THE CAVEMEN'S 'JUVENILE DELINQUENT' What?! (GRUNTS) I love her. You're twisted! You're twisted! I want you gone. Oh. You're a bad mother. Booked my ticket back to the Goldie. Booked my ticket back to the Goldie. Guess what? Booked my ticket back to the Goldie. Guess what? We're going with! I don't want them to go. I don't want them to go. We all have to deal with stuff we don't want. (SIGHS) Oh. Oh. DOOR OPENS > (SOBS) Cara? Cara? Mm? Taxi's here. Taxi's here. Coming. (LAUGHS WEAKLY) You OK? You OK? (SIGHS) You're right. They're` They're getting a holiday; we get a break. (EMOTIONALLY) It's gonna be really good for all of us. (LAUGHS WEAKLY) You have to stop. You have to stop. I know. What have you got in here? You can schlep around the Gold Coast in swimmers. I don't do swimmers, Father. We're going to Movie World! Tell us something we don't know. Tell us something we don't know. Come on, come on, all aboard! Have you packed sunblock? Have you packed sunblock? They might have that in Australia. Don't let them eat much crap food. Don't let them eat much crap food. I'll be supervising, so just stop your fussing. OK. OK. Better get this show on the road. Let's go, girls. Bye, sweetie. Bye, sweetie. Oi. Say goodbye to your mother. Oh. Mwah. Be careful on the beach, OK. Don't go out too deep. Be careful on the beach, OK. Don't go out too deep. He's not a pussy. Bye-bye, darling. You gotta let him go, you know. You gotta let him go, you know. Yep. You gotta let him go, you know. Yep. Sometime. Cara. Step away from the child, please. Bye, Dave. Bye, Dave. Later, dude. Bye, Dave. Later, dude. Text me when you get there. What for? What for? So I know you've arrived safely. Bye, Mum. Bye, Mum. Have a great time, Scar. Oh. Oh. You're squashing my boobs. Oh. You're squashing my boobs. Oh, sorry. Have fun. Have fun. Bye. I'll take care of them, don't worry. I'll take care of them, don't worry. Of course I'll worry. I'll take care of them, don't worry. Of course I'll worry. Yeah, I know. If you let them down or hurt them in any way, I will kill you. If you let them down or hurt them in any way, I will kill you. Fair enough. Well, you kids be good, you hear. No wild parties and don't trash the place. We'll try not to. We'll try not to. See ya, Dave-o. Bye! (LAUGHS) Bye! (LAUGHS) See ya, guys. Bye! (LAUGHS) See ya, guys. KIDS: Bye! Have a great time! KIDS: We will! KIDS: We will! See ya, guys. Oh! Oh! Arse-wipe. # Toot, beep-beep. # EMOTIONALLY: I know. It's so quiet. It's so quiet. Yeah. I don't have to make any lunches for five weeks. I don't have to make any lunches for five weeks. Awesome. Who'll eat the Chocko Balls? Logan opened a packet. They'll go stale. I'll eat the Chocko Balls. I'll eat the Chocko Balls. Will you? Stewie wants you to be upset, OK? So don't give him the satisfaction. Look, it's freedom. You need to enjoy it. I suppose. For example, there's something we could do right now that we can't usually do. # Toot, beep-beep. Whoa! # Toot-toot, beep-beep. (GASPS, SIGHS) # Beep-beep. (CHUCKLES) # Toot-toot. # OBJECT PLAYS ROCK MUSIC (GASPS) he forgot Super Muso Man! # Boys, boys, boys. # Show me that money. Oh my God! Good, huh? Good, huh? Look at the size of that cobweb up there. Classic. Classic. Mm. Mm. < Dave? What are you doing? Need to feed the man beast. It might have to be Chocko Balls. Dry Chocko Balls. We're out of milk. It might have to be Chocko Balls. Dry Chocko Balls. We're out of milk. We have yoghurt. I could pour it on you and lick it off. But I'd have to unwrap you first. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Oh, why not? It's weird. It's weird. Naked is not weird. Naked is good. I am going to be naked in this house for the next five weeks. Hey, have you ever seen a windmill? What kind of windmill? (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) It requires finely honed athletic skill to do this. I'm sure. (LAUGHS) I'm sure. (LAUGHS) Stand back, I don't want to take eye out. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh shit! You might've warned me you were doing whatever it is you were doing. We thought you'd be out for the day. We thought you'd be out for the day. Only so long you can spend at the gym. I'll just go and put some clothes on. So, that was his idea of foreplay? GENTLE MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES MUSIC FADES RADIO PLAYS Oh, good. You're fully clothed. Oh, good. You're fully clothed. And you're still here. Oh, good. You're fully clothed. And you're still here. Morning. Strange with no lunches to make. Strange with no lunches to make. You could make me lunch. Oh. Oh. The more I think about it, he's being completely unreasonable. Who? Who? Phillip, of course. Who? Phillip, of course. You cheated on him. But that is our home. Why should I be the one to leave? But that is our home. Why should I be the one to leave? Exactly! We all makes mistakes. We all makes mistakes. Thank you. He refuses to even discuss it. You need to take charge, make the first move. Phillip will be expecting it. How do you know? How do you know? Cos I'm a guy. Well, I have always loved a challenge. Well, I have always loved a challenge. This is the Annapurna of challenges. Maybe don't wait up for me this evening. Maybe don't wait up for me this evening. Good luck with that. Yes! (CHUCKLES) GENTLE MUSIC What are you doing? What are you doing? Remember the naked rule? What about work? What about work? Well, we'll get dressed before we go to work, obviously. But first, freedom and fun and doing whatever we like,... whenever we like. whenever we like. Wherever we like. whenever we like. Wherever we like. Now you're getting the hang of it. Oh, for God's sake! I wasn't even out of the driveway! Ew! Please take her back, Phillip. Take her back. Sorry, I'm a bit late. The kids and Marion left yesterday. Are you OK, babe? Are you OK, babe? Yeah, 'course. Ohh. You and Dave ` no kids, hubba-hubba, right? We are... getting plenty of us time. That's awesome. I'm getting some us time tonight. That's awesome. I'm getting some us time tonight. (GASPS) With? Dylan. Dylan. Oh. What's 'oh'? I've barely seen him since he got back together with Alec. Right. Right. Tonight it'll just be the two of us. Bliss. PHONE RINGS Mum. Hey, what's up? You tell me. I'm at your place. Where? Your flat. And apparently you don't live here any more. Your flat. And apparently you don't live here any more. Oi. Stop perving. Ah, right. Did I not mention that I've moved in with Cara? No, you omitted that small detail. No, you omitted that small detail. Anyway, what brings you back to NZ? I'd like to see my son. Now if possible. I'm so glad we're doing this. I'm so glad we're doing this. Same. Alec's running late, so I won't have to sit here like a Neville. Alec's running late, so I won't have to sit here like a Neville. Terrific. What? What? Nothing. The way you said 'terrific' ` 'Terrific, the cat threw up in my knickers.' I just thought that tonight it would be the two of us for a change. Actually, it'll be the four of us. Alec is bringing Bianca-Faye. Who? Who? Alec found himself a fag-hag while we were having time out. She is something special. Really? Really? UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS You could have come round to my place, you know. You could have come round to my place, you know. No, I couldn't handle the 'burbs. What are you wearing? You bought it for me. You bought it for me. I know I bought it for you. Why are you wearing it? Uh,... work. Not at the bar? Not at the bar? VOICES CHATTER ON TV > No, not as such. Your new job in accounts, which also wasn't worth mentioning to your mother? I got a proper job. Most mums would be stoked. This mum is worried about your motives. This mum is worried about your motives. Good call. He hates it. Ow! Ow! Suck-up. What? Because I might want to have a career and a future? Paying some middle-aged woman's mortgage. Paying some middle-aged woman's mortgage. She's 39. Which soon becomes 40, believe me. I thought you liked Cara. I thought you liked Cara. Yes, when I thought she was a phase you were going through. We all thought the same thing. We all thought the same thing. Azza, shut up! Cara is not a phase. She's the woman I wanna spend my life with. If you're going to give me a hard time, I'm out of here. All right, darling. You've made your point. Yeah? Yeah? It's just I thought you and Azza had plans to travel. And then the cougar got him. What? What? (GASPS, LAUGHS) What? (GASPS, LAUGHS) BOTH LAUGH My priorities have changed. My priorities have changed. Tied down with a mother-of-three and a 9-5 job? That he hates. That he hates. David, honestly. That he hates. David, honestly. You know what? I'm going home. LAUGHTER CONTINUES > (SOBS) VOICE CRACKS: Sorry, I promised myself I wouldn't... (CRIES) Excuse me. Why'd you go and do that for? Why'd you go and do that for? What? What did I do? LINE RINGS DAVE: Hey. DAVE: Hey. SULTRILY: Hey. Hey, um, have you finished work yet? I thought we could go out tonight. Maybe a movie or dinner. Because we can. I can't. I can't. Oh. Gotta go back to work, and... my mum's here. Can I call you later? Gotta go back to work, and... my mum's here. Can I call you later? Sure. Is everything OK? < NATALIE SOBS < NATALIE SOBS Yeah, 'course. Right, um, I'll see you soon. PHONE BEEPS < SOBBING CONTINUES < SOBBING CONTINUES (RAPS ON DOOR) DRAWN-OUT: Mum? I'm sorry I didn't tell you I'd moved in with Cara, OK? And I'm sorry I quit my dead-end job as a barman and went back to finance. (CRIES) It's got nothing to do with that. (CRIES) It's got nothing to do with that. Then why all the`? You might as well know. I... I'm here to see a specialist. I have to have a small... procedure. What kind of procedure? The last time I was here, I had my usual check-up and... the mammogram showed a small mass, and so I'm getting a biopsy to be on the safe side. Does Dad know? Does Dad know? I don't want to worry him until I know what I'm dealing with. OK. Oh God. What are we dealing with? There's no point in worrying. There's no point in worrying. How can you say that? What if it's`? There's no point in worrying. How can you say that? What if it's`? It's one step at a time. You get older. Things... fall apart. Whatever happens, I'm here for you, Mum. Whatever happens, I'm here for you, Mum. Thanks, darling. Just don't share this with anyone. Not yet, OK. I won't. RHYTHMIC THUDDING > RHYTHMIC THUDDING > AZZA: Let me give it to you. Now! Oh yes! Yes, oh! > BETTY: Shut up, bitch! > Only me. ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Oh shit. ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES What are you doing here? I needed a few... things. Email me a list. Don't be silly. I need some more clothes and some... I could have bit of a tidy-up while I'm here. Phillip? When are we gonna talk? Nothing to talk about. Nothing to talk about. (SCOFFS) This place is a pigsty, and you're obviously not coping. And you're a... slut! ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES Oh my God. Do you mean that? I bloody well do. Most people would have a rational discussion about what's happened. Most people would have a rational discussion about what's happened. # Na, na, na, na, na, na. What are you doing? What are you doing? # Na, na, na, na, na, na. Oh, for god's sake! Oh, for god's sake! # Na, na, na, na. Look`! Look, if we could just`! Look`! Look, if we could just`! # Na, na, na. Oh, grow up! Oh, grow up! # Na! # TV PLAYS, CELL PHONE RINGS Hey, Jen. Hey, Jen. Sorry to interrupt your shagfest. Hey, Jen. Sorry to interrupt your shagfest. Nah-uh, no shagfest. Oh, sorry, I mean your us time. None of that either. Dave has to work late tonight. And Knocked-Up Natalie's in town. Dave's mum? Dave's mum? Dave's mum. Dave's mum? Dave's mum. Oh, that is brilliant! Not really. Not really. You can come and have a drink with me. I thought you and Dylan were having us time. I thought you and Dylan were having us time. Alec is here, and he has a... fag-hag, and she is a bitch. Please come. I'll come. Because I can! As long as I stop at six glasses of bubbles. Seven and I'm dangerous. I know` I know` The trouble is, by the time I get to five, I lose count. But then if I switch to Sea Breezes, I'm fine. Lies. She can drink like a fish, and she usually does. Alec, you are a bastard, and I hate you. Just don't ask how we met. OK. OK. We were standing in line for tickets... > ...to Monsters University. ...to Monsters University. Oh, I love` And then Alec said, 'I wish I had a small child.' And I said, 'That sounds a bit suss.' It's embarrassing going to a kids' movie without one. I said I never act my age, so he could sit with me. But by the time we got up to the counter,... > But by the time we got up to the counter,... > ...they'd sold out, > so we went to the bar instead. And we've been besties ever since. Yeah. Yeah. Mm, mwah. Yeah. Mm, mwah. That's nice. I met Jen at her and Cara's beauty spa, Temptation. I bet it wasn't. Tempting, I mean. I bet it wasn't. Tempting, I mean. I saw these two out together after we'd broken up. She's not? She's that Jen? She is. She is. The one that Dylan tongue-dived to make Alec jealous? That's me. That's me. Pretending he was straight. That's me. Pretending he was straight. Oh, in your dreams, maybe. No, it's` No. No. But it was great, cos that was the moment that I realised that Dylan must still be in love with me. Which brings us to our news. Yesterday... Yesterday... ...I proposed,... and Dylan said yes. and Dylan said yes. We're getting married! (GASPS) Wow! That's amazing. Ohh! Oh my God! That is the ` mwah ` bestest news! Absolutely. Congratulations, you two. Do you want another one? Do you want another one? Definitely! I think we should all get rip-roaringly hammered. I would love to have another, but my sister's at my house. I should go. I would love to have another, but my sister's at my house. I should go. I'll come too. Well, hon, don't you want to celebrate with us? Well, hon, don't you want to celebrate with us? I so do. I don't want Cara to go home by herself. Her kids are away. She's feeling needy. That is so tragic. We could all go to Cara's. We could all go to Cara's. Um... Party at Cara's. We can grab some more wine on the way. Party at Cara's. We can grab some more wine on the way. I normally don't do parties. Hi. Hi. PEOPLE CHATTER Oh my God! This is so family! What is going on? What is going on? Dylan's getting married. To whom? To whom? His boyfriend. To whom? His boyfriend. ALL CHATTER And that man is here because...? WHISPERS: I... think he got into the Maxi Taxi when no one was watching. WHISPERS: I... think he got into the Maxi Taxi when no one was watching. What are you doing, Cara? Having fun. Because that's what you do when your kids are away. And Dave said if` if I make the most out of my freedom, then` And Dave said if` if I make the most out of my freedom, then` And where is Dave? Good question. VACUUM WHIRRS SKYPE RINGTONE PLAYS Logan. Logan. Hi, Dave! Hey, buddy. How are you doing? Hey, buddy. How are you doing? I'm in Australia! Hey, buddy. How are you doing? I'm in Australia! I know. Seen any kangaroos? Dad said he ran over one once. Dad said he ran over one once. Oh. Dad's house has lots of rooms and a gym and a pool! Awesome. Awesome. Gidday, Dave-o. Awesome. Gidday, Dave-o. Yep. Where are you? You still hard at it, mate? End of financial year coming up. Working late. Oh, I remember those days, being a slave to the man. Now I am the man. Anyway, I was just having a chat with Logan, so... Anyway, I was just having a chat with Logan, so... Bye, Dave! I'm going for a swim! Later, pal. Don't work too hard. There he goes, my little man. This place is idyllic, mate. My husband called me a slut. Oh, that's not cool. That is not cool. Thank you. Thank you. Mm. Thank you. Mm. (LAUGHS) Alec fancies himself as a bit of a Patrick Swayze. I used to love Patrick Swayze. I used to love Patrick Swayze. I actually happen to know a few of the moves from Dirty Dancing. Really? Ohhh. Ohhh. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS Ohhh. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS (CLEARS THROAT) (CHANGES SONG, CLEARS THROAT) # Now I've # had the time of my life. No, I never felt... Oh my God. He knows it. (LAUGHS) # Yes, I... # Yes, I... See, because when you look at it, he was the one who was deceitful first. Hang on, hang on a minute, lady. You` Your husband had just had his bits and pieces mutilated,... A vasectomy. A vasectomy. ...mm, and you run off and get it on with another bloke? Not because of the vasectomy. Not because of the vasectomy. He's just lying there with his nuts under an ice pack. I` It wasn't something I planned. Oh, honestly, it's none of your business, anyway. I don't even know why you're telling me. I don't even know why you're telling me. Don't look at me. What a hussy. What a hussy. He so is. What a hussy. He so is. I was talking about her. Two, three! Go! Go! (SHRIEKS) Go! (SHRIEKS) Holy shit! Go, Cara! Oh, you grab my hands. OK? Almost ready. One, two, three. ALL CHEER ALL CHEER # I've had the time of my life... Hey, Dave! Hey. I'm doing what you told me to do. Which is...? Which is...? To have fun. Which is...? To have fun. Your girl is one hot dancer. Want a drink, Dave? Want a drink, Dave? # ...owe it all to you. Want a drink, Dave? # ...owe it all to you. < HUGO: Gidday, Dave. Uh, I think I might just go to bed. Uh, I think I might just go to bed. Hey, hey, are you sure? Uh, I think I might just go to bed. Hey, hey, are you sure? Yeah, it's been a long day at work. Hey, how's your mum? She's fine. She's fine. BOTH CHUCKLE Night. Night. Goodnight. < Goodnight, Dave. # ...let it go. Don't be afraid to lose control. # # ...let it go. Don't be afraid to lose control. # Goodnight. (HUMS) Ah. Hey! Oooooh! Oooooh! # Yes, I know what's on your mind... # ALL CHATTER RAUCOUSLY (SIGHS) (SIGHS) # Around and around... ALL SING ALONG: # ...and around with its own sound. Around and around. I don't need to be there. # Around and around and around... # ALARM BLARES 'JUVENILE DELINQUENT' ALARM BLARES (GASPS) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (GROANS SOFTLY) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) BIRDS CHIRP (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (SNORES) PHONE RINGS IN BACKGROUND Mum, hi. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? I always visit my son at work. This is, um... It's a stepping stone. It's a stepping stone. To where? It's a stepping stone. To where? (SCOFFS) Sweetheart, I'm having flashbacks. LSD? LSD? Don't joke. Yvette. You followed that girl to university and the commerce department... Mum. ...and wasted how many years of your life? ...and wasted how many years of your life? All right. You have got to stop letting women boss you around. You're bossing me around. You're bossing me around. I'm your mother. I made you; I have a right to boss. Especially when I can see it's making you miserable. Especially when I can see it's making you miserable. I'm not... This isn't for Cara. Not totally. Not totally. And what about going overseas? I am still saving for that. For sure. Really? Really? 'Course. When I've got the cash, if Azza ever manages to sort himself out. (CHUCKLES) I should get back to it. Are you OK? Are you OK? Fine. Still haven't heard from the kids. Still haven't heard from the kids. (GROANS) Still haven't heard from the kids. (GROANS) Oh, sorry, am I hurting you? WEAKLY: No, it's just my own stupid fault, trying to out-drink Bianca-Faye. (BIANCA-FAYE) SING-SONGY: Hello? Anyone there? Oh shit, it's like I can still hear her voice in my head. Oh shit, it's like I can still hear her voice in my head. < Service, please? Oh, no, that's an actual person. Oh, no, that's an actual person. Oh Christ, no. Oh, I thought I heard you. Oh, I thought I heard you. Hi. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? I need to talk to you. Hi. Hi. Hi, Bianca-Faye. I'll get to the point. You don't like me. No, it's` No, it's` And I don't like you. Oh. Oh. But we're both about to lose the men we love. I don't think I'd really say love, exactly. Don't crap in my mouth and call it candyfloss. O...K. O...K. Do you think Alec and Dylan are right for each other? They're so wrong. My problem is I got rid of Alec's last pretty boy by persuading him he still loved Dylan, so I can't play that card again. But if we join forces, we can rip them apart and stop this stupid wedding. You'll help me? Uh, I` I can't. When you change your mind, call me. You're not going to have anything to do with her, are ya? You're not going to have anything to do with her, are ya? 'Course not. No way. DOOR SQUEAKS, ROCK MUSIC PLAYS Hey. Mrs Robinson. How many times do I have to tell you? Call me Natalie. How many times do I have to tell you? Call me Natalie. Natalie. Hey, Dave's not living here. I told you that, right? You know I left Dave's duty-free back at my hotel last night. Would you like it? It's just vodka and chocolates. Don't you want to give it to Dave? Don't you want to give it to Dave? He's the one with the proper job. He can buy his own. True that. True that. And perhaps in return you could make me a coffee? Done. Come in. Hi. Whoa, wicked. Hey. That's mine. Hey. That's mine. And now it's mine. How long have you two been together? Awhile. Awhile. It's just about the sex, pretty much. At least 90%. At least 90%. 99%. So it won't interfere with your OE plans, then? Nah. Nah. If he ever actually goes. We've got the OE fund. SEVERAL COINS CLATTER It's a start. It's a start. But Dave must have a bit saved up. Doubt it. He's always forking out for shit, helping Cara. You know how it is. Yes, I'm beginning to see. (PLAYS MOURNFUL TUNE) Phillip! He's got the right idea. No ties, no obligations. No home. No home. It's overrated. How have you been? Keeping busy. Busy trying to figure out how much time I'd get if I went round and smashed the living daylights out of that two-faced bastard. and smashed the living daylights out of that two-faced bastard. Miserable Michael, right? The trouble is, a crime of passion's no defence in NZ. But, still, I could be out in five. Doesn't really seem worth it. Doesn't really seem worth it. I thought about closing his loan, but that would be unprofessional. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. How goes it with the new job? Uh, accounting's... exactly how I remember it. Oh, sometimes it sucks the will to live. But look on the bright side ` in 20 years you could make partner. But look on the bright side ` in 20 years you could make partner. Kill me now. Or I could buy you a beer instead? Or I could buy you a beer instead? Let me think. Or I could buy you a beer instead? Let me think. Mm. Come on. Bet you homeless harmonica guy never thought that's how he'd end up. Was probably cruising along being... happy, then kapow! Some woman broke his house and... and stole his heart. Broke his heart and stole his house? Broke his heart and stole his house? Exactly. More whisky. My wife's been cheating on me. Still don't know why. It's cos she's a slut. You can do better than her, mate. Eh? Eh? Yeah, she walks in here, always a bit too good for everybody else. Oh, that's just her public face. Those are the worst. Hoity-toity, then they drop their drawers for the first horndog to chuck 'em a bone. Steady on, mate. She's not... a bad person. She was just... led astray by that... arsehole. I can't see Julia being led anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. She has a` a sensitive side. Yeah. She has a` a sensitive side. If you say so. And` And she's vulnerable, has a kind heart... EMOTIONALLY: Christ, I still love her. (CRIES) Everyone keeps crying around me. Everyone keeps crying around me. It's probably the suit. Everyone keeps crying around me. It's probably the suit. (CONTINUES CRYING) Hey. I'm home. PHONE BEEPS PHONE BEEPS (SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT) LINE RINGS DAVE: Hey. DAVE: Hey. Hi, it's me. Whatcha doing? Uh, I might be a bit late home. Are you seeing your mum again? Are you seeing your mum again? I ran into Phil today. Hang on. Stay. He's a bit... smashed. I thought I better take him home. I thought I better take him home. Oh, well, that's very kind of you. Oh, better go. Where are your keys? Where are your keys? Good idea. I'll drive. (LAUGHS) Come on. FUNKY MUSIC ALARM BEEPS OFF Feeling all right? I might be sick. I might be sick. Do you want me to stop? I might be sick. Do you want me to stop? No. Just along here. Are you sure this is the right way? MUSIC CONTINUES Just pull over here. Just pull over here. You are gonna be sick. Just pull over here. You are gonna be sick. Here. Oh shit! Just hold on. Phillip. Where are we? (CONTINUES BANGING ON DOOR) > (CONTINUES BANGING ON DOOR) > Shit. Bloody hell! Get back here, you shit for brains! Get back here, you shit for brains! BOTH GRUNT Get back here, you shit for brains! BOTH GRUNT (YELLS) Get off me! Get off me! Bastard! Get off me! Bastard! I love her! I'll kill you! I'll kill you! Don't do it. He's not worth it. ALL YELL Oh shit! Could've been a lot worse, mate. Could've been a lot worse, mate. (GROANS) POP MUSIC PLAYS POP MUSIC PLAYS I just thought your idea was worth further discussion. I thought you might. Alec and I lose entire weekends snuggled up under the duvet, eating junk food and watching Gossip Girl. Labyrinth. True Blood. True Blood. Sex and the City, but don't tell Dylan I told you. My point is we love our men. What we have is deep and special, and we don't want to lose that. Absolutely. In a platonic sense, I mean. Of course. In a platonic sense, I mean. Of course. Speak for yourself, sister. What? What? Nailing Alec is top of my 'to do' list. But he's... gay. When push comes to shove, men will stick it in anything. I'm going to turn him. That's... deluded. He loves you as a friend, but he will never be attracted to you, just like Dylan will never be attracted to me. You have to let it go. KNOCK AT DOOR > NATALIE: Hello? > Hi. Hi. Oh, sorry. I hope you don't mind. The door was open. Is Dave here? He's out, actually. He's out, actually. Oh, he's not answering his phone. He's, um, having his shoulder cried on. My brother-in-law's going through a messy break-up, and Dave's being supportive. How very responsible of him. Dave is responsible. Dave is responsible. Yeah, I guess he has to be with so many relying on him. Can I give him a message? Can I give him a message? Nah. I'll call him in the morning. You know, when, um, Dave was a boy, his grandfather gave him a globe. It was, uh, old and out of date, but Dave used to spin it round and round and make up stories about the places he'd go when he grew up, the adventures he'd have. And he still can if he wants. Really? Because when I saw him today, he was chained to his desk. It was Dave's decision to go back to accounting. I had nothing` It was Dave's decision to go back to accounting. I had nothing` He hates it. No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. It's not who he is. You must be able to see that. Look, last time I was here, Dave was happy. He was sparking. But now... Just say it, Natalie. Just say it, Natalie. My son is miserable. DOOR OPENS DOOR OPENS Hi. Are you...? Natalie, you might remember my sister Julia? I hope I'm not interrupting. I hope I'm not interrupting. Nope. I was just going. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Knocked-Up Natalie. (GASPS) What did she want? What did she want? Nothing much. I got that from the cold chill and the frost on the windows. I got that from the cold chill and the frost on the windows. CELL PHONE RINGS Oh! Oh! PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Look, Michael, you have to get over me, OK? Just move on. Your husband attacked me. Your husband attacked me. He what? He chased me like a lunatic, hurled me to the ground and then he... vomited on me. Oh my God! Oh my God! What? Oh my God! What? (LAUGHS) Phillip attacked Michael. No! No! Yes! He vomited on him! He vomited on him! (GASPS, LAUGHS) Oh no! LAUGHS: Oh. Oh my... Are you laughing at me? Are you laughing at me? Oh, I'm sorry, Michael. I have to go. Oh my God. Phillip went after Michael. He` I mean, he actually attacked him. Defending my honour. SOFT TECHNO MUSIC PHONE RINGS IN BACKGROUND MUSIC CONTINUES MUSIC FADES Dave? Hey! Oh. Hey! Oh. (CHUCKLES) So, this is the office? (CHUCKLES) This is my desk. And there's the plant. (CHUCKLES) Hmm. Anyway, I thought you might need a clean shirt. Hmm. Anyway, I thought you might need a clean shirt. Oh, I borrowed one off Phil. I heard about what happened between him and Michael. I heard about what happened between him and Michael. It was a crack-up. Not for Phil. He's pretty down. What about you? Are you down? No. Apart from missing you last night. You're not telling me the truth. You're not telling me the truth. I did miss you. Why didn't you tell me you hate your job so much? Why didn't you tell me you hate your job so much? I don't. Who said that? You're just different from the guy I met, you know, with cocktail all over his shirt. You don't want to be with that guy. That guy was an unreliable jerk. You don't want to be with that guy. That guy was an unreliable jerk. Yeah, but he was happy. I'm all right, Cara. I don't want you to be just all right. I don't want you to do this job just for me. Well, it's a bit late now. OK. So I was right. Sorry, I didn't mean that. It's really busy and I'm tired and my mum might have breast cancer. What? What? She's here to have a biopsy. It'll be fine. Look, I need to get on with it if I'm gonna see Mum after work. Look, I need to get on with it if I'm gonna see Mum after work. 'Course. (SIGHS) Bye. Mm. DOWNBEAT MUSIC CHAIR SQUEAKS MUSIC CONTINUES You left a whole lot of your crap behind. You left a whole lot of your crap behind. I know, but I` I've started packing it for you. I've started packing it for you. Did you really attack Michael? I might have. I might have. (LAUGHS) I thought you'd be annoyed. I thought you'd be annoyed. No. He deserved it. Anyway, it's` it's all there. That's not mine. I think it is. I think it is. Your mother gave it to us. (SIGHS) It was your mother. She has better taste than that. She has better taste than that. Oh, no. No, she doesn't. It's yours; you take it. Let go! Let go! I'm not taking it! Let go! I'm not taking it! Yes, you are! I'm not! Stop! Stop! No! Bianca-Faye was going on about Alec and how she was gonna turn him, and I realised, 'Oh my God, that's me!' Not really. But not any more. Dylan is never gonna love me the way I want to be loved, but we can still be friends. I have to move on and find happiness with someone else. If you love someone, let them go? If you love someone, let them go? I know ` such a cliche. If you love someone, let them go? I know ` such a cliche. CELL PHONE RINGS < Hey, babe. < What? I can't understand you. Last night Alec was having a drink with Bianca-Faye when... Last night Alec was having a drink with Bianca-Faye when... I'm here, babe. I'm listening. ...he felt dizzy. She actually put something in his drink. ...he felt dizzy. She actually put something in his drink. She drugged him? And then she tried to jump him! Fortunately, he wasn't so far gone he couldn't fight her off. She is psychotic. I know. Poor Alec. He thought she was his friend and all along... It's like, what? He's gay. He is. And so are you, and I am so bloody happy for you! What? Not because of the roofie thing, obviously, but because you are getting married. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm gonna help you have the best day ever because you deserve it, and I love you as a friend and I will always love you as a friend, because that's what you are. You are my best friend! We can go out if you want. We can go out if you want. I like it here. You didn't like it here when I lived here. Are you gonna ask me how the biopsy went? Are you gonna ask me how the biopsy went? Shit. It was benign. I'm OK. It was benign. I'm OK. Oh, that's great. (GROANS) Careful. Tender bits. Oh. Oh. So, I was, uh, talking to Warren about you boys. Me as well? Me as well? Yes. And he agrees ` it's harder for young people these days. So bugger it. Why can't we spoil our only son and his best friend? A cheque to cover two round-the-world tickets, provided you go via Malaysia, of course. So, what do you think? Yes! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Yes! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oh. You can let go now, Azza. Are you sure? Are you sure? Pretty sure. Darling? What do you think? PHONE BEEPS LINE RINGS LINE RINGS HUSKILY: Hi. LINE RINGS HUSKILY: Hi. Hey. You home for dinner? Yes, my home. Oh. Oh. I came to talk to Phillip, and we had the most terrible fight. And then we had the best break-up sex. Right. Right. Oh, it was brutal, right there in the kitchen. That` That's good. That` That's good. Jules? I'm waiting. Mm, here we go again. I'll keep you posted. I'll keep you posted. PHONE BEEPS What's the occasion? What's the occasion? Dave's mum's given them money to piss off. I'm sorry? I'm sorry? To go overseas, away, whatever. Give yourself at least a month in Malaysia. There's so much to see. > Whatever you wanna show me, Natalie. Whatever you wanna show me, Natalie. Hi. Oh, hi, Cara. Lovely to see you again. You too. You too. Hi. You too. Hi. Um, can we talk? What's this? Is that a sunset? What's this? Is that a sunset? Sunset, yeah. Is Natalie OK? Is Natalie OK? Biopsy was all clear. That's good. That's good. Yeah. Sorry I was a bit shit today. Sorry I was a bit shit today. No, I'm sorry. I didn't realise how unhappy you were. I'm OK, really. I made the choice to get that job, so don't feel bad. Betty said something about your mum giving you some money. Yeah, she, uh, wants to shout me and Az on our big OE. Wow. Wow. I'm not going. I just haven't had the heart to tell Azza yet. You could go. I don't want to. I want you. You will love the nightlife in Kuala Lumpur. You will love the nightlife in Kuala Lumpur. BOTH CHUCKLE Oh, Cara, do you want a glass of wine? Oh, Cara, do you want a glass of wine? No, thanks. I'm off. I'll be a couple of hours, max. I'll be a couple of hours, max. As long as you like. Natalie was telling us all about Malaysia... and orang-utans. I know you are, but what am I? > This is gonna be awesome! This is gonna be awesome! DAVE GROANS, LAUGHS > Me, you, orang-utans. It's gonna be epic! (LAUGHS) > Oh, here she is. How's it going over there? Logan threw up in the Green Lantern roller coaster. Logan threw up in the Green Lantern roller coaster. Only a little bit. Hot dog and chocolate ice cream, so gross. As long as you're having fun. As long as you're having fun. Sea World was pretty cool. As long as you're having fun. Sea World was pretty cool. Because of all the Australian boys. Guess what? I have actual photos of Scarlett at the beach in togs. Drop dead. > Drop dead. > Mum, can I go now? I need to meet Frankie at the beach. Who? Who? Logan's new girlfriend. Who? Logan's new girlfriend. Shut up. BOTH LAUGH BOTH LAUGH You go, honey. I love you! Bye! Bye! Um, we have to go too. Dad's waiting. OK. Hey, as long as you're having a good time. OK. Hey, as long as you're having a good time. The best time! We're going to the Hinterland this afternoon, to a rainforest. See ya! See ya! You go. You go and have adventures. GENTLE MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES Hey. What's the emergency? I bought you a present. I bought you a present. Huh. How come? Your mum said you had one when you were little. Your mum said you had one when you were little. Yeah, my grandpa's. When did Mum talk to you? It's a going-away present. It's a going-away present. I'm not going anywhere. I've been thinking about this, and it's like Jen said ` if you love something, set it free. And, yes, it's a terrible cliche, and I think I even had a poster with it... Shit. I had a pretty good speech lined up. What's going on? This is a great opportunity, and you've always wanted to travel. I don't want you missing out. I'm cool about it. It's fine. I'm cool about it. It's fine. But I'm not. And I won't` I can't be the thing that holds you here. So quit your job and take the ticket. Have adventures, travel, spread your wings and see the world. That's what you need to do. You can't tell me what to do. You... You're not my mother; you're my girlfriend. What if I wasn't? What if I wasn't? Eh? What if I wasn't your girlfriend? What if I wasn't your girlfriend? Don't be an idiot. We live together. It's working. Is it? Because if you're unhappy, I don't know if that's true. Is it? Because if you're unhappy, I don't know if that's true. I love you. And I don't need this. And I don't need this. I want you to go. I'm not going! I'm not going! Dave! (SCOFFS) I've been working my guts out, trying so hard to be the man that you can rely on. I know, and I hate that! Right. Right. You need to go. End of story. Stuff it. Sweet, then. You don't have to do this now. You don't have to do this now. No, let's not mess about. Maybe when you come back in a couple of years` Maybe when you come back in a couple of years` No. There's no maybe. If we're breaking up, we're breaking up. Have some guts and just say it. Have some guts and just say it. This is what needs to happen. Cool. Cool. See ya. See ya. See ya. DOWNBEAT MUSIC Captions by Pippa Jefferies. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2014