IMS Subtitles. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Captioning 2006. Well, all right! Look at all that beautiful white stuff coming down. Christmas is right around the corner, and Hanukkah starts tonight. Ain't a better time of year. No school, you can eat like a pig, and people give you stuff. It makes you feel tingly all over. (LAUGHS) But you know what? There are some buffoons who can't stand the holiday season. And seeing others enjoy the festivities gets them even more disgusted. As a matter of fact, the head honcho of holiday humbug lives right here in Dukesberry. His name's Davey Stone. That fool is sitting in the China Dragon coming up with his own way of feeling tingly. Hmm? Four scorpion bowl in five minute? That's gotta be a restaurant record. Well, I'm going to go for another restaurant record ` longest burp. (BURPS) (CONTINUES BURPING) Agh! Congratulations. Now, please excuse me while I go take shower. 'At one time, Davey was a super student, super athlete, super sweet, super kid and the apple of his parents eye.' Agh! 'Now, he's just a 33-year-old crazy Jewish guy who lives for making this town as miserable as he is, especially during Hanukkah.' 'How did he end up this way? Let's save that for later.' 'Davey's about to get into serious trouble.' Hope you're not planning on driving tonight. (SLURS) Oh, no officer. I'm going to say good night to my car then walk home and enjoy the holiday decorations. Listen, sweetheart. I have to leave you here alone tonight but, don't you worry, I'll be back first thing in the morning. Now, behave yourself and don't stay up too late. (CHUCKLES) Nighty-night. "(CAR ALARM BLEEPS)" Alright, baby, but let's make this quick. Oh, mama! Like it when I hold you like this? Cos I'll do it all night long. So sweet! Yes, so precious. Ooh-hoo! I love you car! 'He dine and dash me!' He chew and screw me! He sip and skip me! What? He no pay for his four scorpion bowl! Oh, boy. (SIREN WAILS) Get him! Whee! Hee-hee! Come back here, you jerk! Whee! Somebody stop that guy! # I'm a kinda guy who can't stand a holiday # So I drink 'em all away, that's me # I don't decorate no trees # And I won't eat no potato latkes # But I'll give this old lady's melons a squeeze... Hey! # ..That's just who I am... Whoo-hoo! (SIRENS WAIL) # Well, I'll never spin a dreidel # But Ill always throw an egg... Ooh! # And I'll charley horse your leg for laughs # While you're singing your holiday tunes # I'm acting like the town buffoon... Agh! Hey! # ..Whippin' out my big, white, scary moon... Agh! # ..And blowin' a beef your way # I hate folks who think reindeer are cute # To me they're just something to shoot # I hate love # I hate you # I hate me # Well, I'm a-snowmobile stealing # No 'tis-the-season-feelin' # Kind of guy # Kind of guy # This time of year sucks # So I take my numbchucks # And make sure every snowman... # ..dies # Believing in Santa's all wrong... Ho! (BABY CRIES) # ..And Hanukkah's eight nights too long # I hate love # I hate you, I hate me... Coming through. # ..I hate love # I hate you, I hate me. # Davey Stone, you're nothing but a delinquent! 'Stone, what the heck are we going to do with you?' I've sent you to reform school, the drunk tank, the psychiatric ward. None of those places has made you change an ounce for the better. You used to be good, playing ball for the Jewish community centre. The best jump shot I've ever seen. Your Honour, I still got a pretty good jump shot. I'd hit a three-pointer, except I'd have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo. Stone, you leave me no choice. I'm gonna have to crack down hard this time. Your Honour, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject. What was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet or am I going crazy? (ALL LAUGH) No, Mr Chang, it's me, Whitey Duvall. And a happy first night of Hanukkah to you. I'm not Jewish. Neither am I, but that don't stop me from enjoying a holiday. (GIGGLES) Whitey, we went over this two months ago. It's your last year refereeing youth-league basketball. You're 70. Our insurance company won't cover you any more. (GIGGLES) No, no, no. My interjection pertains to the case currently under adjudication. I knew this young man years ago when his moral fibre was intact. Whitey, what are you getting at? Sentence him to be a ref-in-training for the youth league basketball? I've seen some pretty rowdy kids turn into perfect gentlemen after spending time on my court. With Stone, it would be a miracle. Those kinda things have been known to happen at this time of year. Whitey, if you want to work with this punk, then God bless you. But Mr Stone, what Whitey says goes. If I hear that you break one law, I'll send you to the penitentiary for no less than 10 years. Huh? Happy holidays. (BANGS GAVEL) Oh, God! 'The short man who's kind and the donkey's behind!' 'Good luck, Whitey. You're gonna need it.' (CHUCKLES). OK, let's give the little guy some support. Ugh! Did I just see two Persian cats on your ass? I think I'm gonna... (BURPS) ..barf. Your horn works, try the lights. (GIGGLES) Ok. One,... two. Good to see you've still got those circus feet. Men's 11, right foot. Children's 9, left foot. At your service. Yuck. Now, I assume you've done your pre-game stretching. No, let me do it right now - One,... two,... three,... ..four,... five,... six. OK, that's good, but don't forget your hammies. 'Whitey didn't understand getting flipped off.' 'He's so behind he thinks Viagra's a waterfall.' 'But there is one thing he does know.' 'The voting's begun for the highest honour anyone could receive.' I think it's gonna be your year, Whitey, I really do. Whoa! Don't even think of coming on this floor with those hard soles. Fine, I'll just ref in my socks. (SMASH!) (BUZZER BLARES) Must be game time! Don't let him push your buttons, Whitey. (BLOWS WHISTLE) (KIDS YELL) Ooh! Agh! Agh! (GASPS) (GASPS / SPLUTTERS) What are you waiting for? Dribble! Hurry up! (CROWD GASP) What, no whistle on that one, ref? OK. Foul on this kid for eating everything in sight. Huh? Jelly-jugs, next time you come on my court, you better wear a bra! (SOBS) He was just kidding, son. You've got very nice boobs. (WAILS) Jerk! Idiot! You don't like that? How about you throw something at me. I dare you. With pleasure! They're scratching up my floor. Here comes a seizure. (WAILS) This will pass in a second, kids. Don't be scared. Is he break-dancing? (GROANS) OK, that's it. Game over. Nobody wants to see an old man die. Fatty's team loses because I want to see him cry again. (CRIES) (MOANS) I want to talk to you in my office. Why the hell are we at the mall? You need to clean your brain out. To me, the mall is the best place to do that. So, what's good about this place? What's good about it? Everything! You want a pair of socks? My buddy, Mr Foot Locker, will warm your feet. You need a fancy doodad? Hello, Sharper Image. Thanks for the combination pogo stick-radio. I mean, The Body Shop, the Tie Rack. GNC, Radio Shack. Petland for a cat or two. Spencers Gifts for fake dog doo. Sbarros, Dunkin' Donuts, they're the best. Don't forget the chicken at Panda Express. But if you're short of cash like me, the window shopping's always free. Is that something you prepared or did you rhyme like that by accident? Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it? Maybe you are a leprechaun. Let's just get some snacks and chat. OK? Huh? Aren't you a boy? (WAILS) Now, I'd like to make this work out. But you're going to have to learn that youth league basketball ain't about you and your lack of respect. It's about the kids, teaching them responsibility and teamwork. I've been doing my part for 35 years. Are you ready to join me, big guy? Jokes on you, tough guy. I can't read. Special delivery for Whitey Duvall, sugar-free doughnuts. Every day she does this for me! Jennifer, you're too much. My fraternal twin sister is a diabetic and out of respect for her and her disease, I don't eat sugar products. There's a surprise in there. Don't tell me it's Bavarian cream-filled. It is Bavarian cream-filled! Hubba-bubba! These babies make my taste buds... Ugh! ..do double daffies, for gosh sakes! What are you doing hiding? It's OK, sweetheart. Come talk to Whitey. Hi, Whitey. I got another Hannukah present. Wow, Benjamin, an Etch-A-Sketch. Not too shabby. That's a Gameboy, you idiot. Sorry, I'm not up on modern technology but I guess my friend Davey is. Tell him what else you got. I got a basketball and some dreidels. I got a tent so I can camp in the back yard and tonight I got this. Wow! Maybe on night four the Hanukkah monster will take a crap on your bed. Thanks for sharing the holiday spirit, psycho! Bye, Whitey. See you at the game tomorrow. Your girlfriend's back yard isn't sugar-free. That baby looks sweet! Technical foul! Technical foul! That's a lady and you will not speak about her in that way! Easy. She's going through a tough time now. Last spring her husband of thirteen years ups and leaves her for a girl he met on the computer. She had the courage to move back to town a month ago to raise her boy on her own. So, she's available? Oh, you wish! You blew your shot with her 20 years ago. Twenty years? Was that Jennifer Friedman? I'm surprised you have enough brain cells left to remember. Hey, Jennifer, are you still coming over to watch Dukes of Hazzard? That's a big 10-4, Davey. Hey, Davey. Smile! Your mom wants to take a picture. Thanks, honey. If my parents fall asleep early, I'll show you my basement. Keep dreaming! Ah, they make a nice couple. Boogie-oogie-oogie. I don't know when you were goofier, then or now. Good evening, Mayor. Out for some late-night shopping? Yeah. Then I have to rebuild our giant menorah and Santa. Thanks for ruining the ice pageant. I didn't do it for you, I did it for the ladies. Yeah, right. Has there been any talk about who the lucky patch recipient might be? That's up to who the town votes for. Could be you or me or anybody. Alright, I'm going to get going now. (GIGGLES) Happy holidays, your excellence. Mayor, the answer to your question is Spencer's Gifts. They definitely have furry underwear. You're gross! (GROANS) Is it just me or did you notice when he said, "It could be you", there was a certain sincerity in his voice? You give a crap about winning a patch? It's only the most prestigious award given out at the all-star banquet. Can you imagine! # Uh-won't uh-you uh-dance with me # at the annual all-star uh-banquet? # Uh-we'll uh-be so fancy free # at the annual all-star uh-banquet. # Everyone in town will be looking their best ` # even Mrs Selman with the one extra breast. # It's the kind of a night when your feet match, # when you feel nearly 5'3"! # They'll laugh and they'll dance, and they'll pee in their pants, # cos there's a patch at the all-star banquet waiting for me. # Can you take me home now? Yes. 1 Well, that was nice of Davey, to snap Whitey out of his little dream (!) All that song was saying was the patch means the world to Whitey. I mean, he'd rather be remembered for his hard work, than the fact that he had the hairiest buns in the locker room. How's that peanut brittle? Crunchy and delicious. Funny, I don't remember Denise or Janice ringing up that purchase. I guess that means I stole it. (CHOKES / SCREAMS) Easy, seizure boy! That's it. I'm calling the judge. I'll be on the first bus out of here. I ain't spending ten years in prison. I'll take you in myself. Don't think you can intimidate me just because of my size. Why? You're smaller than me. I didn't notice(!) Put me down! Put me down! And get out of my car right now! Oh, no, you're going to make me walk ten feet. That's where I live, idiot! Oh. Thanks for the ride, patchy. It was great patching with you. And I guess I'll patch you later. I'm letting this one go, Stone. But next screw up, it's slammer time. Hmmph! Got any sand or rock salt in there? I need to get some traction. (MOCKS WHITEY) Got any sand or rock salt in there? (SHOUTS NASTILY) Oh, shut up! (MUTTERS) He could have given me a push or something. "Channel 36 wishes all of its Jewish viewers the very happiest of Hanukkahs." Boooo! Ha-ha! (LAUGHS WILDLY) Hey! (DEER) huh? A little help, fellas? (DEER CHATTER) One,... two,...threeeee! Have a holly, jolly one, guys. 'Doesn't it make you feel good when you see deer helping a motorist?' 'Whitey wishes they showed up earlier.' 'His sister, Eleanore, gets edgy when he's late.' 'Where were you?' You're an hour and 51 minutes late. I already called the morgue. They said you weren't there but to try back later. I had an interesting talk with the mayor tonight. The mayor? Was it about the ruffians who stole my Liz Taylor wig? Eleanore, that was 45 years ago. I'm still shaking from it. Anyway, the mayor seems to think there's a chance I might receive the patch this year. Oh, boy! Let's just soak our feet, brother. First position,... second position. (BOTH) Ahhhhhhhhhh! See you later, smell. Don't get your hopes up too high about the patch. I can handle myself, Eleanore. Trust me. Oh. (PLAYS CHEERFUL TUNE) 'When you have enough lights to make your house look like Vegas, you're gonna have a big electric bill.' 'And being a volunteer referee doesn't exactly get you in the Fortune 500.' 'So Whitey's up early every day, searching the town for odd jobs to help make ends meet for him and Eleanore.' How's that, fellas? It's crooked, shorty. Move it to the right. You got it. Whoops! Agh! Oh! Agh! Agh! Ooh! Agh! Agh! Ooh! Ooh! Agh! Ooh! Ooh! AghhHHH! Well, will you look at that. It's a jackass-in-the-box. (LAUGHS) Let's go get some coffee. Anything else I can do for you guys? If you clean out the crappers, I'll give you a buck. Consider it done. Nice doing business with you. (ALL LAUGH) (HUMS CHEERFULLY) '(SCREAMING / GROANING)' Oh! That's what happens when you hit the bottle, pal. You go to sleep in Dukesberry, you wake up in Pukesberry. Pukesberry! Hey. What are you do...? No! 'Aggggghhhh! Eeeeee!' The worst has happened. I'm covered in human faeces. That's a good look for you. But I should probably spray you off. AghhhhhHHHHH! Smell you later, poopsicle. (LAUGHS) You're a freakin' degenerate! I know I am. (DEER CHATTER) A little help, please. (DEER CHATTER) (GIGGLES) Your tongues tickle! They tickle. 'Eww! You are right. That was gross.' Thumbelina, there's no kids playing today. Why did you tell me to come? I thought you could use a refresher course on b-ball regulations. You're nuts. I'm gonna pound a few. First of all - you booze, you lose. Secondly - if you don't turn around, Officer Sherman is gonna hear of the infamous peanut brittle incident. What's with the dunkin' munchkin? His mom had to do a double shift so I'm watching him. Now, both of you cop a squat next to me and let's observe. Charging! Our ball. See, that wasn't a charge. It was actually blocking. The defender didn't have both feet planted in time. I thought that was high-sticking(!) (GIGGLES) Don't encourage him, Benjamin. He's just upset because he can't play no more. Twenty years of drinking destroyed the basketball lobe of his brain. I could whoop those clowns with you as my partner! I'd like to see that. I'd like to see that now. He was kidding, a whole lot of jibber-jabber. We got no beef with you guys. (GIGGLES) Because if a midget and a drunk can beat us, I'd eat my own jockstrap. Nah, he don't play ball any more. I'll play. But if we win, you eat that guy's jockstrap. Er... Agh! First to five wins. We're shirts. Oh, boy! Does that mean we're skins? I don't see any skin, monkey-man! Just pass me the ball. Alright, fuzzy-wuzzy. Alright, simmer down, Whitey. Don't travel. Don't double dribble. I want a good, clean game and no back talk. Orang-utan, you're not refereeing. He's right. Look for your opening. (GROWLS) There it is! Huh? (PANTS) Now, set yourself and shoot. Oh! Are you finally dead, old man? (SLURS) I'll be over to feed the cats in the morning, Mrs Addison. Ok, he's useless. One more thing. Good kitty. Nice kitty. Muffin boy, what's your real name? Benjamin. You're in. Let's go. You're trading in the midget for a spaz? This is gonna be even sadder. We'll see. Your ball. Oops! I'm not very good. That's alright. Stay confident and if I say shoot it, shoot it. Game on! He may be big, but he's ugly, Benny. Good luck, chump. I'll take that. Hey! Huh? Whoo! Huh! Put it up! Coming through! Oh! That's OK, just keep your elbow in. Now stick it, kid! Yeah! Oh-oh, looks like you better start showing the spaz some respect. Just keep playing. Where am I going, baby? Oh, snap. Oh, snap! Oh! Ho-ho-ho! Trap him! I'm on it! It's you. I hope y'all like your jockstraps extra sweaty. One,... two,... three. You wanna win this or not? Yeah. Well, then, cover the nerd! The saga continues! Not this time, little man! Huh? Hey, look what I still got. Yeah, good coverage(!) AghhHHH! What a shot! I call that the top-of-the-key-eat-the-jockstrap shot. Hold it now. Hold it now. Where's it going now? Ooh-hoo! How's he doing that? Oh, boy! Put it up, Ben. Huh? Oh! Ugh! Got a piece! Bam! Got a piece of my ass! Hmmm. Shut up! One more basket and it's chow time, boys. A-ha. Let's bring it home. < You're my boy! Whoa, little Iverson! Double up on Stone! You got it! Put it up, Benny. What's happening? Oh! No! Oh, Benny! You gotta be kidding me! Yeah! (Now say what I told you to say.) Eat that nut-strap, bi-atch! Benjamin! Don't ever use that kind of language again. Do you hear me? I'm sorry. Aww, he was just having some fun. Cursing and acting like a jerk may be your idea of fun, but it's not his. One Davey Stone is enough! My finger's in your mouth, kitty, but I don't feel no teeth. Let's go, Benjamin. '(COUGHING)' (SPLUTTERS) Why are you eating that? You know, my mother doesn't like you very much. I don't like me very much either. Nice playing with you, mini Shaq. 1 Why the hell was she looking at me like that for? How could they let that guy work with children! Giving me those nasty eyes! I was being nice to her kid. They should've locked him up. But she was looking at me. That felt all right. Why can't he be like he used to be? # It all seems so long ago. # Young and happy, don't you know. # Down by the creek, I would show # fireflies to that girl. # But that was back when he was nice. # Before my warm heart turned to ice. # My sister's wig once had lice. # But that was long ago. # The school yards where we were # the first time I kissed her. # He thought he got some tongue. # But it was only retainer. # Eleanore's bra is a trainer. # Well, over there's my family home. # And the woods we used to roam. # The only time I had sex was on the phone. # But that was long ago. # I carved our names upon that tree. # I loved him, and he loved me. # My darling wife was once a he. # But that was long ago. # He'd always whisper in my ear. # But then I started drinking beer. # My jewels got licked by six frisky deer. (DEER SNIGGER) # Now he's just a loner and a liar. # And my trailer's caught on fire. # Fire?! Oh my God! Be careful! Maybe it's some kind of sign. After all, Hanukkah is the festival of lights. I should stick you on a twig and roast you! Just get back in my car. You'll stay with me and my sister for a while. I ain't living with you buffoons! What other options do you got? (PHONE RINGS) Hello? "Hi, is Ophelia there?" Ophelia, who? "Ophelia Heinie." Oh, feel my heinie? "(LAUGHS)" You hoodlums better bring my wig back! I know it was you! "(LAUGHS)" (DOOR SHUTS) Huh? AghhhHHHH! It's a home-invasion robbery! Take whatever you want but please don't chop my legs off! It's OK, Eleanore, it's OK. Whitey, thank God you're here. We're being robbed by a lunatic. Mister, if you're gonna kill us, take off your wet shoes. They're soaking the carpet. Eleanore, that's Davey Stone, my new partner. Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you? Hmmm? His home just went up in flames so I invited him to stay with us. OK, but I'm making an inventory of every single item in this house. Fascinating(!) Look! He already stole something. It's in his jacket. I didn't steal this. It's a card my parents gave me. So, why don't you go stay with them? They died. My bad. Here's to you guys for letting me crash over. Alcohol in our house? This is never going to work. We just need to set some ground rules so Davey knows how we do things. I'm scared. You gotta understand, it's just been me and Eleanore for 67 years, so she gets nervous around strangers. Show that picture to anyone and they might take you back to the lab. Listen, we got rules in this house. Follow them or you'll find yourself outta here. This might be harder than I thought! # If you come in from the street # With dirty shoes on your feet # That's a technical foul # If you switch the radio # To some modern music show # That's a technical foul # If you don't shut the door # After using the refrigerator # That's a technical foul # A technical foul # If you touch the thermostat # You'll get hit with a bat # Cos that's a technical foul... # You will feel my wrath # If your hair clogs the drain # You'll know the meaning of pain # Cos that's a technical foul... No mercy! # ..This is such bullshit... Hey! In this house we say bullspit. # ..Or it's a technical foul # (BOTH) A technical foul... You expect me to change my entire lifestyle in one night because you are psychotic control freaks? You got it, bub! Or you can go rot in the gutter or something. Let me run a few questions by you so I don't screw up accidentally. # ..If I don't spray Lysol after moving a bowel? # That's a technical foul... OK. # ..If I decide to wash my ass with your monogrammed towel? # That's a technical foul... Please, say heinie! # If I make fun of your crazy feeties # Or give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes # That's not only a technical foul # But possibly a homicide # Can I sleep past three? # If you do, you'll get a T # Take a whiz in those flowers? I'll say, "Hit the showers" # Use this horn as a bong? # Adios, Tommy Chong # Make some long distance calls? # You'll get a kick in the balls... Ooh! # ..Can I walk around with my morning erection? # If you want an automatic ejection # Cos that's a technical foul # But I'd like to see it anyway... Just kidding! # ..There are certain rules which apply in ones life # With your sister, friends or imaginary wife # I can't believe I haven't killed myself # Whether you're Jewish, diabetic or especially short # They took my wig # She's neurotic and he's a troll # I remember the look in their eyes # I'll have to deal with your demands # Why, oh, why # But please don't touch me with your alien hands # I've got no right to growl # The whistle, she's on the prowl # Without my wig, I look like an owl... Hoo hoo! Oh, my God! Don't laugh at her! # ..Or it's a technical foul # Foul # A technical foul # A technical foul # Ahhh! 'Davey will have to make the best of this.' I've got to make the best of this. 'I told you. (CHUCKLES)' 'But it shouldn't be too hard. Even loners need company sometimes.' Shaving the chest. Nobody needs a unibrow. This is going to scare her silly! Yeah, it is. Peanuts for me? (BOING!) Argh! Oh! Argh! Wish we were taller, Eleanore? I can't reach the cobwebs. Whoa! Thank you, Davey. No problem, Eleanore. (BOING!) Oh! (GASPS / SHRIEKS) (DAVEY AND ELEANORE LAUGH) Good one, Eleanore. 1 Here you go. Thanks. Have a good day. Good luck, old man. Now, I can understand wrapping the corn meal around the hot dog, but why would they shove this stick in here? I'm exhausted trying to cut around it. You're supposed to hold the stick and eat the corn dog. Oh, how futuristic! Oh my God. Zip up or you'll catch a throat cold. Thanks. Benny! Nice game! How many buckets you score? Fourteen. You're gonna be league high-scorer. You just got to keep your elbows in. That's my man. Wheeeeee! Hey, you two, just doing circles. Oopsy-doodle! Yeah! I haven't done that in a while. I'm so excited about the banquet tonight it's giving me extra oomph. You'll extra-oomph yourself into a seizure if you don't calm down. He'll be alright. How did you get so good on the ice? In the 50s, I refereed youth hockey for a couple of seasons. Until a shot caught him in the back of the skull. Nothing a metal plate couldn't fix. (CLUNK!) He was in a coma for three months. I needed the rest, anyways. (LAUGHS) Could I get a lift, partner? Er, sure. So, Davey, did you play the hockey when you were a child? They get up too early. This guy's sport always was and always will be basketball. Back in '81 he was the star of what is still known to this very day as the JCC Miracle Game. Oh, my! The JCC was down by 24 points. We stand no chance of winning this game. But it's Hanukkah so you'll all get presents tonight anyway. Our parents come to all our games even though we always lose. So, I was thinking, maybe tonight we could try to win one for them. You know, as a gift. That will only happen if you take all the shots. Well, if you guys don't mind... It's OK with us. Go for it. (ALL) Let's win! Where are your parents, anyways? I don't know. Hopefully out getting me an Atari. Alright, Davey! (ALL) Yeah! Yeah! Come on! Hey! Awww! > We'll take that! Not today! Whoa! (TIMER BUZZES / AUDIENCE CHEERS) Yeah! That kind of shooting makes me want to do the robot dance. # "Mr Roboto" - Styx Yeah! OK, nice story. You can stop now. No, no, go on. Whitey, I mesmerised. Can we go? I want to hear what happens next. It's like a fairy tale. Unfortunately, this fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending. 'Davey wondered where his parents were.' 'They were on their way to the ball game when a truck hit some black ice and swerved into oncoming traffic.' 'Mr and Mrs Stone tragically couldn't get out of the way and died.' 'I couldn't believe something that horrible could happen to a kid that nice.' Davey! 'He walked through that door into foster home after foster home until his 18th birthday.' Oh, my! You poor, poor boy! What did you do? Let's just get off of this. He didn't know how to handle it. What twelve-year-old would? 'He basically shut down.' Hey. Hey. Davey, I-I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. Nothing. My parents are dead. Happy Hanukkah. Leave me alone. That's the saddest story I've ever heard. (CRIES) I don't need this sympathy crap. It's time you stopped running from your emotions. I'm not. I'm running from two crybabies. It isn't any of your business! You know, I read recently in Reader's Digest that people who let themselves cry when they're hurting are often stronger than the people who try to hold all their pain inside. Did you read about a deformed referee who spent 35 years trying to win some stupid patch, so he can pretend people actually like him? Which month was that in? Take that back. Listen, if they have an award for the freakiest-looking twins, who no-one gives a crap about, you two are definitely winning. That patch thing ain't gonna happen because the truth is nobody in this town knows you exist! You're an animal! And you're bald! Not again! You're not welcome in my house. Your house SUCKS! Do you have to be nasty to everyone who tries to help you? That's my problem! He just a no-goodnick, and I am the real Kristi Yamaguchi. Wow. Just when you started to really like Davey, he goes and has a butthole relapse. 1 (DEER CHATTER) Hey, fellas. You know, Eleanore really does look like an owl. (LAUGHS) Sorry. Cheer up, Eleanore. Let's get ready. It doesn't hurt to smell nice. (GIGGLES) You're a good deer. (DEER CHATTER) Let's try the red wig. Please, don't crap on my carpet. 'While Whitey and Eleanore are getting ready, the moron is having a party of his own.' 'When people get in the state that Davey's in they do stupid things, like go to a mall that's obviously closed to yell at a woman that's obviously not there.' (ALARM WAILS) Shut up! Jennifer! JENNIFER! What's the matter with the way I live my life, Jennifer? Where are you? Home, reading your baby boy a bedtime story while he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket! OH, HORSESHIT! 'Look who finally showed up.' 'We've been waiting for you all night.' Who said that? I said that. Everybody wake up! This is not a rehearsal. Numbnuts is here. Wee! "Roger on that. Over." Let's do this, people. Just let me put my teeth in. How do you like your Java? With a shot of whiskey. Let's try it black instead. Agh, that burns! Wake up, kids. Our hot and sour friend is here. We're coming! Wee! Ooh! It's about time you got here. I've been lying in my bed, tossing and turning. I know. I was watching. I mean, er, me, too! (GIGGLES) What's happening? Something that should have happened 20 years ago. "Time to cry, Davey. Over." What? Get out of here. I'm leaving. You can run from Whitey but not from us. # We all heard what happened at the skating rink today # When Whitey brought up your sad past # You snapped and walked away # Well, maybe they're onto something # That you should give a try # Go ahead and let out # And have yourself a cry # Let it out, Davey # Ah, shut your wooden mugs # Let it out, Davey... Would you check out her bazookas? # You all want me to deal with pain # Well, cheers is what I say # This here stuff just numbs the pain # It don't make it go away # You try to act so tough # But you just live a lie! # Why don't you show your feminine side # And have yourself a cry? Woo! # Let it out, Davey # I'll pour you down the sink # You gotta do it, Davey # Y'all can bite my dink # You labels and logos are wasting your time # Making me sit here # Cos nothing you can say or do # Will make me shed a tear # He possesses a strong spirit # And won't let down his guard # So, now, we'll bring in the big gun # His beautiful Hanukkah card "It might have money in it. Over." # Happy Hanukkah # To our wonderful son # You fill our lives # With joy # (TOGETHER) Don't ever change # The way you are # You beautiful # 12-year-old # Boy # Breaking and entering. I knew you'd screw up eventually, Stone. I'm sorry. Save your sorries for the judge. Oh, this is embarrassing. Come on. OK. Don't be sad, Mom. I can be your date. You should let me be date. I may be dirty and smelly, but in the dark, I'm just smelly. Well, thank you, but he asked first. 'Oh, my God! Slow down! Come on, I'm scared. Hey!' 'Why are we stopped? What are you doing? What's going on?' 'Do we need to call the police?' Don't worry, Eleanore. You'll have a good time. Alright, brother. Let's go win this thing. You look like Audrey Hepburn if she was four feet and weighed 300 pounds. Thank you. Watch the ice, Eleanore. Don't slip. It's all good, Whitey. Eleanore Duvall, is that you? Why do you want to know? What can we do you for? I've been waiting to see your sister for years. Are you the kid who stole my wig? Yes, I'm Eli Wolstan. I've always felt bad about being so thoughtless. So I wanted to return this to you. Thank you. Kee-ya! Feel better? One more thing. Now I feel better. At least this one make me look pretty. "Attention all officers. Davey Stone is on the loose." "Last bus to New York now boarding." Whitey, they were giving out lobster bibs in the bathroom. That's not a lobster bib, Eleanore. That's a germ protector for your tushy. Oh, OK, well, I'll use it here. My heinie is germ-free and I love it. (CHILDREN SNIGGER) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the 35th annual youth league basketball all-star banquet. For those of you celebrating Christmas tomorrow, merry Christmas. (AUDIENCE) Merry Christmas! For those celebrating Hanukkah, I'd like to say, happy Hanukkah. Happy Hanukkah! Going to the Big Apple, son? Yeah. Business or pleasure? Er, freedom. Oh, you're one of them hippie-dippy fellas. Now, I like to start these events with a joke. However, I've been so darn busy, I've had no time to think of one. But I did think of this on the drive over. Knock, knock. (ALL) Who's there? Don't ya. (ALL) Don't ya, who? Don't ya wish I hadn't been so busy and had time to come up with a great one? (ALL LAUGH) Huh-huh-huh-huh! Huh-huh-huh-huh! (CHILDREN LAUGH) (CHUCKLES) (DEER LAUGH / FART) (MEN LAUGH) I didn't get that one. I don't think anybody did. People are just nice to the mayor. It's gonna be a good night. Let's get to it. The award for the most impressive growth spurt goes to a young man who started the season at 4 foot 2. His current height is 6 foot 5. Donald Hardy! Get up you beanpole! (ALL CHEER) (ALL GASP) Saint Ignatius is number one! He's getting a weed whacker for Christmas. The mayor's very funny. (LAUGHS) 1 Look at Davey, inches away from a clean getaway. But there's some things you aren't meant to get away from. (BUS CHUGS) What the...? Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Hang in there, Betsy! We'll make it! Whoa! Nice driving skills, pal. That's the strangest thing I've ever seen. One thumbtack popped all eight of my back tyres. OK. I see what you're doing. Who you talking to? Having one of them mushroom flashbacks? I need to go apologise to someone. I should have it all fixed in 30 minutes. I'll see you then! Run, hippie, run! (DEER CHATTER) I'm here to say sorry to the little guy. If I give myself a wedgie, will you believe me? (DEER CONFER) OK. (DEER CHATTER) Glad we could work that out. I can't believe I'm in the same room as the mayor. I can't believe how many rolls you put in your purse. It'll be a nice snack for February. (CHILDREN SNIGGER) This next award, the Dukesberry All-Star Patch, was created to recognise individuals for their tireless work ethic, their generosity and their passion and dedication to the league and our community. Your hands are sopping wet. Don't be so nervous, Whitey. I'm not nervous. I'm excited. I've been waiting 35 years for this night. (DEER CONFER) See something? Just some deer doing a pyramid. OK, well, let's keep looking. (DEER CHATTER) Good job, fellas. Hand-picked by you, the people of our fine town, I now present the 35th annual... ..Dukesberry All-Star Patch Award... ..to... Please let there be a miracle. ..Tom Baltezor! Tom, come and get this sucker! (APPLAUSE / CHEERING) Attaboy! > < We love you, Tommy! (THUD!) (THUD!) < Come here! 'Nobody in this town even knows you exist!' All you people can bite my germ-free booty! Huh? I'd better do a lot more than just apologise. See you in ten years. When I was a kid playing for Palmer Episcopal, I dreamed of two things - learning to make a lay-up with my left hand and becoming a multi-billionaire. You all know which dream came true. WOW! Sorry! That one caught me by surprise. I don't remember scoring a point during my four seasons of play... (AUDIENCE CHUCKLE) ..but the fun memories I did have made it very easy for me to purchase the new digital scoreboard for the community centre earlier this year. Thanks for the recognition. Thanks for the scoreboard! Thanks, Tommy! Excuse me! Can I just say something? There he is! What are you doing? Getting arrested. He broke into the mall. I LOVE IT! Your ass busted! Now you go to jail and marry smelly man. You screwed up for the last time. That ten-year sentence I promised you starts tonight. (ALL) Yeah! Please, just let me speak for one second! Are those tears in his eyes? Finally. Let the guy talk! After all, it is the holidays. She's right. Then we'll send him up the river! (ALL) Yeah! Yee-ha! OK, Mrs Triple-Nipple, I mean, Mrs Selman. Stone, let's hear your parting words of wisdom. I know you people care about my opinion but here it goes. Tommy, nothing personal, but Whitey should have won the patch tonight. You are crazy for not realising that. Why would we give Whitey the patch, so he could use it as a blanket? (ALL LAUGH) Ow! Ow! Ow! (LAUGHS) That's the reaction I thought I'd get. # Everyone in this room # Has been associated with Whitey # Either through basketball or the mall # Or various odd jobs he does around town for free # Or at most a dollar # And I'm guessing 99 percent of you # Have either laughed in Whitey's face # Or ruthlessly made fun of his feet # Or voice or sister or shortness # When he wasn't looking # But the next time you'd see him # He'd still go out of his way to smile and wave at you # And ask about your mother's operation or something like that # Because he, unlike us, actually cares about # Someone other than himself # The reason I bring this up to you # Is because I... # ..was the worst offender of all # My life was simply going nowhere # Then a tiny little man rushed to my side # He should've gotten a big thank you # Instead he got a porta-potty ride # I was such a shithead # But he never quit on me # Till I told him he was useless... No! # And his sister was freaky # Once when we were watching Sunday football # A fuzzy screen was all that we could see # Whitey came over with a hanger # And spent the game on top of the TV # And when lightning stuck him AghhHH! # He let out a wicked, loud yell # But we just turned up the volume # And ignored the burning smell # We should all rot in hell # I went to high school with Whitey # As a joke I told him # To meet me at the prom # When he got there # I said I can't believe you thought I was serious # So he ran home crying and slow danced with his mom # What a crushing blow to Whitey # I bet you wish you could take it back # How could you all be so mean to Whitey? # Sound to me that you are all on crack... Huh? # ..Tonight Whitey was counting on this town # To show that we care # But the first time he really needed us # We weren't there # And on Christmas Eve # And the last night of Hanukkah # It's just not fair # Bum, biddy, biddy, biddy, bum-bum # Bum, biddy, biddy, biddy, bum # (BOTH) Bum, biddy, biddy, biddy, bum-bum # Bum, biddy, biddy, biddy, bum # I wonder if that guy # Ever wiped his ass # With the wrong hand... Yes. # (ALL) ..Bum, biddy, biddy, biddy, bum-bum # Bum, biddy, biddy, biddy, bum # Bum, biddy, biddy, biddy, bum-bum # Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh # Bum, biddy, biddy, biddy, bum # I'm so sorry they hurt you, Whitey. We should go to the mall. That place always makes me feel better. But it's closed. Maybe the night guard forgot to lock the door again. If he didn't, we can sit in front of it. These are desperate times! Let the door be open. Please, just give me that. Oh, thank God! This is the most beautiful place I've ever seen. It's like a sanctuary. Eleanore, could you just give me a second to say a few words in private? Take as much time as you need, Whitey. Hey, mall, long time, no see. Fourteen hours to be exact. If you haven't heard by now, I didn't get that patch I've been telling you about for all these years. In fact, I've been kind of kidding myself to even think I was in the running. You see, the people of Dukesberry think I'm nothing but a joke. So I was kinda thinking maybe I should move to a town where nobody knows who I am. At least then they'd have a reason not to acknowledge me. I think Eleanore might like Florida and I hear they got some pretty amazing malls there. You're not going anywhere. Huh? Holy shit, did the mall just say something? No, it was me. What do you want, Stone? I came to apologise, Whitey. Well, there's nothing to apologise for, Stone, because you were right. Nobody does care about me. I don't think that's true. Do you, Mr Mayor? For the first time in years, your partner, Davey Stone, actually did a good thing for this community. What, steal beer for everyone? No, Eleanore. He opened my eyes to what a great man your brother is. That's why I'm here Whitey. I'm here to fix a big mistake. # It's your moment, Whitey # You've waited, oh, so long # It's your moment, Whitey # We're here to right our wrong... Oww! Owwww! Whitey Duvall, for service this community, I proudly present to you the 35th annual Dukesberry All-Star Patch. But this is Tom's. Mr Duvall, the 35th All-Star Patch is now where it belongs. (APPLAUSE) I can't believe this is happening. And the 34th! And the 33rd! And the 32nd, and the 31st, and the 30th! 29th! And the 17th! The 28th! The 23rd! And the 27th! Oh, Whitey! And the 11th! And the 25th! And the 18th! Number two! We love you, Whitey! You stepped up for me. I don't know if I could ever repay you. Well, you can help me with my dream. You've got a dream? What is it? To have someone wish me a happy Hanukkah and feel as good as I used to when my dad would say it to me. Happy Hanukkah, Stone. Merry Christmas, Whitey. (ALL) Awww You know, Stone, if my imaginary wife and I ever have a son, I hope you'd consider him a brother. Thanks, Whitey. And I'll pretend I never heard you say that. Appreciate it. # It's your moment, Whitey # Enjoy, our tiny friend... Thank you. # ..Like the Bavarian cream-filled doughnut # You ate last week... Thank you. Thank you, Miss. Thank you. Would you three show Whitey and I how to light the Hanukkah candles at our house? You up for that? When Benjamin falls asleep, the both of you can play Spin The Dreidel for tongue kisses. Sounds good to me. Go live happily ever after or I'll dropkick the teeth out of your mouth. That won't be necessary. Aw, they make a nice couple. # I never want this to... # end. # (GROANS) Don't worry, folks. Whitey's OK. This is the happiest seizure of my life! See, I told you. # Put on your yarmulke. # It's time for Hanukkah. Sounds good, guys. # Once again it's Hanukkah. # The miracle of Hanukkah. # Give it up for the dreidels, everybody! # Hanukkah is # the festival of light... One day of presents? Hell, no, we get eight crazy nights! # But if you still feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree, # I guess my first two songs didn't do it for you, so here comes number three. # Ross and Phoebe from Friends... # say the Hanukkah blessing. # So does Lenny's pal, Squiggy # and Will & Grace's Debra Messing. # Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon never mix meat with dairy. # Maybe they should have called that show The Little Kosher House On The Prairie. We've got Jerry Lewis, # Ben Stiller and Jack Black. # Tom Arnold converted to Judaism, but you guys can have him back. Just kidding, Tommy! # We may not get to kiss # uderneath the mistletoe. # Oh, we can do it all night long # wth Deuce Bigalow. I'm Jewish! Oh my God! Sweet Robbie Schneider is here! # Put on your yarmulke. # Here comes Hannukah. # The guy in Willie Nelson's band who plays harmonica celebrates Hanukkah. Oh, good job, Schneider. (GIGGLES) All right, now. Osama Bin Laden,... not a big fan of the Jews. Because he lost a figure-skating match to gold medallist Sarah Hughes. Her mama's Jewish. # Houdini and David Blaine escape straitjackets with such precision, # but the one thing they couldn't get out of ` their painful circumcision. # As for half-Jewish actors, # Sean Penn is quite the great one. And Marlon Brando, not a Jew at all, # but it looks to me like he ate one. # There's Lou Reed, Perry Farrell, # Beck and Paula Abdul. # Joey Ramone invented punk rock music, but first came Hebrew school. Hey. # Natalie Port... Monica, # it's time to celebrate Hanukkah. I hope I get an Andron-ukkah # on this joyful, toyful Hanukkah. # So get a high colon-ukkah # and soil your long john-ukkahs. # if you really, really want-ukkah, have a happy, happy, happy, # happy, happy, happy, # happy... # Han... # ukkah # Buckle up for safety, everybody! Goodnight! # I'm a kinda guy who can't stand a holiday. # So I drink 'em all away, that's me. # I don't decorate no trees. # And I won't eat no potato latkes. # But I'll give this old lady's melons a squeeze. # That's just who I am. # Everyone in town will be looking their best ` # even Mrs Selman with the one extra breast. # They'll laugh and they'll dance, and they'll pee in their pants, # cos there's a patch at the all-star banquet waiting for me. # # The school yards where we were # the first time I kissed her. # He thought he got some tongue. # But it was only retainer. # Eleanore's bra is a trainer. # If you touch the thermostat. # You'll get hit with a bat. # Cos that's a technical foul. # You will feel my wrath. # If your hair clogs the drain. # You'll know the meaning of pain. # Cos that's a technical foul. # I'll show you no mercy. # Let it out, Davey. # Ah, shut your wooden mugs. # Let it out, Davey. # Would you check out her bazookas? # IMS Subtitles. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Captioning 2006.