Able 2018 Whoa! (car horns honking) (groaning) (Another Day of Sun from La La Land) # Another Springfield day # A truly perfect place to see your dreams just fade away # Working at the plant's fried everything inside my pants # Good-bye to all romance # All I've got to show for 20 years or so is you - Carl! - Prescription pain pills! # I have a law degree # For years I've smelled just like cat pee # This town just drags you down # She's completely lost her head # And we will eat her when she's dead # It really shouldn't be too long - # Cats! Cats! Cats! - # She'll be our dinner # This truly is an awful town # The water's green, the sky is brown # Pope Francis came, he turned around # Our strongest bridge just holds ten pounds # We're poisoned by a greedy clown # Kang-a-roo meat! # Traffic suffers from paralysis Please. I'm late for my dialysis. # It's another Springfield day # Oh, oh, oh, oh # I'm too sad to say ole # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # We've lost our coolest gays # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Duffman thinks this town's OK! # Oh, oh, oh, oh # It's another Springfield day! # (people screaming) (laughs) Lenny's a survivor! LISA: # This will be a perfect day # No way to go outside and play # And so we're on our way # To a very nerdy science conference # Ba-ba ba-ba-dum ba-dum, ba-ba # Bum-bum, ba-ba-dum, ba-da, ba-ba # Take it Bart! If you're givin' it, I don't want it. Bring it home, boy. # My sister sucks! # Nyah, nyah. # It's another perfect day! # (sucking) I brought my stems. Sir, this is a conference of Science, Technology, Engineering and Math. What about this one? Dialogue on Paediatric Education. (buzzing) (hums) I find this claim highly doyvik. It's all true according to the highly-prestigious Institute for Purchased Science. Here's our top scientist now. Sir, I-I don't think this is fooling anyone. Quiet! And put on the monocle, Professor Noodle-Strudel. (Smithers sighs) - So where's your booth? - I don't have one. - I just came here for fun. - Fun?! One child, please. I was here first. If disco's dead, I don't want to live. It's Stuicide! - Self-unrolling yoga mats. - (rhythmic whirring) Artificial intelligence that writes TV recaps. Stranger Things suffers from season two fatigue. And look! IMAX Al Gore! If every family could just reduce their carbon footprint by ten percent... Oh, it's hopeless. The floods are comin', people! This is my Woodstock! (laughs goofily) You OK, honey? (slurring words): It's fine. It's fine. I'm just intellectually drunk. Mm. I guess that's OK. Marge, Marge, Marge, you lighten up. It's science. Maybe you should sit down. I ain't sittin'. I'm ready to fly! Hmm. Hey, kid, I want to show you something. Are you a pervert? No. A chemical engineer. (crying): No! I used to be like you. You mean incredibly bored? Oh, let's see if you think this is boring. I drop a little water on powdered sodium... BART: Huh?! Wow! Listen, I don't know what you're teaching, but you and I have great chemistry. Except for the lab coat. It makes you look kind of heavy. I actually am kind of heavy, and it makes me look thinner! I don't know what could make this day more perfect. (jazz plays on piano) (gasps) You didn't applaud. Nothing. Here, I'll show ya how it goes. Thank you. No selfies. LISA: In a lesser musician, that boy's attitude would be needy masquerading as arrogance. I'm leaving if he can't sing. # I've had my share of crazy flings # But they all end up leavin' # And leavin', well, it really stings... LISA: Oh, God. He's one small step away from destroying all my logic and reason. (warm, romantic music) Ah. Ah. Ah. Hey, Lisa. I brought you three waters: cold, lukewarm and warm. - That's nice. Any sparkling? - Damn it! # Everything is changing... # Enjoy endless data on your favourite social apps with Vodafone Social Pass, and get free social data for 90 days when you switch to Vodafone. * Hi. (chuckles nervously) I'm Lisa Simpson, and I'm nervous - about saying anything that will ruin this perfect moment. - My name's Brendan. Oh, good, good. No last names. Don't want things moving too fast. Oh! I hope our children get his hair. Now to subtly find out how old he is. - How old are you? - Well, I'm 11, but I'm insouciant at a 12th grade level, and I'm talented, too. (laughs) So unfair, right? That's amazing, because the boys I know are re... I've got sparkling! - Sorry, I'm not thirsty any more. - Damn it! Um, so w-where do you go to school? I just moved here. I'm starting next week at a school called Springfield Elementary. I see it got a few dreadful reviews on Yelp. This guy called Gary Chalmers gave it half a star. Bloody hell! Of all the K through sixes in this world, you had to walk into mine. A beautiful hotel bar! Just like in The Shining! Oh, hi, lee... tle girl. If you see your ma... uh, ma wife,... tell her Homer ` not your dad ` wants the credit card. I will... sir. - Sir? I'm your dad. - D'oh! MAN (German accent): Today, we are performing an experiment that we humorously call 'making elephant toothpaste'. Boy, the Germans sure know their humour. Let's just hope they know something about chemistry. First, add a tablespoon of dish soap to hydrogen peroxide, then add the warm water and the yeast! - (explosion) - Aah! German chemistry! (whimpering, boys laugh) (saxophone and piano play lively, upbeat jazz) Sounds great, Lisa. Really great. You're just a little behind the beat. Uh, maybe you're a little ahead? - Aw, you're so cute when you're wrong. - (growls) - Channel that rage! - No! Make that reed pay for my sins! (playing lively jazz) - Yeah! - (banging on wall) - HOMER: Knock off that racket! It's not a racket! It's the truest American art form! Banging on the walls is the truest American art form, - and I'm a Picasso! - (banging rhythmically to music) - Oh, no! They're playing in time to the beat of my banging! - Well, then stop banging. I can't. The rhythm is infectious. (continues banging rhythmically to music, groans repeatedly) (dark music) (sneaky note) Here's the school trophy case. If you look closely, it's empty. They're actually decals on the glass. - Oh, hello, Lisa. - (gasps) I see you have a new friend. Brendan, this is Nelson. - Lisa, you sure know a lot of weird guys. - Hello, BRENDA. Excuse me. Why is being a girl an insult? Ah! So evolved! Lisa, are you squishy for this ding-dong? Lisa, does that fat kid like you? (dark note) (laughs drily) Whatever we had ` it's in the past. I think there's something in the water in this town. (unsettled music) (whistles) (laughter) Oh, man. # On a playground I tripped - (girls sigh) - # Then I saw you and flipped - He used 'flipped' with a double meaning! - Bastard! - # Now I'm skippin' and trippin' for you. # - (girls giggle, sigh) He turned his suffering into entertainment, just like the Jewish people! Nothing can ruin this moment. Make way. Dead gophers. Nothing! (lively jazz playing) How can you be sleeping?! (grunting) Oh, thank God. Meanwhile, Bart's teacher says he has a flair for chemistry. Why that little... - Wait. Flair? Isn't that a good thing? - Yes. It's too good. (whistling, liquid gurgling) (gargling) Why don't you ask him what he's up to? Because if he lies to me, it's like a dagger in my heart. What happens when ` I mean if ` I ever lie to you? Can you find out what he's really up to? - I will. - See? That's a lie right there. - D'oh! OK, I really will. - That's also a lie. - D'oh! Fine. I really, really, really will. Finally, the truth. (Homer panting heavily) HOMER: Keeping... promise. (Homer panting heavily) Stupid tree house. (panting) So far off the ground. - (panting heavily) - Uh, Dad, you haven't even started to climb yet. I have to visualise it first. (groans) Thanks, guys. Ah, no problem. Why did we do that, Chief? - Fat man courtesy, Lou. - (whirring) - Fat man courtesy. Son, how do I put this? Are you Breaking Bad up here? No, I'm not. And if you're looking for meth, go see Cletus. - What?! - (beeps) Hi. Meth Life, proud sponsor of the 2020 Opioid Olympics! (squeals) Ooh, that's street ready! Dad, I'm just trying to follow in your footsteps. You work in science, and I think that's really cool. Wow, you've never said that to me before. Do you want to go to work with me today? You can help me research my theory that the chairs can go flat. I'd like to, but I've got to do some colloidal titration. (Homer whimpers) Marge, it's worse than we thought. He's speaking in tongues. He's a religious weirdo. The worst thing there is. Cover your eyes, boys ` I'm about to flip Mr Simpson the 'Flanders finger'. - (gasping) - You mean... Yup ` a thumbs-up without a friendly wink. (boys whimpering) You have a credit card? Yeah, but no money. Oh, a true jazz musician. (dark music) (music continues) (exclaims) Just give the ice cream back. No way. It was really hard to scoop. (door bell tinkles) Prepare to have your ears belted. # My funny valentine # Sweet, comic valentine - Nelson? - # You make me smile # With my heart. # Stop! Why are you doing this? I don't know. There's no good word for what I feel. Scared and excited at the same time. There is a word: vulnerable. 'Vulner-able'? Yup. I always liked you, but now I'm seeing you in a new light. # Your looks are laughable Haw-haw! # Unphotographable # But you're my favourite (off-key): # Work of art (low): # Art (off-key ): # Art. Art. # Nailed it. (grunts) There are three things you need to do to create a home as warm and healthy as this ` warm it up; dry it out; air it out. Check out the three essentials for a healthy home on our website. * And so now there's a jazz war over me. It's pretty bad. But it's pretty great. Uh-huh. Scotland once had two queens fightin' over her. Loser got Scotland. Of course, Brendan is the superior artist. But that kind of intimidates me. And Nelson's rough, but he's sweet. Plus he thinks I have dimples. Dimples? It's that serious? - (Scottish accent): Aye. - Let me give ye advice on love. The Scottish national flower is the thistle. A humble weed. Legend has it that the Norse King Haakon staged a surprise invasion. But his barefooted army stepped on thistles, and their screams awakened the sleepy Scots. (shouting) Many a Norwegian lass lamented their dead lover - on that glorious day. - SKINNER: Willie, someone spiked the teachers' vodka with sulfuric acid. Superintendent Chalmers lost the tip of his tongue. Kin-ner! (sighs) Lisa, this is a song about you. - A kid who's almost there. - (grumbles) And when you get there, you'll blow the roof off. Oh. (plays cheerful music) Yeah, well, I brought my washboard. (scraping) (tyres screech) Nelson. You took our washboard. - I got thongs to scrub. - (growls) - (groans) - I really can't believe that this is a choice. I mean, look at me. And look at him. And then look back at me. Hmm, they're quiet. Too quiet. (Bart and Milhouse laugh) Now they're loud. Too loud. (Bart and Milhouse chuckle) Now they're just right. Too just right. Are you sure Bart's not planning anything? A boy takes his cues from his mother. If I trust him, then he'll be good. Hey, don't knock my mother's method ` complete abandonment from age five. (Bart and Milhouse giggle) HOMER: Hmm. The school talent show. And on the back, chemical equations. Still think he's innocent? We'll just have to go there and see. You wanted rock candy, you got rock candy. (Milhouse sighs) Brendan and Nelson are fighting. I'm getting Daddy's gun to under-arrest them. Oh, no. I'm gonna call you decrescendo, cos you're goin' down. Nelson, that's clever. Thanks. For you, I read a book. (growls) All right, Ralphie, easy, easy. Give Daddy back his hat. Oh, you missed everything, just like Daddy. (saxophone playing) Ugh, so many clams. Well, you're gonna look very nice for the show tonight. It doesn't matter how I look, I'm not ready. I've been so distracted by those boys. How did you choose Dad? And never regret it? HOMER: Marge, I might've swallowed a couple of your earrings. Gotta go. (Marge humming) I do not want to know how you got these back. So, we're really doing it. We're going to a talent show where Bart is putting on a CHEMISTRY demonstration. Have I got that right? If our faces get melted off today, I want the last thing Bart sees to be us believing in him. Fine, fine. Let me just finish my will. And... (exclaims) Oh, it's good to have that taken care of. (orchestra warming up) (singing arpeggios): # Haw-haw-haw, haw-haw-haw, haw. # Nelson? A word? - Take five, Martin. - I'm not even in your act. - I said take five. - (whimpers) Ooh! Nelson, I cherish our unhealthy relationship. Especially the fact that I can tell you the truth. Kiddo, you're not a singer. OK, fine, I won't sing. But I'll still perform. That's how much I want to hold your stupid hand. Oh. You're up, Nelson. (unsettled music) (whimpers) Hello. - I'm the school bully. - (audience booing) Aw, don't be a dingus. I'm the next Charlie Mingus. - (gasps) - (Nelson playing bass) Could I really choose him? (upbeat jazz music) (gasps) My choice is clear: Brendan. - (booing) - Ooh, yeah, I feel the groove. Next contestant, Brendan Beiderbecke. (playing solemn music) And Brendan wins! (lisping): Not so fast. We have a disqualification. This young man does not live in the district. Right, his home is 50 feet into West Springfield, which means he will be transferred to a school three buses and a long bike ride away from here. - Brendan... - No, Lisa. I can't put you through that. I guess this relationship is over until this town invests in mass transit. (whimpers) (cries) I'll never see him again. (continues crying) Lisa, I'm glad you didn't choose me. No woman is worth learning music. All this time I've been choosing jazz over doing my reps. Well, my reps never let me down. Lift weights, get dates. Lift weights, get dates. Well, I guess I'm alone for the moment. And I like it. - Good for Lisa. - She's better off alone. - She doesn't need a man. Wait a minute, everybody. Even though the most interesting and emotionally compelling part is over, we still have one performer who says he will 'blow you away'. So please welcome the original Dennis the Chemist, Bart Simpson. (intriguing music) - Drop the beaker, Screwy Pasteur. - (dog growls) - (chuckles) - No. I wasn't doing anything bad. Pour the beaker and you'll see. We are not gonna let you mix those chemicals. We got a tip from an anonymous source named Seymour Skinner. Do you even know what 'anonymous' means? Uh, helpful? (Marge groans) Mom, I'm innocent. You believe me, don't you? Oh, if he's lying, I'll never forgive him. If he's telling the truth, he'll never forgive me. (short chuckle) Glad I'm not you. Bart, sweetie, I'll pour the beaker for you. (yelps, whimpers) (grunting) (dramatic music playing) ALL: Ooh! Ah! He's innocent. But then who put the sulfuric acid in Superintendent Chalmers' drink? - I did. - Willie! Why? - Why? Because, Seymour, I was trying to kill you. (lisping): Well, that's OK. Good man. - But... - Quiet, Seymour. The man's got a dream. (both sigh) I never doubted you. Well, you should have. (explosions) (smooth jazz music) (bubbling) (indistinct chatter, laughter) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This episode was supposed to have been a parody of Moonlight, not La La Land. Moonlight? But none of us have seen it. We have the DVD. We could watch it tonight. Either that or X-Men: Apocalypse. ALL: X-Men! I'd like to see Moonlight. (smooth jazz music resumes) Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2018