1 SCREAMING (GRUNTS) What the shit? Gross. I didn't do anything. SCREAMING Stewie! Stewie! Whoo! It's good to be home. (SIGHS) Oh shit! Oh shit! Gidday, Caz. Oh shit! Gidday, Caz. What are you doing here? Mum's using the bathroom downstairs. Mum's using the bathroom downstairs. So? Mum's using the bathroom downstairs. So? I'm doing this for the kids. What does invading my bathroom got to do with the kids? Logan, me and Jaz, we're going to do some indoor climbing place at 9. Logan, me and Jaz, we're going to do some indoor climbing place at 9. Logan hates heights. Well, maybe it's time he manned up. Jesus. Jesus. Gidday, Dave-o. Hey, look, I hate to break this party up, but, um,... places to be, places to be. Oh God! Oh God! Sh...! Copyright Able 2014 But Logan does hate heights. This is ridiculous. He is ridiculous. You and Stewie have the same tattoo. What? What? He's got the same tattoo. We had them done when we got married. And I bet you he made Logan go climbing. The way he acts like he owns the place` And it doesn't bother you? And it doesn't bother you? Of course it does. He's arrogant and rude. The tat! The tat! What? The tat! What? The same as you. You and him. The same tattoo forever. You're not jealous. You're not jealous. Of him? (SCOFFS) Well, that's good, because I think I might actually... hate him. Then tell him to piss off. Then tell him to piss off. I would, but I don't want to upset the kids. We need to draw the line somewhere, and naked in our bathroom is crossing that line. I know! (WHINES) Forget the space invader. Let's go back to bed. Forget the space invader. Let's go back to bed. No, I can't. Why not? You can. < (SINGS OFF-TUNE) OK, so the soundtrack's not the best. OK, so the soundtrack's not the best. I gotta get to work anyway. Gotta do the books... with Jen. The boxes. GST. (MOANS) GST. (MOANS) You've got me. I don't think the IRD will take sex as an excuse. Me, accountant. You, client. But it's climbing, like,... rocks. It's way harder than that. It's way harder than that. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. We can do something else instead. We can do something else instead. Like shoot hoops? For sure. For sure. SINGS: Are we ready to knock the bastard off? Or we could shoot hoops with Dave. Or we could shoot hoops with Dave. Oh, come on, mate. You'll love it. And this is family time. OK. Hoops later? For sure. For sure. OMG! Shopping, here we come. We're climbing. We're climbing. Yeah, then we're shopping. We're climbing. Yeah, then we're shopping. Oh, we've got time to do everything. Hey, sleepyhead. Hey, sleepyhead. Scarlett, what do you say do your father? Nothing, because I don't speak to him. Nothing, because I don't speak to him. < You should answer him. And negate my vow of silence, and hell will be an icy pit before I change my mind. Weirdo. Weirdo. Traitor. Loser. Loser. And OK, let's get this show on the road. Bye, Dave. Catch you later, Dave-o. Dave-o? Don't you just hate him? Don't you just hate him? Oh, he's... irritating. Stop pretending like you don't hate his guts. Stop pretending like you don't hate his guts. OK, he's a dickwad, and I hate him. Thank God someone isn't buying into his bullshit. Your mum's not. Your mum's not. She's acting like everything's fine. When people are trying to keep the peace, they don't always tell the truth. So we're still not telling Mum about Julia? Correct. Correct. Because Julia would be able to hunt us down and kill us. It would upset your mum. It would upset your mum. It's still lying. It's not a lie. It's a strategic silence. A lie with a better name? A lie with a better name? Exactly. What's up? What's up? Cara's ex. Such an asshole. Yeah? Yeah? This morning, he was in the bathroom... naked. Jesus. Jesus. And I saw` Jesus. And I saw` Rolls of fat? Nah, he's in good shape. Nah, he's in good shape. Hairy back? Nah, he's in good shape. Hairy back? Not especially. Bald? Bald? Not at all. Bald? Not at all. What about the package, hung or no? Why would I look? Why would I look? Suss out the competition. Why would I look? Suss out the competition. He's not the compe` The point is... Cara was in there with him. Was she naked too? Was she naked too? No. Was she naked too? No. Good. That would have been suss. She hates the guy. She hates the guy. Then why is she watching him shower? She hates the guy. Then why is she watching him shower? She wasn't! Why would she do that? Old times? Old times? (SCOFFS) Old times? (SCOFFS) You're the one who's paranoid. I am not. But they've got the same tat. But they've got the same tat. Simple solution ` you get one too. Then I'd have the same tattoo as Stewie. When you wanted 'Yvette' tattooed on your shoulder, what did I say? When you wanted 'Yvette' tattooed on your shoulder, what did I say? Don't. I'm not talking about this. No, seriously, what did I say? I was real on to it. I can't remember. No, seriously, what did I say? I was real on to it. I can't remember. < Probably,... 'Careful. You'll have Yvette on you forever.' Someone should have told Cara exactly that. Someone should have told Cara exactly that. Don't worry, bro. He's old. You got youth on your side. SASSY MUSIC CLATTERING (SIGHS) (SIGHS) Hey, honey. Do you want a coffee? (SIGHS) Hey, honey. Do you want a coffee? Yes, please. Oh, I was just going to bring it through. No need for that. (GROANS) Did you sleep well? Did you sleep well? Yeah, fantastic. You forgot to take your earrings out. You forgot to take your earrings out. Oh, I was just so shagged. 'Tired' shagged. 'Tired' shagged. CELL PHONE BEEPS 'Tired' shagged. CELL PHONE BEEPS Oh shit. I'm late. (LAUGHS) Again. What are these? What are these? They are called IOUs. What are these? They are called IOUs. What are they even doing here? Sometimes I'm too busy to get to the bank, so I take some cash from the till. Do you pay it back? Do you pay it back? When I get around to it. Do you pay it back? When I get around to it. $380 of not getting around to it. It's not like I stole it. What about the clients who are ripping you off? What about the clients who are ripping you off? What clients? Rowena Higgins ` one massage, a dermabrasion and four on-site make-ups. The make-up was for her daughter's wedding, before her husband got laid off. Sue Mortimer ` two pedicures, four facial and a deluxe massage. Kaz Kominsky, Roland Bloom. Do these have sob stories? Kaz's partner left` Kaz's partner left` I don't want to hear it. It's a sad story. It's a sad story. The only sad thing here is your business practice. You treat, they pay. End of story. And no more borrowing from the till. I'll take some of this stuff with me and get back to you about the damage on the GST. See ya later. < BELL JINGLES < BELL JINGLES Wow, accounts Nazi. My partner would never talk to me like that. I know you're close, but Dylan's not your partner. Oh my God. I'm cheating on him. Who? Who? Dylan! You're sleeping with Dylan and another guy? You're sleeping with Dylan and another guy? No, just the other guy. How's that cheating? How's that cheating? Dylan and I,... we're really close, and after his big break-up, I can't hurt him. Jen, you're not in a relationship with Dylan. You're so lovely to your clients, and you never listen to me. You're so lovely to your clients, and you never listen to me. I am listening. I am not in love with Dylan! I am` I'm just feeling... bad. And this GST is not helping. Brrrm! Brrrm! Brrrm! Brrrm! Look what Dad got me. Wonderful. And I climbed right to the top of the wall and down and didn't get sick at all. Brrrm! That's great, honey. Hey, you're home. Hey, you're home. Yeah, yeah. I was just doing some work in our room. I thought you were a barman. I thought you were a barman. He's doing the books at the spa. I thought you were a barman. He's doing the books at the spa. Oh. Good one, Dave-o. I was thinking carbonara for dinner. I was thinking carbonara for dinner. Oh, we are so stuffed. We had pizza. I was thinking carbonara for dinner. Oh, we are so stuffed. We had pizza. And Coke! And look at this ` I have two skirts, two tops and this super-cool dress. Wow. Wow. And this is for you. Mum's been telling me about your role-play dress-up stuff, so... And this is the real deal, apparently. It is. Please tell my father what I think of his gift. CLATTERING CLATTERING It's rubbish. And so is he. I'm not larping any more. Scarlett! Scarlett! Your son's gifts are empty, and he will never buy my affection. That was appalling. What are you grinning for? That was appalling. What are you grinning for? I'm not. I appreciate you're spending time with the kids, finally. But cut down on the gifts, treats and the sugar. It's not their birthdays or Christmas, and it's over the top. Hey, it's just great to see them. Hey, it's just great to see them. Oh, that must be nice after all this time (!) Oh, Cara, please. How long are you gonna be here? How long are you gonna be here? I have no pressing reason to go back. What about Sandy? What about Sandy? Mandy? What about Sandy? Mandy? It's hard to keep up. We were together three years, but she's left me now. You got dumped? You got dumped? Yeah. You got dumped? Yeah. Oh, how very sad (!) It was, actually. Real kick in the guts. For God's sake, what do you expect from me? My sympathy? No. No. Good, cos you won't bloody get any. I know you're upset. But you have Dave now. So we'll just erase the past, pretend like it never happened? That you're not the biggest asshole in the Antipodes? You shit, you bastard` What's he done now? What's he done now? Nothing. What's he done now? Nothing. Nothing, darling. Are you OK, Mum? Are you OK, Mum? I am. I'm never gonna live down being the bad guy here. Maybe you should have thought about that eight years ago. Maybe you should have thought about that eight years ago. I'm gonna shoot hoops with Dave. That's great. That's great. Need someone else on your team? Sure. Sure. All right. Oh! Close. Oh! Close. Bummer. Try again. Oh! You can do it. Just like the climbing wall. You just need to work on your own. You just need to work on your own. You don't know what you're saying. Nah, nah, nah, mate. It's like this. Nah, nah, nah, mate. It's like this. BOTH: Ooh. Nah, nah, nah, mate. It's like this. BOTH: Ooh. It's like this. THUD! THUD! Ha! THUD! Ha! The sun was in my eyes then. What are you doing? What are you doing? Give me it. What are you doing? Give me it. It's alternate shots. (GRUNTS) Come on. Hoops up there, mate. Come on. Hoops up there, mate. Silver Ferns, mate. THUD! THUD! Big loser. THUD! Big loser. Hey, let's have a shoot-off. Bring it. How many are you thinking? Bring it. How many are you thinking? First to 10. Best man wins. Bring it. How many are you thinking? First to 10. Best man wins. Well, I know who that's gonna be. FUNKY STREET MUSIC (GROANS) Almost, Dave! Almost, Dad! One. One. Ooh (!) One. Ooh (!) I'll give you that one. BOTH GROAN BOTH GROAN Awesome! Is this in the rules? BOTH GRUNT, GROAN Hey, should we make it first to two? BOTH GRUNT, GROAN Ah! In your face! (PANTS) Did you see that, Logan? Logan? Good effort, mate. Will you win in the end, mate? 1 Lemonade? What's with that? I like it. I like it. Because it's cheap. It's no alcohol. It's no alcohol. No, this is a bar, not a dairy. Do you always bully your customers into buying drinks? Do you always bully your customers into buying drinks? How was your break with the porn? Why would this be porn? Why would this be porn? I keep my mags and folders in filing. You still do paper porn? You still do paper porn? Yeah. It's better than online. It's more personal. So, what was it, girl on girl? No, lonely woman walks into a bar, no underwear. It's not porn. It's not porn. Yeah, that's what they all say. It's not porn. Yeah, that's what they all say. A favour for a friend. GST return. Like accounting? Like accounting? Don't even` Like accounting? Don't even` It's true. Dave was an accountant. No way. No way. He's got an actual degree. Even had an actual job. Put in 12 months. Oh, I knew there was a reason I took you on board. You've already got an accountant. You've already got an accountant. Yeah, but she's killing me with these bills and outrageous demands, but me and you, we can make beautiful music together. We'd be like Luther Vandross back in the golden period. We'd be like Luther Vandross back in the golden period. Who? (SIGHS) Listen, I'll forgive your youthful ignorance if you just file my end-of-year for me. No. No. I'll pay you under the table. No. I'll pay you under the table. Take it. Accounting was a painful chapter in my life, and it's now closed. Accounting was a painful chapter in my life, and it's now closed. Apart from a bit of GST on the side. I only do it for my girlfriend now. You should come through and eat. You should come through and eat. I don't want to be around him. I shouldn't have gone off at him like I did. I lost it a bit, and it was stupid. No, it's fair enough. And I'm on your side. And I'm on your side. There shouldn't have to be sides. Mum, stop being so reasonable. He's a douche-lord. But if he wants to be here, it's good for Logan and Jasmine. As if they actually remember anything about him. Logan won't. Jasmine might. I've been thinking about back then, and I don't really remember him at all. Only you. He was working a lot. Well, tried to. I remember playing swingball and getting hit in the head, and then having ice cream. I thought it was him. Then I remembered it was Uncle Phil. Uncle Phil has always been amazing to you. Though back then he was just Julia's boyfriend. And we all thought he would get sick of her giving him the runaround. He really is too nice. (SNIFFLES) (SNIFFLES) It's OK, sweetheart. It's OK. It's OK. (SNIFFLES) It's OK. (SNIFFLES) What's wrong, honey? Nothing. (SNIFFLES) People can be so dishonest sometimes. I think your dad genuinely wants to get to know you guys. I think your dad genuinely wants to get to know you guys. Well, I don't want to know him. The final figure is $9239.45. Yes! (GASPS) That's amazing! Yes! (GASPS) That's amazing! BOTH LAUGH EXCITEDLY You don't get the money. That's what you pay to the IRD. You don't get the money. That's what you pay to the IRD. No. Oh my God. Paying GST is a good thing. Paying GST is a good thing. How is handing over nine grand to the IRD good? If you pay them, it means you're in profit. If they pay you, it's bad. If you pay them, it means you're in profit. If they pay you, it's bad. I like it when people pay me. The main point is to get the payment in by the 29th so you won't get hit with penalties and interests. Which account is your GST in? We` We just have the one account. Mm. Mm. You don't have $9000 in it. Well, we did, but then we had to pay ACC. That was such a bummer. That was such a bummer. You're two grand short. That was such a bummer. You're two grand short. I don't have two grand. Or even one. Or even one. It'll be OK. Don't worry. I can cover it. You shouldn't have to use your own money. You shouldn't have to use your own money. CASH REGISTER DINGS I can shout you an ice cream. Thank you. Oh, you mean the GST. Look, Jen's a bit hopeless, but she'll pay me back. Do you have spare cash? Do you have spare cash? God no. Every cent goes into groceries, mortgage and the kids. I should be paying more rent. Worse comes to worse, I'll just stick it on my credit card. Worse comes to worse, I'll just stick it on my credit card. But then you'll be paying interest. It won't be the worst thing. It won't be the worst thing. Interest is the work of banks and the devil, and you never go near it. This accounting thing is a whole new side to you. You don't have to put in on your card. I have the money. About two grand saved for my OE. I couldn't do that. I'm not going overseas until Azza saves up the cash, and that's not happening, so why not spend it? Do you like that? Not really. No, no, no. You can't buy it. I won't let you. No, no, no. You can't buy it. I won't let you. I want to. I want to. Hi. Fancy seeing you here. Fancy seeing you here. (LAUGHS) Fancy seeing you here. (LAUGHS) Chances, eh? Uh, gift-wrapped. Thanks. Yeah. Nice. Nice. My mother. It's her birthday. You're a kind son. They are gorgeous. I would like to buy that pendant in the window. You can't. You can't. Can so. You can't. Can so. Very kind boyfriend. Partner, actually. ALL LAUGH AWKWARDLY PASSIONATE MOANING (MOANS PASSIONATELY) (MOANS PASSIONATELY) (PANTS) (MOANS) (MOANS) Wow. (MOANS) Wow. (PANTS) You're really going for it. You're really going for it. I had to get my mind off the IRD. Not a sexy thought, but I'll take it. Not a sexy thought, but I'll take it. CELL PHONE RINGS (GROANS) Leave it. (GROANS) Leave it. RINGING CONTINUES BEEP! BEEP! Hi. BEEP! Hi. Hey. Are you at the gym? Yeah. You so got me. Just wondering if you're gonna be home tonight. I'm gonna cook. Just wondering if you're gonna be home tonight. I'm gonna cook. I'll definitely be there. Look forward to it. Bye. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! What's the big deal? BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! What's the big deal? Oh, it's just a client. Urgent wax... situation. On a Sunday? I'm on call. And, uh,... after your emergency, you could come back. Sure. Julia's here. Oh. Oh. Hello. Just thought I'd call around. Phillip's at golf. Great. Great. Nice. Thanks. Dave got it for me. Hmm. Hmm. That's weird. Nice earrings. Well, I just thought I would treat myself. So, Stewie's still here? Yeah. I was on the phone to Marion, and she was crying about how marvellous he's been. So, why is he really here? To see the kids. To see the kids. Or he could be after the house. To see the kids. Or he could be after the house. No. Look, I know it might not look like much, but property is still property, and when people split, things always get messy. and when people split, things always get messy. But it's been eight years. A new relationship is always the flashpoint, then it's all... lawyers and restraining orders. Julia. Hey. Stewart. Stewart. Ooh, you're looking well. Stewart. Ooh, you're looking well. You too. Where are Jaz and Logan? Where are Jaz and Logan? Oh, they're setting up the new badminton set. So, how's Australia treating you? Not bad. It's not the lucky country for nothing. I didn't know NZers could get the dole there. (CHUCKLES) Actually, I have been sitting around a bit at the moment. Unemployed again? Unemployed again? No, I just sold my importing business. Too good an offer to turn down. Too good an offer to turn down. I suppose a bit of extra cash can be helpful. More than a bit ` six zeroes. Really? Really? Money stuff. It's boring. Don't be so modest. Stewie's doing really well for himself. Well, congratulations. I didn't think you had a head for business. People surprise, huh? People surprise, huh? You should come over while you're here and see Phillip. Oh, I'd love to. How is he? Oh, I'd love to. How is he? He's great. He's, uh, still in banking. Investments. Could be the man I need to talk to. Could be the man I need to talk to. You've got to make the most of opportunities, don't you? Why are you all over him? You used to call him Screwy Stewie because of his girlfriends. I did not. He only got rich when he left Mum and ran off to Australia, which still sucks` Scarlett, I've had enough of your rudeness. Apologise to your father. Scarlett, I've had enough of your rudeness. Apologise to your father. I don't think of him as my father. And I don't see why you're sucking up to him when he left you too. You're all hypocrites and liars. What's gotten into her? She's not normally like that. What's gotten into her? She's not normally like that. She kind of is. I can't believe that you're letting her get away with this outrageous behaviour. I never called you Screwy Stewie. But I am seriously starting to worry about that girl's mental health. I know you're upset, but it's not fair to take it out on your gran. I know you're upset, but it's not fair to take it out on your gran. The way she's sucking up to him. Marion loves her son, and she can't help that. Marion loves her son, and she can't help that. I meant Julia. You know what she's like. You know what she's like. (SNIFFLES) This is worse than her being a snob, going on about Uncle Phil when she doesn't even care about him. going on about Uncle Phil when she doesn't even care about him. Of course she does. I saw her with a man. I'm sorry? I'm sorry? She was kissing him. No. No. She was, Mum. I keep thinking about Uncle Phil, who is so lovely, and how it's so unjust. You might have got it wrong. You might have got it wrong. No, I didn't. Dave said we shouldn't tell you. He did? He did? Especially not when you're so messed up about Dad. I'm fine. I'm fine. No, you're not. And I hate him, and Julia too. You shouldn't have to take this on, OK? You're 16. You're 16. The real world sucks, Mum. People suck. I know she tries her best, but she has taken her eye off the ball. I know she tries her best, but she has taken her eye off the ball. We all know why, don't we? Mm, he's nice enough. But you only have to look at Demi Moore to see how that's gonna end... up. I was just talking about my... friend from work. friend from work. You weren't. You're all welcome to your opinions, but I'd appreciate it if you stopped bad-mouthing Dave. Especially you. Especially you. Is Scarlett gonna apologise? Especially you. Is Scarlett gonna apologise? When she's ready. Well, that's reading the Riot Act. Well, that's reading the Riot Act. You and I need to sort some things out once and for all. OK. OK. I promise I won't shout. Much. Well, there's an offer I can't refuse. Well, there's an offer I can't refuse. We won't be too long. Fine. Fine. Bye. Wouldn't it be nice if they could let bygones be bygones? Wouldn't it be nice if they could let bygones be bygones? Hm. Really would. Ooh. Hey, Betty and Az asked us over. I can't. I'm getting a coffee with Stewie. I can't. I'm getting a coffee with Stewie. See you Dave-o. When you first left me, you broke my heart, and that was devastating and awful. I know. I know. But what was worse is you broke Scarlett's heart, and she was only a little girl. and she was only a little girl. I get that she doesn't like me. and she was only a little girl. I get that she doesn't like me. She doesn't trust men. Or grown-ups, really. No wonder she likes living in a fantasy world with heroes and knights. But she's stopped all that now. But she's stopped all that now. It's a shame. I think it made her feel better. And this is my fault? And this is my fault? No. And me being angry with you doesn't help either. OK, Caz. I was a selfish shit. I'm not gonna argue with that one. I'm not gonna argue with that one. I just felt trapped. Like I couldn't breathe. The whole thing of being married, struggling to make ends meet, and then another baby. I felt like I was letting you down. I felt like I was letting you down. And then you did. And not just me. I know. I know. Why didn't you stay in contact with the kids? Once I'd lost touch, it was just easier that way. I know it's not noble or admirable, but it's the truth. I know it's not noble or admirable, but it's the truth. Why are you here? Really? To see Mum. And you did call me. But you're still here. But you're still here. I got a lot of making-up to do. But you're still here. I got a lot of making-up to do. So, it's, um,... not about Dave? No, I'm really happy for you. No, I'm really happy for you. (SCOFFS) Really? Because you keep giving him a bit of ribbing. I can't help it. He's so serious. But people are in their 20s, I guess. I'm sorry. Look, it was more like... Mandy had gone, I'd sold the business, and... I just felt empty. Like it was time to face up to my demons. We're your demons? We're your demons? No. Me, being a coward. I had to man up. And I'm glad that I did, because the kids, they're amazing. You've done such a great job. Your mum's done heaps as well. Your mum's done heaps as well. You're always too generous. Your mum's done heaps as well. You're always too generous. (SCOFFS) Not always. And with Scarlett, I deserve whatever she wants to chuck at me. Same with you. I could do some damage. I could do some damage. Go for your life. Stab away. (LAUGHS) Let's call it a truce instead. Deal. More chips? More chips? Nah, I'm good. He's still thinking about what's going on with Cara and the ex. He's still thinking about what's going on with Cara and the ex. Nothing's going on. She hates him. I hated Azza at first, but I still wanted to bang him first. I hated Azza at first, but I still wanted to bang him first. No, I hated you. Knob-stain, I hated you. Excuse me, I thought you were the biggest bitch I'd ever met. Excuse me, I thought you were the biggest bitch I'd ever met. Oh, give it a rest, you two. But you're right to worry, because it's way easy to do an ex. But you're right to worry, because it's way easy to do an ex. Not me. I never go back. Oh, you should try it. Sometimes, the sex is even better. Pass. And Cara would never get back with Stewie. But does he want to get back with her is the more important question. Bullshit. Just putting it out there. Just putting it out there. Well, put it back, because it's not happening. I hope this is all right. I'm sorry I deserted you today. I'm sorry I deserted you today. You went to the gym. That's important. That's right. It is. UNCERTAINLY: Mmm. It's awful, isn't it? It's awful, isn't it? No. It's awful, isn't it? No. < You don't have to lie. It's one thing I love about us. We're always honest. Yeah. Dinner's nearly ready, if you want some. Is Julia still here? Is Julia still here? She's gone. Look, people make mistakes sometimes. Like Julia, maybe. And your dad. I'm not saying sorry to either of them. You don't have to. But sometimes, if you forgive someone, it's better than hating them. How does that work? How does that work? It gives you power, because you're in control. Are you saying that I have to? Are you saying that I have to? No. They're your feelings. It's up to you. But I want you to know I'm OK with your dad. And Julia you can leave to me. WATER RUNNING Hey. Sorry, I got tied up. So it was a full-body wax? Actually, my flatmate was having a few problems. Actually, my flatmate was having a few problems. The Dylan guy? Yeah. Who's, uh,... gay? Yeah, he is. So you have nothing to worry about. Pick up 10. Pick up 10. STEWIE: Oh! You guys are killing me. I don't have enough hands. > (LAUGHS) Uh, last card. She's gonna win. She's gonna win. I think I might just do that. She's gonna win. I think I might just do that. We have to stop her. Someone. Don't think I can. Don't think I can. Someone with an ace could change the suit if they wanted. Logan, do it. Logan, do it. Change it to hearts. Last card. Pick up five, and don't even think about what you've done. Pick up five, and don't even think about what you've done. ALL LAUGH You swine. You swine. Well played, my man. Hi, everyone. Hi, everyone. Hey. Hi, everyone. Hey. You wanna play cards, Dave? I'm fine. Night. See you soon. See you soon. Come on, guys. A fast game's a good game. Oh, I win! How did you do that? > CELL PHONE BEEPS CELL PHONE BEEPS Are you all right? How was the hot coffee date? It wasn't a date. I had to sort things with Stewie. It wasn't a date. I had to sort things with Stewie. Why? Because I don't want Scarlett to think that she has to be responsible for all this grown-up bullshit. So when were you gonna tell me about Julia? Scarlett caved? Scarlett caved? She's worried. But has she got it right? Oh, yeah. Your sister's doing the dirty. Oh, yeah. Your sister's doing the dirty. But why? And who with? You are gonna freak. It was Miserable Michael. No! No! Oh, yes. No! Oh, yes. (GASPS) Those earrings he bought? She was wearing them. She was wearing them. Oh, so it's still going? Ew. Ew. Yeah. Me and Scarlett were pretty gross when we found out. (SIGHS IN DISBELIEF) (SIGHS IN DISBELIEF) Are you not mad at me? (SIGHS IN DISBELIEF) Are you not mad at me? I'm mainly worried about Julia. Hey, buddy. She's not talking to you either. She's not talking to you either. (SCOFFS) I'm just making up a new character. I'm just making up a new character. Oh, you came back into larping? Cool. Is it be better to be a noble with wealth, lands and status, or a peasant with the power to read minds? or a peasant with the power to read minds? (IMITATES BUZZER) Noble. I'm talking all minds. Even animals. I'm talking all minds. Even animals. Mind-reading peasant. But a rich noble could hire a mind-reading peasant. Nobles are never cool. Nobles are never cool. They could be. Peasants rule. Peasants rule. But if a noble wanted, he could lock up a peasant or chop off his head. Then he wouldn't be reading minds at all, would he? Yeah, well, still Team Peasant. Yeah, well, still Team Peasant. Give the noble mind-reading powers, then he'd be unstoppable. It's a thought. It's a thought. Right, better move. Catch you guys later. See ya. (MOUTHS) So you're talking to him now. So much for your vow of silence. So much for your vow of silence. I can be magnanimous to mere mortals. You don't have to be! You don't have to be! But it gives me the power. You broke our agreement. You broke our agreement. About what? You broke our agreement. About what? The Julia thing. Strategic silence. This is real stuff, Dave. Not some kids' pinky promise. And I'm trying to decide my noble attributes, so can you...? Hi. Hi. Hey, there. Uh, this is awkward, but you're Jen's flatmate, so you'd know. Know what? Know what? Has she got someone else? Know what? Has she got someone else? Someone else? Yeah. Is she, um... does she have a boyfriend or something? Yeah. Is she, um... does she have a boyfriend or something? She hasn't seen anyone since you. Excuse me? Excuse me? She likes being single. Sorry, mate. But she's not single. But she's not single. She is, I promise. No. No. Who is she seeing? You're kidding? You're kidding? Why would I be kidding? We're together. We're together. Who are? We're together. Who are? Jen and me. Oh. Are you sure? I know we've been happy to run a tab in the past, but we do really need you to pay. Won't be a moment. Hello? Hello? Credit call? Credit call? How'd you know? Credit call? How'd you know? I've done a few of them in my time. Right. Now, how can we help? Right. Now, how can we help? Oh, I'm just here to see Cara. I'm Stewie. The Stewie. The Stewie. I am indeed the agent of all evil. The Stewie. I am indeed the agent of all evil. I didn't mean it like that. Hi. Hi. Can I have a moment? Everything OK? Everything OK? Great. I don't know what you said to Scarlett, but she's finally spoken to me. Wow. Wow. I know. And, Cara, I probably owe you some money. No. No. Come on. There must be stonking back payments on child support. I never asked you for anything. And for a while,... hey, look, I thought I was dodging a bullet, but... now I can afford to pay my debts. So how's about I write you a cheque? I did a little sleuthing, and Stewie really does have money. (SQUEALS) I know. He offered me some. How much? How much? Julia! How much? Julia! What? Don't be bought off cheap. I know how gullible you can be. And you can get yourself something nice. A label for once. Mmm. Mmm. Are you on with Michael? (LAUGHS) Don't be ridiculous. So you haven't seen him recently? Oh, run into him once or twice. This is a really good salad. Oh, run into him once or twice. This is a really good salad. Julia. How did you know? Um,... Dave and Scarlett, they saw you at the vineyard. Dave and Scarlett, they saw you at the vineyard. Oh my God. I just want to know what's going on. I just want to know what's going on. She's a teenager, and he's not exactly reliable. And he works at a bar. And he works at a bar. That isn't the point. They gossip! That's what bartenders do. Yeah, what are you doing? And what about Phillip? Yeah, what are you doing? And what about Phillip? (SIGHS) Look, I know. I, look` I` I feel awful. But we've been going through a bad patch. But Phillip loves you. But Phillip loves you. I know. I know. And it's over with... Michael. Is it? Is it? Well, it will be. Julia, I'm not judging, but I just want to make sure you're OK. Well, it's nice that you care. But if you'd taken to Michael in the first place, this never would have happened. I got them to hold the onion and the mayo. I got them to hold the onion and the mayo. God, you're so sweet. After Nathan came around, I thought we should talk. After Nathan came around, I thought we should talk. He did? Why did he do that? You are in a relationship. That's what he said. You are in a relationship. That's what he said. Kind of. We're not... We're not, like, super close or anything. It's a good thing. But you didn't like him. He's cute. He's cute. You said you were sort of jealous. Jen, there's something that I haven't told you that I need to. OK. OK. I think... I might be in love. Oh, wow. Really? Me too. Me too. Oh my God. That is so great. Me too. Oh my God. That is so great. I know, it is so weird. He came into the shop, like, two weeks ago, and he asked me out for coffee` Hold on. Who? Hold on. Who? Alec. Hold on. Who? Alec. Alec is who you're in love with? I know he was a bastard before` I know he was a bastard before` Didn't he move in with someone else? I know he was a bastard before` Didn't he move in with someone else? That was a disaster, apparently. We had coffee, and... he was in tears. Jen, it's like we never broke up. I didn't want to tell you in case I hurt your feelings. I didn't want to tell you in case I hurt your feelings. You're not. (HIGH-PITCHED) At all. At all. At all. And you're with Nathan, and you didn't want to hurt my feelings. We're such dicks, aren't we? We're such dicks, aren't we? We sure are. Well, now we can both be out about our relationships. Come here. Mm. Well, now we can both be out about our relationships. Come here. Mm. Mm. (SOBS) (SOBS) BELL JINGLES Jen? I am so screwed. Honey, it's just GST. No. Dylan's found someone else. His old boyfriend. Oh, sweetheart. You did fall for him. Oh, sweetheart. You did fall for him. And it's so bad. Every other boyfriend I could just walk away and not see them again. But he's not your boyfriend. But he's not your boyfriend. Stop being so rational! But he's not your boyfriend. Stop being so rational! Sorry. And now, I have to go home every day, and we have to pay the mortgage together. And I couldn't afford the groceries, so I promised him a free wax. And I couldn't afford the groceries, so I promised him a free wax. Do you want me to do the wax? No. (SOBS) Cos then he'd ask me why I'm not doing the wax, and I'd have to say, 'Because it's too painful to touch you.' And then he'd ask why, and` OK, shh, Jen. OK, shh, Jen. And I have to be happy to see him with someone else. But on the upside, you still have Nathan. But on the upside, you still have Nathan. (CRIES HYSTERICALLY) What's going on? What's going on? I am making my signature dish ` lasagne. Actually, it's all I really make apart from pancakes. Actually, it's all I really make apart from pancakes. That's so sweet of you. My God. What happened here? My God. What happened here? Dave's making lasagne. My God. What happened here? Dave's making lasagne. Well, we're off out. There's a new Thai fusion place. Thought we'd see if it's the real dealio. Stewie spent some time in Thailand. Stewie spent some time in Thailand. Oh, I'll bet. Stewie spent some time in Thailand. Oh, I'll bet. Right. Let's go, girls. Well, you guys have a good one. Right, let's move out. Move out. Bye. Bye. See you guys. I have sketches for my new costume. I have sketches for my new costume. Oh, I can't wait to whip up a pattern. Awesome. Scarlett's changed her tune. Scarlett's changed her tune. Yeah, it's a good thing, really. He is still her father. What's happening with your GST? What's happening with your GST? I'm putting it on the credit card until I hit up the debtors. Cara, no. Cara, no. Look, you offered me money. Stewie offered me money` He did? How much? Quite a lot. But I'm not gonna take it from either of you. But I'm not him. But I'm not him. I know. But I don't want to feel beholden, and I got this far on my own. You're not on your own. You're with me. You're not on your own. You're with me. I can't take your life savings. And I want us to be partners. Equal. And you made me lasagne, and you got me the nicest gift ever. 'And Evil Suit Men are chasing after Super Muso Man, 'who turns and destroys them with his killer lick from the '80s.' What's Super Muso Man gonna do? What's Super Muso Man gonna do? Well, he's down, but he's never out. And in this world, you gotta fight to survive. It's survival of the fittest. And Super Muso Man's got a gym membership. Well, I'll source the brocade tomorrow, and we're back in business. Thank you, Gran. Thank you, Gran. Oh, a pleasure as always. Night-night, darling. Oh, Scarlett. Night, sweetie. Night, sweetie. (CHUCKLES) Good to see she's back to her old self. Oh, it's so lovely having everybody together again. Yeah. Yeah. Good old Super Muso Man. His amp always goes up... to 11. (PLAYS AIR GUITAR) I'll, um... I'll leave you to it, and, uh, head off downstairs to bed. Goodnight. Goodnight. Alone at last. Ah, the romance (!) Alone at last. Ah, the romance (!) Yeah, she's not subtle, is she? Look, Stewie. About the money. I thought about it, and I appreciate the offer. I'm serious. I'm serious. If you want to help, it should go to a trust for the kids' education. I've been worrying about them all getting into debts. I've been worrying about them all getting into debts. That's a great idea. Really? Really? Yeah. I'll set it up for ya. OK. Great. Do you want a cup of tea or anything? Oh, I should probably go. Don't want to disturb Mum. Goodnight. Night. You haven't got a snowball's, mate. You haven't got a snowball's, mate. Why not? The only reason a man would willingly hand over cash to his ex is if he wanted her back. He might have a point. Vodka tonic, thanks. What kind of guy gives a woman money if there isn't a root involved? What kind of guy gives a woman money if there isn't a root involved? She doesn't want him or his money. She's got me. She's got me. Oh, that is so sweet. You mean deluded. You mean deluded. Yeah, I do. And in the end, she's gonna crack. Why? Because women only want one thing. Sex. Sex. No. Your wallet. Can you get this, Az? Can you get this, Az? Yeah. Exhibit A, point in case right there. Yes, it's all sexy times now. Soon you'll be paying through the nose for that privilege. Soon you'll be paying through the nose for that privilege. OK, I'm on a break. Yeah, that's right, mate. Run. Run while you still can. MUSIC PLAYS DISTANTLY, PLATES CLATTER You're late. You're late. I was at the gym. You're late. I was at the gym. CELL PHONE RINGS Phillip Deering. Dave. Good to hear from you. Dave? Dave? Yeah, now is a good time, as it so happens. No, it's not. No, it's not. It's fine. What about dinner? What about dinner? I've already had it. Urgent and confidential? That does sound juicy. Don't talk to Dave. I forbid you. Don't talk to Dave. I forbid you. Hold on. Julia, I know you're not a fan, but Dave just wants some advice about a finance company. I see. I see. OK, my man. Fire away. Just came to pick up my stuff. Just came to pick up my stuff. Go for your life. We're off to see our WINZ case officer. See ya later. See ya later. What do we say if he wants to put us on part-time catering? BETTY: Nut allergies? > BETTY: Nut allergies? > Brilliant. > FUNKY MUSIC (GRUNTS) MUSIC CONTINUES (EXHALES NERVOUSLY) Hey. Hey. Hi. Hey. Hi. Mwah. Didn't know you were coming. Didn't know you were coming. Jen needs a bit of cheering up. She, uh... She got dumped by text. Honestly. How rude? Who is this guy? Nathan. But it's my own fault. I was sneaking around. Right. Right. Hey! Right. Hey! Hey. Honestly, did we have to come here? Honestly, did we have to come here? Yes, we did. And did you do what you were going to do? 'Course I didn't. Can we not talk about that, please? 'Course I didn't. Can we not talk about that, please? About what? Hello, ladies. What's the celebration? Hello, ladies. What's the celebration? Hey. GST, and our new business direction ` no more freebies or borrowing from the till. That does sound wise. My shout, then. That does sound wise. My shout, then. No, no, no, no. Let me. Really? Really? What's so strange about that? You never buy drinks. You never buy drinks. I do so. How did it go? How did it go? It looks promising. They're being furtive. What's he saying? They're being furtive. What's he saying? He's just ordering a drink. OK. So, how are things with your scrummy gay flatmate? (SOBS) (SOBS) Honestly, I didn't say anything rude. I didn't mention her dump of a house. Poor Jen. I just wish she'd meet someone nice. What's going on? What's going on? There's something I want to say. What's going on? There's something I want to say. Dave? I have a job. I know you do. (LAUGHS) I know you do. (LAUGHS) In an office. As a junior financial controller. Phillip knows the company and got me an interview, and I can start in two weeks. What about the bar? What about the bar? Even on a good tip week, the pay's not great, and it'll never go up. That doesn't matter. That doesn't matter. I want to pay for groceries and filling up people movers. But` But` And I don't work nights, so I get more time with you and the kids. But you hate accounting. But you hate accounting. That was back then. You don't have to do this. You don't have to do this. No. You see, I want to. So let me. You... are... amazing. amazing. So are you. ALLURING MUSIC CLATTERING > WHISPERS: Shit. WHISPERS: Shit. Dave-o. How's it hanging? What are you doing? What are you doing? I couldn't sleep. Didn't want to disturb Mum, so... I think we need to put a date on how long you're here for. I think we need to put a date on how long you're here for. I've decided not to go back. Maybe you should find somewhere else to stay. Maybe you should find somewhere else to stay. In case you didn't know, this is my house. this is my house. The one you left? Along with Cara and the kids. Not really any of your business. And we're moving on from that, me and Cara. Only because she's too kind. She's all of that and more. She's all of that and more. Don't act like you care. We were married for longer than you've been around. And she's a great person. Well, things have changed, so get used to it. Well, this is my house. It's my family. So maybe you should get used to that, Dave-o. Captions by Amy Park. Edited by Virginia Philp. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014