiful. Goddess. For all the women you are. Is that a line from the ad? That's THE line. My line, actually. And strictly speaking, it's not an ad, it's a webisode. A series of webisodes. So the idea is, right, to post a whole bunch of clips of you singing on the Net, and in each clip, you'll play one of these different characters. And then you'll use your Goddess computer to solve any little problems that might arise. Have you had a chance to read the scripts yet? - Great. - Big day tomorrow. - Are you ready? - Mm-hm. (PHONE RINGS) (PHONE RINGS) - Hello? - Oh, hi! Hey. - So, you got a gig. - Yeah. It's a Web thing. Sort of ads but on the Net. - So you're back. - Yep. Yep. I left a million messages for you, but you weren't there, and I thought, "He wouldn't want me to miss an opportunity like this." So I took the plunge. Have you met Mary? Isn't she great? JAMES: Um... - Yeah. - How are the whales? - How did it go? - Fine. Good. It went well. Don't be angry with me, James. The opportunity came up and I took it. Fine. Don't say it's fine when you don't mean it. - I do mean it. - No, you don't. You're angry. I'm not angry. I just wasn't expecting you to be away. - Yeah, well, I am. - Yeah, you are. When you're away, do I call up and pick fights with you? Picking fights? I'm not the one picking fights! Why would you accuse me of picking fights when I'm thousands of miles away already feeling bad about doing something that's my perfect right to do? (BOTH SIGH) (SINGS) # Welcome to my kitchen sink # This is where I think and think... # Sorry. Can I just check the lyrics? Elspeth, this is your song. You know the lyrics. I know, I know. - Do you want to take a minute? - No, I'll get it right. MAN: Still rolling. # Welcome to my kitchen sink # This is where I stop and think... # - Um, did geishas wash up? - DIRECTOR: Cut! 89.7% of all domestic cleaning is performed by women, regardless of their profession. Is that true? I've absolutely no idea, darling, but it feels true, doesn't it? Don't eat the props! Shit! (MUMBLES) Sorry. Changing lenses. Take five. I'm sorry. I've gone all fuzzy round the edges. I've seen this a million times. You're terrified of succeeding so you sabotage yourself before you can be disappointed. Do you really think so? (KNOCK AT DOOR) We're ready. - What I think? - (SQUEAKING) What I think is, you can do this. Mm-hm? Right. Come on, alien girl. - Eh? - (LAUGHS) - What do you reckon? - Handsome. Hey? I look like a giant squid. Come on. Just a few more shots and it's a wrap. And then it's drinkies and a fancy-schmancy din-dins. - Oops! Where are we going? - Oh, my head. It's just down here. They're waiting. - No, for din-dins. - Oh, for din-dins? - I think it's a sushi joint. - I need the toilet. Thanks for the gig. For all this. I'm having so much fun. I'm sorry about today. I'm sorry if... Oh, sorry, schmorry. You're doing brilliantly. And if I may make a prediction, it's going to make you famous. - Really? - Mm- hm. Tell me about you. Are you married? Jettisoned the husband, darling. When you're breaking through the glass ceiling, there are bound to be casualties. Well, angel, he could barely do wee-wees standing up by himself. Honestly, no loss there. Any kids? No, no, never did the kid thing. Oh, look. Oh! WAITER: Here we have a tower of lobster tail, fried quail egg topped with fresh Sydney rock oyster and an icing of crushed beluga caviar accompanied by sauce Choron. ELSPETH: Thank you. Ooh! Mmm! Mmm! - Elspeth! - What? You just murdered an entire symphony of taste sensations. Sorry. Just so excited to eat a meal I haven't cooked myself. - Here. - Oh, no, it's yours. - Honestly, I'm not hungry. - Oh, OK. Now, one more time with feeling. Savour the sluttish luxuriance of the oyster. Let the juices have their wicked way with you. Love it like you're not supposed to. (BOTH LAUGH) Aren't we naughty? It's such a lovely night. I think I'm going to walk back to the hotel. Yes, of course, but before you go, I want you to do something for me. I want you to repeat after me, "I am Elspeth Dickens, goddess!" (LAUGHS) No! Come on. You've got a big photo-shoot tomorrow. I need you to be in the right headspace. Think of it as a branding exercise. What brand of woman are you? (SHOUTS) I am Elspeth Dickens, goddess! (BLOWS WHISTLE) Yes, you are. See you at the studio. 7am sharp. (SINGS) # Oh, my, here's a beauty # She's a real cutie # Think I feel a duty to put her in my song. # - What's your name, darling? - I'm Elspeth Dickens, goddess. (LAUGHS) # Elspeth is a goddess - # And she is very modest... - Mm-hm. # She is much too pretty to be alone in this big old city # Oh, Elspeth Dickens, my heart quickens # But I ain't easy pickins 'Cause you walk like # You walk like You walk like # 10 chickens. - I'm sorry, but it rhymes. - Rubbish. (LAUGHS) # I have to play here # Don't disappear, dear... (CLUCKS LIKE CHICKEN) # She flies like a seagull... Still rubbish! # And people... # (ROOSTER CROWS) (WHALE NOISE) So that's the Megaptera novaeangliae. - That's the humpback whale. - BOYS: Moo! No, that's a cow, OK? But this... (MAKES WHALE NOISE) - (BLOWS RASPBERRY) - Thank you. That's the noise he makes as well. So this... (MAKES WHALE NOISE) ..is the Globicephala melaena - that's the pilot whale. (MAKES WHALE NOISE) That's the mighty sperm whale. 'Bye, chaps. Wish me luck. CASSANDRA: Darling, Botticelli's Venus doesn't have any clothes. Can't I be the Mona Lisa instead, then? No, precious. You're a goddess. That's the whole point. I'm not a goddess. I'm a mother with stretch marks. We can fix all that. Trust me. You'll look perfect. But isn't the whole point that I'm not perfect? That I'm a normal mother who still has a life? Angel, the earth mother is dead. People want to see mums portrayed as bold and sexy. I don't want to take my clothes off. I'm a singer, not a centrefold. Ralph! Ah... Elspeth, I think you look... hot. But not like a... not a dirty hot. Like a` a` a classy hot. And... you know, and twice as rich. Your hair's covering your boo... hip... your bips. Your... your bits. Do you think we could use a model's body and just stick her head on it? You're missing the point! I don't feel right about being plastered over the arse end of a bus with whoever's body I happen to be wearing stark bloody naked! (CRUNCHING) (DOOR CREAKS) RALPH: Hello? (KNOCKING ON CUBICLE) Cassandra? Cassandra? Do you want people to hear your songs? Yes, of course. Then you need exposure. - Yeah, but I didn't think... - Everything costs. Everything has a price. You want some of this, you give up some of that. I'm sorry, I just don't think I should give up... Oh, come on, Elspeth - both you and I know you would do backflips naked across Sydney Harbour Bridge to get where you want to go. And that's OK. But be that person. Don't pretend to be this dreary little house mouse clutching onto her modesty. It's dishonest. I don't want to be naked. That's not dishonest. What is dishonest is wasting time in here so you can feel better about making the compromise you know you have to make out there. What is dishonest is keeping an entire studio full of professionals waiting while you pretend you're not an extremely ambitious young woman who knows exactly what she must do to get where she wants to go. That is dishonest. Breathe. Take a deep breath. Take a break. Take a moment for yourself. And then it's back out there to do the job you're being paid to do. OK? (ELSPETH SINGS) # A foolish little princess wanted all # See her pride See her fall # Somewhere in the fountain # A magic fish swims and sings # Be careful what you wish... (APPLAUSE) # Danger in the air now What, what, what you want? # Is this what you really want? Your fairytale unfolds, wow # What, what, what you want? # Is this what you really want? # Princes may be really frogs # Look out for three-headed dogs # Sleeping there in hollow logs # Be careful what you wish - # Careful, don't play the fool - # Ah # You may be forced to duel # Did you set out to rule? - # Ah # When you get it # Ah hah hah hah # Is this what you came here for? - # Ah - # Beware of the golden doors # You get what you're asking for # When you get it # Ah hah hah hah hah hah # Did you want the crown now? # What, what, what you want? # Is this what you really want? # You're in lost-and-found now # What, what, what you want # Is this what you really want? # Build a castle made of sand # There's something loose out in the land # May not be what you have planned # Be careful what you wish - # Careful, don't play the fool - # Ah # You may be forced to duel # And did you set out to rule? # When you get it # Ah hah hah hah # Was this what you came here for? # Beware of the golden door # You get what you're asking for # When you get it # Ah hah hah hah hah hah. (KNOCK AT DOOR) - They uploaded your webcasts! - Oh, great! - Which made the server collapse. - Oh, no. No, no, no, that's great! The server collapsed because every man and his dog is logging on to watch you. So, drum roll, please. Cassandra pitched an idea to the client. I have suggested that instead of wasting Elspeth Dickens on the Asia-Pacific campaign, they use her to spearhead the... BOTH: ..international launch! Rich! Rich! You'll be rich, I tell ya! They've asked for a day or two to consult the powers that be, but what this means in the short term is that I need you here, ready to jump when they say jump. Oh, that's great, but I'm on the six o'clock flight. - Uh, no, cancelled it. - But the kids, James! They're expecting me home. Don't get me wrong. This is wonderful. But I have to have a conversation with my husband... Ralph, go to the lobby and fetch me a sparkling mineral water. Yep. There's one in the minibar. - Ralph? - Mmm? (CLEARS THROAT) Oh! Exiting stage left. I was tough on you the other day, I know. But I only said what I said because the big time is barrelling towards you like a freight train. It will only come once. There will only be one opportunity to get on board. And if you don't take your seat now, then some other lucky girl will. And your chance will pass. Forever. If you're going to make this work, then you need to let... - What's his name, your husband? - James. Then you need to let James carry more of the load. We have a deal. We agreed I'd be the main carer until the kids were... Deal, schmeal. Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime. You need to renegotiate your deal. - I guess I'll get Mary back. - ELSPETH: Why can't you do it? I can for a bit, but I've got to go back to work on Wednesday, and if you can't say how long you're gonna be... James, I want to renegotiate our deal. Yeah, whose big idea was that in the first place? Mine. I'm not blaming you. I'm just asking you to review it. You threw the deal out the window the moment you took off for Sydney. Don't be pretending to ask my permission. You don't seriously expect me to tell these people to go away until the twins went to school because that's when it's my husband's turn to look after them, so that's when I could work? I expected you to do exactly what you wanted to do, and that's what you've done - shock, horror. What's the matter with you? Don't you want this for me? For us? Don't you want this money? Three cheers for Elspeth, bringing home the big bucks. You're all snippy because you're tired, 'cause you're looking after twin terrors 24/7. Try doing it for two and a half bloody years. Try shoving your head up your bum! Interesting how calm and rational you can be when I'm the one stuck at home. But as soon as the shoe is on the other foot... - Hey, Elspeth. - What? This! (HANGS UP) (BOY CRIES) (GROWLS) Hey, goddess lady! Whoa! It's me. Hey, I've been watching your stuff on YouTube. You're... You're awesome. No, I'm not. I'm rubbish. Oh. It's like that, is it? I'm a sell-out. I don't do anything properly. I'm a crap wife, a crap mother and a terrible person. - (SQUEALS) - Ah! (BOTH LAUGH) Goodnight. (MAN WHISTLES TUNE) (SINGS) # The goddess comes in all shapes and sizes # She is full of surprises Here comes the goddess # Sometimes she wears inappropriate clothing # Sometimes she's wearing a nose ring # Maybe wearing her make-up # Maybe not # She comes when you least expect her # But nobody can reject her # Here comes the goddess # So if you're spiritually incomplete # If you're out there searching the street # Look closely at the women you meet # The goddess She will surely affect you # Then she'll come disinfect you # Maybe wearing dark glasses # She's got two big asses # Struts her stuff for you # Eats enough for two # A dangerous dancer # She might be the answer # She comes when you least expect her # And nobody can reject her # Here comes the goddess # So if you're spiritually incomplete # If you're out there searching the street # Look closely at the women you meet # Here comes the goddess # Sometimes she doesn't wash her hair # Sometimes she's hairy like a bear # Sometimes she wears a wedding ring # So look around # Here comes the goddess # The goddess Perhaps her nose is red # She might be the stranger in your bed # Perhaps she will knock you on your head # So look around # Here comes the goddess # Oh, here she comes # A dangerous dancer # She might be the answer # Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo # Here comes the goddess. # (ELSPETH LAUGHS) Still rubbish. (MAN LAUGHS) MAN: So. Same time, same place? Can I come up? - Rory! - What? Just to make sure the fella in the funny outfit doesn't mug ya. Goodbye. Thank you. Stop it. Stop it. I mean it. No. You are Elspeth Dickens, mother, and you are playing dangerous games. Who's she talking to? You are Elspeth Dickens, wife, and your husband's name is James, James... - Is she writing a song? - I don't think so. ELSPETH: James, James, James. - (WHISTLES) - (GASPS) Oh... There you are. Oh. Oh, my God. That's him. That's the husband. That's her kitchen. She's switched us over. (HUMS) (GASPS) (FARTS) (COWS MOO) Come on! You worked the last time. - Come on. - Have you tried pulling it? - What? - Um, the knob. Sorry? WOMAN: Sorry. Ah. I'm Cherry. From the agency. I'm the babysitter. Oh, Cherry. What happened to Mary? She's with another family, I think. Oh, well. You're here. That's great. I'm James. - Hi, James. - Come and meet the, uh... - The children? - The children. MAN ON TV: A massive ground assault is underway. (GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS) Oh, jeepers. What's wrong? Did they do a poo? BOTH: No poo. Hello, little ones. If you don't do a poo, you're gonna explode. - (EXPLOSION ON TV) - BOYS: Boom! Uh, hey. Who wants to make playdough? Do you want to make playdough? Let's do that. Yeah. - A little Elmo. - A little Elmo. Little arms. Can I get you anything before you go? - No, I'm fine. Thank you. - Alright. Hey... Boys, we're gonna make a cake, aren't we? BOYS: Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! This playdough's hard work. Oh, you go whenever you need to. - I don't have to go just yet. - Oh. - OK. - OK. Yep. BOY: Mummy! We've got no right to be doing this. They don't even know there's a camera there. Which makes it reality TV at its finest. - Mummy! Mummy! - Not now, Napoleon! - (SNIP!) - (CAT YOWLS) Should we ask Daddy to be our guinea pig? CHERRY: Yeah? Alright. Open wide. - Oh, no. Oops. - BOY: That's really yummy. CHERRY: Mmm! Oh, that... That is good. - BOY: Good work. - Mmm! - Oh, look! What's that? - Cake! - You're not Mary. - I want cake! But first, Daddy's gonna ice it. I can't. I'll bugger it up. - He'll just get in the way. - Oh, here. - Oh, Elspeth doesn't like this. - What? - What? - Two people in the kitchen. - She says I get in the way. - We like having you here. - CHERRY: Don't we? - BOYS: Yes! I'm having great fun, but... ..I've really got to go shopping. - Here. - Daddy's being silly! - He is! He can't go like that. - Like what? That shirt needs a sponge. It'll take me two secs. - Come on, off with it. - Are you sure? - CHERRY: Mm-hm. - Oh. We can't let Daddy go looking all gooey, can we? "Oh, oh, oh, oh! We can't let Daddy go looking all gooey." "No, we have to sponge him down first." - Nice tatts. - Great back. You should see his bottom. BOTH: We have. This is somebody's husband! It's someone's private life. That's what makes it so good! I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna tell James. He's got a right to know he's being watched. Oh. (KNOCK AT DOOR) CASSANDRA: You should see the stats. You have got the most powerful non- parochial penetration since Julian Assange leaked all over his Wiki. Oh! What's this? A first- class ticket to New York, New York. Sit and I'll upload. ELSPETH: Wow! (SINGS) # Not everyone can have what you want # Fame is a crowded room # Everybody wants the one shot # At the sun spot that's up at the top # I'm the one who can jump to the front of the line # Make the sun shine Do you know who I am? # Ooh # Follow me and you'll hit the spot # I can sell everything you've got # Make you into what you are not # Package and mould you Lick you and fold you # Get your head around this I am offering bliss # Blow me a kiss Do you know who I am? # Do you know who I am? # Do you want to feel the heat # Of people screaming at your feet? # Oh! Hold yourself steady # Ah! # Yeah, you're already mine # It's time # Sign here # Go get your high heels I own the big deals # And if you squander this, your life is done # It comes but once, now # Don't be a dumb cow # This is your final chance now, sugar plum... # Tomorrow, we fly to New York, just for a few days, to bang out the deal. You schmooze and charm while I screw them for every cent they've got. Then it's back here to pack and off we go. # Break the glass Make a pass # Shake that ass while you still can # Do you want to feel the heat # Of people screaming at your feet? # Oh! Hold yourself steady # Ah! # Yeah, you're already mine # It's time # Sign here # Da-da-da-da-da # On the dotted line # Da-da-da-da # You're not that special, baby # Da-da-da-da # Da, feel the heat, da-da # Da-da-da-da-da-da # Da-da-da-da... # Ralph! Bring the contract. Now, as you can imagine, I have got a million things to do before we go, so I will see you tomorrow morning... (KISSES) ..in the limousine. - Scary. - I heard that! Oh! It seems just a blink ago I was sentenced to kitchen duties for the term of my natural life, and then... ..you spotted me. And now I'm off for... How long is this tour thing? Oh... Uh, best guesstimate? Let's see. Uh... - Three months-ish. - Three?! Well, I'll have to get a full-time nanny. Yay! A full-time nanny! You can get a whole fleet of nannies! - Whoo! - Hooray! And then I can just take them from hotel to hotel with me. Sure. Or you could just... leave them at home. Sure. But maybe not for three months. People work and travel with kids and partners. Look at movie stars. They do it all the time. Yeah. Anyway, I get it. This is my big chance. I'd be a fool not to. Yeah, so, I need you to sign... ..there, sign there, initial there and sign there. - Right. - Mmm! (BOTH LAUGH) (CLEARS THROAT) With the money you make from this, you could pay for your kids' entire education. - Oh... - Mm-hm. Ralph, I've got to sit with this. Read it like a proper grown-up. Can I bring it to the airport tomorrow morning? Not if you want to see me alive again. Oh... No, why don't I swing by tonight and pick it up from the hotel? Oh, Ralph! You're such a champ. Thank you. Thank you for everything. That's OK. (BOY CRIES) Oh, what happened, pal? Did you hurt yourself? - You OK? - Fred fell down. - It's OK. Dada's got you. - Mama song. Mama song? (SINGS) # For you light up the darkness # You glow Don't give up # Don't give in Don't let go. # - FRED: Mama song. - OK, Mama song. OK. (SINGS) # If you didn't do what you wanted to # If you only did what everybody told you # Who would you be? # You will always try You will always fly # You will always look a tiger in the eye # Take it from me # I see in your eyes # There's a movie of dreams # See there is more to you # Than it first seems # See you are brighter than all the moonbeams # You know (BOTH SING) # For you light up the darkness # You glow # Don't give up Don't give in # Don't let go. # Yeah. # (CRIES) (KNOCK ON DOOR) - What's up, buttercup? - Sorry. I was just watching my family. Oh. You're gonna be fine. James is doing a great job. Yeah. He... How do you know? I've been watching too. Everybody can see it. It is on your website. Huh? You... You... (TYPES) You just switch from the Sydney webcam to the Hobart webcam. You know that. - Bollocks. - How could you not know that? - Can you show me how you... - What are you so panicked about? I haven't even told him about the webcam. I mean, about me doing the webcam thing, let alone the fact that he and the kids are now... Oh, how could I? How could you? I... I thought you knew. I'm sorry. I'm such an idiot! If I'd just... Who's done all this artwork? They... We... We thought you'd be pleased. Alright. Well, I think it's ready. Oh, there you are. - Can you please go? - I need the contract. JAMES: I'm starved. Thank you. Um... You've just...missed one. Just there. Thanks. Pick you up from the lobby in the morning, then. (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) Oh... - You're very tense. - Yeah. CHERRY: You worry about things, don't you? JAMES: Oh. Oh... - Is that OK? - Yeah. Yeah, right there. (JAMES MOANS) (JAMES CONTINUES MOANING) (GROWLS) JAMES: Oh, God, yes. Oh... Where's Fizz? JAMES: Oh. Right there. Oh... - I'm gonna get going. - Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah. - Um... Oh. Pantry. Um, are you feeling better? Yeah. Good. Alright. Well, I'll see you... Oh! I'm sorry. I'll see you later. Oh. Bag. Cherry, you've been great. Thanks very much. Oh. No worries. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Sorry. 'Bye! See you later. - (PHONE RINGS) - (DOOR CLOSES) - Hello? - James! I've got something really big to tell you and you're not gonna like it. Oh, God. What? See the plant on the shelf in the middle of the window? - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Hang on one second. - It's the babysitter. Coming! - James. ELSPETH: James! There's a webcam hidden in your kitchen and everybody's watching you on the internet. What?! There's a webcam in your kitchen. I have to go. They're coming. James! James! James! James! Bugger! I'm so sorry, Cassandra. - I can't come. I'm not coming. - This is just nerves... I don't want to be the next big thing. Stop. Let's just get in the car... All this time, I have been blaming James and the kids for making me a nobody. But it's them that have turned me into somebody. No-one is asking you to leave your family behind. Don't you see? That's exactly what will happen. Three months this time. - Longer next time, until... - Get her bags. No, Cassandra. I'm not coming. You signed a legally binding contract. RALPH: Actually, she didn't. I went to pick up the contract last night and she hadn't signed it. She...said that she was gonna bring it this morning, but she's obviously... ripped it up...or something. That's right. There is no contract. Idiot. Women like me spend years doing the hard yards, creating opportunities for girls like you. And what do you do? You nancy about with all of this vague, feel-goody, New Agey crap and piss it all away! Well, if it means ditching my husband so that I can break through the glass ceiling, yeah. I choose to piss it all away. (MOANS SOFTLY) Don't you presume to know anything about me. I didn't ditch my husband. He left me because I couldn't have children. And guess why I don't tell that story to anyone. I didn't... Because that story makes me a sad, lonely loser. So forgive me if I spin the story in a way that seems superficial to you, Elspeth, but that is not how I see myself. That is not who I am. I am Cassandra Wolfe. I run the most successful agency in the Asia-Pacific. And I am fabulous! You are fabulous, Cassandra. Goodbye. (MOUTHS) Thank you. Come on. - I have an idea. - Don't speak just now. Hello! Mummy's home! Where's my bubbies? (EXCITED LAUGHTER) - Hiya, bubbies! - BOYS: Again, again! - CHERRY: Look! Mummy's here. - BOY: My turn! Again! - More, more! - More, more! - BOY: More, more! - (CHERRY LAUGHS) Hi. BOY: My turn again! He's not wearing any wings. Oh, yeah. I... I just suggested it, and... I hope you don't mind. I just... We just thought we'd save them for special days. - Is that alright? - Of course. Where's their father? - Hi. - Hey. I know you're angry with me. I know why. I had no choice. That's it? That's the apology? I was desperate for some sort of contact. So that makes it OK to expose our kids to every perv and weirdo who decided to log on? No, that was a mistake - I left the webcam on to keep an eye on the nanny, that's all. As soon as I knew everyone was watching, I called you. - Who's the bloke? - What bloke? Oh, come on, Elspeth. Don't do this. - Rory? He's just a friend. - Not Rory, Neil. - Who's Rory? - Neil? Yeah, Neil, who sent you perfume. Neil sent me perfume? Oh, well... He's just a boy, Jimmy. He helped me install the webcam. Why would he send you perfume? Because I smell? I don't know. So who's this Rory? Nobody. I'm sorry everyone got to watch you, but I'm not sorry that I got to watch you, because I fell in love with you. I didn't even know I'd fallen out of love with you until I fell in love with you again, but that's what happened, Jimmy. I love you. (FOGHORN BLARES) - (WHISTLE BLOWS) - MAN: James! How do I know you won't fall out of love with me again? I won't. ELSPETH: I won't! (SINGS) # If the polar ice is really melting # If icebergs crack and tear apart # If glaciers tumble to the ocean # Why can't I melt # The ice around your heart? # For as you sail away # Your heart grows ever colder # And even in the warm and changing sea # And falling down # Onto the lonely seabed # Is a heart that once belonged # To me # (JAMES AND ELSPETH SING) # Where are the stars? # Where is the sky? # Where is the chart to guide us by? # Where is the map? # Where is the part # Where I warm your frozen heart? JAMES: # Your parting words are now an echo # Now angry silence says it all... (WHALE SINGS) JAMES: # Don't want to lose you to the distance # Baby, just hold onto me # And we won't fall # And as I sail away # Your heart grows ever colder # Shifting on an ever-changing sea BOTH: # Where are the stars? Where is the sky? # Where is the chart to guide us by? # Where is the map? # Where is the part # Where I warm your frozen heart? # Where is the sky? # Where are the stars to guide me by? # Where is the map? # Where is the part # Where I warm your frozen heart? # If the polar ice is really melting # If icebergs crack and tear apart # If glaciers tumble to the ocean # Why can't I melt # The ice around your heart? # (ANGUISHED WHALE SONG) What is that? What's wrong with it? BOY: Hey, that's mine! That's mine! - Welcome home. - Neil! Hi. Thanks. - Did you get my present... - Excuse me. - Aren't you that girl? - Uh, no. WOMAN: You are. You're Elspeth. I loved your show. We were on the edge of our seats wondering if James was gonna bonk that nanny. WOMAN: Why'd you stop? Um, technical difficulties. So, what are you doing now? Shopping. WOMAN ON P.A.: Neil! Clean-up in aisle five, please. - Neil! Clean- up in aisle five. - Coming! MAN: Look around. As the Favourites come out, it begins. Observing with an eagle eye. Mastering the art of stashing. Oh, brilliant move, Gran! Cadbury Favourites. WOMAN: Apparently, he just packed up and moved out. - With the babysitter? - No, not Cherry. - She's starting her own show. - Oh, I heard that. You know, I heard she knew about the webcam the entire time. No! I don't believe that. - Speak of the devil. - Oh, my God. - Elspeth? - Poor thing. Hi! It's Sophie, from mothers group. Remember? Do you want to have a coffee with us later or something? Um...my ice-cream is melting. (DISTANT WHALE SONG) (WHALE SONG GROWS CLOSER) (WHALE SONG CONTINUES) BOY: Daddy! (WHALE SONG STOPS) I recorded that this morning. It's a humpback. Nobody knows exactly why he's doing it. I think it's 'cause he's lost his mate. I think he's trying to find his way back to her. And nothing's gonna stop him until he finds her again, 'cause she's... ..everything in the world to him. Ah! (LAUGHS) (JAMES CHUCKLES) Daddy, Fred done poo! (BOTH LAUGH) - BOYS: Poo! - Oh, good man! - Well done! - You've done a poo! Thank God! - Fred, thank God. - Good boy. Good stuff. Well done. Oh, I'm proud of you. ELSPETH: He still burns the toast. He's mastered the ancient art of sock sorting. He's really trying. When he's away, he logs on. He sees me. He hears my sink songs. Which, of course, you're all welcome to do. (SINGS) # Welcome to my kitchen sink # This is where I stop and think # Where I'm often on the brink # Of madness... # And if you're in the neighbourhood, drop by and see us in the barn. Details are on the website. See you next week. - # Welcome to my washing-up - # Welcome to my washing-up - # My 40,000th coffee cup - # Her 40,000th coffee cup # A place which knows my every sulk - # And sadness - # And sadness # Here I'm stuck night after night # Here I plot revenge and flight # Here's the scene of wifely compromise # Pine O Cleen and Lemon Gleam # The kitchen sink is where I dream # And where I fantasise. # Meet at five at PartyLand # Ring the changes Bring the band # Come with me, dance with me, hand to hand # Let's all have a party # No fussing and no fighting # And everyone's invited # The loving's double-sided # The circuit's overriding # The cells are all dividing It's getting quite exciting # The babes are all arriving # Watch and learn Touch and yearn # Boy, we're gonna make you burn, burn, burn # Let's all have a party # No fussing and no fighting # And everyone's invited # The loving's double-sided # Join at the hip Slide and dip # Let it all rip Work it out and flip # Join at the hip Slide and dip # Let it all rip Work it out and flip... (RHYTHMIC CLAPPING) # Lady, get what you want Gentleman, what you want # Baby, get what you want Baby, get what you need # Lady, get what you want # Gentleman, what you want Baby, get what you want # Baby, get what you need # Lady, get what you want Gentleman, what you want # Baby, get what you want # Baby, get what you need. (RONAN KEATING SINGS) # I get up, go to work # Put a smile on my face # Don't know if the world's gonna give me an ace # But it's alright if you're with me # I look up to the sky, see the rain up ahead # Didn't bring my umbrella, so I'm bound to get wet # But it's alright if you're with me # It's alright when I know that you're with me # It's alright when I know that you're close # I can't handle the world trying to ruin my mood # 'Cause it ain't gonna work # Back up, take a train all the way outta town # Can't breathe when there's so many people around # But it's alright if you're with me # It's alright when I know that you're with me # It's alright when I know that you're close # I can't handle the world trying to ruin my mood # 'Cause it ain't gonna work # It's alright when I know that you're with me # It's alright when I know that you're close # I can't handle the world trying to ruin my mood # 'Cause it ain't gonna work # It's alright when I know that you're with me # It's alright when I know that you're close # I can't handle the world trying to ruin my mood # 'Cause it ain't gonna work. (RONAN KEATING SINGS) # If you didn't do what you wanted to # If you only did what everybody told you # What would you be? # You will always try You will always fly # You will always look a tiger in the eye # Take it from me # I see in your eyes there's a movie of dreams # See there is more to you than it first seems # See you are brighter than all the moonbeams # You know # For you light up the darkness You glow # Don't give up Don't give in # Don't let go # If you never say what you want to say # If you only do it everybody else's way # Who would you be? # If you never shout If you never doubt # If you never rock the boat until we all fall out # Do it for me # For when you are quiet, it troubles my mind # Though life is sometimes bitter as a lemon rind # You'll have a voice # That is one of a kind # You know # Oh, you light up the darkness You glow # Don't give up Don't give in # Don't let go. # Able 2017