MAN: Yo, yo. MAN: Yo, yo. WOMAN: No stressin'. # I don't wanna stress. I wouldn't wanna stress. # I know I gotta stress less for what's best for me. # I gotta rest. But now I gotta step. You see, I gotta step down to what's stressing me. # Too much? Too much? No, no, you keep it up, Dave. Too much? No, no, you keep it up, Dave. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Sorry about the noise. Sorry about the noise. Pardon? Sorry about the noise. Pardon? Sorry about the noise. Not your fault. Not your fault. What's that? Never mind. WHISPERS: I know what you're thinking. You could come to my house, have a good time. Why can't my job come with perks like that? Bit barren at the office? Bit barren at the office? Day one, it's not looking good. Bit barren at the office? Day one, it's not looking good. (CHUCKLES) Margherita pizza and rocket salad? Margherita pizza and rocket salad? Yeah. Margherita pizza and rocket salad? Yeah. Ooh, yum. We shouldn't have ordered the rocket salad. We shouldn't have ordered the rocket salad. You don't like rocket? I do,... but it reminds me of Kathy. Kathy? Kathy? My ex-wife. I thought I'd be OK with the rocket, but... (SOBS) GROOVY MUSIC PLAYS Oh, crap. Hey, Stacey. What can I get ya? What can I get ya? The bloody truth. I think I know it ` tomato juice, right? (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) It's a small world, Dave. At work today, my co-worker and I were talking, and we found out that we had something in common ` you. you. Who do you work with? you. Who do you work with? What do you mean, 'who'? Oh, Jessie! Oh, Jessie! Who the hell is Jessie? I work with Lana. Oh, Lana, right! Oh, Lana, right! Bastard. # I think I'll go. Whoo! # Jesus, Stacey, what the hell? He totally deserved that, eh. Haha, brutal. This is bullshit, Dave. This is bullshit, Dave. I know. This is bullshit, Dave. I know. Every night there's drama. Tell me about it. Tell me about it. You're a train wreck. She knew it was just a one-night thing. If she` How old are you? You haven't clicked ` never believe a woman when she says she understands it's a one-night thing. You're being a bit sexist and making generalisations. Take the night off, clean yourself up and take a good look at yourself. (LAUGHS, SCOFFS) Come on! (LAUGHS, SCOFFS) Come on! Go! (SOBS) I'll just use the bathroom. (SOBS) I'm gonna kill you, Julia. Whatever objection you have to Michael, whatever you're being fussy about, no! He's crying! What did you do to him? What did you do to him? I didn't do anything. He won't stop talking about his ex-wife. Ow. She walked out on him. And why didn't you say? Because it doesn't matter, Cara. Michael is single; he's good-looking. Are you setting your sister up with Miserable Michael? Are you setting your sister up with Miserable Michael? Mwah. Don't call him that. Now, Cara... Now, Cara... Is Miserable Michael really Cara's type? When you've been single as long as she has, you can't afford a type. When you've been single as long as she has, you can't afford a type. I heard that. Maybe you and Phil can rescue me. Maybe you and Phil can rescue me. No can do. Now,... get back out there to Michael. Do I have to? Do I have to? Bye. Shit. CELL PHONE CHIMES (SIGHS) Not again. CELL PHONE CHIMES What? (GASPS) DIAL TONE DIAL TONE This is Michael. Leave me a message. Hello? Anyone? Hello? You're worth it. You're a strong and independent woman. (SIGHS) And hot. You are. Wait! Dine and dash, is it? Dine and dash, is it? THUD! Dine and dash, is it? THUD! Oh! Shit. Shit. (GROANS) Shit. (GROANS) Are you all right? Uh,... yes. (GRUNTS) Yes. Yes, I'm fine. Aah! Yes, I'm fine. Aah! Uh, is it broken? I don't know. And I wasn't doing a dine and dash. The bathroom door handle broke. Oh, yeah, it's always doing that. Oh, yeah, it's always doing that. Mm. (GASPS) Oh. Maybe you should go to A & E. I can let your friends know. I haven't got any. I mean,... I was on a blind date, but I think he just left. Oh. I'll go call a cab. (GIGGLES) BOTH GRUNT, MUTTER (GIGGLES) (GIGGLES) Or I could take you... if you wanted. if you wanted. You don't have to do that. Public service. Pour drinks; escort the injured to the hospital. I'm Dave. Cara. Come on. Come on. (WHIMPERS, CHUCKLES) Oh. Oh. I've got a spare helmet. (SCREAMS) ROCK MUSIC I haven't been on a scooter for years. (CHUCKLES) Hi. (CLEARS THROAT) I need to see a doctor. Fill that in. Thank you. Thanks for the lift. Thanks for the lift. Sweet. Do you want me to stay and give you a lift home after? No, you don't have to do that. No, you don't have to do that. I don't mind. No, you don't have to do that. I don't mind. There's a three-hour wait. (LAUGHS) See ya, Dave. (LAUGHS) Hey, I can handle three hours. So, people actually do blind dates? So, people actually do blind dates? Mm, my sister forced me into it. Why? Why? Because she likes to torture me. (LAUGHS) Anyway, never again. You don't need blind dates anyway. You're smoking hot. We moved to England when I was 2 and came back when I was 12. And you still talk funny. (GIGGLES) And you still talk funny. (GIGGLES) I support the All Blacks. What about you? All Blacks. I'm a Waikato girl, actually, except my sister and I came to boarding school here. And you never went back? And you never went back? Nah, Mum and Dad reckon we're fully-fledged JAFAs now. Triple sec,... tinned plums. Triple sec,... tinned plums. Tinned plums? Blended. And vodka; sugar round the rim. Got me second runner-up at the world champs. And is that the same concoction you're currently wearing? Incident with an insane person and a flying cocktail. OK. OK. But, no, this is a raspberry daiquiri ` one of Hugo's. Needed more rum anyway. Needed more rum anyway. I was a waitress once... for an hour. What happened? What happened? Um, I spilled a tray of drinks on the DJ's turntables. Uh, there was a huge bang, and the whole place was plunged into darkness. (CHUCKLES) Whoa. (CHUCKLES) Whoa. (CHUCKLES) Beauty's much safer. Beauty? Beauty? Mm. Beauty? Mm. Are you a model? (CHUCKLES) My friend and I have just opened a beauty salon and spa on New North Rd. So if you ever need a chest wax... I think I'll pass. (CHUCKLES) I think I'll pass. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) And when I was 15, I was deeply in love with Patrick Swayze. (GIGGLES) Too... Too tragic. Did he dump you? Did he dump you? Sorry? 'Tears in the schoolyard' kind of thing. 'Tears in the schoolyard' kind of thing. It's Patrick Swayze. Oh,... right. (LAUGHS) MARGARET URLICH'S 'ESCAPING' PLAYS Oh, they're playing my song. Really? Really? Mm-hm. Really? Mm-hm. This is your song? (CHUCKLES) # ...in the shadows. # Make a wish and the bad goes. # I can dream, can't I? You know this song?! You know the words?! I might. Don't tell anyone. I might. Don't tell anyone. It's OK. Everyone's got a guilty pleasures file. # You'll see me escaping. # Starry-eyed am I, # knowing that when I try to forget you, # love brings me out of my... # MUSIC STOPS I won't give up the day job, then. BABY CRIES < PA: Cara Gray. < PA: Cara Gray. Yes. < PA: Cara Gray. Yes. No, sorry. This isn't right. This isn't right. No. It's been more like 10 hours than three. The little girl should be seen before me. The little girl should be seen before me. Sorry, what? They've been here for ages. The mum's really frazzled. I don't mind if they go before me. Whatever. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. You're welcome. OK, then. (EXHALES) I'm so sorry. Hey, you should go home. No, it's... It's fine. Nothing else to do. Quite the gentleman you've got yourself there. (CHUCKLES) That doctor's face when I said I fell out the bathroom window. (LAUGHS) What are you doing now? Can I buy you a drink? Oh, um,... it's late, and also I... We could skip the drink and go back to my place. We could skip the drink and go back to my place. No. Thanks anyway. Eh? Thanks for everything. See you, Dave. What? Can I have your number? Trust me, you don't want my number. ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC MAN: Yo, yo. MARGARET URLICH'S 'ESCAPING' PLAYS MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING What the hell? What the hell? Oh. What the hell? Oh. What are you doing? I wasn't actually, um, listening to that` I wasn't actually, um, listening to that` Hey, Dave. Well, thank you for the most incredible... sex... I've... ever... had. Oh, you know, any time. See ya. Pissed off at me? Pissed off at me? No, I'm worried for you. You do know Stacey's not stable? It would've just been a revenge root for her. It would've just been a revenge root for her. And you're OK with this? > I needed a bit of light relief. It's been a shitter of a week. I needed a bit of light relief. It's been a shitter of a week. And it's only halfway through. Great (!) I hate my job. FUNKY BEAT DOOR OPENS DOOR OPENS Morning. How was last night? I want all the details. Michael's still in love with his ex-wife. Oh. Did you shag him? Oh. Did you shag him? Of course not. Why not? Why not? He's in love with his ex-wife. We're talking a shag, not love. It's a bit of fun. How is it fun if one of the participants is sobbing the whole way through? Excuses. How long's it been, Cara? Surprised there aren't any cobwebs down there. Stop it. Stop it. Or are there? Holy sh` What is that? Oh no, my lucky shoes. Did you fall over in them? They can be a bit treacherous. I fell out of a bathroom window. Oh, trying to escape the bad date. Of course not. Who does that? I have once. The guy was a real tit. Anyway, three and a half hours at the A & E later... Anyway, three and a half hours at the A & E later... God, what a waste of your night off. Wasn't so bad. < DOOR OPENS < DOOR OPENS Hey, you gorgeous things. < DOOR OPENS Hey, you gorgeous things. Hey, Dylan. Go on through. # Ooh, ah, sexy... # Give me a beer. Make it a big one. Give me a beer. Make it a big one. Another crap day at work? Give me a beer. Make it a big one. Another crap day at work? Bro, work is awesome. Excuse me, you're at my desk. Her name's Betty, bro, and she's real cute. You can have that one. But I was here first. I started on Monday, and you weren't here. But I was here first. I started on Monday, and you weren't here. Cos I had a sinus infection. OK. I already put my screensaver in that computer. Tough shit. Tough shit. And I friended her on Facebook, and she accepted. Shit. Stacey's changed her status to 'in a relationship'. Well, that's good. Well, that's good. With me. How did she do that? Shit. Shit. I know. No, in the real world she's here. Back room! Go, go, go! Hey, have you seen Azza? I left him, like, five messages on his phone. I left him, like, five messages on his phone. Sorry. Whose is that? Whose is that? Mine. Right. OK, well, if you see him... OK, well, if you see him... I'll tell him. OK. She's gone. If Betty sees Facebook, she'll think I'm in a relationship with Stacey. Eh? Eh? Maybe I should unfriend Betty. But I don't wanna unfriend her. But I don't wanna unfriend her. Unfriend Stacey. Genius! Yes! This is it, bro. Betty is the real thing. But you've only just met her. But you've only just met her. Yeah. MOMENTOUS MUSIC MUSIC SWELLS z Get out of here! Hey, bro. Hey, bro, you dropped this. Hey, bro. Hey, bro, you dropped this. Thanks. MARGARET URLICH'S 'ESCAPING' PLAYS QUIETLY Hi. Hi. I found you. You were looking? I have been to six beauty salons, a spa-pool shop and a slightly dodgy massage parlour with free beer. New North Rd is quite long. New North Rd is quite long. Yes. Anyway, uh,... you left me holding this. I, um... I took it to the bar, cos I thought you might come and` Oh, I haven't really been going anywhere. Oh, I haven't really been going anywhere. Right. Who is this person? And why is he holding my lucky shoe? This is Dave. Um, I left it at the A & E, so... You were at the A & E? You were at the A & E? I took her after she fell. You were at the A & E? I took her after she fell. Did you just? So, yeah, I, um, searched for all the beauty salons on New North Rd. We... can't afford a website yet. We're... We're quite new. (LAUGHS) My mate Az could probably do you a website ` mates' rates. My mate Az could probably do you a website ` mates' rates. Ooh, 'mates' rates'. Not that we're mates... yet. I mean, we could be. Especially if you buy me a drink. Or I could buy you a drink. Dinner? What do you think? She thinks yes. She thinks yes. I'm kind of quite busy. No, you're not. No, you're not. I've got things, um, most nights this week, so... You're free Friday night. I know you are ` all night. Friday night's great! Friday night is perfect. No, you cannot have Friday night off. No, you cannot have Friday night off. It's an emergency. An emergency that you know about days in advance. OK, it's a girl. OK, it's a girl. Nope. OK, it's a girl. Nope. But she's... Nope. Nope. ...different! I think she might be the one. The what? The one who... Like, that thing where... Wham! And stuff goes different. Are you on crack? Are you on crack? And I'll do the stocktake. What? What? I'll do the stocktake on Sunday. What? I'll do the stocktake on Sunday. This must be some special chick. What are you doing, Jules? What are you doing, Jules? Staff memo. READS: 'To all staff, note that the office is an adults-only environment. 'Just as we would not expect co-workers to bring their dogs, cats, birds or fish to work, 'nor should children be allowed into the workplace.' 'nor should children be allowed into the workplace.' That doesn't sound right. True. 'Children... 'and babies.' Oh, don't look at me like that. You don't know what it's like ` other people's bloody offspring. (LAUGHS) Lovely (!) Well, it's true. Why should I be distracted in my work because Paula Milton's au pair got school sores? Still, I think you should consider whether it's a good idea to send the memo. It might come across as a little mean. Oh, I think it's a reasonable request. Are you staying for dinner? Oh, I think it's a reasonable request. Are you staying for dinner? No. Um, I'm going out. (CHUCKLES) Where? Where? Nowhere. Dinner. Who with? Who with? Just a guy who asked me. What guy? Nice one. Nice one. I mean, what does he do? Where did you meet him? Um,... A & E. A doctor! Though he must be just a GP if he's at an A & E. You don't want a GP. You want a specialist. Good luck, Cara. Good luck, Cara. Thanks. And send. Foot's better, then? Foot's better, then? Yeah, much better. Foot's better, then? Yeah, much better. (CHUCKLES) Good. And how about yourself? Any more flying cocktail incidents? Well, my flatmate's taken Stacey off my hands, so sweet as. (LAUGHS) Well, my flatmate's taken Stacey off my hands, so sweet as. (LAUGHS) Uh-huh. Here we are. Here? Here? Is this not OK? Looks expensive. Yeah,... crap. I don't do this much. You must go on heaps of dates. You must go on heaps of dates. Don't usually do the date part. Girls throwing themselves at you, I suppose? I don't necessarily take advantage or anything. Look, is it OK if we go somewhere else? Look, is it OK if we go somewhere else? Yep. CHILDREN CHATTER Mmm. Mmm. I went out with a girl once who wouldn't eat in front of me. At all? At all? Not even a salad leaf. (SCOFFS) (SCOFFS) But you... I think you might be my perfect woman. Mm, I don't think so. Mm, I don't think so. How come? You're not married, are you? Oh, not any more. Eh? You've been married? I was very young, very stupid. It didn't last. He, kind of, wanted to pursue other interests. Like what? Like what? Like not being married. (LAUGHS) What about you? Never even come close. Oh, I mean once, maybe, but she, um... Yeah. Nope. Nope, I'm just me,... and I like it that way. I'm not looking for a relationship. That's my line ` word for word. That's my line ` word for word. It's not you. I just... don't do relationships... at all. That's good,... cos neither do I. CLANG! CLANG! Oh! Sorry. (GASPS) (GASPS) I kicked your, uh,... garden gnome. Why do you have a garden gnome? garden gnome. Why do you have a garden gnome? For good luck. If you say so. (PANTS) Nice place. Many flatmates? Nice place. Many flatmates? They're away. Nice place. Many flatmates? They're away. BOTH PANT BOTH GRUNT, PANT (CLEARS THROAT) Have you got, um...? (CLEARS THROAT) Have you got, um...? Have you? (CLEARS THROAT) Have you got, um...? Have you? No, I don't. Stay right there. Stay right there. OK. It's OK. It's just... sex. Intruder! (WHIRRS) Prepare for battle! Who are you? Shit! Shit! One step and I'll chop it off, pervert. Jesus! Jesus! Ew, who's he? Pervert home invader. Pervert home invader. Gran! ALL: Look, Gran, a home invader. ALL: Look, Gran, a home invader. Everybody, get back. You can do it. It's called fun. Police, please. Police, please. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's an intruder in my living room. Your living room? Your living room? Don't you move. I've done self-defence. < Are you there, officer? He's not wearing any clothes. Shit! Shit! I'm just gonna grab my things. Jasmine, put that down. Jasmine, put that down. (WHIMPERS) Oh, shit and hell! OMG. Gross. I` I'm so sorry. Oh no. Oh no. What? Oh no. What? It's a false alarm. You're, um, meant to be in Hamilton. Well, we decided to come home early. Well, we decided to come home early. I died three times before afternoon tea. And Gran had a fight with the motel man. > Not a fight ` strong words. There was a bad smell in the bathroom. Children, come on, let's go. Into your rooms. Quickly. Children, come on, let's go. Into your rooms. Quickly. Can I have Supa-Muso-Man? Come on, Logan. Come on, Logan. Mummy, why is he in the nuddy? Come on, Logan. Mummy, why is he in the nuddy? Logan. 'Mummy'? Go inside, honey. I'll be there in a minute, OK? Good boy. I wasn't expecting them back till tomorrow afternoon. I wasn't expecting them back till tomorrow afternoon. Your flatmates? It's sort of true. It's sort of true. You live with your mother. No, no,... Marion's my mother-in-law ` Stewie's mum. My ex-husband's mum. She has the flat downstairs. She looks after the kids while I work. She has the flat downstairs. She looks after the kids while I work. Kids? Plural? Logan and the girls ` Scarlett and Jasmine. Logan and the girls ` Scarlett and Jasmine. Those girls? But they're big. They're like actual people. You have three kids. I started young. I started young. What? At preschool? I had Scarlett ` the medieval princess; she does LARPing ` when I was 24. She's the reason I got married. She's the reason I got married. Hold on. Wait. When you were 24? When were you 24? When I got married. I thought you said you got married when you were really young. I thought you said you got married when you were really young. 24 is really young. I'm 24! What? Now? What? Now? Yes! You're not. You're not. I was born in 1990. You're not. I was born in 1990. 1990? That's not possible. You're... Oh. How old are you? Oh God. You're in your 30s, aren't you? You're in your 30s, aren't you? Yes. I'm 39. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. It's not that old. Oh, Jesus. It's not that old. You're 39! Well, how old did you think I was? Well, how old did you think I was? I don't know. I didn't think about it. 30 tops? Really? Really? But you're not. Really? But you're not. No, but neither are you. You thought I was 30? But you're really tall. And the song Escaping ` why would a 24-year-old know that song? My mum used to play it at parties. All that ancient music reminds me of being a kid and falling asleep in the beanbag. 'Ancient music'? 'Ancient music'? (SIGHS) 'Ancient music'? (SIGHS) I gotta get back to the kids. The kids you never once mentioned? It was just gonna be one night, remember? Just a bit of fun. It was just gonna be one night, remember? Just a bit of fun. I didn't want just a bit of fun. But you said... Doesn't matter. Dave. Dave. I said it doesn't matter. You're too old. ANTHEMIC ROCK MUSIC (LAUGHS) You bagged yourself a cougar. > Enough, all right? Enough, all right? Dripping with cheap jewellery and leopard prints? She wasn't a cougar, OK? She was just... normal. What? Normal with three kids? What? Normal with three kids? BOTH LAUGH 24?! 24?! Stop it. 24?! Stop it. Go, Mrs Robinson. Don't say that. It's his last name. Don't say that. It's his last name. (LAUGHS) Perfect. (SIGHS) I saw it on his driver's licence ` the one that said that he was born in 19... 90. Oh, Cara. I hope you learned your lesson, Dave. > It's time for you to quit tomcatting and settle down behind this bar, where you can raise their hopes, never deliver until they buy five more rounds. Booyah! I thought he was 30. I thought he was 30. You did not! I thought he was 30. You did not! I did. Wow, maybe love really is blind. Wow, maybe love really is blind. It wasn't love. Nothing even happened. Look, it might not have been ideal, but` Look, it might not have been ideal, but` Not ideal? My children saw a naked 24-year-old in our living room, and then he ran away like I had the plague. Aw, honey. DOOR OPENS What's going on? What's going on? Hi! What's going on? Hi! Nothing. Come to the treatment room, Julia. Come to the treatment room, Julia. How was the other night with the doctor? What doctor? What doctor? Uh, I won't be seeing him again. Oh dear. And I don't wanna talk about it. And I don't wanna talk about it. Don't feel bad. Look, doctors and lawyers have women lining up. Hard for someone like you to compete. But the good news is Michael is very much looking forward to tomorrow night. Pardon? Pardon? My anniversary party. Pardon? My anniversary party. (SCOFFS) You invited Michael? Michael the crying man? Yeah, I fixed it with him. I explained about the toilet door and told him that you'd love` No, no, no, no, no. Why would you do that? No, no, no, no, no. Why would you do that? No man is perfect, Cara. Look, Michael is a little bit heartbroken. That's better than the alternatives, isn't it? What alternatives? Low income, poor hygiene ` there is always a catch, and Michael's is pretty minor if you think about it. Um, why does Cara need a bloke anyway? Some of us prefer to stay single. Which is what single people say to make themselves feel better. How did your memo go down at work? How did your memo go down at work? Sally O'Leary didn't bring her baby in today. Wasn't she breastfeeding? Wasn't she breastfeeding? Well, there's a place for that, Cara, and it's not in our lunch room while I'm trying to eat my halloumi salad. And I think Helen might just agree with. She wants a face-to-face tomorrow. Maybe you should give Cara an eyelash tint before she sees Michael again. You can't see her again. You can't see her again. I know. She's old. She's old. I know. She's old. I know. She's got kids ` three of them. Maybe I should call her. Maybe I should call her. Why? See how she is. See how she is. I'll tell you how she is. She's old, with kids. What are you doing? What are you doing? Got a date with Betty. Really? Really? Asked her for a beer. She said... I don't know. It's a crap TV night, I guess. Only if you're paying. So in, bro. So in, bro. On ya, Az. I'm going to work. See you in there. I'll be the guy with the most beautiful girl in the room. What did that basil ever do to you? What did that basil ever do to you? Shut up, Phillip. (CHUCKLES) I did tell you not to send the memo. (CHUCKLES) I did tell you not to send the memo. How is this helping? You got a verbal warning. It's not the end of the world. And where was Sally bloody O'Leary's warning... for coming to work with baby puke down her back? And Paula taking a sick day for her twins' recital? I mean,... sometimes I think I should just have one and be done with it. (LAUGHS) Absolutely. We'll have a baby for the paid leave and the special treatment. Or we could make one up ` say we adopted. Then next time we feel like a long lunch, it's, 'Sorry, little Johnny's got the chicken pox.' Jules? Jules? Sorry. It's just... Not only do they take advantage, the mummy club, but they judge me. I choose this lifestyle; I must be a child-hater. I choose this lifestyle; I must be a child-hater. You did send the memo. I like Cara's kids,... now that they're older. Happy anniversary, Jules. Pick it up, Dave. Pick it up, Dave. Eh? gonna drive these people to drink. gonna drive these people to drink. Sorry. $8, thanks. $8, thanks. Keep the change. $8, thanks. Keep the change. Thanks. I love this song. I love this song. Yeah, it's not bad. Oh, wow. Hi. Hi, uh, you're Cara's friend. Jen. Jen. Yes. Dave. Jen. Yes. Dave. I remember. This is where you work? So, uh, is Cara... joining you? No. I'm with my indoor netball team. (GASPS) Are we OK to be in here? We're not too old, are we? Just teasing. And don't worry about Cara. She has moved on. Just teasing. And don't worry about Cara. She has moved on. Good. That was quick. Yeah, well, she is smart and gorgeous and generally awesome. Only an idiot would screw it up with her. I'm not. I'm not. (LAUGHS) Aren't ya? I'm not an idiot. I'm not an idiot. I don't care if you're a halfwit, mate, as long as you keep pouring. The thing is I was feeling nervous beforehand, so I took a Valium. The thing is I was feeling nervous beforehand, so I took a Valium. Oh. On top of the red wine,... well, uh, you saw the result ` crying into the rocket salad. (GIGGLES) I'm sorry. No, no, it's quite funny when you think about it ` humiliating but funny. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Oh, wow, is this the... private joke? And I promise I'll stay off the narcotics tonight. And I promise I'll stay off the narcotics tonight. (LAUGHS) Narcotics? Just prescription medicine ` nothing to worry about. Just prescription medicine ` nothing to worry about. (SIGHS) (LAUGHS) Someone's happy. Oh no, not this broad again. Shit. Shit. Tie down the cocktail glasses. Move, please. Move, please. Nope. Azza unfriended me on Facebook, and now I can see why. He's cheating on me. (SIGHS) You're a liar and a cheat, and your bed sheets are polyester, not cotton, which is just... so wrong. He's all yours, sister. Good luck to you. What's she talking about? Wanna go out with me? Wanna go out with me? I am out with you, dumbo. Wanna go out with me? I am out with you, dumbo. Yeah, I know, but, like... (SIGHS) (SIGHS) ...you know. (SIGHS) ...you know. No. Like,... I hated going to work until you got there, but now I can't wait till Monday morning rolls around, you know? I like you, Betty. What about the position? I'm good with any position ` whatever you like. I mean, girl on top` At work, you douchelord. The 90-day trial for the job. After 90 days, one of us stays; one of us goes. After 90 days, one of us stays; one of us goes. Who said? Our employers would have said when they offered you the trial. Our employers would have said when they offered you the trial. The job. They offered me a job, not a trial. (SCOFFS) I already know who's getting the boot at the end of the 90 days. This'll be piss-easy. See you at the office. Yeah, you will, actually. (SOBS) Sort it out, Dave. It's bad for business. There, there. Why does this keep happening to me? I'm not sure. Shall I call you a cab? Shall I call you a cab? I love him. Like, I really love him. Shall I call you a cab? I love him. Like, I really love him. No, you don't. He's messy, and he drinks too much, and he clocks up overdue fines on other people's DVD store cards. And he doesn't love you. I don't know what love is, but it's not just attaching yourself to the nearest available person. When you... connect with someone ` like, really connect ` you talk all night, you can't stop thinking about them, and it destroys you that you've hurt them and that you threw away something for a stupid, dumb reason. (SIGHS) Dave. Dave. I'm sorry, Hugo. I'll make it up. Oh, for Chrissakes. PHONE: You've reached Cara Gray. Please leave a message. Cara, it's me, Dave. I'm sorry I said you were old. You're not old; you're just older than me, and I don't care. Shit! Useless piece of shit! No, not you, Cara. I... (PANTS) I work as a nurse aide, so I am a very giving person ` sometimes too giving. Good. Listen, you can't just walk out` Good. Listen, you can't just walk out` Can I borrow your car? Are you high? Are you high? Is that a no? Thanks, Liam. Dude. TENSE MUSIC FUNKY BEAT MAN: Yo, yo. z Thanks for the lift. Thanks for the lift. You know, uh, this doesn't have to end here. I haven't laughed ` actually laughed ` in... in ages, and... Well, we're both grown-ups. We could have some fun. The thing about fun is... it seems like too much trouble. Doesn't have to be. Doesn't have to be. When you've got kids,... (CHUCKLES) it's not high on the list of priorities. it's not high on the list of priorities. Right. Shit. Shit. It` It's fine. I get it. After all that heartbreak, you, uh, need something safe. After all that heartbreak, you, uh, need something safe. Safe. SHE'S SO RAD'S 'DISCO STAR' # I wanna go back now. Take me home. # Lights moving around the room. # (PANTS) Uh,... Cara home? Cara home? No. Cara home? No. Wait, where is she? Cara is a working mother. Her life is complicated enough without some youth` I'm 24! Not 'youth'. CLANG! CLANG! Oh, f... Cara's gnome! CLANG! Oh, f... Cara's gnome! It's my gnome. Now, just go. MOODY MUSIC I'm really sorry, Hugo. I'm really sorry, Hugo. You're a knob. And you've got a visitor. I just skated all the way to your place. I just skated all the way to your place. Skated? Well, and I caught the bus. You know, it's quite a long... The thing is I can't stop thinking about you. And I don't care if you're 40` I'm 39. I'm 39. I just don't care. I have dated dozens of girls,... I have dated dozens of girls,... Hundreds, more like. ...and I have not met one I didn't wanna run away from at the first sign of... of... of... Daylight? of... Daylight? Not into the heckling, Azza. Sorry. Where was I? Where was I? Um, telling me about all the women you've bedded and then bolted from. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Mm. I got your message, Dave. I got your message, Dave. Yes, right. I got your message, Dave. Yes, right. And... even though you weren't even alive in the '80s,... I can't stop thinking about you either. Shall we do this? Shall we do this? It's kinda crazy, but... I think we should do this. I think we should do this. I think we should do this too. I think we should do this. I think we should do this too. Yeah? JEERING, WHISTLING JEERING, WHISTLING As long as you don't do this in the middle of my bar. Jesus. (LAUGHS) Hello? Morning. Can I drag Cara away to an open home? Sorry, no. Sorry, no. I'll bring her back. I got a text from her last night saying she was sleeping somewhere else. Miserable Michael! Go, Cara. Go, Cara. Please, not so loud. Possibly not a keeper, but he'll do for a bit of one-night-only mattress action. For pity's sake, she's a married woman. Marion, it's been eight years. Isn't Stewart living over in Queensland with his new partner and step-child? (SIGHS) (SIGHS) I don't think he's coming back. (SIGHS) I don't think he's coming back. He might. You know Cara deserves this. How long since she had a night of hot and dirty`? How long since she had a night of hot and dirty`? DOOR CLOSES > Hi, Auntie Jen. Hi, Auntie Jen. Hi, Logan. He's here to see Mum. He's here to see Mum. She left her scarf in my car last night. MARGARET URLICH'S 'ESCAPING' # ...knowing that when I try to forget you, # love brings me out of my shell. # I put my heart upon the shelf. # Hiding inside myself, what am I doing? # No use in faking. # Fool for the taking. # There's no more escaping you. Un... friend. MUSIC CONTINUES BABY CRIES, GURGLES # Cos the night all around is my lover. # My lover! # # And you're running into you # where you wanna be. You take as long as you like, Cara. You deserve some time out. # No shame in escaping. MUSIC CONTINUES I know what you're thinking ` 'total man cave', right? (CHUCKLES) 'What am I doing here?' I was thinking... you should use a chopstick... to get the toast out, so you don't electrocute yourself. It would be sad if you got fried by 230 volts after only one night. You want there to be another night? You want there to be another night? And we've got all morning. # This time I'm escaping. # Oh-oh, starry-eyed am I, # knowing that when I try to forget you, # love brings me out of my shell. # I put my heart upon the shelf. # Hiding inside myself, what am I doing? # No more escaping you. Copyright Able 2014 # There's no more escaping you. #