FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC I'm Dave. I'm Dave. Cara. I found you. Shit. Shit. There's a home invader. Three kids? Three kids? I'm 39. She's old. She's old. I don't care. I think we should do this. RAPID GUNFIRE RAPID GUNFIRE RAPID GUNFIRE Whoo! (LAUGHS) Kill this guy. (LAUGHS) MELLOW ROCK MUSIC (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (GIGGLES) MELLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYS BOTH LAUGH MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING CRASH! Copyright Able 2014 Azza! Azza! Sorry. Why aren't you at indoor cricket? Why aren't you at indoor cricket? Eh? Why aren't you at indoor cricket? Eh? You're not meant to be here. I had to go shopping. Anyway, the 2 wasn't upside down. The 2? The 2? Whenever we score, we turn the 2 on the door upside down, so we don't do the old... (WHISTLES) so we don't do the old... (WHISTLES) Azza, we don't do that. Remember when the 2 was upside down, but so was the 1? I don't think` I don't think` I was, like, 'What the frig does that`?' And then I realised ` 2 plus one equals threesome. So, what'd you buy, Az? So, what'd you buy, Az? Check this bad boy out. Lovely. Lovely. What the shit? Yeah, I know, right? Today we get this memo ` it's Hawaiian shirt day at work tomorrow. People still do that? People still do that? Is that an actual thing? Stewie's office used to do it in the '90s. So, you're` you're making an effort, then, huh? So, you're` you're making an effort, then, huh? Yeah, yeah, it's cos Betty said... I'd rather eat a cat shit sandwich than wear a Hawaiian shirt to work. So I'm gonna look like part of the team, and she's gonna look like the humourless cow that she is. (GASPS) I should really go. (GASPS) I should really go. You don't have to. I don't think so. You want me to go for a walk around the block? You want me to go for a walk around the block? No, it's fine. I've got a thing at 7 anyway. I've got a thing at 7 anyway. What kinda thing? I've got a thing at 7 anyway. What kinda thing? Um, a show. A gig? A gig? Sweet. Is it the Raw Nerves? Sorry? Sorry? They're a punk rock band. Why would she be going to see the Raw Nerves, moron? Why would she be going to see the Raw Nerves, moron? They had punk rock in the old days. Sex Pistols, Agnostic Front, Toy Dolls. You were actually there, man. Did you see any of them live? I was actually more of a New Romantics kind of a girl. I was actually more of a New Romantics kind of a girl. Never heard of them. So, what's the gig you're going to? So, what's the gig you're going to? Um, uh, a theatre show. A show at the theatre. I could come. I could come. No. You won't like it. I might. I might. (LAUGHS) I might. (LAUGHS) I can do the theatre. It's miles across town. It's miles across town. Where? John James Auditorium. Honestly, you don't want to come. Yeah, I'll see ya later. See ya, Dave. Bye, Azza. Bye, Azza. Yep. DOOR OPENS > DOOR CLOSES > DOOR CLOSES > Rejected. DOOR CLOSES > Rejected. Nah. She didn't want you to come. She didn't want you to come. (SIGHS) She didn't, did she? She thinks the theatre's too intelligent for you. She thinks the theatre's too intelligent for you. Eh? She's a grown-up, and you're... you. Cara's into the same stuff we are. She was really good at Time Crisis the other night. Better than me? Shit. Maybe you're right. Maybe I've been boring her. PHONE BEEPS, RAPID GUNFIRE PHONE BEEPS PHONE BEEPS (GASPS) Shoot. I'm sorry. I'm late. What? What? Mwah! RAPID GUNFIRE She's always bailing on me. PHONE BEEPS I'm so sorry. I have to go. UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC I really have to. I'll see you soon. I'll call you. You went to the Dumpling Den without me? You went to the Dumpling Den without me? Az, you can't come on my dates. Why not? I wouldn't have bailed. Come on. Come on. What? Come on. What? We're going out. Sweet. Sweet. To the theatre. Shit. Shit. We can do it. Lots of people go, and lots of people like it. There's no reason why we won't too. Hi! Hi! Hi. I didn't wanna go in by myself. Sorry I'm late. Sorry I'm late. Oh, that look. The look of someone in love. Not quite. Feel like smashing some baddies? Feel like smashing some baddies? (GIGGLES) OK. Feel like smashing some baddies? (GIGGLES) OK. Hey, Dave. Oh, hey, Maddy. BOTH GIGGLE Old friend. Dave. Dave. Oh, hey, Sarah. Old friend. Old friend. Oh. Hey there. Hey there. Hey. Hey there. Hey. Old friend? I don't think I actually know her. Is it normal for someone to have so many old friends? Someone so young, you mean? Hey, you've got baggage too. Hey, you've got baggage too. My baggage isn't young and clear-skinned in tiny little skirts. I sound like an insecure old person. I sound like an insecure old person. You're dating a 24-year-old barman. I'd say you've got good reason. Sorry. (GROANS) Did you say I was old? Did you say I was old? No. He wanted to come with me tonight. He wanted to come with me tonight. You're kidding. He wanted to come with me tonight. You're kidding. I said no, of course. Oh, come down. Quick. Oh, come down. Quick. (CHUCKLES) Good idea. Yeah. Hi, guys. Hi, guys. Hello. This place isn't miles away. Cara said it was miles away. I hope this thing's a comedy. I hope this thing's a comedy. Put that out, will ya? I hope this thing's a comedy. Put that out, will ya? I need it. What if it's Shakespeare? If it is, that's OK, because we're not dumb. We're intelligent and cultured and stuff. Oh bugger, it's not working. Oh bugger, it's not working. Take the lens cap off, Gran. Oh. (LAUGHS) Oh. (LAUGHS) New Trade Me purchase, Marion? Well, there's some strange footage on it ` an overweight family on a beach in Fiji. That's what you get when you buy a second-hand, I suppose. That's what you get when you buy a second-hand, I suppose. They said it was new and unused. iPod off, Jasmine. But what about Auntie Julia? It's work. Not bad ` gold coin donation. Not bad ` gold coin donation. Spare seats there. Sorry. Excuse us. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Hey, bro. AUDIENCE: Shh! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome. Brewski? Parents, grandparents... Parents, grandparents... Where's Cara at? PHONE BEEPS PHONE BEEPS ...aunts, uncles, friends,... ...your children have been working very hard, and tonight we're very proud to present the annual Crescent View Primary School Spectacular Showcase! GUITAR PLAYS Whoo! ALL SING IN MAORI I'm so sorry, Az. I'm so sorry, Az. We're not staying. I'm so sorry, Az. We're not staying. 'Course not. They better give me my gold coin back. AUDIENCE MEMBERS MURMUR Sit down. Sit down. Sorry. SINGING CONTINUES Once I had a dad, but he sometimes made Mum sad, so Daddy went away. This is heavy shit, bro. This is heavy shit, bro. And my Mum drinks wine all day, and with my Auntie I stay. AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS that fictional poem. And now, a big welcome to the recorder group. There he is. Logan! I think that one in the middle's Cara's kid. I think that one in the middle's Cara's kid. And three, two, one... CRACK! DRINK FIZZES CRACK! DRINK FIZZES Oh shit. CRACK! DRINK FIZZES Oh shit. RECORDERS PLAY Sorry. He's drinking beer. He's drinking beer. Put it away, will ya, Az? He's drinking beer. Put it away, will ya, Az? No. Be quiet. I'm done. Let's get outta here. Sorry. 'Scuse us. Hey! Argh! Argh! My baby! Argh! My baby! BABY CRIES Shit! Was that here when we came in? Shit! Was that here when we came in? You muppet. Calm down, big guy. Calm down, big guy. Carry on, children. Keep playing! Keep playing! If you don't want people to trip over your baby, don't put your baby on the floor. Argh! Are you kidding me? What's going on back there? What's going on back there? We're so sorry. Cara, is that`? Cara, is that`? Are you pissed? Who are you, anyway? Cara, is that`? Are you pissed? Who are you, anyway? They've come in off the street. What, to look at our kids? What, to look at our kids? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. What, to look at our kids? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Out! Out! Oh my God! Oh my God! (GRUNTS) Oh my God. Is it over? BOTH PANT BOTH PANT Those people are savages. Am I bleeding? You will be if I give you another smack. You will be if I give you another smack. Eh? What'd I do? You stepped on a baby, and then you tried to hand out parenting advice. It's your fault for bringing me to a school concert. It's your fault for bringing me to a school concert. I didn't know what it was! Your girlfriend's 40. It wasn't gonna be something cool. Your girlfriend's 40. It wasn't gonna be something cool. She's 39! BOTH GRUNT Hey! What's happening? Bit of a disagreement. Why are you here? I, um` I, um` He wanted you to think he was intelligent. (EXHALES) You said you were going to the theatre and that it wouldn't be my thing. She was right. She was right. You wanna give us a moment, Az? She was right. You wanna give us a moment, Az? Yeah, yeah. You have no idea how hard Logan worked for tonight, how many hours he practised, how excited he was` Of course I don't. I don't even know Logan. I don't know anything about any of them. Do you want to? Do you want to? Well,... they're part of the package deal, right? So maybe I should meet them. No. No, that's not a good` No. No, that's not a good` Why not? > No. No, that's not a good` Why not? > Because I can't do that until it... Look. This is still new. This is still new. New? We're not just messing around here, Cara. I really like you. And I like you. And I bet the girls would. And Logan,... he'd think you're the bee's knees. Which would mean that, if you're suddenly no longer there... You think we're gonna break up? You think we're gonna break up? I want to be optimistic, but it's better to be realistic. I can't do the year of silence again. When Stewie left, Scarlett was 8. MELANCHOLY MUSIC It wasn't easy, OK? She was silent for a whole year? I'm missing Logan's concert. I gotta` I gotta go. I'm missing Logan's concert. I gotta` I gotta go. SORROWFUL MUSIC See you tomorrow? q What was so urgent that she had to walk out of her son's concert? What was so urgent that she had to walk out of her son's concert? You can talk (!) You were on your iPad the entire time. It was a bunch of children parping on recorders, Phillip. When Logan's with the Royal Shakespeare Company, I'll watch. When Logan's with the Royal Shakespeare Company, I'll watch. Ah, thank you. Jen? Mm? Mm? Who is this person Cara had to run off to see tonight? No one. No one. Oh my God. Is she seeing someone? How do you leap straight to that? How do you leap straight to that? Look at her face. What? What? Are you seeing someone? What? Are you seeing someone? I didn't say anything. It's... quite new. I haven't even told the kids yet. I haven't even told the kids yet. Or your sister. Why? This is a very nice Pinot, Cara. This is a very nice Pinot, Cara. Who is he? This is a very nice Pinot, Cara. Who is he? No one you know. It's just there's a new account manager at Phillip's work, Lance, and I was gonna` No. No. She said herself it's not serious. No. She said herself it's not serious. I said it was quite new. Jules, just` Jules, just` Lance is successful. He's relatively attractive. He's single` He's in his late 60s. He's in his late 60s. So what? Age is just a number. Where's my wine? Where's my wine? Jasmine? Scar? Dinner. RELAXED POP MUSIC Bastard. Bastard. That was shameful, bro. Bastard. That was shameful, bro. What is wrong with me? Your hand-eye coordination's poked. How many beers have you had? Your hand-eye coordination's poked. How many beers have you had? No, I mean... Imagine you've got a girlfriend. Imagine you've got a girlfriend. Uh-huh. And she's got all these people in her life, but she doesn't want you to meet them. I'm OK with the 'just having a girlfriend' bit. It's been a while. Wouldn't you start to wonder? What if she's embarrassed of you? I'd say that'd be a given. I'd say that'd be a given. Or just using you? I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind. Or she's realised you're too young and it's never gonna work. This is about you and Cara. She's not trying to install you as an instant daddy. Gotta watch that with solo mums. Nah, Cara's not like that. Nah, Cara's not like that. That's why I ended it with Kylie. I won't come second to a kid. Wasn't that your kid? Wasn't that your kid? Yeah, well, so she says. Has anyone ever told you you're a misogynist git? Last two girlfriends, but they keep coming back for more. It's all about the sex appeal. What a douche. Twenty minutes' screen time, then bed. Mummy, was that man at the concert the nude man? He's not nude all the time. He's not nude all the time. Why did he come? Because... he's a friend, and he wanted to see the show. That's nice of him. Mm. Why hasn't Cara introduced us to her new friend? Does he even exist? Does he even exist? Why would he not exist? Oh, you think Cara made him up so you'll stop pushing geriatrics at her. Did she? Did she? He was at the concert tonight, Jules. He's real, and he's kinda none of ya business. Marion? Marion? Don't. Marion? Don't. Who is this person Cara's seeing? What person? Oh, that chap. She met him at the Playground. She met him at the Playground. That sounds dodgy. The Playground. It's a bar in town. He works there. The Playground. It's a bar in town. He works there. Bartending is a valid profession. For someone who doesn't know how to do anything else. Could you mix a mojito, darling? Could you mix a mojito, darling? We need to meet this person. Why? Why? Because Cara's not a good judge of character. I've met him. I've met him. So have I. CRASH! CRASH! Cara's gnome. He broke my garden gnome, not to mention taking his clothes off` He broke my garden gnome, not to mention taking his clothes off` No, not to mention. Don't say another word. She's big enough and bright enough to make her own mistakes. You think she's making a mistake. You think she's making a mistake. I didn't say that. Logan's in bed and keen for everyone to go in and say goodnight. Logan's in bed and keen for everyone to go in and say goodnight. Righto. Cara. We were just talking about Phillip's birthday next week, weren't we, Phillip? Apparently. Apparently. About how we might have a party. Oh. Oh. Is it a significant birthday, Phil? Not yet, but every year above ground's a good one. Just something small ` a few friends and family and` and their partners. ROCK MUSIC Ah. She always has to go home early. It's like my girlfriend has a curfew. Can we stop with the Cara, Cara, Cara? Can we stop with the Cara, Cara, Cara? Yeah, 'course. Dude, you must really want that crap job. I don't want it as much as Betty does. Which is why I want it more than Betty does. If you get me. I think you two should just bang. I think you two should just bang. She missed her chance. She ain't getting any of this. I bet she's crying herself to sleep at night (!) I bet she's crying herself to sleep at night (!) Like you did last night. Did not. I'm just new to this, that's all. It's way too complicated. Oh, man. Oh, man. What? Oh, man. What? I haven't seen you like this since` No. No. No. No. ...since She-Who-We-Never-Mention. No. No. ...since She-Who-We-Never-Mention. No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes. You know what you gotta do ` run. Get out while you still can. Before it ends in tears ` yours. yours. I never cried over She-Who. yours. I never cried over She-Who. Yes, you did ` every night. It's OK. Never told anyone. Bro, I was there. I saw what she did to you, and I never wanna see that shit again. (SIGHS) You think she's a She-Who? I gotta represent. Laters. ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES Who do you think you are, mate? John Key at APEC? What the hell? Was I the only one to get the memo? What the hell? Was I the only one to get the memo? You sure were. SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYS SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYS She made up Hawaiian Shirt Day? That is so low. That is so low. Hamish had a go at me for inappropriate office wear. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) It's not bloody funny. Now everyone thinks I rock this kinda shirt in the weekends. Now everyone thinks I rock this kinda shirt in the weekends. Who vomited on you? Yeah, funny (!) So, you didn't tell your boss that Betty tricked you? So, you didn't tell your boss that Betty tricked you? What, and look like a douchebag? How's your cougar? How's your cougar? That's not a cool word. On a trip in LA, they said there were cougars chasing joggers in the hills, so I put on my shorts, I put on my running shoes, and I get up there. Nothing. Dave's one's not keen on him anyway. Dave's one's not keen on him anyway. Eh? Dave's one's not keen on him anyway. Eh? Doesn't want him to meet her kids. Ah, she thinks you're a perve. She wouldn't be with me if she thought I was a perve. And I have met them, actually. Look, Gran! Look, Gran! A pervert! Look, Gran! A pervert! Everybody, get back. Cara said one of them's a bit special. After the dad ran off, she went mute for a year. Happened to me too. Your parents are still together. Your parents are still together. That bad acid trip after Aroha's 21st. Couldn't speak for two weeks. You know what your problem is, Dave? You know what your problem is, Dave? I don't have a problem. You're letting that bird call all the shots. You're letting that bird call all the shots. No. Yeah, she's got all the power. Yeah, she's got all the power. PHONE RINGS Hey, babe. Hey, babe. CARA: Hi. Sup. Sup. Um... Sorry if I was a bit snappy last night. Oh, it's cool. Marion's taking the kids to a movie tonight, so I wondered if you might like to grab some late dinner. Yeah, nah, it's probably not gonna happen. I see. I see. Sweet. Laters. DIAL TONE Everything OK, babe? Everything OK, babe? Yeah. Good. Attaboy. Attaboy. (CHUCKLES) q (SIGHS) PHONE BUTTONS BEEP You just checked that. She hasn't called. Or texted. Shit. Guess treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen doesn't work with the older chicks. Guess treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen doesn't work with the older chicks. It doesn't work with any chick. Why did I listen to Hugo? SOFT MUSIC PLAYS Ouch! Ouch! I'm so sorry. Will you excuse me for just one moment? Any calls? Text messages? Sorry. Look, I hate to break it to you, but he's a child, and children like to play games. VEHICLE APPROACHES Hi. Hi. Hey. Are we OK, Dave? Are we OK, Dave? Sure. I'm too old for game playing. Not talking about Time Crisis right now, are we? Not talking about Time Crisis right now, are we? You haven't been in touch. And I get it if you've decided that 39-year-old mother-of-three isn't your ideal woman, but I do need you to tell me and not just disappear off to the Gold Coast one day. You're the one always disappearing. Because of soccer practice and jazz ballet and homework and nit treatments` Nit treatments? Nit treatments? Not all the time. I've got work, but, um,... I could come over to your house after. You know, if my parents were in Auckland, I would introduce you to them. You want to introduce me to your parents? You want to introduce me to your parents? Shit. I would, because I like you, and I'm not embarrassed. I should get inside. Come to a party. What? Did you just invite me to a party? Yes. Yes. What kind? Yes. What kind? One where some of my family will be. Not the kids, but my sister and my brother-in-law. Cool. When? Cool. When? Tomorrow night. I'll be there. I'll be there. OK. Just promise me one thing. Just promise me one thing. I won't drink too much. I won't embarrass you` Promise me you'll remember you actually wanted to meet my sister. PHONE BEEPS She's bringing him. She's bringing him. Who's doing what? Cara's bringing the bartender to the party. Cara's bringing the bartender to the party. Nice. What if he's awful? He works at a bar. I bet he's a player. I bet he's a player. Cara's intelligent enough to` Not really. When it comes to men, I mean, she married Stewart bloody Gray. 16 years ago. 16 years ago. < I knew it was wrong at the time. I told her. I'm sure you did. I'm sure you did. If she had listened to me, her life would've been completely different. She wouldn't have had her three children. She'd have had others. She'd have had others. Jules! I mean, not that we'd ever be without Scarlett and Jasmine and Logan, but... Scarlett does have unfortunate skin, which isn't from our side of the family, and Logan's... a little bit slow or something. I'm just saying, maybe if Cara had had a better sort of husband... She'd have had better children? She'd have had better children? Phillip! That is awful. I've never met a trustworthy barman. I... Perhaps` Jules, enough. If it works out, great. If it doesn't, we'll be there for her. Of course, darling. Thing is, I think I'd be quite good with kids. Thing is, I think I'd be quite good with kids. When I was a kid, I had so many stepdads, I didn't know what to do. I had so many stepdads, I didn't know what to do. Don't wanna be a stepdad. You wanna be an uncle, then? I had a few of those too. Get me a pizza with the works. I'm celebrating. Did you get the job? Did you get the job? Nah. Still 68 days of the trial to go. But I got Betty so good. (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) The old blue death screen prank. Boom! So what you're saying is you stuffed her up good and proper. So what you're saying is you stuffed her up good and proper. Oh, yeah, bro. First I download the Sysinternal application, then I get to her computer while she's getting coffee, and I quickly hide the app in her C drive. WHISPERS: Oh dear God. What's going on? I'm out, you'll be pleased to know. Quit? Quit? 'Course not. I'd never quit. But your stupid blue death screen... What about it? Well, I pulled the plug, didn't I? I just panicked, and I pulled the plug. I lost the entire programme I was working on. Hamish is so pissed off. You couldn't get the data back? You must be able to. I'll give it a go. I could. That's not the point any more. I cracked under pressure. I failed. You won. Congratulations. You didn't tell Hamish it was a prank? You didn't tell Hamish it was a prank? I'm no nark. I put a blue death screen on her computer, but it was a prank, a fake, a programme I dropped into her C drive just... for fun. Fun. Fun. Yeah. Anyway, it was my fault. So Betty shouldn't have to go, because she's a good worker, she knows her stuff, and she's swotty ` swottier than me,... that's for sure. You evil bitch. Hamish didn't know a thing about it. Hamish didn't know a thing about it. But he does now, right? You did it again. It's so easy, it's almost not fun. HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYS HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYS Have a good weekend. SING-SONGY: Hellooo. SING-SONGY: Hellooo. Hi. SING-SONGY: Hellooo. Hi. The bartender not with you tonight? He'll be here soon. He'll be here soon. Right. Good. What? Honestly, Cara, if I'd known that was what you were looking for... Sorry? Sorry? I met him today. Sorry? I met him today. You met him? How? How? Before you start, I was only trying to help, because, boy, do you need help. because, boy, do you need help. Doesn't sound good. Just you wait. Just you wait. Julia, what have you been up to? This way, this way, this way. OK. I remembered you said he worked at the Playground Bar, and I was passing. You were passing? Today? I needed to go to the deli for some nibbles, and I was` I needed to go to the deli for some nibbles, and I was` Nowhere near the Playground. I needed to see him for myself. Thank God I did. Thank God I did. Hi, would you like a table? No, thanks. I'll sit at the bar. You here on your own? You here on your own? I am, actually. I know he might not be exactly what you were expecting. I know he might not be exactly what you were expecting. That's an understatement. It's a bartender's job to flirt with customers. And I thought I'd test it out. It's called a honey trap. (CHUCKLES) Vinegar trap, more like. (CHUCKLES) Vinegar trap, more like. I did Cara a favour. The way he talked about his ex-wife... The way he talked about his ex-wife... (LAUGHS) He's never been married. BOTH LAUGH Mate, Tina's on the phone. Mate, Tina's on the phone. No way. He's a bit tied up right now, Tina. He's a bit tied up right now, Tina. I got wasted with a air hostess in Vegas, woke up with a wedding ring on my finger. woke up with a wedding ring on my finger. BOTH GIGGLE He mentioned an ex he didn't like to talk about. He mentioned an ex he didn't like to talk about. But why would he keep that a secret? Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. And he makes more than his fair share. Oh, and he just volunteered this information, just poured it out? Oh, and he just volunteered this information, just poured it out? Yes, he did. I` I think he thought it would impress me. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Yes. Cara. I'm sorry, but I think it's best that you know now. Know what? Know what? He tried it on with me. He was a bit of a bad boy when we first met` All of four weeks ago. All of four weeks ago. Three. Did he mention any of these exes to you? One or two. But everyone has exes. And hitting on any woman who walks into a bar? Cara. I am only trying to look out for you. You have got a family. And remember the year of silence? Screw her. FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC Screw her. Huh? FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC Screw her. Huh? Friggin' Betty. She` Yes. Hey, hands off. Hey, hands off. But I need a drink. Hey, hands off. But I need a drink. They're for this party. (SNIFFS) Sweet as. I'll go and get changed. Sweet as. I'll go and get changed. Uh... What? What? It's at Cara's sister's place. What? It's at Cara's sister's place. Yeah? Is she hot? How do I know? Probably, if she's anything like Cara. And she's younger, right? And she's younger, right? I dunno. And she's younger, right? I dunno. Good if she was younger. Remember the last time we hooked up with sisters? Remember the last time we hooked up with sisters? We've never done sisters. Haven't we? What about Caitlin and Danella? Senior dance, year 12. Did you hook up with Danella? Did you hook up with Danella? No, I hooked up with Caitlin. I hooked up with Caitlin. I hooked up with Caitlin. Eh? Senior dance? I hooked up with Caitlin. Eh? Senior dance? Afterwards. (LAUGHS) Lying, cheating... See? Women can't be trusted. Let's go get annihilated. Let's go get annihilated. I don't know if it's that kind of party. Eh? Eh? It's in Parnell. Eh? It's in Parnell. Shit. Parnell. I could do Parnell. I could do Parnell. Like you can do the theatre? You're the one who got stoned and sprayed beer everywhere and tripped on a baby. Az. I don't think you should come. I don't think you should come. To the party? With the hot sister? Sorry. Sorry. What, so I can go to the theatre with you, but not Parnell? Bet they've got good drugs in Parnell. Maybe even class A. Bye, Az. Bye, Az. What? Unbelievable. Snapchat me a pic of the sister, OK? Unbelievable. Snapchat me a pic of the sister, OK? No. SMOOTH ROCK MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Good to meet you, Dave. Good to meet you, Dave. You too. Oh, I brought, um... Oh, I brought, um... Oh, um... Thank you. Thank you. Sweet. Oh, there's Cara. And my wife, Cara's sister. Julia, this is Dave. Oh, I, uh... Hello. Good to meet you. Except you've already met, haven't you? Nope. Lying bastard. Lying bastard. What? Hey. What on earth's happening now? What's going on? Julia told us what happened at the bar today. She did? She did? Yes, she did. She did? Yes, she did. Oh shit. I didn't know she was your sister. Does it matter who she is? Does it matter who she is? All the things you said to her... Does it matter who she is? All the things you said to her... What did I say to her? Whatever. That's why you pretended not to know her just now. Her husband was standing right there. You're not even sorry. You're not even sorry. For what? I didn't do anything. She was the one that was... Oh no, I've lost a button. Might you have a needle and thread in the back room? She was all over Hugo. It was kinda despo. Hugo? Hugo? Who? Hugo? Who? My boss. Oh my God. Your sister is such` (LAUGHS) That's hilarious. You really believed all those things about me? You really believed all those things about me? Shit. I might, um, go to the loo. Sorry for calling you a lying bastard. I might've been a shit in the past, but I have never lied to you, Cara. I might've been a shit in the past, but I have never lied to you, Cara. I know, but I... didn't know. didn't know. You don't trust me? We've only been together for three weeks. We've only been together for three weeks. Three and a half, and I have been running around like a` and I have been running around like a` Dave, I'm s` It's really complicated. It's really complicated. Not really. I'm doing my best, and you're just... waiting for it to turn to shit. Dave? Wait! For God's sake, Cara, don't run after him like a puppy` For God's sake, Cara, don't run after him like a puppy` Screw you, Julia. Excuse me. Cara, it was an easy mistake to make, given the obvious age difference. I mean, what are we talking, here? 10 years? 10 years? He's 24, actually. Oh. Oh. He was born in 1990. Oh. He was born in 1990. Oh my God, that... There is something wrong with you. There is something wrong with you. Yes, there is. I constantly let my younger sister bully me. I am acting in your best interests. Do you think I'm an idiot? Do you think I'm an idiot? I think you don't make the wisest choices around men. What about your wise choices? You didn't quite tell the truth, did you? I just, uh, wanted to see how far he would go. I just, uh, wanted to see how far he would go. And, um, how far did you go? How dare you? I made my excuses and went back to work. Straight away. Who does that? Who goes somewhere to spy on someone? Who does that? Who goes somewhere to spy on someone? I'm worried about you. Look, I know it was eight years ago, but I remember what happened when Stewie left. more, and I don't need you or anyone else to look after me. Everything all right here? It's fine. Where's the new bloke got to? Where's the new bloke got to? He's gone. Oh, um... Oh, um... He's 24. (LAUGHS) Whoa. Here's to you, Mrs Robinson. It's not funny. It's not funny. I know. It's impressive. And age is just a number. Correct? I need a drink. COMPUTER GAME PLAYS Hey. Hey. Hey. That was a short party. That was a short party. (SIGHS) Yeah. And the sister? And the sister? Psychotic bitch. Right. But hot? Doesn't matter. Shit. (SIGHS) Left the beers there. Shall we go back and get them? Shall we go back and get them? No way. But it's early. We could do something. Like? Like? I dunno. Write ourselves off. Bro. Are you gonna call him? FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC Are you gonna call him? Probably not. Why? Why? Because I'm being sensible and grown-up. And Julia's probably right ` pull the plug now; avoid another year of silence. MELANCHOLY MUSIC Scarlett was 8. So what if she was quiet for a bit? She doesn't speak much as it is. No, Jen, you don't get it. No, Jen, you don't get it. Cos I don't have kids of my own? No, Jen, you don't get it. Cos I don't have kids of my own? No, because... MELANCHOLY MUSIC Mummy? Mummy? It was you. The girls missed their dad, and I couldn't handle that. I couldn't tell them why he'd gone when I didn't know why. Cos he was a prick. Cos he was a prick. He was a prick. But their mum was a basket case. And you didn't talk... at all? I did. A bit. But not as much as I should have. And even though I had these two little girls, I couldn't see a future. And then when Logan was born... And then when Logan was born... You realised you had to be strong. Marion moved in to help look after him and the girls. Marion moved in to help look after him and the girls. You are not a failure, Cara. She never left. And I know that it's good that she's here. Yeah, keep telling yourself that, hon. But you are not a nut cake any more. I was. Over a stupid man. I know I never met Stewie, but I don't think Dave's anything like him. No. No. And maybe that's the trick ` get them while they're young, before they've learnt how to be a-holes. (COUGHS) I'm not an arsehole. (COUGHS) I'm not an arsehole. No way, bro. I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy. The best. Why does Cara think`? Why does Cara think`? God, she's such an evil bitch. Eh? Don't say that about Cara. Eh? Don't say that about Cara. No, not Cara. Betty. Oh. (CHUCKLES) Oh. (CHUCKLES) Betty's a bitch. Just like She-Who. Just like She-Who. Eh? Where'd she come from? Meadowbank, wasn't it? Meadowbank, wasn't it? Why are we talking about her when we never talk about her? Who? Who? Dave's ex. We don't talk about her. We don't talk about her. Real name Yvette. We don't talk about her. Real name Yvette. Azza! Shit. Sorry. She smashed his heart. She smashed his heart. Az! Stop! Just don't wanna see Cara doing the same thing. She won't. I'm not that stupid any more. I'm not that stupid any more. Yeah. Neither am I. Even if Betty thinks I am. You know what, Az? We gotta stop obsessing. We gotta stop obsessing. I reckon. You guys are kinda... pathetic. I don't like that kid much. And we're not pathetic. We are gonna go out there, we're gonna have a few drinks, have a good time and forget all about Cara and Betty. and forget all about Cara and Betty. Cara and Betty who? We don't care about them. We don't care about them. We don't give a stuff, man. This is good. This is gonna be a good night. This is good. This is gonna be a good night. Yeah. Mean night, bro. MELLOW MUSIC Verbal warning. He said I was disruptive and immature. Balls. Another shooter? Bring it. Same again. Same again. Oh, hey, I'm sorry you boys are having such a hard time. Why are you smiling, then? Why are you smiling, then? Things are looking up. I am waiting for a call from that desperado with the self-unbuttoning shirt. Yeah, about that... LAUGHING, HORN TOOTS (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Azza. (LAUGHS) Azza? < (VOMITS) (LAUGHS) Yeah, I know, right? Lol. Like, major lol. OMG, he's cute. Are you watching? (COUGHS) (COUGHS) Come on, Az. (GROANS) Great. MELLOW MUSIC CONTINUES Good night, sweetie. Good night, sweetie. Night, Mummy. # You ran on gasoline. # Drinkin' till oblivion, yeah. # Drinkin' for a dream. (EXHALES) (EXHALES) # To forget where I was going # and forget where I'd been. # I've been singin' to the dark. # # I've been singin' to the dark. # (EXHALES) CAR ALARM WAILS IN DISTANCE PHONE RINGS Yo. Yo. I'm sorry about tonight. And you're right. I` I've been a scaredy-cat. But you're right. Um, things aren't working ` not as they are. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So... there's something I think we should do. And it might be big, and it might be crazy, but, um, if you're up for it... Hit me. You sure about this? You sure about this? What could be so bad? You sure about this? What could be so bad? It could be. Trust me. That's an interesting-looking hat. (CHUCKLES) That's an interesting-looking hat. (CHUCKLES) It's not a hat. It's a hennin. Worn by people of nobility in the Middle Ages. Worn by people of nobility in the Middle Ages. Right. Anyway, guys. This is Dave. This is Dave. The nudie man. This is Dave. The nudie man. No, he's not the n` He's Dave. The person I was telling you about. Mummy's new friend. Mummy's new friend. Is he your boyfriend? Yes. Cool. And, Dave, this is Logan and Jasmine and Scarlett. And this is Marion. Marion Gray. Marion Gray. Dave. Marion Gray. Dave. Yes. I know. (CLEARS THROAT) Right. Anyone for coffee? Anyone for coffee? I could make it. SOFTLY: Cool. UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC Can I have a go? Can I have a go? Sure. HESITANTLY: I mean, no. You can have a pretend go. You can have a pretend go. Cool. (CHUCKLES) I think they might like me. I think they might like me. Of course they do. Thank you for doing this. I wanted to. Here, mate. Here, mate. Whoa! (LAUGHS) All right. That's disgusting. That's disgusting. (IMITATES SCOOTER REVVING, LAUGHS) What a d-bag. Totes. Captions by Ashlee Scholefield. Edited by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014