I don't wanna live with you. I don't wanna live with you. I don't wanna live with you. I like Cara's kids now that they're older. Totes. Ah! That's classic sexual harassment. (GASPS) What is this?! LADI6'S 'DIAMONDS' # Feeling like I just got paid. # I earned $100 worth of gas vouchers today # working as a government slave. # When money gets a little bit tight, # we hold on to what we know and never lose sight of the little things. # It's the little things that make it all worthwhile. # Hey, you doing anything after work today? Why? Why? I just thought we'd go for a drink. I think I can make that happen. I think I can make that happen. Great. Just my mum's in town. She's keen to meet you. Ho-Hold on. What? Your mother... Your mother... Yeah. ...wants to meet me? ...wants to meet me? Yeah. No big deal. ...wants to meet me? Yeah. No big deal. No, no, no, no, no. Big deal. CAR HORNS HONK Only if you let it be. Only if you let it be. You can't just casually throw something like that in there when I'm sitting on the back of the bike. when I'm sitting on the back of the bike. It'll be cool. Don't worry. HORN BLARES, TYRES SCREECH # I'm gonna kill you. # (GASPS) If we'd gone when the light turned green, we would have been in the way when it drove through. So, he just dropped it in without any warning? His mother wants to meet you. Uh, the important thing here is we could have been killed. This is Auckland, Cara. An orange light means drive faster, and a red is just a late orange. The mother thing is the big news. Not my near-death experience? Not my near-death experience? Hey, you're the one that gets on the back of that scooter. Do we know anything about his mother? Oh my God. Oh my God. What do you know? Oh my God. What do you know? I haven't got a will. That is really slack. Even I have a will. Just sort of slipped off the radar. I need a solicitor. No, you don't. You can do wills online. I did mine online. No, you don't. You can do wills online. I did mine online. Really? Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. How'd the big day go? Unsure. Unsure. How do you mean? I thought it was you or her. Let's just say there was good and there was bad. As you are both aware, this has been a trial period. There's only one job, but there are two of you. Which makes it surprising that instead of showing us your worth, the two of you chose to spend your time dicking around, playing your stupid 'I hate you, but no, I really want you' games, and then` and then getting it on in the photocopy room! So,... who did get the job? who did get the job? Go away. Bummer. Hardly surprising, looking back on it, though. Nah, not really. So, the good is that, with work out the way, you and Betty are free to hook into it? Yeah, not so sure about that. Hey. I'm really sorry. You want to call it bygones being bygones? Go back to my place? You want to call it bygones being bygones? Go back to my place? Tempting. Or I could go back to the place I share with my grandmother above her laundromat ` the one slowly going out of business since Granddad died ` to tell her I got fired and the money isn't there any more. Actually, that sounds way better than going back to your place. Actually, that sounds way better than going back to your place. Making that up to make me feel bad. Also a bummer. Are you sure she lives above a laundromat? Also a bummer. Are you sure she lives above a laundromat? I have no idea. I need to regroup. I need to regroup. You mean get drunk? I need to regroup. You mean get drunk? That too. Care to join me? Can't. Got the Mum-Cara thing. Can't. Got the Mum-Cara thing. Oh, right. Mm. Your mum. Your mum. Don't go there. The best fun bit is deciding who gets what ` who you reward with treasure, and who you punish by giving them something you know they'll hate but they'll have to keep out of guilt. I left you my collection of erotica. Is that treasure or punishment? Is that treasure or punishment? Treasure. Being the most sexually active person I know, I thought you could put it to good use. What are you gonna leave me? I have no idea. I'll probably just leave everything to the kids, and then they can decide what to give you. Fair enough. But who are you gonna leave the kids to until they're legally old enough to decide what to give me? until they're legally old enough to decide what to give me? That's a really good question. I suppose Stewie will get first dibs. I suppose Stewie will get first dibs. No, never gonna happen. Marion, I guess. Marion, I guess. Every kid's dream to be raised by a grandparent (!) True. True. Don't you think you should find someone, you know, closer to your age, and therefore their age? Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. True. Is there something wrong with you? Is there something wrong with you? I'm making a will, that's all. You haven't got a will? You haven't got a will? No, which is why I'm making one. Uh, won't Stewie want the kids? Uh, won't Stewie want the kids? It's what I want that we're talking about here. So? Cara wants to leave us the kids in her will. No, not leave them to you. Just be their guardians until they're old enough. What about Mum and Dad? They had a hard enough time raising us without putting them through it again. Besides, I don't think the kids would take to Morrinsville. Mm. Mm. WHISPERS: What about your brother? Mm. WHISPERS: What about your brother? What about Rhys? They have three kids already, and two of them bully Logan. Wasn't that just boys being boys? Wasn't that just boys being boys? You know the kids so well ` that's why I'm asking. You can say no if you want to. You can say no if you want to. I'm not saying no. Well, you're not saying yes. Well, you're not saying yes. Phillip and I will need to talk about it. Can we call you back? I have to do a thing now, so, um... I have to do a thing now, so, um... What thing? Call me tomorrow. Call me tomorrow. Fine. Sure, tomorrow. Bye. Bye. So, three kids, eh? What's that meant to mean? What's that meant to mean? Nothing. Just never thought of us with three kids. They're hardly kids, Phillip. They're almost fully grown. So you're gonna say yes? So you're gonna say yes? What? No, I never said that. You should. You'd make a great mother. You would be the one giving up your job to look after them, you know. Tonight, hey, I will wait on you personally. Uh, you don't have to. Uh, you don't have to. Oh, I want to. Uh, you don't have to. Oh, I want to. I don't want you to. Hi. Oh, you look beautiful. Hi. Oh, you look beautiful. I don't feel beautiful, and I'm still not happy. I figured the 'spring it on you' approach was better than the 'early warning, when you'd have time to get worked up' approach. 'early warning, when you'd have time to get worked up' approach. Bless you. But I'm still not happy. Where you going? Where you going? Powder my nose. Cara. Cara. Wait! Oh, I'm definitely on your table tonight. I know you. Tara. Tara. Cara. Tara. Cara. Yeah. Sorry. (GASPS) Natalie? (GASPS) Natalie? Yeah. Oh my God. I haven't seen you since... ...school. ...school. Yeah. ...school. Yeah. And my ignominious departure. I wouldn't call it that. I wouldn't call it that. I would. I wouldn't call it that. I would. (CHUCKLES) See much of Warren these days? See much of Warren these days? Oh, not for a while. I mean, I saw him last week, when I flew out. We're married ` have been for over 20 years now. Oh my God. Wow. (CHUCKLES) Good on ya. (CHUCKLES) Good on ya. Ta. Yeah, you never know when and how you'll meet your true love, eh? Oh, tell me about it. Oh, tell me about it. How about you? Oh, tell me about it. How about you? Three kids ` 16, 13 and 7. No husband; divorced. Oh, sorry to hear that. Oh, sorry to hear that. I'm well over it. So you said you flew out? Warren and I live in Kangar. Warren and I live in Kangar. OK, you got me. That's northern Malaysia. Warren builds wind farms. That's northern Malaysia. Warren builds wind farms. Oh, go, Warren. Cara, meet David, my son, and the reason my education got cut short. This is Cara. We were at school together. Mum, you know how I brought you here to meet someone? Mum, you know how I brought you here to meet someone? Your mysterious girlfriend. WHISPERS: No. WHISPERS: No. Mum, this is Cara. Cara, meet my mother. (CHUCKLES) So, you fell out of the bathroom window into David's arms? Something along those lines. Something along those lines. Very romantic. Something along those lines. Very romantic. Sort of. (CHUCKLES) And that would be the bathroom where we just met? Well, met this time, because, strictly speaking, we met at school. Yes. Yes. You were what? A year behind me? Two. Two. Two whole years. I was in fifth form when you were in seventh form. You and your friends kicked us out of our smoking place behind the boiler room. behind the boiler room. It was our smoking place. We found it first. I didn't know you smoked. I didn't know you smoked. I gave up in my seventh form. I didn't know you smoked. I gave up in my seventh form. Oh. You never told me you left school because of me. You said you and Dad got together when you were really young. We did. We did. You never said it was that young. And everyone's learning something new tonight, aren't we? Thank God I haven't given up drinking. Thank God I haven't given up drinking. (CHUCKLES) Another, Cara? Another, Cara? Yes, please. I imagined a lot of ways this could have gone wrong. This was none of them. You never told me anything about your parents. I kind of meant to, but the subject never came up. You never told me anything about your parents. Except they're called Raylene and Clive, they own a petrol station in Morrinsville and they don't like Aucklanders. and they don't like Aucklanders. And, meanwhile, your mother is Knocked-Up Natalie. What? What? That's what we used to call her. WHISPERS: That's not very nice. WHISPERS: That's not very nice. Everyone used to call her that, because... because, before she left, she started to show. I first met you when you were a little bump. Oh. So, you ended up with Stewie Gray? Hmm. Married him, had his children, didn't end up with him. Obviously. (CHUCKLES) Obviously. (CHUCKLES) Obviously. We lived in London for a few years, but then left. I snogged your dad at a first 15 party. As long as you're sure you're happy. No, it was the other Warren. They look like sisters. All I want is you to be happy. We went to school together. > Sisters. Solo mum, three kids, your own business ` I really admire you. Yeah, well, you just keep moving forward best way you can. Yeah, well, you just keep moving forward best way you can. You do, don't you? CELL PHONE RINGS CELL PHONE RINGS Excuse me. BEEP! BEEP! Marion? BEEP! Marion? Bit of a problem. What? Oscar's mum says they can't have Logan at their place tomorrow, because a family member died. I love teacher-only days (!) (CHUCKLES) Sorry to interrupt your night out, but I thought it was important. We have an actual busy day tomorrow. Can you look after him? Day trip to Tirau with Lucy. (CHUCKLES) For the antiques. Day trip to Tirau with Lucy. (CHUCKLES) For the antiques. Fine. I'll, um, sort something out. CELL PHONE RINGS CELL PHONE RINGS Mmm. CELL PHONE RINGS Mmm. Ignore it. You know I'm pathologically incapable of that. Hello? Hello? It's me. Sorry if I'm interrupting. No, we were just watching a film. What's up? No, we were just watching a film. What's up? I have a child-care crisis. Isn't that your entire life? Isn't that your entire life? Any chance you can take the day off? Look after Logan tomorrow? Hello? Hello? Is this a test? What?! What?! To see if we qualify as guardians. What?! To see if we qualify as guardians. No. No test. A trial, then? To see if Logan likes us? No, the kids don't know about all that yet. I'll get to them when I have options. Oh, so we're an option, are we? I thought we were first choice. I thought we were first choice. Oh, hold on. Cara wants us to mind Logan tomorrow. Well, tell her yeah. It'll be good practice for when she's dead. And you can hang up, and we can go back to having sex. Crikey! Phillip knows I can hear everything he's saying, doesn't he? Phillip knows I can hear everything he's saying, doesn't he? Phillip, shut up. She can hear you. Don't care. Don't care. Ooh. OK, fine. Yes, whatever. Yes, whatever. Are you talking to me or Phillip? Yes, whatever. Are you talking to me or Phillip? You. Yes, I'll do it. (GASPS) Oh, goodness. Thank you. Everything OK? Everything OK? Yeah, yeah. All sorted. Child-care issues. (CHUCKLES) I so remember those days, and I only had the one. Yeah, well, one is all it takes some days. (CHUCKLES) Anything I can do? Anything I can do? No, all sorted. Uh, but I should probably get home anyway and inform all the parties concerned about the change of plans. and inform all the parties concerned about the change of plans. Do you want me to come with you? You should stay here and spend some time with your mother. Right, I'll talk to you later. Right, I'll talk to you later. OK. See you soon. It was... lovely to meet you again. It was... lovely. Nightmare. She's very nice. She's very nice. Yes, Mum. She is. You be good for Auntie Julia, OK? Hey, thanks for this. Hey, thanks for this. Sure. It's fine. WHISPERS: Bye. So,... what do you want to do today? How about coffee, shoe shopping and the art gallery? You know, quality time. I can't drink coffee. I can't drink coffee. Hot chocolate, then. I can't drink coffee. Hot chocolate, then. And I have all the shoes I need. You never have all the shoes you need. I'll see you guys later. Have a good day. I'll see you guys later. Have a good day. (CHUCKLES) Where are you going? Surfing with a client. I told you. Surfing with a client. I told you. If you're not working, help me. It is work while surfing. I don't need an office all the time. It is work while surfing. I don't need an office all the time. Can I go surfing? BOTH: No. BOTH: No. I've told everyone I'm working from home. I've told everyone I was surfing with a client. You two have fun, OK? Is it a lie to say you're working at home when you're not? There are many different types of work, sweetie. You drive faster than Mum. You drive faster than Mum. No, I don't. It's a much better car, so it seems faster. CELL PHONE RINGS CELL PHONE RINGS A car and a phone ` cool. CELL PHONE RINGS A car and a phone ` cool. Yes, it is. Hello? Julia? Julia? Hi, Helen. I know you're working at home, but Englebrecht wants to go over the thing again. It hasn't changed since yesterday. Well, I told him that, but he wants to be walked through it again. Any chance you can come in? Sure. Yep, not a problem. Sure. Yep, not a problem. But what about our quality time? Who's that? Who's that? Uh, that is my nephew, Logan. Hello! Hello! Hello. Julia, you didn't tell me you had a family. Doesn't everyone have family? Doesn't everyone have family? Is he the reason you're working at home? Well, my sister... (SIGHS) was in a bind, and I promised I'd help. (SIGHS) Hello? Hello? Sorry, just getting my head around all this. I'll tell Englebrecht what he wants to discuss can wait till tomorrow. You carry on. Are you sure? Yes, you're having quality time. That's the most important thing there is. I'll see you tomorrow. Holy sh... Did you get what just happened? Did you get what just happened? No. I just got my first-ever kiddie pass. So, we'll see you next time. So, we'll see you next time. Thanks. So, we'll see you next time. Thanks. Come this way. Genius. Genius. Stop it. Genius. Stop it. Stop what? Grinning and smiling and judging me. Grinning and smiling and judging me. I am not. Well, maybe a little. You went to school and smoked sneaky cigarettes with your mother-in-law. Too good. I have a mother-in-law already, OK? I have a mother-in-law already, OK? Potential future mother-in-law. I have a mother-in-law already, OK? Potential future mother-in-law. And you can stop that too. You know what this is like? It's like if, in 15 years, I start dating Logan. No, because your maths is way out. In 15 years, you will be way older than I am now. OK, in five years, then. OK, in five years, then. Ew. That's a bit soon and creepy, but you know what I mean in principle. Never gonna happen. And, also, Dave is not a little boy. He's his own man. He knows what he wants. I don't know. What do you think? Try them both on. Try them both on. (SCOFFS) Mum, you don't have to buy me clothes every time you visit. But I want to. Besides, if I didn't buy you clothes, you'd have terrible clothes. What about this one? Nah. Actually,... yeah, I like that. Haven't really told me what you think of Cara. Haven't really told me what you think of Cara. I think she's a... lovely woman. What do you really mean when you say 'woman'? Well, she's not exactly a girl, is she? Well, she's not exactly a girl, is she? Is that a problem for you? It's not a problem for me if it's not a problem for you. It's not a problem for me if it's not a problem for you. Lucky it's not a problem for me. < Now it's not. I'm just looking down the track, that's all. When you're, say, 40, how old will Cara be then? (SCOFFS) I'm sure you've already figured it out. (SCOFFS) Mind you, what do I know? She might turn out to be a stunner in her 50s. And if you're having fun doing the whole Mrs Robinson thing, then good on you. I'm not gonna marry her. Oh, you mean the film. Right. Right. Not in an unkind way. Right. Not in an unkind way. The film I've never seen. Ask Cara. She's probably seen it. No, on second thought, don't ask Cara. It's probably a sore point with her. How's that shirt? So, you see, Logan, the office is full of women who are forever taking advantage of their kids to get days off work. Thank you. And no one ever questions them. All they have to do is ring up, quote the name of their kid, and Bob's your uncle. 'It's not a worry. Take all the time you need.' (CHUCKLES) 'It's not a worry. Take all the time you need.' (CHUCKLES) I thought Uncle Phil was my uncle. It's an expression. A teaspoon would be good. A teaspoon would be good. I'll get one. Can I please have a teaspoon? Can I please have a teaspoon? Sure. Can I please have a teaspoon? Sure. Excellent. Davy. Davy. Hey, Devon. Davy. Hey, Devon. Long time no see. What up? Not much. Shopping. Not much. Shopping. She paying for you? Not much. Shopping. She paying for you? Yeah. I heard you bagged yourself a cougar. Score. I heard you bagged yourself a cougar. Score. That's my mother, you douchebag. Really? Just walk away. Just walk away. Righto. OK. Sounds good. Uh, we'll, uh, see you round. (SCOFFS) Dickwad. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) I buy, you carry. (SIGHS) I buy, you carry. Always been the way it works. It isn't us, you know? The film or the song. What are you on about? What are you on about? The Graduate. I'm not some naive young idiot. She's not some predator who seduced me. She's not some predator who seduced me. You hadn't seen the film. Read about it on Wiki. I know what you think ` it's getting something out of my system, or something. But the truth is I think I love Cara. Oh, you think you love her, do you? Oh, you think you love her, do you? I do love her. And have you thought about that? You thought all the way through what that means? What about kids? She has kids. You know that. She has kids. You know that. Your kids. Normally I'd be saying there's no rush; that I am too young to be a grandmother. But if you love her and you want kids of your own, then you'd better get busy, because her clock is a-ticking. I don't care. I don't care. Good. You're giving up a lot, but if that's what your heart says. I'm not giving up anything. I don't even know if I want kids of my own. I'm not giving up anything. I don't even know if I want kids of my own. I meant your life. The things you used to tell me about ` you and Azza doing your OE. And freedom. You give up a lot of freedom when you fall in love, especially when it comes with three kids. You think I don't know that? You think I don't know that? I'm sure you know it all too well, because you're my boy, and my boy is smart. I don't wanna live with you. CHILDREN LAUGH, SHOUT (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Don't tell me you've managed to misplace him. Quite the opposite. This is a breeze. How was your surf meeting? Awful. Dead as. Awful. Dead as. The waves or the client? Awful. Dead as. The waves or the client? Ha ha. What you guys up to? At the park. How come no one ever told me how useful kids are? In what way? In what way? Loads of ways. And self-sufficient too. Cara's always banging on about what a pain they are. But we've been here, like, two minutes, and Logan's already made friends with a complete stranger. OK, you know that's a bad thing, right? OK, you know that's a bad thing, right? Not that kind of stranger. Little girl kind of stranger. Little girl kind of stranger. GIRL CRIES Little girl kind of stranger. GIRL CRIES He's quite the Romeo, is our L` WOMAN: Abbey! WOMAN: Abbey! Oh, crap. (SOBS) (SOBS) Abbey, you all right, darling? (SOBS) Abbey, you all right, darling? Shit. Julia? Why on earth would you do that? You can't go around pushing little girls over. It's Abbey from school. She said mean things. Logan, people are gonna say mean things about you your whole life. Logan, people are gonna say mean things about you your whole life. Not about me ` about you. Me? Me? She said you had a mean, ugly face. (CHUCKLES) That little... You were defending me? You were defending me? You're my auntie, and Abbey was saying bad things about you. Well, it's still not the right thing to do. Now, get in the car, and we might have a treat when we get home. Well, have you wondered if maybe there's more to all this? Well, have you wondered if maybe there's more to all this? I lost my job and the girl. I don't think I can handle any more. I don't think I can handle any more. No, as in maybe you weren't destined to have either the job or the girl; that maybe there's something better waiting for you out there. I can see that. Out there. You still big on that destiny crap? You still big on that destiny crap? Destiny is how I ended up with you. You still big on that destiny crap? Destiny is how I ended up with you. No, that was bad contraception. Not at all. There was contraception up the wazoo, so to speak, but you snuck through. The little sperm that could. The little sperm that could. Just... don't. And you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Destiny. Well, of course you're gonna say that now. I bet you weren't so stoked at the time. Your nana wanted me to have an abortion. I told her that if destiny wanted me to be pregnant, then so be it. I told her that if destiny wanted me to be pregnant, then so be it. OK. What if destiny is telling me that Cara's the one for me? Then so be it, if that's what you truly believe. Then so be it, if that's what you truly believe. Why shouldn't I? Because you're at a point in your life where many other possible lives stretch out before you. Be sure of the one you choose. Be sure of the one you choose. Won't destiny choose for me? Well, this time last year, it was taking you and Azza off to Europe to do your OE. True. We still have the OE bucket. True. We still have the OE bucket. You raided it for beer. Money can be replaced. Money can be replaced. How? You haven't got a job. There are other ways ` destiny. And now you think you're in love with a woman my age with three kids. Sometimes destiny does some messed-up shit. Sometimes destiny does some messed-up shit. I wanna meet Cara's children. Why? Why? She's met mine. How about dinner tonight? How about dinner tonight? I'm game. You need to ask Cara. Is your bathroom habitable? Sort of. Did Nana really want me aborted? Did Nana really want me aborted? Oh, don't worry. She's very fond of you now. What? All of them? Yeah, she wants to meet the whole family. This is a good thing, I reckon. Do you? Do you? It's a sign that she's getting her head around the idea of us. So is it OK if I bring her around to your place for dinner? Hello? Hello? Anything she doesn't eat? Nah, she's good with pretty much everything. Nah, she's good with pretty much everything. I'll see you at dinner, then. You're the best. You're the best. Mm. BEEP! BEEP! She wants to meet the kids. If you have a full complement ` like if your sister hasn't sold Logan off into slavery or lost him. He attacked a little girl? Not attacked ` leapt to my defence. Pretty fine line. Pretty fine line. But an important one. I think he likes me. Hmm, that would come in handy for a guardian. Hmm, that would come in handy for a guardian. Exactly. Auntie Julia? Auntie Julia? Yes, honey? Auntie Julia? Yes, honey? Those chocolates made me feel funny. What do you mean, funny? Oh my God. Are you OK? Clearly he's not, Julia. What chocolates did you give him? Clearly he's not, Julia. What chocolates did you give him? The only ones we had in the pantry. I feel weird. I feel weird. Bathroom. (GROANS) (GROANS) Come with me. Hold on. Here we go. Ah... (COUGHS) (COUGHS) Julia? (COUGHS) Julia? What? Quick word, please? Quick word, please? (SIGHS) Perhaps he's allergic. She could have warned us. I gave him a hot chocolate in the cafe. He's drunk. What? What? Suffering the effects of alcohol. These are liqueur chocolates. They're not actual liqueurs. They're not actual liqueurs. Mm-hm. They are? Oh, I thought they were just liqueur-flavoured. Nope, you just gave our nephew a whole bunch of jelly shots. CELL PHONE RINGS CELL PHONE RINGS Oh shit. Hello? Hello? Are Julia and Logan home yet? Hello? Are Julia and Logan home yet? Uh, pretty much. Pretty much? Pretty much? They are. Yeah, yeah. I need to come around and grab him. I need to come around and grab him. Grab him? I need to come around and grab him. Grab him? Is that a problem? Julia? It's Cara. She's wondering if it'd be a problem if she came and collected Logan now. WHISPERS: Take it. WHISPERS: Take it. WHISPERS: You take it. WHISPERS: Take it. WHISPERS: You take it. WHISPERS: Answer it. Yes, it would be a problem, because we have had such a great day that Logan has just announced that he wants to stay the night. And I said yes. And I-I don't want to disappoint him. And I said yes. And I-I don't want to disappoint him. Oh. (CHUCKLES) OK. (CHUCKLES) It's practice for when we're his guardians. If. If. Whatever. OK, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye. We need to sober him up. Coffee! We need to sober him up. Coffee! He's 7. This isn't my fault. This little bugger promised me he'd only eat two. Best behaviour, do you hear? No fighting, no anything except best behaviour. Does she hate you? Is that why you're so uptight? Does she hate you? Is that why you're so uptight? Bound to be. (SCOFFS) She doesn't hate me, and I'm not uptight. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you are. Totally clenched. Are you sure you want to wear that hat? Are you sure you want to wear that hat? Very sure. Best behaviour ` is that too much to ask? I don't wanna live with you. I didn't know you wanted kids. Not my kids. Not yet. But someone else's kids ` especially ones past the whole nappy, poo-y stage ` would be awesome. Cara's kids. Cara's kids. But she doesn't see me as a serious contender. When she looks at me, all she sees is someone who can't take kids seriously. Fun friend. Fun friend. Exactly. You so get it. If you want a good time, call Jen. If you want someone to raise your kids, call stingy Julia and try-hard Phillip. God, if they'd been my parents, I'd have even more of a drinking problem. (CHUCKLES) You don't have a drinking problem. You drink because you can. That's not a problem. And you'd be the most fun mum ever ` especially to kids that weren't yours. Hell, yeah. I'll drink to that. My, we are in the suburbs, aren't we? My, we are in the suburbs, aren't we? OK, this is the thing, Mum. You need to promise you'll play nice. You need to promise you'll play nice. Nice? I'm very rarely not nice. Promise. Promise. I promise, and you don't need to worry. I like Cara. We've got history. We've got history. Mm. Very pleased to meet you, uh, Jasmine and Scarlett. Are you younger than Mum? Are you younger than Mum? No. Are you younger than Mum? No. You look younger. (CHUCKLES) I'm actually two years older. Two years? Two years? Yes. Two years? Yes. Wow. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Here we are. Bless you. Bless you. Thank you, darling. Bless you. Thank you, darling. ALL: Cheers. Mum used to smoke? Well, it was different back then. When we were young, it was cool; the thing to do. And I gave up... (CHUCKLES) very very soon after that. As did I, when I got pregnant with Dave. I'll get the mains ready. (CHUCKLES) I'll get the mains ready. (CHUCKLES) Do you need a hand? I'll get the mains ready. (CHUCKLES) Do you need a hand? No, I'm fine, thank you. So, what was Mum really like at school? Was she a nerd? So, what was Mum really like at school? Was she a nerd? No. Was she a ho? Was she a ho? Back then? No, not at all. They're quite cute, children, when they're asleep. They're quite cute, children, when they're asleep. (CHUCKLES) And not throwing up. Think you caused him any lasting brain damage? I'm relatively sure the young mind produces more brain cells each day than some chocolates could destroy. Relatively sure? As a potential future guardian, you need to be more sure than that. It's parenting, Phillip. It's not a precise science. Should we put him in the recovery position, just in case? Should we put him in the recovery position, just in case? See? You're on to it. So, you pretend to be princesses, that kind of thing? It's not pretend. We recently recreated the Battle of Agincourt in Rocket Park. Lovely. Lovely. It was really authentic, even though we only had 19 people. CELL PHONE RINGS CELL PHONE RINGS (GASPS) I have a video, if you're interested. Yeah, the whole family really enjoyed it. It's only, like, four hours long. Hello? Hello? I wasn't gonna call you. Dylan said I should. What? I can hardly hear you. What? I can hardly hear you. He said it was unhealthy keeping it in. Keeping what in? Keeping what in? My resentment at not being taken seriously as a guardian candidate. For my kids? For my kids? I would be a way better guardian than your sister. I can be responsible too. I can be responsible too. You're calling me from a bar. I can be responsible too. You're calling me from a bar. That has nothing to do with it. If I was your kids' guardian, I wouldn't be at a bar. And you wouldn't be calling me, because I would be dead. And you wouldn't be calling me, because I would be dead. And I don't want that. But I want you to know that if you weren't there for them, I would be there for them 100%. I want your kids. Not yours. Hers. Although yours would be` Sorry, are you still talking to me? Sorry, are you still talking to me? Yes, I'm talking to you. And the barman. But mainly you. I want to be considered, Cara. I want to be considered, Cara. Jen, I have considered you. You have? You have? Yes, you were my first consideration. Then why did you call Julia? Then why did you call Julia? Because you're single. You don't need kids right now. I'd have yours, but only if you were dead. OK, look, I gotta go back to the world's most awkward dinner, OK? I'll remind you of this conversation in the morning. She did consider me. But she won't now, because I phoned her from a bar. I am such an idiot. What's wrong? What's wrong? Alec ` my ex. Oh. Oh. Shit. Oh. Shit. Chill. I know exactly what to do. The key is to make him think you're having a way better life than you did with him. I'm not. I'm not. Dylan, darling, I am the expert of running into the ex. Stick with me. Hey, hello! Two Screaming Orgasms right here. ROCK MUSIC Well, that was lovely. Thank you. Well, that was lovely. Thank you. Was it? Yes, it was. Why? Yes, it was. Why? Wasn't it, I don't know, weird? (CHUCKLES) There is a degree of awkward, yes. I'm with your son. You haven't told me in actual words how you feel about that. I feel... If he is happy, then I am happy for him. If he is happy, then I am happy for him. I'm happy as. Then we are good. Are we? (CHUCKLES) Because I remember you used to say you were good when, all along, you wanted to scratch Caroline Hapwell's eyes out. Deeper Shade of Blue. I'd forgotten you danced with us for a while. You danced? You danced? Oh yeah. SCARLETT: You're kidding. SCARLETT: You're kidding. Junior member of Deeper Shade of Blue for a while. But do you remember the song? But do you remember the song? I have the song. Do you remember the dance? Please, God, no. A warning ` we might be a bit rusty. It's been a few years. It's been a few years. JENNY MORRIS' 'SHE HAS TO BE LOVED' PLAYS # Once, once in a while, # you're gonna find her # waiting for some recognition. It's her transition to recognition. # She has to be loved. She wants to be needed. # Don't want to be hated. Just loves to be wanted. # She got to be loved. # She got to be loved. Got to be loved. # She got to be loved. # She got to be loved. Got to be loved. # You are my favourite person in this entire bar. OK, second-favourite person, if that cheers you up. We should go somewhere else. We should go somewhere else. No, if you leave, he wins. Do you want him to win? No. No. Exactly. Now man up and drink. Mm. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Don't you dare run. Remember, you are having a much better life without him. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Hey, Alec. What? You straight now? It can happen. It can happen. Uh-huh. This is Jen. We live together. We bought property and everything. This is Jen. We live together. We bought property and everything. Really? Yeah. You should come to our house-warming, Alec. Bring your friends. Yeah, believe it. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, believe it. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, miracles do happen, huh? Look forward to your invite. Look forward to you being there. That was amazing. What was? What was? The look on his face just then. What was? The look on his face just then. Oh, yeah. You really showed him. Who knew being straight could be such fun? Who knew being straight could be such fun? I know. Crazy, eh? We need more drinks. So, you sure you don't want a lift? So, you sure you don't want a lift? No, Mum. I'm staying here tonight with my girlfriend. Not judging; just offering. Thank you for a lovely dinner. Thank you for a lovely dinner. Not a problem at all. Look at you two ` like a real couple. Well,... (CHUCKLES) we hope so. Well,... (CHUCKLES) we hope so. I see it now. Go, destiny. HORN TOOTS HORN TOOTS And there's mine. Go, destiny. (CHUCKLES) Go, destiny. (CHUCKLES) Bye-bye, darling. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) What was that all about? That, I think, was a blessing. Hallelujah. POIGNANT MUSIC What have you done to my son? What do you mean? What do you mean? Usually it's hard enough to get a piece of toast in him for breakfast. It's cos my tummy's empty. It's cos my tummy's empty. And my pancakes are legendary. It's cos my tummy's empty. And my pancakes are legendary. Ah. So, what did you do yesterday? Oh, we had a busy, busy day. All sorts of things. The park. Yep, we went to the park. I like the park. Will I be allowed to go there again? Why wouldn't you be? Why wouldn't you be? Of course you'll be allowed to go back. Absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be. He was a dream, really. He can come back any time. Cool, but I don't want those funny chocolates again. What funny chocolates? What funny chocolates? The one with the funny stuff inside that made me chuck up. Logan ate some chocolates that disagreed with him. Uncle Phillip said I was drunk. You can't get get drunk off chocolates ` only wine, like you, Mum. OK, Logan, we agreed not to talk about the chocolate incident. Oh, yeah. Does this mean I have to give the $5 back? You gave my son liqueur chocolates? You gave my son liqueur chocolates? To be fair, I didn't say he could eat the whole lot. CHILDREN LAUGH, SHOUT CELL PHONE RINGS Mm. CELL PHONE RINGS CELL PHONE RINGS Mm. CELL PHONE RINGS Mm. BEEP! Hello? Hello? Congratulations. What for? What for? If I cark it, you got the job. GROANS: Oh. GROANS: Oh. Hello? Can you not cark it today? I have the hangover from hell. OK, not reassuring me I've made the right decision. OK, not reassuring me I've made the right decision. Like you've never had a hangover. Fair call. But, if I promise not to kick the bucket today, do you want the job? (SIGHS) Sure. I'm honoured ` sort of. sort of. And I'm sorry I didn't ask you first. How did Julia screw it up? One mistake, one rookie mistake, and she dismisses us. How is that fair? That depends. That depends. On what? On how badly you actually wanted the gig, or whether you talked yourself into wanting it so no one else would get it. so no one else would get it. That's a terrible thing to say. Do you want kids? We've talked about this, Phillip. We've talked about this, Phillip. Someone else's kids, here, with us, stopping us from doing whatever we want, whenever we want, like this? like this? What are you doing? like this? What are you doing? Do you want them walking in on this? It would be quite confronting for them. Well, imagine how confronted they'll be in about 10 minutes. Kids ` overrated. (CHUCKLES) How'd the big dinner go? How'd the big dinner go? It wasn't the Stacy's Mom video, with Mum as Rachel Hunter walking out of the pool taking her top off, if that's what you're thinking. Pity. What you doing? What you doing? Embracing destiny. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. This turned up this morning, addressed to me. Credit card, inviting me to apply. To which I'm saying, 'Yes, please.' Credit card, inviting me to apply. To which I'm saying, 'Yes, please.' But you don't have a job. They clearly don't know that. They clearly don't know that. This cannot end well. This, my friend, can and will end up financing our way out of here. It's the ticket to our OE. The thing about credit cards, Azza, is that they need to be paid off, and there's all that interest. We can worry about that when we're in Europe, earning big bucks. I get fired; this turns up the next day ` destiny in motion, mate. Hi. Were you waiting for me? Were you waiting for me? I'm flying out early tomorrow, so I thought we could have a quick chat. Logan, you go inside. Logan, you go inside. OK. Your youngest? Your youngest? Yeah. Reminds me a bit of Dave at that age. What did you want to chat about? I just want you to know I don't have a problem with you as a person. I like you. But I do have a problem with my son giving up his life for you. Who says that's what he's doing? Who says that's what he's doing? What about his future, Cara? Marriage? Children of his own? We haven't discussed that just yet. We haven't discussed that just yet. It's not the only issue. David's convinced himself that he's in love with you. He has no idea what love is ` not before he's had a chance to live; to find out what this world can offer him. So I'm asking you to do the right thing. Let him go. Let him see things and try things an-and make mistakes and be triumphant... (INHALES) before... (EXHALES) before this. He's 24, Cara. So that's what I really think. It was lovely to see you again. SHERPA'S 'DAWN GLASS MORN'