www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 4 6 (Joan writes) It was a day like no other. It was a day I had always dreamed of, a day I would never forget. MINISTER: Will you marry this woman, taking her to your heart, forever devoted, forever young? I will. Will you marry this man, taking him to your heart, forever devoted, forever young? I will. Now place the ring on her finger. I now declare... EXPLOSION What a shame we had uninvited guests. I'll have what I came for! Jack politely asked them to leave. Kiss steel, bastard! Jack! Jack! Hold tight! I'm coming! His temper flared, but he fought like a gentleman. Jack! Jack! Whoa! THUD! My one true love had fought bravely, but it wasn't enough. There was only room for one - my love or myself. You take it, my love! Never! Those maggots won't have you. Not for long. I have consumption. But you were going to marry me. Why didn't you tell me? I didn't want to spoil things. Go! Live to fight another day! Whatever makes you happy. SPLASH! With Jack, my happiness always came first. I faced my fate alone. 10 turned to 20 then 40. Could this be the end? Hey, gorgeous! Hey! Hi, Joanie! Ha ha! SONG: Taste for adventure I deal in the danger On a trip down the Nile Use my assistance And shorten the distance From a tear to a smile Stick with me We'll go through it in style It's easy when romance is in your heart And it really doesn't matter What you do or where you are... (Reads) "Was this the end of my freedom, my salvation..." (Sighs) ..my career? We'll go searching for the Jewel of the Nile You and I can touch the Jewel of the Nile And the greatest gem of all Is the love within us all It's easy when romance is in your heart And it really doesn't matter What you do or where you are Love is only an emotion away Can you feel it? Oh, can you feel it inside? You and I can touch the Jewel of the Nile... Whew! Ah! Gorgeous day, huh, gorgeous? We've got blue skies, nice warm water, and a cold beer. Honey, any more Buds? I had no time to ravage the Riviera for beer. Tough day? You could say that. But when the going gets tough, the tough... I don't know what the tough do. Or what the pirates do. Jack, I'm... I know, baby. Hey, I know. But look out there. What do you see? Bloomingdales? No! Greece. Greece? Yeah - Mikonos, Lesbos, Crete. Ouzo, olive oil - we're going! Wait. What about New York? We'll get back when summer's over. We've been sailing six months. I promised Gloria I'd finish that book three months ago, but I can't end it. Aren't we sailing round the world? Yes. But not all of it this week. It's becoming a blur. Exotic ports, great parties, spectacular sunsets... It's not enough. It's not enough? You got what you wanted. Now you don't want it. I want to do something serious. How much romance can one woman take? Joan Wilder? From your most devoted fan. Thank you. What's this afternoon? Must be someone from the reception. That's not till next Tuesday. This is next Tuesday, Jack. I thought you were getting a car. I forgot it was Tuesday. Sorry. That's all right. Shall we spin that roulette wheel a few times while we're here? Sounds great. Aaagh! Merci, monsieur. Merci! Au revoir. Jack, you can't leave now. Why not? Don't be ridiculous. I read all your books! Thank you very much. I am so happy to see you! This is my publisher, Gloria Horne. You are Mr Wilder? No. I'm Mr Colton - Jack. What's your work? I do casino work. I'll go downstairs now. Excuse me. Excuse me. Jack... I'll be back. Literary functions are not exactly Jack's speed. His favourite author wrote 'Pull Tab To Open'. I'M his favourite author. Listen to me, Jack is not the marrying kind. You're the girl who never returns library books late. You're three months past your deadline. My heart just isn't in it. Romance just doesn't seem real anymore. Real? You write about sailing off into sunsets. What about the next day? There is none. Stop confusing real life with romantic novels. Joanie, just finish it. After 17 books, I don't know how it ends any more. Then permit me to tell you. It doesn't end. It only begins anew, when you journey down the Nile with me. Have you got the right woman? No. I'm Omar Kalifa. I've travelled far to tell you I need you. You sent the flowers. They pale beside you. I've read about you. Yes, in 'Time' magazine. The Western press misunderstands the spirit of my vision. You can understand. Joan Wilder, you must come and write my story. I only write romance novels. And you haven't finished your latest one. You are a gifted story teller. You create heroes in a world of cynics. You can record history if we leave today. Joanie! In four nights, I'll be emperor. You'll have the exclusive story. The Nile has emperors? It does now. Oh, shit! What are we celebrating? The Nile. Oh, the Nile? We've been invited to Africa. Jack Colton, Omar Kalifa. How do you do? He's asked me to write his story. It's what I've always wanted to do. Joan's work will receive the serious attention it deserves. My biography will be her biggest accomplishment. Why do you have to write it now? Mr Kalifa... Omar, please. Omar has been chosen to unite the tribes of the Nile, ending the internal strife that bloodies his land. He is the New Redeemer. Precisely. You got all that in 20 minutes? You are very welcome to be my guest also. Thank you. My pleasure. Could I talk to you, please? You wanted to go to New York. That's all changed. That fast, huh? Jack, to write a biography is something important and real. Isn't this over your head? It's a great chance. Your heart's set on it, huh? Mine's set on Greece. So when do you leave? Tonight. He has a private jet. Private jet? We had a good run, didn't we? Jack, come on. It's just five weeks of research. Maybe we need a break. It's been tough lately. Yeah. When the going gets tough, the tough go to Greece. Well, I'll write you. Where? Yeah. Where? I'll give that roulette wheel one more chance. Take care of yourself. You stay out of trouble. Look out for her, will you? She leaves you for a higher purpose. Yeah. Don't be frightened. A man of vision has many enemies. My destiny is to outsmart them, you see? Like it? It's OK. Well, sweetheart, it's just you and me. Goddamn it! She was the best time I ever had. I'll keep you company, scum bag. Ha ha ha! Cartagena, Colombia! Long time no... Go ahead! Give me a reason! Make my year. Go easy. I've thought about you for six months. They threw me in jail with rejects with communicable diseases. Every whacko, open-sored low-life was there, and rats! I'm full of rat bites. Ten weeks of rabies shots, and all I thought of was you, Colton. Well, I'm flattered. I'm sorry you had it so tough. How about $100? $100! No more jokes! What did you do with it? What? The stone, moron! Let's discuss this like gentlemen, all right? I got malaria in jail, so I shake. You know what happens if I shake my trigger finger? You know what happens? It's the end... Holy shit! Holy shit! Quiet! I am Tarak. You must come with me now. What the...? Omar steal our Jewel, Al-johara. You can get into Omar's palace. My people cannot. Who the hell are you? Help me find the Jewel. Jewel? The Jewel of the Nile. Oh, that Jewel. Omar stole my people's Jewel. He's bad. That scum! I spit on him! Jack, let's help this nice man. Yes. I don't know what you're on, but I'm sailing tonight. You must help before Omar kill many people. With the Jewel, nothing can stop him. I'm going sailing. You do what you want. The boat blew up. My boat blew up. The boat blew up! Everything's gone. Who are you - the Prince of Darkness? This is Omar's work. Omar blew up my boat? Joan is in danger, too. I will take you to him. I'm coming. The hell you are! You owe me, Colton. So wherever you're going, I'm going. Where are we going? Africa. 5 1 Can you recognise my home? I wrote this! Yes, 'The Return of the King'. I had the same uniforms designed. Ha ha! Hello. Hi. Is all this yours? Well, it belongs to my people. Why point out the negative? In Kadir, my people will unite behind me in peace, and none of this will be necessary. Now to my humble house. Thank you. CROWD SCREAMS I'm really blessed. My people love me. They seem very enthusiastic. CROWD CHANTS: Omar! Omar! Excellent shot - a little boy holding my picture. That's wonderful. GUNFIRE SCREAMING AND SHOUTING (Explains in Arabic) CROWD LAUGHS My humble house. You must forgive us - we are a poor people. Everything you need, they will bring to you. Thank you. Here, only strangers say thank you. Not family and friends. (Man screams) What was that? Cats. Come. Oh. I have a cat. Attention! I hope this is satisfactory. Oh...oh, yes. This is OK, fine. Here you will write your masterpiece. I have some questions. The writer is already at work. Explore your new world. Feel free to go anywhere, see anything, and talk to anyone. I'm glad you're here, Joan. Together we'll make history. WAR CRIES It's like a fish bowl. Why are these third world cess pools always so hot? (Tarak makes war cry) Where are you going? Holy shit! (Men laugh) GHETTO BLASTER PLAYS LOUD DISCO MUSIC Well, Colton, looks like we've hitched our wagon to a star. (Man shouts) MACHINE-GUN FIRE Stop that! Stop it! Excuse me. Um, what does this mean? Al-johara. Al-johara? You speak English? "Give back the Jewel." "Give back the Jewel"? Yes. You can't do that. I'm a professional. GUNFIRE (Speaks Arabic) We'll see about that. Tell me what the hell's going on, or I'm going back to New York. It's impossible. Tomorrow we journey to Kadir. It's your most important chapter. You're keeping secrets from me. What secrets? Al-johara. What is the Jewel? The Jewel is a legend. I am real. Do not be distracted from your mission, Joan Wilder. Make yourself comfortable. You stay with me until our book is done. You can't keep me here. Go. You are free to leave. Only the worst kind of fool would attempt our desert alone. I've got to get off this camel. It's breaking my ass! I can't take it any more. Oh, shit! Turn's coming up. FUNKY MUSIC Come! You are welcome! We have food, we have drink. Have you got a toilet? ARABIC MUSIC How big's this Jewel? Ha-ha! (Speaks Arabic) (All speak Arabic) Very great. Very big. Very, very. Very big, very big. As big as this orange? (Laughs) (Speaks Arabic) (All laugh) It's bigger than an orange. It's the heart of our people. Omar seized it. Omar's thief. Omar's bad. Before Omar steal Jewel, everything good. Now everything is shit! You help us find the Jewel and we'll reward you. But if you lie to us, you'll die! But now, we dance! (Speaks Arabic) DANCE MUSIC SONG: Party, party Get down and party Get down and party tonight! Hey, party, party Get down and party Get down and party tonight Hey, party... Look at these guys. No sheep is safe tonight. Get down and party tonight! They split it right down the middle. 50-50. What are you saying? Don't play stupid with me, partner. The Jewel! And don't even think of messing with me. What's that I hear? A heart breaking? Keep your mind on business. You'll get killed over some broad who dumped you. Jewels! (Chuckles) Omar. I want you to be careful. See that word 'fragile' on the side? I might love your culture and your people, but you drop another box and I'll smash your face in! Tell Omar the special effects wizard has arrived! Come on, man. Ahh! GLASS BREAKS War plans. What's he up to? Wait till 'Time' magazine sees this! (Omar screams in pain) You burnt my hand! I didn't say it wouldn't burn. I said it wouldn't hurt. Look, no blistering. This isn't a cheap theatrical stunt. It's a miracle! My people must believe it! Omar, trust me. I've made gods out of rock'n'roll stars. For your information, I'm not a rock'n'roll star. The people must believe I have the same powers as the Jewel. Come, I want to see him now. DOOR SLAMS The Jewel represents my people's spiritual world. I must convince them that I'm their spiritual leader or they'll never follow me into battle. How's it done, magician? It's not magic trick. It's miracle. I'm losing patience with you. But you cannot kill me. Even you are superstitious. Al-johara lives. Al-johara? Two nights from now, it will not matter. Oh, no! A woman? (Coughs) Most unexpected. I have to stop Omar! Did you bring an army? What? No. I'm just Joan Wilder. Just Joan Wilder, I'm Al-johara. Al-johara? The Jewel of the Nile. I don't understand. You're the Jewel? Yes - for the moment. In two night, Omar will proclaim himself Emperor. Without me to oppose him, he'll march across North Africa like a madman. Everyone will think I'm my people's saviour. No. They won't believe you. I've seen your vision. I'll write the truth. The truth? If I wanted truth, I would've hired '60 Minutes'. You fantasise everything. That's why you're here. You write what I tell you to write. You think no-one knows I'm here? Oh, Jack! I forgot to tell you. Jack's dead. Don't be ridiculous. Jack would never die without telling me. Nevertheless, he's dead. You look pale. I'll send you my physician. DOOR CLOSES It can't be true. This Jack,... he's friend for you? Yes. He is my best friend. We must stop here. It is dangerous for us to enter Omar's city. Wait a minute. This guy's already tried to kill me. You are guest. Find for us the Jewel. Accept your destiny. Destiny my ass. Excuse me. You hook up with a bunch of juju beads, you see what happens. Take your lead from we. We'll be fine. Will we walk through the centre of town? I'll put you up a camel's ass. I think I might like it. What are you doing? In my book, Angelina used her nail file to cut the mortar away from the window bars. How long did this take? Two pages. But...it's not the bars that make the prison. It's the desert. So I'll travel at night. I have to write the truth about Omar. I must get to Kadir. Wait a minute. YOU must get to Kadir. You can stop Omar. You have to go with me. Maybe you ARE the one. I accept. We are sworn, Just Joan. Right, but it's just Joan. Right. Just Joan. We have to get out this window. Please. Please. Please. Magic! Dry rot. You can pick up a swell three-bedroom town house here for about $5 or $6. (Guard speaks Arabic) Hi. I'm Colton. I've been invited by your Omar. I'm here to see Joan Wilder. Rachid! Rachid! Good to see you again. Joan Wilder doesn't want to see you. I don't think you understand. Um...we're here on official business. This is Mr Fatush from the US Embassy. He's got something to say. We don't want to create an international incident here. She's an American citizen. If you'll let us see her, no paperwork, mum's the word. (Speaks Arabic) No sweat. We'll catch you next time we're in town. Take it easy. Once they've had a holy man, they never go back. Quickly, Just Joan! You know where you're going? RALPH: They go for hours without breathing. Ease up, will ya?! There should be another entrance. How about us at the back door in pussycat suits? When they bring the milk... How about you taking it in the ear?! I'm the reason you're here. I should shoot you. JOAN: Jack! You're alive! You're trying very hard to duck me. You bastard! They told me you were dead. I'll never want to feel that way again. Does this mean you apologise? What's this? The young and the stupid? What's he doing here? Don't get cagey with me. I know how you two operate. I'll get in there with or without you. (Guards shout in Arabic) Hey, lighten up. I only said hello to an old girlfriend. Just Joan, let's go! Who's this guy? A friend. You made friends in there? GUNSHOTS OK, let's go! He's coming with us. Don't start with me. I'm here to rescue you. I was doing fine without you. GUNSHOTS I'm a guide. I need a miracle! Jack, he's coming with us. All right. When we survive this, I'm going to kill you! Let's go. Come on. Who are you? Al Jolson's buried here? WHO ARE YOU?! Don't provoke me! I've had a tough day. It's very hot here. I'm like this with Weinberger. I'm warning you! GUNSHOTS Let me in! Holy shit! Oh, no! Over the wall! WARNING SIREN Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Come on! No! (Groans) OK, flyboy. We're departing right now. (Speaks Arabic) What are you doing?! I'm not doing anything! Well, do something! All right, I'm trying. This isn't Space Invaders. Jack...the wall! Oh, no! It IS Space Invaders. Wa-hoo! That'll show them! (Groans) All right. Yeah! Oh, shit! Let's get out of here. This will be tight. This is my first time in airplane. How do you stop this thing? Sorry. Do you know where you're going? Give me a break! Al-johara! Your friend steal the Jewel! What? You are liar to me! I'll come back. You're dead! Rachid. Colton, you ain't stiffing me again! I promise you! I'll feed you to the maggots! Al-johara! Al-johara! Al-johara! Oh, great! We're out of quarters! Try that one there. Now what? Damn it! Yes! Yes! It's not bad for your first time. Come on, we've got them. Colton ain't getting away. (Sings Arabic song) PLANE ENGINE Where is the horn? Get out of here! Get out of the way! Sandstorm. Stop, stop, stop! What will you do? Either save us or kill us. Hang on! Don't cut off my head! You stole our Jewel. It was the mook. I've never seen that Jewel. Wait, wait, wait! Please. You need me. I'll help you find him. You're his friend. Friends don't stab each other in the back. We'll team up. We'll find him. We'll get him good. He knows I won't be denied. Colton's future is bleak. Very bleak! Any idea where we are? If we head due east, we'll reach the border. Is that the way to Kadir? Kadir's in the west, over that mountain. Good luck, pal. Let's go, Joan. We have to take him to Kadir. We got him out. He'll be fine. Come on. We swore an oath. We go to Kadir. Yeah. What is it with you? Jesus! Everything's always your way. Just like the goddamn boat! "My way"?! Staying on your boat wasn't my idea. You play good. I enjoy. We're moored off the Canary Islands, midnight, sound asleep. Three crazed Joan Wilder fans decide they want the Angeline's anchor for a souvenir. We were drifting for days. Stop. It's time for Just Joan. Remember the Costa del Sol? Come on! I'm at at the Governor's formal dinner and you arrive with the entire Italian national basketball team! They were hungry. That's exactly it - you never think about me. You thought about me when you disappeared with Omar? He blew up my boat. Our boat. 'OUR' boat?! It's good debate. Is equal. No winners. We must hurry. Wait. He blew up our boat? Why risk your life for this guy? I made a commitment. I can't break it. OK. OK, fine. But truthfully, I didn't come here for you anyway. I'm onto something big. A jewel - the Jewel of the Nile. Come with us. I am Johara. That means Jo. Thanks, Jo, but no thanks. She mustn't break her commitment. Oh, Jack. Come on. That's for the Angeline. I still owe you for Joan. (Speaks Arabic) Oh, God, please let me get out of this alive. I swear I'll be good from tomorrow on. (Speaks Arabic) Al-johara. But tonight I must kill Colton. Joan Wilder! Yalla, yalla! Why not tell your friend about me? He'd go miles for a party, but wouldn't cross town for a noble cause. People can surprise you. No, Jack will never change. Like a... Like a stone. It's always a stone. Open your hand. (Gasps) Change is not always visible. All right, let's show some hustle! What? Your buddy, Omar. What is he - mad about you? Are we jogging? We are jogging. Greece is looking better. Uh-huh. Oh, shit! TANKS APPROACH Why does this guy want you so bad? Jo, where are you going? This way. You kidding? He knows the mountains well. Give me a break. America, democracy - we vote, eh? Stop, stop! A black day for democracy. Don't worry, it's not my destiny to die here. What about us? That's another ball game. GUNFIRE (Speaks Arabic) Rachid. Joan Wilder! I wish no harm to you. I'm your friend, your fan. Please surrender. What did you give Omar that you never gave me? Bloody bitch! Shit! Look out! (Yells) Hey, Omar! Eat rock shit. I got something. Nubians. I was hoping to avoid them. Sell any books here? Hey, my man! Why are you so happy? Just keep smiling. They'll think we're from National Geographic. How are you doing? How are you doing? (Speaks dialect) (Speaks dialect) He says it's many days over high mountains. He wishes us a pleasant journey. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Catch you next time, all right? Goodbye. Mr Jack, Just Joan. The chief's son blesses your marriage and your children. We're not married. He says because you're not married his son wishes to court you. Oh, what?! That's very nice, but the lady is... She's with me. Because there's more than one suitor, you must wrestle his son. I must wrestle his son? Uh-huh. How you doing? This one I can handle. OK. No? (All cheer) Wait a minute. Let's talk like gentlemen. All right? Come on. Right, the guy's big, huh? Say we lived together for six months. Shit! All right, what are the rules? (All cheer) Right. Yeah! (All boo) Ooh. I'm really sorry about that. Don't do that! Not the... Jack! No pain, no gain. Oh! Let me go. NO! Can we discuss this? Stop it! Will you do something! I am doing something. Jo! (All boo) No! (Speaks dialect) (All cheer) Whoa! Yeah! Yeah! That was great! Great, huh? I could've gotten killed. DRUM BEATS This is the marriage dance. The women choose the men and they'll be together the rest of their lives. All that from one dance? Yes. I think it's beautiful. To be one of us, take off your shoes and socks. See with the eyes of your heart. Not the eyes of your head. Right. Your heart will never give you fear or pain, if you know our way. Cross. No, thanks, pal. Keep your friggin' Jewel. No! Are you afraid? I just had my feet resoled. What's your worst possible fate? Becoming a Chicken McNugget. What's your best possible fate? Getting through this and finding the Jewel. It's your choice. Look down. (Screams) Ooh, ooh! Hot coals, hot coals! Ah, ah, ah... I did it! I'm one of us! Yeah! All right! Yeah! Yeah! Your fears - they make you foolish. Go to her, Jack. I'm sorry I got people shooting at you again. They're shooting at the perfect couple! Slow times I'm not too good at. I expect too much. You mean we both expect too much. Oh boy! Thank you for coming to Kadir with me. This valley is gift of the Nile. I've been away from here too long. I'm getting to like this guy Jo. Let's cut him in if we find this Jewel. Jack...we have the Jewel. What are you talking about? Where? Well... There. What, Jo's got the Jewel? No. Jo is the Jewel. Jo is the Jewel of the Nile? He's a holy man. That's his religious title. Jo's the Jewel? Why didn't you tell me the truth? I thought if you knew, you wouldn't come with us. Maybe I would've surprised you. I've come through once or twice, haven't I? I'm sorry. You're right. You come through all the time. It's funny, I really thought we had a chance. Look, Just Joan, the train to Kadir. Jack, we'll be there tonight. Lots of people. They're pilgrims. They're going to see the First Redeemer. Omar, huh? We'll see about that. BELL RINGS Oh, shit! CAR HORN BLASTS (Speaks Arabic) What are you doing? Come on! Jump! No! Jack! Jack! Hang on, Joan! Jack, watch out! Al-johara. ALL: Al-johara! Guys, wait up! Humphrey, go! Do something. What do you want me to do? (Yells out) ARABIAN MUSIC TAPPING Colton! Shh! Your ass is grass and I'm a lawnmower! I'll get you, Colton! (Cackles) Colton! Ya-hee! SPLAT Colton. 1 1 Yay! Yeah! All right! Let's go! Let's get out of here! Just Joan, you're great... GUNS CLICK Welcome. I don't usually travel by train, but I had a small accident with my helicopter. TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS May we reach Kadir in time. BOTH: In shallah. Once we get inside, we must find the entrance to the catacombs. T-shirts! Omar T-shirts! Get out of here! T-shirts! I'll buy it! Just go! I really admire your loyalty to each other. I'm giving you a chance to be together to the very end. Well, not exactly - one watches, the other dies. (Screams) But which one? Rachid. Is that the goat's blood? Yes. Very popular with the... inhabitants of these catacombs. Rats. Yes. They'll eat until they get it all. Don't worry, Mr Colton. You won't be alone. Acid will eat through Miss Wilder's rope. What kind of pervert goes to this trouble? What kind of psychopath would even THINK of this? 'The Savage Secret'. What? It was my biggest seller. Oh. Think about this pit as your last adventure, Joan Wilder. My people...await me. Rachid! What?! I'm used to working with professionals! Tell His Highness we'll start without him! Goddamn beanie convention. I'll end up taking home a rug. The entrance! Give me a red gel! Cue! I said give me a red gel! And CUE! For God's sake, cue! DRAMATIC MUSIC Build it...softly. Give me some smoke. Good. Very good. Now build it up. CHEERING ALL CHANT: Omar! Omar! Omar! Hey, hey, hey! There are many routes, many ways. You go this way. YOU go THIS way. We'll go THIS way. (Speaks Arabic) (All repeat) Phew! The stench in this place! OMAR'S SPEECH IN BACKGROUND What looks good, amigo? You go this way. And I...go THIS way. All right. What a fruit loop. So how did they get out? What? In 'The Savage Secret'? Oh. Jesse had a knife hidden in his boot. You don't have a knife, do you? I'm not even wearing underwear. Great! (Both scream) No! No! We were good together, weren't we? The best. We're going to make it. Yeah. God, I love you. I love you, Jack. Will you marry me? Yes! I don't want you leaving again. You're not just saying that because this is it? I'm saying it because I'm not afraid to any more. Where shall we go on our honeymoon? (Speaks Arabic) CHEERING Omar! Omar! Omar! Omar! Get out! Goddamn rat farm! Go on! Get us out of here! There's the biggest rat of all. Colton, look at you! You don't know how many nights I dreamed of this - except your flesh was torn off. Please, help us down. (Jack screams) Well, well, well, Colton. I think this calls for a renegotiation - don't you, Tarzan? This looks more like 70-30... or maybe even 80-20. Ralph, get the rats off my rope! I don't go near rats! Do not be afraid. Remember the Sufi way. See with your heart. My heart sees rats! Don't let this garb fool you. Where's the Jewel? I am the Jewel. The Jewel of the Nile. And I'm a kumquat from Queens! Come on! Put the ladder over the well - please! Good idea, legs. I'll save you when you come across with the rock. (Squeaks) (Screams) (Groans) (Laughs) Make it more like 90-10, huh, kumquat? Did you get the ladder all right, buddy? Let's unlock the Jewel. You mean he's really the Jewel?! There's still time to stop Omar! Let's go! Ralph, that is not the Sufi way. I don't know what got into me. Colton makes me crazy. Tell him to cut me down. Omar! Omar! (Speaks Arabic) Don't touch that one! Bloody woman! (Makes war cry) (Answers) (Gives order) (Makes war cry) Here they come, Jack! Look at this. Looks like Our Lady of Mount Carmel schoolyard. Hold it! Excuse me! Pardon me! Coming through...whoa. Whoa. Rachid! Let's talk before you butcher me alive. What are you getting so steamed about? (Screams) Look at that! It worked! Al-johara! (All cheer) (Yells in Arabic) Get over the wall! Come on! Let's go! Keep going! WHISTLE I knew we'd hook up again! Get it! I swear to God! My right hand to God! Come on! Oh! I am dead. Only an epitaph will be written for Omar. But I won't be alone. Who will save you now? Hmm? Who? Well, you got your story. I got a lot more than that. You are married. CHEERS, APPLAUSE Always a bridesmaid, never the bride. As usual, Ralphie gets zilch. You are Sufi. Keep it always. Oh...guys! Sufis rule! SONG: Yeah!