1 FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC RAPS: # On a tiny little island at the bottom of the world, there's two funny boys and a funny little girl. # Who's got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet? # Always looking for adventure and a place to run around, # they know where there's mystery and magic to be found. # They've got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet. # So you wanna join the club? You wanna save the Earth? You wanna show your bravery? # Show just what you're worth? So kick off your shoes and release your feet. Yell it out the window. # Yell it in the street, like... # ...we're the Bandits, Barefoot Bandits. # They've got bare feet. Where's those bare feet? 10-toed bare feet. Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # Barefoot Bandits here! # Argh! Copyright Able 2016. MYSTERIOUS MUSIC Well, what a pleasant-ish,... uh, looking... vegetable garden, uh, you have, Mr Slab, here. Nice. Yeah, it's my pride and joy. Which is why I'm not using that stuff ` I don't trust it. Oh, nonsense. What's not to trust about a toxic-waste corporation developing garden fertilisers? Look, it's got all these important-sounding chemicals in it ` Draculin, vomitoxin, diabolic acid. And look, it's all glowy. Hmm. I'm not convinced. Oh, look, don't be difficult, Mr Slab. The nice people at Toxi-corp were kind enough to choose us for test trials. We're the first in the world, Mr Slab. First. I've never been first at anything. I need this! (GROWLS) Plus, look at how proud you were of that humongous kumara you grew. (CHUCKLES) Kenny. Yes. You... You could easily grow 50 more kumaras like Kenny. This stuff might help you grow an enormous portobello mushroom. (CHUCKLES) Imagine that. It would look like it's got a massive sombrero on it. (CHUCKLES) Shading you from the copious amounts of sun. Oh. I'm enjoying the visual on that one. (TUTS, GROWLS) There you go. I mean, what harm can that do? RUMBLING (CHUCKLES) (GROWLS) EERIE MUSIC CRICKETS CHIRP WATER SPLASHES I really shouldn't be swimming all by myself in a mysterious lagoon. But I'm just so wild and free. And the darkness makes it safer. (HUMS) Night swimming is fun. Such a pretty summer. (HUMS) (GASPS) Bobby Joe? Is that you? (GASPS) Bobby Joe's shoe. Is that you? (GROWLS) (SCREAMS) STATIC HISSES Hey! Hello? Sorry. My finger fell on to the pause button. Not out of fear; uh, just out of hunger, because I'm hungry cos I've gotta get home. It's Mexican night tonight, and Mum's making el meatloafe... and gravy. Yup. Oh, what's the matter, Fridgie poo (?) Are you scared a sea creature will see you in your itty bitty bikini (!) I told you ` that wasn't a bikini; it was a boy's two-piece. They exist. Oh, come on, bro. Let's finish the movie. Then next time, you can pick the movie. We can watch Donkey Dancing. You love that dancing donkey. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) That dancing donkey is a hoot. (LAUGHS) He dances and he's a donkey. What's not to love? But... no, I must go. Dinner is ready, and my stomach is a-hungry. (RUMBLES) There. See? Plus, if I miss out on dinner, I will be insufferable for days. All good, bro. See you tomorrow. DOOR SQUEAKS > So, he was scared of the movie, right? Every time. Yeah, I thought so. MYSTERIOUS MUSIC Pfft. Scary movies. So unrealistic. CRICKETS CHIRP Who would be out... all alone at night... BUBBLING ...by themselves? BUBBLING STOMACH RUMBLES (GASPS) Now you speak up. Shush, tumbly tum. Shush your noise. RUSTLING Hello? Who's there? Be warned ` I am not much of a runner. Oh, I have a choccy bar. I don't normally part with my walking snacks, but take it. It's yours. HEAVY BREATHING, GROWLING Oh, it's nothing. It's probably just a cute hedgehog. But hedgehogs have spikes. What if it spikes me? What if it's a were-hog? (WHIMPERS) GROWLING GROWLING (SCREAMS) (GASPS) That sounded like Fridge. (SIGHS) He probably got home and they didn't have appetisers. He always screams when there's nothing for starters. (GIGGLES, SIGHS) Or he got eaten by a sea creature. Ooh! (LAUGHS) BOTH LAUGH Stupid Fridge. (GIGGLES) Yeah. Come on. I guess we'd better go check, eh? (SIGHS) 1 Fridge! Fridge? Are you there, bro? (GASPS) Half a chocolate bar. Fridge never leaves half of anything. Fridge! Uh, either that bush has a butt... or Fridge is hiding in it. CRICKETS CHIRP Oi. What are you doing, egg? WHISPERS: Shh. You'll scare him. What the...? Whoa. (BABBLES) Hi there, little guy. Hey. I think it's an eggplant. I usually hate eggplant. It's got a weird texture. I just can't take to it, but I quite like this one. (GRIZZLES, GURGLES) CRICKETS CHIRP I scared him when I screamed bloody murder, but he seems to be warming to me now. So weird... and cute. Aw. Who's a cute little weirdo? Who's a cute little weirdo. You are. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, you're cute. Because it's an eggplant, I've named him Greg. Greg! Because it rhymes with egg. Egg! Nice. No, because my Uncle Greg has really bad circulation problems, and by 4pm every day, he's turned mega purple. Ooh. Right (!) Well, as cute as he is, this isn't normal. We should be careful. He might be diseased. (GROWLS) Ah, come on. A vegetable never harmed anyone. GROWLING (GROWLS) Ooh, it's another one. (GROWLS) I don't think that's a nice one. (GROWLS) (GRUNTS) See ya! THUD! CRICKETS CHIRP GROWLING ALL GROWL ALL: Argh! ALL GROWL SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CRICKETS CHIRP (GROWLS) (GROWLS) ALL GROWL SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES ALL GROWL MUSIC CONTINUES GROWLING CONTINUES MUSIC CRESCENDOES CRICKETS CHIRP So, I put our name down for this new service. > Ooh, really? Yes. Every week, they deliver a box of organic vegetables right to our door. > So you can look forward to a lot more home-cooked meals. (GASPS) HORROR-MOVIE MUSIC I can make your favourite dessert ` zucchini custard. > KNOCK AT DOOR Ooh. That might be it now. Ooh. OK. Can you get that, darl? > Bit late to be making deliveries. (GASPS) ALL GROWL Nope. ALL GROWL (GRUNTS) Sweetheart, those veggies you ordered have gone bad. < (SIGHS) Typical. (GRUNTS) If you could pass me a rolling pin, that would be great. Preferably a big one. DRAMATIC MUSIC (SIGHS) All right. Assemble the crew, first mate. (GRUFFLY) 'Aye aye, Captain Gobb.' Good. Good. Now, men, listen up. Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being lost at sea forever. (GRUFFLY) 'Oh, yes, captain.' Excellent. Now, first mate, set a course for adventure. (BUBBLES) (BUBBLES) BUBBLING Oh, captain, captain! The sea's boiling like a witch's cauldron! Oh, hold tight, men! I'll save you! Mr Gobb, call the army. Killer vegetables! Mutant carrots! But hopefully aliens. Whoa! Hey, excuse me, this is actually my private time. Who keeps letting kids in here, anyway? I'm sure I locked` Did you pick that lock? No time to explain, Mr Gobb. There's killer zombie vegetables out there! Oh yeah (!) This just sounds like an elaborate way of you not wanting to eat your vegetables. And that's an issue you need to bring up with your parents ` it's out of my jurisdiction. Don't come in here expecting me to solve it. (GASPS) (GROWLS) What the bell peppers is going on? There's a veritable sea of viciously vile vegetables! Whoa. But what's made them this way? (GASPS) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Mr Slab's garden. What was that? What was what? Don't question me every time I talk. It's not your concern, Tane. This is probably just a natural occurring phenomenon, like deforestation or hummus or my obvious ability to govern. Argh! GROWLING Ew! Broccoli! > GROWLING SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Oh! They've soiled my Jacuzzi! Oh, that's it ` my filters are clogged. I'm gonna have to increase the chlorine levels to get rid of that mess. Or just add a little cream to it and you'll have a lovely cream-of-broccoli soup. No, that's actually interesting. Yes. Maybe a little garlic bread on the side. Argh! They've got me! Hurry! Save yourselves! This captain's going down with the ship! Remember my last words! Oh, actually, save me some soup! ALL GROWL WHISPERS: They took Mayor Gobb! These vegetables are monsters! (GRIZZLES) Not you, Greg. WHISPERS: So, what's the plan? WHISPERS: You heard Mr Gobb ` he said Mr Slab's garden. I bet we'll find some answers there. GROWLING CRASH! (GROWLS) I brought you into this world, and now I'm gonna take you out! ALL GROWL SAW BUZZES Huh? Huh! Oof! (GROWLS) ALL GROWL SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ALL GROWL ALL GROWL ALL GRUMBLE Ah. (GULPS) (WHOOPS) ALL: Argh! (WHOOPS) ALL: Argh! (SNORES) ALL GROWL (SNORES) ALL GROWL (SHRIEKS, GASPS) ALL GROWL SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ALL GROWL THUDDING SPLATTING SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CRICKETS CHIRP DOOR CREAKS (GRUNTS) Get off! Get off! (GROWLS) Humph! Well, that's the last time I order vegetables over the phone. (GROWLS) (SIGHS) Who would've thought I'd be so good at destroying food? (CHUCKLES) Well, you've had a lot of practise. What? Zucchini! (GRUFFLY) Excuse me, hon. This time it's personal. FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH Don't worry, little fella ` Fridgie's got ya. Fridgie! Mr Slab! You here? (GASPS) Argh! Oh no! Poor Mr Slab. Wait a minute. (SNIFFS) Oh yuck. You just did that. OK. It's tomato sauce. What if that had been red paint? What are you kids doing here? We came looking for you. Mr Gobb said something about your garden. Hmm. Yeah, my garden's the source of all this malarkey. It's that ruddy fertiliser Dennis gave me. Something's off about it. Oh, yum, yum, yum. Ah! Mmm-mmm. Ooh, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Someone's hungry. It's me. I'm hungry. (GASPS) Potatoes! GROWLING > Yeah, whatever's handy. I'm not fussy. No, zombie potatoes are coming! ALL GROWL One potato! Two potato! Three potato! Four! GUN COCKS GUN WHINES GUN REVS RATTLING WHOOSHING GUN CLICKS ACTION MUSIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ALL: Argh! MUSIC CONTINUES WHOOSHING FLAMES WHOOSH THUD! MAJESTIC MUSIC POTATOES SIZZLE Anyone got any sour cream and chives? There'll be more soon. They just keep coming. They're all over the island. We need to get somewhere safe. Somewhere we can defend ourselves, make a stand. I know ` the tree house. Excellent idea. But first, we need to tool up. ACTION MUSIC Time to do some gardening. Yes! (GRUNTS) Battle mode Riley activated! (GRUNTS) Barefoot power. I've got the wrong idea, haven't I? We've got wrong idea, Greg. Oh. 1 (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) GUN WHIRRS ACTION MUSIC Oh... my... Gobb. What is it, Fridge? It's Mr Gobb! He's turned! ALL GROWL (GROANS) (CHUCKLE) A good old-fashioned potato to the face should knock him out. BOOM! Argh! (LAUGHS) Bullseye. ALL GROWL (GRUNTS) SPLAT! SPLAT! (GRUNTS) Mr Slab! (GRUNTS) They just keep coming! Ew! Go away! Go away! We need to find a way to destroy all of them permanently. Pity we can't make a soup out of them. That'd be nice. Like in Mr Gobb's hot tub. (GRUNTS) Of course! Fridge, you're a genius! Am I? > But where would we find a hot tub big enough to fit all these vegetables in? (GASPS) I know. BUBBLING The Witches Cauldron. That place freaks me out. Just one problem ` how do we get them there? Well, when it's bath time, my mum leaves a trail of chocolate-coated raisins leading to the bath. I follow it, and I fall in. It happens every time. Ew! Raisins! I only suck the chocolate off. I'm not an animal. Leave a trail? That's a great idea. But what could we use to lure the vegetables? Hmm. BOTH GROWL Something that vegetables like? Gravy! I've got it! Hold on. I'll be right back. GUN WHIRRS GUN WHIRRS RUMBLING Oh yeah! What on earth is that? RUMBLING Oh no. I think it's Kenny. Kenny? The kumara. Yep. He's my prizewinner. RUMBLES (ROARS) Yeah. He's the biggest in his weighing class. Two years running. Where is my son? He's gone. (GASPS) To save us all. DRAMATIC MUSIC (PANTS) (PANTS) (GRUNTS) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CLICK! Huh? (GROWLS) (GRUNTS) Don't make me use these on you, mate! Whatever you're doing, Tane, do it fast. BUBBLING (GRUNTS) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Hmm. MUSIC CONTINUES Argh! (GRUNTS) Huh? THUD! Argh! (GROWLS) Oh, no, you did not just hit my husband. ALL GROWL (GRUNTS) (GASPS, SCREAMS) (ROARS) Put down my wife, you herbaceous perennial vine! (ROARS) Hey! ALL GROWL SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ALL GROWL BUBBLING Huh? (SNIFFS) ALL: Whoa. Argh! (GROWLS) ALL GROWL Argh! (GIGGLES) Wah. What have you guys been up to? ALL GROWL ALL GROWL THUD! THUD! ALL GROWL THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! ALL GROWL SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC THUD! THUD! (GROWLS) MUSIC CONTINUES SPLASH! BUBBLING (GROWLS) (GROWLS) Yep. He's my prizewinner. Is anyone else feeling hungry? Good work, son. I imagine he'll wake up soon. > But best we throw him in the hot pool before he does. Whoa. Whoa. Hold on now. There's no need to dispose of me just because you thought I was a murderous zombie. Jeez. What a bunch of drama queens! Wait. You were just pretending? Of course. Play-acting has been the key to my success in general. I actually woke up about 40 minutes ago. I just rather enjoyed being carried. (GROWLS) Uh, look, so, anyway, in summary, I'm a victim here, like all of us. Fellow Ngaro Islanders, I, your beloved mayor, hereby ban any and all Toxi-corp products from our fair shores. And the directors of said company will be getting a very terse email from me. Yes, that's right, folks. You've heard it here. Their reign of terror is over. GROWLING Argh! My cankle! Wah! Argh! Everybody, play dead! (GASPS) Fridge! (GASPS) Fridgie! (GROWLS) (CHOMPS) SPLASH! Fridgie! SPLASH! Argh! Greg, no! He sacrificed himself for you. What a choice guy! (SIGHS) Mum was right all along ` vegetables are good for you. SAD MUSIC CRICKETS CHIRP (SIGHS) Look at all this mess. It smells like a week-old stir-fry. I must apologise, Mr Slab. If my love of superficial bribes didn't get the better of me, this would never have happened. Well, as long as we get rid of that fertiliser, we should be fine. Oh! No need to worry, Mr Slab. Yep, I've already disposed of that horrible stuff. Right. What did you do with it? Oh, I just poured it all down the drain. Yep. Whoo! Good riddance, I say. ALL GROWL (GROWLS) (GIGGLES) Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016.