(LION ROARS) Captioning performed by the National Captioning Institute, Inc. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018 ...and on that point, members of the jury, I rest my case. (SHUTTER CLICKING) (ALARM RINGS) (MOUTHS) (TRANQUIL MUSIC) Hello, Wanda. (TRANQUIL GUITAR MUSIC) (FUNKY GUITAR MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Hi, Ken. Hello, W-Wanda. Ken,... this is Otto. Hello, Ken. Wanda's told me a lot about you. Hey, great fish! A little squeeze of lemon, some tartar sauce ` perfect. George back yet? Uh, no. He had to g-g-g-go to the b-b-b... What? That's quite a stutter you've got there, Ken. It's all right. It doesn't bother me. So, uh, George needs a weapons man, eh? A cup of tea, Ken? Y-Y-Y-Y... Yeah, he'd like one. I had a good friend in the CIA who had a stutter. Cost him his life, damn it. Hi, George. Hello, George. Get you a Scotch? Yeah. George,... this is Otto. So,... you're Wanda's brother. Good to be here, George. England is a fine country. She tell you what we need? (GASPS) Something like that? Something like that. Hello, Wendy. Had a good day? I spent the morning trying to get the waste disposal man to come, had lunch with Marjorie Brooks, who takes up the entire meal complaining about her husband, then I had to play three rubbers with Philippa Hunter, and I come back here, Sanderson's have sent the wrong flowers. Oh no. Would you like some tea? Yes. I won the case. It's the first moment I've had to myself all day. Hello, Portia. How was the show? Awful, Daddy. I've got to have a new horse. I thought you liked Phantom. He's not fit for dog meat. Can I change him, please, Daddy? It's absolutely fine, and it won't cost much. I thought you were making the tea. I am, Darling. Sorry. No, no, let me do it, please. No, I'll do it! (SIGHS) I won the case. Now this is cracked. They're worth about 100,000 each. There are 135 of them. That makes 13 millions, my friends. Dollars or pounds? Pounds, pet. This is the big one. OK. Yeah. Otto? Yes? OK? What? The plan. Yeah, great. No problem. What was the middle thing about the police? (TUTS) We don't meet up at Heathrow until Tuesday` Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't finished yet. Because the police will watch all the airports for 72 hours. I know. I know. You want m-me to g-g-get a b-b-big c-c-car for the getaway? Yes, Ken. A limo, OK? And put diplomatic plates on it, right? What if he has to say something during the break-in? Nobody says anything during the break-in, Otto. It's OK, Otto. Ken's good. So, next week, 'We won't have to look for work, 'and it won't have to look for us.' Oscar Wilde. You really like animals, don't you, Ken? What's the attraction? Because you can t-trust them, and they don't sh-sh... Shit on you? Show off all the time. Know what Nietzsche said about them? He said they were God's second blunder. Bye, sis. Well,... you t-tell him from me that I-I-I-I... Bye, George. If you talk to Mom, tell her I said hi. OK. Don't let him touch you. One more day, we're together. I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up. Good. Argh! (GUNSHOT) (SCREAMS) (GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) (GUNSHOT) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Anybody moves, and you're dead! (GUNSHOT) (GLASS SHATTERS) (ALARM RINGS) Look where you're going, chauvinist pig. Really! People here just think they own the pavement. (CAR ENGINE STARTS) (TYRES SQUEAL) That was fun. I love robbing the English. They're so polite. D-d-d-d... the dog. We didn't hit the dog, Ken. It's OK. $20 million, he's worried about an insect. It's not an in-in-in... Stutter's not getting any better, is it, Ken? Thought about surgery? Shut up. (SIREN WAILS) Ken? Bye. (TYRES SQUEAL) Let's split. See you at Heathrow Airport on Tuesday. No celebrating. No celebrating? See you in two hours. Got it. Bye. (TRAIN HORN BLOWS) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) To 20 million. To a job well done. To us. To the best brother and sister team since... ...Romeo and Juliet? Do you believe those Cockney klutzes bought our story? What morons! I want you to know something, Otto. What? Even if you were my brother, I'd still want to fuck you. Make the call. Momento, carissima. Eventualle. No! No Italian! Hey. Due insalate verde con pepperoni e linguine primavera. No! Make the call, Otto. You really Italian? Assolutamente, si. My name is Otto. It means eight. - Say arrivederci, Georgio. - Bye, George. Yes, I wonder if you could put me through to the police` Argh! (In English accent) Yes, hello. Sorry to trouble you. It thought it might interest you to know that the Hatton Garden robbery today was pulled off by a Mr George Thomason who lives at Flat 3 Kipling Mansions, Murray Rd, London West 9. Wanda? (SIREN WAILS) (BANGING ON DOOR) Open up! Come on, open up. Open the door or we'll knock it down. George Francis Thomason? Passport, tickets, money. (HONKS HORN) Asshole! (CRASH!) We're rich, Wanda. Yep. Bet these last two weeks with me have been the most exciting of your life. You said it. OK, OK. I'm disappointed! Son of a bitch! What do you have to do in this life to make people trust you? Shut up. People are always taking advantage of me. Shut up and think. Where's he moved it? What are you doing? I'm thinking! I'm thinking what I'm going to do to him. First I'll hang him up with piano wire, then I'll` where are you going? Going to talk to him. Then... Talk to who? Talk to who? So in the course of installing these windows for your parents, you were kneeling on the floor where there was broken glass from pane that you dropped? That's right, sir. And your mother and father can confirm this? Yes, and his aunt, uh, Georgina Thomason. Good, Bartlett. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Yes? Sorry to interrupt you, sir. Thomason, young lady to see you. Anything else? No, that's everything for the moment. Thanks. You don't have to dash off, do you? No, no, no. Absolutely not. Good. George, Ken's got the fish food. He'll be in later. Thanks. De nada. What do you think, Mr Leach? Well, I think we may be all right on the glass. But, uh, what else are they gonna come up with? (WOLF WHISTLES) Oh, George! Oh my God. I can't believe this is happening. That's not allowed in here, miss. Are you OK? It's all right. George, I don't think I can handle this. I was too afraid to go to sleep last night. I thought that the police were gonna come. Leave it out, OK? Listen, listen, listen, listen. Listen. You stayed at my place. We slept late. You made me breakfast. What? What's he doing here? He wanted to see you. Who did it? Kevin Delaney? You want me to rub him out? Anything. You name it. I have friends making inquiries. Good. The jewels are very safe. If I get sent down, it all gets handed back to cut my sentence. Now, to cut my sentence even more, I could tell them who done it with me if I wasn't very happy about everything. What was the middle thing? Piss off. You want me to`? Now. George,... you don't think... Do you? No. No. No. OK. George,... What? ...are you sure the garage is very safe? Trust me. Thanks a lot. Bye. Have a good day. So? Well, he's not sure it was you. That's something, I guess. What about you? He believes me, that's why he can't figure out about you. Figure out what? Whether you turned him in or not, stupid. Don't ever, ever, ever call me stupid, OK? What? That's George's lawyer. The other guy must be the barrister. So? Trust me. You'll let me know if anything unexpected turns up. Yes. Excuse me. Don't I recognise you? No. No, I don't think so. Oh. But you are a famous barrister, aren't you? Uh,... well, hardly. Well, could I have your autograph anyway? Uh, yes. Yes, certainly. Thanks. I'm studying aspects of your legal system. I'm American. Oh, really? Mm. I've only just started, though. It's fascinating. What brings you here? Oh, it's a little embarrassing. I... have a friend. Oh, oh, I see. Well, there you are. I knew it! You're Archie Leash! Leach. Right. I saw you in court, uh, two weeks ago. The casino break-in? You were great! Oh, I'm a big fan of yours. I love the way you, uh, cross-examine. Oh, I really admire your work. Thank you. Well, I'd better not keep you` I don't suppose you'd` No. Fine. BOTH: Right. Thank you for this. I'll treasure it. Au revoir. You speak French, too. (SIGHS) (CAR ENGINE STARTS) What's going on? Whatever George decides to do, he's gonna tell Leach first. Why? Because he's his lawyer. Yeah, yeah, I know that. So I'm gonna get to know Mr Leach. George is gonna tell him where the diamonds are? That's what I'm gonna find out. You done well, my son. Where we going to hide it? Very good. Don't tell Wanda anything. Otto might get something out of her. Now` George, you are going to g-get off, aren't you? Sure. Don't worry about it, Ken. Now, anything on Otto? Not yet. You watch him. Ken? OK. Looks like the police have been all over it. Let me just change clothes and then I'll help you look. Hello, K-K-K-Ken's p-p-p-pets. Hey! Wake up! Wake up, limey fish! So, how are you going to get friendly with this lawyer? I don't know. I'll improvise. Fucking insects. I thought Englishmen didn't like women, the way they talk. No. He's straight. He's kind of cute, too, in a pompous sort of way. You got the hots for him? I'm not into necrophilia, thanks. What is this, hump-a-limey week suddenly? Otto doesn't approve. Otto might get jealous. E molto pericoloso, signorina. Molto pericolo` Carissima. Oh, speak it! Speak it! Con osso buco milanese con piselle e melanzana parmigiana con spinaci. Dove la farmacia? Yes, yes, yes! No, no, no! Si, si, si. No, not here, Otto. No, not here. Dove la Fontana di Trevi? Not here, Otto. Um,... mozzarella. No, not here! Parmigiana. Gorgonzola! Hey! Wanda? Look what I've got, Wanda. Treasure. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Shh. (SCREAMS) Oh! Oh my God. Ken, It's you. I thought it might have been the police again. Isn't it horrible about George? Oh, Ken. I have such a bad headache. Could you run and get some aspirin or something? Shit. What's that? It's my brother. He's using the bathroom. Otto? We just went and saw George. Oh, it was horrible, Ken. It was just horrible. Wh-Wh`? Isn't it terrible about George? When I find the bastard who squealed... I love that man! What are you d-doing here? What am I doing here? Wanda was upset, Ken. She needed to talk to family. Well, sh... sh-she just had a sh-shower. I've got to speak to you. Are you OK now, sis? Fine. Thanks for coming. Just call me if you need me again. OK. Thanks. What's the matter with you, Ken? Can't you think about her feelings? There's something f-funny going on. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. You don't even know why you're excited, do you? I saw the... Ken, Ken, Ken! I didn't wanna say anything while George was around, but isn't it time you faced up to certain realities, Ken? Come on. You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're smart. You've got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly. Wh-What are you`? We could have a lot of fun together, you and I. And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say? You must be j-j-j... May I kiss you, Ken? No, you fucking can't! Just a peck. No tongue! Ken! Ken! Ken! Ken! Hold it. OK, you didn't realise I was gay. OK, no, look, I'm sorry. I've handled this badly. Look, the physical side can wait. You need time. But... will you think about it? Oh my God. Oh my God! Ken! Somebody just called! They said that the police know that the loot is in a garage in Fulham somewhere. You and I have to go get it right now, Ken. You and I have to go move it before the police find out where it is. Come on. No, no, no. It's all right. What? G-g-g-g... George... m-m-m-m-m... moved... George moved the loot? Yes. Where did he move it, Ken? Where did he move it? K-k-k-k-k... I don't know where it is. There's a key. I don't know what it's for. It's in the tr` Don't tell me. It's better that you don't tell me. Oh, you know, if it wasn't for George... Otto... tried to k-k-kiss me. I thought he might. No, nothing. No marks at all. But it is a safety deposit box key? Oh, yes, but it could be any one in England. There are millions of them: hotels, banks, offices. Sorry. Thank you. Fuck. That's him. That's him, Inspector. He's the one who tried to murder my dogs. Davidson? There's an American legal student here who wants to see me for a moment. What time is Sir John due? Half past 12. Right. Come in. Hi. How very nice to see you. Am I interrupting? Absolutely not. Really? Really. Delighted to see you. Hello. So, this is the place, huh? This is it. Very nice. I was over at the courts this morning. Boy, it's fascinating. Really. So much to know. Everybody wears these. Do you wear one? Oh, ridiculous. Well, um, I only have a few minutes. Sorry. I'm sorry. But till then I'm all yours. I just have a couple questions. Um, I'm having a little problem understanding preliminary criminal procedures. Good. What exactly is the committal? Interesting. Well, uh, basically, it's a preliminary investigation where the prosecution presents evidence that the accused has a case to answer for trial. Well, that's what it says in the books. Let's just take for example my friend George Thomason. Now, when he goes in to his committal on Wednesday, he'll` Thomason? Yes. George Thomason? Yes. Do you know him? I'm defending him. What are you talking about? I'm his barrister, his lawyer. That's so great. That's so weird, though. Isn't that weird? Oh, I'm so happy it's you that's defending him. Thank you. He's sure to get off now. Wow! Well, I can watch you work now. Please. Wow. Amazing. Well, anyway, at the committal, George would then plead... ...not guilty. Really? Oh yes. The evidence against him is largely circumstantial. But there was an identification, wasn't there? True, but a very elderly lady. I think they've got the wrong man. You don't think he did it. No. Well, let's just say, for argument's sake, that you did think he did it. If further evidence against him came to light. Right. Right. You would then advise him to plead guilty and turn over the jewels to get his sentence cut, and he would turn them over to who? To you? Theoretically? Oh, of course. Yes, yes. Um, well, uh... I'm so sorry. I've forgotten your name. Wanda. Wanda. Wonderful, wonderful. Well, Wanda, there are really three... not Wanda Gershwitz? Yes. Oh my God. What? You're his alibi. I can't talk to you. Why not? My dear young lady, you're a defence witness. I'm sorry, I must ask you to leave immediately. I'm so sorry. What did I say? Well, It's not ethical for me to talk to a witness. Everybody does it in America. Well, not in England. It's strictly forbidden. Please. I must insist. Otherwise, I may have to give up the case. I'm sorry. Please? Oh, Archie. I didn't come here today to talk about boring criminal procedures. Come on. You know. You knew the minute I walked in here. I want you. What? (BUZZ!) Hello? Sir John's here. Right. Show him in, please. I want you to make love with me. Pardon? Nothing. Nothing. Will you take me to bed? No. Sorry. Bye, Uncle. Hi. (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY) He's pleading not guilty, so you're safe until the trial. Leach doesn't think he did it. Ken says there's a safe deposit box key, but only George knows where it is. 'Thank you, Wanda.' What have you found out? Not a lot. You realise he's in court tomorrow? I know that. So nothing, huh? Nix. Zip. Diddly. Bupkis. Niente. Oh, it's too big! No, it isn't, Portia. It is. It's enormous. No, it isn't. Oh, please, Mother. No! Absolutely not. I'm so miserable, and you just don't care! Do shut up, Portia. All I get all day is people complaining to me. Oh dear. (SNIFFS) Ecco l'uomo. Ooh, le due cupola grandi della cattedrale di Milano. (SNIFFS) (SNIFFS) Benito Mussolini. Dove il Vaticano? # Volare. Oh, oh, # de cantare, oh, oh. # Archie, I want you to speak to her about plastic surgery. Hmm? Oh, I do wish you'd listen to me. I want you to speak to Portia. Oh right. I'll have a word with her in the morning. Goodnight, Archie. Goodnight, Archie. Goodnight, Wanda. Goodnight, who? Oh, sorry, darling. Just some stupid case I've got tomorrow with some lousy old hag. Are you George Francis Thomason of Kipling Mansions, Murray Ave, London W9? Yes, sir. Charged with armed robbery. Sit down, Mr Thomason. Are we ready for a committal today, Mr Percival? Yes. It will be under section 6.2. That is correct. 6.2. Here are the statements, all to be fully bound, please. Stand up, Mr Thomason. You're hereby committed to stand trial at the central criminal court. There is some urgency about this case, madam, as the main witness, Mrs Eileen Coady, is elderly and has had serious heart difficulties recently. Is there any possibility that this case might be put down for an early trial? That will be for the Listing Office at the Old Bailey. Take him down to his cell, please. Yes, sir. Come along, now. Hi, hon. How you doing? Ooh, you look great. I love your hair. You have time for a coffee? No, I've got to... Have you thought about it, though? One thing, though ` why did he give you this? Eileen Coady, 69 Basil St. What does he want you to do? Send her flowers? Do her shopping? Show her a good time? Rub her out? To... He wants you to rub her out? Uh... He's going to kill her! (LAUGHS) Fuck off or I'll kill you, Limey fruits! So the old lady's going to m-m-meet with an accident, eh, K-K-Ken? Shh. (LAUGHS) What's so funny? Nothing. It's just that wasting old ladies isn't nice. Well, it's better than... buggerin' people. I bet you a pound you don't kill her. All right. All right. I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him! He's mine! A pound says you won't kill her! (LAUGHS) So when could you look at it? Uh, well, let's think. Thursday's hopeless. Um, I tell you what ` my wife's going to the opera Friday evening. I could look at it then, give you a call at the office Saturday morning. I'd really appreciate that. Thanks, Archie. Bye. Hi. I know we're not allowed to talk. Give me a call. I can't. Please? We're not allowed to speak. We don't have to. I don't want you for your conversation. I'd love to, but... (CRIES) What happened? Got a date Friday. (WHISTLES) (BARKING) Look here! Do you mind not making that terrible noise? My dogs were having their nap. Nice doggie. Nice doggie. (BARKS) Oh! (BARKING) (BARKING) Otto, what are you doing? It's a Buddhist meditation technique. It focuses your aggression. The monks used to do it before they went into battle. What kind of Buddhism is this, Otto? (HONKS HORN) (CRASH!) Asshole! It's an early tantric meditation... What is this? In order to get information, I just might have to get friendly with him. Well, we're ready now, at last. Oh good. Well, enjoy the opera, darling. Oh, your supper's in the fridge, darling. Oh, marvellous. Thanks so much. Be good. Uh, when you say 'friendly', what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What? I don't know. Let's just see what happens. So friendly might include actual, uh... what? Penetration? Look, I don't need your jealousy now. Jealousy? Yes. Hey, I'm merely curious. Me jealous of that fop? What about my tits? Does he get to handle them? Yes. That's my forecast. I'll stand by that. Nuzzling? I think $20 million is worth a little nuzzling. 80% chance there. Sucking? I thought you weren't jealous. I'm not. I don't believe in jealousy. It's for the weak. One thing, though ` touch his dick, and he's dead. I told your father to get the car serviced. Aren't we going, then? Oh, do shut up, Portia. (DOG BARKS) Hurry up. Hi. Do you despise me? No. That's not a word that leaps to mind. Can I stay, then? Of course. Look, Wanda` I know. Your wife's coming back. No, no. It's not her. She'll be gone for hours. It's about what I said to you. It is all right for us to speak. It is? Provided that we don't discuss the case. Oh. Oh, fine. It's just that if anyone saw us talking` Oh, but they won't. Sorry if I seemed... pompous. Oh, you're the best, Archie. No, not yet. I'm thirsty. What shall I get you? Whisky. You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life. Get me my drink. (GIGGLES) Oh. Oh, Archie. Mmm. Oh, Archie. Mmm. Mmm. (SIGHS) So if George decides to change his plea, he'd tell you where the loot is first, wouldn't he? Hmm? Darling, we mustn't talk about the trial, OK? I know. I just meant theoretically. Kiss me there. Oh, theoretically. Um, well,... (MUMBLES) What's the matter? Oh, it's wonderful, Archie. Oh! What's the matter? You're getting me so hot. I need something to drink. Uh, something cold, maybe in the fridge. Champagne? Oh, my favourite. Don't go away. Je reviens. What are you doing here? Relax. Get the fuck out of here, Otto. I heard moaning. I was worried. I was faking, you stupid jerk. Don't ever call me stupid, and I'm not jealous. Then leave. OK. It's a nice place. Don't touch his dick. His wife. His wife. As a matter of fact... Now, for goodness' sake, get off to bed. Oh God. There isn't any ice. Champagne. (SCREAMS) What's the matter? (GLASS TINKLES) What are you doing? Champagne, dear, to welcome you home. Um, let me pour you a glass. Whose is the car? The car? Blocking the drive. There you are, dear. Cheers. Well, nice to see you again. Um, how was the opera, then? It finished early? Whose car is it? Mine. It's a beauty, isn't it? Where did I leave my drink, Archie? Ah. Who is this? Don't you know? How do you do, Mrs Leach? I'm, uh, Harvey Manfred... jen... sen... den. I'm, uh, with the CIA. CIA? That's correct, ma'am. I was, uh, just telling your husband here before I, uh, had to go to your beautiful bathroom, uh, we've, uh, got a high-ranking KGB defector in a safe house near here. We're debriefing him as of now. And, uh, we're just, uh, checking all the houses in the neighbourhood. For what? For KGB. Is there any danger? No, no, no. No. No, not now. Uh, we, uh, just want to keep everyone informed. So, Archie, thanks for the drink. Sorry to have troubled you both. I'll see myself out. Uh, keep everyone informed? So there's no panic, ma'am. But isn't it a secret? You have no idea how secret. Well, why are you telling everyone? It's a smoke screen? What? Double bluff. Look, you obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady. It's an X-K red 27 technique. My father was in the secret service, Mr Manfredjensengen. And I know perfectly well that you don't keep the general public informed when you are debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house. Oh, you don't, huh? Not unless you're congenitally insane or irretrievably stupid, no. Don't call me stupid. Why on Earth not? Oh, you English are so superior, aren't you? Well, would you like to know where you'd be without us, the old US of A, To protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian empire ` that's what. So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me. Well, thank you for popping in and protecting us. If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German, singing... # Deutschland, Deutschland... # That's my brother. He's covering for me. Get rid of your wife. Get my necklace. Yes. Right. I'll think of something to get rid of her. Who are you talking to? Myself, darling. Well, who was that shouting? The brother of a friend of mine. Archie, who on Earth? I dunno. Extraordinary. He rang the bell, and I opened the door. Well, let's go to the pub. What? Let's go to the pub, get a drink there. Would you like to come, Portia? We haven't been to the pub for 15 years. No, well, it would be rather nice for Portia to see it now, wouldn't it, darling? Honestly, Archie. (SCREAMS) What on Earth is the matter? I thought the picture was falling. Will you pull yourself together? What's this? Oh, yes. Thanks, Portia. Well done. OK. What was that? A kind of necklace. What's going on? Uh, nothing, dear. Right, uh, let's go. Can I see that? What? In your hand. Your other hand. Portia, go to your room. Aren't we going to the pub? Darling, I can explain everything. I left some papers at the office. Now! And they sent a new girl over` Oh, Archie. She's Canadian, and she mentioned it was her birthday, so` It's lovely. Thank you. Oh, it's even got a W for Wendy. Oh, I'm so glad you like it, darling. It's the most beautiful thing you've ever given me. Oh, Archie, this isn't like you. Are you fucking crazy? Hey, I saved your ass. I had him right where I wanted him, you asshole! I give you one fucking thing to do ` drive me here and shut up! Oh, relax. (CAR ENGINE STARTS) To create a home as warm and healthy as this, you need three things ` warm it up with insulation in ceilings and floors and by stopping draughts; dry it out by tackling dampness at its source; and air it out by opening windows a few times a day to help keep your home dry. Remember ` (TELEPHONE RINGS) (RING!) Hello? It's for you. Hello? Uh, not at the moment, no. Yes, well, I'm not quite sure when I'll be able to get hold of that. Yes, yes. I do appreciate that. Yes. As soon as possible. Well, that would be very nice, obviously. So, um, see you soon, I hope. Bye, Frank. (BARKING) Easy. Calm down. Calm down. Easy, girl. Easy. Easy. (BARKING) Smell, smell. Smell. Smell. Now, kill. Kill. Kill. (BARKING) Kill. Kill! (GASPS) (BELL TOLLING) We therefore commit its body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. (SINGING IN LATIN) Hello, honey. What happened? Nothing. What's that? Uh... Not Granny? Uh, not yet. Oh. Who is it for, then? A f-f... A fish? Frenchman? A phone operator? Friend. Oh. A four-legged one? Where's my sister? She's in the... Thank you. ...lavatory. Wanda? Anything? What? No. Why are you here? I'm here because I'm bored ` bored wandering around this God-awful city, shoving George's ugly pi... Talking to a lot of snotty, stuck-up, intellectually inferior British faggots. Jesus, they're uptight. They get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country, standing there with their hair clenched, just... counting the seconds till the weekends so that they can all dress up like ballerinas and whip themselves into a frenzy 'at the flat at 4, 2B Saint'... To be honest, I, uh, hate them. I mean, pretending they're so fucking lawyer` uh, superior ` so fucking superior with those phony accents. Not you, Ken. You've got a beautiful speaking voice, when it works. Son of a bitch! (SNIFFS) So, uh, want to have some lunch? Have you heard from him? Who? Archie. No. I have to finish my hair! No. Nothing? OK. Well, I'm out of here! No plans to see him? No. OK. Bye, bro! Bye, Wanda! Oh, sorry. What? Well, it wasn't theirs to sell, you see. An old lady gave it to them to be engraved, and somebody put it in the display cabinet` That's their problem. Well, not really, darling. You paid for it. Yes, well, they're offering you this to replace it, you see. It's over three times as valuable. This is the nicest thing you've ever given me, and now you want me to give it back. Well, they can't have it. Wendy! No! Tell them they can't have it! You're the bloody barrister! (SPRAY HISSES) (RING!) Hello. Hello. Oh, Archie, it's beautiful. It's just beautiful. Oh my God, look! (GASPS) Oh, Archie, it's beautiful! Isn't it wonderful? Whose is it? Belongs to someone at the chambers. And where are they? Hong Kong. Ah-so? Gone for weeks. Nice rug, Archie. May I? Whoa! Archie, what are you doing? The polka, I think. (LAUGHS) You make me feel free! Free? Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone, 'Are you married?' And hearing, 'My wife left me this morning,' or saying, uh, 'Do you have children?' And being told, 'They all burned to death on Wednesday'? You see, Wanda, we're all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know. We have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be. I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover ` at least, used to be back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed? Yeah. Hang on. Mind your head. Whoa! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! (SHRIEKS) Oh, I think I love you, Wanda. Oh, Archie. Can I ask you a question? Anything. Where's my locket? I couldn't get it. What? Well, Wendy wouldn't give it back. Look. I got you this instead. Like it? No, Archie. I have to have mine! What's the ma...? Why? My mother gave it to me... on her... deathbed. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. All right, darling. I'll get it for you. You promise? I'll think of something. Sex is very, very difficult for me with somebody that I don't trust completely. I promise I'll get it, OK? Oh, I love you, Archie! I have loved you ever since the first second I saw you. (CLUNK!) What was that? What? Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he? No. He has no idea? He doesn't have a clue. What? He is so dumb... Really? ...he thought that the Gettysburg address was where Lincoln lived. (LAUGHS) All those terrible lies he told about the CIA ` that was so painful. And when he heard your daughter's name was Portia, he said, 'Why did they name her after a car?' (BOTH LAUGH) I love the way you laugh. Oh, I love you. You're funny. Mmm! How come a girl as bright as you could have a brother who's so` Don't call me stupid. (BOTH SCREAM) Oh my` Jesus Christ! (GRUNTS) Ow! Otto, out! Come on. Otto, out! Ow! I'll deal with you later! What have you done with her? She's all right. (KNOCKING) Otto! Now, apologise! Otto! What? Apologise. Are you totally deranged? You... pompous stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuckface, dickhead, asshole! How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you? You are the vulgarian, you fuck! Now, apologise! What? Me to you? Apologise. All right, all right. I apologise. You're really sorry? I'm really, really sorry. I apologise unreservedly. You take it back? I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact and was in no way fair comment and was motivated purely by malice. And I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (TYRES SQUEAL) (SCREAMS) (BELLS TOLLING) (SINGING IN LATIN) You said you loved him! That's right, Otto! Now, here's a multiple-choice question for you ` A: Wanda was lying. B: Wanda was telling the truth. Which one do you wanna pick? What was the first one? You told me you were not planning to see him! Because I knew you would come along and fuck it up! I was dealing with something delicate, Otto. I'm setting up a guy who's incredibly important to us who's gonna tell me where the loot is and if they're gonna come and arrest you, and you come loping in like Rambo without a jockstrap and you dangle him out a window! Now, was that smart? OK. Was it shrewd, was it good tactics, or was it stupid? Don't call me stupid. Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs! But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape? Apes don't read philosophy. Yes, they do, Otto. They just don't understand it. Now, let me correct you on a couple things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian, the central message of Buddhism is not every man for himself, and the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up. Now, you have just assaulted the one man who can keep you out of jail and make you rich. So what are you going to do about it, huh? What would an intellectual do? What would Plato do? Apolo... Pardon me? Apologise. What? Apologise! Right! I'm sorry. No. Not to me, to Archie. And make it good, or we're dead. Oh, I'm so very, very, very, very s... Fuck you! I'm s... I'm very, very s... I'm so very s... Very, very, very s... Very, very s... (GLASS BREAKING) (CLATTERING) (CRASH!) (FUNKY MUSIC) (MUSIC BUILDS) (GLASS SHATTERS) (GRUNTS) Hello, Mr Burglar! Going somewhere? Thought you could rob Mr Leach, eh? Well, I'm going to teach you a lesson. He just happens to be a very good friend of mine! Otto! Otto! Otto! He's gonna be very pleased with me when he finds you all tied up and ready for the police! And don't call me Otto. To you, I am Mr... Argh! Oh my God. Oh. Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you. How could I know it was you? I mean, how could you expect me to guess? Stupid jerk. I mean, what the fuck are you doing robbing your own house, you asshole? You stupid, stiff, pompous, English... Argh! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Uh... Uh,... yeah. (DOOR OPENS) (DOOR CLOSES) (SCREAMING) Oh! God almighty! Bloody hell! (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Darling! Are you hurt? Mm... Speak to me! Are you hurt? Mm. Mm. Can't you speak? Archie, Archie, what has happened? (COUGHS) Archie, we've been burgled. Oh no! Well, are you hurt? No. I'm fine. Bit of a headache. I came in here. Somebody hit me, tied me up... God, is that the time? What? I didn't realise it was quite so late. I'm late for a conference. A conference? You've just been attacked! No. It's nothing, darling. I must fly. Sorry. Archie! I'll help you tidy up when I get back. Hello, Portia. What's happened? Your father has finally gone completely mental. Enjoy endless data on your favourite social apps with Vodafone Social Pass, and get free social data for 90 days when you switch to Vodafone. (RING!) Hi. Archie! Thank you so much. Champagne? Oh, OK. (POP!) Whew! Mmm. To us. To us. Well, I went by the house, and guess who`? (CRASH!) Let's make love. Well, if you absolutely insist. No. What? Here. On the rug. I'll be right back. Get undressed. Why not? Why not, indeed? Afterwards,... Yeah? ...let's go to South America. What? Let's fly to South America. Why South America? OK, Iceland? What do you really want out of life, Wanda? I don't know. Why do I like you so much? Archie? Hm? Do you speak Italian? I am Italian. (SPEAKS ITALIAN) But it's such an ugly language. How about... Russian? (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) (THUD!) (BREATHES HEAVILY) (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) Archie? Yeah? Are you rich? No, no. I'm afraid not. What about the house? Oh, that's Wendy's. She's the rich one. Oh. (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) What the hell are you doing? I might ask you the same question! Who are you? What? Get your clothes on! - Will you leave immediately, please. - What? You're in the wrong flat. This flat belongs to Patrick Balfour. He's in Hong Kong, and he lent me the key. Now get out! But we leased it from the agents last weekend. Yes, well, obviously that changes things a bit. Um... Aren't you Archie Leach? What? You bought our house in Islington Gardens. Uh, Hazel and Ian Johnson. What a coincidence! How nice to see you. (MELANCHOLIC VIOLIN MUSIC) (BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!) (TELEPHONE RINGS) (RING!) Hello. Hello, Wanda? It's Archie. Listen. I can't see you any more. I've got to end it. I'm sorry. What? I'm sorry. (CLICK!) Archie? (MELANCHOLIC VIOLIN MUSIC) Uh... OK. Oh, no, no, please. Look, I want to apologise. I just finished it, all right? Where are you going? I want to speak with you. Will you leave me alone? Wait! I just want to say I'm sorry! It's all over, OK? It's all over. Jesus Christ! Will you calm down? Shut up! Please believe me! It's all right! Don't beat me up again, please! I've had a terrible day! Will you shut up? Jesus Christ! Don't kill me, please! Shut up, then! OK. Look. I just want to apologise sincerely for... what? Well, when I dangled you out the window. I'm really, really... Well, it was not a nice thing to do. Then when I attacked you in there ` Well, I'm really, really... How could I know you were trying to rob your own house? I was just trying to help. Yes, thanks. Thanks, Otto. I wanted you to trust me! It was my fault. It was my fault. That's true. Now, about my sister ` look, she's a very sexy girl. I understand you wanting to play around with her. It's OK. I was wrong! I'm sorry I was jealous! Just go ahead! Pork away, pal! Fuck her blue! I like you, Archie. I just want to help. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (BARKING) (MUSIC BUILDS) (RUMBLING) Oh God! (WHIMPERS) (YELLING) (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC) (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) Nothing! Unbe-fucking-lievable! Thomason! Yep. Oh! Yes. You done real well, son. Now, here's the plan ` you get four tickets for this evening for Rio, first class. Then` F-f-f-f-f...? Yeah, four. We get rid of Otto later. Then back to the flat, pack, collect me, then to the Cathcart Towers Hotel to pick up the jewels. Unbe-fucking-lievable! Hey! Hey! # Da, da, da, da, da, da! A da, da, da, da, da, da! # I'm so excited! I can't believe it! (TELEPHONE RINGS) Oh, I'm going to be late for court! Hello. Oh, hello, Otto. Uh, no. She just left. Oh, and, Otto, you owe me a p-p-p-p... What? You owe me a pound. Not granny. Met with an accident. Bullshit! You're lying! Come on. Dead? Heart attack. Boom! I don't believe this. So George will be out this afternoon. We all go out to Heathrow, collect the loot, and then voom ` all... thanks... to... me. So the loot's at the airport, is it, Ken? What's h-happening? Well, Ken, I'm going to ask you some questions while I eat my chips. First, who was the philosopher who developed the concept of the superman in Also Sprach Zarathustra? No? That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid. Friedrich Nietzsche. Next. In which book did Nietzsche claim almost all higher culture is based on cruelty? Are you thinking or are you in mid-stutter? You're m-mad. Beyond Good and Evil. Guess I'll have to ask an easy one, huh, Ken? OK. Um, uh,... OK, let me think. Um,... where are the diamonds? I'll give you a clue. Somewhere around the airport. I'm n-n-n... There's plenty of time, Ken. I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me. The English contribution to world cuisine ` the chip. What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting? Wait a moment! It's fish, isn't it? Boop! Here, boy. Down the hatch. Ohh! Delicious! You b-b-b-b-b-b... ...better eat the green one? OK. What's this one's name? Well, not Wanda, anyway. I'm going to call her Lunch. Hello, Lunch, hello. (SLURP!) Ew! Avoid the green ones. They're not ripe yet. (CHUCKLES) Now, you were in court, were you not, Inspector, when the forensic evidence was read? Yes, sir. The fact that Mr Thomason was installing windows the previous weekend would account, would it not, for the presence of small particles of glass on his trousers? No hurry, Inspector. Please do take your time. I'm almost full. Almost. Stop! Please. Don't. Come on, Wanda. Gullet time. What are the names of those hotels that are right by the airport, Ken? What are they? The Airway Sheraton? The Post House? The Cathcart Towers? The Cathcart Towers! Yes? Yes. In a safe deposit box? Yes. (MUMBLES) Where's the key? It's in the t-t-t-tank. Where? Where? In the t-t-t-t... Treasure chest! Where? Where? Oh! You m-m... murdering... I'm g-g-gonna k-k-k... I'll kill you. I'll kill you! Sorry, Ken, but your answer was incorrect. Still, you really did think it was in there, didn't you? Uh! Uh! Uh! What? Uh! Uh! Uh! Oh. (INHALES) Hello? I know where the diamonds are. Where? Where's the key? I've got it. How soon can you get to George's apartment? You are Wanda Gershwitz of Kipling Mansions, Murray Rd, London West 9. Yes. Now, will you tell the court how do you know the defendant? We've had a relationship for two years. Relationship? We're lovers, Your Lord. Miss Gershwitz, on the 4th of March of this year, in the morning, where were you? I was at the apartment at Murray Rd. And were you by yourself, or was there anyone else present? No. Somebody else was there. Who was that? My brother. And did your br...? Your brother. My brother. Yes. Yes. And are you quite sure it was your brother? Mr Leach, I'm sure Miss Gershwitz can recognise her brother. She's had a relationship with him all her life. Much obliged, My Lord. Was there anyone else present that morning? Yes, George was there, but he left about five to 7. Wanda? I`I wonder. I wonder. I wonder... Yes, Mr Leach? I Wendy` I wonder` I wonder, I w` I w` w-w-w-when you say five to 7, Miss, uh, Gershwitz, how can you be so sure? Oh, I looked at the clock, cos I was saying to myself, 'Where could he be going at five to 7 with that sawed-off shotgun?' Darling! (MURMURS) Mr Leach. 'Darling?' Yes, dear? You bitch! You fucking bitch! (SCREAMS) Restrain that man! (SCREAMS) (GRUNTS) Restrain this man! Come here, you bastard! Clear the court! I'm adjourning this matter. Clear the court! Argh! Clear the court! Clear the court! Clear the court! Officers, arrest that man! Clear the court! Clear the court! Bloody hell! It's my husband. He's been hit. You made it. Good. A bit of a knock, I'm afraid. I have never been so humiliated in my life. You can stick this marriage right in your bottom. I'll see you in court. Yes. Well, that's it, then. George. What? We got to talk. You tell those pigs to fuck off! Fuck off, pigs. Did you hear what I said? Fuck off. What's she up to, George? What are you up to? You called her 'darling' and 'Wanda'. I've been helping her get her evidence straight. It slipped out. You've been coaching her? What do you think? Look, George, we got 10 minutes. They're going to find you guilty, right? Now, if you plead guilty now and tell them where the loot is, you may get away with eight years, out in five and a half. What if I tell them about Otto and Wanda? They both did it? Great. All right. Maybe six years, out in four. So where are the diamonds? Where's Bartlett? He's upstairs trying to calm things down. Where are they? Tell Bartlett Ken knows where they are. George, it would be a lot quicker if you told me. OK. I'll tell Bartlett. Where's Ken? He's at the flat. (CRYING) Thank you for all your help. I'll be right out. Taxi! Taxi, please. Shit! Taxi! Come on. What? Let's go to Buenos Aires. What? We're going to George's flat first. Get in. Got your passport? Yeah. Right. Check the briefcase for mine. Get your head down. So you robbed the jeweller's, turned one of your lovers over to the police, kept the other one to help you find the diamonds, and when he does, you commit perjury in the high court. Come on, Archie. Everybody does it in America. Well, not in this country, they don't. Oh right. Like nobody lies in England, like Margaret Thatcher never lied. Look, you lied to me right from the moment we met. You just wanted to get me into bed. I fell in love with you. How come you dumped me, then? I wasn't rich enough, remember? Say something in Russian. No. What are you thinking, Archie? I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me. How about because I have the key to the safety deposit box? That's a good reason. A good reason. What do we do about Otto? I'll handle Otto. Be careful. He's dangerous. So am I. Keep it running. Why'd you bring him? Otto, just wait! No! I'm beginning to think you like that fool. Let's get the diamonds! Ken? Are you Ken? How do you do? I'm George's barrister. (TYRES SCREECHING) (CRASH!) Asshole! Bloody hell do you think...? Oh. All right, then. Archie! Where have they gone? Quick. Where have they gone? They've g` They've g... What? Are you all right? Where have they gone? They've gone to the` they've gone to the... Are you ill? The c-c-c... Have you got a stutter? Y-Y-Yeah. OK. Don't worry. Don't worry. Do you know where they've gone? Y-Yes. Fine. Fine. Where? The C-C... Hotel. Hotel? Which hotel? The C... C... The C-C-C... Go on. Go on. The C-C` The C-C... It's OK. All right. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Slowly. Very slowly. Slowly. The C... The Ca... The Ca... The Ca... No hurry. The C-C-Ca... Sing it. Sing. # The ca... # The Ca... The Ca... The Ca... The Ca... Plenty of time. # Ca... # The Ca... The Ca... Oh, come on! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Um, all r... Wait. The Ca... The... Here. Write it. Write it! Cathcart Towers Hotel? Cathcart Towers Hotel. Well, where is it? Ken, where is it? Where? He... He... He... Here. Again. Again. No. (WHISTLES) Vroom! Heathrow Airport. (HONKS HORN) Hey! What's the idea? Frightfully sorry. Excuse me. Terribly sorry. Take it, it's yours. Thank you so much. British Airways to Rio. Rio? Terminal 4, sir. Thank you. Excuse me, sir, is this your vehicle? I'll be right back. Aisle or window, smoking or non-smoking? What was the middle one? Anything in non-smoking's fine. Gate 14 is boarding now. PA: This is the final call for Rio de Janeiro. Will all passengers for this flight... Rio! Otto, don't look back. There's a cop right behind us. Quick! Yes, we can just do it, Mr Leach. Great. Luggage? Don't really need any. Gate 14. Thank you. Ciao, stupidissimo. Whoa! Whoa! Ooh! Oh! Ooh! Oh. Oh. (GUNSHOTS) Come on, Archie, pick up the phone! Sir! Airport security. May I see your boarding pass, please? Oh, yes. Certainly. Certainly. Very good. Now, would you mind stepping over here, please? Oh, look. The Queen. Where? OK. OK. OK. OK. Don't get excited. OK. OK. OK. Oh, it's you. I was actually worried there for a minute. Keep your hands up. No! Put 'em up! I'll make a deal with you. I'll put one up. Put the other one up! Which looks better? I'm warning you, Otto. What are you going to do, Archie, shoot me? Gun me down in cold blood like a dog? Hey! If you want to settle something with me, then why don't you fight me? You're a man, aren't you, Archie? Then let's fight like men. Come on! All right. All right, then. OK. OK. You look good, Arch. That's right, Otto. I used to box for Oxford. Well, I used to kill for the CIA. Now, get your hands up. No. (GUNSHOTS) You spineless bimbo. Now, out. OK, I'm going to have to shoot you now, Archie, but I've got a little time before my plane leaves. And I'm longing to humiliate you, so get in that barrel. What? In the barrel. Right. You English, you think you're so superior, don't you? Well, you're the filth of the planet, a bunch of pompous, badly dressed, poverty stricken, sexually repressed football hooligans. Goodbye, Archie. Well, at least we're not irretrievably vulgar. You know your problem? You don't like winners. Winners? Winners. Winners like North Vietnam? Shut up! We did not lose Vietnam. It was a tie. I'm telling you, baby, they kicked your little arse there. Boy, they whipped yer hide real good! No, they didn't. Yes, they did. Oh, no, they didn't. Oh, yes, they did! Oh, no, they di... Shut up! Goodbye, Archie. You going to shoot me? Yes. Yes, afraid so, old chap. Sorry. Look, Otto! Look! Revenge! It's K-K-K-Ken c-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me. How are you going to c-c-c-catch me, K-K-K-Ken? Now, where was I? Oh! Yeah. Shit! God` s` fucking limey cement! (GRUNTS) (GUNSHOT) (GUN CLICKS) Ken. Ken. Wait. Wait, Ken. Kenny! Kenny! May I call you Kenny? Revenge for Wanda. I got the deal of a lifetime. 50-50, you and me. What do you say? OK. OK. OK. 60-40. That's my final offer. Revenge! I got an idea. You take it all. Yeah. Here's my boarding pass. I'm going to... I'm going to k-k-kill you. OK, fine. Fine, Ken, come at me. Give me your best shot. Go on, Ken. You don't have the guts! Admit it! OK, you have the guts. Good. Wait. Forget it. All right. I'm sorry I ate your fish. OK? I'm sorry! Revenge! Jesus! I said I'm sorry! What the f`? Argh! Got him! (PLANE ENGINE STARTS) (LAUGHS) You chicken! You bastard! Hey. I've lost my stutter. It's gone. I can speak. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (LAUGHS) Good afternoon, sir. Boarding pass? Bongiorno, signorina. Now, listen. Two things. One ` behave yourself from now on, or I'll break your neck, OK? Two ` Gorbachev. Glasnost. Molotov. Blinis. Uh, Lenin. Pushkin. Chicken Kiev. Good. Dostoevsky. Roubles. Vladivostok. Asshole! (SAXOPHONE MUSIC) Captioning performed by the National Captioning Institute, Inc. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018