HARD ROCK MUSIC Dave's moving in with us. Dave's moving in with us. Yay! Dave's moving in with us. Yay! That's awes. He's what?! He's what?! Step Dave? I'm moving out to live with Cara. (SQUEALS, LAUGHS) That was yum, wasn't it? Mm, very yum. Mmm. Mm, very yum. Mmm. And we all have to say yay to eating at 5.30. Not a bad thing. It means we can all eat together before Dave goes to work. Excellent (!) Excellent (!) This beef stroganoff is decent as. I got it from Mrs Maitland ` fourth-form home ec. When you were at school with Dave's mother. So humiliating. For who? It's not like any of your friends would care. She has no friends. She has no friends. Shut up, Spazmin. She has no friends. Shut up, Spazmin. You shut up, Scarface. Stop fighting, you two! You're hurting my ears! Stop fighting, you two! You're hurting my ears! BOTH SPEAK AT ONCE WILD ROCK MUSIC Quit it, you lot! So, Scarlett, um, you're ready for your larp? My broadsword is nearly dry. My broadsword is nearly dry. Great. My broadsword is nearly dry. Great. Hello. I got your dinner, and if it's not warm enough, I can zap it for you. I got your dinner, and if it's not warm enough, I can zap it for you. Oh, it'll be fine. I'm a little tired. Everything organised for the funeral? Everything organised for the funeral? My sausage rolls were rejected. But your sausage rolls are awesome! But your sausage rolls are awesome! Thank you, dear,... but they're not a healthy option, apparently. And there's not gonna be an after-match. And there's not gonna be an after-match. Party poopers. It's a funeral, not a party. It's a funeral, not a party. I was joking. It's a funeral, not a party. I was joking. I'm sure you were (!) I` I'll bring your dinner. Oh, that's very sweet. Can I play Minecraft? Can I play Minecraft? Sure. Marion's just upset about her friend. Marion's just upset about her friend. Mm, maybe,... or she hates my guts. No one hates you. No one hates you. Keep telling yourself that. Kat wants one of those eco funerals. It's not short for 'economic', even if the coffin is reconstituted cardboard. (CHUCKLES) But I found a nice outfit for Lucy. I could come with you tomorrow. I could come with you tomorrow. Oh, that's very kind, dear, but you have your larp. I don't have to go. No matter how things change, we all have to carry on, don't we? No matter how things change, we all have to carry on, don't we? (SIGHS) You mean Dave? Move! Move! And you have a lovely evening. You know, my grandmother is upset, and it's not just about her friend. You know, my grandmother is upset, and it's not just about her friend. I got that feeling. You can't just move in and expect everyone to love you. You can't just move in and expect everyone to love you. I never expected that. I don't love you. In fact, it's the opposite. You are a goatish dolt, a hedge-born scut, an ill-bred coxcomb, a halfwit and a cur. Anything else you'd like to get off your chest? Anything else you'd like to get off your chest? Your aftershave is offensive. (CHUCKLES) Promise not to wake you up. Promise not to wake you up. (CHUCKLES) The lack of sleep is kinda worth it. Mm. Mm. Hiya! > WHISPERS: Shit. WHISPERS: Shit. Be nice. WHISPERS: What the hell is she doing here? WHISPERS: What the hell is she doing here? Hey, Stacey. Hi. Dave, it's so nice to see you. Except I was just going to work, so... Um, that's OK. It's Cara that I'm here to see, anyway. Um, that's OK. It's Cara that I'm here to see, anyway. Great. Um, see you later. WHISPERS: Are you sure you'll be OK? WHISPERS: Are you sure you'll be OK? No, no, we're` we're good here. Um, I'll wait up for you. MOTOR STARTS I heard you two had moved in together. Everyone is talking about it. They are? They are? They think it's doomed, but you've been good to me, so I told them that you guys could work it out. WEAKLY: Thanks. WEAKLY: Thanks. And your advice has been so good ` about not being a ho. I think I said, uh, 'Value yourself.' Well, you meant not be a ho, and that's fine, because we're friends, and good friends are honest with each other, and you've been such a good friend. I don't know about that. I don't know about that. We haven't seen each other in ages, so I thought I should come round. Which is lovely, except now is not the best time. My mother-in-law has just had a` some bad news, and, uh, I do have the kids, so... (CHUCKLES) It's so cougar-tastic, isn't it? (LAUGHS) Um` Um` Well, what about tomorrow? I'm working. I'm working. God, I should get it that you're busy. It's just that... you're such an inspiration to me, you know? I mean, getting Dave to move in is, like,... (IMITATES EXPLOSION) you know, wow. (LAUGHS) Logan's cool. Jasmine's fine. But Scarlett ` she hates my guts. How do I get her to lose the attitude? Buy her some flowers. Girls like flowers. Buy her some flowers. Girls like flowers. Azza, no. That would be weird. You should get her a new sword or something. You should get her a new sword or something. So she can cut his nuts off? Oh, too late. Oh, too late. Hey, how's the Brady Bunch? Who? Who? Never mind. Two espresso martinis, thanks. Oh! Argh! Ow! Jen? Uh? Uh? My hair ` it's caught. Seriously, don't move. You'll scalp me. Are you OK? Are you OK? Terrific. Much better. OK, unclip it. Hang on. Here, allow me. Hang on. Here, allow me. PEOPLE TITTER, CHEER Hang on. Here, allow me. PEOPLE TITTER, CHEER Hey, uh, no` nothing to see here. Normally, I'd buy you dinner before we got to this position. Oh. Oh. Hi. Oh. Hi. Hi. Well, that's something that's never happened to me before. (CHUCKLES) Well, that's something that's never happened to me before. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Me neither. I'm Nathan. I'm Nathan. Uh, Jen. Uh, can I buy you a drink, uh, help ease the trauma? I've actually got one coming... and for my flatmate. That's Dylan. Actually, do you wanna join us? Actually, do you wanna join us? Oh, I was about to head home and watch the telly, so... I think we can do better than that. So, Nathan, Dylan has his own bike shop. It's supercool. Really? Really? Jen's a business owner too. She has her own beauty spa. Cool. Cool. Best waxer in the city. Stop it. You're too nice. Stop it. You're too nice. (CHUCKLES) Well, I should probably leave you guys to it. So, what do you do, Nathan? So, what do you do, Nathan? Uh, I'm a builder. Builder? Builder? Stop it! We just bought a house. We just bought a house. Total do-up. You should totally come check it out. Sure. But for tonight, that's me. I have to finish a deck tomorrow if the weather's fine. Give him your card,... so you can call about the house. Give him your card,... so you can call about the house. Why don't you give him yours? Oh, ta. Oh, ta. And here's Dylan's. Cool. Uh, thanks, guys. It's, uh` It's been great. I'll, uh` I'll call. I've got all the digits, so... Ta. You are so in. You are so in. Me? No. You are so in. Me? No. The guy is totally on your team. Well, I guess we'll find out if he calls one of us. Well, I guess we'll find out if he calls one of us. It'll be you. The guy's too perfect to be straight. KNOCK AT DOOR > Just wanted to see if there's anything you need. Why would there be? Why would there be? Marion, I'm really sorry about your friend. You barely even met her. You barely even met her. I know, but,... I could come to the funeral with you if you like. Don't be silly. You've got more than enough on your plate. Don't be silly. You've got more than enough on your plate. I'll make time. That's a kind offer, but I have no expectations. Pretty cool. Pretty cool. Yeah. My mum can do that. Oh, can she? Oh, can she? She's an ace juggler. Uh, I thought I started at half past. Yeah. Yeah, I'll` I'll see you soon. Larp starts at 12. Can you take me? Larp starts at 12. Can you take me? What? No, I'm working. Mum, you know how important this is. I've been preparing for weeks. Mum, you know how important this is. I've been preparing for weeks. I could take you. You've got loads on. I've got the day off. Really? Really? Mm. No. No. Pardon? No. Pardon? No, thanks. It'll be fine. We can shoot the breeze, listen to some beats. It'll be fine. We can shoot the breeze, listen to some beats. No way. You don't wanna go larping now? Yep, OK, whatever. Yep, OK, whatever. No worries. Yep, OK, whatever. No worries. I'll go get changed. DOOR CLOSES > DOOR CLOSES > Thank you. It's nothing. It's nothing. It's in Riverhead. Bugger. Is there a problem? Is there a problem? No. You wanna throw the sword in the back? The Glaive of Ardamagh will lay on the seat behind me. The Glaive of Ardamagh will lay on the seat behind me. Yes, Your Highness. So,... Scar,... (CHUCKLES) what's the thing with this larpy thing? (CHUCKLES) what's the thing with this larpy thing? HEADPHONES PLAY MUSIC OK. DREAMY MUSIC Don't throw it. Bowl it. How many times, man? Oi! Holy shit, what is that car? FENCE RATTLES FENCE RATTLES Ow! FENCE RATTLES Ow! How is it? It's 'howzat', not 'how is it?'. And that was a throw, not a bowl. I can't stay. I'm on a peacekeeping mission. Fancy dress party? Fancy dress party? Live-action role play. Fancy dress party? Live-action role play. No way. Real kids do that? Mm. I said I'd drive her out there. Mm. I said I'd drive her out there. Instead of having a bat? Dude, what's wrong with you? Better than flowers. (CHUCKLES) Better than flowers. (CHUCKLES) So you're greasing up to a 16-year-old nerd. Sad. Come back later? Mm, could be a while. It's in Riverhead. Riverhead? Riverhead? You know what that means? Riverhead? You know what that means? Magic mushrooms. No. No. We're coming. No. We're coming. Azza. Come on, we'll be good. Come on, we'll be good. Promise. You're not to say a word to Scarlett, OK? You're not to say a word to Scarlett, OK? What kinda word? Anything about her being weird. I want her to like me. Maybe I can help you with that. Maybe I can help you with that. How? Maybe I can help you with that. How? She's a girl; I'm a girl. You bowl like a girl. You bowl like a girl. Suck my dick. (KNOCKS AT DOOR) Oh, hiya. Hi. How are you? Good. I'm here for my appointment ` aromatherapy massage. I don't remember, um... I don't remember, um... Stacey? Yeah. Yeah. < There was a phone message. You had a free slot. Oh, right. Well, come on through. (CHUCKLES) When I saw how busy you are, I thought the best way to talk to you would be by booking in time. The lavender oil's good for you? The lavender oil's good for you? I love it. And your whole presence ` you know, it just gives off giving, which is probably why Dave is so into you and why he wasn't into me,... obviously. Well, let's just breathe deeply and... let everything go. (EXHALES) OK. Back to you and Dave ` how did you know it was the real thing, despite the fact that you're way older? (TUTS) I just felt it. I've met someone at work. You have? You have? Yeah. He's a bit older, but he's so kind and totally into me. And he asked me to marry him. Stacey, that's incredible. How long have you known him? How long have you known him? He's been around for months. He's proposed to me a few times. I just never took him seriously. Right. Right. But then when I heard about you and Dave,... Uh-huh. ...I thought maybe if Dave can be in a relationship, then maybe I can be in one too. No more throwing myself at... wasted jerks and man hoes and... Sorry, Cara. I wasn't meaning Dave. He's not a man ho any more. Well, not that I know of. Anyway, now I have Harry, and he is so... clever and caring and fun, and... I just adore him. I just adore him. Well, I'm sure he's very lucky to have you too. (SIGHS) Your advice has been just so amazing. It has? It has? And you know what? I'm going to say yes. You are? You are? (CHUCKLES) I'm getting married. (LAUGHS) Thank you so much for giving me a push in the right direction. Is my broadsword OK? Is my broadsword OK? Uh, haven't touched it. Why are they coming? Why are they coming? More the merrier. (CHUCKLES) Why are they coming? More the merrier. (CHUCKLES) We're into... bushwalking. Tramping. Tramping. You're looking for magic mushrooms. What do you know about that? What do you know about that? There's always losers out there looking for mushrooms. Are you a wizard? No. No. Guys,... Scarlett doesn't want to talk to you, OK? My character is Princess Samara. My character is Princess Samara. A princess. How original (!) Betty. Betty. All little girls wanna be princesses. Except I'm not the real Princess Samara; I'm her loyal maid. The real Samara was locked in a tower and refused to eat till she starved. Oh, an anorexic princess. Again, how original (!) Oh, an anorexic princess. Again, how original (!) Betty, shut it! It was grief, actually, after her father mysteriously disappeared in the Bloodline Wars. I assumed Samara's identity to defeat the dark lords of Gothral and keep the five kingdoms from war. You copied that from Star Wars. You copied that from Star Wars. What? You copied that from Star Wars. What? Episode I ` Phantom Menace. Good one, Azza (!) Good one, Azza (!) HEADPHONES PLAY MUSIC Good one, Azza (!) HEADPHONES PLAY MUSIC She did! Well, I hope you get to meet Harry. Before the wedding, I mean. Well, I hope you get to meet Harry. Before the wedding, I mean. I wish you much happiness. Oh, balls, look at the time. Gotta go. (CHUCKLES) Oh, balls, look at the time. Gotta go. (CHUCKLES) Oh. See ya. See ya. Bye. Oh my God! Stalker Stacey. One and the same. One and the same. God, I am so sorry. She sounded almost normal in her message. It's OK. She's getting married. Probably never see her again. Aren't you the bridesmaid? Aren't you the bridesmaid? Stop it. > Aren't you the bridesmaid? Stop it. > I mean matron of honour. Oh, ha ha (!) > Oh, ha ha (!) > CELL PHONE CHIMES Shitballs! What's wrong? What's wrong? Nathan ` pocket-chain guy. (GASPS) (GASPS) He wants to meet me for a drink. (GASPS) He wants to meet me for a drink. So he is straight. Maybe he just wants intel on Dylan... or to talk about our renovations. Well,... you could meet him and find out. I guess there's no harm in it. Where are you going? Where are you going? I've got a funeral to get to,... and I've gotta catch the bus. I need a favour,... and it won't take five minutes. I need a favour,... and it won't take five minutes. (SIGHS) RIP! RIP! (GROANS) You're brutal. Well, you said five minutes, and why does it have to be done now? RIP! RIP! (GROANS) Just maintenance. RIP! (GROANS) Just maintenance. Yeah? You do like him. RIP! RIP! (GROANS) RIP! (GROANS) Come on,... tell me the truth. No. The fact that I'm doing my bikini proves that I won't sleep with Nathan. How does that work? The waxing paradox ` you tidy up the lady forest, there's no chance of scoring. Couldn't you do my legs as well? Couldn't you do my legs as well? Jen! Couldn't you do my legs as well? Jen! I'll make it worth your while. SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS Welcome. Welcome. Oh, thank you. (CHUCKLES) LAID-BACK GUITAR MUSIC So, you want us to wait or...? Give me my broadsword. Give me my broadsword. It wobbles. Give me my broadsword. It wobbles. Careful! It's foam. Go get 'em, princess. Un-freakin'-believable. Thanks for winding her up, you two (!) Thanks for winding her up, you two (!) What did we do? You took the piss. You took the piss. I didn't. I was genuinely interested. I wasn't. Hey,... it rained all last week. You know what that means? Blue harvest. Come on. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) What else will you do? Wait for Game of Gnomes to finish? (SNIFFS) Think that might have been dog turd. Think that might have been dog turd. Told you. Gotta find at least one before she does. Gotta find at least one before she does. It's not a competition. With Betty? Always. So whipped. (CHUCKLES) So whipped. (CHUCKLES) Hey? Who's whipped? I'm not. I'm not. You live in the 'burbs, you drive a people mover, and you're obsessing about some kid liking you. Why bother? and you're obsessing about some kid liking you. Why bother? Because it's called l... When you love someone, things change. Horseshit. I've got Betty, and I don't have to change. She accepts me for who I am. Hey, dicklord! Hey, dicklord! Yeah? Hey, dicklord! Yeah? Jackpot. Yes, you legend. Yes, you legend. Told you I'd find them before you, lame arse. Let's do it. Let's do it. What? Now? Let's do it. What? Now? Why not? Aren't you meant to soak them in honey or boil them in tea? Aren't you meant to soak them in honey or boil them in tea? Or you just lick the undersides. Instant gratification. I can't. I can't. Hey? I can't. Hey? Got the people mover. Shit,... I actually just said that, didn't I? Told you ` you've changed, bro. Told you ` you've changed, bro. Come on, Dave. Told you ` you've changed, bro. Come on, Dave. Just a little lick. You guys go ahead. I'll wait in the car. Pussy. Pussy. More for us. Do you wanna come in? Do you wanna come in? God, no. Argh! Oh! You OK? You OK? Haven't been this nude in a long time. It's chafing a little. SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS WHISPERS: Hi. Oh, sorry. WHISPERS: Better late than never. MUSIC CONTINUES < Dear friends and family, we are here today to celebrate the life of Lucy Rossiter. Shit. Shit. GIRL SCREAMS > (SCREAMS) Leave me alone! Piss off! Piss off! Oi! Get off her, shitface. Piss off! Oi! Get off her, shitface. Oh my God, what are you doing, Dave? (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) It's all right. I've got him. It's all right. I've got him. Bruce, stop. It's all right. I've got him. Bruce, stop. (GRUNTS) Shit! Oh! (GROANS) Fendrake Stormbreaker! Out of play action! Out of play action! Eh? Out of play action! Eh? What's going on here? Princess Samara has the Orvengast Runes. Bruce's task was to liberate them for his clan. Attack using two-point dagger. Attack using two-point dagger. You have mortality armour. Rendered invisible ` he wasn't to know. Rendered invisible ` he wasn't to know. Uh,... hello? This guy was being very inappropriate. You've encountered a live-action role-playing campaign. The jerk was chasing her, and she was scared. The jerk was chasing her, and she was scared. Was not. I'm Miriam, game master. Sorry you stumbled upon this. I didn't stumble up... How is it OK for this dude to throw himself on top of a 16-year-old girl? It's pretty pervy, if you ask me. Real time. Scarlett,... you're 16? I'm 18. I'm 18. No, you're not. I'm 18. No, you're not. Shut up. This is an R18 larp group. You lied on your registration form? Oh, shit. You know what this means, Scarlett. You know what this means, Scarlett. Please, no. You know what this means, Scarlett. Please, no. We could vote to keep her in. The rules are clear ` Scarlett,... remove Samara's mortality combat armour. Resume play. Resume play. What's going on? Resume play. What's going on? Fendrake. As priest of the flaming sword, Archbishop of Clavordale, it falls upon Fendrake to commit our earth daughter, decoy to the Princess Samara, to the unknown realm of heroes. Pass these gates at the hands of those who campaigned with her. Pass these gates at the hands of those who campaigned with her. (GRUNTS) Uncursed broadsword ` hit points six. Elfin dagger ` hit points two. Elfin dagger ` hit points two. (GRUNTS, WHIMPERS) Elfin dagger ` hit points two. (GRUNTS, WHIMPERS) Crossbow ` aiming one, two. (WHIMPERS) So,... what just happened back there? They killed you? Yes. Yes. Until next week? Yes. Until next week? No, D-bag. Death is everlasting. It lasts forever. It lasts forever. I'm really sorry, Scarlett. No, you're not. I know you think they're all dorks and nerds. They were my friends ` my only friends. I hate you more than ever. Hey,... you're going the wrong way! That was lovely. I thought there might be a few more people here, given all her contacts on Trade Me. I guess maybe they didn't know. Thanks for coming. (SIGHS) If there's anything else I can do... Like what? Like what? Um, clear things out for you? You looking for another bargain? You looking for another bargain? Not at all. Someone's already offered to sell it and turf the rest. Someone's already offered to sell it and turf the rest. But... it's her collection. She's given away the best stuff already, apparently, to a certain person she didn't even know six months ago. Vulture. Hey! Hey! Oh my God. You OK? She thought I was taking advantage. Of course you weren't. Of course you weren't. It's... Of course you weren't. It's... Appalling and so unfair. Let's go and get a cup of tea. Let's go and get a cup of tea. CELL PHONE RINGS Uh, you better answer that in case it's the children. Uh, you better answer that in case it's the children. CELL PHONE RINGS Hi, there. Hi, there. Hello? Who is this? Who is this? (SOBS) Who is this? (SOBS) Jasmine? It's me, Stacey. Something terrible has happened. I` I might just go. I` I might just go. No. No. I` I might just go. No. No. I` I really just wanna be on my own. Not after` Not after` Cara,... honestly. Are you still there? Yes. I told Harry the good news, and then he told his family, and then guess what happened. I can't. They said that I had to stay away from him or that they would prosecute me. (SOBS) SOBS: Can you meet me, please? (PANTS) Scarlett! Scarlett! (SNIFFS) (YELLS, GRUNTS) (GROANS) (SPLUTTERS, PANTS) Scarlett! (PANTS) Jesus! (PANTS) (BREATHES HEAVILY) (BREATHES HEAVILY) Hey! Scarlett! (PANTS) For a person who does no sport, you are way fit. Brought your sword. Brought your sword. Stick it. Brought your sword. Stick it. (PANTS) Sorry. I thought I was helping. I thought I was helping. Just leave me alone. I thought I was helping. Just leave me alone. I'm not gonna do that,... mainly because your mum would kill me if I lost you. mainly because your mum would kill me if I lost you. Piss off! You can still hang out with your friends, right? Do other stuff? You can still hang out with your friends, right? Do other stuff? They don't do anything else. Really? Sorry. Look, we should get back. I can find my own way home. I can find my own way home. Hey. I can find my own way home. Hey. Aunt Julia! Oh, excellent (!) Fine, if you wanna g` What the shit? Let's go. Why did you say yes to this again? Because she was upset. Because she was upset. You are such a soft touch. Oh, here's your biffle now. Hey, guys. Thanks so much. You seem better. You seem better. Brave-facing. Come sit down. MUTED HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS Excuse me, are we taking your place? Eh? Eh? Oh. (CHUCKLES) Cara and Jen, I'd like you to meet Harry, my fiance. This is Harry? (CHUCKLES) This is Harry? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Puffin, this is Cara, who I've been telling you about. Oh, yes, yes. Well,... shall I get us all a drink? Sure. It has to be quick, though, because I have to get Harry back in time for dinner. To where? To where? To the nursing home. To where? To the nursing home. I'm sorry? Well, you know how I'm in part-time health care? Well, that's how Harry and I met. He proposed to me right after I gave him his very first bed bath. (GIGGLES) Gross. Gross. Yep. Who was that guy? Who was that guy? I don't know. What should we do about it? What should we do about it? I don't know, but... I know it's confusing. Let's not talk about it. Let's not talk about it. That's a solid plan. One question. Yeah? Yeah? What happened to your friends? Oh, crap! Oh, crap! TYRES SCREECH Is it still there? Oh my God, it is. If we don't get out of here alive` I love you too. I love you too. What? Ew, pussy. You all right? You all right? BOTH SCREAM Harry was so excited when I said yes, but then his daughter showed up for a surprise visit, which, believe me, hardly ever happens. How old are Harry's wee ones, exactly? Uh, Graham is in his early 50s, and Maureen's a little bit older, I think. How old is Maureen, Puffin? He might have gone to sleep. He might have gone to sleep. I hope it is asleep. She called me a gold-digging hussy and threatened to complain to the manager. But I don't care if I lose my job. I mean, you do think I'm right, don't you? Could we, um... Oh, it's fine. Puffin won't mind. Oh, it's fine. Puffin won't mind. No, really. DREAMY POP MUSIC PLAYS When you told me you wanted to marry someone older... When you told me you wanted to marry someone older... We just connect, you know? It's a little extreme. I thought you, of all people, would understand. I'm not marrying someone that I met at a rest home. At least I'm getting married. You do know that Dave will never propose? At least I'm getting married. You do know that Dave will never propose? That isn't the point. He will never commit ` to you or anyone. Stacey, losing Dave is not a reason to marry the first man who asks you. Harry loves me, and I am valuing myself like you said to. Harry loves me, and I am valuing myself like you said to. Stacey, I want to be sympathetic, but I think you're not doing this for the right reason. but I think you're not doing this for the right reason. How dare you?! It's not love; it's desperation. It's not love; it's desperation. Wow,... I thought that you were nice, but you're just jealous that I've found someone who's better than Dave. What a bitch. Stacey really is insane. I don't know why I bothered. Because you're too nice ` I told you. Stop taking on crazy and deluded women. What do you think? Is it making the right statement? What do you think? Is it making the right statement? It's nice. Can't you go home and change? I don't want Dylan to ask why I'm changing and where I'm going. It could get really awkward. I think this one might be more appropriate. You'd look hot whatever you wear. You'd look hot whatever you wear. Not trying to look hot. You'd look hot whatever you wear. Not trying to look hot. Only us... and Hawke's Bay's finest. Good lord. Good lord. (EXHALES) Hi, ladies. Hi, ladies. Phillip! Avert your eyes. I'm dressed now, OK? I'm dressed now, OK? Jen's borrowing something for a hot night out. (CHUCKLES) Not meant to be hot, but thanks, babes. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Hey, you have a good night. OK. OK. Have fun. Honestly, she's such a loose unit. What if there were children present? They're not here yet. Neither's Marion. They're not here yet. Neither's Marion. Is that such a bad thing? Get us some glasses, darling. I'm just a bit worried about her. Hey, sweetie,... how was your quest? Hey, sweetie,... how was your quest? Hi, team. Hey, sweetie,... how was your quest? Hi, team. Hi. Hi, Phillip. Scarlett,... your mother asked you a question. your mother asked you a question. I know that,... wench. Scarlett! Scarlett! She's... had a bit of a stink day. Really? She just gets ruder all the time. Sorry. Sorry. She might have her reasons. She's 16. It's time she stopped playing dress-ups and got some real interests. Like what? Like what? Boyfriends or drinking or something normal. That wasn't a hint, but thank you, darling. That wasn't a hint, but thank you, darling. My pleasure, as always. Would you like a wine, Dave? Would you like a wine, Dave? I'm good,... thanks. I'll go and talk to Scarlett. I'll go and talk to Scarlett. No, no, I'll go. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. I know. At least they're getting on. And what were you up to at 16? I actually did a lot of homework and stayed in my dorm. BOTH LAUGH BOTH LAUGH That is not the truth, and you know it. Maybe. But everyone's allowed some secrets, aren't they? You look... different. Can't wear this any more. I guess I'll have to chuck it. I guess I'll have to chuck it. Can't you sell it on Trade Me? How can you say that? This was Samara, and now she can never come back. What are we gonna do about her? What are we gonna do about her? Samara? Julia. It's bad enough at Riverhead, but if she keeps coming around... Julia. It's bad enough at Riverhead, but if she keeps coming around... < (LAUGHS FAINTLY) She's your aunt. She probably will. She's your aunt. She probably will. What are we meant to do? Nothing. What about Uncle Phil? What about Uncle Phil? Well, we could have got it wrong. What about Uncle Phil? Well, we could have got it wrong. We didn't. OK,... no one's gonna thank us if we tell Phillip ` not even Phillip. No, I'm not game to take on Julia. Ditto. I wish I'd never gone today. I wish I'd never gone today. It's my fault for screwing it up. I wish I'd never gone today. It's my fault for screwing it up. Yes, it is. You shouldn't bin those. I don't know what else to do with them. Well, she was awesome, and you don't put awesome in the rubbish, do you? Are you taking the piss? Are you taking the piss? No. And I do feel bad for the way it all turned out. MUTED CLUB MUSIC PLAYS MUTED CLUB MUSIC PLAYS Hi. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Great to see you again. Is that for me? Yes,... unless you want beer. No, wine's good. No, wine's good. Dylan likes wine, so that's great ` really great. Are you all right? Are you all right? Me? Fantastic. Fabulous. To be honest, I was surprised to hear from you. Yeah. A builder that calls straight away ` very strange. No. No, you're really nice and normal. We both like you a lot ` Dylan and me. (CHUCKLES) Look,... I'm, uh` I'm getting the feeling that you're, uh, suggesting something. I might be. I might be. (EXHALES) Do you want a threesome? Do you? Do you? Wow, you do want a threesome. We didn't know you wanted both of us. We didn't know you wanted both of us. I don't. Well, then why are you suggesting a threesome? Well, then why are you suggesting a threesome? (LAUGHS) I'm not. Then what are you suggesting? Then what are you suggesting? I had a job fall through. I thought you might want a quote. Oh! Oh! Yeah. I thought you might like Dylan. I don't. I mean, I do, but not like that. Nothing against gay dudes, but I don't wanna sleep with them. Neither do I. (CHUCKLES) I, uh` I thought there was something weird going on with you and your flatmate. And you still called me? And you still called me? Well, I need the work. Ah. And I'm, uh` I'm free tonight if you want me to come round and check things out. I brought you some dinner. Not very hungry. Where did you get to this afternoon? I, uh, drove around. Ended up at the beach. Just feeling,... you know,... 'What it's all about, Alfie?' It's very sad about Lucy and the way her daughter treated you. and the way her daughter treated you. As if my interests were venal. She was probably just threatened. Yes, well, people are always suspicious of interlopers. Dave doesn't have an agenda,... and he's not here because it's easier. I suppose. He thinks you don't like him. He thinks you don't like him. I don't, particularly,... but it doesn't matter. It does to Dave. You have your life. You're getting on with things. And one day, the kids will all be gone, and I'll be like Lucy. That's not true. 'Least she does have a daughter who cares... in her own way. I care. I know you do. TEARFULLY: I can't remember the last time I heard from Stewie. I go to so much effort on his behalf,... but what's the point? I can't see a point in anything, really. (SNIFFS) Not at the moment. (SOBS) POIGNANT GUITAR MUSIC Ha ha, got ya! Ha ha, got ya! It ain't over yet, mate. I'll get you back. MUSIC CONTINUES 1 2 DIAL TONE You've reached Stewie Gray at Greystoke Enterprises. Leave a message or text me, and I'll get right back to ya. Leave a message or text me, and I'll get right back to ya. CELL PHONE BEEPS Stewie, it's Cara. Everything's fine. Um, I just wanted to have a chat about your mum. I'm worried about her. A friend of hers passed away this week, and it's hit her hard. And it might be good if you could give her a ring sometime. Tomorrow would be good. Well, I... hope you're well. Bye. Would you like another drink? I think Dylan's asleep. WHISPERS: So, how is it? WHISPERS: So, how is it? WHISPERS: Yeah, loads of character. I'm loving these old kauri doors. Wait till you see the ceiling rose in my bedroom. Wait till you see the ceiling rose in my bedroom. (CHUCKLES) Wow,... Wow,... (CHUCKLES) Wow,... (CHUCKLES) ...that sounded so slutty. No, I, uh, love a good ceiling rose. You do? Yeah. Is that OK? Is that OK? That's... amazing. Scarlett, what are you wearing? Clothes. Clothes. I can see that. Are you OK, sweetheart? How are you feeling? How are you feeling? Excellent. (CHUCKLES) I had a call from Stewie. Marvellous. Marvellous. (CHUCKLES) Isn't it? He just called up out of the blue to check up on his mum. He's so thoughtful. He asked after you, Scarlett. He asked after everyone. We had a good, long chat. That's great. Uh, you go and get your shower, Cara. I'll do the lunches and get the kids off. Now, where are they? Um,... Jasmine? I was thinking about what you said. Cool. Cool. About Princess Samara deserving some kind of ritual ` closure. A proper farewell with due ceremony so that Samara may journey into the realm of light everlasting. I said that? I said that? I could do with your help. I said that? I could do with your help. OK. Cool. Well, I'll, uh,... get that quote for you. Cool. Well, I'll, uh,... get that quote for you. I'd like that. Hi. Uh, did you sleep OK? Yeah. Nathan just came in to measure up. Nathan just came in to measure up. Hey. You want coffee? I'd better move it. I'll call ya. I'd better move it. I'll call ya. Great. See ya. So,... did he measure up? Yes,... you could say that. That's fabulous. Are you OK? Are you OK? Fine. Look, I really hoped he'd be gay for your sake. Except... he wasn't. I know. I'm being a bitch. Oh no, you did like him. No, it's not that. It's just... This is gonna sound stupid. What? What? You know when your best friend gets a boyfriend? Then you don't hang out so much, and... I'd miss you. You don't have to miss me. You don't have to miss me. Ignore me. You don't have to miss me. Ignore me. I would never do that. And it was only sex. And you mean everything to me. You too, babe. Hey, Cara. I` I really need to get these inside. Look, I'm sorry for calling you a bitch and a cradle-snatching old lady. You called me that? You called me that? Not to your face. But I am really sorry. OK. OK. And you were right. In what way? It's over with me and Harry. Maureen wants him to move to a rest home in Whangarei. I see. I see. I said we could fight it, but he wanted to go, because they have a games night and housie on Tuesdays. Right. Right. He doesn't love me. But do you know who I blame for all of this? Um` Um` Dave. I'm damaged goods because of him. And I'm still not over him. Just give it some time. Just give it some time. (SIGHS, SNIFFS) Oh, don't cry. Oh, don't cry. No, I'm not. Wait,... (SNIFFS) is that smoke? Is something on fire? Stacey, what have you done? Stacey, what have you done? It wasn't me! I don't do arson any more. Loyal decoy, you'll be forever remembered for your unending bravery in your battle for justice for your mistress. What's going on? We're marking the passing of Princess Samara. Oh my God. Scarlett, is that your dress? Princess Samara is dead. Princess Samara is dead. That thing cost a fortune, and it took your gran six weeks to make. You never mentioned that. You never mentioned that. You were the one who told me not to bin it. So what now? So what now? My eulogy is complete. Should I say a few words? Should I say a few words? I don't think so, but thanks for the thought. And you're not actually a hedgeborn scut... or a goatish dolt. Thanks. What a bizarre couple of days. What a bizarre couple of days. I reckon. That creature. Yeah, well, she's gone now. It was a she? It was a she? Aren't you talking about Stacey? It was a she? Aren't you talking about Stacey? I'm talking about the Cyclops. Anyway, I did what I said. I collected the set. You said that about the all-girl band that played here last year. You said that about the all-girl band that played here last year. Ah, that's right. Legendary. I was talking about the kids ` how they all like me. I was talking about the kids ` how they all like me. So what's the secret to collecting the set? to collecting the set? Uh, well, it's` He pretended to like their music. He pretended to like their music. We still talking about the all-girl band? They really liked that wanky flair-tending carry-on, eh. Well, let's just say that... Scarlett and I have an understanding. Scarlett actually wore a pair of jeans today. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Maybe she'll let me` (CHUCKLES) Maybe she'll let me` GLASS SMASHES, PEOPLE LAUGH Stuff's for wankers, anyway. Stuff's for wankers, anyway. Just cos you can't do it. Wankers and posers. Liam! Wankers and posers. Liam! I used to love Cocktail. You'd like a cocktail? You'd like a cocktail? No, no, the film with Tom Cruise and` I have heard of it. (CHUCKLES) I have heard of it. (CHUCKLES) Oi. Mate, you are useless at that. I bet even my missus could do better than you. You reckon? You reckon? Yeah. You wanna put a wager on it? You wanna put a wager on it? 'Course not. You wanna put a wager on it? 'Course not. Sure, let's do it. Hey? I've seen Cocktail dozens of times, and you've heard the kids ` I really can juggle. School lunches and work and stuff. School lunches and work and stuff. No, for real. School lunches and work and stuff. No, for real. Right, how much we talking? If I do it, Dave will get the rest of the night off. And if you don't? And if you don't? He'll work an extra shift for free. And if you don't? He'll work an extra shift for free. Cara, what the shit? Bring it on, lady. No, this` No, this` Any breakages comes out of Dave's pay. What? What? Liam, grab your broom. OK,... (CLEARS THROAT) let's do it. Ooh! (COUGHS) Awesome. (LAUGHS) Awesome. (LAUGHS) Bloody hell. Awesome. (LAUGHS) Bloody hell. Shit. You little prick. This was a set-up. You little prick. This was a set-up. (LAUGHS) You little prick. This was a set-up. (LAUGHS) I had no idea. < PEOPLE WHISTLE, CHEER < PEOPLE WHISTLE, CHEER Whoo! I took a clown workshop because of this boy I liked. I took a clown workshop because of this boy I liked. That is so nerdy. But awesome. But awesome. Thank you. But awesome. Thank you. Set-up. Couldn't help myself. Couldn't help myself. That's my missus. Couldn't help myself. That's my missus. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, piss off, then. Yeah, piss off, then. (LAUGHS) So you really juggled? So you really juggled? In front of all those people? So you really juggled? In front of all those people? I did ` and not a bottle dropped. I told you she was awesome. I told you she was awesome. Shame. Double shame. Double shame. She was unbelievable. MARION SCREAMS > MARION SCREAMS > Marion. < Oh my God! < Oh my God! Gran? You guys just stay here. < Oh my God! Gran? You guys just stay here. No way. MARION AND MAN LAUGH MARION AND MAN LAUGH I can't believe it. I just don't believe it. (LAUGHS) Stewie. Gidday, Caz. After I talked to Mum, I thought, 'Bugger it, why not come visit?' (LAUGHS) Wow, look at you guys. Wow, look at you guys. (LAUGHS) Come and say hello to your father. Hi. Hi. Hi, Dad. Hi. Hi, Dad. Oh, look at you, you gorgeous girl. (GRUNTS) And you two ` so big. (WHISTLES) It's all right, mate. We got plenty of time to get to know each other, OK? And who's this? And who's this? Dave. Dave's my partner. Dave's my partner. Oh, right. Yeah, Mum did say something. Hey, mate. Pleased to meet you. Pleased to meet you. You too. Whoo! It's good to be home. Oh! Oh! (LAUGHS) Oh! (LAUGHS) Oh! (GRUNTS) > BITTERSWEET MUSIC Captions by Tom Wilson. Edited by Anne Langford. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014