D-ohh! screams Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 I have to research a paper. Where did all the books go? Books? Books are for squares. We're now a multimedia learning centre for children of all ages,... but mostly bums. all snoring Bart: Ay, caramba! mumbling There are hardly any books at all! No books? But Krabappel wants a paper on Henry VIII, and I have to score at least a pumpkin sticker or better on it. Oh, there, there. I can help you kids. all gasp I know a little something about history. Gather round. Henry VII had everything he could want, except a son to follow in his footsteps... trumpet fanfare # I'm Hen-e-ry VII, I am. # Hen-e-ry VII, I am, I am. # I've been eating since 6am. # For dessert, I'll have dinner again. # My name's synonymous with gluttony. # I'll always eat a turkey or a ham... # Stop singing that song! We all know who you are. Her Majesty, Margarine of Aragon! What are you doing out of bed? I just planted my seed in your womanly dirt. Your Majesty, I know you want a son, but must we discuss my womb in front of the entire court? laughter As royal physician, it is my learned opinion that her womb is filled with sea serpents. Hmm... mumbling Must sire a dude... Must sire a dude... Father dearest, I am the son you crave! I'm smart, athletic and ever so masculine. Could a girl belch like this? (huge belch) Oh, my beautiful boy! Why can't I have you? I don't know. Too much jerkin' your merkin? Why you little...! Get out of my dreams and into my wife! I could have married the King of France. He wasn't so preoccupied with procreation. Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Know what I mean? Oh, look at me ` I eat and eat and eat and I never get any thinner! Well, there's more of you to worship, oh, Sire. Who would dare to flatter a king? Anne Boleyn ` loyal subject, big fan. Modern Wench Magazine dubbed me 'Anne of the child-bearing hips.' Yes,... wide hips indeed. My son could cartwheel out! Yoink! Where are you taking me? Marriage counselling! Ohh... Mmm... We came here to talk about our problems. Fine. I want to marry Anne Boleyn, but I can't chop my wife's head off, because her father is King of Spain. Your Majesty, your feelings are valid, but I'm afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work. snaps fingers And who needs that? I say trade in that lemon and get biz-zay. Whoo-hoo! Divorce?! Sire, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic church. But it's the only church we've got, so what are you gonna do? I'll start my own church. Wha...? Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of marriages will end in it. Your Majesty, I work for the Pope. And I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you. Hmm, I understand. And because you stuck to your principles, I'm going to canonise you. I can see my house... Sweetie, sometimes a daddy and a mommy decide to live apart. It's not your fault. It's just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything. So grow a penis or get lost. straining I can't. Bye-bye! Well, why can't your heir be female? Or-or why can't we elect our leaders? I wonder if I could canonise a child. Leaving! Hey, I invented divorce. How did you get half of everything? You should have invented the pre-nup. And now, half of your kingdom, please. I get Ireland?! laughing Minister: And by the power vested in me by you just now, I pronounce you king and trophy queen. In the name of the Henry, the Hank and the Holy Harry. Amen. Henry. Okay, now let's put a son in the oven! Henry, sorry I bore you a daughter. Oh... stop, Anne. I'll love her as much as I love you. drumroll Your head lives for five seconds afterwards, so I left a magazine in the basket. Sir Scratchy, I accuse you of conducting a Catholic mass! Lord Itchy, I accuse you of not signing the act of succession! screaming epithets Oh... if only I had a son to enjoy this with. Hey, baby. How would you like to be queen for a day? laughing It's funny 'cause you're king. Do you, Jane Seymour, take this king to be your lawfully wedded husband till your first little spat? Oh, I do! I double do! Henry is the ginchiest! The Lord is my shep... I told you I was a dude. You didn't dump me, I dumped you! Ugh! Why on earth did I marry you? My track record! I've had ten sons. Now take a ride on the king-maker! Ooh! Swing and a miss! Oh, come on! I'm 95! You could use a butter knife, for God's sake! Sire, I know what you usually do to the bearer of bad news, but, um... Well, we're running out of pikes to stick your wives' heads on to. I'll show you running out of pikes! Hey, what do you know? You were right. That means a lot. Henry: My whole life I was looking for that one woman whose execution could bring me happiness. Now I realise I was just beheading myself for divorcing you. And locking me in a dungeon. chuckling coughing Listen to us. We still finish each other's sentences. Margarine, won't you take back an old head-chopping fool? Of course, Your Majesty. Let me just fluff your pillow for you. muffled scream Finally, Henry's daughter, Elizabeth, became queen. England's power was never greater, and British actresses always had a role to play when they got to a certain age. That was awesome, Mrs S. Check-plus-plus, here I come! laughing grunts Wow, the library really is a great resource! And I just came in here to trip nerds for nothin'. Ha-ha! I have to research a paper. Where did all the books go? 1 Mom, I can't find anything on Sacagawea. Just a couple of books on Ron Santo. No problem! In elementary school, we girls learned about Sacagawea while the boys were learning math. OK. All right! Toilet paper. In 1804, President Jefferson sent Lewis and Clark, and some embedded journalists, to find the northwest passage. They paddled up the Mississippi from St Louis. When winter came, Lewis and Clark tried to set up camp, but encountered much hardship. both groaning in pain Come spring, they sought help from Native Americans. Long have we awaited the coming of the white man... and Carl. Thanks, and welcome to the United States of America. Have a flag. And while you're at it, cover your nakedness and worship our Lord. Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on it. Now, in order to aid your journey across the land, I offer you the guidance of my daughter, Sacagawea. In our language, her name means "Little know-it-all who won't shut her maize hole." I will be happy to help the Americans. Of course, I will be sad to leave my husband, the French fur trader, Charbonneau. French accent: I will come with you-- because by myself, ze darkness, she scares me. I don't know why I ever sold you to him. Okay, those berries are poison, those leaves are poison oak, and your belt is a snake, also poisonous. I'll tell you what's poisonous-- your attitude. Mmm. You know, these... ooh! groaning Ooh... I'm dying. But at least people will always remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleburger. groans Also, if you're confronted by a mountain lion, try to make yourself look as big as possible. All right! Customers! And they said you couldn't open a bar in Kansas. Eh... hey! Well, nothing can crush the frontier spirit. That'll do it. groans loudly Lenny: At last, the Pacific Ocean. Sacagawea: That's a mud puddle. Some of us find solutions instead of just pointing out problems. How did you two ever get to be explorers? We got the job because we own a compass. was just painted on. It's been two years, so our brave explorers should be right about here. You morons! explorers gasping rifles cocking sound of rifles cocking Wait! That's my brother! Don't kill them! They're my friends! Oh, come on, can't we at least have one pity scalp? Ah, my brother-in-law. I haven't seen you since I killed all your buffalo. Water under the bridge, eh? Eh? Don't forget the eyebrows. Carl: Wow, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific, and get us some sweet mermaid sex. For the last time, slowly : those are salmon! How do you like that? Sacagawea has an opinion! Big surprise. You know, you could be a little more grateful to us for civilising you. blows nose squirrel chittering I am the only reason you guys made it this far alive. From now on, you're on your own! muttering : Stupid thing... the compass is painted on... Aw, she'll be back. She forgot her husband. Ingrates. After all I did for them. Oh, warm, woolly rock, you're my only friend. snarls fiercely gasping snarling We're big! We're big! Which you mountain lions find terrifying. frightened meowing gasps : They remembered what I taught them! Of course we did. We'll never forget you, Pocahontas. Sacagawea! Gesundheit. gasps: Look! The Pacific Ocean! We made it! We discovered the magnificent Pacific Northwest. thunder rumbling I say we give this lovely land a name worthy of its beauty: Eugene, Oregon! And we owe it all to you! You're gonna get the greatest honour this country can bestow. And today, Lewis's promise has been fulfilled. What is that, a quarter? A Chuck E Cheese token? No. It's a Sacagawea dollar. You can trade it in at the bank for a real dollar! Huh? Able 2014 I have to research a paper. Where did all the books go? d Bart, what famous historical figure do you want to write about? I'unno. The boogeyman? Come on, Bart, we can make this fun. History's like an amusement park, except instead of rides, you have dates to memorise. Mom, everyone who ever lived is boring. Boring? Is there anything boring about a bad-ass rocker who lived fast and died young? I know there's a catch, but tell me more. As a young prodigy, this popular musician wowed audiences across 18th-century Europe. And now, the star of our show, my son... Mozart! He makes Bach turn back... Haydn go into hidin'... and... well, those are the only ones there have been so far. applause and cheers Hello, Vienna! Are there any aficionados in the house? cheering Sonata in a, k331, third movement. I... can't... hear... you! shouting: Sonata in a, k331, third movement! playing sprightly melody squealing music fades Great show, son, but you forgot to push the merchandise! Huh? Huh? Papa, let me be the headliner. I always show up on time, and I close the piano lid ever so softly. Oh, little Salieri, why don't you go play with the other three untalented members of our family-- Tito, Randy and Jermaine? Intro to The Jackson Five's "ABC" plays Sally, no one practices as hard as you, but it's your brother who keeps us in lead-based face powder. Whhhhoa! Whoa-ho! Hmm! sighs scales playing Ewww! A plague rat! cackling Don't you have music to write? I'm doing it right now. I call this my Symphony in "Gee," my Sister Sucks. growls chuckles Oh, Lord, why did you give such transcendent talent to such an undeserving fool? Because you are ug-ly! chuckles What is it about music that enchants us? The notes. Our next award is sponsored by Heinrich's Bratwurst. Papa, can we have a Heinrich's Bratwurst? For outstanding composer age ten and under, the winner is... please let me win... ...Mozart! Orchestra plays Piano concert no. 21 in C major k467 Oh, I can't stand it... Thank you! Thank you! I want to see you all next week at my concert in... Krakow! laughter murmuring voices Wow, it's sold out-- mincing room only! tittering sighing I hope they like the opera. Oh, they're like sheep. As the emperor goes, so do they. snickering Wine here! Get your wine! Claret, port, Riesling! Emperors drink free. I'm an emperor. Nacht-y nacht. sinister chuckle "Allegro" from Eine Kleine Nachtmusik plays # Beans, oh, beans, delicious in your mouth # But watch out when beans come out down south # Tooting, some call it pooting # it's air polluting, the gas comes shooting # right from your butt, butt, butt # butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, buttttt... # Ooh, this makes me want to fop till I drop. Mmm, oh, mmm! I say! Ooh! sighing heavily snoring murmuring The emperor finds it boring. Well, then so do we! Oh-ho-ho! snoring giggling snoring gasps People bored with opera? That's impossible! chuckling To failure, dear brother. Oops. snoring chorus chanting mournful aria coughs hacking cough Oh, Mozart, I know you are gravely ill, so I've brought you the very finest doctor in all of Austria. Guten tag, everybody! Guten tag, Dr. Nick. Guten tag, Dr. Nick. I can tell from here you have too much blood. Let's get you covered in leeches! Don't be shy! Eat the little boy. Now in the morning, you'll be good as new... or dead! But the important thing is, we'll know. choir chants mournful aria sobbing Mozart, you can't die. I don't want to live in a world without the income you produce! sobbing weeping I'll never forget when you were a little baby, and I sang you the lullabies you wrote. Where is my sister? Where is darling Salieri? sobbing I never wanted you to die. I just wanted to destroy your talent and your joy. Dear sister... I have a confession. In the eyes of history, I always thought your music would be judged the best. Really? But now that I'm dying young... I'll be cool forever! sighs Eat my pantaloons! choir chanting mournful aria Mozart is dead! gasping gasping sobbing Get your genuine death masks, fresh off the corpse! Be the first on your block to give me money! chuckling I must show the emperor my requiem Mass. With Mozart dead, I am, at last, the greatest composer alive. chuckling You'll have to wait your turn. The emperor is with yet another musical prodigy. playing "Ode to Joy" Splendid, young Beethoven. I hereby declare all other music obsolete. to tune of Fifth Symphony: # Haw, haw, haw, haw. Haw, haw, haw, haw. # Beethoven's Fifth Symphony plays whistles speaking gibberish fiendish cackling And that's the life of Mozart. Thank God he died young. I've gotta get dinner on the stove. Mom, that sounds a lot like the movie Amadeus, which was historically inaccurate. Mozart worked hard on his music. Salieri was a respected composer. All I know is, the guy who played Mozart was also in Animal House. Now, there's a movie with good music. # Animal house, house, house. # Nobody ever went to class. # Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass. # Animal house, house, house, # animal house, # house, house... # then our journey ends like American Graffiti, # where you found out what happened to everyone. # Eine Klein Nachtmusic plays Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2014 Shh!