My mum's in town. She's keen to meet you. I haven't seen you since... I haven't seen you since... ...school. Nightmare. Let's just say there was good... and there was bad. Let him go. FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS Hey, wanna come in for staffies? Hey, wanna come in for staffies? I'm about to go to bed. Hey, wanna come in for staffies? I'm about to go to bed. Oh, I could flag it and come over. No, stay. Have a good night with the boys. Go hard. Maybe we could do something tomorrow. Maybe we could do something tomorrow. Sure. Hey, I'm not paying you to chit-chat. You should go. You should go. We'll talk la` You should go. We'll talk la` Bye. Shit, I'm wanted online. Shit, I'm wanted online. Yeah? You do that? Do what? Do what? Online ` you know, meet the ladies. Do what? Online ` you know, meet the ladies. Shit, no. Oh. Yeah, nah,... nah, neither do I. It's Trash Truck Smashdown. It's Trash Truck Smashdown. Cara sounded weird. I think something's up. Menopause. Menopause. What the shit? It's what happens when chicks get old. It's what happens when chicks get old. Yeah, d-bag, but Cara's not old. When exactly does that happen? When exactly does that happen? I don't know. When exactly does that happen? I don't know. It's not menopause. 'Course not. 'Course not. She's sick of you. Hey? Hey? Yeah. She's had fun with her bit of boy-toy ass. Now she's done; she's moving on. Now she's done; she's moving on. Why am I even talking to you? And that, my friend, is how you get a staff member to shut up and get on with it. Hello? Hello? Oh. (EXHALES) Hello? Oh. (EXHALES) Hi. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Uh, just dropped Az off at, uh, WINZ, so I thought, 'Coffee?' I gotta get to work, sorry. I gotta get to work, sorry. Right. Are we cool? Sorry? Sorry? Feels like I haven't seen you in ages and that you've been... Uh, it's` it's just work ` just busy. And, uh,... it's Logan's birthday in the weekend. And, uh,... it's Logan's birthday in the weekend. Awesome. I'm trying to find the only thing he wants in the entire world ` Super-Muso Man's Green Room Hideout. Super awesome. Yeah, it would be if I could find one. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, it would be if I could find one. (CHUCKLES) They sold out? Yeah, seem to be. Yeah, seem to be. So,... you're not going off me, then? 'Course not. Is there anything I can do to help? Is there anything I can do to help? No, no. It's just kid stuff. You don't need to worry. (CHUCKLES) DOOR BELL JANGLES DOOR BELL JANGLES How's it going? (SIGHS) Hideous. I'm not feeling well. Here ` did so much shopping in Hong Kong. You didn't have to get me anything. Oh, I didn't. I had to make room in my wardrobe for all my new stuff, so... Oh, right. Thank you. Oh, right. Thank you. Is Jen ready for me? Oh, right. Thank you. Is Jen ready for me? Crap. Uh,... she's not` ...here. ...here. She's probably just late. ...here. She's probably just late. Again. (MOANS ORGASMICALLY) That is so... (PANTS) Unexpected? # I swear # I'm the one you want. # CELL PHONE RINGS Yeah? What? Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hard night, was it? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hard night, was it? I've been having dreams about Dylan. What kind of dreams? What kind of dreams? Good dreams. But very bad and disturbing good dreams. But he's, uh` But he's, uh` I know he's gay, but he wasn't very gay this morning. In your dream? In your dream? Yes, in my dreams. Sweetheart,... you're not falling for him? you're not falling for him? 'Course not. I just... (SIGHS) I just... think I'm just sexually frustrated. Right. Right. It's been a while, and it's messing with my brain. I need a shag, that's all. And I desperately need a pedicure. Two weeks till I can get the dole ` how am I supposed to survive? Two weeks till I can get the dole ` how am I supposed to survive? Hugo might have some shifts. I can't work nights. You know that. I can't work nights. You know that. Because of Trash Truck Smashdown? I'm versing Erasmus, some dude in England. There's a time difference; my hands are tied. Where are we going? Where are we going? We are on a mission to hunt down Super-Muso Man's Green Room Hideout. Why would we do that? Why would we do that? Cos it's Cara's kid's favourite superhero. What's next? Super singer-songwriter guy? He'd bore you to death with his ballads. Shit. Shit. What are you doing? Shit. What are you doing? Her ` Marion. (GROANS) She's already got it. (GROANS) She's already got it. Sweet, you're off the hook. (GROANS) She's already got it. Sweet, you're off the hook. (SIGHS) Kids have got some dumb toys these days. Yeah, not like when we were young. Wow! Is that a drencher gun? Is that a drencher gun? Man,... I always wanted one of those. You went to high school with Dave's mother? And I got enough grief from Natalie, so I'd rather` And I got enough grief from Natalie, so I'd rather` Don't worry about her, hon. I'm trying not to, but she had a point ` about him having a life, a family of his own. about him having a life, a family of his own. He loves you; you love him. I really do. I really do. God, I'm gonna be sick. Do you have to be a bitch all the time? JEN AND CARA YELL Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, that is nasty. Yeah. Yeah. You OK? Oh, yuck. Oh, yuck. Was it something you ate? I don't know. Uh, Phillip and I went to that new Ethiopian food truck with Katrina and Spense ` very trendy. Uh, yeah, could be that. Uh, yeah, could be that. Or you could be pregnant. Uh, yeah, could be that. Or you could be pregnant. (GASPS) Impossible. Why? Phil and you not do it? Why? Phil and you not do it? I'm on the pill. Why? Phil and you not do it? I'm on the pill. Not foolproof. Remember Gabby? Ooh, that was bad. Ooh, that was bad. Yeah, she already had three. Ooh, that was bad. Yeah, she already had three. What are you saying? Gabby and her husband took their kids to Europe for a trip, and she got her timing wrong with the pill, and the next minute ` and she got her timing wrong with the pill, and the next minute ` ...twins. No,... I'm not pregnant. GROANS: Oh, I need to go. GROANS: Oh, I need to go. Do you need a lift? GROANS: Oh, I need to go. Do you need a lift? No, it's fine. I think she's actually worried. I think she's actually worried. Well, at least she's getting some. I think she's actually worried. Well, at least she's getting some. And here we are ` back to sex. I am right on my sexual peak, and it's all going to waste. You can't get these days back, Cara. You're home early. Are you all right? I've been throwing up since 8.30. Oh no, the Ethiopian food truck. It's not the food truck, Phillip. It's not the food truck, Phillip. Well, what is it, then? There's a possibility... I might be pregnant. But you're on the pill. But you're on the pill. We flew out to Hong Kong at midnight. I was supposed to take it seven hours into the flight, but I did it at the hotel instead. Shit and balls and bastards. Shit and balls and bastards. Phillip. Shit and balls and bastards. Phillip. Don't panic, Julia. You're the one who's panicking. You're the one who's panicking. We'll get a test. We'll go to a pharmacy, get a test. I feel like death. I don't wanna move. I feel like death. I don't wanna move. I'll go, then. I suppose we should find out exactly what we're dealing with. Look,... whatever happens,... we'll face it, and we'll face it together as a team. we'll face it, and we'll face it together as a team. SOFTLY: Yes, darling. Hey. Hey. Hi. Hey. Hi. I've got a surprise for you. Really? Really? I hope you don't mind, but inspiration struck. Nick, Gavin, this is Jen. Jen, this is Nick and Gavin. Hello. Hello. Hi. I promised them a freebie if they helped us out. A bike service, unfortunately. A bike service, unfortunately. Oh. Excellent. You OK? Oh no, you hate the colour. Oh, no, no, the colour's good. Everything's... really... really good. I'd love to stay and help you guys, but I've gotta go. Thanks, guys. Nice to meet you both. It was hell, Cara. It was torture. All I wanted was a quiet night in with my vibrator,... Sorry, Dave. ...and there they all were. ...and there they all were. And you're sure they were all gay? ...and there they all were. And you're sure they were all gay? All gay. Bastards. Where are all the shaggable men in my life? Where are all the shaggable men in my life? Bye. (SIGHS) Oh my God. You ` you can help me. I'm taken. I'm taken. But you must have loads of shaggable friends. Oh, um` Oh, um` Come on, hook a sister up. Well, um,... Toby's in Sydney. Max has got a girlfriend. Devon's a wanker. There's Tim! No, he's juggling two. I don't think he could cope with a third. Jen, I don't know. Jen, I don't know. What about Uzzy? Who? Who? Azza? Azza! Azza! No! Why not? He could be keen. He's not up to much at the moment. Why not? He could be keen. He's not up to much at the moment. He's unemployed! Is he good-looking? Don't ask me. Don't ask me. Sure, he's cute, but he's probably not your type. If he's male, single and has a pulse, I'll take him. If he's male, single and has a pulse, I'll take him. Sure, I'll hook it up. Bugger! I emailed this place about Super-Muso Man's Green Room Hideout. Now, they have them, but it would never get here in time. Now, they have them, but it would never get here in time. Wouldn't worry. It's the only thing Logan wants, and if he doesn't get it... It's the only thing Logan wants, and if he doesn't get it... He will have learned a life lesson. Except he will get it. Really? Is there something you wanna share here? I just know it will be all right on the night. See ya. And I'll hook you up with Az. And I'll hook you up with Az. Much appreciated. That is so thoughtful. That is so thoughtful. Yeah, cutting me in on the old slutty cougar action. Excuse me? You're not slutty,... but I... definitely could be. All right in there? All right in there? JULIA: Doesn't say anything yet. All right in there? JULIA: Doesn't say anything yet. CELL PHONE RINGS Phillip Deering. Oh, hey, Spense. Yeah, I did try to call. Yes! Katrina's got food poisoning! She's` She's horribly ill ` both ends, apparently! WHISPERS: Oh, shit. Sorry, Spense. That's, um... That's... That's dreadful. Poor Katrina. Food poisoning? Food poisoning. Food poisoning. Oh, thank God. (SIGHS) Well, I'm glad you're feeling better. Honestly, do we have to come into this place? The pizzas are really good, and they make a really nice rocket salad. The pizzas are really good, and they make a really nice rocket salad. Well, anyone can do a rocket salad. Sometimes it's the only chance I get to see Dave. Our hours aren't that compatible. It's just your hours that aren't compatible? It's just your hours that aren't compatible? Hey,... tell Jen Azza's keen as. (LAUGHS) Right. Jen's going on a blind date with Dave's friend. Jen's going on a blind date with Dave's friend. Oh, for... Don't judge her. Don't judge her. I will judge her... and you. There you go. It's a little bit different between Dave and I. Except... do you think I'm being selfish? What if he wants to have children one day? Then he'll leave you, I imagine. Julia, can you try to be a bit more supportive for one second? (CLEARS THROAT) (CLEARS THROAT) Knocked Up Natalie... Natalie,... she made me feel shitty. Well, she wants grandchildren, and you're not gonna give them to her, so... of course she hates you. But I don't care about her. I care about you. And, in five years' time, when Dave finds someone his own age and goes off to start a family, I don't want you to be heartbroken. He says he doesn't want that. Nobody knows what they want at that age. I wanted to be a... flight attendant. You didn't get in. Which was good. They're flying doormats; they're... waitresses in heels. And then I got a real job and met Phillip. Just think about it, Cara. Shouldn't you be with someone who's at your level? How is this supportive? How is this supportive? If family can't be honest, who can? REFLECTIVE MUSIC I said, 'Azza, chuck us the lighter so I can open my beer,' and he did, and it landed in my shirt pocket. My mum's in town. She's keen to meet you. Whoa. Whoa. He talks such rubbish. Then we decided if we could do it three more times, we'd treat ourselves to a bender. What's a bender? It's a kind of animal. It's a kind of animal. PHONE RINGS Cara Gray speaking. Yes, that's right, Super-Muso Man for Sunday. I'm sorry? No, you can't do that. I booked him six weeks ago. > What? Don't you have more than one Super-Muso Man? No, we don't want a fairy. He's a boy. No, we don't want a fairy. He's a boy. (SIGHS) I'll deal with it. Do you entertain children for their birthday or disappoint them? Do you entertain children for their birthday or disappoint them? Mum, I don't want a fairy. It'll be OK. It'll be OK. How can you have double-booked? How stupid are you? Marion. Marion. Don't you use that voice with me. (CHUCKLES) Someone's gonna get a scathing online review. (CHUCKLES) Someone's gonna get a scathing online review. Mum? Darling, I'm` I'm so sorry. Um,... Super`Muso Man is really busy saving people and, um,... playing his guitar. But I told everyone, and Abbey said she won't come if he's not there. Don't worry, champ. We'll get someone better to come. Really? Really? Yeah, totally. Someone that makes Super-Muso Man look like a wimp. Uh,... Dave? Uh,... Dave? Thanks, Dave! Uh,... Dave? Thanks, Dave! No sweat. (GRUNTS) SUPER-MUSO MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY SUPER-MUSO MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY Very clever (!) What did I do? What did I do? You broke one of the rules. You promised more than you can deliver. You promised more than you can deliver. You never promise more than you can deliver. Unless you know where to get a superhero before Sunday morning. Unless you know where to get a superhero before Sunday morning. SUPER-MUSO MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY I'm sorry for being a bitch today. Really? Really? Yes, really. Let me buy you lunch tomorrow. Uh, you don't have to do that. There's a new winery out west. Apparently it's divine, and I really do want to be supportive. Um, I suppose so. Um, I suppose so. Great. I'll text the details. Darling! God, Phillip. Which client were you schmoozing today? It's not a client; it's just the drugs. You're on drugs? You're on drugs? Just to ease the pain. What? What? I got the chop, sweetheart. Pardon me? Pardon me? Surprise! $26, please. Hey, you're looking hot. Thanks. Thanks. Occasion? Thanks. Occasion? Blind date. Awesome. Awesome. Not really. He's an hour late. Prick. Have you called him? Prick. Have you called him? Yeah, a couple of times ` no answer. Poor you. Poor you. Oh, it's OK. I was only really interested in the casual sex. Isn't there an app for that? Isn't there an app for that? (GIGGLES) For guys, maybe. Isn't there an app for that? (GIGGLES) For guys, maybe. Well, maybe I can help. How do you mean? Well, I must know somebody. Heaps of straight guys come into the bike shop. Thanks, but it's OK. Wanna share my pork bun? Sure. (SIGHS) Thank you, darling. You are perfect. You had a vasectomy? You had a vasectomy? I know. You had a vasectomy? I know. Without telling me? (SIGHS) (SIGHS) When was it booked, Phillip? It wasn't booked. I called Donald to ask what was involved, and he had a cancellation, so I bowled on in there, and snip, snip. You angry? You angry? We discuss everything, Phillip ` where to go for coffee, buying a microwave. And you just go off and have a life-changing operation without even mentioning it. We talked about this the other night. We talked about this the other night. When? < Pregnancy scare ` it could never happen again. I did it for you, darling. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) Neither of us want a baby. Now we'll never have one. Now we'll never have one. No. You wanted a baby? You wanted a baby? I don't. I don't. I don't want a baby. Then what's the iss`? Then what's the iss`? You've just made it final. DRIVING ROCK MUSIC Is that porn? Children's party entertainers. Get her. She looks awesome. Get her. She looks awesome. Logan's a boy. He's not gonna want her at his party. Maybe we could hire her. Maybe we could hire her. She's a Disney princess, not a prostitute. She could come and clean up with her little birds and fawns, and we could watch. You got problems, mate. (CHUCKLES) Hey, how'd it go with Jen last night? Oh, shit. You didn't. You didn't. I was gonna go, and then Erasmus came online. You stood her up. You stood her up. I was only gonna do one level of Smashdown,... > Azza! Azza! ...and then he was caning me. Azza! ...and then he was caning me. You douchebag. I'll just... make up an excuse, say I'm sorry. She's a woman, Azza. She's not going to believe your excuses. Morning. READS: Sorry about last night. I had the squirts. READS: Sorry about last night. I had the squirts. Ugh! Is this the no-show? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. CELL PHONE CHIMES READS: Keen to hook up tonight? READS: Keen to hook up tonight? Are you kidding? No way, honey. READS: Keen to hook up tonight? Are you kidding? No way, honey. Really? Jen,... the guy left you all dressed up with nowhere to go. You deserve so much better than that. CELL PHONE BEEPS Guess what? Me and the cougar are back on tonight. Guess what? Me and the cougar are back on tonight. She must be desperate. Yeah, hi. Any luck on Spider-Man? Pink? I don't think so. Thanks. Is he a gay Spider-Man? Is he a gay Spider-Man? All they have is a pink bouncy castle with a picture of Rapunzel. What's she wearing? What's she wearing? I don't think that's the point. At least this kid's getting a party. Some don't even. You've never had a birthday party? You've never had a birthday party? Oh, I had parties. My mum used to save her wine cask inners and hang them up as balloons. My mum used to save her wine cask inners and hang them up as balloons. Right. And we had games ` pin the tail on the drunk uncle. You are joking? You are joking? It was quite an easy game. You are joking? It was quite an easy game. What I need is a hero ` someone who can pretend. I'm not a hero, and I don't do dress-ups. That guy ain't a hero. That guy ain't a hero. What? (SIGHS) I'd say more of a sidekick. (SIGHS) I'd say more of a sidekick. Hey, dishwasher kid, butt out. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. All right, gents. I said I would deliver, and I have to deliver. How about you deliver a cosmopolitan and two sav blancs to table three? Hey. Hey. Hi. Should've come in one car. Wouldn't have minded being the designated driver. No, it's fine. I might have to leave early anyway. Shit. Look who's here. Oh, Julia, you didn't. Didn't what? Didn't what? Invite Miserable Michael. Why would you do that again? He's not miserable any more and still keen to give business advice. No, Julia, stop it. No, Julia, stop it. (GROANS) Cara,... Michael is a catch,... OK? He is successful, attractive, and best of all, he's not gonna bugger off on you. Don't you get it? Dave and I, we're serious. Darling,... you admitted you were having doubts. That doesn't mean I want someone else. (HUFFS) What are you doing? What are you doing? For God's sake, Julia! After all this time, why do you do this to me? I don't always. You made me go to the Grammar ball with Sarah-Jane Chapworth's brother. You made me go to the Grammar ball with Sarah-Jane Chapworth's brother. What was wrong with him? He grabbed my boob in the back of the cab and then threw up in my handbag. It was 1989, Cara. Let it go. Plus Sara-Jane Chapworth's brother owns half of Queenstown now. Imagine how different life could've been for you if you'd` Imagine how different life could've been for you if you'd` No, enough. Cara! Get back here. Just come` Just come` Let go. Hey! Come for lunch, OK? Please, you have to. I don't want to. I don't want to. Cara, stop it. You're embarrassing me. You've embarrassed me and poor Michael. You've embarrassed me and poor Michael. Stop it! God's sake. After all this time, don't you get it? I love Dave, even if it is hopeless, OK? My mum's in town. z Well,... this is lovely. Your sister's not joining us? She had a... a child crisis or some such thing. (CHUCKLES) She didn't know I was coming, did she? No. I am so sorry. Don't be. Don't be. I'm sorry. She is rude and also quite deluded. You were trying to do something nice. You've got nothing to apologise for. Thank you. Thank you. And on the upside, the wine here is excellent. < DOOR CLOSES That was quick. I thought you were having lunch. That was quick. I thought you were having lunch. (CHUCKLES) I changed my mind. (GRUNTS) How's it all going here? (GRUNTS) How's it all going here? Gran's gonna use liquorice for Super-Muso Man's guitar strings. (LAUGHS) She's very clever, your gran. Hey, can I help? I've got everything under control. I've got everything under control. Goodie bags? I've got everything under control. Goodie bags? You know what I think about those. When Stewie was a boy, the children appreciated the party; they didn't expect to go home with trinkets. (CHUCKLES) They're in a box at the bottom of the cupboard there. This is gonna be the best party, even though Abbey said if Super-Muso Man didn't come, it'd be the S-word. Pardon? Pardon? Well, Abbey is a little bit mean. She's my best friend. Well, no matter what happens, it'll still be a great day, because your family and friends will be there. Someone's coming. Dave promised. Someone's coming. Dave promised. Yes, he did. Thanks, Gran. Thanks for lunch. You didn't have to shout. Thanks for lunch. You didn't have to shout. No, I did. (SIGHS) Cara doesn't know a good thing when she sees it. (SCOFFS) When you find someone, you find someone. But why couldn't she have found you? Look at you ` you're a catch. But why couldn't she have found you? Look at you ` you're a catch. (CHUCKLES) I don't think so. You have your own business... and your own hair. and your own hair. BOTH CHUCKLE You're a genuine,... good man... and still single. The women of NZ must be walking around with their eyes closed. (GIGGLES) Really? Really? Yeah, really. Oh,... um... Was that the wrong thing to do? Was that the wrong thing to do? (EXHALES) Obviously. I'm married. You have been so good to me since Cathy left. I mean it, Julia ` you've been a lifesaver. You genuinely care. You're so... kind and... good. Jesus,... (SIGHS) you're beautiful. I need to go. REFLECTIVE MUSIC CELL PHONE RINGS Hey, Phil. Hey, Phil. Hey, Cara, can you put Jules on? She's not answering her phone. Oh, um` Oh, um` She probably doesn't wanna talk to me. Have you had a fight? Have you had a fight? Bit of a big one, yeah. She didn't tell you? She didn't tell you? We, um,... had a small disagreement ourselves. I think I might have stuffed things up. That sounds bad. I'm a thoughtless prat sometimes. I'm a thoughtless prat sometimes. No, you're not. I'll try again on her mobile. I'll try again on her mobile. Good luck. JULIA AND MICHAEL MOAN, CELL PHONE RINGS JULIA PANTS Hey, Jules, I'm so sorry. And we should talk when you get home, because I don't want you to be unhappy. It's the last thing I want. Love you, Jules. JULIA PANTS, SIGHS JULIA AND MICHAEL PANT, GRUNT FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS Thanks. Azza! Azza! Oh, goodness, how we've missed you (!) Hi. Jen,... this is Azza. Azza, this... is Jen. Hiya. Hiya. 'Sup? Ow. What? Sorry. Sorry. So you should be. Sorry. So you should be. Not me ` you. Oh, right. Sorry about last night. Hey, we're here now. Hey, we're here now. So,... I've reserved a table for you over there, so if you wanna head on over, I'll come over with a drink of... so if you wanna head on over, I'll come over with a drink of... House sav. And just the usual for you, Az? And just the usual for you, Az? Sweet. What's going on there? What's going on there? Cara's friend ` she wanted a bit of a booty call. And you thought of him? Jesus, mate, I would've helped you out. Oh, I think she wanted to try the younger guy thing. So, um, what's Azza short for? Aaron. What's Jen short for? What's Jen short for? Jenny. Thought it might be Jennifer. Thought it might be Jennifer. Mm. So, you're into massage and stuff? So, you're into massage and stuff? Skincare, Botox, light treatments, massage. Happy endings? Happy endings? That's original (!) Thank you. Cara says you're in IT. Cara says you're in IT. Yeah. Uh, I was. I got the boot. I got the boot. Oh no, what did you do? I didn't do anything. Bitch I worked with, on the other hand... It's a long story. She tricked me. She hassled me all the time. The worst thing was when she banged me. She what? She what? She banged me twice. How is that a bad thing? How is that a bad thing? It's what got us fired. But you obviously wanted to do it. But you obviously wanted to do it. No. You know what else she did? But you obviously wanted to do it. No. You know what else she did? Azza, why don't we get outta here? why don't we get outta here? She tried to make me feel bad by saying she lived above her grandmother's laundromat. by saying she lived above her grandmother's laundromat. Aaron,... Yeah? Yeah? ...are you gonna seduce me or not? Yeah? ...are you gonna seduce me or not? Oh, right. You're really pretty. And for your age, you look amazing. I'll take it. I'll take it. And your hair's really long. I'll take it. And your hair's really long. I've been working on it. But let's skip the spadework. DOOR SLAMS, BOTH GRUNT (PANTS) (PANTS) CELL PHONE CHIMES Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Could be important. Shit, it is important. Shit, it is important. What is it? Shit, it is important. What is it? Can you give me a sec? (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Kitchen's just there. There's vodka and stuff. (PANTS) OK. Nice liquor cupboard. Nice liquor cupboard. I live with a barman. Dave likes to try out new cocktails and shit. That guy really does have his uses. That guy really does have his uses. VODKA TRICKLES, TV BLARES Uh, dude, are you playing a game? Won't be long. My opponent, Erasmus, is overseas, so there's a time difference thing. Just gotta kick his butt on this one level. Trash Truck Smashdown ` you played it? No. No. < You take the trash and smash the trash trucks. See how many compost bins you kill and greenies you knock over. See how many compost bins you kill and greenies you knock over. That sounds extremely stupid. Come on, mofo, let's see what you got. Come on, mofo, let's see what you got. COMPUTER GAME BLARES My mum's in town. (SIGHS) Hi. How was work? How was work? Azza and Jen were there. The blind date. The blind date. (SIGHS) Did it go OK? Did it go OK? They left together, so I'm thinking... yeah. Right. But don't worry ` there's no chance we'll end up double-dating. (CHUCKLES) That's not what I'm worried about. How did you go with the superhero for tomorrow? Sorted. Sorted. Really? Sorted. Really? Yeah. Who'd you get? Who'd you get? You won't have heard of them. Who'd you get? You won't have heard of them. I know most of them, as the mother of a little boy. as the mother of a little boy. And as a former little boy, I might know more about it than you. Oh really? Trust me, this party is going gangbusters. (CHUCKLES) REFLECTIVE MUSIC (SIGHS) MUSIC CONTINUES DOOR THUDS DOOR THUDS I'm 8! I'm 8! I'm 8! I'm 8! I'm 8! I'm asleep! I'm asleep! I'm asleep! I'm asleep! I'm asleep! I'm asleep! Oh, happy birthday, my big 8-year-old boy. Thanks. Thanks. (CHUCKLES) Come on, Dave. Do we have to get up now? Do we have to get up now? This is how we do birthdays in our house. We always do. Come on! Come on, you two, rise and shine. Come on! Come on, you two, rise and shine. (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) OK. Thank you, Mum. Thank you, Mum. And... this is from me. Thank you, Gran. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. Is that it? I mean, awesome... book. And that's your loot, Logan, unless Dave has got something. (HUMS EXCITEDLY) Happy birthday, mate. Whoa! That, my friend, is a genuine drencher. I totally wanted one when I was your age. Awesome! Thank you. Argh! And, uh,... that's everything? Breakfast. Breakfast. And then we'll blow up some balloons. What happened to the Green Room Hideout? What happened to the Green Room Hideout? Good question. I thought you had it. I thought you had it. Me? I thought you had it. Me? Yes. Yesterday you said` Logan, look what I found! An express package for you from the Gold Coast. An express package for you from the Gold Coast. From Dad. Whoa! It's what I wanted! Look, Mum! That's awesome, honey. That's awesome, honey. Aren't you a lucky boy to have such a clever father? Yes, he does always seem to know what the kids want. Yes, he does always seem to know what the kids want. That's what dads do. (SIGHS) (GROANS) (GROANS) BOTTLES CLINK What is it? What is it? (GROANS) What is it? (GROANS) Oh, hey, 'sup? 'Sup is I'm going home. You fell asleep. You fell asleep. You played computer games. Only Trash Truck Smashdown. It got a bit epic. I tried to wake you up for a bit of, you know, but... (CHUCKLES) you were out to it. You were snoring. And you need to learn some manners. Eh? Eh? You don't take a woman out and talk about another woman or bring a woman home and ignore her while you play with your joystick. And I have it on good authority that I don't snore. So do you still wanna have sex? So do you still wanna have sex? I think the moment's passed. So do you still wanna have sex? I think the moment's passed. CELL PHONE CHIMES Holy shit,... Erasmus isn't Erasmus. I don't need to know this. I don't need to know this. My opponent from England ` he's not even a he. (SIGHS) That bitch. She's been messing with me! (SIGHS) That bitch. She's been messing with me! Get help. Morning. Thanks. I'll get up and have it. You didn't have to sleep in here again. I'm not that fragile. You didn't have to sleep in here again. I'm not that fragile. Wanted to be on the safe side. Julia,... I feel like such a dick. Of course I should have spo` Of course I should have spo` Don't. We need to talk about this. I need a shower. OK, you don't need to say anything ` I'm a dirty stop-out. But seriously, that was the worst sex I never had. What's wrong? What's wrong? Alec is moving in with someone. What's wrong? Alec is moving in with someone. Oh shit. We split up because he didn't want to be Mr Domestic. We split up because he didn't want to be Mr Domestic. Oh, babe. He only just met the guy. He only just met the guy. Oh, come here. FUNKY MUSIC CHILDREN LAUGH, CHATTER Ah! The height of rudeness, Jasmine. Ah! The height of rudeness, Jasmine. What about him? Ah! The height of rudeness, Jasmine. What about him? Yeah, what a gannet. (SCOFFS) (SCOFFS) Telltales. LAUGHS: Wow. It's a bit like the bar at the end of uni pub crawl. You know anything about the present? The Green Room Hideout? You know anything about the present? The Green Room Hideout? Um... I've asked Marion almost every year how come Stewie knows exactly what to get when he's not even here. She says it's just because he cares. Hmm. She says it's just because he cares. Hmm. It's her. I knew it. How did you know? How did you know? I saw Marion at the, um, toy shop when I went to look for it. So you did go and look for it. Can't let a little guy down on his birthday... or you. Can't let a little guy down on his birthday... or you. Mum, Abbey wants the superhero. Um,... I don't know if the superhero's gonna make it. I'll just give him a hurry-up. I'll just give him a hurry-up. See? There is so a superhero coming. Mate, if you're not here in 10 minutes, my balls are toast. Hey. Hey. Where's the birthday boy? Hey. Where's the birthday boy? Oh, they're all outside. I'm sorry about yesterday. I'm sorry about yesterday. Don't mention it. Are you OK? You and Phil, I mean. You and Phil, I mean. Of course. We're fine. Julia. I'll get you a wine. You can hear those kids from down the street. Lucky I brought my little friends. Learnt my lesson from last year's party. What's her problem? Fighting with Phil, and... she tried to set me up with Miserable Mike again. She did not. She did not. Yep. She did not. Yep. What is it with her and that guy? I guess she cares... in her own way. I guess she cares... in her own way. In a bitch way. But there are downsides to the younger guy, let me tell you. First he made me pay for all my drinks, which... I kinda get, cos he doesn't have any money. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. But then he proceeded to bore my pants off, and I don't mean literally. and I don't mean literally. Poor you. I don't know how you do it with Dave. Well, he's a little bit more mature than Azza. Well, he's a little bit more mature than Azza. Ow! Ow! Ow! It must be love. It must be love. Must be. It must be love. Must be. Oi, Dave. Why didn't you tell me he was coming? I didn't know. I didn't know. Oh, I need a drink. The giant has to go now, guys. The giant has to go now, guys. CHILDREN: Aw! (ROARS) (ROARS) CHILDREN SCREAM (ROARS) CHILDREN SCREAM (CHUCKLES) Where the hell have you been? Where the hell have you been? Trying to track Erasmus... and his evil alter ego. What? What? You said 11. Keep your pants on. Did you bring the stuff? Did you bring the stuff? Yeah, brought the stuff. What about the stuff you promised? What about the stuff you promised? All the cocktail sausages you can eat. And tomato sauce. What about the nuggets? We have untold unspecified chicken parts in batter and party pies. We have untold unspecified chicken parts in batter and party pies. Oh, love me a party pie. I know, Az. (CHUCKLES) I know, Az. (CHUCKLES) (MOANS) You so stood up to the deal, brother. Let's get to it. Mm,... Julia, Cara told me what happened with you and Miserable Michael yesterday. What? What? You tried to set them up, which is dumb, because she's totally in love with Dave. because she's totally in love with Dave. I'm a little busy here, Jen. My thing is... I'll take him. Sorry? Sorry? Miserable Michael. I'm in the middle of a drought. I'll do the depressed guy. I'll do the depressed guy. God, Jen, don't be such a slut. My mum's in town. CHILDREN LAUGH, WHOOP CHILDREN LAUGH Oh my God. Oh my God. What? Oh my God. What? I am Drenchman, and here is my trusty sidekick. His name is... Merman Man. Merman Man. (STIFLES LAUGHTER) Merman Man? Merman Man? Yes. But I don't have a tail. I'm not a woman. But I don't have a tail. I'm not a woman. Which is why you're Merman Man. Oh. Oh. Drenchman and Merman are not real heroes. You speak, Earth girl? You speak, Earth girl? They're stink. You speak, Earth girl? They're stink. You speak again, enemy! KIDS SQUEAL, LAUGH KIDS SQUEAL, LAUGH Oh no. Dave! KIDS SQUEAL, LAUGH Oh no. Dave! (LAUGHS) Now, the thing about Drenchman and Merman Man is... we're baddies. So, everyone, find a weapon, if you can. It's us against you, mere mortals. Come on! It's us against you, mere mortals. Come on! (LAUGHS EVILLY) UPLIFTING MUSIC Argh! (GRUNTS) Oh! Oh! Got you, Merman! I could do with some help here. I could do with some help here. As if I would fight for the enemy. Well, if you're not with us, you're against us. Well, if you're not with us, you're against us. BOTH SQUEAL (LAUGHS) Oh! You got me, Logan. He's so good with them, isn't he? He's so good with them, isn't he? Free entertainment while the adults drink. You should keep him on. UPLIFTING MUSIC (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (LAUGHS) Excuse me. Excuse me. Julia, no. I` I can't stand this. (SIGHS) The thing is... I'm terrified of having kids. (SIGHS) The thing is... I'm terrified of having kids. I know. You don't have to justi` You don't have to justi` Hear me out,... please. We always say it's the lifestyle and` and the travelling, and that's partly true. Partly? My granddad died when he was 42 ` my dad, not much older. Uncle Wayne made it to` I know all this, Phillip. You have a medical every year. Your heart is fine. Dad... (SIGHS) Dad had no symptoms. Then one day... Maybe I'll be OK, but I can't take the risk. I grew up without a dad. It's hard enough to bear the thought of leaving you on your own. It's hard enough to bear the thought of leaving you on your own. You are not leaving me. I won't allow it. Does this mean I'm forgiven? SIGHS: Of course. Hey, 'sup? 'Sup? 'Sup? I should buy you a drink some time. 'Sup? I should buy you a drink some time. I really don't think so. This morning I was just upset about Erasmus not being Erasmus. This morning I was just upset about Erasmus not being Erasmus. Mm. It was her again ` Betty. OK, one final time ` she likes you, and you like her. I hate her. I hate her. No, you don't. She's rude, and she pisses me off. She gets to me, and I end up spending all day thinking about her. So grow some testicles and do something about it. MOMENTOUS MUSIC You said you were living in poverty with your grandmother above a laundromat. You lied. Well, what can I say? I live to make you feel bad. Well, what can I say? I live to make you feel bad. And you do. Erasmus, my arse. You're a bitch and not very bright. You're a bitch and not very bright. If you weren't a girl, I'd smack you. And if you weren't a girl, I'd bang you so hard. TYRES SQUEAL ON TELEVISION > You're dead, Erasmus. Say it. You're dead, Erasmus. Say it. No! I hate you. No, you don't. No, you don't. I hate your guts. You wanna be my girlfriend. You wanna be my girlfriend. I don't do 'girlfriend', knoblord. You wanna be my girlfriend. I don't do 'girlfriend', knoblord. What do you do, then? Everything else. Everything else. TYRES SQUEAL, TELEVISION GOES QUIET > TRIUMPHANT MUSIC Righty-oh, Mr Eight, go and say goodnight to Mum. Thanks for my awesome birthday. Thanks for my awesome birthday. Mwah! Night, night, sweetie. You were so cool. You were so cool. Come on, you. Oh! (CHUCKLES, GRUNTS) Oh! (CHUCKLES, GRUNTS) Goodnight, super dude. Oh! (CHUCKLES, GRUNTS) Goodnight, super dude. (GRUNTS, CHUCKLES) Goodnight, little man. (GRUNTS) Marion,... I know it was you and not Stewie who got the present for him. Don't be silly. Don't be silly. OK, but do we have to keep pretending? Honestly! It's her son. She has to stick up for him. (GRUNTS, SIGHS) (GRUNTS, SIGHS) (SIGHS) That's... (SIGHS) (SIGHS) ...very wise. (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) ...very wise. (CHUCKLES) Not really. (CHUCKLES) You were so great with the kids today. It made me think what a great father you'd be. It made me think what a great father you'd be. (CHUCKLES) I don't want any more kids, Dave. I don't want any more kids, Dave. Me neither. But if you don't have any, you'll be missing out. But if you don't have any, you'll be missing out. I'm not. I still get to be woken up at 5.30 in the morning. I get to eat party food, make fart jokes. OK, it's not the same. The same as what? The same as what? A proper family. I have everything I need... right here. You can't know how you'll feel a few years down the track. You can't know how you'll feel a few years down the track. No one does, Cara, but I'm here,... and I like it. I love it, I mean,... (CHUCKLES) and you... (SIGHS) and them. Really? Really? Yeah,... really. POIGNANT MUSIC Oh no! You... (SQUEALS, LAUGHS) RINGING TONE You've reached Stewie Gray at Gray Stone Enterprises. Leave a message or text me, and I'll get right back to ya. Leave a message or text me, and I'll get right back to ya. PHONE BEEPS Hello, darling, it's Mum. (CHUCKLES) It's Logan's birthday today. He's 8, and he loved your present. Um,... so... it would be nice if you... gave him a call some time. I'm sure he'd love to hear his father's voice. All right,... (CHUCKLES) I'll let you go. Love you. POIGNANT MUSIC CONTINUES Captions by Tom Wilson. Edited by Richard Edmunds. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014