FAST ROCK MUSIC We do this? I think she might be the one. Wham! And stuff goes different. I think she might be the one. Wham! And stuff goes different. You on crack? You sure about this? You sure about this? What could be so bad? Jesus! Jesus! Ew. Who's he? 'Kids?' Look, Gran. This is Dave. What a d-bag. UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC What's the plan for tonight, boys? What's the plan for tonight, boys? Box of beers, head home and watch YouTube clips of goats that sound like humans. That's what hot-blooded young men are doing with their time now? That's what hot-blooded young men are doing with their time now? They're hilarious. Actually, they are hilarious. But I've got plans. Actually, they are hilarious. But I've got plans. Yeah, what kind of plans? Dave's staying the night tonight. Dave's staying the night tonight. A sleepover? Yes. Yes. Is he sleeping in your room? Yes. Yes. Kill me now. Yes. Kill me now. Why is Dave having a sleepover? Because, um,... sometimes... he's too tired to ride his scooter home late at night, so it's easier if he stays over. So everyone OK with it ` with Dave staying the night? It's your love life. It's your love life. Gross! It's your love life. Gross! Don't say that. Well, it's a fact. Logan? Logan? He can use my sleeping bag if he wants. We thought it was time, you know? We thought it was time, you know? Time to sleep in the suburbs? We thought it was time, you know? Time to sleep in the suburbs? Ah, not just sleep. Another? What? With all those kids in the house? What? With all those kids in the house? What'd I tell you? stepdaddy-o. I'm not. I'm not into any of that. The kids and me, we're just like flatmates. You reckon? You reckon? Don't make this into a big deal when it doesn't have to be. > There's a dude passed out in the men's crapper. There's a dude passed out in the men's crapper. (GROANS) Well, what should I do? Write 'I'm a dickhead' on his face. Write 'I'm a dickhead' on his face. LAUGHTER Write 'I'm a dickhead' on his face. LAUGHTER He's passed out. He won't know. Should I write stepdaddy-o on your nuts while I'm at it? I'm not passed out. I'm not passed out. You may as well be. WOMAN: Thanks, Dave. KNOCK ON DOOR Shit! It's a... interesting outfit. Death was ever-present during Medieval times. Death was ever-present during Medieval times. Good to know. Hey, Jasmine. Hey, Jasmine. Hey, bum-wipe. Mummy, Dave's here. Hey, you made it. Yep. Yep. Come. I do have to warn you; I, uh, didn't bring my pyjamas. I don't actually own any pyjamas. Mm, well, that's a terrible, terrible shame (!) # Loosen up. # I got aware. # You got the job. # They got a tube for sticking in my heart. # Ya, ah, ah. Ya, ha, ha. # Ya, ha, ha. Ya, ha, ha. # Ya, ha, ha. # Loosen up. # (MOANS) (MOANS) Shh! What? What? WHISPERS: Sorry. It's just a bit quiet. No motorway through the wall, no. Mum! Mum! Shit! Mum! Shit! I had a bad dream! Oh no. What about? There was a painting of a clown and a bear, and it came to life! There was a painting of a clown and a bear, and it came to life! You know that dreams aren't real. They were going to take me away to the circus! Oh, poor baby. Oh, poor baby. I'm not a baby. Can I sleep in your bed? Um, I don't think that's such a good idea, honey. Um, I don't think that's such a good idea, honey. Please, Mummy. I'm scared. Maybe if we just wait until he goes back to sleep, I can put him back into his own bed. No! No! Or we could just try again tomorrow night. No, y-you don't have to go. It's fine. I'm sorry, Dave. (CHUCKLES) Sleep well, you two. See ya, Dave. A painting came to life? Whoa. That's some heavy shit. A painting came to life? Whoa. That's some heavy shit. Yeah, poor little kid. Check it out, bro. GOAT SCREAMS BOTH LAUGH That is freaky good. (CHUCKLES) That is freaky good. (CHUCKLES) See? Wouldn't you rather be here with me? Sure I would, Az. Sure I would, Az. GOAT SCREAMS But, tomorrow, I'm staying at Cara's ` all night. GOAT SCREAMS GOAT SCREAMS (LAUGHS) That's brilliant. RELAXED MUSIC That's fine. 2 o'clock sounds good. We can do that for you. Not a problem. You're late. Dylan's already in there. No sleep. No sleep. Great. Yep. No, we'll see you then. Thank you, Margaret. Bye. Yeah, join the club. Yeah, join the club. What, the shaggers' club? Pardon? Pardon? Sorry. Don't mind me. But if you're tired because you've been banging your toy boy, I don't have any sympathy. because you've been banging your toy boy, I don't have any sympathy. I haven't, actually. He had to go. What's wrong? What's wrong? (SIGHS) It's the same every spring. WOMAN MOANS > One, two, three. < BANGING, MOANING BANGING, MOANING MOANING Shaggers to the left; shaggers to the right; shaggers above and below. Like I was telling Cara, every spring, the entire apartment building starts. The rest of the year, it's just the coughing guy. The rest of the year, it's just the coughing guy. (INHALES) I feel your pain. Yeah? Yeah? (INHALES) Yeah, Claire and Claire, the couple I flat with. Shaggers? Shaggers? Worse. They've started a ukulele group. LAUGHS: Oh my God. Poor you. Well, I tell you what ` next time they start strumming, give me a call. I'll take you out for a drink. You're on. (INHALES) CHEERFUL MUSIC Hi. Can I help you? Can I help you? Is Jasmine here? She's got maths tutoring. But, um, I can pass on a message. She's got maths tutoring. But, um, I can pass on a message. Uh, tell her Marco came round. OK, Marco. I think Jasmine might have a boyfriend. Huh? Huh? Mm. Sorry. It's just that it's a first time for me, and Scarlett's older, but she` she's not into boys. She likes girls? She doesn't really like anyone. She does LARPing ` play-fighting with swords and that. She does LARPing ` play-fighting with swords and that. Jeez. Shame. It's hard. I want to be a cool, kind of liberal mother. Do you also want to be a cool, kind of liberal grandmother? Do you also want to be a cool, kind of liberal grandmother? Jesus, Hugo, could you not? It's true. Boys that age only got one thing on their brain. It's true. Boys that age only got one thing on their brain. Jasmine's only 13. She's far too young for any of that stuff. Look, if you don't want her to go out with the kid, just say no. Look, if you don't want her to go out with the kid, just say no. COUGHS: Stepdaddy. Doesn't matter. If they wanna do it, they'll go to the PE shed at lunchtime. Azza! Azza! It's what we did... when we could. I'm being naive, aren't I? Girls these days want to grow up too fast. I'm being naive, aren't I? Girls these days want to grow up too fast. Mm. So do I let Jasmine go out with this boy or not? I... don't know. I'm sorry. I'm boring you. I'm sorry. I'm boring you. No way. It's` No, it's` it's not that. It's just more... (SIGHS) I just don't want to be stepdaddy-o. I just don't want to be stepdaddy-o. (GIGGLES) I'd never expect you to be that. Really? Cos... I like you, but I can't be anyone's parent. I like you, but I can't be anyone's parent. I know, and you're not. I know. I'm still getting used to being someone's boyfriend. I'm still getting used to being someone's boyfriend. Well, so let's get back to that. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES, SQUEALS) You know what you have to do. You know what you have to do. Not tonight. I'm tired. Logan, what are we paying you for? I want a pay rise ` $2. No way. No way. $1.50. It's hard work, you know. It's hard work, you know. The deal is $1.50. Take it... or suffer. Mum! Mum! BOTH GASP I had the bad dream again. Can I sleep in your bed? Are you sure you can't be brave enough to go to your own bed, honey? Are you sure you can't be brave enough to go to your own bed, honey? I don't want to be a circus freak. I know the feeling. I know the feeling. Dave, no. This is silly. I-I want you to stay the night, OK? I like you when you get bossy. Logan, you're not staying in Mummy's bed tonight. Come on. But what about the clown and the bear? WHISPERS: I'll be right back. You're on your own with those suckers tonight, buddy. Ah. PEACEFUL MUSIC Morning. Morning. Morning. (CHUCKLES) Hey, we made it. I stayed the night. WEAKLY: Yay. (CHUCKLES) I hope no one's eaten all the Chocko Balls. FAST ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Can we get a lift today? No, you're walking. And you say we're not allowed iPods at the table. Yeah. Why is he allowed to? Yeah. Why is he allowed to? Because he's not a ch` Dave's a grown-up. FAST ROCK MUSIC PLAYS FAST ROCK MUSIC PLAYS It means we can have a chat ` girl talk. Oh God. Oh God. So. How's Marco? Why? Is he your boyfriend? Is he your boyfriend? Mum! Is he your boyfriend? Mum! If he is, I'm OK with it. Marco's not my boyfriend! Look, I know you're reaching the age where you're gonna want to have relationships. You too, Scar. (SNICKERS) As if. Shut up. Shut up. It's important that we do this. We should've done it a while ago. Done what? Well,... when a man... when a man... (GASPS) when a man... (GASPS) ...and a woman... (GROANS) (GROANS) ...are attracted to each other... (GROANS) ...are attracted to each other... (SIGHS) Mum. Look, I know this is embarrassing to talk about. Look, I know this is embarrassing to talk about. Marco's not my boyfriend! I would never do anything with him or anyone else, so please just stop! You are so dumb sometimes. Scar. Scar. Marco's not her boyfriend. He's her bully. # Drink a beer. Listen to Motorhead. # Drinkin' beer, listenin' to Motorhead. Drinkin' beer, listenin' to Motorhead. # Drinkin' beer, listenin' to Motorhead. # Huh? Huh? Nothing. Nothing for you to worry about. Are you sure? Are you sure? 'Course. 1 Oh, good morning. Oh, good morning. Morning, Gran. Oh, good morning. Morning, Gran. Oh! Ah! Oh! No! No! No! No! No! No! Oh, for f` Jesus! (PUFFS) Oh my God, Dave. What happened? Oh my God, Dave. What happened? Bunch of little shits. Who were they? Told you he wasn't Jasmine's boyfriend. Told you he wasn't Jasmine's boyfriend. Scarlett! It was Marco? It was Marco? He might be a dumb-arse, but he does have good aim. Why did he do that? Why did he do that? I don't know! I'll go. What's going on, Scar? What's going on, Scar? I've already said too much. If you really want to know, consult the font of all knowledge. If you really want to know, consult the font of all knowledge. Is that a LARPing thing? No, it's Facebook. Just hack into Jasmine's page. All should be revealed. All should be revealed. Including the little bastard's address? I'm not` I'm not doing it. It would be snooping into Jasmine's private business. I will. I'll find out where he lives, go round and s` I will. I'll find out where he lives, go round and s` I'm so sorry, Dave. Better check on Jas. Better check on Jas. (PANTS) PEOPLE CHATTER, UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Dude. You've got snot all up in the back of your hair. Dude. You've got snot all up in the back of your hair. It's not snot; it's egg. (CHUCKLES) You upset another lady? (CHUCKLES) You upset another lady? I didn't upset... I don't do that any more. I'm a one-lady man. Who's a lady man? It was a group of kids. They were aiming for Cara's daughter. It was a group of kids. They were aiming for Cara's daughter. Nice (!) Yeah, tell me about it. (SIGHS) When I find the little shits... WOMAN: Thanks, Dave. Hey. Hey. Hey. Az. Hey. Good to see you, brother. You been missing me? The flat has been feeling a bit quiet. Can you hack someone's Facebook account? Can you hack someone's Facebook account? Oh, right. OK, so her name's Jasmine Gray. I guess her last name's the same as Cara's. I don't even know. That her? That her? Even 13-year-olds pull that duck face? All the girls do that, dude. I don't know why. And there you have it ` Jasmine Gray. Her wall, her pics, her comments, her likes. You hacked it that quickly? You hacked it that quickly? Nah, bro. She's got no privacy settings ` not a one. OK. Let's see if we can find this Marco kid. And there he is ` Marco. Look at him, the little poser. Holy shit. Did he write that to her? Did he write that to her? READS: 'You're a filthy piece of...' Whoa. Scroll down. There's more. There's more. READS: Everyone hates you, Spaz-min. There's more. READS: Everyone hates you, Spaz-min. What an awesome guy (!) I wasn't trying to be parent guy, all right? Nothing to do with helping Jasmine; everything to do with finding that little scumbag and teaching him some manners. And see? He is a little scumbag. So now maybe you'll agree that I should go round there and k... My poor little girl. Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me? Because it's private. Why didn't you tell me? Because it's private. But I can help. I'm glad Dave found it. He found it? Why? I wanted to find him so I could go round and crack an egg on his head. I wanted to find him so I could go round and crack an egg on his head. (SCOFFS) Oh, Jas. Do I have to go to school tomorrow, Mum? (SNIFFS) Please, can't I just stay home? Honey, hiding from the problem isn't gonna solve it. Why has Marco got it in for you? I don't know. I didn't do anything. Of course you didn't, sweetheart. Of course you didn't, sweetheart. You didn't call him a bum-wipe or anything? Why would you say that? Why would you say that? No reason. Marco wanted me to be his girlfriend. But I didn't want to, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. How do you mean? How do you mean? Well, he came over, but I wasn't here, so he kept texting, and I told him I already had a boyfriend. I said he was in Year 11 at a different school, but no one believed me. Because it's not true. Is it? Is it? No. I thought it would make him stop. But yesterday he came and threw eggs, and he told everyone that I was a liar. (SNIFFS) I just want it all to stop, Mum. (CRIES) What happened? What happened? I'm gonna fix this, Jas. I promise you. You can't. I can, because I'm your mum, and that's what mums do. I love you so much. REFLECTIVE MUSIC She all right? She all right? Maybe I should have let her stay home. Oh, she'd only have to face them tomorrow. It's a different world these days. Sure is. Sure is. You're 24. Yeah? But when I was at school, if you had a problem with someone, you told them to their face... or via text message. And if you asked a girl out and she said no, you just dealt with it and asked out her best friend. I still think I should ring the school. I still think I should ring the school. Nah, narking won't help. What do you suggest? What do you suggest? Why should he suggest anything? He's not Jasmine's father. Yeah, but it wasn't that long ago that I was at school myself. We know. We know. (SCOFFS) The thing is if you do that, the kid will hate Jasmine more. So will everyone else, because she'll be the narker. It was the same when I was at school. But what the hell do I do? Perhaps we should` Perhaps we should` Go straight to the source of the problem. That's what I reckon. Marco's mother. Marco's mother. No, you don't go to the mother; you go to Marco. (SCOFFS) Try to reason with a teenage psychopath? You don't reason with him; you scare the living crap out of him. Frighten a 13-year-old child? Frighten a 13-year-old child? A 13-year-old shit-for-brains. Frighten a 13-year-old child? A 13-year-old shit-for-brains. Marion's right. Thank you for trying to help, but this is best dealt with mum-to-mum. Thank you for trying to help, but this is best dealt with mum-to-mum. No! It... Oh. Sorry. You're her mum. You know best. Yeah. If one of my children were bullying someone, I would want to know. Hmm. Hmm. I would, Jen. Seriously, any mother would. There it is. Yep, across the road. Oh my God! There it is! Oh my God! There it is! Ow! What? My dream home. Ha. This is your dream home? It's full site, needs work. It's full site, needs work. Yeah, a lot of work. It's full site, needs work. Yeah, a lot of work. I-I can't believe this. Neither. Your dream home is right across the road from Jasmine's bully's house. But you're gonna make friends with the mum. You're doing her a favour, cos any mother would want to know. It's appalling. Unbelievable. Yes. Yes. And as soon as I've got Marco's side of the story, I'll give you a call. Oh. I would've thought it was pretty black and white. Oh. I would've thought it was pretty black and white. We can't jump to conclusions. Did you see the things he called my daughter? The comments are there right next to his picture. Someone else might've been using his Facebook page. Someone else might've been using his Facebook page. OK. Maybe. But... he also threw eggs at my boyfriend. Your boyfriend? Partner. It was an unprovoked attack. Well, I'll have to verify that with Marco. Look, he's been targeting Jasmine for a while now and` Look, he's been targeting Jasmine for a while now and` So she says. Are you calling my daughter a liar? Marco says she's loose with the truth, since you mention it. Marco says she's loose with the truth, since you mention it. Oh my God. I'd like you to leave now, please. I'd like you to leave now, please. But` I'd like you to leave now, please. But` Innocent till proven guilty, Karen. Cara. Yes, those figures are my entire income. No, I do not have a husband or partner who might be able to contribute. You know what? I might try another bank. Good day to you. Dick. How'd it go? Mmm. How can people be so stupid? How can people be so stupid? It's parenthood. Something changes in the brain. Not you. Paula Milton brought her twins into the office two weeks ago. She didn't think anyone would know. And? And? And the little toads put a cronut on my office chair. Oh, that` that's bad. Oh, that` that's bad. Sure is. Waste of a good cronut. There was chocolate and custard all over my new pencil skirt. And when I gave Paula Milton the dry-cleaning bill, she refused to pay it. (GASPS MOCKINGLY) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Hey, spunky. (LAUGHS) Hey, spunky. Hello. Ladies. Long time no see. Ladies. Long time no see. Phil! Hook a sister up with a mortgage? (CHUCKLES) He's a corporate banker. He doesn't do piddly little residential mortgages. Little? I wish. Little? I wish. All I can offer is advice, really. Little? I wish. All I can offer is advice, really. Thanks. I might take you up on that. The new fellow not with you, Cara? The new fellow not with you, Cara? He's at work. So what I'm saying is, Cara, parents never see their little darlings for the beasts they are, so if you want action, go straight to the principal of Jasmine's school. Let them deal with it. I did think of that, but Dave said that'd make it worse. I did think of that, but Dave said that'd make it worse. I'm sorry, 'Dave said'? What? And he's an expert, is he? What? And he's an expert, is he? Well, he is closer to Jasmine's age than Cara's. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Sorry. (CHUCKLES) No, he's a real sweetie, really. And things are going really well. The clown and the bear! Your mum's not even here. (SIGHS) (SCOFFS) JASMINE SNIFFS JASMINE SNIFFS It's OK, sweetheart. Shh. JASMINE SNIFFS According to the deputy principal, the school won't discipline Marco, because the bullying took place 'outside of school hours'. That's crazy. That's crazy. She said, 'Delete all her social media accounts.' That's sensible. Why are you looking at Fiji? Why are you looking at Fiji? Last night, it came to me. I've got that deposit sitting in my bank account, gathering dust. You're spending your savings? You're spending your savings? Cara, I'm never gonna get a house. I'm one person with one income, and the system just doesn't work for people like me. and the system just doesn't work for people like me. Well, you can't give up. I'll stay in the shoebox, and I'll go somewhere sunny every year instead. Live life now. Why not? Here we go. A little bure on the sand. Not a shagger in sight. I'm there. God, I wish I was too. Jas cried herself to sleep last night. Do you want Auntie Jen to go down to the school and kick some third form butt? It's year nine these days, and no. That would make things worse. I'm only kidding. I'm not that stupid. SCHOOL BELL RINGS Oi, you. It's Marco, right? Get lost. Get lost. You think you're the big man? Saying all that stuff on the internet ` stuff you'd never have the balls to say to their face. There's Miss Lanceworthy. Great. Let's tell Mrs Lanceworthy what you've been doing to Jasmine Gray. Or we can tell her that you exposed yourself and offered us candy. Mrs Lanceworthy! I don't know how Cara can send her kids into that hellhole every day. I'd homeschool the poor little bastards. Shit. Shit. (SIGHS) What? Shit. (SIGHS) What? This is freaky. What? What? It sounds like you... care. Eh? Eh? You are going all stepdaddy on those kids' arses. Nah. Nah. Some poor deluded woman trusts you to be a stepdad? No. And I don't want any kids. Good luck with that. But, you know, they haven't got a father. So? So? Well, I dunno. I mean, maybe I could help... with the kid stuff. Dude,... you're freaking me out. Yeah. I think I need to spend a couple of nights at home in my own room, in my own bed. Bloody good idea, mate. You're telling me I have to pay more because I'm single? She won't be long. She won't be long. Ta. No, I do not have a friend I can go with. I like my own company. I like being single. But apparently I'm a second-class citizen! Everything OK? Everything OK? Everything's not OK. Everything's twin bloody share. Oh, I hate that. Oh, I hate that. I can't get the dream house on my own. I can't even get a package deal to Fiji on my own. I'm sorry, hon. I'm sorry, hon. You know, when Alec and I split up, he bought me out of the shop. OK. OK. I put the money on term investment. Mine is too. Mine is too. You guys are so good. But not good enough. But not good enough. I so need to get away from Claire and Claire and their ukuleles. Oh my God. Are you suggesting...? Yes, I think I am. Yes, I think I am. You'll come to Fiji with me? Perfect. Perfect. No, that's not what I'm suggesting. Oh! What? I'm lost... You'll come and look at a house with me? No. No. Yes. Let's check it out, sister. Right now? After my hot stone massage would be good. After my hot stone massage would be good. Come on through. You would buy a house with someone you hardly even know? I know Dylan. I've been waxing his back for a year. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? How could you do that?! Marco put it on Facebook. Now Jasmine's a bigger reject than yesterday. Because I went to school to talk to the deputy principal? Because I went to school to talk to the deputy principal? Cos you sent Dave to the school! Bad move, Mother. Bad move, Mother. Everyone thought he was my big brother, and it's so embarrassing! Finish up here, then home for Trash Truck Smashdown, yeah? FAST ROCK MUSIC Finish up here, then home for Trash Truck Smashdown, yeah? Sounds good. Maybe I could ring a few of the boys, get a party happening? Maybe I could ring a few of the boys, get a party happening? Yeah. Shit. Don't pike on me now, Dave. Shit. Don't pike on me now, Dave. I'm not gonna pike. (SCOFFS) Hey, babe. Hey, babe. Did you go to Jasmine's school and talk to Marco? No. No. You're lying to me. No. You're lying to me. Bugger. Why did you do that, Dave? Is it because of the egg thing? Why did you do that, Dave? Is it because of the egg thing? No. Well, partly. But mainly because he was making your kid miserable, and now it's making you miserable. And I don't like it. I'm sorry. That's really sweet. Come here. So, yes to Trash Truck Smashdown and calling the boys and gettin' our party on? I really appreciate that you were trying to help, but... I really appreciate that you were trying to help, but... What are you gonna do? I don't know. You think you can protect your kids forever, but... I don't know. You think you can protect your kids forever, but... Order up, Dave! Today's good. Today's good. I should go. Today's good. I should go. I'll call you. You know what she should do? Tell the kid to quit LARPing. She'll stop getting teased. Case closed. It's not the LARPing one; it's the other one. No shit? No shit? Yeah, she got busted telling lies about having a boyfriend. Maybe she didn't have any follow-through. Remember that girl I was seeing, Pippa? Who wanted you to meet her grandparents? I told her I was going to Canada to hunt moose. Not his best excuse. Not his best excuse. You think it should've been bears? Anyway, she bought it. Then she offered me a ride to the airport. And he said yes. And he said yes. It would seem rude not to. Packed a bag. She took me out there. We did the big farewell. Then I picked him up, and we went to the pub. Then I picked him up, and we went to the pub. And that, my friend, is follow-through. Boom. is follow-through. Boom. BOTH CHUCKLE is follow-through. Boom. BOTH CHUCKLE You guys are jerks, eh. Isn't lying better than telling the truth? Sometimes. Sometimes. Anyway, how's that girl? The one who's being bullied? Oh, she's, uh` (SCOFFS) Liam, how old are you? Liam, how old are you? 17. And what're you doing tomorrow morning? You got a car? And what're you doing tomorrow morning? You got a car? I can borrow my mum's. How come? I've got a genius idea. HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS Yo. Yo. Stranger danger. Keep walking. WHISPERS: Does he count as a stranger if he's cute? WHISPERS: Does he count as a stranger if he's cute? Yo, are you Jasmine? I work with Dave. He said you might need a lift to school today. HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC STOPS LIAM: Later, babe. Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming. Thank you. Thanks. Thanks. Thank you. Do you leave the toilet seat up? Do you leave the toilet seat up? Never. Do you own, or know anyone who owns, a ukulele? That's a negative. White bread or brown? That's a negative. White bread or brown? White bread is white death. Agreed. Do you leave towels on the bathroom floor? Do you leave towels on the bathroom floor? Absolutely not. And... I can cook. Hello. Hey. Hey. Oh, hey, Dave. Hey. Oh, hey, Dave. Hey. How was your day? Oh, it was amaze. Marco let me wear his beanie for the whole of English, and Demi and Siobhan let me sit with them at lunch, which meant I didn't have to sit in the library like Scarlett. Hey, is it cool if I go to the movies tonight? Of course. Of course. Yay. Yo, what you did ` pretty rad. No sweat. (CHUCKLES) DOOR CLOSES > DOOR CLOSES > What am I missing here? Just that I might not be quite so bad at this parent thing after all. Dave... Dave... I'm not getting carried away, but, you know, one day. Yeah. I don't get it. When that fake boyfriend dropped Jas off this morning, Marco and all them said she was a sluzzy ho. Did they? Did they? But by lunchtime, they were all good with Jasmine. Were they, now? You know something. Well, I went to school today, and I talked to Marco, and I told him... Hello, Marco, darling. You forgot your lunch today. I don't even know you. I don't even know you. Marco, you'll hurt Nan-Nan's feelings. Get lost, crazy lady. Get lost, crazy lady. And I'll have you on the naughty chair when you get home. WHISPERS: You leave Jasmine Gray alone, or I will be here every day to visit my darling grandson. (SCOFFS) You are the master, Gran! Well, sometimes grandmothers know best. And never send a man to do a woman's work. BEEP! BEEP! You just got outbid. BEEP! You just got outbid. No, I didn't. I have auto-bid. You really are an inspiration. You really are an inspiration. There is no obstacle that can't be defeated... by planning. Your work is done. Your work is done. I don't think so. Your work is done. I don't think so. Dave's not so bad. He deserves to be beheaded. He deserves to be beheaded. That sounds bad. He deserves to be beheaded. That sounds bad. There are worse ways you could go. Why are you making yourself look like a sluzz? Why are you making yourself look like a sluzz? I do not look like a sluzz. And I'm going out with a friend. We've pooled our resources. The bank's pre-approved us. The auction's tomorrow. You guys are crazy ` actually crazy. Says the woman dating Gen Y. Says the woman dating Gen Y. Hey, we're making it work. Says the woman dating Gen Y. Hey, we're making it work. So you should. He's cute. I know. You didn't tell me Jen had a new man ` such a handsome one. Oh, they're not together. Oh, they're not together. But they're buying a house. Dylan's gay. Dylan's gay. He's what? Plays for the other team. Plays for the other team. Oh, I know what it means, Carla. What a shame. Snacks? Snacks? Ooh, coming up. WHISPERS: Buying real estate with a gay man, Jenny? How can that not end in tears? Hey, Mum, just off to the movies. Hey, Mum, just off to the movies. Do you need to be picked up? Hey, Mum, just off to the movies. Do you need to be picked up? Oh, I'm fine. I won't be late. It's so nice to see she's got friends again. It's so nice to see she's got friends again. (SCOFFS) You mean her boyfriend? What boyfriend? What boyfriend? Liam. The guy Dave set her up with. What? What? Oh, sorry, Dave. Was I not meant to say? I did not set her up. I can totally explain. Wait. Wait. Wait. Hey, bro. How's it going? Hey, bro. How's it going? Hold on. Hold on. Hey, bro. How's it going? Hold on. Hold on. You are not going to the movies. You said I could. You said I could. With friends. You said I could. With friends. Liam's my friend. That's where you're wrong, and you're not going. That's where you're wrong, and you're not going. And you're not my Dad. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. That's enough. Inside. Mum! Mum! Inside. Mum! Inside. OMG. I officially hate you! Jasmine! What is the problem here, bro? What is the problem here, bro? She's 13 years old. So? So? I thought you were a nice guy who respected women. I am. I am. Then find someone your own age. I am. Then find someone your own age. I could say the same to you. Jasmine is my` I'm her` She is my girlfriend's daughter, and I am telling you it's not happening. I don't see why you're getting so bent out of shape. We were just going to the movies. You said I could have a boyfriend. You said I could have a boyfriend. When? You said I could have a boyfriend. When? The other day! That's when I thought your boyfriend was the same age as you. Oh, so Marco would be better than Liam? Oh, so Marco would be better than Liam? Well, yes. Even though he was mean? Even though he was mean? Well, no. Even though he was mean? Well, no. You're not making sense. Liam is 17. He doesn't go to school. If he wants to go out with you, there's something` What's wrong with me?! Nothing, darling. Nothing, darling. (SIGHS) He's only a few years older, and you're way older than Dave, and that's meant to be OK. It's not happening, all right? It's not happening, all right? GROANS: Oh my God! 1 Guess what, little brother? You're back on. But you said we weren't. Change of plan. I've got a really good idea. What's your idea this time? No more stepdaddy-o. (SIGHS) I'm out of the game. Could be one of your better ideas. DOOR OPENS > DOOR OPENS > Mum, Mum! The clown and the bear came out of the painting! And this time, there was a... there was a bearded lady who wanted to marry me! Sweetheart. I'm sorry, Dave. Shh, it's OK. Actually, it's not really. He's frightened. He's frightened. Isn't it time he learnt to deal with nightmares? Shh. He's right there. Shh. He's right there. I know. He's here every night. Dude, go back to bed. Dave! You had a bad dream, but it's just a dream. We'll tuck you in, and you'll be sweet. Oh, I don't believe this. You need to go back to your bed, OK? You need to go back to your bed, OK? He doesn't have to, not because you say, ever. I'm not trying to be mean, but how's the little guy gonna get over his fears if he's here every night? I don't know how you can say that when you have no idea what it's like to be a mother or a parent! You're right. I don't. But I do remember what it's like to be 8 and want to sleep in your parents' bed, then getting kicked out cos they got sick of having their nights ruined. You`? You think this is all about you? No. But you can't sacrifice everything for your kids, especially when they're... Especially when they're what? Don't hold back, Dave. Scarlett and Jasmine give me crap every time I see them. No, they do not. No, they do not. And you are so dumb about it. I am not an idiot! I am not an idiot! No! You're a parent. Oh, well don't make it sound like an insult. Oh, well don't make it sound like an insult. I wasn't. I'm just... Oh, shit. I've got to go. He said the S word. REFLECTIVE MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Going. Going. Gone. Yes. (MOUTHS) SCREAMING SCREAMING (CHUCKLES) DOOR CLOSES Hey. Hey. Hey. Not staying at Cara's tonight? Not staying at Cara's tonight? Nah. SCREAMING CONTINUES More goats who yell like humans? More goats who yell like humans? Nah-uh. These are seals that yell like humans. Yeah? Yeah? I don't want to be disloyal to the goats, but the seals are next level. I think me and Cara might've broken up. I think me and Cara might've broken up. Eh? What'd you do? Nothing. And I haven't got laid for five days. Huh? Huh? Those kids, they keep cock-blocking me! They've got these issues all the time, and what am I meant to do? Lock yourself in the bathroom, sort yourself out. I told her they were crap kids. You what? You what? I might have said that I didn't like the girls... much and that they're mean. and that they're mean. (CHUCKLES) and that they're mean. (CHUCKLES) They are. And one of them's a freak with her pointy hat and her... And Jasmine. (CHUCKLES) 'I hate you, Dave. OMG. LOL. LOL. LOL. (LAUGHS)' Dude, you had a lucky escape. Yeah. Yeah. You don't wanna go back there. Nah. Especially when we've got... catbounce.com. What's that? What's that? My gift to you, bro. My gift to you. CAT MIAOWS AUCTIONEER: Do we have a thousand? 500? Going once, going twice. Sold! Sold! Yes! Sold! Yes! Yeah, baby! Oh! We're home-owners! Congratulations, Jen. Congratulations, Jen. Oh! Oh, Cara. Maybe you should do what I'm doing. Forget Dave; go for someone agreeable and low-maintenance. Forget Dave; go for someone agreeable and low-maintenance. Go for someone gay? Being a fag hag has a lot to recommend it. REFLECTIVE MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Oh shit. Very inventive stuff, this. Whose idea was it, Logan? Don't look at them; you look at me. Whose idea was it? They made me. They made me. I'll make you suffer so hard. They made me. I'll make you suffer so hard. Stop it! Both of you. You wrote lines for him? You wrote lines for him? It was just a game. They made you pretend to have nightmares? Moron. Moron. Why would you want him to do that? Dave. You went to all this trouble to make Dave leave. Why? Why? He ruined everything with Liam. Why? He ruined everything with Liam. He's your toy boy. It's humiliating. And a bum-wipe! And a bum-wipe! And he's a try-hard! And a bum-wipe! And he's a try-hard! OK, enough. And what's your problem with Dave? And what's your problem with Dave? I like him. But they were offering $1.50 a night. Bloody hell. Did you even stop to think for one minute how I might feel? No, of course not. Well, for once, this isn't about you. SOFT MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES (SIGHS) (SIGHS) Thanks for coming. Dave,... I'm so, so sorry. So am I. I shouldn't have said that your kids` No, you were right. They were being awful, and... I'm so embarrassed. You didn't know. You didn't know. That's why I'm embarrassed. They... They sucked me in. They're your kids. You love them. I get that. I thought they might've scared you away for good. (SNIFFS) Take more than a couple of potty-mouthed teenagers to do that. Take more than a couple of potty-mouthed teenagers to do that. Potty-mouthed? (CHUCKLES) Sorry. No, uh, they're fine. (CHUCKLES) You two have got something to say to Dave? Yep. Yep. Uh-huh. Yep. Uh-huh. Good. I'll see you inside. Mum gave us the speech about how we have to say sorry and be nice to you. And how we all have to get along. Cool. Good. Fair enough, I reckon. We think it's crap. We think it's crap. Total crap. So we decided, instead, we're gonna make your life hell. Yeah? Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. We think so. Bring it on. UPBEAT MUSIC Captions by Finn Scott-Kelly. Edited by Desney Shaw. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014