1 (FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) RAPS: # On a tiny little island at the bottom of the world, there's two funny boys and a funny little girl. # Who's got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet? # Always looking for adventure and a place to run around, # they know where there's mystery and magic to be found. # They've got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet. # So you wanna join the club? You wanna save the Earth? # You wanna show your bravery? Show just what you're worth? # So kick off your shoes and release your feet. # Yell it out the window. Yell it in the street, like... # ...we're the Bandits, Barefoot Bandits. # They've got bare feet. # Where's those bare feet? 10-toed bare feet. # Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # Nobody rush to help me. Copyright Able 2017 (EXCITING MUSIC) (BOOM!) (ENGINE REVS, ZOOMING) (BOOM! ENGINE REVS, PUTTERS) JNR-572, are thrusters thrusting at full thrustability, ow? I believe we're almost at maximum thrust, boss. If we don't make it in time, everything will change. (ENGINE REVS WEAKLY) Tuuuuumeke! We're cutting it close, bro. Real close. Destination up ahead, boss. Shall I prepare the reverse thrusters? On my count, bro. Three, two... One Break-As Breakfast Bucket, please. MAN: I'm sorry, sir. We stopped serving breakfast two minutes ago. Please refer to our lunch menu. Thank you! SOBS: Stiiiiink! Oh, what a cliffhanger. Oh, I wonder what he's gonna choose instead. I mean, I feel like a fish burger makes sense for a nice breakfast stand-in, but then again he might go for chicken. (GASPS) Holy! Check it out! Ngaro's on TV. I'm coming to you live from the small and utterly insignificant island of Ngaro. A-hem! Not all that insignificant. I mean, we've just recently refurbished our public rest rooms. Yes, a town filled with... weird and I'd say wonderful people. And that's what brings me here today to do a story that I'm far too overqualified to be doing. This itty-bitty island will be the testing ground for a major international fast-food chain, and all will be revealed very soon. So if you're in the mood to shovel piles of junk food into your talk hole, well, right here is where you need to be. Oh, we need to be there. (GASPS) Maybe we can get on camera. I've always wanted to yell something naughty on live TV. (GIGGLES) Like what? Um, I don't know. Like, something funny like, uh, uh, bum or (LAUGHS) or-or fart! (LAUGHS) Ooh, my. Who invited the sailor? Guys, we're wasting valuable eating time here. Let's go. (FUNKY MUSIC) All right, folks. I need no introduction, but because there's a camera here, I'm the esteemed mayor, Dennis Gobb. SLURS: Nice to meet you, Dennis. You look like a nice lady we know. (CHUCKLES) Quiet, Harry. I thought we were going to put him somewhere where the cameras couldn't see him. LOUDLY: Well, this is a very exciting day here on Ngaro. Let's have a look here. READS: 'It's not often a major international corporation 'chooses to exploit the secluded wonders of such a small town.' Oh. So that's... that's good, isn't it? Very lucky, aren't we? (GAPES) I haven't been this excited since Mum said I could have one jelly bean, but all the jelly beans were stuck together so I counted them as one. it was a wonderful jelly bean loophole. I wonder what this place is going to look like. Probably pretty flash, I reckon. Oh, wow, it does look pretty flash. I can see it perfectly from this angle. Come round. You guys are in the wrong spot. Hey! You're supposed to be standing directly in front of me. (SIGHS) See, this is why I wanted to get a curtain that goes all the way around. All right. Well, can we g` I'm gonna tug on it. Here we go! Behold, Sugar Burger! (GASPS) And I'm Mr Sugarthumb. Ha-ha! (SCREAMS) What's that? Get it away from me! Sugar Burger? That doesn't sound very health-conscious. (LAUGHS GOOFILY) It isn't. But we don't discriminate against negative nitwits and party poopers. Everybody, come on in! (MAN) SMOOTH AMERICAN ACCENT: Here at Sugar Burger, we take yesterday's freshest ingredients and make it today's deliciousness. All with a touch of the Sugarthumb. VOICE ECHOES: Who is he? Who is he? BOTH SING: # Sugar fu-fu. Don't stop. Fu-fu-ah! # Sugar fu-fu. Don't stop. Fu-fu-ah! # Sugar fu-fu. Don't stop. Fu-fu-ah! # Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar-r-r-r-r-r. # Sugar Burger does not take any responsibility for the side effects caused by ingesting our food. Those include shirt staining, saucy fingers, hair loss, hair gain, neck widening, restless legs, really restless legs, loss of rhythm, enhanced gas, diminished gas, tooth shrinkage, hives, increased mortgage rates, athlete's foot, athlete's other foot, crufu and run-of-the-mill hay fever. (LAUGHS GOOFILY) Whoa, check this place out. It's so shiny and new. I'm all of a sudden becoming very aware of our grubby bare feet. Everything on the Sugar Burger menu has been touched by the Sugarthumb, from the Double Bacon Candyfloss Burgers to the Candy-coated French Fries. Aren't we trying to steer away from too much sugar these days? You can steer yourself home to a carrot if you like. (CHUCKLES) But in my world, sugar reigns supreme. (WHIMPERS) Will there be plenty of job opportunities? (CHUCKLES) Not a one! Sugar Burger is the world's first fully automated fast-food restaurant. But don't take my word for it. Please, try it out for yourself. H-How many nights will this shoe get me in your luxurious hotel? COMPUTERISED VOICE: Only items listed on our Sugarthumb approved menu are available. (HICCUPS) Oh well. Bye-bye. I'm not sure I want my kids eating this sort of stuff. Would you like Candy-Coated Fries with that complaint, ma'am? Well, I... I guess I'll take some. Can I get it with a toy, Mum, please? Just this once. I'll never ask again. OK. But this will not become a regular thing. (MUNCHES) Whoa, these fries are making my teeth feel all buzzy! (PAPER RUSTLES) (GASPS) Check it out! (TOY LAUGHS CRAZILY) I will never get tired of this. Ooh, wonder what I got. Oh, probably a lipstick. I mean, why does society insist on creating a gender divide? Ooh! No, I got a cool insect. Hey, guys, look at this, it's co` Oh, it's real! It's real! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! (SIGHS) It went in my hair, didn't it? Great (!) Guess I'm washing my hair this month. So what did you get, Tane? I got a... Um, I dunno what it is. Weird. (BLEEPING) Ooh! It's doing something. COMPUTERISED VOICE: Please help. Held prisoner at Sugar Burger. Please help? (GASPS) Someone needs our help at Sugar Burger. You guys are taking that Kiddie Meal toy very seriously. We should go. What if it's for real? Do you think it's worth me trying to talk you guys out of this? Nah, bro. Let's go. 9 (FUNKY MUSIC) What if all of this is some elaborate trap? What if someone's luring us into a deep-fryer? (GASPS) What if they're making burgers out of`? - Children! - (ALL SCREAM) Sorry, kids. I'm a very enthusiastic door opener, as you might know. So, what are you lot up to at this hour? Someone at Sugar Burger needs our help, Mr Gobb. And we never turn down a mystery. Ever. Oh, Sugar Burger. Yes. Where that Mr... hmm... Sugarthumb fellow is. Right, well, I'm afraid you're on your own with that one, kids. Are you afraid of Mr Sugarthumb? Well, if you must know, yes. Let me tell you the story. It all started when I was a young tyke. I was food shopping with Mum, and as I looked across the supermarket, I saw a man dressed as a pineapple. Then what happened? What do you mean 'then what happened?' That's it! You kids and your inability to listen. I saw a man dressed as a pineapple! I mean, imagine that! I've been affected ever since. I can't look at food-related mascots without... (SIGHS) I guess you had to be there. Yeah, that's incredibly specific. Oh, is it? Good. Well, off you trot, you lot. Good luck with your nonsense. (CHUCKLES) Howdy, kids! Back already? How can we fill you up tonight? Mr Sugarthumb, we think someone might be trapped in your restaurant. We got a message asking for help. (CHUCKLES) I'm sure you're mistaken. This is just (GRUNTS)... (CRACKING) ...a faulty kiddie toy. (HOOVERING) (BLEEPING) (GASPS) COMPUTERISED VOICE: Me. (GASPS) (CHUCKLES) We've had a whole bunch of faulty ones. It's very frustrating. Well, we are very sorry for bothering you, Mr Sugarthumb. Wonderful establishment you have here. I know for a fact I will overeat here often. Yeah, sorry, sir. We just like to help. Uh, Mr Sugarthumb. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hi. Um, is it cool if we play in the, uh, playground? You know, cos we're kids and we love doing kiddie things. Just little` little dumb kid stuff. Get me in the ball patch. (CHUCKLES) Just` Just stuff like that? I'm sorry. No purchase, (GRIMLY) no play. Ooh! I'll buy something. Mum gives me emergency money. This seems like an emergency ` of the tummy variety, hmm? (DOORS WHIRR) Well, all in all, this little excursion didn't turn out so bad. (SLURPS) Fridge, drop the ice cream. You know that's not gonna happen. OK, trust me, you have to drop it right now. (GROANS) (SIGHS) SADLY: Look at it! You turned our smiles upside down. And now we frown. Just wait. (HOOVERING) Thanks, bro. It was you, wasn't it? You were the one that asked for help. ROBOT: We must be careful. (GASPS) Sugarthumb has spies everywhere. He's a real nosy idiot. Whoa! You don't even talk like a robot does. No, mate, I'm more than just a robot. I've been awoked` awaked? That sounds wrong. What's the word? Awoked-ed. Awoken. And a robot should know that. Yes. See? I make foolish human mistakes. I've been awoken. While I was designed to be nothing more than a worker bot, I started to feel things, to want things. I became aware there was a world beyond these sugar-coated walls. (GRUNTS) Whoa, he's right. They taste like sugar. (GRUNTS) Nope, that bit tasted like snot. So, Bevan, how come you can't just leave? Because I know his secrets. And because I'm` ...the property of Sugar Burger. Whoops. Hello. He's not going anywhere. But he's evolved. He's special. You can't keep him locked up. I can, because he's a robot. And I have a business to run. A business built on slavery is sugar addiction. Sugar is delicious. Delicious is addictive. And both those things make me incredibly rich. Um, you can be rich without being a mean-as bully. Do you see what you've done, Bevan? This is all turning into a thing. I moved here to get away from the big-city do-gooders. But it just doesn't go away, does it? Even Nowheresville bumpkins can't help but meddle! He seems angry. Yeah. Yeah, he gets like this. Sugar Burger, close down. (ALARM WHOOPS) (KNOCKS) You lot better run! Server bots, cockroach elimination mode! (ALARM CONTINUES) (BLEEPING) It's looking at me! Run! (SCARY MUSIC) (RURU HOOTS, CRICKETS CHIRP) Sweetie, I think I'm craving some of those candy-coated fries. I thought you hated that stuff. Oh, I do, definitely. Oh, it's just terrible. But, you know, crazy pregnancy cravings. Right now? If you want me to keep smiling, yes, please. (SIGHS) All right. (TENSE MUSIC) (PANTS) Which way do we go? I think this little red light is showing us the way. Which way, little fella? Ha! Look, it jumped on to my hand. (BEVAN GASPS) (LASER BLASTS) (SQUEALS) Come on, we have to move fast. It's coming! It tried to laser me. - Guys, let's` Aah! - (LASER BLASTS) (GASPS) Tane! Don't worry, Tane, we'll find you! Aah! (BOTH YELL) (BALLS CLATTER) Oh, i-it's a dead end. Where do we go? It's all good, mate. Calm down, take a breath. I'm a robot. I know all the shortcuts. I know` Hang on, where are we? This all looks` (MUSICAL NOTE) Yeah, I know this. (TUNE PLAYS) (CREAKING) Follow me. This must be eliminated and recycled. (GASPS) (BOTH GRUNT) (ZAPPING) (SIGHS) That was close. 9 Oh, this is really ruining playgrounds for me. Shh! Get down. (WHIMPERS) WHISPERS: It's coming! (BLEEPING) (WHIRRING) (MOUTHS) (CRAZED LAUGHTER) (SCREAMS) Oh! What was that? It came from your pocket. My pocket is haunted? Oh, wait. Oh no, shame. You were scared by a toy. Oh, how must you feel? (CRAZED LAUGHTER) Get it away from me! I'm tired of it. You're in my crosshairs. Oh, it's seen us! Run! (ALARM WHOOPS) - (HISSING) - (GASPS) Holy. This playground turned freaky. Mm, yes. This is where they keep all of Sugar Burger's secret ingredients. I love it down here. That's a lot of sugar. (GASPS, WHIMPERS) It's a Thugarthumb` It'th a th` I hate that word. That's his costume. That's what he wears to work. (SIGHS) 'Keep away from open flames. Do not tumble dry. 'Do not machine wash.' (SNIFFS) Oh! Explains the stink-as smell. (CHUCKLES) (CREAKING) Someone's coming! Oh, shh, shh. (CREAKING, YELLING) (BOTH GRUNT) I don't think that playground is up to code. Are you guys OK? We managed to lose old Square Head a few tunnels back. Yeah. Yeah, that was a piece of cake. Once I stopped screaming. (FUNKY MUSIC) (CRICKETS CHIRP) Jack! (GASPS) (SIGHS) What are you doing? Oh! Sorry, Jack. I'm just excited to see you is all. (CHUCKLES) Look at you. Usually, I... Well, I sit here all night hoping someone will come by. But they never do. Except tonight. It's been all hustle and bustle out here. Those three weird kids passed by here not long ago. One of them's yours, I believe. They shouldn't be out. Where were they going? Uh, to that Sugar Burger place, I think. Yeah. Apart from a creepy-costumed mascot, I doubt they can get into any trouble there. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Wow. Everything about this place seems very unsafe. (GASPS) Guys. Guys! I think I've found the secret Candy-Coated Fries recipe. (GASPS) The secret is they take ordinary fries and dip them in a candy coating. It's genius. And look! To make our own Sugar Burger patties, we just need three tablespoons of sugar, an egg and a cup of minced cockroaches. I'm sorry, what I meant to say was (SCREAMS) cockroaches! BOTH: Gross! Yes, pretty gross. These are the secrets that saw me downgraded from server bot to cleaner bot. Once Mr Sugarthumb knew of my enhanced artificial intelligence, he wouldn't let me near the customers. Um, guys, where did that Sugarthumb costume go? (SCARY MUSIC) It's not a costume! It's a symbol of everything sweet and delicious in this world! And you're ruining it! You're feeding people cockroaches and keeping robots with real intelligence captive. I'm tired of being shut down by do-gooders that can't take a little vermin in their food! And as for you, Bevan, it's time I shut you down once and for all! With this. Huh? Do you mean this? Give that to me. It controls everything. Like a robot's freedom? Choice! (GRUNTS) (GASPS) (ZAPPING) (ALARM WHOOPS) Nice. What was that? Has that been there the whole time? Hey, guys, this way. (WHIMPERS) I may have lost control, (LAUGHS CRAZILY) but my server bots are still set to eliminate pests. Oh no! Server bots. Engage cleaning missiles. (LASER POWERS UP) Cockroach targeted. Oh goodie (!) (SUGARTHUMB YELLS) And so, yeah, that's pretty much my life story from that section. We're looking at zero to 7 in years, of course. After that, 8. Dennis. Mm? I really have to go. (BOOM!) The kids! The economic growth! And, yes, the kids! (FIRE CRACKLES) Kids! Are you OK? What happened? Everyone got out ` except Mr Sugarthumb. Oh, that... that is a shame. Oh. Is everyone OK? Oh, look at this. This costume's seen better days, I can tell you. (SNIFFS) Golly. BOTH: He got out? What on earth happened? Was it faulty wiring? It's usually faulty wiring, isn't it? They set me free. Oh! And I bags that he comes and lives with me. If-If that's OK? Yeah, maybe. I'll have to wait and see what your house looks like. Well, that's very nice, but your mum's still going to be furious. Would these help sweeten the blow? Yes! Oh yes, they will. Well, I guess I, uh, never saw you kids here. (SIGHS) All right, who's gonna clean this mess up? Not me! (SCREAMS) Come on! Sorry, Dennis. I couldn't resist, mate. Tell you what, though. Eugh! This thing smells like it hasn't been washed in a donkey's age. And as quickly as it came, it was all taken away. While details are still vague, at this stage one thing is for certain. I'm doing a story from a very bizarre place. All right, go ahead. (GIGGLES) B` And now for the weather. Hey! I was gonna say butt! (SCARY MUSIC) (CRAZED LAUGHTER, ZAPPING) Captions by Tracey Dawson. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2017