1 FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC RAPS: # On a tiny little island at the bottom of the world, there's two funny boys and a funny little girl. # Who's got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet? # Always looking for adventure and a place to run around, # they know where there's mystery and magic to be found. # They've got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet. # So you wanna join the club? You wanna save the Earth? # You wanna show your bravery? Show just what you're worth? So kick off your shoes and release your feet. # Yell it out the window. Yell it in the street, like... # ...we're the Bandits, Barefoot Bandits. # They've got bare feet. Where's those bare feet? 10-toed bare feet. Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # Barefoot Bandits here! # Ooh! UPLIFTING MUSIC MOMENTOUS MUSIC MOMENTOUS MUSIC SWELLS TOOL CRACKLES Ah! I think we're done. Holy! It looks mean as! 'Mean' means 'awesome', Mr Slab. (GROWLS) '(GROWLS)' means 'shush it, Fridge'. Guys, we have our very own Orange Roughy. Oh yeah, we rule! Thank you so much for helping us, Mr Slab. Yeah, no worries, kids. I just hope your dad doesn't mind us borrowing some spare parts. Yeah, nah, he said it was fine. (YAWNS) I can't believe Tumeke Space is actually coming to Ngaro. I'm mildly freaking out about it! But in a good way, not in a bad way like I normally do. Guys, we finally get to meet him in person. It's gonna be choice as. (GASPS) We should try get him to come have a photo in the Orange Roughy with us. Yes! (YELLS) We should do that! FUNKY MUSIC MAJESTIC MUSIC JNR-572, you know what to do. Setting ship speed to 'fast as', sir. BOTH LAUGH Oh, wonder where Riley is. I believe you mean... Wahine Troubles. Whoa! Sweet holo shield. (CHUCKLES) Oh yeah. Whoa, this is it! Let's meet the legend. (GASPS) Holy! Check this place out! I think I wanna live here. Great costumes, kids. Top effort. Thanks, Mr Gobb. You look choice too. What are you? What am I? (SCOFFS) More like, 'Who am I?' I am the ever debonair Fantasy Fox. Fantasy Fox? Yeah, from Fantasy Fox and his Flights of Fancy. You know, the whimsical show about woodland animals who re-enact battles of yore. Cool. Cool's right. I run a fan club where me and my fantasy friends re-enact the re-enactments of the fictional battles from the show. Are your imaginary friends here now? Oh, they're not imaginary friends. I'm not a child. They're fantasy friends, OK? And yes, of course. They're here. Right here. Say hi, guys. MEDIEVAL MUSIC Huh. (GASPS) Oh! HEAVENLY MUSIC A genuine die-cast replica of JNR-572 with light-up face and retractable arms and legs. (GASPS) And it talks. (GASPS) My name is JNR-572. I know what to do. (EXCLAIMS) Bro, it's $400. It's cool. I have the money. How do you have $400? (SCOFFS) I'll have you know that my busking career is proving very lucrative. DREAMY MUSIC (PLAYS OUT OF TUNE) Oh, please! You have to stop! I'll give you $400 if you never play that awful instrument again. Ah! And now it shall be mine! (CACKLES) (GASPS) No way! MOMENTOUS MUSIC There you go, bro. And for an extra 5 bucks, we can run it through the laminator. Chur. (GASPS) It's you! Aue! Sweet Tumeke costume, little fulla. Tumeke Space is the greatest show ever made! Oh, shucks! Too much. Cheers, bro. (GASPS) I love the episode where you turn back time, just by doing burnouts in the Orange Roughy. I like that time you said, 'How even is it?' And JNR replied... It's not even, ow. This thing's already paying for itself. Aw, you kids are too much. Chur. Oh, please! Tumeke Space was the worst thing to happen to science-fiction television since... anything... Name something bad, and it's worse than that. Pfft! Chill out, cuz. I am not your cousin, and I will not adjust my temperature. If you kids want real science-fiction, watch The Time Dentist, written by and starring me ` Bellamy Soddington. You might actually learn something about science and learn the importance of dental hygiene in the process. Uh, that sounds pretty boring. Tumeke Space is cool! Cool, is it? Is that all it takes for something to be good these days? Is it scientifically sound? Is it historically correct? No. It's just cool. Great (!) Let's all go to school and take a class in cool and forget about astronomy and chemistry and basic physics (!) (CLAPS, LAUGHS) Yes! Bravo! The Time Dentist is the greatest. Now tell those three kids in their little Barefoot Bandits club is silly. Be quiet, you little weirdo. I'm not finished. Bro, not cool. The show is just meant to be fun. A bit of fun? Tell me, what's fun about an unrealistic representation of an explosion in space? There's a reason why your show is long forgotten and my show is still going strong. It's because I'm an intellectual and you're a pulpy hack! Mr Bellamy, my idol, would you mind, uh, signing this little autograph for me? Do you have money? I do. Then yes. Don't listen to that egg, Tumeke. You're a hero. Nah, I'm not. He's right. I didn't know anything about space. I would just put on a cool costume, do some cool moves and say some cool-as stuff. Now look at me. I'm just a washed-up actor who turns up at conventions a little bit greyer, a little bit chunkier, hoping people will still remember me, ow. Tumeke, bro, there's something we need to show you. # "Whole World" by Gabe Simon FATHER: 'When she saw her favorite animals' '- all in real life-' 'her face just lit up.' 'And when I saw that? Well, mine did too.' NARRATOR: 'When you book a flight with Expedia,' 'and add a hotel or activity,' 'you can save.' 'Everything you need to go.' 'EXPEDIA.' TANE: All right, Tumeke, on the count of three, open your eyes. FRIDGE: Wait, does he open them on three or after three? RILEY: Doesn't matter, Fridge. (LAUGHS) Well, says you. One, two, three. TANE AND RILEY: Ta-da! Ta` See, I wasn't ready. Ta-da! Whoa, the Orange Roughy! Too much! Did you guys make this? Yeah, we had a little help. I did the dangerous bits. Aue! You're a big slab of a fulla. The name's Mr Slab. True? That's a pretty fitting name. Do you wanna hop in? This is pretty neat, eh? It's got all the details. You even got the fluffy dice. Chur. Yeah, we watch the show a lot. (CHUCKLES) Like, a lot. Yeah, a loooot. That's pretty choice, you fullas. My life hasn't been quite as exciting since we stopped making the show. Maybe` Maybe we could act out a scene? Oh, I don't know, eh. It's been a long time. I'm not even sure I remember how. Muscle memory will take care of that. When a task has been performed numerous times, a long-term muscle memory is formed, allowing a task to be performed at a later time sans conscious effort. OK, it will be just like riding a bike. Brrm! Brrm! Click! Brrm! Shh! JNR-572, you know what to do, ow. Entering sleep mode now. Sorry. Wrong button. Mission completed, boss. Argh! Oh, maybe just come back to me when I've got this sorted. (HUMS DRAMATIC MUSIC) (IMITATES ENGINE REVVING, GEARS CHANGING) What are you doing? Oh, having an adventure, bro. Never too old. (CHUCKLES) Ah. Well, push that red button, then. Sure. ROCKETS BLAST Aue! MOMENTOUS MUSIC Well, if you're gonna do something, best do it properly. ALL SCREAM I'm too young to die! Far out, ow! (PANTS) You built an actual spaceship?! Mr Slab must've made some sweet additions. Choice! He must've worked out a way to incorporate a compact SRB into the replica's design. Amazing! SRB? Solid rocket booster ` for greater thrust during launch. W` W` Who are you kids? We're the Barefoot Bandits. Adventure is our life. Yeah, ground-based adventure, not space travel. We've never been off the island, let alone the planet. This is lunacy! It's lunacy! STATIC CRACKLES Well, good to see you're all alive and, well, it's quite a relief, to be honest. I was slightly concerned the windows would shatter and you'd be (LAUGHS) sucked out into the freezing vacuum of space. It would be quite cold out there and, uh` Well, you're all there in one piece. That's the main thing. Oh, I think I'm gonna vom-aint, which is a combination of vomiting and fainting. Well, that will probably be the lack of oxygen. There's only enough for a 20-minute adventure, so I suggest you probably get a move on. Oh, before I go, when you're ready to return home, just press the dial and put the red channel back` STATIC CRACKLES Just` Just what, ow? Oh, come on. STATIC CRACKLES, FEEDBACK WHINES What is that? I think it's... that! DRAMATIC MUSIC Holy! I think it might be` ...aliens! Aliens! This is it! I can't believe it's happening. (GASPS) I think I'm gonna vom-aint. Somebody hold my glasses. No, wait. Don't do that. I won't be able to see. (GROANS) This is all too much. Breathe! Breathe, Riley! (INHALES DEEPLY) Am I breathing properly? (WHEEZES) Is this how you do it? (WHEEZES) I don't know. (WHEEZES) STATIC CRACKLES (SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE) We don't speak alien, bro. You got subtitles? GRAVELLY VOICE: So this is what Earth sends to defend itself? Whoa! They sound cooler than I ever imagined. IMITATES ALIEN: So this is what Earth sends to defend itself. So awesome! Hey, hold on. Just wait up a second Mr Alien, sir. Um, what do you mean 'Earth defending itself'? It means he's gonna blow up the Earth! Oh, I've still got an unfinished sandwich in the pantry. (GROANS) I would've eaten it if I'd known this was the end. I've got so many regrets. Enough with your rambling! I have been sent to destroy Earth, and a pathetic group of human rebels will not prevent that. Oh, why do you wanna blow up Earth? What have we ever done to you, ow? Why must it be about what you've done? Ego is unbecoming of a planet. You just happen to be 724th on a list of weapon-testing locations. It was only a matter of time. (GASPS) You can't do that! I can. But worry not, you won't have to see your world destroyed. My war drones will destroy you long before that happens. Deploy! STATIC CRACKLES How awesome was that? I mean, clearly, the outcome isn't ideal, but aliens! Come on! Guys, I think we need to get moving. War drones! DRONES WHOOSH DRAMATIC MUSIC (GASPS) They've arranged themselves in a triangular formation. Yes! This is crazy, ow! I'm just an actor. I'm supposed to be signing autographs and taking photos with awkward fans. I'm not cut out for this. I need a stunt double. Bro, you're Tumeke Space! And we could really use Tumeke Space right now. You're the universe's greatest hero. You're our hero. You've got this, bro. Well, I guess we're just gonna have to go... BOTH: ...fast as! Just like riding a bike. Tumeke! ALL SCREAM DRONES WHOOSH, ALL CONTINUE SCREAMING (GRUNTS) Come on, you flying inorganic pile! Pull up, ow! (GROANS) ALL EXCLAIM ALL CHEER TRIUMPHANT MUSIC Tumeke, they're still on your tail. (GRUNTS) This is gonna take longer than five minutes. Of course he's not here. What a flake. If you can't handle the science-fiction heat, get out of the science-fiction convention, as I always say. Ahem! Uh, actually, I saw Tumeke and the Barefoot Bandits fly up into outer space in a home-made spaceship. Of course you did (!) Hey, I'll handle the scoffing, thank you. Of course you did (!) And who ` or what ` might you be? Well, it's a long story, but I talk fast, so it shouldn't take long. I'm a 40,000-year-old caveman that the Barefoot Bandits accidentally defrosted and mistook for a mammoth man! (SCREAMS) Then I helped them melt an iceberg before it hit the island, using spicy chutney. (LAUGHS) Obviously. I don't even know where to being on why that story sounds utterly implausible. Is everyone on this island a moronic weirdo? Hello! Ooh! Oh, you're that Time Surgeon guy. Uh, he's the Time Dentist. (SIGHS) This one's the mayor. Why are you still here? Get away. You're the mayor? Was the other guy a lizard or something? (LAUGHS) 1 ENGINE ROARS, DRONES WHOOSH They're gaining on us! You reckon you can do a sweet space skid, bro? Hard out. ENGINE ROARS TYRES SQUEAL BOOM! Tumeke! TRIUMPHANT MUSIC Tumeke! Tumeke! Yep. Tumeke. Great. But there's more coming! DRONES WHOOSH ENGINE HUMS Oh, what a bunch of stink guys. They're just gonna keep coming. We need to take down the mothership. Yes, destroy the mothership! Destroy the drones! Save the world! Classic alien takedown. Whoo! But how do we do that? Flame thrower. Do we have one? Do we have one of those, Riley? Nope. Sorry, we don't. We need to take out the ship's engine. I once dropped an action figure in the engine in my dad's car. Never worked again. (CHUCKLES) Yes! We need to fly over the mothership, drop something into its propulsion system, and then boom! Down goes old alien face. Sweet plan, kids. So what do we drop? Any rubbish back there? What? What's everyone looking at? Is this one of those moments where I'm supposed to realise that I play a key role in some sort of grand scheme? (GASPS) Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no. You are not throwing me into the engine of an alien ship. Not you, bro. The JNR toy. Collectible replica. In near mint condition, I might add. Oh, hey, no, you can't leave. You have to take part in the all-star sci-fi karaok-i sing-off. Do I? I don't think I do. In fact, I think I'm going to hop in my private helicopter and never come back to this island of imbeciles. Hey, there's only one seal on this island, and I'll have you know he's the best postman we've ever had. Has anyone seen Tane? I have some questions about some missing car parts. He was coming here to see Tumeke Space. Oh, if I have to hear that name again, I think I'm going to figuratively explode. Why do children enjoy that awful show? Well, I blame bad parenting. Says the kid hanging around a stranger like a bad smell. (CLEARS THROAT) Um, Mrs Tane's Mum, nice to see you. Um, I believe your son and that Tumeke Space fella are currently embroiled in an epic space battle! In space. (CHUCKLES) Oh (BLOWS RASPBERRY) yes (!) Let's all listen to the alleged 40,000-year-old caveman in a manky old fur suit (!) Uh, hey, mate, 40,000 years of corrosion can really make a zip stick. Mammoth Man is right! Um, still not very fond of that name. I'm trying Paul at the moment. Look! RUMBLING DRAMATIC MUSIC Oh, well, that's clearly a cheesy publicity stunt. Oh, those aliens are trying to hurt the kids! Oi, aliens! Cut it out! EERIE MUSIC MUSIC SWELLS All right, you fullas, I'm taking the Orange Roughy as close to the mothership as we can. When I say the word, you drop JNR. Chur? Let's do this. Yeah! OK... HEROIC SCI-FI MUSIC JNR-572, you know what to do. MUSIC SWELLS, FADES Bombs away, boss! Hold your breath, everybody. ALL GASP DRAMATIC MUSIC HEROIC SCI-FI MUSIC BEEPING MUSIC SWELLS DRAMATIC MUSIC ELECTRICITY BUZZES MUSIC SWELLS BOOM! OMINOUS MUSIC DENNIS: It's gonna crash! PEOPLE SCREAM, CRAFT WHOOSHES, BOOM! SEAGULLS SQUAWK EERIE MUSIC STEAM HISSES HEROIC SCI-FI MUSIC ENGINE REVS MUSIC SWELLS, FADES Expert engineering right there. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC MUSIC SWELLS Well, this is baffling. Now do you see what I have to put up with? Sweetie, are you all right? Mum! It was awesome! We got to go on an adventure with Tumeke Space! Nah, little man, Tumeke got to go on an adventure with the Barefoot Bandits. True. Wow, I could vom-aint right now. (GROANS) If I rolled my eyes any harder, I'd do a cartwheel. Honestly, I mean this with all my heart, I can't wait to get off this island of bumpkins and buffoons! (SCREAMS) Please don't hurt me! I'm the beloved Time Dentist! (YELPS) If I can't destroy your planet, I'll at least take a specimen for my scientific experiments. OMINOUS MUSIC (YELPS) (SCREAMS) WHOOSH! DING! Yay for the Barefoot Bandits! MUSIC CONTINUES Whoa, that was crazy as. UFOs, space chases, and we just witnessed an alien abduction. This the best day ever! WHISTLING JAUNTY MUSIC Mission completed, boss. Roger that, little buddy. Roger that. MAGICAL MUSIC Wh` Where are you going, bro? Well, thanks to my new best friends, the real Tumeke is back. Whoo! Yeah! Bandits, it looks like I've got me a Time Dentist to save. Hoo-hoo! Adventure's on! (REVS ENGINE) HEROIC SCI-FI MUSIC Laters! HORN HONKS Tuuuuuuu... meke! HEROIC MUSIC CONTINUES He knows the Orange Roughy is ours, right? (GIGGLES) True. Oh well. Who's got bare feet? Hmm, you've got bare feet. We've got bare feet. 10-toed bare feet. ALL: Barefoot. Hoo! Give me something now! Barefoot! Huh! Sing about it now! Barefoot! Ho! We're the baddest now! Barefoot! Ha! Barefoot Bandits now! Whoo-hoo! Oh, so that's how the song ends. Choice. Good to know. (GIGGLES) THEME MUSIC Captions by Ingrid Lauder and Pippa Jefferies. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016 LETTERS SQUEAK, GRUNT CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS