* Dave's staying the night tonight. Dave's staying the night tonight. Kill me now. Shit. Shit. Hey, bum wipe. Mum! Mum! Shit. I officially hate you. So we decided we're gonna make your life hell. Yo. Yo. Whoa. You're home. Yo. Whoa. You're home. It's Thursday ` my day off. Thirsty Thursday as we used to call it, back in the good old days. Thirsty Thursday as we used to call it, back in the good old days. Yeah. We should get back into it. What, you mean that? What, you mean that? Sure. Have you seen my phone? Have you seen my phone? I'll keep an eye out. We could catch up later. You could help me with my speech for Saturday. We could catch up later. You could help me with my speech for Saturday. Bobby asked you to do one? She did. She did. That's awesome, dude. She did. That's awesome, dude. Yeah, I think so. Except I got this thing with Cara tonight. Didn't you see her last night? And the night before? And the night before that? Her and her kids. Her and her kids. Oh, they're not that bad. You said they hated you and the feeling was mutual. You said they hated you and the feeling was mutual. Logan's actually pretty cool. But the girls ` they hate your guts. But the girls ` they hate your guts. Oh, they're all talk. Excuse me. Excuse me. Dick ball. Excuse me. Dick ball. Nerd face. Ass hat. Ass hat. Bi-atch. Ass hat. Bi-atch. Rude! I think they might be getting used to me. It's not surprising, since they do see a lot of you, unlike some people, who don't see you at all. Are you pissed off? Are you pissed off? Me? Shit, no. Just stay here all on my own. Write a speech about our really good friend, all on my own. I could give you a call later if the thing wraps up early. I could give you a call later if the thing wraps up early. But you don't have a phone. ELECTRONIC MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Aw, that's so beautiful. All those precious bromantic moments. I'm just looking for some photos for a 21st. Is Dave turning 21? Is Dave turning 21? A friend of ours. Is Dave turning 21? A friend of ours. Oh, a friend of ours. Me and Dave. What's wrong with that? Me and Dave. What's wrong with that? Me and Dave. Dave and me. Oh, don't be disgusting. Tell me ` are you a little bit defensive or a lot homophobic? No. No. Maybe you can't own up to your feelings. I'm a straight man. I do women and plenty of them. Gidday, Hamish. This is cosy. This is cosy. It's small, but we love it. This is cosy. It's small, but we love it. We do. You two are the perfect couple. > You two are the perfect couple. > I get a home and a boyfriend without the messy complications. So, will you be taking out some walls? Probably. Probably. You could take them all out. What does that mean? What does that mean? < Nothing, hon. I mean, honestly. Why waste hundreds of thousands when you'd just knock this all down and start again? < Julia. < Julia. < I'm serious. This needs more than a coat of paint. This needs more than a coat of paint. We know. We'll get there. We'll get there. Honestly, no. Rebuilding is cheaper in the long run. I mean, we spent 150, and that was just the kitchen. I'm sure you did. Excuse me. I know she's terrible. Just don't listen to her. I know she's terrible. Just don't listen to her. No, she's right. It's a dump. Yeah, but it's your dump, and that's what matters. Yeah, but it's your dump, and that's what matters. I haven't got any money left. After we settled and shifted and got the power on. After we settled and shifted and got the power on. It'll be OK. Dylan's got his own business. Dylan's got his own business. So have we. He does really well. He does really well. So will we. And this is a totally awesome bath. PHONE BEEPS (CHUCKLES) PHONE BEEPS Awesome. Can I do one? Can I do one? You won't know what to say. Can I do one? You won't know what to say. I do so. What are you two up to? What are you two up to? Just texting someone. What are you two up to? Just texting someone. I hope it's not that boy, Liam. PHONE CHIMES PHONE CHIMES It's not. Honestly, Gran, she's telling the truth for once. Honestly, Gran, she's telling the truth for once. Glad to hear it. PHONE CHIMES Hey, Liam. You still underage raging? Hey, Liam. You still underage raging? Piss off. He's a bit dark on it, that one. You want another? He's a bit dark on it, that one. You want another? I'm waiting for Dave. Yeah, he's a bit of a worry too. In what way? He's gone the way of all good barmen. He's gone the way of all good barmen. Alcoholic? Day job. They fall in love, chuck it all in for a 9-to-5 cos some woman's offering them a tuna surprise. You were never tempted? You were never tempted? Nah, I'm in hospo for life, mate. That's dedicated. That's dedicated. It's not a job for pussies. Yeah, I thought Dave had what it takes. Yeah, I thought Dave had what it takes. Yeah, me too. Great dinner. Great dinner. Thanks. Great dinner. Thanks. Oh, I assumed you'd made it. Because it was edible? Gay men love trissing around the kitchen. Mincing about with their goat's cheese, tossing a few leaves. Can I just apologise for my sister here and now? You don't have to. You don't have to. What have I done now? You don't have to. What have I done now? I can't take you anywhere, darling. I'm sorry. The thing I said about the money was insensitive because I know you don't have any. And the gay stuff was fine? It's a fact, not an insult. It's a fact, not an insult. So you were insulting me? Not you personally. Look, I know the spa isn't making either of you rich. We're doing our best. We're doing our best. But do you have a business plan? A marketing strategy? We have a bank account and some customers. Oh, you shouldn't launch into these things without advice. Back me up here, Phillip. Back me up here, Phillip. Um. Uh, she might have a point. Oh, I'm sorry if this is over your head. Oh, I'm sorry if this is over your head. (CHUCKLES) I have a friend` I have a friend` Julia. ...who is a business expert. Listen, people usually pay through the nose for his advice, but I'm sure he'd do me a favour. Come for drinks on Saturday, and I'll hook you up. I guess. I guess. Sounds good. I guess. Sounds good. You could join us. Oh, it's not Dave's kind of thing. Oh, it's not Dave's kind of thing. Actually, I've got a mate's 21st. Oh, it's not Dave's kind of thing. Actually, I've got a mate's 21st. You see? Wow, you still go to 21sts. That's so cute. Wow, you still go to 21sts. That's so cute. Are you jealous? No, I'm a home owner now. But will there be a keg? There's bound to be. I could text him. I could text him. Only if you wanna be a big lavender blouse. Oh, shit. Hey. Where's Dave? Not sure. He told me to meet him here. Bullshit. Bullshit. Nah, for real. See? Maybe he meant someone else. Maybe he meant someone else. You're such a bitch. And what are you? And what are you? And what are you, 5? And what are you, crazy? Oh, that's right, you are insane, and Dave never wants to see you again, so... 'In your bum.' What does that mean? I asked him where he'd got to. I asked him where he'd got to. And he said 'in your bum'? (SNORTS) Yeah, I suppose that might pass as repartee in some circles. Drink? Drink? Ah, vodka, lime and soda. Thank you. Well, he told me to meet him here, and I don't have all night, so... Well, he told me to meet him here, and I don't have all night, so... What are you doing? Calling him. PHONE RINGS Crap. Who's that? Who's that? Someone called Stacey. PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Hi. Hello? Dave, can you hear me? Dave, can you hear me? WHISPERS: Stop it. Haha, not answering. That's really mature (!) Who are you with? Dave, you do not treat people this way, OK? Do you hear me? Dave, you do not treat people this way, OK? Do you hear me? < DOOR SHUTS Shit. That bastard hung up on me. That was awesome, honestly. > That was awesome, honestly. > Yeah, right (!) > What are you two doing up? Um, Scarlett was helping me with my maths homework. Um, Scarlett was helping me with my maths homework. That's nice of you. She needs all the help she can get. She needs all the help she can get. Aw. Night, girls. She needs all the help she can get. Aw. Night, girls. Night. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Night. Night, Dave. Night, Dave. See ya. Truly, your sister is the bomb. You don't mean that. No, I do. She is a weapon of tactless destruction, insulting everything in her path. (LAUGHS) She has a kind side. Only you would think that. KNOCK AT DOOR > DOORBELL RINGS DOORBELL RINGS Dave. Dave, are you in there? > DOORBELL RINGS Dave. Dave, are you in there? > What the` ? We are both way pissed off, plus way upset, plus we just shelled out 28 bucks for a cab. Actually, that was me. Actually, that was me. So, where were you? Actually, that was me. So, where were you? I didn't text you. You text me and Azza. You text me and Azza. I lost my phone. And the dog ate your homework. And the dog ate your homework. I did lose it. You are a sick bastard who likes messing with people's heads and playing with their hearts. We went out. We went out. No, we didn't. We went out. No, we didn't. Yes, we did. Not really. > PHONE RINGS See ` he did have his phone. Hi, Mum. Yeah, no, I'm fine. I didn't text ya. No, I don't have scabies. Or a sexually transmitted disease. Mum, why would I ever text you something like that? Mum, why would I ever text you something like that? You think this is funny? You took Dave's phone. No. No. You did. It isn't our fault he left it and didn't have a lock code. It isn't our fault he left it and didn't have a lock code. So you did take it. Scarlett first. Scarlett first. You helped. I don't care who started it. This is juvenile and stupid. How many kids does she have? How many kids does she have? Three. Whoa. Whoa. Can you stop touching things? Sorry, no ` not you, Mum. Set an example for your little sister. > Set an example for your little sister. > I should let you go. Now get to bed and you can apologise to Dave in the morning. Don't do the shrug. How old's the oldest? Go to bed. > Go to bed. > 16. Go to bed. > 16. Shut up. Yeah, bye, Mum. Love you too. Dave, I'm so sorry. Um, it was the girls. It's not your fault. Well, I never would have believed it ` Dave domesticated. Yep, it's all true. Can I call you a cab or something? Can I call you a cab or something? We're fine. Catch you at home, eh? Catch you at home, eh? Whenever. Catch you at home, eh? Whenever. Bye. It was lovely to meet you. PHONE BEEPS I don't think she likes me. Well, then you are lucky, because when she does, it's impossible to get away. PHONE BEEPS Jeez! Did they text everyone I know? You're not worried about Stacey? I was just thinking if you don't like her, what did you see in her? I was drunk, and I'd just broken up with someone. Right. She thought cos we'd had a couple of nights together that we were going out. And she'd tell everyone that, which was awkward, because` And she'd tell everyone that, which was awkward, because` You had a new girlfriend. There aren't hundreds. I know. I'm mostly impressed you have a stalker. I'm mostly impressed you have a stalker. You never had one? I never really had the opportunity. I never really had the opportunity. What about boyfriends? I never really had the opportunity. What about boyfriends? I only really had one. Apart from your husband. He was my husband. You've only been out with one person? Unless you count school socials and spin the bottle and` You seriously have had no men in your life apart from your husband? Is it freaking you out a bit? No. I know I'm not very normal. You're certainly not a slut. You're certainly not a slut. Mm. Are you sure about that? Are you sure about that? Oh. * No. Look, my phone got hacked, and, no, I don't have herpes. But, yeah, good to talk to you too. What's herpes? It's a kind of animal. It's a kind of animal. What kind? I did think those girls were being a bit too good. I did think those girls were being a bit too good. It's not your fault. I know. I know. Girls, you're meant to be ready! I know. Girls, you're meant to be ready! You want me to give them a hurry-up? Why not? And they have to apologise. Hello? Have you heard of the word 'privacy'? Oh, you clearly haven't, so I thought I'd return the favour. Oh, you clearly haven't, so I thought I'd return the favour. Go away. Get out. Get out. I just wanted to congratulate you on being so thorough. I've had messages from people I haven't seen in years, and it is gonna take me hours to tell everyone that I have not won Lotto, that I am not joining the army, and that I am not suffering from various transmittable diseases. Although, I, uh` I do feel something coming on. Oh. (FARTS) Oh, that's bad. (FARTS) (FARTS) Mum! Mum! > Mum! > (FARTS) Mum! > (FARTS) BOTH SCREAM Mum! Mum! What happened? OMG, he just farted at us. OMG, he just farted at us. A disgusting pig fart. I was just expressing how I felt. I was just expressing how I felt. It's revolting. I was just expressing how I felt. It's revolting. And did you apologise to him? He's the one who should say sorry. He's the one who should say sorry. Scarlett! > He's the one who should say sorry. Scarlett! > What died in you? Scarlett! Sorry. Sorry. Jasmine? Sorry. Jasmine? Yep, soz. Thanks. Catch you later. Mmmm. Honey, go and get dressed. Honey, go and get dressed. OK. Honey, go and get dressed. OK. And, you two, get ready for school. Your wish is our command, Mother. I don't know what's going on with those girls. I don't know what's going on with those girls. I sure thought it was obvious. They're unsettled, and they miss you. They're unsettled, and they miss you. I haven't gone anywhere. You are out quite a lot. You are out quite a lot. Not that much. They've had you to themselves a long time, and children don't like change. So I should stay single till Logan leaves home? I stayed single after Doug died. I thought it would be better for Stewie. Stewie was 28 years old. Well, yes. (SIGHS) I think I better get on. Marion. Would you be able to look after the kids on Saturday night? Would you be able to look after the kids on Saturday night? Out again? It's a work thing. I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't important. Fine. < DOOR OPENS Hey. Hey. I kind of recognise you. Vaguely. Hey. I kind of recognise you. Vaguely. Are you sulking? I never sulk. I never sulk. PHONE CHIMES Oh shit. Oh shit. Who is it? Lizzy would like to catch up now that I've won Lotto. Is that the scary one in marketing? Is that the scary one in marketing? Nah, that's Lissy. I really should delete some of these. Why? It's like an entire catalogue of people I ever went out with. It's like an entire catalogue of people I ever went out with. You say that like it's a bad thing. Cheer up. There'll be heaps of hot girls at the party. We can work it. Cheer up. There'll be heaps of hot girls at the party. We can work it. So you are going? You think I'd miss Bobby's party? Thought you might be busy. Thought you might be busy. Nah, I swapped shifts. I wanna hear your speech. Yeah? Yeah? Gonna tell the skinhead story? You think I should? You think I should? Well, it happened. You think I should? Well, it happened. Yeah, it did. VIDEO GAME NOISES PHONE RINGS Hey, Jen. How's it going? Do you know what I'm looking at? Do you know what I'm looking at? No idea. Yeah, hop in the car. There is a tap here that costs more than three deluxe facials. There is a tap here that costs more than three deluxe facials. Do you need a tap? The one in the kitchen fell off. Dylan's gonna fix it. The one in the kitchen fell off. Dylan's gonna fix it. Well, that's good, isn't it? I could drop an entire week's earnings in any one of these aisles. Happy place, Jen. Come on. Close your eyes and think of, uh` You remind me of the babe. You remind me of the babe. You remind me of the babe. You remind me of the babe. What? It's from Labyrinth. David Bowie. Dance Magic Dance? I think I'm regressing. I think I'm regressing. Happy place. Remind me of the babe. Remind me of the` I better go. Remind me of the babe. Remind me of the` I better go. OK, I'll see you tonight. I could spend all day in hardware stores. I could spend all day in hardware stores. Really? It's so full of hot guys. Check it out. Not bad. Not bad. You see? There is an upside to DIY. (CHUCKLES) This gonna be a regular thing ` you working days? This gonna be a regular thing ` you working days? No. Cos it's shit work. No tips. It's a slippery slope, mate. Hi, there. Hi, there. Hey. How are you? Hi, there. Hey. How are you? A little nervous. About what? The business expert who will know I'm a ditz who still adds up on my fingers. You know all that stuff's bullshit, right? You know all that stuff's bullshit, right? Uh, well, if it helps, I'll take it. Hey, wish me luck. Hey, wish me luck. You won't need it. See ya, Dave. Hey, what you up to? Trying to see if it's possible to stage the Battle of Agincourt at Rocket Park. Oh, it sounds like fun. Oh, it sounds like fun. It wasn't fun, Mum. Thousands of prisoners were put to the sword. Goodo. You look different. Oh, just trying to cut it with Julia's corporate friends. Oh, just trying to cut it with Julia's corporate friends. Why bother? Hey. Um, I know it's probably weird for you to see me with someone else. Mum, you don't have to do this. Mum, you don't have to do this. I know it's just been us for a very long time, but it's not like he's moving in or anything. but it's not like he's moving in or anything. < LOGAN: Mum, Dave's here. You were saying? Wow. You look... fantastic. fantastic. I thought you were going to a 21st. Doesn't get started for ages. Thought I'd keep you company. Doesn't get started for ages. Thought I'd keep you company. I'll have Jen. Mind you, she'll be late. She always is. Oh my God! Dylan! Ah! 1 Hi. Hi. Hey. Good to see you. Where's Jen? Where's Jen? Oh, she's late. She's always late. She's always late. Hello. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? He was invited. Right. Well, I think you should go get yourself a drink. Right. Well, I think you should go get yourself a drink. Sure. Wine? Thanks. Yeah. Yay. Good. Cara, hi. Cara, hi. Hi. You look` You look` I was just saying ` very handsome indeed. I'm feeling a lot better. I've been busy, spending a lot of time at the gym. Right. Right. Yeah, it's hard out. They work you till you're sick. Surely not. Surely not. No, you really can end up throwing up. But it's worth it for the endorphins. But it's worth it for the endorphins. If you say so. (LAUGHS) Julia was saying you wanted some advice for your business. You're the business advice guy? You're the business advice guy? He has his own consulting firm. You're the business advice guy? He has his own consulting firm. Don't hate me for it. I don't. I don't. Well, why don't you two go and have a bit of a chat? Uh, we should probably wait for Jen. Uh, we should probably wait for Jen. Oh, she's always late. PHONE RINGS Hey. You still at work? Hey. You still at work? Yeah, I'm on my way. It's a barbie as well. You're missing the food. Just at a thing with Cara. It won't take too long. Just at a thing with Cara. It won't take too long. Harry Potter marathon? Nit combing? She was nervous about meeting some business wanker. She was nervous about meeting some business wanker. (LAUGHS) Oh God, he is so chatting her up. Oh God, he is so chatting her up. What about Bobby's party? Yeah, I'll be there. Yeah, I'll be there. There's such a thing as priorities, Dave. Lover's tiff, is it? What are you doing here? What are you doing here? Bobby invited me. What are you doing here? Bobby invited me. You know Bobby? Yeah, we did Irish dancing together. She beat me at the finals in 2003. Yeah, we did Irish dancing together. She beat me at the finals in 2003. No way. So you don't wanna see me do my slip jig? You're bullshitting. You're bullshitting. Uh-uh. You don't exactly look Irish. You don't exactly look Irish. Well, how do you know Bobby? You don't exactly look Irish. Well, how do you know Bobby? Through Mark. So you didn't get it on with her or anything? So you didn't get it on with her or anything? No. 'Course not. Other interests? OK, I did get it on with her ` once. Hey, me too. You're a lesbo? No, but I'll try anything twice, and you know Bobby's bi. You're just trying to freak me out. Says the man hiding in the closet, afraid to give into his feelings. Says the man hiding in the closet, afraid to give into his feelings. Give it a rest, all right? But this is too much fun. Dirty martini? Is that with a lemon twist or a olive? Um, either. Just easy on the vermouth. Um, either. Just easy on the vermouth. I'm glad you're here. Me too. Me too. (LAUGHS) Oh, I should have been more on to it, but we kind of just launched in. Oh, I should have been more on to it, but we kind of just launched in. A lot of people do. And then they regret it? It's important to have a passion for what you do. It's important to have a passion for what you do. We have that. As well as proper accounts and a business plan. But maybe we should get together next week? Are you sure? Are you sure? I'd love to. Are you sure? I'd love to. Oh, thanks. Actually, I should be thanking you. After that blind date from hell, I realised I had to get things in hand. I realised I had to get things in hand. I'm glad you're feeling better. We need to go. We've got a party to get to. You do? You do? We do, and we're already late. Um, I'll call you, Michael. Um, I'll call you, Michael. Uh, great. Yeah, that's right. Markham Ave. Thanks. Yeah, that's right. Markham Ave. Thanks. What's this all about? Well, it's a barbecue as well as a party. Well, it's a barbecue as well as a party. Were you being jealous? No. Why'd you say you'd call him? Why'd you say you'd call him? For advice. But you don't need that bullshit. But you don't need that bullshit. My current accounting system is two shoeboxes, and one's falling apart. I can help with that. I can help with that. I have plenty of shoeboxes. No, not the shoebox. No, not the shoebox. A filing box would be better, I suppose. No. What you need is good small business accounting software ` invoices, debits, stock controls. I'm an accountant. You're a barman. You're a barman. Yes, but also a fully qualified accountant. (LAUGHS) Are you taking the piss? I passed my degree. I did a year` I passed my degree. I did a year` Why didn't you tell me? I passed my degree. I did a year` Why didn't you tell me? It's not something I'm proud of. And I left, and I'm not proud of that either. My father thinks I'm wasting my life, which is probably true. Come on. Let's go to a party. What, with your 21-year-old friends? What, with your 21-year-old friends? Bobby's cool. You'll like her. I dunno. Maybe. Come on. I've met all your friends, and I'm happy to be insulted by your family on a regular basis, so why don't you meet some of mine? And I'm not leaving you here with Michael. And I'm not leaving you here with Michael. Oh, I knew you were jealous. Of a guy who goes to the gym to throw up? That is not cool. It's kinda quiet. It's kinda quiet. It won't be. Dave. Dave. Hi, Susan. Graham. Dave. Dave. Big day, huh? Dave. Big day, huh? Oh, you could say that. Hello. Hello. Hello. I'm Cara. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Well, all the others are out the back. Well, all the others are out the back. Thanks. ALL: Scull! Scull! Scull! Scull! They waste no time, this lot. They waste no time, this lot. I can see that. They waste no time, this lot. I can see that. CHEERING Hey, Dave. Hey, Dave. Hi. Hey, Dave. Hi. Cara, hi. God, she's everywhere. God, she's everywhere. I'll protect you. God, she's everywhere. I'll protect you. Dave! Bobby! Oh, happy birthday! How's Otago? How's Otago? Friggin' cold. How's Otago? Friggin' cold. This is Cara. Hey. Good to meet you. Hey. Good to meet you. Happy birthday. That's her. That's the girlfriend ` the one that I text you about. You made it. You made it. Sure did, bro. Toby and Josh flew over from Sydney. Toby and Josh flew over from Sydney. Cool. Toby and Josh flew over from Sydney. Cool. Come on. Shit, you moron! The bath's kind of wedged, but I can get the workshop guys round to help. I am so sorry. If the bath hadn't been so full and with me in it... It's not you, it's the floor. It's rotten. Shit. I can shore it up, then we can get some demolition floorboards. I can shore it up, then we can get some demolition floorboards. Right. You'd prefer tiles? You'd prefer tiles? I just feel kind of useless. You'd prefer tiles? I just feel kind of useless. You're mopping up. I mean, I thought this was gonna be equal. I mean, I thought this was gonna be equal. It is. You fix things, and you have money. You fix things, and you have money. So? And if you do everything, then it's not no strings, because I'll owe you. And you'll get resentful, and this is why I got out of relationships ` the whole 'you bought me dinner so now I have to have sex with you'. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) What's funny? Just to be clear, I don't want to have sex with you. Just to be clear, I don't want to have sex with you. I know, and that's great. And there's stuff I can't do. Like, I never cook, right? You do cheese toasties. You do cheese toasties. I don't 'triss around' in the kitchen. Thank God for that. It's an adventure. We'll work it out. And let's have a drink to celebrate. Drinks. Shit, I am really really late. * PEOPLE CHATTING, SHOUTING Hi. There's been bit of an accident. Broken glass. Broken glass. Oh, here. Broken glass. Oh, here. Cool. That's very thoughtful of you. I'm sure it won't be the last. That's very thoughtful of you. I'm sure it won't be the last. No. Would you like a wine? Would you like a wine? Sure. Would you like a wine? Sure. Good. (CHUCKLES) How's Dave going? How's Dave going? Oh, he's great. Bobby's doing engineering at Otago. Bobby's doing engineering at Otago. Oh? Bobby's doing engineering at Otago. Oh? It's quite a relief. Why? Why? Oh, she went through a difficult patch, you know. Oh, she seems` Thank you. She seems very happy. Oh, she seems` Thank you. She seems very happy. Mm. She is. Is Dave still finding himself? Hm? Hm? Mark said he was quite the star of their year at uni. You're not disappointed? Why would I be? That's very understanding. I mean, you know you don't wanna be a pushy mother, but, oh, it's still had to get off the bridge sometimes, isn't it? You've done a great job with him. He's a fine young man. You're very lucky. Thanks. Are you OK? Are you OK? Yeah. Yeah, it's the milestones, you know? Anyway, it's lovely to finally meet you. You still travelling a lot? I, um, might just use your bathroom, if that's OK. Oh, sure. Sure, it's just down the hall and around the corner. Oh, sure. Sure, it's just down the hall and around the corner. Great. Just a second. > DOOR OPENS > DOOR OPENS > Oh. Hey, having fun? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you wanna do a line? Not really. Um, got kids to get home to, you know. Not really. Um, got kids to get home to, you know. I know, and it is pretty amazing. That I've got kids? That I've got kids? No, Dave in an actual relationship. He was a total mess after Yvette ditched him. You don't know about her? No. No. Love of his life and trashed him. Then all these girls were, like, 'Wow, Dave's back on the market, and he's a barman ` score!' Nice. Nice. Yeah, he didn't stay with any of them. And why are you telling me this? And why are you telling me this? Because... you've managed to do what no one else could. Right. Well, um, I'm` I'm just gonna... OK. Did you` ? CHEERING Lay-backs. Let's get into it. Lay-backs. Let's get into it. Haven't you got your speech? Lay-backs. Let's get into it. Haven't you got your speech? Oh, yeah. Just a small lay-back, then? Just a small lay-back, then? Solid thought, my man. CHEERING PHONE RINGS Oh shit. I'm sorry, I left Julia's thing. I'm sorry, I left Julia's thing. I never got there. What? What? Kind of a house crisis. Where are you? Where are you? At the 21st where the host thinks I'm Dave's mum. No way. No way. She did. No way. She did. Bullshit. You do not look that old. Though, technically, it is possible. Though, technically, it is possible. Jen, not helping. Though, technically, it is possible. Jen, not helping. Sorry. Mm. So what happened with the business guy? Mm. So what happened with the business guy? Um, uh, it was Miserable Michael. Oh wow. 10 points for trying, Julia. Oh, tell me about it. Should I get the business advice off him so you can give him the swerve? Should I get the business advice off him so you can give him the swerve? Actually, um,... Dave's gonna help. Dave? Dave? He's an accountant. (SCOFFS) No. Sorry. That is` That is just too silly. < DYLAN: Argh! Dylan? Dylan? Oh my God, Jen! Help! Cara, I have to go. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! What? I was getting changed, and I heard it under there! I was getting changed, and I heard it under there! Oh, shit. It's a monster (!) Oh my fricking God! Oh my fricking God! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm kidding. Oh my fricking God! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm kidding. Shut the door! Don't let it out. Argh! Argh! It's just a mouse. Argh! It's just a mouse. Oh my fricking God. Breathe, go to your happy place. Think of your favourite things. Breathe, go to your happy place. Think of your favourite things. I can't. You remind me of the babe. You remind me of the babe. It's just something I say to make myself feel better. It's just something I say to make myself feel better. The babe with the power. Shut up! You know Labyrinth? I can't believe you have the special edition with special booklet and Bowie pin-up. It's not something I share with men if I want them to hang around. Straight men don't get Labyrinth. It goes over their heads. Gingernut? You probably need the sugar. Gingernut? You probably need the sugar. Oh, all right. You know we probably disturbed that mouse? You know, with the bath. You know we probably disturbed that mouse? You know, with the bath. You're not feeling sorry for it? It's just where there's one, there's usually more. It's just where there's one, there's usually more. Don't. (CHUCKLES) Happy place. (CHUCKLES) Happy place. MUSIC PLAYS FROM LAPTOP INDISTINCT PARTY CHATTER I should do this, shouldn't I? I should do this, shouldn't I? Before everyone's too munted, yep. BOOING Everybody,... Everybody,... GLASS SHATTERS ...it's a real big night, eh? ...it's a real big night, eh? ALL: Yeah! Woo! So, first of all, let's hear it for the girl ` our good friend, Bobby! So, first of all, let's hear it for the girl ` our good friend, Bobby! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE She asked me if I'd say a few words cos she reckoned she'd be too smashed. LAUGHTER Me and Dave first met Bobby when she was 14. She was Mark's annoying kid sister, into Kelly Clarkson and girly shit. Was not! Was not! Were too! And then when we were at uni, Mark got sick. It wasn't a great time for anyone, but we got to be a good team ` me, Dave and Bobby. And when he got really sick, it was Bobby's idea to bust him out of the hospital. And we took him to the zoo to see the meerkats, cos they made him laugh. And then we all got our heads shaved. We lost Mark just after his 21st. Bobby, I know he'd be real proud to see you today, all grown up, still rock solid. all grown up, still rock solid. You're making me cry, you bastard. So here's to the acest girl I know! So here's to the acest girl I know! CHEERING ALL: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Bugger that. Bugger that. IRISH MUSIC PLAYS Oh, you skank! Oh, you skank! You won't beat me this time. Oh, you skank! You won't beat me this time. Shit. She did do Irish dancing. She have to be a bitch all the time? She have to be a bitch all the time? It's OK. It was a great speech. She have to be a bitch all the time? It's OK. It was a great speech. She ruined the moment. Hi. You all right? I'm so sorry about your friend. I'm so sorry about your friend. You didn't even know him. I know. I might just head off, if that's OK. I might just head off, if that's OK. I'll come with you. You're gonna pike ` again? I just don't feel like getting drunk. I just don't feel like getting drunk. Cos she's here? No. No. Is it all the exes, then? No. Is it all the exes, then? Azza. Well, there's Stacey and Cindy and Jasmine. And Kate and the other Kate. And Ella and Bella ` didn't you do them both? And Ella and Bella ` didn't you do them both? Do you have to be a total arse? What's so bad about the truth? And he's a pisshead, you know? And he's done drugs. And you might think you're gonna change him, but you won't! And you might think you're gonna change him, but you won't! Leave her alone! You've lost it, mate. You've lost it, mate. Piss off, Azza. You piss off. You piss off. (LAUGHS) BOTH GRUNT Shit. Shit. Pool party! CHEERING What are you doing? What are you doing? Just calling a cab. I said I'll go with you. I said I'll go with you. No. You can stay. I'm not a kid that needs permission to stay at a party. I'm not a kid that needs permission to stay at a party. I didn't mean it that way. Are you pissed off about what Azza said? No. And I think we've established that I'm the freak. I never got the chance to be a root rat. I'm a root rat? I'm a root rat? You're young, and that's normal. Why didn't you say it was such a big night for you? Why didn't you say it was such a big night for you? Bobby didn't want a big deal. But it is a big deal. We don't have to do everything together. We can do separate things. We don't have to do everything together. We can do separate things. But I wanted you here. And also, when we're not together, people try to break us up. Like Julia, tonight. Business expert, my arse. Maybe. Maybe. Azza, far out. But I am not going to let that happen, because I love you. You do? I do. Graham. You're never gonna believe this. David is kissing his mother. 1 DOOR OPENS > Are you OK? You don't actually care. Oh, I know you had a fight with your boyfriend. For the last bloody time, I'm not gay. I know. I know. Then why do you keep saying it? Because it annoys you. Because it annoys you. You're right. It does. But I'm sorry. No, you're not. All you ever do is wind me up` Shit. Shit. Can't hack it? (LAUGHS) Everyone's in bed. The washing's been folded. Everyone's in bed. The washing's been folded. Thank you. Goodnight. I feel like I'm in trouble. I feel like I'm in trouble. Don't worry. We both are. Oh! All quiet on the kid front? Yeah, out to it. Tell me about Mark. That's my mate from uni. Our mate. He's part of the reason I'm not an accountant any more. He's part of the reason I'm not an accountant any more. Why? You don't expect someone like him to drop dead at 21. What was it? What was it? Hodgkin's lymphoma. That's terrible. That's terrible. Yeah. And I was doing this job that I didn't even like. And then I thought I could drop dead at any minute, and I would never have done anything except fill in tax returns and kill my pot plant. You killed it? You killed it? It was half-dead when I got there. I love you too. Even if you are an accountant. Ex-accountant. Ex-accountant. It's out now. You can't take it back. Oh! Oh! Oh, shit. Sorry, Susan. Aaron, really?! Hey. How'd you sleep? Fantastic, and you don't snore. Fantastic, and you don't snore. I always thought I didn't. That is such a relief. I was thinking ` we'll need to call the exterminator. I was thinking ` we'll need to call the exterminator. On a Sunday? Well, I will need to get some clothes at some point. Well, I will need to get some clothes at some point. I'll take care of it. How? How? Whack it with a broom. How? Whack it with a broom. That's animal cruelty. You'd rather poison or a trap? Though I might need those as well. I'll dispose of the bodies. You are so my hero. You are so my hero. And you are mine. Mouse killer. Mouse killer. Reno guy. And the Labyrinth special edition? This really is the perfect relationship. Isn't it? OK, the thing with pancakes is you have to forget the one cup of flour rule. That's how Gran does it. And I'm sure they're delicious. And I'm sure they're delicious. No, please. Do go on. And I'm sure they're delicious. No, please. Do go on. DOOR SHUTS > There's someone here to see you. Hi. Do you want some pancakes? Do you want some pancakes? No. Do you want some pancakes? No. He doesn't look very well. Why'd you bail on me, Dave? Why'd you bail on me, Dave? You know why. Cos she couldn't hack it? Cos she couldn't hack it? Is this someone from your work function? No, it was something else. Bobby's 21st. Our friend's 21st, and you buggered off! And I slept with Betty. You slept with Betty? You hate her. A weak moment, and now she'll use it against me 100 different ways. A weak moment, and now she'll use it against me 100 different ways. I'm sorry. I don't even think you mean that. You've changed, man. This isn't Cara's fault. I know. It's you, and you don't give a shit, and it's not the same. So you can do your own grocery shopping. Get your own beer. So you can do your own grocery shopping. Get your own beer. I always get my own beer. I think we've had enough raised voices and swearing in front of the children, don't you? It's OK. I'm going. I just came to tell him that it's over. Azza! I'm sorry I smacked you, OK? And I'm sorry about Betty, but we are mates` Not any more. We're not friends any more? How mature's that? We're not friends any more? How mature's that? Piss off, Dave. Bullshit. Did you call the cops on me? Bullshit. Did you call the cops on me? No. Did she? Did she? No. Azza! Is this your daughter, sir? Is this your daughter, sir? Ew, as if. Is this your daughter, sir? Ew, as if. Jasmine? You were picked up by the police walking home at 1 in the morning? I wasn't doing anything. I went to a party with Liam. I wasn't doing anything. I went to a party with Liam. Liam? From the bar. Go on, Jasmine. Well, I was walking home, and the police stopped me, and they were rude, so I decided not to talk to them, so they kept me at the police station. so I decided not to talk to them, so they kept me at the police station. But you were in bed. I checked! She put pillows in and snuck out the window. She put pillows in and snuck out the window. Shut up! That's enough! Did you do anything else apart from going to a party? Like what? Like what? She means drink, drugs and sex. No! And you are out all the time, so why can't I? Because I am an adult, Jasmine, and you're only 13 years old! This is what you get when they're unsettled. Always ends in tears. Captions by Brittany Stewart. Edited by Desney Shaw. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018 # Everybody wants to shoot your face in the moonlight. # # The flash may blind your eyes tonight. #