Gidday, Davo. Gidday, Davo. Oh! He's a dick. I hate him. Dave was an accountant. Accounting was a painful chapter in my life, and it is now closed. Well, this is my family. I have a job as a junior financial controller. FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS, PEOPLE CHEER (EXCLAIMS) Hey! Whoo-hoo! CHEERING I'm responsible for monthly financial closings for the clients. Balance sheets, profit-loss analysis. Sounds like a thrill a minute (!) Sounds like a thrill a minute (!) I'm thinking long term. It's what I do. Long-term misery? Long-term misery? I'm not gonna be pouring drinks behind a bar when I'm 40. That'd be` exactly what you do, which is fine. exactly what you do, which is fine. I don't even give a stuff. I replaced you like that. A flaming what? A flaming what? Flaming white. A flaming what? Flaming white. Is that actual flames? Cos I singed my eyebrows in my first shift. They've only just grown back. Cos I singed my eyebrows in my first shift. They've only just grown back. You'll be back, Dave. Once that office job sucks your will to live, you'll be at my door. Once that office job sucks your will to live, you'll be at my door. Yeah, right. Are you really leaving? Are you really leaving? Yeah. Are you really leaving? Yeah. Sad. Who are those oversexed adolescents talking to Dave? Probably friends. He has friends. Probably friends. He has friends. You don't feel insecure? Probably friends. He has friends. You don't feel insecure? Not at all. You'll never guess who came to work. You'll never guess who came to work. Who? You'll never guess who came to work. Who? Miserable Michael. Oh God, is he as miserable as ever? Quite the opposite. You'll be pleased to know that he's found someone. Good news. Good news. Brilliant. Hey, where's my lychee vodka soda? Who has he found? Who has he found? Who cares? Who has he found? Who cares? Don't you? Why would I care? (CHUCKLES) You've only spent forever trying to hook him up with someone. (CHUCKLES) You've only spent forever trying to hook him up with someone. You are needed no more, darling. He's never been happier. This is outrageous. They must be growing the lychees. I'm gonna go check. I'm gonna make sure she doesn't get anyone fired. Even Miserable Michael has found someone. Sometimes I feel like the only singleton in the world. I thought you liked being single. I thought you liked being single. I liked it when I wasn't living with a couple. MEN CHUCKLE Copyright Able 2014 Excuse me. Stop. Excuse me. Need that. That was horrible. That was horrible. That was appalling. That was horrible. That was appalling. What was Michael playing at? What are you playing at? What are you playing at? What?! Me? Me? It's not still going on? No. No. You're lying. How did you know? How did you know? The eye flick, like when I used to ask if you'd used my make-up. I'm not a teenager, Cara. I'm... I'm in trouble. I'm in trouble. Well, yeah. I've tried. I have tried to break it off with Michael, but he just` he... he says he loves me. Oh my God, you're not falling for him? Oh my God, you're not falling for him? No. I... I'm fond of him, but I` I love Phillip. God, if anything, this whole thing has made me realise that. I'm so stupid. End it with Michael properly this time. End it with Michael properly this time. I will. I will. Please, because every time I look at Phil, I just feel awful. Please, because every time I look at Phil, I just feel awful. How do you think I feel, Cara? I am awful. And I'll do it. Right now. Right now. OK. OK. Oh, sorry. That was awkward. That was awkward. What's that? Julia and Phillip. It's getting messy. Julia and Phillip. It's getting messy. There you go, Dave. Farewell smack in the head from me. Farewell smack in the head from me. You do know I start work at 8.30 tomorrow? Oh, in the morning? Jeez. You go for it. Good man. Good man. Yowzah! Good on ya, mate. I might head off. I don't want Marion to be up too late. I don't want Marion to be up too late. HOARSELY: I won't be long. Is Julia OK? Course. Yeah, she's just, um,... doing her make-up. CELL PHONE RINGS CELL PHONE RINGS Ah. (CHUCKLES) Hello, gorgeous. Hello, gorgeous. Hello. Hello, gorgeous. Hello. Just thinking about you. About maybe we should get together later on tonight. About maybe we should get together later on tonight. I don't want to see you any more. That wasn't the vibe I got this morning when you` What the hell were you thinking talking to my husband? What the hell were you thinking talking to my husband? We had a business meeting. Why weren't you discussing business instead of how in love you are? Why weren't you discussing business instead of how in love you are? I am in love. Michael! I love Phillip, and the fact you were talking to him about me, you were making a fool of him. You're the one making a fool of him. You're the one making a fool of him. How dare you?! Don't call me again. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Good luck, Dave. Let me know how it goes. Good luck, Dave. Let me know how it goes. Oh, thanks, bro! Oh! (CHUCKLES) Mmm. I still can't believe he has a real job. I still can't believe he has a real job. I won't be too late. Oh yes, he will. Oh yes, he will. (EXCLAIMS) Have a great time! Have a great time! I'm good! I can handle my piss. Whoa! Whoa! THUD! PATRONS GASP PATRONS CHEER PATRONS CHEER (CHEERS) Hi. Hi. Hey. Thought I'd give Mum the night off. You're home early. You're home early. Yeah, um,... bit of a nightmare. Partying with the Gen Y? Partying with the Gen Y? No, it's more my sister. (SCOFFS) What she done now? (SCOFFS) What she done now? Nothing really. Julia hasn't changed. Never did understand her and Phil. He's a good bloke. Can I, uh, tempt you with a...? Oh, what the hell. Just a small one. So you haven't given the lad a curfew? (SCOFFS) (SCOFFS) (CHUCKLES) Hey, I'm just teasing. And you never get tired of it. And you never get tired of it. Nope. Although Mandy is 26. Your girlfriend Mandy? Your girlfriend Mandy? Ex-girlfriend, but yeah. Hypocrite! Hypocrite! What? It's different. Because? Because? Older blokes with younger women, it's normal. And the other way around isn't? And the other way around isn't? Well, there's not a lot of it about. But, you know, you're in very good nick. Quite tidy for a vintage 1974. When did you turn into such a sexist pig? When I got my Australian residency. When I got my Australian residency. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) You've still got that cute laugh. You still think you're hilarious. You still think you're hilarious. Well, it's how I managed to bag you. Well, it wasn't your sensitive nature. Well, it wasn't your sensitive nature. Well, you know what they say ` a maid laughing is a maid half taken. a maid laughing is a maid half taken. Says who? I don't know. (CHUCKLES) Some horny Elizabethan stand-up comedian. I don't know. (CHUCKLES) Some horny Elizabethan stand-up comedian. (LAUGHS) I never thought I'd be able to sit down with you and have a drink and not feel weird. It's good we sorted things, eh? Yeah. You don't want another one? You don't want another one? No, it's been nice, but` (GASPS) Jeez, almost knocked you off your feet there. Jeez, almost knocked you off your feet there. Bloody hell, Stewie! OK, maybe that was out of line. OK, maybe that was out of line. So out of line! What made you think you could do that? Um, chemistry? Um, chemistry? There isn't any. Are you sure? Are you sure? So sure! I have Dave. He's turning his life upside-down for me and` Oh, shit, Caz, don't cry. Oh, shit, Caz, don't cry. I'm not. DOOR THUDS Oh my God. Get out of my room. Oh my God. Get out of my room. I just think you should consider it. Oh my God. Get out of my room. I just think you should consider it. WHISPERS: Shh! The kids are asleep. I'm back now, and I wanna be a family again. I'm back now, and I wanna be a family again. You have got to be joking. It makes sense. And how's Dave gonna hack it, really? It makes sense. And how's Dave gonna hack it, really? What?! He's turning his life upside-down. How's he gonna cope with a real job? He's turning his life upside-down. How's he gonna cope with a real job? You didn't have a real job. OK, maybe I shouldn't have sprung it on ya. Get out of my room, please. Get out of my room, please. Since I've been back, I was thinking, we moved too fast. We were too young, babe. We were too young, babe. (HUFFS) All right. Just think about it. Promise me that. All right. Just think about it. Promise me that. No. You didn't think for very long. You didn't think for very long. I don't have to. I'm in love with someone, and he makes me happier than you ever did. Jesus. I thought my mid-life crisis was bad. OK. Your loss. < DOOR SHUTS FOOTSTEPS APPROACH CLATTERING CLATTERING THUD! < WHISPERING Shh! Yes? Yes? It's... 3am. OK. Night. OK. Night. Is someone in there with you? No, I was on Skype, but I'll shut it down. No, I was on Skype, but I'll shut it down. OK. Dave! Dave! Liam. Dave! Liam. Hey, bro. Bullshit. Bullshit. Please don't tell Mum. Bullshit. Please don't tell Mum. OK. Really? Really? Are you kidding? He always sleeps on the floor, and we've never done anything bad. I've still got my promise ring. I've still got my promise ring. I'm only 13, and Liam so respects that. I respect all women. I respect all women. Please, Mum, let him stay. I respect all women. Please, Mum, let him stay. Hold on. Stop. 'Always sleeps on the floor.' How long has this been going on for? 'Always sleeps on the floor.' How long has this been going on for? Liam moved in four nights ago. (SCOFFS) I see. But only because he has nowhere else to go. But only because he has nowhere else to go. Kicked out of home. Why? His mum's an alcoholic. She's always wasted. Terrible. Terrible. She's off her head most nights. Terrible. She's off her head most nights. Bad. And she kicked him out for no reason. > Well, actually, it was about money and shit. Well, actually, it was about money and shit. He has nowhere else to go, Mum. No, I could go back to the bar. I was sleeping in Hugo's office the first three nights. The floor was hurting his back. The floor was hurting his back. It was concrete, kinda rough. But I can see why your mum's upset. I'm so sorry, Mrs Gray. We should've asked permission. I'm so sorry, Mrs Gray. We should've asked permission. She would've said no. She would've. She would've. I might not have. She would've. I might not have. She might not have. I mean, no to, um, sharing room. But we do have the airbed. But we do have the airbed. OMG, Mum. Are you serious? Jasmine, you stay in Scarlett's room. Liam, you have Jasmine's room until you sort it. Ily, Mum. Ily so much. But from now on, total honesty. No sneaking around. No lying. Definitely not. Definitely not. Totes honesty. Thank you, Mrs Gray. This is so amazing of you. Thank you, Mrs Gray. This is so amazing of you. Call me Cara. I'll get the airbed. I'll get the airbed. Don't wake your sister up. Thank you. He's right. You are so amazing. Oh, you too. Right, let's go to bed. Right, let's go to bed. Mmm. Right, let's go to bed. Mmm. THUD! (SIGHS) UPBEAT MUSIC THUD! Wow. Are you having a wedding? No, Logan. He's having a new job. Cool. Cool. Clearly he's in great shape for it (!) Have a fantastic first day at work. Have a fantastic first day at work. (GROANS) If you're up for it. If you're up for it. Need water. No, not that one. It's a new purchase, very precious, and I don't want you anywhere near it. Morning. Morning. Hey, everyone. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Wasn't me. Did he stay the night? Did he stay the night? Yes. In Jasmine's room. But Jasmine was on the airbed in Scarlett's room, and Liam had Jasmine's room all to himself. Well, thanks again, Cara, Dave. That was the best sleep I've had in ages. Bless you both. Do you like Chocko Balls? Do you like Chocko Balls? They're not that healthy. Oh, I don't like them either. Let's see what else we've got. He's been thrown out of home. I told him he could stay. WHISPERS: Marion, I am Jasmine's mother, and I can make all the decisions in my home. Perhaps that's true. How's your head? How's your head? More painful than usual. Are you sure you're OK to drive to work? (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) Caz. Mum's told me about some boy you've been letting stay over with Jasmine. Mum's told me about some boy you've been letting stay over with Jasmine. That's not quite how it is. Well, I don't know how comfortable I am with that. Well, I don't know how comfortable I am with that. (SCOFFS) It's fine, Stewie. Look, Jasmine's my daughter, and she's only 14, and` Look, Jasmine's my daughter, and she's only 14, and` She's 13. What's that? What's that? Jasmine's 13. Shit, that's even worse. Shit, that's even worse. Liam's in Jasmine's room. Jasmine is in Scarlett's room. His mother threw him out. His mother threw him out. She might have a reason. Not all mothers care for their children. Oh, do you know that for sure? Have you talked to her? Oh, do you know that for sure? Have you talked to her? Look, Liam is a good dude. He's been working at the bar for about a year now, and he's a Christian. Oh! Oh! And he's really good for Jas. And it was just for one night, and... I'm going to see his mother today. Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Yeah, we know what we're doing. Oh yeah? Yeah, we know what we're doing. I hope so. Did you see that? Talk about self-righteous. Talk about self-righteous. Oh, I guess he's got a right to be concerned. He tried it on with me last night. He tried it on with me last night. Bastard! Oh, I knew it. You did? You did? That's why I didn't want to be late. (GROANS) Shit! Now he thinks he can question my parenting. Now he thinks he can question my parenting. What do you mean 'tried it on'? You know. You know. No, like, verbally or...? He kissed me. He kissed me. Prick! You don't have to be jealous, because I can't stand him, and I love you. CLATTERING Haven't you got a job to get to, Stretch? # Felt so high, I could barely choose # where to die, when you said I will. # Ooohh. (GROANS) # Where is the dawn to help me through? # CURIOUS MUSIC (PANTS) You don't think he's got a point? You don't think he's got a point? Stewie? No, I don't. Jasmine is a little young to have a boyfriend. Jasmine is a little young to have a boyfriend. Excuse me, what about you? I finished it with Michael like I said I would. I finished it with Michael like I said I would. I didn't mean that. I mean Glen Temples from intermediate. I was 12. And Glen Temples was not sleeping in my bedroom. And Liam is not staying in Jasmine's room. Can you imagine Mum? She would have been after Glen with the air rifle. Can you imagine Mum? She would have been after Glen with the air rifle. BOTH CHUCKLE Yeah, she was a bit over the top. Yeah, she was a bit over the top. CELL PHONE RINGS If it's Phillip, tell him I'll call him back. If it's Phillip, tell him I'll call him back. CELL PHONE RINGS It's Michael. Shit. I told you not to call me again. I told you not to call me again. Please, don't be like that. I... I haven't slept all night. I haven't slept all night. Not my problem. Can we just talk about it? Can we just talk about it? I have said everything I'm gonna say. Goodbye, Michael. DIAL TONE God. Clear enough do you think? Very clear. Very clear. (SIGHS) Shit. You're gonna have to do that one again. UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Shit! Shit! CLATTERING How's it going? You miss me? How's it going? You miss me? I can't even look at you. A bit early for lunchtime. They fire your arse already? A bit early for lunchtime. They fire your arse already? Course they didn't fire my arse. I didn't actually go. I didn't actually go. Eh? I got through the doors and I saw all the other suits coming and going, and I went. Shit. Shit. I've been hiding in the park all day waiting for lunch. Dude. I know it's dumb, but I can't stop thinking about the last time I was in an office like that. You know... You know... She Who. Yvette. Yvette. She was why I did the accounting degree. Doing an accounting degree just to get laid. That was big. Doing an accounting degree just to get laid. That was big. Yeah. And then she dumped ya. And then she dumped ya. Yeah, I remember. Thanks, Az (!) And then she dumped ya. Yeah, I remember. Thanks, Az (!) Then why are you doing it again? For Cara. For Cara. What if she dumps you? You're stuck in a job you hate, just like Yvette. You're stuck in a job you hate, just like Yvette. Well, she's not gonna dump me. Bro, does this mean I have to give your bar job back? Because I don't want to be a prick, but this is a sweet gig. I can't give up after one day. I can't give up after one day. Not even one. It's only 11.53. What kind of pussy would that make me? What kind of pussy would that make me? You might not have a choice. You didn't turn up for your first day. You didn't turn up for your first day. I could say I was sick. Say you had the squirts. Works every time. No one wants details. They change the subject. Thanks for the tip. So last night, I get home, and guess what they're doing right there in the middle of the living room ` watching my Labyrinth DVD. (SIGHS) Is that all? It's our movie ` Dylan and me. And he was watching it with Alec. It's our movie ` Dylan and me. And he was watching it with Alec. And you couldn't watch it with him? I tried. Alec kept criticising Jennifer Connolly's hair and talking through the songs. OK, this is it. Let's do it. Let's do it. (SIGHS HEAVILY) KNOCK ON DOOR Mrs Hamilton? Anne-Marie? Sorry, are you Liam's mum? He doesn't live here any more. He doesn't live here any more. Wait. I'm Cara Gray, and Liam's a friend of my daughter. Piss off. Piss off. (SCOFFS) I'm sorry? Piss off. (SCOFFS) I'm sorry? I'm not interested, OK? Apparently you've thrown Liam out on the street. He's got no place to go. Apparently you've thrown Liam out on the street. He's got no place to go. Listen, blondie, you and your slutty daughter aren't gonna get a cent out of me, OK. you and your slutty daughter aren't gonna get a cent out of me, OK. Whoa, lady. We don't want a cent, and you shouldn't be` We don't want a cent, and you shouldn't be` Piss off! DOOR SLAMS DOOR SLAMS And the award for Mother of the Year goes to... DISTANT CHATTER My husband is due home any minute. Julia, why won't you talk to me? Julia, why won't you talk to me? There is nothing more to say. I've got something to say. I've got something to say. Not now and not here. Leave him. Leave Phillip. I want to be with you every day, every night. I don't want to sneak around. I want the world to know that I'm in love with Julia Deering. I want the world to know that I'm in love with Julia Deering. OK, you need to stop now. Hi. It is called an affair. They happen. There is sex and sometimes lunch. It is called an affair. They happen. There is sex and sometimes lunch. And presents. One pair of earrings. One pair of earrings. And a CD you wanted. One pair of earrings. And a CD you wanted. Michael! It is not a relationship; it is an affair. It's finished, so please go away before Phillip comes home. What are you doing? What are you doing? (SNIFFLES) What are you doing? (SNIFFLES) No, please don't do that. No, that` Shit. Shit. OK, you have to go. You have to stop. You have to go. Stop your bloody bawling and get out of here. Hey there! Hey there! Hey! Hi, Michael. Hi, Michael. Hey, darling. Is everything all right? Is everything all right? Yeah, it's brilliant. Well, apart from the fact that Michael's a bit upset. Anything we can do? Anything we can do? Not really. Anything we can do? Not really. Phil, I've been burdening your wife. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I've been dumped. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I've been dumped. Oh. Oh, that's a real shame. Oh, that's a real shame. Yeah. (SOBS) It is. Would you like to come up for a drink? Uh, yeah, that'd be great. Thanks. (GROANS SOFTLY) We've only got time for one. We have dinner reservations. We've only got time for one. We have dinner reservations. Jules, insensitive. It's rude to the restaurant to make reservations and then not turn up. It's rude to the restaurant to make reservations and then not turn up. I'm sure they'll cope. Here we go. Thanks. Sorry for intruding like this, but it's hard to find someone to talk to, you know? Well, my wife's always good for that. I just don't understand why she ended it. It was so out of the blue. I love her. So much. It's hard. After Kathy left, I thought it wouldn't happen to me again. I thought, 'That's it. I'm done.' And then this beautiful woman walked into my life. Well, she was already there, really. And she is, um,... stunning. Sexy as all hell. At the beginning it was perfect. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. We were hot together. We did it in the back of my SUV. I mean` I'm sure we don't need those details. It feels like boy talk. Hello, there is a lady present. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) The back of your car, you were saying. I've always wondered ` it can't be very comfortable. You've never done it in a car? You've never done it in a car? I drove a Fiat Bambina at uni, so, no. That wasn't the only crazy place we did it. We were driving north one day, for lunch, she leans over, undoes my zipper` she leans over, undoes my zipper` Stop it! What the hell are you doing? You're twisted. Jules. Jules. I didn't mean to upset you. Jules. I didn't mean to upset you. Yes, you did. You're creepy and a crybaby, and I want you to get out of my house. Oh God, Phillip. I'm so sorry. What? What? I think I better make a move. Um, thanks for the drink. Yeah. See ya. I love you so much, Phillip. POIGNANT MUSIC Right. (CHUCKLES MIRTHLESSLY) I see. OK. OK. Phillip. Where are you going? Where are you going? I need some space. Away from you. RADIO PLAYS Have a nice day. Hey, I am so glad it's going well for you. Have a nice day. Hey, I am so glad it's going well for you. I'm caning it. Go push that pen, Davie boy. Go win that bread, mate. Go push that pen, Davie boy. Go win that bread, mate. Oh, go f... See ya later. Morning all. Logan, breakfast! Logan, breakfast! Oh, sorry. Sorry. Yep. Yep. Ooh! Stewie, you don't have to come upstairs every morning. You're staying with Marion. She has a kitchen. I like to say good morning to my kids. Hey, what's the homeless guy still doing here? He's not a ho` He's staying a while longer. You said you were going to talk to the mother. You said you were going to talk to the mother. Not that I have to justify, but his mother is a drunk and she swore at me, and I know what I'm doing. I'm sure you do, Cara. I'm sure you do. (SIGHS) UNSETTLING MUSIC Yeah, terrible timing, I know. But I got really bad... diarrhoea. Yeah, yeah. You don't want me in the office today. Thanks. Bye. UNSETTLING MUSIC CONTINUES Morning. You're leaving? It was my first instinct, sure. Pack my things and go. Pack my things and go. Without talking about it? You can't do that. You can't go without talking about it. You can't do that. You can't go without talking about it. I'm not going. You are. I need you to know how very, very, very sorry I am. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. For once, it's not about what you want. Phillip, just hear my side of the story before you make any decisions. Phillip, just hear my side of the story before you make any decisions. I have all the details I need. And I want you gone, Julia. I've been hiding in Albert Park again. I've been hiding in Albert Park again. Face it, you're not up to this. Can't stay away, eh? Can't stay away, eh? Gotta eat. Can't stay away, eh? Gotta eat. Bastard! Oh, what now? Oh, what now? I hate your guts. PATRONS CHEER PATRONS CHEER For shit's sakes. PATRONS CHEER For shit's sakes. Bible bashed the wrong girl. Oh, looks like he did a bit more than Bible bash her. Oh, looks like he did a bit more than Bible bash her. Huh? What are you dicks looking at? Who was that? Who was that? Whitney. Who was that? Whitney. And Whitney is your... sister? I better clean up the spill. Does she have to wear that in public? Does she have to wear that in public? I'm not embarrassed. It looks like a nappy. It looks like a nappy. It's what lords and noblemen wore. It looks like a nappy. It's what lords and noblemen wore. Well, the cross dressing is new. Hey! Which one of you is Jasmine? Hey! Which one of you is Jasmine? Excuse me? She is. She is. Leave my man alone. Leave your` I'm sorry? He's not your man any more. He's not your man any more. You are a little sluz. He's not your man any more. You are a little sluz. Look who's talking, bubble belly. This is brilliant. I'm Whitney. I'm Whitney. She's Liam's ex. I'm Whitney. She's Liam's ex. You're` Oh my God. I thought you said you were saving yourself for marriage. I thought you said you were saving yourself for marriage. I am. Now. Born-again Christian, yes. Born-again virgin? It doesn't work that way. When Whitney told me she was pregnant, I thought, 'Shit, this is bad.' And then I met Jesus. What, on the street? And I knew I could forget my past. And I knew I could forget my past. Your past is waddling around about to drop your baby. Do you like Super Muso Man? Do you like Super Muso Man? No. I don't really like little kids either. Is there a baby in your tummy? Is there a baby in your tummy? Yeah. Is there a baby in your tummy? Yeah. How did it get there? Liam, like, ditched her ages ago. She is such a stalker. Liam, like, ditched her ages ago. She is such a stalker. How ex are we talking? Like, ages. Like, before he was Christian. Five months or something. Like, ages. Like, before he was Christian. Five months or something. Five months? So it is his baby. Yeah, but he dumped her, so she should, like, get over it. Yeah, but he dumped her, so she should, like, get over it. Jasmine! Shh! She's pregnant, and Liam walked away from her. It's not the same as when Dad left you. Whitney's a ho and probably got pregnant on purpose. It takes a boy and a girl, and it means that Liam's not... not being truthful. not being truthful. Yeah, well, he was to me. You're meant to be a good guy, Liam. I stood up for you. I know. I'm getting enough grief from Whitney. I know. I'm getting enough grief from Whitney. Really? I told her I'm moving in with Jasmine and she went mental. I told her I'm moving in with Jasmine and she went mental. Jasmine. Oh shit. And Cara. How am I meant to tell her? PHONE RINGS Not a good time, Dave. Not a good time, Dave. It's Liam. There's a bit of a problem. Ah, I think that problem is currently sitting on my couch. Ah, I think that problem is currently sitting on my couch. Oh shit. How's Jasmine? She's coping. She's coping. I'm so sorry. She's coping. I'm so sorry. Well, you didn't know. But it would be good if you could help me fix this. But it would be good if you could help me fix this. Already on to it. Liam. I don't get it. < DOOR SLAMS Gidday, Davo. Cara hates me. She did ask for your total honesty. She did ask for your total honesty. I'm too young to have a baby. Jasmine's far too young to be a stepmum. I'd never ask her to be. The baby's definitely Whitney's thing. Oh, come on, Liam. You're not that much of a dickhead. I don't know how to be a father. I never had one. I never had one. And you're gonna put your own kid through the same thing? I know it's scary, but sometimes you gotta live with the choices you make. You gotta suck it up. Be a man, you reckon? Yeah. Be a man. Sure, you're freaking out about it, but you can't get caught up on crap from the past, because things are different now. Um, thanks, Dave. No worries. Oh, that is so depressing. What is? Jasmine's life is more interesting than mine and she's 13. So what did you do with the pregnant chick? Oh, I gave her $20 for a taxi. I feel bad, but` I feel bad, but` DANCE MUSIC PLAYS I feel bad, but` DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Jesus, can you hear that? That is horrible. That is horrible. What? I don't see why I should have to put up with doof-doof music in my own` I don't see why I should have to put up with doof-doof music in my own` GROANING, PANTING Dylan's changed. He never would have had sex in the living room before Alec came along. Maybe he didn't know you'd be there. Maybe he didn't know you'd be there. He didn't. I was meant to be going for dinner with my cousin, but then she cancelled. Oh, Jen. Oh, Jen. I can't go back there, Cara. (SOBS) (SOBS) We've got plenty of room. DOOR THUDS DOOR THUDS Hello? Hello. Hello. Hey. What happened? Um... Phillip asked me to leave. I checked into a hotel after work. I can't. It's OK. It's OK. It's OK. (SNIFFLES) Thank you. Is it just me, or does that chick look way underage? Jasmine? Jasmine? Ah, thought so. How did you get here? How did you get here? I snuck out and caught the bus. But I need to see Liam. You're not meant to be here, Jas. You're not meant to be here, Jas. Please, he hasn't texted me back. You're not meant to be here, Jas. Please, he hasn't texted me back. Oh, hey, Jas. Hi. Hi. I've gotta tell you something kinda big. OK. Dave had this talk to me about doing the right thing. I called Whitney` Dave had this talk to me about doing the right thing. I called Whitney` You're gonna give her money. Cool. We're gonna get married. We're gonna get married. < Hold on, what? It's like you said. It's like you said. I did not say` It's like you said. I did not say` Every kid deserves a father. You understand that, right? You understand that, right? Liam, no. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Me and Jas bonded over the fact we both didn't have dads, so she gets it. And this is a test, you know. From God. I can't fail that test. But we can still be friends. You could be the godmother if you want. Actually, my cousin's going to be godmother. But you can be, like, babysitter. We can all hang out. It will be cool. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) Oh, Jas. Douchebag. Jasmine. I'm so sorry. You told him to do that. You told him to do that. No, I didn't. I just said he needed` You told him to do that. No, I didn't. I just said he needed` I hate you so much! Hey, has she just been on that deathtrap with you, Dave? (SOBS) Daddy. (SOBS) Daddy. What's going on here? (SOBS) Daddy. What's going on here? (SOBS) You never mind, Jas. We'll sort it. Come on. Oh! (SNIFFLES) How could I have thought Michael was a nice man? He's a psycho. No wonder Kathy left him. And Phillip ` the way he looked at me. (SOBS) Give him some time. He probably just needs to gather his thoughts. Give him some time. He probably just needs to gather his thoughts. I'm just in shock. I mean, Phillip is like the nicest guy on the planet and I'm` DOOR THUDS DOOR THUDS I'm gonna go on the balcony and watch the sunset. Hi. Hi. Hey, Dave. Balcony. Drink. Now. Balcony. Drink. Now. Oh, no, I've just got to talk to Cara about` Balcony would be good. Everyone makes mistakes. Phillip knows that, and he loves you so much. He'll want to sort it. How can he now? (SIGHS) I'm sorry. Thank you for being so nice, but I just... I just want to be unconscious. OK. Scarlett, could you grab some spare pillowcases? Why? Why? Just do it, sweetheart. Is she staying the night? Is she staying the night? Yes. Jasmine's back in your room tonight. No way. No way. Don't grumble. It's not for long, OK? It's not for long, OK? I won't do it. Not for her. It's not for long, OK? I won't do it. Not for her. Scarlett. Why are you being so nice? It's Uncle Phil you should care about. Why are you being so nice? It's Uncle Phil you should care about. That's enough! Get your own pillowcases. Get your own pillowcases. You are an immature 16-year-old who lives in your goddam fantasy land. I mean, what the hell are you wearing now, for God's sake? I mean, what the hell are you wearing now, for God's sake? Julia. One day, you'll grow up and learn what it's like to be an adult. Until then, you should keep your goddam judgemental teenage venom to yourself. Shit. Scarlett! Shit. Scarlett! Oh shit. I'm so sorry. (SOBS) You didn't mean it. You didn't mean it. I did! Auntie Julia just yelled at me. Auntie Julia just yelled at me. What for? Auntie Julia just yelled at me. What for? And Mum let her. Jesus, Waterworld around here. Mum said we had to share again, as Uncle Phil kicked Julia out. She cheated on him. Good Lord. Good Lord. Jesus. Good Lord. Jesus. OMG, no way. I saw her kissing some random, and Dave told me not to tell anyone. And I feel so bad. Dave told you not to tell? Dave told you not to tell? What an upstanding guy (!) Dave told you not to tell? What an upstanding guy (!) Poor Uncle Phil. He's gonna hate me. Oh, mate, it's not your fault. Oh, mate, it's not your fault. No, no, it's not. Not at all. Scarlett, I'm so sorry. Scarlett, I'm so sorry. It's all right. We've got this. Jas, are you OK? Jas, are you OK? They'll be fine. SOBBING SOBBING Shh, shh, shh. I'll be upstairs if you need me. I'll be upstairs if you need me. We don't. I'll be upstairs if you need me. We don't. Right. Don't worry. Dad's here now. I'm so sorry. Julia's going through a hard time. It doesn't matter. Hey, sweetheart, how you feeling? Hey, sweetheart, how you feeling? Fine. Hey, sweetheart, how you feeling? Fine. Look, it's OK to feel sad and angry` I kind of don't want to talk about it. Fair enough. Night, girls. Love you. LADI6'S 'SHINE ON' Everyone OK? Everyone OK? A version of OK. I want you to know I did not tell Liam to ditch Jasmine and marry that` She's probably better off out of that little triangle. She's probably better off out of that little triangle. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, probably. But first heartbreak,... I remember that feeling. Yeah. # Breaking hearts, minds, I do apologise. # It's not my way. # I hate to make you feel uncomfortable. # Take a load off, # or you can put it right on me. # It would be my pleasure to unburden you, actually. # I see you, you see me. # And I know that you are down. # I wanna pick you up from where I see ya, # lying on the ground. # Trust in me. I'll take your broken heart home to fix, # cos you're generally on my lips. # Whisper my promises. # All your strength and weaknesses too, # baby, to me you are a star, # so shine on. # Julia! Julia! KNOCKING Julia! KNOCKING Julia, it's me! What was that? What was that? Julia! What was that? Julia! Oh shit! It's me! Julia! Open up! Michael. Michael. Come out! Michael. Come out! No, you have to go. I went to the apartment. Phillip said she was here. I went to the apartment. Phillip said she was here. You went to the apartment? Julia! Julia! How could you do that? You idiot. Can we keep it down? It's very early in the morning. Can we keep it down? It's very early in the morning. What's going on? Just go home, Michael. But you left him. We could be together. But you left him. We could be together. No, we can't. Julia, your chariot awaits. Are you drunk? Are you drunk? (LAUGHS) Very! Christ, it's a bloody circus. Christ, it's a bloody circus. Just piss off! Julia! Julia! For pity's sake, why?! Julia's not interested. Piss off. Julia's not interested. Piss off. MICHAEL: Julia! Julia! CAR DOOR THUDS CAR DOOR THUDS Righto, folks. Nothing to see here. Can I have a word, Cara? It's been a bit crazy lately. I'll grant you that. My new friend Whitney has a baby in her tummy, and I know how it got there. Sweetie, could you go play in your room for a bit? It's not always like this. MARION: It didn't use to be. MARION: It didn't use to be. Since you picked up with junior. MARION: It didn't use to be. Since you picked up with junior. You can't blame Dave. It's his name that keeps coming up. And he's hardly a role model, Cara. But, hey, I don't blame him. He's just a kid. But you ` you're old enough to know better. You've turned this place into a halfway house. Any loser with a hard luck story is welcome. And your sister, she's just a bloody fruit loop, isn't she? You don't have to be here if you don't like it. So go back to Australia whenever you want. Cara! Cara! That's real mature (!) You have no idea what it's like trying to deal with everything. I thought you were so on to it. But you know what, Cara? You're a bad mother. You're selfish, and your life is more important than the kids. You're selfish, and your life is more important than the kids. Arsehole. This is a private conversation here between husband and wife. This is a private conversation here between husband and wife. I'm not your wife. We never got a bloody divorce. Dave, get out. You have no right to call her a bad mum. It was you who left. Oh, and I'm paying for that now. She's doing a shit job with my kids. Oh, and I'm paying for that now. She's doing a shit job with my kids. Oh my God! Mum said you went tardo when I left, not making the girls dinner. It's called post-natal depression, you shit! And you` Dave! Dave! Dad! Dave! Dad! Get out of our house! OMG, what happened? OMG, what happened? It's` It's all right, kids. Just go back to your rooms. Wow. Wow. I'm sorry. UNSETTLING MUSIC (SIGHS) UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Thanks for meeting me. Thanks for meeting me. It's not a bad place, actually. Is your, uh, face all right? Oh, it's superficial, mate. You're no Mike Tyson. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. It was wrong of me. I was pretty handy with my fists when I was your age. You will grow out of it. And you and Caz will be happy, mate ` I'm heading back to Oz. Well, that's... up to you. I think we both know I've overstayed my welcome. Girls, Logan! Hey, dinner! Hope you guys are hungry. Oi. LAUGHTER Oh, I got burgers. You should have called first. You should have called first. I'm sure your boyfriend will have 'em. Growing lad. Actually, me and him had a good chat today. We had a beer. He really is sorry. He's not usually violent. Anyway, I've booked my ticket back to the Goldie. Anyway, I've booked my ticket back to the Goldie. Guess what, Mum. Guess what. We're going with! We're going with! Oh, I wanted to tell you. I-I'm sorry. You're`? I-I'm sorry. You're`? Isn't it wonderful? Stewie's shouting us all. Shouting? Shouting? Mm. The kids and Mum. A few weeks doing the theme parks and the beaches. Booyah! A few weeks doing the theme parks and the beaches. Booyah! We're going to Movie World. And Dracula's. It's dinner theatre, but done properly. Hold on. Don't you think we should discuss this first? We've already booked, babe. We've already booked, babe. What about school? We've already booked, babe. What about school? Two weeks of school holidays. I'm sure we can take some schoolwork over with us for the other three. I'm sure we can take some schoolwork over with us for the other three. Five weeks? Well, you kids are gonna love it. The sun, the surf. I tell ya. Well, you kids are gonna love it. The sun, the surf. I tell ya. And the shopping. Dad said spending money is the best for getting over a break up. It's true, Jas. It's true, Jas. Did he? Good to see them all smiling again, isn't it? Does anyone want another piece? Does anyone want another piece? LOGAN: Me! Does anyone want another piece? LOGAN: Me! Yes! MARION LAUGHS < EXCITED CHATTER PHONE RINGS Hi. Hi. It's me. I have to work late tonight. Oh. Already? Oh. Already? It's the way it goes. Hey, um,... I sorted it with Stewie today. I sorted it with Stewie today. He said. I sorted it with Stewie today. He said. I swear I will never do that again. Dave. Stewie's going back to the Gold Coast. Dave. Stewie's going back to the Gold Coast. I know. Great news. Except he's, um, taking the kids with him for five weeks. Awesome! Awesome! How can you say that? Cool for them. And for us ` we get a break. I don't want a break. I don't want a break. Hey` I don't want a break. Hey` They're my kids. He didn't even ask. He just booked, and he and Marion are flying off with them. He just booked, and he and Marion are flying off with them. Marion too? I don't want them to go. I don't want them to go. Eh? I don't want them to go. Eh? I don't want them to go. Well, you know what? We all have to deal with stuff we don't want. You don't get it. You don't get it. Not really. You don't get it. Not really. I guess I can't expect you to. And I can't expect you to understand either. And I can't expect you to understand either. Understand what? I'll talk to you later, OK. SECRET KNIVES' 'THE SHINING' # Think about what you want. # What you want. # Draw a picture in your mind. # Make sure it is true to life. # True to life. # MUSIC CONTINUES Captions by Ingrid Lauder. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014