# www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018 (HEBREW HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS) (CHEERING / APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) (CHEERING / APPLAUSE) (BULL MOOS) (ALL CHEER) You don't mess with the Zohan! Zohan. Come disco. No, no, no. I no disco, I make the fish. Danny, come on, go disco. Oh, OK! Disco! (ALL CHEER) Danny, that looks good. You're gonna be a hit at your bar mitzvah. (ALL LAUGH) So, OK, Mr Big Penachim, I no see you disco. No, no, no. I making dagim. I no disco. A real man, he can disco and cooking dagim. So let's go. (ALL) Ohhhh! Go, go! I get the hummus for you. And for you. (ALL) Ohhh! Little for me, eh? (ALL CHEER) (HELICOPTER WHIRRS) No. No! Kapara, what is going on? Just some bullshit-uchen. Let's go! Hey, I'm on vacation here! Can't you see this? You promised me time off! Get someone else to do it! (MUTTERS IN ARABIC LANGUAGE) Are they gonna hurt him! No one can hurt the Zohan. Bye, Zohan. Take care, man. # Keep feeling fascination # Passion burning, love so strong # Keep feeling fascination... # The terrorist known as Phantom was spotted yesterday at a Hacky Sack tournament in Beirut. He may be have been trying to bait us by surfacing briefly. We believe he's being kept in a safe house on the Lebanon border. How is we lose Phantom? Didn't I capture Phantom three months ago? What, you didn't hear about the trade? What trade? Er, Zohan, we gave back the Phantom. No! What do you mean, we give back the Phantom? Zohan, relax. It was a good trade. We got back Etan and David. That's all we got for a veteran terrorist? Come on, we got hosed here! They threw in a spy to be named later. Come on, Zohan, you have to like that deal. Maybe they're talking about Ze'ev. Ze'ev? He's not even a good spy! He got caught, for God's sake! He's a stupid! Our plan is to enter the building from the front with a team of eight men, with 12 men at perimeter positions. Unfortunately, there is a high probability of collateral damage including property and loss of life, on both sides. OK, here we go. Excuse me? Come on, is it not safer to send one man into building with minimal coverage to take out the target instead of blowing up half the neighbourhood? Who would do that? Oh, "who would do that?" You know you were going to ask the Zohan. Zohan, why you say this! I just laid out a plan which didn't rely on you. Come on, Yaron, you're setting me up! All this talk of civilian casualties, then of course I end up doing it! But I'm not even asking you to do it! Alright, I'll do it! Give me Avi and Koby as watch, I'll get it done without the mess. Well, thank you. You didn't have to. Oh, I didn't have to, bullschlassah. Have some Fizzy Bubblech. Kiwi watermelon? Yeah, is good. "The Avalon." Chunky cuts. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Zohan, what are you doing? The girls are here. I know, I was watching television. If you want to have fun with us, we're next door. Good with the sticky, you should do it. No, no. I am going to dinner with my parents. Leave me alone! Alright, alright! It is alright! (BOTH GIGGLE) You don't giggle at the Zohan! You hear me! No giggling at the Zohan! You never giggle at the Zohan! What's the matter, tateleh? You haven't touched your baba ganoush. Aba, Ima, what would you think if I tell you I want to leaving the army, start a new life? Why would you do that? You are good at it. It's steady pay. You can't leave, you're one of their best. Besides, you are too old to take a risk. Stay in the army, play it safe. There's other things I can do besides war. You don't war. I was in the real war. I know, I know the story. 1967. (BOTH) We were surrounded on all sides, outnumbered. And in six days, we... You won. I'm sorry I don't have a big, fancy war that lasted all of six days... Six days and five hours. Your generation likes to forget that. Dad, I've done so much for the country. When does it end? They've been fighting for 2,000 years. Can't be much longer. All of my friends served the minimum three years. Why can't I move on? Do something else. Something more... creative. Creative, what? You've caught so many terrorists, it's an art! You're like Rembrandt with a grenade. What will you do? Maybe go to America. What, and haggle over stereo equipment? Wait a minute, Ya'acov. Uncle Levi will set you up at electronic store. You make money, sow your creative oats, you come back! No, I don't want to do electronics store. Then how will you make money? I don't want to say. Zohan, if you can't tell your parents, who can you tell? Come, Zohanele. Huh? I want to cut... ..and style hair. (BOTH LAUGH) You... You faygeleh? He's fag... (BOTH LAUGH) I like hair. It's pleasant, it's peaceful, no one gets hurt. Well, you're only digging that faygeleh hole deeper and deeper! (LAUGHS) Hello, down there! Hello, in the faygeleh hole! (BOTH LAUGH) Maybe he wants Vaseline! (LAUGHS) Yes, it's so funny! Ohh! (SOBS) I just want to make people silky smooth. (SOBS) You know the Phantom will try to run, so be ready for this. Zohan, now! So let's go. The Zohan. Freeze! I get it, I get it, you guys don't like our country. Oh, so we are the bad ones? I'd love to discuss this with you, but I'm short on time. I'm just saying, it's not so cut-and-dry. Yahh! We settled here for hundreds of years! Good point. None of my ancestors ever stepped foot in this land. No, you're right. Hey, don't walk away! Come out, come out, wherever you are. Hello, jackass. (SPEAKS ARABIC) You think you can oppress my people, land-grabber. But I will never disappear! No one can catch Phantom! Whoo! (YELLS) (DOG BARKS) So let's go. Very good. (YELLS) Ahh. (ALL) Ohhh! (YELLS) Sorry! It's for the cause! Zohan? Zohan, bring it! (SCREAMS) Why you do this? I feel no pain. No, no, no. I feel no pain. I feel no pain. This is too much... No, no, no. I feel no pain. I have told you in other fights. No, no, no. I kill you right now! Huh? Huh? Huh? (LAUGHS) Look, look, look. Huh? (LAUGHS) Wow. The piranha, it looks very painful for you. (GASPS) Is good, is good. Is very nice. Yes, yes. Fizzy Bubblech for me. Aghh! You like what you see? Time to die. So let's go. OK, game... over. Whoo! Yeah! (YELLS) I kill! I kill the Zohan! (ALL CHEER) Zohan is dead! Zohan is dead! Yeah! (ALL CHEER) (CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYS) (BIRD SQUAWKS) 1 Cutting the hair, this makes something beautiful. Instead of shooting it. That's why I had to fake to die. I could have captured Phantom again, but for what? They trade him! I love my country, but the fighting, it never ends. It's like Mr Scrappy, you bite Coco. Coco, you bite him back. Soon you are both having worms, eating your own poopech... (SIGHS) (DOGS SNORE) I understand. The pills. Your parents think they know what's best for you. Sleep. It's all about not getting recognised. I know how great I looked in the beard, but I'll make this work for me, you'll see. Rise and shine, guys. Good morning. Is nice, huh? It's the Avalon. It says I care about the way I look, but I'm still approachable. (DOGS BARK) Oh, you like this? Huh? Who wants to go next, guys! Who wants to look silky smooth! Yes. Yes! Oh, where are my two little babies!? Oh, come on. Come on out, Scrappy, come on out. Come to Mama, Mr Coco. (GASPS) Mr Scrappy! Coco! What happened! Who gave you permission to do this, huh? Who did? Answer me! Scrappy, was it you? It was you. You're always the instigator. Bad dog. You are a very bad dog! Never again are you gonna travel! # Uptown, downtown, turn the beat around town # Hip-hopping, beat-bopping, there's no stopping Take me to the Paul Mitchell hair salon. First time in New York? Yes, my friend. So what brings you here? I have a dream. I had a dream, too. What dream you have? My dream was to come to America and make enough money to send for me brothers and sisters so that we all could enjoy freedom together! This is good dream. Oh, yes, it is! Is dream come true? No, man! Me brothers and sisters were hacked to death! But I love the Chinese food here! It's incredible! # "I Wanna Sex You Up" - Color Me Badd (GLASS SQUEAKS) Good morning for you. I am here to meet Mr Paul Mitchell. And who are you? Scrappy Coco. I am here to take a job from him. He isn't in right now. That's good. So I will wait, then. You know what? I'll take one Fizzy Bubblech, a raspberry. You know, he actually doesn't come in too often. Yes, just tell him I am perfect for this, so let's go. I am the best. The best at what? All of this! The cutting, the styling, the making it silky smooth. I wanna know who cuts your hair. Oh, you like this, eh? This is the Avalon, straight from the Paul Mitchell book. I haven't seen that style since Luke married Laura. (ALL LAUGH) Sister, are you this Laura? You tell Paul Mitchell Scrappy Coco was here to see him. (ALL LAUGH) If I find out he was here, or you are keeping him hidden from me, I will destroy you. Believe me this. (ALL LAUGH) (ALL LAUGH) (TYRES SCREECH) What the hell was this, champ? I'm not paying for that! This asshole cut me off, made me swerve into you! With all due respect, I was in the bicycle lane. You came like a madman. Be glad nobody was hurt. I mean, somebody could've died. You came... OK, real mature, sir. Real mature. You do not want to be throwing bicycles. Look, stay out of my business, Mustafa. Mustafa? This is not my name. Who tells you this is my name? Whatever. Salami, baloney, apple sauce. Apple who? My friend, if I were you, I would change the tone. Avoid the pain. Go back to your goddamn pretzel stand. We got it... (SCREAMS) Look what I've got. It's right here. Please! I've got it. Please, let me go! I never work at pretzel stand. You like to insult people? Was that your feet? Yes, it's the feet. The feet uppercut. Here comes the double foot. This is good. Smell it, smell it, smell it. Now take it. That's for you. Alright, let me go! You said you wanted pretzel? OK, I'm good. Beautiful. You want some chickens? No, no, no. I fix for you. It's all b'seder. What are you, bionic! No, no, no. I only like the girls. Thanks, anyways. (HORN BEEP) This is ridiculous traffic. (SPEAKS ARABIC) Anyway, George insisted we have the party. I always get midnight shift! Could you keep it down, please? I no sleep, I no see World Series Poker. Are you even watching the road! Be nice. He could be a terrorist. (ARABIC MUSIC PLAYS) Why Hamdi no get no midnight? Could you at least change the station? (DIFFERENT ARABIC MUSIC PLAYS) Ohh. Hey, that was amazing. Oh, yes. Where are you from, anyway? Where am I from? Australia. Really? You sound Middle Eastern. No, no, no. Similar accents. Kangaroo. You see? Sure. (SPEAKS ARABIC) This is ridiculous! We're getting out! Come on, dear. I've been working longer than Hamdi! Huh? You want me to get you home? No, I'll grab a cab. You've done enough. That was crazy. Whose lockzie do I have to schluck?! Oh, you know you're boning me! I don't know that. It's you! What's happening? What's happening? It's bullshaklaga! We have to go now! Go where? What are you doing? I'll run you home. This is legal? Scrappy, have another kneidlach. Come on. You're very nice, Mrs Klayman. It reminds me of my mother's cooking in Australia. Really? It's funny, you don't sound Australian. No, no, no. This is because I am half Australian, half Mount Everest. So this is what you're hearing. Oh. Well, Australia, it must be really nice there since they got rid of the apartheid. Oh, yes, the weather is much cooler. Hm. So, Scrappy, I understand you cut hair. I will be working with Mr Paul Mitchell as soon as I find out where they are hiding him. Oh, Mom, Scrappy doesn't have a place to stay yet. Really? Not yet. Actually, there's a nice one-bedroom that just opened up upstairs. Nice light, not huge. And they redid the kitchen very well. This could be good. Could be good. (LAUGHS) Could be good. Hey, Mom, do you know where the detergent is! Oh, my God! Michael! What? What's the matter? What's the matter? That's my mom! I needed to thank her for the soup. What do you want from me? Couldn't you wait till I was asleep? Or dead?! No, Michael. You do... What's he doing now? Why'd that happen? Why'd that happen? It's OK. Let me talk to him. Oh, I can't get up. You'll feel your legs again in two hours. Ohh! Michael. Come on, this is nothing to feel bad about. It's beautiful. It's natural. No, I didn't bring you home to fool around with my mother. Why not, huh? You don't want her to be happy? Did you see her? Did you look at her? I don't think I can ever look at her again. Michael, her face during the big bang-boom! You did not see? She was glowing. (CAT MEOWS) Patches! What are you...? Michael, come on. They'll be plenty of time for you and me. Tonight, I take you to disco, huh? How's this? Why would I wanna go to a disco tonight? Michael, you should go! It'd be fun! You could use a little stank. Disco, disco. Let's do this, Michael. Yes or no? Come on, you get to disco. Alright, fine, I'll go to the disco. OK. I have your mother one more time and then we go. Wha...? Seconds already! Oh, yes! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) Hey! Look at this! This is what you need, man, to let off a little steam, huh? Check out that plus girl. She's beautiful. Big. You're too picky, Michael. Every weed in the desert is still a flower. So who wants to get some poontachen? I wanna get some poontachen? Well, let's get some! Yes! (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) It's good for you. Nice spinning. This is what I'm talking about. You play this. I ain't playing this corny shit. No, I need to set the mood for my friend. Get out, you Daisy Duke-wearing motherf... # I always feel like # Somebody's watching me # And I have no privacy (GRUNTS) # I always feel like... Disco, disco! (ALL) Good, good! Disco, disco! (ALL) Good, good! (RECORD SCRATCHES / ALL CHEER) # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh # (SCREAMS) Yes, hello. Hello. Hey, Zohan! Who you looking for? It's OK, no one can hear me in disco, Zohan. Can you believe the poontachat in this place? I'm not Zohan. My name is Scrappy Coco, my friend. What? Of course you are Zohan Dvir. They all think you dead in Israel. I'm not going to tell. Tell what? I don't know what you're talking about. Zohan, it's OK. Don't worry, I'm a huge fan! So, what the fachma are you doing here? Come with me. (SQUEALS) Look, I couldn't take all the fighting any more. What's it all for? Are you crazy? If I could blow a terrorist inside out like you, this is all I would do! I'd never sleep! This is exaggeration. No, it's not. You made Palami Habdallah's poodle sit on a live grenade. You gotta show me how you did that! I don't remember. I was young. So tell me the truth. Why are you in America? I no want to tell you. What? What? Come on! You are the best, Zohan! Whatever you say is good! I want to be hairdresser. You a faygeleh? I can't believe it! (LAUGHS) No, no, no, no, I like hair! Come on, man, I get you real job. You come by my shop tomorrow. Israeli electronics. Are you crazy? Everyone will recognise me. You don't look like Zohan. You have silly haircut now. I have what haircut? What? You say I look silly! No, no. Who said this? You said this. No, no. Nobody say nothing. I don't need your job. I get my own job on my own at a big salon. You will see. You ever cut a sister's hair before? Yes. Sister, brother, grandma, grandpa, the whole family. I'm good at this. Have you ever worked with dreads before! This is what you do. No more! This creature slayed! It's not a problem. OK, he's got me. He's got me! He's got me! OK! OK. So we blind him in the eyes. We got you. And we finish him. You back away, I take hold of him. Go! Go! Go out! Go now! Go! This is hair. This is hair. Oh, OK. The joke's on me, eh? A big part of our job here is making this a fun experience. Of course, of course. For a lot of kids, this is their first haircut, and it can be very frightening. I can imagine. I don't want a haircut! Get away from me! Let me go! Young man, look what I found here. A nice balloon. Do you want it! It's right here. You know, you shouldn't jump around when this nice woman's holding a sharp pair of scissors. If you move, she could slip and slice your jugular vein on accident. There's no way to stitch the jugular. All of your blood will be on the floor in four minutes. I've seen this. I've done this. You don't want this. (CRIES) (ALL CRY) Well, then, at least it's a good time to shave his neck. I would get him quick. When I was your age, I already killed seven men. Maybe you should grow up. 1 I promise you, you won't regret. And come back! "Fujigawa"? I don't know that brand. It really isn't... It's not really Fujigawa. It's Sony guts. Wouldn't it be better with the Sony... No, no, no. This is what you want. 450. But the ad says "Sony," and "300". No, no, no. What you going to believe, me or the ad? 450. (PHONE RINGS) Hello, Going Out of Business. Can I help you! Sony, yes. 300. Come in, yes. Very good, very good. (SPEAKS HEBREW) Hi. I represent the new owner of this building. Good for you. What do you want? Yamaha is very good. Did you receive our letter regarding rent! This I don't know. It's being raised to 20,000 a month. No, no, no. This is too much. 8,500 is all we'll give you. This isn't negotiable. We can get... 10,000, that's all. We both go home happy. I'm sorry. We can't settle for less. OK, no deal. You come back when you want to deal. Sir, you don't understand. Go! Why you still here? You like me? I have girlfriend. Go! Thank you. (SPEAKS HEBREW) Hey, look who's here! Come on, not so loud. Don't worry, Zohan. I tell you, they don't recognise you. Yosi! This is good man! This Chocolate Coco. Scrappy Coco. Scrappy Coco. Cooking Who-co? Yes, yes. So you're going out of business? No, no, no, no. Is just a sign. Is good for business. Yeah, so you looked me up, man! That's cool. I come for job. Oh. Job? So you not big hairstyle? Erm, it's not really... happening for me so far. So I am here. So let's go. No. No job. What do you mean? You tell me to come here. I can no let you do this. You want to be hair homo. No, so I do this for now. It's all yofi-tofi. Is no now. Once you start in electronics store, you never get out. Look at Ephraim. You see? I don't see nothing wrong with that. It's perfect. He came to America to be racing car driver. But he let slip away. I can hear it. Look. Check your ear. Pinchas wanted to be the next Bill Cosby. No. Is resistant, no proof. You don't understand! (SIGHS) But the store kept pulling him back. Maybe you swimming with the watch. I'm not... Is resistant. Yosi wanted to be a hand model. You don't like this! Look at this. This is beautiful. But he got too comfortable here. Press this button, it's free HBO. The electronics store is a dream killer. And I won't let the Zohan kill his dream. You... are a real mensch, Oori. You the mensch. Come. What? What's this? You may not go for this, but this place cross the street... Yes? They maybe take you. Is good place? No, is dump, but they take you. Is on Palestinian side of street. Palestinian? No, no, no. Look, nobody kill you there. Here, nobody care. First off, no one kill me anywhere. But Palestinian, no. I've done enough to my parents already. I just want job for the Zohan. And it kills me the way Phantom bastard getting his buttochim kissed in Palestine now. Buttochim kissed? What's this? He have business. He buy wives. Poontachat. Poontachat? Him? They say his ugly face everywhere. # Everyone is running To Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen # For the food the heroes eat # Kubeh, sambouesk, Delicious muchentuchen # You never know who you'll meet You are going to get spoiled! (YELLS) "(ALL) Phantom Muchentuchen!" (ALL CHEER) Yeah! This month, order Muchentuchen Happy Lunch and get action figures from Phantom Presents: Death to Zohan. Unbelievable. This animal gets to live his dream. But, me, I... I can no work Palestinian, no. It's like... I can't do this. Yes, you can! Is your dream to cut hair. You want fight, or you want hair? I want hair! But I'm scared! Is America! You can do anything here. You never done something people thought was impossible? So you don't want to talk, huh? I'll make you talk! (LAUGHS) I can do this. # You can do what you want and just seize the day # You find, ohh # It's a beautiful life Oh, oh-oh-oh # It's a beautiful life Oh, oh-oh-oh (ALL) # Disco, disco, good, good Disco, disco, good, good # Disco, disco, good, good Disco, disco, good, good So you have never cut hair before? I have cut my own hair and several dogs. I have the Paul Mitchell book, I have the stamina, the desire... But you have no training or experience. Would you hire someone with experience in something else? In what? Can anyone here do this? OK. I have never seen that. That is very nice, but that is not going to help me. No hands. (GROANS) Besides, I have no openings. If anything, I need to scale back since they just raised my rent through the roof. Out of nowhere, some guy with a tie comes in and tells me I need to pay. Stop it! I only wish to learn. I will do whatever it takes. Fine. You can sweep up hair a few shifts a week. You won't be... No pay. No, no, no. But then, I will become stylist, yes? That could be a while. I will wait turn. You will see. I will get night time job for money. Soon the whole world will be silky smooth! Zohan! Carmen Electra has the best tits. Oh, please. Oh, my God! I wonder how much she paid for them. They're so perky. You know, leave it to her to buy the best tits. It's always first class with that one. You know, you don't have to catch every piece of hair as it falls. Yes, I do. You deserve a perfect floor. One single hair is unacceptable. As you were. Yes. I got this. "Did you see the new Kate Hudson movie?" "I think she is even more vivacious than her mother." Scrappeleh, that's wonderful! Now let's practice on Michael. Michael! Could you come in here, please? What? What is...? Oh, Scrappy needs to practise small-talking. Can we do this another time? I have a shot at keeping my food down. Michael, I want to practise now. I'm terrible at this. Why won't you help me? Oh, honey. You are good at everything you do. (SIGHS) Got it. Thanks. So you're making her silky smooth, huh, Claude? Framing her face? Yeah, Scrappy. I'm framing her face. This is smart. A nice layered style with the soft bangs is good for a bigger woman like this. Coco. Takes the eyes off the moon face and brings it toward the titzim. Coco. I need to speak to you. In private. Private. A secret? They will never get it out of me, I promise you. Coco, Claude is trying to work. Yes. He's very good. So I am ready to cut hair today. So let's go, let's get it on. No. Let's not go. But I am the best! Don't tell me you're the best. I have the desire, the stamina. You've been here two days. I run this place for five years. I know when you are ready to cut hair. OK! Jeez! Get a room, you two! No, no, no. I do not touch this with your penachim. Out of respect for the working. No, you don't eat where you shit! Or shit where you eat. Whatever the... The smell is bad. This is called a comb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no, no. Ohh! Aghh! Scrappy! I'm sorry. Here, I take your leg up. I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry. OK. Alright. Take him where he wants to go. Thank you. Good luck. It will be fine. Your limousine has arrived, sir. You're observant, Tyler! Thank you, Big Mac. I am really late for a hotel opening downtown. The Walbridge Hotel. I understand, sir. I know the neighbourhoods inside and backwards. We will not let them stop us. What? (TYRES SCREECH) (TYRES SCREECH / HORN BLARE) I'm not in that much of a hurry! (SQUEALS) You want some coffee back there! No! Don't worry, I will lose them. Nobody is following us! Wahh! (TYRES SCREECH) (SCREAMS) Have a good time, sir. 1 Debbie, you did a good job. You look very bangable, Mrs Rosen. Mrs Paulson, I must tell you, when you first came in, you looked hideous. There was nothing attractive about you. But now, I must say, my schtitzel, it's about to burst. It could break these any... What are you doing? We are, erm, talking shop. No. No. Look, Coco... What? You need to calm down now, OK? I don't think the customers like the way you talk shop. Nobody say this. Coco, remember, respect for the workplace. I have betrayed my salon. (ALL SCREAM) He's trying to kill himself! Scrappy! I deserve this. No, no. Just... Just... Easy on the ladies. I didn't mind. Take care, Mrs Paulson. She did not mind. Let me disinfect the scissors so someone else can make someone else silky smooth. I'll just clean up. (PHONE RINGS) Rafaela's Salon. What? No! No! (SPEAKS ARABIC) Debbie, she quit. What? Sorry. Claude, did you know about this? I should've told you. She's been looking for a job since the rent guys came around. Then why you no say nothing, little bitch! Meow, meow, meow. Don't worry, I'm not giving up on this place. You're a good guy, habibi. I just... I don't know what to do. So let's go. Scrappy, I have enough problems right now. I not the problem. I the solution. I fix! But if you screw up... I can't afford a screw up right now. No, no, no. I no screw up. I am the best for the job. But you push and push. "When is my turn"? I have to care about salon. No, no, no. No, no, no. You care about you. And don't fight in front of the customer! Mrs Skitzer, I am afraid our stylist is out today. Would you care to wait for Claude? Erm, does he do hair? Er,... he's not... a regular. Well, that's fine. She say... I mean, only if it's OK with Dalia. OK. You... will not regret this decision. Mrs Skitzer, let's cut your hair. Just lay back, Mrs Skitzer. I'll take care of everything. Oh, thank you! Thank you. Sexy woman like you deserves to be pampered. Me, sexy? Sure. Don't be humble. You've got the ass and tits of a schoolgirl and you know it. (LAUGHS) And everyone else knows this, too, believe me. Oh. (LAUGHS) Yes. Let me get your earring off. # "Strip" - Adam Ant # It's at times like this # The great heaven knows # We wish we had not so many clothes # So let's loosen up # With a playful tease # Like all lovers did through the centuries # We're just following ancient history # If I strip for you, will you strip for me? # We're just following ancient history # If I strip for you, will you strip for me? # When it gets so hot, the end of the day # You may find your clothes getting in the way # If a pretty dress hides your true desire # Fold it nice and slow, throw it on the fire # Don't freeze up, girl # You're looking quite a sight # Be generous # I want it all tonight # Don't freeze up, girl # You're looking quite a sight # Oh, you gotta... # I want it all tonight # Don't freeze up, girl # You're looking quite a sight... # (GASPS) I love it! Of course you do. I make you silky smooth. I tell you this. Alright, Scrappy. You can cut Debbie's clients today. If they want you. Thank you. I'll get to you all soon as I'm all the way done with Mrs Skitzer. Ohh! That all you got, Mrs Skitzer? Come on, baby! Go, baby! Yes! Yes! (MOANS) Ohh. (SQUEALS) So who's next? (QUIET CHATTER) # "Pump Up The Jam" - Technotronic # Pump up the jam, pump it up # While your feet are stompin' # And the jam is pumpin' Look at here the crowd is jumpin' # Pump it up a little more, get the party going on the dance floor # See cos that's where the party's at and you'll find out if you do that # I want a place to stay # Get your booty on the floor tonight. Make my day. (ECSTATIC SCREAMING) # I want a place to stay... It's a lot of speakers. Yes. Yes. (GASPS) It's orgasmic! (MOUTHS) (ECSTATIC SCREAMING) # Yo, pump up the jam, pump it up... (SCREAMS) Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Whoooo! (ECSTATIC SCREAMING) # I want a place to stay... For you. Yes. # I want a place to stay # Get your booty on the floor tonight Make my day # Make my day # Make my, make my, make, make my day # Make my day... No. I am sorry, Mr Paul Mitchell. Hear me out, Scrappy, please. I'll give you stock options. I'll name a shampoo after you. No, my loyalty is to here. I will destroy you. I heard about this place from Joanne. You have to ask for Scrappy. Yes, is the primary cardholder present? Excuse me? Hello, I am calling from Spiegel catalogue. Are you between the ages of 18 and 39? We're trying to talk here. Have you ordered from catalogue in past six months? Get off the phone while you drive. What's the matter! I trying to make a living, do my job. This is your job! This is job also! This is not Iraq. I am Palestine, I'm not Iraq! And you're not getting a tip. And you are a stupid cow! And we're done. OK, you, skedaddle. Thanks so much. I'll see you later. Alright. This redhead you just cut, beautiful. Yeah. So did you make sticky with her? No. Why don't you go after the snatchachim in this place? They all want you, believe me. Scrappy, I wouldn't be so sure. I'm telling you, you're not picking up the signs. Come with me. I'll show you a technique. It's beautiful. Mrs Haynes! How are you? You want the cut and colour today? Yes, please. Thanks. You see? She's going with it. It's good. Yep. She has a free shoulder. Come join. I'm good. Mrs Haynes, you're getting cold here. Claude, come. Keep her warm. Go ahead. Yes. And gently move. Gently move the shoulder. All you want to do is let her know you're here for her. Now look away like you're not even doing it. We're not doing this. Push. Push. Push. The Mrs Haynes sandwich! I am trying to make money to start my own business, huh? Would you say you read Spiegel once a month, twice... Would you just get us to the hair salon? We'll miss our appointment! I curse you, and I curse your hair! What is big deal about this hair place, anyway? They get worse every year. We'll take them to the truck. We'll just talk to them. But we'll find... Did you throw this shoe at me, my friend? No? Sure looks like it was you. Then who threw it? OK. You're lucky I'm in good mood. I'll let you off the hook. Nobody spits on me. Aghhh! Thank you for the goat, my friend. Goat? Goat! Goat! Goat! Goat. I said, "Can we have the receipt?" Yes. Die in hell. Welcome! We'll colour your hair Bling-Bling Blond. This is what you need. You know what else they go for? The... I don't know what you have, but mine is the biggest. This... It does not get bigger than this. It's enormous. Scary. I mean... oof! What? I have the biggest. It's the biggest. Take a look at this. Look. It's not that big. It's not that...? No, no, no. The bush. The bush is the biggest. And the girls like this cos it's cushion. It is no bullshaklaga! He is the one! I never forget a face! So, what do you want I do? Wait. I conference you. (CELLPHONE RINGS) Hello? Nasi, emergency meeting. You're on with Hamdi, as well. Hello, Nasi. Hello, Hamdi. Can you believe how much they pay Delgado! Yes! Why Mets do this? This is serious. We meet! I explain why is emergency. This is not just man who take my goat. Zohan Dvir. Yes. Everyone think Phantom kill him. Phantom not kill him. We will capture, then make trade with Israel. We will be heroes. But, Salim, we are not Jihadim. We don't know for sure that this is him! Let's call Hamas, Hezbollah, let them handle this. Leave it to the pros! No! Hezbollah shmezbollah! Hezbollah will take all the credit. This is our shot! Why not let Phantom capture him! Screw Phantom! He hero already. Where's my chain of muchentuchen restaurants? Huh? Salim, don't make this about yourself. This is about me! And about him! And about my goat! Come on, let's go! This is nice, the walking inside the outside. The park, the people, the horses, the kid. Well, you're always downtown. You should see more of New York. Yes, yes, this is good. The talking together is always good to get to know each other before the bang-boom. I like this. Oh, no, no. There will be no bang-booming. Oh. I just wanted to thank you for saving my business. This isn't a date. No, no, no. Just I feel you have helped me so much... The right thing to do is to tap you so hard, my schtitzel will come out your poopech. (LAUGHS) Look, why don't we just enjoy the park? No, no, no. This is what we do. Hey, look, softball! You like softball? Of course, I love softball. What is softball? Teach me how to. (LAUGHS) I learned softball when I came to the States. When you're Arab, it helps to fit in. Yeah, how long you move here ago? Just a few years ago. I couldn't take it there any more. All the hate, on both sides. Yes, especially yours. Why you say this? You don't know. No, no, I don't. I read this. The Australian-Tibet media is very biased. Look, both sides crazy. My own family... (LAUGHS) My brother, if he knew I work cross street from Israelis, he would lose it. Really? You have the hardcores on both sides. They just want to fight and fight. Nobody will win this way. It has to stop. When will it end, eh? Yes. OK, so you must be thirsty, no? Here. Where you get this? Ah, this? From specialty shop on West Side. This Middle Eastern drink. You know this? Fizzy Bubblech? No, no, no. It looks pretty good. Oh, try, try. It's very good. Try, have a sip. (GULPS) It's not for me. No! Really? This is his shop. Here is photo for compare. For how long this take! I close the newsstand. Make sure you ask him if he ever hit by shoe. And about the prize goat that can fetch a bowl of onion soup. Look in his eyes when you ask him this, for they will be suffering. You know, I just got haircut. Go! Look at this. I feel like Hugh Hefner with all you little bunnies around here. (ALL LAUGH) OK, OK, lets see who is going next. "Jorge Posada", where are you? That's me. OK, good-looking guy, you take a seat there. You're next. You know you look like you already just got haircut. No, no... So, I guessing you're looking for something in the silky smooth area. Well... Because I see you have nice curls. You don't want to cut into those curls. We will talk about this when we go over there. OK, Scrappy, I wait. Is not like I have a shoe to throw. Sure. Yes. Beautiful. Whatever. I don't have time to go watch a goat fetch soap. What? What?! I don't know. Listen, my friend, you want to talk it's good, but you have to wait your turn. First I have to cut and bang Mrs Greenhouse. That's right. (HORN BLARES) Well, I'm ready for it. Oh dear. Oh... I am sorry, Mrs Greenhouse. I am not man enough for you today. Oh, Scrappy, it's fine. I don't know what the problem is. I am going to lose business. Oh no, dear. You're still adorable. The screwing was really just a bonus. You are an angel, Mrs Greenhouse. (GIGGLES) An angel with the flexibility of a circus freak. Oh, Scrappy! No, that could work. One more, please. (SLAP) Oh! Let's see what we got... And we're still nothing. Well? He was very cool. Idiot! What did he say? He think I have nice curls that go well with a full face. But was it him! Well, it looked like him. But hard to know. I tell you this, he didn't seem to care when I talk about the goat fetching soap. Soup. The goat fetched soup! You ruin everything! Soup! This makes no sense. Screw you! It's him! I know it's him! The goat fetched soup? This is unbelievable. Go to hell! You said it was urgent. It's an emergency. Please, take a look. Whoa! Yes, yes. Well, that's not a real problem. You can always shave it. No, not the bush! No, inside the bush! Look deeper! Him! He lays in there all day long! Maybe it needs some more oxygen. It looks like it's being strangled. So the Palestinian says to the priest, "OK, but let's skip the bath." Why, are they not clean? No, is good joke. Honey, are you all right! You've been in there for over an hour. What is this stuff? I took one sip and I repainted the whole toilet. Is Fizzy Bubblech. You'll get used to it. I don't wanna get used to it. My car couldn't get used to it. All right, that's it for me. I'm done. What? What? Is everything all right! Is it about the peepee? Stop it. The peepee? He can't do with his peepeechosetz. Really! He's usually as hard as trigonometry. Mom. What... When did this happen! The last few days. Of course. It's ever since you went out with that Dahlia. Your hog is telling you something. She must be the one. The one? Is this possible? Of course it's possible, man! All the beauties in the world and he falls for Palestinian muffich. Why should Scrappy care if she's Palestinian? He's from Australia and Tibet. He's not Israeli. No, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. Exactly. What was that, a motor boat? You know, Scrappy, a special woman is special no matter where she's from. Someone special. Maybe is good? It's good? It's terrific! I mean, you know, you guys won't be together anymore... But Scrappy is in love. That's great, awesome. Thank you for your support, young man. Is a good boy. Good boy. This is fun. Lets celebrate. Where's the cat? Let's catsack! Throw it to me. Got you. Let's play, man. (ALL CHEER / CAT SCREECHES) Look at you. I wanna try it. (ALL LAUGH) "Welcome to Hezbollah phone line." "For membership information press one." "For negotiation update press two." "For bonus mile information press three." "For terrorist supplies press four." "We have currently suspended our terrorist supply service as we are engaged in negotiations with Israel." "We will resume service as soon as negotiations break down. Thank you." Great. Come on. Just think of a bomb. They say you can make bomb from everyday's material. You combine. Yes, OK. But what we combination? Huh? Just think of chemicals. Chemicals, like in science class.! Yes. Who remembers this stuff? Shh! 1 Hello. Well, can I help you fellas find anything? Yes, do you have... (STRUGGLES TO PRONOUNCE) "Liquid nitrogen." You need what? "Liquid nitrogen." Yeah. Well, I suppose we have some of that. Now, just a moment... This is it? Yes, and that's the large container. This works? Oh, it works quite well, yes. You use? From time to time, sure. We'll take 12. Look, you can turn off the water. But we will find a way to keep on going. You like when I spray you, Mrs, Skitzer? Where's the $14,000? I have your rent right here. There is no getting rid of me. We don't wanna get rid of you. Mr Walbridge would actually like to relocate your salon in our new mall. You mean the one you want to destroy this community to build? It is not our intent to destroy this community. I'll take the community, Pancake. My name is Gray and I'll be back. Nice to meet you, Pancake. Why Pancake? Just for fun. You were amazing right there. Oh my God... What? I have one. What? I have zikpah. Look at it. It is you! Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this. I cannot make sticky with anyone else. You are the special one. I will only be stiff for you. Who is Steve? Stiff with an "F". Oh! Stiff. Stiff. Yes. OK... I know you meant that in a good way... The best of ways. So, thank you. Thank you. Is crazy. This has never happened. One woman, one zikpah, one life. (ALL LAUGH) You see his face! Scared Israeli son of bitch. Salim, this is not bomb. What you mean "not bomb"?! It's grade A liquid nitrogen. Guys, I really need to go home. Inaz have a soccer match in the morning. I am hero! Salim, this not bomb. It just go "moosh". Well, just go with it. I scraped some off the window. Maybe you know what is? (SNIFFS) It's Neosporin, it's nothing. I use it for cuts and genital sores. We're beginning to think maybe someone out to get the Zo... The Scrappy. You mean like a competing salon? That's heavy. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. Well I... No, she likes the tongue in the ear. Oh, I like that, I like that. Close with the brenski. Get some saliva on those bad boys. She likes it, huh? Of course she likes it. I could look for clues. It's my shift for community night watch. The what? The communism tight crotch? It's the community night watch program. People in the neighbourhood patrolling it. We kick some ass. Why don't you let Scrappy Coco take your shift tonight! I bet he'd be good at this. Oori... What? For clues. I know it sounds scary, Scrappy, but you are gonna be just fine. Maybe I can manage one night. Maybe you can pretzel some people. Thank you for getting the hummus. The hummus! Where's Patches! Patches! I'm terrified right now. I'm totally terrified. Shitting my pants doesn't come close to describing it. I wish I was shitting my pants. It's just a patrol. What if something goes down? I don't know if I'd have the courage to do something. What if something goes down and someone got killed? I would have to live with that. I'd be happier shitting my pants. Let's go. We're supposed to call the police. No. No time! Drop the paint. Get out of here Ahab, or I'll cut your eyes out. Maybe we should let him finish. No, no, no. What you cut my eyes out with, the Neosporin? My blade, camel jockey. My friend, the beating I give you if you stop the spraying is much less than the beating I give you if you try to cut me. (ALL LAUGH) (LAUGHS) What are you laughing at? That was just with everyone. (THUMPING) They had it coming to them, right? Yeah. Yeah, it seemed like it. Yeah. OK, you take it from here. I got it. Everything's gonna be OK. What you gotta say about that, huh? You're telling me our guys can't handle some neighbourhood nightwatching losers? We can't even put a scare into these people? The main guy who got in the way is the same one who's bringing old biddies into Rafaela Salon. My aunt goes. She says besides the sex the guy gives a good haircut. Don't talk to me about that dump! I've got a huge classy hotel standing there and it's staring at that cheap garbage. I want it staring at the Supercuts. Has anyone made any headway with any of these foreign people? I spoke to the manager of Going Out Of Business again yesterday. I stated our price and the urgency of the matter and he offered me two thirds less and a Toshiba DVD player. Everything Must Go were just as difficult. They offered me a Bluray disc and a jar of hummus. What's hummus!? It's a very tasty... ..diarrhoea-like substance. Grant Walbridge has a vision. A vision for Lower Manhattan to have the first indoor mall with its own 300 foot roller coaster. You know, you're lucky I have a world-class super hot girlfriend with a perfectly proportioned ass to breast ratio, or I'd be furious. She is smoking, sir. I'd pay anything to spend an hour with her, sir. Let me in on that. Well, thank you. But if you bitches can't get those people out, I will find other people who will get the job done. However, whenever. Wal... ..bridge! (APPLAUSE) (ANGRY SHOUTING) Why did you do this to Naseef's store, huh? Why you blame the Israelis? We come to work, go out of business. Is not Israeli who do this. I do community watch. It's all taken care of. Not Israeli? Who else would write "Arab go home"? Oh, I don't know, just maybe 99 per cent of the world. (ALL) Oh! Come on, come on. You guys get along here, stop this. Yeah, it's OK. It's just there, the war is never going to end. You know, we were so close to peace before the asshole shot Rabin. Bush, he see the big picture. Bush, no want peace he set it all back. What about Bush's wife? This is a wife I would get sticky with. I would do this. I would do this. What about Clinton? I would do Hillary. The big legs. Yeah, she look strict, like she's going to teach me a lesson. You know what's funny? I like Chelsea. You're crazy. She has beautiful legs. If I want legs I'll take Obama's wife. She has legs. This is what happens when they talk politics. No, wife of McCain! She has the ass and you know she's not getting any. 1 I understand my assistant explained the job to you. He told us. You wanna get some people out your building so you can build some kind of roller coaster mall. Sir, I just wanna thank you for this opportunity. It's a gift to mess with the Jews and the terrorists on the same night. I mean it's like... ..it's like Christmas in July. It's like Christmas in July. "Right now we are scheduled to sabotage a black peoples' parade in Chicago but we can move that." Well, I'm not really quite sure how you move a parade. That's easy, it's just a phone call. Well, we'll be calling back to make the arrangements. "Can I just say that I don't like most rich people but you get it." "We built this country on the right to bear arms." "Now they're trying to tell me how many bullets my gun can shoot per second. They're trying to tell me whether I can stockpile weapons in the shed behind my house." Anyway, you're a rich guy that gets it. You and Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson. Not too shabby. "Welcome to Hezbollah customer service." "All lines are busy now." "Your call will be received in (SCREAMS) minutes." Come on with this. How we find Phantom! He probably hang at the Muchentuchen restaurant. OK, but which? He have like 200. Probably in Amman. In downtown he get the hottest poochibaba. What's the area code of Amman! (SPEAKS ARABIC) (SPEAKS ARABIC) (SPEAKS ARABIC) (CONTINUES SPEAKING ARABIC) (CONTINUES) (FINISHES SPEAKING) (PHONE RINGS) Hello. Phantom Muchentuchen. I find the Zohan. You not kill the Zohan. I kill the Zohan. No you did not. I find him in America. I prove. I send you picture on cell. OK. Bring this. I am bringing. "You see?" But the hairstyle it is hideous. This is same Zohan. He look like guy from Who's the Boss? Look, this is same Zohan. Everybody think you big hero. But I tell everyone you not big hero. OK, OK, OK! What you want, huh? I want Muchentuchen restaurant chain. No! But if I tell you no have chain anyway. So you not give any incentive. OK. I want 50 per cent of Muchentuchen chain. We call it Phantom and Salim Muchentuchen. No. 25 per cent. No. I want yoghurt shop attached to store like food court. OK. I get profits from store. No. Some profits. No. I get free yoghurt. OK. Within reason. And I want some of your wives. 20. No. I sleep with one wife. No. She give one peepee touch. OK. (CHEERS) (ALL SING) My friends, look what I do. I hook you all up with tickets. This Walbridge guy's trying to kiss salon's ass so he give me 20 tickets hackyside. Very nice. Hassan, you see this? This is where you're going to be when Israel kick your ass. No, you're gonna give it up like you give up Gaza Strip, huh? Excuse us. I have to show you this. Listen to Fatima Zaad's gossip column on Page Nine. "A hall of fame terrorist is visiting New York... and not for the Muchentuchen." Phantom's coming to the City? There's more. "He's coming to hacky sack a certain scrappy Israeli who says he cuts hair but really cuts terrorist." He's ruined everything! Why you say! You the Zohan. He come to hacky sack, you take him out. I don't care. I come here to start new life. Get new woman to love and make the bangboom. Now my life's followed me here. Maybe Phantom no care any more. (ALARM CLOCK BEEPS) (ROCKY THEME TUNE) Mooooo! (ROCKY THEME TUNE) Wow! You're an Israeli counterterrorist? I knew it. What? Well, the Israeli part. Because he's circumcised. How is Dahlia going to forgive me! I'm liar. She Palestinian, I'm no Australian. You know, Scrappy... I mean Zohard. If there's one thing I've learned from all my relationships with Jewish men, Puerto Rican men, aborigines... (GROANS) ..you can't have secrets in a relationship. You tell her the truth, and if she really is this special one everything will work out just fine. I like this. I am sorry I not tell you the truth before I make you fall head over tits for me. But believe me, I am wanting you even more. I know you're not from where you say. I see how you look at the Fizzy Bubblech. Then why you like this! Is it because I Israel and you Palestine? Come on, tell me in my face. Zohan, you're not just Israel. You Israel. But you say hate is stupid. That's why you run to America to get away from the hate and the fighting. I was even thinking we let all this cool down, I go out and get us a house over there. We move in together, we cut the hair, make the children, cut the children's hair. Zohan, I can't. I have open mind, but you Israeli counterterrorist. No, no, no. I no do this any more. You put the fork in the fat lady, it's over. She's had enough to eat. This is a promise. It doesn't matter. You don't know my family. Or maybe you do. What does this mean? Just leave. Please, it can't be. Maybe is for best. You deserve a safe life. But know... ..you will always be my special one. Zohan... Dahlia! I got you a gift. A gift? They come out with new book? Yes. They do it every 21 years I think. Just a slight update from yours. No feathering? Or scrunching? Where's the style? But this nice gesture. Thank you. Goodbye, Zohan. Goodbye. Goodbye. 1 I'm sorry it didn't work out. Me too. You still go to Hacky Sack? Yes, it's better I find him than he finds me. I got your back. I get you best army guys in city. No, no, no. I handle this alone. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Let's go. (PHONE RINGS) Go. Go, go, go. "Ladies and gentlemen, here are your Israeli Blue Stars and your Lebanese Trees!" (APPLAUSE / CHEERING) Fizzy Bubblech. (CHEERING) (BOOING) (CHEERING) What's with the cheers? Wasn't that guy a terrorist? People used to boo you too, John, you remember. I wasn't a terrorist. You were pretty bad. I brought this great event to New York to tell the world that New York loves its immigrant-types from the Middle East. My hot girlfriend and I know that we can all get along, whether you're white or brown or khaki, whatever that colour is. And here to sing the American national anthem, a superstar we all love, Mariah Carey! (CHEERING) # O, say can you see # By the dawn's early light... # "Goal!" "And disco break!" (DISCO MUSIC BLARES) Ow... Ok. Mariah. Couple more. This one's from Sheik Fayalah of Lebanon. He wants you to write "All I want for Ramadan is you." OK, this again... I know. There's a Mr Phantom here to see you. Who's Phantom, a dude trying to be a rapper? He says he's a killing machine. Whatever. OK. Miss Mariah Carey. It is a pleasure to meet you. Thank you. Nice to meet you. Hi, how are you? Miss Carey, your high notes are so beautiful, like a Scud missile soaring towards its target. Thank you. That's really nice. So you know I'm not dead? (SCREAMS) Oh, I sorry I startle. I was not startle. I saw a bee. There's a bee! I'm allergic. It's not even funny. The bee's gone. He's gone. Mariah, believe me, there's no bee. I'm allergic. No, no. The bee, forget the bee. The bee is made up, it's fiction. It was a black wasp! ..promising me that there was no bee here. There was no bee. He says the bee so he can look more like a person who would not scream like this. Are you sure? I promise you. I beg your cleavage's pardon. We will be out of your bouncy hair in a jiffy. Is between us. I was going to kill you tomorrow. But I guess jackass can't wait to die for real. (PHONE RINGS) Hang on I'm getting a call. Michael, what is? "Zohan, we have a problem here." Where you get that! This is a Sony Ericsson. It has Bluetooth? Of course it has Bluetooth. I can never figure that Bluetooth shit out. No, it's very simple. You sync it to your PowerBook. Phantom will tell you. Mac or PC? (BOTH) Mac. You have MySpace? The record company does. It's not really mine. Please add me as a friend. Sure, yeah, yeah. Michael, what is? "There's a bunch of guys and they are lighting fires and it's getting pretty bad." (SMASH) No! Stay where you are. "Yeah, we'll stay up here." What? Where you go?! I have bigger fish to swim. Mariah, I love the newest album. Thank you. (SMASH) The Zohan! My pita shop! They burned it down! (FURIOUS SHOUTING) (ALL SHOUTING) Why you do this?! We no do this. We at Hacky Sack as much as the next guy. I wish that we should do this after you write that shit on my wall. (ALL SHOUT) Across street! Waleed! My store! You people ruined my store. What I miss! I was stuck on West Broadway. The Israeli burned down my store! I save store. Then I kill the Zohan. (ALL CHEER) He can't do this alone. Don't back down. Kick its ass. (SMASH) Phantom... Why you help me! Because I'm through with this. I no more fight. You do whatever you want but I no fight back. It's trick, huh? No. (THUMP) Fight back. No. Fight back! No. (CLANG) Fight back, Zohan! (CLANG) No. This is not fun for anybody! Why you not fight back? Because he know better. He show you he change. Sister? When you gonna grow up Fatoush? (ALL) Fatoush?! No, no, no, Fatoush. (ALL LAUGH) Is Phantom now. And is my business. Is my man, Fatoush. You're my woman? You Phantom's sister? You tapping the Zohan? You settle for a peepee touch? I wouldn't say "settle." It was negotiation. Shh! Fatoush is talking! Yes. I am Phantom's sister. And no, Fatoush, I am not tapping the Zohan. But I think I love him. This is good. Of course you love me. I'm very good man. (SCREAMS) Brother, here in America we're the same. We just people trying to get jobs cutting hair, driving cabs, selling crappy stereo equipment. Hey. Is Sony. Whatever. The point is we are thousands of miles away from all this hate, and we live together just fine. We do. We do. Come on people. Where is the hate! Anyone? I resent. Resent is good. What? What do you resent? People don't like us. Come on, is not easy for us. People don't like us too. Why? Because they think we are you. We do look alike. You got to admit this. Come on. Waleed, looks Mexican to be honest. (ALL LAUGH) You know, ever since the stupid terrorists, everyone in America think we are terrorists. Look, Bashir, no offence, but if you sat next to me on a plane I might want to get off too. (ALL LAUGH) But how could I not hate, when you stole my goat? I am sorry about your goat. He was a good goat. I treat him like member of the family. Really? Yes. Did you rub his chin? Like this. Yes, sometimes for hours. He would make face if I stop. He make the face? Oh, the face. The face! That's it, that's it. That looks just like him. As long as he was happy. Is good. Very happy. (BOOM) Holy shichumetz. I see what is. Those are cool. Who make this? You see this? Bastard landlord! He tell us go to Hacky Sack game so he can make it look like we burn each other's store. To make us look like we enemies. This the real enemy. I thought the whole place was going down. Oh, we're waiting on them, sir. We're drawing them closer like a hungry homo to a hotdog factory. Get weapons from truck. No. I wanna minimise collateral damage. I do this alone. I do this alone. We do this together. I go myself. Oh, no, no. Listen. Come on already, big guy. Let it go. We're on the same side here. Don't "big guy" me, big guy. You think I didn't want to run to America like you did, is no pressure here. What?! All I ever wanted since high school was to go to States and.. What? This hard to say. Tell me what is. And sell shoes. (WHISPERS) I love shoes. No. That's great. I love to cut hair. There is nothing wrong with that. Tell my parents. I hear you. They don't understand. Parents, they never do! They think they're clever! You guys going or what?! Yes. OK, we go. Soup's on, boys. (ALL CHEER) What kind of shoes you like? Rockport, Ferragamo, the classics. You should maybe try Hugo Boss, huh? No, no, no. They always cover the toes. You stylist, you buy some style shoes. Oh, yes, but I'm looking for function too. Try mine. It's Kenneth Cole. Square toe. (WHACK) Ooh, it is nice. This is a fashion but you can wear to work also. Yes. Hey, to be honest it's a little tight. Let me measure. (WHACK) I'm ready for you. OK, checking the width. Triple E. This is a big foot, huh? You win again. Is not a competition. I do need to cut my nails. We don't know what set off this fight. It's apparently between Middle Eastern merchants. Let's get some insight. They is no Middle East. Is all fake. Is the landlord, the Walbridge guy. He pay - "Grant Walbridge the developer?" Damn it! Mariah Carey I love you. I love you. I find you, Mariah. I come to where you are. I love you too, horny little man. Buy my new album. Zohan. He has a bomb! And puppies! No! I'm gonna blow up this block. I'm gonna blow you up, I'm gonna blow up these puppies, and we all going to hell together because I hate these puppies. We have no time. We have to make the sonic power. You mean the sound? Yes. But Arab and Jews have not made sound for thousands of years. Now is time, my friend. Thirty seconds! You can't do nothing about it, Rabbi Towelhead. (START SINGING) No, no, no. Let me take the melody, you go harmony. Yes. OK, OK. (HIGH PITCH SOUND) (SMASHING) (SMASH) Well, hello, stranger. Care for some chips? (SMASH) (ALL) Puppies! That dog is incredibly cute! Did you bring that dog! Listen, I'm Grant Walbridge. This is all a mistake and - (SMASH) (POP) No! My life is ruined! They were perfect! The ratio! Why! (CONTINUES NOISE) No, no, no. Stop. (SMASH) What the heck are you doing?! Why you do this? Sorry. Sorry. I got excited. OK we fix. We make mall but this... It's fine. Yes, it's fine. We'll be fine. It's all b'seder. Goat rides! Everybody, goat ride! The most wonderful goat in the world. I'm almost done. I love it. Yes, of course you do. I had fun shampooing your hair, but I'd rather be licking it off those melons. I knew he had it in him. Yeah, he sounds like his mother. Maybe I'll bleach your nipples, slap you in your face. Now he's gone too far. That was disturbing. Too much. Zohan, can you help this woman? Of course. You know, if I was not married to you this is the bootachem I would go all night long... Hello, Zohan. So, this is where you work. Yes, Abba. And this is your Palestinian wife? Yes, Abba. Does she know you're a faygeleh? (ALL LAUGH) I see. This is because... Congratulations. Now, cut my hair. Yes. Yes. Yes! Captions by IMS Subtitles. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018